All language subtitles for Two.Night.Stand.2014.1080p.BluRay.x265-RARBG-ing

Shit! Fuck!

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck...

♪ When you go

♪ Please don't leave your love
in the sun

♪ My heart would melt away

♪ In the night
with your twisted tongue

♪ When you drop the bomb
I'm blown away

♪ 'Cause I-I-I-I

♪ Refuse to hide
in the page of the story

♪ I-I-I-I

♪ Come out the box
I won't say I'm sorry

♪ We in the nuclear season

♪ In the shelter,
I survived this road

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

♪ We in the nuclear season

♪ Summer lovin'
in the backseat gone

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

♪ Now, I'm facing this on my own

♪ 'Cause you tasted the blast
and it shook your bones

♪ I'm a warrior all alone

♪ In the field of lies,
I won't go home

♪ 'Cause I-I-I-I'm

♪ Gonna burn my skin
in the blaze of glory

♪ I-I-I-I'm

♪ Well, come out, your hands up,
and say, "I'm sorry"

♪ We in the nuclear season

♪ In the shelter
I survived this road

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

♪ We in the nuclear season

♪ Summer lovin'
in the backseat gone

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

♪ We survived nuclear seasons

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh... ♪

Looking for
homemade, fresh baked goods?

Come to Terry's
Country Bake Shop in Red Hook,

home of 'Family Circle'
magazine's...

With
its stunning natural beauty,

Fiji is the ideal holiday
tropical paradise for couples.

Well, Dave,

while we didn't get the white
Christmas we were hoping for,

Mother Nature may have
a few tricks up her sleeve.

We're getting forecasts
of a hurricane-force blizzard

coming tonight...

Oh, Megan.
Right where I left you.

- How adorable.
- Caught me red-handed.

I'm just... I'm such a sucker
for the classic American novel.

- Bad day?
- No. I'm just exhausted.

Yeah, I know. Me too, right.
Phew.

Maybe it's time to get a job.

You're telling me.

Yes. I am.

I look for fulfilling work
all the time.

I just happen to be taking
a break whenever you're around.

It's like studying
when Mom is watching.

Did you talk to your parents
about the lease?

Because the deadline's
on the first

and Cedric is willing
to take over if you...

Yeah, no, I haven't made a
decision on that yet, per se...

How did you not
make a decision yet?

I mean, what did you do today?

Or what did you do this week?

I did Christmas.

And I also started
online dating.

Seriously? Ah!

Yes. Yeah, shut up.

No, I'm proud.

You meet anyone?

I said 'started'.
I'm not a machine.

Oh, oh, and I also really like

that idea of going Dutch
on principle

except, you know,
I don't have any money

so it's kind of more
of an intellectual exercise.

Hey, where are you going?
You just got home!

Cedric's friend is having this
birthday thing at this bar.

So then
you're not cooking dinner?

Nah. Yeah.

Do you wanna come?

Well, it kind of depends
on the cake situation.

Well, the birthday boy
is single.

He's not the brightest
but he's pretty,

so he's perfect
for a one-night stand.

I don't know.
Do you think I'm ready?

Who cares?
I'm ready for you to be ready.

I mean, seriously, how long
has it been? Aren't you horny?

I knew you two little freaks
be having

these type of conversations
when I'm not around.

I knew it! Especially you.

- Hi, Cedric.
- I knew it. I caught you.

Well, yes, no, I'm horny,

but I'm also
somewhat lazy, sometimes.

So, um, the two counteract,
like... like duelling wizards.

Not anymore.
Tonight is the night.

- Faiza's setting me up.
- I'm thinking Ben.

I like that. That's cool.

Ben. Whoop!

- What up?
- Hi.

Er, ID, please.

- Oh, I'm a girl.
- Er, no.

I'm sorry, you look kinda young.

Take it like a compliment,
alright.

Shit!

How did you lose your ID again?
You don't go anywhere!

OK, wait, look,
I am old enough, I swear.

Do you see that?
Right there? It moves.

Oh, my God. Megan.

Hi. ID?

Oh, shit...

Awkward...

Hey.

I heard you're doing good.

From who?

I don't know.
I just said that to be nice.

Oh.

Chris, I think this girl's
trying to get by you.

Oh, no. Er, this is...
This is Becca.

Becca, this is Faiza
and Cedric and Megan.

Megan and I,
we were together for a bit.

Is that the abridged version?
Just like that?

You two coming in
or what?

Nice to meet you.

Good seeing you, Megan.

I don't even wanna hear
you guys say it.

If we knew he was gonna be here
I would have warned you.

This is a serious pattern.
I am regressing.

Last year I was in college
and I was Chris's fiancé

and I drank wine in restaurants.

And now I am at home all day
in my underwear,

and I'm nobody's nothing,
and I can't even get into a bar.

What is happening to me?
I am going backwards!

I am Benjamin Button-ing!

He moved on. So what!
So can you.

I say take a cab home,

get on that dating site,
pick a cute guy.

No drinks. No dinner.
Just a hook-up.

Do... OK, you can't order it.

It's not Edible Arrangements!

Er, yeah, you can.
You have tits and the internet.

- Cedric, back me up.
- Internet. Tits.

Let's go.

Desperate times
call for desperate measures.

Go get 'em, tiger.
You got this.

Right?

Ah!

♪ All my life
There you go

♪ Oh, please stay

♪ Just this once

♪ Anyway

♪ All my life
There they go

♪ Oh please stay
For the night... ♪

Nope!

♪ Anyway... ♪

OK.

Fuck it.

He moved on. So can I.

Keepin' it lower case.
Keepin' it casual.

Really?!

OK. Come on.

The bar is so low,
it's so very low.

I sound like a computer virus.

Awe... some.

OK.

♪ All my life
There you go

♪ Oh, please stay

♪ Just this once
Anyway... ♪

"Hang out."

♪ There they go

♪ Oh, please stay
For the night

♪ Anyway... ♪

Wait! Oh, shit.

Er...

Safety first.

Hey, there.

Oh, man, I was just...
I was just so sure

I was gonna see
a close-up of a penis.

Um, yeah. Me too.

Wow. You are really pretty.
Really pretty.

Er, anyway, so this is me -

soak it in,
and this is my apartment.

As you can see,
it's a magical wonderland.

So do I pass the test?

- Or...
- Um... yes.

I think so.

I've actually...
I've never done this before.

- Me neither.
- No. No, no.

Like, I know
that people say that,

but I REALLY... I haven't.

- Nothing.
- I know. Me neither.

Oh. Good. Um...

OK, well, I guess
then I will see you soon?

That is awesome.
I mean, that is cool. Sweet.

I will... That would be a very
nice thing to happen, Megan.

- I will see you soon.
- OK.

OK. 'Bye.

I cannot believe I'm schlepping
to Brooklyn for a booty call.

That is fucking scandalous.

I don't think
it shut off right.

No! No, the TV!

Alright. Shit. Stay calm.

Is that a...
Is that a burglar alarm?

Did you sleep with your coat on?

Yeah. I get cold.
You should get the intruder!

Alarm reset.

- False alarm.
- That's so weird.

It's a bummer
that it woke us up, though,

but I should get going.

Um... I had a great time.

Thank you.

It's, er... perfect
for what I needed, so...

Awesome.

Ambitious.

That's... some alarm
you got there.

Yeah, I don't even remember
setting it.

For 11:04. Hmm. Weird.

Uh, morning, Megan.

Good morning, Alex.

It's, er... Alec, actually.

Yeah.

What'd I say?

Alex.

Do your way one more time.

Alec.
It's got a 'C' at the end of it.

Yeah. It's OK.

Gotcha. Sorry.

Well, um...

...I had a blast.

So thank you for having me.

You're welcome.

My only concern is
how we're gonna sugar-coat this

when we tell our grandkids
how we met.

Right?

Yeah. Um, we'll cross that
bridge when we come to it, huh?

So do you wanna grab breakfast

or do you normally
just take off?

"Normally"?

Huh?

You said "normally".

Just... like I do this so much

that I'd have a normal
and an abnormal version of it.

That's... yeah,
that's not what I meant.

I have no idea
how often you do this.

I told you last night
that this is my first time

doing anything,
you know, remotely like this.

Yeah, but... come on.

Come on. What?

Megan, do you expect me
to believe

this is your first
one-night stand ever?

Yes!

I mean, the only reason
that I'm here

is because my roommate,

she peer-pressured
the shit out of me.

Yeah, she 'sexiled' you
or whatever, right?

Exactly, and yet I am sensing
some distinctly judgey vibes

coming from
your side of the bed,

which is odd considering
the teamwork involved.

There's no judgey vibes coming
from this side of the bed.

Honestly, I really admire
what you did.

I wish more girls
were that forward.

'Forward'. There we go
with the slut thing again.

I'm not calling you a slut!

I'm calling you a girl

who went over to
a stranger's house at midnight.

If only there was a word
for someone who does that.

Wow! You know what? Screw you!

That was a joke. I'm sorry.

You invited me here,
just remember that.

That's not quite how it happened
but it doesn't matter.

Look, can we please
just eat breakfast?

I make oatmeal with a little
smiley face made out of jelly.

And it's not slutty at all.

You know what,
save your oatmeal.

I think I'm gonna take off.

But thanks for having me, it
was awesome to get to know you.

Have a nice life, Alex.

OK, cool, well,
I'm just gonna assume

that time was on purpose
because I told you

my name is Alec with a 'C',
like, a dozen times.

It wasn't, but don't worry,
you just have a stupid name.

OK! Cool! Well, 'bye. It was
lovely having sex with you!

Oh, I wish I could say the same.

Sounded like you had
a pretty good time last night.

You know what? Don't believe
everything you hear.

Especially when it's something
like, "Hey, Alec - cool name."

What is that? Sounds like
a first draft of a name!

- OK. Fuck you, Megan.
- Fuck you back.

Ah. OK.

What?

Ow! Shit!

Imagine a sleeping little
angel-faced angel.

OK. No, I'm the angel.

And this angel is being woken up

by a fucking junkyard dog
in a hot girl body!

OK, and that's my morning.

Look, I can't...

Ah. Mom, I will call you back.

Hi, there. It's Alec, right?

Mmm.

What, is there a little snow
outside? Yeah?

Mmm, well, New Yorkers...

I don't wanna say
that you guys are pussies,

but, seriously,
you should see what a winter

in Minnesota looks like.

I'll get you a cab.

Oh. Thanks.

Holy shit,
that's a lot of snow!

- Hmm.
- Hmm.

Hmm. Wow.

Hey, folks,

I hope you aren't planning on
going anywhere anytime soon

'cause let me tell you
something,

it ain't gonna happen, OK?

We are seeing record snowfalls!

This thing came in overnight

and has New York City
in a total white-out!

We're talking about
tens of thousands

of stranded holiday travellers.

The entire city transit system
is shut down.

The streets
have not even been ploughed!

The mayor's office is urging
people to stay indoors

and to avoid
all non-essential travel.

So get cosy, folks, 'cause
it's gonna be a long weekend.

Faiza, you have to do something.

I cannot stay here.
This is the worst.

Are you even
watching the news?

There's nothing we can do.

See how nice this is?
This could be every day.

Mmm.

But Cedric's an EMT!

Can't he, like helicopter me
out of here, or something?

Is that Cedric?
Is Cedric laughing at me?

No, no, no, no.

OK, just make the best of it

and we'll rescue you as soon
as we can, OK, I promise.

No, no, no, no!

I would not be here
if you did not slut me out!

Sorry, I can't hear you.

What?

I think the snow
is messing with the...

...with the satel... satellites!

- OK, 'bye!
- 'Bye.

Faiza!

- Mmm.
- Grab that ass!

This storm is literally
going to dump

all over the Tri-State Area.

It's what I deserve.
It's penance.

Wow, that is officially
the worst review

my oatmeal's ever received.

It's what I get
for slutting it up.

Um, so you really think
God made this blizzard

to punish you for being slutty?

No. I don't think God did it.
That's ridiculous.

I think my grandmother did
and I just don't know how.

Right. That makes sense.

Well, I would prefer
not to spend the next 24 hours

in an uncomfortable silence
with you,

so why don't we just pretend
that we never had sex?

Didn't happen.

Er, and then we can pretend
that it's just the weather

and not your passive-aggressive
magical grandmother.

No.

That's like trying to get the
toothpaste back into the tube.

You can't do it. It is out
there. I have seen your penis.

You've implied I'm a slut.
Those are big things.

Did you just call my penis big?

Er, no. No, I did not.

I called the implication
of your penis big.

Well, it's still nice to hear.

You can't just erase the fact
that two people had sex.

I think you underestimate us.

Hi, I'm Alec.

I'm Megan.

Megan, it's very nice
to meet you.

Um, what do you do for a living?

Oh, Jesus? That?!
That's what we're doing? Er, no!

Seriously? Already?
We just started. Mm-mm.

OK.

We are monitoring this
situation very closely.

We're experiencing
massive shutdowns

all over the Tri-State Area.

That includes Dutchess County,
Harlan County,

Bronson County,

Middlesworth County...

...Monmouth County.

Wow, how the time flies.

Alright, we'll try again.

But there are rules -

no upsetting questions.

I didn't realise it was one.

Well, now you do.

OK, I am trying very hard
to think of a question

that could in no way
be construed as upsetting.

Do you like... dogs?

A perfectly non-upsetting
question. Good job.

Yes, I like dogs.

Mmm. Me too.

I have to use the restroom.

That's allowed.

What?

"Damaged"?
You don't know me!

Do you possibly have headphones?

Thank you.

Um, Megan?

What happened?

What happened? You happened.
What is that?

Oh, God. Arggh!

Don't worry about it.
I'll take care of it.

No. No, no, no.
You... just step away.

You are not cleaning that up.

You will just hold it
over my head. Go to your room.

I can handle this.

Gross.

Cold and gross.

It just keeps coming.

Hey, you gotta turn the knob!

No, I mean the punishments
from the universe.

It's the flood!
It's practically biblical!

Where the fuck is your plunger?!

It should be right next to
the, um...

Ah, shit! I let my buddy borrow
my plunger. Dammit.

That's why you never let your
friends borrow plungers.

There's, like,
a thousand reasons.

Look, just, er, shut the door.
I'll deal with it later.

Hey, I just thought of an idea
that could fix everything.

Do you wanna get high?

Yeah, me neither.
That was just a test.

Didn't know if you were a cop.
Hmm.

Yep, I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna get high.

You don't care, do you?

Your apartment.

I'm warning you, though -

you're about to think
that I'm really cool.

My buddy made it -
I don't know if you can tell,

but he smokes a lot of pot.

I try to encourage
his creativity.

No. I think it fits you.

Sorry, I'd open a window,
but, you know...

It is a mystery
why you don't have a girlfriend.

Hey! I'm a catch.

I bet you 150 bucks
you're gonna die alone.

Well, my future
smoking-hot widow

will gladly accept your money.

Hey, I'm just saying

you could afford to take
the edge off a little bit.

Could be good for you.
You should embrace it.

Yeah, I've gotten high before.

Not with me.

Fine.

It better make you funnier.

Yeah. Smoke that shit.

So earlier you asked
what I did for a living

and I kinda got a little feisty.

You? Feisty? Can't picture it.

Well, the answer is...

...I am less-than-employed
at the moment.

I don't do anything.

See, last year I was able
to say, "I'm a pre-med student,"

which sounds
kind of impressive, right?

But then I graduated and I'm not
allowed to say it anymore.

Um, I think your profile
said 'pre-med student'.

Yeah, no,
I just haven't changed it yet.

Didn't you make that profile
two days ago? That's weird.

What is this,
like an interrogation?!

- You got something to hide?
- No, I just...

I think
I'm just in that limbo phase.

It's not like your degree
has instructions on it.

Well, boom!

Home run!
Twins win the World Series!

Well, your degree
did say 'pre-med',

so you would think
something follows that.

What was that?

Hmm.

So...

Why did you major in pre-med

if you didn't wanna go
into medicine?

I always thought I'd change it
but then I graduated.

Whoops.

Wait. How does that happen?

Easier than you would think.
What do you do for a living?

I work at a bank.

Wow. Fancy. Banking.

No, just 'bank'.
I'm an assistant manager.

How does someone like you get
into something that's so...

- Wildly exciting?
- Yes.

Yes. Um, I don't know.

I mean, you know,
like, when you're 17

and you just wanna get out there

and show the world everything
that you have to offer,

because you have
all this stuff to say?

I don't know
what that feels like.

I don't know.

I never felt like I needed a job
to define my life.

Do you like your job?

Since when are you
supposed to like your job?

I think our generation

catastrophically
misunderstands that.

Interesting.

I forgot the food.
I'm going back for it.

Huh? No, no, no.
Please. Allow me.

- Well, now I am impressed.
- Mm-hm.

'Cause it's like a butler
that is also a rug.

For the man who has everything
except a rug.

Mmm.

You know,
I used to smoke back in college.

But one summer
I walked in on my parents

smoking out of a vaporiser
and watching Italian porn...

Oh, my God.

...which is kind of the greatest
anti-drug PSA of all time.

That is awesome!

Kinda gross, but...
It is... but it is funny.

Growing up, all of my friends'
parents were divorced,

you know, but mine,
they were always so happy.

They were just
so disgustingly happy.

It's a lot to live up to.

I think it kinda messed me up.

My parents
are still married too.

Yeah? Oh. Put it up.

What!

Yep, when I was a kid I used
to wish that they'd get divorced

'cause I was jealous
of all my friends

who got to have two Christmases.

Uh-uh.

- Mm-mm.
- Mm-hm.

- Mmm.
- What?

- You should turn this off.
- You don't like this song?

No. I love this song.

It's gonna make me wanna dance.

Yes. You should.

- No. Trust me.
- Yes!

Oh, are you, like, a bad dancer?

Oh, no. No, no, no.

I am an epic dancer,

but you see...

See, if you see me dance

you'll follow me around
like a little puppy dog.

And it'll be embarrassing
for us both.

So you have to stay here
for your own safety.

Trust me on that one.

♪ And I'm so sick
of you tonight

♪ You never stay awake
when I get home

♪ It's something wrong with me
Or something wrong with you

♪ I really wish I knew,
wish I knew, wish I knew

♪ I'll give you candy
I'll give you diamonds

♪ Give you pills

♪ I'll give you
anything you want

♪ Hundred-dollar bills

♪ I'd even let you watch
the shows you wanna see

♪ Because you'd married me,
married me, married me

♪ Married me, married me,
married me... ♪

OK, um...

So I would just like to...

...frame the next question
in the context

that my diet doesn't normally
consist of junk food.

And with that in mind...

Hypothetically...
- Yep.

...if one were to need
to make use of a bathroom...

...how might one do that...

...in these special
circumstances?

Stop smiling.

Oh...

...that's actually
a great question.

Um...

Are these
your creepy neighbours?

Are you the creepy neighbour?

You're totally
the creepy neighbour. Hmm.

Hey, Miss Lo Pan? It's Alec.

I just really need
to borrow your plunger.

It's kind of an emergency.

That wouldn't happen
to be their mailbox, would it?

Oh, yeah. You know what, they're
probably away for the holidays.

You did not just laugh!

- It's kind of funny.
- Do you see this face?

- This is my panic face.
- Do we understand?

- Yeah.
- OK.

- We do.
- Good.

Have no fear, the trusty coat
hanger's here to save the day.

Aw, shucks, I bet you say that
to all the girls.

We're just... we're kind of
on a clock here...

I mean, there's a Plan B,

but it might sound
kinda out there.

We are not getting high again!

Yes, we are.
No, I'm just kidding.

The windows in this building,
they don't really work right.

So we can go out the window,
climb up to the roof,

go to the other side

and then get in through
the Lo Pans' fire escape.

OK.

Maybe just you should do this.

I'm not breaking
and entering alone!

The whole reason
we're doing this is for you!

Er, why do you have that?

- My grandmother left it to me.
- Mmm.

Yep. All style complaints
go to her.

Oh, I see. Mm-hm.

Sweet.

Let's do this!

You couldn't just
shit in the sink, huh!

- What's wrong?!
- It's frozen shut!

It won't budge!

We gotta go back.

There is no turning back!

Whoa! What the fuck?!
Are you kidding me?

Hey, are you fucking insane?

I'm gonna have
to pay for that!

I had to!
They would totally understand.

- Look, you are a ruiner.
- I am not a ruiner!

Sorry, I gotta pee. I had to!
You understand.

- No, no, no, no...
- You understand.

You are an asshole
in so many languages!

You understand.

Oh, yeah.
This pee feels so good.

Oh.

Whoops. Sorry. False alarm.

Yeah.

Oh, God.

Just so you know, I'm giving you
the silent treatment too.

I just didn't know if you could
tell and I wanted you to know.

Hey, I think we've solved the
mystery of the clogged toilet.

Wait, what? No, no.
I told you I would do that!

What is this?

- No. It's nothing.
- What are you doing?

That's gross. Megan, this was
in a toilet. That's gross!

OK?

If you had a problem
with the reading material,

you could have just
said something.

It's just some stupid article.

It wasn't stupid, though.
It was spot on.

How pathetic is that?
It's so pathetic.

Do you really think

my name sounds like
the first draft of a name?

Yeah.

Like a good first draft,
you know.

Like, it's really close.

And did you really fake it?

- What are you talking about?
- Last night.

You know, when you were making

what I would describe

as, like, banshee-esque screams
of pleasure.

And then this morning

you called into question
their authenticity, so...

Whoa, what happened to,

like, "Hey, let's just pretend
we never had sex?"

Yeah, I'm over that.

Why are you even thinking
about this again?

I haven't stopped
thinking about it.

Oh, alright, well, see,

I just said those things
to hurt your feelings

because you hurt mine, you know?

Yeah, I don't really buy that

'cause I think women
are most honest, actually,

when they're trying
to hurt somebody's feelings.

Fine, but this can't be
the first time

a woman's faked it for you.

Er... it definitely was.

You made your ex come, huh?

Mm-hm. Yep.
Pretty much all the time.

Yeah? That often?

And did she... did she come
before or after you?

Usually we... we would come
simultaneously.

At the same time.

- I'm telling you!
- Yeah? Bullshit.

Oh. That's mean.

No, it's nothing to be
ashamed of either.

It's really hard to do.
For guys it's so easy.

It's just...
You know, it's friction.

But for girls there's a whole
lot of intangibles down there.

And it's bad that we fake it.

It's not good for you.
It doesn't help us.

It doesn't help the next girl.

Hmm. Oh, but you're
a really great kisser.

- Mmm.
- Yeah. You got that down pat.

- I practise on my hand.
- It's just... the other stuff.

But I had a good time.

OK.

Well, yep, let's talk
about this.

So what, er...
Yeah, what did I do wrong?

OK, it's not about
what you did wrong.

It's just how people sync up.

You know, how they fit together.

Mm-hm.
And we didn't sync up well?

- Do you think we did?
- Well, it's the first time.

It's awkward.
You don't know what to say.

You don't know what
you're touching. It's awkward.

It's not like that changes
after the first time.

Well, I mean, eventually
they learn what you like more,

but you can never
talk about it openly

'cause guys are so sensitive.

You know, suggesting
just the tiniest thing

and it freaks them out

because then they think you've
been thinking that every time.

Then they get mad that you
didn't say something earlier

and you didn't
say something earlier

because it would've been
too soon.

The only thing
that there is to do

is train them to recognise
different levels of moans

without them realising
you're doing it,

in my experience.

- Wow.
- It works.

Or maybe it's just me.

No. It's like camp, you know?

You have to do
this activity with a partner,

but you can't say anything

so you're stumbling
your way through it.

Yeah. It's just like camp.

- Mm-hm.
- What camp did you go to?

Holy shit!

I just had a great idea.
Do you feel it, the two of us?

It's a pretty good opportunity
right now.

What... What is?

This. Right here.

- I'm not...
- You don't get it?

OK, look, listen to me -
so we're trapped.

We're, like, this incredible
experiment right now.

We're lab rats.

We've had sex, but we don't have
feelings for each other, right?

And as soon as that snow clears,
you're gone.

Like Mexico gone.

We don't know
any of the same people,

so we're probably never
gonna see each other again.

Yes.

So we can use this time
to be honest with each other,

and we can give
each other advice

and constructive criticism
to make each other better lovers

for the next person
that comes along.

OK, firstly, you cannot
pull off the word 'lovers'.

I think I can.

Secondly, what you are proposing
is potentially...

It's a horrible... It sucks!
It's a bad idea.

- Don't... What?!
- Are you kidding me?

This is the best idea
I've ever had!

- That's so sad!
- Look, Megan, listen.

You can't just,
like, drop a bomb on me

like, "Hey, maybe
you've never made a girl come

"in your entire fucking life,"

and then say
you don't wanna talk about it.

I wanna talk!

Guys can't handle constructive
criticism about that stuff.

You'll get all pissy.

No. I promise you that I will
not get pissy if you don't.

What do you mean if I don't?

Oh, did you think this was just,

like, a one-way street
or something?

You think
you got pointers for me?

Well, yeah.
A thing or two crossed my mind.

But I guess you'll never know.

Will you?

Jesus. Fine.
Alright. I bite - go.

OK, great. This is good.

Now, this is not just you -
I wanna make that clear.

Um, OK, the lights-off thing -
what the fuck is that?

If the lights are off,

like you requested
and I so gentlemanly obliged,

I could be having sex
with anything, literally!

But I don't wanna be
having sex with anything.

I wanna be having sex with you.

Not you specifically,
but, like, the universal you.

Lights on? Wow...

All guys feel that way?

I can only speak for me
and my friends, but yeah.

Duh! Girls hear that more than
hello. That's what you got?

All I'm saying is
that we're young

and we're hot-looking people

and we should embrace that shit
while we have it.

Alright, fine! Guys like
to do it with the lights on.

Noted. Awesome. Shocked.
What else you got?

- Do you want more?
- Do you have more?

Yeah, I do. OK. Um...

What else do you do
that I don't like?

OK, yeah, you do this thing
where you stand up from the bed

and you kind of turn
halfway around

and then you get undressed
as fast as you can all at once

and it's like
you're getting ready

for a physical or something.

I've never had any complaints
about how rapidly I undress.

- Most guys like naked me.
- I love naked you.

Naked you is awesome to look at.
And touch.

What I mean

is that you could make
the getting naked there part

a little, like...

Whuzzat... boom!

...and then you take
your bra off from the side.

You could even imaginary pole -
just bring it.

- Smack it. Bring it down...
- Oh, God!

Bring it up. Do the little
ass thing with your underwear.

"Hey! I dropped something -
my panties."

You could flick it up,
catch it.

Then I don't care
what you do with it.

Actually, that wasn't...
that wasn't terrible.

You should put on heels
and try it.

Yeah, you're right.
This is weird. Um...

No, no. No.
Man up. Finish.

Just get ready for an onslaught.

That definitely didn't
sound like it was in the vein

of constructive criticism,
but I will continue nonetheless.

Look, all... I'm saying

is that guys like undressing.

And you could make it
more of a... thing.

- OK.
- OK.

Lastly, when I was
inside of you,

you started doing this thing...

You started helping
yourself a little bit

and it kind of made me
feel like I was being benched.

- Second string.
- Noted.

- OK.
- Duly noted.

- Is it my turn?
- Yeah.

- OK. Don't ever do that.
- That's the international thing.

OK, I don't know
who first taught guys

to do that alphabet
with their tongue thing,

but it kind of makes me
feel like I'm Helen Keller

being fucked by her teacher.

And that is not
a fantasy of yours?

There was a moment,
one moment during foreplay

in which I was maybe
close to coming,

and I believe I subtly
pointed this out.

Do you remember
what it was I said?

- "I'm close to coming."
- Yes! Uh-huh.

And then after I said that, you
switched up what you were doing.

Just what was
your thought process there?

Um, I mean, honestly, I thought
I was doing a finishing move.

Kind of like
a 'Mortal Kombat' thing.

Like, "Finish her!"
And, like, really hit it.

I thought I was doing
something like that. It's not?

Next time, just keep on doing

what it is was that
you were doing

because you got her to third
and you can...

- You can get her home.
- OK.

You waited for me
to undress you,

which is unnecessary
and also a little weird

'cause I'm not your mom
tucking you into bed.

You kept trying to give me
hickeys, which nobody likes.

Oh, and you went,
like, way too fast,

like you were drilling me
for oil.

You know, like, my whole body
was, like...

And then, oh,
you did find my G spot,

but kind of like a drive-by,
which was cool,

but then you kept going...
and I so wanted you to stop.

Oh, OK, alright. Um...

When a girl is helping herself,
that's a good fucking thing.

My ex was weird about that too,
and it's...

It's not like we're competing

on some awesome erotic
Japanese game show.

We are having sex.

You know, like,
embrace the team spirit.

Oh, and last night,
when we were done,

you retreated to
the other side of the bed

like you planted
a bomb down there.

So next time, just hold
the girl, count to, like, 10.

It'd go a long way, that one.
You can thank me later.

Other than those things, you
were a perfectly adequate lover.

'Adequate'. Wow. Thank you.

'Adequate's not really...

See, I knew this would happen.
I told you this was a bad idea.

It's a fine idea. I'm good.

I'm like Teflon, baby.
Nothing sticks to me.

We should totally check out the
news, though, for some updates.

AS you can See,
this storm is showing

no signs of slowing down.

I want you to look
at something.

Behind me is
the Empire State Building,

but you can't see it.

All you can see is snow.

I bet you 150 bucks Rick Raines
is fully erect right now.

That was funny.

OK, I'm hearing that
that's actually not

where the Empire State
Building is.

- Is it cool if I take a shower?
- No.

Yes, it's fine.
The towels are... on the floor.

Reporting from the streets of
New York City, I'm Rick Raines.

I just got off the phone
with the governor's office

and they told me this storm
is a real motherfucker.

That was quick.

What if we tried again?

I can't take any more critiques.

No, I mean what
if we tried again?

Tested our theories for science?

For...

...science?

Yeah, I think it'd
be really helpful for me

'cause I'm more
of a hands-on learner.

Yeah, we could...
we could do that.

Good. OK.

And the channel
of communication stays open.

- Mm-hm.
- We say whatever's on our mind.

- That's the deal.
- OK. We should film it.

- Hmph?
- No? Too far?

Sorry.

How should we start?

OK, so normally
on date situations

there would be more
of a build-up here,

but since this is strictly
a hook-up scenario

I think it'd be fine
if you just...

That's not bad.

Whoa.

OK. Hmm.

OK, so the lack of sheets makes
it look a little crack den-y,

which is great for, like,
a role-playing scenario, but...

- Yeah, it was laundry day.
- Mm-hm.

OK, get over here.

They should label it
or something, right?

I think it's inside out,
but it's fine.

- Nice.
- That's good. Yeah.

- Where were we?
- Good. Right here.

- Whoa.
- Oh, a fan of the bed push.

That's a classic.

Oh, no, no, no.
Shoes and socks first.

There's never a good time for it
so just, you know, get them off.

Oh, God.

Good compromise. I like that.

Thank you.
I'm like the UN of doing it.

OK.

Is that sort of
what you had in mind?

Yeah, that's good.
That's pretty good.

You got the hang of that. Mm-hm.

Good.

I have sensitive nipples.

That one's real sensitive.

- Any notes?
- No.

No!

If there is one thing

that you take away from
this whole experience - never.

Sorry. I was trying
to cool you off.

My dad used to give me those

and now I am just
thinking about my dad.

Ew. That's gross. I'm sorry.

That's better.

That is much better.

Japanese alphabet.

Thank you, Rosetta Stone.

- Holy shit!
- That was awesome.

Hey.

Up and at 'em.

Wake up!

- Hey.
- We fell asleep.

Yeah. Is that a problem?

Mm-hm, mm-hm.

I don't see what the educational
purposes of it are.

Plus, I'm hungry.

- Um...
- We're gonna starve.

Not if you like
mustard.

Why don't you have food?

Well, I had food,

then we ate it all
when we were really high.

Oh, yeah.

Three-year-old banana?

Oh, here we go.

This might have to last days.

- We'll ration it.
- OK.

This is good.

Alright, we just
need to get creative.

Give me, like, 10 minutes.
I'll figure something out.

- OK, but don't hog.
- Alright.

You wanna go back to bed?
Let me figure it out.

Special delivery.

- Where did you get these?
- Hmm?

Don't worry about it.

These are your
neighbour's noodles.

- Uh-uh.
- These are contraband noodles!

You threw such a hissy fit about
the window and now look at you.

You are a common thief.

I know.

And, for the record, I actually
thought it was pretty bad-ass

when you broke
that window like that.

Thank you! I did too.

You might not be
the worst person in the world

to be stuck with.

Right back at ya.

So were your parents doctors?

- Uh-uh.
- Oh.

I thought maybe they were

and that's why you rebelled and
didn't want to do it anymore.

So what happened?

It doesn't matter.

Yeah, it does. Come on.
You can tell me.

It wouldn't even
make sense to you.

Everything makes sense to me.

It's the burden of being
a genius. I can't help it.

Pfft!

Well, it's not, um...

...it's not that I stopped
wanting to be a doctor.

So you do want to be a doctor.

Mmm...

No, I mean
I didn't change my mind.

I NEVER wanted to be
a doctor, ever. Eugh!

Then why would you
go into pre-med?

OK, um...

So...

...I was engaged once.

"Once." It sounds like
I'm writing a memoir.

I was engaged recently.

We dated through high school.
I followed him to NYU.

When I had to pick a major,
I, uh...

Well, I never actually
planned on needing it.

I just wanted
to be a wife and a mom.

See,
people always look at you funny

when you say something like that

'cause they feel bad
for you or they...

I'm not... Sorry. I wasn't
trying to look at you funny.

No, no, it's fine.

They think that you're
missing out on something.

But I don't know.

I mean, it worked for my parents

and I always thought
that I would do the same.

And then the universe
called my bluff.

What happened?

- He cheated.
- Ohh.

Yeah, and sadly that
wasn't even the deal breaker.

I wanted to work through it,
but he wanted out.

He said he wanted to find a girl
with more of her own life.

He dropped the word
'ambition' a few times.

Ooh, yep, I've had that word

thrown at me a few times too,
believe it or not.

I believe it.

Ambition is such bullshit.

Seriously,
it's just chasing vapour.

Like, whatever it is
that you think that you need,

that job or that gold star,

a blue ribbon, fancy desk,
nice office, like, it doesn't...

Once you get that,
you're gonna be confused

because you're not
gonna be as happy

as you thought
you were gonna be.

Then you're gonna
be sitting there being, like,

"Why aren't I happy?
I have this. I got the desk."

Because, man,
there's another desk.

There's always
gonna be something more

your ambition
is telling you that you need.

So it's the next thing,
then when you get that,

there's another thing -
it's an endless cycle.

You're forced into retirement,
kicking and screaming.

Next thing you know, you're in
a big house, got 4.5 bathrooms,

you don't even have a
ping-pong table and you're dead.

- Let's fucking go blow shit up!
- Like, you're dead.

I just blacked out
for a second.

Thank you for staying
with me on that.

I didn't know if I was gonna
come out the other side.

Blowing up stuff always helps.

So what happened with that guy?

Nothing.

A semester later,
I graduated with a degree

I have no intention of using...

...and here I am.

So you've really never had
a one-night stand before?

I told you this, like,
a hundred times.

Well, you should know they
usually don't last this long.

Well, that's a bummer.

Wow.

- That guy is so screwed.
- What do you mean?

You said he met you
in high school.

- Right?
- Mm-hm.

So he thinks that you're
a certain type of girl

and he thinks that he will
meet that same type of girl

later in his life
when he's ready,

but when he's ready
that girl's not gonna be there.

He has no idea how rare you are.

- What are those?
- What?

Those. Oh!

You're giving me googly eyes.
You totally are.

You're giving me googly eyes!

I'm just really
thirsty right now

so those are my thirsty eyes.

You look thirsty too.
I'm gonna get us some drinks.

Can I pull a classic girl move

and confiscate your
biggest, comfiest sweatshirt?

And I promise
I will not steal it.

Yeah, one sec.

Please be a cross-dresser.

I found some peach schnapps.

The bottle was a little dusty,

but I think the liquor's
still... good.

So where's Daisy?

San Francisco.

You're with her?

That's a tough question
to answer.

No, it's not.

See, you just did.

Megan, here. Look.
Let's talk about this.

Have the place to yourself and,
boy, do you make the most of it.

When does she get back?

She was supposed
to get back this afternoon,

but her flight got cancelled.

I heard about that.

Apparently there's
this huge fucking blizzard.

Jeez.

You know, I always wondered
what it would be like

to get to be the other girl.

It feels better.

Not great,
but undeniably better.

Hold on.

Thank God it stopped.

Let's take a look
at some of the outside stuff.

We're looking
at the New Jersey Transit,

making local stops
all day long.

- Can I show you something?
- Please just leave me alone.

But I'm not mad. How can I be?
I didn't ask and you didn't lie.

I wanted meaningless sex
and I got it.

Here. Let me show you this.

Please.

So she dumped you,
but you still live with her?

- She didn't give it to me yet.
- I don't understand.

And honestly I don't care.

Three weeks ago she asked me
to look for her wallet

and when I was
looking for her wallet

I accidentally found this.

I didn't know what to do.

So I gave her
her wallet back at lunch

and then the next day
she left for tour.

Tour? What is she, like...

- She's a DJ.
- Huh. Of course.

Of course she's, like,
the coolest girl imaginable.

I made that profile because
I wanted to have something

to throw in her face whenever
she went to pull the trigger

and I know that's very immature.

You could have
broken up with her.

Yeah, yeah,
I thought about that.

People talk about
how great it is to be single

and that's bullshit.

"Join the single party."
It's not a party.

It's a bunch of people sitting
around in the dark texting.

...how slow the ploughing is
going in the outer boroughs

such as Queens and Brooklyn
are not falling on deaf ears.

We're hearing from
the sanitation department

that they're getting
that done right away...

And I did something stupid
and I'm sorry.

...the subways and buses
are starting to run as well.

Excuse me.

Megan, wait. Hey.

Look. Come on. I didn't...
What was I supposed to do?

I didn't even know
that you existed and I don't...

Look, I don't want her.
I want you. I want you.

And what makes you think
that I want you?

You're just some funny guy
who works at a bank.

I think you severely
overestimate

your ability to break hearts.

Come on.

Oh, my God. Megan!

- Hey.
- Hey.

Is that my duvet?

- Hi.
- Oh, God.

You guys are monsters.

God! Oh!

Mmm. How was your date?

You looked so tired,
I wanted to let you sleep.

Hey, what are you doing...

- Daisy, we should talk.
- Yeah, I know.

- I found the note in the trash.
- I have the note right here.

When did you find this?

Um, when I was looking
for your wallet...

...by accident.

I see what's going on here.

You read this and then
you wanted me to come home

and find this slutty
little lipstick haiku

so that you could be the one
that ended us.

It's not a haiku.
There's not enough syllables.

You are a child.

Yeah.

Look, Daisy, we both know that
we weren't right for each other

and I think we both knew that
for a long time, but it's fine.

We were just scared the perfect
person wasn't out there for us.

And what if they're not?

I think they are.

OK, so what now?

I can move my stuff
over to Kevin's place.

He owes me for a plunger.

OK.

Let me know when you're out.

Hey, Daisy.

- Can I ask you something?
- Yeah.

Did you ever... fake it?

Wow - a year together, done,

and that's what you're
thinking about right now?

No, I'm thinking of
all kinds of stuff right now.

I'm thinking of memories
and feelings and...

But I just need to know if...
Did you do that?

Yeah.

I'm sorry. I got lazy. Mm-hm.

But you shouldn't
have faked it, OK,

'cause that's not
helping anybody.

You gotta communicate.

What happened to you?

Tell her. Talk to her.

Megan, Faiza has something
she wants to tell you.

OK.

Listen, normally
I'd wait to bring this up

until after you'd
recovered a bit,

but Cedric and I sort of enjoyed

having the place to ourselves
the past couple of nights.

We did.

And I wasn't sure that we would

'cause I am so used to you
always being here, you know,

like nonstop,
all the time, um, but...

Baby, help me out, please.

Yeah, basically we were just
thinking what if you moved out?

You know, like,
what would that be like?

And you have to understand
you can stay here

as long as you need
till you get on your feet -

a couple of days, three days,
however long you want.

- Four days.
- OK.

No, I think... I think
it's a really good idea.

- You do?
- She said she does.

Look, I only moved
to New York because of Chris

and I thought
that if I went home

it'd just be admitting that.

So I stayed and made sure
that the internet wasn't lonely.

I needed a kick in the ass.

Cool. So do you know
what you're gonna do?

No, no, I have no fucking clue.

No idea. Uh-uh.

Do you know what this means?

That this is our last
New Year's Eve as roommates.

Awesome.

Yeah, hey, so I realise
this is probably word for word

something that
a crazy person would say,

but I met a girl on your website
a few nights ago and...

I think I can save us
both some time here.

No, no, no, I don't need
her address or anything.

I just need
to know her last name.

I'm sure it was magical, but
we can't give our customers'

personal information to anyone
other than the police.

So provided you're not a cop,

is there anything else
I can help you with today?

Nope.

It's not just a show for kids.
Anybody can get into it.

You know, it's for anybody

who cherishes
friendship, adventure...

There's this one character.
Her name is Applejack.

She's my favourite.
She's such a fireplug.

She kind of reminds me
of you, actually.

I think I lost you there.
Excuse me? Hello?

I'm just gonna
put this out here,

but you're kind of a fucking
terrible conversationalist.

I don't know if ever...

I think it's
because you are so...

...captivating.

- Oh, well...
- I am just intimidated as fuck.

Oh, no. There's nothing
to be scared of!

- Excuse me.
- No, no, no. Please, please!

Just... Godammit!

OK, yeah. Alright, great.

Son of a motherfucking bitch.

Motherfucking
son of a fucking bitch. Fuck!

Now it's the moment
you've all been waiting for.

Whoo!

Megan!

Long time no see.

It's, uh, Ben
from bio class.

How are you here?
Do you know Faiza?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm good buddies with Cedric.

We're going to get more booze.
Have fun, you two.

You! You were
the dumb pretty guy. Oh!

Uh, thank you?

Mm-hm. I was
supposed to bang you.

This is the universe
correcting itself.

Oops!

So where'd you decide
on med school?

I was surprised I got
into both my top choices.

Now I'm just trying to decide.

It's a big decision and
obviously my dad has opinions...

Megan? Megan?

- You know, it's just...
- Shh, shh.

Police! Megan? Megan, right?

Any noise complaints
go to Faiza or to Cedric

because this
is their apartment now.

Actually, they're asking
for you specifically.

What the fuck?

What's up, dog?

Megan Pagano? You wanna
step in the hall with us?

Why?

Officers found this
in the Lo Pans' bathroom.

You don't understand.
This guy is a psychopath.

He's setting me up.

He is setting
this whole thing up,

which I realise is exactly
what a crazy person would say,

but that explains my situation.

He is so crazy that he
is forcing me to sound crazy.

Do you see what he's doing?

Ma'am, did you or did you not
break in through the window

of Mr and Mrs Lo Pan's
apartment?

You, um...
you got a little...

Like, some...

OK, got it.

Pretty.

Which one of you
is Megan Pagano?

You made bail.

Wait. That's...
That's impossible.

I haven't even
made a phone call yet.

She can do that?

She can refuse my bail?
Are you serious?

OK, look. I just...
I need to talk to her.

You can only visit
during visiting hours

and if, and only if,
the person wants to see you,

which I'm gonna guess
she doesn't

being that she would rather

remain locked in jail
than see your face.

Wow! Rude.

OK, well, what if I told you

that I helped her
break into that apartment?

Then would you
lock me up with her?

Yeah, that's how
police stations work.

- Are you being sarcastic?
- Are you serious?

- I need to talk to her!
- Oh! OK, then.

Five, four,
three, two, one!

Happy New Year!

How about these two?

Are they special enough
to post your bail?

Oh, my God. What happened?

- Just take me home.
- Here.

Hey.

- Who is that?
- I'm sorry.

I didn't know your last name.
What was I supposed to do?

Literally anything but this.

OK, you're upset,
but, Megan, you felt something

and I felt something...

What I felt was
Stockholm syndrome.

I can't let you walk out another
door without listening to me.

Why are you doing this?
You have a girlfriend.

That's over now. Look, Megan.
Hey, let me explain.

I should've told you about her
and there were times last night

I wanted to tell you
and I should've,

but there were
other times last night

that I forgot other
people even existed

and I know that sounds stupid
'cause your friends

are staring at me like
my fucking dick is hanging out.

I'm sorry. It was funny.

- Sir.
- OK, let's wrap this up.

The cop's not happy.
Let's keep the cop happy.

- Megan?
- You put me in jail!

- I'm sorry.
- For, like, criminals!

He's got about five seconds
before he finds out firsthand.

OK, fine. Fuck! Shit!

Uh, not directed at you
and not directed at you.

Look, I messed up.

I messed up,
but I am really, really sorry.

But you can't stop us before
we even realise what we could be

and we should figure that out.

Maybe... maybe we hang out

and we realise
we don't like each other.

Maybe you're very intimidated
by my dancing

and maybe I find out
you're, like, really racist.

OK, that was a hypothetical.

Look, all I'm saying
is that there's a lot of stuff

that I don't know about you

and there's a lot
that we need to talk about.

I spent two nights with you
and that's not enough time.

Give me more time, please.

It was a little
shaky in the middle.

But he finished strong.
I'm touched.

Megan, what do we think?

I think you put me in jail.

We're still on that?
Look. Hey, hey, come on.

Some day you're gonna
laugh about this.

I promise that you're gonna find
this all very funny some day.

OK, let's make a deal.

You give me your number
and leave

and the minute I laugh about it
I'll let you know.

Stay as long as you want.
That guy was nuts.

- Can I hang out with him?
- Cedric.

I'm just saying. I don't
meet a lot of funny people.

Funny people
don't drive ambulances.

Shit!

- Hello?
- You are kind of an idiot.

Do you realise
that about yourself?

- You good?
- Yeah, I've heard that.

- You know that was all me?
- No, it was not.

What the fuck you
talking about? It was!

Keeping in the spirit
of constructive criticism,

the next time you
wanna win a girl back

after doing something stupid,

practice your speech
or something,

you know, for the next girl

because... because yours
just fucking sucked.

Shit. I was embarrassed
for you...

- Uh-uh!
- Mmm... What? What?

It's WAY too soon.
Way too soon.

That's fair.
That's totally fair.

I'm sorry I put you in jail,
but have you thought about

what that's gonna do
to your street cred?

Of course I have. It was, like,
the first thing I thought of.

I'm gonna get
that shit tattooed.

You don't have to worry about
the Lo Pans pressing charges.

- I took care of 'em.
- Did you murder the Lo Pans?

- Had to be done.
- You did it without me?

- Mm-hm.
- Ohh!

I think I'm ready
for that kiss now.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

You taste like prison.

- Is it really snowing again?
- Oh, yeah.

Look at 'em - a million
tiny, little matchmakers.

Thank you, snowflakes.

So your place or mine?

I don't have a place anymore.

Hmph, me neither.

You are a catch.

So are you.

♪ The piano
makes the sound

♪ You play so quietly

♪ These love notes
Letter bombs

♪ You send them back to me

♪ Doors and windows break

♪ But not this melody

♪ These not-so-subtle signs

♪ This house can't make us stay

♪ Didn't I warn you

♪ Didn't you want to
make me feel this way?

♪ Didn't I warn you?

♪ You know I've loved you
from the start

♪ But this house
can't make you stay

♪ Sometimes these things
just fall apart

♪ We might never be the same

♪ Maybe I can never be
everything you'll ever need

♪ But I can put
my arms around you

♪ If we tear this down

♪ Line up every stone

♪ Will memory disconnect us

♪ From all that came before?

♪ 'Cause sometimes
our own hearts

♪ Rewrite these histories

♪ To keep themselves
from breaking

♪ Is that all we need?

♪ Didn't you warn me?

♪ Didn't I want to
make you feel the same?

♪ Didn't you want me?

♪ You know I've loved you
from the start

♪ But this house
can't make you stay

♪ Sometimes these things
just fall apart

♪ Could we ever be the same?

♪ Maybe I can never be
everything you'll ever need

♪ But I could put
my arms around you

♪ Something here
is still beautiful

♪ Something only we know

♪ Nothing's lost

♪ If we can find it

♪ In time

♪ Find it in time

♪ Call up the general
Call in the major

♪ We need you now

♪ Weren't there warnings
from headquarters?

♪ Oh, no

♪ Call up your mother
Call in the tigers

♪ You know I've loved
you from the start

♪ No, this house
can't make us stay

♪ But sometimes
these things just fall apart

♪ This will never be the same

♪ Maybe you can never be
everything I'll ever need

♪ But could you put
your arms around me?

♪ You know I've loved you
from the start

♪ But sometimes
these things just fall apart. ♪