All language subtitles for Top.Gear.S32E02.WEB

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, welcome to Top Gear,

where tonight, things are
a bit out of the ordinary,

because I can't help but notice
little Chrissy Harris

has a certain spring in his step.
Look at him.

He does. I'd say he's even
looking a little bit...jaunty.

He is! He's perky.
He's cock-a-hoop.

What's the news, Christopher?

Two-for-one at Harrods?
No, even better than that.

Go on. Let us into the secret.

Tonight's the show when I get
to put Fred in a tiny plastic car

and push him off the side
of a mountain.

Oh. Glad we can make you
happy, finally.

Anyway, that's all coming up later.

But we kick off tonight by
talking about TV cop shows.

Love a police procedural, Pad.

We do. Specifically, we're talking
about that noble tradition

of TV cop cars.

Because there was once a time,
back in the day,

when Luther was in short pants

and everyone thought H in
Line Of Duty was in Steps,

when telly police cars were
legends in their own right.

Cop a look at this.

We got company, all right.

Slip on the leather jacket and
the aviator shades.

It's time to rewind to
the TV cop show golden age.

A time when screen coppers
played by their own rules...

Get your trousers on -
you're nicked.

..and drove proper cars.

Cars that were as famous

as the actors behind the wheel.

But to really show how special
they were,

we've been given the chance to
have a little nosey round

some of the all-time greats.

Ah, now...we're starting off
with an absolute peach.

As we call it in Bolton,
Mammie Vice.

Put your hands where I can see 'em!

Crockett and Tubbs. Yes!

Ferrari Testarossa.

Let's get it out of the way now -
you're going to call me Tubbs.

No, no, no, no.
Don't be like that, Chris.

Hey, but I'll tell you what,
we've missed a trick, though.

Edit this in - Tubbs. Tubbs.

THEY LAUGH

Can I give you a fun fact on this?
Go on.

The first two series used a Daytona
on a Corvette chassis.

And Enzo Ferrari didn't like that.

He sent them two Testarossas.

That's a really, really lovely car.

This sounds ridiculous,
but in what world do you walk past

a Testarossa, see a Capri, and go,
"I'd rather have that"?

Bodie and Doyle,
they were heroes, weren't they?

When you played Professionals
at school, who were you?

Bodie. I were Bodie. Yeah.

Didn't want to be Doyle,
with the whole curly hair

and all that deep thinking.

You want to be Bodie,
booting down the doors.

You're going to hate me here.

I know the names,
and I've heard of it...

Hang on a minute. No!

You've never seen The Professionals?

I know what it is!
I've heard of it.

You call yourself British?!

Are you aware of the fact
we have a Queen in this country?

Well, yeah, she gave me an MBE.

Oh, I love that. Oh, I like that!
Thanks for popping in, Chris.

Next car. Thank you.

Look, the small-screen heroes
just go on and on.

These cars were actually
characters in their shows.

Exactly. They were as important
as the cops themselves.

Take Simon Templar's super-sleek,
but brilliantly understated

Volvo P1800 in The Saint.

This is the most beautiful Volvo
I think I've ever seen. Gorgeous.

Or...the low-key but very punchy

Sierra Sapphire RS Cosworth
in Spender.

I've got to say, I could see
Jimmy Nail driving this now.

And how about DCI Gene Hunt's
Audi Quattro -

that brilliant '80s throwback
in Ashes To Ashes?

Totally iconic car.

Independent of the programme -
an amazing vehicle.

And, of course, there was
Dempsey And Makepeace -

starring the Mercedes 500 SL,

beautifully cast against
Ford's Escort XR3i Cabriolet.

This was a brilliant piece
of product placement.

People went out and
bought them in their droves.

And again, it was a personality
on the show.

For me, though, the absolute best
of the classic cop-car crop

could only be this little beauty.

HE LAUGHS

Starsky & Hutch's iconic
Ford Gran Torino!

What a show Starsky & Hutch was.

I absolutely loved it.

A couple of undercover cops
driving around

the mean streets of Bay City,

in, let's be honest,
the least undercover cop car ever.

First shown in 1975,
Starsky & Hutch was a global hit.

And the California detectives'
antics behind the wheel

made the Gran Torino one of
the most famous cars in TV history.

But the truth is,
underneath the stripes,

the big old Ford didn't have
a whole lot to shout about.

The Gran Torinos from
that era of American cars,

where they had absolutely
massive engines...

..but not much performance.

So, the show's mechanics had
a tinker about with the gear ratio

and made the car quicker
off the line -

but it wouldn't go above 50mph.

And if it went above 50mph,

the engine'd blow up.

Not very good for catching bad guys.

Hey, this is one quick car!

Yeah, it's fast.
No, not fast - quick.

There's a difference.

And it's not exactly
what you'd call agile.

TYRES SCREECH
Whoa!

It corners like a house
on a skateboard!

And the braking, well...
it's pretty much nonexistent.

In we go.
TYRES SCREECH

Ohh!

It's so wallowy!

There we go.

How very...McGuinness.

How cool is that!

My ultimate, on the other hand,

is far more...cultured.

This might sound ridiculous,

but in a world where I've been
so lucky and privileged to drive

so many expensive, glamorous cars,

that an old Mark 2 Jag
should be so...erm...

..emotional.

But this is Inspector Morse's car -
the actual one.

And that's my favourite
TV programme of all time.

Inspector Morse arrived in 1987,

and soon became a household name -

the story of a grumpy,
erudite Oxfordshire detective

always at the wheel of
an old 1960s Jag.

An old Jag that, once upon a time,

had a reputation for grace
and sophistication.

But by the 1980s,
when Morse arrived, well,

it had a different image, let's say.

It was a bit more bank robber
than stately home.

But it all fitted
with Morse's character -

the curmudgeon intellect
who loved real ale,

loved intellectual discussion,
loved crosswords,

disliked...pleasantries.

Come on! Come on. Weekend drivers!

And if a great police car in
a TV show says something about

the driver or that character
that almost no lines could,

then I think this is
the cleverest of the lot.

And the best part -

this genius piece of casting
didn't come from some big-money

product-placement deal with Jaguar.

The producers found the Mark 2
in a scrapyard, complete with

its after-market vinyl roof.

I'll tell you what,
it drives beautifully.

Such a gorgeous shape.

And inside, this big, thin-rimmed
steering wheel - Bakelite -

moving around in my hands,
I can really feel what's going on.

The gearbox - accurate.

It's a little peachy gearbox.

This is the baby 2.4-litre,
120 horsepower.

It does 100mph flat out,

0-60, over 14 seconds.

But who cares when you're
driving Morse's car?

Not me.

Because now the support acts
are out of the way,

it's time to introduce
a proper star.

Magnum PI's Ferrari 308 GTS.

Oh, pass me a flowery shirt,

stick an hamster on me top lip,

and I'm ready to solve
some crime in Hawaii!

Now, all right, Magnum wasn't
technically a cop -

he was a private investigator.

But come on - when catching bad guys
looks this good, who cares?

Imagine you've got the
run of Hawaii,

you've got a revvy V8 behind you,

a manual gearbox, rear-wheel drive.

ENGINE ROARS

Oh, it looks great -
but it sounds great, too.

Ohh!

It's mad to think it now,

but Magnum wasn't originally
meant to drive the 308.

He was meant to drive
a Porsche 928.

To make the most of
the Hawaiian weather, though,

the producers wanted an
open-top version.

And when Porsche refused
to build 'em one,

the 308 was the obvious choice.

But Tom Selleck, he's a big lad.

Same height as me -
couldn't fit in it.

Ferrari said, "We're not bothered.

"We'll chop and weld it.
We'll make it bigger.

"We'll get him in it."

So, Magnum was upgraded to
an Italian Stallion.

It is a squeeze in here, though.

I've got the seat all the way
back. I'm nearly lying down.

I can barely get into fourth gear
because me leg's in t'way.

I'm in me stockinged feet.

I had me size-12s on,

but I was pressing all the pedals
at the same time.

There's about that much
room between 'em.

But I've got to say,
it doesn't matter.

ENGINE ROARS

He was living the dream, Magnum.
He was living it.

Listen to that!

Who's this flash Harry?

Is that Magnum PI, I spy?

I'm hunting him down!

SIREN WAILS

Oh, no, I'm getting chased!

Let's get that Ferrari!

He really does think he's Starsky.

I've got to admit, though,
I'm getting into the Magnum vibes.

I'm thinking of growing a tash.

Oh, he span out! You span out!

BOTH LAUGH

All right, Morse, here I come.

Oh, God.

You can't get away from
Starsky and Hutch, Morse!

There am I,
imagining Oxfordshire, dons,

clever-thinking crosswords...

McGuinness comes at me
in that thing. What a clown.

HE LAUGHS

Oh, it's so much fun!

Do you know what's great
about this, lads?

You'd never get these
three cars together.

We've got the best of the
'60s, '70s and '80s right here.

Proper iconic cop cars.

These are pure class.
Look at them - pure class.

Yeah, but if you look
at cop cars now, Paddy,

they don't have the character
like these, do they?

No. No, they don't.

If I see a bent copper,
I only know one way -

and that's full throttle.

This is what cop shows
look like these days.

It's all gritty realism and accurate
representations of modern policing.

Yeah, they're great dramas.

I've got some painkillers
in the car. I'll just...

No, don't move. I'll get them.

But when one of your leads
is swanning around in a nice,

comfy Volvo because of his bad back,

we can't help but see a bit of
a missed opportunity.

Ladies and gentlemen,
it's time to introduce

our nominees for a new era
of TV cop-car stars.

HE LAUGHS

ENGINE ROARS

That's my theme tune right here!

Listen to it!

The Dodge Charger SRT
Hellcat Widebody.

Thanks to a supercharged
6.2-litre V8,

this is a 500-brake horsepower
four-door.

So, plenty of room in the back
for a couple of punks,

in a car that'll hit 60mph
in 3.5 seconds.

And it won't give up the chase
until it hits 196mph.

And I love the way it looks.

It's so mean. It's intimidating.

This is a car driven by a cop
you know that can't be messed with -

in between his trips to
the petrol station.

And when I said this big old
slice of American muscle

has 500 horsepower, it does -

when you use the regular black key.

But when you buy
a Charger Hellcat,

you also get given a red key.

And the red key gives you
700 horsepower.

You've heard of
"Good Cop, Bad Cop"?

This is Psychotic Cop.

ENGINE ROARS
Whooooa!

Still so very...McGuinness.

What the modern TV cop really needs
is a precision instrument.

Introducing the very yellow
Audi RS3.

HE LAUGHS

If telly cop shows have taught us
anything over the years,

it's that to catch the bad guys,

you've got to think like a bad guy.

And bad guys making a getaway
don't just need to be quick -

they need to be nimble, agile.

So, I've thought like a bad guy,

and I've chosen the ultimate
modern hot hatch.

It's compact. It's grippy.

It's seriously quick.

And I'm thinking heritage here,

because this is basically
the modern version of

the Life On Mars Audi Quattro.

Like the old Quattro,
it's got a five-cylinder

turbo-charged engine up front,

this time with 400 horsepower,

and it's got Audi's legendary
Quattro four-wheel-drive system.

If you're chasing mobsters
around mean city streets,

this is what you need.

It's quick!

Quick on a road, maybe.

But I reckon the modern telly cop
should be quick everywhere.

Whoa! Get in!

The Ford F-150 Raptor.

The truck that'll stop at nothing
to dish out justice.

Yeah, this is the world's
best-selling pick-up

made tougher and faster.

The V6 engine is based on
the one in Ford's GT supercar,

and makes 450 horsepower.

It might weigh
as much as a bungalow,

but this thing shifts.

Off-road, on-road,
cities, mountains -

you're just not getting away.

HE LAUGHS

You've just got to remind yourself
how big this thing is.

It gets going in a straight line,

and then, the corners...
a little bit trickier.

In fact, the Raptor is way
too big for UK roads.

But TV cops, they don't worry
about parking at Asda.

they just want to make
a big entrance.

And nothing makes as big an
entrance as a Raptor.

FRED ON RADIO: Hello, hello, hello.

What's going on here, then, boys?

HE LAUGHS

Lovely stickerage, Fred.

Bold choice of car, though.
FRED LAUGHS

Why have you written "Ranger"
on a Raptor?

It's a Ford Raptor,
not a Ford Ranger.

Because the Ranger's driving, Chris.

You've heard Chuck Norris...
Texas Ranger?

Flintoff, Preston Ranger!

HE LAUGHS
Oh, God.

I've gone full-on '80s action cop.

LAUGHTER

Honestly, it is an absolute
monster, this thing. I love it.

I see Chris has gone for
a mid-sized family hatchback.

What's that about?

It's an Audi RS3,
and if I need to catch baddies,

which is the name of the game,
this thing's a weapon.

It's the obvious choice.

Well, to see who'd actually
chosen best,

we'd been told to head to
a nearby deserted power station.

Look at this, lads.

I'm smelling bad guys.

Just the kind of playground
you'd pick for a bit

of TV crime-fighting fun.

Oh, yeah. Oh, no.
THEY CHUCKLE

Yes.

Ohh! Yes.

Now we're talking, boys!

All right? Yes.

Wh-wh-wh-what? What?

Looking at your trousers,
is your cop based on

an ex-geography teacher?

I'm not going to lie. Yeah?

I was hoping the trousers
would be a bit more fitted.

OK? Preston Ranger.

What are you doing?

You two are like a couple of
children that have had a go

in a fancy dress shop.

Well, let me introduce you to
Officer...Dirty Cobra.

Hang on. Dirty Cobra?

That's right. Why?

Well, I took a bit of Dirty Harry
and a bit of Cobra,

mixed 'em together.
What've you got in your mouth?

Dirty Cobra?! Toothpick.
Because what that's good for -

in like in any classic film,
you see a baddy, you go...

HE SPITS

..and then, you're in.
I've got plenty of spares.

That reminds me. Hang on.
Hang on. Talking about...

While he's gone, Pad,
why are you wearing shades?

All good cops wear shades, Chris.

Brought me own toothpick.

CHRIS LAUGHS
I don't need a gun.

Woodworm. They went out
of business, didn't they?

Yeah, when I retired.
HE LAUGHS

So, my backstory is...

..ex-cricketer,
retired through injury.

It was sad. I lost me way for
a while. I hit the drink.

You didn't.
My life was going nowhere!

So, I decided...
I'm going to give a bit back.

I'm going to go back to Preston.

I'm going to clean them streets up.

I don't need a gun. I've got this.
Is that why you've had your thing

signed up like Environmental Health?

Yeah, cleaning it up.
All right, I like that.

I do t'bins, as well.

What's the backstory here?
Single man?

LAUGHTER

What is it? Right...

Where does that jumper start
and stop, and your chin finish?

Right, stop there.

The character's name -
you're going to love this -

is Dave Tall. What?

It's a visual gag,
cos I'm not actually tall.

So, the whole time I say,
"I'm Dave Tall."

And everyone goes,
"He's actually short."

I'm actually a failed racing driver.

Yes, you are.
LAUGHTER

He's playing himself.
He's Chris Harris.

You're Chris Harris in a polo neck.

The big change of wardrobe for me
is I've bought a new jumper -

opportunity for the winter.

And when things get tasty...
Oh, he's got summat here.

What's he got? This is the secret.
Here we go. This'll be good.

..Dave Tall puts on
his driving gloves.

Is that it? This signals the fact
that I'm in pursuit in the show.

So, you'll see the red gloves
on the steering wheel,

and all the kids will go,
"Tall's about to get tasty."

What he's done, this morning
he's got up and he's thought,

"What have I got in me
drawer at home?"

And he's...that's it. That is it.

Look at the gloves. Look at him.

Well, anyhow, listen, we've all
got our cop characters now.

Now, every classic cop film
has a signature move,

something when they rock up in
the car and they get out,

and it freeze-frames on them.
Yeah, yeah. Right?

I want to see all your
signature moves.

Now, get yourselves set.
I'm going to...start you off,

show you what the crack is.

I reckon yours could be trying to
drive that in a straight line.

Here we go.

Hey...
HE SPITS

All right. Go, Cobra.

Cobra?

Paddy, where are yer?

I'm sorry...
Dirty Cobra, where are yer?

DC's just on a stakeout.

A stakeout? DC!

There's a criminal in
my car park, DC.

THEY GIGGLE

Leave it to Dirty Cobra.

PULSING '80S SYNTH THEME

Ooh, here he comes.

Where's he going?
Why's he walking around t'car?

He's going to make a gesture.
Oh, here we go.

What's he doing? Going to make
a powerful physical gesture.

Here we go.

I hope he's got insurance.

THEY LAUGH

Seriously?
Hey, what do you reckon, boys?

Why do you want him
to have insurance?

Why? Have a look at him, son.

He's been apprehended -
by the unconscious police.

Look at the punk on the floor.
You can take that out now.

Don't touch the DC toothpick!

Take it out! All right!

Geography teacher...
CHRIS LAUGHS

You're up next, Tall. Ow!

Oh, are you radioing
to Dave Tall?

DCI Small, are you OK?

BLEEP Tall.

Oh, sorry. Sorry. Tall. Tall. Tall.

Are you ready, DCI Tall?

Yes. Come on, let's see
what you've got.

A3 - I'm still not sure.
You know what I mean?

SWANKY ACTION THEME PLAYS

SIREN WHOOPS

Ohh!
PADDY LAUGHS

Oh, yes!
FRED AND PADDY: Ohh!

You know...

..when you've been Talled.

"You...you know..."?

That's...it's no "go ahead,
punk, make my day," is it?

What? Look, I still think
it's a nice catchphrase.

And I've always got
cardboard boxes round me,

which is a strong look.

I thought it was quite...
Where's the criminal?

Who have you apprehended?
Are you apprehending Amazon?

BOTH: "No box is safe!"

Oh! And then, he did that
with his hands!

He did that!

OK. Dave Tall might need a
bit more development.

But no matter, because it was
time to embrace the crazy

once and for all with Flintoff,
Preston Ranger.

Right, set him off.

Andrew, show us what you've got.

Coming in right now.

CRUNCHY ROCK THEME PLAYS

BANJO PLAYS

Oh, yeah, that's the shot!

Oh, my God, whoa!

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Whoa, Preston Ranger!
Now, that's an arrival.

That is an arrival!

You cut me mid-flow.

Sorry!

I'll shut the door and...
Do it again, do it again!

I'll get back in character.
Sorry, sorry. Oh, God! Bloody hell!

Oh, God, here we go.

BOTH LAUGH

Whoa, Preston Ranger!

BOTH LAUGH

Well done, Preston Ranger!

Have they come out of your bag?
Your balls have dropped!

They've come out
the bottom of me trousers!

LAUGHTER

I'll put 'em back up.

Yeah, I think it's probably
t'best bet.

BOTH LAUGH

Howdy.

Oh, what's he doing? Dunno.

That's gone a long way.

Howzat?

Now, at this point,

it was decided it was time
to take a more focused approach

to finding out who had chosen
the best new TV cop car.

And that meant it was chase time.

With the power station turned
into a temporary racetrack,

each taking turns as the cop,

we'd now hunt down a suitably
nefarious Chrysler 300C,

driven by a couple of...
conveniently available robbers.

And, to make sure this serious
testing didn't result in

an even more serious accident,

each car had been fitted
with proximity sensors.

Get within ten metres of
the getaway car for ten seconds,

and the chase...would be over.

Quickest to catch the crims wins.

Right, straight for that bag,
straight in - leave your door open.

Quick getaway.

Told him t'leave the door open.
He shuts it.

Dick.

What's going on here, then?

TOOTS HORN
Oh, hang on.

Get in, you tool!

Come on, go, go, go, go!

Oh, here he comes!
Here's the Ranger!

Tell you what, he's going quick.

Stop right there!
The Ranger's coming!

HORN TOOTS

Oh, my God, he's got his
lights on, as well.

HORN TOOTS

Oh, he's just smashed
the whole lot out of the way!

That thing looks properly worrying
in your rear-view mirror,

I tell you, Pad.

Come on, don't dig in now, Raptor.
I've got 'em in me sights!

He's closed a massive gap on us.
Here we go, whoa!

Whoa...whoa!

Here we go, I'm catching 'em,
I'm catching 'em.

Oh, he's all over us like a rat.
He's over us like a rat!

Look at the size of
the bloody thing!

Say you what -
off-road capabilities,

I'm going to use 'em.

This is where Dirty Cobra
gets it back here.

Oh, you know, he's disappeared.

Where is he? Where's he gone?

There he is, there he is!
We've got yer!

Oh, he's there!

Coming for yer.

He's onto us, he's onto us.

SENSOR BEEPS
Keep beeping, keep beeping.

He's going to get us! Shut up!
Go straight down there!

Come on, pull over, man.
You're done. You're done!

LAUGHTER

He's on us! The Ranger's on us!

Come on!

He's gone. He's gone, he's gone!

Nobody gets away from
the Ranger!

No, we haven't. No, we haven't!

Do you know why I'm stopping yer?

THEY LAUGH
We've got a good idea, Ranger.

Your back right tyre's down.

I'm not going to write you
a ticket this time. Thank you.

But get yourself home, drive
carefully, and get it sorted.

Howzat?

That was an impressively ruthless
four-minute, 50-second chase.

Next on duty, the Dirty Cobra -

ready to unleash his
Charger Hellcat.

Go! Go, go, go, go, go.

All right.

Oh!

HE LAUGHS
Here we go!

Let's get these punks!

Oh, here he comes.
He's right behind yer. Is he?

The Cobra's here, boys!

That's a bit slippy.

Come on! What...we're not...

Why have you not got your
gloves on neither?

Cos I'm not the policeman
at the moment!

Yeah, but you're faster in your
gloves. That's the trademark.

Whoa! The Hellcat's all
over the shop!

We're getting away from him.
We're going to get away with this!

We're going to get away with it!
Mexico, here we come!

The Charger is so powerful,

I can't get it in a straight
bloody line!

OK, so it turns out,

while the Charger does have
all the crime-fighting grunt

you'll ever need...

This don't look good.

..on anything other than
a bone-dry tarmac road,

it is a massive handful.

Ho-ho! Too much goddamn
power for this car!

He can't get close to us.

On the plus side, that does at least
mean all you Dirty Cobra fans

will be treated to some very
lengthy car chases.

Ah, come on.

Keep it going, keep it going.

But when it comes to ending them...

I thought this was meant
to be stressful,

trying to get away from the police.

..you do have to get a bit creative.

Dirty Cobra's going
to go right down here.

Playing by me own rules now.
Come on, the Cobra!

Whoa, oh, he's in range.
Where is he?

Oh, yeah! No, no, no, no!

There he is. There he is!

THEY LAUGH

So, with Fred making off
with the loot,

after a chase that took a full
11 minutes and 36 seconds,

let's just say the Dirty Cobra
would be turning in his badge.

I was the passenger! He was driving.
I was the passenger!

You're going to prison, son.

I hope you've got insurance
for that.

And, with the Preston Ranger
still the cop to beat,

finally it was time for
a certain failed racing driver

to slip on the gloves.

HORN TOOTS
Come on! Got it!

Come on, Dave, now's your chance.

I'm after them.

I've heard Dave Small's in town.

Good God, this thing is
fast round here.

Ohh! It's a bit shaky on t'brakes.

Where'd you get
this getaway car from?

This is so grippy and so fast.

This is why I chose the hot hatch!

Oh! Oh, God!

Whoa, sideways!

I'm not going to prison, Fred.
I'm not going to prison!

It frightens me.
Imagine me and you in prison!

Oh! They'd have a field day!

Oh, we're on him. We're on him.

He's behind us. Gun it!

He'll start taking some risks now.

Crims have to take risks at
some point, don't they?

I've seen a wall! There's a wall!

Right, right, right!

He's all over the place.

No. These are chicanes, Fred!

I have to take it. I'm not bothered.
I'm not bothered!

He's got us!
He's got us, Fred! Fred!

HE LAUGHS

Oh! Oh, my God.

Oh, here he is.

Officer Dave Tall!
You're nicked, both of you!

Yeah, I'm in a lot of trouble.

I bet that was a wild ride,
wasn't it?

Gotta be honest -
prison seems a better option.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hey!

OK.

So, I know the question
everyone's asking.

What the hell was that?

No, no, they want to know who won.

Did Dave Tall apprehend
the perps faster

than the Preston Ranger?

And I have the results here.

OK. So, the Preston Ranger in
the Raptor caught the bad guys

in four minutes, 50 seconds.

All right, innit?
Good work, Preston Ranger.

Thank you. Dave Tall...
HE WHISTLES

..in the family hatchback
caught the bad guys

in three minutes, five seconds!

Victory to the Tall!
CHEERING

Nah, nah, nah. Yes! No.

Yes!

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm not having that. Not having it.

You can't not have that.
It's maths.

We're saying, then,
the ultimate TV cop car isn't

the massive, noisy muscle car,

isn't the massive,
noisy pick-up truck,

but a small German hatchback?

Great things come in small packages.
Really? Really?

I think what we're saying
is the best cop cars

are the worst telly cop cars.

And the worst cop cars are
the best telly cop cars.

Glad we cleared that up. Thank you.

And now, we must move on
to a tribute.

Last year, Britain lost
one of its greatest inventors,

Sir Clive Sinclair, the genius
brain behind the ZX Spectrum.

Ask your parents, kids.

He's the man who brought
home computing and video games

to the masses.

And also, the brain behind this -
the Sinclair C5 of 1985,

which, it's fair to say,

history hasn't judged too kindly.

But we've been thinking -
maybe this battery-powered pod

wasn't actually a bad idea.

Maybe it was just too far
ahead of its time.

Exactly. Maybe in
this modern electric world,

the C5 makes perfect sense.

So, we sent Chris and Fred
to test the theory.

The Sinclair C5 was, on paper,

a genuinely revolutionary
piece of design.

A small, light, affordable,
zero-emission vehicle

intended for urban commuting.

OK, it might have looked
a little unusual.

But fundamentally, Sir Clive's
vision was for the same

green and responsible future
that we're all clamouring for today.

Oh, bus, bus, bus, Chris. Bus!

That's not nice.

Oh, oh!
BOTH LAUGH

'Ey up, we're holding traffic up.
Move up. I'm going flat out.

Get off, get off! Get over there.

How much power have these got?

About one third of a horsepower.

What, a hoof and a bit? Yeah.

15mph if you're lucky.

HORN TOOTS
I don't like it.

The problem was,
back in the mid-'80s,

the technology simply didn't exist
to do the C5 justice.

Built in the old
Hoover factory in Wales,

its motor was lifted from the
cooling fan of a lorry,

and its all-electric range
was about eight miles.

So, it was hopelessly slow
when it worked...

Run out of battery.

..and then, dangerously slow
when it didn't.

BICYCLE BELL DINGS
Oh.

CHRIS LAUGHS

Clearly, the time has come
to turn Sir Clive's vision...

Mine's died now.

..into the lean, mean, green
machine he'd always dreamt of.

I've got an idea, Chris.
I've got an idea.

And to show Harris just what
that dream looks like,

I told him to meet me
a few weeks later...

..in Norway.

Wow. OK.

Hi, Andrew. Chris.

Are you ready to have
your mind blown?

I...what are you playing at?

I'm excited to show you this.
Look at this.

Are you ready?

Look at this.

HE LAUGHS

Oh, yes. Harnessing
the green potential of gravity,

and embracing speed,

this is the Sinclair Ski-5.

The Ski-5? Yeah.
Yeah, but what is it?

I know what you're thinking.
Stop it.

You're thinking I've just got
a bobsled, and I've put the shell

of a Sinclair C5 on top. Yes.

Oh, no, Christopher.
We've done this properly.

Obviously got rid of the wheels,
put some running rails

on the bottom, changed the steering.

Remember that bar where you turned?

I've gone for the pulleys,
bobsled-style.

Wouldn't it be easier just to run
headlong at a brick wall?

No, Chris.
Cos you wouldn't have to travel.

You'd just get the job done cleaner.

You know what I'm going to
try and do? What?

It's what Sir Clive would've
wanted when he designed it.

What? I want to break the
national speed limit of 60mph.

Why would you want to do that?

In honour of Sir Clive.

To help me with my mission,

I'd be running on Norway's
national bobsleigh track

in Lillehammer, with the help
a team of sledding experts,

led by Olympic coach
Graham Richardson.

What's the chance of it making it
to the bottom in one piece?

Ah, here he is. Here he is.

There's no guarantees.

Erm, there's very, very precise
lines that you have to drive to

not crash off the end of the corner.

Cos I've seen it on t'telly.
I saw the Olympics.

Those two lads ended up on the reds.

That word you used there beginning
with C - that's important

in the context of Fred.

Chris, adults speaking.

And the chances of getting to 60?

Erm...

I don't know. I'm not sure
about the aero on it.

It's open sides, a little bit slow,

but it very much depends
how Fred drives it.

Ah.

Before letting me loose
in the Ski-5,

Graham needed me to learn
the course, which,

on a 16-corner track
that's nearly a mile long,

wasn't exactly straightforward.

So, as you go into the corner,
it'll come up.

You look for the straight.
You turn it off, and over.

It's just like driving a car.

I thought I was turning up
to sit down and go quick.

This on the left, incidentally,
is the junior start,

where we're going to be
starting from with you today.

So, when you get to the second
pressure, the sled is high,

and with the nose in a good position
to actually steer through that

and come off the corner.

Graham was talking me
through it, but...

..he's talking a different
language to what I knew.

He was talking about pressures and
getting onto corners too early,

and pointing out little things

you can look at when
you're in a corner.

The problem with that is,
there's 16 of them.

And they come up pretty fast.

Especially as, all too soon,

I was given my very own training
sleigh to take for a run.

And we're going...
Oh, we're building up speed already!

When you come out into
the 4-5 transition,

it's a nice, long straight.

And what you should do here
is just practise.

Just go...when I pull left,
the sled goes left.

When I pull right,
the sled goes right.

Is it fast at the minute,
or is it...? Yeah. Yeah?

Oh, yeah, this'll be cooking.

Ohhh!

"Don't forget to steer."

Today's coaching tip. Yeah, steer.

Top runners are going to be
about here.

And, as you let it run,
it stays parallel.

When everything else is descending,

we're staying parallel and
joining the high line.

Remember, a nice, strong steer
on the beginning of 13.

All right, we'll do another.

Had a couple of bumps, like...
but didn't land on me head, did I?

TANNOY: We have a crash.
We have a crash.

It didn't go particularly well,
Chris. You do surprise me!

Here we go, look at this.
So, here we go.

Oh! See?
What the hell are you doing?

I'm sideways.

So, I came in... Yeah.

And then, as I was going,
I went over.

And me helmet was scraping
on the wall, and then,

pushed meself back up and got
back on me...on me things.

So, you righted yourself using
your own head? Kind of, yeah.

Truth is, the high sides of the
training sleigh are designed to keep

the driver properly protected -

protection I'd now have
to leave behind,

lining up to give the Ski-5
its maiden voyage.

OK, so, remember - into the corners.

Yeah. Turn to parallel.

Let it run nice and free.
Look for the exit.

Remember to look as long as you can.
Steer it down the straight.

OK. Lovely stuff.
ON RADIO: Andrew, can you hear me?

ON RADIO: Loud and clear, Chris.

Just be careful, all right,
because this looks terrifying.

That's great words from you,
Chris.

That's a real good gee-up
for me, that. Thank you.

Be mindful of the fact there's
a lot of trip hazards down here,

so I'm taking one for
the team, as well.

Chris, I'll see you in about
a minute's time. Cheers, mate.

Thanks, Graham.

In his head, he looks like
he's created the ultimate homage

to the C5 - but from here, he looks
like a really large toddler

being pushed in a pram.

TANNOY: Clear the track for a C5...

There you go, it's official now.

TANNOY: The track is clear.

There's no backing down now,
Fred. Here we go.

Here we go,
the Sinclair C5 is going.

He's through the beam -
and he's away.

And we're off!

Come on, Andrew! Coming round.

Down the first, it's a bit...
It's twitching at the back.

Oh, my - he had a massive
wobble there!

Coming round.
Look at where you're going.

And we're off.
Oh, it's a twitcher.

Now he's against the wall
twice there.

Going down the straight now.
Here we go, into 12.

Now he's picking up speed.
Now he's really travelling.

Here we go. And into 13.

Just saw him over there.

Oh, 15!

Coming round.

Steering up into 16,
and we're nearly finished!

And we're down.

Never in doubt, Andrew.
It's, erm...

It's a little bit twitchy.
How does she handle?

Through the corners, was all right.

Straight, it's all over the place.

Is it lacking stability?
A little bit.

How fast do you reckon you went?

I didn't feel I was flying
that time. I reckon...50, max.

OK, can we get a speed?

54.6.

54.6mph.

54? Yeah. Point six.

That's all right, that is.
So, how can we get more speed?

That was only the junior. What?

Send me from the top.
That wasn't the top?

No, that was only t'junior one.

I've got four more corners to go
through. Get to the top,

I reckon 60mph - all day long.

You're confident, are you? Yeah.

Plus, Graham had
a few ideas of his own.

So, what we've done is we've
moved up to the top of the track,

so we've got an extra 200 metres of
track, and maybe 30 metres of drop.

That should do it, shouldn't it?

That'll give us a bit more speed,
but I don't think it'll be enough.

What? We need a bit more weight.

Fred's not heavy enough.

We need to put 50 kilos in.

50 kilos? 50 kilos will get some
more speed out of it, so look sharp.

So, as well as being promoted
from the children's start line,

to increase the amount of energy,
and therefore speed, that Fred

would be carrying down the run,

we'd also now added
a healthy lump of ballast.

Sitting at the top,
it's a different course.

That first drop - wow.

I can just see probably
20 yards of track,

and then, a roof.
I don't even see the track.

Pushing him down now.

Oh, here we go. Look at this.

And he's away.

Bloomin' heck, it just disappears.
And we're off.

I'm on me own here.

And we're going.

We're building up speed already!

He looks exposed. His head's above.

It's like watching an old
Formula 1 car, you know,

when the canopy's so low and
their torso's above.

Here we go, it's...
it's all over the place, this.

Whacked a wall there.

Here we go, coming round.

Keep it straight.

Flashed through there.
God, that looked fast.

Up we go. Five. Into six.

Neat and tidy, Andrew,
neat and tidy.

Watch for the exit.
Watch for the exit to seven.

Bit sideways.

Oh, no, massive,
massive wobble there!

Whoa! Whoa, it's a bumpy ride!

That's a code brown.

No, he's got it back together,
he's got it back.

This is the one now, 12 into 13.

Looking for the exit now.

And we're coming round 11.

He's really flying!

This is a big straight into 14.

Get it set on the wall down. 15!

This is where I come off.

Come on, Clive! You'd better be
enjoying this if you're watching!

Let's see what the speed is!

Wow!

Whoo! Oh!

That looked like a wild ride.

That was a little bit different
to the first one! Jeez!

I was steering, but it was just...

How many times did you hit a wall?
I hit a few walls!

But then, you've just got to try
and drive it, and get it back in.

OK. Do you want to know the speed?

Go on.

50... Oh!

..nine... No, you're winding me up.

..point two. Shut up.

59.2! Right, how do we get
another 0.8mph? Come on.

There is one way. How?

We go from the top... Yeah.

..we've got the weight in... Yeah.

..we stick some spikes
on your feet, and you push me.

Let's go full Olympic.

Get on the back, push me down.
Let's go for it.

Are you sure? Not really.
CHRIS LAUGHS

But it's what Clive would've wanted.

Two...three...

Six... Are you going into
a trance-like state?

Just visualising the course.

Really? There's a couple of corners
I'm a bit messy out of.

If I'm going faster,
I really don't want to be.

Yeah, the video confirms that.
When you say a couple...

All right, Chris, that'll do.
You are spoiling me flow now.

Sorry. Do the counting thing again.
That was impressive.

Thank you. Cos you got to 15.

HE LAUGHS
Right.

OK? Come on. Yeah, come on, Chris.
Let's get going.

You and me. We're in.

For Sir Clive. We're doing this
for Sir Clive. 60mph.

Push me straight.
Don't be messing about.

I'm not messing about.
Three, two, one.

Let's get out of here, Chris.

Oh, you're faster than I thought.

Give us a push, Chris.
Nicely done. Thank you, Chris!

That's a bit different.
He's started me off a bit quicker.

HE LAUGHS

Gathering it as we go.

Turn one, to the left.

Please, a double pressure.
For Sir Clive!

Get off it. Yes, nice.

Here we go. Into five.

Little right...left-hander.

Into six. It's a swoop right.

We're going round for Clive!

Come on, Fred.

We go down the labyrinth.

I'm going sideways, I'm banging
around, but it doesn't matter,

cos this is for Clive!

Come on, Freddie!

Come on, Andrew.

For Sinclairs everywhere!

Spectrum 48Ks! Sinclair C5s!

Get off. Coming round,
here he comes!

In the Olympics
for Great Britain in a C5!

Please be over 60mph!

I'm coming round to the end!
What have we got?

What is it?

Brake, brake, brake,
brake, brake, brake!

Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop!

Whoa!

What's the speed?

Right, we need a speed.

Thank you. Where is he?

Oh, look at this, look at this.
Look at the state of this.

Taken me a bit longer, Andrew!

Really? Well, what was it? Right.

Oh, no. How was it?

I'm...I'm hoping, Chris,

cos half of me would love
to do it again...

..but half of me never wants to go
near these things again in me life.

OK. So, I want to be above 60.
For Sir Clive. What have we got?

Here we go. Track control.

Can we have Andrew's maximum
speed on that run, please?

RADIO: 61...
THEY YELL

CHEERING

61! Get in there, Sir Clive!

HE LAUGHS
Hey, thank you. Come on!

Come on! That's amazing.

61. Get in! Thank you, Sir Clive.

Well done. Brilliant.
61. Great effort.

APPLAUSE
61. Done it.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, look at him,
he's like, tch-tch-tch!

I've got to say, Fred,
respect to you.

Taking on the bobsleigh run in
this bit of plastic that was built

in a Hoover factory in Wales.

What can I say? I give me all
to this show. Take note, boys!

Was it as bad as it looked?

It give me a little bit of
a workout, I'm not going to lie!

But it also got me thinking.

What is it, Winter Olympics,
four years' time?

Us three on the podium?

God Save The Queen? Hey?

Cool Runnings - not!

So, Fred, you've bungee-jumped
a Rover Metro off a dam. Yeah.

You've driven a Sinclair C5
down a bobsleigh.

What's next? Nissan Sunny
into an active volcano?

Jammed in the boot of an Austin
and fired into space.

Oh, that'll be good.

I was thinking a cup of tea
and a re-evaluate.

Maybe Strictly. Oh!

No, no, no, no. Oh!
CHEERING

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Yes! Hey!

HE HUMS STRICTLY THEME
Stop it. Stop it!

On second thoughts,
get me a Nissan Sunny

and point me in the direction of
the nearest volcano.

No chance this lad's doing
the cha-cha-cha!

That's all for tonight.

We'll be back next week,

when Chris Harris drives
a car from Norfolk,

and the three of us hitch up
the big rigs and join

the noble army of HGV drivers.

See you, then. Thanks so much
for watching. Goodnight!

CHEERING