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1
00:00:07,633 --> 00:00:09,635
[Abe] You're walking
way too fast.
2
00:00:09,719 --> 00:00:10,970
What room did she say?
3
00:00:11,053 --> 00:00:12,304
Twelve. Room 12.
4
00:00:12,388 --> 00:00:13,806
I think she said ten.
5
00:00:13,889 --> 00:00:15,850
- I heard eight.
- She said 12.
6
00:00:15,933 --> 00:00:18,144
I'll go back and check.
Should I go back and check?
7
00:00:18,227 --> 00:00:19,854
Yes. Go back and check.
8
00:00:19,937 --> 00:00:21,272
[Abe] Are you being sarcastic?
9
00:00:21,355 --> 00:00:22,732
[Midge] The cab driver
was an idiot.
10
00:00:22,815 --> 00:00:24,024
[Rose] We're so sorry, Shirley.
11
00:00:25,067 --> 00:00:26,610
Oy, my God.
12
00:00:26,694 --> 00:00:28,279
It's bad, isn't it, Abe?
13
00:00:28,362 --> 00:00:30,406
Papa? You want to
go get people coffee?
14
00:00:30,489 --> 00:00:32,241
- Who wants coffee?
- [others] Mm-mm.
15
00:00:32,324 --> 00:00:34,785
- Everyone wants coffee.
- Guess I'll get coffee.
16
00:00:34,869 --> 00:00:36,662
- Oh.
- What are they saying?
17
00:00:36,746 --> 00:00:38,914
- They say he's going to die.
- They didn't say that.
18
00:00:38,998 --> 00:00:40,791
Well, they said
he's probably going to die.
19
00:00:40,875 --> 00:00:42,793
Ma, they're still doing tests.
20
00:00:42,877 --> 00:00:44,336
A lot of tests but no word yet.
21
00:00:44,420 --> 00:00:46,547
"No word" means he's
definitely going to die.
22
00:00:46,630 --> 00:00:47,923
You don't know that, Shirley.
23
00:00:48,007 --> 00:00:49,884
- You know something
that I don't?
- No.
24
00:00:49,967 --> 00:00:51,844
That gypsy fortune teller
speak to somebody upstairs
25
00:00:51,927 --> 00:00:52,928
and tell you the future?
26
00:00:53,012 --> 00:00:54,054
- Ma.
- Because I was sitting
27
00:00:54,138 --> 00:00:55,347
right here when the doctor said
28
00:00:55,431 --> 00:00:58,684
he absolutely,
positively is going to die.
29
00:00:58,768 --> 00:01:00,311
Miriam!
30
00:01:00,394 --> 00:01:01,729
I didn't bring my wallet.
31
00:01:01,812 --> 00:01:03,355
That's okay.
No one wants coffee.
32
00:01:03,439 --> 00:01:05,107
Then why did you send me
to get coffee?
33
00:01:05,191 --> 00:01:07,693
Just stay with Shirley
and don't speak.
34
00:01:07,777 --> 00:01:10,112
But-but where are you going?
35
00:01:10,196 --> 00:01:11,447
We'll be right back.
36
00:01:11,530 --> 00:01:13,032
Could you bring me a coffee?
37
00:01:13,115 --> 00:01:15,493
Mm-hmm. Are you okay?
38
00:01:15,618 --> 00:01:17,578
I killed him.
I killed my father.
39
00:01:17,661 --> 00:01:19,038
- Joel, no.
- Yes.
40
00:01:19,121 --> 00:01:20,664
Yes, I'm like that guy, uh...
41
00:01:20,748 --> 00:01:22,082
- Who was it?
- Who was who?
42
00:01:22,166 --> 00:01:23,751
The guy in the Bible
that killed his father.
43
00:01:23,834 --> 00:01:25,169
I don't know. Uh, Abraham?
44
00:01:25,252 --> 00:01:27,254
No. He was the one
who almost killed his son.
45
00:01:27,338 --> 00:01:29,298
- Absalom?
- No. It didn't start
with an "A."
46
00:01:29,381 --> 00:01:30,883
Uh, Oedipus?
47
00:01:30,966 --> 00:01:32,635
- That's not the Bible.
- But he killed his father.
48
00:01:32,718 --> 00:01:33,803
And married his mother.
49
00:01:33,886 --> 00:01:35,513
Well, other than that,
I'm that guy.
50
00:01:35,596 --> 00:01:37,306
Joel...
51
00:01:37,389 --> 00:01:39,558
- What happened?
- [sighs]
52
00:01:39,642 --> 00:01:42,228
He, uh, he came to the club.
He had the costumes with him.
53
00:01:42,311 --> 00:01:44,396
- Uh, a pineapple, a carrot.
Very cute.
- I know.
54
00:01:44,480 --> 00:01:46,398
Oh, there was an option
of them both being grapes.
55
00:01:46,482 --> 00:01:47,942
If you wanted to keep Esther
from running off,
56
00:01:48,025 --> 00:01:49,151
- you'd tie 'em together
like a bunch of...
- Uh-huh.
57
00:01:49,235 --> 00:01:50,361
- Circle back around, honey.
- Right.
58
00:01:50,444 --> 00:01:52,488
Uh, so I thought,
he's here, he's happy.
59
00:01:52,571 --> 00:01:54,490
Good time to tell him about Mei.
60
00:01:54,573 --> 00:01:56,200
- What did you say?
- I was nervous,
61
00:01:56,283 --> 00:01:58,661
so I-I just blurted shit out,
and I think I kind of
62
00:01:58,744 --> 00:02:00,287
mushed "Chinese"
and "pregnant" together.
63
00:02:00,371 --> 00:02:02,373
I should've let one sink in,
then hit him with the other.
64
00:02:02,456 --> 00:02:03,791
I don't think it was you.
65
00:02:03,874 --> 00:02:06,085
Really. I think it was me.
66
00:02:06,168 --> 00:02:07,586
- What?
- I did it. I killed Moishe.
67
00:02:07,670 --> 00:02:08,921
- You did not kill Moishe.
- Our last conversation,
68
00:02:09,004 --> 00:02:10,464
I told him I couldn't
pay him his money,
69
00:02:10,548 --> 00:02:12,383
and he literally told me
he was having a heart attack.
70
00:02:12,466 --> 00:02:13,759
- When was this?
- Two weeks ago.
71
00:02:13,843 --> 00:02:15,386
Pretty slow heart attack.
72
00:02:15,469 --> 00:02:17,137
But maybe I laid the track for
him to have the heart attack.
73
00:02:17,221 --> 00:02:19,431
Got him started, and then you
came in and finished him off.
74
00:02:19,515 --> 00:02:21,267
- This is very comforting.
- You didn't kill your father.
75
00:02:21,350 --> 00:02:22,977
- Well, neither did you.
- [doctor] Room 12.
Moishe Maisel.
76
00:02:23,060 --> 00:02:24,436
The wife's a hysterical.
77
00:02:24,520 --> 00:02:26,564
- [doctor sighs]
- I-I should get back in there
78
00:02:26,647 --> 00:02:27,940
to listen to them
tell us nothing.
79
00:02:28,023 --> 00:02:29,191
Because otherwise,
it's a long time
80
00:02:29,275 --> 00:02:30,651
before they come back
to tell us nothing.
81
00:02:30,734 --> 00:02:32,820
Twelve. I think it's room 12.
Joel, Midge, how is he?
82
00:02:32,903 --> 00:02:34,446
We don't know.
He's unconscious.
83
00:02:34,530 --> 00:02:35,447
[Archie] Unconscious?
84
00:02:35,531 --> 00:02:37,575
[groans] Jesus. I'm so sorry.
85
00:02:37,616 --> 00:02:40,703
- Thanks, pal.
- No, I mean...
86
00:02:40,786 --> 00:02:42,329
- I killed your father, Joel.
- What?
87
00:02:42,413 --> 00:02:44,039
[Archie] I lost the money.
88
00:02:44,164 --> 00:02:46,250
If that money hadn't have gotten
ripped out of my hands...
89
00:02:46,333 --> 00:02:47,793
- Archie.
- That's when
all the trouble started.
90
00:02:47,877 --> 00:02:49,628
I had nothing to do with this,
so I'll just be the person
91
00:02:49,712 --> 00:02:51,213
- who pats people's arms.
- Calm down, Arch.
92
00:02:51,297 --> 00:02:52,506
Really.
It's nice you're here.
93
00:02:52,590 --> 00:02:53,966
Should I go tell your mother
it was my fault?
94
00:02:54,049 --> 00:02:55,801
- I'll do it later.
- [Mei] This way to room 12?
95
00:02:55,885 --> 00:02:57,678
Finally. I left you a message
over an hour ago.
96
00:02:57,761 --> 00:02:59,305
- Where have you been?
- Yankee Stadium.
97
00:02:59,388 --> 00:03:01,140
- Why?
- Because the message
you left Li Wei said,
98
00:03:01,223 --> 00:03:02,516
"Go to Yankee Stadium."
99
00:03:02,600 --> 00:03:03,976
I've got to get a better
fucking dictionary.
100
00:03:04,059 --> 00:03:06,145
- How is he?
- [sighs]
101
00:03:07,396 --> 00:03:09,940
- [Joel] I don't know.
- [Mei] He'll be okay.
102
00:03:10,024 --> 00:03:12,276
[Abe] Wait, what was that?
What just happened?
103
00:03:12,359 --> 00:03:14,194
Yeah, I'm getting
a lot of action today.
104
00:03:14,278 --> 00:03:16,196
Doctor! Get the doctor.
105
00:03:16,280 --> 00:03:17,615
- Why? What happened?
- [Rose] Abe!
106
00:03:17,698 --> 00:03:19,783
Get back here.
Nothing's changed.
107
00:03:19,867 --> 00:03:22,036
I distinctly heard
a death rattle.
108
00:03:22,119 --> 00:03:24,455
You just dropped your keys.
109
00:03:24,538 --> 00:03:26,874
Come on, Papa.
I'll hold your keys.
110
00:03:30,419 --> 00:03:32,421
[♪ Perry Como:
"Here Comes Heaven Again"]
111
00:03:34,423 --> 00:03:37,009
[Rose] Okay, Abe, Zelda and I
are heading to the house
112
00:03:37,092 --> 00:03:39,511
to get Shirley's things.
113
00:03:39,595 --> 00:03:42,181
Try to get some rest, Shirley.
114
00:03:42,264 --> 00:03:44,099
Mm.
115
00:03:45,643 --> 00:03:47,019
[sighs]
116
00:03:47,102 --> 00:03:53,692
[on TV] ♪ Get that angel face ♪
117
00:03:55,319 --> 00:03:56,654
[sniffles]
118
00:03:56,737 --> 00:04:03,077
♪ You don't need
a halo or wings...
119
00:04:03,160 --> 00:04:07,039
Thank you for letting me
spend the night here, Abe.
120
00:04:07,122 --> 00:04:10,417
That house without Moishe...
121
00:04:10,501 --> 00:04:13,587
You can stay here
as long as you want.
122
00:04:13,671 --> 00:04:19,218
♪ Fabulous things ♪
123
00:04:19,301 --> 00:04:24,932
♪ With eyes that
lull me to dreams...
124
00:04:25,015 --> 00:04:28,060
Just wanted to make sure it
was working in case they call.
125
00:04:28,143 --> 00:04:30,646
You're welcome to sit
and watch with me.
126
00:04:30,729 --> 00:04:34,942
- I could make us a drink.
- Ah, drink would be good.
127
00:04:35,025 --> 00:04:38,028
[sniffling]
128
00:04:38,112 --> 00:04:42,074
- You know, Moishe and I have
the most beautiful burial plots.
- Uh-huh.
129
00:04:42,157 --> 00:04:44,994
There's a tree right overhead,
130
00:04:45,077 --> 00:04:47,079
and Moishe sprung
for a little bench
131
00:04:47,162 --> 00:04:50,332
- so people could sit.
- Sit? Sure, sure.
132
00:04:50,416 --> 00:04:52,835
He also sprung for
the maintenance package,
133
00:04:52,918 --> 00:04:55,963
which means the cemetery people
have to cut the grass
134
00:04:56,046 --> 00:04:58,465
and empty the vases once a week.
135
00:05:00,092 --> 00:05:02,094
[both exhale]
136
00:05:02,177 --> 00:05:03,887
Do you and Rose
have your plots yet?
137
00:05:03,971 --> 00:05:05,764
Have you ever seen
The Twilight Zone?
138
00:05:05,848 --> 00:05:07,641
It's a terrific program.
139
00:05:07,725 --> 00:05:09,768
No. Is it on now?
140
00:05:09,852 --> 00:05:12,980
No. No, it's not, damn it.
141
00:05:13,063 --> 00:05:15,024
You know, you and Rose
should really hurry up
142
00:05:15,107 --> 00:05:17,026
and get those plots.
143
00:05:17,109 --> 00:05:19,862
You don't want to leave
any of the planning to the kids.
144
00:05:19,945 --> 00:05:21,989
[scoffs] Knowing Miriam,
145
00:05:22,072 --> 00:05:25,117
she'll probably want
to get you a funny casket.
146
00:05:25,200 --> 00:05:28,871
Like one that's shaped like
a shamrock or a schvantz.
147
00:05:28,954 --> 00:05:30,748
Can you imagine?
148
00:05:30,831 --> 00:05:32,624
Well, I can now.
149
00:05:33,625 --> 00:05:34,960
[sniffles]
150
00:05:35,044 --> 00:05:37,796
Moishe wants an obituary
in The New York Times,
151
00:05:37,880 --> 00:05:40,049
just like Albert Einstein.
152
00:05:40,132 --> 00:05:42,509
He had the nicest obituary.
153
00:05:42,593 --> 00:05:44,928
I wonder who wrote it.
[sniffles]
154
00:05:45,012 --> 00:05:47,139
[sobbing softly]
155
00:05:47,222 --> 00:05:49,850
We never...
we never got to Turkey.
156
00:05:49,933 --> 00:05:51,852
Turkey? Why Turkey?
157
00:05:51,935 --> 00:05:55,272
We had a plumber
that was from Turkey.
158
00:05:55,355 --> 00:05:57,566
[Shirley sobs, sniffles]
159
00:05:59,234 --> 00:06:01,945
- What are you gonna do
if Rose goes first?
- What?
160
00:06:02,029 --> 00:06:05,532
Oh, no.
I-I'm definitely going first.
161
00:06:05,616 --> 00:06:07,785
[scoffs]
162
00:06:07,868 --> 00:06:11,872
I think God is a cruel god.
Don't you?
163
00:06:11,955 --> 00:06:14,708
Well, I actually think God is
164
00:06:14,792 --> 00:06:17,252
more of a brilliant
marketing ploy.
165
00:06:18,295 --> 00:06:21,131
It's cruel that people know
they're going to die.
166
00:06:21,215 --> 00:06:23,300
It's like someone telling you
the end of a movie
167
00:06:23,383 --> 00:06:25,344
before you've seen it.
168
00:06:25,427 --> 00:06:28,222
I mean, how much fun is it
sitting through Casablanca
169
00:06:28,305 --> 00:06:31,433
if you already know
Ingrid Bergman isn't ending up
170
00:06:31,517 --> 00:06:33,894
with Humphrey Bogart?
171
00:06:33,977 --> 00:06:37,898
No tap dancing, no dwarves.
172
00:06:37,981 --> 00:06:40,776
One song, and Bogart walks off
173
00:06:40,859 --> 00:06:42,861
with the guy
who hangs out with Nazis.
174
00:06:44,113 --> 00:06:46,824
It is a very overrated movie.
175
00:06:47,866 --> 00:06:50,035
You know, when my grandfather
was kidnapped...
176
00:06:50,119 --> 00:06:53,080
Hold on.
Your grandfather was kidnapped?
177
00:06:53,163 --> 00:06:54,998
- Yes.
- By who?
178
00:06:55,082 --> 00:06:58,043
Well, first we thought
it was anarchists,
179
00:06:58,127 --> 00:07:00,254
but then we found out
it was the Ubramawitz boys
180
00:07:00,337 --> 00:07:02,422
- from around the corner.
- Why?
181
00:07:02,506 --> 00:07:04,341
Oh, who knows
why boys do anything?
182
00:07:04,424 --> 00:07:06,885
Anyhow, before we got him back,
183
00:07:06,969 --> 00:07:10,639
when my grandmother thought
he was gone for good,
184
00:07:10,722 --> 00:07:13,225
she said, "He's lucky.
185
00:07:13,308 --> 00:07:16,478
He died with all his teeth."
186
00:07:16,562 --> 00:07:19,398
That's the best
you can hope for in life,
187
00:07:19,481 --> 00:07:22,693
that you die
with all your teeth.
188
00:07:22,776 --> 00:07:24,903
[chuckles softly]
189
00:07:26,989 --> 00:07:28,407
Abe.
190
00:07:29,825 --> 00:07:31,994
I just want you to know,
191
00:07:32,077 --> 00:07:36,498
if Rose goes first,
I will be there to help.
192
00:07:38,458 --> 00:07:40,544
Thank you, Shirley.
193
00:07:40,627 --> 00:07:46,383
♪ Somebody's walking
in my dream ♪♪
194
00:07:46,466 --> 00:07:47,885
[phone rings]
195
00:07:47,968 --> 00:07:49,928
- Susie Myerson and Associates.
- [footsteps running]
196
00:07:50,012 --> 00:07:51,471
- Uh-huh.
- [laughter]
197
00:07:51,555 --> 00:07:53,015
Could you talk a little faster?
198
00:07:53,098 --> 00:07:55,517
We only have one line,
so while I'm talking to you,
199
00:07:55,601 --> 00:07:57,019
three other calls could be
trying to come in.
200
00:07:57,102 --> 00:07:58,812
[Susie] Fucking
working on it, Dinah!
201
00:07:58,896 --> 00:08:00,063
Wait.
202
00:08:00,147 --> 00:08:01,690
- Are the kids here?
- Yes.
203
00:08:01,773 --> 00:08:03,358
You have to warn me
when the kids are here
204
00:08:03,442 --> 00:08:05,027
- so I don't say "fuck."
- The kids are here.
205
00:08:05,110 --> 00:08:07,446
- Shit!
- I'll have her call you back.
206
00:08:07,529 --> 00:08:08,906
- Do I need to know
who that was?
- [phone rings]
207
00:08:08,989 --> 00:08:10,991
Nope.
Susie Myerson and Associates.
208
00:08:11,074 --> 00:08:12,993
- Pick a card.
- I am not picking a card.
209
00:08:13,076 --> 00:08:14,494
Fine.
210
00:08:14,578 --> 00:08:16,496
I'll just look
through your wallet instead.
211
00:08:16,580 --> 00:08:18,707
Ah. She's got other boyfriends.
212
00:08:18,790 --> 00:08:20,334
You know that's not magic.
213
00:08:20,417 --> 00:08:22,085
That's five to ten
where I come from.
214
00:08:22,169 --> 00:08:24,087
Not if you ask them
to pick a card first.
215
00:08:24,171 --> 00:08:25,589
[Dinah] ...care of
Dinah Rutledge.
216
00:08:25,672 --> 00:08:27,007
We brought some
sfogliatelle today.
217
00:08:27,090 --> 00:08:28,508
- [Nicky] I don't smell coffee.
- Bye.
218
00:08:28,592 --> 00:08:30,969
- Dinah, this I take personally.
- [phone rings]
219
00:08:31,053 --> 00:08:33,055
- Dinah...
- Make the coffee
yourself, Nicky.
220
00:08:33,138 --> 00:08:34,848
Susie Myerson and Associates.
221
00:08:34,932 --> 00:08:36,308
- [Nicky] Where are
the coffee filters?
- Yes, we handle him.
222
00:08:36,391 --> 00:08:37,517
They're talking about me.
223
00:08:37,601 --> 00:08:38,894
You know I'm doing
something here.
224
00:08:38,977 --> 00:08:39,937
I will have to check
the calendar
225
00:08:40,020 --> 00:08:40,938
and talk to Miss Myerson
about that.
226
00:08:41,021 --> 00:08:43,065
Look, I'll call you back.
227
00:08:43,148 --> 00:08:45,275
- [receiver clicks]
- [sighs] You know, you should
get a second line in here.
228
00:08:45,359 --> 00:08:46,610
[Susie] Fuck you, Frank!
229
00:08:46,693 --> 00:08:48,028
- Wait, the kids are still here?
- [phone rings]
230
00:08:48,111 --> 00:08:49,529
- [Frank] Yep.
- Goddamn it.
231
00:08:49,613 --> 00:08:51,114
Susie Myerson and Associates.
232
00:08:51,198 --> 00:08:53,450
- [Maggie] Dinah!
- Can you hold, please?
233
00:08:55,410 --> 00:08:56,954
What do you got, Maggie?
234
00:08:57,037 --> 00:08:59,373
Someone calling about
that weird magic guy.
235
00:08:59,456 --> 00:09:00,999
- Does he do birthday parties?
- Hold on.
236
00:09:02,084 --> 00:09:03,126
Hold on.
237
00:09:03,210 --> 00:09:04,294
Does Alfie do birthday parties?
238
00:09:04,378 --> 00:09:05,671
Only if it's Billy Wilder's.
239
00:09:05,754 --> 00:09:08,382
I love when they talk about me
like I'm not here.
240
00:09:08,465 --> 00:09:10,133
No, I really do.
241
00:09:10,217 --> 00:09:11,760
You know the minute they get
another chair in here,
242
00:09:11,843 --> 00:09:13,345
our relationship is over, right?
243
00:09:13,428 --> 00:09:15,222
[Dinah] They asked, what if they
threw in car fare and lunch?
244
00:09:15,305 --> 00:09:17,057
- [Susie] No birthday parties...
- I don't know what
you're looking at.
245
00:09:17,140 --> 00:09:19,851
- I did not bring these for you.
- [Dinah] I'm sorry,
that's not gonna work.
246
00:09:19,935 --> 00:09:21,728
- [kids laughing]
- That's a big no there, Maggie.
247
00:09:21,812 --> 00:09:23,814
Geez, wouldn't have thought a
magician could pick and choose.
248
00:09:23,897 --> 00:09:25,399
- [chuckles]
- No.
249
00:09:25,482 --> 00:09:27,150
[Frank] You got Maggie
working for you now, huh?
250
00:09:27,234 --> 00:09:28,735
Well, I tell people
if they can't get through here
251
00:09:28,819 --> 00:09:30,696
to call over there.
You know Maggie?
252
00:09:30,779 --> 00:09:33,073
I know her boss, Gil.
He paints houses for us.
253
00:09:33,156 --> 00:09:34,741
Huh. I thought he was a plumber.
254
00:09:34,825 --> 00:09:37,452
- [phone rings]
- Susie Myerson and Associates?
255
00:09:37,536 --> 00:09:39,871
Dinah, it's Midge. I need to
talk to Susie for a moment.
256
00:09:39,955 --> 00:09:41,456
Hi, Midge. We don't have
any bookings for you.
257
00:09:41,540 --> 00:09:42,833
I'll tell her you called. Bye.
258
00:09:42,916 --> 00:09:44,209
[Midge] Dinah, wait...
259
00:09:44,293 --> 00:09:45,335
Cissy, what's that
in your mouth?
260
00:09:45,419 --> 00:09:46,753
- I'm no snitch!
- [phone rings]
261
00:09:46,837 --> 00:09:48,714
- [laughter]
- Couldn't be prouder.
262
00:09:48,797 --> 00:09:50,757
- Dinah!
- Yeah, Maggie?
263
00:09:50,841 --> 00:09:53,635
Florenz Ziegfeld's on the phone!
It's very important!
264
00:09:53,719 --> 00:09:55,220
Okay. Send him over.
265
00:09:55,304 --> 00:09:57,139
Susie, Florenz Ziegfeld's
on the phone.
266
00:09:57,222 --> 00:09:59,141
- Are you sure?
- Yes, I'm sure.
- [phone ringing]
267
00:09:59,224 --> 00:10:00,934
- The light's not lit up.
- It's on the other line.
268
00:10:01,018 --> 00:10:03,061
- I thought we didn't have
another line.
- The clothesline.
269
00:10:03,145 --> 00:10:05,230
- What?
- Just come get it. I have to
pick up the other phone.
270
00:10:05,314 --> 00:10:06,690
What do you mean you have to
pick up the other phone?
271
00:10:06,773 --> 00:10:08,108
Aren't you on the other phone?
272
00:10:08,191 --> 00:10:09,735
Susie Myerson and Associates.
273
00:10:09,818 --> 00:10:11,611
Wait, isn't
Florenz Ziegfeld dead?
274
00:10:11,695 --> 00:10:12,696
Yep. He died in '32.
275
00:10:12,779 --> 00:10:15,324
Let me check.
What was that date again?
276
00:10:15,407 --> 00:10:18,827
[Susie] Great system
we got here.
277
00:10:18,910 --> 00:10:20,454
This is Susie Myerson.
278
00:10:20,537 --> 00:10:21,830
Too fucking busy for me?
279
00:10:21,913 --> 00:10:22,998
- Miriam?
- Yes.
280
00:10:23,081 --> 00:10:24,291
Oh, so Ziegfeld is dead.
281
00:10:24,374 --> 00:10:25,792
Course he is. I saw the body.
282
00:10:25,876 --> 00:10:27,127
Listen, Joel's father
had a heart attack.
283
00:10:27,210 --> 00:10:28,462
I have to get back
to the hospital.
284
00:10:28,545 --> 00:10:29,921
Do you think
you could send someone
285
00:10:30,005 --> 00:10:31,923
- down to the club
to sub for me?
- Uh, hold on.
286
00:10:32,007 --> 00:10:34,259
James, you want to fill in
for Midge down at the Wolford?
287
00:10:34,343 --> 00:10:36,261
You know, easy money,
half-naked chicks?
288
00:10:36,345 --> 00:10:38,388
You promised not
to book me toilet gigs.
289
00:10:38,472 --> 00:10:40,098
Tell him I heard that.
290
00:10:40,182 --> 00:10:41,808
Never mind.
I'll think of something.
291
00:10:41,892 --> 00:10:44,394
Okay. Sorry about your
not at all father-in-law.
292
00:10:44,478 --> 00:10:45,979
- Uh-huh.
- Just gonna keep saying it
293
00:10:46,063 --> 00:10:47,230
till it sinks the fuck in.
294
00:10:47,314 --> 00:10:48,440
Kids are still here,
aren't they?
295
00:10:48,523 --> 00:10:49,441
- Yep.
- Mother...
296
00:10:49,524 --> 00:10:50,734
- Susie.
- Yep.
297
00:10:50,817 --> 00:10:52,235
[phone clatters in bucket]
298
00:10:52,319 --> 00:10:53,362
- [woman] Village Voice.
- [phone ringing]
299
00:10:53,445 --> 00:10:55,030
- What do we think?
- I cover nightlife, man.
300
00:10:55,113 --> 00:10:56,615
If the dude's not holding
a sax or a joint,
301
00:10:56,698 --> 00:10:58,325
- I have no opinion.
- Find one.
302
00:10:58,408 --> 00:11:00,535
My opinion is, if Nixon wins,
we move to France.
303
00:11:00,619 --> 00:11:01,828
I have a rent-controlled
apartment,
304
00:11:01,912 --> 00:11:03,163
so I'm gonna stick it out. You?
305
00:11:03,246 --> 00:11:04,539
I think he's handsome
in that one,
306
00:11:04,623 --> 00:11:05,832
very handsome in that one.
307
00:11:05,916 --> 00:11:07,793
However, that one,
he's just plain adorable.
308
00:11:07,876 --> 00:11:11,296
- Okay. What about Nixon?
- I was talking about Nixon.
309
00:11:11,380 --> 00:11:12,923
Move away from me.
310
00:11:13,006 --> 00:11:14,383
I've got a thing for Quakers.
311
00:11:14,466 --> 00:11:16,134
Farther away. Hoboken, please.
312
00:11:16,218 --> 00:11:19,262
Fine. I want you to write
an obituary for Moishe Maisel,
313
00:11:19,346 --> 00:11:20,847
owner of Maisel and Roth.
314
00:11:20,931 --> 00:11:23,266
He's an American success story.
315
00:11:23,350 --> 00:11:25,102
Self-made garment manufacturer.
316
00:11:25,185 --> 00:11:27,521
I told you about the 13 Jews.
317
00:11:27,604 --> 00:11:30,899
Why not? You wrote one
for Albert Einstein.
318
00:11:30,982 --> 00:11:32,984
Well, Moishe Maisel
put a new kind of elastic
319
00:11:33,068 --> 00:11:34,861
in his ultra men's
breathable briefs.
320
00:11:34,945 --> 00:11:36,988
So, yes, Einstein transformed
321
00:11:37,072 --> 00:11:38,865
theoretical physics
and astronomy,
322
00:11:38,949 --> 00:11:41,576
superseding a 200-year-old
theory of mechanics
323
00:11:41,660 --> 00:11:43,620
created primarily
by Isaac Newton,
324
00:11:43,703 --> 00:11:47,457
but Moishe Maisel
let your testicles breathe.
325
00:11:47,541 --> 00:11:50,460
You're a New Yorker.
You know what summer's like.
326
00:11:50,544 --> 00:11:52,838
Excuse me. Why are you here?
327
00:11:52,921 --> 00:11:54,881
Oh, I'm Abe's personal
part-time secretary.
328
00:11:54,965 --> 00:11:56,133
I do his typing. You?
329
00:11:56,216 --> 00:11:57,384
I work here.
330
00:11:57,467 --> 00:11:58,969
- Doing what?
- Many things.
331
00:11:59,052 --> 00:12:01,763
- Right now,
I'm very busy filing.
- I see the stack.
332
00:12:01,847 --> 00:12:04,558
- I used to type for Abe,
but now he has you.
- He does.
333
00:12:04,641 --> 00:12:05,725
- Part-time.
- For now.
334
00:12:05,809 --> 00:12:07,352
Full-time.
335
00:12:07,436 --> 00:12:09,896
Fine. I'm canceling
my subscription.
336
00:12:09,980 --> 00:12:12,983
I'll read the grease-stained
copy at the library.
337
00:12:13,066 --> 00:12:14,860
"What's he known for?"
he kept saying.
338
00:12:14,943 --> 00:12:16,361
"What's he known for?"
339
00:12:16,445 --> 00:12:18,321
As if a-a man's life is measured
340
00:12:18,405 --> 00:12:20,157
by how many people
have heard of him?
341
00:12:20,240 --> 00:12:22,576
Mickey Mouse,
a known anti-Semite,
342
00:12:22,659 --> 00:12:24,369
can get an obituary
in The New York Times,
343
00:12:24,453 --> 00:12:25,912
but Moishe Maisel cannot?
344
00:12:25,996 --> 00:12:28,623
Okay, time-out. I will call
Simon Mellman at The Times.
345
00:12:28,707 --> 00:12:31,084
- Isobel, get Simon for me.
- [Isobel] Okay.
346
00:12:31,168 --> 00:12:33,086
Simon is a very good
friend of mine,
347
00:12:33,170 --> 00:12:37,716
and he owes me several favors,
$300 and a fiancée.
348
00:12:37,799 --> 00:12:40,719
[Isobel] Got him.
Please hold for Gabe Walensky.
349
00:12:40,802 --> 00:12:43,305
- Simon, Gabe. How are you?
- Tell him about the Jews.
350
00:12:43,388 --> 00:12:45,765
- Yeah, listen,
I'm calling in a chip here.
- Thirteen of them.
351
00:12:45,849 --> 00:12:47,934
I need your team to do
an obituary for a friend.
352
00:12:48,018 --> 00:12:50,145
- The Jews, the Jews, the Jews!
- Hold on. What?
353
00:12:50,228 --> 00:12:52,439
- Tell him about the Jews.
- The history of, or...
354
00:12:52,522 --> 00:12:54,274
Yeah, no, Simon, I'm here.
355
00:12:54,357 --> 00:12:56,234
- The man in question is...
- Moishe Maisel.
356
00:12:56,318 --> 00:12:58,153
Moishe Maisel. And he was...
357
00:12:58,236 --> 00:12:59,988
- In the garment business.
- In the garment business.
358
00:13:00,071 --> 00:13:01,698
There was no Roth.
Moishe made him up.
359
00:13:01,781 --> 00:13:03,658
- That's right.
- He never went to Turkey!
360
00:13:03,742 --> 00:13:05,827
- What are you talking about?
- He had a Turkish plumber.
361
00:13:05,911 --> 00:13:07,120
Kev, hold him.
362
00:13:07,204 --> 00:13:08,830
Yes, I'm here.
363
00:13:08,914 --> 00:13:10,332
I know, but this is a favor.
364
00:13:10,415 --> 00:13:11,875
Simon, let me remind you
365
00:13:11,958 --> 00:13:13,960
that you stole Diana from me
at my own birthday party.
366
00:13:14,044 --> 00:13:16,421
Yes, you did,
you traitorous asshole!
367
00:13:16,505 --> 00:13:18,632
And I think the very least
you could do for me now
368
00:13:18,715 --> 00:13:20,509
is have one of
your obit guys type up
369
00:13:20,592 --> 00:13:22,344
a goddamn obit for this man.
370
00:13:22,427 --> 00:13:24,262
And give me my $300 back!
371
00:13:25,347 --> 00:13:27,682
Well, fuck you!
372
00:13:27,766 --> 00:13:30,268
Listen up, everybody.
373
00:13:30,352 --> 00:13:33,438
Simon Mellman is
persona non grata from now on.
374
00:13:33,522 --> 00:13:35,899
Never met him,
never heard of him.
375
00:13:35,982 --> 00:13:39,361
He is Nikolai Khokhlov,
and we are Russia.
376
00:13:39,444 --> 00:13:41,238
- What?
- And these are the covers.
377
00:13:41,321 --> 00:13:43,532
And if you have a problem
with that, suck it!
378
00:13:43,615 --> 00:13:44,908
[woman] All right, then.
379
00:13:44,991 --> 00:13:46,868
- Sorry, Abe. I can't help you.
- Well, fine.
380
00:13:46,952 --> 00:13:48,620
I guess there's nothing to do
but write it myself.
381
00:13:48,703 --> 00:13:49,996
- Dody?
- Yes, Abe?
382
00:13:50,080 --> 00:13:51,873
Fresh piece of paper, please.
383
00:13:51,957 --> 00:13:53,416
Where is this
being published, Abe?
384
00:13:53,500 --> 00:13:54,834
Here, in The Village Voice.
385
00:13:54,918 --> 00:13:56,461
The Voice doesn't do obits.
386
00:13:56,545 --> 00:13:58,838
Great. Then it's a brief,
informative article
387
00:13:58,922 --> 00:14:00,799
about a man who recently died.
388
00:14:00,882 --> 00:14:02,634
Dody, let's get to work.
389
00:14:02,717 --> 00:14:05,720
[♪ Annette Funicello:
"Pineapple Princess"]
390
00:14:05,804 --> 00:14:07,764
♪ Pineapple princess ♪
391
00:14:07,847 --> 00:14:10,517
♪ He calls me
pineapple princess all day ♪
392
00:14:10,600 --> 00:14:13,603
♪ As he plays his ukulele
on the hill above the bay...
393
00:14:13,687 --> 00:14:15,438
Cramming for midterms?
394
00:14:15,522 --> 00:14:17,065
These doctors,
they come in and babble
395
00:14:17,148 --> 00:14:18,567
a bunch of bullshit,
and then they leave
396
00:14:18,650 --> 00:14:20,193
- before you can ask
any questions.
- Bagel.
397
00:14:20,277 --> 00:14:21,820
And every time,
a different one shows up,
398
00:14:21,903 --> 00:14:23,238
and they can't answer
the question you have
399
00:14:23,321 --> 00:14:24,948
from the last guy
'cause that's not their field.
400
00:14:25,031 --> 00:14:27,284
- Bite.
- And they use terms
that you can't understand,
401
00:14:27,367 --> 00:14:28,618
and they talk fast
and leave fast,
402
00:14:28,702 --> 00:14:30,287
so I figured I'd borrow
a bunch of Mei's books,
403
00:14:30,370 --> 00:14:32,163
- take notes
and look it up later.
- Coffee.
404
00:14:32,247 --> 00:14:33,582
But I don't know
the words they're using,
405
00:14:33,665 --> 00:14:35,125
so I tried writing
them down phonetically,
406
00:14:35,208 --> 00:14:37,210
but since the actual word is not
spelled the way I wrote it down,
407
00:14:37,294 --> 00:14:39,296
I can't find it, and basically,
all I've found out so far
408
00:14:39,379 --> 00:14:40,630
is that my father's heart attack
409
00:14:40,714 --> 00:14:42,424
has something to do
with his heart.
410
00:14:44,426 --> 00:14:46,344
Thank you.
411
00:14:46,428 --> 00:14:48,930
So no change at all, huh?
412
00:14:49,014 --> 00:14:51,850
- And the longer he's out...
- Nope. Eat your bagel.
413
00:14:53,685 --> 00:14:55,687
Hey. You see this?
414
00:14:55,770 --> 00:14:58,440
- East.
- Red. Dragon.
415
00:14:58,523 --> 00:15:01,443
Yeah. They've been at it
for a couple of hours.
416
00:15:01,526 --> 00:15:03,445
Mei's trying
to distract Ma a little.
417
00:15:03,528 --> 00:15:05,947
She got nuts and tried to make
soup in the hospital kitchen.
418
00:15:06,031 --> 00:15:07,824
They called the cops, so...
419
00:15:07,907 --> 00:15:09,492
- I need money.
- What?
420
00:15:09,576 --> 00:15:11,328
- Your mother wiped me out.
- You're kidding.
421
00:15:11,411 --> 00:15:12,537
Do I look like I'm kidding?
422
00:15:12,621 --> 00:15:13,830
You didn't need to let her win.
423
00:15:13,913 --> 00:15:15,915
I didn't. That woman's a shark.
424
00:15:15,999 --> 00:15:17,876
I am a great mah-jongg player.
425
00:15:17,959 --> 00:15:20,211
I come from generations
of great mah-jongg players.
426
00:15:20,295 --> 00:15:22,422
My family runs a mah-jongg
parlor, for God's sake.
427
00:15:22,505 --> 00:15:24,633
And she is wiping
the floor with me.
428
00:15:24,716 --> 00:15:26,259
Hi.
429
00:15:26,343 --> 00:15:27,844
Bagel?
430
00:15:27,927 --> 00:15:29,262
- Here.
- That's it?
431
00:15:29,346 --> 00:15:31,014
- Oh, no. I need more.
- I don't have more.
432
00:15:31,097 --> 00:15:32,807
Joel, she has a $20 buy-in.
433
00:15:32,891 --> 00:15:35,518
Hold on. I'll see if
I have more in my jacket.
434
00:15:35,602 --> 00:15:37,145
[chiming over P.A.]
435
00:15:37,228 --> 00:15:39,773
[woman on P.A.] Dr. McGuire,
please report to the ER.
436
00:15:39,856 --> 00:15:41,775
Dr. McGuire, to the ER.
437
00:15:41,858 --> 00:15:43,610
Bagel?
438
00:15:43,693 --> 00:15:45,070
Thanks.
439
00:15:46,404 --> 00:15:48,740
It's nice, you keeping Shirley
busy like this.
440
00:15:48,823 --> 00:15:50,533
Did Joel tell you
they called the cops?
441
00:15:50,617 --> 00:15:52,035
He did.
442
00:15:53,203 --> 00:15:55,664
He also told me...
443
00:15:55,747 --> 00:15:57,207
Please don't be mad, but Joel...
444
00:15:57,290 --> 00:16:01,002
I know about... the situation.
445
00:16:02,712 --> 00:16:04,297
Oh.
446
00:16:04,381 --> 00:16:06,132
I thought maybe
we could have a talk.
447
00:16:06,216 --> 00:16:08,218
Oh, it's a little late
for that, don't you think?
448
00:16:08,301 --> 00:16:09,636
Different talk.
449
00:16:09,719 --> 00:16:11,346
We should figure out
how it's gonna work.
450
00:16:11,429 --> 00:16:12,514
How what's gonna work?
451
00:16:12,597 --> 00:16:15,809
You know, with you and me
and Joel and the kids.
452
00:16:15,892 --> 00:16:17,936
I mean, you'll be, you know...
453
00:16:18,019 --> 00:16:19,479
They'll be, you know...
454
00:16:19,562 --> 00:16:21,231
- Clearly, I don't know.
- Mei, come on.
455
00:16:21,314 --> 00:16:23,733
Obviously, they live with me,
but they'll be with you a lot,
456
00:16:23,817 --> 00:16:26,486
and now they'll have a sibling,
and I just think we need
457
00:16:26,569 --> 00:16:28,697
- to discuss some ground rules.
- Like?
458
00:16:28,780 --> 00:16:30,949
Like I don't want them
calling you Mom.
459
00:16:31,032 --> 00:16:32,659
- Me, either.
- But they'll need
to call you something.
460
00:16:32,742 --> 00:16:34,202
- Why?
- Why?
461
00:16:34,285 --> 00:16:35,954
Well, what if they lock
themselves in your bathroom
462
00:16:36,037 --> 00:16:37,455
and they need
to call out for help?
463
00:16:37,539 --> 00:16:39,874
- Why are they in my bathroom?
- Because it's bath time.
464
00:16:39,958 --> 00:16:41,543
They're bathing in my bathroom?
465
00:16:41,626 --> 00:16:43,294
- Mei, come on.
- They're your kids.
You bathe 'em.
466
00:16:43,378 --> 00:16:44,921
- But they're staying with you.
- Why?
467
00:16:45,004 --> 00:16:46,756
- Because it's your weekend.
- To do what?
468
00:16:46,840 --> 00:16:49,634
To take them because
you are married to their father.
469
00:16:52,262 --> 00:16:54,723
- Aren't you?
- [chiming over P.A.]
470
00:16:54,806 --> 00:16:57,016
[woman over P.A.] Phone call
for Midge Maisel.
471
00:16:57,100 --> 00:16:59,018
Phone call for Midge Maisel.
472
00:16:59,102 --> 00:17:01,229
- Please come
to the nurses' station.
- Excuse me.
473
00:17:07,652 --> 00:17:09,696
- Hello?
- You have to come back.
474
00:17:09,779 --> 00:17:11,698
- I told you
my father-in-law is...
- Yes, I know.
475
00:17:11,781 --> 00:17:14,701
So sad. But see,
you made me change everything.
476
00:17:14,784 --> 00:17:16,619
- Boise.
- I can see myself
in the toilet bowls.
477
00:17:16,703 --> 00:17:18,538
They're so clean. It's gorgeous.
478
00:17:18,621 --> 00:17:20,373
- Well, that's great.
- I bought the fruit
479
00:17:20,457 --> 00:17:23,001
and the umbrellas
and the tampon sticks.
480
00:17:23,084 --> 00:17:24,753
- The good ones?
- Yes, the good ones, Midge.
481
00:17:24,836 --> 00:17:26,004
The best ones.
482
00:17:26,087 --> 00:17:27,964
You demanded these changes,
and I did them,
483
00:17:28,047 --> 00:17:30,008
and then all these women
came to see you.
484
00:17:30,091 --> 00:17:31,259
And now you are not here,
485
00:17:31,342 --> 00:17:32,510
and they are very angry.
486
00:17:32,594 --> 00:17:34,471
- I'm sorry.
- I invented a drink.
487
00:17:34,554 --> 00:17:36,514
- Oh, yeah?
- It is pink and fizzy
488
00:17:36,598 --> 00:17:37,766
and you set it on fire.
489
00:17:37,849 --> 00:17:38,933
It's stunning.
490
00:17:39,017 --> 00:17:40,435
I've named it
"I Once Was a Man."
491
00:17:40,518 --> 00:17:42,604
I see we've developed
a flair for the dramatic.
492
00:17:42,687 --> 00:17:43,688
Please come back.
493
00:17:43,772 --> 00:17:45,398
Boise, I gave Bunny,
Mitzi and Gloria
494
00:17:45,482 --> 00:17:46,649
some really good jokes to do.
495
00:17:46,733 --> 00:17:47,859
How did that go?
496
00:17:47,942 --> 00:17:50,320
We got a new sign
to go on the door here.
497
00:17:50,403 --> 00:17:52,614
On one side, it says,
"We're open.
498
00:17:52,697 --> 00:17:54,449
Please come inside."
499
00:17:54,532 --> 00:17:57,494
And on the other side, it says,
"Sorry we're closed."
500
00:17:57,577 --> 00:17:58,787
I don't get it.
501
00:17:58,870 --> 00:18:00,330
I don't think
that's what it says.
502
00:18:00,413 --> 00:18:02,415
What it fucking says.
I'm looking at it right here.
503
00:18:02,499 --> 00:18:04,584
- "Sorry we're..."
- "Clothed."
504
00:18:04,667 --> 00:18:06,878
- [man laughing]
- It says,
"Sorry we're clothed."
505
00:18:06,961 --> 00:18:08,421
Like we have our clothes on.
506
00:18:08,505 --> 00:18:10,548
- [scattered laughter]
- Okay.
507
00:18:10,632 --> 00:18:14,177
And on the other side,
it says, "Sorry we're clothed."
508
00:18:14,260 --> 00:18:16,888
- I still don't get it.
- [drummer plays rim shot]
- [giggles]
509
00:18:16,971 --> 00:18:18,348
So, thanks for that
bit of casting.
510
00:18:18,431 --> 00:18:20,308
Look, Boise,
I promise I will get there
511
00:18:20,391 --> 00:18:21,726
as soon as I possibly can.
512
00:18:21,810 --> 00:18:23,311
Now, I have to go.
513
00:18:26,189 --> 00:18:28,024
[sighs]
514
00:18:29,150 --> 00:18:31,152
[quiet chatter]
515
00:18:33,321 --> 00:18:35,240
[jazzy intro plays]
516
00:18:35,323 --> 00:18:37,325
[♪ "Femininity"]
517
00:18:38,952 --> 00:18:40,954
♪ ♪
518
00:18:47,293 --> 00:18:49,712
- ♪ Femininity ♪
- [audience cheering]
519
00:18:49,796 --> 00:18:52,423
♪ Femininity ♪
520
00:18:52,507 --> 00:18:55,718
♪ Just seems to bring
a crowd to my vicinity ♪
521
00:18:55,802 --> 00:18:57,512
[audience whistling, whooping]
522
00:18:57,595 --> 00:19:01,850
♪ Other girls have the same
these, them and those ♪
523
00:19:01,933 --> 00:19:05,979
♪ But they always manage
to stay in their clothes ♪
524
00:19:06,062 --> 00:19:11,109
♪ Personality, my personality ♪
525
00:19:11,192 --> 00:19:14,696
♪ Just makes them all
expect my hospitality ♪
526
00:19:14,779 --> 00:19:16,364
[audience whistling, whooping]
527
00:19:16,447 --> 00:19:20,618
♪ When a man brings me home,
I ask him in ♪
528
00:19:20,702 --> 00:19:25,373
♪ I only intend to have
one little gin ♪
529
00:19:25,456 --> 00:19:30,628
♪ Why do I always end up
on the tiger skin? ♪
530
00:19:30,712 --> 00:19:35,133
♪ There are times
I can't help feeling ♪
531
00:19:35,216 --> 00:19:39,929
♪ As I'm staring
at the ceiling ♪
532
00:19:40,013 --> 00:19:42,640
♪ What's the point of ♪
533
00:19:42,724 --> 00:19:48,479
♪ Femininity? ♪♪
534
00:19:48,563 --> 00:19:50,523
[song ends]
535
00:19:50,607 --> 00:19:52,191
[audience cheering]
536
00:19:52,275 --> 00:19:54,277
[indistinct chatter]
537
00:19:56,154 --> 00:19:57,739
Oh, my God. You came back.
538
00:19:57,822 --> 00:19:58,907
You did come back, right?
539
00:19:58,990 --> 00:20:00,366
- One set, Boise.
- That's fine.
540
00:20:00,450 --> 00:20:01,951
One set, then I go back
to the hospital.
541
00:20:02,035 --> 00:20:03,494
Yes, great. Thank you. Hey.
542
00:20:03,578 --> 00:20:05,038
What do you think?
543
00:20:05,121 --> 00:20:06,122
Too many peonies, right?
544
00:20:06,205 --> 00:20:07,206
They're overwhelming
the bluebells?
545
00:20:07,290 --> 00:20:08,416
Take a break, Boise.
546
00:20:08,499 --> 00:20:09,959
Go punch something.
547
00:20:11,461 --> 00:20:14,297
[Bunny] Goddamn Boise.
Mitzi, never mind. She's back.
548
00:20:14,380 --> 00:20:16,424
[Mitzi] Oh, good.
Ask her which part is the setup
549
00:20:16,507 --> 00:20:17,967
and which part is
the joke again.
550
00:20:18,051 --> 00:20:20,178
Just so you know, everything
went fine without you.
551
00:20:20,261 --> 00:20:21,721
Glad to hear it.
552
00:20:23,139 --> 00:20:24,682
What are you supposed to be?
553
00:20:24,766 --> 00:20:25,892
You.
554
00:20:25,975 --> 00:20:27,727
Like looking in a mirror, huh?
555
00:20:27,810 --> 00:20:30,021
[applause]
556
00:20:30,104 --> 00:20:32,106
[cheering, whistling]
557
00:20:36,486 --> 00:20:37,737
Thank you.
558
00:20:37,820 --> 00:20:39,614
Wow.
559
00:20:39,697 --> 00:20:41,950
Such a great crowd.
560
00:20:42,033 --> 00:20:44,994
It's very nice
to be here, really.
561
00:20:45,078 --> 00:20:47,038
You have no idea.
562
00:20:48,081 --> 00:20:50,667
So I have a little
family drama going on.
563
00:20:50,750 --> 00:20:54,253
My ex-father-in-law
just had a heart attack.
564
00:20:54,337 --> 00:20:57,382
He's unconscious,
and they have no idea
565
00:20:57,465 --> 00:20:59,592
- if he's gonna make it or not.
- [man] Woo-hoo! [clapping]
566
00:20:59,676 --> 00:21:02,136
- Thank you.
- [sparse laughter]
567
00:21:02,220 --> 00:21:05,181
We have a fan of uncertain death
in the back there.
568
00:21:05,264 --> 00:21:06,599
- [laughter]
- That's nice.
569
00:21:06,683 --> 00:21:07,850
Good for you, sir.
570
00:21:07,934 --> 00:21:10,061
Enjoy your chess game
with the reaper.
571
00:21:10,144 --> 00:21:11,896
[laughter]
572
00:21:11,980 --> 00:21:14,023
So, anyhow,
for the last couple of days,
573
00:21:14,107 --> 00:21:16,109
I have been reduced
to playing the coffee lounge
574
00:21:16,192 --> 00:21:18,069
- at Beth Israel Hospital.
- [laughter]
575
00:21:18,152 --> 00:21:20,613
I'm going back there
as soon as I'm done here,
576
00:21:20,697 --> 00:21:23,282
and I'll spend the night
watching all the men in my life
577
00:21:23,366 --> 00:21:24,951
completely fall apart.
578
00:21:25,034 --> 00:21:26,619
- While eating Jell-O.
- [laughter]
579
00:21:26,703 --> 00:21:28,871
It's really startling, actually.
580
00:21:28,955 --> 00:21:31,249
Because we're always told,
"You're daddy's little girl."
581
00:21:31,332 --> 00:21:32,667
"Daddy will protect you."
582
00:21:32,750 --> 00:21:34,210
"Wait till your father
gets home."
583
00:21:34,293 --> 00:21:35,795
And then your father
walks into a hospital,
584
00:21:35,878 --> 00:21:37,213
and he turns into
a ten-year-old girl
585
00:21:37,296 --> 00:21:38,965
who just had a frog
put down her dress.
586
00:21:39,048 --> 00:21:41,259
- [laughter]
- Now, my father--
587
00:21:41,342 --> 00:21:44,762
intellectual, emotions kept
in a little bottle in storage--
588
00:21:44,846 --> 00:21:46,889
he hates hospitals.
589
00:21:46,973 --> 00:21:50,184
He hates the smell of hospitals,
the look of hospitals.
590
00:21:50,268 --> 00:21:52,270
[chuckles] When I had
my daughter, I had to hold her
591
00:21:52,353 --> 00:21:54,313
out the window as he walked
to work in the morning
592
00:21:54,397 --> 00:21:56,315
- just so he could see her.
- [laughter]
593
00:21:56,399 --> 00:21:58,317
And then there's my husband.
594
00:21:58,401 --> 00:22:02,613
Ex-husband, actually,
but we're still... something.
595
00:22:02,697 --> 00:22:05,241
Now, in all fairness,
I have seen him emotional.
596
00:22:05,324 --> 00:22:07,201
When the Brooklyn Dodgers
moved to...
597
00:22:07,285 --> 00:22:08,578
[whispers] California...
598
00:22:08,661 --> 00:22:10,538
[regular volume] he was
inconsolable.
599
00:22:10,621 --> 00:22:12,665
He sat in the dark,
eating chocolate,
600
00:22:12,749 --> 00:22:14,917
writing love letters
to Sandy Koufax.
601
00:22:15,001 --> 00:22:17,670
- [laughter]
- He'd try to put on
a brave face,
602
00:22:17,754 --> 00:22:20,048
and we'd walk past a hot dog
cart, and he'd fall to pieces,
603
00:22:20,131 --> 00:22:22,216
cradling the mustard container
in his arms,
604
00:22:22,300 --> 00:22:25,720
repeating the 1955 World Series
lineup over and over again.
605
00:22:25,803 --> 00:22:28,514
[laughter, applause]
606
00:22:28,598 --> 00:22:31,809
And then, of course,
there is my father-in-law.
607
00:22:31,893 --> 00:22:35,146
Tough, proud.
608
00:22:35,229 --> 00:22:38,357
And now my mother-in-law
is trimming his beard, so if...
609
00:22:40,860 --> 00:22:45,698
...when he wakes up,
he's ready to go to work.
610
00:22:48,910 --> 00:22:51,454
It's hard seeing
the men in your life scared.
611
00:22:52,789 --> 00:22:54,499
And with the men
out of commission,
612
00:22:54,582 --> 00:22:56,709
the women are left
to keep things going.
613
00:22:56,793 --> 00:22:58,753
Now, this is not
totally unusual, right?
614
00:22:58,836 --> 00:23:00,713
I mean, women could be
bleeding from the head,
615
00:23:00,797 --> 00:23:01,923
and they'd host a dinner party
616
00:23:02,006 --> 00:23:03,549
if the invitations
were already sent out.
617
00:23:03,633 --> 00:23:06,511
- [laughter]
- But we never think
about it like that.
618
00:23:06,594 --> 00:23:10,056
We just assume we're
supporting the real leaders.
619
00:23:11,182 --> 00:23:13,768
You look around this hospital,
you see the doctors.
620
00:23:13,851 --> 00:23:17,271
All men, swaggering in and out
of the rooms really fast.
621
00:23:17,355 --> 00:23:19,649
"I'm important.
I have a pen in my pocket.
622
00:23:19,732 --> 00:23:21,109
I look at a chart.
Hmm, good chart.
623
00:23:21,192 --> 00:23:22,443
I sign the chart.
624
00:23:22,527 --> 00:23:24,028
I am God,
and God can't hang around.
625
00:23:24,112 --> 00:23:25,947
God has to be in
the gallbladder wing in five."
626
00:23:26,030 --> 00:23:28,199
[laughter]
627
00:23:28,282 --> 00:23:29,909
But spend a few days
in the hospital,
628
00:23:29,992 --> 00:23:32,829
and you start
to notice the nurses.
629
00:23:34,580 --> 00:23:36,791
The nurses never rush
out of your room.
630
00:23:37,959 --> 00:23:42,088
They just clean out
the bedpans, draw the blood,
631
00:23:42,171 --> 00:23:44,298
insert the suppositories.
632
00:23:45,508 --> 00:23:47,760
They don't get to sign a chart.
They don't even get a pen.
633
00:23:47,844 --> 00:23:49,971
But they hold you while you cry.
634
00:23:53,224 --> 00:23:54,684
So, what does this mean?
635
00:23:56,018 --> 00:23:58,771
Are women
more important than God?
636
00:23:58,855 --> 00:24:00,064
Hmm.
637
00:24:01,232 --> 00:24:02,817
What if we discover one day
638
00:24:02,900 --> 00:24:05,111
that we were always
the ones in charge?
639
00:24:06,279 --> 00:24:08,614
Just, no one told us.
640
00:24:11,826 --> 00:24:13,786
I don't know.
I don't know what I'm saying.
641
00:24:13,870 --> 00:24:16,205
I just...
642
00:24:16,289 --> 00:24:18,624
don't want this man to die.
643
00:24:25,798 --> 00:24:27,884
Now, let's see
some tits and ass!
644
00:24:27,967 --> 00:24:30,803
[audience cheering, whistling]
645
00:24:31,846 --> 00:24:33,848
[jazzy music plays]
646
00:24:36,017 --> 00:24:37,935
Midge, you got
a stage-door Johnny waiting.
647
00:24:38,019 --> 00:24:39,896
What? Where?
648
00:24:41,981 --> 00:24:43,608
Well, this is a surprise.
649
00:24:43,691 --> 00:24:45,776
I was in the neighborhood,
thought I'd stop in.
650
00:24:45,860 --> 00:24:47,695
I heard about the coffee here.
651
00:24:47,778 --> 00:24:50,031
[sighs] Well, nice to see you.
652
00:24:50,114 --> 00:24:51,324
- Wait, just...
- Hey, Lenny.
653
00:24:51,407 --> 00:24:53,409
- Hello.
- Hiya, Lenny.
654
00:24:53,492 --> 00:24:55,244
Nice tie, Leonard.
655
00:24:55,328 --> 00:24:56,913
I know them from Hebrew school.
656
00:24:56,996 --> 00:24:58,331
I really do have to get going.
657
00:24:58,414 --> 00:25:00,833
I saw your show.
It's great stuff.
658
00:25:00,917 --> 00:25:02,835
You made three
construction workers cry.
659
00:25:02,919 --> 00:25:04,086
Thank you.
660
00:25:04,170 --> 00:25:05,880
- You're still mad at me.
- No, I'm not.
661
00:25:05,963 --> 00:25:07,548
I was a complete ass.
662
00:25:07,632 --> 00:25:08,883
I'm very sorry.
663
00:25:08,966 --> 00:25:10,468
I have forgotten all about it.
664
00:25:10,551 --> 00:25:12,678
- You still sound mad.
- Lenny, please.
665
00:25:12,762 --> 00:25:14,096
Midge, you have to forgive me.
666
00:25:14,180 --> 00:25:15,890
There's a performance
of Haydn's "Trumpet Concerto"
667
00:25:15,973 --> 00:25:17,308
with original period instruments
668
00:25:17,391 --> 00:25:18,935
that my buddies
are dying to go to,
669
00:25:19,018 --> 00:25:21,020
but I forced them to come here
just so I could grovel.
670
00:25:21,103 --> 00:25:22,563
They may never speak
to me again.
671
00:25:22,647 --> 00:25:24,565
I saw that concert.
They're not missing much.
672
00:25:24,649 --> 00:25:27,235
Please.
673
00:25:31,739 --> 00:25:34,784
So, Carnegie Hall.
674
00:25:34,867 --> 00:25:36,369
Yes.
675
00:25:36,452 --> 00:25:37,703
Someday soon.
676
00:25:37,787 --> 00:25:39,956
I'd find out exactly which day,
if I were you.
677
00:25:40,039 --> 00:25:41,290
Good advice.
678
00:25:41,374 --> 00:25:42,959
Lenny, bar.
679
00:25:43,042 --> 00:25:45,503
[indistinct chatter]
680
00:25:45,586 --> 00:25:47,713
It's very exciting.
681
00:25:47,797 --> 00:25:50,299
These are very classy people,
these Carnegie people.
682
00:25:50,383 --> 00:25:52,551
They put me up
in a swanky hotel room.
683
00:25:52,635 --> 00:25:54,845
They even offered to paint
the room my favorite color.
684
00:25:54,929 --> 00:25:56,806
- What's your favorite color?
- I said blue.
685
00:25:56,889 --> 00:25:58,224
- Is it blue?
- Who knows?
686
00:25:58,307 --> 00:25:59,517
Well, you.
687
00:25:59,600 --> 00:26:02,103
Okay, you're ignoring
the lede here.
688
00:26:02,186 --> 00:26:05,189
The people from Carnegie Hall
painted a hotel room--
689
00:26:05,273 --> 00:26:08,401
a room I'm going to be in for a
total of four days, tops-- blue.
690
00:26:08,484 --> 00:26:10,278
For me. Me.
691
00:26:10,361 --> 00:26:12,280
The greatest threat
to American decency
692
00:26:12,363 --> 00:26:14,115
since Mantovani records.
693
00:26:14,198 --> 00:26:16,659
I am suddenly important enough
for redecorating.
694
00:26:16,742 --> 00:26:18,119
Please be impressed.
695
00:26:18,202 --> 00:26:20,162
- I am impressed.
- Good.
696
00:26:20,246 --> 00:26:21,998
Which brings me to
my next reason for being here.
697
00:26:22,081 --> 00:26:25,167
- Hmm?
- I got a call from
Tony Bennett's people.
698
00:26:25,251 --> 00:26:27,044
He's doing five sold-out nights
at the Copa,
699
00:26:27,128 --> 00:26:28,713
and they wanted me
to open for him,
700
00:26:28,796 --> 00:26:30,339
which is a dream gig because,
701
00:26:30,423 --> 00:26:33,009
in addition to him being one
of the nicest men in the world,
702
00:26:33,092 --> 00:26:36,095
his craft service table
is not to be believed.
703
00:26:36,178 --> 00:26:38,681
Now, obviously, I can't do it
since I'm playing Carnegie Hall.
704
00:26:38,764 --> 00:26:40,349
I hear they painted
your hotel room blue.
705
00:26:40,433 --> 00:26:41,600
So I talked you up.
706
00:26:41,684 --> 00:26:44,061
Told them you do
swell heart attack humor,
707
00:26:44,145 --> 00:26:45,521
- and they are very, very...
- [clattering]
708
00:26:45,604 --> 00:26:47,481
- What's that?
- [woman screams in distance]
709
00:26:47,565 --> 00:26:50,192
- [indistinct shouting]
- Hey. What's going on?
710
00:26:51,402 --> 00:26:52,862
[Lenny] Uh-oh.
711
00:26:52,945 --> 00:26:54,488
[Midge] What "uh-oh"?
What's "uh-oh"?
712
00:26:54,572 --> 00:26:56,073
[Lenny] I believe...
713
00:26:56,157 --> 00:26:57,616
[clamoring]
714
00:26:57,700 --> 00:27:00,161
- Get up!
- You ain't going nowhere.
715
00:27:00,244 --> 00:27:02,079
Come on, you're coming with me.
716
00:27:02,163 --> 00:27:04,623
[clamoring continues]
717
00:27:04,707 --> 00:27:06,917
- Yep. You're being raided.
- I am?
718
00:27:07,001 --> 00:27:09,045
- We got to move.
- [Boise] Cops!
- Oh, my God.
719
00:27:09,128 --> 00:27:10,796
- Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
- Everyone, out!
720
00:27:10,880 --> 00:27:12,757
Dallas, Sunshine, Bubbles, go!
721
00:27:12,840 --> 00:27:13,966
[screaming, clamoring]
722
00:27:14,050 --> 00:27:15,384
I got the books!
723
00:27:15,468 --> 00:27:17,636
- Both sets?
- Yep!
724
00:27:17,720 --> 00:27:19,555
[Midge] Wait, wait.
725
00:27:19,638 --> 00:27:21,432
Oh!
726
00:27:21,515 --> 00:27:23,893
- [screaming]
- Let's get out of here.
727
00:27:23,976 --> 00:27:26,020
[Boise] Bunny, Mitzi,
you got to move!
728
00:27:26,103 --> 00:27:28,105
You know, I'm getting
a little tired of everyone
729
00:27:28,189 --> 00:27:31,525
telling me what to do,
where to go, what a joke is.
730
00:27:31,609 --> 00:27:33,569
[Mitzi] Oh, crap!
I lost an earring.
731
00:27:33,652 --> 00:27:34,737
We're being raided!
732
00:27:34,820 --> 00:27:36,572
What am I gonna do
with one earring?!
733
00:27:36,655 --> 00:27:38,115
Two ears! I got two ears!
734
00:27:38,199 --> 00:27:40,785
- Stay down! Come on, come on.
- [Mitzi groans]
735
00:27:40,868 --> 00:27:42,995
- [frantic chatter]
- [woman] Forget the feathers!
Just grab the pearls!
736
00:27:43,079 --> 00:27:44,830
- [Lenny] Midge!
- I can't find my things.
737
00:27:44,914 --> 00:27:46,749
Buy more things. Let's go.
738
00:27:46,832 --> 00:27:48,834
[frantic chatter continues]
739
00:27:51,712 --> 00:27:53,714
- Come with us.
- Nope.
740
00:27:53,798 --> 00:27:55,883
I'm fiddling on
the Titanic tonight. Go.
741
00:27:55,966 --> 00:27:59,095
[woman] Hurry, hurry. Damn.
Go, go, go, go, go! Hurry!
742
00:27:59,178 --> 00:28:01,055
- [shuddering]
- [muttering]
- [sirens wailing in distance]
743
00:28:01,138 --> 00:28:03,599
[Midge] My shoes, my feet.
It's cold.
744
00:28:03,682 --> 00:28:05,851
[Lenny] You'd be terrible to go
on the lam with, by the way.
745
00:28:05,935 --> 00:28:07,770
- Can't you carry me?
- Carry you?
746
00:28:07,853 --> 00:28:09,397
Yeah, you know,
throw me over your shoulder.
747
00:28:09,480 --> 00:28:11,273
Who am I, Santa Claus?
You're a young, strong woman.
748
00:28:11,357 --> 00:28:12,441
Here.
749
00:28:12,525 --> 00:28:13,984
- What do I do with this?
- [siren wailing]
750
00:28:14,068 --> 00:28:16,112
Fill me in on what's going on
with Castro and the rebels.
751
00:28:16,195 --> 00:28:17,905
- Put it on your head.
- Where are you going?
752
00:28:17,988 --> 00:28:19,240
I have to get you to shelter.
753
00:28:19,323 --> 00:28:20,616
Aren't you gonna pay
for the papers?
754
00:28:20,699 --> 00:28:22,159
- It's a snowstorm.
- So what?
755
00:28:22,243 --> 00:28:23,953
- The man has to make a living.
- How do you know?
756
00:28:24,036 --> 00:28:25,037
The newsstand could be a hobby.
757
00:28:25,121 --> 00:28:26,705
If I had my purse, I'd pay.
758
00:28:26,789 --> 00:28:29,208
- If I had your purse, I'd pay.
- Wh-What if there's a hell?
759
00:28:29,291 --> 00:28:31,502
- Oh, I don't believe this.
- What if the rabbis are wrong
760
00:28:31,585 --> 00:28:34,171
and there is a hell and this is
the moment our fate is decided?
761
00:28:34,255 --> 00:28:36,590
Believe me, honey, if there's
a hell, I'm the headliner.
762
00:28:36,674 --> 00:28:38,300
Where are we going?
763
00:28:38,384 --> 00:28:40,302
[wind howling]
764
00:28:40,386 --> 00:28:42,388
♪ ♪
765
00:28:45,641 --> 00:28:48,477
[elegant piano music playing]
766
00:28:48,561 --> 00:28:50,521
[both breathing heavily]
767
00:28:50,604 --> 00:28:52,106
How you doing? You okay?
768
00:28:52,189 --> 00:28:53,732
Ten minutes in the elements.
769
00:28:53,816 --> 00:28:55,985
Do you need me to call
a hairdresser or a priest?
770
00:28:56,068 --> 00:28:57,361
I'm fine.
771
00:28:57,445 --> 00:28:59,655
- This place is nice.
- Carnegie Hall.
772
00:28:59,738 --> 00:29:01,574
Ooh, they're having
a hat sale at B. Altman's.
773
00:29:01,657 --> 00:29:03,200
If only I still had
my employee discount,
774
00:29:03,284 --> 00:29:04,577
I'd get a discount
on a discount.
775
00:29:04,660 --> 00:29:06,787
- Give me that.
- [groaning]
776
00:29:06,871 --> 00:29:08,747
Good evening, Mr. Bruce.
Rough weather out there.
777
00:29:08,831 --> 00:29:10,040
It is indeed.
778
00:29:10,124 --> 00:29:11,709
You hear that? "Mr. Bruce."
779
00:29:11,792 --> 00:29:14,128
You play Carnegie Hall,
you get "Mr. Bruce."
780
00:29:14,211 --> 00:29:15,921
- Good evening, Mr. Bruce.
- [taps button]
781
00:29:16,005 --> 00:29:17,840
[bell dings]
782
00:29:20,301 --> 00:29:23,095
- [inhales sharply] Whew.
- After you.
783
00:29:23,179 --> 00:29:26,182
- Ah.
- Well, what do you think?
784
00:29:26,265 --> 00:29:28,225
Very nice, Mr. Bruce.
785
00:29:28,309 --> 00:29:30,144
Carnegie Hall.
786
00:29:30,227 --> 00:29:33,314
So, drink? Food?
Something absorbent?
787
00:29:33,397 --> 00:29:35,399
- Towel, please.
- [snaps fingers]
788
00:29:35,483 --> 00:29:37,526
Oh, I'm so sorry, girls.
789
00:29:37,610 --> 00:29:40,154
Wasn't supposed
to end like this.
790
00:29:40,237 --> 00:29:41,489
Are you talking to your shoes?
791
00:29:41,572 --> 00:29:43,157
No. Shh.
792
00:29:43,240 --> 00:29:45,409
- [shoes drop to floor]
- That's okay.
793
00:29:45,493 --> 00:29:47,786
I'm gonna have a very serious
talk later with my dickie.
794
00:29:47,870 --> 00:29:51,123
- Dickie? Like...
- Yes.
795
00:29:51,207 --> 00:29:52,625
- Not...
- No.
796
00:29:52,708 --> 00:29:54,376
- Nice.
- It was the funniest garment
797
00:29:54,460 --> 00:29:56,462
I could come up with
in the moment.
798
00:30:04,595 --> 00:30:06,138
Keeping a safe distance?
799
00:30:06,222 --> 00:30:08,557
Respectful distance,
I'd like to say.
800
00:30:08,641 --> 00:30:10,809
Are you afraid of me
'cause I talk to my shoes?
801
00:30:10,893 --> 00:30:12,895
Some men find that
wildly attractive.
802
00:30:12,978 --> 00:30:14,522
I think there are
many things about you
803
00:30:14,605 --> 00:30:17,399
men would find
wildly attractive.
804
00:30:24,073 --> 00:30:25,866
You know you can sit
on the entire chair.
805
00:30:25,950 --> 00:30:27,493
I'm fine.
806
00:30:28,619 --> 00:30:30,162
You look like
one of the Wallendas,
807
00:30:30,246 --> 00:30:31,747
balancing there like that.
808
00:30:31,830 --> 00:30:33,832
It...
809
00:30:33,916 --> 00:30:36,377
I'm wearing... I'm good.
810
00:30:36,460 --> 00:30:37,795
Your what?
811
00:30:37,878 --> 00:30:39,588
What are you wearing?
812
00:30:40,631 --> 00:30:42,299
My show corset.
813
00:30:42,383 --> 00:30:44,009
[laughs]
814
00:30:44,093 --> 00:30:46,637
- You have a show corset?
- Yes.
815
00:30:46,720 --> 00:30:50,432
How is this different from,
say, your dentist corset?
816
00:30:50,516 --> 00:30:52,768
It's much more likely
to suffocate me.
817
00:30:52,851 --> 00:30:54,311
- It's also prettier.
- Yep.
818
00:30:54,395 --> 00:30:57,314
It's always the pretty ones
who try to kill you.
819
00:31:07,074 --> 00:31:08,784
Oh, boy.
820
00:31:08,867 --> 00:31:12,538
- What? I did not plan this.
- Getting me back here?
821
00:31:12,621 --> 00:31:14,999
Innocent. Get Roy Cohn
on the phone right now.
822
00:31:15,082 --> 00:31:17,376
You mean you didn't
alter the atmosphere,
823
00:31:17,459 --> 00:31:19,086
causing it to snow,
and then organize a raid
824
00:31:19,169 --> 00:31:20,754
at the exact moment
I came offstage?
825
00:31:20,838 --> 00:31:22,089
What, I'm not important enough
826
00:31:22,172 --> 00:31:24,174
to go through
all that trouble for?
827
00:31:25,467 --> 00:31:29,722
You are more important than God.
828
00:31:30,764 --> 00:31:32,182
You paid attention.
829
00:31:34,685 --> 00:31:36,478
To you?
830
00:31:36,562 --> 00:31:38,063
Always.
831
00:31:45,195 --> 00:31:47,031
Midge?
832
00:31:47,114 --> 00:31:48,365
Yeah?
833
00:31:49,366 --> 00:31:52,077
I got to see the show corset.
834
00:31:52,161 --> 00:31:53,912
- Lenny.
- I'm sorry.
835
00:31:53,996 --> 00:31:55,664
I'm an observer
of the human condition.
836
00:31:55,748 --> 00:31:57,583
It's the way God made me.
837
00:32:11,305 --> 00:32:12,598
Okay.
838
00:32:12,681 --> 00:32:13,807
If we do this...
839
00:32:13,891 --> 00:32:15,100
Oops.
840
00:32:15,184 --> 00:32:17,102
If we take our clothes off
841
00:32:17,186 --> 00:32:21,649
and we do some very blue things
in this very blue room...
842
00:32:21,732 --> 00:32:24,109
Wow, do I not know
which way this is going.
843
00:32:24,193 --> 00:32:26,779
I need you to look me
in the eye first and promise
844
00:32:26,862 --> 00:32:30,366
that you will never, ever forget
845
00:32:30,449 --> 00:32:34,453
that I am very, very funny.
846
00:32:36,163 --> 00:32:37,706
First and foremost.
847
00:32:37,790 --> 00:32:39,750
I'm serious, Lenny.
848
00:32:55,474 --> 00:32:59,061
I will be laughing
through the entire thing.
849
00:32:59,144 --> 00:33:01,063
I promise.
850
00:33:02,106 --> 00:33:05,818
[♪ Blossom Dearie:
"Someone to Watch Over Me"]
851
00:33:05,901 --> 00:33:09,196
♪ There's a saying old,
says that love is blind ♪
852
00:33:10,989 --> 00:33:15,077
♪ Still we're often told,
"Seek and ye shall find" ♪
853
00:33:17,079 --> 00:33:19,498
♪ So I'm going to seek
a certain lad ♪
854
00:33:19,581 --> 00:33:23,252
♪ I've had in mind ♪
855
00:33:25,921 --> 00:33:27,673
Yep.
856
00:33:29,007 --> 00:33:30,843
Just like mine.
857
00:33:30,926 --> 00:33:34,096
♪ I'd like to add his initial ♪
858
00:33:34,179 --> 00:33:36,974
♪ To my monogram ♪
859
00:33:40,769 --> 00:33:42,730
♪ Tell me ♪
860
00:33:44,064 --> 00:33:47,317
♪ Where is the shepherd ♪
861
00:33:47,401 --> 00:33:50,946
♪ For this lost lamb? ♪
862
00:33:51,029 --> 00:33:52,406
I lied.
863
00:33:52,489 --> 00:33:54,700
I'm only gonna laugh at the end.
864
00:33:57,327 --> 00:34:01,457
♪ There's a somebody ♪
865
00:34:01,540 --> 00:34:04,710
♪ I'm longing to see ♪
866
00:34:06,837 --> 00:34:09,423
♪ I hope that he ♪
867
00:34:09,506 --> 00:34:11,759
- [Lenny] Nope.
- ♪ Turns out to be ♪
868
00:34:11,842 --> 00:34:13,844
I'll be right back.
869
00:34:16,013 --> 00:34:20,893
♪ Someone to watch ♪
870
00:34:20,976 --> 00:34:23,854
♪ Over me ♪
871
00:34:31,695 --> 00:34:32,863
[light buzzing]
872
00:34:32,946 --> 00:34:36,575
♪ I'm a little lamb ♪
873
00:34:36,658 --> 00:34:39,578
♪ Who's lost in the wood ♪
874
00:34:41,914 --> 00:34:44,625
♪ I know I could ♪
875
00:34:44,708 --> 00:34:47,211
- [phone ringing]
- ♪ Always be good ♪
876
00:34:47,294 --> 00:34:49,004
[Lenny] Hello?
877
00:34:49,087 --> 00:34:51,006
[phone conversation
continues indistinctly]
878
00:34:51,089 --> 00:34:55,010
♪ To one who'd watch ♪
879
00:34:55,093 --> 00:34:56,970
♪ Over me...
880
00:34:57,054 --> 00:34:58,597
[Lenny] Goodbye.
881
00:34:58,680 --> 00:35:01,475
So, apparently,
being Mr. Bruce means
882
00:35:01,558 --> 00:35:03,101
you're the one
who has to bail out
883
00:35:03,185 --> 00:35:04,728
the slow runners after a raid.
884
00:35:04,812 --> 00:35:06,605
So I was thinking...
885
00:35:06,688 --> 00:35:08,941
That is not for you.
886
00:35:09,024 --> 00:35:10,734
Lenny, what...
887
00:35:10,818 --> 00:35:12,778
You don't need
to worry about that.
888
00:35:12,861 --> 00:35:13,987
But...
889
00:35:14,071 --> 00:35:15,405
All is well.
890
00:35:15,489 --> 00:35:16,865
I promise.
891
00:35:16,949 --> 00:35:18,325
Now, get dressed.
892
00:35:18,408 --> 00:35:20,327
We'll go spring the riffraff,
and then I'll take you
893
00:35:20,410 --> 00:35:22,746
for some truly terrible
Chinese food, okay?
894
00:35:24,289 --> 00:35:27,709
♪ Someone ♪
895
00:35:27,793 --> 00:35:29,962
♪ To watch ♪
896
00:35:30,045 --> 00:35:33,924
♪ Over me ♪♪
897
00:35:40,180 --> 00:35:42,391
[song ends]
898
00:35:42,474 --> 00:35:44,101
- Abe! Abe!
- Hmm?
899
00:35:44,184 --> 00:35:45,644
I didn't know
you were still here.
900
00:35:45,727 --> 00:35:47,771
Someone called a while ago,
said you needed to get
901
00:35:47,855 --> 00:35:49,857
- to the hospital immediately.
- What? Who?
902
00:35:49,940 --> 00:35:51,859
- I don't know. I...
- He's dead. Is he dead?
903
00:35:51,942 --> 00:35:53,443
- Oh, my God.
- I don't know.
904
00:35:53,527 --> 00:35:55,487
They just said to hurry.
905
00:35:55,571 --> 00:35:57,656
I will bite
your fingers off, Isobel.
906
00:35:57,739 --> 00:35:59,324
It's not Isobel, Dody.
907
00:35:59,408 --> 00:36:00,868
- It's Abe.
- Abe?
908
00:36:00,951 --> 00:36:02,953
- What time is it?
- It's very late.
909
00:36:03,036 --> 00:36:04,746
I have to get to the hospital.
910
00:36:04,830 --> 00:36:06,832
You should go home.
911
00:36:06,915 --> 00:36:08,333
Thank you for your help.
912
00:36:08,417 --> 00:36:10,460
You are a true Sancho Panza.
913
00:36:12,462 --> 00:36:14,756
[woman over P.A.] Phone call
for Dr. O'Connell.
914
00:36:14,840 --> 00:36:18,427
Dr. O'Connell, you have a phone
call at the nurses' station.
915
00:36:18,510 --> 00:36:20,012
I...
916
00:36:21,179 --> 00:36:23,056
What kept you?
917
00:36:23,140 --> 00:36:24,766
I... But you're alive.
918
00:36:24,850 --> 00:36:26,101
I am. Yes.
919
00:36:26,184 --> 00:36:27,436
You're not dead.
920
00:36:27,519 --> 00:36:29,605
No, I'm not.
921
00:36:29,688 --> 00:36:32,399
I just... The call...
I figured...
922
00:36:32,482 --> 00:36:33,734
You hoping
for a different outcome?
923
00:36:33,817 --> 00:36:36,028
No. I'm fine with it, obviously.
924
00:36:36,111 --> 00:36:37,362
I tried to call you.
925
00:36:37,446 --> 00:36:39,781
Some disgruntled employee
rushed me off the phone.
926
00:36:39,865 --> 00:36:43,327
Oh. Well, that's...
terrific, really.
927
00:36:43,410 --> 00:36:46,079
[chuckles] Just surprised.
928
00:36:46,163 --> 00:36:48,081
Who's this? Do I know her?
929
00:36:48,165 --> 00:36:49,374
[Shirley] Oh, this is Mei.
930
00:36:49,458 --> 00:36:50,792
It's so wonderful.
931
00:36:50,876 --> 00:36:53,337
Do you know that now hospitals
hire mah-jongg players
932
00:36:53,420 --> 00:36:55,422
to distract you
from impending death?
933
00:36:55,505 --> 00:36:56,465
- [Abe] Really?
- What?
934
00:36:56,548 --> 00:36:57,716
- She asked. I froze.
- Ah, geez.
935
00:36:57,799 --> 00:36:59,259
She tipped me, though,
so I can pay you back.
936
00:36:59,343 --> 00:37:00,260
That's nice.
937
00:37:00,344 --> 00:37:01,303
What's that, Abe?
938
00:37:01,386 --> 00:37:02,679
- What?
- In your hand.
939
00:37:02,763 --> 00:37:04,389
Oh, it's nothing.
940
00:37:04,473 --> 00:37:05,766
You're holding it very tightly.
941
00:37:05,849 --> 00:37:07,351
It's just, uh...
942
00:37:07,434 --> 00:37:09,311
It says "Moishe's obituary."
943
00:37:09,394 --> 00:37:11,438
- You wrote my obituary?
- No.
944
00:37:11,521 --> 00:37:13,899
You wrote something and
titled it "Moishe's Obituary"?
945
00:37:13,982 --> 00:37:15,108
[Abe sighs] I...
946
00:37:15,192 --> 00:37:16,944
You couldn't get the guy
who wrote Einstein's?
947
00:37:17,027 --> 00:37:18,862
[Abe] No. I just...
948
00:37:18,946 --> 00:37:21,281
Yes. I wrote something.
949
00:37:21,365 --> 00:37:23,659
Well, what were you going to do
rushing in here like that?
950
00:37:23,742 --> 00:37:26,036
- I think I was
going to read it.
- To me?
951
00:37:26,119 --> 00:37:27,454
- Yes.
- While I was unconscious?
952
00:37:27,537 --> 00:37:28,789
Or dead. Yes.
953
00:37:28,872 --> 00:37:31,041
- I'd like to hear it.
- What? No.
954
00:37:31,124 --> 00:37:32,501
- I'm a little curious, too.
- Same here.
955
00:37:32,584 --> 00:37:33,669
You work for the hospital.
956
00:37:33,752 --> 00:37:35,045
- You don't get a vote.
- [Moishe] Abe.
957
00:37:35,128 --> 00:37:37,839
Well, it-it was
just a first draft,
958
00:37:37,923 --> 00:37:40,926
so I hadn't finished it, but...
959
00:37:42,344 --> 00:37:46,223
I just talked about your father
and the pickle cart.
960
00:37:46,306 --> 00:37:47,849
We all know that story.
961
00:37:47,933 --> 00:37:49,142
So, uh...
962
00:37:49,226 --> 00:37:52,145
You started a clothing
manufacturing business.
963
00:37:52,229 --> 00:37:53,897
There was no Roth.
964
00:37:53,981 --> 00:37:55,899
It was all you.
Gave you full credit.
965
00:37:55,983 --> 00:37:57,526
- Thank you.
- [Abe] Oh. Uh,
966
00:37:57,609 --> 00:38:00,696
Moishe brought over
the 13 Jews, saved them.
967
00:38:00,779 --> 00:38:03,699
Very nice paragraph about that.
968
00:38:03,782 --> 00:38:06,743
Good... good placement.
And, uh...
969
00:38:06,827 --> 00:38:09,705
Oh, I found a typo.
970
00:38:09,788 --> 00:38:12,082
I just found another.
Who has a pen?
971
00:38:12,165 --> 00:38:13,583
No one's grading you, Abe.
972
00:38:13,667 --> 00:38:15,377
Yes, well... Okay.
973
00:38:15,460 --> 00:38:19,089
Uh, well, after the 13 Jews,
I-I do a long run
974
00:38:19,172 --> 00:38:21,299
about whether or not God exists.
975
00:38:21,383 --> 00:38:23,093
- He does.
- Well, that's been the debate.
976
00:38:23,176 --> 00:38:24,261
There's no debate. He does.
977
00:38:24,344 --> 00:38:25,971
Okay, I know you feel
like that, but...
978
00:38:26,054 --> 00:38:27,639
Abe, I'm lying
in a hospital bed.
979
00:38:27,723 --> 00:38:28,890
Give me this.
980
00:38:30,642 --> 00:38:32,769
God exists.
981
00:38:32,853 --> 00:38:35,480
For now. And then...
982
00:38:35,564 --> 00:38:40,193
and then I talk about
how you took us in
983
00:38:40,277 --> 00:38:44,072
when we... had nowhere to go.
984
00:38:44,156 --> 00:38:49,786
And... you did not have to,
but you did, and...
985
00:38:49,870 --> 00:38:53,165
you asked us for nothing.
986
00:38:54,833 --> 00:38:59,713
[crying] You made sure
our daughter was taken care of
987
00:38:59,796 --> 00:39:03,467
even though she was not married
to your son anymore.
988
00:39:05,052 --> 00:39:07,220
You...
989
00:39:07,304 --> 00:39:09,806
were a very good man.
990
00:39:11,266 --> 00:39:13,351
And I...
991
00:39:13,435 --> 00:39:15,312
I miss you very much.
992
00:39:19,232 --> 00:39:21,109
But you're not dead, so...
993
00:39:24,613 --> 00:39:27,115
[Shirley] Well,
that was very nice, Abe.
994
00:39:27,199 --> 00:39:29,576
I'm gonna get some ice cream.
Who wants ice cream?
995
00:39:29,659 --> 00:39:31,661
- [Joel] Ice cream sounds good.
- [Rose] Well, I'm going
to get some coffee.
996
00:39:31,745 --> 00:39:33,872
- [Mei] I don't want ice cream.
- [Joel] Just get some
ice cream. Trust me.
997
00:39:33,955 --> 00:39:35,916
- [Mei] Ice cream sounds great.
- [Shirley] You think
the machine will take a 20?
998
00:39:35,999 --> 00:39:37,709
- [Joel] I doubt it.
- [Mei] I have some change.
999
00:39:37,793 --> 00:39:39,503
[Shirley] Since when?
You told me you were broke.
1000
00:39:39,586 --> 00:39:42,214
- [Joel] Ma.
- [Rose] Why don't you let me?
- [Shirley groaning]
1001
00:39:42,297 --> 00:39:43,840
This is the darndest thing.
1002
00:39:43,924 --> 00:39:46,218
I have absolutely no record
of this phone number.
1003
00:39:46,301 --> 00:39:47,761
I have no record of this phone.
1004
00:39:47,844 --> 00:39:49,387
I don't even recognize
this model.
1005
00:39:49,471 --> 00:39:52,015
- Where did you get it again?
- It was here when we got here.
1006
00:39:52,099 --> 00:39:53,683
It's the darndest thing.
1007
00:39:53,767 --> 00:39:55,602
The guy from Bon Soir says
Alfie has to do
1008
00:39:55,685 --> 00:39:57,270
two free shows
before they commit.
1009
00:39:57,354 --> 00:39:58,647
Are you kidding me?
1010
00:39:58,730 --> 00:40:00,524
Yeah, even I knew
that was a big fuck-you.
1011
00:40:00,607 --> 00:40:02,609
Excuse my French.
The phone company called.
1012
00:40:02,692 --> 00:40:04,653
They can come out
next Tuesday at 10:00.
1013
00:40:04,736 --> 00:40:06,446
The phone company is here.
1014
00:40:06,530 --> 00:40:08,949
- Oh. Is the electric
company there?
- No.
1015
00:40:09,032 --> 00:40:11,451
The electric company can
come out next Tuesday at 10:00.
1016
00:40:11,535 --> 00:40:13,328
- And Marvin Nicholson called...
- [phone ringing]
1017
00:40:13,411 --> 00:40:15,205
Ooh, phone. Hold on.
1018
00:40:15,288 --> 00:40:16,540
Jesus, Frank.
1019
00:40:16,623 --> 00:40:18,166
You leave any garlic
for the rest of the world?
1020
00:40:18,250 --> 00:40:19,751
Garlic's good for you.
Makes you strong.
1021
00:40:19,835 --> 00:40:22,129
You'll be able to beat up
all the other managers.
1022
00:40:22,212 --> 00:40:23,713
Moishe is out of the woods.
1023
00:40:23,797 --> 00:40:24,881
- [Frank] Hey.
- Who?
1024
00:40:24,965 --> 00:40:26,800
My ex-father-in-law.
He is awake.
1025
00:40:26,883 --> 00:40:28,718
Hey, show some enthusiasm.
1026
00:40:28,802 --> 00:40:30,387
Why? It's your ex-father-in-law.
1027
00:40:30,470 --> 00:40:32,013
I don't give a shit about
your first-grade teacher,
1028
00:40:32,097 --> 00:40:33,348
your pediatrician
or the first guy
1029
00:40:33,431 --> 00:40:35,350
who felt you up,
either, by the way.
1030
00:40:35,433 --> 00:40:37,686
Susie! Hey, I got a weird one.
1031
00:40:37,769 --> 00:40:40,438
Yeah, that is not a sentence you
just yell out in public, Maggie.
1032
00:40:40,522 --> 00:40:41,857
Just for future reference.
1033
00:40:41,940 --> 00:40:44,025
Some guy says he works
for Tony Bennett, and he wants
1034
00:40:44,109 --> 00:40:45,902
to talk to you about booking
one of your clients.
1035
00:40:45,986 --> 00:40:47,946
[Susie] Really? Tony Bennett?
1036
00:40:48,029 --> 00:40:49,531
Well, send it on over.
1037
00:40:49,614 --> 00:40:51,616
Tony Bennett. You hear that?
1038
00:40:51,700 --> 00:40:54,411
- Tony Bennett's calling me.
- Well, his guy is.
1039
00:40:54,494 --> 00:40:56,830
Well, his guy is,
but his guy is calling me
1040
00:40:56,913 --> 00:40:59,291
- because Tony Bennett
told him to, so...
- Susie.
1041
00:41:01,042 --> 00:41:03,211
- Hold on, Maggie.
- [Maggie] Okay.
1042
00:41:03,295 --> 00:41:05,213
I was having a great day
for a minute there.
1043
00:41:05,297 --> 00:41:07,257
Lenny put my name in
to open for Tony Bennett
1044
00:41:07,340 --> 00:41:08,884
at the Copa this week.
1045
00:41:08,967 --> 00:41:10,260
The Copa?
1046
00:41:10,343 --> 00:41:11,678
The sold-out run at the Copa?
1047
00:41:11,761 --> 00:41:13,763
This... this sold-out run
at the Copa?
1048
00:41:13,847 --> 00:41:15,056
That's the one.
1049
00:41:15,140 --> 00:41:17,642
Yeah, with the big
full-page ad that says,
1050
00:41:17,726 --> 00:41:19,895
"Hello, boys.
This show's a really big deal,
1051
00:41:19,978 --> 00:41:21,646
and anyone associated
with this ad
1052
00:41:21,730 --> 00:41:23,773
is gonna be rich and famous
and very, very happy."
1053
00:41:23,857 --> 00:41:24,900
Bingo.
1054
00:41:24,983 --> 00:41:27,194
[both] No opening acts.
1055
00:41:27,277 --> 00:41:29,404
Yep. Hang up the phone, Maggie.
1056
00:41:29,487 --> 00:41:31,072
- Why?
- I moved.
1057
00:41:31,156 --> 00:41:32,574
- Where to?
- I'm dead.
1058
00:41:32,657 --> 00:41:35,076
- You are?
- Just hang up
the goddamn phone.
1059
00:41:35,160 --> 00:41:36,703
Okay.
1060
00:41:36,786 --> 00:41:38,413
Sorry.
1061
00:41:38,496 --> 00:41:40,040
No problem.
1062
00:41:40,123 --> 00:41:41,583
You want some coffee?
1063
00:41:41,666 --> 00:41:43,210
Uh, sure.
1064
00:41:43,293 --> 00:41:44,419
Cream?
1065
00:41:44,502 --> 00:41:46,463
- Susie, don't.
- Don't what?
1066
00:41:46,546 --> 00:41:48,340
Okay, no cream.
1067
00:41:48,423 --> 00:41:49,758
You know my situation.
1068
00:41:49,841 --> 00:41:52,260
Sugar? Yeah, you like it sweet.
1069
00:41:52,344 --> 00:41:54,221
Let me put some sugar
in there for you.
1070
00:41:54,304 --> 00:41:56,681
- [Midge] This is creepy.
- [Frank] That was
really Tony Bennett?
1071
00:41:56,765 --> 00:41:58,350
Yes, but I'm not doing op...
1072
00:41:58,433 --> 00:42:00,644
Let it go, Frank. It's
a brick wall in a pink tutu.
1073
00:42:00,727 --> 00:42:02,270
Susie, do you know if,
at any point,
1074
00:42:02,354 --> 00:42:04,147
this whole building
used to be somewhere else?
1075
00:42:04,231 --> 00:42:05,732
I'm gonna go with no.
1076
00:42:05,815 --> 00:42:07,943
- The building
has not been moved.
- You know, Midge,
1077
00:42:08,026 --> 00:42:09,778
that Bennett gig seems
like a big opportunity.
1078
00:42:09,861 --> 00:42:11,780
You might want to give it
a second thought.
1079
00:42:11,863 --> 00:42:13,281
Thanks, Frank.
Susie and I have a plan.
1080
00:42:13,365 --> 00:42:14,699
Is the plan to open
for Tony Bennett?
1081
00:42:14,783 --> 00:42:15,909
'Cause that sounds
like a good plan.
1082
00:42:15,992 --> 00:42:17,661
It's not, but thanks for asking.
1083
00:42:17,744 --> 00:42:18,912
Tony Bennett is a great singer.
1084
00:42:18,995 --> 00:42:20,163
You would work nice with him.
1085
00:42:20,247 --> 00:42:21,373
I would.
1086
00:42:21,456 --> 00:42:23,041
I'm not gonna, but I would.
1087
00:42:23,124 --> 00:42:26,044
[Nicky] Miriam, as friends
of yours and Susie's...
1088
00:42:26,127 --> 00:42:28,004
I'd say more like family
than friends at this point.
1089
00:42:28,088 --> 00:42:29,631
We're just looking out
for your well-being.
1090
00:42:29,714 --> 00:42:31,132
You should consider
changing your mind.
1091
00:42:31,216 --> 00:42:32,509
And then you should
change your mind.
1092
00:42:32,592 --> 00:42:34,469
He won't give us a line
till he tracks down
1093
00:42:34,552 --> 00:42:36,012
the origins of this phone.
1094
00:42:36,096 --> 00:42:38,223
Hey, Dinah, stir the sauce.
1095
00:42:39,641 --> 00:42:41,643
- Two lines, right?
- Yes, please.
1096
00:42:43,103 --> 00:42:44,813
Don't open the door.
1097
00:42:47,774 --> 00:42:49,776
Can I talk to you a minute?
1098
00:42:54,030 --> 00:42:55,657
Why are they suddenly
always around?
1099
00:42:55,740 --> 00:42:57,575
- Who?
- Martini and Rossi.
1100
00:42:57,659 --> 00:42:59,494
I don't know.
They're just hanging out.
1101
00:42:59,577 --> 00:43:01,329
Here. They are hanging out here.
1102
00:43:01,413 --> 00:43:03,415
Yes, here. They got this place
for me, remember?
1103
00:43:03,498 --> 00:43:05,750
They found the furniture for me.
They suggested the layout.
1104
00:43:05,834 --> 00:43:07,627
- Why?
- Why?
1105
00:43:07,711 --> 00:43:09,629
'Cause it's not obvious
to the eye, Miriam.
1106
00:43:09,713 --> 00:43:11,256
It's a lot
of fucking space to fill.
1107
00:43:11,339 --> 00:43:13,466
Susie, think. Why did they
do all this for you?
1108
00:43:13,550 --> 00:43:15,051
'Cause you're just
so fun to be around?
1109
00:43:15,135 --> 00:43:16,428
Fuck you. I am fun.
1110
00:43:16,511 --> 00:43:18,596
These guys aren't pals
with people without a catch.
1111
00:43:18,680 --> 00:43:20,098
What's the catch?
1112
00:43:21,141 --> 00:43:22,183
What do you care?
1113
00:43:24,561 --> 00:43:26,021
They said something
about a taste.
1114
00:43:26,104 --> 00:43:28,273
- A taste of what?
- Okay, you need to relax.
1115
00:43:28,356 --> 00:43:29,482
These guys are mobsters.
1116
00:43:29,566 --> 00:43:31,484
Hey, I know what they are, okay?
1117
00:43:31,568 --> 00:43:33,820
They kidnapped me
for a night, if you remember.
1118
00:43:33,903 --> 00:43:35,989
What are they getting
a taste of?
1119
00:43:36,072 --> 00:43:37,907
Look, they did a favor for me.
1120
00:43:37,991 --> 00:43:40,452
Someday, I will do a favor
for them. That's how it works.
1121
00:43:40,535 --> 00:43:43,621
What favor? You have nothing
to give guys who want a favor.
1122
00:43:43,705 --> 00:43:45,874
- I have, too.
- I am the favor.
1123
00:43:45,957 --> 00:43:47,375
Okay. We are done here.
1124
00:43:47,459 --> 00:43:49,044
Susie, please listen to me.
1125
00:43:49,127 --> 00:43:51,087
Boy, I have to tell you,
one thing I am
1126
00:43:51,171 --> 00:43:54,174
very tired of doing right now,
Miriam, is listening to you.
1127
00:43:55,216 --> 00:43:57,927
[♪ Dinah Shore: "Shoo Fly Pie
and Apple Pan Dowdy"]
1128
00:43:58,011 --> 00:43:59,596
[door slams]
1129
00:44:05,143 --> 00:44:06,603
[Abe] Moishe, careful.
1130
00:44:06,686 --> 00:44:08,438
- There's a step.
- There's a step here, Moishe.
1131
00:44:08,521 --> 00:44:09,856
Right here. Watch the step.
1132
00:44:09,939 --> 00:44:11,983
Shirley, I have the onions.
1133
00:44:12,067 --> 00:44:13,693
- Slow down, Pop.
- I am.
1134
00:44:13,777 --> 00:44:15,737
- I said slow down.
- I go any slower,
1135
00:44:15,820 --> 00:44:17,489
technically,
I will have stopped.
1136
00:44:17,572 --> 00:44:19,657
- Pop, please.
- Joel, I love you.
1137
00:44:19,741 --> 00:44:21,659
You're my son. Now, fuck off.
1138
00:44:21,743 --> 00:44:23,536
Zelda's a genius.
She's got everything arranged.
1139
00:44:23,620 --> 00:44:25,205
Your bedroom's down here.
1140
00:44:25,288 --> 00:44:27,082
- The dining room's in there.
- This is silly.
1141
00:44:27,165 --> 00:44:28,917
I'm on display here
like a prize pig.
1142
00:44:29,000 --> 00:44:30,752
The third doctor
from the right said no stairs.
1143
00:44:30,835 --> 00:44:32,504
That's the fourth doctor
from the left.
1144
00:44:32,587 --> 00:44:34,672
Third doctor from the right,
fourth doctor from the left
1145
00:44:34,756 --> 00:44:36,549
is the same doctor, by the way.
1146
00:44:36,633 --> 00:44:38,760
And this is from the man
that was dead a few days ago.
1147
00:44:38,843 --> 00:44:40,261
Let's get you in bed,
Mr. Moishe.
1148
00:44:40,345 --> 00:44:42,055
Just a minute.
I need to talk to Joely.
1149
00:44:42,138 --> 00:44:44,891
Wow. That's a sailor's grip
you got there.
1150
00:44:44,974 --> 00:44:46,810
Okay. I'm on the bed.
1151
00:44:46,893 --> 00:44:48,770
I'm sitting very still.
I'm not eating salt.
1152
00:44:48,853 --> 00:44:50,563
Can I talk to my son
for a moment?
1153
00:44:50,647 --> 00:44:52,315
- Of course.
- Listen.
1154
00:44:53,400 --> 00:44:55,777
I need to say something here.
1155
00:44:55,860 --> 00:44:58,530
On the night of... the thing,
you were telling me about...
1156
00:44:58,613 --> 00:44:59,906
Pop, we don't have to do this.
1157
00:44:59,989 --> 00:45:01,449
I want you to know I heard you.
1158
00:45:01,533 --> 00:45:03,118
I heard everything you said.
1159
00:45:03,201 --> 00:45:06,413
Now, I will admit that
the timing does seem suspicious,
1160
00:45:06,496 --> 00:45:10,667
but I need to make it very clear
that I did not have the thing
1161
00:45:10,750 --> 00:45:13,461
- because you told me
about your girlfriend.
- You didn't?
1162
00:45:13,545 --> 00:45:15,171
I do not care
that she is Chinese.
1163
00:45:15,255 --> 00:45:17,215
- Do I need to repeat this?
- No.
1164
00:45:17,298 --> 00:45:18,716
I am surprised
that she's pregnant,
1165
00:45:18,800 --> 00:45:20,385
but you have two kids
and a zipper,
1166
00:45:20,468 --> 00:45:22,804
so not totally unexpected.
1167
00:45:22,887 --> 00:45:24,806
Plus, it's one more chance
to name someone
1168
00:45:24,889 --> 00:45:26,224
after my Grandmother Helda.
1169
00:45:26,307 --> 00:45:27,392
No, it's not.
1170
00:45:27,475 --> 00:45:29,602
You love her.
You're going to marry her,
1171
00:45:29,686 --> 00:45:31,479
have a family,
another grandchild.
1172
00:45:31,563 --> 00:45:32,772
That's a mitzvah.
1173
00:45:32,856 --> 00:45:35,150
- That, we celebrate.
- Thank you, Pop.
1174
00:45:35,233 --> 00:45:37,569
However, she has to be Jewish by
the time you tell your mother.
1175
00:45:37,652 --> 00:45:39,612
- What?
- It's easy. She meets a rabbi,
1176
00:45:39,696 --> 00:45:40,864
reads a book, takes a bath.
1177
00:45:40,947 --> 00:45:43,700
- Pop.
- I'm getting very weak, Joel.
1178
00:45:43,783 --> 00:45:45,368
Try not to upset me.
1179
00:45:45,452 --> 00:45:47,078
Zelda made her beef tea, Moishe.
1180
00:45:47,162 --> 00:45:48,538
- Drink up.
- Ooh, ooh, ooh.
1181
00:45:48,621 --> 00:45:50,498
- Ah, ah, ah, ah.
- Rose.
1182
00:45:50,582 --> 00:45:51,875
Excuse us, Moishe.
1183
00:45:51,958 --> 00:45:53,877
Abe, my goodness.
1184
00:45:53,960 --> 00:45:55,628
What's the matter?
1185
00:45:55,712 --> 00:45:59,007
♪ I don't want no cake ♪
1186
00:45:59,090 --> 00:46:02,135
♪ Mama, Mama, for my sake...
1187
00:46:02,218 --> 00:46:03,511
Abe.
1188
00:46:03,595 --> 00:46:06,473
And, uh, I got
something for you.
1189
00:46:06,556 --> 00:46:09,642
♪ Shoo fly pie
and apple pan dowdy ♪
1190
00:46:09,726 --> 00:46:12,145
♪ Makes your eyes light up ♪
1191
00:46:12,228 --> 00:46:14,898
- ♪ Your tummy say howdy...
- [sighs]
1192
00:46:14,981 --> 00:46:18,693
Just remember, I am going first.
1193
00:46:18,776 --> 00:46:20,361
Whatever you want, Abe.
1194
00:46:20,445 --> 00:46:22,071
♪ Wonderful stuff ♪♪
1195
00:46:22,155 --> 00:46:23,907
[song ends]
1196
00:46:23,990 --> 00:46:26,868
[quiet chatter]
1197
00:46:26,951 --> 00:46:29,829
Too thick. Too thin.
1198
00:46:29,913 --> 00:46:32,248
Too long. What kind of bread
do you put that in?
1199
00:46:32,332 --> 00:46:35,084
- [man whispering] How long
is she gonna take?
- [woman] Shh!
1200
00:46:36,336 --> 00:46:38,546
Start again.
1201
00:46:38,630 --> 00:46:41,549
[♪ "Shadkhnte, Shadkhnte"]
1202
00:46:41,633 --> 00:46:43,635
[song playing in Yiddish]
1203
00:46:48,890 --> 00:46:51,809
You just save me a piece
of that wedding cake.
1204
00:46:55,104 --> 00:46:56,773
[♪ "Matchmaker, Matchmaker"]
1205
00:46:56,856 --> 00:46:59,984
♪ Matchmaker, matchmaker,
I'll bring the veil ♪
1206
00:47:00,068 --> 00:47:03,363
♪ You bring the groom
slender and pale ♪
1207
00:47:03,446 --> 00:47:06,324
♪ Bring me a ring,
for I'm longing to be ♪
1208
00:47:06,407 --> 00:47:09,702
♪ The envy of all I see ♪
1209
00:47:09,786 --> 00:47:13,414
♪ For Papa, make him a scholar ♪
1210
00:47:13,498 --> 00:47:16,876
♪ For Mama,
make him rich as a king ♪
1211
00:47:16,960 --> 00:47:20,255
♪ For me, well,
I wouldn't holler ♪
1212
00:47:20,338 --> 00:47:23,341
♪ If he were
as handsome as anything ♪
1213
00:47:23,424 --> 00:47:25,635
♪ Matchmaker, matchmaker,
make me a match ♪
1214
00:47:25,718 --> 00:47:27,470
We're going to war, Vincent.
1215
00:47:27,554 --> 00:47:30,223
♪ Find me a find,
catch me a catch ♪
1216
00:47:30,306 --> 00:47:32,267
♪ Night after night
in the dark I'm alone ♪
1217
00:47:32,350 --> 00:47:34,018
My God, that smells good.
1218
00:47:34,102 --> 00:47:37,355
♪ So find me a match
of my own ♪♪
1219
00:47:37,438 --> 00:47:39,399
[announcer] Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
1220
00:47:39,482 --> 00:47:41,776
It gives me a great deal
of pleasure to welcome you
1221
00:47:41,859 --> 00:47:45,029
to this performance of
Lenny Bruce at Carnegie Hall.
1222
00:47:45,113 --> 00:47:48,241
The one thing I'd like to say
about the label
1223
00:47:48,324 --> 00:47:50,743
of "sick comedian,"
which I think...
1224
00:47:50,827 --> 00:47:52,453
[sighs] Is there
anyone out there?
1225
00:47:52,537 --> 00:47:54,205
I don't know, man.
Go out there and look.
1226
00:47:54,289 --> 00:47:56,040
No, I'm not gonna
go out there and look.
1227
00:47:56,124 --> 00:47:58,042
Does it matter?
Will it change anything?
1228
00:47:58,126 --> 00:47:59,669
It's fine.
I'll just go out there
1229
00:47:59,752 --> 00:48:02,005
and entertain whatever junkie
wandered in from Times Square.
1230
00:48:02,088 --> 00:48:03,756
Won't be the first time.
1231
00:48:03,840 --> 00:48:07,343
[announcer] ...but that
Lenny Bruce comments, reflects,
1232
00:48:07,427 --> 00:48:09,971
holds up the mirror,
so to speak,
1233
00:48:10,054 --> 00:48:12,890
to the sick elements
in our society
1234
00:48:12,974 --> 00:48:16,853
that should be reflected upon
and that should be spoken about.
1235
00:48:16,936 --> 00:48:18,938
[audience applauding]
1236
00:48:21,357 --> 00:48:23,735
And so at this time,
ladies and gentlemen,
1237
00:48:23,818 --> 00:48:25,153
Lenny Bruce.
1238
00:48:25,236 --> 00:48:26,779
- [applause]
- Shit.
- [woman] Oh.
1239
00:48:26,863 --> 00:48:29,324
- [murmuring]
- [man] Go get 'em, Lenny.
1240
00:48:29,407 --> 00:48:31,409
[audience cheering]
1241
00:48:44,631 --> 00:48:46,382
- [man] You're the best, Lenny!
- All right, all right.
1242
00:48:46,466 --> 00:48:48,259
Cool it. Like, um... [chuckles]
1243
00:48:48,343 --> 00:48:53,389
I wasn't doing a milking bit,
but it's ridiculous, man.
1244
00:48:53,473 --> 00:48:55,475
- Hee-hee!
- [laughter]
1245
00:48:55,558 --> 00:48:58,186
You should dig
my point of view here, man.
1246
00:48:59,228 --> 00:49:02,357
You know, uh, working
Carnegie Hall is like, uh...
1247
00:49:02,440 --> 00:49:04,067
I dig it, you know.
1248
00:49:04,150 --> 00:49:05,610
- It's like a...
- [chuckling]
1249
00:49:05,693 --> 00:49:08,655
But it's a... I had a lot
of fantasies with it, you know.
1250
00:49:08,738 --> 00:49:10,073
Uh, two great fantasies.
1251
00:49:10,156 --> 00:49:12,283
Uh, one, he introduces me
1252
00:49:12,367 --> 00:49:15,078
and I come out with a violin
and I just cook, man.
1253
00:49:15,161 --> 00:49:17,038
- [spluttering]
- [laughter]
1254
00:49:17,121 --> 00:49:18,289
But for an hour, man.
1255
00:49:18,373 --> 00:49:19,499
- [spluttering]
- [laughter]
1256
00:49:19,582 --> 00:49:21,417
Every Stravinsky. Heavy like...
1257
00:49:21,501 --> 00:49:23,294
- [spluttering]
- [laughter]
1258
00:49:23,378 --> 00:49:26,214
And I don't say a word, zugnish,
and I split, you know.
1259
00:49:26,297 --> 00:49:27,840
You go, "What was that, man?"
1260
00:49:27,924 --> 00:49:31,552
"I don't know. It was a concert
and he played a violin."
1261
00:49:31,636 --> 00:49:32,970
"He didn't do any bits?"
1262
00:49:33,054 --> 00:49:35,723
"No, man, he just wailed
his ass off with a violin."
1263
00:49:35,807 --> 00:49:36,766
Yeah.
1264
00:49:36,849 --> 00:49:38,226
- [laughter, applause]
- Excuse me.
1265
00:49:38,309 --> 00:49:39,811
Excuse me. Pardon me.
1266
00:49:39,894 --> 00:49:41,145
Excu...
1267
00:49:43,189 --> 00:49:46,317
Okay. Now, number two fantasy
is that, uh--
1268
00:49:46,401 --> 00:49:48,403
as this is the 12:00 scene--
1269
00:49:48,486 --> 00:49:50,655
uh, maybe the people
who own this place
1270
00:49:50,738 --> 00:49:53,157
- don't even know we're here.
- [laughter]
1271
00:49:53,241 --> 00:49:55,159
Right? Yeah.
1272
00:49:55,243 --> 00:49:57,995
You get a guy who's
like a-a good corrupt janitor.
1273
00:49:58,079 --> 00:49:59,872
You know? "Uh, all right,
but don't make no noise
1274
00:49:59,956 --> 00:50:01,290
and clean up
after you're finished."
1275
00:50:01,374 --> 00:50:02,375
[laughter, applause]
1276
00:50:02,458 --> 00:50:04,627
Okay. Okay, dig.
1277
00:50:07,630 --> 00:50:11,884
So now you've got
a dopey cliché like, uh,
1278
00:50:11,968 --> 00:50:14,929
"Would you want your sister
to marry one of them?"
1279
00:50:15,012 --> 00:50:17,432
Which, see, has...
there's no logic there, see.
1280
00:50:17,515 --> 00:50:20,101
Because you got to tell me
which sister, which one of them.
1281
00:50:20,184 --> 00:50:21,686
[laughter]
1282
00:50:21,769 --> 00:50:24,897
Because if I talk to a member
of the Ku Klux Klan and I say,
1283
00:50:24,981 --> 00:50:27,233
"Uh, let's see,
you're, uh, 35 years old,
1284
00:50:27,316 --> 00:50:31,195
you're unmarried, you're white,
you're an attractive man.
1285
00:50:31,279 --> 00:50:34,824
I'm gonna give you a choice--
own free will--
1286
00:50:34,907 --> 00:50:38,161
of marrying a Black woman
or a white woman.
1287
00:50:38,244 --> 00:50:41,789
Two chicks, about the same ages,
same economic level,
1288
00:50:41,873 --> 00:50:43,332
and you make the choice.
1289
00:50:43,416 --> 00:50:45,585
But you got to marry her.
Whatever marriage means to you.
1290
00:50:45,668 --> 00:50:48,087
Kissing and hugging
and sleeping in a single bed
1291
00:50:48,171 --> 00:50:50,214
- on hot nights.
- [laughter]
1292
00:50:50,298 --> 00:50:52,800
Fifteen years
with a Black, Black woman
1293
00:50:52,884 --> 00:50:54,719
or 15 years
with a white, white woman.
1294
00:50:54,802 --> 00:50:56,929
Kissing and hugging
that Black, Black woman
1295
00:50:57,013 --> 00:50:58,431
or the white one.
1296
00:50:58,514 --> 00:51:01,559
You make your choice between the
Black woman or the white woman.
1297
00:51:01,642 --> 00:51:03,186
The white woman...
1298
00:51:03,269 --> 00:51:04,771
is Kate Smith.
1299
00:51:04,854 --> 00:51:07,231
[laughter, applause]
1300
00:51:07,315 --> 00:51:09,442
The Black woman
1301
00:51:09,525 --> 00:51:10,943
- is Lena Horne.
- [cheering]
1302
00:51:11,027 --> 00:51:13,154
So, then you are not concerned
1303
00:51:13,237 --> 00:51:15,740
with Black or white anymore,
are you?"
1304
00:51:17,867 --> 00:51:19,869
I don't know if there's
any losers out here.
1305
00:51:19,952 --> 00:51:21,829
[laughter]
1306
00:51:21,913 --> 00:51:23,664
You know, when you break up
with your old lady,
1307
00:51:23,748 --> 00:51:26,250
uh, get divorced,
uh, here's the problem.
1308
00:51:26,334 --> 00:51:27,668
I don't know
if you'll encounter it.
1309
00:51:27,752 --> 00:51:29,587
It's particularly
a show business problem,
1310
00:51:29,670 --> 00:51:32,006
but, uh... because of my hours.
1311
00:51:32,089 --> 00:51:34,342
I'm not a particularly
promiscuous person,
1312
00:51:34,425 --> 00:51:37,094
but I like to have someone,
you know, to hang out with,
1313
00:51:37,178 --> 00:51:38,888
- to talk to.
- [laughter]
1314
00:51:38,971 --> 00:51:42,058
Usually, I go out with chicks
that are between 30 and 40,
1315
00:51:42,141 --> 00:51:43,976
because they're usually divorced
1316
00:51:44,060 --> 00:51:45,520
and good and bitter, too,
you know.
1317
00:51:45,603 --> 00:51:46,562
[laughter]
1318
00:51:46,646 --> 00:51:48,439
But the hang-up is,
1319
00:51:48,523 --> 00:51:51,150
where can you go
at 4:00 in the morning?
1320
00:51:51,234 --> 00:51:52,777
And every chick I know
who's divorced
1321
00:51:52,860 --> 00:51:54,570
- has got a seven-year-old kid.
- [laughter]
1322
00:51:54,654 --> 00:51:56,739
If they haven't got
a seven-year-old kid,
1323
00:51:56,823 --> 00:51:59,575
they've got a mother who lives
with them who's divorced, too.
1324
00:51:59,659 --> 00:52:02,245
- [laughter]
- And those kinds of mothers
are real nuts.
1325
00:52:02,328 --> 00:52:04,580
You know, complete competition
with their daughters.
1326
00:52:04,664 --> 00:52:07,750
"Oh, you think I got nice legs?
I was a Charleston dancer."
1327
00:52:07,834 --> 00:52:08,876
[laughter, applause]
1328
00:52:08,960 --> 00:52:11,170
Yeah. [chuckles] Yeah.
1329
00:52:11,254 --> 00:52:13,422
And so the hang-up is,
1330
00:52:13,506 --> 00:52:16,008
at 4:00 in the morning,
where you gonna...
1331
00:52:16,092 --> 00:52:19,554
If you say, uh, "motel,"
semantics, that's out.
1332
00:52:19,637 --> 00:52:21,556
Yeah.
1333
00:52:21,639 --> 00:52:24,100
Really. It's got, like,
a lewd connotation.
1334
00:52:24,183 --> 00:52:27,270
So, I figured all kinds
of devices, like, uh,
1335
00:52:27,353 --> 00:52:29,480
I tell a chick "a trailer."
1336
00:52:29,564 --> 00:52:31,566
- [laughter]
- That sounds cute, right?
1337
00:52:31,649 --> 00:52:33,150
Nothing dirty about trailers.
1338
00:52:33,234 --> 00:52:35,111
"Hey, want to go to my trailer?"
1339
00:52:35,194 --> 00:52:37,113
"Yeah, okay. Where is it?"
1340
00:52:37,196 --> 00:52:39,490
"Well, it's
in my motel room now."
1341
00:52:39,574 --> 00:52:40,908
[laughter]
1342
00:52:40,992 --> 00:52:43,244
"Yeah.
I'll help you assemble it."
1343
00:52:43,327 --> 00:52:44,662
[chuckles]
1344
00:52:47,206 --> 00:52:50,334
This one chick, oh,
I kind of dug her, you know?
1345
00:52:50,418 --> 00:52:53,838
Uh, I known her a couple years,
seen her after work.
1346
00:52:53,921 --> 00:52:57,174
And, uh, we're sitting there
outside of the motel,
1347
00:52:57,258 --> 00:52:59,343
and, uh, she says,
"All right, look.
1348
00:52:59,427 --> 00:53:00,761
I don't want to go in there.
1349
00:53:00,845 --> 00:53:02,305
I don't want to be embarrassed
with the registering
1350
00:53:02,388 --> 00:53:03,514
and all that. You go in."
1351
00:53:03,598 --> 00:53:04,974
I say, "All right. Solid.
1352
00:53:05,057 --> 00:53:06,183
You stay in the car."
1353
00:53:06,267 --> 00:53:08,352
- [laughter]
- So, I go in.
1354
00:53:08,436 --> 00:53:10,354
Uh, "Hello."
1355
00:53:10,438 --> 00:53:12,398
"Hello. Um...
1356
00:53:12,481 --> 00:53:14,358
How much is it here a month?"
1357
00:53:14,442 --> 00:53:16,444
- [laughter]
- "Well, we just got
a daily rate.
1358
00:53:16,527 --> 00:53:17,653
Six dollars."
1359
00:53:17,737 --> 00:53:19,155
"Uh... [clears throat]
1360
00:53:19,238 --> 00:53:20,573
I'll tell you what.
1361
00:53:20,656 --> 00:53:21,699
Uh... [clears throat]
1362
00:53:21,782 --> 00:53:24,702
My sister's out in the car,
and, uh...
1363
00:53:24,785 --> 00:53:26,579
we had a terrible tragedy
in our family.
1364
00:53:26,662 --> 00:53:28,080
My uncle passed away.
1365
00:53:28,164 --> 00:53:30,666
And I don't know if you've
ever had a tragedy like that.
1366
00:53:30,750 --> 00:53:32,710
Uh, we were very close
to him, in fact.
1367
00:53:32,793 --> 00:53:35,755
And, uh, she's all shook up.
She's under sedation.
1368
00:53:35,838 --> 00:53:37,506
- She's just hysterical.
- [laughter]
1369
00:53:37,590 --> 00:53:40,092
So, I'm gonna sleep with her."
1370
00:53:40,176 --> 00:53:42,219
[laughter, applause]
1371
00:53:42,303 --> 00:53:44,305
[cheering]
1372
00:53:47,850 --> 00:53:49,644
Time to split.
1373
00:53:49,727 --> 00:53:51,354
Grab a shovel and go home.
1374
00:53:51,437 --> 00:53:52,355
Thank you.
1375
00:53:52,438 --> 00:53:54,941
[cheering, applause]
1376
00:54:14,126 --> 00:54:15,628
- [indistinct chatter]
- Excuse me.
1377
00:54:15,711 --> 00:54:18,881
Excuse me.
Ooh, sorry if that was a foot!
1378
00:54:18,965 --> 00:54:21,133
- Ah! Ha! There she is.
- [giggles]
1379
00:54:21,217 --> 00:54:23,886
Everyone, this is Midge Maisel.
1380
00:54:23,970 --> 00:54:25,554
Mrs., to those in the know.
1381
00:54:25,638 --> 00:54:27,181
Hey, hey, hey,
how's your father-in-law?
1382
00:54:27,264 --> 00:54:29,225
He's fine, actually.
He's gonna recover.
1383
00:54:29,308 --> 00:54:30,893
Oh, thank God.
We were in a panic all evening.
1384
00:54:30,977 --> 00:54:32,103
Uh, can you all excuse me?
1385
00:54:32,186 --> 00:54:34,271
I have to talk to this lady
for a moment.
1386
00:54:34,355 --> 00:54:36,190
[indistinct chatter]
1387
00:54:36,273 --> 00:54:40,361
Lenny, you were
insanely great tonight.
1388
00:54:40,444 --> 00:54:42,154
Really.
1389
00:54:42,238 --> 00:54:45,992
The people around me
never wanted you to stop.
1390
00:54:46,075 --> 00:54:47,368
Might've wanted you to slow down
1391
00:54:47,451 --> 00:54:49,745
if they were following you
like this.
1392
00:54:49,829 --> 00:54:50,746
Lenny.
1393
00:54:50,830 --> 00:54:52,373
Little tip:
the nicer the lady looks,
1394
00:54:52,456 --> 00:54:54,291
the worse her shoes are.
1395
00:54:59,380 --> 00:55:01,048
Wow.
1396
00:55:01,132 --> 00:55:03,676
This is amazing.
1397
00:55:03,759 --> 00:55:05,344
How did it feel?
1398
00:55:05,428 --> 00:55:08,472
How did it feel? Uh...
1399
00:55:08,556 --> 00:55:10,850
It felt great.
1400
00:55:10,933 --> 00:55:12,685
Been here before
to see concerts,
1401
00:55:12,768 --> 00:55:15,563
but out in the audience,
obviously.
1402
00:55:15,646 --> 00:55:17,648
I hear you turned down
the Bennett gig.
1403
00:55:17,732 --> 00:55:19,650
Yeah.
1404
00:55:19,734 --> 00:55:21,068
I did.
1405
00:55:21,152 --> 00:55:23,195
Said you wouldn't even
come to the phone.
1406
00:55:23,279 --> 00:55:26,323
Well, that was more Susie,
but yes.
1407
00:55:26,407 --> 00:55:28,242
Okay.
1408
00:55:28,325 --> 00:55:29,452
Let's put aside for a moment
1409
00:55:29,535 --> 00:55:31,203
that I went to bat for you
for that job.
1410
00:55:31,287 --> 00:55:33,539
I mean, really, I turned down
their price three times.
1411
00:55:33,622 --> 00:55:34,832
"No, she can't work for that.
1412
00:55:34,915 --> 00:55:36,000
Do you have any idea
what you're getting here?"
1413
00:55:36,083 --> 00:55:37,501
That's on me.
1414
00:55:37,585 --> 00:55:39,211
You didn't ask me to do that,
so I'm the schmuck there.
1415
00:55:39,295 --> 00:55:41,881
- Lenny...
- But I couldn't
really figure out why.
1416
00:55:41,964 --> 00:55:43,090
So I asked around.
1417
00:55:43,174 --> 00:55:44,508
I don't know.
1418
00:55:44,592 --> 00:55:46,093
Were you being
blacklisted again?
1419
00:55:46,177 --> 00:55:47,762
Did the Baldwin thing
hurt you that much?
1420
00:55:47,845 --> 00:55:49,096
I'm at Carnegie Hall.
1421
00:55:49,180 --> 00:55:51,098
I've got five minutes
where maybe I can help you
1422
00:55:51,182 --> 00:55:53,517
before I'm thrown out
of the club again.
1423
00:55:53,601 --> 00:55:55,561
But then I heard that
you were turning down gigs
1424
00:55:55,644 --> 00:55:57,271
right and left.
1425
00:55:57,354 --> 00:55:59,815
I made a decision
to do things my way.
1426
00:55:59,899 --> 00:56:01,692
I'm sorry, what does that mean?
1427
00:56:01,776 --> 00:56:05,488
It means I just want to say
what I want to say.
1428
00:56:05,571 --> 00:56:06,864
Why am I explaining this to you?
1429
00:56:06,947 --> 00:56:10,201
Why? Because my fucking mind
is blown, that's why.
1430
00:56:10,284 --> 00:56:11,452
I don't understand.
1431
00:56:11,535 --> 00:56:13,370
No opening act gigs.
1432
00:56:13,454 --> 00:56:14,830
- Yes.
- That's true?
1433
00:56:14,914 --> 00:56:15,831
Yes, that's true.
1434
00:56:15,915 --> 00:56:17,833
I told you about the manifesto.
1435
00:56:17,917 --> 00:56:19,627
Do you understand
that this is a business?
1436
00:56:19,710 --> 00:56:21,962
Like anything else--
you get hired, you get paid.
1437
00:56:22,046 --> 00:56:24,173
- You understand that?
- Yes, but...
1438
00:56:24,256 --> 00:56:26,258
And the trick is
to get good and get paid.
1439
00:56:26,342 --> 00:56:27,593
I get paid at the Wolford.
1440
00:56:27,676 --> 00:56:29,553
Oh, come on.
One thing you are not is dumb.
1441
00:56:29,637 --> 00:56:32,306
Wait a minute.
You never compromise.
1442
00:56:32,389 --> 00:56:35,184
You get up onstage knowing the
police could be there, or, hell,
1443
00:56:35,267 --> 00:56:36,769
that they are there, and you say
1444
00:56:36,852 --> 00:56:39,021
whatever the hell it is
you want anyhow.
1445
00:56:39,105 --> 00:56:40,272
Why is it wrong for me
to want to do
1446
00:56:40,356 --> 00:56:42,024
- the very same thing?
- Jesus Christ, Midge.
1447
00:56:42,108 --> 00:56:44,401
What a fucking pedestal
you put me on.
1448
00:56:45,736 --> 00:56:48,072
Getting arrested
is not a badge of honor.
1449
00:56:48,155 --> 00:56:50,658
Getting arrested means I can't
work where I want to work.
1450
00:56:50,741 --> 00:56:52,827
People are afraid of booking me.
1451
00:56:52,910 --> 00:56:55,538
It's exactly the opposite
of what I want for myself.
1452
00:56:55,621 --> 00:56:57,873
- But...
- Do you know how much
I hate knowing that half
1453
00:56:57,957 --> 00:57:00,334
the people that come to see me
are hoping I'm gonna get popped?
1454
00:57:00,417 --> 00:57:02,503
Hoping they'll have some great
story to tell their friends
1455
00:57:02,586 --> 00:57:04,255
over cheese and crackers?
1456
00:57:04,338 --> 00:57:06,298
I want people to fucking laugh.
1457
00:57:06,382 --> 00:57:08,634
Think and laugh, sure,
but laugh.
1458
00:57:08,717 --> 00:57:09,969
I'm a comic.
1459
00:57:10,052 --> 00:57:11,262
An entertainer.
1460
00:57:11,345 --> 00:57:12,888
Baggy pants, banana peels.
1461
00:57:12,972 --> 00:57:15,474
I'm not the stand-up messiah.
1462
00:57:15,558 --> 00:57:18,394
This is what I want.
1463
00:57:18,477 --> 00:57:20,271
This is what I have worked for.
1464
00:57:20,354 --> 00:57:21,814
Don't you want this?
1465
00:57:21,897 --> 00:57:23,899
Don't you want to be here?
1466
00:57:23,983 --> 00:57:26,235
Don't you want to know
a thousand mental patients
1467
00:57:26,318 --> 00:57:28,404
braved a fucking snowstorm
to see you?
1468
00:57:28,487 --> 00:57:30,948
- That should be the goal.
- How do you know it's not?
1469
00:57:31,031 --> 00:57:32,575
Because you're not
gonna get here
1470
00:57:32,658 --> 00:57:35,161
hiding yourself away in a club
that technically doesn't exist.
1471
00:57:35,244 --> 00:57:37,955
- I'm not hiding.
- You sure as fuck are hiding.
1472
00:57:38,998 --> 00:57:40,207
So what you got dumped
by Baldwin?
1473
00:57:40,291 --> 00:57:41,750
Who gives a shit?
Go get another gig.
1474
00:57:41,834 --> 00:57:42,751
And another and another.
1475
00:57:42,835 --> 00:57:44,587
So I'm just supposed
to get fired
1476
00:57:44,670 --> 00:57:45,796
from one job after another?
1477
00:57:45,880 --> 00:57:48,090
Yes. If that's what it takes.
1478
00:57:48,174 --> 00:57:50,551
Listen to me.
1479
00:57:50,634 --> 00:57:51,969
I have made a lot of mistakes
1480
00:57:52,052 --> 00:57:53,554
and I am gonna keep making
a lot of mistakes,
1481
00:57:53,637 --> 00:57:55,681
but one thing
is crystal clear in my mind
1482
00:57:55,764 --> 00:57:57,266
and it's what the endgame is.
1483
00:57:57,349 --> 00:57:59,351
Oh, really? So that's
what the bag in your...
1484
00:57:59,435 --> 00:58:01,854
No. Do not make this about me.
1485
00:58:01,937 --> 00:58:03,480
This is about you.
1486
00:58:03,564 --> 00:58:06,650
You wanted me to remember
you're funny, right?
1487
00:58:06,734 --> 00:58:08,485
That night?
1488
00:58:08,569 --> 00:58:10,321
You didn't want me
to think of you as just a girl.
1489
00:58:10,404 --> 00:58:12,948
You wanted me
to think of you as a comic.
1490
00:58:13,032 --> 00:58:15,659
Well, don't you forget
that I'm a comic, too.
1491
00:58:15,743 --> 00:58:17,494
Don't you dare look at me
as someone to be pitied
1492
00:58:17,578 --> 00:58:18,829
or helped or fixed.
1493
00:58:18,913 --> 00:58:21,207
I do not want or need that,
especially from you.
1494
00:58:21,290 --> 00:58:23,375
- I don't want to fix you.
- Ninety percent of this game
1495
00:58:23,459 --> 00:58:25,878
is how they see you.
1496
00:58:25,961 --> 00:58:27,671
They see you hanging
with Tony Bennett,
1497
00:58:27,755 --> 00:58:29,256
they think
you deserve to be there.
1498
00:58:29,340 --> 00:58:30,507
They see you hauled off to jail
1499
00:58:30,591 --> 00:58:32,176
for saying "fuck"
at a strip club,
1500
00:58:32,259 --> 00:58:33,761
they think
you deserve that also.
1501
00:58:33,844 --> 00:58:35,721
Wise up.
1502
00:58:38,015 --> 00:58:39,516
I'm not hiding.
1503
00:58:39,600 --> 00:58:40,684
I have a plan.
1504
00:58:40,768 --> 00:58:42,228
Don't plan!
1505
00:58:42,311 --> 00:58:43,979
Work.
1506
00:58:44,063 --> 00:58:46,398
Just work and keep working.
1507
00:58:47,524 --> 00:58:49,777
There is a moment
in this business,
1508
00:58:49,860 --> 00:58:51,362
window's open.
1509
00:58:51,445 --> 00:58:53,197
If you miss it, it closes.
1510
00:58:53,280 --> 00:58:54,323
Just don't...
1511
00:58:58,494 --> 00:59:01,163
If you blow this, Midge,
I swear...
1512
00:59:09,296 --> 00:59:12,049
...you will break
my fucking heart.
1513
00:59:16,595 --> 00:59:18,597
[chatter, laughter in distance]
1514
00:59:29,817 --> 00:59:33,570
- ♪ Cuckoo, cuckoo ♪
- [♪ Alexander Wells: "Friday
Afternoons, Op. 7: Cuckoo!"]
1515
00:59:33,654 --> 00:59:37,324
- ♪ Cuckoo, cuckoo ♪
- ♪ What do you do? ♪
1516
00:59:37,408 --> 00:59:41,078
- [wind howling]
- ♪ Cuckoo, cuckoo ♪
1517
00:59:41,161 --> 00:59:43,080
♪ In April ♪
1518
00:59:43,163 --> 00:59:45,082
♪ I open my bill ♪
1519
00:59:45,165 --> 00:59:46,834
♪ In May ♪
1520
00:59:46,917 --> 00:59:48,919
♪ I sing night and day ♪
1521
00:59:49,003 --> 00:59:50,838
♪ In June ♪
1522
00:59:50,921 --> 00:59:54,466
- ♪ I change my tune ♪
- [grunting]
1523
00:59:54,550 --> 00:59:57,636
♪ In July, far, far I fly ♪
1524
00:59:57,720 --> 00:59:59,680
♪ In August ♪
1525
00:59:59,763 --> 01:00:03,142
♪ Away ♪
1526
01:00:03,225 --> 01:00:06,395
[grunting]
1527
01:00:06,478 --> 01:00:08,397
♪ I must ♪
1528
01:00:08,480 --> 01:00:10,482
[wind howling]
1529
01:00:12,901 --> 01:00:17,156
♪ Cuckoo, cuckoo ♪
1530
01:00:17,239 --> 01:00:20,117
- ♪ What do you do? ♪
- [lively chatter]
1531
01:00:20,200 --> 01:00:22,369
- [group] ♪ Come on ♪
- [woman] Kennedy/Johnson!
1532
01:00:22,453 --> 01:00:24,830
- [honking]
- We did it!
- ♪ And vote for Kennedy ♪
1533
01:00:24,913 --> 01:00:26,582
- ♪ Vote for Kennedy ♪
- [cheering]
1534
01:00:26,665 --> 01:00:29,543
- ♪ And we'll come out on top ♪
- [whooping]
1535
01:00:29,626 --> 01:00:31,920
♪ Oops, there goes the opp...
1536
01:00:32,004 --> 01:00:34,757
♪ Cuckoo, cuckoo ♪
1537
01:00:34,840 --> 01:00:37,009
- [panting]
- ♪ In June ♪
1538
01:00:37,092 --> 01:00:39,678
♪ I change my tune ♪
1539
01:00:39,762 --> 01:00:43,182
♪ In July, far, far I fly ♪
1540
01:00:43,265 --> 01:00:45,517
♪ In August ♪
1541
01:00:45,601 --> 01:00:51,774
♪ Away ♪
1542
01:00:51,857 --> 01:00:57,237
- ♪ I must ♪
- ♪ Cuckoo, cuckoo ♪
1543
01:00:57,321 --> 01:01:00,741
♪ Cuckoo, cuckoo ♪
1544
01:01:00,824 --> 01:01:03,952
♪ Cuckoo ♪
1545
01:01:04,036 --> 01:01:10,876
♪ Cuckoo ♪♪
1546
01:01:18,384 --> 01:01:20,386
[♪ Sparks: "How Do I Get
to Carnegie Hall?"]
1547
01:01:22,471 --> 01:01:24,515
♪ How do I get
to Carnegie Hall? ♪
1548
01:01:26,558 --> 01:01:28,352
♪ How do I get
to Carnegie Hall? ♪
1549
01:01:30,396 --> 01:01:32,356
♪ How do I get
to Carnegie Hall? ♪
1550
01:01:34,400 --> 01:01:36,360
♪ How do I get
to Carnegie Hall? ♪
1551
01:01:38,404 --> 01:01:40,322
♪ Practice, man, practice ♪
1552
01:01:40,406 --> 01:01:42,324
♪ Practice, man,
practice ♪
1553
01:01:42,408 --> 01:01:44,326
♪ Practice, man, practice ♪
1554
01:01:44,410 --> 01:01:46,328
♪ Practice, man,
practice ♪
1555
01:01:46,412 --> 01:01:48,330
♪ How do I get
to Carnegie Hall? ♪
1556
01:01:48,414 --> 01:01:50,332
♪ Practice, man, practice ♪
1557
01:01:50,416 --> 01:01:52,334
♪ How do I get
to Carnegie Hall? ♪
1558
01:01:52,418 --> 01:01:54,294
♪ Practice, man, practice ♪
1559
01:01:54,378 --> 01:01:56,296
♪ To get yourself
to Carnegie Hall ♪
1560
01:01:56,380 --> 01:01:58,298
♪ Practice, man, practice ♪
1561
01:01:58,382 --> 01:02:00,300
♪ How do I get
to Carnegie Hall? ♪
1562
01:02:00,384 --> 01:02:02,302
♪ Carnegie Hall, Carnegie Hall ♪
1563
01:02:02,386 --> 01:02:06,306
♪ Technical facility ♪
1564
01:02:06,390 --> 01:02:10,269
♪ Old-word sensibility ♪
1565
01:02:10,352 --> 01:02:12,229
♪ All of this ♪
1566
01:02:12,312 --> 01:02:14,231
♪ I did for you ♪
1567
01:02:14,314 --> 01:02:16,233
♪ Still there is ♪
1568
01:02:16,316 --> 01:02:18,235
♪ No sign of you ♪
1569
01:02:18,318 --> 01:02:20,195
♪ I practiced, I practiced ♪
1570
01:02:20,279 --> 01:02:22,197
♪ Carnegie Hall was beckoning ♪
1571
01:02:22,281 --> 01:02:24,199
♪ I practiced, I practiced ♪
1572
01:02:24,283 --> 01:02:26,201
♪ Carnegie Hall was beckoning ♪
1573
01:02:26,285 --> 01:02:28,203
♪ I was ready, I was ready ♪
1574
01:02:28,287 --> 01:02:30,205
♪ Carnegie Hall was beckoning ♪
1575
01:02:30,289 --> 01:02:32,207
♪ Still there is ♪
1576
01:02:32,291 --> 01:02:34,209
♪ No sign of you ♪
1577
01:02:34,293 --> 01:02:36,211
♪ Still there is ♪
1578
01:02:36,295 --> 01:02:38,255
♪ No sign of you ♪
1579
01:02:41,300 --> 01:02:44,219
♪ Steinway, Steinway, Steinway ♪
1580
01:02:44,303 --> 01:02:46,221
♪ Steinway, Steinway ♪
1581
01:02:46,305 --> 01:02:49,224
♪ Steinway, Steinway, Steinway ♪
1582
01:02:49,308 --> 01:02:51,226
♪ How do I get
to Carnegie Hall? ♪
1583
01:02:51,310 --> 01:02:53,228
♪ Practice, man, practice ♪
1584
01:02:53,312 --> 01:02:55,230
♪ How do I get
to Carnegie Hall? ♪
1585
01:02:55,314 --> 01:02:57,232
♪ Practice, man, practice ♪
1586
01:02:57,316 --> 01:02:59,234
♪ To get yourself
to Carnegie Hall ♪
1587
01:02:59,318 --> 01:03:01,236
♪ Practice, man, practice ♪
1588
01:03:01,320 --> 01:03:03,238
♪ How do I get
to Carnegie Hall? ♪
1589
01:03:03,322 --> 01:03:05,157
♪ Carnegie Hall, Carnegie Hall ♪
1590
01:03:05,240 --> 01:03:07,159
♪ Practice on the Steinway ♪
1591
01:03:07,242 --> 01:03:09,119
♪ Practice
on the Steinway ♪
1592
01:03:09,203 --> 01:03:11,121
♪ Practice on the Steinway ♪
1593
01:03:11,205 --> 01:03:13,123
♪ Practice
on the Steinway ♪
1594
01:03:13,207 --> 01:03:15,125
♪ Practice on the Steinway ♪
1595
01:03:15,209 --> 01:03:17,127
♪ Practice
on the Steinway ♪
1596
01:03:17,211 --> 01:03:18,212
♪ Practice ♪
1597
01:03:19,338 --> 01:03:20,297
♪ Practice ♪
1598
01:03:21,340 --> 01:03:23,258
♪ They loved it,
they showed it ♪
1599
01:03:23,342 --> 01:03:25,260
♪ The audience was deafening ♪
1600
01:03:25,344 --> 01:03:27,262
♪ I was ready, I was ready ♪
1601
01:03:27,346 --> 01:03:29,264
♪ The critics all said,
"Riveting" ♪
1602
01:03:29,348 --> 01:03:31,266
♪ On the Steinway,
on the Steinway ♪
1603
01:03:31,350 --> 01:03:33,268
♪ I guess
it doesn't mean a thing ♪
1604
01:03:33,352 --> 01:03:35,270
- ♪ How do I
get to Carnegie Hall? ♪
- ♪ Still there is ♪
1605
01:03:35,354 --> 01:03:37,272
♪ No sign of you ♪
1606
01:03:37,356 --> 01:03:39,274
- ♪ How do I
get to Carnegie Hall? ♪
- ♪ Still there is ♪
1607
01:03:39,358 --> 01:03:41,235
♪ No sign of you ♪
1608
01:03:41,318 --> 01:03:43,153
♪ How do I get
to Carnegie Hall? ♪
1609
01:03:43,237 --> 01:03:45,155
♪ How do
I get to Carnegie Hall? ♪
1610
01:03:45,239 --> 01:03:47,157
♪ Practice, man, practice ♪
1611
01:03:47,241 --> 01:03:49,201
♪ Practice, man, practice ♪♪
113944
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