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1
00:00:00,567 --> 00:00:02,101
- good morning,
greendale community college.
2
00:00:02,168 --> 00:00:04,034
This is your dean
reminding you
3
00:00:04,101 --> 00:00:06,434
That among your school's
prestigious alumni
4
00:00:06,500 --> 00:00:09,001
Is mr. luis guzman,
celebrated actor
5
00:00:09,068 --> 00:00:11,267
And model
puerto-rican american.
6
00:00:11,333 --> 00:00:15,233
This friday, we will be
dedicating a statue of guzman
7
00:00:15,300 --> 00:00:17,300
And unveiling
our brand-new school song.
8
00:00:17,367 --> 00:00:19,934
So boy,
i don't know about you,
9
00:00:20,001 --> 00:00:22,867
But this sure feels like
a real college to me.
10
00:00:22,934 --> 00:00:24,834
- greendale, greendale,
11
00:00:24,901 --> 00:00:26,267
Greendale!
12
00:00:26,333 --> 00:00:29,267
Sync by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
13
00:00:29,333 --> 00:00:30,667
- ah! jeff, jeff.
14
00:00:30,734 --> 00:00:32,101
Good morning!
15
00:00:32,168 --> 00:00:35,134
How is student life,
my dry-witted friend?
16
00:00:35,200 --> 00:00:36,567
- probably the same
as teacher life,
17
00:00:36,634 --> 00:00:38,367
But less tragic,
because i get to leave.
18
00:00:38,434 --> 00:00:40,001
- very dry.
very witty.
19
00:00:40,068 --> 00:00:41,467
Not a great friend.
20
00:00:41,534 --> 00:00:43,767
Listen, i wanted to ask you
about that young lady
21
00:00:43,834 --> 00:00:45,168
In your spanish class.
22
00:00:45,233 --> 00:00:47,400
You know, the blonde
with the pouty, strident
23
00:00:47,467 --> 00:00:50,200
Cate blanchett sexuality
and the ridiculous name?
24
00:00:50,267 --> 00:00:52,400
- britta?
- that's it, that's it.
25
00:00:52,467 --> 00:00:55,233
Imagine living with that.
can you imagine?
26
00:00:55,300 --> 00:00:56,767
Unbelievable.
27
00:00:56,834 --> 00:00:59,367
Anyway, are you two an item,
and if so,
28
00:00:59,434 --> 00:01:01,867
Would that item be
impervious to sabotage?
29
00:01:01,934 --> 00:01:04,801
- you know, you have
the savoir faire of a hyena.
30
00:01:04,867 --> 00:01:06,233
How is it that you
and james bond
31
00:01:06,300 --> 00:01:07,567
Come from the same island?
32
00:01:07,634 --> 00:01:09,034
- message received.
33
00:01:09,101 --> 00:01:11,134
I'll just wait for you
to finish striking out first.
34
00:01:11,200 --> 00:01:12,367
- cheers.
- m.a.s.h.
35
00:01:12,434 --> 00:01:13,300
- fawlty towers.
game over.
36
00:01:13,367 --> 00:01:16,168
Have a nice day.
37
00:01:17,233 --> 00:01:18,333
- do you think luis guzman
38
00:01:18,400 --> 00:01:20,168
Will ever come
to visit his statue?
39
00:01:20,233 --> 00:01:21,834
If so, i'd like to ask him
about his movie choices,
40
00:01:21,901 --> 00:01:24,634
particularly carlito's way,
the cowboy way, the hard way,
41
00:01:24,701 --> 00:01:26,134
and q&a.
42
00:01:26,200 --> 00:01:28,434
- yeah, luis guzman is
on a private jet from hollywood,
43
00:01:28,500 --> 00:01:31,168
Because he can't wait to have
that conversation with you.
44
00:01:31,233 --> 00:01:32,667
- really?
how does he know about me?
45
00:01:32,734 --> 00:01:34,801
- because he called me
on my cell phone.
46
00:01:34,867 --> 00:01:38,934
- why would a movie actor
call you?
47
00:01:39,001 --> 00:01:41,567
- you don't know?
- no.
48
00:01:41,634 --> 00:01:43,667
- [quietly] i'm president
obama's nephew.
49
00:01:43,734 --> 00:01:45,001
- you never mentioned that.
50
00:01:45,068 --> 00:01:46,534
- i didn't know
if i could trust you.
51
00:01:46,600 --> 00:01:48,434
But now it's time
to tell you everything--
52
00:01:48,500 --> 00:01:50,101
Starting with me
inventing the ferrari.
53
00:01:50,168 --> 00:01:53,101
- so...i guess
the cell phone number
54
00:01:53,168 --> 00:01:55,467
You put on the study group's
contact sheet was fake,
55
00:01:55,534 --> 00:01:57,434
Which i just learned
in the awkward conclusion
56
00:01:57,500 --> 00:02:00,434
Of a month-long text message
affair with a dude from boulder.
57
00:02:00,500 --> 00:02:02,068
- sorry.
- that's okay.
58
00:02:02,134 --> 00:02:03,600
Just give me
your real number.
59
00:02:03,667 --> 00:02:05,734
I'll cleanse my palate while
kevin rethinks his marriage.
60
00:02:05,801 --> 00:02:07,734
I'll give you my number
if you promise not to use it
61
00:02:07,801 --> 00:02:09,567
In any other context
than friendship.
62
00:02:09,634 --> 00:02:10,934
- uh...pass.
63
00:02:11,001 --> 00:02:13,767
- [bang]
silencio, por favor.
64
00:02:13,834 --> 00:02:16,168
Star burns--
that means you.
65
00:02:16,233 --> 00:02:18,134
- my name's alex, dude.
66
00:02:18,200 --> 00:02:19,267
- well, maybe you should
spend five hours
67
00:02:19,333 --> 00:02:21,667
Sculpting that
in your face.
68
00:02:21,734 --> 00:02:23,567
All right, last night
i graded your tests.
69
00:02:23,634 --> 00:02:24,967
I'm sure you wanna know
how you did, right?
70
00:02:25,034 --> 00:02:27,168
- yes, i would.
- well, i'm not gonna tell you.
71
00:02:27,233 --> 00:02:31,701
Until i find out
who did...this!
72
00:02:31,767 --> 00:02:34,500
- what is that?
73
00:02:34,567 --> 00:02:36,701
- it's a tiny piece of paper,
okay?
74
00:02:36,767 --> 00:02:38,901
That's all it is.
tiny piece of paper.
75
00:02:38,967 --> 00:02:42,467
Containing all the information
covered on the test.
76
00:02:42,534 --> 00:02:45,400
Otherwise known
as a crib sheet.
77
00:02:45,467 --> 00:02:47,267
Who did it, huh?
78
00:02:47,333 --> 00:02:50,068
Marianne?
79
00:02:50,134 --> 00:02:52,034
[comical voice]
grandpa?
80
00:02:52,101 --> 00:02:53,634
Jackee?
81
00:02:53,701 --> 00:02:55,134
Kumar?
82
00:02:55,233 --> 00:02:57,300
There's one asian stereotype
that does apply to me.
83
00:02:57,367 --> 00:02:59,801
Whoever did this
insulted my honor.
84
00:02:59,867 --> 00:03:02,934
And they've got 24 hours
to come forward,
85
00:03:03,001 --> 00:03:06,333
Or mr. miyagi here
will wax off everyone's score
86
00:03:06,400 --> 00:03:11,367
and the whole class
gets a cero!
87
00:03:11,434 --> 00:03:14,834
'cept you, toby.
88
00:03:14,901 --> 00:03:17,934
[upbeat music]
89
00:03:21,001 --> 00:03:23,534
- the only difference between
señor chang and stalin
90
00:03:23,600 --> 00:03:25,767
Is that i know
who señor chang is.
91
00:03:25,834 --> 00:03:27,200
- did you hear him call me
jackee
92
00:03:27,267 --> 00:03:28,500
Like i'm some black
female caricature?
93
00:03:28,567 --> 00:03:30,168
If the good lord
hadn't been watching,
94
00:03:30,233 --> 00:03:32,267
I'd have slapped him
upside the head.
95
00:03:32,333 --> 00:03:34,667
- who do you guys think
cheated?
96
00:03:34,734 --> 00:03:35,634
- flattering.
97
00:03:35,701 --> 00:03:37,233
But if i'm gonna cheat,
98
00:03:37,300 --> 00:03:38,834
I'm not gonna write
information from a book
99
00:03:38,901 --> 00:03:40,267
Onto a piece of paper.
100
00:03:40,333 --> 00:03:41,634
That's practically learning,
for god's sakes.
101
00:03:41,701 --> 00:03:43,567
Whoever made that crib sheet
wasn't a real cheater.
102
00:03:43,634 --> 00:03:47,233
Just...insecure and naive.
103
00:03:47,300 --> 00:03:50,200
- i may be naive,
but i'm not stupid.
104
00:03:50,267 --> 00:03:51,867
- well, i may be stupid,
105
00:03:51,934 --> 00:03:54,367
But i'm not trying
to look like i'm not.
106
00:03:54,434 --> 00:03:57,200
- well, i may be a genius,
but i'm not a lesbian.
107
00:03:57,267 --> 00:03:58,534
- [scoffs]
108
00:03:58,600 --> 00:03:59,734
Who cares who made
the crib sheet?
109
00:03:59,801 --> 00:04:01,233
The only real cheater
110
00:04:01,300 --> 00:04:03,233
Is the guy who's threatening
everyone with a zero.
111
00:04:03,300 --> 00:04:05,101
- you're right!
it's so unfair.
112
00:04:05,168 --> 00:04:07,434
And i can't handle
this kind of stress right now.
113
00:04:07,500 --> 00:04:09,168
I'm already overwhelmed
by my duties
114
00:04:09,233 --> 00:04:10,701
On the school song committee.
- are you a musician?
115
00:04:10,767 --> 00:04:13,068
- eew. no.
i hired a local composer.
116
00:04:13,134 --> 00:04:14,834
But he's quite a handful.
117
00:04:14,901 --> 00:04:16,500
- well, i guess that's
your fault, isn't it?
118
00:04:16,567 --> 00:04:18,667
- it is?
- you've got an accomplished
119
00:04:18,734 --> 00:04:20,834
Pianist and songwriter
sitting 3 feet away from you.
120
00:04:20,901 --> 00:04:22,134
I wrote the jingle
121
00:04:22,200 --> 00:04:24,168
For hawthorne wipe's
moist towelettes.
122
00:04:24,233 --> 00:04:25,600
I would have done
your song for free.
123
00:04:25,667 --> 00:04:28,300
Smooth move, metamucil.
- troy could do the school song.
124
00:04:28,367 --> 00:04:29,901
Troy invited rap music,
125
00:04:29,967 --> 00:04:31,734
And he's related to danny glover
and president obama.
126
00:04:31,801 --> 00:04:33,767
- abed, have you been
racist this whole time
127
00:04:33,834 --> 00:04:35,233
While i'm telling
everybody at church
128
00:04:35,300 --> 00:04:37,168
What a sweet little
caramel angel you are?
129
00:04:37,233 --> 00:04:39,500
- hey, man, that stuff
i said this morning wasn't true.
130
00:04:39,567 --> 00:04:41,567
I was just messin' with you.
- you were lying?
131
00:04:41,634 --> 00:04:42,934
- yeah, as a joke.
132
00:04:43,001 --> 00:04:44,434
You've never had anybody
mess with you before?
133
00:04:44,500 --> 00:04:47,867
- yes. just kidding.
no. like that?
134
00:04:49,367 --> 00:04:51,001
This isn't a table.
135
00:04:51,068 --> 00:04:53,101
Ha ha!
that's funny.
136
00:04:53,168 --> 00:04:55,634
- remember when we used to
study spanish?
137
00:04:59,367 --> 00:05:00,500
- pierce!
- yo.
138
00:05:00,567 --> 00:05:01,934
- i talked to the dean,
139
00:05:02,001 --> 00:05:03,934
And he said you can write
greendale's school song.
140
00:05:04,001 --> 00:05:05,333
- well, that's more like it.
141
00:05:05,400 --> 00:05:07,134
- you know the statue
dedication is this friday.
142
00:05:07,200 --> 00:05:08,667
So you have to have it done
by then.
143
00:05:08,734 --> 00:05:10,434
- this friday?
this friday?
144
00:05:10,500 --> 00:05:11,834
- if that's not enough time--
- no, no, no!
145
00:05:11,901 --> 00:05:13,901
You really don't know much
about genius, do you?
146
00:05:13,967 --> 00:05:15,767
Yes, i can do it by friday.
- great!
147
00:05:15,834 --> 00:05:17,467
There's a piano
in the rehearsal space,
148
00:05:17,534 --> 00:05:19,434
And i'll help you out
however i can.
149
00:05:19,500 --> 00:05:21,333
You're gonna do
an awesome job!
150
00:05:21,400 --> 00:05:22,467
- i know!
151
00:05:22,534 --> 00:05:26,001
- so...this is the last chance
152
00:05:26,068 --> 00:05:28,434
For the cheater
to be an adult
153
00:05:28,500 --> 00:05:31,300
and face la musica...
154
00:05:31,367 --> 00:05:33,801
Or everyone fails.
- no!
155
00:05:33,867 --> 00:05:36,034
- you got ten seconds...
156
00:05:36,101 --> 00:05:37,333
Starting now.
157
00:05:37,400 --> 00:05:40,400
[dramatic music]
158
00:05:45,267 --> 00:05:48,300
- [screaming]
no!
159
00:05:48,367 --> 00:05:51,300
I've never...
gotten a zero before.
160
00:05:51,367 --> 00:05:53,001
- i did it.
- britta!
161
00:05:53,068 --> 00:05:56,734
- well, you really took your
sweet time with that one, baby.
162
00:05:56,801 --> 00:05:59,300
- how dare you terrorize a class
by threatening their grades.
163
00:05:59,367 --> 00:06:02,001
It's not that easy to get human
beings to turn on each other.
164
00:06:02,068 --> 00:06:05,200
- turn on her!
165
00:06:05,267 --> 00:06:06,567
- ow!
- [booing]
166
00:06:06,634 --> 00:06:08,867
[overlapping comments]
real mature!
167
00:06:08,934 --> 00:06:11,901
- that's right.
we are mature!
168
00:06:11,967 --> 00:06:14,767
Too mature
to sit in a class
169
00:06:14,834 --> 00:06:18,701
With a cheating,
lying poop-face!
170
00:06:18,767 --> 00:06:21,967
Okay. time to learn
some formal greetings.
171
00:06:29,200 --> 00:06:31,168
- so...
172
00:06:31,233 --> 00:06:32,434
Wow.
173
00:06:32,500 --> 00:06:34,101
- yeah, i bet
you're enjoying this.
174
00:06:34,168 --> 00:06:35,701
- yeah, well,
when we first met,
175
00:06:35,767 --> 00:06:38,467
Like you were up here
and i was here, and now...
176
00:06:38,534 --> 00:06:40,567
Oh, wait, i gave a quarter
to a dirty bum today.
177
00:06:40,634 --> 00:06:42,400
- what do you think
they're gonna do to me?
178
00:06:42,467 --> 00:06:44,267
- well, we're not gonna
buy you an ice cream.
179
00:06:44,333 --> 00:06:45,734
Hi. dean pelton.
[chuckles]
180
00:06:45,801 --> 00:06:47,233
What an entrance
i got to make there.
181
00:06:47,300 --> 00:06:48,600
You would be britta perry.
182
00:06:48,667 --> 00:06:51,333
I just spoke with señor chang,
183
00:06:51,400 --> 00:06:53,434
And i'm afraid greendale
takes this kinda thing
184
00:06:53,500 --> 00:06:54,701
Very seriously.
185
00:06:54,767 --> 00:06:55,934
[loudly]
much like a university would!
186
00:06:58,734 --> 00:07:01,200
Your case will be reviewed
187
00:07:01,267 --> 00:07:02,801
By a disciplinary tribunal
tomorrow
188
00:07:02,867 --> 00:07:04,034
In borchart hall.
189
00:07:04,101 --> 00:07:06,101
You could be facing
expulsion.
190
00:07:06,168 --> 00:07:07,600
- isn't borchart hall
the pool?
191
00:07:07,667 --> 00:07:09,934
- there is an olympic-sized
pool there, yes,
192
00:07:10,001 --> 00:07:11,233
But we will be next to it,
193
00:07:11,300 --> 00:07:14,233
[loudly] using
its $6,000 judge's table!
194
00:07:14,300 --> 00:07:15,967
- uh, is she allowed
to have counsel?
195
00:07:16,034 --> 00:07:18,300
I mean, i may not be
a practicing lawyer anymore,
196
00:07:18,367 --> 00:07:20,667
But relative to this place,
i'm alan dershowitz.
197
00:07:20,734 --> 00:07:22,801
- oh, okay, ouch,
and yes.
198
00:07:22,867 --> 00:07:24,534
If you'd like,
you may represent her.
199
00:07:24,600 --> 00:07:25,967
Dean you later.
200
00:07:26,034 --> 00:07:28,233
- i'm not gonna sit
while some hokey tribunal
201
00:07:28,300 --> 00:07:30,434
Gets its jollies judging me.
202
00:07:30,500 --> 00:07:32,233
- hey, if you show up with me,
follow my lead,
203
00:07:32,300 --> 00:07:34,367
And deny everything,
you'll walk.
204
00:07:34,434 --> 00:07:35,600
That's the winger guarantee.
205
00:07:35,667 --> 00:07:36,834
- i get it.
206
00:07:36,901 --> 00:07:38,233
You think
you're gonna save my bacon
207
00:07:38,300 --> 00:07:39,534
Using your lawyer powers
208
00:07:39,600 --> 00:07:41,734
And send me into fits
of grateful arousal.
209
00:07:41,801 --> 00:07:44,068
- i can neither confirm
nor deny that.
210
00:07:44,134 --> 00:07:46,200
See how good i am?
211
00:07:48,300 --> 00:07:49,834
- hey, troy.
did you hear?
212
00:07:49,901 --> 00:07:52,701
All dogs are blue now.
213
00:07:52,767 --> 00:07:54,867
Every single dog
in the world is blue.
214
00:07:56,534 --> 00:07:58,134
[laughs]
215
00:07:58,200 --> 00:07:59,367
I'm just messing with you.
216
00:07:59,434 --> 00:08:01,034
- yeah, i know,
but let me explain to you
217
00:08:01,101 --> 00:08:03,068
A few things
about how this works.
218
00:08:03,134 --> 00:08:05,400
Uh, first of all,
i cannot be got,
219
00:08:05,467 --> 00:08:07,434
Because i am not gullible
like you.
220
00:08:07,500 --> 00:08:09,867
Secondly,
you are not good at this,
221
00:08:09,934 --> 00:08:12,934
Because you are not believable
in your face, okay?
222
00:08:13,001 --> 00:08:15,400
Your face? it's bad.
- okay.
223
00:08:15,467 --> 00:08:16,967
- um, also...
- [high-pitched warble]
224
00:08:17,034 --> 00:08:18,867
You gotta ride the line
between believable and--
225
00:08:18,934 --> 00:08:20,634
- [high-pitched warble,
humming]
226
00:08:20,701 --> 00:08:22,300
- what are you writing in?
227
00:08:22,367 --> 00:08:23,534
- it's a notepad.
228
00:08:23,600 --> 00:08:24,967
- yeah, but what are--
what language?
229
00:08:25,034 --> 00:08:26,567
- it's probably arabic.
230
00:08:26,634 --> 00:08:29,168
[humming a tune]
231
00:08:29,267 --> 00:08:32,001
[warbling]
232
00:08:35,801 --> 00:08:38,834
- all right, i am convening
this disciplinary tribunal
233
00:08:38,901 --> 00:08:41,400
At our state-of-the-art
judge's table,
234
00:08:41,467 --> 00:08:43,934
Which has
its own built-in sound system,
235
00:08:44,001 --> 00:08:45,500
So take that yale.
[chuckles]
236
00:08:45,567 --> 00:08:48,767
Our judges include myself,
uh, dean craig pelton.
237
00:08:48,834 --> 00:08:50,467
- professor ian duncan.
238
00:08:50,534 --> 00:08:52,600
- professor ben chang.
239
00:08:52,667 --> 00:08:54,834
- uh, no, you're a teacher.
you're not a professor.
240
00:08:54,901 --> 00:08:57,200
- maybe because
i don't look like ron weasley.
241
00:08:57,267 --> 00:08:58,200
- that's the difference.
242
00:08:58,267 --> 00:08:59,834
That's the qualifying factor.
243
00:08:59,901 --> 00:09:01,134
- gentlemen, point of order.
244
00:09:01,200 --> 00:09:03,367
How can señor chang
be one of the judges?
245
00:09:03,434 --> 00:09:04,901
He's the one
accusing my client.
246
00:09:04,967 --> 00:09:06,767
- yeah, well, you got
prince charles over here,
247
00:09:06,834 --> 00:09:08,101
Who's your drinking buddy.
248
00:09:08,168 --> 00:09:09,801
- oh, got me.
249
00:09:09,867 --> 00:09:11,634
- well, it sounds
like there are two biases,
250
00:09:11,701 --> 00:09:13,400
One on each side,
and i go both ways.
251
00:09:13,467 --> 00:09:14,801
Oh, let's strike that.
252
00:09:14,867 --> 00:09:17,300
Lashonda, can we please
strike that?
253
00:09:17,367 --> 00:09:20,667
I am impartial,
so it should all work out.
254
00:09:20,734 --> 00:09:22,367
Okay. let's begin.
255
00:09:22,434 --> 00:09:26,233
- fine. the tribunal calls
teacher chang.
256
00:09:26,300 --> 00:09:27,934
- okay, just keep it up
frost/nixon.
257
00:09:28,001 --> 00:09:29,367
- i was planning
on doing that.
258
00:09:29,434 --> 00:09:30,801
Cleared my whole day.
259
00:09:30,867 --> 00:09:34,001
Uh, mr. chang,
could you remind us
260
00:09:34,068 --> 00:09:35,567
Of the events
of yesterday?
261
00:09:35,634 --> 00:09:37,834
- with great pleasure.
it was a tuesday,
262
00:09:37,901 --> 00:09:40,434
Uh, crack of dawn,
5:58 a.m.
263
00:09:40,500 --> 00:09:42,867
I got up,
i took my morning deuce,
264
00:09:42,934 --> 00:09:44,267
I made a breakfast
consisting of..
265
00:09:47,101 --> 00:09:48,001
- * green-dale *
266
00:09:48,068 --> 00:09:49,068
* green-dale *
267
00:09:49,134 --> 00:09:50,567
* slop * *
268
00:09:50,634 --> 00:09:51,867
Mm, nah.
269
00:09:51,934 --> 00:09:52,967
* green *
270
00:09:53,034 --> 00:09:54,367
[varying pitch]
* gree--green *
271
00:09:54,434 --> 00:09:57,934
* greendale
isn't a slop pail * *
272
00:10:01,001 --> 00:10:02,734
[sighs]
hi, almost done.
273
00:10:02,801 --> 00:10:04,400
- oh, good.
274
00:10:04,467 --> 00:10:05,767
- you can tell the dean
i'll have a song
275
00:10:05,834 --> 00:10:07,534
That'll make the devil
poop god's pants.
276
00:10:07,600 --> 00:10:10,233
- that's exciting.
277
00:10:10,300 --> 00:10:11,801
Mind if i hear
what you got so far?
278
00:10:11,867 --> 00:10:13,734
- well, uh, yeah, sure.
279
00:10:13,801 --> 00:10:17,367
I, uh--i'll probably open
with something like this. uh...
280
00:10:17,434 --> 00:10:18,467
[plays note]
281
00:10:18,534 --> 00:10:20,001
You know, a note like that.
282
00:10:20,068 --> 00:10:23,434
And end
with a note like that.
283
00:10:23,500 --> 00:10:25,068
Uh, the words,
i can't tell you.
284
00:10:25,134 --> 00:10:28,168
You know, the rest
is really a surprise.
285
00:10:28,233 --> 00:10:29,934
- i'm just a little worried.
286
00:10:30,001 --> 00:10:31,333
I keep hearing
the same two notes,
287
00:10:31,400 --> 00:10:33,600
And your sheet music
288
00:10:33,667 --> 00:10:35,068
Looks like
a chinese takeout menu.
289
00:10:35,134 --> 00:10:38,134
- a musician sees music
in everything, annie.
290
00:10:38,200 --> 00:10:40,534
I mean, it could be...
291
00:10:40,600 --> 00:10:43,233
* moo shoo pork *
292
00:10:43,300 --> 00:10:45,534
* squab with lettuce * *
293
00:10:45,600 --> 00:10:47,567
You see?
i mean, it just comes out.
294
00:10:47,634 --> 00:10:49,001
You know what? you really
shouldn't be here right now.
295
00:10:49,068 --> 00:10:50,267
- what?
296
00:10:50,333 --> 00:10:53,034
- you are inside
a throbbing, cosmic womb
297
00:10:53,101 --> 00:10:54,600
Of creativity,
298
00:10:54,667 --> 00:10:56,767
And when this baby
starts kicking,
299
00:10:56,834 --> 00:10:59,168
I cannot be responsible
for your sanity.
300
00:10:59,233 --> 00:11:01,200
[laughs]
i know it sounds funny,
301
00:11:01,267 --> 00:11:02,767
But let me
play you out, okay?
302
00:11:02,834 --> 00:11:06,001
[cheery music]
303
00:11:06,068 --> 00:11:07,367
Playing you out now,
this song.
304
00:11:07,434 --> 00:11:09,600
You know, like on stage?
playing you out, okay?
305
00:11:09,667 --> 00:11:11,434
Thanks for coming.
bye-bye.
306
00:11:11,500 --> 00:11:13,434
[cheery music]
307
00:11:16,734 --> 00:11:18,934
[playing faster]
308
00:11:22,267 --> 00:11:23,467
[sighs]
309
00:11:22,534 --> 00:11:24,300
- and then she yelled,
"screw you,"
310
00:11:24,367 --> 00:11:26,367
Or, "screw education,"
or something like that,
311
00:11:26,434 --> 00:11:27,801
And then she stormed
out of the room
312
00:11:27,867 --> 00:11:29,934
In her high-heel boots
like it was tampon time...
313
00:11:30,001 --> 00:11:31,534
If you know what i mean.
314
00:11:31,600 --> 00:11:33,267
- objection.
i don't know what he means.
315
00:11:33,333 --> 00:11:35,001
- please don't
encourage him, winger.
316
00:11:35,068 --> 00:11:36,867
Do you have
any more questions?
317
00:11:36,934 --> 00:11:38,400
- the defense calls
britta perry.
318
00:11:38,467 --> 00:11:40,934
- now, are those
the high-heel boots
319
00:11:41,001 --> 00:11:42,400
He was talking about?
- yes.
320
00:11:42,467 --> 00:11:43,634
- are they comfortable?
- yeah.
321
00:11:43,701 --> 00:11:44,967
- i'm just curious.
they're cute.
322
00:11:45,034 --> 00:11:46,434
- thank you.
- miss perry...
323
00:11:46,500 --> 00:11:48,134
Did you make
that crib sheet?
324
00:11:48,200 --> 00:11:49,801
- no.
325
00:11:49,867 --> 00:11:51,333
- she confessed!
326
00:11:51,400 --> 00:11:53,300
- she confessed to protect
her classmates,
327
00:11:53,367 --> 00:11:56,734
Because you were threatening
to flunk everyone!
328
00:11:56,801 --> 00:11:58,168
- you did what?
329
00:11:58,233 --> 00:12:01,367
- oh, shut your pompous vortex
of overlapping fangs!
330
00:12:01,434 --> 00:12:03,333
- hey, british dentistry
is not on trial.
331
00:12:03,400 --> 00:12:05,001
- dean pelton,
i move this case
332
00:12:05,068 --> 00:12:06,500
Be thrown out of...
333
00:12:06,567 --> 00:12:07,600
The pool area!
334
00:12:07,667 --> 00:12:08,634
- well, it certainly--
335
00:12:08,701 --> 00:12:09,967
[sloshing]
336
00:12:13,300 --> 00:12:14,767
Well, it certainly sounds
to me
337
00:12:14,834 --> 00:12:16,801
That this young lady's
only crime
338
00:12:16,867 --> 00:12:19,134
Is being a hero
and wanting to be taller.
339
00:12:19,200 --> 00:12:20,367
This tribunal is adjourned.
340
00:12:20,434 --> 00:12:21,901
- wait! i cheated!
- and we're back.
341
00:12:21,967 --> 00:12:24,500
- objection. my client
did not cheat.
342
00:12:24,567 --> 00:12:25,667
- yes, i did.
343
00:12:25,734 --> 00:12:28,500
- yes, she did...
344
00:12:28,567 --> 00:12:30,267
But why?
345
00:12:30,333 --> 00:12:32,701
That's the real question,
isn't it?
346
00:12:37,101 --> 00:12:39,001
The world wasn't
the only thing that changed
347
00:12:39,068 --> 00:12:40,068
On september 11th.
348
00:12:40,134 --> 00:12:41,267
- oh, come on.
349
00:12:41,333 --> 00:12:42,367
- five-minute recess?
350
00:12:42,434 --> 00:12:43,967
- no, no. there's nothing
351
00:12:44,034 --> 00:12:45,634
In the bylaws about recesses,
all right?
352
00:12:45,701 --> 00:12:47,634
The wheels of justice here
don't stop
353
00:12:47,701 --> 00:12:49,267
Just because you--aah!
354
00:12:49,333 --> 00:12:50,834
Time out! time out!
355
00:12:50,901 --> 00:12:52,634
Save the table!
save the table!
356
00:12:52,701 --> 00:12:55,434
- [high-pitched warble]
357
00:12:55,500 --> 00:12:56,801
Beginning transmission.
358
00:12:56,867 --> 00:12:58,634
The primary purpose seems
to be male bonding,
359
00:12:58,701 --> 00:13:00,101
And the attitude
during conveyance
360
00:13:00,168 --> 00:13:02,534
Of the random deceit is
apparently of great importance.
361
00:13:02,600 --> 00:13:05,001
The humanoid is approximately
5'10" in height.
362
00:13:05,068 --> 00:13:06,467
- what are you doing?
363
00:13:06,534 --> 00:13:08,300
- oh, hey. troy.
364
00:13:08,367 --> 00:13:09,634
I didn't see you.
365
00:13:09,701 --> 00:13:11,434
Um, how long
were you standing there?
366
00:13:11,500 --> 00:13:14,034
- you trying to mess
with me?
367
00:13:14,101 --> 00:13:15,001
- yes,
that's what i was doing.
368
00:13:15,068 --> 00:13:16,534
You got me.
369
00:13:16,600 --> 00:13:18,934
I was just messing with you,
but i guess i blew it again.
370
00:13:19,001 --> 00:13:20,801
- yeah.
371
00:13:20,867 --> 00:13:22,367
You did.
372
00:13:26,101 --> 00:13:27,901
- [warbling]
373
00:13:31,534 --> 00:13:33,367
- man, don't turn your back
on me.
374
00:13:33,434 --> 00:13:34,701
- it is on
like donkey kong!
375
00:13:34,767 --> 00:13:37,101
Have you got
a problem with me?
376
00:13:37,168 --> 00:13:38,867
- i don't like the fact
that you're walking around here
377
00:13:38,934 --> 00:13:41,233
Like you're better than me
in front of my students.
378
00:13:41,300 --> 00:13:42,901
- i'm sorry. do you mind if we
have this conversation
379
00:13:42,967 --> 00:13:44,834
In a room with less balls?
380
00:13:47,934 --> 00:13:51,500
You're very confident,
i'll say that.
381
00:13:51,567 --> 00:13:53,367
- but you shouldn't be.
382
00:13:53,434 --> 00:13:54,767
- what are you doing
out there?
383
00:13:54,834 --> 00:13:56,867
- you know i have a problem
with dishonesty.
384
00:13:56,934 --> 00:13:59,400
- you're on trial
for cheating!
385
00:13:59,467 --> 00:14:01,434
Fa--look, we'll be fine.
386
00:14:01,500 --> 00:14:03,134
I just have to
go back out there
387
00:14:03,200 --> 00:14:05,034
And make the case
that you're a good person--
388
00:14:05,101 --> 00:14:06,467
- you don't know that.
389
00:14:06,534 --> 00:14:07,701
You're just doing all of this
390
00:14:07,767 --> 00:14:08,734
'cause you want to
sleep with me
391
00:14:08,801 --> 00:14:09,901
I mean,
you said it yourself.
392
00:14:09,967 --> 00:14:11,400
You don't even want to
be my friend.
393
00:14:11,467 --> 00:14:12,834
- wait a minute.
394
00:14:12,901 --> 00:14:14,901
Wait, is that
what you thought i meant?
395
00:14:14,967 --> 00:14:16,467
Britta, look at me.
396
00:14:16,534 --> 00:14:17,600
Look at me!
- i am.
397
00:14:17,667 --> 00:14:19,701
- no, look how handsome
my face is.
398
00:14:19,767 --> 00:14:21,600
If all i wanted was sex,
399
00:14:21,667 --> 00:14:22,901
I could get it
from plenty of women
400
00:14:22,967 --> 00:14:24,867
Without having to go through
all this crap.
401
00:14:24,934 --> 00:14:26,734
I'm here because i like you,
402
00:14:26,801 --> 00:14:29,801
And i--i'd be psyched
to be your friend.
403
00:14:29,867 --> 00:14:31,434
I just didn't want to take
sex off the table
404
00:14:31,500 --> 00:14:33,567
Without doing
my due diligence.
405
00:14:33,634 --> 00:14:35,034
- i actually believe you.
406
00:14:35,101 --> 00:14:37,034
- well, why wouldn't you?
- i don't know.
407
00:14:37,101 --> 00:14:39,400
I guess...same reason
that i cheated.
408
00:14:39,467 --> 00:14:43,200
I...just have more experience
being worthless.
409
00:14:43,267 --> 00:14:45,101
I think i left that
crib sheet on the floor
410
00:14:45,168 --> 00:14:46,534
Because i wanted
to get caught.
411
00:14:46,600 --> 00:14:48,200
I'm so used to
screwing everything up
412
00:14:48,267 --> 00:14:49,967
I just wanted
to get it over with.
413
00:14:50,034 --> 00:14:53,634
- wait.
i think we have our defense.
414
00:14:53,701 --> 00:14:55,467
Gentlemen...
415
00:14:55,534 --> 00:14:56,901
My client is insane.
416
00:14:56,967 --> 00:14:58,867
- what?
[judges muttering]
417
00:15:03,184 --> 00:15:04,517
- gentlemen, i'm sure
you suspected...
418
00:15:04,583 --> 00:15:07,318
That ms. perry was pretty odd
before the recess.
419
00:15:07,384 --> 00:15:09,550
But if you could've heard
all the stuff
420
00:15:09,617 --> 00:15:11,084
She just told me
in the shower,
421
00:15:11,151 --> 00:15:13,583
You would realize
she is all the way out
422
00:15:13,650 --> 00:15:15,717
Of her entire damn mind.
423
00:15:15,784 --> 00:15:17,583
She doesn't want to succeed
424
00:15:17,650 --> 00:15:19,617
Because she doesn't think
she can.
425
00:15:19,684 --> 00:15:23,117
So she goes out of her way
to fail.
426
00:15:23,184 --> 00:15:24,483
That's crazy!
427
00:15:24,550 --> 00:15:26,483
But...
428
00:15:26,550 --> 00:15:28,217
Do we really want
to make it a crime
429
00:15:28,284 --> 00:15:30,117
To be crazy at greendale?
430
00:15:30,184 --> 00:15:31,617
I mean, look at us.
431
00:15:31,684 --> 00:15:34,750
I mean, you two are arguing
about status at a college
432
00:15:34,817 --> 00:15:36,650
That correspondence schools
make fun of.
433
00:15:36,717 --> 00:15:40,418
Dean, you want so bad
for this place to be ivy league
434
00:15:40,483 --> 00:15:43,684
That you are putting us
at risk of electrocution.
435
00:15:43,750 --> 00:15:46,650
Everyone on this campus
is nuts.
436
00:15:46,717 --> 00:15:49,117
- not me!
- oh, come on, leonard.
437
00:15:49,184 --> 00:15:51,351
If you're gonna argue with me,
put on a bathing suit.
438
00:15:51,418 --> 00:15:53,750
- busted.
[chuckles]
439
00:15:53,817 --> 00:15:57,318
- if you want to rehabilitate
your fellow inmate,
440
00:15:57,384 --> 00:16:00,351
you need to sentence her
to staying here with us.
441
00:16:00,418 --> 00:16:03,284
Because if crazy people
can't be at greendale,
442
00:16:03,351 --> 00:16:05,517
Where are we supposed to go?
443
00:16:05,583 --> 00:16:10,917
[chang sniffles]
444
00:16:10,984 --> 00:16:12,483
I'll recommend
that the accused
445
00:16:12,550 --> 00:16:14,450
Be fully exonerated.
446
00:16:14,517 --> 00:16:16,017
On the condition
that she receives
447
00:16:16,084 --> 00:16:17,650
Psychological counseling
on a weekly basis
448
00:16:17,717 --> 00:16:19,650
From a trained
mental health professional.
449
00:16:19,717 --> 00:16:21,884
Thinking maybe fridays,
nine-ish, something like that.
450
00:16:21,951 --> 00:16:23,450
All in favor say "aye."
both: aye.
451
00:16:23,517 --> 00:16:25,084
- yes!
- wait, what?
452
00:16:25,151 --> 00:16:27,550
[duncan bangs gavel]
- that just happened.
453
00:16:31,384 --> 00:16:34,251
[electronic whirring]
454
00:16:37,483 --> 00:16:40,951
[abed ululating]
455
00:16:43,617 --> 00:16:44,850
- greetings, abed.
456
00:16:44,917 --> 00:16:46,318
- greetings, commander.
457
00:16:46,384 --> 00:16:49,418
- t-t-tell me
about the one they call troy.
458
00:16:49,483 --> 00:16:51,117
- well, he is
rather arrogant
459
00:16:51,184 --> 00:16:52,917
And has no mercy
for weaker beings.
460
00:16:52,984 --> 00:16:54,884
- stop. stop doing this
right now.
461
00:16:54,951 --> 00:16:56,184
- whoa, whoa, whoa.
462
00:16:56,251 --> 00:16:57,984
I'm not an alien.
[laughs]
463
00:16:58,051 --> 00:16:59,717
- i never thought
you were.
464
00:16:59,784 --> 00:17:01,650
But this is insane, okay?
465
00:17:01,717 --> 00:17:04,284
Those are credible
alien hand movements.
466
00:17:04,351 --> 00:17:05,583
You invented
a whole language.
467
00:17:05,650 --> 00:17:07,184
I'm pretty sure
you rented a green screen.
468
00:17:07,251 --> 00:17:08,583
- yeah.
469
00:17:08,650 --> 00:17:09,784
- it would be less creepy
470
00:17:09,850 --> 00:17:11,251
If you were
actually an alien.
471
00:17:11,318 --> 00:17:12,450
- this is what friends do.
472
00:17:12,517 --> 00:17:15,817
- no.
473
00:17:15,884 --> 00:17:18,284
From now on, abed,
474
00:17:18,351 --> 00:17:20,184
friends don't mess
with each other.
475
00:17:20,251 --> 00:17:21,550
[abed laughing on video]
476
00:17:21,617 --> 00:17:22,951
- okay?
- cool.
477
00:17:23,017 --> 00:17:24,117
- cool?
- cool. bam bam!
478
00:17:24,184 --> 00:17:26,483
- [ululating]
479
00:17:26,550 --> 00:17:27,917
- garrett, it's over.
he knows.
480
00:17:27,984 --> 00:17:29,217
- we will stick things
in his butt.
481
00:17:29,284 --> 00:17:30,650
- [ululating softly]
482
00:17:30,717 --> 00:17:32,251
- you're getting
a little sloppy.
483
00:17:32,318 --> 00:17:33,650
- we went over-budget.
- mm.
484
00:17:37,517 --> 00:17:38,850
- [snorts]
485
00:17:43,850 --> 00:17:46,951
I've got it.
486
00:17:47,017 --> 00:17:48,418
[playing twinkle twinkle
little star melody]
487
00:17:48,483 --> 00:17:53,318
* greendale, greendale
little star-- *
488
00:17:53,384 --> 00:17:54,717
Oh!
489
00:17:54,784 --> 00:17:57,351
[sobbing]
490
00:18:04,951 --> 00:18:06,384
I'm a fraud, annie.
491
00:18:06,450 --> 00:18:09,984
I'm no more of a songwriter
than you or billy joel.
492
00:18:10,051 --> 00:18:12,351
- but what about
the hawthorne wipes jingle?
493
00:18:12,418 --> 00:18:14,884
- oh, yeah, yeah,
sure, the haw--
494
00:18:14,951 --> 00:18:16,650
You want to hear it?
here.
495
00:18:16,717 --> 00:18:18,318
[playing she'll be coming
around the mountain melody]
496
00:18:18,384 --> 00:18:19,984
* you'll be wiping off
that ketchup *
497
00:18:20,051 --> 00:18:21,984
* with our wipes,
hawthorne wipes! *
498
00:18:22,051 --> 00:18:24,117
* you'll be wiping off
that mustard *
499
00:18:24,184 --> 00:18:26,450
* with our wipes
at the picnic! *
500
00:18:26,517 --> 00:18:28,617
- that's she'll be coming
around the mountain.
501
00:18:28,684 --> 00:18:30,684
- i know!
i steal everything.
502
00:18:30,750 --> 00:18:32,784
You backed the wrong horse.
i got nothing.
503
00:18:32,850 --> 00:18:35,951
- pierce, you're musical.
you're creative.
504
00:18:36,017 --> 00:18:38,051
You can do this.
i believe in you.
505
00:18:38,117 --> 00:18:39,684
- well, you shouldn't.
i quit.
506
00:18:39,750 --> 00:18:42,583
- you listen up, pierce!
507
00:18:42,650 --> 00:18:43,917
I'm gonna tell you
what my mother told me
508
00:18:43,984 --> 00:18:46,251
When i wanted
to quit cheerleading.
509
00:18:46,318 --> 00:18:49,084
You're not very pretty,
you have no boobs,
510
00:18:49,151 --> 00:18:51,017
And you can't do a basket toss
to save your life,
511
00:18:51,084 --> 00:18:53,217
But you made a commitment.
512
00:18:53,284 --> 00:18:55,084
So pick up
your pompoms, pierce,
513
00:18:55,151 --> 00:18:57,750
Stuff your bra,
and get ready for the team bus
514
00:18:57,817 --> 00:19:00,817
To forget you at a taco bell,
because life is tough.
515
00:19:00,884 --> 00:19:02,351
But we soldier on,
516
00:19:02,418 --> 00:19:05,084
And that's
just the way it goes.
517
00:19:07,717 --> 00:19:10,550
- gonna play myself out.
518
00:19:13,117 --> 00:19:15,051
- the way it goes.
519
00:19:15,117 --> 00:19:17,084
That's it.
520
00:19:17,151 --> 00:19:21,351
One, two, luis guzman! oh!
521
00:19:21,418 --> 00:19:23,917
[applause]
oh, oh!
522
00:19:23,984 --> 00:19:25,917
You know, greendale
may never be...
523
00:19:25,984 --> 00:19:27,418
- just don't talk to me
for a while.
524
00:19:27,483 --> 00:19:29,184
- no problem.
just glad you're here.
525
00:19:29,251 --> 00:19:32,051
- i'd like to introduce
our student, pierce hawthorne,
526
00:19:32,117 --> 00:19:35,384
Who's written greendale
its own school song.
527
00:19:35,450 --> 00:19:37,251
Pierce, okay.
528
00:19:37,318 --> 00:19:39,217
- thank you, dean,
thank you.
529
00:19:39,284 --> 00:19:40,418
This song goes out
to annie.
530
00:19:40,483 --> 00:19:42,117
- oh.
531
00:19:42,184 --> 00:19:44,084
- for believing in me.
532
00:19:44,151 --> 00:19:48,184
[pierce playing
the way it is melody]
533
00:19:48,251 --> 00:19:50,550
* standing
in the bookstore line *
534
00:19:50,617 --> 00:19:53,517
* waiting for the bell
to chime *
535
00:19:53,583 --> 00:19:57,650
* so you can go to class *
536
00:19:57,717 --> 00:19:59,650
* dancing in your underwear *
537
00:19:59,717 --> 00:20:01,418
* taking
air conditioner repair *
538
00:20:01,483 --> 00:20:02,850
- is this bruce hornsby?
- yep.
539
00:20:02,917 --> 00:20:04,117
- does he know he stole it?
540
00:20:04,184 --> 00:20:05,617
- i don't think so.
let him enjoy it.
541
00:20:05,684 --> 00:20:07,217
- can we get sued?
- not sure.
542
00:20:09,117 --> 00:20:11,017
- * greendale's
the way it goes *
543
00:20:11,084 --> 00:20:12,750
- yeah, they got us.
544
00:20:12,817 --> 00:20:18,084
- * some things
are still the same *
545
00:20:18,151 --> 00:20:21,251
* slop pails and pantyhose *
546
00:20:21,318 --> 00:20:25,418
* oh, annie believes
in me *
547
00:20:28,351 --> 00:20:33,984
Sync by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
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