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1
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_
2
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_
3
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Look, Cheryl should be allowed
to date whomever she wants.
4
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I mean, we're not together anymore.
5
00:00:19,105 --> 00:00:21,041
My choice. But, uh...
6
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- I met the guy.
- See ya, Joe-Joe.
7
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He seems like kind of a doofus.
8
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But again, not my business.
9
00:00:26,720 --> 00:00:27,966
Oh, excuse me, sorry.
10
00:00:27,968 --> 00:00:29,725
- Hey, Shrub.
- I didn't do it!
11
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Easy, I come in peace!
12
00:00:31,664 --> 00:00:35,469
Hey, look, I'm starting a
computer class for the elderly,
13
00:00:35,470 --> 00:00:38,910
and I thought you might
be willing to volunteer.
14
00:00:38,911 --> 00:00:41,289
I know what whizzes you kids are
with technology these days...
15
00:00:41,291 --> 00:00:42,785
Did you get locked out of Facebook again?
16
00:00:42,786 --> 00:00:44,889
No.
17
00:00:44,890 --> 00:00:46,491
This is not for me, okay?
18
00:00:46,492 --> 00:00:49,873
I like to think of myself
as not exactly elderly yet.
19
00:00:49,875 --> 00:00:52,756
Although this could be a great chance
for you to meet the older generation.
20
00:00:52,758 --> 00:00:54,140
How much does it pay?
21
00:00:54,141 --> 00:00:58,148
Well, "volunteer" means it does not pay.
22
00:00:58,149 --> 00:01:00,754
But I will provide juice.
23
00:01:00,755 --> 00:01:04,829
- What kind of juice?
- Cranberry, apple-grape mix.
24
00:01:04,830 --> 00:01:06,365
I'm listening.
25
00:01:06,366 --> 00:01:08,302
Plus, I upgraded the church
Wi-Fi to the supreme package...
26
00:01:08,303 --> 00:01:10,574
Oh, my... [BLEEP], yes. I'm in.
27
00:01:10,575 --> 00:01:14,314
The supreme Wi-Fi package
is, like, the unicorn of Wi-Fi.
28
00:01:14,315 --> 00:01:16,218
The library had it
for, like, five minutes,
29
00:01:16,219 --> 00:01:18,289
but people downloaded so much weird porn
30
00:01:18,290 --> 00:01:20,293
it actually broke the computer.
31
00:01:20,294 --> 00:01:23,165
It's so powerful,
you can talk to the future.
32
00:01:23,166 --> 00:01:25,202
Yeah, I had a great date with Jimmy.
33
00:01:25,203 --> 00:01:27,373
And, yes, he is from Pockton.
34
00:01:27,374 --> 00:01:29,077
Apparently, if you live in Flatch,
35
00:01:29,078 --> 00:01:32,150
you have to hate Pockton
and anyone who deals with them.
36
00:01:32,151 --> 00:01:33,620
Honestly,
37
00:01:33,621 --> 00:01:36,358
Flatch could learn a thing
or two from the town next door.
38
00:01:36,359 --> 00:01:37,728
I mean, you go to Pockton,
39
00:01:37,729 --> 00:01:40,399
that place is hopping
like a frog at a square dance.
40
00:01:40,400 --> 00:01:43,105
They have a store that only sells popcorn.
41
00:01:43,106 --> 00:01:45,944
It's called "Pock-corn."
I mean, how cute is that?
42
00:01:49,385 --> 00:01:51,154
Was that a water balloon or a gunshot?
43
00:02:04,750 --> 00:02:07,286
Hello? Ugh.
44
00:02:07,287 --> 00:02:10,560
Oh, hi, Nadine.
45
00:02:10,561 --> 00:02:12,330
Your box was blocking the entryway,
46
00:02:12,331 --> 00:02:14,935
which needs to remain clear,
per fire regulations.
47
00:02:14,936 --> 00:02:16,438
Oh, gosh. Well...
48
00:02:16,439 --> 00:02:19,277
I guess it means it's time
to check out the entries.
49
00:02:20,948 --> 00:02:22,350
I am running a contest
50
00:02:22,351 --> 00:02:24,555
to come up with a new slogan for Flatch.
51
00:02:24,556 --> 00:02:26,191
I'm gonna put all the entries
in the paper,
52
00:02:26,192 --> 00:02:27,928
and then everybody votes.
53
00:02:27,929 --> 00:02:30,834
Oh, okay, I'm not really sure
what's wrong with our current slogan.
54
00:02:30,835 --> 00:02:32,070
Oh, well,
55
00:02:32,071 --> 00:02:34,474
"Home of Colonel Flatch's latrine"
56
00:02:34,475 --> 00:02:37,213
doesn't exactly scream
must-see destination.
57
00:02:37,214 --> 00:02:40,119
Okay, well, agree to disagree.
58
00:02:40,120 --> 00:02:41,522
Oh, I'm so excited.
59
00:02:41,523 --> 00:02:43,860
Let's check out our first entry.
60
00:02:43,861 --> 00:02:46,264
Um...
61
00:02:46,265 --> 00:02:50,340
"Flatch, home of Cheryl, unfortunately."
62
00:02:51,810 --> 00:02:53,980
That's dumb.
63
00:02:53,981 --> 00:02:55,885
Ah, let's try another one.
64
00:02:57,321 --> 00:03:00,827
"If you love Pockton so much,
you should just move there."
65
00:03:00,828 --> 00:03:03,633
Period, "Cheryl," period.
66
00:03:03,634 --> 00:03:04,902
Mm.
67
00:03:04,903 --> 00:03:06,271
It's not a slogan.
68
00:03:06,272 --> 00:03:09,579
_
69
00:03:16,192 --> 00:03:18,462
My machine is broken!
70
00:03:18,463 --> 00:03:19,832
Len, how many times do I have to tell you
71
00:03:19,833 --> 00:03:22,136
it's not called a machine
and it's not broken?
72
00:03:22,137 --> 00:03:24,007
It is asleep.
73
00:03:24,008 --> 00:03:25,712
Okay. Wake my machine up.
74
00:03:27,314 --> 00:03:29,752
Hey, Kelly, what a great surprise.
I didn't know you wanted to volunteer.
75
00:03:29,753 --> 00:03:30,910
Can't talk, okay?
76
00:03:30,912 --> 00:03:32,944
I'm in the middle
of a killer game of "Among Us,"
77
00:03:32,946 --> 00:03:34,829
and I need in on your Wi-Fi.
78
00:03:34,830 --> 00:03:35,964
Where can I plug in?
79
00:03:35,965 --> 00:03:38,536
You absolutely can not
play games here Kelly.
80
00:03:38,537 --> 00:03:40,807
Okay, not a game. A lifestyle.
81
00:03:40,808 --> 00:03:44,047
Still a no. But June could use some help.
82
00:03:44,048 --> 00:03:45,449
We have juice.
83
00:03:45,450 --> 00:03:47,654
- What flavor?
- Apple-grape.
84
00:03:47,655 --> 00:03:50,292
Uh...
85
00:03:50,293 --> 00:03:52,464
I love apple-grape. Okay.
86
00:03:54,034 --> 00:03:55,236
- Hey, June.
- Hey.
87
00:03:55,237 --> 00:03:58,442
I am going to need you to turn
away while I check my emails.
88
00:03:58,443 --> 00:04:02,450
- Okay.
- What you got going on here?
89
00:04:02,451 --> 00:04:05,456
Ideas for the Flatch slogan contest.
90
00:04:05,457 --> 00:04:08,863
Oh, yeah? "Flatch is a catch."
91
00:04:08,864 --> 00:04:10,099
It rhymes.
92
00:04:10,100 --> 00:04:14,542
When I win the $100, I'm gonna
start a hydroponic tomato farm.
93
00:04:14,543 --> 00:04:17,280
I looked it up on the Google.
94
00:04:17,281 --> 00:04:19,452
- There's a cash prize?
- Mm-hmm.
95
00:04:20,755 --> 00:04:23,760
Yeah, I'd say my chances of
winning this are pretty high.
96
00:04:23,761 --> 00:04:26,632
Mallets already have
a pretty strong track record
97
00:04:26,633 --> 00:04:30,306
of coming up with nicknames
for things in this town.
98
00:04:30,307 --> 00:04:32,811
Grody-Ass Pond, Witch Finger Woods,
99
00:04:32,812 --> 00:04:34,515
[BLEEP] Lookout.
100
00:04:34,516 --> 00:04:37,589
We're rock stars at
choosing good words for stuff.
101
00:04:39,058 --> 00:04:40,527
"Flatch, we should get a cannon
102
00:04:40,528 --> 00:04:43,198
and shoot Cheryl out of it."
103
00:04:43,199 --> 00:04:45,269
Wow, you weren't kidding.
104
00:04:45,270 --> 00:04:47,406
- People really hate you.
- I know.
105
00:04:47,407 --> 00:04:50,514
Someone threw a water balloon
at my bedroom window last night.
106
00:04:50,515 --> 00:04:53,118
What? These are threats.
107
00:04:53,119 --> 00:04:55,858
And you need to protect yourself.
108
00:04:58,396 --> 00:05:00,667
Gosh, it was just one date.
109
00:05:00,668 --> 00:05:03,840
I don't even know if I like the guy.
110
00:05:03,841 --> 00:05:04,942
Ah.
111
00:05:04,943 --> 00:05:08,783
This small bust of Jane Austen
could crack a skull.
112
00:05:08,784 --> 00:05:11,454
Put it down here within reach
just so you can get it.
113
00:05:11,455 --> 00:05:12,858
Just in case, okay?
114
00:05:12,859 --> 00:05:15,129
So let me ask you do you know
any of the following...
115
00:05:15,130 --> 00:05:17,668
Judo, Krav Maga, Muay Thai,
116
00:05:17,669 --> 00:05:20,540
a chokehold you put on
a pit bull to make him let go,
117
00:05:20,541 --> 00:05:22,443
but you could also use on a man?
118
00:05:22,444 --> 00:05:24,414
Sorry, Mandy, this is so silly.
119
00:05:24,415 --> 00:05:27,220
I am a pacifist. I fight with my words.
120
00:05:31,164 --> 00:05:35,125
You got a strong reflex game.
I can work with that.
121
00:05:40,274 --> 00:05:43,586
It's been a week, and we've
had some exciting developments.
122
00:05:43,587 --> 00:05:46,057
Bessie has learned
how to find recipes online
123
00:05:46,058 --> 00:05:50,099
and that "BDSM" does not stand
for "Beef Dinner Small Meals."
124
00:05:50,100 --> 00:05:53,706
Malcolm spent an entire savings
bond on a rare Beanie Baby.
125
00:05:53,707 --> 00:05:56,512
And thanks to Shrub,
Len got on a dating website,
126
00:05:56,513 --> 00:05:58,816
and he met a lovely woman.
127
00:05:58,817 --> 00:06:00,787
Both Cynthia and I love pie,
128
00:06:00,788 --> 00:06:04,562
conspiracy theories, and sponge baths.
129
00:06:04,563 --> 00:06:08,268
That's her.
130
00:06:08,269 --> 00:06:09,805
Shrub!
131
00:06:09,806 --> 00:06:12,109
That's a teddy bear emoji.
132
00:06:12,110 --> 00:06:13,746
So what do I say now?
133
00:06:13,747 --> 00:06:16,719
Emojis are complicated.
134
00:06:16,720 --> 00:06:18,790
Okay, well, there's one
that looks like it's crying,
135
00:06:18,792 --> 00:06:21,522
but it's actually laughing...
That's always good,
136
00:06:21,524 --> 00:06:23,702
especially if it's tilted
to the side a little bit.
137
00:06:23,704 --> 00:06:27,006
Fire emoji, that's good.
100, that's, like, also very good.
138
00:06:27,007 --> 00:06:28,141
Clown is bad, okay?
139
00:06:28,142 --> 00:06:30,547
You don't want to get a clown
under any circumstances.
140
00:06:30,548 --> 00:06:33,753
What else? Oh, eggplant
does not mean eggplant.
141
00:06:33,754 --> 00:06:35,389
Peach is not a peach. Or a cherry.
142
00:06:35,390 --> 00:06:36,659
Pretty much any food item
143
00:06:36,660 --> 00:06:38,596
could really get you into trouble, Len.
144
00:06:38,597 --> 00:06:42,139
Hourglass means that someone is hot,
but not in the way fire does.
145
00:06:42,141 --> 00:06:45,543
And let's see, well, then we
get into emoji combinations,
146
00:06:45,544 --> 00:06:48,282
and that's just pretty complicated
stuff. I don't want to hurt your brain.
147
00:06:48,283 --> 00:06:50,352
I'm just gonna say, "Hi, Cynthia."
148
00:06:50,353 --> 00:06:51,889
Safe choice.
149
00:06:51,890 --> 00:06:55,195
Okay. First impressions.
Don't think too hard, okay?
150
00:06:55,196 --> 00:06:57,501
"Flatch, just do it."
151
00:06:57,502 --> 00:07:00,840
- I've heard that one before.
- Okay, noted.
152
00:07:00,841 --> 00:07:05,449
"Flatch, more than you expected
but less than you dreamed."
153
00:07:05,450 --> 00:07:07,286
That's a mouthful.
154
00:07:07,287 --> 00:07:08,523
"Flatch, we're the bomb."
155
00:07:08,524 --> 00:07:09,758
Bombs are bad.
156
00:07:09,759 --> 00:07:11,461
Bessie, like, I swear to God!
157
00:07:11,462 --> 00:07:14,400
I can't with your negativity
anymore, dude.
158
00:07:14,401 --> 00:07:17,842
June has some cute ones, and we like hers.
159
00:07:20,648 --> 00:07:22,049
How's it going, June-bug?
160
00:07:22,050 --> 00:07:25,422
Hey, I am having so much fun
writing my slogans.
161
00:07:25,423 --> 00:07:28,029
Yeah, you want to show me some?
162
00:07:29,532 --> 00:07:32,672
Oh, no! I erased them all!
163
00:07:34,408 --> 00:07:36,411
I hit escape.
164
00:07:36,412 --> 00:07:38,516
We learned that day one.
165
00:07:38,517 --> 00:07:40,720
Okay, so...
166
00:07:40,721 --> 00:07:44,427
let's say somebody gets
behind you, does this.
167
00:07:44,428 --> 00:07:47,233
- Hi. How can I help you?
- No. [BLEEP], no.
168
00:07:47,234 --> 00:07:48,435
I could be your killer.
169
00:07:48,436 --> 00:07:50,472
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- No!
170
00:07:50,473 --> 00:07:52,143
Don't apologize to your killer.
171
00:07:52,144 --> 00:07:54,683
Okay, just do me, do me.
172
00:07:56,753 --> 00:08:00,192
Yoke, solar plexus, clench, groin.
173
00:08:00,193 --> 00:08:02,463
If the idiot is still standing,
174
00:08:02,464 --> 00:08:04,668
double fingers up nose.
175
00:08:04,669 --> 00:08:05,937
Wow. How do you know all that?
176
00:08:05,938 --> 00:08:07,841
I trained to be in the Secret Service.
177
00:08:07,842 --> 00:08:09,812
- That's so cool!
- Yeah, not really.
178
00:08:09,813 --> 00:08:12,183
Basically, they just wanted you
to run next to a car for miles,
179
00:08:12,184 --> 00:08:13,519
and that's not my jam.
180
00:08:13,520 --> 00:08:15,189
Also, I'm not good at keeping secrets.
181
00:08:15,190 --> 00:08:16,358
It's fine.
182
00:08:16,359 --> 00:08:17,994
Punch me in the stomach. Come on.
183
00:08:17,995 --> 00:08:20,032
I'm not punching you in the stomach.
184
00:08:20,034 --> 00:08:23,071
Okay. Fine.
Then just kick me in the coin purse.
185
00:08:23,072 --> 00:08:26,913
Come on, knee me right here
in the marble pouch! Let's go.
186
00:08:28,483 --> 00:08:31,154
Are you talking about your genitals?
187
00:08:31,155 --> 00:08:34,427
We need to get you worked up.
What... what makes you angry?
188
00:08:34,428 --> 00:08:35,563
Leap day!
189
00:08:35,564 --> 00:08:36,899
- Leap day?
- Yes!
190
00:08:36,900 --> 00:08:39,972
It messes up every line
in the calendar for weeks.
191
00:08:39,973 --> 00:08:41,341
Oh, boy.
192
00:08:41,342 --> 00:08:43,045
What about Joe?
193
00:08:43,046 --> 00:08:46,284
Mm-mm, nope. Joe doesn't make me angry.
194
00:08:46,285 --> 00:08:47,554
- Really?
- Mm-mm.
195
00:08:47,555 --> 00:08:50,426
The guy hauls you here and then dumps you?
196
00:08:50,427 --> 00:08:52,631
Well, "dump" is a very strong word.
197
00:08:52,632 --> 00:08:55,335
Well, use your own word.
198
00:08:55,336 --> 00:08:57,074
He just needed space.
199
00:08:58,476 --> 00:08:59,745
After he hauled me here.
200
00:08:59,746 --> 00:09:01,649
Oh, my God. Oh!
201
00:09:01,650 --> 00:09:04,220
Saying that out loud it makes
me feel really, really...
202
00:09:04,221 --> 00:09:05,456
Angry?
203
00:09:05,457 --> 00:09:07,326
No, really, really...
204
00:09:07,327 --> 00:09:09,198
Violent?
205
00:09:14,174 --> 00:09:15,543
Sad.
206
00:09:15,544 --> 00:09:17,647
Oh, Lord.
207
00:09:17,648 --> 00:09:20,320
Can my plexus have a hug?
208
00:09:23,359 --> 00:09:24,829
Bring it in.
209
00:09:31,164 --> 00:09:32,844
I knew she should cry today.
210
00:09:32,845 --> 00:09:35,718
I just didn't realize
it would be this soon.
211
00:09:41,596 --> 00:09:42,931
Oh, hi, Nadine, what can I do for you?
212
00:09:42,932 --> 00:09:44,735
I have come to submit my slogan entries.
213
00:09:44,736 --> 00:09:47,406
They are in double-sealed,
marked envelopes, okay?
214
00:09:47,407 --> 00:09:48,810
So there can be no hijinks.
215
00:09:48,811 --> 00:09:51,481
Well, Flatch is the home of hijinks.
216
00:09:51,482 --> 00:09:53,118
Did you just come up with that?
217
00:09:53,119 --> 00:09:54,250
What?
218
00:10:00,801 --> 00:10:04,373
326? The Pockton exchange?
219
00:10:05,811 --> 00:10:08,983
Jimmy calls me every afternoon
to say how do you do.
220
00:10:08,984 --> 00:10:11,522
It's really sweet.
221
00:10:11,523 --> 00:10:13,091
He actually says that. "How do you do?"
222
00:10:13,092 --> 00:10:16,397
And I say, "Do what?"
223
00:10:16,398 --> 00:10:18,136
It's a joke we have.
224
00:10:23,112 --> 00:10:24,438
Do what?
225
00:10:25,584 --> 00:10:26,987
That'll teach 'em.
226
00:10:28,821 --> 00:10:31,394
Call me elderly, but that
computer class reminded me
227
00:10:31,396 --> 00:10:33,381
that it's the high time
to go through my computer
228
00:10:33,383 --> 00:10:36,055
and remove some documents
that I don't need anymore.
229
00:10:43,119 --> 00:10:46,559
- Dude, dude!
- What?
230
00:10:46,560 --> 00:10:47,727
I came up with the perfect slogan.
231
00:10:47,728 --> 00:10:49,096
Oh, okay, hit me, hit me, hit me.
232
00:10:49,097 --> 00:10:50,867
Okay, well, you know
how I get my best ideas
233
00:10:50,868 --> 00:10:52,637
- when I am on "la toilette"?
- Yes?
234
00:10:52,638 --> 00:10:54,407
Wheel socks, edible matchsticks.
235
00:10:54,408 --> 00:10:55,877
Inside gloves.
236
00:10:55,878 --> 00:10:57,848
Different than outside gloves
because they're worn inside.
237
00:10:57,849 --> 00:10:59,016
- Go on.
- Okay, okay.
238
00:10:59,017 --> 00:11:00,620
Get ready to have your mind blown.
239
00:11:00,621 --> 00:11:01,822
Okay. Hit me, hit me, hit me.
240
00:11:01,823 --> 00:11:04,260
Okay, the winning slogan is,
241
00:11:04,261 --> 00:11:09,136
"Flatch, come bask in our Flatch-ulence"!
242
00:11:09,137 --> 00:11:12,042
- Dude, that's brilliant.
- I know, right?
243
00:11:12,043 --> 00:11:14,982
Okay, so when you see
that slogan in the paper,
244
00:11:14,983 --> 00:11:16,852
I'm gonna need your vote.
245
00:11:16,853 --> 00:11:19,691
Flatch-ulence sounds dirty to me.
246
00:11:19,692 --> 00:11:22,496
Does it, Bessie?
Or does it sound brilliant?
247
00:11:22,497 --> 00:11:24,334
No. It sounds dirty.
248
00:11:26,071 --> 00:11:27,941
Fine. Here.
249
00:11:27,942 --> 00:11:30,212
A dollar for each of you.
250
00:11:30,213 --> 00:11:32,216
I didn't want to stoop to bribery,
251
00:11:32,217 --> 00:11:34,121
but if that's what it takes, so be it.
252
00:11:36,392 --> 00:11:39,196
So rule number one
of successful business growth
253
00:11:39,197 --> 00:11:41,167
is sometimes you have to spend a dollar
254
00:11:41,168 --> 00:11:43,171
to make a whole bunch of dollars.
255
00:11:43,172 --> 00:11:47,180
Rule number two is you need
to sit on the toilet a lot.
256
00:11:48,082 --> 00:11:51,254
Shrub, I need help with my machine.
257
00:11:51,255 --> 00:11:54,327
Len, I told you.
No one is buying your old pants on eBay.
258
00:11:54,328 --> 00:11:57,166
I'm trying figure out
how to wire money to Cynthia.
259
00:11:57,167 --> 00:11:59,337
Why are you trying to do that?
260
00:11:59,338 --> 00:12:01,976
She wants to buy a plane ticket
to come to visit me.
261
00:12:01,977 --> 00:12:04,982
But in Estonia, you can't get
into your bank account
262
00:12:04,983 --> 00:12:07,486
without giving them $3,000.
263
00:12:07,487 --> 00:12:09,725
It's all rigged.
264
00:12:09,726 --> 00:12:12,964
Anyway, the bank headquarters
is in Nigeria,
265
00:12:12,965 --> 00:12:15,737
and there's the routing number.
266
00:12:15,738 --> 00:12:19,110
Oh, no, uh, no, no, we can't do that.
267
00:12:19,111 --> 00:12:23,552
Um, you can't wire money
over the Internet on Tuesdays.
268
00:12:23,553 --> 00:12:25,957
Oh.
269
00:12:25,958 --> 00:12:27,961
- That's "Cynthia."
- She's pretty.
270
00:12:27,962 --> 00:12:29,564
No, he's being catfished right now.
271
00:12:29,565 --> 00:12:30,867
No, it's a scam. Look.
272
00:12:30,868 --> 00:12:33,839
They're using stock photos
of Miss Estonia 2006.
273
00:12:33,840 --> 00:12:36,010
- Oh, this is bad.
- Yeah.
274
00:12:36,011 --> 00:12:38,816
He's about to send $3,000 to her,
275
00:12:38,817 --> 00:12:41,956
or to him, or whoever in Nigeria.
276
00:12:41,957 --> 00:12:45,062
Whatever. Well, what do we do?
277
00:12:45,063 --> 00:12:46,732
Well, I don't think we have a choice.
278
00:12:46,733 --> 00:12:47,901
We got to tell him the truth.
279
00:12:47,902 --> 00:12:50,238
I mean, it's gonna hurt, but
it's better that he knows now.
280
00:12:50,239 --> 00:12:52,811
Man, it sucks when people prey
on the elderly.
281
00:12:52,812 --> 00:12:54,748
Eh, depends.
282
00:12:54,749 --> 00:12:56,852
Hey, Shrub, I checked.
283
00:12:56,853 --> 00:12:59,825
That no wiring money on Tuesdays...
284
00:12:59,826 --> 00:13:01,294
Total fake news.
285
00:13:01,295 --> 00:13:03,699
You got to watch out for
those internet scams, Shrub.
286
00:13:03,700 --> 00:13:05,770
Yeah.
287
00:13:05,771 --> 00:13:09,811
Len, we have something
we have to tell you.
288
00:13:09,812 --> 00:13:12,483
Yeah, about Cynthia.
289
00:13:12,484 --> 00:13:14,588
There's nothing you're
gonna say about that woman
290
00:13:14,589 --> 00:13:16,660
that'll make me love her less.
291
00:13:17,327 --> 00:13:22,202
When... when Martha passed...
292
00:13:22,203 --> 00:13:25,375
I didn't think I was ever
gonna find love again.
293
00:13:25,376 --> 00:13:29,351
Who'd have thunk it?
I mean, an old man like me?
294
00:13:32,958 --> 00:13:36,397
- She's dead. Cynthia's dead.
- What?
295
00:13:36,398 --> 00:13:38,002
What?
296
00:13:41,630 --> 00:13:43,366
What happened?
297
00:13:43,914 --> 00:13:45,917
- Train accident.
- She drowned.
298
00:13:45,918 --> 00:13:48,355
Yes. Yes, yes, that's right.
299
00:13:48,356 --> 00:13:52,764
Yeah, she had just passed her
conductor's test,
300
00:13:52,765 --> 00:13:55,703
and she, uh, she went out to celebrate
301
00:13:55,704 --> 00:13:57,707
and she got, like, so loaded, and...
302
00:13:57,708 --> 00:13:58,909
Yeah.
303
00:13:58,910 --> 00:14:00,680
You know the rest.
304
00:14:00,681 --> 00:14:02,183
No, I don't.
305
00:14:02,785 --> 00:14:04,320
Sh...
306
00:14:04,321 --> 00:14:06,257
She drove that train right into a lake.
307
00:14:06,258 --> 00:14:07,927
- Lake.
- Yeah.
308
00:14:07,928 --> 00:14:10,867
Mm. Of course.
309
00:14:10,868 --> 00:14:13,806
She was a train conductor, too.
310
00:14:13,807 --> 00:14:16,377
Oh, that woman could do anything.
311
00:14:16,378 --> 00:14:17,781
Except swim.
312
00:14:17,782 --> 00:14:18,983
Yes.
313
00:14:18,984 --> 00:14:21,922
All she had was me.
314
00:14:21,923 --> 00:14:24,493
How will she be remembered?
315
00:14:24,494 --> 00:14:28,334
Probably as a woman
who drove a train into a lake.
316
00:14:29,972 --> 00:14:32,376
She had no family.
317
00:14:32,377 --> 00:14:34,981
There'll be no memorial service
or anything.
318
00:14:34,982 --> 00:14:37,019
I'm so sorry, Len. I know this is hard.
319
00:14:37,020 --> 00:14:38,388
We need to give her a funeral.
320
00:14:38,389 --> 00:14:40,392
- Yeah, that's right.
- Mm-hmm.
321
00:14:40,393 --> 00:14:42,897
- We do?
- That would be the proper thing to do.
322
00:14:42,898 --> 00:14:44,334
Right, Father?
323
00:14:46,238 --> 00:14:48,174
So, yeah, we're shopping for a funeral
324
00:14:48,175 --> 00:14:50,345
for a made-up person
from a made-up country.
325
00:14:50,346 --> 00:14:52,316
Uh, Estonia is actually real.
I looked it up.
326
00:14:52,317 --> 00:14:55,455
Well, there's no Estonian soccer merch,
so color me a doubter.
327
00:14:55,456 --> 00:14:58,128
Father Joe basically gave us
a ton of church funds
328
00:14:58,129 --> 00:14:59,430
and seeing as this is my fault,
329
00:14:59,431 --> 00:15:01,033
I thought we should we should go all out.
330
00:15:01,034 --> 00:15:02,904
Whole town's gonna come.
331
00:15:02,905 --> 00:15:05,242
Everyone shows up when they know
there's gonna be free cake.
332
00:15:05,243 --> 00:15:07,112
Yeah, we got streamers, a piñata...
333
00:15:07,113 --> 00:15:09,383
I should be out campaigning
for my new slogan,
334
00:15:09,384 --> 00:15:12,122
but instead, here I am shopping
for funeral glitter.
335
00:15:12,123 --> 00:15:13,491
I believe that every living thing
336
00:15:13,492 --> 00:15:17,934
deserves a dignified death,
even if they're made up.
337
00:15:17,935 --> 00:15:19,638
Like, one time, we were driving to Dayton
338
00:15:19,639 --> 00:15:23,311
to this monster truck rally,
and Kelly just hit this deer.
339
00:15:23,312 --> 00:15:26,017
And she was like,
"Oh, no, we have to keep going.
340
00:15:26,018 --> 00:15:27,486
We're gonna miss the opening horn."
341
00:15:27,487 --> 00:15:32,162
And I was like, "No, no.
We need to honor this animal.
342
00:15:32,163 --> 00:15:34,033
"And we need get out
343
00:15:34,034 --> 00:15:37,640
and kick these pieces of deer
into the ditch."
344
00:15:37,641 --> 00:15:38,909
And that's what we did.
345
00:15:40,848 --> 00:15:43,284
Hey, I need your help.
346
00:15:43,285 --> 00:15:45,455
Which one do I wear to Cynthia's funeral?
347
00:15:45,456 --> 00:15:49,931
Cynth... Oh, is that
the Estonian model Cynthia?
348
00:15:49,932 --> 00:15:52,136
Someone sent in an obituary for her.
349
00:15:52,137 --> 00:15:54,941
Ech, that train accident is tragic.
350
00:15:54,942 --> 00:15:56,410
Yeah, she doesn't exist.
351
00:15:56,411 --> 00:15:59,016
Len got catfished online,
everyone feels bad,
352
00:15:59,017 --> 00:16:01,053
so we're throwing a funeral for her.
353
00:16:01,054 --> 00:16:02,857
- A made-up funeral?
- Yeah.
354
00:16:02,858 --> 00:16:04,661
Funeral's real, lady's not.
355
00:16:04,662 --> 00:16:06,130
Oh, got it.
356
00:16:06,131 --> 00:16:08,168
It said on the e-vite "Estonian casual,"
357
00:16:08,169 --> 00:16:09,771
but what the [BLEEP] does that mean?
358
00:16:09,772 --> 00:16:11,040
There was an e-vite?
359
00:16:11,041 --> 00:16:13,913
Yeah, whole town got it. Didn't you?
360
00:16:13,914 --> 00:16:15,482
- No.
- Wow.
361
00:16:15,483 --> 00:16:18,054
Whatever. I didn't get invited
to a fake funeral.
362
00:16:18,055 --> 00:16:19,558
Whoop de doo.
363
00:16:19,559 --> 00:16:23,566
- You want to be my plus-one?
- You got invited with a date?
364
00:16:23,567 --> 00:16:28,510
Our love was brief, but it was strong.
365
00:16:29,946 --> 00:16:33,184
I only wish I'd been able to...
366
00:16:33,185 --> 00:16:35,790
ride her train.
367
00:16:35,791 --> 00:16:38,027
Well, uh, not the last one.
368
00:16:38,028 --> 00:16:39,965
Uh...
369
00:16:43,707 --> 00:16:47,914
Gunnar and the Dragons.
Estonian pop sensation.
370
00:16:47,915 --> 00:16:51,588
♪ ♪
371
00:16:53,492 --> 00:16:56,097
Thank you, Len.
372
00:16:56,098 --> 00:16:57,967
That was lovely.
373
00:16:57,968 --> 00:16:59,571
We didn't know Cynthia,
374
00:16:59,572 --> 00:17:04,714
but we're all here
because Len loved Cynthia.
375
00:17:04,715 --> 00:17:06,183
And we love Len.
376
00:17:06,184 --> 00:17:08,021
Thank you.
377
00:17:11,128 --> 00:17:14,099
Love is the memories
of the person you lost,
378
00:17:14,100 --> 00:17:17,575
memories of your first meeting,
real or virtual.
379
00:17:22,885 --> 00:17:25,856
Your first date...
380
00:17:25,857 --> 00:17:28,094
when you realized
381
00:17:28,095 --> 00:17:29,965
that you both love Grease 2
382
00:17:29,966 --> 00:17:33,639
more than Grease the original...
383
00:17:33,640 --> 00:17:35,876
That time you split the gas station sushi
384
00:17:35,877 --> 00:17:37,212
and you both Giardia.
385
00:17:37,213 --> 00:17:38,381
Are we talking about Cynthia?
386
00:17:38,382 --> 00:17:40,185
Yeah, he's going
off-book, he's going off-book.
387
00:17:40,186 --> 00:17:43,057
Go, go. Get him.
388
00:17:43,058 --> 00:17:44,326
You can still love that person,
389
00:17:44,327 --> 00:17:46,030
even if they're not with you anymore
390
00:17:46,031 --> 00:17:47,232
and you have to eat the tickets
391
00:17:47,233 --> 00:17:49,236
to the Columbus Stomp Your Own Wine Gala.
392
00:17:49,237 --> 00:17:52,109
Very moving, Father, very moving stuff.
393
00:17:52,110 --> 00:17:55,215
Okay, now, if no one else
has anything to say,
394
00:17:55,216 --> 00:17:58,021
we'd like to invite you
into the Emerson room, okay?
395
00:17:58,022 --> 00:18:00,225
For some cake and mulgipuder,
396
00:18:00,226 --> 00:18:02,563
which, I guess,
is something Estonians make
397
00:18:02,564 --> 00:18:05,368
with sausage, but we used hot dogs.
398
00:18:05,369 --> 00:18:06,605
Also, let's not forget,
399
00:18:06,606 --> 00:18:09,343
vote for Kelly Mallet's slogan
in the paper.
400
00:18:09,344 --> 00:18:11,247
I'd like to say something!
401
00:18:16,491 --> 00:18:20,332
Quick. Yep, yep, okay. Thank you.
402
00:18:20,333 --> 00:18:22,302
Hi, I'm...
403
00:18:24,374 --> 00:18:26,177
Go back to Pockton!
404
00:18:26,178 --> 00:18:27,714
- Yeah!
- Mm-hmm.
405
00:18:27,715 --> 00:18:33,024
Look, I-I didn't know Cynthia,
um, but, uh...
406
00:18:33,025 --> 00:18:35,095
I am her.
407
00:18:35,096 --> 00:18:37,700
I mean, a single woman of a certain age
408
00:18:37,701 --> 00:18:41,173
just trying to make a go of it
in a very small town.
409
00:18:41,174 --> 00:18:44,213
And believe me, not easy.
410
00:18:46,351 --> 00:18:49,958
I'm sorry I went on a date
with a guy from Pockton.
411
00:18:49,959 --> 00:18:51,895
But don't we all deserve love?
412
00:18:52,401 --> 00:18:56,708
And if you have to find that on
the Internet or one town over,
413
00:18:56,710 --> 00:18:59,109
I mean, who are we to judge?
414
00:18:59,110 --> 00:19:01,247
I might even go to Pockton again.
415
00:19:02,618 --> 00:19:05,488
But that does not mean
I don't like Flatch,
416
00:19:05,489 --> 00:19:07,727
because I do, I really do.
417
00:19:07,728 --> 00:19:10,599
I mean, I love how,
when I first moved here,
418
00:19:10,600 --> 00:19:14,708
June dropped off a
crab casserole on my doorstep.
419
00:19:14,709 --> 00:19:18,281
I didn't find it till the next
morning, so it smelled like death,
420
00:19:18,282 --> 00:19:19,818
but what a beautiful thought, June.
421
00:19:19,819 --> 00:19:24,928
I love how Blind Billy knows me
just by touching my butt.
422
00:19:24,929 --> 00:19:27,132
Uh, Cheryl?
423
00:19:28,202 --> 00:19:30,105
I used to find that so creepy.
424
00:19:30,106 --> 00:19:33,044
Now I think it's very sweet.
425
00:19:33,045 --> 00:19:35,583
And my new friend, Mandy,
426
00:19:35,584 --> 00:19:38,021
she has designed
a very special tattoo for me
427
00:19:38,022 --> 00:19:40,158
of Elizabeth Cady Stanton,
428
00:19:40,159 --> 00:19:41,528
my all-time favorite suffragette.
429
00:19:41,529 --> 00:19:43,532
That could be a power statement.
430
00:19:43,533 --> 00:19:45,168
We'll get that on you real soon.
431
00:19:45,169 --> 00:19:46,872
Yeah.
432
00:19:46,873 --> 00:19:49,344
So busy, but, yeah.
433
00:19:50,580 --> 00:19:54,286
I love that you all care so much
434
00:19:54,287 --> 00:19:58,294
to throw a funeral for a woman
who isn't even...
435
00:19:58,295 --> 00:20:00,766
She doesn't... she's not from here.
436
00:20:00,767 --> 00:20:04,674
So here's to Cynthia
and to all the single women
437
00:20:04,675 --> 00:20:07,614
who are just trying
to live their best lives.
438
00:20:08,817 --> 00:20:11,521
Because if you're gonna uproot
your life for love,
439
00:20:11,522 --> 00:20:14,026
Flatch is so not the worst place to be.
440
00:20:14,027 --> 00:20:16,297
Whoo! Yes!
441
00:20:24,715 --> 00:20:28,154
After my speech, there was
a groundswell of votes
442
00:20:28,155 --> 00:20:31,093
for the new slogan, and, um...
443
00:20:31,094 --> 00:20:32,462
I guess I won!
444
00:20:32,463 --> 00:20:35,703
- Hi, neighbor!
- Oh, hi, June!
445
00:20:35,704 --> 00:20:38,876
So the contest was rigged, obviously.
446
00:20:38,877 --> 00:20:41,347
But good news is I already
ordered a ton of merch,
447
00:20:41,348 --> 00:20:43,217
so I'm still gonna make bank.
448
00:20:43,218 --> 00:20:44,721
- What size are you?
- Uh...
449
00:20:44,722 --> 00:20:47,560
- What size are you?
- Medium.
450
00:20:47,561 --> 00:20:50,331
Medium? Okay. Was that so hard?
451
00:20:50,332 --> 00:20:52,571
It's gonna be 30 bucks, okay?
452
00:20:58,482 --> 00:20:59,984
No!
453
00:21:02,558 --> 00:21:04,894
Oh, my gosh, I am so sorry.
454
00:21:04,895 --> 00:21:06,765
Why you hit me in the plexus?
455
00:21:06,766 --> 00:21:09,169
No, I thought you were, like,
a predator or something.
456
00:21:09,170 --> 00:21:12,977
- Can I help you?
- No, no! Don't touch me!
457
00:21:12,978 --> 00:21:14,815
Cynthia?
458
00:21:16,318 --> 00:21:17,486
You stay away from me!
459
00:21:17,487 --> 00:21:20,091
You're real!
460
00:21:20,092 --> 00:21:21,360
Stay away from me!
461
00:21:21,361 --> 00:21:23,832
But Len's gonna be so happy!
462
00:21:23,833 --> 00:21:24,901
It's Cynthia!
463
00:21:24,902 --> 00:21:26,470
Crazy lady!
464
00:21:26,471 --> 00:21:29,009
You must be so jetlagged!
465
00:21:29,010 --> 00:21:30,145
Just stay back!
466
00:21:30,146 --> 00:21:32,315
Okay, well, go relax.
467
00:21:32,316 --> 00:21:33,519
Settle in.
468
00:21:33,520 --> 00:21:35,524
What is with this town?
469
00:21:35,526 --> 00:21:38,194
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