All language subtitles for CSI 3x20 - Last Laugh.EN

Ladies and gentlemen,
please put your hands together

for the Comedy Hall's
very own Michael Borland.

(applause)

Look, look, the Kennedys
killed Marilyn Monroe.

I'm pretty sure the gunman
in the grassy knoll

was either Arthur Miller
or Joe DiMaggio.

"Bang my wife, will ya?"

(imitates gunshot)

(laughing)

"Hey, if you'd have me,
I'd ask you to marry me.

Hell, somebody's got
to clean my apartment."

Hey, how many of you people

know the theme
to
Gilligan's Island?

(applause)
All right.

Now, how many of you can recite
the Bill of Rights?

That's-that's-that's...

Who cares?
It's really not that important.

We don't use it anymore.

(mumbling)

(laughing)

I hear a lot of folks saying,

"You know, if it wasn't
for the US,

the, uh, French would be
speaking German."

(mild applause)

Yeah, well, if it,
if it wasn't for the French,

you'd be speaking Cherokee.

Get off the stage!

Oh, I'm sorry.
Did I hurt your brains?

"That's my time, everybody.

"Tip for the night:

If you don't know
what you're doing,

"don't do it harder.

Good night, everybody!"

(laughing)

Zip me up.

(sighs)

Anything else?

Yeah. Laugh.

It recently came out that
Jesus could've had siblings.

Could you imagine growing up
having Jesus in your family?

"Why can't you be
more like your brother?"

What's up, dude?

"Uh, 'cause he's the Messiah.
He's the son of God."

Hi, ladies. All right.

"When your brother's home,

we always have wine."

Caught your act
on the tube
last night.

You knocked
them out.

I had to turn up
the volume,

I was laughing
so loud.

This art exhibit get any laughs?

Hey, come on, you're
my only headliner,
you know that.

Well, I'm Michael Borland,
and that's my time...

and that's your silence.

All right, now,
ladies and gentlemen,

let me introduce you to your
headliner this evening...

(loud cheering,
rock theme plays)

...a man I'm sure you know

from his hit TV show,
Dougie to the Max,

Mr. Dougie Max!

(cheering and applause)

Save me.

Remember when I used
to open for you?

(rock theme playing)

What's up, Vegas?

(cheering and applause)

(cheering and groaning)

Hey, kid, it's a cruel world.

(cheering and applause)

Ain't it great? Bam!

Welcome to The Tragedy Hall.

Hey, you hear the one about
the comedian who died onstage?

Literally.
Bah-dum-bum.

I'll be here all week.

Maybe he slipped
on a banana peel.

Bah-dum-bum.
Hmm.

Crowd thought
it was part of his act...

till he didn't get up.

Hi, David.

Hey, Catherine.

Well, there's no foam
on the mouth.

No discoloration
around the lips.

Pupils aren't dilated.

No overt evidence
of a drug overdose.

When was the last time

a comedian died
of natural causes?

Clenched fist...

classic Levine sign.

He's awfully young
for a heart attack.

Well, live fast,
die young...

I forget the rest.
Excuse me!

Could someone turn down
the house lights,

and turn up the stage lights?

Thank you.

I want to see what
he
saw...
right before he died.

What do you see?

Nothing.

What are you looking for?

A punchline?

Bah-dum-bum.

(garbled radio transmission)

See, here's a switch.

They've got
him
rolling in the aisles.

Well, I guess he's off
to a better place.

Any place would be
better than this dump.

Hey, hey!

Sorry, Alan. I didn't see you.

At least Dougie put laughter
in the air

and asses in the seats
and drinks on the tabs.

I loved that guy.

Took me 15 years to find
the next Kinison,

and the minute I do,
he gets a sitcom.

Now I have to pay
him a king's ransom

to come back here
once a year,

and this is where
he started.

(laughs)
Figures the bastard
would die on me.

You know, l-I should
put up a sign,

you know, like
in Dealey Plaza,
"Kennedy Shot Here,"

"Dougie Dropped Here."

Hey, Alan, you got
a spot open now.

What do you say tomorrow
you give me some time?

You got a job.
You want to keep it?

Dougie was a hack
with hack material

who caught a break
and never let anybody forget it.

Oh, you want suspects?

Here, check out
the wall.

Any one of these guys'd kill
to have his stage.

Oh, China.

Six bottles of Innoko water.

Three partially filled,
three unopened.

Don't go Cousteau
on me here.

It was all part
of his shtick.

He was like Tarkanian
with the towel.

You know, always
biting and pacing.

Dougie's mantra was,

"It's a cruel world.
Ain't it great?"

Uh, it was low-brow.
Strictly chug-and-belch.

Laughter is an involuntary
motor response

triggered by survival issues:

Food, sex, body functions...
death.

Yeah, it's a cruel world.

So, who has access
to the Green Room?

Well, according to who?

According to me,
just the talent.

According to these
meat sticks... the world.

All right.

I would like to see
everyone's wallet.

I don't need to see
your identification.

Just open
your wallets.

Uh, it says I'm
180 pounds, but I'm 145.

I know that,
in Nevada law,

if there's a 25-pound
discrepancy, that...

that's actually
against the law.
Thank you.

Thanks.
You're welcome.

In this one
I'm wearing a thong.

That's more than
I needed to know.
Thank you.

(chuckling)

(garbled radio transmission
in distance)

When was the last time
you used this credit card?

What?

(garbled radio transmission)

O.O.D.?

Myocardial necrosis.

Just what you'd expect
from a heart attack,

only I didn't find
any blockages

consistent
with coronary disease.

He was remarkably healthy
for a dead guy.

Well, Dougie Max
had more than comedy
in his blood.

Tox came back
positive for coke.

The answer is... the three
main ways to take cocaine.

All right, Alex.
What is snorting it,

smoking it,
or injecting it?

Very good.

The answer is normal
nasal passages,

clear lungs, and no
track marks on the body.

Continuing this
childish metaphor,

what is how did the drugs
get into his system?

We'll have to wait
for
Final Jeopardy.

(sighs)

(exhaling)

My client has agreed
to plead to possession

and answer any questions.

Nothing she tells you

can be interpreted
as criminal intent...

Well, that's between
you and the DA.

The preliminary tox screen
on Dougie Max

came back positive
for cocaine.

Dougie was in
a program, okay?

It was my cocaine.
He wasn't using.

It was in his blood.

Well...

Dougie always liked to do
a little hum-and-coke

before a show.

Cocaine on the foreskin,
or any skin, for that matter,

is not a stimulant;
it's a numbing agent.

Right. That
was the idea.

You see, the goal wasn't
to pop the cork.

It was to...
shake the bottle.

Sounds frustrating.

Dougie liked to go out
on stage frustrated.

I ran away from home at age 25.

I drank... and I whored...
(cheering)

...and I got my own show!

(cheering)

Yeah,
Dougie to the Max,
bee-yatch!

Gave him an edge.

That was Dougie's philosophy:
Go in hot...

burn the place down.

Oh, you're making coffee.
Good. I could use some.

How do you take it?

Today, high-octane black.

I need your help with something.

Shoot.

A few weeks ago,

Homicide gets called
to Green Valley.

A woman in her 40s slips
in the bathtub and drowns.

You know, cracked skull,
raccooned eyes...

I mean, a traumatic death,
but nothing suspicious.

OSI found what?

I didn't call them in.
I ruled it an accident.

What changed?

Last night I saw
the husband

out on the town.

I mean, I could tell
you something, Nick.

Three weeks ago,
this guy was devastated.

(sobbing)
I should've been here.

What am I going to do?

I mean, she was my life.

Onward and upward.

No, but this is way upward.

I mean, trades in
his beat-up old Acura

for a brand-new Ferrari.

He's with a girl
who gives more lift-off

than-than Cape Canaveral.

(laughs)
People grieve
in different ways, man.

No, I understand that.

I got no problem with that.
I'm not a priest.

That's why I called
the life insurance carrier.

And check this out.

The morning...
Shelley Stark...

was found,

George Stark made a call
to the life insurance agent.

Went like this: "My wife
is dead. I want my money."

I mean, just like that.
All in one breath.

What's the payout?

$750,000.

Now, I got the police report,
autopsy protocol,

detective summary,
and scene photos.

You sure you're not
looking for Grissom?

I'm chasing something that Gil
Grissom isn't interested in...

a hunch.

I don't have to run any tests.

You cannot absorb enough cocaine
through your penis to OD.

Cite your source.

I don't have a source.

That's why we
did the tests.

Whatever.

All right, who wants it?

Cocaine levels

are less than.05 milligrams
per liter.

Way too low.
That's not what killed him.

So what did?

Well, according
to your blood sample,

naratriptamine.

The new migraine medication?

Mm-hmm. Powerful stuff.

And what were the
levels in the vic?

30 milligrams... 12 times
the recommended dosage.

Ooh. Dougie Max was poisoned.

To the max.

Cop shots.
No rulers, no markers.

Just a bathroom,
a towel bar,
and a dead woman.

Injuries are consistent
with an accident.

Yeah, but the contusion
to the back of the head

was not fatal.

Abbreviated autopsy.

Dr. Robbins oversaw.

Cause of death: Drowning.

It jibes
with the husband's account.

It jibes
with the detective's account.

There is nothing in this file

that suggests anything
other than an accident.

I don't know, Sara...

other people's notes,
other people's photos,

evidence twice-removed.

No OSI ever even got
to look at it.

Do you want to go
to the bathroom?

Consumables from the club

that matched
Dougie's stomach contents.

We know that he had
naratriptamine

in his system,

and we also know
that the poison was ingested.

Because Spam can't be absorbed
through the penis,

and if you ask me
to cite my source...

I'll take your word for it.

Death by chocolate again?

Hmm.

I'm Nick Stokes,
that's Sara Sidle
over there,

with the Vegas crime lab.
We're just here to...

Miss,

plea-please-please
don't get so close

to the car,
all right?

The alarm
is really delicate.

We're not really
as concerned
with the car, sir.

What we'd like to do
is look at your bathroom.

Um, why, wha-what

would you like
to look at the bathroom for?

Like I said,
we're with the Crime Lab.

We're here to tie up some loose
ends regarding your wife's case.

I appreciate how thorough
you guys are being,

but... I got...
I got to be honest.

This is pretty painful
territory for me.
Right.

I mean, it's still pretty hard
to get up in the morning

without Shelley.
I understand...

(knocks on car,
alarm sounding)

Ma'am, miss,
I thought I...

Sorry. L-l-l-I'm sorry.
I, uh...

Your neighbors are looking.

I'll get the keys.
Come on. Come on in.

It smells like fresh paint.

Yeah, I had
the whole place
redone this week.

Bad memories.

Did you replace the tub?

No.

But you replaced the fixtures.

There used to be
a towel bar there.

Yeah.

Would you by any chance

have the old towel bar
lying around somewhere?

No, the contractor tossed it.
It was junk.

Came with the house.

This whole
subdivision
comes stock.

In fact, the first thing

the broker told me
when I bought it...

if I ever want to sell,

invest in upgrades.
You selling?

Too big for one person.

Thank you.

Uh, thanks for your time.

Mmm.

You pulled the plug
kind of early.

What's going on?

Yeah, that bathroom's
not the crime scene anymore.

I say we go with
the next best thing.

Model home.

Model home.

What do Socrates,
Edgar Allan Poe,

and Dougie Max
have in common?

They all drank themselves
to death.

You've isolated the source
of the poison?

Naratriptamine...

Innoko water bottle
number three.

(cheering and applause)

Oh, God.

What about the other bottles?

Olean.

Okay. I need you to process that
bottle for trace impurities.

Got it. Anything that might've
mixed in with the poison

could help us identify
the original source.

We identify the source...

maybe we identify the killer.

Where are you going?

To get a drink.

75 units
with 75 identical floor plans.

I never thought I'd be grateful
for cookie cutter homes.

Like bees in a hive.
Gives me the creeps.

You sure you
don't want me
to do this?

Are you kidding?
I live for this.

And Shelley Stark and I
are the same height and weight.

Yeah, but you're
taller, thinner.

Oh, butter that toast, Nick.

(laughs)

(clears throat)

Okay, I'm Shelley Stark.

My bath is over,
and I'm about to get out, so...

I brace myself
with my left hand,

and I'm getting up
at a 45-degree angle,

and I slip... so, I grab
the first thing I can.

Towel bar.

Towel bar.

Okay.

So, at this point,

all of my weight
is being supported by this bar.

And it doesn't budge.

No.

(laughs)

You okay?

Yeah, I'm fine. I'm fine...

but this thing is coming down.

(clears throat)

Okay.

You sure you don't want me
to do that?

No.

(grunting)

Okay.

Sara.

(grunts)

There is no way

that Shelley Stark
brought down this towel bar.

You want me to give it a shot?

(rattling)

(pants)

Someone took a lot of effort to
make this look like an accident.

Yeah,
about $750,000 worth of effort.

Okay, so you know

the thing that drives me
crazy about men?

You know how
they take the toilet paper,

and then they put it up
on top of the holder.

What is that?

Do they not see that?

Are they just busy looking
at their underwear on the floor?

(laughs)
I got a nickname for my man.

I call him Mr. Drop-and-Stay,

'cause if he drops it, man,
it just stays there.

God, uh,

ooh, well,

and that's my time.

Uh, you've been

14 quiet people,

six empty tables,
and I'll see you in hell.

Modern version
of the old hook.

Welcome to Open Mike Night,
guys. What can I get you?

Information.

Wow, your coffee stinks.

Oh, really. I'm sorry
it's not up to the standards

of your crap-ass home brew,

but that'll be five bucks
all the same, my friend.

Dougie Max's Innoko water
bottles that were on the stage

his last performance...

who set them up?

Yours truly. Bartender.

Mr. Max had very
acquired tastes.

Lofty demands, you know.

Six pristine
Innoko water bottles,

labels all facing
the Luxor.

And a Green Room?

Forget it.
Silver tray, Spam, Choco Bees...

all blue.

Not-not to mention
that, uh,

passionfruit stuff...
what is it, two bucks a pop?

Try to find that stuff.

Let's get back to the water.

It was poisoned.

Really?

Mmm.

The, uh, bottles
you took out to the stage...

where'd they come from?

That... Dougie's private stash.

Well, besides you and Dougie,
who had access to it?

Nobody's allowed behind the bar
besides the bar staff and me.

But no one listens to him.
You got a bottle opener?

Hey, that's going on your tab,
you leech.

I'm scared.

Well, you've got a temper...

and a record.

Assault. Club in Tucson.

Yeah, I had a temper,

until I kicked the crap
out of a heckler

for interrupting
my closing bit.

Do you get headaches?

I'm getting one right now.

We want all the Innoko water...

to go.

Warrick...

this just in.

D.B. At a convenience store
on Torrey Pines.

You're all I got.

I'm on it.

Oh, hey, listen.

I checked the bartender's
medical records.

The guy's had six different
prescriptions for migraines

in the last two years.

Guess which one he's on now?

Naratriptamine.

I'm Warrick Brown from OSI.

You want to tell me
what happened here?

I don't know.

Kid walks in.
He goes down an aisle.

Next thing I know,
he drops dead.

Where'd he start?

He was pacing back and forth,
scoping the place out.

I always spot
those kids.

People don't know.

You consume food or drink
in the store,

it's the same
as shoplifting

until you pay for it.

What'd he steal?

A beverage.

He put it back before
I could catch him.

Where?

Over here.

This isn't funny anymore.

Total recall.
We pulled 140 bottles

of Innoko water off the shelves
in this store alone.

There's 500 convenience stores
in Vegas.

We need to get this product
off the shelves now.

Grocery stores,
restaurants, wholesalers...

Right now,
it looks like

only your Innoko water product
is involved.

OSI is going to need the name
of any recent firings,

anyone with a lawsuit
against the company,

anyone who's made threats
against the company...

anyone with an axe to grind.

I know
that we risk panic,

Chief, but I'd rather

risk that
than have another victim.

Hang on.

We need to find out
what's in there.

I'm back.

Yeah.

Right.

I checked her
lungs... bath water.

And the blow to the
back of the head

consistent
with a fall.

Besides, Homicide
reported

that nothing at the scene
indicated foul play,

so, there was no
reason to do more

than an abbreviated autopsy.

No one's impugning
your work, Doctor.

Yeah, it's nothing personal,
Doc.

Well, this
is
personal, Nick.

I tend to take
my work to heart,

and when the two of you
come in here

asking me to sign
a court-ordered request

for an exhumation of a body
that's already left my hands,

I tend to take it
very personally.

Look, I'm the one
who said

Shelley Stark's death
was an accident,

and I'm the one
with second thoughts.

I mean, it's my ass
on the line.

That's wrong, Captain.
It's my ass on the line.

I don't think the two of you
are sensitive

to what we're
really talking about here.

First of all, exhumations
are costly and public.

Makes this office look inept,
and that's just internally.

God forbid it gets
in the newspaper.

Remember something...

the public does not understand
abbreviated autopsy.

All they hear
is "Oh, what did he miss?"

No one's saying
you missed anything.

We have new evidence.

We need to reevaluate the body.

Respectfully, Nick,
I don't think you understand.

I think I do understand.

Yeah, Nick...

Give us a minute,
will you?

Just a minute.

Neither of us want to be wrong,

but this isn't about
the press, the public,

your office,
you or me.

This is about Shelley Stark.

Now, we can do
one of two things.

We can do nothing,
let this guy walk,

or we can go to work,
exhume the body,

and find
new evidence.

Now, it's your call.

The poison
in both bottles

is naratriptamine.

Same trace impurities
in the water... sulfides,

phenols, amino acid complexes
and caffeine.

So, we've got two bottles
of poisoned Innoko water...

one from a comedy club
on Western,

the other
from a convenience store

halfway across town.

What's the connection?

There may not be one;
it could just be random.

So, how are we going
to get this guy?

You know, they never
caught the guy

who put the cyanide in the
Tylenol back in the '80s.

They found out

how the bottles
were tampered with.

That's where safety seals
came from.

No injection holes
in the bottle from
the Speedy Mart.

Do you see anything?

No... no, nothing yet.

Wait a minute.

It's in the threads.

Would you like to try
one from the Comedy Hole?

Mr. Phillips,
she's not going to hop out

of that coffin by herself.

Doc, I'm not quite sure
how to proceed.

First exhumation.

Well, it's very simple.

You open it up.

Now, if she grabs you,

use your free hand
and hold her down, okay?

Okay.

(lid squeaking)

Wow.

She's pretty well-preserved.

Well, embalming does...

Removes the blood,
retards bacterial growth,

and, uh, pickles the tissue.

David, would you
do me a favor?

Go to the store
and buy some
cold cream.

Why?
Her makeup...

it's got to come off.

Oh. Okay.

Thanks.

Yeah.

Thanks, Dave.

Las Vegas awakens today
with a terrible realization

that our city may face
a new and deadly menace.

15-year-old Casey Flynn
collapsed and died this morning

shortly after drinking a bottle
of Innoko water

at a convenience store
near Torrey Pines.

What kind of sick bastard
would do something like this?

The question isn't
who... it's how.

As in how do they
expect this lab

to test 40,000 bottles
of overpriced tap water?

If we have to, one
bottle at a time

until we find every
tainted bottle.

The events occurred
on opposite ends of town,

and investigators
have not yet established

a definite connection
between the two deaths.

But Las Vegas residents
fear the worst...

that our city may be in the grip

of a product-tampering
nightmare.

You know
how they tested for the cyanide

in the Tylenol case?

Hodges? One, two, three?

(imitates buzzer)

They took it to the airport.

They x-rayed bottles in bulk
using baggage scanners.

Nice... cyanide's opaque
to X rays.

Yeah, cyanide and X rays...

that's a lucky break.

But any of you geniuses

have a "lucky" test
for naratriptamine?

We've got a bigger problem
than we thought we had.

Why are you looking at me?

I'm not looking at you.

Yes, you are.

We think that we nailed
the tampering method.

The poison
wasn't inside the bottle.

It was on the bottle cap.

We think that the killer

dripped a solution
of naratriptamine

into the threads

of the bottle cap.

Capillary action pulled
the solution into the threads,

where it dried
into white crystals.

Oh, so, each time Dougie Max
and Casey Flynn took a sip,

the liquid came in contact
with the threads

and washed back
into the bottle.

And so the
poison I found

in the Innoko water
was... backwash.

Which means that
we're going to have

to take the caps off

of 40,000 bottles.

Right now,
that's the way it looks.

Great.

I need to see the lot numbers

of the bottles you pulled
from the convenience store.

I got all the stacks arranged
by locations,

so the convenience store
is right here.

140 bottles... NV6630.

The tainted bottles
didn't come from this lot.

Well, the bottle that
killed Casey Flynn
came from this store.

Somebody may have just walked in
and put it there, though.

Where are the bottles
from the comedy club?

Over here.

These are a match.

So, the source of
the poison bottles
was the comedy club.

Maybe the killer
wanted us to think

it was random product tampering.

Why?

To cover up one murder
with another.

I've never seen
mold like this.

Embalming fluid's a witch's brew

of formaldehyde, phenol,
methanol and alcohol,

perfume and pink coloring agent.

Kills the bacteria,
but mold feeds on it?

Yeah.

It's like
bathing an infant, Nick.

Soft and always
in motion.

What's wrong?
I'm not doing it right?

No, you're
doing fine.

See the bruising

on her back and
her right elbow?

It's consistent with her fall.

But it wasn't in your report.

Well, it wasn't evident
four weeks ago.

Subtle bruising
may not be evident

at the time of death,

but it can be accentuated
by the embalming process

after the body leaves my slab.

This bruising would have meant
nothing to the mortician.

They're in the beauty business.

It's my job to spot them,
their job to cover them.

Let's turn her over.

Got her?

Yeah.

Here we go.

All right, let's see
what's under that makeup.

Bruises on her face.

Brass was right.

We are looking
at murder.

Naratriptamine
comes in tablet form.

In order to get it
in the solution,

you'd have to grind it up.

There were traces of caffeine
with the naratriptamine.

Right, so how
did it get there?

Maybe it got there
during the grinding process.

There was a coffee grinder
in the Green Room

at the Comedy Hole.

Do you provide your
comedians with coffee

or do they brew
their own?

Around here you get generic.

If they want something special,
they can bring a thermos.

Just take
whatever you want, okay?

Knock yourself out.

That's the last
picture taken

of Dougie Max
before he died.

Doesn't the red light
mean "get off the stage"?

No, the red light means
"get off the stage
now."

So why were you giving
Dougie Max the red light?

He's my headliner.

I wasn't giving him
the red light.

We're going to need
a sample of everyone's DNA.

All right, gentlemen.

Good afternoon.

Could you line up
for me, please.

Right up here,
please.

Is this going
to take a long time?

I've got a 4:00 bikini wax
that I don't want to miss.

I got to get my wig redone
like in a half hour, so if we...

I have plenty of time.

I have no career.

Right, well, I can see

you all know how to open
your mouths, so, good.

Ready?

Just give me an "O."

I need a lot of foreplay.

Oh, well, then maybe I
should use a rectal swab.

Ah... oh.

Good boy.

Okay, who's next
for some foreplay?

Oh, a nail
biter, huh?

You mind if I see your hands?

I'm one of 11 kids

from 12 dads.

You figure it out.

Yeah, I gave him the red light.

What are you going to do,

arrest me for distraction
with intent to humiliate?

I'm guilty.

What?
Are you kidding me?

I was joking.

Funny.

You know, something
about your wife's case

never felt right to me.

It bugged me,
kept me up at night.

It's not because you called
your insurance company

and filed a claim
the next day.

It's your policy;
it's your right.

It's not because you
bought a new Ferrari;

it's your money.

Or because you're
with a beautiful girl.

I mean, you just
lost your wife,

you need some companionship.

No.

Because of something you said.

What am I going to do?

She was my life.

You said, "She
was
my life."

Not
is.

That's why I'm sitting here?

Because I used the wrong tense
at the time of my wife's death?

No, hold on
a minute.

I've been a detective
for half my life.

I can count on one hand
the times surviving spouses

used the past tense,
and I got to tell you,

I'll be damned if every one of
them wasn't guilty of something.

Now, I mean, that's just me.

I mean, in a court of law
it means nothing.

NIOK:
But...

this...

and this...

and this...

mean everything.

The fact that
you're left-handed

doesn't hurt us either.

Hurts you, though.

Wait a minute.

I haven't
seen these.

New evidence.

Body was exhumed
by a court order.

Second autopsy.

You dug her up?

Mm-hmm.

I didn't give anyone
permission to dig her up.

You're a suspect
in a murder case.

We don't need your permission.

Can they do that?

Yeah.

You killed your wife, George.

I loved my wife.

And she loved you.

Which is why she didn't react

when you walked into
the bathroom that night.

You staged the crime scene.

You see, it's physically
impossible for her

to pull that towel rack
off the bathroom wall.

It was an accident.

You said so yourself.

I was wrong.

I see the pictures.
I hear the theories.

Still doesn't make
my client a murderer.

(indistinct muttering)

Hey!

Hey! Hey!

That's my car!
What are you...?

What the hell is going on here?

This is harassment.

We don't have enough
to file charges, but
the insurance company

feels they got
more than enough.

Civil charges.

Translated: That means they
want their cheese back, man.

They want their $750K.

They can just take my car?

For starters, yeah.

This isn't the end of our

criminal investigation
there, George.

It's just the beginning.

That's present tense.

The coffee you bagged
from the club

doesn't match
the tainted Innoko water.

That's the bad news.

Still listening.

You know what I have that
you want in the mornings?

Apart from my devilish grin and
rakish good looks, of course.

I like your coffee.

No, no.

You love my coffee.

And you want to know why?

It's Blue Hawaiian.

40 bucks a pound,
hand-picked...

I know,
the finest money can buy.

No, not even close.

Just let me get there.

Now caffeine by itself
is not distinctive.

It's in all kinds
of coffee by definition.

Now the trace amino acid
complex, on the other hand,

is a signature.

Okay, so you've identified
the type of coffee.

Kopi Luwak.

The most expensive
coffee in the world.

Revered for its rich,
chocolatey texture

and made from the excrement

of a small Indonesian
cat-like creature

known as a luwak.

Oat feces?

The luwak eats
only the ripest beans,

which pass through
its digestive system intact.

However, during the process

enzymes break down
a number of amino acids

which cause
bitterness.

And leaves
a unique chemical signature.

So whichever one
of your suspects

drinks Kopi Luwak
is your killer.

We are a bashing nation.

Gay bashing?
You know what that is?

That's guys going,

"I hate you 'cause
you're queer and you're gay

"and you're kind
of attractive

"and I would like to have sex
with you but I'm in the closet

"so I'll just
beat you up

"and then play with myself

in my Trans Am
on the way home."

Boo.

Boo?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to offend you.

Hey, you know what?

If that offends you,

perhaps you should
just come out of the closet

and move on with your life.

You're going to feel
so much better.

You know, you are what you hate.

(one person clapping lightly)

All right, um...

Mm, I'm a little dehydrated.

I hope you don't mind
if I replenish my bodily fluids.

Mm...

(laughing)

(applause)

It's a cruel world...

Ain't it great?

Yeah.

You know what you'd like?

How many people
would like it if I just,

if I just
dropped trou right now

and peed on
Vin Diesel's head, huh?

(cheering)

Wouldn't you like that?

I'll do it.
I'm willing to do it
for you good people.

Oh, I'll do it.

(cheering)

Open wide.

I'm flattering myself,
ladies and gentlemen.

You don't have to open up
that wide.

See, I'm implying
I have a tiny, tiny penis.

That's what that joke would be.

Ergo, the comedy.

I'm talking about penises.

You just want to eat
out of that toilet bowl.

Yum, yum.

(cheering)

Shut up.

(cheering)

Shut up.

Don't you get it?

Are you that stupid?

I am making fun of you.

I am the lowest
common denominator

in comedy when I do that crap.

The only way I could get you
to stop laughing now

is if I went
to every single table

and slit every one
of your throats.

I can see that
I am getting

the red light,
ladies and gentlemen,

and that means
it's time for me to stop.

Stop with the hate
and stop with the fear.

Stop with the lies.

Comedy, uh,

comedy's supposed
to be about the truth.

You know, uh, I killed tonight.

And, uh, I killed, uh,
two nights ago.

Dougie Max.

Uh... on this stage.

'Cause I despised
everything he stood for.

Dumb people, like you.

You think I did a disservice
to the world

by killing
Dougie Max?

You ought to give me a parade.

But the shame of it is,

is that, uh, an innocent kid

got killed, too,
and, uh...

I blame you.

Yeah, I, uh...

I didn't think you were
going to get the joke.

Oh, I got it.

It just wasn't funny.