All language subtitles for The.Expanding.Universe.of.Ashley.Garcia.S01E15.eng.CC

[in Spanish] ¡Feliz Navidad!

Gingerbread, carols,

lights?

It's the most wonderful time of the year!

-[girls and Stick] Merry Christmas.
-[flatly] Ho ho ho.

Okay, grinches.

You didn't wanna decorate the tree,
you didn't wanna sing carols,

and I had to make the tamales
all by myself.

Hey, we said we'd help you eat 'em.

What could you possibly be doing
that's more important

than Christmas?

"Application
for the Astronaut Training Program."

Well, la-di-da.

Look, I see your application is due
at the end of the year,

but it's Christmas Eve.

Ash, it's important to share in a moment

with friends and family
when you have the time.

We're sharing the Wi-Fi.

Don't worry, Coach. I'll help you

as soon as I finish editing
my latest short film.

You know how some people put GoPros
on their dogs or cats?

I put one on my mom.

She goes down some weird roads.

And I'm making my football highlight reel.

Did you guys know
I'm really good at football?

And I gotta finish
my Christmas Insta Story:

"How to Apply a Foundation
That Will Resist Lipstick Transfer

When Getting Kissed by Your Grandma."

Oh, come on, guys.

None of that is more important...

than this!

Christmas Togetherness Funtime
Gingerbread House!

I'm... not intrigued.

Oh, no! This application says

I need a reference from my supervisor,
and Dr. Ling is still annoyed at me

for accidentally eating
her prescription yogurt out of the fridge.

I better call her and apologize.

You call her on Christmas Eve,
you're gonna have to apologize.

No, no, this is the best time to call her.

She loves Christmas.

It's her...

well, Christmas.
She'll be in a very forgiving mood.

But...
we have to build this gingerbread house.

We're not always gonna be
all together like this.

Tío, it's fine. Nobody's going anywhere.

There's plenty of time.
This says it's good until... 2028.

Ugh! What is in this?

Happiness and memories...

and a lot of preservatives.

Dr. Ling, I needed to discuss a matter--

No, too formal.

Ling! Lingster! [chuckles]

Yeah, that's it.

I needed to talk to you
about a possible recommendation letter.

But first, about your yogurt.

Condensation can lead to names
on food being blurred,

so I didn't technically see your name
on it.

I made a mistake,

or in modern parlance,

"I done goofed."

Thank you so much for understanding.
Happy holidays.

I'm so ready. [exhales]

Let's do this for reals.

-[sighs] Okay.
-[dialing]

-[line ringing]
-[on voice mail] It's Dr. Ling.

I'm not here,
and if this is another robocall,

just know that I'm developing

a robot to destroy you.

-[bangs loudly]
-[voice mail beeps]

[chimes play]

[automated voice] Welcome home, Victor.

How was the 2027 solo concert tour?

Amazing. [sighs]

Sellouts every night.

They love me everywhere. [exhales]

Except for that one guy in Boston
who threw a flashlight at me.

Thanks for asking, Houseminder.

[Houseminder] Part of my programming.
I don't really care.

Now that you're home,
here's your to-do list for today,

December 23, 2027.

Item number one of 18,612:

Change smoke alarm battery.

[scoffs] Maybe you could've done that
the year I was gone.

I'm exhausted. [sighs]

I'm looking forward to a quiet Christmas
at home,

all by myself.

[Houseminder]
You could have just said, "Mute."

I don't actually care.

-[door opens]
-[Ashley] Tío Victor! It's me! I'm home!

-Ashley?
-[door closes]

[Houseminder] Your niece gets home today
from her six-year mission to Mars.

-I would have told you--
-Mute!

Ashley?

-Tío! [giggling]
-[Victor] Aw!

Oh!

So, how was Mars?

It was nice.

Who knew the entire planet smelled
like hot dogs? [sighs]

-But there's really no place like home.
-So, you're staying through Christmas?

Absolutely. [chuckles]

[sighs happily]

I was hoping to have Stick,
Brooke, and Tad over to celebrate.

[sighs] I miss my friends so much.

I wasn't able to talk to anyone back home
while I was on the mission.

Once you get past the Apollo asteroids,
the roaming charges are outrageous.

How is everybody?

Well, Tad's starting quarterback

for one of the newest NFL teams,
the Walmart Greeters.

Stick won an Oscar
with his last documentary.

And Brooke is now the leading style guru
on the planet,

after Kylie Jenner became a nun.

Oh, I knew my friends would go on
to do great things.

Have you seen any of them?

No. They don't come into Pat's anymore.

Last time I saw Tad,
he said they'd all lost touch.

Well, I'm gonna get everyone
back together.

I don't know, Ash.

It may not be that easy.

It'll be fine. We're all best friends,
and it's Christmas.

[Houseminder]
Victor, aren't you going to introduce me?

I said, "Mute," Houseminder.

I'd get rid of her,

but she's the only one that knows
how to work the AC.

Tío, I can show you.

[Houseminder]
Humans--they're always taking our jobs.

[theme music playing]

[exhales] I dug up
some more Christmas things

I haven't taken out in years.

I forgot how much fun Christmas could be.

-It's not the same when you're alone.
-It's not the same on Mars, either.

Although, last year,

we invited the Martians
into the station to celebrate.

They're usually very quiet,

but once those little guys got
into the eggnog... [chuckles]

Whoa!

Seriously, there's life on Mars?

[chuckling] There sure was that night.

Whoo!

What would you say
to some Christmas tamales?

I'd say, "Hello, tamales.
Get in my tum-tum."

I'll get some started.

I'll be right in.

[Brooke gasps] Ashley!

Brooke?

[Brooke] Oh, right.

[both scream, giggle]

[Brooke] I can't believe
you're really here.

I missed you so much.

What is that visor thing?

Oh! It's my newest product
to protect against the sun's rays.

-That's amazing.
-[Brooke] Mm-hmm.

What's the science behind it?

The science is
I sold four million of those last year.

How have you been?

-So good. So busy.
-[giggles]

I'm so glad you made time for me.

Oh! You're my bestie.

Of course I made time for you.

But I do have to make
my Christmas Eve Insta Story

while I'm here.

-You're okay with that, right?
-Of course.

If I don't post,
the president won't know what to do

with her eye shadow.

You're so famous!

I know!

[both giggle]

Those six years when I was up in space

were the longest time we were ever apart.

[sighs] Even longer
than when you went away to college.

You know, I never told you this,

but when you left, I was kind of afraid
you would never come back.

Oh, Brooke, don't cry.

You'll ruin your makeup.

Don't worry,

I've trained myself to cry without tears.
[chuckles]

[crying] Oh, no.

I guess it doesn't work with happy tears.

Oh!

[sighs] I'm so happy to have you back.

Now we can do this all the time.

Tonight's just gonna be
like the old times:

you, me, Stick, and Tad.

Wait, Stick and Tad a-are coming here?

At the same time?

[door opens]

-Ashley!
-Stick!

-Brooke!
-Stick!

Ashley!

-[Ashley] Tad!
-Brooke!

-Tad.
-Stick!

Tad!

Is the person whose name is the same
as a piece of wood going to be staying?

Because if so, I'm outta here.

Tell the person who just spoke

that I cracked the code,
and I know he's talkin' about me.

And I'm outta here first.

Whoa. Tad, Stick,
you guys were inseparable.

Why are you fighting?

-I'm not talkin' about it.
-I'm not talking about it more.

Well, it is Christmas, and you're staying,
so that's that.

Well, I really shouldn't.

I'm editing my latest documentary.

My art is calling me.

And I am negotiating
several big product-endorsement deals

as I am a very famous football player
here in the future.

My money is calling me.

But it's Christmas,
and we're best friends. Right, Brooke?

Oh. I'll be under here
until this blows over.

We can have some Christmas fun.

How about we build this...

[grunts] ...giant gingerbread house?

Doesn't that sound great?

We almost did this a long time ago,
remember?

Christmas Togetherness Funtime?

It says so right here. Right above...

"May contain rat feces."

Well, who am I to argue with the box?
I'll stay.

You can go, Stick.

Who says I'm going? Ashley invited me too.

-I'm staying.
-Now, I think we should start

with the walls.

Tad, Stick, can you find
the pieces like this?

Oh, no. I'm not working with him.

-But you guys said you were staying.
-Well, not anymore.

I'm afraid I'll have to leave.

-I'm afraid I'll have to leave first.
-Whoa! Wait, wait!

Tad, you can work on the roof
in the kitchen,

and Stick,
you can build the walls in here.

Fine.

Finer.

[gasps] Ooh, nice save.

No, this is awful.

All I thought about in space

was how badly I wanted to come back
and see all my friends.

And nachos.

And now I come back,
and none of you are friends.

-We have to fix this.
-[sighs]

Can you hang on just a second?
The pope just DM'd me.

She got some really bad bangs.

[sighs] She needs me...
and probably a headband.

You got the whole gang back together.
Ash, you're amazing.

Only, they're not together.
Stick and Tad had some fight,

and they won't tell me what happened
or be in the same room.

I'll handle this. Guys!

I'm gonna ask you one question,

and if you still feel like fighting
after you answer it,

I won't bother you anymore.

Blurt out the first thing
that comes to mind when I ask.

What is the true meaning of Christmas?

-Toys!
-I'm Jewish.

Fine. I will tell you
what the true meaning of Christmas is.

I said toys.

Christmas is not about fighting.

Everything you need to know
about Christmas

is in the movie Home Alone.

Home Alone?

That movie is just about fighting.

That sick kid

took a blowtorch
to that poor burglar's head.

A blowtorch?

For a property crime? Come on.

I'm talking about the scary neighbor.

Kevin helps him reunite with his family

because...

he knows Christmas is about being
with the people you love.

And nothing could keep me
from being here today.

-Aw, tío, that was so--
-[ringtone playing]

Hold on. It's my manager.

-[cell phone clicks]
-What's up, Showman?

[Showman] Yo, yo, yo, Garcia, baby.

Pitbull just pulled out of
his Christmas show in Vegas.

Last minute,
he decides he wants to be with his family.

Can you fill in for him?
Playing a venue this size

could take your career
to the next level, Vickie.

You could be Mr. Worldwide.

You want me to fill in for Pitbull
on Christmas?

-[scoffs]
-Uh, yeah. I'm not doing anything.

-Tío Victor--
-Ash, I'm talking to my manager.

This is the best Christmas ever.
I love you, Showman. Gotta pack.

But what about tamales?

Oh, right.
I left the stuff on the counter.

Houseminder, Google a tamale recipe
for Ashley. [snaps]

[Houseminder] He never says please.

I give, and I give...

[Victor] Mute!

Listen, if Young Weasel made it
through 2024,

you can make it through this.

I love you too, Oprah.

Aw... [laughs]

...you're one of my favorite things.

Okay. Ciao.

-[cell phone clicks]
-Tío Victor's bailing.

Stick and Tad can't even be
in the same room together.

This is not the Christmas
I was hoping to have!

I think I have a plan on how to get Stick
and Tad back together,

but I'm gonna need your help.

Well, I do have
200 million followers anxiously waiting

for my post tonight,

but... I only have one best friend.

And don't tell Lizzo, but it's you.

Aw. Okay, here's what I was thinkin'.

[gasps] Oh, my God.

Are we capering?

[chuckles] I have so missed this.

[laughs]

[whispering inaudibly]

[chuckling]
Of course I wanna take your money.

I mean, endorse your product.

Now, tell me, what does it do again?

Right, right.

Bottled water.

Great, then we have a deal.

-[cell phone clicks]
-Wow.

Tad,
the roof is really starting to look great.

That's because I drink
Mountain Spring bottled water,

the only bottled water
that comes in a bag.

Sorry, just practicing
for the endorsement deal I just made.

Hello, underwater condo in Miami.

Stick, if they gave Oscars
for gingerbread houses,

you'd totally get one.

I veered from the instructions.

I'm kind of like the bad boy of Christmas.

Ooh, an artist and a rebel.

Stick is really looking forward to putting
the roof and the walls together

so that he can get to the real fun part:

adding the Christmas flair to the house.

That is the most fun.

Everybody knows that.

Tad's just not an artist.

He could ruin your whole creation

once he starts decorating
with his big ham hands.

Not on my watch.

[both] We are decorating
this house together!

-It worked.
-Mission accomplished.

I'll work on it for ten seconds,

then you'll work on it for ten seconds,
and we'll alternate until it's done.

Mission not so accomplished.

That's not really working together.

I'm here to make sure
he doesn't destroy my vision.

And I'm here for some of that sweet,
sweet fun.

How do we get them to remember
what good friends they were?

Sorry, Ash, I'd love to help,
but I can't keep ignoring my followers.

They need me.

Streaky foundation,

shiny forehead, chapped lips...

So much suffering!

Nine... ten... switch.

My turn! Put down the gumdrop!

I've been thinking.
Pitbull said he quit his show

because he wanted to be home with family
on Christmas.

That man had the right idea.

Oh, tío, I'm so glad to hear you say that.
So, you're staying home?

Oh, no, I'm still goin'.

But I'm writing a song
about wanting to be home for Christmas.

People eat that crap up.

But, tío, weren't you the one

who always wanted everyone together
for the holidays?

Yeah, but that was
before I was the new Pitbull, baby!

I'm Mr. Worldwide now!

And I still got time to squeeze out
a hit song for the holidays.

I got the verses,
but I can't find the right chorus.

Tío, I don't--

-[playing upbeat tune]
-♪ Well, it may not snow ♪

♪ There's no sleigh bells or mistletoe ♪

You just said the most important thing
is spending Christmas together--

Oh, my God! How could I not see that?

Spending Christmas together.

That's the chorus.

♪ Spend this Christmas together ♪

All I want is for my friends
to be together! I need that!

-♪ All I want! ♪
-[strumming dramatically]

♪ All I need! ♪

Whoo!

You cracked this wide open, Ash.
Thank you.

I got the whole song now.

That's great, tío.

But listen, before you go to the airport,

could you help me get Tad and Stick
to make up?

Gimme! That's my candy cane!

Drop it, Ham Hands.

[crunches loudly]

Absolutely.

As soon as I finish picking out my outfits
for the show.

Houseminder,

fire up my 3D clothing printer.

I'm thinkin' leopard-print tuxedo.

You're right. Too subtle.

I'll be down here making
the Christmas tamales...

by myself... [sighs]

...in my jolly hat.

[door opens, closes]

Ashley seems pretty upset.

Do you think it's 'cause we're fighting?

It's not helping.

But nothing we can do about that.

There's one thing we could do.

We can pretend to make up.

I don't have to pretend.

I'm over that stupid fight.

Get in here, buddy.

-You mean it?
-No. [laughs]

I'm an amazing actor.

But that wasn't always the case.

Mountain Spring bottled water

brought out the best in me,
and it can do the same for you.

Convincing.

I think we can pull this off.

Fake friends?

[chuckles] I can't stand you.

What's going on?

We're synchronized swimming.

-Well, Candy Stick and Candy Tad are.
-[chuckles]

-Whoa.
-[Tad laughs]

And that one there, that's Candy Ashley
on the lounge chair going,

[in high-pitched voice]
"Don't splash me. I'm a scientist."

And Candy Brooke just dropped
her new iPhone 32 in the pool.

-"Ermahgerd!"
-[snickers]

You guys are getting along.

Sure, having us work together,

we couldn't stay mad.

Thanks, Ashley.

Pshaw, It was all you guys.

And I'm working
on some very important science stuff

on my iPad down there,
so no splashin', boys.

[all laugh]

That's a good one.

-All right.
-Okay. Buh-bye.

Stick and Tad are getting along.
[chuckles]

And Rihanna finally found love.

-Ash, we're both miracle workers!
-[chuckles]

I know!

Ah, this is such a relief.

Now I know my friends
are getting along back on Earth,

I can go on my next mission
without worrying about them.

Wait, next mission?

I'm going to Pluto! [chuckles]

Pluto?

I mean, great. W-When?

In three weeks.

Exciting.

Uh... how long is this trip gonna be?

Well, it takes seven years.

The mission is seven years?

No, it takes seven years to get there,

but they freeze you,
so it feels like a half hour.

Well, I'm gonna go back in there and revel
in Stick and Tad's renewed friendship.

[sighs]

[breathing shakily]

RiRi? She's going back to space.

Yes, you're happy. I get it.

But now it's time to talk about me.
[whines]

You know what?

You did a great job with the walls.

You did a great job with the roof.

Wait, are we not mad at each other
anymore?

No. I can totally stand you!

Get in here, for real!

Stickilish!

-[laughs]
-[Ashley] Aw!

Well, look at you two having fun,
like you used to.

You don't even remember
what you were fighting about, do you?

Oh, I remember.

It's Tad who seems to forget things.

Like my birthday
when you joined the NFL and became famous.

-Do you really wanna go there?
-Ding-dong, we're already there.

For your information,

I always forgot your birthday,

but Coach or Ash
or the blonde girl would remind me.

Oh, good to know
you've always been a terrible friend.

I've always been a terrible friend?

You never called me on my birthday
or the other 367 days of the year!

I was busy!

So was I!

Guys, you aren't mad
at each other anymore.

Uh, look at what you've done
with this house. Ooh!

Kit-Kat gutters? Oh, fan-cy!

This is you,
with your big marshmallow head.

[gasps] You ate me!

These are your legs!

Exact replicas!

I have four legs?

Not anymore!

[chewing loudly] Mm!

This is your Heisman Trophy! [inhales]

[with full mouth]
This is your Daytime Oscar!

[munches]

Stop! I didn't come 57 million miles
to see you guys fight!

I came from the Westside at rush hour.
We all made sacrifices.

Brooke, help. Say something.

-You're deserting me to go to Pluto?
-What?

I can't believe
you're abandoning me again.

-Wait, you're mad at me?
-[Brooke] Yes!

I thought you were back
for good this time.

I had so many plans for us.

Mostly supportive hugging,

but... I can't do this again.

You were gone for six years,
and a lot happened,

and I didn't have anyone there for me!

What about Tad and Stick?

They weren't there either!

After you left,
our group kind of fell apart.

Oh, so you're saying
I never should've achieved my dreams?

No! It's great that you went
and did your Mars thing.

We all did our things,
but we all grew apart.

There was nothing holding us together.
We didn't have any togetherness fun time.

Togetherness fun time.

Like this gingerbread house.

That's what this was supposed to be:

Christmas Togetherness Funtime.

Drop it, Tad. Drop it.

That is not gingerbread.
That is my actual key fob.

[Tad grunts]

I don't care!

-I'm eating it anyway!
-[Ashley] No!

We can have our fun time now.

Our friendships
are like this gingerbread house:

solid and sturdy,

and it'll last forever.

What? No.

Okay, that big collapse
was not part of my metaphor at all.

The rare-earth elements

-in that key fob cannot be good for you.
-[Tad grunting]

Why can't we all be friends
like the old days?

Sorry, Ash, it's too late.

-[spits] She's right!
-It's over!

It's not! It's not!

Guys, listen up.

I finished my song,

and I think its message
could be helpful right now.

-[playing "Christmas Together"]
-♪ Well, it may not snow ♪

♪ There's no sleigh bells or mistletoe ♪

♪ And underneath the tree ♪

♪ Not a present left for me ♪

♪ But old Saint Nick knows ♪

♪ This is my favorite Christmas ever ♪

-[strumming gently]
-♪ Because the only thing on my list ♪

♪ Is that we spend this Christmas ♪

-♪ Together ♪
-[strums dramatically]

♪ Christmas together ♪

-♪ Christmas toge-- ♪
-[cell phone beeping]

Yep, that's my Uber. Gotta go.

Feliz Navidad, everyone.

♪ Christmas together! ♪

But it's Christmas!

-It's Christmas!
-[chimes play]

Christmas. It's Christmas!

Wait, I'm back in my room.

All that happened in a minute?

Sheesh, Einstein!
That relativity thing was no joke.

Oh, my gosh.

It's still Christmas Eve.
It's not too late.

[groaning] All right, mild brain injury.

I should probably take a second.
[takes a deep breath]

Okay, good to go!

[panting] You guys, it is not too late.

-Too late for what?
-For Christmas Togetherness Funtime.

We need to build
this gingerbread house now!

Well, I was just gonna go start working
on my demo.

I thought everyone was too busy
for Christmas Togetherness Funtime.

Why do you guys keep saying that
like that's a thing everyone knows?

Tío, I get it now.
Doing things together keeps you together.

Traditions. I learned it
from a hallucination when I hit my head.

Don't worry about it.

If you bumped your head,
you should take a nap.

That's what I always do.

I'm fine. And don't do that.

Can we just build this gingerbread house?

But, Ash, I have to post my video.

-Yeah, can't this wait?
-No.

[ringtone playing]

It's Dr. Ling. She's calling me back.

Well, you need her recommendation

for the Astronaut Training Program.
Take it.

[ringtone stops playing]

It can wait.

Listen, we're all destined
for some really big things.

We've got big dreams,
and we're going to get busier,

and things are going to get crazier,
and it's gonna be awesome,

but we have to be careful
that when we go our own ways

that we don't grow apart.

So, let's make the time now to be together

and connect.

Nothing is more important.

Because I don't wanna be looking back
in 2027 and think...

[inhales sharply] "Man, I done goofed."

Ash... [chuckles softly]

...no one says that.

Well, I guess I already have more clips
than I can use.

I can take a break from editing my film.

I don't have to post an Insta Story
on Christmas Eve.

A little grandma lipstick
on your cheek never killed anyone.

Oh, my demo's been done for two days.
[chuckles]

I just didn't wanna be the only one
to not have a thing.

[chuckles]

I think we're going to make
something really beautiful.

See? Beautiful.

I mean, I guess in that "it's our kids,
so we have to love it" kind of way.

No, it's perfect.

Built with love,
so it will never fall down.

Tad did eat
some load-bearing peppermint sticks,

so I'm not 100 percent sure about that.

Now they're tummy-bearing. [chuckles]

You know what could be fun?
Let's do Christmas carols.

Wait, I know one.
Sing along, if you know it.

♪ Well, it may not snow ♪

♪ There's no sleigh bells or mistletoe ♪

-♪ And underneath the tree ♪
-["Christmas Together" playing]

♪ Not a present left for me ♪

♪ But old Saint Nick knows ♪

♪ This is my favorite Christmas ever ♪

♪ Because the only thing on my list ♪

♪ Is that we ♪

[together]
♪ Spend this Christmas together ♪

-♪ Christmas together ♪
-[group] ♪ All I want ♪

[Ashley and Victor]
♪ Christmas together ♪

♪ All I need ♪

-♪ Christmas together ♪
-♪ All I want ♪

-♪ Christmas together ♪
-♪ All I need ♪

[all harmonizing] ♪ Christmas together ♪

[Ashley giggles]

That was the weirdest thing.

Yeah, it was like I knew it,

but I had never heard it before.

Same.

Me too.

Ash, what's the song? Who wrote it?

Me.

-♪ Christmas together ♪
-♪ All I want ♪

-♪ Christmas together ♪
-♪ All I need ♪

[all harmonizing] ♪ Christmas together ♪

[theme music playing]