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00:00:05,499 --> 00:00:06,498
- Night, Michelle.
2
00:00:06,499 --> 00:00:09,498
Bob saget.
America's funniest home videos.
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00:00:09,499 --> 00:00:11,498
[Upbeat funky music]
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[Woman moans]
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00:00:13,499 --> 00:00:14,498
Oh, my God.
6
00:00:14,499 --> 00:00:17,498
Male announcer: This is
the comedy central roast
7
00:00:17,499 --> 00:00:19,498
of Bob saget
8
00:00:19,499 --> 00:00:22,498
with your roastmaster
John stamos
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00:00:22,499 --> 00:00:25,498
and roasters susie essman,
10
00:00:25,499 --> 00:00:27,498
Jeff garlin,
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00:00:27,499 --> 00:00:29,498
Greg giraldo,
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00:00:29,499 --> 00:00:31,498
Gilbert gottfried,
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00:00:31,499 --> 00:00:33,498
cloris leachman,
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00:00:33,499 --> 00:00:35,498
jon lovitz,
15
00:00:35,499 --> 00:00:38,498
norm MacDonald,
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00:00:38,499 --> 00:00:40,498
Jim Norton,
17
00:00:40,499 --> 00:00:41,498
Brian posehn,
18
00:00:41,499 --> 00:00:43,498
and Jeffrey Ross
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00:00:43,499 --> 00:00:45,498
with special appearances
by Lewis black,
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00:00:45,499 --> 00:00:49,166
Sarah silverman,
and don rickles.
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00:00:49,167 --> 00:00:52,498
The comedy centralroast of Bob saget.
22
00:00:52,499 --> 00:00:57,498
And now please welcome
your roastmaster, John stamos.
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[Cheers and applause]
24
00:01:14,499 --> 00:01:16,499
- Thank you.
25
00:01:20,499 --> 00:01:22,498
Tonight we're here
to pay tribute to an actor,
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an author, director,
humanitarian,
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and incomparable showbiz whore.
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I'm talking, of course,
about Bob saget.
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[Cheers and applause]
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00:01:39,499 --> 00:01:42,498
Now, if you younger viewers
are tuning in
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to watch Uncle Jesse
help Danny Tanner
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find a tender way to solve
one of Michelle's problems,
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go fuck yourself.
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00:01:56,499 --> 00:01:57,498
So the good news is,
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we're here
to bust saget's balls.
36
00:02:01,499 --> 00:02:02,498
The bad news is,
37
00:02:02,499 --> 00:02:07,498
it's yet another show
starring Bob saget,
38
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which means it won't be funny,
39
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and it'll go on
for fucking ever.
40
00:02:14,499 --> 00:02:16,498
Now, let's take a look back
at what Bob thought
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made people laugh.
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- You're now about to witness
the strength of Bob saget.
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Bob saget.
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- Bob the comic, ladies!
45
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Let's bring him back out!
46
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- ♪ Bob saget, bitch,
you better ask someone ♪
47
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- ♪ who you rolling with?
- ♪ Bob, Bob saget
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♪ numero uno
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♪ nobody does it better
- ♪ who you rolling with?
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- Hey.
- Hey, Bob saget.
51
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- Hey-oh!
52
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- Oh, your dick is so big!
53
00:02:40,499 --> 00:02:42,498
- ♪ I got a cock like a donkey,
hard as a rock ♪
54
00:02:42,499 --> 00:02:44,498
♪ and a trigger finger
itchier than chicken pox ♪
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- Come on, grandpa.
56
00:02:45,499 --> 00:02:47,498
We want to watch
Terrance and Phillip.
57
00:02:47,499 --> 00:02:49,498
- No, we're gonna watch
the Bob saget show.
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00:02:49,499 --> 00:02:52,498
- Hello and welcome to America'sfunniest home videos.
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Gee, my name is granny,
and I'm falling on my Fanny.
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00:02:56,499 --> 00:02:58,498
- [Laughs]
- This guy sucks!
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00:02:58,499 --> 00:03:00,498
- Yeah, he's almost as bad
as that guy on full house.
62
00:03:00,499 --> 00:03:02,498
- You are full house daddy-dad?
63
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- I was the full house
daddy-dad.
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The girls just mean
so much to me.
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- It's cool, cool, cool.
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- And now we're gonna do
what daddy always does.
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Suck dick for coke.
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- I seen him!
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- Little bitch Kimmy gibbler.
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I feel bad I banged her.
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- You know how that feels,
Mr. t.
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- So they're all
fucking each other, right?
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All of a sudden,
the kid can't take it.
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Diarrhea starts squirting
out of his ass.
75
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It's like a hemorrhaging
shit ass.
76
00:03:27,499 --> 00:03:29,498
- You know what an ass shot
of America's favorite dad
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is going for these days?
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00:03:30,499 --> 00:03:32,498
What the fuck happened
to Mr. Tanner?
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00:03:32,499 --> 00:03:33,498
What the fuck?
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00:03:33,499 --> 00:03:35,498
- ♪ 'Cause I'm a pimp,
they see me rolling through ♪
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- Oh my God.
82
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- Hot 19-year-olds
or 20-year-olds
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are attracted to you.
84
00:03:40,499 --> 00:03:43,498
- Why don't you show me
your room, baby?
85
00:03:43,499 --> 00:03:45,498
- Did you just get cock blocked
by Bob saget?
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- You don't exploit that,
obviously,
87
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in your personal life.
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- I have met--
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- [laughs]
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- ♪ Bob saget
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- thanks a lot.
Good night, boys.
92
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Excuse me.
93
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I've got to go
to my nuclear physics class.
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Oh, you know what?
I got to go on.
95
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I'm sorry.
I got people to entertain.
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- Who the fuck was that guy?
97
00:04:01,499 --> 00:04:03,498
- ♪ The illest motherfucker
in a cardigan sweater ♪
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- Night, Michelle.
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[Cheers and applause]
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- Please welcome
our guest of honor,
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the luckiest man
and the worst entertainer
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in the history of show business,
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he's a huge asshole
and one of my best friends,
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Bob saget!
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[Cheers and applause]
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[Goat bleats]
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[Cheers and applause]
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- Hey, call me.
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- Bob, I was with you
for 192 episodes of full house,
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and I can honestly say
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00:05:03,499 --> 00:05:06,498
you don't have a funny bone
in your body,
112
00:05:06,499 --> 00:05:07,498
unless, of course,
you count the one time
113
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you sat on Dave coulier's cock.
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And by "sat on,"
I mean hungrily backed into.
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00:05:24,499 --> 00:05:27,499
And by "one time,"
I mean eight seasons.
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You know, the whole time
Bob and I were doing full house,
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he was also hosting
America's funniest home videos.
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He did that show for so long,
he can't get a boner
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unless a six-year-old boy
whacks his balls
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with a wiffle bat.
121
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What a tough gig
that must've been, huh?
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His entire job
consisted of saying,
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"take a look at this,"
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which is what he used to say
to Mary-Kate Olsen
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in her dressing room.
126
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Bob's last hbo special
was called that ain't right.
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Should have been called
that ain't watchable.
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That was the most pathetic
piece of shit I ever seen.
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And need I remind you, I did
eight seasons of full house.
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Bob, you're
an undeniable success,
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deserving of the millions
of dollars
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you lost in the divorce.
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Bob, you are a class act.
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And you've been there for me
through the good times and bad,
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and I'm so flattered
that you asked me
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to be the roastmaster
this evening.
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I think this is gonna be
a great night for you.
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I hope you have the time
of your life, buddy.
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- Thank you.
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[Cheers and applause]
141
00:06:38,499 --> 00:06:40,498
- Enough of this sappy shit.
142
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Let's get on this
with this train wreck, shall we?
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He's back again
making his annual disappearance.
144
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Please welcome
the unknown comic,
145
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one of my favorites,
Greg giraldo.
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[Cheers and applause]
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- Thank you.
Thank you, everybody.
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John stamos.
Isn't he/she great?
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00:07:02,499 --> 00:07:05,498
John played the bongos
in a beach boys video
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00:07:05,499 --> 00:07:07,498
wearing a pink tank top.
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00:07:07,499 --> 00:07:09,498
That couldn't have been
any gayer
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if George Michael
was on your lap
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stuffing crystal meth
up your ass
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with Rupert Everett's fist.
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You're on er now, John.
Congratulations.
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You're like
susie essman's vagina.
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You're almost useless,
but somehow you keep working.
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John was married
to my favorite supermodel,
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Rebecca romijn O'Connell.
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Jesus.
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Holy.
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John, you--
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John, you lost your wife
to the fat kid
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from stand by me.
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Holy shit.
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Look at you,
you greasy Greek bastard.
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I look at you and I wonder,
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how can there be
an energy crisis?
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We shouldn't be drilling
in Alaska.
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We should be wringing out
your family's pillowcases.
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00:08:04,499 --> 00:08:08,375
Norm MacDonald is here,
one of the funniest people ever.
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00:08:08,376 --> 00:08:09,498
Norm's got
a giant gambling problem.
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He's dropped more coin
in a casino
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than Michael j. Fox
at a parking meter.
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It's a fucking roast.
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Groany-groan-groan.
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Brian posehn, look at him,
that giant fucking ghoul.
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We've all seen you shirtless
on the Sarah silverman show.
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It's hard to believe
you could be so out of shape
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considering how often
the townspeople
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must chase you around
with torches.
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The great cloris leachman,
of course, is here.
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Cloris leachman, yup.
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[Cheers and applause]
185
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Cloris is so old
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she lost her virginity
to a druid.
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What are you doing here, cloris?
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You're the only person
with any talent.
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You won an Oscar and nine emmys.
190
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When it comes to winning awards,
191
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you've been more voracious
than jon lovitz
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at an all the dick
you can eat buffet.
193
00:09:04,499 --> 00:09:07,499
Jon lovitz,
you fucking gay weeble.
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00:09:11,499 --> 00:09:13,498
Come on, jon, there hasn't been
a more effeminate Jew
195
00:09:13,499 --> 00:09:16,499
in the closet
since Anne Frank.
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00:09:23,499 --> 00:09:25,498
Susie essman, look at you.
You're a mess.
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You're like screech with tits.
198
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I guess cloris leachman is here
to make you seem fuckable.
199
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Gilbert gottfried's here.
Gilbert recently had a baby.
200
00:09:38,499 --> 00:09:39,498
Who would fuck you?
201
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You have the sex appeal
of a school bus fire.
202
00:09:46,499 --> 00:09:47,498
Which brings me
to the man of the hour,
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Bob saget, everybody, huh?
204
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Bob saget.
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[Cheers and applause]
206
00:09:53,499 --> 00:09:55,498
Bob--
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00:09:55,499 --> 00:10:00,498
Bob, you are a genital wart
on the cock of American culture.
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00:10:00,499 --> 00:10:04,498
Seriously, who gives a shit
about Bob saget?
209
00:10:04,499 --> 00:10:07,498
With your long neck,
pointy beak, and granny glasses,
210
00:10:07,499 --> 00:10:11,498
you're like
the vlasic pickle stork.
211
00:10:11,499 --> 00:10:13,498
Except instead
of delivering babies,
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you're not funny.
213
00:10:19,499 --> 00:10:20,498
You're like
my seven-year-old son.
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00:10:20,499 --> 00:10:22,498
You think cursing is hilarious,
215
00:10:22,499 --> 00:10:23,498
and you're not surprised
your dick
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00:10:23,499 --> 00:10:27,498
is the same size it was
in the first grade.
217
00:10:27,499 --> 00:10:29,498
And where the hell
are the Olsen twins?
218
00:10:29,499 --> 00:10:31,498
The olsens
are like tom green's testicles.
219
00:10:31,499 --> 00:10:34,498
They look the same, but one
is fake and empty inside,
220
00:10:34,499 --> 00:10:38,498
and the other one's been licked
by heath ledger.
221
00:10:38,499 --> 00:10:42,498
He'd be cool with it, fuckers.
222
00:10:42,499 --> 00:10:44,498
I read an interview
where you referred to yourself
223
00:10:44,499 --> 00:10:45,498
as an artist.
224
00:10:45,499 --> 00:10:47,498
Are you fucking kidding me?
225
00:10:47,499 --> 00:10:48,498
As an artist?
226
00:10:48,499 --> 00:10:50,498
You used the phrase,
"as an artist"?
227
00:10:50,499 --> 00:10:53,498
You are a vortex
of artistic compromise.
228
00:10:53,499 --> 00:10:58,498
Charlie sheen watches you
and feels good about himself.
229
00:10:58,499 --> 00:10:59,498
You--
230
00:10:59,499 --> 00:11:00,498
you are an artist
in the same way
231
00:11:00,499 --> 00:11:03,499
cloris leachman is moist.
232
00:11:06,499 --> 00:11:09,498
[No audible dialogue]
233
00:11:09,499 --> 00:11:10,498
You're not an artist, Bob,
234
00:11:10,499 --> 00:11:13,498
and stop enjoying
your ironic hipness
235
00:11:13,499 --> 00:11:14,498
that's going on
with you these days.
236
00:11:14,499 --> 00:11:16,498
You're not cool.
237
00:11:16,499 --> 00:11:17,498
Stop trying to be hip.
238
00:11:17,499 --> 00:11:20,498
At one point in your act,
you actually say,
239
00:11:20,499 --> 00:11:22,498
"who's your daddy?
Say my name.
240
00:11:22,499 --> 00:11:24,498
Look me in the eye.
True that."
241
00:11:24,499 --> 00:11:26,498
Holy fuck.
242
00:11:26,499 --> 00:11:28,498
I couldn't cringe any harder
if I watched my mom
243
00:11:28,499 --> 00:11:29,499
in a bukakke video.
244
00:11:33,499 --> 00:11:35,498
I'm done being mean, Bob.
I've met you a bunch of times.
245
00:11:35,499 --> 00:11:38,498
You've always been hilarious
and super cool,
246
00:11:38,499 --> 00:11:40,498
and everybody that knows you
loves and respects you.
247
00:11:40,499 --> 00:11:42,498
Nobody ever has a bad thing
to say about you,
248
00:11:42,499 --> 00:11:45,498
and that's
particularly surprising,
249
00:11:45,499 --> 00:11:47,498
because you're Jewish,
250
00:11:47,499 --> 00:11:49,498
and you're obnoxious people.
251
00:11:49,499 --> 00:11:50,498
Thanks a lot
for letting me do this.
252
00:11:50,499 --> 00:11:51,498
Thank you.
253
00:11:51,499 --> 00:11:54,499
[Cheers and applause]
254
00:12:00,499 --> 00:12:01,498
- Greg giraldo.
255
00:12:01,499 --> 00:12:04,499
[Cheers and applause]
256
00:12:07,491 --> 00:12:09,490
Our next roaster
brought Saturday night live
257
00:12:09,491 --> 00:12:11,490
to a whole new level of funny
258
00:12:11,491 --> 00:12:14,490
by leaving the show.
259
00:12:14,491 --> 00:12:16,490
Tonight he's debuting a
character he's been working on:
260
00:12:16,491 --> 00:12:18,490
Sweaty guy with no jokes.
261
00:12:18,491 --> 00:12:21,490
Ladies and gentlemen,
please tolerate jon lovitz.
262
00:12:21,491 --> 00:12:24,491
[Cheers and applause]
263
00:12:34,491 --> 00:12:37,490
- Thank you.
264
00:12:37,491 --> 00:12:42,490
Say, how funny was the new guy,
Geraldo Rivera?
265
00:12:42,491 --> 00:12:44,490
Yes.
266
00:12:44,491 --> 00:12:46,490
I tell you, that's
the first time I've been roasted
267
00:12:46,491 --> 00:12:49,490
by an illegal alien.
268
00:12:49,491 --> 00:12:52,490
You know, Bob's
a good friend of mine.
269
00:12:52,491 --> 00:12:54,490
He's probably one
of my best friends,
270
00:12:54,491 --> 00:12:56,490
and there's been a rumor
going around Los Angeles
271
00:12:56,491 --> 00:13:00,490
for the last 50 years
that Bob is gay.
272
00:13:00,491 --> 00:13:01,490
And he's not gay.
273
00:13:01,491 --> 00:13:03,490
You know, he's got
a beautiful wife,
274
00:13:03,491 --> 00:13:07,490
beautiful girlfriend.
275
00:13:07,491 --> 00:13:09,490
So I'd like to sing
some songs now
276
00:13:09,491 --> 00:13:11,490
to kill the rumor
that he's gay.
277
00:13:11,491 --> 00:13:15,490
And this first song is called
Bob saget isn't gay
278
00:13:15,491 --> 00:13:17,490
and hopefully
will kill the rumors that he is,
279
00:13:17,491 --> 00:13:19,490
which he is not.
280
00:13:19,491 --> 00:13:22,490
[Clears throat]
281
00:13:22,491 --> 00:13:27,490
♪ Bob saget isn't gay ♪
282
00:13:27,491 --> 00:13:34,490
♪ the sky isn't blue ♪
283
00:13:34,491 --> 00:13:39,490
♪ grass isn't green,
and I'm not a Jew ♪
284
00:13:39,491 --> 00:13:41,490
No, I'm kidding.
Of course he's not gay.
285
00:13:41,491 --> 00:13:43,490
But did you know that Bob's
a gourmet chef,
286
00:13:43,491 --> 00:13:45,490
and he's always in his kitchen
cooking up something,
287
00:13:45,491 --> 00:13:46,490
so I wrote a song about it.
288
00:13:46,491 --> 00:13:51,490
It's called Bob sagetlikes it in his kitchen.
289
00:13:51,491 --> 00:13:54,490
♪ Oh, Mr. Bob saget
likes it in his kitchen ♪
290
00:13:54,491 --> 00:13:57,490
♪ likes it in his kitchen,
likes it in his kitchen ♪
291
00:13:57,491 --> 00:14:00,490
♪ Mr. Bob saget
likes it in his kitchen ♪
292
00:14:00,491 --> 00:14:01,490
♪ kitchen, of course
293
00:14:01,491 --> 00:14:05,490
♪ is code for butt
294
00:14:05,491 --> 00:14:09,490
hey, it's Bob's code.
I just cracked it.
295
00:14:09,491 --> 00:14:11,490
Now, on a serious note,
I knew Bob's father.
296
00:14:11,491 --> 00:14:13,490
He's a wonderful man
named Ben saget.
297
00:14:13,491 --> 00:14:16,490
Ben saget was so proud
of his son's success,
298
00:14:16,491 --> 00:14:17,490
he wrote a book about it.
299
00:14:17,491 --> 00:14:20,490
The book is a loving tribute
from a father to his son.
300
00:14:20,491 --> 00:14:24,491
It's called, my son the the fag
by Ben saget.
301
00:14:27,491 --> 00:14:30,490
"I knew Bob was gay
when he was five.
302
00:14:30,491 --> 00:14:32,490
"We were Jewish,
but Bob was so gay
303
00:14:32,491 --> 00:14:35,490
"he used to run away to church.
304
00:14:35,491 --> 00:14:38,490
"He'd beg the priest, 'let me
stay, and I'll do anything.'
305
00:14:38,491 --> 00:14:41,490
"and then he'd say,
'can you blow out the candles?'
306
00:14:41,491 --> 00:14:42,490
"and Bob would say,
'I don't know.
307
00:14:42,491 --> 00:14:44,491
"Can you light your dick
on fire?'
308
00:14:49,491 --> 00:14:51,490
"Bob's so gay, his asshole
is no longer a hole
309
00:14:51,491 --> 00:14:54,491
but a smile."
310
00:14:56,491 --> 00:14:59,490
- Oh, man.
311
00:14:59,491 --> 00:15:01,490
- "Bob's so gay,
when he plays cards,
312
00:15:01,491 --> 00:15:03,490
"a full house
is two dicks in the mouth
313
00:15:03,491 --> 00:15:05,491
"and three in the butt.
314
00:15:08,491 --> 00:15:10,490
"My son Bob is so gay,
315
00:15:10,491 --> 00:15:13,490
"he wanted to rename his show,
1 vs. 100
316
00:15:13,491 --> 00:15:18,490
"to stick it in my jellyfish asstill it bleeds,
317
00:15:18,491 --> 00:15:20,490
"catch the drippings in a cup,
318
00:15:20,491 --> 00:15:24,490
"pour them backinto me intravenously
319
00:15:24,491 --> 00:15:27,491
vs. 100."
320
00:15:30,491 --> 00:15:33,491
I'd read you more,
but it starts to get gross.
321
00:15:36,491 --> 00:15:39,490
Good-bye, everybody!
Good-bye!
322
00:15:39,491 --> 00:15:42,491
[Cheers and applause]
323
00:15:49,491 --> 00:15:51,490
- For your safety,
please avert your eyes
324
00:15:51,491 --> 00:15:54,490
and welcome
the pork roastmaster general
325
00:15:54,491 --> 00:15:56,490
Jeffrey Ross.
326
00:15:56,491 --> 00:15:59,491
[Cheers and applause]
327
00:16:03,491 --> 00:16:06,491
Wow, give it up for chachi.
328
00:16:10,491 --> 00:16:12,490
Ladies, I spoke to flavor flav.
329
00:16:12,491 --> 00:16:14,491
He said you can be on the show.
330
00:16:17,491 --> 00:16:20,490
They're still here
from last year's roast.
331
00:16:20,491 --> 00:16:23,490
Wow.
332
00:16:23,491 --> 00:16:24,490
I know this is a big night,
333
00:16:24,491 --> 00:16:28,490
because cloris leachman
put her teeth in.
334
00:16:28,491 --> 00:16:30,490
Wow, what a legend.
335
00:16:30,491 --> 00:16:33,491
Shakespeare did her in the park.
336
00:16:39,491 --> 00:16:42,491
You look great, babe,
not a day over dead.
337
00:16:44,491 --> 00:16:48,491
She come her in a limo
or a time machine?
338
00:16:50,491 --> 00:16:52,490
Wow, doesn't Lisa lampanelli
look fant--
339
00:16:52,491 --> 00:16:56,491
oh, that's Jeff garlin.
Sorry.
340
00:17:00,491 --> 00:17:02,490
Norm MacDonald's so stoned
341
00:17:02,491 --> 00:17:04,491
he thinks he's at a roast
for Bob seger.
342
00:17:07,491 --> 00:17:09,490
I love you, norm.
343
00:17:09,491 --> 00:17:11,490
Wow, you never come out, norm.
344
00:17:11,491 --> 00:17:13,491
You're like the j.D. Salinger
of dick jokes.
345
00:17:15,491 --> 00:17:16,490
Ugh.
346
00:17:16,491 --> 00:17:19,490
Of course, Bob saget directed
norm MacDonald's movie,
347
00:17:19,491 --> 00:17:20,490
dirty work.
348
00:17:20,491 --> 00:17:22,491
Yeah.
349
00:17:25,491 --> 00:17:28,490
A move that transformed
norm MacDonald into a star...
350
00:17:28,491 --> 00:17:30,491
Bucks employee.
351
00:17:33,491 --> 00:17:35,490
- Did you say something
after "star"?
352
00:17:35,491 --> 00:17:38,490
- What's the over-under tonight?
What's gonna happen, norm?
353
00:17:38,491 --> 00:17:39,490
- No, I wanted
to read something funny,
354
00:17:39,491 --> 00:17:41,490
so I'm reading marmaduke.
355
00:17:41,491 --> 00:17:43,490
- [Laughs]
356
00:17:43,491 --> 00:17:44,490
Oh, my God.
357
00:17:44,491 --> 00:17:46,491
This is what happens when
you book a dais off craigslist.
358
00:17:49,491 --> 00:17:51,490
Jon lovitz, great job tonight.
359
00:17:51,491 --> 00:17:54,490
Jon lovitz is single out there,
ladies, if you're single.
360
00:17:54,491 --> 00:17:56,490
Yeah.
361
00:17:56,491 --> 00:17:58,490
Jon lovitz went on match.Com.
362
00:17:58,491 --> 00:18:03,490
They paired him up with a couch
and a bottle of hand lotion.
363
00:18:03,491 --> 00:18:04,490
Yeah.
364
00:18:04,491 --> 00:18:06,490
That's a three-way for him.
365
00:18:06,491 --> 00:18:08,490
[Laughs]
366
00:18:08,491 --> 00:18:10,490
And Dave coulier,
in case you think
367
00:18:10,491 --> 00:18:13,491
we forgot about you, we did.
368
00:18:15,491 --> 00:18:17,490
Oh.
369
00:18:17,491 --> 00:18:18,490
But, ladies and gentlemen,
I'm here today
370
00:18:18,491 --> 00:18:21,490
because I only roast
the ones I love,
371
00:18:21,491 --> 00:18:23,490
and I love Bob saget.
372
00:18:23,491 --> 00:18:24,490
I love him--
373
00:18:24,491 --> 00:18:25,490
I love him
like a perverted Uncle
374
00:18:25,491 --> 00:18:27,490
who pays for lunch
375
00:18:27,491 --> 00:18:31,490
and then follows me
into the men's room.
376
00:18:31,491 --> 00:18:34,490
Bob saget is a sick bastard.
377
00:18:34,491 --> 00:18:35,490
He has two daughters in college
378
00:18:35,491 --> 00:18:40,490
and three girlfriends
in high school.
379
00:18:40,491 --> 00:18:42,490
Bob saget's girlfriend
is so young,
380
00:18:42,491 --> 00:18:45,491
r. Kelly wouldn't pee on her.
381
00:18:50,491 --> 00:18:51,490
Most comics dream
of performing
382
00:18:51,491 --> 00:18:53,490
in Las Vegas, Nevada.
383
00:18:53,491 --> 00:18:56,491
Bob saget dreams of performing
in Hannah Montana.
384
00:19:00,491 --> 00:19:02,490
Full house should've
been called Blackjack,
385
00:19:02,491 --> 00:19:04,490
'cause he hit on the olsens
when they were eight.
386
00:19:04,491 --> 00:19:08,490
He didn't stop
till they were 21.
387
00:19:08,491 --> 00:19:11,490
Is it true you used to give
Mary-Kate acting lessons?
388
00:19:11,491 --> 00:19:15,490
He'd tell her,
"act like this never happened."
389
00:19:15,491 --> 00:19:18,491
She'd be like,
"you got it, dude."
390
00:19:25,491 --> 00:19:28,490
Actually, Mary-Kate and Ashley
391
00:19:28,491 --> 00:19:29,490
were supposed
to be here tonight,
392
00:19:29,491 --> 00:19:31,491
but they heard
there was gonna be food.
393
00:19:35,491 --> 00:19:37,490
And although Bob saget
is not an insult comic,
394
00:19:37,491 --> 00:19:40,491
I am insulted
when people call him a comic.
395
00:19:43,491 --> 00:19:45,490
But if some of us
use dirty words as a crutch,
396
00:19:45,491 --> 00:19:48,490
then Bob saget
must be a quadriplegic.
397
00:19:48,491 --> 00:19:50,490
- [Laughs]
398
00:19:50,491 --> 00:19:52,490
- But here's one
four-letter word
399
00:19:52,491 --> 00:19:54,490
I know he's never heard:
400
00:19:54,491 --> 00:19:56,491
Haha.
401
00:19:59,491 --> 00:20:01,490
Bob, in case you haven't
figured it out yet,
402
00:20:01,491 --> 00:20:02,490
this isn't a roast.
403
00:20:02,491 --> 00:20:04,490
It's an intervention.
404
00:20:04,491 --> 00:20:07,491
You can keep doing drugs,
but please stop doing comedy.
405
00:20:09,491 --> 00:20:11,490
Please.
406
00:20:11,491 --> 00:20:15,490
The people have spoken.
407
00:20:15,491 --> 00:20:17,490
And, Bob, you may have noticed
408
00:20:17,491 --> 00:20:19,490
I didn't use
any curse words tonight,
409
00:20:19,491 --> 00:20:22,490
'cause I didn't want
to compete with the master.
410
00:20:22,491 --> 00:20:25,490
Out of all the comics I know,
you have the filthiest mouth
411
00:20:25,491 --> 00:20:26,490
and the kindest heart,
412
00:20:26,491 --> 00:20:29,490
and I knew there was no way
I could top you.
413
00:20:29,491 --> 00:20:32,490
But in honor of the late,
great George carlin,
414
00:20:32,491 --> 00:20:34,490
I would like to leave you
all with another seven words
415
00:20:34,491 --> 00:20:37,490
you can never hear
on television:
416
00:20:37,491 --> 00:20:40,490
And the emmy goes
to Bob saget.
417
00:20:40,491 --> 00:20:43,491
[Cheers and applause]
418
00:21:02,147 --> 00:21:03,146
That's all I got to say,
419
00:21:03,147 --> 00:21:05,146
'cause that's the punch line.
420
00:21:05,147 --> 00:21:07,146
Bob saget.
421
00:21:07,147 --> 00:21:08,146
[Laughs]
422
00:21:08,147 --> 00:21:11,146
It doesn't even need a setup.
423
00:21:11,147 --> 00:21:14,146
Bob, did you really need
a roast?
424
00:21:14,147 --> 00:21:16,146
Your career
wasn't enough of one?
425
00:21:16,147 --> 00:21:18,146
Full house.
426
00:21:18,147 --> 00:21:20,146
Are you kidding me?
427
00:21:20,147 --> 00:21:23,146
What the fuck was that about?
428
00:21:23,147 --> 00:21:26,146
I think it's based
on what passes through the brain
429
00:21:26,147 --> 00:21:28,146
of a comatose child molester.
430
00:21:28,147 --> 00:21:32,146
It was like watching a stroke
in slow motion.
431
00:21:32,147 --> 00:21:35,146
America's funniest home videos.
432
00:21:35,147 --> 00:21:37,146
Were they, Bob?
433
00:21:37,147 --> 00:21:39,146
Were they really the funniest?
434
00:21:39,147 --> 00:21:40,481
How'd you do it, Bob?
435
00:21:40,482 --> 00:21:42,146
How the fuck did you do it?
436
00:21:42,147 --> 00:21:44,146
Why did you do it?
437
00:21:44,147 --> 00:21:46,146
To make me feel better
about my career,
438
00:21:46,147 --> 00:21:48,146
which at that point
was in the dumpsters--
439
00:21:48,147 --> 00:21:51,146
I played pisshole clubs
across the country--
440
00:21:51,147 --> 00:21:53,146
so I can feel better
about myself,
441
00:21:53,147 --> 00:21:55,146
so I could think, "well,
things are shitty,
442
00:21:55,147 --> 00:21:57,146
"but at least I'm not saget.
443
00:21:57,147 --> 00:21:58,146
"I'm just a stripper.
444
00:21:58,147 --> 00:22:00,146
At least I'm not a whore."
445
00:22:00,147 --> 00:22:03,146
Well, I got to go.
446
00:22:03,147 --> 00:22:04,146
All the best, Bob.
447
00:22:04,147 --> 00:22:05,146
And, stamos,
448
00:22:05,147 --> 00:22:08,147
you are so gay.
449
00:22:15,147 --> 00:22:18,146
I tried to get
our next roaster's autograph.
450
00:22:18,147 --> 00:22:21,146
Then I realized
she wasn't gene Simmons.
451
00:22:21,147 --> 00:22:24,146
Please welcome
the least attractive cast member
452
00:22:24,147 --> 00:22:28,146
on curb your enthusiasm,
susie essman.
453
00:22:28,147 --> 00:22:31,147
[Cheers and applause]
454
00:22:35,147 --> 00:22:37,146
- Thank you, pretty boy.
455
00:22:37,147 --> 00:22:40,146
I had no idea, John,
you had such a sharp tongue.
456
00:22:40,147 --> 00:22:43,147
That must really hurt
saget's ass.
457
00:22:46,147 --> 00:22:49,146
You know, Bob, I was talking
about your career the other day,
458
00:22:49,147 --> 00:22:52,146
and out of nowhere,
a fat lady started singing.
459
00:22:52,147 --> 00:22:56,146
It was so weird.
460
00:22:56,147 --> 00:22:57,146
Most of you don't know that Bob
461
00:22:57,147 --> 00:22:59,146
is the complete opposite
of his image.
462
00:22:59,147 --> 00:23:03,146
His image, by the way, is funny.
463
00:23:03,147 --> 00:23:06,146
Jeff, my darling husband--
not in real life.
464
00:23:06,147 --> 00:23:08,146
But you know,
you know I love you.
465
00:23:08,147 --> 00:23:09,146
People are always
fascinated by Jeff,
466
00:23:09,147 --> 00:23:12,146
and they're always asking me,
"is Jeff really fat?"
467
00:23:12,147 --> 00:23:16,147
No, the camera adds 465 pounds.
468
00:23:18,147 --> 00:23:20,146
Doesn't matter.
You're funny.
469
00:23:20,147 --> 00:23:22,146
Doesn't matter
if you're a fat fuck,
470
00:23:22,147 --> 00:23:23,146
'cause you're funny, right?
471
00:23:23,147 --> 00:23:24,146
That's all that really matters.
472
00:23:24,147 --> 00:23:25,146
Lot of funny here.
473
00:23:25,147 --> 00:23:28,146
This dais is graced
with many, many fine comedians
474
00:23:28,147 --> 00:23:30,146
and Bob saget.
475
00:23:30,147 --> 00:23:31,146
- [Laughs]
476
00:23:31,147 --> 00:23:33,146
- What do you get
when you cross Gilbert gottfried
477
00:23:33,147 --> 00:23:34,146
with Jim Norton?
478
00:23:34,147 --> 00:23:38,146
I don't know, but you wouldn't
want to fuck it.
479
00:23:38,147 --> 00:23:42,146
Greg giraldo: The reason
vaginal dryness was invented.
480
00:23:42,147 --> 00:23:45,146
Stamos, you're doable,
but I wouldn't,
481
00:23:45,147 --> 00:23:48,146
because you're one of those
narcissistic good-looking boys,
482
00:23:48,147 --> 00:23:50,146
like the kind of guy
who calls out his own name
483
00:23:50,147 --> 00:23:52,147
when he's cumming.
484
00:23:56,565 --> 00:23:58,146
Let's face it.
485
00:23:58,147 --> 00:24:00,146
The only one
who's getting screwed tonight
486
00:24:00,147 --> 00:24:04,146
is Bob saget.
487
00:24:04,147 --> 00:24:06,146
Bob is one of those people who
every time you see him on TV,
488
00:24:06,147 --> 00:24:09,146
you think, "whose dick
did he suck to get that gig?"
489
00:24:09,147 --> 00:24:10,146
You know?
490
00:24:10,147 --> 00:24:12,146
Bob spends more times
on his knees
491
00:24:12,147 --> 00:24:13,146
after a big audition
492
00:24:13,147 --> 00:24:16,147
than Mary-Kate does
after a big meal.
493
00:24:19,147 --> 00:24:21,146
Bob will do anything for money.
494
00:24:21,147 --> 00:24:22,146
That's why he's always
getting into cars
495
00:24:22,147 --> 00:24:23,146
on Santa Monica boulevard.
496
00:24:23,147 --> 00:24:25,146
And for years, I thought
he just needed a ride.
497
00:24:25,147 --> 00:24:27,146
You know, I'm such an innocent.
498
00:24:27,147 --> 00:24:29,146
You know,
and I met your girlfriend.
499
00:24:29,147 --> 00:24:30,146
She's lovely.
500
00:24:30,147 --> 00:24:31,146
And one good thing we know
501
00:24:31,147 --> 00:24:33,147
is at least she's not
a star fucker.
502
00:24:37,147 --> 00:24:39,146
The reason I'm here
is because
503
00:24:39,147 --> 00:24:40,146
it was a challenge to me.
504
00:24:40,147 --> 00:24:42,146
I love to putter in the kitchen,
505
00:24:42,147 --> 00:24:44,146
and this was an opportunity
I couldn't pass up,
506
00:24:44,147 --> 00:24:47,146
because I've baked a cake,
I've fried a chicken,
507
00:24:47,147 --> 00:24:49,146
and this is the first time
I had a chance
508
00:24:49,147 --> 00:24:51,146
to roast an asshole.
509
00:24:51,147 --> 00:24:54,146
So I figured
I would just show up and do it.
510
00:24:54,147 --> 00:24:56,146
And you know, I just got
a text message
511
00:24:56,147 --> 00:24:57,146
from my self-respect,
512
00:24:57,147 --> 00:24:58,397
and it said I have to leave.
513
00:24:58,398 --> 00:25:01,146
So good night, everybody.
514
00:25:01,147 --> 00:25:02,146
Thank you.
515
00:25:02,147 --> 00:25:05,147
[Cheers and applause]
516
00:25:12,147 --> 00:25:14,146
- We're lucky to have
our next comic, Brian.
517
00:25:14,147 --> 00:25:16,146
After the roast,
he's got to get back
518
00:25:16,147 --> 00:25:20,146
to the cabin in the woods
to skin some teenagers.
519
00:25:20,147 --> 00:25:22,146
To avoid startling the creature,
520
00:25:22,147 --> 00:25:26,146
please no flash photography
for Brian posehn.
521
00:25:26,147 --> 00:25:29,147
[Cheers and applause]
522
00:25:39,147 --> 00:25:41,146
- Keep it going for John stamos.
523
00:25:41,147 --> 00:25:44,147
[Cheers and applause]
524
00:25:46,147 --> 00:25:47,146
Wow, John.
525
00:25:47,147 --> 00:25:48,146
If you and I were at a party,
526
00:25:48,147 --> 00:25:53,146
our cocks would have nothing
to talk about.
527
00:25:53,147 --> 00:25:55,146
[Chuckles]
528
00:25:55,147 --> 00:25:57,146
Your dick has
a more impressive resume
529
00:25:57,147 --> 00:26:01,146
than you do.
530
00:26:01,147 --> 00:26:02,146
You know what?
I don't even know Bob saget.
531
00:26:02,147 --> 00:26:03,146
I've met him twice.
532
00:26:03,147 --> 00:26:05,146
I'm only here
because Lisa lampanelli
533
00:26:05,147 --> 00:26:08,147
finally got murdered
by one of her black boyfriends.
534
00:26:12,147 --> 00:26:15,146
That's right.
535
00:26:15,147 --> 00:26:16,146
Norm MacDonald is here.
536
00:26:16,147 --> 00:26:19,146
He does an amazing
Burt Reynolds impression.
537
00:26:19,147 --> 00:26:23,147
And by that, I mean he's not
in movies anymore either.
538
00:26:27,147 --> 00:26:28,146
Jodie sweetin's in the crowd.
539
00:26:28,147 --> 00:26:30,146
Remember her?
540
00:26:30,147 --> 00:26:31,146
Yeah.
541
00:26:31,147 --> 00:26:33,146
[Cheers and applause]
542
00:26:33,147 --> 00:26:35,146
I can't point her out,
but she's the full house girl
543
00:26:35,147 --> 00:26:37,146
that isn't a crazy Christian
544
00:26:37,147 --> 00:26:39,146
or a vagina on a stick.
545
00:26:39,147 --> 00:26:41,146
So, uh--
546
00:26:41,147 --> 00:26:44,146
Jodie sweetin, by the way,
hosted this terrible cable show
547
00:26:44,147 --> 00:26:46,146
called pants-off dance-off.
548
00:26:46,147 --> 00:26:47,146
Yeah.
549
00:26:47,147 --> 00:26:51,147
Which is how I
used to watch full house.
550
00:26:52,147 --> 00:26:55,146
That's right.
551
00:26:55,147 --> 00:26:59,146
Yeah, how about Jeffrey Ross,
my buddy?
552
00:26:59,147 --> 00:27:00,146
Yeah, yeah.
553
00:27:00,147 --> 00:27:03,146
[Cheers and applause]
554
00:27:03,147 --> 00:27:05,146
Jeff wants to be
an old comic so bad
555
00:27:05,147 --> 00:27:07,147
that he's having
his balls lowered.
556
00:27:13,147 --> 00:27:16,146
Cloris leachman, look at you.
557
00:27:16,147 --> 00:27:19,147
You're older than the dirt
you sleep in.
558
00:27:23,147 --> 00:27:27,146
Ah, that's so mean.
559
00:27:27,147 --> 00:27:31,146
Susie, I know what it's like
to be called ugly like you.
560
00:27:31,147 --> 00:27:33,146
I do.
I--my whole life.
561
00:27:33,147 --> 00:27:35,146
Don't take it
personally, though,
562
00:27:35,147 --> 00:27:38,147
'cause if you were a chick,
I would totally fuck you.
563
00:27:42,147 --> 00:27:46,146
Seriously, I came here
to honor Bob saget.
564
00:27:46,147 --> 00:27:48,146
Yeah.
565
00:27:48,147 --> 00:27:51,146
[Cheers and applause]
566
00:27:51,147 --> 00:27:53,146
That's right.
567
00:27:53,147 --> 00:27:54,146
Bob has done a lot
for this country.
568
00:27:54,147 --> 00:27:57,146
For eight seasons,
half an hour a week,
569
00:27:57,147 --> 00:28:01,146
full house kept pedophiles
off the street.
570
00:28:01,147 --> 00:28:05,146
In fact, three of them
were on the show.
571
00:28:05,147 --> 00:28:07,146
Bob, I love
how you reinvented yourself
572
00:28:07,147 --> 00:28:09,146
as this dirty comic,
you know?
573
00:28:09,147 --> 00:28:13,146
But it worked a few times,
and now no one cares.
574
00:28:13,147 --> 00:28:16,146
You're like the boy
who cried, "cunt."
575
00:28:16,147 --> 00:28:18,146
- [Laughs]
576
00:28:18,147 --> 00:28:22,146
- But, Bob, you've been
a big influence on me, man.
577
00:28:22,147 --> 00:28:25,146
When Sarah silverman asked me
to play a gay guy on TV,
578
00:28:25,147 --> 00:28:27,146
I didn't want to.
579
00:28:27,147 --> 00:28:29,147
But then I thought, "hey, if
saget can do it..."
580
00:28:34,147 --> 00:28:37,146
Bob, in all seriousness,
and I mean this deeply,
581
00:28:37,147 --> 00:28:41,146
I hope horrible things
happen to you
582
00:28:41,147 --> 00:28:45,146
tonight and for the rest
of your pitiful life.
583
00:28:45,147 --> 00:28:46,146
I'm kidding, buddy.
584
00:28:46,147 --> 00:28:47,146
Congratulations,
and have a good night.
585
00:28:47,147 --> 00:28:49,146
Thanks, you guys.
586
00:28:49,147 --> 00:28:52,147
[Cheers and applause]
587
00:28:59,952 --> 00:29:02,951
- Our next roaster
has never been to a roast,
588
00:29:02,952 --> 00:29:07,328
but in 1620, she was almost
burned as a witch.
589
00:29:11,952 --> 00:29:14,952
Her first std was the plague.
590
00:29:17,952 --> 00:29:19,951
Please welcome cloris leachman!
591
00:29:19,952 --> 00:29:22,952
[Cheers and applause]
592
00:29:37,952 --> 00:29:43,951
- I am not here
to roast Bob saget.
593
00:29:43,952 --> 00:29:46,952
I'm here to fuck John stamos.
594
00:30:01,952 --> 00:30:03,951
Stamos, you shouldn't
talk so much.
595
00:30:03,952 --> 00:30:06,951
Your mouth is canceling out
all the hard work
596
00:30:06,952 --> 00:30:09,952
your ass is doing.
597
00:30:12,952 --> 00:30:14,951
If you play your cards right,
I'll do something
598
00:30:14,952 --> 00:30:17,951
no woman has ever done to you:
599
00:30:17,952 --> 00:30:20,952
Put you in the movies.
600
00:30:27,952 --> 00:30:30,951
Does any one of you
actually know who I am?
601
00:30:30,952 --> 00:30:32,951
I was on
the Mary Tyler Moore show.
602
00:30:32,952 --> 00:30:35,952
[Cheers and applause]
603
00:30:37,953 --> 00:30:41,951
Total slut, by the way.
604
00:30:41,952 --> 00:30:45,951
She taught me everything I know.
605
00:30:45,952 --> 00:30:48,951
Here's something
you don't know about Mary.
606
00:30:48,952 --> 00:30:52,952
When she had an orgasm,
she threw her hat in the air.
607
00:30:56,952 --> 00:31:01,951
I don't know
who any of you people is.
608
00:31:01,952 --> 00:31:03,951
Maybe that's 'cause I watch TV
and go to the movies
609
00:31:03,952 --> 00:31:06,952
and read the trades.
610
00:31:14,952 --> 00:31:18,951
I have vibrators older
than most of you.
611
00:31:18,952 --> 00:31:20,951
The difference is,
my vibrators still work.
612
00:31:20,952 --> 00:31:22,952
They do.
613
00:31:28,952 --> 00:31:31,952
You, the fat one.
614
00:31:39,952 --> 00:31:43,952
Not you, the ugly fat one.
615
00:31:51,952 --> 00:31:55,951
Yeah, your name is Jeff Ross?
616
00:31:55,952 --> 00:31:57,951
- Yeah.
617
00:31:57,952 --> 00:32:00,951
- I just want to thank you
for doing the jokes
618
00:32:00,952 --> 00:32:03,952
my father used to tell me
when I was seven.
619
00:32:08,952 --> 00:32:12,952
I'm sure this is the first time
you've ever made a woman happy.
620
00:32:16,952 --> 00:32:20,951
None of this dirty joke stuff
is shocking to me.
621
00:32:20,952 --> 00:32:23,951
I mean, during the golden era
of comedy,
622
00:32:23,952 --> 00:32:25,951
I broke my ankle
when I tripped over
623
00:32:25,952 --> 00:32:27,952
Milton berle's cock.
624
00:32:33,952 --> 00:32:36,952
Which one of you fellas
is susie essman?
625
00:32:41,952 --> 00:32:45,951
Normie MacDonald.
626
00:32:45,952 --> 00:32:47,951
I've never met you before,
but I want you to know
627
00:32:47,952 --> 00:32:50,952
I'm carrying mace.
628
00:32:53,952 --> 00:32:54,951
Norm can't stay much longer.
629
00:32:54,952 --> 00:32:59,952
He has to get his suit back
to his father's coffin.
630
00:33:06,952 --> 00:33:08,951
I'm an academy award winner.
631
00:33:08,952 --> 00:33:09,951
For the love of God,
632
00:33:09,952 --> 00:33:11,951
will someone please
punch me in the face
633
00:33:11,952 --> 00:33:13,952
so I can see some stars?
634
00:33:26,952 --> 00:33:30,952
I can't believe
I shaved for this.
635
00:33:34,952 --> 00:33:36,951
I mean, what am I even
doing here?
636
00:33:36,952 --> 00:33:39,951
Who cares about Bob saget?
637
00:33:39,952 --> 00:33:41,951
I was giving reach arounds
to Jack Benny
638
00:33:41,952 --> 00:33:44,952
before you were born.
639
00:33:47,952 --> 00:33:50,952
And that man had timing.
640
00:33:54,952 --> 00:33:56,951
I was actually offered a role
on full house.
641
00:33:56,952 --> 00:33:58,951
I turned it down,
'cause I wanted
642
00:33:58,952 --> 00:34:03,951
to focus on comedy.
643
00:34:03,952 --> 00:34:06,952
I'm glad I got out of sitcoms
before you killed them.
644
00:34:09,952 --> 00:34:11,951
You didn't just kill sitcoms.
645
00:34:11,952 --> 00:34:14,952
You raped them and left them
for dead in a ditch...
646
00:34:17,952 --> 00:34:21,952
Just like I did
with Gavin macleod in 1975.
647
00:34:25,952 --> 00:34:29,952
And then again in 1978,
that bald bitch.
648
00:34:34,952 --> 00:34:38,951
Bob, dearest,
649
00:34:38,952 --> 00:34:41,951
I've seen some of your work.
650
00:34:41,952 --> 00:34:44,951
And you're not an actor.
651
00:34:44,952 --> 00:34:47,951
Not one of you is.
652
00:34:47,952 --> 00:34:50,951
I was classically trained
in live theater.
653
00:34:50,952 --> 00:34:52,951
I improvised.
No script, no director.
654
00:34:52,952 --> 00:34:56,952
Just me and the donkey.
655
00:35:03,952 --> 00:35:06,951
Five sold out shows a night
for six years
656
00:35:06,952 --> 00:35:10,951
till the donkey died
of exhaustion.
657
00:35:10,952 --> 00:35:14,951
Then I was finally ready
for Hollywood.
658
00:35:14,952 --> 00:35:17,951
What have you nothings done?
659
00:35:17,952 --> 00:35:21,952
"My YouTube video
has 400 hits."
660
00:35:26,952 --> 00:35:30,952
Fuck a donkey,
then talk to me.
661
00:35:32,952 --> 00:35:35,951
Now, get up here, stamos.
Let's see what you got.
662
00:35:35,952 --> 00:35:38,952
[Cheers and applause]
663
00:35:52,952 --> 00:35:55,952
You're very funny.
664
00:36:10,142 --> 00:36:12,141
- You.
665
00:36:12,142 --> 00:36:16,141
Our next roaster used to be
on Saturday night live.
666
00:36:16,142 --> 00:36:18,141
Now he just watches it,
667
00:36:18,142 --> 00:36:22,141
well, up until last week
when a hooker stole his TV.
668
00:36:22,142 --> 00:36:26,141
Please welcome
the incoherent norm MacDonald.
669
00:36:26,142 --> 00:36:29,142
[Cheers and applause]
670
00:36:38,142 --> 00:36:39,141
- Yeah, I want to start
with John stamos,
671
00:36:39,142 --> 00:36:41,141
our esteemed roastmaster.
672
00:36:41,142 --> 00:36:43,141
John--well, John
has a reputation
673
00:36:43,142 --> 00:36:45,267
for being a bit of a swinger.
674
00:36:45,268 --> 00:36:47,141
Did you know instead
of an umbilical cord,
675
00:36:47,142 --> 00:36:50,142
John was born
with a bungee cord?
676
00:36:55,142 --> 00:36:56,141
And cloris leachman is here.
677
00:36:56,142 --> 00:36:58,141
Cloris?
678
00:36:58,142 --> 00:37:01,142
[Cheers and applause]
679
00:37:03,142 --> 00:37:05,141
Cloris, if people say
you're over the hill,
680
00:37:05,142 --> 00:37:06,141
don't believe them.
681
00:37:06,142 --> 00:37:07,141
Why, you'll never be
over the hill,
682
00:37:07,142 --> 00:37:10,142
not in the car you drive.
683
00:37:14,142 --> 00:37:16,141
Greg giraldo is here.
684
00:37:16,142 --> 00:37:19,141
He has the grace of a swan,
the wisdom of an owl,
685
00:37:19,142 --> 00:37:20,141
and the eye of an eagle.
686
00:37:20,142 --> 00:37:23,142
Ladies and gentleman,
this man is for the birds.
687
00:37:42,142 --> 00:37:44,141
Susie essman, of course,
688
00:37:44,142 --> 00:37:47,141
is famous
for being a vegetarian.
689
00:37:47,142 --> 00:37:50,141
Hey, she may be a vegetarian,
690
00:37:50,142 --> 00:37:51,141
but she's still full of bologna
in my book.
691
00:37:51,142 --> 00:37:53,142
I--
692
00:37:58,142 --> 00:38:02,141
Gilbert gottfried,
one of my best friends.
693
00:38:02,142 --> 00:38:03,141
I love Gilbert.
694
00:38:03,142 --> 00:38:05,141
When you go
to the men's room later,
695
00:38:05,142 --> 00:38:07,141
you'll see a sign
that says, "gentlemen,"
696
00:38:07,142 --> 00:38:08,141
pay no heed.
697
00:38:08,142 --> 00:38:10,142
Go right in.
698
00:38:15,142 --> 00:38:18,142
There's no room
that says "scoundrel" on it.
699
00:38:20,142 --> 00:38:23,141
But now we come to Bob saget,
and that's why we're all here.
700
00:38:23,142 --> 00:38:25,141
Bob.
701
00:38:25,142 --> 00:38:28,142
[Cheers and applause]
702
00:38:30,142 --> 00:38:33,141
Bob, you have a lot
of well wishers here tonight,
703
00:38:33,142 --> 00:38:35,141
and a lot of them would like
to throw you down one--
704
00:38:35,142 --> 00:38:37,141
a well.
705
00:38:37,142 --> 00:38:42,141
They want to murder you
in a well.
706
00:38:42,142 --> 00:38:45,141
Seems a little harsh, but--
707
00:38:45,142 --> 00:38:48,141
apparently, they want
to murder you in a well,
708
00:38:48,142 --> 00:38:51,142
it says here on this card.
709
00:38:54,142 --> 00:38:56,141
No, but Bob has
a beautiful face
710
00:38:56,142 --> 00:38:57,141
like a flower--
711
00:38:57,142 --> 00:39:00,142
yeah, a cauliflower.
712
00:39:04,142 --> 00:39:08,141
No offense, but your face
713
00:39:08,142 --> 00:39:10,141
looks
714
00:39:10,142 --> 00:39:15,141
like a cauliflower.
715
00:39:15,142 --> 00:39:17,141
Now, I heard you have hair
on your chest, Bob.
716
00:39:17,142 --> 00:39:20,141
And, well, let me
tell you something.
717
00:39:20,142 --> 00:39:22,141
That isn't your only resemblance
718
00:39:22,142 --> 00:39:24,141
to rin tin tin.
719
00:39:24,142 --> 00:39:28,141
- [Laughs]
720
00:39:28,142 --> 00:39:30,142
- You're a fucking dogface.
721
00:39:34,142 --> 00:39:36,142
How can you not get that?
722
00:39:42,142 --> 00:39:46,141
No, there are times when Bob
has something on his mind:
723
00:39:46,142 --> 00:39:49,142
When he wears a hat.
724
00:39:53,142 --> 00:39:55,141
But no thoughts at all.
725
00:39:55,142 --> 00:39:59,141
Just a hat.
726
00:39:59,142 --> 00:40:02,141
And Bob isn't
the biggest sports fan.
727
00:40:02,142 --> 00:40:04,141
I don't think I'm telling
any tales out of school.
728
00:40:04,142 --> 00:40:07,141
I took him to a--
729
00:40:07,142 --> 00:40:09,141
I took him
to a ball game,
730
00:40:09,142 --> 00:40:12,141
and he came toting
a double-barreled shotgun.
731
00:40:12,142 --> 00:40:14,141
Do you remember that?
732
00:40:14,142 --> 00:40:19,141
I said, "what the 'h'
is that for?"
733
00:40:19,142 --> 00:40:23,141
Bob said, "I heard the lions
were playing the tigers."
734
00:40:23,142 --> 00:40:24,141
Do you remember that?
735
00:40:24,142 --> 00:40:25,142
- Yeah.
736
00:40:31,142 --> 00:40:33,141
- No, he's a good guy.
He's a good guy.
737
00:40:33,142 --> 00:40:35,141
He's never bought
Christmas seals.
738
00:40:35,142 --> 00:40:38,142
He told me he wouldn't know
what to feed them.
739
00:40:40,142 --> 00:40:45,141
This concludes the joke--
740
00:40:45,142 --> 00:40:48,142
[cheers and applause]
741
00:40:50,142 --> 00:40:53,141
In all seriousness,
Bob was the first comedian
742
00:40:53,142 --> 00:40:58,141
that I ever saw perform
when I was a boy live,
743
00:40:58,142 --> 00:41:00,141
and I loved him.
744
00:41:00,142 --> 00:41:03,141
But one thing
that bonds us as comedians is,
745
00:41:03,142 --> 00:41:05,141
we're bitter and jealous,
746
00:41:05,142 --> 00:41:08,141
and we hate everyone else
that has any success.
747
00:41:08,142 --> 00:41:14,141
But Bob honestly has never
had an unkind word for anybody,
748
00:41:14,142 --> 00:41:15,141
and I love him,
749
00:41:15,142 --> 00:41:17,141
and I hope everybody else does,
750
00:41:17,142 --> 00:41:19,141
so I just wanted to say that.
751
00:41:19,142 --> 00:41:21,141
Thank you.
752
00:41:21,142 --> 00:41:24,142
[Cheers and applause]
753
00:41:32,142 --> 00:41:34,141
- Norm MacDonald.
754
00:41:34,142 --> 00:41:37,141
[Cheers and applause]
755
00:41:37,142 --> 00:41:40,141
We're very lucky
to have our next roaster.
756
00:41:40,142 --> 00:41:42,141
He's a legend.
757
00:41:42,142 --> 00:41:44,141
The executive
who bought full house
758
00:41:44,142 --> 00:41:46,141
to network television:
759
00:41:46,142 --> 00:41:48,141
Sol Schwartz.
760
00:41:48,142 --> 00:41:51,142
[Cheers and applause]
761
00:41:59,142 --> 00:42:05,141
- I remember the day
that they came to me
762
00:42:05,142 --> 00:42:08,141
with the full house pitch.
763
00:42:08,142 --> 00:42:11,141
It was the last day
my assistant jaclyn blew me.
764
00:42:11,142 --> 00:42:14,141
I remember it clearly.
765
00:42:14,142 --> 00:42:17,141
And in walked in
the full house people.
766
00:42:17,142 --> 00:42:20,141
And they pitched
their little show,
767
00:42:20,142 --> 00:42:23,141
their dream show,
their classic.
768
00:42:23,142 --> 00:42:26,141
And I said, "it's a yes,
769
00:42:26,142 --> 00:42:28,141
"but I want it to star
three schmucks
770
00:42:28,142 --> 00:42:30,141
"I've never heard of.
771
00:42:30,142 --> 00:42:33,142
'Cause I want to prove
that time slot is everything."
772
00:42:38,142 --> 00:42:42,141
Let me tell you something,
John stamos.
773
00:42:42,142 --> 00:42:47,141
You are the most talented actor
that I have ever come across.
774
00:42:47,142 --> 00:42:48,141
You are wonderful.
775
00:42:48,142 --> 00:42:50,141
You're delightful.
776
00:42:50,142 --> 00:42:51,141
You're a dream!
777
00:42:51,142 --> 00:42:54,141
You're fantastic.
778
00:42:54,142 --> 00:42:57,141
No one has ever touched
your talent.
779
00:42:57,142 --> 00:42:59,141
It is remarkable.
780
00:42:59,142 --> 00:43:02,141
You are the best performer
I have ever seen.
781
00:43:02,142 --> 00:43:05,141
No one in the world
has ever come close
782
00:43:05,142 --> 00:43:09,976
to the magic that you bring
to the stage, to the screen.
783
00:43:09,977 --> 00:43:13,141
My balls are clapping.
784
00:43:13,142 --> 00:43:17,142
You are truly God's
favorite actor, John stamos.
785
00:43:20,142 --> 00:43:24,141
Oh, by the way, I've already
read tomorrow's variety.
786
00:43:24,142 --> 00:43:25,141
I get it early.
787
00:43:25,142 --> 00:43:28,142
You've been replaced on er
by Jerry O'Connell.
788
00:43:32,142 --> 00:43:35,141
It's true.
789
00:43:35,142 --> 00:43:38,141
Let's talk about a true mensch,
790
00:43:38,142 --> 00:43:41,141
my pride and joy,
who I discovered 25 years ago,
791
00:43:41,142 --> 00:43:43,141
Bob saget.
792
00:43:43,142 --> 00:43:44,141
I'm not--
[Cheers and applause]
793
00:43:44,142 --> 00:43:46,141
Yes.
794
00:43:46,142 --> 00:43:50,141
I think you're more
than just the sitcom dad
795
00:43:50,142 --> 00:43:53,141
or the guy who hosts
that video show.
796
00:43:53,142 --> 00:43:55,141
You're really one
of the shittiest comics
797
00:43:55,142 --> 00:43:58,141
I've ever seen.
798
00:43:58,142 --> 00:44:00,141
The other day, I--
799
00:44:00,142 --> 00:44:02,141
after all these years,
I'd never met the Olsen twins.
800
00:44:02,142 --> 00:44:04,141
He introduced me to them.
801
00:44:04,142 --> 00:44:06,141
I said to him,
"how do I tell them apart?"
802
00:44:06,142 --> 00:44:10,142
He says, "Ashley swallows."
803
00:44:15,142 --> 00:44:18,141
What's my character's name
again?
804
00:44:18,142 --> 00:44:19,141
Saul Schwartz.
805
00:44:19,142 --> 00:44:22,141
Bob--he called him sol.
806
00:44:22,142 --> 00:44:24,141
John stamos is so not Jewish.
807
00:44:24,142 --> 00:44:28,141
"Please welcome sol Schwartz."
808
00:44:28,142 --> 00:44:30,141
[Laughs]
809
00:44:30,142 --> 00:44:31,141
The truth is, Bob,
810
00:44:31,142 --> 00:44:34,141
we've worked together
for many, many years,
811
00:44:34,142 --> 00:44:36,141
and I'm starting to think
I have Alzheimer's,
812
00:44:36,142 --> 00:44:37,141
because I can't remember
813
00:44:37,142 --> 00:44:41,141
a single funny thing
you ever said.
814
00:44:41,142 --> 00:44:43,141
All right,
I'm not fucking around.
815
00:44:43,142 --> 00:44:45,141
I said to them before the show--
816
00:44:45,142 --> 00:44:47,141
I said, "I want to say
something nice about him now,"
817
00:44:47,142 --> 00:44:51,141
and I swear, on the screen,
it says, "sincere moment."
818
00:44:51,142 --> 00:44:54,142
[Laughs]
819
00:44:56,142 --> 00:44:58,141
What a sincere moment.
820
00:44:58,142 --> 00:45:00,141
No, what I want to say
to you is,
821
00:45:00,142 --> 00:45:01,141
we never hang out.
822
00:45:01,142 --> 00:45:04,141
I'd like to.
823
00:45:04,142 --> 00:45:06,141
We see each other.
824
00:45:06,142 --> 00:45:08,141
We're always happy
to see each other.
825
00:45:08,142 --> 00:45:09,141
I've always liked you.
826
00:45:09,142 --> 00:45:11,141
And I remember
when we first met,
827
00:45:11,142 --> 00:45:13,141
you asked me
if I knew how dry
828
00:45:13,142 --> 00:45:14,141
my grandma's vagina was.
829
00:45:14,142 --> 00:45:16,141
Those were the first thing--
- really?
830
00:45:16,142 --> 00:45:18,141
- I was opening for you
in the '80s,
831
00:45:18,142 --> 00:45:20,141
and that's the first thing
you said to me,
832
00:45:20,142 --> 00:45:23,141
and I knew that I liked you
from that moment on.
833
00:45:23,142 --> 00:45:24,141
Isn't that a fantastic--
834
00:45:24,142 --> 00:45:26,141
you ever met somebody--
835
00:45:26,142 --> 00:45:29,141
"hey, do you know how dry
your grandma's vagina is?"
836
00:45:29,142 --> 00:45:31,141
That's fucking great!
837
00:45:31,142 --> 00:45:34,141
You know he's a great person.
838
00:45:34,142 --> 00:45:36,141
But I think the world of you.
839
00:45:36,142 --> 00:45:39,141
And for me, it was an honor
to be here tonight.
840
00:45:39,142 --> 00:45:41,141
Thanks.
841
00:45:41,142 --> 00:45:44,142
[Cheers and applause]
842
00:45:52,981 --> 00:45:54,981
- We're roasting Bob saget?
843
00:45:55,182 --> 00:45:57,181
I heard that Bob saget
844
00:45:57,182 --> 00:46:00,181
calls his balls
the Olsen twins.
845
00:46:00,182 --> 00:46:01,181
And that's actually--
846
00:46:01,182 --> 00:46:05,181
I know for a fact
that's not true, because
847
00:46:05,182 --> 00:46:07,181
he calls them Michelle.
848
00:46:07,182 --> 00:46:10,181
Greg giraldo,
it's like I don't--
849
00:46:10,182 --> 00:46:12,181
I think he's hispanic.
850
00:46:12,182 --> 00:46:14,181
He's, like,
nine different things.
851
00:46:14,182 --> 00:46:15,181
He's, like,
nine different nationalities.
852
00:46:15,182 --> 00:46:17,181
Or maybe eight.
853
00:46:17,182 --> 00:46:19,181
I don't know.
Is gay a nationality?
854
00:46:19,182 --> 00:46:22,181
Norm, Jim Norton,
Greg giraldo--
855
00:46:22,182 --> 00:46:23,181
why don't they just--
856
00:46:23,182 --> 00:46:25,181
they should've done the roast
at the racetrack,
857
00:46:25,182 --> 00:46:29,181
you know, where norm works.
858
00:46:29,182 --> 00:46:31,181
Oh, who's the, like,
really pretty little girl
859
00:46:31,182 --> 00:46:33,181
from full house?
860
00:46:33,182 --> 00:46:35,181
Oh, um,
861
00:46:35,182 --> 00:46:36,641
John stamos.
862
00:46:36,642 --> 00:46:39,181
He's hosting it.
863
00:46:39,182 --> 00:46:41,181
That should be good.
864
00:46:41,182 --> 00:46:45,181
I wish so much that I could be
at the roast in person,
865
00:46:45,182 --> 00:46:47,181
but I, um--
866
00:46:47,182 --> 00:46:49,181
just after everything
I've been through lately,
867
00:46:49,182 --> 00:46:51,181
I really need
to be around people
868
00:46:51,182 --> 00:46:54,181
that can make me laugh.
869
00:46:54,182 --> 00:46:57,181
I got Bob's mother
to tape something.
870
00:46:57,182 --> 00:47:00,182
And I just got it,
so let's look at it.
871
00:47:03,182 --> 00:47:07,181
- Bobby, what a son.
872
00:47:07,182 --> 00:47:08,181
[Laughs]
873
00:47:08,182 --> 00:47:11,181
I was proud of you
when you were bar mitzvahed,
874
00:47:11,182 --> 00:47:12,181
and when you got married
875
00:47:12,182 --> 00:47:15,181
and had
those wonderful children.
876
00:47:15,182 --> 00:47:20,181
And all those millions
you made on full house
877
00:47:20,182 --> 00:47:22,181
and America's home videos.
878
00:47:22,182 --> 00:47:26,181
And oh, if I had
to do it over again,
879
00:47:26,182 --> 00:47:29,181
I'd probably get an abortion.
880
00:47:29,182 --> 00:47:30,181
- [Sighs]
881
00:47:30,182 --> 00:47:32,182
God, I know that's Bob's mother,
882
00:47:32,183 --> 00:47:34,181
and it was so sweet of her
to do that,
883
00:47:34,182 --> 00:47:35,181
but I just hate that.
884
00:47:35,182 --> 00:47:39,181
I hate when people
use words like "abortion"
885
00:47:39,182 --> 00:47:40,181
just for a laugh.
886
00:47:40,182 --> 00:47:41,557
You know what I mean?
It's cheap.
887
00:47:41,558 --> 00:47:45,181
It's like--it's lazy comics
just getting a laugh
888
00:47:45,182 --> 00:47:46,181
with shock value,
889
00:47:46,182 --> 00:47:53,181
especially when it
comes to susie essman's cunt.
890
00:47:53,182 --> 00:47:56,182
[Cheers and applause]
891
00:48:01,182 --> 00:48:04,181
- Many comics on this dais
have worked holes in the wall.
892
00:48:04,182 --> 00:48:09,181
Our next roaster
just sucked a cock through one.
893
00:48:09,182 --> 00:48:11,181
You can see him
on the Internet sensation,
894
00:48:11,182 --> 00:48:15,181
one guy, two cups, and a baby.
895
00:48:15,182 --> 00:48:18,182
From meganslaw.Com...
896
00:48:20,182 --> 00:48:24,181
It's the Uncle fester
of unfunny, Jim Norton.
897
00:48:24,182 --> 00:48:27,182
[Cheers and applause]
898
00:48:32,182 --> 00:48:33,181
- Oh, thank you.
899
00:48:33,182 --> 00:48:35,181
How about a nice hand
for John stamos?
900
00:48:35,182 --> 00:48:36,182
Isn't he terrific?
901
00:48:40,182 --> 00:48:42,181
This is, honest to God,
the biggest collection
902
00:48:42,182 --> 00:48:45,181
of non-celebrities
I've ever seen in an audience.
903
00:48:45,182 --> 00:48:48,181
You know you have a shit crowd
when Alonzo bodden
904
00:48:48,182 --> 00:48:51,181
is "the big get."
905
00:48:51,182 --> 00:48:54,181
Winner of last comic standing
season three
906
00:48:54,182 --> 00:48:55,181
25 minutes before they did
907
00:48:55,182 --> 00:49:00,181
last comic standing
season four.
908
00:49:00,182 --> 00:49:03,182
Your head looks like one
of Shaq's balls.
909
00:49:09,182 --> 00:49:12,181
And Sarah silverman
was terrific.
910
00:49:12,182 --> 00:49:14,181
I know she's having a hard time,
but don't feel bad.
911
00:49:14,182 --> 00:49:16,181
Sarah's fucked
so many comedians,
912
00:49:16,182 --> 00:49:18,181
she has a little light
over her bed
913
00:49:18,182 --> 00:49:20,182
so they know when
they have two minutes left.
914
00:49:30,182 --> 00:49:34,181
And Brian posehn,
I'm so happy you're here.
915
00:49:34,182 --> 00:49:36,181
Your face always looks
916
00:49:36,182 --> 00:49:39,182
like you just saw
the ark of the covenant.
917
00:49:44,182 --> 00:49:47,181
Bob, how many people
turned down comedy central
918
00:49:47,182 --> 00:49:50,181
before they finally
settled on you?
919
00:49:50,182 --> 00:49:52,181
I mean, not to be a dick,
but like, you know,
920
00:49:52,182 --> 00:49:54,181
on the fucking
comic scale of importance,
921
00:49:54,182 --> 00:49:56,181
you're two notches below
Blair's cousin geri
922
00:49:56,182 --> 00:49:58,182
on the facts of life.
923
00:50:03,182 --> 00:50:07,181
Jeff garlin, how fat a man
do you intend on being?
924
00:50:07,182 --> 00:50:10,182
Fuck enthusiasm.
Curb your appetite.
925
00:50:19,182 --> 00:50:21,181
Norm MacDonald, God bless you.
926
00:50:21,182 --> 00:50:23,181
Watching your set
was like watching Henry Fonda
927
00:50:23,182 --> 00:50:26,182
pick blueberries.
928
00:50:36,182 --> 00:50:38,181
- Is that--
now, wait a minute.
929
00:50:38,182 --> 00:50:41,181
- What's that?
Oh, he wants to say something.
930
00:50:41,182 --> 00:50:43,181
- No, I just think
it would be--
931
00:50:43,182 --> 00:50:46,181
why, I don't think
there's a person in here
932
00:50:46,182 --> 00:50:48,181
that would not love
to watch Henry Fonda
933
00:50:48,182 --> 00:50:50,181
pick blueberries.
934
00:50:50,182 --> 00:50:53,182
- [Laughs]
935
00:50:54,182 --> 00:50:56,182
You raise a good point, norm.
936
00:51:01,182 --> 00:51:03,181
Jon lovitz,
it's gotten to a point
937
00:51:03,182 --> 00:51:08,182
where I almost feel like success
has a restraining order on you.
938
00:51:11,182 --> 00:51:13,181
God bless cloris leachman.
939
00:51:13,182 --> 00:51:14,181
You were terrific tonight.
940
00:51:14,182 --> 00:51:15,181
[Cheers and applause]
941
00:51:15,182 --> 00:51:17,182
Terrific.
942
00:51:24,182 --> 00:51:27,182
She costarred
in young Frankenstein.
943
00:51:28,182 --> 00:51:31,181
Wonderful.
944
00:51:31,182 --> 00:51:32,181
Although back then,
945
00:51:32,182 --> 00:51:34,181
she worked
under a different name:
946
00:51:34,182 --> 00:51:36,182
Peter boyle.
947
00:51:43,182 --> 00:51:45,181
I don't mean
to be a little blue here,
948
00:51:45,182 --> 00:51:50,181
but cloris leachman's pussy
is so dry,
949
00:51:50,182 --> 00:51:54,182
that when I tickled the lips,
it coughed on me.
950
00:51:59,182 --> 00:52:00,181
Life sucks.
951
00:52:00,182 --> 00:52:02,181
Pryor's dead.
Carlin's dead.
952
00:52:02,182 --> 00:52:05,182
Saget?
Healthy as a mule.
953
00:52:12,182 --> 00:52:13,181
Bob, you're a great guy,
954
00:52:13,182 --> 00:52:15,181
and I'm honored
to have been here with you,
955
00:52:15,182 --> 00:52:17,181
and you're a friend,
and I thank you so much.
956
00:52:17,182 --> 00:52:19,181
And it really is it out of love
that we shit on each other.
957
00:52:19,182 --> 00:52:20,181
Thank you guys so much.
958
00:52:20,182 --> 00:52:22,181
The great Bob saget.
959
00:52:22,182 --> 00:52:25,182
[Cheers and applause]
960
00:52:37,316 --> 00:52:38,315
We all know that,
961
00:52:38,316 --> 00:52:40,315
but once in a while
you got to kiss up to him,
962
00:52:40,316 --> 00:52:42,315
because he plays
the guitar well.
963
00:52:42,316 --> 00:52:43,315
And in case you have
a bar mitzvah
964
00:52:43,316 --> 00:52:45,315
or a private party,
you need somebody in the garden
965
00:52:45,316 --> 00:52:47,315
to stroll along
with the dirty words
966
00:52:47,316 --> 00:52:48,315
and his little guitar pick.
967
00:52:48,316 --> 00:52:51,315
I'm not gonna lie to you, Bob.
You have no talent.
968
00:52:51,316 --> 00:52:53,067
Get a harmonica,
put it on your ass,
969
00:52:53,068 --> 00:52:54,315
and try to come up
with a tune.
970
00:52:54,316 --> 00:52:57,315
John stamos, I can't believe it.
971
00:52:57,316 --> 00:53:00,315
You are the mc
of a guy that's going nowhere.
972
00:53:00,316 --> 00:53:01,315
And John, I'm a friend.
973
00:53:01,316 --> 00:53:02,315
Your case comes up Friday.
974
00:53:02,316 --> 00:53:05,315
She was only 11,
11 years old.
975
00:53:05,316 --> 00:53:07,315
You kept pulling on the dress.
You don't need that, John.
976
00:53:07,316 --> 00:53:09,315
Get yourself a day job
in Greece.
977
00:53:09,316 --> 00:53:10,315
Live there.
Clean apples.
978
00:53:10,316 --> 00:53:11,315
Do something.
979
00:53:11,316 --> 00:53:13,315
Run around looking for zorba.
980
00:53:13,316 --> 00:53:15,315
Bob, do yourself a favor.
981
00:53:15,316 --> 00:53:16,315
Go to Israel,
and get picked off.
982
00:53:16,316 --> 00:53:18,315
Get the Hamas to knock you off.
It's all over.
983
00:53:18,316 --> 00:53:21,315
In the meantime,
I'm going back to my estate,
984
00:53:21,316 --> 00:53:22,315
and we need a guy
to clean the lawn.
985
00:53:22,316 --> 00:53:23,315
So I'll give you a buzz, okay?
986
00:53:23,316 --> 00:53:25,316
Take care of yourself.
987
00:53:31,316 --> 00:53:34,315
Our next roaster
never opens his eyes,
988
00:53:34,316 --> 00:53:37,315
because he can't bear
to watch the audience walk out.
989
00:53:37,316 --> 00:53:40,315
Here to scream obscenities
in a screeching voice
990
00:53:40,316 --> 00:53:41,315
that never gets old,
991
00:53:41,316 --> 00:53:43,315
Gilbert gottfried.
992
00:53:43,316 --> 00:53:46,316
[Cheers and applause]
993
00:53:55,316 --> 00:54:00,315
- Thank you, John.
994
00:54:00,316 --> 00:54:03,315
Boy, is he funny or what?
995
00:54:03,316 --> 00:54:07,315
How can you follow John stamos?
996
00:54:07,316 --> 00:54:10,315
And they say greeks
aren't funny.
997
00:54:10,316 --> 00:54:13,315
And they say greeks smell bad.
998
00:54:13,316 --> 00:54:17,315
And they say their women
are fat and hairy.
999
00:54:17,316 --> 00:54:21,316
But enough about John
and his sisters.
1000
00:54:23,316 --> 00:54:25,315
Now, a lot of you are saying,
1001
00:54:25,316 --> 00:54:28,315
"why did we pick Bob saget?
1002
00:54:28,316 --> 00:54:30,315
"Why should we pick Bob saget,
1003
00:54:30,316 --> 00:54:36,315
"who raped and killed a girl
in 1990?
1004
00:54:36,316 --> 00:54:41,315
"Should we even waste
two seconds on Bob saget,
1005
00:54:41,316 --> 00:54:45,315
who raped and killed a girl
in 1990?"
1006
00:54:45,316 --> 00:54:47,315
Well, first of all,
it's not true.
1007
00:54:47,316 --> 00:54:55,315
It's not true that Bob saget
raped and killed a girl in 1990.
1008
00:54:55,316 --> 00:54:59,315
So if you have any proof
that Bob saget
1009
00:54:59,316 --> 00:55:02,315
raped and killed a girl in 1990,
1010
00:55:02,316 --> 00:55:04,315
stop gossiping,
1011
00:55:04,316 --> 00:55:07,316
and go right
to the police with it.
1012
00:55:17,316 --> 00:55:19,315
Jim Norton is a pervert.
1013
00:55:19,316 --> 00:55:21,315
He's a necrophiliac.
1014
00:55:21,316 --> 00:55:25,316
Last night, he fucked
norm MacDonald and his career.
1015
00:55:27,316 --> 00:55:29,316
- [Laughs]
1016
00:55:34,316 --> 00:55:37,315
- And cloris leachman.
1017
00:55:37,316 --> 00:55:42,315
Cloris leachman is so old
that her tits are labeled,
1018
00:55:42,316 --> 00:55:46,316
"whites only"
and "colored."
1019
00:55:55,316 --> 00:56:00,316
Her tits are a shameful time
in this country's history.
1020
00:56:03,316 --> 00:56:07,315
When I saw a great man
like nipsey Russell
1021
00:56:07,316 --> 00:56:10,315
pushed away
from one of her tits,
1022
00:56:10,316 --> 00:56:14,315
it was wrong.
1023
00:56:14,316 --> 00:56:20,315
Now, I watched Bob saget's
hbo special in high-def,
1024
00:56:20,316 --> 00:56:22,315
because in order to enjoy it,
1025
00:56:22,316 --> 00:56:25,316
you have to be
either high or deaf.
1026
00:56:35,316 --> 00:56:39,315
But his career's
totally insignificant.
1027
00:56:39,316 --> 00:56:40,315
I googled "Bob saget,"
1028
00:56:40,316 --> 00:56:44,316
and it came back, "why?"
1029
00:56:47,316 --> 00:56:50,315
Now I'd like to do
an old joke.
1030
00:56:50,316 --> 00:56:53,315
John stamos walks into a bar.
1031
00:56:53,316 --> 00:56:54,315
The bartender says,
1032
00:56:54,316 --> 00:56:56,315
"we have a drink
named after you."
1033
00:56:56,316 --> 00:56:58,315
John stamos says,
1034
00:56:58,316 --> 00:57:01,316
"you have a drink
named secret fag?"
1035
00:57:08,316 --> 00:57:14,315
Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen
walk into a bar.
1036
00:57:14,316 --> 00:57:18,315
They say to the bartender,
"give us two ass hurts."
1037
00:57:18,316 --> 00:57:20,315
The bartender says,
1038
00:57:20,316 --> 00:57:23,315
"how do you make an ass hurt?"
1039
00:57:23,316 --> 00:57:26,315
The Olsen twins say,
"well, Bob saget
1040
00:57:26,316 --> 00:57:29,315
"hands you a chocolate milk
that he just made,
1041
00:57:29,316 --> 00:57:33,315
"and you wake up
three hours later
1042
00:57:33,316 --> 00:57:35,316
lying on your stomach."
1043
00:57:50,316 --> 00:57:53,315
And lastly,
1044
00:57:53,316 --> 00:57:56,315
Bob saget walks into a bar,
1045
00:57:56,316 --> 00:57:59,315
and he says to the bartender,
1046
00:57:59,316 --> 00:58:01,315
"give me the Bob saget."
1047
00:58:01,316 --> 00:58:04,315
The bartender says,
"what's a Bob saget?"
1048
00:58:04,316 --> 00:58:07,315
And he says,
"you give me one shot,
1049
00:58:07,316 --> 00:58:09,315
"I suck it for eight years,
1050
00:58:09,316 --> 00:58:12,316
then you give me
$100 million."
1051
00:58:18,316 --> 00:58:20,315
God bless you all.
1052
00:58:20,316 --> 00:58:23,315
Don't use drugs.
1053
00:58:23,316 --> 00:58:26,316
[Cheers and applause]
1054
00:58:45,054 --> 00:58:48,053
- Well, it's been
a great night of comedy.
1055
00:58:48,054 --> 00:58:50,053
But all good things
must come to an end,
1056
00:58:50,054 --> 00:58:54,053
which means it's time
for our guest of honor.
1057
00:58:54,054 --> 00:58:56,053
I can't believe that
after spending so many years
1058
00:58:56,054 --> 00:58:59,053
begging him to shut up,
I'm now gonna ask him to speak.
1059
00:58:59,054 --> 00:59:00,053
It takes a big man
1060
00:59:00,054 --> 00:59:02,053
to sit up here
and take all this.
1061
00:59:02,054 --> 00:59:03,053
And I'll tell you two guys
1062
00:59:03,054 --> 00:59:05,053
that are laughing
the hardest tonight:
1063
00:59:05,054 --> 00:59:06,054
Our fathers.
1064
00:59:09,054 --> 00:59:13,053
Please welcome
the great Bob saget.
1065
00:59:13,054 --> 00:59:16,054
[Cheers and applause]
1066
00:59:37,054 --> 00:59:38,053
- Thank you.
1067
00:59:38,054 --> 00:59:40,053
Thank you very much.
1068
00:59:40,054 --> 00:59:42,053
What a night.
1069
00:59:42,054 --> 00:59:43,053
Thank you, John.
1070
00:59:43,054 --> 00:59:45,053
This is the longest
John stamos has gone
1071
00:59:45,054 --> 00:59:48,054
without putting his cock
in a desperate actress.
1072
00:59:51,054 --> 00:59:52,053
Yeah.
1073
00:59:52,054 --> 00:59:54,053
You know, they say
the measure of a man
1074
00:59:54,054 --> 00:59:56,053
is judged
by the company he keeps.
1075
00:59:56,054 --> 01:00:00,053
I'm fucked.
1076
01:00:00,054 --> 01:00:02,053
Greg giraldo,
you should be a bigger star.
1077
01:00:02,054 --> 01:00:03,053
You should be much bigger.
1078
01:00:03,054 --> 01:00:06,053
You have more talent
in your little finger--
1079
01:00:06,054 --> 01:00:09,053
oh, sorry.
That's your dick.
1080
01:00:09,054 --> 01:00:13,053
Jeff garlin
is a very funny fuck.
1081
01:00:13,054 --> 01:00:14,053
I'm sorry.
Last minute changes.
1082
01:00:14,054 --> 01:00:15,053
I apologize.
1083
01:00:15,054 --> 01:00:20,053
Jeff garlin is a very fat fuck.
1084
01:00:20,054 --> 01:00:22,053
Jeff's so fat...
1085
01:00:22,054 --> 01:00:23,053
[Chuckles]
1086
01:00:23,054 --> 01:00:28,053
His last comedy special
was shot in imax.
1087
01:00:28,054 --> 01:00:30,053
Norm MacDonald, norm,
1088
01:00:30,054 --> 01:00:33,053
you're the funniest man I know,
1089
01:00:33,054 --> 01:00:36,054
because these are
the other people that I know.
1090
01:00:40,054 --> 01:00:43,053
Norm is such a horrible gambler,
1091
01:00:43,054 --> 01:00:46,054
he bet that jon lovitz
would be funny tonight.
1092
01:00:48,054 --> 01:00:50,053
Okay, now I'd like
to say a few words
1093
01:00:50,054 --> 01:00:52,053
about susie's vagina.
1094
01:00:52,054 --> 01:00:54,053
I don't want to say
that her vagina is foul,
1095
01:00:54,054 --> 01:00:57,053
but it has a beak and feathers.
1096
01:00:57,054 --> 01:01:00,053
In fact, her vagina
got a job last year
1097
01:01:00,054 --> 01:01:05,053
as the monster in cloverfield.
1098
01:01:05,054 --> 01:01:07,053
Jeff Ross,
Jeff, we're buddies...
1099
01:01:07,054 --> 01:01:09,053
- Yeah!
1100
01:01:09,054 --> 01:01:10,053
- But I've always wanted
to tell you this.
1101
01:01:10,054 --> 01:01:12,053
You look like they took
the friars club
1102
01:01:12,054 --> 01:01:14,053
and beat you
in the face with it.
1103
01:01:14,054 --> 01:01:15,053
If you looked
any more like a horse,
1104
01:01:15,054 --> 01:01:19,053
norm MacDonald
would lose ten grand on you.
1105
01:01:19,054 --> 01:01:22,053
[Sighs]
1106
01:01:22,054 --> 01:01:25,053
Brian posehn.
Am I saying it right?
1107
01:01:25,054 --> 01:01:28,053
Is it bri-an?
1108
01:01:28,054 --> 01:01:30,053
Look at that face.
1109
01:01:30,054 --> 01:01:32,054
Did any other lesbians
survive the fire?
1110
01:01:37,054 --> 01:01:39,053
Which brings us to jon lovitz.
1111
01:01:39,054 --> 01:01:42,053
Jon, your act
is like masturbation.
1112
01:01:42,054 --> 01:01:43,053
You're the only one
who enjoys it,
1113
01:01:43,054 --> 01:01:48,053
and you should be arrested
for doing it in public.
1114
01:01:48,054 --> 01:01:49,053
But I love you, John
1115
01:01:49,054 --> 01:01:52,053
stamos.
1116
01:01:52,054 --> 01:01:56,053
Cloris leachman, it's truly
an honor to have you here.
1117
01:01:56,054 --> 01:01:59,054
[Cheers and applause]
1118
01:02:00,054 --> 01:02:03,053
Cloris was very hard
to get for this roast,
1119
01:02:03,054 --> 01:02:07,053
because she communicates
by telegraph.
1120
01:02:07,054 --> 01:02:08,053
Gilbert gottfried.
1121
01:02:08,054 --> 01:02:12,053
Gilbert.
Gilbert.
1122
01:02:12,054 --> 01:02:14,053
Why are you always squinting?
1123
01:02:14,054 --> 01:02:18,054
Seriously, it's like
you're staring at an eclipse.
1124
01:02:23,054 --> 01:02:27,053
Oh, I'm sorry.
It's your career.
1125
01:02:27,054 --> 01:02:28,053
Look at you.
1126
01:02:28,054 --> 01:02:31,053
That's the face
of a pedophile.
1127
01:02:31,054 --> 01:02:33,053
What better way
to lure a kid into a van
1128
01:02:33,054 --> 01:02:35,054
than to use the parrot voice
from Aladdin?
1129
01:02:45,054 --> 01:02:47,053
Jim Norton,
1130
01:02:47,054 --> 01:02:49,053
you look like something
that just got burned
1131
01:02:49,054 --> 01:02:53,053
off stamos's cock.
1132
01:02:53,054 --> 01:02:54,053
You are the most
repugnant creature
1133
01:02:54,054 --> 01:02:56,053
I have ever seen.
1134
01:02:56,054 --> 01:03:00,054
You look like a mongoloid
fucked an iguana.
1135
01:03:03,054 --> 01:03:06,053
And then there's my good friend
John stamos.
1136
01:03:06,054 --> 01:03:09,054
[Cheers and applause]
1137
01:03:10,054 --> 01:03:11,053
He's so handsome.
1138
01:03:11,054 --> 01:03:14,053
Even his dick
has a great hairline.
1139
01:03:14,054 --> 01:03:19,053
During full house,
John's dick had a mullet.
1140
01:03:19,054 --> 01:03:20,053
In the '80s,
there were two things
1141
01:03:20,054 --> 01:03:22,053
every actress wanted to be on:
1142
01:03:22,054 --> 01:03:26,053
The love boat
and John stamos's cock.
1143
01:03:26,054 --> 01:03:28,053
Neither help your career,
but at least the love boat
1144
01:03:28,054 --> 01:03:31,053
didn't try
to fuck you in the ass.
1145
01:03:31,054 --> 01:03:33,054
That would have been
exciting and new.
1146
01:03:36,054 --> 01:03:40,053
I love you, Jesse.
1147
01:03:40,054 --> 01:03:42,053
This, honestly,
has been quite a night.
1148
01:03:42,054 --> 01:03:44,053
I was concerned,
because it's hard
1149
01:03:44,054 --> 01:03:46,053
to make fun of my friends
and the people I love,
1150
01:03:46,054 --> 01:03:50,053
but luckily,
none of them are here.
1151
01:03:50,054 --> 01:03:52,053
And it's really--truly,
it's really great to be honored
1152
01:03:52,054 --> 01:03:53,053
and to be part
of a hit show,
1153
01:03:53,054 --> 01:03:55,053
and I know this
is gonna be a hit show,
1154
01:03:55,054 --> 01:03:56,053
because I'm on it,
1155
01:03:56,054 --> 01:03:58,053
and we're gonna edit out
jon lovitz.
1156
01:03:58,054 --> 01:04:00,053
'Cause that's what I do.
1157
01:04:00,054 --> 01:04:02,053
I star in monster TV shows,
and I cut out the lame parts,
1158
01:04:02,054 --> 01:04:06,053
you talentless,
white motherfuckers.
1159
01:04:06,054 --> 01:04:09,053
So in summation,
and I mean this to all of you
1160
01:04:09,054 --> 01:04:11,053
from the bottom of my heart,
1161
01:04:11,054 --> 01:04:14,053
fuck you all,
and suck my $100 million cock.
1162
01:04:14,054 --> 01:04:15,053
[Cheers and applause]
1163
01:04:15,054 --> 01:04:18,054
Good night, and thank you.
84763
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