All language subtitles for Jim Norton Please Be Offended

[electricity buzzing]

[cheers and applause]

- JIM NORTON PRE-SHOW INTERVIEW,
MARKER.

- I HAVE TWO SECONDS.

UM, I HAVE ONE MORE
STOP TO MAKE,

AN IMPORTANT STOP,
AND I HAVE TO GET TO THE SHOW.

- UH, OKAY, WHAT DO YOU
LIKE TO DO BEFORE A SHOW?

- BEFORE A SHOW?

UH, I LIKE TO RELAX
AND I LIKE TO FUCK--A LOT.

I WAKE UP EARLY
AND I FUCK FOR HOURS.

- UH, WHY DO THE SHOW
IN CLEVELAND?

- I'M DOING THE SHOW
IN CLEVELAND

'CAUSE MY GIRLFRIEND'S
FROM CLEVELAND,

AND IT'S A FUN CITY.
- YOUR GIRLFR--

CAN WE MEET YOUR GIRLFRIEND?

- MEET MY GIRLFRIEND? NO.

SHE'S--PREGNANT.

- WOW, CONGRATULATIONS.
- THANKS.

WE'RE NOT SURE
IF WE'RE KEEPING IT.

UH, LOOK, CAN WE
DO THIS LATER?

I'M RUNNING LATE
AND I REALLY JUST WANNA

GET TO WHERE
I HAVE TO GO NEXT.

I HAVE ONE MORE
STOP TO MAKE.

LET'S JUST DO THIS LATER.
OKAY?

THANKS, FRIEND.
- HAVE A GOOD SHOW.

- OH, THANK YOU,
THANK YOU.

- [whispering]
I GOTTA GO.

- HAVE A GOOD SHOW, DADDY.

- OOH, WHOA, WHOA,
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

LOOK, I REALLY, REALLY
NEED YOU TO DO THIS.

- I DON'T WANNA DO IT.

NOW WILL YOU FUCK OFF?

- PLEASE.

I'M YOUR BIGGEST FAN.

I NEVER ASKED YOU
FOR ANYTHING.

IT'LL TAKE TWO SECONDS.

- I'M A LITTLE FUCKING BUSY
RIGHT NOW.

- WE'RE NOT IN ANY RUSH.
WE'LL WAIT.

- IF I DO THIS ONE THING,

WILL YOU MAKE ME
A BIG PROMISE?

- SURE.

- THAT YOU WILL NEVER, EVER
BOTHER ME AGAIN

WITH FUCKING AUTOGRAPHS,
PHOTOGRAPHS,

SIGNING YOUR ASS,
ANY-FUCKING-THING.

- YES, I PROMISE.
I SWEAR.

- OKAY.

- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

WILL YOU PLEASE WELCOME
TO THE STAGE

MR. JIM FUCKING NORTON.

[cheers and applause]

- THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THANK YOU.
HOW ARE YOU?

[cheers and applause]

HOW FUCKIN' GREAT
WAS THAT?

I GOT TO FUCK THAT GIRL!

THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH, MAN.

I REALLY AM HAPPY, UH,
TO BE HERE IN CLEVELAND.

I WANTED TO SHOOT THIS
IN CLEVELAND

'CAUSE I REALLY WANTED
TO DO THIS SHOW

AND THEN BE MURDERED
ON THE WAY BACK TO THE HOTEL.

[laughter and applause]

WHERE IS EVERYBODY?

I FEEL LIKE I'M ON THE SET
OF THE WALKING DEAD.

BUT, UH, IT IS REALLY GOOD
TO BE BACK HERE,

AND I MEAN THAT.
IT'S BEEN A COUPLE YEARS

SINCE I PERFORMED
IN CLEVELAND.

AND I WAS IN L.A. RECENTLY
AND I HAD THE WEIRDEST--

IT WAS ACTUALLY ON THE WAY HOME
FROM THAT OZZY SHOOT.

THE WEIRDEST CELEBRITY SIGHTING
ON THE PLANE.

SITTING IN FRONT OF ME--

AL SHARPTON WAS ON THE PLANE,

DIRECTLY IN FRONT--
AND IT WAS SO WEIRD

TO ROOT FOR MY OWN FLIGHT
TO CRASH.

TALK ABOUT MIXED EMOTIONS
AS THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN.

"AAH! AAH!
HA HA!

[laughing]

YAY, FATSO!"

OOH, DO I NOT LIKE
AL SHARPTON.

HE GOT STABBED YEARS AGO
IN BROOKLYN,

AND I FOUND OUT THE GUY
WHO STABBED HIM

IS A BIG FAN OF MINE.
[chuckles]

WHICH IS COOL,
'CAUSE I LIKE HIS WORK, TOO.

I JUST WISH HE WAS BETTER
AT HIS JOB.

'CAUSE SHARPTON
MAKES RACES SO DIFFICULT.

WE ALL TRY
TO DO THE RIGHT THING.

AND WE ALL TRY
TO SAY THE RIGHT THING.

BUT HE MAKES IT EVEN HARDER
THAN IT NEEDS TO BE.

AND THE MEDIA IS THE WORST.

THEY WON'T MENTION RACE

DURING CERTAIN SUSPECT
DESCRIPTIONS.

THAT'S HOW POLITICALLY CORRECT
WE ARE AS A COUNTRY.

I WAS READING
IN THE NEW YORK DAILY NEWS

THE DESCRIPTION
OF A RAPE SUSPECT

AND THEY DIDN'T MENTION
THE GUY'S RACE.

NOW ONCE YOU'RE CAUGHT,
I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE.

BUT IF WE'RE STILL
LOOKING FOR YOU,

HOW ABOUT YOU MENTION
ALL PERTINENT INFORMATION?

SO WE KNOW WHO TO AVOID
ON THE ELEVATOR--

NOT THAT
I'M THE RAPE TARGET,

BUT I THINK YOU UNDERSTAND.

THIS WAS THE POLITICALLY
CORRECT DESCRIPTION THEY GAVE.

THEY SAID, "THE YOUNG MAN
WAS IN HIS 20s,

"APPROXIMATELY 5'9",
185 POUNDS,

AND WAS WEARING
A RED SWEATSHIRT."

UH...

YOU WANNA CUT THE HUNT
IN HALF?

RED SWEATSHIRT, REALLY?

WHY WOULD YOU MENTION
THE THING HE CAN CHANGE,

BUT NOT THE RACE
WHICH HE CAN'T?

WHAT DO YOU THINK, HE'S GONNA
LEAVE THE SWEATSHIRT ON

UNTIL THE MANHUNT IS OVER?

ALL HIS FRIENDS
ARE TELLING HIM,

"YOU MIGHT WANNA
TAKE THAT SWEATSHIRT OFF."

"NO, NO, I COMMIT
ALL THE RAPES IN THIS.

"THIS IS MY LUCKY SWEATSHIRT.

THERE'S A LOT OF BLOOD, AND
HAIR, AND DNA ON THIS BABY."

AND I'M TALKING ABOUT
BLACK PEOPLE AND WHITE PEOPLE.

I'M SURE OTHER GROUPS HAVE THESE
RACIALLY UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENTS.

IT'S NOT JUST BLACK AND WHITE.

I'M SURE KOREAN GUYS HAVE THEM
WITH VIETNAMESE GUYS.

WE WOULD NEVER NOTICE,
BUT I'M SURE IT DOES HAPPEN.

LIKE, I'D BELIEVE YOU IF YOU
TOLD ME THAT'S WHAT IT WAS.

LIKE, "OH, REALLY?
I THOUGHT IT WAS ONE GUY

YELLING AT A MIRROR."

YOU EVER DO SOMETHING
THAT YOU KNOW

MAKES YOU LOOK RACIST,
EVEN THOUGH YOU'RE NOT?

LIKE, I WAS ON A PLANE
AND I'M GETTING

INTO THE ROW TO SIT,
AND THERE'S THREE SEATS.

AND THE WOMAN IN FRONT OF ME
GETTING INTO

THE WINDOW SEAT
WAS A BLACK A WOMAN.

UH, SHE WAS ABOUT
20 YEARS OLD.

AND THEN THERE'S ME.

AND THE WOMAN GETTING INTO
THE AISLE

WAS A BLACK WOMAN
WHO WAS ABOUT 55.

AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAD
MADE ME THINK

THEY WERE
TRAVELING TOGETHER--

[laughter]

BUT MY HEART
WAS IN THE RIGHT PLACE.

I WAS TRYING TO BE
A COURTEOUS, NICE PASSENGER.

AND I'M LIKE, "OH, DO YOU TWO
WANNA SIT TOGETHER?"

YOU EVER WORDS COME OUT
AND YOU IMMEDIATELY

WANNA PUT THEM BACK IN
WITH A SHOTGUN?

I RECOGNIZED
MY MISTAKE FAST,

'CAUSE THE YOUNGER WOMAN
ACTUALLY GOES,

"SIT TOGETHER?"

AND THE OLDER WOMAN
WAS LIKE,

[Jamaican accent]
"WHY WOULD WE?"

UGH.

THEY'RE NOT EVEN FROM
THE SAME PART OF THE EARTH.

I WAS OFF BY OCEANS
AND CONTINENTS.

THE WOMAN SAID,
"WHY WOULD WE?"

THERE'S NO ACCEPTABLE ANSWER
FOR THAT QUESTION.

"'CAUSE YOU'RE BLACK,
THAT'S WHY.

"WE LIKE TO SEAT ALL BLACKS
IN ONE AREA

OF THE AIRCRAFT, MADAME."

I WAS SO HUMILIATED.

I JUST TOOK THE PATH
OF LEAST RESISTANCE.

I'M LIKE, "I'M SORRY.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE LESBIANS."

ENOUGH OF THIS
POLITICALLY CORRECT, POLITE--

AMERICANS SEEM ALMOST PHONY
AT THIS POINT.

WE'RE ALWAYS TRYING
TO AVOID SAY--

WHEN DID WE BECOME
SUCH EASILY OFFENDED,

WHINY FUCKING BABIES?

I NEVER REALIZED HOW MANY
SPORTSWRITERS

WANTED TO WRITE,
"CHINK IN THE ARMOR,"

UNTIL JEREMY LIN SCORES
35 POINTS.

[cheers and applause]

AND THEN THEY CAN'T GET
TO THE KEYBOARDS FAST ENOUGH.

"WONDER IF HE HAS
A CHINK IN THE ARMOR.

WONDER IF HE YELLOW FEVER.
GET IT, GET IT?"

HOLY SHIT.
WE LOVE TO WATCH--

AND I THINK PEOPLE USE
THIS EGGSHELL-WALKING

THAT WE DO
TO THEIR THEIR ADVANTAGE.

LIKE, PEOPLE PLAY
SEMANTICS GAMES.

LIKE, IN NEW YORK, THE BIG STORY
FOR THE LAST COUPLE YEARS,

THEY WANNA PUT A MOSQUE
AT GROUND ZERO IN NEW YORK CITY.

WHICH--YEAH, I WOULD PREFER
THEY DIDN'T.

UM, BUT I DON'T WANT
THE GOVERNMENT TO TELL THEM

THAT THEY CAN'T EITHER.

YOU CAN'T LEGISLATE
ANYTHING WITH RELIGION.

I HAVE NO LEGAL ARGUMENT
AND I REALLY--

HERE'S MY WHOLE
LEGAL ARGUMENT.

"WHY DON'T YOU WANT THAT MOSQUE
AT GROUND ZERO?"

"EH.

I REST MY CASE."

BUT EVERYBODY UNDERSTANDS
WHY THAT FEELS UNCOMFORTABLE.

JUST 'CAUSE IT'S LEGAL,
IT DOESN'T MEAN

THAT YOU HAVE TO DO IT.

I MEAN, IT'S LEGAL,
BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN

YOU SHOULD PUT A CONDOM MACHINE
IN THE LOBBY

OF A RAPE CRISIS CENTER.

AND THE PEOPLE RUNNING
THE MOSQUE PROJECT

WERE PLAYING
THESE WORDS GAMES,

'CAUSE THEY THOUGHT PEOPLE
WOULD BE TOO UNCOMFORTABLE

TO SAY THE TRUTH.

THE GUY WAS LIKE,
"I DON'T KNOW WHY ANYBODY

"WOULD BE OFFENDED BY A MOSQUE
AT GROUND ZERO.

THERE ARE STRIP CLUBS
IN THAT AREA."

THANK GOD.

AND HE'S LIKE, "WHY DOESN'T
THAT OFFEND PEOPLE?"

GEE, I DON'T KNOW, STUPID.

MAYBE THE IMPLICATIONS
ARE A LITTLE DIFFERENT.

GIRLS WITH BIG, GLITTERY TITS
DIDN'T HIJACK PLANES

AND FLY 'EM
INTO THE BUILDINGS.

IF THEY HAD, I'M SURE WE WOULDA
FORGIVEN MUCH QUICKER.

I KNOW I'D BE A LOT MORE
OPEN-MINDED ABOUT IT.

"WELL, THIS GAL'S UPSET.

LET'S SEE
WHAT SHE HAS TO SAY."

AND WHEN DID AIRPORT SECURITY
BECOME

THIS SHOCKING PROCEDURE
IN AMERICA?

I LOVE THE FACT THAT WE ACT
LIKE SUCH

CIVIL LIBERTY VICTIMS
'CAUSE THEY WANNA FRISK US.

[yelling]
"WHY DO THEY HAVE TO FRISK US

AT THE AIRPORT?"

GEE, I DON'T KNOW.

MAYBE BECAUSE WE DON'T
LIVE IN UTOPIA

WHERE A GUY'S WALKING THROUGH
AND THEY'RE LIKE,

"HEY, DO YOU HAVE A BOMB?"

AND HE'S LIKE,
"AH, YA GOT ME. ALL RIGHT."

LIKE, WHAT DO WE EXPECT?
WE DEMAND SAFETY.

WE DEMAND SECURITY.

AND YET, WE BITCH AND MOAN
EVERY STEP OF THE WAY.

AND FEEL VICTIMIZED,
AND PEOPLE ARE LIKE,

"WELL, PROFILING
IS NEVER RIGHT."

BULLSHIT.

WE JUST DON'T LIKE
NEGATIVE PROFILES.

YOU'VE NEVER HEARD
ANYBODY COMPLAIN

ABOUT A POSITIVE PROFILE.

"HEY, IS THAT YOUR KID?
HE LOOKS KIND OF--

HE LOOKS KINDA SMART."

"WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, HIM?

"NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

"NO, NO, HIS MOTHER DRANK
THE ENTIRE TIME

"SHE WAS PREGNANT WITH HIM.

RUINED EVERY--
GO AHEAD, SAY SOMETHING."

[groans]

"YOU SEE? DUMB MOTHERFUCKER.
WATCH IT."

BULLSHIT--IT'S ONLY
A NEGATIVE PROFILE.

AND I GET STOPPED--
70% OF THE TIME

THAT I'M GOING THROUGH
AIRPORT SECURITY,

THEY ASK ME TO STEP ASIDE.

THEY'RE PROFILING ME.

AND THEY DON'T LOOK AT ME
AND THINK,

"ISLAMIC TERRORISM."

THEY LOOK AT ME AND THINK,
"OKLAHOMA, '95."

I LOOK LIKE EVERY DISGRUNTLED,
CREEPY WHITE SHOOTER.

AND IT'S MILDLY ANNOYING
AT WORST.

IT'S NOT THAT BAD.

IT DOESN'T RUIN YOUR LIFE.

THEY'RE LIKE, "COULD YOU
PUSH YOUR ARMS OUT, PLEASE?"

AND ALL RIGHT, YOU FEEL
A LITTLE SELF-CONSCIOUS,

'CAUSE YOU'RE STANDING
IN CRUCIFIXION POSE.

AND TYPICALLY,
NOBODY STANDING LIKE THIS

IS DOING WELL
AT THE MOMENT.

AND, UH, YOU KNOW,
THE PAT DOWN USED TO BE

A QUICK, FUNCTIONARY ONE.

AND NOW IT'S A LITTLE
MORE INVOLVED.

THEY COME UNDER THE WRIST
AND UNDER THE ARMPIT,

DOWN THE TORSO,
AROUND THE WAIST,

ONE HAND ON THE OUTER LEG,

ONE HAND UP ON
THE INNER THIGH.

AND YOU REALLY WANNA
CREEP 'EM OUT

WHEN THEY TOUCH
THE INNER THIGH AND GO--

[moaning]

LET YOUR LEGS BUCKLE
A LITTLE BIT.

[moaning]

GIVE A SEXY LAUGH.

[laughing]

AND THEN THEY PRESS
VERY FIRMLY

ALL THE WAY BACK DOWN
TO YOUR ANKLES

TO SEARCH FOR WEAPONS.

NOW, I ALWAYS WEAR SWEATPANTS
WHEN I FLY.

AND I TAKE CIALIS.

IT'S THE RECIPE
FOR AN AMAZING MOMENT.

AT LEAST ONCE EVERY FLIGHT,
I HAVE TO ELBOW

THE PERSON NEXT TO ME
AND GO, "OOH."

BUT I WAS IN NEWARK AIRPORT
AND IT WAS A YOUNGER TSA GUY.

IT'S LIKE A YOUNGER COP,
THEY'RE A LITTLE OVERZEALOUS.

AND HE WAS VERY FIRMLY
PRESSING DOWN MY LEG,

AND I COULD FEEL THE SWEATPANTS
STARTING TO GO.

AND I WAS GONNA SAY SOMETHING,
BUT I'M LIKE,

"LET IT HAPPEN.

IT'LL BE NICE TO DO THIS
ONCE WITHOUT GETTING ARRESTED."

AND, UH, THEY SLID DOWN
TO ABOUT MID-THIGH.

AND I WAS SO ANNOYED
THAT I HAD ON UNDERWEAR.

I'M LIKE, "THIS COULD HAVE
BEEN THE GREATEST

MOMENT OF MY LIFE."

'CAUSE HE TOLD ME
TO PUT MY ARMS UP.

NOT ONLY WOULD I NOT HAVE
PULLED THE SWEATS UP,

BUT I WOULD HAVE OPENED
MY LEGS NICE AND WIDE--

SO THAT HE COULDN'T
PULL THEM UP EITHER.

[inhales]

"BALLS IN YOUR COURT,
OFFICER."

[cheers and applause]

AND I'LL SAY THIS,
I THINK FOR WOMEN,

THE SEARCHES ARE A BIT
MORE INVASIVE.

SO MAYBE THE TSA NEEDS
TO FIX WHAT THEY DO.

BECAUSE FOR WOMEN
IT'S A BIT MORE TO GO THROUGH.

I THINK YOU GUYS HAVE
A HARDER TIME THAN WE DO.

'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT
I GO THROUGH AS A MAN,

AND IT'S NOTHING.

BUT FOR A WOMAN
TO HAVE TO STAND THERE

AND HAVE YOUR BREASTS
MUSHED TOGETHER,

AND YOUR OWN BREAST MILK
POURED DOWN YOUR THROAT,

AND YOUR BUTTOCKS SEPARATED,
AND--

WHATEVER ELSE I WOULD DO
IF I HAD THAT JOB.

HOW DO YOU NOT
ABUSE THAT POWER?

[mumbling]

[cheers and applause]

"YOU'RE NO TERRORIST."

AND I THINK THE REALLY
ALARMING PART OF THAT JOKE

IS HOW TALL
IS THIS WOMAN?

SO THEN THEY INSTALL THESE
FULL BODY SCANNERS, RIGHT?

WHERE YOU STAND THERE
FOR TEN SECONDS

AND THEY TAKE AN X-RAY
OF YOU.

AND PEOPLE COMPLAIN
ABOUT THAT.

AND IT'S LIKE,
I DON'T KNOW WHAT WE EXPECT,

BUT PEOPLE'S
SELF-CENTEREDNESS--

PEOPLE WERE AFRAID
THAT SOMEBODY

WAS GOING TO CAPTURE
THE IMAGE OF THEM

AND SEE THE PHOTO NEGATIVE
OUTLINE

OF THEIR PENISES,
OR THEIR BREASTS.

OR IN MY CASE BOTH, 'CAUSE
I'M HORRIBLE PHYSICAL SHAPE.

AND YOU WOULD SEE THESE
AWFUL PEOPLE ON THE NEWS.

LIKE, "YOU KNOW, I DON'T WANNA
SEE MYSELF AND MY WIFE

UPLOADED TO THE INTERNET."

NOBODY WANTS TO SEE YOU
AND THAT HORSE

YOU WALKED
DOWN THE AISLE WITH.

YOU POMPOUS IDIOT,
YOU THINK YOU'RE THE COUPLE

I JACK OFF TO WHEN
I'M LOOKING FOR PORN?

THE 45-YEAR-OLD
ACCOUNT EXECUTIVE.

YOU'RE PACKING FIVE INCHES.

YOUR WIFE HAS ONE BREAST
LARGER THAN THE OTHER.

SHE HASN'T SHAVED
IN SIX WEEKS.

HER BUSH LOOKS LIKE
THE BIG RAGOO

FROM LAVERNE & SHIRLEY.

AND LOOK, I WOULD BE
VERY INTERESTED TO HEAR

ANYBODY'S ALTERNATIVE
SOLUTION.

BUT LOOK, HOW DO YOU STOP
THE MENTALITY

OF A GUY LIKE
THE UNDERWEAR BOMBER

WHO THEY JUST GAVE
LIFE IN PRISON TO

NOT TOO, TOO LONG AGO?

HE WAS GOING
TO BLOW HIMSELF UP,

DICK AND BALLS FIRST.

ALL SUICIDE BOMBERS
ARE REPULSIVE.

BUT DICK AND BALLS FIRST.

EVEN THOUGH IT'S ONLY
A NANOSECOND,

THERE'S STILL A NANOSECOND
WHERE YOU'RE LIKE,

"MY DICK AND BALLS
ARE GONE!"

AND I'M NOT A PARANOID GUY,
BUT I AM SCARED

OF PLUNGING 30,000 FEET.

SO WHEN PEOPLE
ARE ALWAYS LIKE--

NOW PEOPLE GET VERY PISSED OFF
AT THIS STANCE I TAKE,

AND I GET ALL THESE EMAILS
FROM THESE CIVIL LIBERTARIANS.

THEY'RE LIKE, "YOU KNOW,
YOU DON'T CARE

"ABOUT YOUR PRIVACY.

"BEN FRANKLIN ONCE SAID,

'HE WHO WILL SACRIFICE
LIBERTY FOR SAFETY

'DESERVES NEITHER LIBERTY
NOR SAFETY.'"

OOH.

DID BEN FRANKLIN SAY THAT?

WELL, FUCK BEN FRANKLIN.

"A," BEN FRANKLIN HAD SLAVES.

"B," BEN FRANKLIN
WORE STOCKINGS.

AND "C," BEN FRANKLIN
NEVER HAD TO WORRY

ABOUT PLUNGING 30,000 FEET

'CAUSE SOME SAVAGE YELLED,
"ALLAHU AKBAR,"

AND BLEW HIS DICK AND BALLS OFF
IN THE CLOUDS.

[cheers and applause]

AND DON'T GET ME WRONG,
I VALUE MY PRIVACY

AS MUCH AS ANY PERSON
IN THE ROOM,

BUT WE'RE A NOSEY COUNTRY.

WHY DON'T WE JUST ADMIT
HOW NOSEY WE ARE?

I'LL BE INTERESTED IN HEARING
PEOPLE TALK ABOUT PRIVACY

WHEN THERE'S AN ACCIDENT
IN THE SOUTHBOUND LANE

AND THE NORTHBOUND LANE
MAINTAINS 65 MILES AN HOUR.

THEN I WILL BELIEVE PEOPLE
WHEN THEY SAY

THEY VALUE PRIVACY.

UNTIL THEN, WE ARE A COUNTRY
OF MORBID JIZZ BUCKETS

WHO LIKE TO WATCH OTHER PEOPLE'S
LIVES GO INTO THE TOILET.

SO LET'S SHUT THE FUCK UP.

[cheers and applause]

ANY EXCUSE TO SAY,
"MORBID JIZZ BUCKETS."

BUT LOOK AT THE TV WE WATCH.

LIKE, WE WATCH STUFF--
IT'S ALL INVADING

OTHER PEOPLE'S LIVES.

HOARDERS IS A POPULAR SHOW.

WE WATCH A SHOW ABOUT PEOPLE
WITH MESSY HOUSES.

LIKE, THEY'RE THE WORST
PEOPLE ON EARTH.

YOU'D NEVER TALK TO THEM
IN REAL-LIFE--

AND LOOK, I'M NOT JUDGING.

I WATCH THOSE SHOWS.

AND I CAN'T GET THROUGH
MORE THAN 20 SECONDS

WITHOUT GOING,
"JUST THROW IT OUT, IT'S SHIT!"

THEY ARE THE MOST SELFISH,

HATEABLE PEOPLE
ON THE PLANET.

[high-pitched mumbling]

"MY THING. ME, ME.

"I CAN'T CLEAN UP.

"EPSTEIN-BARR,
FIBROMYALGIA.

ME, ME."

[cheers and applause]

UGH, AND DON'T YOU HATE THE WAY
THE THERAPISTS CODDLE THEM?

"NOW, WHY DO YOU THINK
YOU'VE BEEN

SAVING BOTTLE CAPS
SINCE 1982?"

"BECAUSE MY MOTHER
YELLED AT ME.

ME, ME, ME."

OH, CLEAN THE HOUSE,
YOU FUCK.

YOU HAVE CAT SHIT
IN THE FREEZER.

EVERY HOARDERS EPISODE
SHOULD START

WITH THEM
GOING TO THE MALL,

AND END WITH THEM
GOING HOME SAYING,

"WHY ARE THERE FIRE TRUCKS
IN FRONT OF MY HOUSE?"

THEN YOU MAKE 'EM
STAND THERE

AND WATCH THEIR FUCKIN'
HOUSE BURN.

AND WHATEVER THEY CAN
RUN IN AND GRAB,

THEY CAN KEEP.

FUCKIN' SMELLY ASSHOLES.

'CAUSE THEY NEVER HOARD
ANYTHING GOOD.

YOU'VE NEVER SEEN A HOARDER
SAVING ANYTHING THAT YOU VALUE.

LIKE, "I DON'T KNOW WHAT DO
WITH ALL THESE

SIGNED MICKEY MANTLE
BASEBALLS."

IT'S ALWAYS UTTER GARBAGE.

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT
I SHOULD DO WITH THIS

BOX OF DOILIES
THAT MOTHER KNITTED."

UH, YOU COULD STAND ON IT
AND HANG YOURSELF.

THAT'S MY SUGGESTION.

YOU SELF-CENTERED GOOSE EGG.

BUT WE'RE A NOSEY COUNTRY.

AND I UNDERSTAND THAT
TELEVISION SHOWS

WHERE THEY'RE VOLUNTARILY
ALLOWING YOU IN THEIR HOUSE

IS A BIT DIFFERENT THAN
THE TSA

FORCING YOU INTO A SEARCH.

BUT I'M ONLY TALKING ABOUT
OUR OVERALL VIEW OF PRIVACY.

UH, LIKE THE DOG WHISPERER.

I LIKE THAT SHOW.

UH, I DIDN'T WANNA
LIKE THAT SHOW.

BUT LOOK WHAT THAT SHOW IS.

WE WATCH A SHOW TO SEE
IF PEOPLE'S POORLY BEHAVED PETS

BEHAVE A LITTLE BETTER
BY THE END OF THE EPISODE.

CAN YOU IMAGINE TEN YEARS AGO
IF SOMEBODY

SUGGESTED THAT YOU?

YOU WOULDA SPIT
IN THEIR FACE.

"I CAN'T GET UP PAST
THE COMMERCIAL,

I GOTTA SEE IF THE LABRADOODLE
QUITS BARKING."

AND I THINK WE ALL WATCH IT,
SECRETLY HOPING FOR A MAULING.

LIKE, YOU WANNA SEE
THAT ONE TIME

WHERE CESAR GOES INTO
A ST. BERNARD

AND YOU JUST HERE LIKE,
"AAH!"

AND THE CAMERA POINTS UP.

AND THEN THE DOG RUNS BY
WITH A SEVERED

MOCHA-COLORED HAND
WITH A WATCH ON IT.

AND THAT NOISE HE MAKES
IS GENIUS.

YEAH.
[hissing]

WHO KNEW?

CENTURIES AND CENTURIES
OF PEOPLE GOING,

"SIT. NO. NO."

DOG'S LIKE,
"GO FUCK YOURSELF."

[hisses]

"ALL RIGHT. I GOT IT.
I GOT IT. I GOT IT.

"I GOT IT. I GOT IT.
NO, I GOT IT.

I GOT IT. I GOT IT.
I GOT IT. I GOT IT."

DON'T YOU WISH THAT WORKED
IN A REAL RELATIONSHIP?

HOW GREAT WOULD THAT BE?

YOU'RE WATCHING TELEVISION,
YOUR GIRL WALKS IN,

"I WANNA--"
[hisses]

[cheers and applause]

AND SHE JUST LAYS ON THE RUG
AND LICKS HER PUSSY.

ANOTHER GREAT EXAMPLE
OF OUR LOVE OF PRIVACY IS--

WHAT ABOUT LOCKUP ON MSNBC?

WHICH I THINK IS ONE
OF THE BEST SHOWS ON TELEVISION.

BUT LOOK
AT WHAT AWFUL PEOPLE.

PRISONERS ARE AWFUL,
AWFUL PEOPLE.

WE TUNE IN EVERY WEEK.

"WONDER WHAT'S GOING ON
IN THEIR LIVES THIS WEEK.

WONDER WHAT THEY'RE
HAVING FOR DESSERT."

AND I THINK MEN WATCH IT,
BECAUSE I THINK FOR MEN,

WHEN WE WATCH IT,
IT'S FOR DIFFERENT REASONS.

I THINK THAT
IT'S A SURVIVAL THING.

WE WANNA SEE AND ANALYZE
HOW WE THINK

WE WOULD DO
IN THAT SITUATION.

AND TO BE VERY HONEST,
I DON'T THINK

I WOULD DO
PARTICULARLY WELL.

'CAUSE THE THINGS
THAT DISGUST A WOMAN,

LIKE MY BUTTERY, SOFT ASS

AND MY "B" CUP TITS,

WOULD MAKE ME A COMMODITY
ON LOCKUP.

THEY'D PROBABLY GET ME
THE FIRST DAY.

SOME GUY DOING 30 YEARS
WOULD WALK OVER.

I'D BE IN THE SHOWER,
HAVING NO IDEA

HOW SEXY I WAS BEING,

SUDSING UP MY BOSOMS.

THE WATER GLISTENING
OFF OF MY BOYISH ASS.

GUY HAS NO TEETH.
HE'S LIKE,

[lisping]
"YO, THESE TITTIES IS NICE."

I DON'T KNOW WHY,
BUT THE LISP

MAKES IT MORE HUMILIATING
FOR SOME REASON.

"YO, LET ME SUCK
THEM TITTIES."

HOW HUMILIATING FOR A MAN
TO HAVE ANOTHER MAN

FORCIBLY SUCKING
YOUR TITS.

AND YOU GOTTA TRY
TO PLAY IT COOL

AND MAINTAIN YOUR DIGNITY.

AND JUST PRAY THAT YOU DON'T
JIZZ ON HIS LEG.

'CAUSE THAT WOULD SEND
THE WRONG MESSAGE.

BUT I THINK EVERY GUY
HAS WALKED HIMSELF

THROUGH A PRISON RAPE
AT LEAST ONCE.

I THINK WE'VE ALL
DONE THAT--

I MEAN, NOT FOR LIKE, "OH, GOD,
HOW MANY WOULD THERE BE?"

I DON'T THINK FOR THAT--
[chuckles]

"THEY'RE MEXICAN.
NO, THEY'RE HAITIAN."

UH, UM...

I THINK WE ALL WALK OURSELVES
THROUGH A PRISON RAPE

JUST TO KINDA FIGURE OUT,
"WHAT WOULD I DO?"

AND I'M NOT A TOUGH GUY
AT ALL.

I'M SMART, SO I WOULD TRY
TO USE MY BRAINS.

LIKE, I WOULD--YOU'RE NOT
FIGHT OFF A BUNCH OF GUYS.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
LIKE, FIVE GUYS JUMP ON YOU.

I'M SURE EVERYBODY YELLS,
"STOP!"

I DON'T THINK THAT'S EVER
WORKED IN THE HISTORY--

LIKE, "OH, SORRY.
FELLAS, LET'S GO.

HE DOESN'T WANNA GET FUCKED.
LET'S GO."

BY THE THIRD GUY,
YOU'RE TRYING ANYTHING.

[makes whooshing noise]

[chuckles]

BUT I WOULD TRY TO USE
A LITTLE BIT OF PSYCHOLOGY.

LIKE, INSTEAD OF FIGHTING
MY WAY OUT IT,

I WOULD FIND ONE
REALLY BIG GUY,

MAYBE IN THE CAFETERIA.

I'D FLIRT WITH HIM
A LITTLE BIT.

TIE MY SHIRT
IN A LITTLE KNOT.

"HI."

GIVE HIM MY PEACH COBBLER.
"HERE, DADDY."

AND THEN I WOULD TAKE HIM
BACK TO MY CELL

AND DROP TO MY KNEES.

SLIDE HIS TROUSERS DOWN.

YEAH.

THEN I WOULD TUG HIS BAG--

UNTIL IT WAS TAFFY-LIKE.

AND THEN I WOULD PUT HIS COCK
IN MY MOUTH.

NOW THERE IS MORE
TO THIS EXPLANATION.

BUT YOU KNOW HOW MUCH
IT WOULD SUCK

IF I JUST HAD A HEART ATTACK
AND DROPPED DEAD RIGHT NOW?

AND THAT WAS
THE LAST THING

ANYBODY EVER HEARD ME SAY.

AND YOU ALL LEFT GOING,
"OH, I GUESS THAT

WAS HIS SOLUTION.
THAT DOESN'T SOUND..."

NOW I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH
COCK I GET IN MY MOUTH,

BUT WITH MY LIFE ON THE LINE,
LET'S HOPE IT'S A WHOLE LOT.

I'D GET AN "A" FOR EFFORT,
BELIEVE ME.

I WOULD--
[grunting]

LOOK LIKE I HAD A CHEEK
FULL OF BIG LEAGUE CHEW.

I'D PUT TWO FINGERS
IN HIS ASS

LIKE I WAS PACKING A PIPE.

[moaning]

AND THEN,
JUST AS HE'S RELAXED,

I WOULD SQUEEZE HIS BALLS

AND GO, "AAH!"

AND SINK MY TEETH
INTO HIS DICK AND RIP.

AND THAT WOULD STOP
THE PRISON RAPE.

AND THAT'S HOW THEY WOULD
FIND ME,

JUST STANDING IN
THE FRONT OF THE CELL

WITH A HALF-EATEN DICK.

"UGH. AAH!"

I SHOULD REPHRASE THAT,
A COMPLETELY UNEATEN DICK.

I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M IMPLYING
THAT I WOULD SNACK

WAITING FOR THE GUARD
TO COME.

[laughter and applause]

AND THEN NOBODY ELSE
WOULD RAPE ME.

"OH, IT'S THE CRAZY BITER,
AAH."

I LIKE TO THINK
THAT'S WHAT I'D DO.

I HOPE THAT'S WHAT I DO.

REALISTICALLY,
I WOULD PROBABLY GO, "AAH!"

AND HE'D GO, "NO TEETH!"

I GO, "OH, I'M SORRY,
DADDY."

[smooching]

"GIVE DADDY'S BOO-BOO
A KISS."

[smooching]

I LIKE TO THINK I'D BE KNOWN
AS THE CRAZY BITER,

BUT I'D PROBABLY JUST BE
THE FAT-TITTED COCKSUCKER--

WHICH IS MY NICKNAME NOW.

AND BY THE WAY,
WHERE WERE ALL THESE PEOPLE

SCREAMING ABOUT
PRIVACY INVASION

WHEN TIGER WOODS'S PERSONAL LIFE
WAS COMING APART?

I DON'T REMEMBER
ONE CIVIL LIBERTARIAN,

OR ONE
CIVIL LIBERTARIAN GROUP,

STICKING UP FOR THIS GUY'S RIGHT
TO HAVE PRIVACY

IN HIS HUMILIATING
PERSONAL LIFE FALLING APART.

AND LOOK,
I'M NOT GONNA LIE.

I ENJOYED READING
TIGER'S TEXT MESSAGES

AS MUCH AS ANYBODY.

THEY WERE FUCKIN' FANTASTIC.

BUT I DON'T MIND
ENJOYING THAT,

'CAUSE I DON'T PRETEND THAT
I'M ANY BETTER THAN HIM.

I ADMIT PUBLICLY, YOU BET
I'M A PIECE OF SHIT.

AND I'M A MUCH BETTER
DIRTY TEXTER

THAN THAT IDIOT WAS.

HE JUST WASN'T
VERY GOOD AT IT.

'CAUSE HE WOULD JUST, LIKE,
KINDA COPY

AND WRITE THINGS HE HEARD
IN PORNO.

IT WAS REALLY AWFUL.

BY THE WAY, THEY DIDN'T EVEN
SHOW WHAT THE GIRL SAID.

THEY WOULD ONLY SHOW YOU
WHAT TIGER SAID.

DIRTY TEXT MESSAGES,
EVEN IN CONTEXT,

ARE VERY DAMAGING.

BUT OUT OF CONTEXT,
THEY LOOK REALLY, REALLY BAD.

AND HE SENT HER ONE,
HE GOES,

"I WANNA CHOKE YOU
AND SLAP YOU IN THE FACE."

THAT LOOKS BAD--

ESPECIALLY WITH NO CONTEXT.

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT
THE GIRL SAID TO INSPIRE THAT.

IT COULD HAVE BEEN ANYTHING.

[female voice]
"I'M GONNA COMMIT GENOCIDE."

"I'M GONNA CHOKE YOU
AND SLAP YOU IN THE FACE."

OR, WHO KNOWS?
MAYBE SHE WAS A HORRIBLE RACIST.

"YOU GOLF PRETTY GOOD
FOR A JIGABOO."

"I'M GONNA CHOKE YOU
AND SLAP YOU IN THE FACE."

OR MAYBE, IT WASN'T EVEN TIGER.

MAYBE HE PUT HIS PHONE DOWN
AT A PARTY

AND BEN ROETHLISBERGER
PICKED IT UP.

[cheers and applause]

BUT I HAVE TO--
IT'S OKAY TO ENJOY THAT STUFF,

AS LONG AS WE STICK UP
FOR PEOPLE

WHEN THEY'RE THROWN
UNDER THE BUS

FOR BEHAVING LIKE WE DO.

BECAUSE, AGAIN,
IT WAS REALLY FUNNY TO WATCH

SUCH A NICE-LOOKING GUY
BE SO COMPLETELY FILTHY.

AND I AM PERVERT FOR REAL.

AND SOME OF HIS TEXT MESSAGES
MADE ME GO,

"OOH, JESUS."

LIKE, HE WROTE ONE,
HE GOES,

"I WANNA FUCK YOU
IN THE ASS,

AND THEN SHOVE MY COCK
DOWN YOUR THROAT."

YOU MIGHT WANNA PUT "LOL"
AFTER THAT.

OR AT LEAST
REVERSE THE ORDER.

NOBODY MINDS IF YOU SHOVE
YOUR COCK DOWN THEIR THROAT

AND THEN FUCK 'EM
IN THE ASS.

THAT'S JUST THE COMMON WAY
OF SAYING,

"HEY, THANKS
FOR A GREAT EVENING."

BUT IF YOU WRITE,
"I WANNA FUCK YOU IN THE ASS."

YOUR NEXT TEXT BETTER BE,
"AND THEN I'M GONNA

"HOP IN THE SHOWER
IMMEDIATELY

"AND SCRUB MY DICK
WITH LAVA SOAP.

AND THEN YOU CAN SUCK IT
IF IT DOESN'T STINK ANY LONGER."

I DON'T REMEMBER A WHOLE LOT
OF PRIVACY ADVOCATES

STANDING UP FOR
MEL GIBSON'S RIGHT

TO FALL APART IN HIS
PERSONAL LIFE IN PRIVATE.

WHERE WERE ALL THE ADVOCATES
WHEN HIS VOICEMAILS

AND THESE CONVERSATIONS
WERE PLAYED

ON ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT
AND ALL OVER THE 6:00 NEWS?

NOT ONE PERSON SAID,
"THIS IS DISGUSTING.

WE SHOULDN'T WATCH THIS."

AND, BOY, DID I LOVE
LISTENING TO THOSE.

I HAVE THEM ON A LOOP
IN MY iPOD.

BUT I DON'T PRETEND
THAT I'VE NEVER--

I LOVE WHAT THESE FUCK--
EVERY GUY ON TV IS JUST--

WHAT A FUCKIN' BUNCH
OF PHONIES,

THESE SPORTSCASTERS
AND NEWSCASTERS

AND PUNDITS ON FOX AND CNN.

THEY'RE ALL LIKE,
"OH, I'VE NEVER

SPOKEN TO A LADY
LIKE THAT BEFORE."

WOW, I GUESS YOU'VE NEVER
HAD A RELATIONSHIP.

THAT'S EVERY ARGUMENT
I'VE EVER BEEN IN.

THEY WERE JUST SEXUAL THINGS.

WE'VE HAD A RELATIONSHIP
FALL APART

AND YOU START ARGUING
ABOUT THE SEX.

AND THESE THINGS
WERE HILARIOUS.

LIKE, AT ONE POINT,
SHE GOES--SHE'S LIKE,

SHE GOES, "I DON'T KNOW
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU."

AND HE GOES, "YOU WERE
SUPPOSED TO SUCK MY DICK

BEFORE THE JACUZZI!"

[laughter and applause]

AND PEOPLE WERE LIKE,
"HE'S CRAZY."

IS HE?

A PROMISE IS A PROMISE.

OBVIOUSLY A DISCUSSION
HAD TAKEN PLACE.

THEY WERE GOING
IN THE JACUZZI.

SHE WAS GONNA SUCK
HIS DICK FIRST.

THAT SOUNDS FAIR.

I DON'T HAVE A JACUZZI,
BUT IF I EVER GET ONE,

YOU WILL ABSOLUTELY
HAVE TO SUCK MY DICK

BEFORE YOU SET FOOT IN IT.

I'LL EITHER TELL YOU,
OR YOU CAN

READ THE SIGN THAT'S POSTED.

NOW, I DON'T KNOW
WHAT HAPPENED.

I DON'T KNOW WHY
SHE DIDN'T SUCK HIS DICK.

BUT I THINK IF MEN
ARE BEING HONEST,

AND NOT SANCTIMONIOUS,

VERY FEW THINGS
ARE AS ENRAGING

AS A PROMISED BLOWJOB
NOT DELIVERED.

WE DON'T WANNA HEAR
YOUR EXCUSES.

WE HAVE NO EMPATHY.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
DEATH IN THE FAMILY?

WASN'T YOU.

SO WHAT ARE YOU SAYING,
YOUR MOUTH AND TEAR DUCTS

DON'T WORK
AT THE SAME TIME?

WHY DON'T WE 69?

YOU CAN BLOW ME
AND CRY ON MY BALLS.

THAT WOULD FEEL FANTASTIC.

MEL GIBSON IS HILARIOUS.

EVERYTHING HE SAID
BELONGS ON A HAT--

[chuckles]
OR A COFFEE MUG--

OR IN A BOOK
OF MORNING AFFIRMATIONS.

ONE BEAUTIFUL QUOTE
AFTER ANOTHER.

AND THE BIGGEST ONE,
THE MOST FAMOUS QUOTE,

SHE'S LIKE, "I DON'T KNOW
WHAT YOU WANT ME TO DO."

AND HE GOES, "WHY DON'T
YOU SMILE AND FUCKIN' BLOW ME?"

I GOT A CHILL
WHEN I HEARD THAT.

THAT'S RIGHT UP THERE WITH,

"ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN."

WAS ANYBODY SURPRISED,
BY THE WAY,

THAT ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER
CHEATED ON HIS WIFE?

NO!

I THINK WE WERE SURPRISED
AT HIS CHOICE.

"WOW, I GUESS ARNOLD
WANTED TO FUCK

THE BASSIST FROM VAN HALEN."

WHAT A FAT MONSTER
THAT MAID WAS.

WHAT, HE MET HER ON THE SET
OF TOTAL RECALL

WHEN HER HEAD WAS COMING APART
IN THE AIRPORT?

"TWO WEEKS.
TWO WEEKS."

JESUS, BE MORE SELECTIVE.

WHAT DID HE PULL
HIS PENIS OUT IN THE KITCHEN,

"FIRST WOMAN THAT WALKS BY
IS GETTING THIS

"STUCK IN HER DUMPER.

YOU, FATTY WITH THE DISH TOWEL,
GET OVER HERE."

I'LL BE YOU THAT ARNOLD,
BECAUSE HE'S SUCH

A DOMINANT, ALPHA MALE,
IS PROBABLY

A BIG SUBMISSIVE SEXUALLY.

AND BECAUSE THAT MAID
HAD TO HUSTLE

FOR EVERYTHING IN HER LIFE,
SHE PROBABLY JUST READ HIM

BETTER THAN
HIS OWN WIFE DID.

LIKE, EVERY GIRL THAT
LAYS THERE

PROBABLY BORES HIM AND JUST
SAYS STUPID SHIT LIKE,

"OOH, TERMINATE ME, OOH!"

AND MEANWHILE, THE MAID
THREW HIM ON THE FLOOR,

STUCK HER FEET IN HIS MOUTH,
"YOUR MOVIES ARE TERRIBLE."

[moaning]

"YOU SOUND LIKE
A RETARD WHEN YOU TALK."

[moaning]

AND MARIA SHRIVER,
BY THE WAY, IS TOO SKINNY.

WHAT DOES SHE WEIGH,
110 POUNDS?

ARNOLD'S A BIG GUY.

HE PROBABLY GOT TIRED
OF CLIMBING ON

AND JAMMING IT IN
AND HER GOING,

"AAH! AAH! OH!"

[moaning]

AND THEN HE GOT THAT FUCKIN'
WILDEBEEST IN THE SACK.

HE COULDN'T HURT HER PUSSY
IF HE HIT WITH AN ANVIL.

[laughter and applause]

UM, AND I DON'T KNOW WHY
WE JUDGE POLITICIANS

ON THIS STUFF.

BECAUSE EVERY ONE OF THEM
IS AT BEST A LIAR.

THAT'S THE BEST THEY'LL--

IT'S LIKE CHOOSING
YOUR FAVORITE RAPIST.

THE BEST HE WILL EVER BE
IS A RAPIST

WHO DOESN'T MACE HER AND HIT HER
IN THE HEAD WITH A BRICK.

THE ONLY POLITICIAN
I REALLY, REALLY HATE--

AND I DON'T EVEN WANNA
HATE HIM,

'CAUSE IT'S TOO PREDICTABLE
OF A POSITION

FOR A COMEDIAN TO TAKE,
TO HATE THE ARCHCONSERVATIVE,

BUT RICK SANTORUM, I REALLY,
REALLY DETEST AS A PERSON.

AND HERE'S WHY I HATE HIM.
I'LL EXPLAIN WHY.

NOT JUST BECAUSE
HE'S CONSERVATIVE.

I HATE ANYONE WHO WANTS
TO LEGISLATE

AGAINST GAY MARRIAGE.
IT JUST ANNOYS ME.

'CAUSE HE WANTS TO GO AFTER
GAY MARRIAGE, HEAVY METAL--

AND IT'S LIKE, COME ON,
GAY MARRIAGE AND HEAVY METAL?

THAT COVERS THE EARS,
THE MOUTH, AND THE ASSHOLE.

ANY OTHER HOLES YOU WANNA
REGULATE, YOU FUCK?

I DON'T PRAY OFTEN,
BUT WHEN I DO,

IT'S THAT RICK SANTORUM
IS ARRESTED

FOR BLOWING SOMEBODY
IN A REST AREA.

[cheers and applause]
UGH.

I HAVE NEVER WANTED TMZ
SO BADLY

TO GET A PHOTO OF A GUY
PULLING HIS MOUTH

OFF A HOLE
IN A BATHROOM STALL.

[imitates buzzing noise]
THAT'S THE SOUND OF THE CAMERA.

[imitates buzzing noise]

WITH A LARGE PENIS HANGING--

HANGING, OF COURSE,
BECAUSE IT'S JUST BEEN DRAINED

BY A PROFESSIONAL.

WITH A LITTLE PIECE
OF SPITTLE CONNECTING--

YEAH, YEAH.

'CAUSE HE DOES IT
TO THE ROOT.

[groaning]

FUCKIN' ASSHOLE.

AND I ALSO HATE HIM--

I DON'T HATE HIM
BECAUSE HE'S PRO-LIFE.

I HAPPEN TO BE PRO-CHOICE.

BECAUSE I'M STILL HAVING SEX
AND I CAN'T KEEP

AN ERECTION WITH A CONDOM,
SO ABORTIONS ARE GOOD.

REALLY--NOT ONLY
ARE ABORTIONS GOOD,

BUT I STOCK UP ON
MORNING AFTER PILLS

JUST TO SLIP IN YOUR BEVERAGE--
"GO AHEAD, KNOCK YOURSELF OUT."

"WHY IS IT FIZZING?"

"EH, IT'S A LITTLE CONCOCTION
CALLED, 'THE TUITION SAVER.'

GO AHEAD, ENJOY."

SO I DON'T HATE HIM
BECAUSE HE'S PRO-LIFE,

BUT I DO HATE HIM
BECAUSE HE THINKS

EVEN IF A WOMAN IS RAPED,
OR IS A VICTIM OF INCEST,

SHE SHOULD HAVE
TO KEEP THE BABY.

IT'S LIKE, "WHAT THE FUCK?"

HE'S LIKE, "WELL, EVEN
A RAPE BABY IS A GIFT FROM GOD."

IT'S A SHITTY GIFT,
DON'T YOU THINK?

AND BEING GOD,
COULDN'T HE FIGURE OUT

A BETTER WAY
TO GET THE GIFT TO THE WOMAN?

"I WANT TO BESTOW LIFE
UPON THIS WOMAN."

"WELL, SHE DOES NOT
HAVE A HUSBAND, LORD."

"THEN LET THAT GUY
IN THE RED SWEATSHIRT

"FUCK HER IN THE ALLEY,
NOW!

I WANT THAT GIFT
IN HER PUSSY!"

"ALL RIGHT, I HEARD YA.
I HEARD YA, LORD, SORRY."

IT'S A GIFT,
SO I GUESS THAT MEANS

IT WOULDN'T BE A CRIME
IF I WENT

TO RICK SANTORUM'S HOUSE
AND JERKED OFF OVER HIS FACE

AS LONG I YELLED,
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY,"

AS I JIZZED IN HIS EYE.

I NEED A WOMAN, BADLY.

I NEED A WOMAN--

I HAVE BEEN SINGLE
FOR TEN MONTHS NOW.

- WHOO!

- WHOO, ONE FAT GIRL.

[laughter and applause]

[chuckles]

I CAN'T SEE YOU, MISS.

BUT THE FACT THAT YOU WENT,
"WHOO!"--

YOU GOTTA BE PUSHING 350.

[laughter and applause]

I DON'T GET NERVOUS
ONSTAGE AT ALL.

I REALLY DON'T.
THIS IS COMPLETELY COMFORTABLE.

BUT FOR SOME REASON,
THOSE ONE-ON-ONE,

AWKWARD SOCIAL MOMENTS

ABSOLUTELY RUIN ME.
AND I'M 43 YEARS OLD.

IT'S NOT CUTE TO BE SHY
AT MY AGE.

BEING SHY IS CUTE WHEN
YOU'RE, LIKE, 21 OR 22.

YOU KNOW, YOU WALK UP LIKE,
"HI."

[giggles]

WOMEN, YOU'RE LIKE,
"OH, GET OVER HERE.

YOU'RE CUTE."

YOU KNOW, IF YOU'RE TRYING
TO FUCK PAUL LYNDE.

HORRIBLE IMPRESSION
OF A WOMAN, THAT WAS.

I CLEAR MY THROAT A LOT,

WHICH YOU DON'T EVEN NOTICE WHEN
YOU'RE TALKING TO ANOTHER GUY.

AND I NEVER REALIZED
HOW GROSS IT WAS

UNTIL GOT THAT LOOK.

'CAUSE I THINK
I'M LACTOSE INTOLERANT,

NOTHING TO BE ALARMED ABOUT.

I'M GONNA BE OKAY.

BUT CERTAIN FOODS
JUST MAKE ME, LIKE--

[clears throat]
WHICH IS SICKENING.

IF YOU'RE LIKE,
"SO, I--"

[clears throat]

AND I KNOW I DO THIS,
AND I'M SUCH AN ASS.

YOU'D THINK I WOULD
AVOID CERTAIN FOODS.

BUT I'M AT THE BAR
AND I'M LIKE,

"YEAH, THE LADY WILL HAVE
A VODKA

AND A BUTTERMILK FOR ME,
PLEASE."

THEN FOR 35 MINUTES
I'LL BE LIKE--

[clears throat]

"NO, IT'S JUST MUCUS AND
PHLEGM CLINGING

TO MY VOCAL CHORDS AS I TRY
TO GET YOUR UNDERPANTS OFF."

IT'S EVEN WORSE
IF YOU'RE GOING DOWN ON HER,

'CAUSE SHE'S JUST
GONNA BLAME HERSELF.

[clears throat]

[clears throat]

"NO, NO, IT'S NOT YOU.
IT'S ME.

"I HAD A DAIRY PRODUCT
EARLIER.

"I WAS ON MY WAY OVER
AND I WAS EATING CHEESE

OUT OF A BAGGIE."

YOU ALWAYS SOUND LIKE
YOU'RE LYING

WHEN YOU CLEAR YOUR THROAT.

EVEN IF YOU'RE BEING
PERFECTLY HONEST,

YOU SOUND LIKE A LIAR.

"DID YOU TOUCH THAT CHILD?"

[clears throat]
"NO."

THEN YOU GOTTA QUICKLY TURN
YOUR PENN STATE HAT AROUND.

[cheers and applause]

NOW, I UNDERSTAND.

THAT WAS A TRAGIC
SET OF EVENTS.

BUT FOR COMEDIANS,
IT WAS A DREAM COME TRUE.

AND ENOUGH WITH PEOPLE
GETTING MAD

ABOUT MAKING FUN OF THAT.

I'M TIRED OF FUCKIN'
JOE PATERNO,

EVERYBODY SAYING
WHAT A LEGEND HE WAS.

LOOK, I'M SURE
HE WAS A GREAT GUY.

BUT AS FAR AS I WAS
CONCERNED,

WHEN PRETTY CONVINCING
PEDOPHILIA ALLEGATIONS AROSE,

HE DIDN'T DO ENOUGH.
SO, FUCK HIM.

WHEN HE DIED,
I MADE FUN OF HIM.

YOU KNOW, PEOPLE--
AND THEN HE GAVE

THAT SELF-SERVING
PRESS CONFERENCE,

WHICH WAS REALLY IRRITATING.

HE'S LIKE, "I REALLY LOVED
MY TIME AT PENN STATE."

WELL, OF COURSE YOU DID.

YOU WEREN'T BEING FUCKED
IN THE SHOWER, STUPID.

WHY WOULDN'T YOU?

[laughter and applause]

AND THERE'S THAT STUPID STATUE
OF HIM IN FRONT OF PENN STATE.

SO I JUST TWITTERED--
I TWITTERED, UH,

"HEY, IF YOU GET RAPED
AT PENN STATE,

"JUST TELL THE STATUE,

"'CAUSE IT COULDN'T POSSIBLY
DO LESS FOR YOU

THAN THE REAL JOE PATERNO
WOULD HAVE."

[cheers and applause]

AND PEOPLE WENT, "HEY, BUDDY,
HE WAS A LEGEND!"

YEAH, WELL, SO WAS O.J.

WE SAW HOW THAT WORKED OUT.

AND I DON'T KNOW
WHAT HAPPENED.

I DON'T KNOW
IF THE GUY IS GUILTY.

BUT LET'S JUST,
AS AN OUTSIDER,

WHEN YOU HEARD THAT A MAN
NAMED JERRY SANDUSKY

WAS ACCUSED OF PEDOPHILIA,

DIDN'T IT JUST SOUND RIGHT?

"WHO MOLESTED THOSE KIDS?"

"SANDUSKY!"

"I'LL BET HE DID.

WHAT HAPPENED?"

"MCQUEARY TURNED HIM IN."

"UGH.

WHO'S THAT?"

"THE REDHEAD."

"UGH."

THAT'S THE LAST THING
YOU NEED

WHEN YOU'RE COMMITTING
A SEXUAL CRIME IN THE SHOWER,

TO LOOK THROUGH THE STEAM
AND SEE CHUCKY STARING AT YOU.

THAT FUCKIN' HORRIBLE
PITTSBURGH ACCENT,

"WHAT'S GOING ON IN THERE?

WHAT'S GOING ON IN THAT
SHOWER IN THERE?"

[laughter and applause]

AND YOU'RE LIKE, "OH, FUCK,
I KNOW HE'S GONNA SNITCH."

THE ONLY THING WORSE
THAN A MOLESTING COACH

IS A TATTLING GINGER.

YOU'RE IN THE SHOWER,
YOU LOOK OUT,

YOU FEEL LIKE
YOU'RE BEING RICKROLLED.

AND THERE'S A CONVENTIONAL
WISDOM IN THIS COUNTRY

THAT WHEN YOU GET
IN TROUBLE,

THE THING TO DO
IS SHUT YOUR MOUTH

AND LAWYER UP.

TALK TO NOBODY
BUT YOUR ATTORNEY.

AND I'VE ALWAYS SAID,
"NO, GO OUT,

PROCLAIM YOUR INNOCENCE."

BUT THEN I'VE BEEN LISTENING
TO THESE SANDUSKY INTERVIEWS,

WOW.

SHUT YOUR MOUTH, LAWYER UP.

I HAVE NEVER HAD ANYBODY
CONVINCE ME OF THEIR GUILT

SO MUCH BY PROCLAIMING
THEIR INNOCENCE.

I DON'T KNOW IF HE'S
TELLING THE TRUTH,

BUT HIS EXCUSES JUST
DON'T SEEM BELIEVABLE.

'CAUSE THEY'RE LIKE, "WHAT WAS
GOING ON IN THAT SHOWER?"

HE GOES,
"AH, THAT WAS HORSEPLAY."

"DID HE SAY HORSEPLAY?"

YOU'D THINK HE WOULDA
BOUNCED THAT OFF A FRIEND

BEFORE HE SAID THAT
TO THE MEDIA.

FIRST OF ALL, NOBODY
UNDER 90 SAYS, "HORSEPLAY."

AND HAS THAT EVER BEEN
AN ACCEPTABLE EXPLANATION

FOR A PERCEIVED
CHILD MOLESTING?

"WHAT'S GOING ON IN THERE?"

"JUST A LITTLE HORSEPLAY."

"OH, THANK GOD.

"'CAUSE FOR A SECOND,
IT LOOKED LIKE

"YOU WERE RAPING THE KID
UP AGAINST THE WALL.

"I HEARD THE SLAPPING SOUND.

"AND YOU'RE PRESSED UP
AGAINST HIM.

"AND HE'S CRYING, AND--

"THANK GOD IT WAS JUST
A LITTLE GOOD-NATURED

"JOSHING AROUND.
WHEW.

GUESS THAT WAS RED KOOL-AID
RUNNING DOWN THE DRAIN."

[audience "oohs" and laughter]

HORSEPLAY, OKAY, GOOD.

THAT MIGHT HAVE WORKED
IN THE 1940s, WHEN EVERYBODY--

NO ONE TALKED ABOUT
PEDOPHILIA, FIRST OF ALL.

AND ADULTS WERE
ALWAYS BELIEVED.

AND PEOPLE ALL SOUNDED LIKE
THEY WERE

IN A DETECTIVE MOVIE
ANYWAY.

YOU KNOW, "WHAT'S GOING ON
IN THAT SHOWER, SEE?"

"AH, NOTHING, COPPER.

"THIS BOY'S GOT STOLEN CANDY

AND I'M FISHING IT OUT
OF HIS HINEY, SEE."

IN THE SHOWER, WEARING A SUIT
AND A FEDORA.

AND I THOUGHT BOB COSTAS
DID A GOOD JOB

WHEN HE INTERVIEWED
SANDUSKY.

HE ASKED SOME REALLY GOOD
QUESTIONS.

UM, BUT SANDUSKY JUST
CREEPED ME OUT.

THE SOUND OF HIS VOICE
MADE ME GO LIKE, "WOW."

'CAUSE BOB COSTAS WAS LIKE,

"WELL, WHY WOULD MCQUEARY
LIE ABOUT

WHAT HE SAW IN THAT SHOWER?"

AND SANDUSKY'S LIKE,

[gravelly voice]
"I DON'T KNOW, BOB.

YOU'LL HAVE TO ASK HIM."

UGH.

ARE YOU JERKING OFF NOW?

AND HERE'S A WORD
OF ADVICE,

IF YOU'RE EVER ACCUSED
OF BEING A PEDOPHILE,

AND BOB COSTAS SAYS,

"ARE YOU SEXUALLY ATTRACTED
TO CHILDREN?"

HOW 'BOUT THIS?
SAY, "NO."

IT'S A TWO LETTER,
ONE WORD ANSWER.

"NO."

YOUR ANSWER SHOULD NEVER
BE LONGER THAN THAT,

UNLESS YOU'RE GOING,
"NOO!

"NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO
NO, NO, NO.

NO! NO."

BUT YOU SHOULD NOT GO,
"WELL, I LIKE YOUNG PEOPLE.

I ENJOY BEING AROUND
YOUNG PEOPLE."

THERE'S A SEMICOLON AND
20 WORDS IN THAT ANSWER,

YOU FUCKIN' CREEP.

THAT'S THE RULE OF THUMB.

IF SOMEBODY SAYS, "ARE YOU
SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO CHILDREN?"

IF THE FIRST WORD OF YOUR
ANSWER IS, "WELL,"

YOU'RE GUILTY.

[laughter and applause]

YEAH, AND I'M GLAD
YOU'RE LAUGHING AT THIS.

IT'S OKAY,
IT'S ANTI-PEDOPHILE.

SO IF YOU'RE OFFENDED
BY THIS MATERIAL--

WE KNOW WHAT YOU
ENJOY DOING.

LOOK, IF YOU'RE WITH SOMEBODY
RIGHT NOW AND THEY'RE LIKE,

"I DON'T THINK THIS
IS VERY APPROPRIATE AT ALL.

HE SHOULDN'T BE JOKING
ABOUT THIS."

CHECK THEIR HARD DRIVE.

BECAUSE HERE'S THE MENTALITY
OF PEOPLE WHO ARE OFFENDED.

YOU KNOW WHO GOT REALLY MAD
AT ME ON TWITTER

FOR A JERRY SANDUSKY JOKE?

MARGIE PHELPS.

NOW, YOU KNOW WHO
MARGIE PHELPS IS.

SHE'S A MEMBER
OF THE WESTBORO BAPTIST CHURCH.

YOU KNOW,
THOSE FUCKING AWFUL PEOPLE.

THEY HATE GAYS SO MUCH
THEY PROTEST THE FUNERALS

OF OUR DEAD TROOPS, BECAUSE
THEY THINK THAT GOD IS PUNISHING

AMERICA FOR HOMOSEXUALITY
BY KILLING SOLDIERS.

SO THEY'LL STAND OUTSIDE
A SOLDIER'S WAKE

WITH SIGNS GOING LIKE,
"GOD HATES FAGS."

AND, "GOD LOVES
DEAD SOLDIERS."

AND YOU CAN'T HIT THEM.

IT'S A FREE SPEECH ISSUE.
YOU CANNOT HIT THEM.

BUT I DO LOOK FORWARD
TO THE DAY

WE CAN GIVE PEOPLE AIDS
THROUGH EMAIL.

[laughter and applause]

SO I DID A SANDUSKY JOKE.

IT WAS A WORDPLAY JOKE.
I FORGET WHAT--

THE HEADLINE OF THE DAY
WAS SOMETHING LIKE,

"JERRY SANDUSKY REFUSES
TO FACE ACCUSERS."

SO I WROTE SOMETHING LIKE,
"WELL, OF COURSE HE DOESN'T

"WANT TO FACE HIS ACCUSERS.

HE'D RATHER
STAND RIGHT BEHIND THEM."

WHICH WAS RATHER CHEEKY OF ME,
I THOUGHT.

I ACTUALLY MADE THAT FACE
AFTER I SAID IT.

SO MARGIE PHELPS
QUOTES MY TWEET

AND THEN RETWEETS IT AND WRITES,
"YOU MOCK SIN."

AND THEN WRITES
THE HASHTAG, "DOOMED."

WHICH MADE ME FEEL GOOD,
WHEN I THOUGHT ABOUT IT.

AND I ADDRESSED HER
ON TWITTER,

BUT SHE'S, LIKE,
A RELIGIOUS FANATIC,

SO I TRIED TO BE RESPECTFUL.

I'M LIKE, "WITH ALL
DUE RESPECT,

"WHAT WOULD YOU DO
IF YOU MET GOD,

AND HE CALLED YOU A CUNT?"

[laughter and applause]

"BECAUSE YOU ARE,
AND HE WOULD, MADAME."

I THINK THEY ACTUALLY
CUT THAT PART OUT OF THE BIBLE.

CHRIST IS ON THE CROSS
AND HE SAID,

"FORGIVE THEM FATHER,
FOR THEY KNOW NOT WHAT THEY DO,

"EXCEPT FOR THAT PACK OF CUNTS
FROM KANSAS.

BURN THEM FROM THE INSIDES
OF THEIR ASSHOLES OUTWARD."

I DO NOT UNDERSTAND
PEDOPHILES AT ALL.

AND I DON'T THINK I'M TAKING
A BIG SOCIAL RISK BY SAY--

THIS IS NOT, "THE COMEDIAN
GETS INSIGHTFUL."

LIKE, "I DON'T UNDERSTAND
PEDOPHILES."

"PRETTY BRAVE STANCE, JIM."

AND THE REASON I HATE
PEDOPHILES SO MUCH

AND I THINK THEY HAVE
TO BE EXECUTED,

IS I JUST CAN'T COMPREHEND
THAT SEXUAL ATTRACTION.

AND AGAIN, I'M A DIRTBAG.

MOST THINGS I UNDERSTAND.

EVEN ANIMAL FUCKING,
I HAVE MIXED FEELINGS ABOUT.

AND I WILL EXPLAIN
THAT STATEMENT.

I'M NOT JUST GONNA LEAVE THAT
AND WALK AWAY.

BUT CHILDREN ARE SO
COMPLETELY UNSEXY.

HOW DOES THAT ENERGY
TURN YOU ON?

THE INCESSANT QUESTIONS ALONE
WOULD KILL MY ERECTION.

"WHY IS THE SKY BLUE?
IS THERE A SANTA CLAUS?"

"SHUT UP!"

AND I WOULD NEVER LET ANYBODY
WITH HANDS THAT STICKY

GRAB MY DICK.

I DON'T LIKE BEING AROUND
KIDS AT ALL.

'CAUSE IN THIS DAY IN AGE,
ANYTHING COULD BE MISCONSTRUED.

AND YOU NEVER WANNA BE
ON THE RECEIVING END

OF A MISUNDERSTANDING
WITH SOMEONE'S KID.

LIKE, UH, YOU KNOW,
I THINK MOST PEOPLE

ACCUSED OF PEDOPHILIA
DID IT.

BUT LET'S BE HONEST,
THERE ARE CERTAIN PEOPLE,

THE ODDS WOULD DICTATE,
WHO DIDN'T DO IT.

AND YOU NEVER WANNA
BE THAT GUY

WHO HAS TO EXPLAIN THAT
FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE.

"HEY, DIDN'T YOU MOLEST
A BUNCH OF KIDS?"

"NO, NO, NO, NO.

"THEY SAID I DID, BUT...

"WE CLEARED IT OFF
YEARS LATER, YOU KNOW.

"I DON'T KNOW, THEY SAID, LIKE,
I RAPED THEM OR WHATEVER.

"BUT THEY SAID NO LATER.

BUT, UH, IF YOU'RE HIRING,
I'M STILL AVAILABLE."

[laughter and applause]

AND NOW, THE REASON I SAID
I WAS UP IN THE AIR

ON ANIMAL FUCKING.

PERSONALLY,
I WOULD NEVER DO IT.

BUT I DON'T THAT WE SHOULD
NECESSARILY

DEMONIZE PEOPLE WHO DO.

I THINK IT ALL DEPENDS
ON THE SIZE OF THE ANIMAL.

I THINK--

THERE HAS TO BE
A HEIGHT-TO-WEIGHT RATIO.

LIKE, IF YOU'RE FUCKING
A COW--

YOU'RE NOT HURTING
THE COW.

SOMEBODY WOULD TELL THE COW,
"YOU KNOW,

THAT'S GUY'S FUCKING YOU."
THE COW WOULD BE LIKE,

"OH, I THOUGHT WE WERE
TAKING A PICTURE, ALL RIGHT."

YOU KNOW, IF YOU'RE FUCKING
A MINI-DOBERMAN PINSCHER

OR A CHICKEN,
YOU'RE A PIECE OF SHIT

WHO'S A BULLY AND YOU SHOULD
BE EXECUTED.

'CAUSE YOU'RE JUST A GUY
WITH A SMALL DICK

WHO'S TRYING TO HURT
SOMETHING SMALLER THAN HIMSELF.

AND YOU'VE NEVER MADE
A WOMAN GO, "OW!"

SO YOU FIGURE THE CHICKEN GOES--
[gobbles]

AND YOU'RE LIKE,
"FUCK IT, I'LL TAKE IT.

I'LL TAKE IT."

BUT I DON'T WANNA PUNISH
SOMEBODY.

FIRST OF ALL,
MY ERECTIONS ARE SO TENTATIVE,

IF THE PHONE RINGS,
I AM LIMP FOR A HALF HOUR.

HOW ANYBODY KEEPS AN ERECTION
WHILE LOCKING A BARN DOOR,

SETTING UP A LADDER,
KICKING HAY OUT OF THE WAY,

HOLDING A TAIL,
AND FUCKING AN ANIMAL

WITH A BELL AROUND ITS NECK--

IF YOU CAN EJACULATE
LIKE THAT,

WE SHOULD ELECT YOU
TO CONGRESS.

'CAUSE YOU'RE A PERSON
WHO'S NOT GONNA BUCKLE

TO SPECIAL INTEREST PRESSURE.

"VOTE FOR ME.

I FUCKED A RHINO
FOR 45 MINUTES."

[laughter and applause]

I WOULD BE VERY HES--
HESITANT, WHAT A DOUCHE.

I WOULD VERY NEGLIGENT
IF I DID NOT MENTION--

OF COURSE, YOU GUYS
KNOW WHO'S HERE,

OPIE AND ANTHONY.

THANK YOU, GUYS, VERY MUCH
FOR COMING.

[cheers and applause]

THANK YOU, GUYS.

AND THANK YOU, ANTHONY,
FOR DRESSING UP.

JESUS.

OH, I LOVE THOSE TWO.

WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT
IF THEY DIDN'T REALIZE

WE WERE GONNA CUT TO THEM,
AND THEY WERE BOTH

JUST LIKE,
"OH, BOY."

[laughter and applause]

YOU KNOW HOW JEALOUS
I'D BE?

I'D HAVE TO GO OVER
AND SIT BETWEEN THEM.

"ME, ME.

ME, ME."

THANK YOU, GUYS
FOR COMING, MAN.

I DO APPRECIATE IT.

AND THANK YOU, GUYS
FOR SUPPORTING THE RADIO SHOW.

WE KNOW THAT YOU DO.
THANK YOU.

[cheers and applause]

NOW HERE'S THE HARD PART
I'VE HAD MEETING WOMEN.

IT REALLY IS VERY, VERY
DIFFICULT TO FIND SOMEBODY

THAT KNOWS HOW TO FUCK YOU.

MY LAST GIRLFRIEND
WAS AMAZING IN BED.

BUT DID YOU EVER
END A RELATIONSHIP

BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T,
THE POLICE

AND COURT SYSTEM WILL?

IT WAS, LIKE, ONE OF--
LIKE, I NEVER VIOLATE

A WOMAN'S SPACE
WHEN WE'RE ARGUING.

BUT SHE WAS ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE
WHO WOULD GET, LIKE, THIS CLOSE

AND SAY LIKE, "SO WHAT THE FUCK
ARE YOU GONNA DO?"

BUT NOT NEARLY AS FEMININE
AND SEXY AS I JUST SAID IT.

AND I KNEW I HAD TO END
THE RELATIONSHIP,

'CAUSE WE'RE LAYING IN BED
ONE NIGHT

AND SHE IS ON A THREE HOUR
FUCKING COMPLAINING BENDER.

AND I STARTED TO THINK
LIKE, "ALL RIGHT,

HOW MUCH TIME WOULD I GET
IF I STABBED HER?"

BUT I DIDN'T JUST THINK IT,
I ACTUALLY WALKED MYSELF

THROUGH THE APPEALS PROCESS,

TIME OFF FOR GOOD BEHAVIOR.

DO I HAVE A SUIT THAT
I COULD WEAR FOR COURT?

COULD I RECORD THIS
AND PLAY IT FOR THE JUDGE?

"WOW, JIM, SHE IS A TWAT.
CASE DISMISSED."

BUT THE SEX WAS SO GOOD.

AND IT'S SO HARD TO REPLACE,
BECAUSE SHE WAS CRAZY.

SHE HAD THAT FUCKIN' THING
THAT MAKES YOU GREAT IN BED

WHICH ALSO MAKES YOU
VERY DIFFICULT TO DEAL WITH.

SHE WOULD SAY
THESE THINGS--

NOW, SHE HAS NO IDEA
THAT I WOULD DO THIS,

BUT ON MY PHONE--

[laughter]

I HAVE A LITTLE SECTION
AND IT'S CALLED,

"YOU THINK I DON'T LISTEN."

AND FOR TWO YEARS,
JUST SO YOU KNOW I'M NOT LYING,

I WOULD WRITE DOWN
THINGS THAT SHE SAID.

AND I'M GOING TO READ YOU
A COUPLE OF THEM.

AND THESE ARE NOT THINGS
SAID TO BE FUNNY,

OR TO BE CRAZY.

AND SHE HAD NO IDEA THAT
I WAS RUNNING INTO THE BATHROOM

GOING, "OH, YOU ARE FUCKIN'
OUT OF YOUR MIND."

[chuckles]

WE WERE TALKING ONE TIME
AND SHE GOES,

"I'M NOT INTO RETARDS.

I DON'T GIVE A FUCK HOW BIG
THEIR DICKS ARE."

[laughter and applause]

ANOTHER ONE,
"DID YOU NOTICE THAT I BURPED

"WHILE I WAS SUCKING
YOUR DICK?

IT TASTED LIKE
DIJON MUSTARD."

"FAT GUYS JERK OFF
ALL SLOW AND FAT."

"YOUR CUM
ALWAYS GIVES ME HEARTBURN."

THIS ONE HURT.

"IF I WAS CHEATING ON YOU,
YOU'D KNOW.

THE NEXT TIME YOU FUCKED ME,
YOU WOULDN'T FEEL ANYTHING."

[laughter and applause]

"I WANT MY NEXT ABORTION
TO BE IN A REALLY NICE PLACE."

AND THIS IS MY
FAVORITE ONE.

"I CUT SUCH A PUTRID FART
ON THE TRAIN TODAY.

THANK GOD I WAS STANDING
NEXT TO THREE MEXICANS."

[laughter and applause]

YOU EVER HAVE SOMEBODY
CHANGE YOUR LIFE

BY THINGS THEY DO SEXUALLY?

SHE CHANGED MY LIFE.

WE WERE HAVING SEX.

AND WHEN I CAME, I SHOT IT
ACROSS HER RIGHT BREAST.

NOW, I AM BRAGGING
A LITTLE BIT,

'CAUSE WE WERE
FUCKING DOGGY-STYLE.

AND IT WAS A VERY IMPRESSIVE
RICOCHET

OFF OF MY TAYLOR SWIFT
POSTER.

AND SHE'S LAYING THERE
WITH MY CUM ON HER BREAST

AND SHE TAKES MY HEAD
AND PUSHES MY FACE INTO IT.

AND SAYS,
"NOW CLEAN IT OFF, BITCH."

- WHOO!

[laughter and applause]

- I CANNOT EXPRESS THE HORROR
AS MY TONGUE ROLLED OUT--

I THINK I EVEN SAID,

[childlike voice]
"ALL DONE."

AND IT HAD NO TASTE
FOR ABOUT 20 SECONDS.

AND THEN THAT CUM FLAVOR
HIT ME.

[groans]

CUM IS A HORRIBLE BEVERAGE.

WHAT THE FUCK IS IT MADE OF?

IT'S METALLIC.

IT TASTES DIRTY WITH BLOOD
AND SADNESS IN IT.

IT CLINGS TO YOUR TEETH,
AND YOUR GUMS,

AND YOUR THROAT.

I FELT LIKE I DRANK
THE BAD GUY

FROM TERMINATOR 2.

SO, TO WOMEN,
I AM SO SORRY

FOR ALL THOSE TIMES
I WAS LIKE,

"YEAH, I'LL TELL YOU
WHEN I'M GONNA CUM."

AND THEN FORGOT,
AND LAUGHED

AS YOU WERE VOMITING
OUT MY PASSENGER WINDOW.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

YOU GUYS ARE GREAT,
CLEVELAND.

I LOVE YOU.

THANK YOU, GUYS
FOR BEING HERE.

I APPRECIATE IT.

[cheers and applause]

[cheers and applause]

THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

I WANNA DEDICATE THIS SHOW,
WITH LOVE,

TO PATRICE O'NEAL.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

[cheers and applause]