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00:00:47,000 --> 00:00:51,910
Centuries ago, during
the dawn of the red moon,
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00:00:52,080 --> 00:00:56,160
our peaceful hamlet
was terrorised by a beast...
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00:00:58,630 --> 00:01:01,670
... born not of man, but spewed forth
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00:01:01,840 --> 00:01:05,960
from the fieriest pits of Hades...
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00:01:06,140 --> 00:01:11,430
... with an evil fuelled by
a hatred of men and a love of women.
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00:01:11,600 --> 00:01:16,600
Its name: Carmilla, the vampire queen.
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00:01:16,780 --> 00:01:19,850
No one could defeat her, save one man:
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00:01:20,030 --> 00:01:25,520
A baron away for decades
fighting in the Crusades.
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00:01:25,700 --> 00:01:29,150
Upon his return, the baron found
that Carmilla's desires
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00:01:29,330 --> 00:01:32,410
had ensnared his beautiful wife, Eva,
12
00:01:32,580 --> 00:01:35,250
and turned her into a lover
of the vagine.
13
00:01:35,420 --> 00:01:37,290
No!
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00:01:39,630 --> 00:01:43,000
Consumed with vengeance,
the baron pledged to destroy Carmilla
15
00:01:43,340 --> 00:01:44,920
and flee the village.
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00:01:46,220 --> 00:01:48,590
He unearthed the sacred
Books of Nekros,
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00:01:48,770 --> 00:01:51,300
where he discovered
the only way of slaying
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00:01:51,480 --> 00:01:55,850
this unholy harpy, once and for all,
was to forge a sacred sword,
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00:01:56,020 --> 00:02:00,310
a weapon blessed with
an ancient Babylonian hex...
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00:02:00,490 --> 00:02:03,610
...and infused with his own blood.
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00:02:03,780 --> 00:02:07,940
Without fear,
he confronted Carmilla.
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00:02:15,340 --> 00:02:19,030
But before the baron
could strike the fatal blow,
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00:02:19,220 --> 00:02:22,580
Carmilla laid down a curse most vile.
24
00:02:22,760 --> 00:02:25,840
As you strike me down,
so you shall release evil
25
00:02:26,010 --> 00:02:29,260
within me into your daughters
and your daughters' daughters,
26
00:02:29,430 --> 00:02:33,380
and they shall not rest
until your bloodline's ended.
27
00:02:33,560 --> 00:02:37,220
They will know your breed
by these marks above your heart.
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00:02:37,400 --> 00:02:40,480
And when the life's blood
of the last of your line
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00:02:40,650 --> 00:02:42,770
mixes with that of a virgin girl,
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00:02:42,950 --> 00:02:49,030
I shall rise again, more powerful
than you will ever imagine.
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00:02:49,200 --> 00:02:51,910
And with that, he lopped
her fucking head off.
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00:02:56,170 --> 00:02:58,650
Henceforth,
every woman in our village,
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00:02:58,840 --> 00:03:02,210
upon her 18th birthday,
is turned by the curse
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00:03:02,380 --> 00:03:05,340
and reborn a lesbian vampire.
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00:03:05,510 --> 00:03:08,840
Our only salvation is a prophecy
that foretells of the day
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00:03:09,020 --> 00:03:11,630
when the last descendent
of the baron's bloodline
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00:03:11,810 --> 00:03:15,350
shall return to this hamlet and vanquish
Carmilla's curse forever.
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00:03:17,480 --> 00:03:20,050
That time... has begun.
39
00:03:20,240 --> 00:03:25,390
- I'm not happy, Jimmy.
- Why? What did I do wrong?
40
00:03:25,580 --> 00:03:28,570
Things are different now
to how they used to be.
41
00:03:28,750 --> 00:03:32,200
I just don't love you anymore.
No, I love you.
42
00:03:32,370 --> 00:03:35,870
I'm just not in love with you.
43
00:03:36,040 --> 00:03:40,160
- You know I'll always love you.
- You say that every time you dump me.
44
00:03:40,340 --> 00:03:43,330
I don't dump you, Jimmy.
I just take time out
45
00:03:43,510 --> 00:03:46,290
to re-evaluate the parameters
of our relationship.
46
00:03:46,470 --> 00:03:51,220
That's what makes us so strong together.
47
00:03:51,390 --> 00:03:54,640
If we're that strong together,
why are you dumping me... again?
48
00:03:54,810 --> 00:03:58,810
I'm not dumping you. I just think
we're stronger together apart.
49
00:03:58,980 --> 00:04:01,270
That doesn't make
grammatical sense, so...
50
00:04:01,450 --> 00:04:05,730
Feel it with your heart,
and know what I'm saying is true.
51
00:04:05,910 --> 00:04:10,320
- So... you are dumping me?
- No.
52
00:04:10,500 --> 00:04:13,240
But, also in a sense, yes.
53
00:04:14,630 --> 00:04:16,620
- Yes!
- Shit.
54
00:04:21,380 --> 00:04:23,120
I'm not happy, Fletch.
55
00:04:23,300 --> 00:04:25,420
I'm trying my best, Miss Rossi.
56
00:04:25,600 --> 00:04:27,340
Your bestjust isn't good enough.
57
00:04:27,680 --> 00:04:30,380
- What more do you want me to do?
- I don't know.
58
00:04:30,560 --> 00:04:32,800
- This has to be the end of the line.
- What?
59
00:04:32,980 --> 00:04:36,100
- What did I do wrong?
- You punched him in the face.
60
00:04:36,270 --> 00:04:40,020
You know what I get like when people
mess with my shit. He had it coming.
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00:04:40,190 --> 00:04:42,760
He was seven.
You're a children's clown.
62
00:04:42,950 --> 00:04:45,770
Old enough to know
not to go messing with my shit.
63
00:04:45,950 --> 00:04:47,400
Fletch, you punched a child.
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00:04:47,620 --> 00:04:50,070
He was spraying me
with my own seltzer bottle.
65
00:04:50,250 --> 00:04:53,070
- What was I supposed to do?
- Not hit him.
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00:04:53,250 --> 00:04:56,830
Then he shouldn't be spraying
my ball sac. It was only a tap.
67
00:04:57,000 --> 00:05:00,540
- You gave him a bloody nose!
- I look like I pissed myself!
68
00:05:00,710 --> 00:05:04,710
Christ, Fletch. I don't know
why you do these things.
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00:05:06,430 --> 00:05:08,090
I guess I just don't like kids.
70
00:05:08,260 --> 00:05:11,470
I keep telling you,
they're a pre-requisite of the job.
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00:05:11,640 --> 00:05:14,260
I know. A slight problem.
72
00:05:15,230 --> 00:05:17,710
Maybe I could just be
a clown for adults.
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00:05:18,570 --> 00:05:22,690
- You're fired.
- Do I get to keep the costume?
74
00:05:22,860 --> 00:05:26,720
No. Drop your costume at the desk
on the way out. Goodbye, Fletch.
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00:05:36,590 --> 00:05:38,980
- Do I get this week's money?
- Goodbye, Fletch.
76
00:06:10,330 --> 00:06:12,610
I've come up with a plan
for getting her back.
77
00:06:12,790 --> 00:06:14,320
What, like revenge?
78
00:06:14,500 --> 00:06:18,120
No, getting her back, not
"getting her back" getting her back.
79
00:06:18,290 --> 00:06:22,370
Getting her back.
Number one: Take her on holiday.
80
00:06:22,550 --> 00:06:24,920
Stop there.
That's just fucking stupid.
81
00:06:25,090 --> 00:06:27,960
- The two of us, on our own...
- On your own?
82
00:06:28,140 --> 00:06:31,420
Like when you went to Falaraki
and she dumped you and banged that
83
00:06:31,600 --> 00:06:33,930
water ski instructor
with highlights and necklace?
84
00:06:34,100 --> 00:06:37,100
She didn't dump me.
She told me she was just... confused.
85
00:06:37,270 --> 00:06:39,940
Not that confused she couldn't
figure out where to put his cock.
86
00:06:40,110 --> 00:06:44,690
- That's my bird you're talking about.
- No. No, it isn't. Not anymore.
87
00:06:46,570 --> 00:06:50,030
Look, you need to get away
from all this shit.
88
00:06:50,200 --> 00:06:52,680
Let us have a wacky adventure,
you and me.
89
00:06:52,870 --> 00:06:56,200
I'm not gonna bum you, but I think
you could use a distraction.
90
00:06:56,380 --> 00:06:59,990
Say what you like, but you cannot
deny I am incredibly distracting.
91
00:07:00,170 --> 00:07:02,410
- Some might say annoying.
- And that...
92
00:07:03,630 --> 00:07:06,300
I don't know.
Where do you suggest we go?
93
00:07:07,640 --> 00:07:09,800
lbiza.
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00:07:10,890 --> 00:07:15,930
The sun, the sea, the sand,
clubs and fanny.
95
00:07:16,100 --> 00:07:21,680
Lots and lots of fanny.
Loads and loads of fanny.
96
00:07:21,860 --> 00:07:25,230
A gargantuan amount of "vajay".
97
00:07:25,410 --> 00:07:28,520
All wanting to shag you, Jimmy McLaren,
98
00:07:28,700 --> 00:07:33,490
and if there's a few stragglers
who fancy a go on me, then so be it.
99
00:07:35,330 --> 00:07:36,870
I can't. I'm skint.
100
00:07:37,040 --> 00:07:39,710
What? I thought
you had loads saved up.
101
00:07:39,880 --> 00:07:42,000
Yeah... I lent it to Judy to buy a car.
102
00:07:42,170 --> 00:07:46,670
Oh, my God! Why don't you just get
"total twat" tattooed on your forehead?
103
00:07:46,840 --> 00:07:49,670
Can't you see what that witch
has done to our lives?
104
00:07:49,850 --> 00:07:54,130
Relied on that money for my holiday.
Our holiday, I mean.
105
00:07:54,310 --> 00:07:57,680
- How much have you got?
- Um...
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00:07:57,860 --> 00:07:59,760
Uh, well...
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00:07:59,940 --> 00:08:02,560
Tricky, because
I've sort of been sacked.
108
00:08:02,740 --> 00:08:04,600
- You hit another girl?
- It was a boy.
109
00:08:04,780 --> 00:08:06,310
I don't want to talk about it.
110
00:08:06,490 --> 00:08:11,150
So what we're essentially saying is that
neither of us can afford to go anywhere.
111
00:08:11,330 --> 00:08:12,600
- Pretty much.
- Brilliant.
112
00:08:33,480 --> 00:08:36,430
Uh, hello. Wasn't expecting you.
113
00:08:36,600 --> 00:08:39,390
- I've finally done it!
- Done what?
114
00:08:39,570 --> 00:08:43,560
Get the "champers" on ice.
I'm all yours, honey.
115
00:08:43,740 --> 00:08:48,060
- Oh, bloody hell.
- I've left him for good this time,
116
00:08:48,240 --> 00:08:51,440
so you and me can have fun.
117
00:08:51,620 --> 00:08:54,100
You've done what?
118
00:08:54,290 --> 00:08:57,370
Let's celebrate. Naughty boy!
119
00:09:01,210 --> 00:09:03,120
Who the hell are you?
120
00:09:04,470 --> 00:09:07,670
- Who the hell are you?
- I'm his girlfriend.
121
00:09:07,840 --> 00:09:13,470
Really? I'm his wife.
122
00:09:13,640 --> 00:09:16,180
Right.
123
00:09:21,280 --> 00:09:23,180
- Dave, get back here!
- In my defence,
124
00:09:23,360 --> 00:09:25,980
I never meant for you to find out.
125
00:09:34,460 --> 00:09:38,370
- I got a plan.
- Does it involve girls?
126
00:09:38,540 --> 00:09:42,040
- It's cheap.
- Yeah. Does it involve girls?
127
00:09:42,210 --> 00:09:45,790
Let's... go... hiking.
128
00:09:49,390 --> 00:09:52,840
That... is one of the most
depressingly shitty
129
00:09:53,020 --> 00:09:56,300
ideas for a holiday
I've ever heard in my life, ever.
130
00:09:56,480 --> 00:10:00,340
- It's a great idea.
- You're a penis!
131
00:10:02,070 --> 00:10:05,310
Wherever it lands on the map,
we go there.
132
00:10:05,490 --> 00:10:07,520
Leave it to the hands of fate.
133
00:10:07,700 --> 00:10:08,940
- What do you say?
- No.
134
00:10:09,120 --> 00:10:11,400
- It'll be brilliant.
- It will be shit.
135
00:10:11,580 --> 00:10:13,360
Let the dart show us the way.
136
00:10:15,210 --> 00:10:16,820
All right, then. Fuck it.
137
00:10:17,000 --> 00:10:20,330
I'm only agreeing because
I'm feeling for you right now,
138
00:10:20,500 --> 00:10:24,360
and because
I'm unbelievably shit-faced.
139
00:10:24,550 --> 00:10:27,580
Throw it like you mean it, McLaren.
140
00:10:46,950 --> 00:10:50,150
I never heard of it.
How do you say it? Crag...
141
00:10:50,330 --> 00:10:52,990
Cragwi... Cragwich?
142
00:10:53,160 --> 00:10:57,950
It's spelled A-D-V-N-T-U-R-E, my friend.
143
00:10:59,960 --> 00:11:02,290
Christ, you're a tit!
144
00:11:14,060 --> 00:11:17,720
Get that?
145
00:11:17,900 --> 00:11:20,430
Country air. Nothing like it.
146
00:11:20,610 --> 00:11:23,090
Smells like normal air
with cow shit in it.
147
00:11:23,280 --> 00:11:26,230
Exactly. Nothing like the
pervading stench of faeces
148
00:11:26,400 --> 00:11:28,480
to take your mind off your troubles.
149
00:11:30,990 --> 00:11:33,320
Have you brought anything besides beer?
150
00:11:39,170 --> 00:11:41,840
You're expecting a
water bomb fight or something?
151
00:11:52,510 --> 00:11:54,420
- Hello?
- Jimmy, it's me.
152
00:11:54,600 --> 00:11:57,000
- Judy?
- Yes! Look, Jimmy.
153
00:11:57,190 --> 00:12:00,720
I've been thinking, and I realise
I've made a terrible mistake.
154
00:12:00,900 --> 00:12:04,470
I want to come back, Jimmy.
I... love you.
155
00:12:04,650 --> 00:12:06,390
- What?
- I love you!
156
00:12:06,570 --> 00:12:10,260
Hello?
157
00:12:10,450 --> 00:12:12,360
I can't hear... Hello?
158
00:12:12,540 --> 00:12:15,400
Judy?
159
00:12:15,580 --> 00:12:17,530
I'll drive to meet you.
160
00:12:17,710 --> 00:12:21,240
We can talk, the two of us.
We can work everything out.
161
00:12:21,420 --> 00:12:24,790
When I get there,
you can wear my panties.
162
00:12:34,850 --> 00:12:39,550
- Why'd you do that?
- We are here to hike.
163
00:12:39,730 --> 00:12:43,670
But... I can't fucking believe
you just done that!
164
00:12:43,860 --> 00:12:46,680
OK, maybe I did overreact
a bit, and I'm sorry.
165
00:12:46,860 --> 00:12:49,770
I'll, um, buy you another one. Jim...
166
00:12:49,950 --> 00:12:52,190
Jim!
167
00:13:01,210 --> 00:13:03,120
Hold up a minute.
168
00:13:12,470 --> 00:13:15,380
Can't we take a little rest?
I'm getting a stitch.
169
00:13:15,560 --> 00:13:18,720
We've only been walking
for three minutes.
170
00:13:18,900 --> 00:13:21,930
Yeah, but you're not walking.
You're virtually running.
171
00:13:22,110 --> 00:13:23,850
It's like you're in a mood with me.
172
00:13:24,030 --> 00:13:28,190
- I can't imagine why. Can you?
- You're getting a real attitude.
173
00:13:28,360 --> 00:13:30,440
- Oh, fuck off.
- No, you fuck off.
174
00:13:30,620 --> 00:13:33,100
I've dragged my arse
to some leafy shit-hole
175
00:13:33,290 --> 00:13:36,950
I can't even pronounce, for you,
and look how ungrateful you're being.
176
00:13:37,120 --> 00:13:40,950
Ungrateful? You stamped on my phone
whilst Judy was trying to make up.
177
00:13:41,130 --> 00:13:42,990
What? Like the last seven times?
178
00:13:43,170 --> 00:13:46,410
You're a mental case holding out
for that serial dumper
179
00:13:46,590 --> 00:13:50,280
to have you back for the... drum roll,
please... eighth fucking time.
180
00:13:50,470 --> 00:13:52,870
That's why we're here
rather than somewhere
181
00:13:53,060 --> 00:13:55,960
it might be remotely possible
to engage a solitary woman
182
00:13:56,140 --> 00:13:58,840
in so much as a polite conversation.
183
00:14:00,810 --> 00:14:03,010
- There might be girls.
- Will there? Balls.
184
00:14:55,540 --> 00:14:59,700
What are the chances?
185
00:15:03,750 --> 00:15:05,700
Come on, Jim.
They came from there.
186
00:15:05,880 --> 00:15:09,460
- Yeah. So?
- "So"?
187
00:15:09,630 --> 00:15:12,630
Are you some kind of eunuch
or something?
188
00:15:12,800 --> 00:15:16,580
Not bad enough that woman's robbed you
of brains, but testicles and all.
189
00:15:16,770 --> 00:15:19,170
I'm sorry.
I'm claiming your testicles back.
190
00:15:19,350 --> 00:15:23,100
No... Not that I literally
want your test...
191
00:15:23,270 --> 00:15:26,680
That's just sick. Look.
They're just the beginning.
192
00:15:26,860 --> 00:15:29,560
These small, rural places
are renowned for breeding
193
00:15:29,740 --> 00:15:33,150
the cr�me de la cr�me of the
female form. It's the fresh air.
194
00:15:33,330 --> 00:15:36,940
They go a bundle for city boys like
you and me. Impressive we are, mate.
195
00:15:37,120 --> 00:15:40,360
I guarantee this place will be
wall to wall with rosy-cheeked
196
00:15:40,540 --> 00:15:44,400
English country maidens,
like that lot, but even dirtier.
197
00:15:52,390 --> 00:15:55,500
It's like some sort of medieval gay bar.
198
00:15:55,680 --> 00:15:57,760
Don't sweat it.
199
00:15:59,230 --> 00:16:01,630
The womenfolk are all off
braiding their hair
200
00:16:01,810 --> 00:16:04,760
in some kind of naked fertility
ceremony or something.
201
00:16:04,940 --> 00:16:08,060
That village green will be full
of heaving tits by sundown.
202
00:16:08,240 --> 00:16:11,230
- These guys look weird.
- Just relax.
203
00:16:11,410 --> 00:16:14,110
They're just blokes, like you and I.
204
00:16:14,280 --> 00:16:17,190
They like a beer,
enjoy a scented candle.
205
00:16:17,370 --> 00:16:21,410
They're my kind of people.
I can relate. Stick with me.
206
00:16:28,340 --> 00:16:30,080
Good morrow.
207
00:16:30,260 --> 00:16:34,170
Two flagons of ale, please, sir.
208
00:16:38,350 --> 00:16:40,750
There you go.
209
00:16:40,940 --> 00:16:43,850
Compliments of the house, lads.
210
00:16:54,160 --> 00:16:56,150
Thank you.
211
00:17:10,720 --> 00:17:15,630
Keep it together, mate.
Keep it together.
212
00:17:15,810 --> 00:17:18,800
I'm just a bit worried
I'm going to get raped.
213
00:17:24,150 --> 00:17:27,020
So how many more, Tom?
How many more?
214
00:17:27,190 --> 00:17:30,020
Don't you be all high and mighty
with me, vicar.
215
00:17:30,200 --> 00:17:32,400
We have to stop this madness.
216
00:17:32,570 --> 00:17:36,110
- Reckon that's his daughter?
- If it's not, that's one dirty vicar.
217
00:17:36,290 --> 00:17:38,240
We can't let more
innocent people die!
218
00:17:38,410 --> 00:17:41,910
- Then what? Then they'll come for us!
- Oh. Hi.
219
00:17:42,080 --> 00:17:46,120
Don't you see they have us already?
Our women are cursed,
220
00:17:46,300 --> 00:17:48,910
and we are spineless fools
who let it happen.
221
00:17:49,090 --> 00:17:52,670
I know it's hard, vicar, what with
your Rebecca turning 18...
222
00:17:52,840 --> 00:17:53,920
Eighteen? Love it.
223
00:17:54,100 --> 00:17:59,720
Together we can stop this.
You are either with me or against me.
224
00:17:59,890 --> 00:18:01,340
What a tosser.
225
00:18:02,310 --> 00:18:03,930
Who is with me?
226
00:18:09,440 --> 00:18:10,890
No, it can't be.
227
00:18:12,200 --> 00:18:13,610
No, that's impossible.
228
00:18:15,080 --> 00:18:18,820
- It can't be you. What is your name?
- Hey, this cost 25 quid, mate!
229
00:18:19,000 --> 00:18:22,610
- That is enough, Father. Enough!
- Daddy!
230
00:18:22,790 --> 00:18:24,950
Come, child.
231
00:18:30,930 --> 00:18:35,210
Does he know you? Have you been
hanging out with vicars?
232
00:18:35,390 --> 00:18:39,160
- Never seen him before in my life.
- Sorry about that, lads.
233
00:18:39,350 --> 00:18:42,930
Here you go.
No hard feelings, eh?
234
00:18:43,100 --> 00:18:47,140
Sorry for the vicar.
He's a strange sort.
235
00:18:47,320 --> 00:18:51,390
If you lads want a bed for the night,
236
00:18:51,570 --> 00:18:54,050
there be a cottage,
the old Mircalla place,
237
00:18:54,240 --> 00:18:56,150
not two miles down the road.
238
00:18:57,410 --> 00:18:59,610
Oh, that's great, but how much is it?
239
00:18:59,790 --> 00:19:01,990
- We're a bit light on the old...
- Money.
240
00:19:02,170 --> 00:19:05,700
Oh, it don't cost nothing.
The doors are always open.
241
00:19:05,880 --> 00:19:11,620
Any weary traveller
can expect a nice, long rest.
242
00:19:11,800 --> 00:19:16,340
You, sir, are a scholar and a gent.
243
00:19:16,510 --> 00:19:20,010
If there's one thing I like more
than free booze, it's a free bed.
244
00:19:20,180 --> 00:19:21,430
Thank you very much.
245
00:19:21,600 --> 00:19:24,170
Might be a bit
of a tight squeeze, though.
246
00:19:24,360 --> 00:19:28,720
I sent some beautiful young girls
down there not too long ago.
247
00:20:00,770 --> 00:20:02,260
What's wrong with it?
248
00:20:02,440 --> 00:20:06,260
Come on, come on. Don't break
down on us now. Come on!
249
00:20:06,440 --> 00:20:09,430
Come on! What?
250
00:20:21,080 --> 00:20:23,820
- Come on!
- That'll really help, Lotte.
251
00:20:24,000 --> 00:20:26,620
- We're screwed.
- Ja.
252
00:20:26,790 --> 00:20:31,040
Great. We're in the middle of nowhere,
miles from anywhere.
253
00:20:31,220 --> 00:20:33,330
Are you sure you put petrol in?
254
00:20:33,510 --> 00:20:36,790
- Anke, for the fifth time, yes.
- Just checking.
255
00:20:36,970 --> 00:20:39,800
Well, let us walk to the cottage.
We must be close.
256
00:20:39,980 --> 00:20:42,720
The landlord said
it was only a few miles.
257
00:20:42,890 --> 00:20:45,640
- Ja.
- We're closer to the inn.
258
00:20:45,810 --> 00:20:47,510
We should go get help.
259
00:20:49,030 --> 00:20:51,640
Ja. Ja.
260
00:20:52,950 --> 00:20:56,890
I'm only going back there with knives.
Those men were freaky.
261
00:20:57,830 --> 00:21:00,440
- I think we should stay with the van.
- Ja.
262
00:21:00,620 --> 00:21:04,070
Oh...
263
00:21:10,090 --> 00:21:12,000
Do you hear that?
264
00:21:12,170 --> 00:21:14,740
What is it?
265
00:21:15,720 --> 00:21:18,170
There's something out there.
266
00:21:18,350 --> 00:21:20,710
- Stop scaring us, Lotte.
- Ja.
267
00:21:20,890 --> 00:21:23,760
Listen, listen!
268
00:21:26,650 --> 00:21:28,640
It's coming from the roof!
269
00:21:30,570 --> 00:21:33,100
- It is probably just a branch.
- A branch?
270
00:21:33,280 --> 00:21:34,300
Ja.
271
00:21:51,510 --> 00:21:54,460
I told you!
272
00:22:00,720 --> 00:22:03,510
- Evening, ladies.
- Sorry. Didn't mean to scare you.
273
00:22:03,690 --> 00:22:05,590
Excuse us.
Our van just broke down,
274
00:22:05,770 --> 00:22:09,550
- and we were a little bit spooked.
- Seems OK now.
275
00:22:09,730 --> 00:22:13,020
Anyhow, hi, I'm Lotte.
276
00:22:13,200 --> 00:22:15,900
This is Anke, Heidi and Trudi.
277
00:22:16,070 --> 00:22:20,900
Hello, Lotte, Andy, Eric. Hello, girls.
278
00:22:22,250 --> 00:22:25,070
- Beer?
- Oh, ja!
279
00:22:25,250 --> 00:22:26,440
Ja, ja, ja!
280
00:22:27,380 --> 00:22:29,200
You're my type of girl.
281
00:22:32,880 --> 00:22:34,120
The name's Fletch.
282
00:22:36,800 --> 00:22:39,250
- What's your name?
- That's my man, Jimmy.
283
00:22:39,430 --> 00:22:42,050
He's had his heart broken. It's tragic.
284
00:22:42,230 --> 00:22:45,090
- Oh!
- It's just tragic. Really is.
285
00:22:45,270 --> 00:22:48,390
- Hello, Jimmy.
- All right.
286
00:22:48,570 --> 00:22:53,600
So, what are four lovely ladies like
you doing here on a night like this?
287
00:22:53,780 --> 00:22:56,180
We're on our way
to the Mircalla cottage.
288
00:22:59,700 --> 00:23:01,990
There's an uncanny stroke of luck!
289
00:23:02,160 --> 00:23:06,740
These girls are all going to the exact
same cottage that we are.
290
00:23:09,460 --> 00:23:12,580
- Yes! Yes!
- Yes! Yes!
291
00:23:12,760 --> 00:23:14,830
Great.
292
00:23:15,010 --> 00:23:18,340
- Do you want to ride with us?
- Thanks. That's very nice of you.
293
00:23:18,510 --> 00:23:20,340
- Oh, yeah!
- Take a seat.
294
00:23:20,520 --> 00:23:22,420
When in Rome.
295
00:23:22,600 --> 00:23:27,260
- Be careful. You know what happens.
- Relax. It's fine.
296
00:23:31,860 --> 00:23:34,560
OK, let's go.
297
00:23:45,710 --> 00:23:49,120
A couple of young fellows
were in here not an hour ago.
298
00:23:49,300 --> 00:23:52,990
Directed them towards the cottage
not a couple of miles down the road.
299
00:23:53,170 --> 00:23:55,620
What? Just carry on down the road?
300
00:23:55,800 --> 00:24:00,670
There you go, miss. Carry straight
on down, and you can't fail to see it.
301
00:24:02,060 --> 00:24:03,970
Now, she was a pretty one.
302
00:24:04,140 --> 00:24:07,600
They always are, Sidney.
303
00:24:07,770 --> 00:24:13,980
Sirens. Cold, bewitching demons,
every last one of them.
304
00:24:16,910 --> 00:24:18,610
Pint, Jack?
305
00:24:46,150 --> 00:24:50,390
- Wow. This place is amazing!
- Oh, I love it!
306
00:24:50,570 --> 00:24:53,350
- Oh, cool!
- They got beers!
307
00:24:53,530 --> 00:24:55,980
Can we actually move here?
308
00:24:56,160 --> 00:24:57,650
- Yes!
- Yes, let's move in!
309
00:25:10,420 --> 00:25:13,090
Let's party!
310
00:25:13,260 --> 00:25:16,420
- We need Schnapps!
- Rack 'em up! Rack 'em up!
311
00:25:16,590 --> 00:25:19,290
All right! Yes!
312
00:25:19,470 --> 00:25:22,590
J man, bottoms up!
313
00:25:22,770 --> 00:25:25,330
- Bottoms up!
- Cocks in.
314
00:25:26,350 --> 00:25:29,720
- Oh, yummy!
- Let's dance!
315
00:25:29,900 --> 00:25:31,640
Oh!
316
00:25:53,670 --> 00:25:57,330
This might be the best night
of my entire fucking life!
317
00:25:59,680 --> 00:26:03,340
Room for the Fletchmeister? Yes? Yes?
318
00:26:13,740 --> 00:26:15,350
I love hiking!
319
00:26:27,040 --> 00:26:29,520
Take your clothes off!
320
00:26:29,710 --> 00:26:33,160
Take your clothes off!
321
00:26:39,510 --> 00:26:42,180
Do you know of Carmilla?
322
00:26:42,350 --> 00:26:47,390
- Uh, no. Is that who it is?
- Yes.
323
00:26:47,560 --> 00:26:51,010
- Carmilla. She's why we're all here.
- Eh?
324
00:26:51,190 --> 00:26:55,770
We're students of folklore and ancient
superstition. We're on a field trip.
325
00:26:55,950 --> 00:26:59,520
This village is home to the legend
of Carmilla, the vampire queen.
326
00:26:59,700 --> 00:27:02,100
- Vampire queen?
- According to legend,
327
00:27:02,290 --> 00:27:05,400
she's much, much more than
just your average vampire queen.
328
00:27:05,580 --> 00:27:07,530
Some say she's 2,000 years old.
329
00:27:07,710 --> 00:27:10,240
You believe in that
Dungeons & Dragons rubbish?
330
00:27:10,420 --> 00:27:13,290
Where I grew up,
we're very superstitious.
331
00:27:13,460 --> 00:27:16,420
Cragwich is particularly
fascinating to me.
332
00:27:16,590 --> 00:27:19,260
The book of folklore tells
the story of this village,
333
00:27:19,430 --> 00:27:21,800
and what Carmilla did to it
and its daughters.
334
00:27:21,970 --> 00:27:25,090
Even the bravest man shrinks in fear,
and the bravest woman
335
00:27:25,270 --> 00:27:28,300
quivers with desire
at the mere mention of her name.
336
00:27:29,190 --> 00:27:30,890
Carmilla, the vampire queen.
337
00:27:39,240 --> 00:27:41,400
Hey! Jimmy Peon!
338
00:27:41,580 --> 00:27:44,940
Come on. Get a beer. Get involved.
339
00:27:46,000 --> 00:27:48,110
It is your turn to go
with the larger one.
340
00:27:50,090 --> 00:27:53,450
- Too many beers. I need a piss.
- The bog's outside.
341
00:27:53,630 --> 00:27:56,110
What? It's... It's dark out there.
342
00:27:56,300 --> 00:27:59,880
Heidi, are you afraid
Carmilla will get you?
343
00:28:00,050 --> 00:28:04,210
- Anke, don't be mean.
- OK, OK, I'm sorry.
344
00:28:04,390 --> 00:28:08,550
- Don't worry. I will go with her.
- Stop it!
345
00:28:09,650 --> 00:28:14,140
Watch this. Here come the beers.
346
00:28:14,320 --> 00:28:17,690
- Here come the beers. Ja?
- Ooh, ja!
347
00:28:17,860 --> 00:28:20,260
He's a weird guy, Fletch, eh?
348
00:28:22,790 --> 00:28:24,740
She's pretending to bum me.
349
00:28:24,910 --> 00:28:27,580
Oh, his heart's in the right place.
350
00:28:27,750 --> 00:28:31,080
It's just a shame
his brain's in his dick.
351
00:28:37,840 --> 00:28:41,920
- Think his ying yang is big?
- Ying yang?
352
00:29:12,710 --> 00:29:15,110
All right. Which one do you want, then?
353
00:29:16,340 --> 00:29:19,670
Haven't thought about it.
354
00:29:19,840 --> 00:29:22,210
Oh! You are such a fucking ponce, James.
355
00:29:22,390 --> 00:29:25,800
Which one do you fancy?
Which one do you like the most?
356
00:29:25,980 --> 00:29:29,220
- Just answer the question.
- All right, then. Lotte.
357
00:29:29,400 --> 00:29:32,970
- She seems really nice and friendly.
- Mm-hmm.
358
00:29:33,150 --> 00:29:37,310
And it's like
she's got this pure spirit.
359
00:29:37,490 --> 00:29:42,400
She's just really sweet.
She's got the prettiest eyes.
360
00:29:42,580 --> 00:29:45,610
It's like looking into bottomless pools.
361
00:29:47,120 --> 00:29:48,990
- And you?
- Trudi.
362
00:29:49,170 --> 00:29:51,700
Massive tits, never speaks.
363
00:29:56,300 --> 00:29:59,170
Yeah, Trudi, you stink.
364
00:30:00,220 --> 00:30:02,250
Ja. Ja.
365
00:30:02,430 --> 00:30:05,510
Oh, ja.
366
00:30:10,150 --> 00:30:11,970
Hurry up!
367
00:30:19,110 --> 00:30:20,860
Anke.
368
00:30:27,410 --> 00:30:30,990
Anke?
369
00:30:31,170 --> 00:30:35,080
- Anke, stop it. It isn't funny.
- Heidi.
370
00:30:38,880 --> 00:30:40,750
Fuck!
371
00:30:41,600 --> 00:30:44,300
Anke, answer me now. It's not funny.
372
00:30:49,350 --> 00:30:51,510
Anke!
373
00:31:00,700 --> 00:31:02,770
Anke?
374
00:31:09,250 --> 00:31:13,080
Anke? Anke!
375
00:31:16,090 --> 00:31:18,040
Why are they taking so long?
376
00:31:18,220 --> 00:31:20,610
She's probably just having
a massive shit.
377
00:31:34,520 --> 00:31:36,770
Trudi.
378
00:31:38,450 --> 00:31:41,310
Trudi.
379
00:31:45,540 --> 00:31:49,030
Trudi.
380
00:31:52,250 --> 00:31:57,200
Trudi.
381
00:32:41,890 --> 00:32:44,090
Quickly!
382
00:32:48,020 --> 00:32:51,010
Trudi! We've got to get in there!
383
00:32:51,190 --> 00:32:53,430
OK. Stand back.
384
00:32:56,780 --> 00:32:59,640
Christ. That thing is rock-solid.
385
00:33:02,490 --> 00:33:04,770
- I must have weakened it.
- Yeah, right.
386
00:33:12,330 --> 00:33:15,370
- Look.
- Blood.
387
00:33:16,800 --> 00:33:18,450
Come.
388
00:33:22,640 --> 00:33:24,500
What was that?
389
00:33:24,680 --> 00:33:27,630
I don't know, but let's go find out.
390
00:33:28,680 --> 00:33:31,680
- Is she serious?
- We have to do something, don't we?
391
00:33:31,850 --> 00:33:35,600
This is all getting a bit weird: Women
missing, towels covered in blood.
392
00:33:35,770 --> 00:33:38,890
- It's more of a light spotting.
- Oh, that's all right, then.
393
00:33:39,070 --> 00:33:41,600
We heard her in here,
and now she's nowhere.
394
00:33:41,780 --> 00:33:45,400
- That is very fucking weird.
- Agreed, but we have to find Trudi.
395
00:33:45,580 --> 00:33:47,940
- You like Trudi, don't you?
- Not that much.
396
00:33:49,460 --> 00:33:51,530
That's just weak, man.
397
00:33:52,750 --> 00:33:54,410
For Christ's sake.
398
00:34:10,440 --> 00:34:13,720
Oh, God!
399
00:34:13,900 --> 00:34:15,890
For God's sake!
400
00:34:21,530 --> 00:34:24,900
I only got it seen to last week.
401
00:34:25,080 --> 00:34:27,320
Oh, my... Oh, come on!
402
00:34:27,490 --> 00:34:30,320
Shit!
403
00:34:40,130 --> 00:34:43,330
Hi. You're through to Jimmy.
Please leave a message.
404
00:34:43,510 --> 00:34:47,550
You are so dead, Jimmy!
405
00:34:47,720 --> 00:34:49,470
Judy.
406
00:34:49,640 --> 00:34:55,010
Judy. Judy.
407
00:34:55,190 --> 00:34:57,590
Anke!
408
00:34:57,780 --> 00:35:02,440
Heidi? Trudi?
409
00:35:04,950 --> 00:35:07,110
- Anything?
- No.
410
00:35:10,370 --> 00:35:12,940
Ah, well. Looks like she's gone.
411
00:35:14,670 --> 00:35:17,990
Head back inside, eh? Cup of tea?
412
00:35:18,960 --> 00:35:21,580
- Told you there was no one out here.
- Trudi?
413
00:35:21,930 --> 00:35:24,630
Probably just gone for a walk
or... something.
414
00:35:24,800 --> 00:35:27,200
Let's head inside.
I've still got some beers.
415
00:35:27,390 --> 00:35:30,220
Oh, shit!
416
00:35:31,440 --> 00:35:33,390
Lotte.
417
00:35:33,560 --> 00:35:35,890
- It's over there.
- I heard it too.
418
00:35:37,530 --> 00:35:40,430
Look. I know something really wrong
is happening here,
419
00:35:40,780 --> 00:35:43,180
but is there any chance
we can just ignore it?
420
00:35:43,360 --> 00:35:45,560
Fletch! Come on!
421
00:36:40,090 --> 00:36:43,540
It's impossible. It cannot be. Vampires.
422
00:36:43,720 --> 00:36:46,390
- Vampires?
- Vampires?
423
00:36:47,600 --> 00:36:49,960
Lesbian vampires.
424
00:36:50,140 --> 00:36:52,760
Nice one.
425
00:37:02,490 --> 00:37:05,560
Fucking hell, she's strong.
426
00:37:08,200 --> 00:37:09,690
Jimmy!
427
00:37:09,870 --> 00:37:13,200
- Shit.
- Jimmy!
428
00:37:23,680 --> 00:37:27,750
She's not so strong now.
429
00:37:49,830 --> 00:37:52,030
Ah! Rank!
430
00:38:00,880 --> 00:38:05,000
Is that it?
431
00:38:05,180 --> 00:38:07,850
No explosion or...
432
00:38:08,010 --> 00:38:11,710
...turning into burning ash or...
Nothing, no?
433
00:38:14,150 --> 00:38:15,970
Frankly, I'm a bit disappointed.
434
00:38:16,150 --> 00:38:19,270
I'm just glad she's dead.
I can hold out for fireworks.
435
00:38:19,440 --> 00:38:22,640
The legends... they're true.
436
00:38:22,820 --> 00:38:24,090
This is madness.
437
00:38:24,280 --> 00:38:27,230
- What's become of my friends?
- Lotte.
438
00:38:27,410 --> 00:38:28,510
Oh, crap.
439
00:38:29,660 --> 00:38:33,520
- Join us.
- Join us.
440
00:38:33,710 --> 00:38:36,070
Ja.
441
00:38:36,250 --> 00:38:40,110
I think they want you to say something.
442
00:38:40,300 --> 00:38:42,410
Never.
443
00:38:43,630 --> 00:38:45,210
Don't think they wanted you to say that.
444
00:38:45,390 --> 00:38:47,540
Fuck this! Run, you bellends!
445
00:38:57,310 --> 00:38:59,850
Come on, you silly fuckers!
446
00:39:02,240 --> 00:39:05,400
Now you will join us.
447
00:39:07,910 --> 00:39:09,530
Hmm.
448
00:39:09,700 --> 00:39:12,650
Get in.
449
00:39:16,830 --> 00:39:18,910
Oh, my God! Did you see that?
450
00:39:19,090 --> 00:39:22,710
That might be the coolest thing
I've done in my entire fucking life.
451
00:39:22,880 --> 00:39:25,630
I've always been good at cricket.
Maybe it's my guns.
452
00:39:25,800 --> 00:39:28,370
- Fletch, please shut up.
- Sorry, I'm just nervous.
453
00:39:28,560 --> 00:39:30,880
They'd have eaten us alive.
This is fucked up!
454
00:39:31,060 --> 00:39:33,590
Where did they go?
455
00:39:33,770 --> 00:39:38,760
Before sunrise,
you will all belong to us.
456
00:39:41,240 --> 00:39:43,800
Shit, shit, shit, shit.
What are we going to do?
457
00:39:43,990 --> 00:39:47,520
- We're going to die horribly.
- For Christ sake. You're not helping.
458
00:39:47,700 --> 00:39:50,860
- Calm down. Have a beer.
- We need to get out of here!
459
00:39:51,040 --> 00:39:54,450
- Come up with a plan then, Einstein.
- Hold on. The van.
460
00:39:54,620 --> 00:39:56,660
The van. Good plan. Great plan.
461
00:39:56,830 --> 00:39:58,660
Genius.
462
00:39:58,840 --> 00:40:01,000
I don't even want to know.
463
00:40:01,170 --> 00:40:03,650
What are we going to do now?
464
00:40:06,340 --> 00:40:08,670
Stakes. Lots of sharp stakes.
465
00:40:09,720 --> 00:40:13,630
Arm ourselves with anything we can
plunge through their hearts.
466
00:40:13,810 --> 00:40:15,510
Again, great idea. Like it.
467
00:40:15,690 --> 00:40:19,890
Plunging sharp objects. Hell-whore
hearts. Let's fucking have it.
468
00:40:31,290 --> 00:40:34,360
- Jimmy!
- Judy?
469
00:40:34,540 --> 00:40:38,870
What? Don't open
the fucking door! Jesus!
470
00:40:40,170 --> 00:40:43,290
- Judy, get in, quick.
- Oh, my God!
471
00:40:43,470 --> 00:40:46,140
- What the hell is going on?
- What are you doing here?
472
00:40:46,300 --> 00:40:49,630
- Something was chasing me.
- Vampires.
473
00:40:49,810 --> 00:40:53,880
- What?
- Yep. Lesbian vampires.
474
00:40:54,060 --> 00:40:56,460
- How ridiculous.
- No.
475
00:40:56,650 --> 00:40:59,760
Just another of God's cruel tricks
to get on my tits.
476
00:40:59,940 --> 00:41:03,630
Even dead women would sooner sleep
with each other than get with me.
477
00:41:03,820 --> 00:41:07,310
- But eating me alive? Oh, that's fine.
- Lesbian vampires?
478
00:41:07,490 --> 00:41:11,230
Next time he'll have me bummed
by a big gay werewolf, I swear.
479
00:41:11,410 --> 00:41:12,940
Come on. We need to lie down.
480
00:41:18,920 --> 00:41:22,410
- Who's that?
- Oh, it's Jimmy's ex.
481
00:41:22,590 --> 00:41:25,330
She keeps breaking up with him,
getting him back,
482
00:41:25,510 --> 00:41:28,210
breaking up with him,
getting him back, you know?
483
00:41:31,680 --> 00:41:34,130
- I hate her.
- Me too.
484
00:41:34,310 --> 00:41:37,340
Man, this pisses me off.
485
00:41:37,520 --> 00:41:40,390
I've been saving myself
for the right man,
486
00:41:40,570 --> 00:41:42,960
someone I can really have feelings for.
487
00:41:43,150 --> 00:41:46,770
- I finally meet him, and...
- What, you like Jimmy?
488
00:41:46,950 --> 00:41:49,430
Yes, I do.
But between her and the vampires,
489
00:41:49,620 --> 00:41:52,180
I'll probably die a virgin tonight.
490
00:41:57,250 --> 00:42:00,660
You're a virgin?
491
00:42:00,840 --> 00:42:04,870
Um, yeah.
492
00:42:24,110 --> 00:42:26,730
Oh, for God's sake, girl.
Cover yourself up.
493
00:42:28,030 --> 00:42:30,150
Daddy, I'm not a child any more.
494
00:42:30,330 --> 00:42:33,320
- Don't try me, girl.
- Oh!
495
00:42:50,470 --> 00:42:56,720
Jimmy, I know you have
every right to hate me,
496
00:42:56,900 --> 00:42:59,180
but I just want you to know
497
00:42:59,360 --> 00:43:03,600
that I'm so happy
you let me through the door.
498
00:43:03,780 --> 00:43:06,340
Well, I don't hate you.
Well, not completely.
499
00:43:06,530 --> 00:43:09,650
I just don't know what
I keep doing you don't like.
500
00:43:09,830 --> 00:43:13,320
It's not you, Jimmy. It's me.
501
00:43:14,250 --> 00:43:17,360
I'm glad you realise that,
because if this is gonna work,
502
00:43:17,540 --> 00:43:21,160
- you're gonna have to change.
- Oh, I've changed.
503
00:43:21,340 --> 00:43:23,540
But how... How do I know that?
504
00:43:23,710 --> 00:43:27,370
How can I trust you? You're gonna
have to show me you're different.
505
00:43:27,550 --> 00:43:30,250
Oh, I'm different.
506
00:43:34,100 --> 00:43:39,680
Give me one... last... kiss.
507
00:43:46,240 --> 00:43:47,560
Huh?
508
00:44:47,630 --> 00:44:51,710
Probably best you remember her
the way she was, mate.
509
00:44:51,890 --> 00:44:55,800
A complete fucking bitch. Aah.
510
00:45:00,940 --> 00:45:03,270
Mate, thanks for saving my life.
511
00:45:03,440 --> 00:45:06,390
Hey, you know me, fella.
512
00:45:06,570 --> 00:45:10,900
I got your back.
Always have, always will.
513
00:45:12,330 --> 00:45:14,230
- Right, got 'em.
- What are you doing?
514
00:45:14,410 --> 00:45:17,650
- What do you think?
- What, Lotte was gonna...
515
00:45:17,830 --> 00:45:20,500
You know what they say
about extreme situations.
516
00:45:20,670 --> 00:45:24,870
And this, as I keep pointing out, my
friend, is an extreme fucking situation.
517
00:45:25,050 --> 00:45:28,210
- Bit seedy, isn't it?
- She's worried she'll die a virgin,
518
00:45:28,380 --> 00:45:31,500
and frankly, I'm willing to take
any opportunity I can get.
519
00:45:31,680 --> 00:45:34,670
Emotional vulnerability, fear of
imminent death, vampire attacks.
520
00:45:34,850 --> 00:45:37,970
Screw it. I don't give a shit. Hi.
521
00:45:39,060 --> 00:45:41,930
How are you doing?
522
00:45:42,110 --> 00:45:45,640
- What happened?
- Oh, God. Um...
523
00:45:45,820 --> 00:45:49,980
As I suspected,
524
00:45:50,160 --> 00:45:54,320
- Judy was a vampire.
- We killed her.
525
00:45:54,490 --> 00:45:56,400
Fantastic.
526
00:46:08,970 --> 00:46:11,670
- Um, I'm going for a piss.
- What, outside?
527
00:46:11,850 --> 00:46:14,210
Do I look like a twat?
528
00:46:29,320 --> 00:46:33,070
Oh, God! Oh, God!
Oh, God! Oh, gosh!
529
00:46:33,240 --> 00:46:34,900
Oh, God! Oh, God!
530
00:46:35,080 --> 00:46:37,450
Why aren't they coming in?
Judy walked in.
531
00:46:37,620 --> 00:46:40,740
No, they have to be invited in.
You invited Judy in.
532
00:46:40,920 --> 00:46:43,030
Oh.
533
00:46:45,340 --> 00:46:49,750
So all we have to do
is sit tight till morning.
534
00:46:49,930 --> 00:46:52,130
I mean, It's not like I'm gonna say,
535
00:46:52,300 --> 00:46:56,130
"Hey, lesbian vampires,
come into my cottage", is it? Oh, shit!
536
00:47:02,230 --> 00:47:05,600
Under full-on lesbian vampire attack?
537
00:47:05,780 --> 00:47:08,600
Still got it, fella.
538
00:47:09,780 --> 00:47:12,980
Look, I was being ironic.
539
00:47:13,160 --> 00:47:15,480
Guys?
540
00:47:24,630 --> 00:47:26,700
McLaren.
541
00:47:26,880 --> 00:47:29,670
- She knows my name.
- That's not a good sign.
542
00:47:29,840 --> 00:47:34,630
She is pure.
543
00:47:38,940 --> 00:47:40,970
Fletch!
544
00:47:47,860 --> 00:47:50,530
When in Rome...
545
00:47:58,460 --> 00:48:01,240
- Get away from him.
- Fuck off!
546
00:48:26,480 --> 00:48:30,140
- Nice.
- Get her into the shower.
547
00:48:30,320 --> 00:48:33,060
Quick! Quick!
548
00:48:33,240 --> 00:48:34,900
Quick! Turn it on!
549
00:48:38,580 --> 00:48:42,360
Our Father, who art in heaven,
hallowed be Thy name.
550
00:48:42,540 --> 00:48:45,210
Thy kingdom come,
Thy will be done on earth...
551
00:48:45,380 --> 00:48:49,460
Give us this day... Push her back!
She must stay underwater.
552
00:48:49,630 --> 00:48:52,330
Push her back!
Push her back under.
553
00:48:52,510 --> 00:48:56,960
- Oh, God!
- Keep her under! Don't let her go!
554
00:48:57,140 --> 00:49:01,260
And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil,
555
00:49:01,440 --> 00:49:04,140
as we forgive those
who trespass against us...
556
00:49:04,320 --> 00:49:06,990
- Fuck off!
- Keep going.
557
00:49:07,150 --> 00:49:11,310
Fucking hell!
558
00:49:11,490 --> 00:49:13,940
For Thine is the kingdom.
Jesus compels you!
559
00:49:14,120 --> 00:49:17,240
Oh, God, I love Jesus!
I love you, Jesus.
560
00:49:17,410 --> 00:49:22,030
- And the glory forever.
- All things bright and beautiful!
561
00:49:22,210 --> 00:49:24,490
Forever and ever.
562
00:49:28,590 --> 00:49:30,290
Amen.
563
00:49:31,260 --> 00:49:33,880
What the fuck?
564
00:49:34,050 --> 00:49:37,170
We need to go quickly.
Your friends have already been taken.
565
00:49:37,350 --> 00:49:39,830
- Ah, shite.
- There's no time to waste. Let's go!
566
00:49:40,020 --> 00:49:42,890
Hang on. How did you know
all this was happening?
567
00:49:43,060 --> 00:49:45,550
You and your friends
were sent as sacrifices.
568
00:49:45,730 --> 00:49:49,810
It's an age-old deal,
where the villagers supply fresh blood.
569
00:49:49,990 --> 00:49:52,730
In return, they get to keep
their cowardly hides.
570
00:49:52,910 --> 00:49:56,850
So we were just a light buffet
for a bunch of hot dykes?
571
00:49:57,040 --> 00:50:01,360
To my shame, yes. Your friend's
arrival in our hamlet is no coincidence.
572
00:50:01,540 --> 00:50:04,910
It's divine intervention
fulfilling a primordial prophecy.
573
00:50:05,090 --> 00:50:08,200
- Balls!
- Does he bear a birthmark?
574
00:50:08,380 --> 00:50:10,860
- Five red scratches around here?
- Yeah.
575
00:50:11,050 --> 00:50:14,040
His bloodline is the key
to the resurrection
576
00:50:14,220 --> 00:50:18,840
of the purest evil known to mankind:
Carmilla, the vampire queen.
577
00:50:19,020 --> 00:50:20,800
Eh?
578
00:50:20,980 --> 00:50:23,540
Paradoxically, the only thing
that can lift this village
579
00:50:23,730 --> 00:50:26,350
from a centuries-old curse
that turns every woman
580
00:50:26,530 --> 00:50:29,560
on her 18th birthday into a vampire.
581
00:50:29,740 --> 00:50:33,860
My daughter, Rebecca,
becomes 18 within hours.
582
00:50:34,030 --> 00:50:37,150
Right. Look,
I know you mean well. I really do.
583
00:50:37,330 --> 00:50:39,950
And I love the vibe.
You look amazing. But...
584
00:50:40,120 --> 00:50:45,240
I've seen weird shit, and even under
these circumstances this is a stretch.
585
00:50:45,420 --> 00:50:48,500
Jimmy's not the Messiah.
He can barely wipe his own arse.
586
00:50:48,670 --> 00:50:51,960
I understand your confusion.
Let's be on our way.
587
00:50:52,140 --> 00:50:54,800
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, Daddy-o. Go where?
588
00:50:54,970 --> 00:50:58,340
- Back to the village. No time to waste.
- Fuck that noise.
589
00:50:58,520 --> 00:51:00,840
- I'm sorry?
- I'm not going back out there.
590
00:51:01,020 --> 00:51:04,760
I've nearly been eaten three times
by the hottest women I've ever met.
591
00:51:04,940 --> 00:51:06,680
Starting to become a bind.
592
00:51:06,860 --> 00:51:10,940
But it's not too late to save your
friends, this village, the entire world!
593
00:51:11,110 --> 00:51:13,590
Yeah, well, you know,
best of luck with it.
594
00:51:13,780 --> 00:51:17,820
- I hope you get on all right.
- Are you fucking with me?
595
00:51:18,000 --> 00:51:21,320
- Are you allowed to swear?
- Shut up.
596
00:51:21,500 --> 00:51:25,360
You telling me you'd let eternal
darkness sweep over this entire planet
597
00:51:25,540 --> 00:51:28,450
and leave your friends to die?
Your friends?
598
00:51:28,630 --> 00:51:32,040
Well, I only really know Jimmy.
I just met the girl tonight. So...
599
00:51:32,220 --> 00:51:36,250
OK. Stay here and die.
600
00:51:40,980 --> 00:51:42,760
Oh...
601
00:51:46,570 --> 00:51:48,470
What's with all the scratches?
602
00:51:48,650 --> 00:51:50,810
The cruciform.
It drives the beasts away.
603
00:51:52,740 --> 00:51:55,860
- It looks shit.
- Just get in.
604
00:51:56,910 --> 00:52:00,770
OK, scratch master.
Where the fuck are we going?
605
00:52:00,960 --> 00:52:03,240
The tomb of your friend's
great ancestor.
606
00:52:35,160 --> 00:52:37,940
Fletch!
607
00:52:44,920 --> 00:52:48,690
Sisters,
608
00:52:48,880 --> 00:52:54,080
a moment that has infested
our dreams and our desires
609
00:52:54,260 --> 00:52:57,590
for what seems like an eternity...
610
00:52:57,760 --> 00:53:01,260
...is finally upon us.
611
00:53:10,530 --> 00:53:13,150
For this night,
612
00:53:13,320 --> 00:53:18,070
the last of the McLaren clan shall fall,
613
00:53:18,240 --> 00:53:22,860
and our queen shall rise again.
614
00:53:23,040 --> 00:53:26,530
- Carmilla?
- The vampire queen?
615
00:53:28,670 --> 00:53:30,960
Sorry. Carry on.
616
00:53:33,130 --> 00:53:36,380
So his blood mixed with
my virgin blood brings her back?
617
00:53:36,550 --> 00:53:39,090
You know a lot, pretty one.
618
00:53:39,270 --> 00:53:42,630
I've heard of Carmilla,
but never have I heard of you.
619
00:53:42,810 --> 00:53:46,050
Obviously you're not evil enough
to even make the history books.
620
00:53:52,820 --> 00:53:54,850
Well...
621
00:53:55,030 --> 00:53:59,690
... soon she will know of you.
622
00:54:01,290 --> 00:54:06,910
And with her resurrection,
this land will be ensnared forever
623
00:54:07,090 --> 00:54:10,750
in the dawn of the red moon.
624
00:54:17,350 --> 00:54:21,120
McLaren, these are your
final moments on earth.
625
00:54:21,310 --> 00:54:23,630
Oh. Mmm.
626
00:54:32,070 --> 00:54:36,360
The final resting place
of Baron Wolfgang McLaren III.
627
00:54:38,370 --> 00:54:40,320
Jimmy's the reason
I ended up in this shit-hole?
628
00:54:40,500 --> 00:54:42,650
He is our salvation and our only hope.
629
00:54:42,830 --> 00:54:46,520
The prophesy foretold of when the last
of the McLaren clan would return.
630
00:54:46,710 --> 00:54:49,950
With his blood and that of a virgin,
Carmilla shall rise again.
631
00:54:50,130 --> 00:54:52,330
Concealed within this tomb is the weapon
632
00:54:52,510 --> 00:54:55,290
that can slay the beast forever:
The sword of Daeldo.
633
00:54:55,470 --> 00:54:59,000
- And what's that, then?
- Daeldo, the god of lust,
634
00:54:59,180 --> 00:55:02,590
said to be Carmilla's arch demonic foe
in the underworld of Hades.
635
00:55:02,770 --> 00:55:04,550
A hideous multi-tentacled beast.
636
00:55:04,730 --> 00:55:07,550
The only being brave enough
to have tried to penetrate
637
00:55:07,730 --> 00:55:10,720
Carmilla's vilest depths,
and paid for it with his life.
638
00:55:10,900 --> 00:55:13,380
Let me get this straight.
Your plan is,
639
00:55:13,570 --> 00:55:17,610
wait for this bitch to be resurrected,
stake her with the sword of whatever,
640
00:55:17,780 --> 00:55:21,110
thus rescuing my mate, curing
your daughter, ending the curse
641
00:55:21,290 --> 00:55:24,240
- and saving the planet.
- Exactly. So, are you with me?
642
00:55:24,420 --> 00:55:27,280
Not really. I ain't got much
fucking choice, have I?
643
00:55:29,420 --> 00:55:32,160
You do this.
I need to check on my Rebecca.
644
00:55:32,340 --> 00:55:34,460
What? Now I've got to unearth a corpse?
645
00:55:34,630 --> 00:55:38,380
- Concealed within this tomb is...
- Yeah, yeah. Save me the monologues.
646
00:55:42,560 --> 00:55:45,840
This is officially
the worst holiday ever.
647
00:56:08,670 --> 00:56:12,710
- So there's a red moon, right?
- Forget about the red moon.
648
00:56:12,880 --> 00:56:15,080
She said the last McLaren will fall.
649
00:56:15,260 --> 00:56:18,290
Yeah, I kind of missed that bit.
650
00:56:18,470 --> 00:56:21,300
Oh. Well...
651
00:56:21,470 --> 00:56:25,090
- That'll be me, then. Oh, bollocks.
- Shut up. I'm thinking.
652
00:56:25,270 --> 00:56:28,140
What can you be thinking about
at a time like this?
653
00:56:28,320 --> 00:56:30,710
- How we are going to escape.
- Fantastic. Any ideas?
654
00:56:30,900 --> 00:56:33,350
- No, have you?
- Not a fucking sausage.
655
00:56:33,530 --> 00:56:35,020
Come on, think!
656
00:56:35,200 --> 00:56:38,860
I'm too busy shitting myself
to come up with a daring escape plan.
657
00:56:52,420 --> 00:56:55,750
- You're cute.
- What?
658
00:56:55,930 --> 00:56:57,920
It's our first argument.
659
00:57:04,020 --> 00:57:07,260
Vic, we're doomed.
That ain't opening.
660
00:57:07,440 --> 00:57:09,470
Move.
661
00:57:14,570 --> 00:57:17,560
In my defence,
I only tried that side, so...
662
00:57:30,710 --> 00:57:33,040
- You go down there, my boy.
- Excuse me?
663
00:57:33,220 --> 00:57:37,540
- There's no time to waste. Hurry up.
- Well, you go down, then.
664
00:57:40,260 --> 00:57:45,050
Oh, my... Unbelievable.
It's not my daughter.
665
00:57:46,940 --> 00:57:52,060
- Can you see the sword?
- Give me a minute, please.
666
00:57:52,230 --> 00:57:56,520
It's my first time
in a tomb... grave... stone.
667
00:58:05,620 --> 00:58:07,280
What? What is it?
668
00:58:07,460 --> 00:58:10,370
It's nothing.
669
00:58:14,420 --> 00:58:19,540
What's so funny in there?
670
00:58:23,560 --> 00:58:26,090
It's got a big metal cock for a handle.
671
00:58:26,270 --> 00:58:30,040
Grow up! The handle draws on
the power of the demon Daeldo,
672
00:58:30,230 --> 00:58:34,170
rendering this blade alone capable
of destroying her once and for all.
673
00:58:35,700 --> 00:58:39,860
- What? How?
- Itjust does, OK?
674
00:58:40,950 --> 00:58:44,810
We're gonna go there,
and we're gonna to die, right?
675
00:58:45,000 --> 00:58:47,360
All because you insist some sword,
676
00:58:47,540 --> 00:58:50,330
with a metal cock on the end,
can save the world?
677
00:58:50,500 --> 00:58:53,250
- You're a disgrace.
- At least I can see the funny side.
678
00:58:53,420 --> 00:58:57,920
Let's get on with the job. I'll load up
on weapons. You cover the baron up.
679
00:59:02,180 --> 00:59:05,220
Will you just admit
it does look like a cock?
680
00:59:06,310 --> 00:59:10,930
Jimmy, can I tell you something?
681
00:59:11,110 --> 00:59:14,180
- Have you come up with a plan?
- No, I'm still thinking.
682
00:59:14,360 --> 00:59:16,730
I think we're running out of time.
683
00:59:18,240 --> 00:59:21,730
I just wanted to say that had we met
under different circumstances,
684
00:59:21,910 --> 00:59:24,150
I would've liked to have gotten
to know you.
685
00:59:24,330 --> 00:59:26,070
- Really?
- Yes.
686
00:59:26,250 --> 00:59:29,910
In fact, even though we've just spent
a few hours together,
687
00:59:30,090 --> 00:59:32,370
I feel like I've known you forever.
688
00:59:35,970 --> 00:59:38,640
- Really?
- Yes.
689
00:59:38,800 --> 00:59:41,800
I thought you might have
picked up on my signals.
690
00:59:43,140 --> 00:59:45,470
Signals? What signals?
What did I miss?
691
00:59:47,270 --> 00:59:49,010
Jimmy, I love you.
692
00:59:54,820 --> 00:59:58,100
- Well, that's just fucking great.
- I didn't mean to upset you.
693
00:59:58,280 --> 01:00:02,440
- On the brink of death, you say that?
- I can't die without letting you know
694
01:00:02,620 --> 01:00:05,650
you're the first man I could
share myself with completely.
695
01:00:05,830 --> 01:00:08,950
- Oh, for Christ's sake.
- I would've given you everything:
696
01:00:09,130 --> 01:00:12,040
My mind, soul and body.
697
01:00:12,210 --> 01:00:16,040
- And body. Hmm.
- And now that'll never be.
698
01:00:23,390 --> 01:00:26,260
- It is time.
- Oh, God!
699
01:00:30,190 --> 01:00:33,310
- That's my penis.
- Get off him, you bitch! He's mine!
700
01:00:43,700 --> 01:00:45,740
Wow.
701
01:00:51,670 --> 01:00:55,750
What? What did you just say?
702
01:00:55,920 --> 01:00:59,040
You called me a what?
I'm a fat piece of what?
703
01:01:06,390 --> 01:01:10,600
No one messes with the Fletchmeister
and his cock sword.
704
01:01:12,150 --> 01:01:17,890
Oh, hello.
Um, I wasn't doing, um...
705
01:01:18,070 --> 01:01:21,900
Star Wars is not, uh...
Aah! Chewie. I wasn't...
706
01:01:22,080 --> 01:01:25,240
What are you doing out?
You probably shouldn't be out here.
707
01:01:25,410 --> 01:01:28,200
I know.
708
01:01:28,370 --> 01:01:32,620
- So, it's your birthday?
- Today.
709
01:01:32,800 --> 01:01:35,120
It's just gone midnight.
710
01:01:36,510 --> 01:01:40,250
All... grown... up.
711
01:01:42,850 --> 01:01:45,720
- So you're 18?
- Uh-huh.
712
01:01:46,560 --> 01:01:48,590
- But Daddy wouldn't approve anyway.
- Oh.
713
01:01:57,780 --> 01:01:59,810
Daddy!
714
01:02:18,340 --> 01:02:20,500
Fletch!
715
01:02:26,980 --> 01:02:29,050
- Ready?
- Yep.
716
01:02:30,940 --> 01:02:34,800
We have little time.
My Rebecca will soon be taken.
717
01:02:34,980 --> 01:02:36,730
Yep.
718
01:02:58,380 --> 01:03:01,000
You have his eyes.
719
01:03:01,180 --> 01:03:04,000
I used to love those eyes.
720
01:03:04,180 --> 01:03:07,220
Until I learned how pathetic men are.
721
01:03:15,480 --> 01:03:18,940
Mmm! Exquisite.
722
01:03:19,740 --> 01:03:24,400
I will bleed you slowly and
let Carmilla feed upon your flesh
723
01:03:24,580 --> 01:03:27,190
while it is still warm in your veins.
724
01:03:44,470 --> 01:03:49,340
Look, the moon bleeds.
The resurrection has begun.
725
01:03:49,520 --> 01:03:52,220
Here. Holy water.
726
01:03:52,400 --> 01:03:54,760
It's like a fucking
hand grenade of acid.
727
01:03:54,940 --> 01:03:56,640
- You said "fucking" again.
- So?
728
01:03:56,820 --> 01:03:58,310
- It's weird.
- Get over it.
729
01:03:58,490 --> 01:04:01,480
There's no need to panic, my friend.
Just stay close to me.
730
01:04:01,660 --> 01:04:04,530
I'm well-versed in the knowledge
of killing vampires.
731
01:04:04,700 --> 01:04:10,160
Yeah, so is everyone. Stakes, garlic,
beheading, holy water, sunlight...
732
01:04:10,330 --> 01:04:12,730
There's not a fucker alive
who doesn't know that.
733
01:04:12,920 --> 01:04:14,700
- Really?
- Yeah.
734
01:04:14,880 --> 01:04:18,210
It's in books, films, telly.
It's pretty common knowledge.
735
01:04:24,510 --> 01:04:27,470
Were you expecting many
sexual encounters, my friend?
736
01:04:29,810 --> 01:04:31,550
Water bomb fight.
737
01:04:31,730 --> 01:04:35,420
So where's this resurrection
likely to be happening?
738
01:04:35,610 --> 01:04:39,140
In there. The crypt of Carmilla.
739
01:04:39,320 --> 01:04:41,890
I knew you were gonna say that.
740
01:04:42,070 --> 01:04:44,610
Never going to be somewhere
un-scary-sounding,
741
01:04:44,790 --> 01:04:46,690
like the garden or scullery?
742
01:04:46,870 --> 01:04:48,610
- "Scullery" is quite scary.
- Eh?
743
01:04:48,790 --> 01:04:50,950
"Scullery" has got
the word "skull" in it.
744
01:04:51,130 --> 01:04:54,530
As opposed to the crypt, which has
got corpses in it. Well observed.
745
01:04:56,710 --> 01:04:59,870
Remember this: They can die fast
or they can die slow,
746
01:05:00,050 --> 01:05:01,460
but they have to die.
747
01:05:01,640 --> 01:05:05,630
- Can't we do this in the morning?
- It may be too late for your friends.
748
01:05:05,810 --> 01:05:09,010
- It will be too late for Rebecca.
- No, I'm good.
749
01:05:09,190 --> 01:05:10,890
Well, this is it.
750
01:05:11,060 --> 01:05:15,310
Good luck, Fletch.
Let's try to come back alive.
751
01:05:15,480 --> 01:05:17,310
Vic...
752
01:05:19,200 --> 01:05:21,760
If I don't make it out of this,
753
01:05:21,950 --> 01:05:24,820
there's one thing I want you to know:
754
01:05:24,990 --> 01:05:27,320
I blame you entirely.
755
01:06:25,350 --> 01:06:29,040
So this is how your bloodline ends:
756
01:06:29,230 --> 01:06:31,340
Crying like a baby.
757
01:06:31,520 --> 01:06:34,760
Begging for your life.
758
01:06:34,940 --> 01:06:37,890
- Please...
- Jimmy, pull yourself together.
759
01:06:38,070 --> 01:06:40,890
- Don't give her the satisfaction.
- No.
760
01:06:41,070 --> 01:06:44,760
You'll give me my satisfaction.
761
01:06:44,950 --> 01:06:47,900
Lotte, just so you know,
before she turns you,
762
01:06:48,080 --> 01:06:50,610
I found you really attractive,
pre-vampirism.
763
01:06:50,790 --> 01:06:53,490
You did?
764
01:07:00,510 --> 01:07:02,500
- We have an escape plan.
- What?
765
01:07:02,680 --> 01:07:04,000
Fletch will save us.
766
01:07:04,180 --> 01:07:06,960
Fletch? He's fucking useless.
We're dead meat.
767
01:07:07,140 --> 01:07:10,510
- Hey! You cheeky prick.
- Fletch!
768
01:07:10,690 --> 01:07:12,760
Although, to be fair,
769
01:07:12,940 --> 01:07:16,010
if I could've avoided being here,
I would've.
770
01:07:22,740 --> 01:07:25,860
Oh, damn.
771
01:07:26,030 --> 01:07:29,240
I told you he was fucking useless.
772
01:07:30,410 --> 01:07:33,530
- Damn, damn!
- You ever fired that thing before?
773
01:07:33,710 --> 01:07:36,450
- First time.
- Watch and weep. So!
774
01:07:38,090 --> 01:07:41,250
You clam-lappers fancy
a piece of me then, do you?
775
01:07:42,890 --> 01:07:45,590
- Come on, then.
- Kill them.
776
01:07:45,760 --> 01:07:49,670
Oh, fuck!
777
01:08:07,580 --> 01:08:10,140
Oh, wait up. Fuck this.
778
01:08:10,330 --> 01:08:13,410
Your friend's blood
has already been drawn.
779
01:08:13,580 --> 01:08:16,450
- The resurrection has begun.
- We gotta get out of here.
780
01:08:16,630 --> 01:08:19,190
We can't. Darkness is upon us.
Your friends, Rebecca...
781
01:08:19,380 --> 01:08:21,540
I reckon I can
probably live with that.
782
01:08:21,720 --> 01:08:23,540
...and the entire fucking world!
783
01:08:23,720 --> 01:08:27,170
You know how to put a guilt trip on,
don't you, you fucker?
784
01:08:28,310 --> 01:08:32,890
Right. Let's do this.
785
01:08:37,780 --> 01:08:42,480
- It'll be OK.
- How can this be OK?
786
01:08:42,660 --> 01:08:44,860
All I wanted to do was enjoy life.
787
01:08:45,030 --> 01:08:47,480
Hike, get some fresh air, a few pints.
788
01:08:47,660 --> 01:08:50,110
But no. Nothing's as simple
as that, is it?
789
01:08:50,290 --> 01:08:52,820
And now we're gonna end up dead.
790
01:08:53,000 --> 01:08:56,620
Well, I'm gonna end up dead.
You'll be a lesbian.
791
01:08:56,800 --> 01:08:59,280
And I've not even made love to a man.
792
01:08:59,460 --> 01:09:01,080
Oh!
793
01:09:09,640 --> 01:09:11,090
The crypt is through here.
794
01:09:13,230 --> 01:09:15,390
- Fletch!
- Spiritus Sancti.
795
01:09:17,400 --> 01:09:19,390
Fletch!
796
01:09:20,650 --> 01:09:24,100
- Spiritus sancti.
- Hurry up!
797
01:09:24,280 --> 01:09:27,270
- Jimmy?
- Back, you spawn of Satan.
798
01:09:29,450 --> 01:09:30,860
- Fletch?
- How you been?
799
01:09:31,040 --> 01:09:33,240
Up and down.
800
01:09:36,880 --> 01:09:39,950
- There's only one solution now.
- The big cock sword.
801
01:09:40,130 --> 01:09:41,500
- What?
- Long story.
802
01:09:43,220 --> 01:09:46,460
- Hand me the sword of Daeldo.
- Haven't you got it?
803
01:09:46,640 --> 01:09:47,880
I thought you had it.
804
01:09:48,060 --> 01:09:50,210
You're going on about
how important it is.
805
01:09:50,390 --> 01:09:53,260
All we've got to do is wait
for this bitch to rise, stab her,
806
01:09:53,440 --> 01:09:56,050
- and you forgot the sword?
- Get it. I'll keep 'em off.
807
01:09:56,230 --> 01:09:58,520
- Tell Rebecca I love her.
- About Rebecca...
808
01:09:58,690 --> 01:10:00,270
- Run, you fool!
- All right!
809
01:10:30,770 --> 01:10:33,010
Jesus!
810
01:11:48,760 --> 01:11:53,340
- Whores of fucking Hades.
- Annihilate him.
811
01:11:57,230 --> 01:12:01,640
Prepare for fucking death!
812
01:12:11,540 --> 01:12:14,740
Come on, you silly fuckers!
813
01:12:15,880 --> 01:12:19,540
- Lotte!
- It's playtime, darling.
814
01:12:28,100 --> 01:12:30,490
Mmm! You are a feisty one.
815
01:12:32,930 --> 01:12:35,390
I like it. Aah!
816
01:12:44,610 --> 01:12:47,400
- It won't budge.
- I have to help her.
817
01:12:47,570 --> 01:12:49,650
It's not gonna work.
818
01:12:51,790 --> 01:12:56,530
- What is it with you and doors?
- Let's ram it.
819
01:13:01,130 --> 01:13:03,870
Mmm! You taste divine.
820
01:13:08,140 --> 01:13:09,920
- Keys.
- Vicar's got them.
821
01:13:10,100 --> 01:13:12,010
- What?
- Know how to hotwire a hearse?
822
01:13:12,180 --> 01:13:14,180
- Yeah, no worries.
- Brilliant. Let's go.
823
01:13:14,350 --> 01:13:16,390
- Of course I don't, you idiot.
- Shit.
824
01:13:25,030 --> 01:13:29,270
First I'm going to torture you,
then I'm going to turn you.
825
01:13:29,450 --> 01:13:32,360
- You'll be my plaything.
- Never!
826
01:13:32,540 --> 01:13:33,990
That's it, then.
827
01:13:34,160 --> 01:13:36,700
The problem with you, James,
you're a pessimist.
828
01:13:36,880 --> 01:13:40,790
You might want to grab weapons.
We could be in for a ruck.
829
01:13:49,850 --> 01:13:51,630
Come on!
830
01:13:59,940 --> 01:14:03,350
- That sword's got a cock for a handle.
- It's funny, isn't it?
831
01:14:03,530 --> 01:14:06,520
It's the only thing that'll
destroy that psycho bitch.
832
01:14:06,700 --> 01:14:08,610
It's very powerful and very ancient.
833
01:14:08,780 --> 01:14:11,690
- Sort of gay.
- So get your own fucking sword.
834
01:14:34,810 --> 01:14:37,890
I knew you would not resist me forever.
835
01:14:57,290 --> 01:15:00,370
Sorry, you're not my type.
836
01:15:21,320 --> 01:15:24,980
- Whoo-hoo!
- Lotte.
837
01:16:05,820 --> 01:16:08,020
- Bollocks.
- Fletch.
838
01:16:30,970 --> 01:16:34,050
Oh, my God!
839
01:17:07,430 --> 01:17:09,500
McLaren.
840
01:17:18,480 --> 01:17:21,640
- Jimmy!
- Throw it like you mean it!
841
01:17:43,000 --> 01:17:47,040
Un-fucking-believable!
842
01:18:40,860 --> 01:18:43,810
Is somebody taking the piss?
843
01:18:43,980 --> 01:18:47,810
The sword of Daeldo
is a mighty weapon indeed.
844
01:18:49,240 --> 01:18:50,860
Looks like the vic was right.
845
01:18:51,030 --> 01:18:54,440
Everyone seems to know what's
going on bar me. What just happened?
846
01:18:54,620 --> 01:18:57,740
It's all cock swords and scary stuff
and history and that.
847
01:18:57,910 --> 01:18:59,950
- I'll tell you later.
- Tell me now.
848
01:19:00,130 --> 01:19:01,490
- I will.
- When?
849
01:19:01,670 --> 01:19:03,580
Mate, do you want to calm down?
850
01:19:03,750 --> 01:19:07,000
I've had a bit of a busy night.
I'll tell you in a minute.
851
01:19:07,170 --> 01:19:09,880
- Whoa.
- No, look. Sunlight.
852
01:19:10,050 --> 01:19:13,590
The curse has lifted.
853
01:19:13,760 --> 01:19:17,620
- So they're not vampires anymore?
- No.
854
01:19:17,810 --> 01:19:21,100
Cool. Are they still lesbians?
855
01:19:21,270 --> 01:19:24,770
For fuck's sake.
856
01:19:27,320 --> 01:19:29,150
Uh...
857
01:19:37,500 --> 01:19:40,170
Unbelievable.
Save the day, not even a kiss.
858
01:19:40,330 --> 01:19:42,820
Do you know what? Actually, forget it.
859
01:19:43,000 --> 01:19:44,910
Forget it. Forget it. Let it go.
860
01:19:45,090 --> 01:19:47,790
Let it go, Fletch.
You're the bigger man.
861
01:19:54,220 --> 01:19:58,550
Whoa! That's some mighty fine
hotwiring skills you got there, lady.
862
01:19:58,730 --> 01:20:01,180
Thanks. Right. Now what?
863
01:20:01,360 --> 01:20:03,920
Don't know. Go home?
864
01:20:04,110 --> 01:20:08,100
Go home? They've taken my friends,
they very nearly took our lives,
865
01:20:08,280 --> 01:20:11,190
and we never even dreamed
they existed before tonight.
866
01:20:11,370 --> 01:20:14,650
How can we just go home to our beds?
867
01:20:14,830 --> 01:20:17,030
- What's she talking about?
- Uh...
868
01:20:17,210 --> 01:20:18,740
This village is free,
869
01:20:18,920 --> 01:20:22,610
but more creatures like Carmilla lurk
in the dark corners of the world.
870
01:20:22,790 --> 01:20:24,990
No one would believe us if we tell.
871
01:20:25,170 --> 01:20:27,650
We are the only people
who know the truth.
872
01:20:27,840 --> 01:20:30,540
We must go out there
and fight this menace.
873
01:20:30,720 --> 01:20:34,710
Are you suggesting we become
lesbian vampire killers?
874
01:20:34,890 --> 01:20:37,800
If that's what it takes, ja.
875
01:20:40,150 --> 01:20:44,720
Well, I ain't got anything else on
in particular at the moment, so I'm in.
876
01:20:44,900 --> 01:20:46,810
- Jim?
- I don't know.
877
01:20:46,990 --> 01:20:50,150
Oh, come on. It's in your blood,
your destiny, all that shit.
878
01:20:50,320 --> 01:20:51,730
- Huh?
- I'll tell you later.
879
01:20:51,910 --> 01:20:55,820
- Come on. You might as well.
- Join us.
880
01:20:56,000 --> 01:20:59,030
Lesbian vampire killers, it is.
Let's ride.
881
01:21:00,305 --> 01:22:00,561
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