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1
00:00:41,920 --> 00:00:43,911
Litterbug!
2
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Ratbag!
3
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- Good day to you.
- Afternoon, Mr Wakeley.
4
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Hello, Mr Wakeley.
5
00:00:57,520 --> 00:01:01,229
Here... Here... He's talking to himself again.
(Chuckles)
6
00:01:03,440 --> 00:01:05,431
Poor old chap. He's probably lonely.
7
00:01:05,480 --> 00:01:07,471
- Lonely'? He's bonkers.
- Shh!
8
00:01:08,240 --> 00:01:12,199
- Come on, Tom. Let's give him a cup of tea.
- He might not want to be interrupted.
9
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- It could be an interesting conversation.
- Come on.
10
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Oh, all right, then.
11
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And when the weather is a little more clement,
we'll get you out and harden you up.
12
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You'd like that, wouldn't you?
Yes, of course you would.
13
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- Oh!
- We wondered if you'd like a cup of tea.
14
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Oh, that's very kind of you. Now, do come in.
15
00:01:53,040 --> 00:01:58,035
Oh, dear. I should have more seats in here
in case of guests, but I've never got roundto it.
16
00:01:59,520 --> 00:02:00,840
There.
17
00:02:00,880 --> 00:02:02,871
Oh, no, allow me.
18
00:02:03,400 --> 00:02:05,596
- There.
- Thank you.
19
00:02:05,640 --> 00:02:08,837
Excuse me. I'm just going to have a cup of tea.
20
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Oh! Oh, you noticed.
I hope you don't think I'm potty.
21
00:02:16,080 --> 00:02:18,071
Good Lord, no!
22
00:02:19,440 --> 00:02:22,398
It's natural, people talking to themselves,
isn't it, Barbara?
23
00:02:22,440 --> 00:02:25,831
Yes, it is. I'm always doing it. Honestly.
24
00:02:25,880 --> 00:02:28,235
Oh, but I'm not talking to myself.
25
00:02:28,280 --> 00:02:30,191
- Aren't you?
- Oh, no.
26
00:02:30,240 --> 00:02:34,029
- Well, who are you talking to, Mr Wakeley?
- One of my marrows.
27
00:02:34,680 --> 00:02:36,671
Ah. I see.
28
00:02:36,720 --> 00:02:39,155
Oh. There now, you really do think I'm potty.
29
00:02:40,360 --> 00:02:45,560
No, I don't blame you. A lot of people think
it's odd, talking to plants, but I believe in it.
30
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What do you say to them?
31
00:02:47,680 --> 00:02:52,277
Well, you heard me, really.
It's just a matter of well-mannered conversation.
32
00:02:52,320 --> 00:02:54,311
They do respond, you know.
33
00:02:54,360 --> 00:02:57,990
Well, that one certainly has.
I haven't seen a yard-long cucumber before.
34
00:02:58,040 --> 00:03:01,158
Oh, yes. He's always been very precocious.
35
00:03:01,200 --> 00:03:03,714
You're a proper little show-off, aren't you?
36
00:03:04,640 --> 00:03:08,395
Is it just one of those inexplicable things,
or is there a principle behind it?
37
00:03:08,440 --> 00:03:10,431
Oh, there's a principle, all right.
38
00:03:10,480 --> 00:03:13,996
Broadly speaking, you might call it
the brotherhood of creation.
39
00:03:14,040 --> 00:03:18,591
- Didn't they win the Eurovision Song Contest?
- Tom!
40
00:03:18,640 --> 00:03:21,598
Now, tell me,
what is common to all living things?
41
00:03:23,160 --> 00:03:26,039
Well, they're all alive.
42
00:03:26,080 --> 00:03:29,311
- Barbara, really!
- Exactly, young lady.
43
00:03:29,360 --> 00:03:32,079
- Oh.
- Yes.
44
00:03:32,120 --> 00:03:36,956
Yes, we're all alive and we find ourselves
cheek by jowl on this planet.
45
00:03:37,000 --> 00:03:41,278
Well, doesn't it seem reasonable
that we should do our best to live in harmony?
46
00:03:41,320 --> 00:03:44,438
Well, yes, but plants don't have ears.
How can they hear you?
47
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Come! Speech is only the manifestation
of the feeling that we're giving out.
48
00:03:50,200 --> 00:03:52,191
Yes, I see what you mean.
49
00:03:52,240 --> 00:03:54,231
You can call a dog all sorts of names.
50
00:03:54,280 --> 00:03:57,113
If you do it nicely, he'll roll over and go all soppy.
51
00:03:57,160 --> 00:03:59,117
Exactly.
52
00:03:59,160 --> 00:04:03,074
May I say, Mr Good, that you are blessed
with a very intelligent wife.
53
00:04:03,800 --> 00:04:05,791
Well, I understand it as well.
54
00:04:06,760 --> 00:04:09,593
I understand it.
What I'm saying is, I'm not sure I believe it.
55
00:04:09,640 --> 00:04:11,756
Well, I'm not asking you to believe it.
56
00:04:11,800 --> 00:04:15,191
I'm merely suggesting
that you don't disbelieve it.
57
00:04:15,240 --> 00:04:18,153
- Well, they are big, aren't they?
- Oh, yes.
58
00:04:18,200 --> 00:04:21,079
- Yes, and happy.
- Ah...
59
00:04:21,120 --> 00:04:23,999
(Chuckles) Yes, well, it's been very interesting.
60
00:04:24,040 --> 00:04:26,316
Thank you very much.
Now, come along, Barbara.
61
00:04:26,360 --> 00:04:29,159
It's been very interesting,
talking to you, Mr Wakeley.
62
00:04:29,200 --> 00:04:31,191
- Very interesting.
- Jolly good.
63
00:04:31,240 --> 00:04:33,231
And thank you for the tea.
64
00:04:33,280 --> 00:04:36,398
Ah... Oh-ho! It's time for the concert.
65
00:04:38,920 --> 00:04:40,638
(Music on radio)
66
00:04:41,640 --> 00:04:44,280
Ah, Delius! We love Delius.
67
00:04:44,320 --> 00:04:48,632
I'm not keen on him actually,
but the tomatoes love him.
68
00:04:51,240 --> 00:04:53,231
Goodbye.
69
00:05:02,560 --> 00:05:04,551
Well, Tom, what do you think?
70
00:05:04,600 --> 00:05:07,672
Talking to plants... It's a bit far-fetched, isn't it?
71
00:05:16,480 --> 00:05:18,471
Come on, old girl. I'm hungry.
72
00:05:21,920 --> 00:05:23,911
(Chugs)
73
00:05:29,960 --> 00:05:33,237
Yes, I suppose it is a bit far-fetched,
talking to plants.
74
00:05:33,280 --> 00:05:34,793
Quite!
75
00:05:34,840 --> 00:05:37,958
Whereas talking to engines,
that's perfectly normal.
76
00:06:06,440 --> 00:06:08,238
Oh, dear, oh, dear. I don't know.
77
00:06:08,280 --> 00:06:11,511
Kids today don't know how to play
cowboys and Indians, do they?
78
00:06:11,560 --> 00:06:14,552
- I thought they were very good.
- Very good? Rubbish!
79
00:06:14,600 --> 00:06:17,274
One of them was firing at me
with a plastic ray gun.
80
00:06:18,240 --> 00:06:22,154
- Modern Indians.
- We used to make our own bows and arrows.
81
00:06:23,840 --> 00:06:26,070
I had a smashing nurse's set.
82
00:06:26,120 --> 00:06:27,952
We didn't have girls in our gang.
83
00:06:29,600 --> 00:06:34,720
Soppy lot. Playing with girls and nurses' sets
could have been your passport to puberty.
84
00:06:37,040 --> 00:06:39,031
I was too busy catching rustlers.
85
00:06:39,080 --> 00:06:42,869
My friend Arthur Leggit used to be
The Lone Ranger and I was Tonto.
86
00:06:43,640 --> 00:06:46,678
Well, gallop over to the sink
and peel some spuds.
87
00:06:46,720 --> 00:06:48,711
Yes, kemo sabe.
88
00:06:48,760 --> 00:06:50,751
(Knock at the door)
89
00:06:53,280 --> 00:06:56,159
- Hello, Margo.
- Good evening, Barbara.
90
00:06:56,200 --> 00:06:58,191
Good evening, Tom.
91
00:06:59,040 --> 00:07:03,159
I have just come to say thank you very much.
Goodbye.
92
00:07:07,840 --> 00:07:09,831
Margo!
93
00:07:12,120 --> 00:07:14,191
- What are you thanking us for?
- For nothing.
94
00:07:14,240 --> 00:07:16,277
You don't have to thank us when we do nothing.
95
00:07:17,480 --> 00:07:20,199
Those children are perfectly happy
on the council estate.
96
00:07:20,240 --> 00:07:22,550
Do you have to encourage them
into The Avenue?
97
00:07:22,600 --> 00:07:25,797
It's to catch a glimpse of your house, Margo.
98
00:07:25,840 --> 00:07:28,229
They've got to know
what they're aiming at in life.
99
00:07:28,280 --> 00:07:30,476
Children like that do not have aims in life,
100
00:07:30,520 --> 00:07:33,353
not since the introduction
of comprehensive education.
101
00:07:34,240 --> 00:07:36,834
But it's still a free country, isn't it?
102
00:07:36,880 --> 00:07:40,032
Yes, it is. That's why I think
they should be banned from The Avenue.
103
00:07:40,080 --> 00:07:43,152
They're only little kids playing games, Margo.
104
00:07:43,200 --> 00:07:47,751
Well, their games and yours disrupted
an important meeting in my drawing room.
105
00:07:47,800 --> 00:07:49,916
- Tupperware party?
- Certainly not!
106
00:07:51,440 --> 00:07:55,798
It was an extraordinary meeting
of certain members of the Music Society.
107
00:07:55,840 --> 00:07:58,354
- I thought they'd given you the boot?
- I resigned.
108
00:07:59,640 --> 00:08:01,438
Then why the meeting?
109
00:08:01,480 --> 00:08:06,316
Well, let's just say that I've been.. persuaded
110
00:08:06,360 --> 00:08:08,556
to throw my hat into the ring again.
111
00:08:08,600 --> 00:08:10,591
Oh...
112
00:08:13,800 --> 00:08:16,314
Apparently, there is a feeling abroad
113
00:08:16,360 --> 00:08:20,479
that Miss Mountshaft is a spent force
as president of the society.
114
00:08:20,520 --> 00:08:23,797
- Is that what you're telling everybody?
- Certainly not.
115
00:08:23,840 --> 00:08:29,950
I have remained aloof. I am merely holding
myself in readiness should the call come.
116
00:08:30,000 --> 00:08:33,436
- Like General de Gaulle?
- If you like, yes.
117
00:08:34,520 --> 00:08:37,239
What does Miss Mountshaft have to say
about this?
118
00:08:37,280 --> 00:08:39,874
Well, we don't know. She's on holiday in
Greece.
119
00:08:39,920 --> 00:08:44,039
Oh, I see, so, while she's away,
there's your lot next door, plotting a revolution.
120
00:08:44,080 --> 00:08:48,233
If you must have a political analogy,
I'd sooner you thought of it as a right-wing coup.
121
00:08:48,280 --> 00:08:49,953
Of course!
122
00:08:50,000 --> 00:08:52,071
RIP, Miss Mountshaft.
123
00:08:52,120 --> 00:08:54,111
For the sake of music, one hopes so.
124
00:08:54,160 --> 00:08:58,870
In the meantime, I shall be having
several further significant meetings this week,
125
00:08:58,920 --> 00:09:00,911
so I would ask you to...
126
00:09:02,280 --> 00:09:04,271
Well, to...
127
00:09:06,440 --> 00:09:10,115
- To um...
- Stay in the cellar so we don't embarrass you'?
128
00:09:10,160 --> 00:09:14,393
The choice of words is yours, Tom,
but the general meaning is correct.
129
00:09:16,120 --> 00:09:18,919
- Very well, Margo. We'll do our best.
- Thank you, Barbara.
130
00:09:18,960 --> 00:09:23,636
I tell you what, give us a shilling each
and we'll go and play in the next street.
131
00:09:25,520 --> 00:09:28,911
I'd give you the fare to Katmandu, Tom,
if I thought you'd go.
132
00:09:33,480 --> 00:09:35,471
Ah...
133
00:09:36,840 --> 00:09:39,354
- Smashing!
- Thank you.
134
00:09:39,400 --> 00:09:44,110
I thought the way the potatoes were peeled
was crucial in the enjoyment of that meal.
135
00:09:45,720 --> 00:09:48,917
- I didn't.
- I suppose you're a moderately wonderful cook.
136
00:09:48,960 --> 00:09:53,989
Yes, I am. I'm so wonderful that you probably
want to do the washing up, don't you?
137
00:09:55,760 --> 00:09:56,750
No.
138
00:09:58,240 --> 00:09:59,310
Oh.
139
00:09:59,360 --> 00:10:02,910
No. I just want to just sit here
with my glass of Pea Pod '75,
140
00:10:07,920 --> 00:10:09,911
and just have a little think.
141
00:10:11,360 --> 00:10:14,193
You're thinking about me
and my nurse's set, aren't you?
142
00:10:14,960 --> 00:10:17,110
No. Mr Wakeley.
143
00:10:17,160 --> 00:10:19,151
(Both) In his nurse's set.
144
00:10:20,920 --> 00:10:23,514
No, seriously,
his theories about talking to plants,
145
00:10:23,560 --> 00:10:25,790
I'm not sure
you should have pooh-poohed them.
146
00:10:27,080 --> 00:10:29,071
Rotten cheek!
147
00:10:29,120 --> 00:10:31,760
...I'm the one he said was intelligent!
148
00:10:31,800 --> 00:10:35,031
I know, but you just accepted it on face value.
I thought it through.
149
00:10:35,080 --> 00:10:39,313
You have gone all round the houses
to come to the same conclusion.
150
00:10:39,360 --> 00:10:42,159
I see it like this.
Our crops are very important to us.
151
00:10:42,200 --> 00:10:44,919
Anything that could increase their yield
is worth trying.
152
00:10:44,960 --> 00:10:48,669
It doesn't matter if it sounds weird,
you should open your mind and try it.
153
00:10:50,760 --> 00:10:52,831
- Do you know what I think, Tom?
- What?
154
00:10:54,560 --> 00:10:57,074
I think I should open my mind and try it too.
155
00:11:00,040 --> 00:11:02,031
Have you still got your nurse's set?
156
00:11:07,040 --> 00:11:09,031
(Whistles cheerfully)
157
00:11:13,120 --> 00:11:15,111
BARBARA: Tom?
- In here,
158
00:11:15,960 --> 00:11:20,431
Tom, you know I was worried about putting
that runt back with the other piglets?
159
00:11:20,480 --> 00:11:22,596
- Yeah.
- I needn't have. He's a little bully.
160
00:11:22,640 --> 00:11:25,280
- He's just beaten up two of his brothers.
- Good show.
161
00:11:25,320 --> 00:11:27,596
- What are you doing?
- Oh, nothing much.
162
00:11:27,640 --> 00:11:31,520
I'm just about to roll back
the frontiers of science, that's all.
163
00:11:31,560 --> 00:11:35,155
- Yes, but what are you doing?
- Setting up our talking to plants experiment.
164
00:11:35,200 --> 00:11:38,591
Well, why can't we just chat to them
while we're working in the garden?
165
00:11:38,640 --> 00:11:40,631
No, no, no, no. It's too hit and miss.
166
00:11:40,680 --> 00:11:43,513
Sometimes we're in a good mood,
and sometimes in a rotten mood.
167
00:11:43,560 --> 00:11:45,756
They wouldn't know
if they were coming or going.
168
00:11:45,800 --> 00:11:49,509
- I'm going to measure this from scratch.
- All right, Einstein. Have it your way.
169
00:11:49,560 --> 00:11:51,551
Now, pay attention.
170
00:11:51,600 --> 00:11:53,591
Plant A.
171
00:11:55,280 --> 00:11:57,271
Plant B.
172
00:11:57,320 --> 00:11:59,311
Plant C.
173
00:12:01,000 --> 00:12:01,796
OK?
174
00:12:01,840 --> 00:12:04,400
Yes, I think I grasp it so far.
175
00:12:06,000 --> 00:12:07,991
Good, good, good.
176
00:12:08,040 --> 00:12:13,114
Now, Plant A will be exposed to 20 seconds of
affection and encouragement five times a day.
177
00:12:14,000 --> 00:12:15,434
Right?
178
00:12:15,480 --> 00:12:18,950
Plant B will simply fend for itself,
because it's the control. You see?
179
00:12:19,000 --> 00:12:20,593
- Yes, Herr Professor.
- Right.
180
00:12:20,640 --> 00:12:24,235
Now, Plant C will be exposed
for exactly the same time as Plant A,
181
00:12:24,280 --> 00:12:26,271
to derision and hate.
182
00:12:28,920 --> 00:12:33,198
- That's not fair!
- Well, we'll make it up to it after the experiment.
183
00:12:37,200 --> 00:12:39,191
- Now, do you follow?
- Yes.
184
00:12:39,960 --> 00:12:41,951
- Any questions?
- Yes.
185
00:12:43,120 --> 00:12:45,111
Where are the plants?
186
00:12:46,160 --> 00:12:48,754
- I have planted them. They're runner beans.
- Oh.
187
00:12:48,800 --> 00:12:51,872
All right, now, you are Love and I am Hate.
188
00:12:51,920 --> 00:12:54,389
- That sounds right.
- Watch it!
189
00:12:54,440 --> 00:12:58,035
Now, where... Where did I put the clipboard?
Where's my clipboard gone?
190
00:12:58,080 --> 00:12:59,559
Oh.
191
00:13:00,120 --> 00:13:01,633
(Sniggers)
192
00:13:01,680 --> 00:13:03,193
What's the matter?
193
00:13:05,160 --> 00:13:08,039
You. It's as if you were making a bionic man!
194
00:13:10,680 --> 00:13:13,718
Look, Barbara,
a scientific experiment should be...
195
00:13:13,760 --> 00:13:17,230
must be carried out
with the utmost accuracy and efficiency.
196
00:13:18,400 --> 00:13:21,597
- What's the date?
- Don't know.
197
00:13:22,480 --> 00:13:24,471
Well, we'll scrub round that.
198
00:13:25,080 --> 00:13:29,597
When I take the cover off Plant A, I want you to
give it 20 seconds of love and encouragement.
199
00:13:29,640 --> 00:13:31,916
- Are you ready?
- No!
200
00:13:31,960 --> 00:13:33,951
What's the matter now?
201
00:13:34,000 --> 00:13:35,991
Well, I mean...
202
00:13:37,800 --> 00:13:39,791
.talking to a bean!
203
00:13:40,880 --> 00:13:42,871
It's silly!
204
00:13:42,920 --> 00:13:46,800
- You didn't think so yesterday.
- I wasn't face to face with a bean then, was 1?
205
00:13:47,640 --> 00:13:51,429
For someone who claimed to understand
what old Mr Wakeley was talking about, you...
206
00:13:51,480 --> 00:13:53,949
All right, all right, I will! I will try.
207
00:13:54,840 --> 00:13:57,036
I've just got stage fright, that's all.
208
00:13:57,080 --> 00:13:59,071
- I will. I'll try.
- Fine.
209
00:14:00,080 --> 00:14:02,071
- Only don't look at me.
- All right.
210
00:14:03,520 --> 00:14:05,511
Ready, and... go.
211
00:14:07,680 --> 00:14:09,671
(Splutters)
212
00:14:10,680 --> 00:14:12,478
- All right, forget it.
- I'm sorry.
213
00:14:12,520 --> 00:14:14,158
I'm not doing it. I won't do it.
214
00:14:15,200 --> 00:14:16,918
I won't do it.
215
00:14:17,240 --> 00:14:20,119
- Forget it.
- I'm sorry! I'll try! I will!
216
00:14:20,160 --> 00:14:22,151
Really, I will.
217
00:14:25,280 --> 00:14:26,918
Are you ready?
218
00:14:26,960 --> 00:14:28,598
Otherwise, I won't do it.
219
00:14:28,640 --> 00:14:31,280
I'm ready! I'll try.
220
00:14:31,320 --> 00:14:32,913
And go.
221
00:14:33,760 --> 00:14:35,751
Hello, my darling.
222
00:14:35,800 --> 00:14:40,158
Oh, I've been so looking forward
to this moment alone with you,
223
00:14:40,200 --> 00:14:42,476
because I want to tell you that I love you.
224
00:14:42,520 --> 00:14:47,310
Do you know that? I love you so much,
and you and I are going to be so happy.
225
00:14:47,360 --> 00:14:50,239
I'm going to look after you
and I'm going to tend you
226
00:14:50,280 --> 00:14:54,558
and you and I are going to have
the most wonderful, wonderful relationship.
227
00:14:56,280 --> 00:15:00,069
- All right, all right! Don't go raving mad!
- Was that all right?
228
00:15:00,120 --> 00:15:02,555
- Yes, fine. Very good.
- Well, why are you scowling?
229
00:15:03,520 --> 00:15:05,716
Who were you thinking about?
230
00:15:07,520 --> 00:15:09,955
- You.
- Yes, well...
231
00:15:10,000 --> 00:15:12,037
You can't be jealous of a bean!
232
00:15:13,920 --> 00:15:15,911
I'll make my notes.
233
00:15:16,640 --> 00:15:20,713
Plant A exposed for 20 seconds
to over-sexed laboratory assistant.
234
00:15:22,160 --> 00:15:25,471
- All right, come on, Hate. It's your turn.
- Yes, yes...
235
00:15:25,520 --> 00:15:27,830
- Ready?
- No. Well, no. I'm not really...
236
00:15:27,880 --> 00:15:32,033
I don't really feel hateful today.
I'm in a sort of rather even sort of mood.
237
00:15:32,080 --> 00:15:36,199
Oh, by the way, did I tell you that
the Inland Revenue sent our tax returns back
238
00:15:36,240 --> 00:15:38,595
with a slip saying, "Don't be facetious"?
239
00:15:38,640 --> 00:15:41,075
The pompous swines! I'll smash their faces in!
240
00:15:41,120 --> 00:15:43,475
- Ready?
- Yes, lam!
241
00:15:43,520 --> 00:15:46,034
- Sanctuary! Sanctuary!
- What's up, Jerry?
242
00:15:46,080 --> 00:15:49,710
Margo. She's got her junta of colonels round
from the music society.
243
00:15:49,760 --> 00:15:51,751
Oh, well, never mind. Sit down.
244
00:15:51,800 --> 00:15:54,235
- You can stay for lunch if you like.
- Oh, thanks.
245
00:15:54,280 --> 00:15:56,271
I certainly shan't get any from Margo.
246
00:15:56,320 --> 00:16:00,359
She's busy making the final arrangements
for putting the skids under Miss Mountshaft.
247
00:16:00,400 --> 00:16:02,391
Would you mind keeping quiet for 20 seconds?
248
00:16:02,440 --> 00:16:04,909
- Why 20 seconds?
- We're doing something important.
249
00:16:04,960 --> 00:16:06,871
Oh, yes, of course. Sorry.
250
00:16:07,680 --> 00:16:09,671
- Ready?
- Ready.
251
00:16:11,000 --> 00:16:13,560
So! Sol
252
00:16:13,600 --> 00:16:15,671
Hah! You call yourself a bean, do you?
253
00:16:16,880 --> 00:16:19,759
I'll tell you something.
You could have certainly fooled me.
254
00:16:19,800 --> 00:16:22,713
I wouldn't bother growing if I were you!
You know why?
255
00:16:22,760 --> 00:16:27,470
The moment you pop your head above that soil,
everyone's going to fall about laughing.
256
00:16:27,520 --> 00:16:30,114
But you wouldn't make me laugh,
and I'll tell you why.
257
00:16:30,160 --> 00:16:32,356
Because I hate you,
and you know why I hate you?
258
00:16:32,400 --> 00:16:35,074
Because you're horrible, horrible, horrible!
259
00:16:38,840 --> 00:16:41,354
- All right?
- Very good.
260
00:16:41,400 --> 00:16:43,676
Yeah, well, with rest and care,
261
00:16:43,720 --> 00:16:48,715
I don't see you need be in the institution
for more than about 25 years.
262
00:16:49,640 --> 00:16:53,110
- I suppose that must have looked weird to you.
- Marginally.
263
00:16:53,160 --> 00:16:56,278
We're carrying out our experiments
in talking to plants, you see.
264
00:16:56,320 --> 00:16:58,789
- So I understand.
- It's very interesting.
265
00:16:58,840 --> 00:17:01,958
Yes, very. About as interesting
as trying to breed cardboard boxes.
266
00:17:02,960 --> 00:17:05,156
You don't believe that twaddle, do you?
267
00:17:05,200 --> 00:17:08,511
We don't believe or disbelieve as yet.
We have open minds.
268
00:17:08,560 --> 00:17:12,269
- Vacant, I should have said.
- You wouldn't say that if you'd met Mr Wakeley.
269
00:17:12,320 --> 00:17:14,914
Who's Mr Wakeley? Percy Thrower's tutor?
270
00:17:15,640 --> 00:17:19,838
No, he's not. He's a very nice old man who's not
afraid to try a bit of alternative technology.
271
00:17:19,880 --> 00:17:24,033
Technology? Talking to plants?
(Sniggers)
272
00:17:25,840 --> 00:17:30,437
Tell me something, Jerry, what's your company's
latest line in plastic gifts for cereal packets?
273
00:17:31,600 --> 00:17:34,956
Well, it's a miniature set
of the Bay City Rollers, actually.
274
00:17:36,240 --> 00:17:38,311
A miniature set of plastic Bay City Rollers?
275
00:17:38,360 --> 00:17:41,830
If that's all your technology can come up with,
I'd sooner talk to plants.
276
00:17:41,880 --> 00:17:44,474
Oh, dear.
Have I just forfeited my invitation to lunch?
277
00:17:44,520 --> 00:17:48,309
No, Jerry. There's nothing wrong
with a bit of healthy scepticism.
278
00:17:48,360 --> 00:17:51,034
If you get out of control,
I can set the celery on you.
279
00:17:52,400 --> 00:17:55,233
As a matter of fact,
another point of view might be very useful.
280
00:17:55,280 --> 00:17:58,875
I've got a lot of ideas
about this empathy with plants business.
281
00:17:58,920 --> 00:18:02,231
- Perhaps I could put them to you over lunch?
- I think I've changed my mind.
282
00:18:02,280 --> 00:18:04,999
I believe I'll have a ploughman's
at the pub after all.
283
00:18:05,040 --> 00:18:06,633
- Misery!
- Cynic!
284
00:18:06,680 --> 00:18:10,196
See you later.
Bye-bye, table. Goodbye, chair.
285
00:18:11,920 --> 00:18:13,911
Bye, curtains. Hello, garden!
286
00:18:13,960 --> 00:18:15,553
Hello, leaves!
287
00:18:26,200 --> 00:18:28,191
Tom! Tom!
288
00:18:28,880 --> 00:18:30,757
- Tom!
- What's the matter?
289
00:18:30,800 --> 00:18:34,714
- The beans! They're growing! They're growing!
- Blimey! I thought it was a burglar.
290
00:18:34,760 --> 00:18:39,357
- They're up. They're up. Oh, look, look, look.
- Oh, good. We're getting somewhere.
291
00:18:39,400 --> 00:18:41,550
Ooh! Douglas is biggest.
292
00:18:48,840 --> 00:18:51,400
- Who?
- Douglas, my bean. He's biggest!
293
00:18:52,440 --> 00:18:56,149
- Don't you mean Specimen A?
- No, I mean Douglas. Oh, he is biggest.
294
00:18:56,200 --> 00:18:59,318
- Now, quick, come on, let's measure him.
- All right, all right.
295
00:18:59,360 --> 00:19:01,351
Douglas Bean!
296
00:19:15,240 --> 00:19:17,231
- Well?
- Douglas...
297
00:19:19,520 --> 00:19:21,511
- Specimen A is the biggest.
- Oooh!
298
00:19:22,320 --> 00:19:25,597
The control comes second
and my rotten little stinker is the smallest.
299
00:19:27,280 --> 00:19:28,998
Mr Wakeley was right!
300
00:19:29,040 --> 00:19:33,079
- I ought to tell you that the difference is minimal.
- It's still a difference, isn't it?
301
00:19:33,120 --> 00:19:37,751
I know it is, but let's see the week out
before we write our paper to the Royal Society.
302
00:19:37,800 --> 00:19:40,314
You don't seem very excited.
303
00:19:40,360 --> 00:19:43,478
You shouldn't get excited in science.
It's not seemly.
304
00:19:43,520 --> 00:19:46,592
I bet Albert Einstein didn't charge
round his house shouting,
305
00:19:46,640 --> 00:19:49,519
"Oh, blimey! Listen, everybody, space is
curved!"
306
00:19:50,600 --> 00:19:54,309
Rubbish! Archimedes ran down the street,
shouting, "Eureka!"
307
00:19:54,360 --> 00:19:56,476
Only because his bathwater was too hot.
308
00:19:58,600 --> 00:20:00,716
- Where did you get that?
- From the attic.
309
00:20:00,760 --> 00:20:02,239
- Is it ours?
- Is it ours?
310
00:20:02,280 --> 00:20:04,999
It's the worldly good
I endowed you with when we got married.
311
00:20:05,040 --> 00:20:08,954
So it is. It was on its last legs then.
You'd had it since you were four.
312
00:20:09,000 --> 00:20:11,958
It's a piece of precision engineering.
This will see us out.
313
00:20:12,000 --> 00:20:13,991
L'should think it will.
314
00:20:14,040 --> 00:20:17,829
You can't use it. You know they don't make
those wax cylinders nowadays.
315
00:20:18,560 --> 00:20:22,155
- 78s, and I've got one.
- But what's it for, Tom?
316
00:20:22,200 --> 00:20:26,080
I'm going to play it to the plants in the garden,
see if they grow bigger than last year.
317
00:20:26,120 --> 00:20:29,192
- Ah...
- Yes, Mr Wakeley's other theory. It's worth a go.
318
00:20:29,240 --> 00:20:30,958
What's the record?
319
00:20:31,800 --> 00:20:35,236
Peter Dawson singing The Bandolero.
320
00:20:38,200 --> 00:20:40,271
I don't think I know that one.
321
00:20:41,960 --> 00:20:44,349
It's marvellous, absolutely marvellous.
322
00:20:47,000 --> 00:20:49,594
We always used to play this after tea on
Sunday.
323
00:20:49,640 --> 00:20:53,110
You know, after the cucumber sandwiches
and the Battenburg.
324
00:20:53,880 --> 00:20:57,111
Ah, yes... Great days, the old days.
325
00:20:59,680 --> 00:21:02,274
4 I am the bandolero
326
00:21:02,320 --> 00:21:05,153
4 The gallant bandolero
327
00:21:05,200 --> 00:21:07,840
4 I rule the mountains and I claim
328
00:21:07,880 --> 00:21:10,394
4 The contraband that comes my way
329
00:21:10,440 --> 00:21:12,431
4 I am the bandolero...
330
00:21:14,520 --> 00:21:16,511
(Silence)
331
00:21:29,160 --> 00:21:31,231
Margo will be here in a moment.
332
00:21:31,280 --> 00:21:33,271
(Silence)
333
00:21:38,280 --> 00:21:40,271
Er... anything I can get anybody?
334
00:21:40,320 --> 00:21:42,311
- No, thank you.
- No, thanks.
335
00:21:44,400 --> 00:21:46,391
Yes. Um...
336
00:21:48,840 --> 00:21:50,831
Margo will be here in a moment.
337
00:21:53,640 --> 00:21:58,032
I'm so sorry, everyone. Couldn't get
Johnny Hanson to put the telephone down.
338
00:21:59,600 --> 00:22:03,309
Oh, I see you've brought
your trusty old pipe along, Mr Chipchase.
339
00:22:03,360 --> 00:22:05,351
Do open the French windows, Jerry.
340
00:22:09,440 --> 00:22:13,320
- Well, you won't be wanting me. I'll...
- We will, Jerry.
341
00:22:13,360 --> 00:22:17,479
I've taken the liberty of preparing
a little champagne buffet for later.
342
00:22:18,240 --> 00:22:20,800
Oh, I'm so sorry, Madam Acting Chairwoman.
Do carry on.
343
00:22:20,840 --> 00:22:22,831
Thank you very much, Mrs Leadbetter.
344
00:22:22,880 --> 00:22:26,475
I call this extraordinary meeting
of the Music Society to order.
345
00:22:29,040 --> 00:22:34,911
As you know, we are here to elect a president
to our society for the forthcoming year.
346
00:22:34,960 --> 00:22:40,672
As you also know,
there are two candidates for this high office,
347
00:22:40,720 --> 00:22:42,358
Mrs Leadbetter...
348
00:22:44,400 --> 00:22:46,391
...and Miss Much.
349
00:22:47,480 --> 00:22:49,869
- A point of order.
- Mr Chipchase?
350
00:22:49,920 --> 00:22:53,151
I still think it is unconstitutional,
and indeed, underhanded,
351
00:22:53,200 --> 00:22:56,192
to hold an election
while Miss Mountshaft is on holiday in Greece.
352
00:22:56,240 --> 00:22:58,231
- Hear, hear!
- May I reply?
353
00:22:58,280 --> 00:23:01,955
CHAIR: Please do.
- Do learn your society's rules, Mr Chipchase.
354
00:23:02,000 --> 00:23:05,630
There are sufficient members here
to form a quorum. It is perfectly legal.
355
00:23:05,680 --> 00:23:08,638
I still think it's unfair to Miss Mountshaft.
356
00:23:08,680 --> 00:23:12,389
I don't see why. You seem
more than an adequate mouthpiece for her.
357
00:23:13,720 --> 00:23:15,711
Is that a burn?
358
00:23:15,760 --> 00:23:20,357
Well, as I seem to have the floor, there are
one or two remarks I should like to make.
359
00:23:21,320 --> 00:23:24,438
Firstly, I did not seek office.
360
00:23:24,480 --> 00:23:30,078
It is simply that I seem to have been chosen
as the standard-bearer
361
00:23:30,120 --> 00:23:34,000
for those of us who seek to put a more
professional gloss on our productions.
362
00:23:34,040 --> 00:23:35,997
Hear, hear!
363
00:23:36,040 --> 00:23:38,714
Now, let me touch on Dolly Mountshaft
for a moment.
364
00:23:38,760 --> 00:23:43,231
- Here we go, vilification.
- No, Mr Chipchase, admiration.
365
00:23:44,120 --> 00:23:49,672
No-one is more aware than I of how much
Dolly Mountshaft has put into this society,
366
00:23:50,800 --> 00:23:56,000
and no-one is more aware of the awful toll
it has taken on her general health,
367
00:23:56,040 --> 00:23:59,476
her nerves and her... voice.
368
00:24:00,640 --> 00:24:03,632
You know, I wouldn't be surprised if,
at this moment,
369
00:24:03,680 --> 00:24:07,389
Dolly were not sitting in some taverna
with her bottle of ouzo
370
00:24:07,440 --> 00:24:10,273
almost wishing that she loses this election.
371
00:24:10,320 --> 00:24:11,754
She doesn't know about it!
372
00:24:11,800 --> 00:24:17,512
And if I am chosen to take up the tiller
of our little ship,
373
00:24:17,560 --> 00:24:20,313
I shall do so humbly, and in so doing,
374
00:24:20,360 --> 00:24:25,992
I shall call upon all of you to wish Dolly
a happy harbour in the back row of the chorus.
375
00:24:26,040 --> 00:24:28,509
- Where are you going, Jerry?
- [ thought...
376
00:24:28,560 --> 00:24:30,551
There's no time for that.
377
00:24:30,600 --> 00:24:32,796
- I want you to pass round the voting slips.
- Yes.
378
00:24:32,840 --> 00:24:34,831
I still feel, Madam Acting Chair...
379
00:24:34,880 --> 00:24:39,158
May I close with three little points
concerning what I can offer?
380
00:24:39,200 --> 00:24:46,197
One: fundraising activities on a scale
never dreamt of by dear unworldly Dolly.
381
00:24:46,240 --> 00:24:49,551
For example, Jeremy, my husband,
382
00:24:49,600 --> 00:24:54,037
has already promised the society
a cheque for £200.
383
00:24:54,080 --> 00:24:56,071
(Applause)
384
00:24:58,440 --> 00:25:01,000
Assuming I'm elected.
385
00:25:01,040 --> 00:25:04,999
Two: a guaranteed season at the town hall.
386
00:25:05,040 --> 00:25:07,031
But we've been banned.
387
00:25:07,080 --> 00:25:10,232
After The Sound Of Music, the Mayor said
we gave the borough a bad name.
388
00:25:11,160 --> 00:25:13,151
I had lunch with Charles yesterday.
389
00:25:13,200 --> 00:25:15,271
It wasn't so much our performance, you know.
390
00:25:15,320 --> 00:25:20,190
He was just a little hurt that Miss Mountshaft
forgot the customary bouquet for the Mayoress.
391
00:25:20,240 --> 00:25:23,073
- Nevertheless, Madam...
- And three...
392
00:25:23,120 --> 00:25:26,238
Rehearsal facilities. My home.
393
00:25:27,600 --> 00:25:30,353
Of course, one remembers very fondly
394
00:25:30,400 --> 00:25:34,598
those Bohemian evenings
in Miss Mountshaft's flatlet in the High Street.
395
00:25:34,640 --> 00:25:39,396
A jolly cup of cocoa, the sound of jolly little
children playing overhead.
396
00:25:39,440 --> 00:25:41,590
How many of them were there, I wonder.
397
00:25:41,640 --> 00:25:43,631
Of course, I can't provide all that.
398
00:25:43,680 --> 00:25:45,671
All I can offer is what you see,
399
00:25:45,720 --> 00:25:48,633
a spacious,
moderately comfortable environment,
400
00:25:49,640 --> 00:25:52,109
a little haven of peace and tranquillity...
401
00:25:52,200 --> 00:25:54,316
PETER DAWSON: & I am the bandolero...
402
00:26:02,800 --> 00:26:05,633
Hello, my darling Douglas. How are you?
403
00:26:05,680 --> 00:26:08,479
You are the most wonderful little bean,
you know?
404
00:26:08,520 --> 00:26:10,875
If was a little girl bean...
405
00:26:10,920 --> 00:26:14,629
You did it deliberately, didn't you?
You just had to! I shall never forgive you!
406
00:26:14,680 --> 00:26:17,991
- What are you on about?
- You, playing wretched music in the garden!
407
00:26:18,040 --> 00:26:20,759
- That is Peter Dawson!
- I don't care who it is!
408
00:26:20,800 --> 00:26:23,155
You have just ruined
my whole election campaign!
409
00:26:23,200 --> 00:26:25,077
- Good!
- How dare you?
410
00:26:25,120 --> 00:26:27,111
Why not? You just ruined our experiment!
411
00:26:27,160 --> 00:26:30,835
Oh, Douglas!
Oh, he's supposed to have nothing but love!
412
00:26:30,880 --> 00:26:34,839
He's heard you ranting and raving!
Honestly, Margo, I could murder you sometimes!
413
00:26:34,880 --> 00:26:36,871
Oh, Douglas... Oh, Douglas...
414
00:26:36,920 --> 00:26:38,911
(Barbara sobs)
415
00:26:40,680 --> 00:26:43,957
- Who's Douglas?
- My bean! My bean!
416
00:26:45,160 --> 00:26:48,915
- Oh, Barbara! Do keep a sense of proportion!
- Now, look here, Margo, I have...
417
00:26:51,600 --> 00:26:52,829
Madam President...
418
00:26:52,880 --> 00:26:54,871
- What?
- Congratulations.
419
00:26:54,920 --> 00:26:57,309
- You mean I'm... I'm the president?
- Mm-hm.
420
00:26:57,360 --> 00:27:00,273
- In spite of Peter Dawson?
- Obviously.
421
00:27:00,320 --> 00:27:02,311
Oh! Oh, Jerry!
422
00:27:03,240 --> 00:27:05,231
Oh, Barbara!
423
00:27:05,280 --> 00:27:08,477
- Oh...
- Don't you cuddle me! Please!
424
00:27:11,680 --> 00:27:16,151
- You have just stunted Douglas's growth.
- Oh, I'm... I'm so sorry.
425
00:27:16,200 --> 00:27:19,750
Well, Jerry will write out a cheque
for any damage I've done.
426
00:27:20,760 --> 00:27:23,957
- It's my function, you know.
- Yes, well, I must get back.
427
00:27:24,000 --> 00:27:26,992
I warn you, Margo,
you haven't heard the last of Peter Dawson!
428
00:27:27,040 --> 00:27:31,637
Oh, I hope not.
He was a fine artiste, a fine artiste.
429
00:27:34,560 --> 00:27:37,951
- How much do I owe you?
- Well, it's a week's work up the spout.
430
00:27:38,000 --> 00:27:40,276
- We've got to start from scratch now.
- How much?
431
00:27:40,320 --> 00:27:42,630
How can you put a price
on a scientific experiment?
432
00:27:42,680 --> 00:27:45,559
What are the grants
the government pay to research botanists?
433
00:27:45,600 --> 00:27:46,715
How much?
434
00:27:49,280 --> 00:27:50,475
Tuppence.
435
00:27:51,440 --> 00:27:53,431
(Record crackles)
436
00:27:57,840 --> 00:28:01,595
Well, Peter, mate, you didn't get a knighthood,
but you've got the next best thing.
437
00:28:01,640 --> 00:28:03,631
Margo approves of you.
438
00:28:05,440 --> 00:28:07,431
I'm getting worried about you.
439
00:28:07,480 --> 00:28:08,800
Why?
440
00:28:08,840 --> 00:28:13,789
This talking to things, it's getting out of hand.
You're talking to gramophone records now.
441
00:28:13,840 --> 00:28:15,831
I'm hoping it will grow into an IP.
442
00:28:18,240 --> 00:28:20,834
Do you think music has an effect on animals?
443
00:28:21,480 --> 00:28:25,075
Some farmers use music in the cowshed.
They claim it increases the milk yield.
444
00:28:25,120 --> 00:28:29,273
- Perhaps we should try it with Geraldine.
- What about chickens?
445
00:28:29,320 --> 00:28:32,517
- No, you can't milk chickens.
- No, I mean their eggs.
446
00:28:32,560 --> 00:28:34,995
It's not very likely, is it?
447
00:28:35,040 --> 00:28:37,350
No. That's what... That's what I thought.
448
00:28:38,080 --> 00:28:40,071
- Only...
- Only what?
449
00:28:40,120 --> 00:28:42,111
Well...
450
00:28:52,200 --> 00:28:55,716
Peter, mate, I've always believed in you.
You know that, don't you?
38355
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