All language subtitles for The Brady Bunch Movie (1995)-ts

Well, that's what's brill/ant
about you, Mr. Feldman.

No one else would have thought of building
a residential mini-mall.

Now that I've got everyone else
on the block

to agree to your offer, I think we're...

It's got to be everyone
on the block, everyone, or the deal's 0175

oh, we're headed into the canyon.

I think I'm losing you, Mr. Feldman.

Cut the crap, dittmeyer.
Did you get everyone or not?

Well, there's this one family
that's holding out.

Then sweeten the deal up the ofi'er.

It's not that simple.

It's like they're not interested in money.

It's like they're not normal.

Why the hell not? What's their story?

Hmm.

Don't worry about me. I'm okay.

Morning, Mrs. Brady.

Oh, thanks, Alice.

Morning, Alice.

Careful, Mr. Brady, don't bend over.

We've gotten the dittmeyers' mail again,
sweetheart.

You'd think after all these years
they'd know who lives where.

Well, I always know where
to deliver my mail.

Mm. Mr. Brady...

Mommy, mommy, marcia's been
in the bathroom for a super-long time.

Now, Cindy, we've told you before,
no one likes a tattletale.

- But, daddy...
- Your father's right, sweetheart.

Why don't you help Alice
make some cookies?

Okay, mommy.

But can my doll help too?

As long as it's not Betsy wetsy.

She makes my cookies soggy woggy.

Oh, Alice.

4,998.

Come on, marcia, open up.
I've got to shave.

4,999.

Gosh, marcia, there are other people
in this family besides you.

5,000.

Come on, marcia.

Doug Simpson's sure to notice me today.

All finished.

- Finally.
- Greg.

Jan, you're just going
to have to wait your turn.

It's never my turn.

Jan, did you move my trophies?

Yes. I couldn't look in the mirror

without seeing the awards
of the great marcia Brady.

Ahem.

I believe these are my white knee socks.

Not everything in this room is yours.

See, jan? I told you they were mine.

Now, put them back, and don't forget
to close the drawer when you're done.

She has every rr'ght to be mad.

They are her socks.

But why does marcia get all the socks?

Why does marcia get all the trophies?

Why does marcia get all the good drawers 7

yeah. Why does marcia get everything?

Marcia, marcia, marcia.

It's closed!

Come on, Greg. Hurry up.

Boy, he's worse than marcia.

Hmm.

Hey. What's wrong with your voice?

Well, my libido is increasing
at a rapid rate,

and the surge of hormones causes
dramatic physical and emotional changes.

Well, that's what miss lynley told us

- in health class.
- Ah.

- Finally.
- Yeah.

Well, you kids have no idea
what it takes to impress a chick.

Maybe, someday, when you're older

you'll get hip
to what it's like being a man.

Good news, Greg. I'm putting on
your favorite Scooby doo bedsheets.

Scooby-dooby-doo!

Honey, I think you've stirred that enough.

I'm not stirring.

I'm looking
for kitty carryall's underpants.

I tell you what.
Why don't I take over the cookies,

and you run these letters
to the dittmeyers

and see if they've gotten
any of our mail by mistake.

Okay, mommy.

Missy, get your butt-ugly face down here!

Hello, Eric, are your parents home?

Blow off, cheeseball.

Missy!

Shut up before you have a toxic dump.

Hello, missy.
How's your science project coming?

I finished mine.

What are you going to do?

Hand in your face and call it "barf mold?"

Thee you on the theethaw, thindy.

Bye.

Look, Mr. Feldman,
I promised they'd sell, and they will.

- Lrlre the bates deal?
- Yeah, I know I took it in the rear

on that subdivision, but this time,
I'm the one who's doing the screwing.

Yeah, well, just make sure
one holdout family doesn't wreck this.

- You hear me?
- Look, can I call you back?

- Yeah.
- Thanks.

Hello, Mr. Dittmeyer.

Why are you here?

Oh. Thanks.

Mom asked me to ask you if there's
any mail for us here by mistake.

I... I don't understand you.
What do you want?

Mom asked me to ask you if there's
any mail for us here by mistake.

What?

Mom asked me to ask you if
there's any mail for us here by mistake.

Nope. Not a clue.

She wants the Bradys' mail, Larry!

Thank you, darling.

So kind of you to climb out
from under your hangover.

Let's see. Where did I file your mail?
Oh, yes.

-Hi, honey.

How's your daddy?

He's fine.

Mrs. Brady's lucky to have
a big, strong, virile man like that.

Tell you what, sweetie.

Next Christmas, you tell your daddy

I'd be more than happy
to wrap his package.

Okay.

Here. Hit the road, bad seed.

Excuse me, but the juice
will make your shoes slip.

What?

Your shoes will slip in the juice.

- Bye.
- Bye-bye.

Daddy, Mrs. Dittmeyer said
that she'd be glad

to wrap your package this Christmas.

Hmm, really?

How is Mrs. Dittmeyer?

Mr. Dittmeyer says she's overhung.

But he's not in a good mood
because he's taking it in the rear.

Must be that paperboy again.

Cindy, that's Mr. Dittmeyer's business.

Remember, nobody likes a snitch.

I'm not a snitch.

I just tell it like it is.

You know, Cindy,
when you tattle on someone,

you're not just telling on them,
you're telling on yourself.

And, by tattling on someone,
you're really just telling them,

"I'm a tattletale."

Now, is that the tale you want to tell?

I never thought of it like that.

Sweetheart, it's time to get
your school things together, honey.

Okay, mommy.

Hmm.

What is it, Mike?

It's a letter from the county.

They say we haven't paid
our property taxes.

Haven't paid our taxes?
We always pay our taxes.

Well, they say it's the fifth notice,

and we owe them $20,000
by the end of the week,

or they'll auction our house.

Twenty thousand dollars?

There has to be a mix-up.

Well, we better call someone.

We are?

You do?

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

I see.

We should!

You are?

Uh-huh.

All right. Goodbye.

We owe them.

Oh, Mike.

Well, don't you worry, honey.
We'll find the money.

Find the money?

But we used our savings
to go to the Grand Canyon and Hawaii.

What are we going to do, Mike?

Okay, troops!

Time for school!

Greg! Marcia! Peter! Jan! Bobby! Cindy!

Oh!

Do we always have to walk so close?

Oh, jan.

Uh, mom, can I borrow your car today?

I want to ask Donna Leonard
to go out for a soda after school.

All right, but no hot-rodding.

Thanks, mom.

She's the most far-out chick in my class.

You wouldn't believe how much I dig her.

Sure, I would.

I've been digging Sam so long, by the
time he proposes, I'll be six feet under.

Oh, Alice, what would we do without you?

Probably eat out.

Hey, why the long face, Bobby?

Well, ever since I became
a safety monitor at school,

nobody will talk to me.

They think I'm some kind of fink.

Well, Bobby, people like to be corrected
when they're doing something wrong.

That's how we improve ourselves.

Right, dad.

And, if your sister
would wear her glasses,

she just might improve her eyesight.

Marcia doesn't have to wear glasses.

Besides, all my friends at school

say glasses make me look positively goofy.

Now, honey, you look very lovely
with your glasses on.

Doesn't she, kids?

- Far out, jan.
- Yeah. Yeah.

- Yeah, I mean it, outta sight.
- For sure.

Really terrific, honest.

All right, troops, off to school.

- Goodbye.
- Have a good day.

Bye, mom. Bye, dad.

- Come on, marcia.
- Bye, mom.

I'm coming.

Jan, a real friend likes you
for who you are, not what's on your face.

If you judge your friends
for passing judgment on you,

you're not onlyjudging yourself,

you're judging your friends
forjudging you.

And that would be using bad judgment.

I never thought of it that way.

Jan?

Bye.

Bye, honey.

Bye, Bobby.

Bye, jan.

Oh!

Oh! Oh!

Ow!

Hey, you stupid little punk kid,
stay out of the road!

Davy Jones is the most.

I sure wish he'd write back.
I wrote him over a month ago.

But, marcia,
he gets millions of letters.

But I'm president of his fan club,

and I invited him
to entertain at the school dance.

A big rock star like that
can't just drop everything for our dance.

Geez, you can be so silly sometimes.

All right, everybody out.
This is a carjack.

Well, of course this is a car.

But my name's not Jack, it's Greg.

And this is my sister marcia.

- And you are?
- Eddie.

Wait a minute.
Didn't you hear me? Get out now!

This is a carjacking.

Oh, Greg, I think he has a flat tire.
He must need a Jack.

- Sorry, Eddie.
- Uh, we don't have a Jack.

But don't worry. I'll call AAA

- as soon as we get to school.
- It was so nice to meet you.

Bye-bye.

Hey, you moron!

Out of the way, jerk!

Now, don't worry about the house, honey.

I'm sure Mr. Phillips
will advance me the money.

Oh, of course he will.

You're the best player on his team.

Mm. Go get 'em, tiger.

Tiger, tiger...

Whatever happened to that dog?

Ha! Brady.

Morning, Larry.

You know, I was just reading
about some beautiful property

available up in Utah.

I'll bet you'd feel right at home there.

Blue skies, clean living, osmonds.

Thanks, Larry,
but I'm still not interested in moving.

I love this house.

Carol loves it,
the kids love it, Alice loves it.

It was our first house all together.

Half a mil, take it or leave it.

Like I said, there's nothing
that could get us to sell.

I designed this house myself.

It's in perfect condition.

Carol thinks so,
the kids think so, Alice thinks so.

I'm sorry.

Well, you can't blame a guy
for trying, huh?

Putz.

Uh, excuse me, Mr. Dittmeyer.

But, as a member of the safety patrol,

I must warn you
that your hedge is overgrown

and can block the view
of the street for oncoming traffic.

I know this because I was on my bike
and checked out the sight lines myself.

- Mm. Well, you see, Billy...
- Bobby.

Like it matters.

I grew my hedge tall for a reason.

So, I wouldn't have to see your family.

Thank you for your concern.

Stand back from the vehicle.

You are standing too close to the vehicle.

J” I've seen the future and this is it j”

J” warmer, girl j”

j” making the music softerj”

See you later.

Oh, hey there, groovy chick.

Oh, great.

Do I look like a yellow,
fuzzy baby bird to you?

Hey, that's funny, Donna.

You know, you are really happening
in a far-out way.

How about you and me going out
for a soda after school?

Sorry. I got a step class.

Well, if you're having problems
with your steps,

maybe you should let me carry
your books to history class.

I can hold my own books,
and it's not history, it's "herstory."

Wow.

Hi, everybody.

J” a goddess on a mountaintop j”

j” was burnin'like a srlver flame j”

j” the summit of beauty... j”

hey, marcia.

Hello, Doug Simpson.

J” and Venus was her name j”

god, she drives me crazy!

J” she's got itj”

I got to have that.

I live next door to her.

And she's harder to get into
than a Pearl jam concert.

What are you guys talking about?

Just how twisted the Bradys are.

Especially marcia.

What a retro-wannabe.

I think Peter's a babe.

Well, in a gilligan sort of way.

What, are you nuts?

Biology. Take notes.

What?

- Hi, marcia.
- Hi.

Oh, guess what?
My mom said I can sleep over.

- Oh, really?
- Yes.

That's great, Noreen. Guess what else.

Doug just said hi to me.

He is so dreamy, isn't he?

Yeah, I guess.

If you like that sort of thing.

So, can I carry your books to class?

Sure, Noreen.

After all, you are my best friend.

- Uh-oh. Here comes Doug. Go away.
- Sure.

- No, no. Stay.
- Okay.

No, no. Leave.

- Fine.
- No, no, stay

and pretend I just said
something really funny.

What? Oh.

Hi, marcia.

What's up?

Oh, um, hi, Doug.

Listen, I was just wondering,
if you're not doing anything Friday night,

maybe you'd like to go
to the dance with me.

Sure. That would be a blast.

Cool. You'll hear from me.

Great.

He's so outta sight.

Oh, my gosh!

- I just remembered.
- What?

I already told Charlie I would go
to the dance with him.

So I can't go out with two boys at once.

I like Charlie, but Doug is so cute.

And, after all,
he is the big man on campus.

Noreen, what am I going to do?

This is the worst mess I've ever
gotten myself into. The worst!

- Oh.
- My life is over!

So, that is what males experience

during the onset of puberty.

Now, as far as the young women
are concerned,

first, we begin with ovulation

and its effect on the female body.

- Peter?
- Yes, miss lynley?

Why don't you come up here
and take the pointer.

And we will trace the path
of the ovum through the fallopian tube,

where the uterine lining
is flushed through the vagina.

Peter!

Peter!

So, jan, what can I help you with?

Teen pregnancy?

Bulimia?

Uh, suicidal tendencies?

No. It's my stupid glasses.

I know I should wear them.

I look at myself
in the mirror every morning

and I say to myself,
"jan, put on your glasses."

But then I say, "you look like
a super creep. Take them off."

It's like my head tells me
to do different things,

and I get very confused.

Inner voices?

Good. That's good.

Let's explore that.

What does she mean, "r'nner voices"?

I don't think that's any of her business.

But rt's her job to ask questions.

You are so dumb.

I don't have inner voices.

Now, jan, paranoid schizophrenia
is very common

amongst the children of blended families.

You are the middle child, aren't you?

Middle chrld?

Don't you mean
marcr'a Brady's little sister?

Wait a mr'nute. She is just trying to help.

Help? Wake up!

She's just looking for an excuse to bring
up marcia. Marcia! Marcia! Marcia!

Yes! I'm in the middle!

Well, it sounds like
you have a serious case

of middle child syndrome.

But you needn't worry.

Here's a copy of my book.

And my tapes.

In the meantime, do something
to make yourself stand out,

give you your own look apart
from your siblings.

A new look.

That's it.

Gee, thanks, Mrs. Cummings.

Jan.

Come back when you're pregnant.

And, girl, you better work.

There ain't no justice!

- Hi, Holly.
- Hi.

Can I give you a hand?

Yeah. Thanks.

I'm over here.

Hey, petey.

Look, Leon.

It's Holly's little friend.

Hey, knock it off or I'll...

Or you'll what?

Dittmeyer!

Do it and die.

I'm going to get you, Brady.

A $20,000 advance?

Huh. I'd like to, Mike,

but, uh, we're still hurting
from the recession.

I only have three developers
coming all this week.

Let me have a shot
at those projects, Mr. Phillips.

If I can sell one of them my design,
you could front me the advance, right?

Sure, but...

How should I put this delicately, Mike?

Your designs are from another time.

That's kind of you to say, Mr. Phillips.

I've always thought
of my style as classic, as well.

I'll get right to work.

Well, Mr. Amir, what do you think?

I love it.

But it's too interesting.

I want something simple.

A couple of self-serve pump
and a slurpee machine.

Sorry.

It's only strike one, Mr. Phillips.

I've still got two more times at bat.

Cinderella, dressed in yellow,

went to the ball to kiss the f...

Hey, Heidi,
go yodel in your own yard, huh?

Okay, Mr. Dittmeyer.

Vvhoa!

Hey! Hey, little girl!

I got to get something out of my truck.

Don't let anybody touch this wire.

- Can you do that?
- Of course.

Daddy, there's a Brady in our yard!

I thought I told you
to stay in your own yard.

Yes. But you see, Mr. Dittmeyer,
I'm simply standing here...

You know, the lisp thing
is really getting old.

So why don't you hop back on
the Swiss miss package where you belong?

Oh. Don't forget yourjump rope.

Try it and you're spam.

Well, Mr. Brady,
did you hit a home run today?

My design didn't even
make it to first base.

You know, maybe we should think about
taking Mr. Dittmeyer up on his offer.

You're serious about selling the house?

Carol, I designed this house myself,

every color, every brick,
every sheet of formica.

If I knew another way out, I'd take it.

But where else are we going to find
$20,000 by the end of the week?

Oh, no.

We're going to have to sell our house.

What is it, Cindy?
I'm busy writing a song for Danielle.

I have to tell you something.

Okay.

But I can't tell you,
'cause that would be tattling.

Come on, Cindy.
If it's important, it's not tattling.

I'm never going to tell that
mom and dad have to sell the house

because they owe $20,000.

Oops.

And that's why I called this meeting.

But Greg, what are we going to do?

Yeah. If we don't raise $20,000
in one week, we'll have to move.

- And go to a new school.
- And make new friends.

But, jan, you don't have any friends.

Wait. We can save the house.

- We can raise the money ourselves.
- But how?

Well, we can each get jobs
and earn extra money.

Hey, neato idea.

Gee, there are so many things I'm good at.

I wouldn't know where to start.

Oh, I'm just so perfect at so many things.

You're just jealous, jan.

I'm going to make some serious cash.

Oh, yeah?
Well, I bet I can make more than you.

Ha! With what, shrimpo?
Your tooth fairy money?

Who are you calling "shrimpo"?

Hey, mom always said
don't play ball in the house.

- I wasn't playing ball!
- I'm gonna tell.

Hey, you guys, stop fighting!

If we're going
to save this house for mom and dad,

we've each got to make as much as we can.

Yeah.

Yeah.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Yeah.

But, jan, you don't have any friends.

You're just jealous, jan.

Jan! What are you doing?

Go back to sleep, Cindy.

Jan, don't!

Marcia's hair is so beautiful.

Exactly. That's why I'm going
to get a lot of money when I sell it.

Jan, what are you doing?

Oh, marcia.

I love your hair.

Ooh! What a groovy hairdo.

Oh, you're so beautiful!

No! She's supposed to look bad.

No! No!

What a horrible dream.

Greg, have you gone bananas?

No. I just found a way to save our house.

I'm going to become a rock star.

That's great, Greg,

but I need some advice
about something really important.

See, Charlie asked me to the dance,
and I said yes.

Then Doug asked me to the dance,
and I said yes to him, too.

What am I going to do?

Well, you just tell the guy
you don't want to go with

that something suddenly came up.

And that works?

Sure. Girls say it to me all the time.

- Hey, marcia.
- Oh, hi, Charlie.

I can't wait until the dance Friday night.

Oh, um...

About the dance, Charlie...

Well, something suddenly came up.

Oh, well, you know, that's okay.
Uh, maybe some other time?

Sure.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Greg was right.

Well, that takes care of that problem.

Let's see what's next.

Hmm.

"Attention! Missing
school office supplies. Reward offered."

Office supplies?
I don't know what you're talking about.

Yeah. I heard it before.

You know,
I've got reward money riding on this.

Now, spread 'em.

Oh, come on, Mrs. Whitfield! You're going
to have to do better than that!

Boy, you sure have some
strong thigh muscles, Mrs. Whitfield.

But I've been here for hours!

Please! You won't regret it!
I guarantee it!

Please.

Weren't you ever a kid with a dream
of making something of yourself?

"Clowns"?

"Beanstalks"?

- What the hell is this?
- This is a guaranteed gold record!

Look, what did you say
your name was, again?

Bravo... Johnny bravo.

Listen, bravo,

today's sound is raw, with an edge.

Seattle, grunge, garage bands.

Don't they have beanstalks in Seattle?

Well, hey there, groovy chick.

Hmm... mm-mmm.

Yeah. It went fabulous.
Put the head back on, Fletcher.

- Now, lr'ste...
- Listen, uh, I am closing in

on the, uh... on the Bradys, though.
They'll be...

Make sure...

Can I call you back, Mr. Feldman?
My car phone's ringing.

Hello.

Hello.
I'm calling from a marketing firm.

We 'd just like a few minutes of your time.

Ow!

Do you ever use
pens and pencrls? I know you do...

Oh, hi, Mrs. Dittmeyer!

I'm here to see Eric.

Oh, hi, greggie.

Oh, Greg? I'm so glad you're here.

- I've got some more of your mail.
- Oh.

Oh, gee, your hands are full.

Let me just...

My, you've gotten so big.

You're almost as big as your daddy.

And I'm still growing.

Right before my very eyes.

Your pants are so tight.

Hey, Mrs. Dittmeyer.

Peter!

Uh, can I mow your lawn?
I'm trying to earn some extra money.

Sure.

Two Bradys...

Tell you what, when you boys are done,

why don't you come inside
and help me make a sandwich?

Penny for your thoughts.

How about 20,000 of them?

You're worried about the house,
aren't you?

I told you I'd take care of everything.

Oh, Mike,
it's just that we're so happy here.

I sure would miss our kitchen
and our garden, and Alice!

If we lose her, who'll make
the lunches I pass out?

- And who'll answer the phone...
- "Brady residence."

And who'll help me...

Now, honey, Alice isn't going anywhere,
and neither are we.

Besides, she doesn't do
everything around her.

Time to put your bookmark in, Mr. Brady.

I sure am glad your mom let you
sleep over on a school night.

Marcia, I have to tell you something.

You are the prettiest girl
in the entire school.

I know.

But how can I use my good looks
and sparkling personality

to make money and save our house?

That's it!

I could be a teen model!

Oh, thanks, Noreen! You're the greatest!

- Noreen?
- Mm?

Is that you?

Oh! Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought that was my leg.

Night.

Sweet dreams, marcia.

I still don't know why
you had to tag along.

This is my thing.

You're not the only one
who can be a model, you know.

Ooh.

Those are pretty pictures.

What have you modeled for?

Guess.

Are you a Breck girl?

No. Guess jeans.

Okay, um...

Levis, wrangler, oshkosh b'gosh?

- Brady girls?
- That's us.

So, you're professional models?

- Yes, we are!
- Of course!

So, what do you have to show me?

Plenty.

- Oh.
- Why don't we take five.

You.

Wow.

- Thank you!
- Why does everyone always choose marcia?

What does she have that I don't have?

Now, marcia, I may be able to use you,

but first, you're going to have
to do a little work on yourself.

You mean like walking
with a book on my head?

No. I mean like cutting that mousy hair,
capping those teeth

and losing about 30 pounds,
my little sausage.

How do you feel about breast implants?

Cut my hair?

And, after much consideration,
Mr. Swanson,

I designed a structure especially
for your needs.

So, what do you think?

Well, it's just too good
a design for a fast food joint.

You see what I'm saying, Phillips?

This is...
I think you're pumping a dry well here.

You understand what I'm saying? All right.

I'll be in touch with you. Sorry, Mikey.

Well, strike two.

There's got to be a way to make $20,000.

Hey. "Search for the stars is looking
for fresh young musical acts.

First prize, $20,000."

Hmm.

Too bad I'm not a musical act.

Hey, marcia!

I'm not marcia! I'm jan!

The usual, Sam.

Sure thing, Mrs. Brady.

Twenty pounds of ground round
coming right up.

Carol, are you still eating red meat?

Why, of course! I've got growing kids!

I have to think about their health!

Isn't Sam the best?

We're sure going to miss this place
when we move, won't we?

Oh, we're not moving.

You're not?
I thought everyone on the block was.

Mike says there's no reason to sell.

We'll be here forever.

There you go, Mrs. Brady.

Thanks, Sam.

Have a nice day.

- Bye, Sam.
- Bye.

Marcia, could you call
the troops to dinner?

In a second, I'm just checking
for a letter from Davy Jones.

Nothing.

Oh, Alice, if I don't get an answer
from him soon,

I'll be the most humiliated girl
in the world.

You think waiting three weeks
for an answer is rough?

Try waiting 20 years for the question.

Alice.

Hey, Greg, you're the Casanova
of Clinton Avenue.

How can I get Holly to go for me?

Well, chicks love compliments, man.

Just tell her how groovy she is.

And that really works?

Trust me. It always gets a reaction.

Now, throw me a pass.

Twenty-four, 32, set, hike.

Dinner's ready... ooh, my nose!

- Are you all right?
- Oh, gee. I'm sorry, marcia.

- Yeah, me, too.
- Oh.

Let's have a look, marcia.

I look awful, just awful.

I can never show my face in school again.

I'm ruined.

Sweetheart, I know you feel terrible,
but it's going to get better.

I'm sure no one will ever notice.

Oh, my goodness, what happened to your...

Mother's favorite picture?

It's crooked.

I mean, the painting's crooked.

I think I'd better go.

I think I hear the nose boy.

I mean, the newsboy.
Oh, boy, did I blow it.

Now I'll never be a teen model.

I'll never be anything.

What's the point of living?

I might as well die.

Don't forget my $10 reward money.

I made more than you, almost $12.

Well, I got $15 from Mrs. Dittmeyer.

Boy, is she a good tipper.

But we're still nowhere near $20,000.

This is just awful.

You can say that again.

Tonight's the school dance,
and my nose still hasn't gone down.

Hey, I saw something
on the bulletin board at school

about a search for the stars contest.

They're looking for fresh,
young musical groups.

First prize is exactly $20,000.

- Oh, sure, jan, like we'd really win.
- Oh, jan...

- We'd never have a chance of winning.
- We might as well Rob a bank.

Guys, there's no point in fighting.
We're running out of time,

and we still have to find
a way out of this mess.

I sure am going to miss this house.

Uh-oh. Here comes mom and dad.

All right, now,
remember, everyone, act happy.

We can't let on that we know anything.

Mike, you don't think the kids
suspect anything, do you?

Oh, no, of course not.

Well, just to make sure,
we should act extra happy.

Well, you know what makes us the happiest.

Potato sack race!

Get ready, get set, go!

So, what can I do you for?

You can explain to me
what Mrs. Brady told my wife.

Yeah, if Mike Brady won't sell,
we're all screwed.

Well, allow me to take this opportunity
to set the record straight.

The Bradys are selling,
my clients are buying,

and you are all making out like bandits.

- Scotch, Steve?
- Are you calling my wife a liar?

Steve, no.

I'm just saying you can't believe
the Bradys.

You've all seen the insane stuff
that goes on over there.

How about this astroturf lawn
they treat like real grass, huh?

And, excuse me,
a family that's happy all the time?

Not possible.

It is strange how they spend
their weekends,

- hopping around in potato sacks.
- Yeah.

And you know something?
I hear that their maid works for free.

Can you understand that?

- I can't. No.
- No.

You know, I was over there once.

One bathroom for nine people.

- Get out of here.
- Stop, please.

And I never did see a toilet.

Oh, please,
they've got to put it somewhere.

- Come on.
- I rest my case.

Hi. I'm Doug Simpson.

Marcia's date.

Oh, right, the big man on campus.

Come on in, Doug.

Marcia, Doug's here.

Hi, Doug.

Big man on campus, huh?

Yeah, right.

Hi, Doug.

Hi, marcia. Is anything wrong?

Sweetheart, I think you better show him.

I suppose you don't want
to go out with me now, huh?

Of course I do.

It's not your nose I'm after.

That's a fine boy marcia's got there.

Oh, marcia, it looks like rain.
You better take your shawl.

Thanks.

Uh, Doug, how about you?
Do you have any protection?

Yes, ma'am, assorted colors and textures.

Good for you.

Have fun, kids.

Bye-bye.

But, Doug, this isn't the school dance.

I just figured we'd come up here
and unwind a little bit before we go down.

Mind if I change the station?

Oh, it is windy tonight.

Maybe we should put the top up.

I'll keep you warm, marcia.

Uh, Doug, your hand is on my shoulder.

Well, that's third base,
and I don't go that far.

Doug, I think I just felt
your tongue in my mouth.

That's called a French kiss, marcia.

I thought you were from Nebraska.

I am.

Listen, Doug,
I don't know what you were thinking,

but I don't do things like that.

You may live your life one way,
but we Bradys follow our own drummer.

So, I hope this doesn't sour
the rest of our date.

You Bradys suck!

Excuse me.

No, thank you.
I don't take rides from strangers.

I was just wondering how to get
to west Dale high school.

West Dale high?

Hey, you're one groovy chick.

You're really happening in a far-out way.

Thanks.

Peter!

Yeah!

Excuse me.
Can I have your attention, please?

You may all know me as Greg Brady,

but tonight, I'd like to introduce you to

Johnny bravo!

For my first song,

I'd like to sing a number I wrote for
the grooviest chick at west Dale high.

One, two three, four.

Ah-ha-ha-ha!

Hi, everybody.

It's the new jan Brady.

Am I a hit?

Do you like it?

Hmm.

Wow, it worked.

I really did make a splash.

Can I have your attention, please?

I have some news
that's going to make everyone flip.

- Hey, what about me?
- I love you!

I thought he might show up,

but I didn't want to
get all your hopes up.

Marcia did it again.

Marcia, marcia, marcia!

But here he is. Davy Jones!

- Hey, grandpa.
- Oh, man!

Thanks a lot for being here, Davy.

I mean, Mr. Jones.

Anything for my number-one fan.

Look, it really is Davy Jones!

- Hi, Charlie.
- Hey, marcia.

It was rude of me to break our date.

How can I make it up to you?

Well, marcia, how about a dance?

Why, I'd love to, Charlie Anderson.

Hi.

Hey, where are you going?

Something suddenly came up.

Hey, marcia, you looked great up there.

Thanks, Noreen.

Hey, marcia, you got a sec?

Forget it, Doug.

Even with a swollen nose,
I can still smell a rat.

Slut.

Um, marcia, would you get our coats?

I have a little matter to discuss.

Sure, Charlie.

Hey, I heard what you said, Doug.

And I'm not going to let you
talk to marcia like that.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Well, what are you going
to do about it, geek?

I'm going to lose...

- Consciousness.
- Hey, Doug.

How's about a little punch?

Is he dead?

Wow, Charlie, thanks.

Couldn't have done it better myself.

Here.

Are you okay?

I really had a great time, marcia.

Yeah, me, too, Charlie.

Well...

- Bye.
- Bye.

Uh, marcia?

So, um, can...

Can I have a kiss good night?

Yeah. Okay, Charlie.

Marcia,

I think I just felt
your tongue in my mouth.

It's called a French kiss, Charlie.

Um, marcia, I got to go.

Something suddenly came up.

Thirty-two, 24, hrke.

Dinner's ready.

Oh, my nose!

What a nice dream.

Jan, what is it? Has my nose gotten worse?

No. It's better.

The hardest thing
about the health club business

is getting people to leave their house.

Well, what do you think?

I love it.

Consider yourself hired.

Uh-huh. You would?

I see.

All right.

Mom, dad?

Hey, why the gloom?

Well, we just had a kid meeting,

and, well, we decided
that we don't mind if we have to move.

We tried to raise the money
for the tax bill ourselves,

but there are only two days left,

and all we could come up with was $110.

What?

How did you know
about the house and the tax bill?

Oops.

Cindy, do I have to remind you
that when you tattle on somebody,

you're not just telling on them,
you're telling on yourself and...

Telling them
that you're a tattletale.

Yeah. We've heard it, dad. Thanks.

Kids, you have nothing to worry about.

Today your father sold a design,

and now he can get that $20,000 advance.

I appreciate what you all tried to do,
and from now on, no more secrets.

The important thing is
we still have our home.

So, let's celebrate.

Put on your Sunday best, kids.
We're going to sears.

Hey, everybody, look at Alice.

Far out, Alice.

Outta sight.

- Neato.
- And I thought Sam had magic fingers.

Oh, Alice.

Hey, everybody, look.

Come on, gang, let's have a look.

I'm on TV.

Oh, my god. Tori spelling is here
autographing her new perfume!

Bill. Brady.

Occupant.

Bill.

Brady.

"Joint consolidated tax bill.
Final notice.

Dear Mr. Brady,

due to your failure to pay,

house will be auctioned
2:00 pm. Tomorrow...

$20,000."

Dena?

Dena.

This is the greatest day of our lives.

Did the kids run away?

No. We are rich.

We are going to be filthy,
stinking, disgustingly rich.

- Larry?
- Yeah?

Get me my ice mask.

Forget your ice mask.

We're going to be so rich you can hire
an eskimo to sit on your face.

It's open.

Of course it is.

- Morning.
- Morning, Larry.

If you're here about the offer,
the answer's still no.

I haven't changed my mind.

No need for that.

I know you won't be selling this house,

because after the auction tomorrow
at 2:00, I'll own it.

Well, I don't think
there'll be any auction.

What?

Well, luckily,
I just sold one of my designs,

so it looks like
the Bradys are here to stay.

So, which firm was lucky enough
to snag one of your designs, Mike?

And, of course if you ever need a property
for one of your health clubs,

- I'm your man.
- Oh, thank you.

Well, well. What have we here?

This is one of our new gyms
that we're constructing.

We are negotiating to buy
the design right now.

Really? Who's your architect?

A very talented fellow, name of Brady.

I guess you won't be breaking ground
until after he dries out.

Dries out?

I really shouldn't say anything.
Guy's been through a lot lately,

what with the charges filed
against him and everything.

Charges?

Criminal negligence.

A building he designed
completely collapsed.

Old folks home, Christmas day.

All those cute, little
visiting grandchildren.

Some with puppies.

Let's take a moment
to honor their memory, shall we?

I'll get it.

Brady residence.

You did? I see. When?

Uh-huh.

They did?

Why not?

Uh-huh.

Yeah?

Right.

Well, bye.

- Bad news, I'm afraid.
- Oh, Mike. What?

The flex factory pulled out
of the project this morning.

They're not going with my design.

Oh, Mike. Why?

Well, they wouldn't say.

I guess, this means it's over.

Unless a miracle happens by 2:00 tomorrow,

the county is going to auction our house.

Oh, Mike. How?

Kids, I'm afraid the money
that we were counting on

is no longer a possibility.

But I want you to remember
that no matter where we go,

or whatever house we're in,

we'll be fine as long as we're together.

So, I don't want to see any more frowns.

We're Bradys.

And as a wise man once said,

"wherever you go, there you are."

I never thought of it that way, dad.

Thanks, dad.

Boy, this is crummy.

Well, there must be some way out
of this mess.

Everybody think.

Hey, I've got it.

We can enter that
search for the stars contest.

First prize is exactly $20,000.

That's a nifty idea, marcia.

Great idea, marcia.

- Good idea, marcia.
- Am I invisible?

Do I not have a voice?

I had that idea two days ago.

Stop being so selfish, jan.

Come on, jan.

- Oh, jan.
- Jan.

Come on, you guys,
we've got a big day ahead of us.

We better get some rest if we're going
to be a fresh, young musical group.

It was my idea. Mine.

Didn't anybody hear me?

I heard you.

Me, too.

But rt sounded better coming from marcia.

Sam, that was the juiciest
meat cutters' ball I've ever been to.

I'm cooked.

Alice, I want you to stick out your hand
and close your eyes.

I got a surprise for you.

Unless it fits on my finger,
I've got to hit the sack.

It better fit,
or I'm going to have to take it back.

Sam, I thought this day would never come.

When I saw it,
I thought it was right up your alley.

I'm bowled over.

I always thought our grandchildren
would come visit us in this house.

Oh, Mike.

You know, this is going to be
our last night in this bedroom.

Why, grandpa Brady.

Jan, where are you going?

Some place where I can be appreciated.

Go ahead and snitch if you want.

- Just give me a head start.
- I wouldn't snitch.

But how will we sing without you?

Why don't you ask marcia?

Maybe she has another brilliant idea.

Mom? Dad?

Uh, what is it, Cindy?

If you know something,
but you don't want to be a tattle,

but it's very important
that you tell someone...

Cindy, let's talk about it tomorrow.

But jan could be dead by then!

What?

Oops.

Why would jan run away like this?

Maybe we were thinking too much
about our problems

and not enough about the kids.

Did anyone say anything
that would make jan run away?

Nothing more than
what we usually say to her.

Yeah.

I'll get Alice.

Hi, folks.

Sam, what are you doing here?

Oh, I was just delivering some meat.

Well, it's a good thing you're here.

Jan ran away, and we need you
and Alice to help find her.

We'll circle the block.

You check the school.

Come on, gang, let's go.

Let's go.

Come on, everybody, hurry up.

Come on.

Come on, Cindy.

I call the way back.

- I got the back seat.
- I got the back seat.

What happened?
Did an animal die on your head?

Hey, lose the hat. You'll be okay.

Keep your eyes peeled, everybody.

Breaker, one-nine, breaker, one-nine,

this is Christmas Carol.

Honey, no one's answered us in years.

Oh, Mike, I have to try.

Breaker, one-nine, do you read me?

Anyone out there?

I need a 20 on a little girl.

Blonde, blue-eyed,
answers to the name of jan.

Tell her...

Mother hen and father goose
love her very much.

Come back to me if you're out there. Over.

Huh.

Sounds like some family misses
somebody they love very much.

I don't have a family.

Oh, no family.

You know, sometimes I'm driving
the graveyard shift

in the middle of nowhere.

I can't help thinking what might have been

if I'd taken a different road,
married young, had a family,

three boys, three girls.

Oh, then a little voice says,
"are you kidding?

They'd probably just treat you
like a maid."

Do you want some of this, jan?

No, thanks.

You have a little voice, too?

Mmm. Oh, honey, when you're
on the road as long as I am,

you got to talk to somebody.

That's a trick I learned growing up.

It's tough being a middle child.

You're a middle child. So am I.

Oh. Well, then you know what it feels
like not being special.

What does she mean, "I'm not special?”

Hey. She's just trying to help.

My family's not much.

No kids, though we do have
a lot of livestock.

Jan! Oh, jan!

Don't listen to her!

In this day and age,
if you're lucky enough...

Who is that?

It's me, the new jan Brady.

Let's knock over a 7-ele ven.

Stop! You're scaring me!

- Me too.
- Me too!

Mom? Dad?

Hi. I'm back.

Marcia? Cindy? Are you up there?

Greg? Peter? Bobby?

Alice?

Sam?

Christmas Carol, this is shultzy,
come back to me.

Schultzy! This is Christmas Carol.

I got a 20 on a little girl.

Blue eyes, blonde hair,
answers to the name of jan.

I just dropped her off
at 4222 Clinton way.

Thank you, schultzy,
thank you and god bless!

Over.

That's a big ten-four.

- Jan?
- Jan?

Jan, are you here?

Mom? Dad?

Oh, honey.

- Oh, honey!
- Oh, jan.

Oh, sweetheart.

I'm so glad you're safe!

Oh, honey.

What on earth made you run away?

I thought no one wanted me here anymore,

but when I was out in the real world,
I realized that I wanted me to be here.

You're all a part of me,

and I'm a part of you,

and there's no escaping that.

But it makes me feel really special.

I couldn't have put it better myself, jan,
but I'll try anyway.

I've always believed that it
doesn't matter where your home is,

because home is where your heart is.

And we may lose this house,

but we'll always have our family
because we're Bradys,

and this family is our home.

That's why we'll always have our home.

As long as we have our family,

even if we lose our house,
we're still Bradys.

Your father's right.

- Yeah, absolutely, dad.
- I never thought of it that way.

Maybe we can still save the house.

How about jan's idea
of the search for the stars contest?

Jan's idea?

Yes, it was jan's.
And it's a really great plan.

What's search for the stars?

It's a contest for the best musical group,

and there's a first prize of $20,000.

And singing one of Greg's songs,
we're sure to win.

Well, then, you're going
to have to sing it without me.

- Huh?
- What?

Why?

I thought I could change my name
and my personality

and become some big, flashy rock star,

but I was just kidding myself.

Nobody liked my act.

I guess I just don't have what it takes.

Well, let's face it,

Johnny bravo's nothing but Johnny rotten.

You're right, son.
Johnny bravo doesn't have what it takes,

but Greg Brady does.

He has us,

and this family can accomplish anything.

Alone, we can only move buckets,
but if we work together,

we can drain rivers.

Your father's right.

The eight of us separate are just eight...

Well, with Alice, we're nine, but nine...

Yes, well, technically...

And with Sam, ten.

But ten separate, just ten.

Together, we're a bunch.

Yeah. The Brady bunch.

- What do you say, Greg?
- Please?

Well, what are we waiting for?

Grab some costumes.
We've got to make that contest!

- Okay!
- All right!

I'm so nervous.

Why am I so nervous?

Stop it. You're making me nervous.

All right, let's have
a big hand for phlegm.

Yay!

You sounded hot.

What, are you completely brain-dead?

Leon missed an entire riff.
Didn't you hear it?

I liked it.

You're such a loser.

Hey, Eric!

I'm sick and tired
of seeing you treat Holly that way.

In fact,

I'm sick and tired of you altogether.

You're nothing but a... a big bully.

You're dog meat, Brady.

Do it and die, Eric.

Oh!

Oh!

Hurry, Peter. We're on.

Thanks, Peter.

I think you're really neato.

Oh, yes. I hope everybody's
having a good time, because right now...

Why, thank you, Holly.

I think you're ginger
and Mary Ann combined.

For the Bradys!

- Come on, Peter. That's us.
- See ya.

Good luck.

Thank you, Brady bunch.

- You were great.
- Great.

Let's give the rest of our contestants
a big hand

as ourjudges tally up the scores.

Thank you.

And I have it right here.

The winner of the search for the stars
$20,000 grand prize is...

The Brady bunch?

- Hey, great job.
- Thanks.

They what?
How could those losers win anything?

Look, Eric, you got to stall them for me.

What do you mean, what's in it for you?

All right, you have my permission
to Pierce anything you want.

Just keep 'em from getting here.

Damn kid.

Come on.

Well, here it is.

A check made out
to the Brady bunch for $20,000.

- Come on, gang, let's go.
- Hurry!

All right, everybody.
Let's hear it for them Bradys.

They were something else.
Thanks for coming down.

I hope you had a good time
and we'll see you...

Come on, come on. Let's go, troops!
Come on! Hurry up!

Hey there, groovy chicks.

You're all happening in far-out ways.

Greg, hurry, the house.

- Now, how do you suppose that happened?
- Oh, Mike. What are we going to do?

Marcia, look. It's ourfriend, Eddie.

You remember.
The guy who needed a carjack.

Come on, everybody. He can give us a lift.

- Hey, Eddie!
- Oh, no.

Can you give us a ride?

A ride?

Good afternoon.

Having trouble with the car alarm?

No. It's not our car.
It's our friend Eddie's.

Oh, really? Where are the keys, Eddie?

I lost them.

Oh, no.

But we were counting on you
to give us a ride to our house.

I'll run the plate.

Uh, excuse me, officer,

but I'd hate to ask
a law enforcement official

to bend the rules,
especially for penal code 117

section 33-b,

but our house is at stake.

Please?

It's 2:00. Auction time.

It's exciting, isn't it, Alice?

By the power authorized in me
by the county of Los Angeles,

I hereby offer this property
to the highest bidder,

unless the owner redeems...

Come on, come on, come on.

Okay, I'll start the bidding

at the sum total of back taxes, $20,000.

Do I have any takers?

Say, I've got $20,000.

Stop the auction!

We have the money for the tax bill.

I repeat. Stop the auction.

We have the money for the tax bill.

The house is still ours.

Come on, kids.

Hold everything.

Good news, everybody.
The Bradys are here to stay.

You lied to us, dittmeyer.

- The Bradys aren't selling.
- I knew it!

- You guaranteed us!
- You ruined us, dittmeyer.

- You're going to pay for this.
- Now, hold on, people. Wait a minute.

The man you should be angry with is me,

'cause our house
is more important than money.

This neighborhood
is more important than money.

Tell me, how many times have we
borrowed each other's power tools

or patched up each other's kids?

We know so much about each other.

I know that every January,

Mr. Yeager's going to have
that big super bowl party at his house.

Yeah.

We know that every spring,
Mrs. Simmons is going to have

the prettiest daffodils on the block.

- They are beautiful.
- They are lovely flowers.

We know that at 10:15
every Saturday morning,

Mrs. Topping likes to walk
through her living room naked.

You knew about that?

Call me old-fashioned,
but these things are important,

and they're not for sale.

This is our neighborhood.

And we're staying.

Now, this is going to sound crazy.

But Brady's right.

We're never going to find
another neighborhood like this.

And we'll never find neighbors
like the Bradys.

We're staying too.

Us too.

So are we.

We will, too.

Great.

Gosh, I wish I lived here.

I mean, it's incredible.

You people are all staying,

because one family

is willing to stand up
for what they believe in?

Well, that and the huge settlement

we're going to get
after we sue dittmeyer's ass.

Oh, Mike.

I always knew you could hit a grand slam.

And now we can stay
in our house after all.

Hey, do you know who'd
love to hear about this?

Grandma!

Hey.

Hi, everybody.

Wait a minute.

Look how pretty you have gotten.

Oh, those clothes.

What taste.

And that smile.

Oh, marcia, you are such a beauty.

Everyone loves marcia.

No one loves you.

Watch my head spin. Ki/I, kill, kill!

No, stop it! I can't take it anymore!

Shut up, you loser!

Jan! Cut the crap.

They're gone. Thank you, grandma.

Oh, there.

Cindy.

Oh, Cindy.

Why does jan get all the attention?

Yeah. It's always jan, jan, jan.