Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:05,852 --> 00:00:07,984
Are you reading your own
John Stuart Mill book?
2
00:00:08,055 --> 00:00:09,388
I finally convinced the university
3
00:00:09,457 --> 00:00:10,556
to let me teach a class on Mill,
4
00:00:10,658 --> 00:00:12,791
so I'm brushing up
on my favorite anecdotes.
5
00:00:12,893 --> 00:00:15,360
Wrote a history of Rome at age 6
6
00:00:15,436 --> 00:00:17,201
- the scamp.
- That's it.
7
00:00:17,226 --> 00:00:19,070
We're losing the swear jar
and getting a dork jar.
8
00:00:19,125 --> 00:00:20,732
You owe a quarter for "scamp."
9
00:00:20,801 --> 00:00:22,364
I'm getting a hot tub next month.
10
00:00:22,446 --> 00:00:23,845
But it might not get off the ground.
11
00:00:23,914 --> 00:00:25,714
Only a few students
have signed up so far.
12
00:00:25,782 --> 00:00:27,382
You want to fill up the class?
13
00:00:27,451 --> 00:00:29,851
Just teach a subject kids care about.
14
00:00:29,920 --> 00:00:32,087
Like water slides or skateboard fails.
15
00:00:32,189 --> 00:00:35,123
- Good tips. Helpful.
- Uh-huh.
16
00:00:35,192 --> 00:00:36,358
You're still reading "Gone Girl"?
17
00:00:36,426 --> 00:00:37,893
Don't say it like that.
18
00:00:37,995 --> 00:00:39,528
- It's been years!
- Ohh.
19
00:00:39,596 --> 00:00:41,563
You checked that out on my library card.
20
00:00:41,665 --> 00:00:43,632
They're gonna revoke
my microfiche privileges!
21
00:00:43,687 --> 00:00:46,203
Another quarter. And it's not my fault.
22
00:00:46,264 --> 00:00:48,781
Every time I pick it up,
a child interrupts me.
23
00:00:50,223 --> 00:00:51,556
Is my breath really that bad?
24
00:00:52,793 --> 00:00:54,225
What's my Social Security number?
25
00:00:54,294 --> 00:00:55,860
A Nigerian prince needs it.
26
00:00:55,929 --> 00:00:57,996
Mom, is my nose bleeding?
27
00:00:58,098 --> 00:01:00,460
And then there's
the "I can't find my" s.
28
00:01:00,491 --> 00:01:01,866
Mom, I can't find my...
29
00:01:01,868 --> 00:01:02,778
- Backpack.
- Jacket.
30
00:01:02,803 --> 00:01:03,859
- Sneaker.
- Headphones.
31
00:01:03,898 --> 00:01:05,115
- Toothbrush.
- Other sneaker.
32
00:01:05,147 --> 00:01:06,144
- Turtle.
- Sunglasses.
33
00:01:06,169 --> 00:01:07,263
- Lucky socks.
- Keys.
34
00:01:07,288 --> 00:01:08,521
- Cufflinks.
- Lucky earrings.
35
00:01:08,546 --> 00:01:09,438
- Lipstick.
- Ascot.
36
00:01:09,463 --> 00:01:10,985
- Lucky hairband.
- Sunglasses.
37
00:01:11,010 --> 00:01:12,407
- Shoehorn.
- Lucky cough drop.
38
00:01:12,432 --> 00:01:13,274
- Charger.
- Charger.
39
00:01:13,299 --> 00:01:14,321
Lucky charger.
40
00:01:14,346 --> 00:01:16,391
I haven't had a moment to myself
41
00:01:16,416 --> 00:01:18,249
since Taylor kicked out my mucus plug.
42
00:01:18,352 --> 00:01:19,419
Lovely.
43
00:01:19,444 --> 00:01:20,919
One of you has to take me driving.
44
00:01:20,958 --> 00:01:22,954
I need 40 hours to get my license.
45
00:01:23,056 --> 00:01:24,889
I can't even complain
about being interrupted
46
00:01:24,992 --> 00:01:26,024
without being interrupted!
47
00:01:26,093 --> 00:01:27,459
There is nowhere that I can go
48
00:01:27,527 --> 00:01:29,461
to get away from these people.
49
00:01:29,563 --> 00:01:31,930
I decided what I wanted
for my big girl room.
50
00:01:32,032 --> 00:01:34,799
Direct your eyes to my vision board.
51
00:01:34,901 --> 00:01:37,102
It's Jackie O's 5th Avenue Apartment.
52
00:01:37,170 --> 00:01:39,537
I loved her ever since I saw her
in the Zapruder Film.
53
00:01:39,606 --> 00:01:40,972
We don't have money for new furniture,
54
00:01:41,041 --> 00:01:42,941
but you are free to use whatever
you find around the house.
55
00:01:43,010 --> 00:01:44,309
There's a bunch of old furniture
in the basement.
56
00:01:44,411 --> 00:01:45,744
If we don't have any money,
57
00:01:45,812 --> 00:01:47,946
then why does Taylor
have that fancy new hoodie?
58
00:01:50,784 --> 00:01:52,050
Didn't Trip buy that for her?
59
00:01:52,119 --> 00:01:54,886
No. She bought it with the money
she took from your wallet.
60
00:01:56,256 --> 00:01:57,188
Taylor, is that true?
61
00:01:57,257 --> 00:01:59,024
You said I could take a $20, so I did!
62
00:01:59,126 --> 00:02:00,525
Three times.
63
00:02:00,627 --> 00:02:02,127
- I'll pay you back!
- With what?
64
00:02:02,229 --> 00:02:04,029
With my future famous-person money.
65
00:02:04,131 --> 00:02:06,341
Oh! As long as you have a plan.
66
00:02:06,366 --> 00:02:08,266
- Thank you.
- You're grounded.
67
00:02:08,335 --> 00:02:10,335
Why couldn't you mind
your own stupid business?
68
00:02:10,437 --> 00:02:12,637
I'm 10! My business is boring!
69
00:02:12,706 --> 00:02:15,006
If Taylor gets a hoodie,
I want a driving instructor.
70
00:02:15,108 --> 00:02:16,441
Well, we all want things, Oliver.
71
00:02:16,543 --> 00:02:18,209
I want to finish this book
before cataracts
72
00:02:18,278 --> 00:02:19,444
make my eyes explode,
73
00:02:19,513 --> 00:02:20,912
but I don't think that's gonna happen.
74
00:02:22,916 --> 00:02:24,070
That's a library book!
75
00:02:24,117 --> 00:02:25,550
Another quarter.
76
00:02:25,652 --> 00:02:28,553
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
77
00:02:33,360 --> 00:02:35,493
Okay, Lonnie, you were 19 years old
78
00:02:35,595 --> 00:02:36,761
and the biggest thing on the Internet.
79
00:02:36,863 --> 00:02:38,830
What did you do with
your first check from YouTube?
80
00:02:38,932 --> 00:02:41,866
I bought a small town in Wyoming
and renamed it "Fartsville."
81
00:02:41,968 --> 00:02:43,301
They just got an Applebee's.
82
00:02:43,403 --> 00:02:45,136
Hey, after work,
83
00:02:45,238 --> 00:02:47,138
can you come with me to the aquarium?
84
00:02:47,240 --> 00:02:48,473
I need you to distract the guards
85
00:02:48,575 --> 00:02:49,741
while I jump into the shark tank.
86
00:02:49,843 --> 00:02:50,875
Why on Earth would you do that?
87
00:02:50,977 --> 00:02:52,110
Got to, bruh.
88
00:02:52,212 --> 00:02:54,012
There's this new guy chomping
at my likes on YouTube,
89
00:02:54,114 --> 00:02:55,213
Johnny Goodwin.
90
00:02:55,315 --> 00:02:56,514
So I have to do something huge,
91
00:02:56,616 --> 00:02:58,983
or Johnny's gonna snake my spot
as most-watched YouTuber.
92
00:02:59,086 --> 00:03:00,985
Look at this. Come here.
93
00:03:04,724 --> 00:03:06,124
Did he just throw a live crocodile
94
00:03:06,226 --> 00:03:07,325
into that man's bath?
95
00:03:07,427 --> 00:03:08,726
That's his dad.
96
00:03:08,829 --> 00:03:10,495
Yeah. He does tons of dad videos.
97
00:03:10,597 --> 00:03:12,297
It's spectacular content, yo.
98
00:03:12,399 --> 00:03:13,631
His dad could have lost any number
99
00:03:13,733 --> 00:03:15,333
of very important body parts.
100
00:03:15,435 --> 00:03:17,635
My pops is not a team player like that,
101
00:03:17,737 --> 00:03:19,137
so I got to go in with the sharks.
102
00:03:19,239 --> 00:03:20,371
I forbid it.
103
00:03:20,474 --> 00:03:22,440
As long as you're spending time
under my roof,
104
00:03:22,542 --> 00:03:23,775
you're not going to do anything stupid.
105
00:03:23,877 --> 00:03:25,510
And before you retort,
let me be clear...
106
00:03:25,612 --> 00:03:26,978
it is not Opposite Day
107
00:03:27,080 --> 00:03:28,580
and will never be Opposite Day.
108
00:03:28,682 --> 00:03:29,948
Hold up.
109
00:03:31,852 --> 00:03:33,952
- You could be my old dude.
- No.
110
00:03:34,054 --> 00:03:35,320
People already know you on my channel
111
00:03:35,422 --> 00:03:36,454
as Professor Badonkadonk.
112
00:03:36,556 --> 00:03:37,789
I'm not crazy about that.
113
00:03:37,891 --> 00:03:38,957
I'm not a Badonkadonk.
114
00:03:39,059 --> 00:03:40,425
I have a normal-sized fanny.
115
00:03:40,527 --> 00:03:42,460
If I'm not getting the most
likes when our book comes out,
116
00:03:42,562 --> 00:03:43,628
that's bad for sales.
117
00:03:43,730 --> 00:03:45,262
- Yeah, but...
- Which is bad for your bonus.
118
00:03:45,340 --> 00:03:46,525
- But...
- Which means...
119
00:03:46,549 --> 00:03:47,967
you spent the last five months with me
120
00:03:47,992 --> 00:03:50,092
getting pelted with paintballs
for no reason.
121
00:03:50,170 --> 00:03:51,236
Yeah, I still don't think...
122
00:03:51,338 --> 00:03:52,337
No reason!
123
00:03:52,439 --> 00:03:53,705
- Ow!
- No reason!
124
00:03:53,807 --> 00:03:55,140
- Ow!
- No reason!
125
00:03:55,242 --> 00:03:57,342
Ow! Okay, I'll help you!
126
00:03:57,444 --> 00:03:59,477
Yeah! The Donks is in!
127
00:03:59,579 --> 00:04:01,846
Come here, let me give
that ginormous ass a slap.
128
00:04:01,948 --> 00:04:03,148
It's not that big!
129
00:04:05,785 --> 00:04:08,019
Oliver wants driving lessons,
130
00:04:08,121 --> 00:04:10,255
and Anna-Kat and Taylor
are at each other's throats.
131
00:04:10,357 --> 00:04:12,223
I don't have a second for myself.
132
00:04:12,325 --> 00:04:14,459
Well, with the divorce and
splitting the kids with Richard,
133
00:04:14,561 --> 00:04:16,494
- all I have is time.
- Me too.
134
00:04:16,596 --> 00:04:18,563
Yesterday, I played "Fortnite"
on my kids' Xbox.
135
00:04:18,632 --> 00:04:20,231
- Oh.
- I had 18 kills,
136
00:04:20,333 --> 00:04:22,634
then I got shot by a 9-year-old
dressed like a banana.
137
00:04:22,736 --> 00:04:24,335
- Ohh.
- Divorce is amazing.
138
00:04:24,437 --> 00:04:26,571
The only downside is that,
if you fall in the shower,
139
00:04:26,673 --> 00:04:28,039
your kids are gonna find you naked.
140
00:04:28,141 --> 00:04:29,240
I'm not divorcing Greg.
141
00:04:29,342 --> 00:04:31,976
Well, I can't help you
with Taylor and...
142
00:04:34,114 --> 00:04:35,780
Anna-Kat.
143
00:04:35,882 --> 00:04:36,881
Yeah, Anna-Kat.
144
00:04:36,983 --> 00:04:38,483
Uh, but I will take Oliver driving.
145
00:04:38,552 --> 00:04:39,951
Thank you, and why?
146
00:04:40,020 --> 00:04:41,352
Yeah, you can't stand him.
147
00:04:41,421 --> 00:04:43,321
Uh, well, he's fun to yell at.
148
00:04:43,390 --> 00:04:46,024
He doesn't cry, but his eyes
get all glisteny like I like.
149
00:04:56,369 --> 00:04:57,702
Oh, dear!
150
00:05:01,608 --> 00:05:03,841
But, seriously, folks,
gorillas are endangered.
151
00:05:03,944 --> 00:05:06,010
Recycle, yo.
152
00:05:10,684 --> 00:05:12,217
Oh, dear!
153
00:05:13,687 --> 00:05:15,899
Yes!
154
00:05:15,968 --> 00:05:17,601
Disclaimer... no humans were harmed
155
00:05:17,670 --> 00:05:18,936
during the filming of this video.
156
00:05:19,038 --> 00:05:20,804
My tailbone.
157
00:05:24,176 --> 00:05:26,443
Oh, [bleep] dear!
158
00:05:30,249 --> 00:05:32,449
Oh, dear.
159
00:05:32,517 --> 00:05:35,152
You gots to be ready
for the second gorilla, Donks.
160
00:05:35,254 --> 00:05:37,821
You gots to!
161
00:05:37,890 --> 00:05:39,089
Forget Johnny Goodwin's dad.
162
00:05:39,158 --> 00:05:40,764
- You are racking up the likes!
- Yeah.
163
00:05:40,811 --> 00:05:42,359
As long as we keep
doing videos like these,
164
00:05:42,428 --> 00:05:45,429
our book sales are going to be
as fat as that ass.
165
00:05:45,498 --> 00:05:47,664
It's normal-sized!
166
00:05:47,767 --> 00:05:49,628
By the way, you don't have
a pacemaker, do you?
167
00:05:49,683 --> 00:05:51,502
You're not tasing me.
168
00:05:51,604 --> 00:05:53,637
You know what? Kate's right...
169
00:05:53,706 --> 00:05:56,673
sometimes, you can be exhausting, bruh.
170
00:06:00,346 --> 00:06:02,379
Where did you get that?
171
00:06:02,448 --> 00:06:03,814
I found it in the basement.
172
00:06:03,883 --> 00:06:06,750
Your dad and I used to have this
in our first apartment,
173
00:06:06,852 --> 00:06:08,919
before we had kids.
174
00:06:08,988 --> 00:06:10,754
Let me get in there.
175
00:06:13,325 --> 00:06:16,293
I loved this chair.
176
00:06:16,395 --> 00:06:19,196
I used to take naps in it
and read books.
177
00:06:19,265 --> 00:06:21,065
Books? Really?
178
00:06:21,133 --> 00:06:23,567
Huh. It's like learning you used
to be a figure skater.
179
00:06:23,669 --> 00:06:24,802
I know it's hard to believe,
180
00:06:24,904 --> 00:06:27,371
but before I had kids,
my brain used to work.
181
00:06:27,473 --> 00:06:28,639
Was there anything else down there?
182
00:06:28,707 --> 00:06:31,175
Oh, yeah. A bunch of other
weird old stuff,
183
00:06:31,277 --> 00:06:32,943
lot of photos and baby junk taking up
184
00:06:33,045 --> 00:06:35,145
perfectly good
fallout-shelter real estate.
185
00:06:42,254 --> 00:06:43,754
There.
186
00:06:43,823 --> 00:06:47,257
Now it looks exactly like
the old studio apartment
187
00:06:47,326 --> 00:06:48,492
Dad and I lived in.
188
00:06:48,594 --> 00:06:50,627
None of this was on my vision board.
189
00:06:50,729 --> 00:06:53,630
And I don't believe Jackie O
had a hot-dog toaster.
190
00:06:53,732 --> 00:06:56,133
When is Doris gonna take me driving?
191
00:06:56,235 --> 00:06:57,701
Mom, there's a party tonight.
192
00:06:57,770 --> 00:06:59,970
Can't you be cool and ground me
some other time?
193
00:07:00,039 --> 00:07:03,340
Hey. You wanna hear the most
beautiful sound in the world?
194
00:07:03,442 --> 00:07:05,075
Yeah.
195
00:07:05,144 --> 00:07:07,280
- Mom!
- Seriously?!
196
00:07:07,305 --> 00:07:08,545
- Mom, it's my room!
- Why can't I go to the party?!
197
00:07:08,614 --> 00:07:10,080
When is Doris gonna take me driving?!
198
00:07:10,182 --> 00:07:14,451
♪ Somebody once told me
the world is gonna roll me ♪
199
00:07:14,553 --> 00:07:18,789
♪ I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed ♪
200
00:07:18,891 --> 00:07:20,924
♪ She was looking kind of dumb ♪
201
00:07:21,026 --> 00:07:23,193
♪ With her finger and her thumb ♪
202
00:07:23,295 --> 00:07:28,198
♪ In the shape of an "L"
on her forehead ♪
203
00:07:28,253 --> 00:07:30,672
♪ Hey, now, you're an all-star ♪
204
00:07:34,848 --> 00:07:36,602
If you have a complaint,
demand, a question
205
00:07:36,665 --> 00:07:38,583
about anything other
than last night's episode
206
00:07:38,651 --> 00:07:40,639
of "The Bachelor," I'm not here!
207
00:07:41,654 --> 00:07:43,754
What's going on in...
208
00:07:43,857 --> 00:07:45,089
This looks like our old apartment.
209
00:07:45,191 --> 00:07:47,492
- Isn't it amazing?
- It is.
210
00:07:47,594 --> 00:07:49,694
Plus...
211
00:07:49,762 --> 00:07:52,029
I saw Lonnie Googling,
"How poisonous are scorpions?"
212
00:07:52,098 --> 00:07:54,031
So it's nice to be
in a safe place right now.
213
00:07:54,100 --> 00:07:57,101
Oh, my God, the tiki bar.
214
00:07:57,170 --> 00:07:58,903
The easy charm of French Polynesia
215
00:07:58,972 --> 00:08:01,906
with none of
the painful colonialist scars.
216
00:08:02,008 --> 00:08:04,442
The lamp I used to hit my head on.
217
00:08:04,511 --> 00:08:06,978
The chair we accidentally made
Taylor in.
218
00:08:07,080 --> 00:08:08,312
The old VCR!
219
00:08:08,381 --> 00:08:11,315
It still has "How to Make an
American Quilt" jammed inside.
220
00:08:11,384 --> 00:08:13,017
I think, of all the group sewing movies,
221
00:08:13,086 --> 00:08:14,418
- that one is my favorite.
- Mm.
222
00:08:14,487 --> 00:08:15,586
So, what does Anna-Kat think
of her new room?
223
00:08:15,688 --> 00:08:17,188
Bup-bup-bup-bup! Hup!
224
00:08:17,290 --> 00:08:20,458
We don't have kids yet, Greg. It's 1999.
225
00:08:20,527 --> 00:08:23,794
My only obligation
is to finally finish this book.
226
00:08:23,863 --> 00:08:26,931
My devil sticks!
227
00:08:27,000 --> 00:08:28,666
I used to rock these.
228
00:08:28,768 --> 00:08:29,867
Hup!
229
00:08:33,106 --> 00:08:34,906
I'm not going through this again.
230
00:08:39,078 --> 00:08:41,812
Wow, you're giving me
driving lessons in a Bentley?
231
00:08:41,915 --> 00:08:43,614
Mm-hmm.
232
00:08:43,683 --> 00:08:46,083
Hey! Stop groping my car, perv!
233
00:08:46,185 --> 00:08:47,652
Get in.
234
00:08:50,156 --> 00:08:51,422
You're not sitting up here with me?
235
00:08:51,491 --> 00:08:52,456
No.
236
00:08:52,559 --> 00:08:54,625
You know I don't like being around you.
237
00:08:54,694 --> 00:08:56,127
Then why did you offer to drive with me?
238
00:08:56,195 --> 00:08:57,628
I'm getting dental work done.
239
00:08:57,697 --> 00:08:59,463
They're putting me under
and say I need someone I know
240
00:08:59,532 --> 00:09:01,132
- to drive me home.
- Why me?
241
00:09:01,200 --> 00:09:03,067
Because the procedure takes three hours,
242
00:09:03,136 --> 00:09:04,769
and I didn't want to make anyone wait.
243
00:09:04,837 --> 00:09:06,337
Your time is worth nothing.
244
00:09:06,439 --> 00:09:07,371
Drive!
245
00:09:14,280 --> 00:09:15,212
Where am I going?
246
00:09:15,315 --> 00:09:16,480
Just get on the Parkway.
247
00:09:16,549 --> 00:09:18,549
Oh, no, I only know how
to drive on regular streets.
248
00:09:18,618 --> 00:09:20,618
- Take the Parkway.
- I'm not ready.
249
00:09:20,720 --> 00:09:21,752
The Parkway!
250
00:09:21,854 --> 00:09:23,254
You're right.
Studies show that screaming
251
00:09:23,356 --> 00:09:25,289
improves both confidence and cognition.
252
00:09:25,358 --> 00:09:27,191
Stop overthinking it and just go!
253
00:09:27,260 --> 00:09:29,060
You're a bully, and I won't be bullied.
254
00:09:29,162 --> 00:09:30,294
I help kids deal with people like you
255
00:09:30,396 --> 00:09:31,762
every day at Teen Help Line.
256
00:09:31,864 --> 00:09:33,965
Ugh! Teen Help Line.
257
00:09:34,067 --> 00:09:36,233
This is how every call should go.
258
00:09:36,302 --> 00:09:38,436
"Thanks for calling Teen Help Line.
259
00:09:38,538 --> 00:09:40,471
Time to sack up, loser!"
260
00:09:47,246 --> 00:09:48,512
I did it!
261
00:09:48,581 --> 00:09:50,247
I finally finished "Gone Girl."
262
00:09:50,350 --> 00:09:51,716
- Well?
- Didn't care for it.
263
00:09:51,784 --> 00:09:53,117
Should have just watched the movie.
264
00:09:53,219 --> 00:09:55,286
At least I would have seen
some Affleck peen.
265
00:09:55,355 --> 00:09:57,421
Should we go back out in the real world?
266
00:09:57,523 --> 00:09:59,190
I have to work on
the John Stuart Mill syllabus
267
00:09:59,258 --> 00:10:00,758
for my three students.
268
00:10:00,827 --> 00:10:03,761
Or we could stay in here a bit longer.
269
00:10:03,863 --> 00:10:06,497
What else did we used to do back then?
270
00:10:06,566 --> 00:10:07,965
We still do that now.
271
00:10:08,034 --> 00:10:09,333
Not the way we used to.
272
00:10:09,402 --> 00:10:10,701
Well, if we're gonna do it that way,
273
00:10:10,770 --> 00:10:12,169
I need 15 minutes to stretch.
274
00:10:17,710 --> 00:10:19,910
I like post-dental surgery Doris.
275
00:10:20,013 --> 00:10:21,145
I've been driving for 10 minutes,
276
00:10:21,247 --> 00:10:22,780
and you haven't pointed out
any of the places
277
00:10:22,882 --> 00:10:25,616
I'm gonna start balding.
278
00:10:25,718 --> 00:10:28,519
I can't believe he just walked out.
279
00:10:28,588 --> 00:10:30,421
He didn't even want to work on it.
280
00:10:30,490 --> 00:10:31,622
The dentist?
281
00:10:31,724 --> 00:10:33,324
What is going on in your mouth?
282
00:10:33,393 --> 00:10:35,292
No. Richard.
283
00:10:35,361 --> 00:10:37,495
Just forget I said anything, okay?
284
00:10:37,597 --> 00:10:39,163
I'm all sideways from the nitrous.
285
00:10:39,232 --> 00:10:42,333
And I might've taken a few
pre-game anti-anxiety pals.
286
00:10:42,402 --> 00:10:43,834
Pills.
287
00:10:43,903 --> 00:10:45,836
No, they're my pals.
288
00:10:45,905 --> 00:10:47,672
If you want to talk about it,
I'm here to listen.
289
00:10:47,740 --> 00:10:49,240
Do not Teen Help Line me,
290
00:10:49,342 --> 00:10:52,777
or I will teen face punch you.
291
00:10:52,845 --> 00:10:55,279
Richard should be driving me home.
292
00:10:55,381 --> 00:10:58,482
He was my
"in case of emergency" contact.
293
00:10:58,551 --> 00:11:01,385
Now you are! Ugh!
294
00:11:01,454 --> 00:11:03,621
And I thought sleeping
with my dog's allergist
295
00:11:03,723 --> 00:11:05,423
was rock bottom...
296
00:11:05,525 --> 00:11:07,024
Why didn't you call my mom or Angela?
297
00:11:07,093 --> 00:11:08,826
I didn't want their pity.
298
00:11:08,928 --> 00:11:10,528
I'm always telling them how divorce
299
00:11:10,596 --> 00:11:12,863
and all the free time I have now
is amazing.
300
00:11:12,932 --> 00:11:14,298
But it's not.
301
00:11:14,400 --> 00:11:16,167
It's really lonely.
302
00:11:16,235 --> 00:11:18,536
Well, the best thing to do
is talk about your feelings.
303
00:11:18,604 --> 00:11:20,504
- You know, get out...
- There's a gun in my glove compartment!
304
00:11:20,606 --> 00:11:21,605
Shoot me with it!
305
00:11:23,843 --> 00:11:25,943
All right.
306
00:11:26,012 --> 00:11:27,344
You were saying?
307
00:11:27,413 --> 00:11:28,813
You may not be able to see it now,
308
00:11:28,848 --> 00:11:30,047
but you're lucky.
309
00:11:30,149 --> 00:11:32,183
You've got close friends.
310
00:11:32,251 --> 00:11:34,452
And if you stop pretending to be
so tough all the time
311
00:11:34,520 --> 00:11:35,753
and open up to them,
312
00:11:35,822 --> 00:11:37,988
I'm confident that, with their help,
313
00:11:38,091 --> 00:11:39,490
you'll be able to move on from Richard
314
00:11:39,592 --> 00:11:42,326
and have a fulfilling, happy life.
315
00:11:45,698 --> 00:11:46,664
Holy crap!
316
00:11:46,766 --> 00:11:47,631
What?!
317
00:11:47,700 --> 00:11:48,766
You're on the Parkway.
318
00:11:48,835 --> 00:11:50,534
Hey, I am.
319
00:11:50,603 --> 00:11:51,869
Guess I was so busy talking to you,
320
00:11:51,971 --> 00:11:53,804
I didn't think about it.
321
00:11:53,906 --> 00:11:55,606
I'm driving on the Parkway.
322
00:11:55,675 --> 00:11:57,508
Now let me give you some advice...
323
00:11:57,610 --> 00:11:59,610
do not do drugs.
324
00:11:59,679 --> 00:12:01,645
But if you do, you should take
whatever I'm on,
325
00:12:01,748 --> 00:12:05,213
because I am feeling gooood.
326
00:12:10,389 --> 00:12:12,022
Since Mom is making you stay in my room,
327
00:12:12,091 --> 00:12:13,390
I guess I have to tell you
I'm sneaking out
328
00:12:13,459 --> 00:12:14,425
to go to that party.
329
00:12:14,527 --> 00:12:16,227
You're grounded.
Mom's not gonna like it.
330
00:12:17,597 --> 00:12:18,696
So you're gonna tattle again?
331
00:12:18,798 --> 00:12:21,098
It's not tattling.
It's just telling Mom the truth.
332
00:12:22,201 --> 00:12:23,667
You need to get on my side.
333
00:12:23,770 --> 00:12:24,935
It goes both ways.
334
00:12:25,037 --> 00:12:26,771
You cover for me, I cover for you.
335
00:12:26,839 --> 00:12:28,439
I don't need you to cover for me.
336
00:12:28,508 --> 00:12:29,874
But eventually you will.
337
00:12:29,976 --> 00:12:31,842
You're gonna want to do things
they don't want you to do.
338
00:12:31,911 --> 00:12:33,577
Like get that Hindenburg tattoo.
339
00:12:33,646 --> 00:12:37,314
"Oh, the humanity"
written amongst the flames.
340
00:12:37,416 --> 00:12:39,350
To do it right, it'd need
to cover my whole back.
341
00:12:39,452 --> 00:12:40,985
Mom's not gonna let you do that.
342
00:12:41,087 --> 00:12:43,554
So when you do it anyways,
you need me on your side.
343
00:12:43,623 --> 00:12:44,755
And the only way I'm gonna do that
344
00:12:44,824 --> 00:12:46,457
is if you're on my side.
345
00:12:46,559 --> 00:12:47,958
Squid pro quo.
346
00:12:48,060 --> 00:12:49,527
- You shouldn't go.
- I have to.
347
00:12:49,595 --> 00:12:51,595
The party is all everyone
will be talking about
348
00:12:51,697 --> 00:12:54,698
at lunch on Monday,
going like, "That was so epic,"
349
00:12:54,801 --> 00:12:57,034
and I'll be like,
"Totes MaGotes Papa Choats,"
350
00:12:57,103 --> 00:12:59,203
and they'll be like, "L."
351
00:13:00,506 --> 00:13:02,573
It's a grown-up thing.
You wouldn't understand.
352
00:13:05,344 --> 00:13:08,179
♪ That's the way I like it
and I never get bored ♪
353
00:13:08,247 --> 00:13:12,650
♪ Hey, now, you're an all-star,
get your game on, go play ♪
354
00:13:12,752 --> 00:13:16,987
♪ Hey, now, you're a rock star,
get the show on, get paid ♪
355
00:13:17,089 --> 00:13:20,057
- ♪ All that glitters is gold ♪
- In here, it is 1999.
356
00:13:20,126 --> 00:13:22,193
- No kids.
- No exes.
357
00:13:22,261 --> 00:13:23,327
- No "Fortnite."
- ♪ Only shooting stars ♪
358
00:13:23,388 --> 00:13:24,453
♪ Break the mold ♪
359
00:13:24,564 --> 00:13:26,130
Seriously, I cannot stop playing.
360
00:13:26,199 --> 00:13:27,932
I haven't gone to work in two days.
361
00:13:29,635 --> 00:13:31,602
Katie?
362
00:13:31,704 --> 00:13:33,204
Be cool.
363
00:13:33,306 --> 00:13:34,471
It's my old man.
364
00:13:34,574 --> 00:13:35,539
Mm.
365
00:13:37,543 --> 00:13:39,476
Hey, honey.
366
00:13:39,579 --> 00:13:41,078
It's midnight. What's going on with you?
367
00:13:41,180 --> 00:13:42,513
You've been locked in that room
for 12 hours.
368
00:13:42,615 --> 00:13:44,748
And yet... I have never felt more free.
369
00:13:44,851 --> 00:13:46,884
Greg, kids are like a 24-hour diner...
370
00:13:46,986 --> 00:13:48,752
once it opens, it never closes.
371
00:13:48,821 --> 00:13:51,121
And you can't skip a shift. Ever.
372
00:13:51,224 --> 00:13:52,756
This room is taking me back
373
00:13:52,859 --> 00:13:54,458
before we opened our diner.
374
00:13:54,560 --> 00:13:55,960
I'm tired.
375
00:13:56,028 --> 00:13:57,962
- And I just need a break.
- I get that.
376
00:13:58,030 --> 00:14:00,231
But just for my own crazy
wanting-to-know-what's-going-on,
377
00:14:00,299 --> 00:14:01,999
how long are you planning
to pretend you don't have kids?
378
00:14:02,068 --> 00:14:03,467
How long did I pretend
my hand was broken
379
00:14:03,536 --> 00:14:05,603
- so you had to do all the cooking?
- Six months.
380
00:14:05,671 --> 00:14:06,770
That sounds about right.
381
00:14:06,839 --> 00:14:08,005
Taylor?
382
00:14:10,142 --> 00:14:12,576
Cover my tables. I'm calling in sick.
383
00:14:12,678 --> 00:14:14,445
What do you think you're doing?
384
00:14:14,547 --> 00:14:18,148
I was just downstairs
getting a midnight snack.
385
00:14:18,251 --> 00:14:19,383
Dressed like that?
386
00:14:23,589 --> 00:14:25,656
Is there anything I could say
that would get me out of this?
387
00:14:25,725 --> 00:14:27,358
I'm taking suggestions.
388
00:14:27,426 --> 00:14:29,193
Go to your room.
389
00:14:29,262 --> 00:14:30,761
I will deal with you in the morning.
390
00:14:34,293 --> 00:14:37,595
She didn't even try
climbing up the trellis.
391
00:14:37,650 --> 00:14:39,540
She just waltzed
right into the front door.
392
00:14:39,603 --> 00:14:41,283
What kind of sneaking is that?
393
00:14:41,330 --> 00:14:43,611
Ohh! That reflects so poorly
on me as a mother.
394
00:14:43,682 --> 00:14:47,383
Katie, you cannot leave me
with 1999 Doris.
395
00:14:47,485 --> 00:14:49,819
She keeps doing the "Wassup" commercial.
396
00:14:49,921 --> 00:14:51,950
- Wassup?!
- See?
397
00:14:53,466 --> 00:14:55,809
I just wanted to take a little break,
398
00:14:55,891 --> 00:14:57,621
but you couldn't let me, could you?
399
00:14:57,700 --> 00:14:58,799
I know what happened.
400
00:14:58,901 --> 00:15:00,868
You saw a little glimmer
of freedom in my eye,
401
00:15:00,936 --> 00:15:03,637
and you couldn't stand it,
and you had to snuff it out!
402
00:15:03,706 --> 00:15:05,372
You're a mother-snuffer!
403
00:15:05,519 --> 00:15:07,499
It wasn't Taylor's fault.
404
00:15:10,126 --> 00:15:11,225
When I was going to bed,
405
00:15:11,327 --> 00:15:13,227
I realized I'd left my jacket
at the park,
406
00:15:13,295 --> 00:15:14,990
so Taylor went to go get it for me.
407
00:15:15,052 --> 00:15:16,751
Then why was she all dressed up?
408
00:15:18,667 --> 00:15:22,302
There was a fashion flash mob
at the same time.
409
00:15:22,371 --> 00:15:24,004
To raise awareness
for the garment industry
410
00:15:24,106 --> 00:15:25,239
working conditions.
411
00:15:25,341 --> 00:15:26,407
How did Taylor know about it?
412
00:15:26,509 --> 00:15:28,208
How did you not know?
413
00:15:28,310 --> 00:15:30,110
Offline Otto over here.
414
00:15:30,179 --> 00:15:33,380
So Taylor went and got my jacket for me.
415
00:15:33,449 --> 00:15:36,617
'Cause that's what sisters do.
They have each other's backs.
416
00:15:37,992 --> 00:15:39,720
That is the most ridiculous...
417
00:15:39,767 --> 00:15:41,588
Okay. Thank you for clearing that up.
418
00:15:41,634 --> 00:15:44,356
Very nice of you, Taylor.
Saved me a trip.
419
00:15:44,458 --> 00:15:46,058
- You're welcome.
- Mm-hmm.
420
00:15:48,896 --> 00:15:51,030
Are you still drunk?
421
00:15:51,132 --> 00:15:52,064
A little.
422
00:15:52,166 --> 00:15:54,200
Listen, I've got some good news
423
00:15:54,268 --> 00:15:55,267
and bad news.
424
00:15:55,369 --> 00:15:56,302
Okay, let's start with the good news.
425
00:15:56,370 --> 00:15:58,837
Anna-Kat was covering for Taylor.
426
00:15:58,906 --> 00:16:00,573
She has never done that before.
427
00:16:00,675 --> 00:16:02,007
Don't you see what this means?
428
00:16:02,076 --> 00:16:03,209
I have some ideas, but I sense
429
00:16:03,311 --> 00:16:04,476
you really just want to say your thing.
430
00:16:04,579 --> 00:16:07,713
The kids are starting
to take care of one another.
431
00:16:07,815 --> 00:16:09,351
If I'm not available,
432
00:16:09,375 --> 00:16:11,389
they will turn to each other and not me.
433
00:16:11,414 --> 00:16:13,029
That means I get more breaks!
434
00:16:13,054 --> 00:16:14,887
I'm gonna go check on Doris.
435
00:16:14,989 --> 00:16:16,753
She went pretty hard last night,
passed out.
436
00:16:16,778 --> 00:16:18,411
Wait, what's the bad news?
437
00:16:18,513 --> 00:16:20,846
Anna-Kat is a terrible liar.
438
00:16:20,915 --> 00:16:23,816
Once again, this reflects poorly
on me as a mother.
439
00:16:29,590 --> 00:16:30,890
- Aah!
- Oh, dear!
440
00:16:31,960 --> 00:16:33,891
Ah!
441
00:16:33,915 --> 00:16:35,060
Come on, Lonnie!
442
00:16:35,098 --> 00:16:36,827
You've done this same prank
so many times!
443
00:16:36,930 --> 00:16:38,496
No, this one's totally different.
444
00:16:38,598 --> 00:16:41,098
I'm a lady gorilla.
Didn't you notice the bikini?
445
00:16:41,200 --> 00:16:42,600
The future is female, bruh.
446
00:16:42,702 --> 00:16:44,035
I'm not doing your videos anymore.
447
00:16:44,137 --> 00:16:46,806
The book isn't worth it.
I'm a respected educator.
448
00:16:46,831 --> 00:16:48,330
My job is to make the world smarter.
449
00:16:48,355 --> 00:16:50,408
These videos are clearly
only making it dumber.
450
00:16:50,433 --> 00:16:51,690
So, enough is enough.
451
00:16:51,759 --> 00:16:54,626
I'm Professor Otto,
not Professor Badonkadonk!
452
00:16:56,630 --> 00:16:58,001
Don't worry, folks. He doesn't mean it.
453
00:16:58,026 --> 00:16:59,041
It's Opposite Day.
454
00:16:59,066 --> 00:17:00,282
I said it would never be Opposite Day!
455
00:17:00,307 --> 00:17:02,834
Yeah, but you said it on Opposite Day!
456
00:17:09,409 --> 00:17:12,811
You did some damage last night.
457
00:17:16,049 --> 00:17:18,650
I'm miserable being divorced.
458
00:17:18,752 --> 00:17:20,585
I had a feeling.
459
00:17:20,654 --> 00:17:23,021
- Why didn't you say something?
- Pbht!
460
00:17:23,090 --> 00:17:25,791
You know that I'm here for you.
461
00:17:25,859 --> 00:17:29,561
Yeah. I do.
462
00:17:29,663 --> 00:17:31,663
Okay.
463
00:17:31,765 --> 00:17:33,981
Look, I know you said
no kid talk last night...
464
00:17:34,074 --> 00:17:35,997
- Mhmm.
- But I want to tell you something,
465
00:17:36,051 --> 00:17:39,204
and this isn't easy for me to say...
466
00:17:39,273 --> 00:17:43,575
Oliver is really becoming...
467
00:17:43,644 --> 00:17:45,844
less hateable.
468
00:17:45,946 --> 00:17:47,512
Are you trying to tell me
469
00:17:47,581 --> 00:17:49,648
that you are starting to like him?
470
00:17:49,750 --> 00:17:50,916
No. Never!
471
00:17:51,018 --> 00:17:55,287
I'm just saying he's... detestable lite.
472
00:17:56,723 --> 00:17:57,956
I was in a bad way yesterday,
473
00:17:58,025 --> 00:18:01,059
and he really helped me
through something.
474
00:18:01,161 --> 00:18:04,563
Parenting is such a grind,
475
00:18:04,631 --> 00:18:06,698
but then someone comes along
and tells you
476
00:18:06,800 --> 00:18:09,401
that your son is a good kid...
477
00:18:09,469 --> 00:18:10,969
I never said "good kid."
478
00:18:11,038 --> 00:18:12,504
It makes you not want to pretend
479
00:18:12,573 --> 00:18:14,239
that you don't have them anymore.
480
00:18:15,776 --> 00:18:16,942
I'm glad I could help.
481
00:18:17,010 --> 00:18:19,578
Now I really got to do something
about this hangover.
482
00:18:24,885 --> 00:18:27,904
Oliver, quit doing gross boy stuff!
483
00:18:27,929 --> 00:18:29,757
I need you to drive me to Taco Bell!
484
00:18:39,351 --> 00:18:40,576
You're here for John Stuart Mill:
485
00:18:40,601 --> 00:18:42,076
An Intro to Utilitarianism?
486
00:18:42,101 --> 00:18:43,835
Damn straight!
487
00:18:43,860 --> 00:18:44,913
Okay.
488
00:18:44,938 --> 00:18:46,071
Wow.
489
00:18:46,173 --> 00:18:47,572
Well, welcome, everyone.
490
00:18:48,876 --> 00:18:50,131
Dude, say, "Oh, dear!"
491
00:18:51,712 --> 00:18:53,278
Oh.
492
00:18:58,352 --> 00:19:00,912
My name is Professor Otto.
493
00:19:04,992 --> 00:19:07,392
- This sucks.
- Let's get outta here.
494
00:19:13,233 --> 00:19:17,102
The cornerstone of Mill's philosophy
495
00:19:17,204 --> 00:19:18,770
is the greatest happiness
496
00:19:18,839 --> 00:19:20,138
for the greatest number of people
497
00:19:20,240 --> 00:19:22,340
should be the guiding principle
of any conduct.
498
00:19:23,410 --> 00:19:24,542
With that in mind,
499
00:19:24,645 --> 00:19:26,011
I give you...
500
00:19:26,113 --> 00:19:28,513
Badonkadonk!
501
00:19:28,615 --> 00:19:31,063
Date my mom, Professor Badonkadonk!
502
00:19:31,088 --> 00:19:33,588
Whoo! Badonkadonk!
503
00:19:33,620 --> 00:19:35,220
Let's get started.
504
00:19:38,108 --> 00:19:40,341
I think this is the last
of your old stuff.
505
00:19:40,444 --> 00:19:42,510
Sorry I stole your room
for a little while.
506
00:19:42,612 --> 00:19:43,778
It's okay, Mom.
507
00:19:43,880 --> 00:19:46,114
Mood swings are very common
for a woman your age,
508
00:19:46,216 --> 00:19:47,816
as well as hot flashes and...
509
00:19:47,918 --> 00:19:49,484
Anna-Kat, I'm not even 40!
510
00:19:49,586 --> 00:19:51,019
...irritability.
511
00:19:51,121 --> 00:19:52,187
Moving on.
512
00:19:52,289 --> 00:19:54,456
Dad and I talked about it,
513
00:19:54,558 --> 00:19:57,125
and we are going to find a way
to buy you some of that stuff
514
00:19:57,227 --> 00:19:58,693
that you want for your big girl room.
515
00:19:58,732 --> 00:20:00,432
- Are you serious?
- Mm-hmm.
516
00:20:03,171 --> 00:20:04,270
Thanks, Mom.
517
00:20:07,247 --> 00:20:08,947
I don't care what anyone else says...
518
00:20:08,972 --> 00:20:11,450
I think you're handling
menopause with a lot of grace.
519
00:20:16,219 --> 00:20:19,258
Well, I guess in the end,
520
00:20:19,329 --> 00:20:21,734
I married the person I thought
my parents wanted me to marry.
521
00:20:21,789 --> 00:20:23,260
Not the man I wanted to marry.
522
00:20:23,369 --> 00:20:25,599
I thought you were supposed to
talk to my mom about this stuff.
523
00:20:25,624 --> 00:20:27,469
Well, she doesn't always have
the best advice.
524
00:20:27,501 --> 00:20:28,860
Plus, she doesn't know anything
about divorce.
525
00:20:28,885 --> 00:20:30,096
And I do?
526
00:20:30,121 --> 00:20:33,307
Well, you're very familiar
with loneliness, I imagine.
527
00:20:33,402 --> 00:20:35,511
For your information,
I am single by choice.
528
00:20:35,566 --> 00:20:37,978
Yeah, other people's choice.
529
00:20:39,599 --> 00:20:41,568
I see you're feeling better.
530
00:20:41,622 --> 00:20:44,726
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
38602
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.