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'Far out, in the uncharted backwaters
at the unfashionable end
2
00:00:40,882 --> 00:00:43,500
'of the Western Spiral arm
of the Galaxy,
3
00:00:43,620 --> 00:00:46,520
'lies a small unregarded yellow sun.
4
00:00:47,293 --> 00:00:50,662
'Orbiting this at a distance
of roughly 92 million miles
5
00:00:50,782 --> 00:00:54,431
'is an utterly insignificant
little blue-green planet
6
00:00:54,551 --> 00:00:58,558
'whose ape-descended lifeforms
are so amazingly primitive
7
00:00:58,678 --> 00:01:02,632
'that they still think
digital watches are neat.
8
00:01:03,572 --> 00:01:06,893
'This planet has-or had -
a problem, which was this -
9
00:01:07,013 --> 00:01:11,028
'most of the people living on it were
unhappy for pretty much of the time.
10
00:01:12,050 --> 00:01:14,410
'Many solutions were suggested
for this problem,
11
00:01:14,530 --> 00:01:19,420
'mostly concerned with the movements
of small green pieces of paper,
12
00:01:20,090 --> 00:01:22,638
'which is odd, because, on the whole,
13
00:01:22,758 --> 00:01:26,483
'it wasn't the small green pieces
of paper that were unhappy.
14
00:01:27,469 --> 00:01:31,309
'And so the problem remained
and lots of the people were mean,
15
00:01:31,429 --> 00:01:35,400
'and most of them were miserable,
even the ones with digital watches.'
16
00:01:41,315 --> 00:01:45,337
'Many increasingly felt
that they'd all made a big mistake
17
00:01:45,457 --> 00:01:48,404
'in coming down from the trees
in the first place.
18
00:01:53,394 --> 00:01:56,515
'And some said that
even the trees had been a bad move
19
00:01:56,635 --> 00:01:59,497
'and that no one
should ever have left the oceans.
20
00:02:05,696 --> 00:02:06,881
'And then, one day,
21
00:02:07,001 --> 00:02:10,730
'nearly 2,000 years after one man
had been nailed to a tree
22
00:02:10,850 --> 00:02:14,149
'for saying how great it would be
to be nice to people for a change,
23
00:02:14,269 --> 00:02:18,202
'a girl sitting on her own
in a small caf� in Rickmansworth
24
00:02:18,322 --> 00:02:22,114
'suddenly realised what it was
had been going wrong all this time,
25
00:02:22,234 --> 00:02:26,179
'and she finally knew how the world
could be made a good and happy place.
26
00:02:26,531 --> 00:02:28,660
'This time it was right,
it would work,
27
00:02:28,780 --> 00:02:31,185
'and no one would have
to get nailed to anything.
28
00:02:31,703 --> 00:02:35,073
'Sadly, however, before she could get
to a phone to tell anyone,
29
00:02:35,193 --> 00:02:39,756
'the Earth was demolished to
make way for a hyperspace by-pass
30
00:02:39,876 --> 00:02:42,324
'and so the idea was lost forever.
31
00:02:52,424 --> 00:02:55,571
'Meanwhile, Arthur Dent
has escaped from the Earth
32
00:02:55,691 --> 00:02:57,179
'in the company of a friend of his,
33
00:02:57,299 --> 00:03:00,639
'who has unexpectedly turned out
to be from a small planet
34
00:03:00,759 --> 00:03:05,522
'in the vicinity of Betelgeuse,
and not from Guildford after all.
35
00:03:06,074 --> 00:03:08,152
'His name is Ford Prefect,
36
00:03:08,272 --> 00:03:11,564
'for reasons which are unlikely
to become clear again at the moment,
37
00:03:11,684 --> 00:03:15,800
'and they're hiding
in a Vogon spaceship.'
38
00:03:15,920 --> 00:03:17,517
What's that?
39
00:03:17,637 --> 00:03:20,558
If we're lucky, it's a Vogon
come to throw us out into space.
40
00:03:20,678 --> 00:03:21,979
And if we're unlucky?
41
00:03:22,566 --> 00:03:25,701
The captain might want to read us
some of his poetry first.
42
00:03:30,418 --> 00:03:32,600
Oh, freddled gruntbuggly!
43
00:03:32,849 --> 00:03:35,160
Thy micturitions are to me
44
00:03:35,280 --> 00:03:38,950
As plurdled gabbleblotchits
on a lurgid bee
45
00:03:39,267 --> 00:03:44,304
That mordiously hath bitled out
its earted jurtles...
46
00:03:49,597 --> 00:03:53,926
Now the jurpling slayjd agrocrustles
47
00:03:54,046 --> 00:03:57,003
Are slurping hagrilly up
the axlegrurts...
48
00:03:57,123 --> 00:04:01,430
'Vogon poetry is, of course,
the third worst in the Universe.
49
00:04:05,825 --> 00:04:09,042
'The second worst is
that of the Azgoths of Kria.
50
00:04:09,899 --> 00:04:15,484
'During a recitation by their poetmaster
Grunthos the Flatulent of his poem:
51
00:04:21,150 --> 00:04:24,121
'... four of his audience died
of internal haemorrhaging
52
00:04:24,473 --> 00:04:28,407
'and the president of the
Mid-Galactic Arts Nobbling Council
53
00:04:29,075 --> 00:04:32,832
'only survived
by gnawing one of his own legs off.
54
00:04:33,840 --> 00:04:38,364
'Grunthos is reported to have been
disappointed by the poem's reception,
55
00:04:38,484 --> 00:04:41,907
'and was about to embark on a reading
of his 12-book epic:
56
00:04:45,140 --> 00:04:47,265
'when his own major intestine,
57
00:04:47,385 --> 00:04:50,025
'in a desperate attempt
to save lifekind,
58
00:04:50,145 --> 00:04:53,360
'leapt straight up through his neck
and throttled his brain.
59
00:04:54,756 --> 00:05:02,374
'The very worst poetry of all
and its creator:
60
00:05:02,494 --> 00:05:05,548
'perished in the destruction
of the planet Earth.
61
00:05:06,499 --> 00:05:10,150
'Vogon poetry is mild by comparison.'
62
00:05:15,267 --> 00:05:19,080
Now the jurpling slayid agrocrustles
63
00:05:19,200 --> 00:05:22,613
Are slurping hagrilly up
the axlegrurts...
64
00:05:22,733 --> 00:05:27,997
And living glupules frart
and slipulate
65
00:05:28,117 --> 00:05:31,522
Like jowling meated liverslime.
66
00:05:32,223 --> 00:05:34,147
Groop I implore thee
67
00:05:34,267 --> 00:05:36,920
My foonting turling dromes
68
00:05:37,040 --> 00:05:42,548
And hooptiously drangle me
with crinkly bindlewurdles
69
00:05:42,668 --> 00:05:47,820
Or else I shall rend thee in the
gobberwarts with my blurglecruncheon
70
00:05:47,940 --> 00:05:49,370
See if I don't!
71
00:05:51,077 --> 00:05:53,480
- So, Earthlings...
- I'm not an Earthling.
72
00:05:53,600 --> 00:05:57,112
Quiet!
I present you with a simple choice.
73
00:05:57,232 --> 00:06:01,400
Think very carefully,
for your very lives lie in your hands.
74
00:06:01,639 --> 00:06:06,101
Now choose!
Either die in the vacuum of space
75
00:06:06,559 --> 00:06:11,090
or... tell me how good
you thought my poem was.
76
00:06:12,182 --> 00:06:13,283
I liked it.
77
00:06:14,598 --> 00:06:15,314
Huh?
78
00:06:15,434 --> 00:06:17,486
Oh, yes. I thought some
of the metaphysical imagery
79
00:06:17,606 --> 00:06:21,398
- Was particularly effective.
- Yes?
80
00:06:22,080 --> 00:06:28,158
Oh, and interesting...
rhythmic devices...
81
00:06:28,278 --> 00:06:31,352
which seemed to counterpoint
the, er...
82
00:06:31,472 --> 00:06:35,053
Counterpoint the surrealism of
the underlying metaphor of the, er...
83
00:06:35,905 --> 00:06:37,520
Humanity...
84
00:06:37,640 --> 00:06:39,366
- Vogonity.
- Vogonity, sorry!
85
00:06:39,486 --> 00:06:42,926
Of the poet's compassionate soul,
which strives
86
00:06:43,046 --> 00:06:48,884
through the verse structure
to sublimate this, transcend that,
87
00:06:49,004 --> 00:06:52,604
and one is left with a profound
and vivid insight into... into...
88
00:06:52,724 --> 00:06:57,715
Into whatever the poem was about.
That was very good.
89
00:06:58,666 --> 00:07:04,415
So, what you are saying
is that I just write poetry
90
00:07:04,535 --> 00:07:09,138
because underneath
my mean, callous, heartless exterior,
91
00:07:09,361 --> 00:07:11,920
I just want to be loved, is that it?
92
00:07:12,040 --> 00:07:18,500
Well, I mean, yes, don't we all,
deep down, underneath...?
93
00:07:19,381 --> 00:07:21,760
No! You're completely wrong.
94
00:07:22,351 --> 00:07:26,785
I write poetry just to throw
my mean, callous, heartless exterior
95
00:07:26,905 --> 00:07:30,155
into sharp relief. I'm going
to throw you off the ship anyway.
96
00:07:30,275 --> 00:07:36,520
Guard! Take the prisoners to
number 3 airlock and throw them out.
97
00:07:37,694 --> 00:07:40,040
This is great!
This is really terrific!
98
00:07:40,383 --> 00:07:42,461
Ow! Let go of me, you brute!
99
00:07:42,581 --> 00:07:44,726
Don't worry -
I'll think of something.
100
00:07:44,846 --> 00:07:47,800
Resistance is useless!
101
00:07:47,920 --> 00:07:49,059
What is all this, Ford?
102
00:07:49,179 --> 00:07:51,478
I woke up this morning,
thought I'd have a nice, relaxed day,
103
00:07:51,598 --> 00:07:53,380
do a bit of reading, brush the dog...
104
00:07:53,500 --> 00:07:57,242
It's 4.00 p.m. and I'm being
thrown out of an alien spaceship
105
00:07:57,362 --> 00:07:59,532
five light years from
the smoking remains of the Earth.
106
00:07:59,652 --> 00:08:02,453
Just stop panicking!
Who mentioned panicking?
107
00:08:02,573 --> 00:08:04,015
This is just culture shock.
108
00:08:04,450 --> 00:08:08,080
Wait till I settle! Then I'll panic!
109
00:08:08,200 --> 00:08:11,817
- Arthur, you're hysterical! Shut up!
- Resistance is useless!
110
00:08:11,937 --> 00:08:14,811
- And you!
- Resistance is useless!
111
00:08:14,931 --> 00:08:18,080
Give it a rest!
Do you enjoy this sort of thing?
112
00:08:18,392 --> 00:08:19,830
What do you mean?
113
00:08:19,950 --> 00:08:22,624
What I mean is-does it give you
a full, satisfying life?
114
00:08:23,141 --> 00:08:24,925
Full, satisfying life?
115
00:08:25,045 --> 00:08:30,080
Yeah, stomping around, shouting,
pushing people off spaceships.
116
00:08:30,546 --> 00:08:33,411
- Well, the hours are good.
- They'd have to be (!)
117
00:08:33,531 --> 00:08:36,182
- Ford, what are you doing?
- Shh!
118
00:08:36,793 --> 00:08:41,155
- So, the hours are good?
- Yeah. But now you mention it,
119
00:08:41,275 --> 00:08:44,044
most of the actual minutes
are pretty lousy.
120
00:08:44,164 --> 00:08:46,732
Except some of the shouting
I quite like.
121
00:08:46,852 --> 00:08:49,414
Resistance is...
122
00:08:49,534 --> 00:08:53,400
Sure, yes, you're good at that,
I can tell.
123
00:08:54,164 --> 00:08:58,765
But if the rest of it is so lousy,
why do you do it?
124
00:08:59,528 --> 00:09:00,760
The girls?
125
00:09:01,407 --> 00:09:04,120
The rubber? The machismo?
126
00:09:04,718 --> 00:09:09,099
I don't know, really.
I think I just sort of... do it.
127
00:09:09,219 --> 00:09:13,752
My aunt said that spaceship guard
was a good career for a young Vogon -
128
00:09:13,872 --> 00:09:18,888
you know, the uniform, the low-slung
stun-ray holster, mindless tedium...
129
00:09:19,008 --> 00:09:21,680
Ford, this guy's half-throttling me!
130
00:09:21,800 --> 00:09:24,794
Yeah,
but try and understand his problem.
131
00:09:24,914 --> 00:09:26,614
Here he is, poor guy,
132
00:09:26,734 --> 00:09:30,603
his entire life is stamping around,
pushing people off spaceships...
133
00:09:30,723 --> 00:09:33,562
- And shouting...
- Yeah, and shouting!
134
00:09:34,795 --> 00:09:37,636
And he doesn't even know
why he's doing it.
135
00:09:37,756 --> 00:09:40,196
Poignant, very poignant (!)
136
00:09:40,316 --> 00:09:43,085
- Now you've put it like that...
- Good lad.
137
00:09:43,205 --> 00:09:45,257
All right, but what's the alternative?
138
00:09:45,377 --> 00:09:49,594
Stop doing it! Tell them
you're not going to do it any more.
139
00:09:50,603 --> 00:09:52,240
Doesn't sound that great to me!
140
00:09:52,360 --> 00:09:54,971
That's just the start.
There's more than that...
141
00:09:55,091 --> 00:09:57,226
No, if it's all the same to you,
142
00:09:57,346 --> 00:10:00,120
I'll just get you two shoved out,
143
00:10:00,240 --> 00:10:05,279
and then get on with some other bits
of shouting. Resistance is useless!
144
00:10:05,399 --> 00:10:07,228
But come on... Now, look...
145
00:10:07,348 --> 00:10:08,906
Ow! Stop that!
146
00:10:09,469 --> 00:10:12,957
Hang on! There's music and art
and things to tell you about yet!
147
00:10:13,077 --> 00:10:16,392
I think I better stick
to what I know, thanks,
148
00:10:16,512 --> 00:10:18,142
but thanks for taking an interest.
149
00:10:18,262 --> 00:10:20,441
I've got a headache! I don't want
to go to heaven with a headache!
150
00:10:20,561 --> 00:10:22,232
I'll be all cross and won't enjoy it.
151
00:10:23,288 --> 00:10:29,152
There's a whole world you know
nothing about. How about this...?
152
00:10:31,841 --> 00:10:35,520
- Doesn't that stir anything in you?
...No.
153
00:10:36,843 --> 00:10:39,636
Bye. I'll tell my aunt what you said.
154
00:10:43,491 --> 00:10:45,135
Potentially bright lad, I thought.
155
00:10:50,376 --> 00:10:52,478
...Nah!
156
00:10:53,652 --> 00:10:57,360
- We're trapped now, aren't we?
- Yeah, we're trapped.
157
00:10:57,644 --> 00:10:59,272
Well, didn't you think of anything?
158
00:10:59,392 --> 00:11:01,468
- Yeah.
- What?
159
00:11:01,588 --> 00:11:04,661
Unfortunately, it involved being
on the other side of this hatchway.
160
00:11:06,152 --> 00:11:08,480
So that's it? We're going to die?
161
00:11:08,600 --> 00:11:09,239
Yeah.
162
00:11:11,344 --> 00:11:13,560
Except... no!
163
00:11:14,174 --> 00:11:16,960
Wait a minute! What's this switch?
164
00:11:17,080 --> 00:11:18,518
What? Where?
165
00:11:20,878 --> 00:11:24,353
No, I was only fooling.
We're going to die after all.
166
00:11:27,559 --> 00:11:29,200
You know, it's at times like this,
167
00:11:29,320 --> 00:11:31,838
when I'm stuck in a Vogon airlock
with a man from Betelgeuse
168
00:11:31,958 --> 00:11:33,852
and about to die of asphyxiation
in deep space,
169
00:11:33,972 --> 00:11:36,872
that I wish I'd listened
to what my mother told me.
170
00:11:36,992 --> 00:11:40,146
- Why? What did she tell you?
- I don't know... I didn't listen.
171
00:11:41,520 --> 00:11:42,553
Oh, terrific.
172
00:11:48,572 --> 00:11:52,564
"Counterpoint the surrealism
of the underlying metaphor"!
173
00:11:52,799 --> 00:11:54,307
Huh! Death's too good for them!
174
00:12:05,563 --> 00:12:09,661
'The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy
is a wholly remarkable book.
175
00:12:10,248 --> 00:12:12,233
'The introduction starts like this:
176
00:12:28,493 --> 00:12:29,820
'And so on...
177
00:12:30,513 --> 00:12:32,661
'After a while,
the style settles down a bit,
178
00:12:32,781 --> 00:12:35,729
'and it starts telling you things
you actually need to know,
179
00:12:35,964 --> 00:12:40,110
'like the fact that the fabulously
beautiful planet of Bethselamin...
180
00:12:40,230 --> 00:12:43,291
'is now so worried
about the cumulative erosion
181
00:12:43,411 --> 00:12:47,107
'caused by 10 billion tourists a year
182
00:12:47,227 --> 00:12:50,337
'that any net imbalance
between the amount you eat
183
00:12:50,457 --> 00:12:52,815
'and the amount you excrete
whilst on the planet
184
00:12:52,935 --> 00:12:56,326
'is surgically removed from
your body weight when you leave.'
185
00:13:01,232 --> 00:13:03,546
'So every time
you go to the lavatory there,
186
00:13:03,666 --> 00:13:06,868
'it's vitally important
to get a receipt.
187
00:13:09,029 --> 00:13:12,114
'In the entry in which it talks
about dying of asphyxiation
188
00:13:12,234 --> 00:13:15,073
'30 seconds after
being thrown out of a spaceship...
189
00:13:29,090 --> 00:13:35,920
'... which, amazingly, was also
the phone number of an Islington flat
190
00:13:36,135 --> 00:13:39,207
'where Arthur
once went to a very good party,
191
00:13:39,548 --> 00:13:41,368
'where he ate some very good food,
192
00:13:42,260 --> 00:13:46,640
'had some very good drinks
with some very good friends
193
00:13:46,760 --> 00:13:51,840
'and met a very nice girl whom
he totally failed to get off with.'
194
00:13:52,385 --> 00:13:53,891
Is this guy bothering you?
195
00:13:57,730 --> 00:13:59,879
'Though the planet Earth,
the Islington flat,
196
00:13:59,999 --> 00:14:02,703
'and the telephone
have all now been demolished...
197
00:14:02,823 --> 00:14:04,405
'it's comforting to reflect
198
00:14:04,525 --> 00:14:08,398
'that they are all in some small way
commemorated by the fact
199
00:14:08,518 --> 00:14:14,412
'that some 29 seconds later Arthur
and Ford were, in fact, rescued.'
200
00:14:16,196 --> 00:14:19,000
- Told you I'd think of something...
- Oh, sure (!)
201
00:14:19,415 --> 00:14:23,000
Bright idea of mine to find a passing
spaceship and get rescued by it.
202
00:14:23,120 --> 00:14:25,600
Come on! The chances against it
were astronomical.
203
00:14:25,720 --> 00:14:26,935
Don't knock it! It worked!
204
00:14:30,985 --> 00:14:32,253
Where the hell are we?
205
00:14:33,286 --> 00:14:36,421
Well, it looks like
the seafront at Southend.
206
00:14:37,149 --> 00:14:40,091
God, I'm relieved
to hear you say that!
207
00:14:40,211 --> 00:14:44,840
- I thought I must be going mad!
- Perhaps you only thought I said it.
208
00:14:46,150 --> 00:14:48,960
- Well, did you or didn't you?
- I think so.
209
00:14:49,924 --> 00:14:50,722
Perhaps we're both going mad.
210
00:14:52,201 --> 00:14:54,397
Nice day for it-sun...
211
00:14:55,184 --> 00:14:56,111
Sea...
212
00:14:57,535 --> 00:15:00,200
You know, if this is Southend,
there's something very odd about it.
213
00:15:01,081 --> 00:15:03,559
You mean the way
the sea stays steady as a rock...
214
00:15:03,841 --> 00:15:06,177
and the buildings
keep washing up and down?
215
00:15:08,512 --> 00:15:09,639
I thought that was odd.
216
00:15:09,759 --> 00:15:13,842
2 to the power of 100,000 to 1against and falling.
217
00:15:13,962 --> 00:15:16,558
What's that?
218
00:15:16,678 --> 00:15:18,554
It sounded like
a measurement of probability.
219
00:15:18,674 --> 00:15:20,116
What does it mean?
220
00:15:20,480 --> 00:15:24,609
I don't know. But I definitely think
we're on some kind of spaceship.
221
00:15:26,041 --> 00:15:28,920
Then, I can only assume we're not
in the first-class compartment (!)
222
00:15:30,376 --> 00:15:32,431
Southend seems to be melting away...
223
00:15:34,686 --> 00:15:38,440
The stars are swirling...
a dustbowl...
224
00:15:38,913 --> 00:15:40,080
snow...
225
00:15:41,924 --> 00:15:44,378
My leg's drifting off
into the sunset...
226
00:15:50,976 --> 00:15:52,702
My left arm's disappeared!
227
00:15:53,183 --> 00:15:55,626
How am I going to operate
my digital watch now?
228
00:15:57,046 --> 00:15:59,850
Ford, you're turning into a penguin!
Stop it!
229
00:16:00,978 --> 00:16:01,882
Qu-what?
230
00:16:06,073 --> 00:16:10,450
2 to the power of 75,000 to 1 against
and falling...
231
00:16:10,570 --> 00:16:14,310
Hey! Who are you? Where are you?
232
00:16:14,430 --> 00:16:17,518
What's going on?
And is there any way of stopping it?
233
00:16:17,638 --> 00:16:20,040
Relax. You are perfectly safe.
234
00:16:20,347 --> 00:16:22,214
That's not the point!
235
00:16:22,859 --> 00:16:25,854
The point is that
I am now a perfectly safe penguin
236
00:16:26,546 --> 00:16:29,697
and my colleague
is rapidly running out of limbs.
237
00:16:33,243 --> 00:16:36,660
Isn't there anything
you feel you ought to be telling us?
238
00:16:36,780 --> 00:16:39,431
Welcome to the starship
Heart of Gold.
239
00:16:39,658 --> 00:16:43,850
Please do not be alarmed by anything
you see or hear around you.
240
00:16:43,970 --> 00:16:46,627
You are bound to feel
some initial ill effects
241
00:16:46,747 --> 00:16:50,715
as you have been rescued from certain
death at an improbability level
242
00:16:50,835 --> 00:16:58,543
of 2 to the power of 260,199 to 1
against, possibly much higher.
243
00:16:58,825 --> 00:17:03,778
We are now cruising at a level of 2
to the power of 25,000 to 1 against
244
00:17:03,898 --> 00:17:07,440
and falling,
and we will be restoring normality
245
00:17:07,560 --> 00:17:12,960
as soon as we are sure what normal is.
Thank you. 2 to the power...
246
00:17:13,080 --> 00:17:14,768
Arthur, this is fantastic!
247
00:17:14,888 --> 00:17:18,183
We've been picked up by a ship with
the new Infinite Improbability Drive!
248
00:17:18,303 --> 00:17:20,440
This is incredible, Arthur...
249
00:17:21,729 --> 00:17:25,252
Arthur? What's happening?
250
00:17:27,048 --> 00:17:29,880
Ford, there's an infinite number
of monkeys out here
251
00:17:30,000 --> 00:17:32,914
who want to talk to us about this
script for Hamlet they've worked out.
252
00:17:37,704 --> 00:17:39,677
'The Infinite Improbability Drive
253
00:17:39,797 --> 00:17:43,079
'is a wonderful new method
of crossing interstellar distances
254
00:17:43,199 --> 00:17:47,577
'in a few seconds, without all that
tedious mucking about in hyperspace.
255
00:17:48,986 --> 00:17:52,866
'The principle of generating small
amounts of finite improbability,
256
00:17:52,986 --> 00:17:57,504
'by simply hooking the logic circuits
of a Bambleweeny 57 Sub-Meson Brain
257
00:17:57,624 --> 00:17:58,862
'to an atomic vector plotter,
258
00:17:58,982 --> 00:18:03,440
'suspended in a Brownian Motion
producer-say, a nice cup of tea -
259
00:18:03,560 --> 00:18:05,365
'had long been understood,
260
00:18:05,600 --> 00:18:08,769
'and such generators were often used
to break the ice at parties
261
00:18:08,889 --> 00:18:11,998
'by making all the molecules
in the hostess's undergarments
262
00:18:12,118 --> 00:18:14,769
'simultaneously leap
one foot to the left,
263
00:18:15,592 --> 00:18:18,586
'in accordance
with the theory of indeterminacy.
264
00:18:21,534 --> 00:18:25,888
'Many respectable physicists said
they wouldn't stand for such a thing,
265
00:18:26,008 --> 00:18:28,518
'partly because
it was a debasement of science,
266
00:18:28,638 --> 00:18:32,381
'but mostly because they didn't get
invited to those sort of parties.
267
00:18:33,567 --> 00:18:34,940
'Another thing they couldn't stand
268
00:18:35,060 --> 00:18:39,238
'was their perpetual failure
in trying to construct a machine
269
00:18:39,358 --> 00:18:42,481
'which could generate
the Infinite Improbability field
270
00:18:42,601 --> 00:18:46,520
'needed to flip a spaceship
between the furthest stars...
271
00:18:46,640 --> 00:18:47,534
'and, in the end,
272
00:18:47,654 --> 00:18:51,691
'they grumpily announced that such
a machine was virtually impossible.
273
00:18:55,316 --> 00:18:59,160
'Then, one evening, a student,
who had been left to sweep up the lab
274
00:18:59,280 --> 00:19:01,938
'after a particularly
unsuccessful party,
275
00:19:02,058 --> 00:19:04,029
'found himself reasoning this way...
276
00:19:04,576 --> 00:19:08,120
"'If such a machine
is a virtual impossibility,
277
00:19:08,240 --> 00:19:12,000
"'then it must, logically,
be a finite improbability.
278
00:19:12,120 --> 00:19:14,400
"'So all I have to do to make one
279
00:19:14,520 --> 00:19:17,219
"'is work out
exactly how improbable it is...
280
00:19:17,339 --> 00:19:21,270
"'feed that figure into
the finite improbability generator...
281
00:19:21,390 --> 00:19:25,074
"'give it a fresh cup
of really hot tea and turn it on."
282
00:19:27,589 --> 00:19:31,440
'The moment he did this,
he was rather startled to discover
283
00:19:31,560 --> 00:19:34,497
'that he had managed
to create the long sought-after
284
00:19:34,617 --> 00:19:38,325
'Infinite Improbability Generator
out of thin air.
285
00:19:47,841 --> 00:19:49,379
'It startled him even more
286
00:19:49,499 --> 00:19:53,242
'when, just after he was awarded
the Galactic Institute's prize
287
00:19:53,362 --> 00:19:54,604
'for extreme cleverness,
288
00:19:54,724 --> 00:19:58,960
'he got lynched by a rampaging mob
of respectable physicists
289
00:19:59,080 --> 00:20:00,636
'who had finally realised
290
00:20:00,756 --> 00:20:04,474
'the one thing they really
couldn't stand was a smartass!'
291
00:20:10,775 --> 00:20:13,600
5 to 1 against and falling.
292
00:20:14,051 --> 00:20:17,160
4 to 1 against and falling.
293
00:20:17,468 --> 00:20:19,120
3 to 1...
294
00:20:19,360 --> 00:20:21,840
2... 1...
295
00:20:21,960 --> 00:20:24,880
Probability factor of 1 to 1.
296
00:20:25,000 --> 00:20:29,960
We have normality.
I repeat-we have normality.
297
00:20:30,080 --> 00:20:33,397
Anything you still can't cope with is,
therefore, your own problem.
298
00:20:33,517 --> 00:20:37,671
- Who are they, Trillian?
- A couple of guys we picked up.
299
00:20:38,035 --> 00:20:43,280
Sector ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha.
300
00:20:43,400 --> 00:20:45,913
That's very sweet, Trillian,
301
00:20:46,033 --> 00:20:48,040
but do you really think it's wise?
302
00:20:48,160 --> 00:20:50,520
We're on the run and everything,
303
00:20:50,640 --> 00:20:52,650
we've got the police
of half the Galaxy after us,
304
00:20:52,770 --> 00:20:54,455
and we pick up hitchhikers.
305
00:20:54,575 --> 00:20:59,240
10 out of 10 for style, but minus
several million for thinking.
306
00:20:59,360 --> 00:21:03,640
They were floating in open space.
You didn't want them to die, did you?
307
00:21:03,760 --> 00:21:05,480
Not as such...
308
00:21:05,600 --> 00:21:07,680
A second later, they'd have died.
309
00:21:08,301 --> 00:21:11,682
So if you'd thought about it a moment
longer, it would've gone away, right?
310
00:21:11,802 --> 00:21:15,530
Anyway, I didn't pick them up.
The ship did-all by itself.
311
00:21:18,456 --> 00:21:20,600
- Hey, what?
- Hey, what?
312
00:21:20,720 --> 00:21:23,440
- The ship picked them up by itself.
- So what?
313
00:21:24,028 --> 00:21:27,304
The ship...
Oh, forget it and go back to sleep!
314
00:21:31,215 --> 00:21:34,007
We picked them up while we were
in Infinite Improbability Drive.
315
00:21:34,127 --> 00:21:38,463
- But that's incredible!
- No, just very, very improbable.
316
00:21:38,583 --> 00:21:41,917
Don't worry about the aliens.
Just a couple of guys, I expect.
317
00:21:42,152 --> 00:21:45,675
I'll send the robot down
to check them out. Marvin?
318
00:21:53,267 --> 00:21:57,351
I think you ought to know
I'm feeling very depressed.
319
00:21:57,471 --> 00:21:58,407
Oh, God!
320
00:21:58,527 --> 00:22:01,213
Here's something
to take your mind off things.
321
00:22:01,333 --> 00:22:05,760
It won't work.
I have an exceptionally large mind.
322
00:22:05,995 --> 00:22:06,829
Marvin!
323
00:22:07,357 --> 00:22:10,840
All right. What do you want me to do?
324
00:22:11,079 --> 00:22:15,677
Go down to number 3 entry bay
and bring the two aliens up here.
325
00:22:18,225 --> 00:22:20,327
Just that?
326
00:22:21,231 --> 00:22:23,685
- Yes.
- I won't enjoy it.
327
00:22:23,805 --> 00:22:26,221
Just do it!
328
00:22:26,820 --> 00:22:28,600
All right! I'll do it.
329
00:22:28,840 --> 00:22:31,320
Good. Great. Thank you.
330
00:22:32,147 --> 00:22:34,730
I'm not getting you down at all,
am I?
331
00:22:34,850 --> 00:22:37,437
No, no, Marvin,
that's just fine, really.
332
00:22:37,557 --> 00:22:39,821
I wouldn't like to think
I was getting you down.
333
00:22:39,941 --> 00:22:41,347
No, don't worry about that.
334
00:22:41,467 --> 00:22:44,647
You just act naturally
and everything will be fine.
335
00:22:44,905 --> 00:22:48,388
- You're sure you don't mind?
- No, no. It's just part of life.
336
00:22:48,752 --> 00:22:53,343
Life! Don't talk to me about life!
337
00:22:55,997 --> 00:22:59,651
I don't think I can stand that robot
much longer, Zaphod.
338
00:23:00,884 --> 00:23:04,360
'The Encyclopaedia Galactica
defines a robot
339
00:23:04,480 --> 00:23:08,615
'as a mechanical apparatus
designed to do the work of a man.
340
00:23:11,515 --> 00:23:15,061
'The Marketing Division of
the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation
341
00:23:15,181 --> 00:23:19,620
'defines a robot as:
342
00:23:24,681 --> 00:23:26,580
'The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy
343
00:23:26,700 --> 00:23:31,056
'defines the Marketing Division of
the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation:
344
00:23:44,973 --> 00:23:48,425
'Curiously enough, an edition
of the Encyclopaedia Galactica
345
00:23:48,545 --> 00:23:51,992
'that fell through a time warp
from 1,000 years in the future
346
00:23:52,112 --> 00:23:56,021
'defines the Marketing Division
of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation
347
00:23:56,141 --> 00:23:58,366
'as "A bunch of mindless jerks
348
00:23:58,486 --> 00:24:01,881
"'who were the first against the wall
when the revolution came."'
349
00:24:07,791 --> 00:24:10,186
I think
this ship is brand-new, Arthur.
350
00:24:10,306 --> 00:24:12,800
Have you got some exotic device
for measuring the age of metal?
351
00:24:12,920 --> 00:24:15,521
No. I just found this sales brochure.
352
00:24:15,641 --> 00:24:19,200
"The Universe can be yours for a mere
five quilliard Altairian dollars."
353
00:24:19,320 --> 00:24:19,856
Cheap?
354
00:24:19,976 --> 00:24:23,972
A quilliard is a whole page of
noughts with a one at the beginning.
355
00:24:24,430 --> 00:24:27,424
Ah, this is what I was after!
356
00:24:27,764 --> 00:24:31,075
"Sensational new breakthrough
in improbability physics.
357
00:24:31,522 --> 00:24:34,417
"As the ship's drive
reaches Infinite Improbability,
358
00:24:34,537 --> 00:24:38,494
"it passes through every point
in the Universe.
359
00:24:38,614 --> 00:24:43,575
"Be the envy
of other major governments." Wow!
360
00:24:43,695 --> 00:24:47,360
It's a whole lot better
than that dingy Vogon crate!
361
00:24:47,922 --> 00:24:49,766
This is my idea of a spaceship,
362
00:24:50,960 --> 00:24:54,920
all gleaming metal,
flashing lights, everything...
363
00:24:55,398 --> 00:24:59,800
- What happens if I press this?
- Don't!
364
00:25:01,858 --> 00:25:02,609
Oh!
365
00:25:04,042 --> 00:25:04,760
What happened?
366
00:25:04,880 --> 00:25:07,819
A sign lit up saying, "Please
do not press this button again."
367
00:25:14,045 --> 00:25:16,264
They make a big thing
of the ship's cybernetics.
368
00:25:16,874 --> 00:25:19,776
"A new generation of Sirius
Cybernetics Corporation computers
369
00:25:19,896 --> 00:25:21,840
"and robots
with the new GPP feature."
370
00:25:21,960 --> 00:25:23,498
GPP? What's that?
371
00:25:23,618 --> 00:25:28,800
- Genuine People Personalities.
- Sounds ghastly.
372
00:25:29,178 --> 00:25:30,400
It is.
373
00:25:32,118 --> 00:25:32,760
What?
374
00:25:33,081 --> 00:25:37,000
It all is. Absolutely ghastly.
375
00:25:37,351 --> 00:25:39,880
Just don't even talk about it.
376
00:25:40,514 --> 00:25:42,146
Look at this door.
377
00:25:42,663 --> 00:25:47,280
"All the doors in this spacecraft
have a cheerful, sunny disposition.
378
00:25:47,515 --> 00:25:50,025
"It is their pleasure to open for you
379
00:25:50,145 --> 00:25:52,246
"and their satisfaction
to close again
380
00:25:52,366 --> 00:25:55,134
"with the knowledge
of a job well done."
381
00:25:55,254 --> 00:25:57,991
Glad to be of service.
382
00:25:58,111 --> 00:26:00,116
Hateful, isn't it?
383
00:26:01,607 --> 00:26:05,822
Come on. I've been ordered
to take you up to the bridge.
384
00:26:06,245 --> 00:26:09,560
Here I am,
brain the size of a planet,
385
00:26:09,680 --> 00:26:12,960
and they tell me
to take you up to the bridge.
386
00:26:13,924 --> 00:26:17,916
Call that job satisfaction?
'Cause I don't!
387
00:26:18,838 --> 00:26:22,757
- Which government owns this ship?
- Watch this door.
388
00:26:22,877 --> 00:26:24,767
It's about to open again.
389
00:26:25,049 --> 00:26:29,680
I can tell by the intolerable air
of smugness it suddenly generates.
390
00:26:29,800 --> 00:26:32,680
Enjoy your trip through this door!
391
00:26:32,800 --> 00:26:34,422
Come on.
392
00:26:39,770 --> 00:26:41,755
Thank you!
393
00:26:41,875 --> 00:26:43,258
Thank you very much,
394
00:26:43,378 --> 00:26:48,721
the Marketing Division of the
Sirius Cybernetics Corporation (!)
395
00:26:52,068 --> 00:26:54,451
Excuse me... Which government...?
396
00:26:54,571 --> 00:27:00,480
"Let's build robots with Genuine
People Personalities," they said,
397
00:27:01,583 --> 00:27:03,870
so they tried it out with me.
398
00:27:04,448 --> 00:27:09,279
I'm a personality prototype...
You can tell, can't you?
399
00:27:09,399 --> 00:27:11,937
- Which govern...?
- I hate that door.
400
00:27:13,733 --> 00:27:16,000
I'm not getting you down, am I?
401
00:27:16,120 --> 00:27:17,617
Which government owns this...?
402
00:27:17,737 --> 00:27:21,680
No government owns it.
It's been stolen.
403
00:27:22,502 --> 00:27:25,192
- Stolen?
- Stolen?
404
00:27:25,484 --> 00:27:27,964
- Who by?
- Zaphod Beeblebrox.
405
00:27:28,084 --> 00:27:33,160
- Zaphod Beeblebrox?!
- Sorry, did I say something wrong?
406
00:27:33,280 --> 00:27:34,837
Pardon me for breathing,
407
00:27:34,957 --> 00:27:38,383
which I never do anyway, so I don't
know why I bother to say it.
408
00:27:38,503 --> 00:27:41,882
Oh, God, I'm so depressed!
409
00:27:43,491 --> 00:27:46,755
Here's another
of those self-satisfied doors!
410
00:27:47,143 --> 00:27:51,974
Life! Don't talk to me about life!
411
00:27:52,338 --> 00:27:54,156
No one even mentioned it!
412
00:27:54,276 --> 00:27:56,840
Glad to be of service.
413
00:27:56,960 --> 00:28:00,017
Really, Zaphod Beeblebrox...!
414
00:28:01,653 --> 00:28:03,811
... Reports brought to youhere on the sub-etha waveband,
415
00:28:03,931 --> 00:28:06,500
broadcasting around the Galaxy, around the clock.
416
00:28:06,620 --> 00:28:09,751
We'll be saying a big hello to all
intelligent lifeforms everywhere.
417
00:28:09,871 --> 00:28:14,049
And to everyone else, the secret
is bang the rocks together, guys.
418
00:28:14,169 --> 00:28:16,985
The big story tonight
is the sensational theft
419
00:28:17,105 --> 00:28:21,651
of the Improbability prototype ship,
by none other than Zaphod Beeblebrox.
420
00:28:21,771 --> 00:28:23,479
And the question everyone's asking -
421
00:28:23,599 --> 00:28:25,838
has the big Zee finally flipped?
422
00:28:25,958 --> 00:28:29,138
Beeblebrox, inventor of
the Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster,
423
00:28:29,258 --> 00:28:32,347
ex-confidence trickster,
part-time Galactic President,
424
00:28:32,467 --> 00:28:38,535
described by Eccentrica Gallumbitsas "The best bang since the big one",
425
00:28:38,655 --> 00:28:42,071
and recently voted the worst-dressed
sentient being in the Universe
426
00:28:42,191 --> 00:28:43,621
for the seventh time running...
427
00:28:43,741 --> 00:28:49,151
Has he got an answer? We asked his
brain care specialist Gag Halfrunt.
428
00:28:49,820 --> 00:28:53,166
Well, Zaphod's just zis guy,
you know...
429
00:28:55,127 --> 00:28:57,414
Beeblebrox stolethe Improbability Drive Ship
430
00:28:57,534 --> 00:28:59,941
when he was meantto be launching it...
431
00:29:01,582 --> 00:29:04,553
- Hey, kid, what'd you do that for?
- I just thought of something.
432
00:29:04,673 --> 00:29:07,007
Worth interrupting
a bulletin about me for?
433
00:29:07,127 --> 00:29:09,508
Can we leave your ego out of this?
This is important.
434
00:29:09,628 --> 00:29:13,384
If there's anything more important
than my ego around, I want it shot!
435
00:29:13,504 --> 00:29:18,000
- We picked up the couple of guys...
- What couple of guys?
436
00:29:18,120 --> 00:29:21,111
- The couple of guys we picked up!
- Oh, yeah. Those couple of guys.
437
00:29:21,231 --> 00:29:27,880
We picked them up
in Sector ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha.
438
00:29:28,000 --> 00:29:30,560
- Yeah!
- Does that mean anything to you?
439
00:29:30,680 --> 00:29:33,905
- Sector ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha!
- Well?
440
00:29:35,936 --> 00:29:37,320
What does the Z mean?
441
00:29:37,440 --> 00:29:39,095
- Which one?
- Any one.
442
00:29:40,034 --> 00:29:42,735
Would you mind
looking at the Galactic charts?
443
00:29:42,855 --> 00:29:46,560
Hey, that's wild!
444
00:29:46,680 --> 00:29:51,323
We should have zapped right into the
Horsehead Nebula. That is nowhere!
445
00:29:51,443 --> 00:29:52,943
Improbability Drive.
446
00:29:53,063 --> 00:29:55,903
We pass through every point
in the Universe!
447
00:29:56,023 --> 00:29:58,157
Yeah, but actually
picking those dudes up there
448
00:29:58,277 --> 00:30:02,102
is just too wild a coincidence.
I want to work this out. Computer!
449
00:30:02,222 --> 00:30:08,108
Hi, there. Whatever your problem, I am here to help you solve it.
450
00:30:08,228 --> 00:30:11,800
- Shut up and work something out.
- A probability forecast based on...
451
00:30:11,920 --> 00:30:13,200
Improbability data!
452
00:30:13,320 --> 00:30:18,400
OK. Did you know most people's livesare governed by telephone numbers?
453
00:30:18,520 --> 00:30:20,508
Telephone numbers?
454
00:30:26,005 --> 00:30:30,488
I've got this terrible pain
in all the diodes down my left side.
455
00:30:30,608 --> 00:30:31,394
Really?
456
00:30:31,514 --> 00:30:34,758
Oh, yes. I mean,
I've asked for them to be replaced,
457
00:30:34,878 --> 00:30:36,907
but no one ever listens.
458
00:30:37,588 --> 00:30:39,020
I can imagine.
459
00:30:41,885 --> 00:30:45,080
Well, well, well, Zaphod Beeblebrox!
460
00:30:45,324 --> 00:30:49,445
I don't believe it!
This is just too amazing!
461
00:30:49,565 --> 00:30:51,840
Trillian! Trillian?
462
00:30:52,838 --> 00:30:55,644
Oh, this is going to be great!
463
00:30:56,172 --> 00:31:01,221
I'm going to be so amazingly cool
it would fluster a Vegan snow lizard!
464
00:31:01,341 --> 00:31:05,200
What real cool! Several million
points out of ten for style!
465
00:31:06,087 --> 00:31:10,573
Right, which is the most
nonchalant chair to be discovered in?
466
00:31:13,217 --> 00:31:16,200
Glad to be of service.
467
00:31:23,511 --> 00:31:27,000
I suppose
you'll want to see the aliens now.
468
00:31:27,120 --> 00:31:32,336
Do you want me to rust in a corner
or fall apart where I'm standing?
469
00:31:32,456 --> 00:31:34,120
Show them in.
470
00:31:34,240 --> 00:31:36,762
Thank you.
471
00:31:39,251 --> 00:31:44,323
Ford, hi. How are you?
Glad you could drop in.
472
00:31:45,919 --> 00:31:48,761
Oh, hi, Zaphod, great to see you.
You're looking well.
473
00:31:48,984 --> 00:31:54,103
The extra arm suits you. Hey, this is
a great ship you've stolen!
474
00:31:54,223 --> 00:31:58,240
Ford, you mean
you know this person... s?
475
00:31:58,709 --> 00:32:01,949
Know him? He's my...
Oh, hey, Zaphod...
476
00:32:02,290 --> 00:32:06,280
This is my friend - Arthur Dent.
I saved him when his planet blew up.
477
00:32:06,400 --> 00:32:08,880
Hi, Arthur. Glad you could make it.
478
00:32:09,123 --> 00:32:10,984
- This is...
- We've met!
479
00:32:11,795 --> 00:32:12,605
What?
480
00:32:13,849 --> 00:32:16,303
Oh, er, have we?
481
00:32:17,290 --> 00:32:19,028
Hey!
482
00:32:23,905 --> 00:32:26,031
What do you mean-met?
483
00:32:27,017 --> 00:32:29,459
This is Zaphod Beeblebrox
from Betelgeuse 5, you know,
484
00:32:29,579 --> 00:32:31,679
not bloody Martin Smith from Croydon.
485
00:32:31,799 --> 00:32:34,591
I don't care.
We've met, haven't we, Zaphod?
486
00:32:36,305 --> 00:32:39,217
- Or should I say... Phil?
- What?
487
00:32:40,121 --> 00:32:44,927
- At a party six months ago.
- Hey, I really doubt that...
488
00:32:45,503 --> 00:32:48,356
On Earth, England,
489
00:32:48,760 --> 00:32:51,040
London, Islington.
490
00:32:51,160 --> 00:32:55,720
- Oh, hey, yeah! That party?
- What?
491
00:32:55,840 --> 00:32:58,520
You mean you've been to that
miserable little planet as well?
492
00:32:58,640 --> 00:33:00,755
I may have dropped in
on my way somewhere.
493
00:33:00,875 --> 00:33:03,280
At this party was a girl I was after.
494
00:33:03,620 --> 00:33:05,966
Beautiful, charming,
devastatingly intelligent...
495
00:33:06,086 --> 00:33:08,103
everything
I'd been saving myself up for.
496
00:33:08,373 --> 00:33:12,788
Along comes your friend and says,
"Hey, doll! Is this guy boring you?"
497
00:33:12,908 --> 00:33:16,640
"Why don't you talk to me?
I'm from a different planet."
498
00:33:16,930 --> 00:33:19,898
- Zaphod?
- He only had two arms and one head,
499
00:33:20,018 --> 00:33:21,838
and called himself Phil, but...
500
00:33:21,958 --> 00:33:25,600
But you must admit,
he was from another planet!
501
00:33:25,869 --> 00:33:27,665
Good heavens! Tricia McMillan!
502
00:33:27,785 --> 00:33:32,474
- Trillian to you.
- Infinity minus 1.
503
00:33:32,594 --> 00:33:34,280
- For my next trick...
- Shut up!
504
00:33:35,905 --> 00:33:36,920
What are you doing here?
505
00:33:37,040 --> 00:33:39,075
Same as you. I hitched a lift.
506
00:33:39,195 --> 00:33:42,333
With a degree in maths
and another in astrophysics,
507
00:33:42,453 --> 00:33:45,000
it was either that
or back to the dole on Monday.
508
00:33:45,120 --> 00:33:47,300
Oh, God! Ford, this is Trillian.
509
00:33:47,420 --> 00:33:49,487
Hi! Trillian, my semi-cousin, Ford,
510
00:33:49,607 --> 00:33:51,589
who shares three
of the same mothers as me.
511
00:33:51,709 --> 00:33:55,350
Is this sort of thing going to
happen every time we use the Drive?
512
00:33:55,470 --> 00:33:57,652
Very probably, I'm afraid.
513
00:33:58,180 --> 00:34:02,830
Zaphod Beeblebrox,
this is a very large drink. Hi.
43321
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