All language subtitles for Maggie.S01E03.720p.WEB.h264-KOG

- I can't believe we're both
dating guys at the same time.

The only thing that would make
this better is if they were twins.

- Oh, I like Daniel,
but we've been out once,

and it was to a party with
free food, so it doesn't count.

- Oh, that was mine and
John's first date, too.

You know what'd be fun?
If we changed poses?

Yeah, right.

- Uh, yes, let's release tree
pose and fall into a forward bend.

Uttanasana.

What would be fun
is a double date.

I don't know. I have to
take it slow this time.

I don't want to crash and
burn like I did with Ben.

- You don't want it
to fizzle out either.

- Mm. She gets it.

- Sorry.

She said, "She gets it."

And I don't know if she
means I get it or "Shut up.

My friend gets it."

- Please don't even
think about it.

- Come on. We'll
go to a brewery.

It'll be max casual. People
wear their retainers there.

- Okay, but nothing
romantic. Seriously.

- Same page.

You're such a poet.

- I know, right?

- So I hate asking this,

but should I get on your lap

or do you want to get on mine?

- How about I just
climb on my shoulders.

- Oh, smart. Then we
can put on a trench coat

and go sneak into
an R-rated movie.

- I don't know if we
have to go anywhere

to see an R-rated movie.

- Mags, do you know
what I just realized?

Since we all went on our
first date on the same day,

we're going to have
the same anniversary.

- Can I just say,

this is super big
of you, Maggie.

After our relationship and all.

- We went on one date.

- Oh wow, you kept count.

I'm sorry.

- I can't believe
I'm a rebound guy.

- Dude. I love basketball.

- Great.

- I thought you normally
grade homework in the car

on the way to school.

- Yeah, I'm just proofing my
sister's engagement announcement.

There's a full page
of champagne emojis.

- Well, Amy and Dave's wedding
is going to be a ton of fun.

An open bar...

your family, an open bar.

- And according to this,

there's a live peacock
available for photos.

- Oh, we're going to
be in so many photos.

Do you want to do those
face-framing highlights

we've been talking about?

- I'm sure I wasn't part
of that conversation.

But you should do Amy's hair for
the wedding. She'd love that.

- Hmm. She's probably getting
someone like Chaz Dean.

- Who's Jazz Dean?

- Chaz.
- Chaz Dean?

- Yeah, he's super famous.

And anyway, it's not like your
sister is a huge fan of mine.

- What are you talking
about? Amy loves you.

- I don't really get
that feeling from her.

I once asked her if she
wanted to go grab a coffee,

and she gave me her order.

Ohh!

That's a big whoo!

- Oh, so we love Daniel, huh?

- We are cautiously
optimistic about Daniel.

- Oh, come on. That
beard? Hmm. Smexy.

- What is that?
- Smart and sexy. Like a professor.

- I did have this weird vision
at the housewarming party

that things might
work out with him.

- Well, then just go for it.

- Yeah, but after what happened with
Ben, I'm wary of trusting my visions.

But Daniel does get major points

for helping the waitress
clean up that spill.

- Well, he did knock over
an entire pitcher of beer.

- That was you, Lou.

You kicked it out of his hand
while John was twirling you.

Oh, isn't John so fun?

He's so fun. Like husband fun.

Ooooh!

- Bark, bark.
- Exactly.

- Yes. John is so great.

I'm so happy for you, Lou.

- Oh, thank you so
much for helping me

with my engagement announcement.

- Of course. I cut
it down to six pages.

- Oh, perfect. I'll add
it all back in tonight.

- Great.

So do you have a hair person
in mind for the wedding?

- Chaz Dean.

- Wow. This guy
must be really good.

- Mm-hmm. He's Chaz Dean, Ben.

- Why not Jessie?
- Hmm!

You know, that is a
really great idea.

I'd love that. What a fun idea.

- Right?
- Yeah.

- And she's really talented,
and it would mean a lot to her.

- Of course, it would.

- Amy, this is great. This
is such a huge relief.

And don't tell Jessie
I told you this,

but she's under the impression
that you don't like her.

- Oh... Ben!

Wrap me up in a straitjacket and
fly me over the cuckoo's nest,

because that is crazy.

- That is crazy, right?
- Yes, it's crazy.

I mean, do you see the chalk outline
of my body on the floor right now?

Because you killed me
with that information.

- Did you tell your sister
I didn't think she liked me?

- What?

Wrap me in a straitjacket,
'cause that's crazy.

- Okay, well, she just left
me the weirdest voicemail.

Hey,
sister friend.

Uh, I just want to say
that I love ya, obviously.

And, hey, thanks for
the coffee you bought me

at the mall that time.

So hot. Yummy.

Anyway, thanks again.

Mwah.
- Well, that is... that's nice.

- Yeah. And then right
after, she Venmo'd me $22.

- Is that how much she
thinks coffee costs?

- Babe, don't meddle, okay.

It's fine. I
honestly don't care.

- Look, I'm not meddling, okay.

I'm just getting in the middle of
things to make sure it gets better.

- Thank god you're here.
- Thank god you're here.

I just found the funniest video
of Brendan Fraser clapping.

What is wrong? You
love Brendan Fraser.

- I broke up with John, and
you know he loves to clap.

- Wait, you broke up? I
thought you liked him.

- I did, but I could tell that you
didn't see us together in the future.

So I figured why waste my time?

- Wait, I didn't say that.

- Not with words.
- What do you mean?

- Obviously, you
have your whole rule

about not giving your
friends any readings

but when you have a vision,
you kind of have a tell.

- I do not have a tell.

- Oh yeah?

Okay, watch. This is you.

Hmm.

- Okay. I do not do that.

- Yeah, you do. Other
times, you wince.

One time, you swallowed a fly,

and it went in your
mouth and never came out.

- Wait, you, you broke up with
John because I made a face.

That's terrible.
- It's not my fault.

You're very expressive
when you get a bad vision.

- It wasn't a bad vision. He
was writing a song shirtless.

- Ohh!

Okay. Well, I love
it when he does that.

He thinks better with his shirt
off. He calls it noodling.

- It was about his
dog, which sounds cute,

but it was mostly howling.

- He's so creative.

Oh yeah. There you go.
You're doing it again.

- That's just my face!

I swallowed a fly?

- Yeah. It was big.

- Dad, do I have a face?

- Of course, you do.

Got eyes and a nose

and those big old
eyebrows of yours.

- No. Louise says
that she can see

when I'm having a
good or a bad vision

and that she's been
reading my tells for years.

- Huh.

Well, maybe what you
need is a poker face.

Like when I play poker.

- Mm-hmm.
- Here. Watch.

This is what I look like
when I have a straight.

This is what I look like
when I have nothing.

- How do you do that?

- Try thinking of something
happy but don't show me.

Honey, you're showing.

Okay, if you can't hide your
tells, you can always cover them

by distracting the other person.

That's what I do.

Sometimes I'll just
suddenly speak in French.

It totally throws them.

- You should really
teach a masterclass.

Oh, hi.

- Uh, I, I can come back.

- Uh, no. Oh, that's not,
that's not what it looks like.

I was just, um...
summoning demons.

- Well, then, okay, it's
exactly what it looks like.

I was in the neighborhood,

thought I'd bring
you some dumplings.

Oh my goodness.

I really don't want to leave, but
I should get back to my workout.

- You were in the middle of
a workout? You're in jeans.

- You can avoid a
workout in any clothing.

Hey, what are you
doing this weekend?

The Renaissance
Faire is in town,

and I don't know if you know
this, but they have goats.

And honestly, I'm reaching here.

I really am.

I just, I don't know, I'd
really like to see you again.

- I don't know. Can we speak
Ye Olde English the whole time?

- Thine inquiry doth...

I regretted that as
soon as I started it.

Alright. Oh, almost
forgot the best part.

You must love these.

- Ah, fortune cookies.

- Or are they your competition?

- You know what? Maybe
we're moving too fast.

Are we moving too fast?

- Uh, you know what? Yeah, I
definitely could slow down right now.

I mean, I can feel
my food coming up.

I'm actually worried that you might have
to carry me back to my CrossFit class.

- No, I just mean
sometimes in the past,

I've jumped in a
little too quickly,

and then things have
sort of exploded.

- Yeah, of course.

You know what? I will text you. We
will figure it out. No pressure.

None at all.

I'll text you.
- Okay.

Amy?

I want to hear you say it, okay.

I want you to say that
you don't like Jessie.

- What are you talking about?
Of course, I like Jessie.

- Then why won't you...
What are you wearing?

- Onion goggles.

- Oh. Then why won't you ask her
to do your hair for the wedding?

- Mm. I really did not
want to have to say this,

but the reason I'm not asking
Jessie to do my hair for the wedding

is because I'm not so sure
she'll be at the wedding.

- What?

- Because I'm not so sure you
two will still be together.

- We've been together
since high school, Amy.

- No, Ben.

You were together in high
school, but then you broke up

because you wanted to see
what else was out there.

And then you were
together in college.

- Mm-hmm.
- But then she broke up

because she wanted to see
what else was out there.

Plus, who knows what's going
to happen between you and...

- Santa?

- No, Ben. Maggie.

She lives upstairs from you.
I was gesturing upstairs.

- Maggie and I are just friends.
- Mm.

- Alright. That has
nothing to do with this.

- All I am saying is,
what if my wedding lands

during one of the breakup
portions of your relationship?

- Okay, what if the sky explodes

and pieces of planet fall
all over your reception?

- Well, that's what
the tents are for, Ben.

- Okay, got it.

- Okay, I'm sorry that you
are so upset about this.

If I wasn't wearing these onion
goggles, I would be sobbing right now.

- Fine. Do your own hair.

- I would literally
never do my own hair.

I'm going to hire
someone. Obviously.

That's what we're fighting
about in the first place.

- Oh. Hey.

- Hi.

- Sorry. I can come back.

- No, no, no. Don't go.
Just finishing up here.

- Guess I'll have to
get used to folding

a fitted sheet in
front of somebody.

It's a lot of pressure.

- Oh, there's a trick to it.

You just ball it up,
and then you shove it

in the back of the closet
and make sure no one sees it.

- I hear that's a good
thing to do with problems.

- Yeah.

- Are you okay?

- Yes, I am.

- Really? Because you just put

all your folded laundry
back into the dryer.

- Yes, I did.

Let's just say I wish I was
an only child for one day.

Preferably Christmas,
because, you know, the gifts.

But today would be nice too.

- Well, honestly, it's
not that much fun.

I never got a bunk bed,

and there was nobody
there to turn to and say,

"Hey, Dad's wearing a
woman's blazer, right?"

- So how do you...
fold a fitted sheet?

- Uh, slowly, and with a crippling
fear of making a mistake.

- Oh.

That's another good
way to tackle problems.

See you.
- See ya.

- Hey, your door was open.

- Hi, Mags.
- Hi.

- Look who's here.
We got back together.

- Wow, that's great.

- Uh, yeah, those last couple
days without Louise were so rough.

Now I know how you
felt after we broke up.

- Yes.

Anyway, I'm so
happy for you two.

- Aww, thanks.

And I can tell by the look on
your face that you really mean it.

- Get in here, Mogg.

- He's got fun
nicknames for everybody.

- Oh.

- I'm sorry, Logg, but it's
just not going to work.

It's you.

Not me.

Je m'appelle Mogg.

- Okay. Oui, oui, oui!

- Who keeps texting?
- Hmm? Oh, nobody.

- Hmm. Nobody
sounds interesting.

Why aren't you
texting Nobody back?

- Oh, I really want to.

But, you know,
that's a losing game,

because I text him back and
then he texts me back again,

and then I text back again and
then, boom, carpal tunnel. So...

- Well, it sounds like somebody
is textually frustrated.

Hey. What's wrong?
That was hilarious.

- I had a vision of
Louise getting dumped,

and I obviously can't tell her.

I don't know what to do.

- Well, that's nothing new.

I mean, you have a no visions
policy with your friends.

- Yeah, but maybe I was
giving her signals on purpose.

Like, I wanted her to know
what was going to happen.

- Yeah.

Like when mom tells
me to change my jacket

because I'm accidentally
wearing her blazer.

- Mmm, no.

I just feel horrible because I
know how sad Louise is going to be,

and she doesn't
even see it coming.

- Well, welcome to
parenthood, sweetheart.

- What does that mean?

- Well, don't you think, as parents,
that we can see the mistakes

you're going to make
before you make them?

Like when you thought it was a good
idea to paint on a beauty mark every day

because you thought
nobody would notice.

- Why did you let that happen?

- How else would
you have learned?

No. We have to just let
you make your own mistakes.

For instance, I might think
it's a mistake to get texts

from somebody you clearly
like and not respond,

but I'm not going
to say anything.

Okay. Are you smiling because
of my very sage advice

or because you have a good hand?

No.

No. You got something.
I can tell. I fold.

- I got nothing.
- Ah!

- You know, I'm really not
looking forward to dinner tonight.

Ben's just going to make me
feel guilty the whole time.

- Don't you think you
should feel guilty?

I mean, you basically told your brother
you don't believe in his relationship.

- Well, that's not really fair.

Ben doesn't understand
the position he put me in.

- Look, if someone in my
family didn't fully accept you,

it would be like they killed my
spirit and dimmed my inner light.

- Oh no, not your inner light.

- When you first
introduced me to Ben,

I was like some rando
you met in a tent, right?

- Yeah.

- But he accepted me right
away. No questions asked.

That's what family does.

- Thank you for always
keeping me grounded.

- That's what I'm here for.

- Um... Oh.

- Hey, what's wrong?

- I'm sorry. I thought I could
do this, but I just can't.

- What do you mean?

- You broke up with
me out of nowhere,

and it really triggered
my abandonment issues.

Now, I'm constantly afraid you're
going to break up with me again.

I'm like a rescue dog that
pees when you touch it.

- Aww, John.

But, you know, that was
a total misunderstanding.

Like, I didn't even really
want to break up with you.

- That just makes it
even more confusing.

And I'm hardly ever confused.

Look, I can't eat,
I can't sleep,

I can't write my music at all.

Even when I take my shirt off.

Nothing. I mean,
the muse is gone.

And my shirt's gone, too,

because I can't
remember where I put it.

- John, we're so good together.

You know, I mean, I love
it when you pick me up

and carry me around.

Do you want to do that?
Maybe that would help.

- No. No, no, no.

My, my dojo bros warned me to
be more cautious with my heart.

They said we were stuck in
a pursue-withdraw cycle.

- You're breaking up with me?

- I'm sorry, Logg, but it's
just not going to work.

It's you. Not me.

- I'm blindsided.

- Is that the one where you
can't see far or close up?

- Both.

- Great work on the
engagement announcement, Ben.

- Thank you.

- I really liked all
the champagne emojis.

- Oh, that was all me, babe.
- Oh.

So, Jessie, I hate that this
is, like, out of the blue,

but I've been wanting
to ask you something.

Oh, Amy, it's okay.

It's really fine if you want to
have someone else do your hair.

- No, it's not that. I
actually wanted to know

if you'd be one
of my bridesmaids.

- What? Really?
- Uh-huh.

You're like my family, and
I want you there by my side.

- Oh my god, Amy,
I would love to!

Thank you.

- And also, yes, I would love
it if you would do my hair.

Of course. And maybe the
other bridesmaids' hair, too.

And my mom's.

- Oh, wow.

I mean, while I'm there,

I might as well just do the
groom's side, too, right?

- Oh my gosh, would you?
- Hmm, that'd be great.

That'd be so awesome.
I didn't want to ask, but...

- Hi.

- John broke up with me.

- I know.
- You know?

But you didn't make a weird face

or swallow a fly or anything.

- Oh my god, how many
times have I done that?

- Just the once. But it
really stuck with me.

- Oh, Lou.

I, I didn't make a face
because I've been working

on hiding my tells.

- What? No, no, no, no. You
can't do that. I need those.

- You don't.
- Yes, I do.

I can't go through life acting
solely on my own instincts.

They suck.
- Lou, it's okay to make mistakes.

In fact, it's right to.

- Yeah, but I don't wanna.

I mean, can't you just
keep feeding me fish

instead of trying to
teach me how to fish?

That sounds really hard.

- You're doing better than I am.

At least you go for it.

I've got a real catch, and
I'm afraid to reel him in.

- Well, if there's anything
that John taught me,

it's that you don't want to be
in a pursue-withdrawal cycle.

- Hmm.

- I miss him.
- Aww.

- He also taught me that light
particles travel in waves

and that our perception
defines our reality.

And that you can brush
your teeth with bark.

- There we go.

- Uh-oh. Moment of truth.
Is this a butt dial?

Hello?

Oh boy, this is a butt dial.

Now people have seen me answer the
phone, so I can't just hang up.

Sorry. It's a business call.
Tell them that's unacceptable!

We need the money up front!

- Uh, no, no. This
isn't a butt dial.

But who is this
captain of industry?

Oh, thank
god you're there.

I didn't know how I was
going to close that deal.

- Speaking of closing deals,

is that Ren Faire
still going on?

Because I am free on the morrow.

- My lady doth changed
her mind, I see.

We literally can
do anything else.

- Oh, thank god.

Time to be grateful.

Okay.
- Oh. Okay.