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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:05,852 --> 00:00:07,984 Are you reading your own John Stuart Mill book? 2 00:00:08,055 --> 00:00:09,388 I finally convinced the university 3 00:00:09,457 --> 00:00:10,556 to let me teach a class on Mill, 4 00:00:10,658 --> 00:00:12,791 so I'm brushing up on my favorite anecdotes. 5 00:00:12,893 --> 00:00:15,360 Wrote a history of Rome at age 6 6 00:00:15,436 --> 00:00:17,201 - the scamp. - That's it. 7 00:00:17,226 --> 00:00:19,070 We're losing the swear jar and getting a dork jar. 8 00:00:19,125 --> 00:00:20,732 You owe a quarter for "scamp." 9 00:00:20,801 --> 00:00:22,364 I'm getting a hot tub next month. 10 00:00:22,446 --> 00:00:23,845 But it might not get off the ground. 11 00:00:23,914 --> 00:00:25,714 Only a few students have signed up so far. 12 00:00:25,782 --> 00:00:27,382 You want to fill up the class? 13 00:00:27,451 --> 00:00:29,851 Just teach a subject kids care about. 14 00:00:29,920 --> 00:00:32,087 Like water slides or skateboard fails. 15 00:00:32,189 --> 00:00:35,123 - Good tips. Helpful. - Uh-huh. 16 00:00:35,192 --> 00:00:36,358 You're still reading "Gone Girl"? 17 00:00:36,426 --> 00:00:37,893 Don't say it like that. 18 00:00:37,995 --> 00:00:39,528 - It's been years! - Ohh. 19 00:00:39,596 --> 00:00:41,563 You checked that out on my library card. 20 00:00:41,665 --> 00:00:43,632 They're gonna revoke my microfiche privileges! 21 00:00:43,687 --> 00:00:46,203 Another quarter. And it's not my fault. 22 00:00:46,264 --> 00:00:48,781 Every time I pick it up, a child interrupts me. 23 00:00:50,223 --> 00:00:51,556 Is my breath really that bad? 24 00:00:52,793 --> 00:00:54,225 What's my Social Security number? 25 00:00:54,294 --> 00:00:55,860 A Nigerian prince needs it. 26 00:00:55,929 --> 00:00:57,996 Mom, is my nose bleeding? 27 00:00:58,098 --> 00:01:00,460 And then there's the "I can't find my" s. 28 00:01:00,491 --> 00:01:01,866 Mom, I can't find my... 29 00:01:01,868 --> 00:01:02,778 - Backpack. - Jacket. 30 00:01:02,803 --> 00:01:03,859 - Sneaker. - Headphones. 31 00:01:03,898 --> 00:01:05,115 - Toothbrush. - Other sneaker. 32 00:01:05,147 --> 00:01:06,144 - Turtle. - Sunglasses. 33 00:01:06,169 --> 00:01:07,263 - Lucky socks. - Keys. 34 00:01:07,288 --> 00:01:08,521 - Cufflinks. - Lucky earrings. 35 00:01:08,546 --> 00:01:09,438 - Lipstick. - Ascot. 36 00:01:09,463 --> 00:01:10,985 - Lucky hairband. - Sunglasses. 37 00:01:11,010 --> 00:01:12,407 - Shoehorn. - Lucky cough drop. 38 00:01:12,432 --> 00:01:13,274 - Charger. - Charger. 39 00:01:13,299 --> 00:01:14,321 Lucky charger. 40 00:01:14,346 --> 00:01:16,391 I haven't had a moment to myself 41 00:01:16,416 --> 00:01:18,249 since Taylor kicked out my mucus plug. 42 00:01:18,352 --> 00:01:19,419 Lovely. 43 00:01:19,444 --> 00:01:20,919 One of you has to take me driving. 44 00:01:20,958 --> 00:01:22,954 I need 40 hours to get my license. 45 00:01:23,056 --> 00:01:24,889 I can't even complain about being interrupted 46 00:01:24,992 --> 00:01:26,024 without being interrupted! 47 00:01:26,093 --> 00:01:27,459 There is nowhere that I can go 48 00:01:27,527 --> 00:01:29,461 to get away from these people. 49 00:01:29,563 --> 00:01:31,930 I decided what I wanted for my big girl room. 50 00:01:32,032 --> 00:01:34,799 Direct your eyes to my vision board. 51 00:01:34,901 --> 00:01:37,102 It's Jackie O's 5th Avenue Apartment. 52 00:01:37,170 --> 00:01:39,537 I loved her ever since I saw her in the Zapruder Film. 53 00:01:39,606 --> 00:01:40,972 We don't have money for new furniture, 54 00:01:41,041 --> 00:01:42,941 but you are free to use whatever you find around the house. 55 00:01:43,010 --> 00:01:44,309 There's a bunch of old furniture in the basement. 56 00:01:44,411 --> 00:01:45,744 If we don't have any money, 57 00:01:45,812 --> 00:01:47,946 then why does Taylor have that fancy new hoodie? 58 00:01:50,784 --> 00:01:52,050 Didn't Trip buy that for her? 59 00:01:52,119 --> 00:01:54,886 No. She bought it with the money she took from your wallet. 60 00:01:56,256 --> 00:01:57,188 Taylor, is that true? 61 00:01:57,257 --> 00:01:59,024 You said I could take a $20, so I did! 62 00:01:59,126 --> 00:02:00,525 Three times. 63 00:02:00,627 --> 00:02:02,127 - I'll pay you back! - With what? 64 00:02:02,229 --> 00:02:04,029 With my future famous-person money. 65 00:02:04,131 --> 00:02:06,341 Oh! As long as you have a plan. 66 00:02:06,366 --> 00:02:08,266 - Thank you. - You're grounded. 67 00:02:08,335 --> 00:02:10,335 Why couldn't you mind your own stupid business? 68 00:02:10,437 --> 00:02:12,637 I'm 10! My business is boring! 69 00:02:12,706 --> 00:02:15,006 If Taylor gets a hoodie, I want a driving instructor. 70 00:02:15,108 --> 00:02:16,441 Well, we all want things, Oliver. 71 00:02:16,543 --> 00:02:18,209 I want to finish this book before cataracts 72 00:02:18,278 --> 00:02:19,444 make my eyes explode, 73 00:02:19,513 --> 00:02:20,912 but I don't think that's gonna happen. 74 00:02:22,916 --> 00:02:24,070 That's a library book! 75 00:02:24,117 --> 00:02:25,550 Another quarter. 76 00:02:25,652 --> 00:02:28,553 Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx www.addic7ed.com 77 00:02:33,360 --> 00:02:35,493 Okay, Lonnie, you were 19 years old 78 00:02:35,595 --> 00:02:36,761 and the biggest thing on the Internet. 79 00:02:36,863 --> 00:02:38,830 What did you do with your first check from YouTube? 80 00:02:38,932 --> 00:02:41,866 I bought a small town in Wyoming and renamed it "Fartsville." 81 00:02:41,968 --> 00:02:43,301 They just got an Applebee's. 82 00:02:43,403 --> 00:02:45,136 Hey, after work, 83 00:02:45,238 --> 00:02:47,138 can you come with me to the aquarium? 84 00:02:47,240 --> 00:02:48,473 I need you to distract the guards 85 00:02:48,575 --> 00:02:49,741 while I jump into the shark tank. 86 00:02:49,843 --> 00:02:50,875 Why on Earth would you do that? 87 00:02:50,977 --> 00:02:52,110 Got to, bruh. 88 00:02:52,212 --> 00:02:54,012 There's this new guy chomping at my likes on YouTube, 89 00:02:54,114 --> 00:02:55,213 Johnny Goodwin. 90 00:02:55,315 --> 00:02:56,514 So I have to do something huge, 91 00:02:56,616 --> 00:02:58,983 or Johnny's gonna snake my spot as most-watched YouTuber. 92 00:02:59,086 --> 00:03:00,985 Look at this. Come here. 93 00:03:04,724 --> 00:03:06,124 Did he just throw a live crocodile 94 00:03:06,226 --> 00:03:07,325 into that man's bath? 95 00:03:07,427 --> 00:03:08,726 That's his dad. 96 00:03:08,829 --> 00:03:10,495 Yeah. He does tons of dad videos. 97 00:03:10,597 --> 00:03:12,297 It's spectacular content, yo. 98 00:03:12,399 --> 00:03:13,631 His dad could have lost any number 99 00:03:13,733 --> 00:03:15,333 of very important body parts. 100 00:03:15,435 --> 00:03:17,635 My pops is not a team player like that, 101 00:03:17,737 --> 00:03:19,137 so I got to go in with the sharks. 102 00:03:19,239 --> 00:03:20,371 I forbid it. 103 00:03:20,474 --> 00:03:22,440 As long as you're spending time under my roof, 104 00:03:22,542 --> 00:03:23,775 you're not going to do anything stupid. 105 00:03:23,877 --> 00:03:25,510 And before you retort, let me be clear... 106 00:03:25,612 --> 00:03:26,978 it is not Opposite Day 107 00:03:27,080 --> 00:03:28,580 and will never be Opposite Day. 108 00:03:28,682 --> 00:03:29,948 Hold up. 109 00:03:31,852 --> 00:03:33,952 - You could be my old dude. - No. 110 00:03:34,054 --> 00:03:35,320 People already know you on my channel 111 00:03:35,422 --> 00:03:36,454 as Professor Badonkadonk. 112 00:03:36,556 --> 00:03:37,789 I'm not crazy about that. 113 00:03:37,891 --> 00:03:38,957 I'm not a Badonkadonk. 114 00:03:39,059 --> 00:03:40,425 I have a normal-sized fanny. 115 00:03:40,527 --> 00:03:42,460 If I'm not getting the most likes when our book comes out, 116 00:03:42,562 --> 00:03:43,628 that's bad for sales. 117 00:03:43,730 --> 00:03:45,262 - Yeah, but... - Which is bad for your bonus. 118 00:03:45,340 --> 00:03:46,525 - But... - Which means... 119 00:03:46,549 --> 00:03:47,967 you spent the last five months with me 120 00:03:47,992 --> 00:03:50,092 getting pelted with paintballs for no reason. 121 00:03:50,170 --> 00:03:51,236 Yeah, I still don't think... 122 00:03:51,338 --> 00:03:52,337 No reason! 123 00:03:52,439 --> 00:03:53,705 - Ow! - No reason! 124 00:03:53,807 --> 00:03:55,140 - Ow! - No reason! 125 00:03:55,242 --> 00:03:57,342 Ow! Okay, I'll help you! 126 00:03:57,444 --> 00:03:59,477 Yeah! The Donks is in! 127 00:03:59,579 --> 00:04:01,846 Come here, let me give that ginormous ass a slap. 128 00:04:01,948 --> 00:04:03,148 It's not that big! 129 00:04:05,785 --> 00:04:08,019 Oliver wants driving lessons, 130 00:04:08,121 --> 00:04:10,255 and Anna-Kat and Taylor are at each other's throats. 131 00:04:10,357 --> 00:04:12,223 I don't have a second for myself. 132 00:04:12,325 --> 00:04:14,459 Well, with the divorce and splitting the kids with Richard, 133 00:04:14,561 --> 00:04:16,494 - all I have is time. - Me too. 134 00:04:16,596 --> 00:04:18,563 Yesterday, I played "Fortnite" on my kids' Xbox. 135 00:04:18,632 --> 00:04:20,231 - Oh. - I had 18 kills, 136 00:04:20,333 --> 00:04:22,634 then I got shot by a 9-year-old dressed like a banana. 137 00:04:22,736 --> 00:04:24,335 - Ohh. - Divorce is amazing. 138 00:04:24,437 --> 00:04:26,571 The only downside is that, if you fall in the shower, 139 00:04:26,673 --> 00:04:28,039 your kids are gonna find you naked. 140 00:04:28,141 --> 00:04:29,240 I'm not divorcing Greg. 141 00:04:29,342 --> 00:04:31,976 Well, I can't help you with Taylor and... 142 00:04:34,114 --> 00:04:35,780 Anna-Kat. 143 00:04:35,882 --> 00:04:36,881 Yeah, Anna-Kat. 144 00:04:36,983 --> 00:04:38,483 Uh, but I will take Oliver driving. 145 00:04:38,552 --> 00:04:39,951 Thank you, and why? 146 00:04:40,020 --> 00:04:41,352 Yeah, you can't stand him. 147 00:04:41,421 --> 00:04:43,321 Uh, well, he's fun to yell at. 148 00:04:43,390 --> 00:04:46,024 He doesn't cry, but his eyes get all glisteny like I like. 149 00:04:56,369 --> 00:04:57,702 Oh, dear! 150 00:05:01,608 --> 00:05:03,841 But, seriously, folks, gorillas are endangered. 151 00:05:03,944 --> 00:05:06,010 Recycle, yo. 152 00:05:10,684 --> 00:05:12,217 Oh, dear! 153 00:05:13,687 --> 00:05:15,899 Yes! 154 00:05:15,968 --> 00:05:17,601 Disclaimer... no humans were harmed 155 00:05:17,670 --> 00:05:18,936 during the filming of this video. 156 00:05:19,038 --> 00:05:20,804 My tailbone. 157 00:05:24,176 --> 00:05:26,443 Oh, [bleep] dear! 158 00:05:30,249 --> 00:05:32,449 Oh, dear. 159 00:05:32,517 --> 00:05:35,152 You gots to be ready for the second gorilla, Donks. 160 00:05:35,254 --> 00:05:37,821 You gots to! 161 00:05:37,890 --> 00:05:39,089 Forget Johnny Goodwin's dad. 162 00:05:39,158 --> 00:05:40,764 - You are racking up the likes! - Yeah. 163 00:05:40,811 --> 00:05:42,359 As long as we keep doing videos like these, 164 00:05:42,428 --> 00:05:45,429 our book sales are going to be as fat as that ass. 165 00:05:45,498 --> 00:05:47,664 It's normal-sized! 166 00:05:47,767 --> 00:05:49,628 By the way, you don't have a pacemaker, do you? 167 00:05:49,683 --> 00:05:51,502 You're not tasing me. 168 00:05:51,604 --> 00:05:53,637 You know what? Kate's right... 169 00:05:53,706 --> 00:05:56,673 sometimes, you can be exhausting, bruh. 170 00:06:00,346 --> 00:06:02,379 Where did you get that? 171 00:06:02,448 --> 00:06:03,814 I found it in the basement. 172 00:06:03,883 --> 00:06:06,750 Your dad and I used to have this in our first apartment, 173 00:06:06,852 --> 00:06:08,919 before we had kids. 174 00:06:08,988 --> 00:06:10,754 Let me get in there. 175 00:06:13,325 --> 00:06:16,293 I loved this chair. 176 00:06:16,395 --> 00:06:19,196 I used to take naps in it and read books. 177 00:06:19,265 --> 00:06:21,065 Books? Really? 178 00:06:21,133 --> 00:06:23,567 Huh. It's like learning you used to be a figure skater. 179 00:06:23,669 --> 00:06:24,802 I know it's hard to believe, 180 00:06:24,904 --> 00:06:27,371 but before I had kids, my brain used to work. 181 00:06:27,473 --> 00:06:28,639 Was there anything else down there? 182 00:06:28,707 --> 00:06:31,175 Oh, yeah. A bunch of other weird old stuff, 183 00:06:31,277 --> 00:06:32,943 lot of photos and baby junk taking up 184 00:06:33,045 --> 00:06:35,145 perfectly good fallout-shelter real estate. 185 00:06:42,254 --> 00:06:43,754 There. 186 00:06:43,823 --> 00:06:47,257 Now it looks exactly like the old studio apartment 187 00:06:47,326 --> 00:06:48,492 Dad and I lived in. 188 00:06:48,594 --> 00:06:50,627 None of this was on my vision board. 189 00:06:50,729 --> 00:06:53,630 And I don't believe Jackie O had a hot-dog toaster. 190 00:06:53,732 --> 00:06:56,133 When is Doris gonna take me driving? 191 00:06:56,235 --> 00:06:57,701 Mom, there's a party tonight. 192 00:06:57,770 --> 00:06:59,970 Can't you be cool and ground me some other time? 193 00:07:00,039 --> 00:07:03,340 Hey. You wanna hear the most beautiful sound in the world? 194 00:07:03,442 --> 00:07:05,075 Yeah. 195 00:07:05,144 --> 00:07:07,280 - Mom! - Seriously?! 196 00:07:07,305 --> 00:07:08,545 - Mom, it's my room! - Why can't I go to the party?! 197 00:07:08,614 --> 00:07:10,080 When is Doris gonna take me driving?! 198 00:07:10,182 --> 00:07:14,451 ♪ Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me ♪ 199 00:07:14,553 --> 00:07:18,789 ♪ I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed ♪ 200 00:07:18,891 --> 00:07:20,924 ♪ She was looking kind of dumb ♪ 201 00:07:21,026 --> 00:07:23,193 ♪ With her finger and her thumb ♪ 202 00:07:23,295 --> 00:07:28,198 ♪ In the shape of an "L" on her forehead ♪ 203 00:07:28,253 --> 00:07:30,672 ♪ Hey, now, you're an all-star ♪ 204 00:07:34,848 --> 00:07:36,602 If you have a complaint, demand, a question 205 00:07:36,665 --> 00:07:38,583 about anything other than last night's episode 206 00:07:38,651 --> 00:07:40,639 of "The Bachelor," I'm not here! 207 00:07:41,654 --> 00:07:43,754 What's going on in... 208 00:07:43,857 --> 00:07:45,089 This looks like our old apartment. 209 00:07:45,191 --> 00:07:47,492 - Isn't it amazing? - It is. 210 00:07:47,594 --> 00:07:49,694 Plus... 211 00:07:49,762 --> 00:07:52,029 I saw Lonnie Googling, "How poisonous are scorpions?" 212 00:07:52,098 --> 00:07:54,031 So it's nice to be in a safe place right now. 213 00:07:54,100 --> 00:07:57,101 Oh, my God, the tiki bar. 214 00:07:57,170 --> 00:07:58,903 The easy charm of French Polynesia 215 00:07:58,972 --> 00:08:01,906 with none of the painful colonialist scars. 216 00:08:02,008 --> 00:08:04,442 The lamp I used to hit my head on. 217 00:08:04,511 --> 00:08:06,978 The chair we accidentally made Taylor in. 218 00:08:07,080 --> 00:08:08,312 The old VCR! 219 00:08:08,381 --> 00:08:11,315 It still has "How to Make an American Quilt" jammed inside. 220 00:08:11,384 --> 00:08:13,017 I think, of all the group sewing movies, 221 00:08:13,086 --> 00:08:14,418 - that one is my favorite. - Mm. 222 00:08:14,487 --> 00:08:15,586 So, what does Anna-Kat think of her new room? 223 00:08:15,688 --> 00:08:17,188 Bup-bup-bup-bup! Hup! 224 00:08:17,290 --> 00:08:20,458 We don't have kids yet, Greg. It's 1999. 225 00:08:20,527 --> 00:08:23,794 My only obligation is to finally finish this book. 226 00:08:23,863 --> 00:08:26,931 My devil sticks! 227 00:08:27,000 --> 00:08:28,666 I used to rock these. 228 00:08:28,768 --> 00:08:29,867 Hup! 229 00:08:33,106 --> 00:08:34,906 I'm not going through this again. 230 00:08:39,078 --> 00:08:41,812 Wow, you're giving me driving lessons in a Bentley? 231 00:08:41,915 --> 00:08:43,614 Mm-hmm. 232 00:08:43,683 --> 00:08:46,083 Hey! Stop groping my car, perv! 233 00:08:46,185 --> 00:08:47,652 Get in. 234 00:08:50,156 --> 00:08:51,422 You're not sitting up here with me? 235 00:08:51,491 --> 00:08:52,456 No. 236 00:08:52,559 --> 00:08:54,625 You know I don't like being around you. 237 00:08:54,694 --> 00:08:56,127 Then why did you offer to drive with me? 238 00:08:56,195 --> 00:08:57,628 I'm getting dental work done. 239 00:08:57,697 --> 00:08:59,463 They're putting me under and say I need someone I know 240 00:08:59,532 --> 00:09:01,132 - to drive me home. - Why me? 241 00:09:01,200 --> 00:09:03,067 Because the procedure takes three hours, 242 00:09:03,136 --> 00:09:04,769 and I didn't want to make anyone wait. 243 00:09:04,837 --> 00:09:06,337 Your time is worth nothing. 244 00:09:06,439 --> 00:09:07,371 Drive! 245 00:09:14,280 --> 00:09:15,212 Where am I going? 246 00:09:15,315 --> 00:09:16,480 Just get on the Parkway. 247 00:09:16,549 --> 00:09:18,549 Oh, no, I only know how to drive on regular streets. 248 00:09:18,618 --> 00:09:20,618 - Take the Parkway. - I'm not ready. 249 00:09:20,720 --> 00:09:21,752 The Parkway! 250 00:09:21,854 --> 00:09:23,254 You're right. Studies show that screaming 251 00:09:23,356 --> 00:09:25,289 improves both confidence and cognition. 252 00:09:25,358 --> 00:09:27,191 Stop overthinking it and just go! 253 00:09:27,260 --> 00:09:29,060 You're a bully, and I won't be bullied. 254 00:09:29,162 --> 00:09:30,294 I help kids deal with people like you 255 00:09:30,396 --> 00:09:31,762 every day at Teen Help Line. 256 00:09:31,864 --> 00:09:33,965 Ugh! Teen Help Line. 257 00:09:34,067 --> 00:09:36,233 This is how every call should go. 258 00:09:36,302 --> 00:09:38,436 "Thanks for calling Teen Help Line. 259 00:09:38,538 --> 00:09:40,471 Time to sack up, loser!" 260 00:09:47,246 --> 00:09:48,512 I did it! 261 00:09:48,581 --> 00:09:50,247 I finally finished "Gone Girl." 262 00:09:50,350 --> 00:09:51,716 - Well? - Didn't care for it. 263 00:09:51,784 --> 00:09:53,117 Should have just watched the movie. 264 00:09:53,219 --> 00:09:55,286 At least I would have seen some Affleck peen. 265 00:09:55,355 --> 00:09:57,421 Should we go back out in the real world? 266 00:09:57,523 --> 00:09:59,190 I have to work on the John Stuart Mill syllabus 267 00:09:59,258 --> 00:10:00,758 for my three students. 268 00:10:00,827 --> 00:10:03,761 Or we could stay in here a bit longer. 269 00:10:03,863 --> 00:10:06,497 What else did we used to do back then? 270 00:10:06,566 --> 00:10:07,965 We still do that now. 271 00:10:08,034 --> 00:10:09,333 Not the way we used to. 272 00:10:09,402 --> 00:10:10,701 Well, if we're gonna do it that way, 273 00:10:10,770 --> 00:10:12,169 I need 15 minutes to stretch. 274 00:10:17,710 --> 00:10:19,910 I like post-dental surgery Doris. 275 00:10:20,013 --> 00:10:21,145 I've been driving for 10 minutes, 276 00:10:21,247 --> 00:10:22,780 and you haven't pointed out any of the places 277 00:10:22,882 --> 00:10:25,616 I'm gonna start balding. 278 00:10:25,718 --> 00:10:28,519 I can't believe he just walked out. 279 00:10:28,588 --> 00:10:30,421 He didn't even want to work on it. 280 00:10:30,490 --> 00:10:31,622 The dentist? 281 00:10:31,724 --> 00:10:33,324 What is going on in your mouth? 282 00:10:33,393 --> 00:10:35,292 No. Richard. 283 00:10:35,361 --> 00:10:37,495 Just forget I said anything, okay? 284 00:10:37,597 --> 00:10:39,163 I'm all sideways from the nitrous. 285 00:10:39,232 --> 00:10:42,333 And I might've taken a few pre-game anti-anxiety pals. 286 00:10:42,402 --> 00:10:43,834 Pills. 287 00:10:43,903 --> 00:10:45,836 No, they're my pals. 288 00:10:45,905 --> 00:10:47,672 If you want to talk about it, I'm here to listen. 289 00:10:47,740 --> 00:10:49,240 Do not Teen Help Line me, 290 00:10:49,342 --> 00:10:52,777 or I will teen face punch you. 291 00:10:52,845 --> 00:10:55,279 Richard should be driving me home. 292 00:10:55,381 --> 00:10:58,482 He was my "in case of emergency" contact. 293 00:10:58,551 --> 00:11:01,385 Now you are! Ugh! 294 00:11:01,454 --> 00:11:03,621 And I thought sleeping with my dog's allergist 295 00:11:03,723 --> 00:11:05,423 was rock bottom... 296 00:11:05,525 --> 00:11:07,024 Why didn't you call my mom or Angela? 297 00:11:07,093 --> 00:11:08,826 I didn't want their pity. 298 00:11:08,928 --> 00:11:10,528 I'm always telling them how divorce 299 00:11:10,596 --> 00:11:12,863 and all the free time I have now is amazing. 300 00:11:12,932 --> 00:11:14,298 But it's not. 301 00:11:14,400 --> 00:11:16,167 It's really lonely. 302 00:11:16,235 --> 00:11:18,536 Well, the best thing to do is talk about your feelings. 303 00:11:18,604 --> 00:11:20,504 - You know, get out... - There's a gun in my glove compartment! 304 00:11:20,606 --> 00:11:21,605 Shoot me with it! 305 00:11:23,843 --> 00:11:25,943 All right. 306 00:11:26,012 --> 00:11:27,344 You were saying? 307 00:11:27,413 --> 00:11:28,813 You may not be able to see it now, 308 00:11:28,848 --> 00:11:30,047 but you're lucky. 309 00:11:30,149 --> 00:11:32,183 You've got close friends. 310 00:11:32,251 --> 00:11:34,452 And if you stop pretending to be so tough all the time 311 00:11:34,520 --> 00:11:35,753 and open up to them, 312 00:11:35,822 --> 00:11:37,988 I'm confident that, with their help, 313 00:11:38,091 --> 00:11:39,490 you'll be able to move on from Richard 314 00:11:39,592 --> 00:11:42,326 and have a fulfilling, happy life. 315 00:11:45,698 --> 00:11:46,664 Holy crap! 316 00:11:46,766 --> 00:11:47,631 What?! 317 00:11:47,700 --> 00:11:48,766 You're on the Parkway. 318 00:11:48,835 --> 00:11:50,534 Hey, I am. 319 00:11:50,603 --> 00:11:51,869 Guess I was so busy talking to you, 320 00:11:51,971 --> 00:11:53,804 I didn't think about it. 321 00:11:53,906 --> 00:11:55,606 I'm driving on the Parkway. 322 00:11:55,675 --> 00:11:57,508 Now let me give you some advice... 323 00:11:57,610 --> 00:11:59,610 do not do drugs. 324 00:11:59,679 --> 00:12:01,645 But if you do, you should take whatever I'm on, 325 00:12:01,748 --> 00:12:05,213 because I am feeling gooood. 326 00:12:10,389 --> 00:12:12,022 Since Mom is making you stay in my room, 327 00:12:12,091 --> 00:12:13,390 I guess I have to tell you I'm sneaking out 328 00:12:13,459 --> 00:12:14,425 to go to that party. 329 00:12:14,527 --> 00:12:16,227 You're grounded. Mom's not gonna like it. 330 00:12:17,597 --> 00:12:18,696 So you're gonna tattle again? 331 00:12:18,798 --> 00:12:21,098 It's not tattling. It's just telling Mom the truth. 332 00:12:22,201 --> 00:12:23,667 You need to get on my side. 333 00:12:23,770 --> 00:12:24,935 It goes both ways. 334 00:12:25,037 --> 00:12:26,771 You cover for me, I cover for you. 335 00:12:26,839 --> 00:12:28,439 I don't need you to cover for me. 336 00:12:28,508 --> 00:12:29,874 But eventually you will. 337 00:12:29,976 --> 00:12:31,842 You're gonna want to do things they don't want you to do. 338 00:12:31,911 --> 00:12:33,577 Like get that Hindenburg tattoo. 339 00:12:33,646 --> 00:12:37,314 "Oh, the humanity" written amongst the flames. 340 00:12:37,416 --> 00:12:39,350 To do it right, it'd need to cover my whole back. 341 00:12:39,452 --> 00:12:40,985 Mom's not gonna let you do that. 342 00:12:41,087 --> 00:12:43,554 So when you do it anyways, you need me on your side. 343 00:12:43,623 --> 00:12:44,755 And the only way I'm gonna do that 344 00:12:44,824 --> 00:12:46,457 is if you're on my side. 345 00:12:46,559 --> 00:12:47,958 Squid pro quo. 346 00:12:48,060 --> 00:12:49,527 - You shouldn't go. - I have to. 347 00:12:49,595 --> 00:12:51,595 The party is all everyone will be talking about 348 00:12:51,697 --> 00:12:54,698 at lunch on Monday, going like, "That was so epic," 349 00:12:54,801 --> 00:12:57,034 and I'll be like, "Totes MaGotes Papa Choats," 350 00:12:57,103 --> 00:12:59,203 and they'll be like, "L." 351 00:13:00,506 --> 00:13:02,573 It's a grown-up thing. You wouldn't understand. 352 00:13:05,344 --> 00:13:08,179 ♪ That's the way I like it and I never get bored ♪ 353 00:13:08,247 --> 00:13:12,650 ♪ Hey, now, you're an all-star, get your game on, go play ♪ 354 00:13:12,752 --> 00:13:16,987 ♪ Hey, now, you're a rock star, get the show on, get paid ♪ 355 00:13:17,089 --> 00:13:20,057 - ♪ All that glitters is gold ♪ - In here, it is 1999. 356 00:13:20,126 --> 00:13:22,193 - No kids. - No exes. 357 00:13:22,261 --> 00:13:23,327 - No "Fortnite." - ♪ Only shooting stars ♪ 358 00:13:23,388 --> 00:13:24,453 ♪ Break the mold ♪ 359 00:13:24,564 --> 00:13:26,130 Seriously, I cannot stop playing. 360 00:13:26,199 --> 00:13:27,932 I haven't gone to work in two days. 361 00:13:29,635 --> 00:13:31,602 Katie? 362 00:13:31,704 --> 00:13:33,204 Be cool. 363 00:13:33,306 --> 00:13:34,471 It's my old man. 364 00:13:34,574 --> 00:13:35,539 Mm. 365 00:13:37,543 --> 00:13:39,476 Hey, honey. 366 00:13:39,579 --> 00:13:41,078 It's midnight. What's going on with you? 367 00:13:41,180 --> 00:13:42,513 You've been locked in that room for 12 hours. 368 00:13:42,615 --> 00:13:44,748 And yet... I have never felt more free. 369 00:13:44,851 --> 00:13:46,884 Greg, kids are like a 24-hour diner... 370 00:13:46,986 --> 00:13:48,752 once it opens, it never closes. 371 00:13:48,821 --> 00:13:51,121 And you can't skip a shift. Ever. 372 00:13:51,224 --> 00:13:52,756 This room is taking me back 373 00:13:52,859 --> 00:13:54,458 before we opened our diner. 374 00:13:54,560 --> 00:13:55,960 I'm tired. 375 00:13:56,028 --> 00:13:57,962 - And I just need a break. - I get that. 376 00:13:58,030 --> 00:14:00,231 But just for my own crazy wanting-to-know-what's-going-on, 377 00:14:00,299 --> 00:14:01,999 how long are you planning to pretend you don't have kids? 378 00:14:02,068 --> 00:14:03,467 How long did I pretend my hand was broken 379 00:14:03,536 --> 00:14:05,603 - so you had to do all the cooking? - Six months. 380 00:14:05,671 --> 00:14:06,770 That sounds about right. 381 00:14:06,839 --> 00:14:08,005 Taylor? 382 00:14:10,142 --> 00:14:12,576 Cover my tables. I'm calling in sick. 383 00:14:12,678 --> 00:14:14,445 What do you think you're doing? 384 00:14:14,547 --> 00:14:18,148 I was just downstairs getting a midnight snack. 385 00:14:18,251 --> 00:14:19,383 Dressed like that? 386 00:14:23,589 --> 00:14:25,656 Is there anything I could say that would get me out of this? 387 00:14:25,725 --> 00:14:27,358 I'm taking suggestions. 388 00:14:27,426 --> 00:14:29,193 Go to your room. 389 00:14:29,262 --> 00:14:30,761 I will deal with you in the morning. 390 00:14:34,293 --> 00:14:37,595 She didn't even try climbing up the trellis. 391 00:14:37,650 --> 00:14:39,540 She just waltzed right into the front door. 392 00:14:39,603 --> 00:14:41,283 What kind of sneaking is that? 393 00:14:41,330 --> 00:14:43,611 Ohh! That reflects so poorly on me as a mother. 394 00:14:43,682 --> 00:14:47,383 Katie, you cannot leave me with 1999 Doris. 395 00:14:47,485 --> 00:14:49,819 She keeps doing the "Wassup" commercial. 396 00:14:49,921 --> 00:14:51,950 - Wassup?! - See? 397 00:14:53,466 --> 00:14:55,809 I just wanted to take a little break, 398 00:14:55,891 --> 00:14:57,621 but you couldn't let me, could you? 399 00:14:57,700 --> 00:14:58,799 I know what happened. 400 00:14:58,901 --> 00:15:00,868 You saw a little glimmer of freedom in my eye, 401 00:15:00,936 --> 00:15:03,637 and you couldn't stand it, and you had to snuff it out! 402 00:15:03,706 --> 00:15:05,372 You're a mother-snuffer! 403 00:15:05,519 --> 00:15:07,499 It wasn't Taylor's fault. 404 00:15:10,126 --> 00:15:11,225 When I was going to bed, 405 00:15:11,327 --> 00:15:13,227 I realized I'd left my jacket at the park, 406 00:15:13,295 --> 00:15:14,990 so Taylor went to go get it for me. 407 00:15:15,052 --> 00:15:16,751 Then why was she all dressed up? 408 00:15:18,667 --> 00:15:22,302 There was a fashion flash mob at the same time. 409 00:15:22,371 --> 00:15:24,004 To raise awareness for the garment industry 410 00:15:24,106 --> 00:15:25,239 working conditions. 411 00:15:25,341 --> 00:15:26,407 How did Taylor know about it? 412 00:15:26,509 --> 00:15:28,208 How did you not know? 413 00:15:28,310 --> 00:15:30,110 Offline Otto over here. 414 00:15:30,179 --> 00:15:33,380 So Taylor went and got my jacket for me. 415 00:15:33,449 --> 00:15:36,617 'Cause that's what sisters do. They have each other's backs. 416 00:15:37,992 --> 00:15:39,720 That is the most ridiculous... 417 00:15:39,767 --> 00:15:41,588 Okay. Thank you for clearing that up. 418 00:15:41,634 --> 00:15:44,356 Very nice of you, Taylor. Saved me a trip. 419 00:15:44,458 --> 00:15:46,058 - You're welcome. - Mm-hmm. 420 00:15:48,896 --> 00:15:51,030 Are you still drunk? 421 00:15:51,132 --> 00:15:52,064 A little. 422 00:15:52,166 --> 00:15:54,200 Listen, I've got some good news 423 00:15:54,268 --> 00:15:55,267 and bad news. 424 00:15:55,369 --> 00:15:56,302 Okay, let's start with the good news. 425 00:15:56,370 --> 00:15:58,837 Anna-Kat was covering for Taylor. 426 00:15:58,906 --> 00:16:00,573 She has never done that before. 427 00:16:00,675 --> 00:16:02,007 Don't you see what this means? 428 00:16:02,076 --> 00:16:03,209 I have some ideas, but I sense 429 00:16:03,311 --> 00:16:04,476 you really just want to say your thing. 430 00:16:04,579 --> 00:16:07,713 The kids are starting to take care of one another. 431 00:16:07,815 --> 00:16:09,351 If I'm not available, 432 00:16:09,375 --> 00:16:11,389 they will turn to each other and not me. 433 00:16:11,414 --> 00:16:13,029 That means I get more breaks! 434 00:16:13,054 --> 00:16:14,887 I'm gonna go check on Doris. 435 00:16:14,989 --> 00:16:16,753 She went pretty hard last night, passed out. 436 00:16:16,778 --> 00:16:18,411 Wait, what's the bad news? 437 00:16:18,513 --> 00:16:20,846 Anna-Kat is a terrible liar. 438 00:16:20,915 --> 00:16:23,816 Once again, this reflects poorly on me as a mother. 439 00:16:29,590 --> 00:16:30,890 - Aah! - Oh, dear! 440 00:16:31,960 --> 00:16:33,891 Ah! 441 00:16:33,915 --> 00:16:35,060 Come on, Lonnie! 442 00:16:35,098 --> 00:16:36,827 You've done this same prank so many times! 443 00:16:36,930 --> 00:16:38,496 No, this one's totally different. 444 00:16:38,598 --> 00:16:41,098 I'm a lady gorilla. Didn't you notice the bikini? 445 00:16:41,200 --> 00:16:42,600 The future is female, bruh. 446 00:16:42,702 --> 00:16:44,035 I'm not doing your videos anymore. 447 00:16:44,137 --> 00:16:46,806 The book isn't worth it. I'm a respected educator. 448 00:16:46,831 --> 00:16:48,330 My job is to make the world smarter. 449 00:16:48,355 --> 00:16:50,408 These videos are clearly only making it dumber. 450 00:16:50,433 --> 00:16:51,690 So, enough is enough. 451 00:16:51,759 --> 00:16:54,626 I'm Professor Otto, not Professor Badonkadonk! 452 00:16:56,630 --> 00:16:58,001 Don't worry, folks. He doesn't mean it. 453 00:16:58,026 --> 00:16:59,041 It's Opposite Day. 454 00:16:59,066 --> 00:17:00,282 I said it would never be Opposite Day! 455 00:17:00,307 --> 00:17:02,834 Yeah, but you said it on Opposite Day! 456 00:17:09,409 --> 00:17:12,811 You did some damage last night. 457 00:17:16,049 --> 00:17:18,650 I'm miserable being divorced. 458 00:17:18,752 --> 00:17:20,585 I had a feeling. 459 00:17:20,654 --> 00:17:23,021 - Why didn't you say something? - Pbht! 460 00:17:23,090 --> 00:17:25,791 You know that I'm here for you. 461 00:17:25,859 --> 00:17:29,561 Yeah. I do. 462 00:17:29,663 --> 00:17:31,663 Okay. 463 00:17:31,765 --> 00:17:33,981 Look, I know you said no kid talk last night... 464 00:17:34,074 --> 00:17:35,997 - Mhmm. - But I want to tell you something, 465 00:17:36,051 --> 00:17:39,204 and this isn't easy for me to say... 466 00:17:39,273 --> 00:17:43,575 Oliver is really becoming... 467 00:17:43,644 --> 00:17:45,844 less hateable. 468 00:17:45,946 --> 00:17:47,512 Are you trying to tell me 469 00:17:47,581 --> 00:17:49,648 that you are starting to like him? 470 00:17:49,750 --> 00:17:50,916 No. Never! 471 00:17:51,018 --> 00:17:55,287 I'm just saying he's... detestable lite. 472 00:17:56,723 --> 00:17:57,956 I was in a bad way yesterday, 473 00:17:58,025 --> 00:18:01,059 and he really helped me through something. 474 00:18:01,161 --> 00:18:04,563 Parenting is such a grind, 475 00:18:04,631 --> 00:18:06,698 but then someone comes along and tells you 476 00:18:06,800 --> 00:18:09,401 that your son is a good kid... 477 00:18:09,469 --> 00:18:10,969 I never said "good kid." 478 00:18:11,038 --> 00:18:12,504 It makes you not want to pretend 479 00:18:12,573 --> 00:18:14,239 that you don't have them anymore. 480 00:18:15,776 --> 00:18:16,942 I'm glad I could help. 481 00:18:17,010 --> 00:18:19,578 Now I really got to do something about this hangover. 482 00:18:24,885 --> 00:18:27,904 Oliver, quit doing gross boy stuff! 483 00:18:27,929 --> 00:18:29,757 I need you to drive me to Taco Bell! 484 00:18:39,351 --> 00:18:40,576 You're here for John Stuart Mill: 485 00:18:40,601 --> 00:18:42,076 An Intro to Utilitarianism? 486 00:18:42,101 --> 00:18:43,835 Damn straight! 487 00:18:43,860 --> 00:18:44,913 Okay. 488 00:18:44,938 --> 00:18:46,071 Wow. 489 00:18:46,173 --> 00:18:47,572 Well, welcome, everyone. 490 00:18:48,876 --> 00:18:50,131 Dude, say, "Oh, dear!" 491 00:18:51,712 --> 00:18:53,278 Oh. 492 00:18:58,352 --> 00:19:00,912 My name is Professor Otto. 493 00:19:04,992 --> 00:19:07,392 - This sucks. - Let's get outta here. 494 00:19:13,233 --> 00:19:17,102 The cornerstone of Mill's philosophy 495 00:19:17,204 --> 00:19:18,770 is the greatest happiness 496 00:19:18,839 --> 00:19:20,138 for the greatest number of people 497 00:19:20,240 --> 00:19:22,340 should be the guiding principle of any conduct. 498 00:19:23,410 --> 00:19:24,542 With that in mind, 499 00:19:24,645 --> 00:19:26,011 I give you... 500 00:19:26,113 --> 00:19:28,513 Badonkadonk! 501 00:19:28,615 --> 00:19:31,063 Date my mom, Professor Badonkadonk! 502 00:19:31,088 --> 00:19:33,588 Whoo! Badonkadonk! 503 00:19:33,620 --> 00:19:35,220 Let's get started. 504 00:19:38,108 --> 00:19:40,341 I think this is the last of your old stuff. 505 00:19:40,444 --> 00:19:42,510 Sorry I stole your room for a little while. 506 00:19:42,612 --> 00:19:43,778 It's okay, Mom. 507 00:19:43,880 --> 00:19:46,114 Mood swings are very common for a woman your age, 508 00:19:46,216 --> 00:19:47,816 as well as hot flashes and... 509 00:19:47,918 --> 00:19:49,484 Anna-Kat, I'm not even 40! 510 00:19:49,586 --> 00:19:51,019 ...irritability. 511 00:19:51,121 --> 00:19:52,187 Moving on. 512 00:19:52,289 --> 00:19:54,456 Dad and I talked about it, 513 00:19:54,558 --> 00:19:57,125 and we are going to find a way to buy you some of that stuff 514 00:19:57,227 --> 00:19:58,693 that you want for your big girl room. 515 00:19:58,732 --> 00:20:00,432 - Are you serious? - Mm-hmm. 516 00:20:03,171 --> 00:20:04,270 Thanks, Mom. 517 00:20:07,247 --> 00:20:08,947 I don't care what anyone else says... 518 00:20:08,972 --> 00:20:11,450 I think you're handling menopause with a lot of grace. 519 00:20:16,219 --> 00:20:19,258 Well, I guess in the end, 520 00:20:19,329 --> 00:20:21,734 I married the person I thought my parents wanted me to marry. 521 00:20:21,789 --> 00:20:23,260 Not the man I wanted to marry. 522 00:20:23,369 --> 00:20:25,599 I thought you were supposed to talk to my mom about this stuff. 523 00:20:25,624 --> 00:20:27,469 Well, she doesn't always have the best advice. 524 00:20:27,501 --> 00:20:28,860 Plus, she doesn't know anything about divorce. 525 00:20:28,885 --> 00:20:30,096 And I do? 526 00:20:30,121 --> 00:20:33,307 Well, you're very familiar with loneliness, I imagine. 527 00:20:33,402 --> 00:20:35,511 For your information, I am single by choice. 528 00:20:35,566 --> 00:20:37,978 Yeah, other people's choice. 529 00:20:39,599 --> 00:20:41,568 I see you're feeling better. 530 00:20:41,622 --> 00:20:44,726 Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx www.addic7ed.com 38602

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