All language subtitles for Last Week Tonight 913 ENG

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>> John: WELCOME, WELCOME,

WELCOME TO "LAST WEEK TONIGHT!"

I'M JOHN OLIVER.

THANK YOU SO MUCH

FOR JOINING US.

IT HAS BEEN A BUSY WEEK,

INCLUDING, LEAST IMPORTANTLY,

THE QUEEN'S PLATINUM JUBILEE,

MARKING HER 70 YEARS ON THE

THRONE, WHICH FEATURED THE ROYAL

FAMILY APPEARING ON THE BALCONY

OF BUCKINGHAM PALACE, MULTIPLE

CAKES SHAPED LIKE DEMENTED

CORGIS, AND ONE SCHOOL DOING

WHATEVER THE FUCK THIS ABSOLUTE

LIVING NIGHTMARE IS.

IT WAS BASICALLY A FOUR-DAY

CELEBRATION OF EVERYTHING THE

QUEEN LOVES, WITH ONE KEY

EXCEPTION.

>> IN THE DAYS LEADING UP TO

THIS, THE QUESTION WAS WHAT TO

DO WITH A PROBLEM LIKE ANDREW?

AND IT SEEMS LIKE THAT'S TAKEN

CARE OF ITSELF BECAUSE WE HAVE

THE NEWS THAT HE TESTED COVID

POSITIVE.

I THINK A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE

QUESTIONING THE VALIDITY OF THAT

'CAUSE IT'S VERY CONVENIENT.

>> WELL, HE DID TEST POSITIVE,

THEY SAID, SO HE MUST HAVE

A CERTIFICATE.

>> DO YOU THINK PEOPLE WILL

DEMAND TO SEE THAT CERTIFICATE?

>> I DON'T THINK THEY'RE GOING

TO GET TO SEE IT.

>> John: YEAH, I DON'T THINK

THEY WILL EITHER.

IN FACT, BASED ON WHAT GENERALLY

HAPPENS TO INFORMATION ABOUT

PRINCE ANDREW, THAT COVID TEST

WILL PROBABLY CONVENIENTLY

COMMIT SUICIDE IN PRISON.

OR YOU KNOW WHAT?

MAYBE HE'LL PAY US ALL MILLIONS

OF POUNDS TO STOP

BRINGING IT UP.

THOSE DO SEEM TO BE HIS TWO

GO-TO MOVES.

BUT INSTEAD OF FOCUSING ON THAT,

WE'RE ACTUALLY GOING TO START

WITH OUR MAIN STORY TONIGHT,

WHICH CONCERNS WHAT HAPPENED IN

UVALDE, TEXAS, 12 DAYS AGO,

WHEN AN 18-YEAR-OLD ARMED

WITH TWO AR-15s KILLED

19 CHILDREN AND TWO TEACHERS

AT AN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL.

AND LOOK, WE ALL KNOW WHAT THE

KEY PROBLEM IS HERE.

IT'S GUNS.

IT'S BECAUSE WE LET BASICALLY

WHOEVER WANTS TO BUY A GUN IN

THIS COUNTRY HAVE ONE,

WHICH HAS LED TO TRAGIC

CONSEQUENCES.

THE VAST MAJORITY OF MASS

SHOOTERS, INCLUDING THE SHOOTERS

AT UVALDE AND PARKLAND, OBTAINED

THE WEAPONS THEY USED THROUGH

LEGAL PURCHASES.

SO WE KNOW WHAT THE ANSWER TO

THIS PROBLEM IS, TOO.

IT'S GUN CONTROL.

IT'S MEANINGFUL, EFFECTIVE GUN

LAWS.

BUT THAT HASN'T STOPPED SOME

FROM DESPERATELY PITCHING

ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING OTHER THAN

THAT AS A SOLUTION.

>> THE ONLY SOLUTION IS CHRIST

JESUS AND BEING ABLE TO GET SOME

TYPE OF SPIRITUALITY AND PRAYER

BACK INTO OUR SCHOOLS.

>> MAN TRAPS.

A SERIES OF INTERLOCKING DOORS

AT THE SCHOOL ENTRANCE THAT ARE

TRIGGERED BY A TRIPWIRE.

>> I WOULD LIKE TO SEE THIS,

A NATIONAL PUSH TOWARDS, INSTEAD

OF PARENTS BUYIN' THEIR KIDS ALL

THESE TOOLS AND TOYS AND GAMES,

INVEST IN THE CLASSROOM TO MAKE

IT SAFER.

I MEAN, THEY HAVE BLANKETS

THAT YOU CAN PUT UP ON THE WALL

THAT ARE COLORFUL AND BEAUTIFUL,

BUT THEY'RE BALLISTIC BLANKETS.

>> John: WHAT ARE YOU

TALKING ABOUT?

"USE A BLANKET" IS NOT A

STRATEGY FOR STOPPING DEATHS

DURING A SCHOOL SHOOTING.

IT'S BARELY A STRATEGY FOR

"A BIRD GOT IN THE HOUSE."

AND WHILE THOSE IDEAS ARE

CLEARLY RIDICULOUS, "HARDENING

OUR SCHOOLS" SO OFTEN COMES UP

AS AN ALTERNATIVE TO GUN

CONTROL.

AND AT THE NRA CONVENTION THAT

INEXPLICABLY STILL TOOK PLACE IN

TEXAS JUST THREE DAYS AFTER THE

SHOOTING THERE, WAYNE LAPIERRE

PITCHED THE EXACT SAME SOLUTION

HE DID AFTER SANDY HOOK AND

AFTER PARKLAND.

>> WE ALSO NEED TO FULLY FUND

OUR NATION'S POLICE DEPARTMENTS

AND SCHOOL SECURITY RESOURCE

OFFICER PROGRAMS.

>> John: EXACTLY.

PUT POLICE OR SCHOOL RESOURCE

OFFICERS OR SROs, AS THEY'RE

SOMETIMES CALLED, INTO SCHOOLS.

AND I GUESS IT'S NOT THAT

SURPRISING THAT THE SOLUTION

FROM THE CEO OF THE NRA IS

"MORE PEOPLE WITH GUNS."

IT'D BE LIKE HEARING "THE

GARBAGE DUMP IS OVERFLOWING, SO

WE NEED MORE PILES OF GARBAGE"

FROM THE HEAD OF THE NATIONAL

RACCOON ASSOCIATION.

WHAT ELSE DO YOU REALLY EXPECT

HIM TO SAY?

BUT THE IDEA OF ADDING POLICE TO

SCHOOLS DOES SEEM TO COME UP IN

THE WAKE OF EVERY BIG SCHOOL

SHOOTING.

AND CRUCIALLY, IT'S THEN THE

THING THAT WE ALWAYS DO.

IN FACT, IN THE SIX YEARS AFTER

THE COLUMBINE MASSACRE IN 1999,

THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT AWARDED

OVER $750 MILLION, RESULTING IN

THE HIRING OF OVER 6,500 SROs.

AND SINCE THEN, IT'S EXPLODED TO

THE POINT THAT THE MOST RECENT

DATA AVAILABLE SHOWS 58%

OF AMERICAN SCHOOLS

REPORT HAVING A SWORN LAW

ENFORCEMENT OFFICER ON CAMPUS AT

LEAST ONCE A WEEK.

AND THIS HAS HAPPENED, EVEN AS

VITAL RESOURCES FOR STUDENTS

HAVE BEEN STARVED.

A RECENT REPORT FOUND

14 MILLION STUDENTS GO TO

A SCHOOL WITH POLICE

BUT WITHOUT A COUNSELOR, NURSE,

PSYCHOLOGIST, OR SOCIAL WORKER.

THAT IS 14 MILLION KIDS WHO

ARE IN CLOSER PROXIMITY TO A

PAIR OF HANDCUFFS THAN THEY ARE

TO A MEDICAL OR MENTAL HEALTH

PROFESSIONAL.

AND TO HEAR SOME SCHOOL COPS

TELL IT, THEY'RE NOT JUST THERE

there is upside to the presence

beside safety.

They are there to build trust

and police from early age.

>> UNFORTUNATELY, YES, IT --

IT'S SAD, AND IF YOU THINK OF IT

MORBIDLY.

BUT, IF YOU THINK OF IT BUILDING

RELATIONSHIPS FOR OUR FUTURE,

WHY NOT?

IT WOULDN'T HURT.

>> John: WOULDN'T HURT?

ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?

BECAUSE, LITTLE SECRET: IF WE'RE

SHOWING YOU SOMETHING ON THIS

SHOW, IT COULD ABSOLUTELY HURT.

THERE HAS NEVER BEEN A MOMENT

WHERE WE'VE SHOWN YOU A CLIP

WHERE A COP GOES "WOULDN'T

HURT," AND WE'VE SAID "YOU'RE

RIGHT, OFFICER BIG MAN,

IT WOULDN'T!

ANYWAY, THAT'S OUR SHOW,

HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND!"

SO GIVEN THAT, ONCE AGAIN, IN

THE WAKE OF YET ANOTHER SCHOOL

SHOOTING, WE SEEM POISED TO

THROW MORE COPS INTO OUR

SCHOOLS, WE THOUGHT TONIGHT,

IT'D BE WORTH TALKING ABOUT

SCHOOL POLICE.

WHETHER THEY'RE THE ANSWER TO

THIS PARTICULAR PROBLEM,

THE ANSWER TO ANY PROBLEMS,

OR WHETHER THEY'RE ACTUALLY A

PRETTY BIG PROBLEM THEMSELVES.

AND LET'S START BY

ACKNOWLEDGING THIS IDEA ISN'T

JUST COMING FROM THE NRA.

IT'S COMING FROM PARENTS, TOO,

LIKE THIS MAN, WHO BACK IN

FEBRUARY, SHOWED UP AT A COUNTY

COUNCIL MEETING.

>> ALEX TURNER TELLS US HE IS

ALL IN FAVOR OF THE IDEA OF

ADDING SROs.

>> JUST FOR THE SIMPLE FACT THAT

THEY'VE GOT A FORCE MULTIPLIER

IN THE SCHOOL WHERE THEY COULD

STOP SOME IMMINENT THREAT TO OUR

CHILDREN.

>> TURNER HAS TWO YOUNG CHILDREN

AND HIS WIFE WORKS AT A SCHOOL

DISTRICT IN THE COUNTY.

>> WHAT SCARES ME THE MOST IS

IS THE THOUGHT OF HER HAVING TO

USE A BACKPACK TO DEFEND HERSELF

FROM SOMEONE WITH A GUN.

>> OUR CHILDREN ARE THE MOST

IMPORTANT THING TO OUR FUTURE,

THEY'RE FUTURE TAXPAYERS,

THEY'RE FUTURE CITIZENS THAT ARE

GOING TO INVEST IN OUR

COMMUNITY.

>> John: OKAY, OBVIOUSLY THAT

GUY CALLING CHILDREN "FUTURE TAX

PAYERS" IS A LITTLE WEIRD.

ALTHOUGH WHO AMONG US HASN'T

WALKED IN TO OUR SLEEPING

CHILD'S ROOM, BECOME OVERTAKEN

BY THE SERENITY ON THEIR FACE

AND THOUGHT TO OURSELVES

"WOW, WHAT A MIRACLE.

I WONDER IF SHE'LL GROW UP TO

FILE WITH A W-2 OR A 1099.

PARENTHOOD TRULY IS A JOYOUS

MYSTERY."

BUT I DO GET WHAT HE'S TRYING TO

SAY THERE.

THE THOUGHT OF SOMEONE COMING

INTO A SCHOOL AND HURTING YOUR

CHILD IS INCREDIBLY SCARY.

I DON'T THINK THAT ALL PEOPLE

WHO BELIEVE THAT POLICE OFFICERS

MAKE SCHOOLS SAFER HAVE BAD

INTENTIONS OR ARE ARGUING IN

BAD FAITH.

BUT I DO BELIEVE THAT THEY ARE

WRONG.

BECAUSE FOR THE RECORD,

THE ANSWER TO THE QUESTION,

"DO POLICE IN SCHOOLS DETER

SCHOOL SHOOTINGS?"

IS BASICALLY "NO."

EXPERTS WHO'VE STUDIED THIS HAVE

FOUND THAT SCHOOL SHOOTERS WERE

NOT DETERRED DUE TO THE

PRESENCE OF METAL DETECTORS,

LOCKED DOORS, SECURITY CAMERAS,

OR SCHOOL RESOURCE OFFICERS.

AND IF YOU'RE THINKING, "WELL,

OKAY, WHAT ABOUT WHEN

A SHOOTING'S

ACTUALLY HAPPENING?

THEY COULD STOP THEM THEN,

RIGHT?"

DON'T BE SO SURE.

WELL, FAMOUSLY, UVALDE HAD

A POLICE OFFICER

AND PARKLAND HAD ONE TOO.

INSTANCES OF SCHOOL POLICE

STOPPING SHOOTINGS ARE

INCREDIBLY RARE.

THERE WAS ONE EXAMPLE FOUR

YEARS AGO, BUT WHEN THE

WASHINGTON POST LOOKED INTO IT

AFTER THAT, THEY COULD ONLY FIND

ONE OTHER CASE IN THE

PRECEDING 19 YEARS WHERE

A RESOURCE OFFICER GUNNED DOWN

AN ACTIVE SHOOTER.

IT'S ACTUALLY MUCH EASIER TO

FIND STORIES OF SHOOTINGS

STOPPED BY FACULTY AND SCHOOL

COUNSELORS.

BUT RATHER THAN ARGUING ANECDOTE

BY ANECDOTE, IT MIGHT BE HELPFUL

TO LOOK AT THE LARGER DATA.

BECAUSE ON THE WHOLE, AN

ANALYSIS OF 179 SHOOTINGS ON

SCHOOL GROUNDS -- WHICH IS A

BRUTAL THING TO

SO SAY OUT LOUD ON ITS OWN.

FOUND NO EVIDENCE THAT THE

PRESENCE OF SCHOOL RESOURCE

OFFICERS LESSENED THE SEVERITY

OF SCHOOL SHOOTINGS.

IF ANYTHING, THEY CAN ACTUALLY

MAKE IT WORSE, AS THIS

RESEARCHER EXPLAINS.

>> SO, WHEN WE HAVE LOOKED AT

THIS AND LOOKED AT SCHOOL

SHOOTINGS AND ATTEMPTED SCHOOL

SHOOTINGS, WHAT'S REMARKABLE IS

THAT WHEN YOU HAVE ARMED

OFFICERS ON THE SCENE,

YOU ACTUALLY SEE MORE

CASUALTIES, OFTEN BECAUSE THAT

PERPETRATOR IS SUICIDAL.

THEY'RE FAMILIAR WITH THAT

SCHOOL, THEY KNOW THAT OFFICER

IS THERE, AND SO THEY COME IN

HEAVILY ARMED.

>> John: RIGHT.

AND IF SCHOOL COPS CAN MAKE

SHOOTINGS WORSE, WHY, THEN,

ARE WE STILL PITCHING THEM

AS A SOLUTION?

IF OFF DISCOVERED THAT THEIR

MOSQUITO REPELLANT ATTRACTED

MOSQUITOS,

THEY'D STOP SELLING IT

OR AT THE VERY LEAST, REBRAND

IT AS A COLOGNE FOR LONELY

MOSQUITO BACHELORS.

THE POINT IS, THE EVIDENCE FOR

COPS IN SCHOOLS DETERRING SCHOOL

SHOOTINGS JUST ISN'T THERE.

AND THE EVIDENCE FOR THE DAMAGE

THEY CAN DO IS SIGNIFICANT.

SO FOR THE REST OF THIS PIECE,

LET'S ACTUALLY PUT SHOOTINGS

ASIDE AND CONSIDER THE IMPACT

THAT SCHOOL POLICE CAN HAVE ON

KIDS, EVERY DAY THEY'RE THERE.

THE NATIONAL ASSOCIATION OF

SCHOOL RESOURCE OFFICERS --

ESSENTIALLY, THE TRADE GROUP FOR

THESE OFFICERS -- WILL ARGUE

THEY SERVE MANY FUNCTIONS IN

SCHOOLS BEYOND SECURITY.

THEY EVEN DEVELOPED A TRIAD

CONCEPT OF SCHOOL POLICING, THAT

ENCOURAGES OFFICERS TO BE

A TEACHER, INFORMAL COUNSELOR,

AND LAW ENFORCEMENT OFFICER.

AND I'LL SAY THERE ARE

UNDOUBTEDLY SCHOOLS WHERE SOME

KIDS SEE THEIR POLICE OFFICERS

THAT WAY.

YOU'VE PROBABLY SEEN VIDEOS OF

THEM DOING "CARPOOL KARAOKE"

IN THEIR SQUAD CAR WITH KIDS,

OR DOING A FUN DANCE

AT THEIR HALFTIME SHOW.

SOME HAVE EVEN JOINED KIDS IN

EXTRACURRICULAR ACTIVITIES.

>> IT'S NOT EVERY DAY THAT YOU

SEE THE CAMPUS POLICE OFFICER

TAKING ON THE ROLE OF CAST

MEMBER IN THE SCHOOL MUSICAL.

>> SHE SHOWED UP AT OUR FIRST

REHEARSAL, OUR FIRST DANCE

REHEARSAL, AND I WAS LIKE,

"WHY IS OFFICER GRIFFIN HERE?

IS SOMEONE IN TROUBLE?"

BUT THEN EVERYONE WAS LIKE,

"NO, SHE'S JOINING THE SHOW.

SHE'S GONNA DANCE WITH US."

AND I WAS SHOCKED.

>> SHOCKED BECAUSE PRIOR TO HER

PARTICIPATION, MOST OF THESE

STUDENTS WERE INTIMIDATED BY THE

OFFICER TASKED WITH KEEPING

ORDER ON CAMPUS.

>> John: IT'S TRUE, A COP

WAS IN THE SCHOOL MUSICAL.

AND JUST IMAGINE HOW CHALLENGING

THAT CASTING DECISION MUST HAVE

BEEN FOR THE THEATER TEACHER.

"WELL, SUSIE HAS A FANTASTIC

VOCAL RANGE, HANNAH B.

REALLY LEARNED THE CHOREOGRAPHY,

JILLIAN IS A SENIOR SO IT DOES

FEEL LIKE IT'S HER TIME TO GET

A BIG ROLE, BUT OFFICER GRIFFIN

HAS A GUN.

SO I GUESS I'M JUST GOING TO GO

WITH OFFICER GRIFFIN."

BUT CLEARLY, TAP-DANCING OFFICER

GRIFFIN HERE IS NOT THE NORM.

IN FACT, WHILE SCHOOL POLICE IN

MORE WELL-RESOURCED SCHOOLS,

OFTEN DO HAVE AN EXPANDED ROLE,

INCLUDING EDUCATION AND

MENTORING, IN DISADVANTAGED

SCHOOLS, THEY'RE MORE LIKELY TO

ENGAGE PRIMARILY IN LAW

ENFORCEMENT ACTIVITIES.

AND FOR ALL NASRO'S TALK OF THE

TRIAD MODEL, WHEN THEY ASKED

THEIR MEMBERS WHICH PRONG THEY

IDENTIFY WITH THE MOST,

OVER TWO-THIRDS SELECTED

LAW ENFORCEMENT.

BECAUSE OF COURSE THEY DID.

THEY'RE COPS.

MOST COPS DON'T GET INTO COPPING

BECAUSE THEY SECRETLY WANT TO BE

COUNSELORS.

THEY DO IT BECAUSE MOVIES MAKE

IT LOOK EXCITING AND THEY'RE

TIRED OF STOPPING AT RED LIGHTS.

THAT'S WHY THEY DO IT.

AND THE PROBLEM IS, FACULTY AND

SCHOOL ADMINISTRATORS WILL

SOMETIMES USE THOSE COPS TO DEAL

WITH BASIC DISCIPLINARY PROBLEMS

IN THE SCHOOL, AS THIS TEACHER

EXPLAINS.

>> I SEE THAT TEACHERS HAVE

NEGLECTED TO FIGURE OUT A WAY TO

HANDLE A LOT OF PROBLEMS ON

THEIR OWN THAT THEY USED TO.

THINGS THAT WERE UP TO THE

TEACHER BEFORE ARE NOW JUST A

PHONE CALL AWAY.

>> HOW MANY OF YOUR PEERS ARE

JUST PICKING UP THE PHONE AND

CALLING THE SCHOOL RESOURCE

OFFICER?

>> I'D SAY THE MAJORITY OF

TEACHERS ARE DOING THAT.

DEFINITELY 75% OUT OF ALL OF US,

IF I JUST WANT TO MAKE A ROUGH

GUESS, ARE DOING THAT, BECAUSE

THEY GO IN WITH A SET LESSON

PLAN AND WHEN THE KID DOESN'T

WANT TO DO IT, WHAT DO I DO?

I GET HIM OUT OF THE CLASSROOM.

>> John: YEAH.

BUT THAT'S NOT GOOD.

AND I KNOW TEACHERS HAVE AN

EXHAUSTING JOB.

AND, FOR SOME REASON, SOCIETY

HAS DECIDED THEIR REWARD FOR

THAT IS INSULTINGLY LOW PAY AND

OCCASIONAL THANK-YOU APPLES.

AND IT'S NOT THE POINT HERE.

BUT WHY APPLES?

EXACTLY.

WHY HAVE WE DECIDED TO REWARD

TEACHERS THE SAME WAY WE REWARD

MEDIOCRE HORSES?

BECAUSE THE GOOD HORSES GET

SUGAR CUBES.

NOW, AM I SAYING TEACHERS SHOULD

GET SUGAR CUBES INSTEAD OF

APPLES?

I'M NOT NOT SAYING THAT.

BUT THE LARGER POINT IS,

WHILE I UNDERSTAND A FRUSTRATED,

OVERWORKED TEACHER WANTING A

TROUBLEMAKING KID OUT OF THEIR

CLASSROOM, INVOLVING THE POLICE

IN THAT IS A VERY DANGEROUS

IMPULSE, FOR MANY REASONS.

ONE OF THEM IS, POLICE IN

SCHOOLS CAN AND DO ARREST

STUDENTS.

IN FACT, IN THE MOST RECENT YEAR

RECORDED, THEY DID THIS TO OVER

54,000 OF THEM, WHICH IS A HUGE

NUMBER.

IF YOU ASKED ME "WHAT DO YOU

THINK HAPPENS 54,000 TIMES

INSIDE SCHOOLS?"

I'D SAY "I DUNNO.

THE NUMBER OF CLASSROOM PETS

THAT WENT MISSING BECAUSE

A STUDENT LEFT THE LID OFF

THE CAGE," OR "THE NUMBER OF

TIMES A TEACHER LOST TOTAL

CONTROL OF HER CLASS WHEN

ANY PART OF HER PRIVATE LIFE

WAS REVEALED."

"OH, MY GOD, SHE HAD HER

COMPUTER HOOKED UP TO

THE PROJECTOR AND AN E-VITE

FROM SOMEONE NAMED JIM

APPEARED.

WHO IS JIM?

ARE YOU IN LOVE?

WILL YOU HAVE HIS BABIES?"

AND IF YOU'RE THINKING,

"WOW, A KID MUST BE DOING

SOMETHING REALLY BAD

TO GET ARRESTED IN SCHOOL,"

NOT REALLY.

STUDENTS HAVE BEEN CHARGED WITH

ASSAULT FOR THINGS LIKE THROWING

A PAPER AIRPLANE, A BABY CARROT,

AND SKITTLES, AND DRUG

POSSESSION FOR CARRYING A MAPLE

LEAF.

AND WHEN A FIVE YEAR OLD WITH

ADHD HAD A TANTRUM, THEY WERE

CHARGED WITH BATTERY ON A POLICE

OFFICER WHEN CLEARLY THE ONLY

THING THEY WERE GUILTY OF WAS

BEING A FUCKING FIVE YEAR OLD.

AND TAKE WHAT HAPPENED WITH

KIERA WILMOT.

WHEN SHE WAS A HIGH SCHOOL

STUDENT, SHE TRIED TO REPLICATE

AN EXPERIMENT SHE'D SEEN IN

CLASS, WHERE YOU SET OFF A

CHEMICAL REACTION IN A PLASTIC

BOTTLE TO MAKE THE CAP BLOW OFF.

AND I'LL LET HER AND THEN HER

MOTHER EXPLAIN WHAT HAPPENED

NEXT.

>> THE PRINCIPAL AND VICE

PRINCIPAL WERE, LIKE, ABOUT TEN

FEET AWAY, AND WHEN IT POPPPED,

THEY CAME OVER AND ASKED WHAT

WAS GOING ON, I TOLD THEM IT WAS

A SCIENCE PROJECT AND THEY WERE

JUST LIKE, "OKAY."

AT THE END OF THIRD PERIOD, THEY

TAKE ME OUT AND THEN WALK ME TO

THE RESOURCE OFFICER.

HE WAS LIKE, "THIS IS CONSIDERED

A FELONY.

I MIGHT HAVE TO ARREST YOU FOR

THIS."

AND THEN I WAS JUST HANDCUFFED

AND PUT IN THE CAR.

>> A TRAINED OFFICER OF THE LAW

ARRESTED, PUT MY DAUGHTER IN

HANDCUFFS, PUT HER IN THE BACK

OF A POLICE CAR, AND TOOK HER TO

THE JUVENILE ASSESSMENT CENTER

AND CHARGED HER WITH TWO FELONY

CHARGES.

>> John: THAT IS SO FUCKING

STUPID FOR SO MANY REASONS,

ONE OF WHICH IS THAT WHEN YOU

HEAR "FELONY FOR A SCIENCE

EXPERIMENT," YOU'RE THINKING

METH.

IF I GAVE YOU 500 GUESSES

FOR "WHAT SCIENCE EXPERIMENT

GOT SOMEONE CHARGED

WITH A FELONY?"

YOUR FIRST 499 GUESSES WOULD BE

METH, AND THE NEXT ONE WOULD BE,

"ARE YOU 100% SURE IT'S NOT

METH?"

NEVER IN YOUR WILDEST DREAMS

WOULD IT BE POPPING

A BOTTLE CAP.

UNLESS INSIDE THAT BOTTLE WAS

SOME METH.

NOW, I SHOULD SAY THE CHARGES

AGAINST KIERA WERE LATER

DROPPED.

BUT SHE STILL HAD TO CHECK THE

BOX ON HER COLLEGE APPLICATION

ASKING "HAVE YOU BEEN ARRESTED?"

AND, AS CRAZY AS THIS SOUNDS,

SHE WAS ACTUALLY LUCKY, IN THAT

AT LEAST SHE HAD PRESS COVERAGE

OF HER RIDICULOUS ARREST SHE

COULD DIRECT THE COLLEGE TO.

BUT THAT'S OBVIOUSLY NOT THE

CASE FOR MANY, MANY OTHERS.

THE FACT IS, KIDS WITH CRIMINAL

RECORDS CAN HAVE A MUCH HARDER

TIME GETTING JOBS, SCHOLARSHIPS,

AND A HOST OF OTHER BENEFITS AND

OPPORTUNITIES.

AND WHILE IT'S TRUE YOU CAN

APPLY TO HAVE YOUR JUVENILE

RECORD SEALED -- USUALLY ONCE

YOU TURN 18 -- THERE'S NO

GUARANTEE THAT'LL HAPPEN.

SO AN ARREST ALONE CAN STILL DO

SIGNIFICANT DAMAGE, AS SOME OF

THOSE INVOLVED IN THE SYSTEM

WILL ADMIT.

>> I THINK WE CERTAINLY SEE A

LOT OF CASES THAT WE THINK,

"SERIOUSLY?"

>> GARNETTE SAYS CLOSE TO 70% OF

THE TIME, HER PROBATION OFFICERS

DECIDE THE OFFENSE ISN'T

ACTUALLY SERIOUS ENOUGH TO GET

REFERRED TO THE DISTRICT

ATTORNEY FOR CRIMINAL CHARGES.

BUT EVEN IN THOSE CASES, MUCH OF

THE DAMAGE IS ALREADY DONE.

>> THE CHILD CAN STILL BE LEFT

WITH A CRIMINAL RECORD?

>> WELL, IT'LL STILL SHOW AN

ARREST ON THEIR -- ON THEIR RAP

SHEET.

YES, ABSOLUTELY.

THEY'VE BEEN ARRESTED.

I MEAN, IF THEY -- IF THE CASE

COMES TO US, THEY'VE BEEN

ARRESTED, WHETHER THEY WERE PUT

IN HANDCUFFS AND BROUGHT TO US

OR JUST GIVEN A SLIP OF PAPER BY

THE POLICE, THEY'VE HAVE BEEN

ARRESTED.

>> AND IS THAT FAIR?

>> WELL, I MEAN...

NO, I DON'T THINK IT'S FAIR.

>> John: WOW, THAT WAS A LONG

PAUSE.

IT'S NOT A GREAT SIGN THAT A

CHIEF PROBATION OFFICER IS

RESPONDING TO THE QUESTION

"IS THE JUSTICE SYSTEM FAIR?"

LIKE THEY'RE STALLING FOR TIME

ON JEOPARDY AFTER ACCIDENTALLY

BUZZING IN.

AND I WILL SAY AT LEAST SHE'S

ACKNOWLEDGING THERE THAT THE

SYSTEM HAS A SIGNIFICANT

PROBLEM.

WHAT IS ABSOLUTELY MADDENING IS

WATCHING THIS FORMER DIRECTOR OF

STUDENT SERVICES FOR THE COUNTY

WHERE SHE WORKS TRY TO MAKE

EXCUSES FOR IT.

>> NO STUDENT ON OUR -- THAT'S

ATTENDING OUR CAMPUS IS GETTING

A CRIMINAL RECORD BECAUSE OF

SOMETHING WE'VE DONE.

WE DON'T FOCUS ON ARRESTING

OR SENDING KIDS AWAY.

THAT'S -- THAT'S COMPLETELY

COUNTER TO WHAT AN EDUCATOR

SHOULD DO.

>> BUT THAT IS WHAT'S HAPPENING.

>> THAT IS NOT HAPPENING

IN MY SCHOOL DISTRICT.

>> BUT IN A SINGLE SCHOOL YEAR,

283 KIDS IN YOUR DISTRICT WERE

REFERRED TO POLICE.

>> OKAY.

>> SO IT IS HAPPENING.

>> I -- KIDS ARE CITED ON OUR

CAMPUSES SOMETIMES, YES.

>> AND DO YOU KNOW THAT THIS CAN

GIVE THEM A CRIMINAL RECORD?

>> I KNOW WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I

ISSUE MY OWN CONSEQUENCES.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENS WHEN

POLICE ISSUE THEIR CONSEQUENCES.

>> SO YOU HAVE NO IDEA THAT

THESE KIDS ARE GETTING CRIMINAL

RECORDS?

>> I WOULDN'T KNOW THAT ONE WAY

OR THE OTHER.

>> BUT DON'T YOU HEAD DISCIPLINE

FOR THE DISTRICT?

>> AND I TAKE CARE OF DISCIPLINE

FOR THE DISTRICT.

IF CONSEQUENCES GO BEYOND THAT

INTO THE -- INTO THE LEGAL

REALM, THAT'S NOT OUR PURVIEW.

THAT'S NOT OUR BUSINESS.

>> John: HOLY SHIT,

THAT IS SELECTIVE.

"NOT YOUR BUSINESS?"

OH, NO, MY GOOD BITCH, THAT IS

VERY MUCH YOUR BUSINESS.

AND I DO UNDERSTAND THE

DISTINCTION THAT BUDGET

BILL MURRAY IS

TRYING TO DRAW THERE.

THERE'S "SCHOOL DISCIPLINE,"

WHICH FALLS UNDER HIS PURVIEW,

BUT IF A KID BREAKS THE LAW,

THEN IT'S A POLICE THING.

BUT IN PRACTICE, ONCE YOU LET

THE POLICE INTO YOUR SCHOOLS,

THAT LINE GETS REALLY BLURRY.

AND YOU'RE GOING TO START

GETTING STUPID ARRESTS FOR

THINGS LIKE SCIENCE EXPERIMENTS,

OR THROWING BABY CARROTS, OR --

IN THE DISTRICT WHERE THAT GUY

WORKED -- THE INDEFENSIBLE

ARREST OF THIS AUTISTIC STUDENT.

>> TWO YEARS AGO, ADRIAN WAS AT

HIS SCHOOL, BRET HARTE MIDDLE IN

SAN JOSE, WHEN HE USED A SMALL

ROCK TO ETCH THE LETTERS ADRX

ON THE SIDEWALK.

THE ABBREVIATION IS HOW

ADRIAN OFTEN SIGNED HIS NAME ON

SCHOOL ASSIGNMENTS.

THE LETTERS MEASURED JUST SIX

INCHES TALL.

BUT THE SCHOOL BELIEVED THEY

WERE BIG ENOUGH A REASON TO

INVOLVE CAMPUS POLICE.

ADRIAN WAS ARRESTED AT 13.

>> I THOUGHT MAYBE SOMEONE WOULD

LOOK AT IT AND SAY, "OH, LOOK,

A LEGEND.

OH, LOOK, A LEGEND

THAT DID THIS.

THIS IS SO COOL.

A LEGEND WAS AT THIS SCHOOL."

>> John: OKAY, FOR THE RECORD,

THAT KID WAS, AND REMAINS,

A LEGEND.

BECAUSE TO 13-YEAR-OLDS,

THERE IS SIMPLY NOTHING COOLER

THAN INITIALS WRITTEN SOMEWHERE.

IT DOESN'T MATTER WHERE

OR WITH WHAT.

ALL THAT MATTERS IS THAT

INITIALS ARE SOMEWHERE AND

THAT'S COOL.

ON A DESK?

YES, PLEASE.

ON A LAMP POST?

I LOVE IT.

WAY HIGH UP ON A WALL?

HOW DID THEY GET IT UP THERE?

WE EVEN PUT ADRIAN'S INITIALS

ONTO THE SET BEHIND ME TO MAKE

IT ABSOLUTELY CLEAR TO EVERYONE

THAT A LEGEND WAS

VERY MUCH HERE.

THAT STORY'S COMPLETELY

BANANAS, EVEN BEFORE YOU LEARN

THAT THE LETTERS HE ETCHED CAME

RIGHT OFF WITH SOME SOAP AND

WATER AFTER HIS MOTHER HAD HIM

CLEAN IT UP.

BUT IT ALSO SPEAKS TO A BIGGER

ISSUE, WHICH IS THAT STUDENTS

WITH DISABILITIES ARE ALMOST

THREE TIMES MORE LIKELY TO BE

ARRESTED, EVEN THOUGH KIDS WITH

DEVELOPMENTAL DISABILITIES CAN

HAVE DIFFICULTY UNDERSTANDING OR

FOLLOWING THE RULES AND REQUIRE

SUPPORT STAFF FAMILIAR WITH

THEIR SPECIFIC NEEDS.

AND THEY ARE NOT THE ONLY

STUDENTS DISPROPORTIONATELY

SINGLED OUT.

BECAUSE COPS IN SCHOOLS DO TEND

TO BEHAVE THE SAME WAY THEY

BEHAVE OUTSIDE OF SCHOOLS, WHICH

EXPLAINS WHY BLACK STUDENTS

ACCOUNT FOR NEARLY A THIRD OF

ALL STUDENTS ARRESTED, DESPITE

THE FACT THAT THAT'S TWICE THEIR

SHARE OF ENROLLMENT.

THAT'S JUST ONE REASON WHY,

WHILE YOU MAY HEAR A LOT OF

WHITE KIDS TALK ABOUT THEIR

FRIENDLY SRO, BLACK STUDENTS

EVEN IN THE SAME SCHOOL MAY

SEE THEM VERY DIFFERENTLY.

>> IT WAS ALMOST LIKE THIS MAN

WAS JUDGE, JURY,

AND EXECUTIONER.

AND HE WAS MENACING LOOKING.

AND, LITERALLY, HE WALKED

THROUGH THE HALLS LIKE HE OWNED

THE PLACE.

EVERY CONVERSATION YOU HAD WITH

HIM WAS TENSE.

IT WAS LITERALLY JUST STUDENTS

OF COLOR.

I DON'T THINK, EVEN THE BLACK

SRO THAT WE HAD AT SOUTHWEST,

I HAD NEVER SEEN HIM SPEAK

TO A WHITE STUDENT.

THEY KNEW WHO THEY WERE LOOKING

FOR, THEY HAD THEIR KIDS THAT

THEY, LIKE, LOW-KEY TERRORIZED?

THERE ARE SO MANY STUDENTS WHO

WOULD'VE HAD A GREAT TIME BUT

HAD A HORRIBLE TIME BECAUSE OF

AN SRO OR BECAUSE OF A COP.

>> John: RIGHT.

THE PRESENCE OF POLICE CAN MAKE

SCHOOL MISERABLE FOR SOME KIDS,

AND WE FRANKLY DON'T NEED ANY

MORE WAYS TO MAKE SCHOOL

SCARIER.

IT'S ALREADY TERRIFYING ENOUGH.

IF YOU ASKED ME WHAT'S THE

SCARIEST PLACE I CAN IMAGINE,

IT'S NOT A HAUNTED HOUSE OR THE

INSIDE OF TOM CRUISE'S BRAIN.

IT'S HIGH SCHOOL.

BECAUSE REMEMBER, I WAS THIS.

AND IT'S NOT JUST LOW-KEY

TERRORIZING.

YOU MAY BE FAMILIAR WITH VIRAL

VIDEOS OF SCHOOL COPS BEHAVING

VIOLENTLY, VIDEOS THAT SOMETIMES

WENT ON TO MAKE HEADLINES LIKE

THESE.

AND BECAUSE COPS IN SCHOOLS

ENJOY ALL THE SAME PROTECTIONS

THEY DO EVERYWHERE ELSE, THE

CONSEQUENCES IN MANY OF THESE

CASES CAN BE NONEXISTENT.

IN OSCEOLA COUNTY, FLORIDA,

AN OFFICER WAS FILMED THROWING

A FEMALE STUDENT TO THE FLOOR,

KNOCKING HER UNCONSCIOUS.

BUT HE WASN'T CHARGED WITH ANY

WRONGDOING.

AND HIS SUPERVISOR, THE COUNTY

SHERIFF, FULLY SUPPORTED THAT

OUTCOME.

>> A LOT OF THINGS ARE NEVER

GOING TO LOOK PRETTY ON CAMERA,

BUT GUESS WHAT?

YOU KNOW, THIS WORKED OUT, AND

IT'S A POSITIVE THING FOR LAW

ENFORCEMENT.

>> SHERIFF LOPEZ DEFENDING

DEPUTY FOURNIER'S ACTIONS,

DESPITE CRITICISM AND PUBLIC

SCRUTINY.

>> IT'S UNFORTUNATE THAT THE

YOUNG LADY WENT THROUGH THIS

INCIDENT, BUT IT'S ALSO

UNFORTUNATE THAT MY DEPUTY HAD

TO SUFFER A LOT OF CONSTANT

BASHING AND HARASSMENT,

YOU KNOW, WHEN HE JUST DID WITH

HOW HE WAS TRAINED.

>> John: I HONESTLY THINK NO ONE

MAKES A BETTER CASE FOR

DEFUNDING THE POLICE THAN THE

POLICE THEMSELVES.

IF THROWING A KID TO THE GROUND

AND THEN HAVING YOUR BOSS

COMPLAIN ABOUT HOW EVERYONE WAS

RUDE TO YOU AFTERWARD IS

EMBLEMATIC OF HOW YOU WERE

TRAINED, THEN THE PROBLEM IS

CLEARLY THE TRAINING, THE COPS

THEMSELVES, THE ENTIRE SYSTEM

AND -- NOT FOR NOTHING --

THAT SHERRIFF'S FAKE OAKLEY

SUNGLASSES.

BUT THE SHERIFF OF FLAVORTOWN

HERE DOES RAISE AN INTERESTING

POINT.

SCHOOL POLICE GET TRAINED

AS COPS, BUT THAT MIGHT BE THE

ONLY TRAINING THEY GET.

BECAUSE REQUIREMENTS VARY WIDELY

IN EACH STATE, IF THEY EXIST AT

ALL.

AND NATIONAL TRAINING

REQUIREMENTS FOR SCHOOL-BASED

LAW ENFORCEMENT SIMPLY DO NOT

EXIST.

AND WHEN YOU'VE GOT LAW

ENFORCEMENT STATIONED IN A

SCHOOL, TAKING ORDINARY

DISCIPLINARY SITUATIONS AND

ESCALATING THEM, THE

CONSEQUENCES, AS YOU'VE SEEN,

CAN BE TERRIBLE.

IN RESEARCHING THIS PIECE, WE

FOUND SO MANY STORIES WHERE KIDS

ARE STILL TRAUMATIZED BY THE

EXPERIENCES THEY HAD, EVEN YEARS

LATER, AND FELT IT BOTH CHANGED

THE TRAJECTORY OF THEIR LIVES,

AND HOW THEY INTERACT WITH THE

WORLD.

IF YOU'RE OVER A CERTAIN AGE,

THIS IS SO MUCH MORE PREVALENT

THAN YOU MIGHT THINK.

WE DON'T HAVE A PARTICULARLY

LARGE STAFF, BUT MULTIPLE

MEMBERS OF IT HAVE COME FORWARD

AS WE PUT THIS STORY TOGETHER,

CITING TERRIBLE BEHAVIOR BY

SCHOOL POLICE THEY'D EITHER

DIRECTLY WITNESSED OR

EXPERIENCED FIRST-HAND.

AND WE'RE NOT EVEN GETTING INTO

THE FACT THAT SCHOOLS WITH

SROs HAVE HIGHER RATES OF

EXCLUSIONARY DISCIPLINE --

THINGS LIKE SUSPENSIONS AND

EXPULSIONS -- THAN COMPARABLE

SCHOOLS WITHOUT SROs, WHICH

HAS BEEN SHOWN TO BE ASSOCIATED

WITH LOWER ACADEMIC ACHIEVEMENT,

DROPOUT, AND INCREASED

BEHAVIORAL PROBLEMS BOTH IN AND

OUT OF SCHOOL.

SO WHEN THAT GUY EARLIER ARGUED

FOR MORE POLICE IN EVERY SCHOOL,

SAYING, "WHY NOT?

IT WOULDN'T HURT."

THE ANSWER TO THAT IS,

"IT ABSOLUTELY CAN, AND IT DOES,

ALL THE TIME."

AND FOR ALL THE ARGUING RIGHT

NOW ABOUT HOW WE NEED MORE

POLICE IN SCHOOLS, I'D ARGUE

THAT WE MAY ACTUALLY NEED

SIGNIFICANTLY LESS.

AND SMALL REFORMS JUST AREN'T

GOING TO CUT IT HERE.

SOME PLACES HAVE TRIED THAT,

WITH TACTICS THAT KEPT THE

POLICE IN SCHOOLS BUT TRIED TO

MAKE THEM APPEAR LESS

INTIMIDATING.

ABOUT FIVE YEARS AGO,

SOME DISTRICTS IN MINNESOTA,

WHERE THAT KID WENT TO SCHOOL,

REDESIGNED THEIR SCHOOL POLICE

UNIFORMS TO LIGHT-BLUE POLO

SHIRTS.

SOMETHING THAT, UNSURPRISINGLY,

STUDENTS THERE, INCLUDING HIM,

SAW RIGHT THROUGH.

>> EVERY DAY I GO TO SCHOOL

AS A YOUNG BLACK MALE TEEN,

AND I HAVE TO SEE OUR SRO

JUST WANDERING THE HALLWAYS.

HE'S ALWAYS IN OUR CLASSROOMS.

HE'S ALWAYS IN THE HALLWAYS.

YOUR COMPROMISE IS TO GIVE THEM

SOFTER OUTFITS?

THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.

LIKE, IT'S -- AT THE END OF THE

DAY, A COP IS A COP.

WHETHER YOU DRESS THEM UP IN

RED, YELLOW, BLUE, IT DOESN'T

MATTER.

TEENAGERS AREN'T

TEENAGERS AREN'T STUPID.

YOU CAN'T SEND THE COP UNIFORM

TO A FARM UPSTATE.

THEY KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON.

A COP'S GONNA BE A COP,

NO MATTER WHAT WE DRESS THEM

UP IN.

FUSCHIA?

STILL A COP.

VERMILLION?

STILL A COP.

CHER'S DRESS FROM THE 1986

OSCARS?

STILL A COP.

NOW THEY'RE WEARING SOMETHING

THEY COULDN'T PULL OFF IN THEIR

WILDEST FUCKING DREAMS.

THERE ARE SOME SLIGHTLY BIGGER

STEPS WE COULD TAKE, LIKE

DEMANDING SCHOOL DISTRICTS ADOPT

RULES THAT KEEP COPS OUT OF

ROUTINE STUDENT DISCIPLINE.

WE COULD ALSO REQUIRE THEY HAVE

COMPREHENSIVE TRAINING THAT

INCLUDES DE-ESCALATION AND

WORKING WITH STUDENTS WITH

DISABILITIES.

OR WE COULD JUST TRY AND GET

THEM OUT OF SCHOOLS ALTOGETHER.

SOME CITIES, LIKE OAKLAND,

CALIFORNIA, HAVE DONE THAT.

AND I'M NOT SAYING IT'S SIMPLE.

THERE'S STILL A THOUGHTFUL,

ONGOING CONVERSATION THERE ABOUT

HOW TO HANDLE EVERYTHING FROM

ROUTINE DISCIPLINE TO EMERGENCY

SITUATIONS.

BECAUSE THEY KNOW GETTING RID

OF SCHOOL POLICE DOESN'T MEAN

WALKING AWAY FROM SCHOOL SAFETY.

WHAT IT MEANS IS ASKING

OURSELVES WHAT REALLY KEEPS KIDS

SAFE.

AND I'D ARGUE ONE GOOD WAY TO DO

THAT MIGHT BE TO TAKE THE MONEY

THAT IT SEEMS WE'RE NOW

INEVITABLY ABOUT TO FLOOD TOWARD

SCHOOL COPS, AND INSTEAD, DIRECT

IT TOWARD COUNSELORS, NURSES,

AND ALL THE OTHER RESOURCES THAT

ACTUALLY PROTECT STUDENTS.

SCHOOL POLICE AREN'T THE ANSWER

TO SCHOOL SHOOTINGS.

THE ANSWER TO THAT IS GUN

CONTROL.

AND WHEN WE THROW MORE COPS INTO

SCHOOLS, AS AN EASY WAY OUT OF

THAT DIFFICULT AND NECESSARY

CONVERSATION, WE NOT ONLY FAIL

TO KEEP OUR KIDS SAFE FROM GUN

VIOLENCE, WE CONDEMN THEM TO A

SYSTEM THAT CRIMINALIZES THE

VERY ESSENCE OF CHILDHOOD.

KIDS DESERVE TO BE ANNOYING

WITHOUT BEING ARRESTED.

TO BE SAD AND ANGRY WITHOUT

BEING BODY SLAMMED.

THEY DESERVE TO HAVE TANTRUMS,

THROW CARROTS, DO SCIENCE

EXPERIMENTS, TALK SHIT AND CARVE

THEIR NAME INTO STUFF WITHOUT

RISKING ENDING UP IN THE BACK OF

A POLICE CAR.

THEY DESERVE TO BE CURIOUS,

TO MAKE MISTAKES, TO GO A LITTLE

TOO FAR, TO BE A LITTLE TOO

LOUD.

TO BASICALLY BE A FUCKING KID.

AND THEY DEFINITELY DESERVE

BETTER THAN THE FUNDAMENTAL LIE

THAT THE ONLY THING THAT CAN

STOP A BAD GUY WITH A GUN

IS A GOOD GUY WHO CAN ARREST

A FIVE-YEAR-OLD.

AND NOW THIS.

>> Announcer: AND NOW PEOPLE

ON TV GET A LITTLE TOO BRITISH

FOR THE PLATINUM JUBILEE.

>> WELCOME BACK TO FOX 5 NEWS

LIVE IN LAS VEGAS.

I AM YOUR BRITISH CORRESPONDENT

KEN SMITH.

>> GOOD MORNING, EVERYBODY.

OR SHOULD I SAY CHEERIO, YOU

CHAPS.

>> CHEERIO.

>> CHEERIO.

>> HELLO.

HELLO, GOVERNOR.

>> ACROSS THE POND.

SPEAK WE HAVE TO MAKE HER

POSTURE IS GOOD.

CELEBRATE THE QUEEN.

>> PLATINUM JUBILEE.

>> PLATINUM JUBILEE.

>> W WILL WE READ THE NEWS IN AN

ACCENT?

>> I'VE BEEN USING AN ACCENT ALL

MORNING.

>> THE QUEEN.

HER CELEBRATIONS.

I'M NOT THE BEST.

>> A FOR EFFORT.

>> THAT'S LIKE MRS. DOUBTFIRE?

>> HELLO!

>> MRS. DOUBTFIRE.

>> DO THE REST OF THE SHOW IN A

BRITISH ACCENT.

>> I DON'T THINK I CAN.

>> QUESTIONS WHETHER SHE WILL BE

ABLE TO ATTEND HER OWN

CELEBRATION?

>> WHY?

>> IT'S BECAUSE OF HEALTH

ISSUES, SO I'M GOING TO DROP THE

ACCIDENT.

>> John: MOVING ON.

I KNOW THIS HAS BEEN

A GRIM COUPLE OF WEEKS, SO

BEFORE WE LEAVE, WE WANTED TO

TALK ABOUT SOMETHING JUST FUN.

SPECIFICALLY: BANANAS.

THE VERY WORST PART

OF A BANANA SPLIT.

AND THE REASON IS, THERE'S

ACTUALLY SOME URGENT, BREAKING

NEWS ABOUT BANANAS.

WELL, TO BE HONEST, IT'S NOT

REALLY URGENT OR BREAKING --

THIS HAPPENED LAST NOVEMBER.

IT'S BARELY EVEN NEWS.

BUT IT IS SOMETHING I WANT TO

SHOW YOU, MAINLY BECAUSE IT'S

SIMPLY AMAZING.

>> VANDALS HAVE ATTEMPTED TO

SEVER THE TOP OF A CONTROVERSIAL

BANANA AND SKULL SCULPTURE

IN FITZROY.

>> THE VANDAL APPEARED OUT OF

NOWHERE LAST NIGHT, CONCEALING

HIS IDENTITY, HIS MOTIVE

UNKNOWN.

>> John: YEAH.

THAT HAPPENED.

A GIANT AUSTRALIAN BANANA IN A

MELBOURNE SUBURB WAS VANDALIZED

WITH A SAW.

AND BY THE WAY -- WHAT A BANANA!

IT'S BASICALLY THE CATE

BLANCHETT OF BANANA SCULPTURES,

IN THAT IT'S A HAUNTINGLY PALE

AUSTRALIAN CREATURE WITH A VERY

STRIKING BONE STRUCTURE.

AND IF YOU'RE WONDERING WHO

WOULD DO A THING LIKE THIS, IT

TURNS OUT, A LOT OF PEOPLE THERE

HAD A MOTIVE BECAUSE THE BANANA

WAS NOT UNIVERSALLY BELOVED.

>> THE CONTROVERSIAL $22,000

WORK HIGHLIGHTING CLIMATE CHANGE

WAS FUNDED BY THE TAC,

PART OF A COUNCIL PROJECT TO

SLOW LOCAL TRAFFIC.

>> EVEN IN QUIRKY FITZROY,

THIS BANANA SPLIT LOCAL OPINION.

>> BRIGHTENS UP THE PLACE.

IT LOOKS GOOD.

>> I THINK OUR MONEY CAN BE

SPENT A LOT WISER.

WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO

REPRESENT?

COULD YOU TELL ME?

>> John: YEAH, PEOPLE WERE

PISSED OFF WITH THAT BANANA.

AND IT'S TRUE.

THE AIM OF THE SCULPTURE

WAS THAT IT WOULD REMIND

THE COMMUNITY ABOUT ROAD SAFETY

BY FORCING PEOPLE

TO SLOW DOWN.

ALTHOUGH I'D ARGUE THAT THIS IS

LESS OF A REMINDER TO SLOW DOWN,

AND MORE AN ENCOURAGEMENT TO

SPEED UP IN ORDER TO GET AWAY

FROM THIS DEMONIC BANANA AS SOON

AS POSSIBLE.

BUT AS FOR THIS WOMAN'S

QUESTION, "WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED

TO REPRESENT?"

WE CAN ACTUALLY HELP ANSWER THAT

FOR YOU.

>> THE TITLE IS FALLEN FRUIT.

>> CONFIDENCE WITHIN WESTERN

SOCIETY AND THE WAY WE'VE BEEN

DRAWN TOWARDS UNSUSTAINABLE

ACCESS.

>> John: WOW, YEAH, THAT IS NOT

THE STATEMENT I THOUGHT THAT

BANANA WAS MAKING!

THE STATEMENT I THOUGHT IT WAS

MAKING IS:

I AM A BIG WEIRD BANANA.

SO I WAS CLEARLY WAY OFF HERE.

NOW, SADLY, THE BANANA WAS

REMOVED AFTER THE VANDALISM, AND

WAS RECENTLY REPLACED BY THIS

GIANT YELLOW FLOWER POT, WHICH

IS CLEARLY NOT AS GOOD.

AND APPARENTLY, THERE'S NOW NO

SIGN OF WHETHER THE BANANA WILL

EVER BE BACK.

WHICH IS A HUGE SHAME.

BECAUSE WHAT'S THE REAL PROBLEM

HERE?

IT'S NOT LIKE AUSTRALIA ISN'T

FULL OF RIDICULOUS ENORMOUS

STATUES.

THERE'S A PROUD TRADITION

OF AUSTRALIAN BIG THINGS:

GIGANTIC SCULPTURES OF

COMMON OBJECTS, LIKE THE BIG

BANANA, WHICH DEMONSTRABLY LIVES

UP TO ITS NAME;

THIS GIANT KOALA BEAR, WHO LOOKS

ABSOLUTELY MORTIFIED;

AND THIS MASSIVE CROCODILE WITH

BOXING GLOVES WHOSE ROLE IS TO

ENTICE TOURISTS TO VISIT THE

VERY REAL TOWN OF HUMPTY DOO,

A STATEMENT SO OFFENSIVELY

AUSTRALIAN THAT, IF IT WEREN'T

TRUE, IT WOULD ACTUALLY BE

RACIST.

BUT SINCE THE CITIZENS OF

MELBOURNE SEEM TO THINK THAT

THEIR MONEY'S BEEN WASTED,

I MIGHT HAVE A SOLUTION.

I WILL GLADLY TAKE THAT BANANA

OFF YOUR HANDS.

WE'VE LONG HAD AN INTEREST IN

AUSTRALIAN ARTIFACTS ON THIS

SHOW.

YOU MAY REMEMBER THAT WE BOUGHT

RUSSELL CROWE'S JOCKSTRAP FROM

THE MOVIE "CINDERELLA MAN,"

AT HIS DIVORCE AUCTION,

INADVERTENTLY FUNDING

THE JOHN OLIVER KOALA

CHLAMYDIA WARD AT

THE AUSTRALIA ZOO.

I PROMISE IT MADE SENSE

AT THE TIME.

IT ALL MADE SENSE AT THE TIME.

THE POINT IS, MELBOURNE, I'M

WILLING TO BUY THAT GIANT BANANA

OFF YOU FOR EXACTLY TEN

AUSTRALIAN DOLLARS

PLUS A $10,000 DONATION TO YOUR

LOCAL FOOD BANK AND $5,000

TO HELP FURTHER FUND THE KOALA

CHLAMYDIA WARD.

BUT WAIT.

WAIT, I'M NOT DONE.

BECAUSE YOU MAY ALSO REMEMBER

THAT WE, TOO, HAVE A STATUE OF A

LARGE, BELLIGERENT REPTILE --

OURS IS AN ALLIGATOR GIVING THE

FINGER -- THAT WE MADE FOR OUR

CONFEDERACY SHOW.

IT'S BEEN SITTING IN OUR

OFFICES, POINTED DIRECTLY AT

DR. OZ'S OFFICES, SO IT COULD

TELL HIM TO GO FUCK HIMSELF

WHEN HE CAME TO WORK EVERY DAY.

BUT AS HE'S NOW GONE, AND AS OF

THIS WEEK, IS THE OFFICIAL

REPUBLICAN SENATE NOMINEE IN

PENNSYLVANIA, WE DON'T REALLY

NEED OUR ALLIGATOR ANYMORE.

WHICH BRINGS ME

TO OUR FULL OFFER.

BECAUSE MELBOURNE, I BELIEVE I

HAVE THE REPLACEMENT STATUE THAT

YOU'RE LOOKING FOR.

IF YOU TAKE US UP ON OUR DEAL,

WE WILL MAKE THOSE DONATIONS,

AND AS A SWEETENER, SEND YOU

THIS MAGNIFICENT CREATURE

ON A SHIP.

AND FRANKLY, I THINK IT'D FIT

RIGHT IN THERE.

WHAT COULD BE MORE AUSTRALIAN

THAN A DANGEROUS ANIMAL TELLING

ANYONE WHO COMES NEAR IT TO GO

FUCK THEMSELVES?

SO IF YOU TAKE US UP ON OUR

OFFER, THIS GUY'S YOURS,

MELBOURNE.

YOU HAVE EXACTLY ONE WEEK TO GET

BACK TO US.

SEND US YOUR BANANA!

THAT'S OUR SHOW.

THANK YOU SO

MUCH FOR WATCHING.

SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.

GOOD NIGHT!