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[MOOING]
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[MOOS]
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MAN: There's an old saying:
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"Why buy the cow when you can
get the milk for free?"
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00:00:28,230 --> 00:00:31,130
It's a fascinating
philosophical query.
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00:00:31,130 --> 00:00:33,040
Marriage versus sex.
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00:00:33,030 --> 00:00:35,170
And if you're
considering the former,
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00:00:35,160 --> 00:00:38,000
odds are you'll hear the saying
from a friend who claims
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to be getting an abundant
amount of the latter.
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And, incidentally,
it's bullshit.
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00:00:46,050 --> 00:00:48,150
Bullshit? You think
this is bullshit?
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00:00:48,140 --> 00:00:52,000
Well, yeah.
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00:00:51,230 --> 00:00:54,150
Well, it isn't.
After five years, I think I have
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the right to broach the subject.
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So you broach and we talk.
You don't have to give me
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an ultimatum--
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Ugh! Don't use that word.
I hate that word.
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00:01:05,090 --> 00:01:06,160
I'm not too fond of it either,
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00:01:06,150 --> 00:01:09,020
but what else
would you call this?
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A deadline.
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[CHORUS VOCALIZING]
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So I'm a little indecisive.
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00:01:49,220 --> 00:01:50,230
-It doesn't mean you have
to hold a gun to my head.
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-[BEEPING]
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00:01:51,080 --> 00:01:53,100
-Hey!
-Sorry.
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00:01:53,090 --> 00:01:55,100
Don't be so melodramatic.
That's why I'm taking
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00:01:55,140 --> 00:01:56,070
this transfer.
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I'll be 3,000 miles away.
I can't hold a gun to your head.
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-Stop saying that!
-[BEEPING]
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Shit! Admit it.
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00:02:04,010 --> 00:02:09,180
You're using this transfer
thing as an ulti-- Deadline.
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00:02:09,170 --> 00:02:11,180
Okay, so I wouldn't have
signed up for it
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if you hadn't freaked
on Tyler's news.
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-[PHONE RINGING, BEEPS]
-Hello?
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00:02:16,100 --> 00:02:20,170
David! What's up,
what's up, what's up!
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Tyler, you are wasted.
Sarah.
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TYLER [ON PHONE]: Oh, damn.
How'd you know, my brother?
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-[PHONE BEEPS]
-The faux urban street slang.
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-Nigger, please!
-What time is it back there,
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like, 2:00?
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You know this city never sleeps.
You ought to be countin'
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on your sheep.
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00:02:36,060 --> 00:02:40,190
Hey, listen, man.
I met the most amazing woman.
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-She is--
-Fly?
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Better than fly, man.
She's super fly.
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What'd I tell you about drinking
and dating?
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Why don't you go to
bed and sleep her off?
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-Dude, we're gettin' married!
-What?
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00:02:51,020 --> 00:02:53,170
[LAUGHS]
You got to meet her, man.
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00:02:53,160 --> 00:02:56,070
-You and Sarah. She's like--
-Super fly?
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00:02:56,060 --> 00:02:59,050
She's better than
super fly, man.
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She's the one. You know how
they say you can just tell?
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David?
Yo, you still there, bitch?
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Yeah, I'm here.
I'm just--
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This is it, man.
It just hit me, you know?
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It was like a blinding
realization, like pure truth.
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00:03:15,140 --> 00:03:17,180
Anyway, you and Sarah
got to meet her.
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You're gonna love her.
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Her name's Julie.
She's sweet. She's beautiful.
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She's choco-licious.
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-[PHONE CLATTERS IN GLASS BOWL]
-Tyler? Hello? Tyler? You okay?
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[SLURPING]
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-[SLURPING CONTINUES]
-Sounds like true love.
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So, you are leaving me alone to
deal with this for two months?
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You need to be alone
to deal with this,
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00:03:45,050 --> 00:03:47,140
which is why I strongly
advise you against
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consulting with Mike.
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Bellissimo. Magnifico.
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You are so hot.
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00:04:01,150 --> 00:04:03,160
You beast.
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00:04:03,160 --> 00:04:07,150
Is that Ricky Martin
over there?
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00:04:07,140 --> 00:04:11,030
God, no. That's Mike Hanson.
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00:04:11,020 --> 00:04:16,070
You're beautiful. Hey. Shh.
Modesty now. Modesty.
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I love you.
Shh, shh, shh! No words.
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No, I'm not.
Yes, I am.
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Don't do it.
I'm doin' it.
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Don't do it.
I did it.
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-[DEEP VOICE] I'd do me.
-[DOOR CLOSES]
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Oh, man!
The teste tuck again?
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Do you like what you see?
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00:04:50,050 --> 00:04:52,120
-No?
-Would you put on some clothes?
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00:04:52,110 --> 00:04:54,140
We only got two hours
of happy hour left.
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00:04:54,130 --> 00:04:56,180
Okay, let me just
get my towel, okay?
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-[GROANS]
-Oh, got it. There we go.
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00:05:01,140 --> 00:05:05,010
You got issues.
I mean, real issues.
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00:05:05,000 --> 00:05:08,150
He may be your friend,
but he's no Deepak Chopra.
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00:05:08,140 --> 00:05:12,090
He is also not
running off to New York.
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00:05:12,080 --> 00:05:14,210
Use this time to make
an informed decision,
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00:05:14,200 --> 00:05:17,030
or none of this
will mean anything.
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00:05:17,030 --> 00:05:19,110
I can't let this
not mean anything.
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Whoo, boy.
So you love her, right?
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00:05:39,060 --> 00:05:41,230
-Of course I love her.
-Well, there you go.
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00:05:41,220 --> 00:05:44,080
Let's not get carried
away here, guys.
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00:05:44,080 --> 00:05:47,050
No one's doubting your love
for each other, all right?
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00:05:47,050 --> 00:05:49,150
A blind man could
smell your love.
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00:05:49,140 --> 00:05:52,160
-But this is a major--
-Huge.
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00:05:52,150 --> 00:05:56,120
No, colossal thing
you're considering here.
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00:05:56,110 --> 00:05:57,230
As your friend
it's my duty to ask
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the tough questions, okay?
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-DAVID: What?
-Sex?
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Sex is still good?
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Yeah, the sex is awesome.
Look, I've got no complaints
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00:06:07,070 --> 00:06:08,130
with what we have.
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00:06:08,120 --> 00:06:10,140
It'd be a lot easier
if I did.
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00:06:10,130 --> 00:06:12,160
There's got to be something.
You waited five years.
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-So what is this?
-It's nothing.
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Let's just drop it.
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We're your friends.
We want
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to help you, but we can't do it
unless you let us in!
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-It's no one thing, all right?
-Okay!
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There's a lot of factors
in this kind of situation.
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So, what is it?
Give us one.
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-Other women, all right?
-You've had other women?
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How many?
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I'm not quite sure
that I've had enough.
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JONESY: That's ridiculous.
How many is enough?
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-It's twice your age.
-Oh, shit. Really?
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Hey, Mike. It's not about
quantity. It's about quality.
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00:06:42,180 --> 00:06:44,100
MIKE: Oh, eat me.
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00:06:44,100 --> 00:06:46,020
What's wrong with going
for both quality and quantity?
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Oh, yeah.
Be the best you can be.
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That's the American way.
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[BOTH GRUNTING]
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Whoo!
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-MIKE: Foul.
-Foul?
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00:06:55,010 --> 00:06:57,010
-That's foul.
-What foul?
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Humping. Before the shot,
you were humping me.
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00:06:59,000 --> 00:07:00,220
-Oh, I was humping you?
-Prison style.
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00:07:00,210 --> 00:07:03,060
Yeah, whatever. If I was
humping you, you'd know it.
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00:07:03,050 --> 00:07:04,190
-Would I?
-Yeah, you'd know it.
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You'd feel it if I was.
I wasn't humping you.
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00:07:06,160 --> 00:07:08,100
-MIKE: Deep, right?
-JONESY: Yep.
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DAVID: A little help?
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00:07:23,170 --> 00:07:27,190
The thing is, I never expected
to feel empowered.
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00:07:27,180 --> 00:07:30,020
For better or for worse,
something is set into motion,
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00:07:30,060 --> 00:07:31,020
and I set it off.
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00:07:31,010 --> 00:07:34,030
God. Am I a manipulative
bitch or what?
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Welcome to my world.
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You should feel empowered.
It wasn't easy,
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00:07:38,040 --> 00:07:39,100
but it had to be done.
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00:07:39,090 --> 00:07:41,130
What was the alternative?
To keep waiting?
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It's not like the sex
gets better with every
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00:07:43,180 --> 00:07:44,200
passing year, right?
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00:07:44,190 --> 00:07:48,190
[GROANS]
I'm sorry that was so quick.
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00:07:48,180 --> 00:07:50,080
-I'm kind of beat.
-That's okay.
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00:07:50,120 --> 00:07:52,040
Orgasms are
overrated anyway.
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00:07:52,040 --> 00:07:54,010
Hey, South Park's on.
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Look, you had
the courage to look him
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00:07:56,140 --> 00:07:58,000
in the eye and say,
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00:07:57,230 --> 00:08:00,210
"Buddy boy, it's time to shit
or get off the pot."
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00:08:00,200 --> 00:08:03,190
And marrying me
would be the shit part of
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00:08:03,230 --> 00:08:06,070
that colorful analogy?
Thanks.
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00:08:06,060 --> 00:08:07,220
WOMAN: Okay. I'll be right back.
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00:08:12,080 --> 00:08:14,170
I'm sorry. I don't get it.
Sarah's hot, man.
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00:08:14,160 --> 00:08:16,110
Behind every
good-looking chick is a guy
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00:08:16,150 --> 00:08:18,000
who's tired of nailing her.
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00:08:17,230 --> 00:08:21,050
-Am I right, Davey?
-No, you're wrong, asshole.
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00:08:21,040 --> 00:08:22,220
So who's missing from
your repertoire?
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00:08:23,020 --> 00:08:25,040
Cowgirls,
Wilderchicks, the Amish, what?
160
00:08:25,030 --> 00:08:27,010
It's not like that.
Let's just drop it,
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all right?
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00:08:31,110 --> 00:08:33,210
Do you guys
believe in "the one"?
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00:08:33,200 --> 00:08:36,000
As in one soul mate,
a perfect match that
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00:08:36,040 --> 00:08:37,210
completes us, makes us whole?
165
00:08:37,200 --> 00:08:40,050
-Exactly.
-Hell, no.
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00:08:40,040 --> 00:08:41,080
I don't know.
But if there
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00:08:41,120 --> 00:08:44,190
is such a thing and Sarah's it,
then that means it's inevitable.
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00:08:44,180 --> 00:08:47,150
-It's a lock, right?
It's like destiny.
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00:08:47,190 --> 00:08:49,060
-Yeah, I guess so.
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00:08:49,050 --> 00:08:54,110
Okay, so if it's inevitable,
why rush into it?
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00:08:56,090 --> 00:08:58,160
You're still not
telling us everything.
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00:08:58,150 --> 00:09:01,080
Of course I'm not.
You're my friends.
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00:09:01,120 --> 00:09:02,130
It's stupid.
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00:09:02,130 --> 00:09:05,210
-Come on! Help us help you.
-Please, man.
175
00:09:10,140 --> 00:09:15,010
Okay, I'm gonna tell
you guys a little story.
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I have never
told anyone this...
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before... ever.
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00:09:25,190 --> 00:09:29,060
When I was 18 years old,
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00:09:29,050 --> 00:09:31,200
my family and I were flying home
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00:09:31,190 --> 00:09:34,100
from a vacation we took
in the Caribbean.
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00:09:34,090 --> 00:09:36,190
-[WAVES CRASHING]
-It was a fun time.
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00:09:36,180 --> 00:09:39,070
-[SEA GULL SCREECHING]
-Very nice vacation, Club Med.
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00:09:47,120 --> 00:09:50,050
We were in line
to get on board,
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00:09:50,040 --> 00:09:54,060
when I happened to glance over
to the gate across from us,
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00:09:54,050 --> 00:09:58,200
and that's when I saw... her.
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00:10:02,150 --> 00:10:05,030
She glowed.
187
00:10:05,020 --> 00:10:07,180
There was, like,
a light all around her.
188
00:10:07,170 --> 00:10:09,180
It was blinding.
189
00:10:12,080 --> 00:10:15,030
I swear I have
never felt anything
190
00:10:15,070 --> 00:10:17,230
that powerful before or since.
191
00:10:17,220 --> 00:10:20,140
Something about her sucked me
away from that plane
192
00:10:20,180 --> 00:10:22,120
and drew me right back to her.
193
00:10:24,020 --> 00:10:25,220
There she was.
194
00:10:28,180 --> 00:10:32,050
With a strength
I wish I still possessed,
195
00:10:32,040 --> 00:10:35,190
I floated towards her.
196
00:10:35,180 --> 00:10:40,030
I introduced myself
and told her how I felt.
197
00:10:42,110 --> 00:10:44,070
I gave her my address
198
00:10:44,060 --> 00:10:47,060
and told her if she felt it,
too, she should write me.
199
00:10:52,060 --> 00:10:54,030
Young blood
had him some balls.
200
00:10:54,020 --> 00:10:55,230
I had no choice.
I was being driven
201
00:10:56,040 --> 00:10:57,060
by a higher power.
202
00:10:57,050 --> 00:10:59,230
Call it the lightning bolt.
Call it a connection,
203
00:11:00,030 --> 00:11:00,160
destiny.
204
00:11:00,150 --> 00:11:03,220
-So did she write you?
-Not at first.
205
00:11:05,230 --> 00:11:10,200
Every day
I checked that mailbox.
206
00:11:10,190 --> 00:11:13,210
I checked all that summer,
and nothing.
207
00:11:15,130 --> 00:11:19,230
Then, one day, it came.
208
00:11:27,190 --> 00:11:29,160
It was more than
I could have hoped for.
209
00:11:30,150 --> 00:11:32,230
She professed her love to me.
210
00:11:32,220 --> 00:11:35,040
She said she, too,
got a jolt down her spine
211
00:11:35,080 --> 00:11:36,180
that glorious day we met.
212
00:11:36,170 --> 00:11:39,180
It was more beautiful
and poetic than she was,
213
00:11:39,170 --> 00:11:41,090
which I didn't think
was possible at the time.
214
00:11:43,170 --> 00:11:46,220
I immediately wrote her back.
215
00:11:46,210 --> 00:11:48,200
I told her that I wanted us
to run away together,
216
00:11:48,190 --> 00:11:51,060
make love under the stars,
217
00:11:51,050 --> 00:11:52,180
make babies.
218
00:11:55,180 --> 00:11:58,010
It was clear to both of us.
219
00:11:59,040 --> 00:12:02,130
We belonged together.
220
00:12:02,120 --> 00:12:05,000
No fear.
221
00:12:04,230 --> 00:12:08,070
No doubt. Perfect.
222
00:12:08,060 --> 00:12:10,090
-Young love.
-Mm-hmm.
223
00:12:10,130 --> 00:12:13,160
Too young,
as it turned out.
224
00:12:13,150 --> 00:12:16,030
[POLICE RADIO, INDISTINCT]
225
00:12:19,140 --> 00:12:23,180
Apparently, she was
an amazingly hyperdeveloped
226
00:12:23,220 --> 00:12:25,130
11-year-old girl.
227
00:12:25,120 --> 00:12:27,160
-JONESY: What?!
-Eleven?!
228
00:12:27,150 --> 00:12:31,180
Her parents found my letters
and quite understandably...
229
00:12:31,220 --> 00:12:32,220
freaked out.
230
00:12:32,210 --> 00:12:34,170
-What were you thinking?!
-DAVID: They contacted
231
00:12:34,210 --> 00:12:35,200
our local authorities,
232
00:12:35,190 --> 00:12:40,010
who swiftly moved in to stop
the town's budding pedophile.
233
00:12:40,000 --> 00:12:44,030
After they made my father
promise that his sicko son
234
00:12:44,020 --> 00:12:46,200
would cease contact
with any more little girls,
235
00:12:46,190 --> 00:12:48,200
they left him to scream at me
for over an hour, mostly
236
00:12:49,000 --> 00:12:50,000
about how I could flush
237
00:12:49,230 --> 00:12:54,010
any chances of a political
career down the toilet.
238
00:12:54,000 --> 00:12:57,010
[GRUNTS]
That's a fucked-up story, man.
239
00:12:57,000 --> 00:12:59,140
You're the only people
I've ever told.
240
00:12:59,130 --> 00:13:02,010
Can you keep it that way?
241
00:13:02,000 --> 00:13:05,010
It makes you seem
kind of creepy.
242
00:13:06,050 --> 00:13:09,110
[RINGING, BEEPS]
243
00:13:09,100 --> 00:13:12,020
-David Collins Graphics.
-Hey!
244
00:13:12,010 --> 00:13:13,220
Sarah, hey. How are you?
245
00:13:13,210 --> 00:13:16,170
I just thought I'd call
and see how you were.
246
00:13:16,160 --> 00:13:19,060
I'm fine. How are you?
How's New York?
247
00:13:19,050 --> 00:13:22,040
Busy, but this city
is so incredible.
248
00:13:22,030 --> 00:13:24,160
I wish you were here
with me. Oops. Shit.
249
00:13:24,150 --> 00:13:26,140
"Oops, shit" what?
Why "Oops, shit"?
250
00:13:26,130 --> 00:13:29,010
I made a list of all the things
I wasn't going to say to you,
251
00:13:29,000 --> 00:13:31,180
like, "I miss you,
I wish you were here," all that.
252
00:13:31,170 --> 00:13:33,000
-So how are ya?
-Miss you.
253
00:13:33,040 --> 00:13:34,210
Wish you were here.
All that.
254
00:13:34,200 --> 00:13:39,220
[LAUGHS]
Hey, I talked to Tyler.
255
00:13:39,210 --> 00:13:43,000
He and I are gonna try
to get together for dinner,
256
00:13:45,060 --> 00:13:46,220
Great, great.
Be sure to thank them
257
00:13:47,020 --> 00:13:48,040
for ruining my life.
258
00:13:51,060 --> 00:13:54,180
Listen, I just wanted to let
you know I made it here okay.
259
00:13:54,170 --> 00:13:57,210
Oh. Is that it?
260
00:13:57,200 --> 00:14:02,110
Well, I gotta get back to work,
so I should--I should go.
261
00:14:02,110 --> 00:14:07,070
Yeah. Yeah, me too. Uh--
262
00:14:08,110 --> 00:14:12,140
Okay. Bye, David.
263
00:14:12,130 --> 00:14:14,150
[PHONE BEEPS]
264
00:14:20,190 --> 00:14:23,070
I'm just saying, it's
been a week and a half now.
265
00:14:23,060 --> 00:14:25,190
All you've done is
sit around the apartment.
266
00:14:25,230 --> 00:14:26,190
It's no good.
267
00:14:26,180 --> 00:14:29,070
She wants me to give the
situation serious thought, and
268
00:14:29,110 --> 00:14:30,220
that's what I'm trying to do.
269
00:14:30,220 --> 00:14:33,210
-Finish it, Tiny!
-Uh-huh.
270
00:14:33,200 --> 00:14:36,050
How's that working so far?
Been doing a lot of thinking?
271
00:14:36,090 --> 00:14:36,140
No.
272
00:14:36,130 --> 00:14:39,110
No! You are useless!
[SHOUTS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
273
00:14:39,100 --> 00:14:41,130
[CROWD CHEERING]
274
00:14:41,120 --> 00:14:43,050
-What was that?
He can't do that.
275
00:14:43,090 --> 00:14:44,230
-Actually, I think he can.
276
00:14:44,220 --> 00:14:47,080
She wants me to make
an informed decision,
277
00:14:47,120 --> 00:14:49,050
and I'm gonna respect that.
278
00:14:49,040 --> 00:14:51,050
No, what she wants
is for you to wallow around
279
00:14:51,090 --> 00:14:52,230
your apartment like some hermit.
280
00:14:52,220 --> 00:14:55,120
Ante up. Who you like?
281
00:14:55,110 --> 00:14:57,150
-Give me five on super thong.
-I'm gonna take the one
282
00:14:57,190 --> 00:14:58,160
with the nice rack.
283
00:15:00,080 --> 00:15:02,180
She is bankin'
on your misery, bro,
284
00:15:02,170 --> 00:15:04,110
hoping you will
sit around bumming out.
285
00:15:04,100 --> 00:15:07,010
-Oh!
-That's gotta hurt.
286
00:15:07,000 --> 00:15:08,140
And that, my friend,
is how you make
287
00:15:08,180 --> 00:15:09,210
an uninformed decision.
288
00:15:11,060 --> 00:15:14,080
You want to make
a truly informed decision?
289
00:15:14,070 --> 00:15:17,060
Get off your ass and go see
what it's like out there.
290
00:15:17,100 --> 00:15:18,100
Get in the game.
291
00:15:18,090 --> 00:15:22,090
The game, I.E., hitting
the meat market clubs with you.
292
00:15:22,080 --> 00:15:25,160
No. No, no. No, hitting them
with me and Jonesy.
293
00:15:28,110 --> 00:15:30,120
DAVID: There are some major
fundamental problems
294
00:15:30,160 --> 00:15:31,060
I have with,
295
00:15:31,050 --> 00:15:33,060
"Why buy the cow, when you can
get the milk for free?"
296
00:15:33,100 --> 00:15:33,210
conundrum.
297
00:15:35,200 --> 00:15:39,130
For one thing,
women are not cows.
298
00:15:39,120 --> 00:15:41,220
And by that I mean,
they're not so generic.
299
00:15:42,210 --> 00:15:46,030
I think most reasonable people
would agree that a cow
300
00:15:46,070 --> 00:15:47,120
is a cow is a cow.
301
00:15:47,110 --> 00:15:49,140
This is not true of women.
302
00:15:49,140 --> 00:15:52,060
Things might be simpler
if it were.
303
00:15:52,060 --> 00:15:55,060
[TECHNO POP]
304
00:15:55,050 --> 00:15:58,170
MAN [SINGING INDISTINCTLY]
305
00:15:58,160 --> 00:16:00,230
-MAN: Yeah!
-Yo, Mike.
306
00:16:00,230 --> 00:16:03,200
-Excuse me.
-Mikey.
307
00:16:03,190 --> 00:16:06,140
-Excuse me.
-Scotch.
308
00:16:06,130 --> 00:16:08,140
-It's packed.
-Yeah, busy.
309
00:16:08,130 --> 00:16:11,040
-Busy.
-Yeah. Thank you.
310
00:16:11,030 --> 00:16:13,050
Hey, excuse me.
You might have
311
00:16:13,090 --> 00:16:14,210
offered to help me.
312
00:16:14,200 --> 00:16:18,010
If you please,
a beer for my friend.
313
00:16:18,000 --> 00:16:20,140
[CLEARS THROAT]
Thank you.
314
00:16:20,130 --> 00:16:22,010
Hey, man, listen.
Sorry to do this to you,
315
00:16:22,050 --> 00:16:22,200
but I gotta go.
316
00:16:22,190 --> 00:16:23,230
-Sure.
-Hey, asshole.
317
00:16:24,030 --> 00:16:25,120
What is your problem?
318
00:16:25,110 --> 00:16:27,030
-You shouldn't drink any more.
-Why shouldn't I?
319
00:16:27,070 --> 00:16:27,220
I just got here.
320
00:16:27,210 --> 00:16:30,060
-Because you're
driving me home.
321
00:16:30,100 --> 00:16:31,050
-Oh, God.
322
00:16:31,040 --> 00:16:33,050
Oh, God.
323
00:16:39,020 --> 00:16:41,080
-What's up?
-Hey, hey, hey.
324
00:16:41,070 --> 00:16:42,110
-Buy you a drink?
-Actually, I think
325
00:16:42,150 --> 00:16:43,100
I'm going to leave.
326
00:16:43,090 --> 00:16:44,230
-You ain't married, are you?
-Not yet.
327
00:16:45,030 --> 00:16:46,090
You'd better hurry though.
328
00:16:46,090 --> 00:16:49,210
-Another round.
Did Mikey show?
329
00:16:50,020 --> 00:16:50,190
-Yes.
330
00:16:51,190 --> 00:16:55,050
Cute. How'd he play her?
331
00:16:55,040 --> 00:16:58,000
I think he used the
you're-less-than-nothing-to-me
332
00:16:58,040 --> 00:16:58,190
strategy.
333
00:17:00,100 --> 00:17:02,220
It never fails, man.
334
00:17:03,200 --> 00:17:05,160
You miss her, huh?
335
00:17:06,070 --> 00:17:07,140
You kidding?
336
00:17:07,130 --> 00:17:10,090
Surrounded by all
these available women?
337
00:17:10,080 --> 00:17:12,080
More than ever.
338
00:17:12,070 --> 00:17:15,080
I know the feeling,
only worse.
339
00:17:15,070 --> 00:17:17,220
Imagine feeling like that
in this place... without
340
00:17:18,020 --> 00:17:19,090
havin' anybody to miss.
341
00:17:21,060 --> 00:17:23,230
Hey, how you doin'?
342
00:17:25,120 --> 00:17:27,100
[EXHALES]
You ready to go?
343
00:17:27,100 --> 00:17:29,120
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
344
00:17:29,110 --> 00:17:33,030
Okay, so you had a close
encounter with something.
345
00:17:33,020 --> 00:17:34,160
You saw the light in the
airport.
346
00:17:34,200 --> 00:17:37,150
Ten years later, it's
still messin' with your head.
347
00:17:37,140 --> 00:17:39,130
It was important.
It set the bar for me
348
00:17:39,170 --> 00:17:41,090
on some level.
Is that so bad?
349
00:17:41,080 --> 00:17:43,070
It's bad if it keeps you
from hooking up with
350
00:17:43,110 --> 00:17:44,160
a woman who's attractive,
351
00:17:44,160 --> 00:17:47,120
smart and of
legal consenting age.
352
00:17:47,120 --> 00:17:49,160
What if she's still out there?
Don't I at least owe it
353
00:17:49,200 --> 00:17:51,040
to myself to try and find her?
354
00:17:51,030 --> 00:17:55,040
You're hunting Sasquatch.
See? There she is.
355
00:17:55,030 --> 00:17:58,170
Shadow lady?
She's a Sasquatch?
356
00:17:58,160 --> 00:18:02,020
She's the myth,
the perfect woman.
357
00:18:02,010 --> 00:18:05,160
[SCOFFS] A figment of our
dumb-ass male imagination.
358
00:18:05,150 --> 00:18:09,150
Slap a face on the shadow bitch,
and she ceases to be perfect,
359
00:18:09,140 --> 00:18:12,070
because she becomes real.
360
00:18:16,190 --> 00:18:20,040
So what exactly
is all this crap?
361
00:18:20,030 --> 00:18:22,090
It's market research,
362
00:18:22,080 --> 00:18:24,190
insurance for the creatives
who came up with
363
00:18:24,230 --> 00:18:26,060
this shitty campaign.
364
00:18:26,050 --> 00:18:29,050
If I can coerce a focus group
to say that a picture
365
00:18:29,090 --> 00:18:30,160
of an anorexic model
366
00:18:30,150 --> 00:18:32,220
bottle-feeding
two large men in diapers
367
00:18:32,210 --> 00:18:34,110
makes them want
to buy a pair of jeans,
368
00:18:34,150 --> 00:18:35,150
then I've done my job.
369
00:18:35,140 --> 00:18:38,100
That is a twisted way
to make a living.
370
00:18:38,090 --> 00:18:41,030
I know, but at least
it's the fashion biz, right?
371
00:18:41,020 --> 00:18:44,020
-So why don't you
just move here?
372
00:18:44,060 --> 00:18:45,170
-I don't know.
373
00:18:45,160 --> 00:18:48,180
-Maybe I will.
-Who is that?
374
00:18:50,020 --> 00:18:52,110
It's Mr. Hahn, my boss.
375
00:18:52,100 --> 00:18:54,090
And you get paid?
376
00:18:54,080 --> 00:18:56,100
D, look at it
mathematically.
377
00:18:56,090 --> 00:18:58,200
If just one person
hooks up with somebody
378
00:18:59,000 --> 00:19:00,180
who isn't their soul mate,
379
00:19:00,170 --> 00:19:03,020
you got a chain reaction
that screws it up for
380
00:19:03,060 --> 00:19:04,160
everybody on the planet.
381
00:19:04,150 --> 00:19:06,100
Your soul mate ends up
with someone else's who
382
00:19:06,140 --> 00:19:07,200
settles for someone else's--
383
00:19:07,190 --> 00:19:09,010
Which makes it
all the more important
384
00:19:09,050 --> 00:19:10,040
to find the right person.
385
00:19:10,030 --> 00:19:12,220
It's a glass-half-empty,
glass-half-full scenario.
386
00:19:12,210 --> 00:19:16,150
If you ask me, your glass
is half full of crap.
387
00:19:16,140 --> 00:19:18,130
-You sure you don't want
any late night eats?
388
00:19:18,170 --> 00:19:20,060
-No. I'm out of here.
Take care.
389
00:19:27,040 --> 00:19:31,010
[WHIRRING]
390
00:19:31,000 --> 00:19:33,110
-You got a problem?
-How's the chili?
391
00:19:33,110 --> 00:19:35,200
I'd give my right arm
for a bowl.
392
00:19:36,000 --> 00:19:36,170
[LAUGHS]
393
00:19:39,120 --> 00:19:41,110
I'll hand that--
I'll have that.
394
00:20:19,090 --> 00:20:22,040
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
That was the glow.
395
00:20:22,040 --> 00:20:23,080
That was the feeling
you got in the airport.
396
00:20:23,130 --> 00:20:24,050
It's happening again.
397
00:20:25,040 --> 00:20:26,180
I'm gonna do this.
Can you do this?
398
00:20:26,220 --> 00:20:28,040
Can you answer the call?
399
00:20:28,030 --> 00:20:30,040
You've done it before.
You're gonna do it again. Go.
400
00:20:30,030 --> 00:20:32,220
I'm gonna do this.
I'm gonna do this.
401
00:20:32,210 --> 00:20:37,060
Can you? Can you? [EXHALES]
Don't let her get away.
402
00:20:40,190 --> 00:20:44,060
[GASPS]
Where did she go?
403
00:20:44,050 --> 00:20:47,010
Where did that girl go?
Where did she--
404
00:20:47,000 --> 00:20:49,230
She left, crap-sack.
405
00:20:55,060 --> 00:20:57,070
Creep.
406
00:21:00,100 --> 00:21:03,100
Wait up! Stop, stop!
407
00:21:03,090 --> 00:21:06,210
Stop! Wait up!
Don't go! Don't--
408
00:21:15,170 --> 00:21:18,070
[RINGING]
409
00:21:18,060 --> 00:21:20,140
WOMAN [ON PHONE]:
Quick Match Personals.
410
00:21:20,180 --> 00:21:21,180
May I help you?
411
00:21:21,170 --> 00:21:23,060
[WHISPERING]
Hi. I'd like to
412
00:21:23,100 --> 00:21:24,160
place a personal ad.
413
00:21:24,150 --> 00:21:26,220
-I'm sorry.
Can you please speak up?
414
00:21:27,020 --> 00:21:28,040
-A personal ad.
415
00:21:28,030 --> 00:21:30,010
I want to place a personal--
416
00:21:35,140 --> 00:21:38,010
Hello? Is anyone there?
417
00:21:39,080 --> 00:21:41,170
Hello?
418
00:21:41,160 --> 00:21:46,060
Sorry. I dropped the phone.
I'm here. This is my first time.
419
00:21:48,000 --> 00:21:51,210
Okay, here goes.
420
00:21:52,230 --> 00:21:57,120
Wanted: soul mate.
421
00:21:57,110 --> 00:22:00,140
Potential soul mate...
422
00:22:00,130 --> 00:22:03,150
looking for his... soul mate.
423
00:22:03,140 --> 00:22:09,060
You: Soul mate material.
Me: Open, intelligent and--
424
00:22:09,050 --> 00:22:13,040
-Soul mate-y?
-Yes.
425
00:22:24,100 --> 00:22:26,150
[RINGING]
426
00:22:29,110 --> 00:22:30,190
-[BEEPS]
-Who's dead?
427
00:22:30,230 --> 00:22:32,190
Somebody better be dead.
428
00:22:32,180 --> 00:22:35,060
Hey, hey, Tyler.
Man, it's Mikey. I wake ya?
429
00:22:35,050 --> 00:22:37,130
-What time is it?
-It's 1:00 in the morning,
430
00:22:37,170 --> 00:22:39,030
4:00 to you.
Sorry, man.
431
00:22:39,020 --> 00:22:40,210
What's wrong?
What happened?
432
00:22:40,200 --> 00:22:42,140
-Nothin'.
I just wanted to talk.
433
00:22:42,180 --> 00:22:44,060
-At 4:00 in the morning?
434
00:22:44,050 --> 00:22:46,010
It's cheaper.
435
00:22:48,040 --> 00:22:52,200
Listen, Ty, uh,
how'd you do it?
436
00:22:52,190 --> 00:22:55,180
-How did I do what?
-How did you, you know, uh--
437
00:22:55,170 --> 00:22:59,000
How did you find somebody
who made the cut?
438
00:22:58,230 --> 00:23:02,140
I don't know. It was
just this feeling that hit me,
439
00:23:04,020 --> 00:23:05,190
like a blinding realization,
440
00:23:05,180 --> 00:23:08,180
like pure truth.
441
00:23:11,090 --> 00:23:13,110
What is this all about?
442
00:23:13,100 --> 00:23:16,130
Nothin'. Nothin'.
443
00:23:16,130 --> 00:23:19,170
Forget it.
Hey, congratulations.
444
00:23:19,160 --> 00:23:21,160
-Mike?
-Yeah?
445
00:23:21,150 --> 00:23:23,060
Pull this shit again,
you don't get to be my best man.
446
00:23:23,060 --> 00:23:26,160
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-[BEEPS]
447
00:23:28,050 --> 00:23:30,150
Always a best man,
never a man.
448
00:23:49,150 --> 00:23:52,230
Head up, head up.
Good, good.
449
00:23:57,190 --> 00:24:00,080
Oh, my God.
This is so exciting.
450
00:24:00,080 --> 00:24:02,170
I think I just met
Naomi Campbell's hair person.
451
00:24:02,160 --> 00:24:05,170
So, um, is there anything
we should be doing?
452
00:24:05,160 --> 00:24:08,030
This is the glamorous world
of market research.
453
00:24:08,020 --> 00:24:10,070
We just sit around
until somebody wonders--
454
00:24:10,060 --> 00:24:11,220
Why are those men
wearing diapers?
455
00:24:15,060 --> 00:24:19,070
Uh, I guess I can answer
that question for you, sir.
456
00:24:19,060 --> 00:24:20,200
You can answer that?
457
00:24:20,190 --> 00:24:24,070
Yes, we did research in
the Midwest which indicated
458
00:24:24,060 --> 00:24:28,150
that our target market was
getting younger, as you can see.
459
00:24:28,140 --> 00:24:31,050
Our focus groups taught us
that it would be wise to do
460
00:24:31,090 --> 00:24:32,110
a preemptive strike,
461
00:24:32,100 --> 00:24:37,010
and showcase young imagery
in our new campaigns.
462
00:24:37,000 --> 00:24:39,070
And this explains why
I'm spending $2 million
463
00:24:39,110 --> 00:24:41,030
putting grown men in Huggies?
464
00:24:41,030 --> 00:24:43,120
You realize if I did this in
my basement and posted them on
465
00:24:43,160 --> 00:24:45,000
the Internet, I'd be arrested.
466
00:24:46,040 --> 00:24:48,080
Also save a lot of money.
467
00:24:51,120 --> 00:24:52,180
What are you doing for lunch?
468
00:24:56,100 --> 00:24:58,120
I'm sorry, Julie couldn't
make it tonight.
469
00:24:58,160 --> 00:25:00,100
She really
does want to meet ya.
470
00:25:00,090 --> 00:25:02,140
-Me too.
-Yeah.
471
00:25:02,130 --> 00:25:06,020
But at least now you can tell me
how all of this happened.
472
00:25:06,010 --> 00:25:08,060
[LAUGHS]
Yeah.
473
00:25:08,050 --> 00:25:09,140
-You used to refer
to marriage as--
474
00:25:09,180 --> 00:25:10,130
-I know, I know!
475
00:25:10,120 --> 00:25:12,120
Cruel and unusual punishment.
It's her.
476
00:25:12,160 --> 00:25:14,110
She's just
hit me like a truck.
477
00:25:14,100 --> 00:25:16,020
But you were ready for it,
right?
478
00:25:16,060 --> 00:25:18,090
You were wandering
around in traffic?
479
00:25:18,090 --> 00:25:20,210
Yeah, I guess
it was in traffic.
480
00:25:20,210 --> 00:25:23,100
If it can happen to me,
though, it can happen
481
00:25:23,140 --> 00:25:24,180
to anybody, right?
482
00:25:24,170 --> 00:25:27,130
Anybody who isn't Mike,
of course.
483
00:25:27,120 --> 00:25:29,110
You know what?
I got a strange call
484
00:25:29,150 --> 00:25:31,030
from Mike the other day.
485
00:25:31,020 --> 00:25:33,060
He seemed genuinely
concerned not to have
486
00:25:33,100 --> 00:25:34,150
somebody in his life.
487
00:25:34,140 --> 00:25:36,180
Mike in a relationship?
488
00:25:36,170 --> 00:25:38,110
Isn't that one of the signs
of the Apocalypse?
489
00:25:38,100 --> 00:25:40,030
Nostradamus predicted it.
490
00:25:40,020 --> 00:25:42,130
He said in the latter part
of the 20th century
491
00:25:42,120 --> 00:25:45,150
the lone cock
would crow no more.
492
00:25:48,070 --> 00:25:50,110
That's scary.
493
00:25:50,100 --> 00:25:52,020
Why do you think David's
so reluctant to take
494
00:25:52,060 --> 00:25:53,050
the next step with me?
495
00:25:53,040 --> 00:25:56,200
Oh. David?
496
00:25:58,140 --> 00:26:00,080
I was playing
the field, all right?
497
00:26:00,120 --> 00:26:01,200
I got burned out on it.
498
00:26:01,190 --> 00:26:04,010
Uh, you know,
David hasn't exactly
499
00:26:04,050 --> 00:26:06,040
been out playing the field.
500
00:26:07,100 --> 00:26:09,170
He's been playing house with me.
501
00:26:09,170 --> 00:26:11,120
It's a fun game.
502
00:26:13,170 --> 00:26:15,230
SARAH:
So let me get this straight.
503
00:26:15,230 --> 00:26:18,130
By working at a relationship
with this guy
504
00:26:18,170 --> 00:26:20,070
for the past five years,
505
00:26:20,060 --> 00:26:22,040
I have actually
undermined any possibility
506
00:26:22,080 --> 00:26:23,100
of a future with him?
507
00:26:23,090 --> 00:26:25,110
-TYLER: -Yeah, maybe.
No, I don't know.
508
00:26:25,150 --> 00:26:26,130
-SARAH [sighs]
509
00:26:26,120 --> 00:26:28,000
TYLER: David's a really
sharp guy.
510
00:26:28,040 --> 00:26:29,220
He'll probably
come to his senses.
511
00:26:29,210 --> 00:26:33,080
-I mean, you're all he wants.
-I'm all he knows.
512
00:26:34,060 --> 00:26:36,000
Well, that can work.
513
00:26:35,230 --> 00:26:38,080
-[CLICKING]
-SARAH: David, it's me.
514
00:26:38,070 --> 00:26:40,180
It's late,
and you're not home.
515
00:26:40,170 --> 00:26:44,110
That's good.
I hope you're out having fun.
516
00:26:44,100 --> 00:26:46,130
Look, I know this sounds weird,
517
00:26:46,120 --> 00:26:49,040
but if you need to see other
women to figure this stuff out,
518
00:26:49,030 --> 00:26:50,130
I can handle it.
519
00:26:50,120 --> 00:26:52,110
Maybe it's being
here on my own
520
00:26:52,100 --> 00:26:54,110
or from asking you
for a decision,
521
00:26:54,100 --> 00:26:57,080
I guess I've gained
a new perspective on things.
522
00:26:57,070 --> 00:26:59,170
I think it's important
for us to explore whatever
523
00:26:59,210 --> 00:27:00,220
options we need to,
524
00:27:00,220 --> 00:27:02,210
so if that's part of it
for you,
525
00:27:03,010 --> 00:27:04,220
just know that I understand.
526
00:27:04,210 --> 00:27:06,230
[BEEPING]
527
00:27:06,220 --> 00:27:08,230
[TECHNO MUSIC]
528
00:27:15,080 --> 00:27:18,040
She second-guessed our move.
She's more cunning than
529
00:27:18,080 --> 00:27:19,160
I thought.
She's good.
530
00:27:19,150 --> 00:27:21,140
-You're lucky I'm on board.
-It's not like her.
531
00:27:21,130 --> 00:27:24,150
Why would she say it's okay
to go out with other women?
532
00:27:24,150 --> 00:27:26,150
Why indeed?
533
00:27:32,170 --> 00:27:35,230
Shouldn't you be out there
playing wing man for Jonesy?
534
00:27:35,220 --> 00:27:38,040
Please.
535
00:27:38,030 --> 00:27:40,100
I never realized
you were so picky.
536
00:27:40,090 --> 00:27:43,190
You think I'm one of
these assy scam-hounds?
537
00:27:43,180 --> 00:27:46,100
I have very particular tastes,
a strict list of qualities
538
00:27:46,140 --> 00:27:47,180
I look for in a woman.
539
00:27:47,170 --> 00:27:49,170
I'm not just fuckin'
around out here.
540
00:27:49,160 --> 00:27:53,040
What? Seriously.
All this play I get?
541
00:27:53,030 --> 00:27:56,190
I'm not wastin'...
my time.
542
00:27:56,180 --> 00:27:58,160
It's practice.
It's practice
543
00:27:58,200 --> 00:28:00,040
for the big game.
544
00:28:00,040 --> 00:28:02,160
-Maybe it's not a game.
-Mmm.
545
00:28:03,150 --> 00:28:05,170
You've been off the circuit
way too long, brother.
546
00:28:05,210 --> 00:28:06,220
Of course it's a game.
547
00:28:06,220 --> 00:28:08,220
It's better than a game.
It's a sport.
548
00:28:08,220 --> 00:28:12,060
It's better than a sport even.
It's sport fishing.
549
00:28:12,050 --> 00:28:15,150
Case in point.
550
00:28:15,140 --> 00:28:17,080
Look at him.
See those chicks
551
00:28:17,120 --> 00:28:18,200
he's wastin' it on?
552
00:28:18,190 --> 00:28:21,010
Hi, ladies!
Those are bass.
553
00:28:21,000 --> 00:28:24,060
We all go bass fishing
from time to time.
554
00:28:24,050 --> 00:28:27,120
You can get really good
at it with practice. Yay!
555
00:28:27,110 --> 00:28:30,130
But while he's spending
all of his time hooking up
556
00:28:30,170 --> 00:28:32,020
with bottom-feeders,
557
00:28:32,010 --> 00:28:35,060
the crucial skills he'll need
to hook his wife are atrophying.
558
00:28:35,050 --> 00:28:38,210
You see, scamming's
like fishing.
559
00:28:38,200 --> 00:28:43,150
If your dream girl were
a fish, what would she be?
560
00:28:43,140 --> 00:28:45,140
I don't know. Tuna?
561
00:28:45,130 --> 00:28:49,050
Yeah. No.
A marlin.
562
00:28:49,040 --> 00:28:51,120
A big trophy fish.
563
00:28:51,110 --> 00:28:53,030
To catch a marlin,
you've got to use entirely
564
00:28:53,070 --> 00:28:54,000
different skills.
565
00:28:53,230 --> 00:28:56,120
You don't go marlin fishing
with a sorry-ass fold-out pole
566
00:28:56,160 --> 00:28:57,100
six-pound test.
567
00:28:57,090 --> 00:28:59,170
That'll do for bass,
but it sure as shit
568
00:28:59,210 --> 00:29:01,130
ain't gonna land a marlin.
569
00:29:01,120 --> 00:29:03,170
You gotta up your game.
570
00:29:03,160 --> 00:29:05,160
You gotta know where
the elusive beauties lie.
571
00:29:05,200 --> 00:29:07,060
You gotta know where to fish.
572
00:29:07,050 --> 00:29:08,090
They're rare.
Most days
573
00:29:08,130 --> 00:29:10,210
you don't catch shit,
but when you do--
574
00:29:10,200 --> 00:29:14,020
[LAUGHS]
Wham!
575
00:29:14,020 --> 00:29:18,160
The two of you are back
at the dock taking pictures.
576
00:29:18,150 --> 00:29:21,080
DAVID: Okay, another
huge flaw I have with:
577
00:29:21,070 --> 00:29:24,090
"Why buy the cow when you can
get the milk for free" is this:
578
00:29:24,080 --> 00:29:26,010
milk is not free.
579
00:29:26,000 --> 00:29:27,210
The point is, if you're
hankering for some milk,
580
00:29:27,200 --> 00:29:30,110
one way or another, you're
gonna have to pay for it.
581
00:29:30,100 --> 00:29:32,170
-[TECHNO MUSIC]
-MAN: Hey!
582
00:29:36,190 --> 00:29:39,160
[WOMAN SINGS, INDISTINCT]
583
00:29:44,170 --> 00:29:46,190
MAN:
Wow.
584
00:29:59,190 --> 00:30:01,160
Oh!
585
00:30:01,150 --> 00:30:04,030
You diggin' this?
I told ya I'd make it up to ya.
586
00:30:04,020 --> 00:30:07,200
Please point out which of these
lovely young ladies is a marlin.
587
00:30:07,190 --> 00:30:09,230
MIKE: We're done fishin'
for the day, buddy.
588
00:30:09,220 --> 00:30:12,150
-We're at the aquarium now.
-Hi, guys.
589
00:30:12,140 --> 00:30:14,170
Checkin' out
the exotic fishies.
590
00:30:14,160 --> 00:30:17,150
And look. They even got
one of those petting tanks.
591
00:30:17,140 --> 00:30:20,150
DAVID: Oh, my God.
592
00:30:20,140 --> 00:30:22,150
WOMAN: I've already
told him about you,
593
00:30:22,190 --> 00:30:24,130
and his friend is totally hot.
594
00:30:24,130 --> 00:30:25,210
Sarah, you have got to
get my back.
595
00:30:26,010 --> 00:30:27,170
I have been
after this guy for a week.
596
00:30:27,160 --> 00:30:29,140
They're going
to be here in an hour,
597
00:30:29,180 --> 00:30:30,220
so just get my back.
598
00:30:30,210 --> 00:30:35,070
I gotta go.
I'll do what I can. Bye.
599
00:30:36,090 --> 00:30:37,180
Hi.
600
00:30:37,170 --> 00:30:39,110
Hey.
601
00:30:39,110 --> 00:30:42,170
Have you given any thought to
our conversation the other day?
602
00:30:42,160 --> 00:30:45,170
It's all I've been
thinking about.
603
00:30:45,160 --> 00:30:49,120
But the problem is, I'm involved
with someone back in L.A.
604
00:30:49,110 --> 00:30:52,140
But I'm not sure
what's happening with us.
605
00:30:52,130 --> 00:30:54,100
-I need more time to
figure it out.
606
00:30:54,140 --> 00:30:56,030
Is that okay?
-Of course.
607
00:30:56,020 --> 00:30:58,100
Just don't take too long.
608
00:30:58,090 --> 00:31:01,200
[TECHNO MUSIC]
609
00:31:13,150 --> 00:31:16,010
Oh, yeah!
610
00:31:16,000 --> 00:31:19,100
Gosh, a dollar.
Now I can quit stripping
611
00:31:19,090 --> 00:31:21,190
and go back to vet school
and save my sick pony.
612
00:31:21,180 --> 00:31:25,090
-[LAUGHS]
-Thanks, Mike.
613
00:31:25,090 --> 00:31:27,100
-[COUGHS]
-You're a prince.
614
00:31:27,090 --> 00:31:30,070
-Amy?
-David, you know her?
615
00:31:30,060 --> 00:31:32,100
Holy shit!
It is Amy!
616
00:31:32,100 --> 00:31:35,140
Give me a sec. I have
to make one last go-around.
617
00:31:35,130 --> 00:31:37,060
-You guys know her?
-From school.
618
00:31:37,100 --> 00:31:39,100
I can't
believe this is happening.
619
00:31:39,090 --> 00:31:41,180
I can't believe
this is happening.
620
00:31:41,220 --> 00:31:43,040
She looks great.
621
00:31:43,030 --> 00:31:45,040
She definitely
lost that freshman 15.
622
00:31:45,040 --> 00:31:47,190
Oh, she looks hot!
Damn!
623
00:31:47,180 --> 00:31:49,120
-Oh!
-Hey, you guys.
624
00:31:49,160 --> 00:31:51,070
How are you two?
625
00:31:51,060 --> 00:31:52,230
-[CLEARS THROAT]
-You work here?
626
00:31:53,030 --> 00:31:54,030
This is awesome.
627
00:31:54,030 --> 00:31:57,190
-No, Mike, I'm just hangin'.
-This is such a surprise.
628
00:31:57,180 --> 00:32:00,180
-Yeah, you look good--
-[COUGHING]
629
00:32:00,170 --> 00:32:03,200
Amy, this is Jonesy.
Jonesy, this is Amy.
630
00:32:03,200 --> 00:32:05,190
-How you doin'?
-Pleasure to meet you.
631
00:32:05,180 --> 00:32:09,070
[DEEP VOICE] Uh-huh.
Pleasure's all mine.
632
00:32:09,060 --> 00:32:10,180
Turn it down a notch.
You're channeling
633
00:32:10,220 --> 00:32:11,180
Barry White again.
634
00:32:11,170 --> 00:32:14,150
Hey, was she this hot
when you two were dating?
635
00:32:14,140 --> 00:32:16,150
Hold it, he went out
with a stripper?
636
00:32:16,140 --> 00:32:18,220
Actually, I was just
a freshman back then,
637
00:32:19,020 --> 00:32:20,170
studying to be a stripper.
638
00:32:20,160 --> 00:32:24,140
David helped me bone up
on my pole-dancing exam.
639
00:32:24,130 --> 00:32:26,030
Can I buy you a drink
for old times' sake?
640
00:32:26,020 --> 00:32:27,180
-Yeah.
-Come on.
641
00:32:32,200 --> 00:32:35,210
They're gonna do it.
642
00:32:41,090 --> 00:32:43,140
I often wonder how long
we would have lasted if
643
00:32:43,180 --> 00:32:45,060
I hadn't broken up with you.
644
00:32:45,050 --> 00:32:47,100
Two-and-a-half days.
I was gonna dump you
645
00:32:47,140 --> 00:32:49,040
right after my last final.
646
00:32:49,030 --> 00:32:52,050
I didn't have the time to get
into a big emotional thing
647
00:32:52,090 --> 00:32:53,210
with you.
I had to study.
648
00:32:53,200 --> 00:32:56,150
What a... relief.
649
00:32:56,140 --> 00:32:58,160
This whole time I thought
I broke your heart.
650
00:32:58,150 --> 00:33:00,130
Give me a break.
We weren't in love or anything.
651
00:33:00,170 --> 00:33:01,190
We were just having fun.
652
00:33:01,180 --> 00:33:04,110
-See, there were no
expectations back then.
653
00:33:04,160 --> 00:33:06,110
-Give me a hand with this.
654
00:33:06,100 --> 00:33:08,200
I mean,
when did that change?
655
00:33:08,190 --> 00:33:12,200
Um, it didn't.
You did.
656
00:33:12,190 --> 00:33:17,040
It only seems different now
because you outgrew it.
657
00:33:17,030 --> 00:33:19,230
-I don't know.
-I do.
658
00:33:19,220 --> 00:33:22,090
Just look at your
dick-with-ears friend out there.
659
00:33:22,080 --> 00:33:25,130
Do you think that Amy chick
would take the bait?
660
00:33:25,120 --> 00:33:27,230
-I thought that was
Dave's old flame.
661
00:33:28,030 --> 00:33:29,090
-Keyword: "was."
662
00:33:29,080 --> 00:33:32,070
Damn it!
I bet I could have had her.
663
00:33:32,060 --> 00:33:34,150
Back when she was goin' out
with your best friend?
664
00:33:34,190 --> 00:33:36,110
That would have been real cool.
665
00:33:36,100 --> 00:33:41,120
You bet. Although I'm sure
she wasn't as hot back then.
666
00:33:45,170 --> 00:33:49,220
-You look unbelievable.
-Thanks.
667
00:33:49,210 --> 00:33:52,040
[EXHALES]
668
00:33:52,030 --> 00:33:54,000
When did it get so difficult
to figure out what I want?
669
00:33:54,230 --> 00:33:58,040
Oh, if you're like
most people, darlin',
670
00:33:58,030 --> 00:34:00,040
right around the time
you found something
671
00:34:00,080 --> 00:34:01,030
worth wanting.
672
00:34:02,140 --> 00:34:04,060
Hand me that dildo,
will you?
673
00:35:01,130 --> 00:35:03,120
She circled my ad.
674
00:35:03,120 --> 00:35:08,080
[PANTING]
675
00:35:08,070 --> 00:35:10,030
[WHIRS]
676
00:35:12,020 --> 00:35:13,170
DAVID: She circled my ad!
677
00:35:14,150 --> 00:35:17,010
[LAUGHING]
678
00:35:19,080 --> 00:35:23,050
[BEEPING]
679
00:35:23,040 --> 00:35:27,130
WOMAN [ON PHONE]:
Quick Match mailbox number 247.
680
00:35:27,120 --> 00:35:31,160
You have 32 messages.
681
00:35:31,150 --> 00:35:35,050
To play unheard messages,
press three.
682
00:35:35,040 --> 00:35:37,140
To delete messages, press two.
683
00:35:37,130 --> 00:35:40,080
WOMAN [IN SPANISH ACCENT]:
Hola, Soul Mate.
684
00:35:40,120 --> 00:35:42,210
I search
for you for a long time.
685
00:35:42,200 --> 00:35:45,000
I think we should get together.
686
00:35:44,230 --> 00:35:49,210
I have dark hair, dark eyes
and a nipple key ring.
687
00:35:49,200 --> 00:35:53,160
I'm a maid, see,
so I have lots of keys.
688
00:35:53,150 --> 00:35:54,030
-Lots and lots--
-[KEYS JINGLING]
689
00:35:55,020 --> 00:35:57,010
MAN: Your ad intrigued me,
Soul Mate.
690
00:35:57,000 --> 00:35:59,030
A little about myself--
I love dressing up
691
00:35:59,070 --> 00:36:00,060
and getting down.
692
00:36:00,050 --> 00:36:02,100
I'm somewhat of
a walking contradiction--
693
00:36:02,090 --> 00:36:04,160
open-minded,
yet lactose-intolerant.
694
00:36:04,150 --> 00:36:08,180
I yearn for someone who
enjoys big surprises. Call me.
695
00:36:08,170 --> 00:36:09,220
[BEEPING]
696
00:36:11,200 --> 00:36:14,180
[BEEPS]
697
00:36:22,010 --> 00:36:26,020
-[SNORING]
-[BEEPING]
698
00:36:26,010 --> 00:36:27,150
WOMAN: If you'd like
to make a call,
699
00:36:27,140 --> 00:36:29,010
please hang up and try again.
700
00:36:29,000 --> 00:36:30,230
If you--
701
00:36:50,000 --> 00:36:54,040
[BEEPING]
702
00:36:54,030 --> 00:36:57,070
[LINE RINGING]
703
00:36:57,060 --> 00:37:00,010
WOMAN: Hello, David. I've
been waiting for your call,
704
00:37:00,000 --> 00:37:03,070
ever since I saw you
in that Mexican restaurant.
705
00:37:03,060 --> 00:37:06,140
I've fantasized about us,
our bodies entwined
706
00:37:06,130 --> 00:37:09,030
and covered in salsa.
707
00:37:09,020 --> 00:37:10,210
Salsa.
708
00:37:10,200 --> 00:37:12,230
We're destined
to be together, David.
709
00:37:13,030 --> 00:37:14,040
It's just like--
710
00:37:15,120 --> 00:37:17,060
Chips and salsa?
711
00:37:17,060 --> 00:37:20,230
That's right. And now--
712
00:37:20,220 --> 00:37:23,080
-[LINE BEEPS]
-Oh, that's my other line.
713
00:37:23,120 --> 00:37:24,020
Hold on.
714
00:37:24,010 --> 00:37:26,040
-WOMAN: Hello?
-MIKE: David! It's Mike.
715
00:37:26,030 --> 00:37:28,170
You there? Pick up.
716
00:37:30,100 --> 00:37:33,200
Come on! Pick up, David.
This is important.
717
00:37:35,110 --> 00:37:39,050
-Mike?
-David, it's happened to me.
718
00:37:39,040 --> 00:37:41,080
Congratulations.
Look, I'm really
719
00:37:41,120 --> 00:37:42,200
not feeling very--
720
00:37:42,190 --> 00:37:44,210
No, listen, David.
721
00:37:44,200 --> 00:37:48,140
I am lying naked
in a strange bed,
722
00:37:48,130 --> 00:37:51,190
staring at
the most beautiful woman
723
00:37:51,180 --> 00:37:54,160
I have ever seen
in my entire life.
724
00:37:54,150 --> 00:37:57,090
Tell her I said hi.
I've really got to go now.
725
00:37:57,090 --> 00:37:59,150
No, no, no.
She's not here.
726
00:37:59,140 --> 00:38:03,000
I'm looking
at her picture, okay?
727
00:38:03,000 --> 00:38:04,060
Damn marlin jumped right into
my boat, caught me unawares.
728
00:38:05,050 --> 00:38:06,190
What are you talking about?
729
00:38:06,180 --> 00:38:10,120
Okay, that whole
after hours rave?
730
00:38:10,110 --> 00:38:12,200
Complete blank.
The last solid memory I have
731
00:38:12,190 --> 00:38:14,110
was drinking some
green glowy shit
732
00:38:14,150 --> 00:38:15,170
out of a test tube
733
00:38:15,170 --> 00:38:17,020
and dancing like a bastard.
734
00:38:17,010 --> 00:38:19,040
-But, David--
-What?
735
00:38:19,030 --> 00:38:21,070
Something magical happened
in this room last night.
736
00:38:21,060 --> 00:38:25,220
Something...
bigger than sex--
737
00:38:27,220 --> 00:38:31,010
although sex was
definitely a factor.
738
00:38:31,000 --> 00:38:33,130
-But you don't remember.
-No, last night's a total blur.
739
00:38:33,120 --> 00:38:38,170
But listen. I woke up
this morning, and I've got...
740
00:38:39,160 --> 00:38:41,200
the feeling.
741
00:38:41,190 --> 00:38:45,010
-Is it a burning sensation?
-No, no, David!
742
00:38:45,000 --> 00:38:46,150
The feeling.
When you just know,
743
00:38:46,190 --> 00:38:48,120
the pure blinding truth stuff.
744
00:38:48,110 --> 00:38:51,010
I've met her, David.
745
00:38:51,000 --> 00:38:55,010
For the first time in my life,
I think I'm in love. Me.
746
00:38:55,000 --> 00:38:57,110
-[CLATTERING]
-Oh, shit, here she comes.
747
00:38:57,110 --> 00:38:58,180
Gotta go, moment of truth. Bye.
748
00:39:04,040 --> 00:39:06,060
[DOOR OPENS]
749
00:39:06,050 --> 00:39:08,010
Good morning, sunshine.
750
00:39:09,080 --> 00:39:11,210
Oh, is that for me?
751
00:39:13,010 --> 00:39:16,230
Oops. You've been deflowered.
752
00:39:16,220 --> 00:39:19,130
I can't believe you're even up
after that performance
753
00:39:19,170 --> 00:39:20,200
you gave last night.
754
00:39:20,190 --> 00:39:24,080
In my book, you deserve
to sleep for a week.
755
00:39:24,070 --> 00:39:27,060
Oh, my.
hung over and clumsy.
756
00:39:27,050 --> 00:39:28,050
It's okay.
I'll take
757
00:39:28,090 --> 00:39:29,110
care of that.
You just
758
00:39:29,150 --> 00:39:30,200
save your strength.
759
00:39:32,060 --> 00:39:34,030
-The bathroom?
-What?
760
00:39:34,020 --> 00:39:37,010
The bathroom.
I don't feel too well.
761
00:39:37,000 --> 00:39:38,220
Oh, it's right around
the corner, lover.
762
00:39:40,010 --> 00:39:43,010
You pretty boys
are all the same.
763
00:39:43,000 --> 00:39:45,080
Strong stamina
and weak stomachs.
764
00:39:46,130 --> 00:39:48,120
It's right there.
765
00:39:51,040 --> 00:39:53,160
-[SLAMS]
-Hmph.
766
00:40:09,200 --> 00:40:13,100
You okay in there?
767
00:40:14,230 --> 00:40:17,220
This isn't happening.
It's cool.
768
00:40:17,210 --> 00:40:19,230
-Michael?
-Just a sec!
769
00:40:19,220 --> 00:40:21,090
Hmph.
770
00:40:24,050 --> 00:40:29,200
Laura was pretty impressed
with you last night,
771
00:40:29,190 --> 00:40:32,210
even before you two
started wakin' the neighborhood.
772
00:40:32,200 --> 00:40:37,090
-[WATER RUNNING]
-I'm into chicks. I love chicks.
773
00:40:37,090 --> 00:40:42,050
Breasts, legs, long hair.
774
00:40:42,040 --> 00:40:45,130
-MAN [CHATTERING]
-And breasts.
775
00:40:45,130 --> 00:40:49,000
I've never seen her make
breakfast for herself, and we've
776
00:40:49,040 --> 00:40:51,050
been roommates for three years.
777
00:40:51,040 --> 00:40:53,120
Oh, Laura ran to the store
to get you some B-12.
778
00:40:53,160 --> 00:40:55,060
She should be back any minute.
779
00:40:55,050 --> 00:40:59,040
Dad... sit down.
780
00:40:59,040 --> 00:41:02,080
[WATER CONTINUES RUNNING]
781
00:41:02,070 --> 00:41:04,080
I'm gay.
782
00:41:04,070 --> 00:41:08,020
No! No, or I was
fucked up or experimenting,
783
00:41:08,010 --> 00:41:10,080
you know,
like mom's college years.
784
00:41:11,140 --> 00:41:13,230
Oh, God! It is genetic.
785
00:41:20,130 --> 00:41:22,200
-[KNOCKING]
-MAN: I'll be out
786
00:41:23,000 --> 00:41:24,140
on the deck, okay?
787
00:41:24,130 --> 00:41:28,100
When you're... done,
let's talk.
788
00:41:28,090 --> 00:41:31,200
After what happened--
[LAUGHS] last night,
789
00:41:31,190 --> 00:41:34,220
it'd mean a lot to me if we got
to know each other better.
790
00:41:34,210 --> 00:41:38,060
Oh, yeah! You betcha!
I'll be right out!
791
00:41:39,080 --> 00:41:41,090
Jumpy little breeder.
792
00:41:51,160 --> 00:41:54,100
[GROANS]
793
00:41:54,090 --> 00:41:56,110
Shit!
794
00:42:11,080 --> 00:42:15,010
[GROANS]
795
00:42:26,090 --> 00:42:28,040
[HUMMING]
796
00:42:30,170 --> 00:42:32,190
[SCREAMS]
797
00:42:32,190 --> 00:42:34,180
[SCREAMS,
SHOUTS IN SPANISH]
798
00:42:34,170 --> 00:42:36,220
Oh! Oh, God!
799
00:42:36,210 --> 00:42:40,030
-[WHIMPERING]
-[SHOUTING CONTINUES]
800
00:42:40,020 --> 00:42:44,130
No! Watch it!
[SHOUTING]
801
00:42:44,120 --> 00:42:47,070
-[BLUBBERING]
-[SCREAMS]
802
00:42:47,060 --> 00:42:52,100
-[SCREAMS]
-[SHOUTING CONTINUES]
803
00:42:52,090 --> 00:42:57,090
[WOMAN SHOUTING
IN SPANISH]
804
00:42:57,080 --> 00:43:00,160
[GROANS]
805
00:43:03,030 --> 00:43:05,150
-Oh, God.
-BOY: Wow!
806
00:43:05,140 --> 00:43:07,190
That was just like Spider-Man.
807
00:43:11,130 --> 00:43:13,050
Actually, kid, I, uh--
808
00:43:13,040 --> 00:43:15,120
I am Spider-Man,
and I lost my costume.
809
00:43:15,110 --> 00:43:17,030
-I'm gonna need
your shirt, okay?
810
00:43:17,070 --> 00:43:18,040
-Sure, Spidey.
811
00:43:18,030 --> 00:43:21,040
-This is so cool.
-Yeah.
812
00:43:22,170 --> 00:43:24,210
Give you a little hand here.
813
00:43:26,160 --> 00:43:28,220
Billy!
Get away from that man!
814
00:43:28,210 --> 00:43:31,230
Oh, no, no, no.
Sir, I can explain. I, uh--
815
00:43:31,220 --> 00:43:34,020
No, it's not this.
816
00:43:35,090 --> 00:43:37,090
Sir! Sir? Sir?
817
00:43:37,080 --> 00:43:38,200
Sir?
818
00:43:41,070 --> 00:43:45,050
-You sick son of a--
-No. No.
819
00:43:45,040 --> 00:43:47,090
Daddy, no.
Don't shoot Spidey.
820
00:43:47,130 --> 00:43:49,100
He's my special friend.
821
00:43:49,090 --> 00:43:51,130
-No.
-Billy!
822
00:43:51,120 --> 00:43:54,070
-No, boy, get--
-Stop, drop and roll.
823
00:43:54,060 --> 00:43:57,010
Don't do it!
824
00:43:57,120 --> 00:43:58,150
Whoo!
825
00:44:02,140 --> 00:44:04,160
Run, Spidey, run!
826
00:44:04,150 --> 00:44:06,140
[SIREN WAILING]
827
00:44:10,190 --> 00:44:13,000
-[GUNSHOT]
-Whoo!
828
00:44:14,190 --> 00:44:17,030
Okay, dog, it's Snausage time.
829
00:44:19,000 --> 00:44:20,110
[BARKING]
830
00:44:20,100 --> 00:44:23,210
MAN [SPEAKING
IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE ON TV]
831
00:44:29,080 --> 00:44:31,110
WOMAN [ON TV MOANING]
832
00:44:36,000 --> 00:44:38,010
[POLICE DOG BARKING, GROWLING]
833
00:44:40,170 --> 00:44:42,060
[DOG THUDS, YELPS]
834
00:44:45,180 --> 00:44:48,000
[MOANING CONTINUES]
835
00:45:01,060 --> 00:45:04,030
This country's
just gone to shit.
836
00:45:04,020 --> 00:45:07,090
Damn! Look at
that little sodomite go.
837
00:45:12,210 --> 00:45:14,060
[GASPS]
838
00:45:15,130 --> 00:45:18,100
Nice work, Laura.
Another asshole.
839
00:45:28,020 --> 00:45:31,140
-[BEEPS]
-[SIGHS]
840
00:45:31,130 --> 00:45:35,100
[BEEPING]
841
00:45:38,230 --> 00:45:42,070
Hello, is Susan there?
842
00:45:42,060 --> 00:45:46,110
Hi, Susan. My name is David.
You answered my personal ad--
843
00:45:47,020 --> 00:45:48,230
Yeah, yeah.
844
00:45:48,220 --> 00:45:50,180
That's the one.
That's me.
845
00:45:50,170 --> 00:45:53,120
Hi. How are you?
It's nice to talk to you.
846
00:45:53,110 --> 00:45:55,220
Listen, um--
847
00:45:55,210 --> 00:46:00,060
I think we should probably
get together sometime soon.
848
00:46:00,050 --> 00:46:02,120
Hi, Cynthia. How are you?
David. That's right.
849
00:46:02,110 --> 00:46:04,230
"Soul Mate" guy.
What do you say Papa San,
850
00:46:05,030 --> 00:46:06,020
5:00, Tuesday?
851
00:46:06,010 --> 00:46:08,060
All righty. We'll see you then.
852
00:46:08,050 --> 00:46:10,000
Goin' to hell. Going to hell.
853
00:46:09,230 --> 00:46:12,120
Hi, Kathleen. I got it.
854
00:46:12,110 --> 00:46:13,200
Tuesday, Papa San.
855
00:46:13,190 --> 00:46:16,030
Tuesday? Papa San, five-ish?
856
00:46:16,020 --> 00:46:18,150
Oh, I don't know.
Papa San? 5:00, Tuesday?
857
00:46:25,020 --> 00:46:27,150
[LAUGHS]
Hi. Excuse me.
858
00:46:27,140 --> 00:46:30,080
Um, you aren't David,
by any chance, are you?
859
00:46:31,090 --> 00:46:33,200
No, no, sorry.
860
00:46:34,100 --> 00:46:36,040
Oh.
861
00:46:37,050 --> 00:46:39,170
I'm going straight
to hell for this.
862
00:46:41,130 --> 00:46:43,100
-WOMAN: David?
-It's Ralph.
863
00:46:43,140 --> 00:46:45,040
Close enough though.
864
00:46:45,030 --> 00:46:48,230
[CHATTERING]
865
00:46:54,120 --> 00:46:57,160
Sorry.
I'm meeting someone.
866
00:46:58,160 --> 00:46:59,230
I've got to
get out of here.
867
00:47:02,030 --> 00:47:03,200
Hi, David.
868
00:47:03,190 --> 00:47:05,170
Nicole? What are you
doing in L.A.?
869
00:47:05,160 --> 00:47:07,070
I'm in town for
my cousin's bar mitzvah.
870
00:47:07,110 --> 00:47:08,080
What are you doing?
871
00:47:08,070 --> 00:47:12,010
I'm, uh-- I'm leaving.
872
00:47:12,010 --> 00:47:13,170
This place is
such a meat market,
873
00:47:13,210 --> 00:47:15,050
a total singles' scene.
874
00:47:15,040 --> 00:47:17,050
-Excuse me.
Did you just call him David?
875
00:47:17,090 --> 00:47:18,210
-Yeah, that is his name--
876
00:47:18,200 --> 00:47:19,220
Nickname.
It's my nickname.
877
00:47:20,020 --> 00:47:21,180
Only my close friends
call me that.
878
00:47:21,170 --> 00:47:25,150
-What are you talking about?
-Who has David for a nickname?
879
00:47:27,040 --> 00:47:29,110
I do. It's short for...
880
00:47:29,110 --> 00:47:31,190
Davidian, Branch Davidian.
881
00:47:31,180 --> 00:47:32,210
-Wait.
Are you here
882
00:47:33,010 --> 00:47:35,150
to meet a David too?
-WOMAN 1: Yeah.
883
00:47:35,140 --> 00:47:37,000
-Who are you?
-Did you answer an ad
884
00:47:37,040 --> 00:47:38,090
in Quick Match personals?
885
00:47:38,080 --> 00:47:40,220
David, do you
know these women?
886
00:47:40,210 --> 00:47:44,150
-You son of a--
-Soul Mate, my ass!
887
00:47:45,120 --> 00:47:47,180
My name isn't David!
888
00:47:47,170 --> 00:47:52,140
-[GROANING]
-[GRUNTING]
889
00:47:52,130 --> 00:47:55,050
[GROANING]
Stop it, please!
890
00:47:55,050 --> 00:47:56,050
Excuse me.
I'm late.
891
00:47:56,090 --> 00:47:58,120
I'm supposed to meet
someone here--
892
00:47:58,110 --> 00:48:01,230
Some shit monkey invited
four women from the same dating
893
00:48:02,030 --> 00:48:03,210
service at the same time!
894
00:48:03,200 --> 00:48:07,190
Why? Why?
Just get down here, all right?
895
00:48:07,180 --> 00:48:10,090
-Send ambulances.
Send lots of ambulances!
896
00:48:10,130 --> 00:48:11,000
-What?
897
00:48:10,230 --> 00:48:14,030
DAVID: Look, I'm sorry!
898
00:48:14,020 --> 00:48:18,220
I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
I've been a bad boy.
899
00:48:18,210 --> 00:48:22,150
How does it look?
Is it bad?
900
00:48:22,140 --> 00:48:26,080
Uh, no, you're good.
901
00:48:26,070 --> 00:48:28,150
So, we're about
the same age.
902
00:48:28,140 --> 00:48:31,210
Tell me, how does one develop
such intense hatred for women
903
00:48:31,200 --> 00:48:33,180
in such a short
amount of time?
904
00:48:33,180 --> 00:48:35,130
Publicly humiliating
four women you've never
905
00:48:35,170 --> 00:48:36,110
even met before?
906
00:48:36,100 --> 00:48:40,130
I thought maybe I had
met one of them before.
907
00:48:40,170 --> 00:48:41,230
I was wrong.
908
00:48:41,220 --> 00:48:45,220
Go ahead. Call Sarah.
Rat my miserable ass out.
909
00:48:48,140 --> 00:48:50,230
Forget it.
910
00:48:50,220 --> 00:48:53,110
I might lash out at an entire
gender, too, if I had to face
911
00:48:53,150 --> 00:48:54,200
what you're dealing with.
912
00:48:54,190 --> 00:48:56,230
Must be tough.
913
00:48:56,220 --> 00:49:00,030
Wow. You're the last person
I would have expected
914
00:49:00,070 --> 00:49:02,040
sympathy from on all this.
915
00:49:02,030 --> 00:49:05,130
Well, it can't be easy,
especially now.
916
00:49:06,200 --> 00:49:08,040
What do you mean, now?
917
00:49:10,230 --> 00:49:13,070
Maybe you'd better call her.
918
00:49:16,070 --> 00:49:20,010
[PHONE RINGING]
919
00:49:20,000 --> 00:49:21,180
-Come on, Sarah.
Just pick up the damn--
920
00:49:21,220 --> 00:49:22,160
-WOMAN: Hello?
921
00:49:22,150 --> 00:49:24,220
-Hello, Sarah?
-This is Amber.
922
00:49:25,020 --> 00:49:26,160
I work with Sarah.
923
00:49:26,150 --> 00:49:29,180
-Can I take a message?
-I need to know where she is.
924
00:49:29,170 --> 00:49:32,090
She left a little early today.
Had a dinner engagement--
925
00:49:32,080 --> 00:49:34,090
Um, an appointment.
926
00:49:34,080 --> 00:49:37,050
-With who?
-Who is this?
927
00:49:37,040 --> 00:49:39,160
This is her boyfriend, David.
928
00:49:39,150 --> 00:49:42,120
Oh, I didn't know
she had a boyfriend.
929
00:49:42,110 --> 00:49:44,150
Well, she does.
Listen, I'm sorry.
930
00:49:44,190 --> 00:49:47,020
I really don't know who you are.
931
00:49:47,010 --> 00:49:49,000
But I'd really
appreciate it if you could
932
00:49:49,040 --> 00:49:50,090
just tell me who she--
933
00:49:50,080 --> 00:49:52,230
She is out with Andrew--
Mr. Hahn.
934
00:49:53,220 --> 00:49:57,070
-[CLATTERING]
-Mr. Hung?
935
00:49:57,060 --> 00:50:00,210
Yeah, the big guy.
936
00:50:00,200 --> 00:50:04,170
Are you sure
you're her boyfriend?
937
00:50:04,160 --> 00:50:07,140
I mean, she knows
that you're her boyfriend,
938
00:50:07,180 --> 00:50:09,090
and everything, right?
939
00:50:29,100 --> 00:50:31,180
So how long have you
been married?
940
00:50:33,000 --> 00:50:34,070
Seven years.
941
00:50:34,060 --> 00:50:36,120
Must be nice to have
that kind of security.
942
00:50:36,110 --> 00:50:40,080
I'm the poster boy
for happily married.
943
00:50:40,070 --> 00:50:43,030
But security, that's
a rare thing these days,
944
00:50:43,070 --> 00:50:44,210
especially in marriage.
945
00:50:44,200 --> 00:50:46,110
That's a somber outlook
for the happily married
946
00:50:46,150 --> 00:50:47,020
poster boy.
947
00:50:47,010 --> 00:50:49,020
Fifty percent divorce rate
in this country.
948
00:50:49,010 --> 00:50:52,210
The only security you have
in this world is yourself.
949
00:50:52,200 --> 00:50:54,190
The point I'm making
is your talent
950
00:50:54,230 --> 00:50:55,230
is yours alone.
951
00:50:55,220 --> 00:50:59,150
And you do have talent.
Your designs are amazing.
952
00:50:59,140 --> 00:51:01,230
Only you can decide
what you want to do
953
00:51:02,040 --> 00:51:03,080
with that talent.
954
00:51:05,210 --> 00:51:09,030
-I just wish it were simpler.
-Simpler?
955
00:51:09,020 --> 00:51:10,150
I'm offering you
a job in New York,
956
00:51:10,190 --> 00:51:12,020
doing what you love doing.
957
00:51:12,010 --> 00:51:15,040
I know, and it's
a dream come true.
958
00:51:15,030 --> 00:51:18,070
Dreams don't come true
very often.
959
00:51:20,190 --> 00:51:23,110
Maybe it's not supposed
to be simple.
960
00:51:29,120 --> 00:51:32,060
[PHONE RINGING]
961
00:51:32,230 --> 00:51:35,150
[RINGS]
962
00:51:35,140 --> 00:51:37,140
MIKE [ON ANSWERING MACHINE]:
Bellissimo.
963
00:51:37,130 --> 00:51:41,060
-Magnifico.
-[MACHINE BEEPS]
964
00:51:41,050 --> 00:51:43,060
DAVID: Hey, Mike, it's me.
Where you been, man?
965
00:51:43,050 --> 00:51:46,110
I haven't heard from you
since you met your true love.
966
00:51:46,100 --> 00:51:49,130
I really gotta talk to you,
so just pick up the phone and
967
00:51:49,170 --> 00:51:51,130
give me a call between orgasms.
968
00:52:06,220 --> 00:52:09,200
[GASPS, PANTING]
969
00:52:09,200 --> 00:52:12,020
[DISGUSTED SPUTTERING]
970
00:52:29,120 --> 00:52:32,130
MALE ANNOUNCER: From the makers
of the hit videos Are You Gay?
971
00:52:32,120 --> 00:52:34,130
and So You Think You're Gay,
972
00:52:34,120 --> 00:52:39,080
United Homosexual Headquarters
presents Just How Gay Are You?
973
00:52:46,010 --> 00:52:48,220
Oh, hello!
I'm Tim Chadway,
974
00:52:48,210 --> 00:52:52,050
president of United
Homosexual Headquarters.
975
00:52:52,040 --> 00:52:54,120
My buddies call me Timbo.
976
00:52:54,120 --> 00:52:56,210
Like millions of Americans,
you're probably wondering,
977
00:52:57,010 --> 00:52:58,030
just how gay are you?
978
00:52:58,020 --> 00:53:00,140
Well, that's
an important question.
979
00:53:00,140 --> 00:53:04,000
But come on. The answer's
pretty obvious, isn't it?
980
00:53:04,200 --> 00:53:07,000
Face it, chief.
981
00:53:06,230 --> 00:53:10,100
If you're watching me now,
you are pretty damn gay.
982
00:53:10,090 --> 00:53:12,140
But that's okay,
983
00:53:12,130 --> 00:53:15,100
because, you see,
here at the headquarters,
984
00:53:15,090 --> 00:53:18,100
we specialize in making
your journey out of the closet
985
00:53:18,140 --> 00:53:19,220
as smooth as possible.
986
00:53:19,210 --> 00:53:22,170
From our handy
gay pride starter kit
987
00:53:22,160 --> 00:53:25,140
to those convenient
"I'm here, I'm queer.
988
00:53:25,130 --> 00:53:29,070
Stop by sometime for a beer"
change of sexual orientation
989
00:53:29,110 --> 00:53:30,060
postcards,
990
00:53:30,050 --> 00:53:33,010
you'll be out and about
in no time.
991
00:53:33,000 --> 00:53:35,140
Your family and friends will
admire you for your ability
992
00:53:35,140 --> 00:53:38,200
to make that transition
with style and flair.
993
00:53:50,000 --> 00:53:52,040
I still
can't believe it.
994
00:53:52,030 --> 00:53:53,140
Why don't you just call her?
You don't even know for sure
995
00:53:53,180 --> 00:53:54,050
what's going on.
996
00:53:55,040 --> 00:53:57,170
No, she wants to talk,
she can give me a call.
997
00:53:57,160 --> 00:53:59,190
I'm done sitting around
like a sucker.
998
00:53:59,180 --> 00:54:00,190
-You gotta stop being
so hard on yourself.
999
00:54:01,000 --> 00:54:01,160
-MAN: Hey, brown sugar.
1000
00:54:01,150 --> 00:54:03,020
No, Mike was right.
If I'm gonna make
1001
00:54:03,060 --> 00:54:04,050
an informed decision,
1002
00:54:04,040 --> 00:54:07,060
it's time I started
getting busy.
1003
00:54:07,050 --> 00:54:09,170
Hey, wait a minute.
What's this bar that Mike
1004
00:54:09,210 --> 00:54:11,080
wants us to meet him at?
1005
00:54:13,130 --> 00:54:15,190
"The Cock Pit."
1006
00:54:15,180 --> 00:54:18,000
Whoa, you might wanna
wait till tomorrow night
1007
00:54:18,040 --> 00:54:19,100
to start gettin' busy.
1008
00:54:19,090 --> 00:54:21,060
Why's that?
1009
00:54:23,020 --> 00:54:25,190
'Cause tonight we're drinkin'
in Boys' Town.
1010
00:54:25,180 --> 00:54:28,230
A lot of guys claim they
practically knew it in the womb.
1011
00:54:28,220 --> 00:54:30,160
Something was wrong,
they felt different than
1012
00:54:30,200 --> 00:54:31,190
all the other fetuses.
1013
00:54:31,180 --> 00:54:35,090
-Blah, blah, blah.
-So how did you figure it out?
1014
00:54:35,080 --> 00:54:38,020
Well, after a string
of girlfriends,
1015
00:54:38,010 --> 00:54:40,100
a couple of ex-wives
and a Great Dane or two,
1016
00:54:40,100 --> 00:54:43,050
I started thinking,
"Hey, maybe it's me."
1017
00:54:44,140 --> 00:54:46,000
Was that difficult for you?
1018
00:54:45,230 --> 00:54:48,170
Oh, sure. Most terrifying thing
that you can do
1019
00:54:48,170 --> 00:54:51,110
is look inside yourself
carefully, honestly.
1020
00:54:51,100 --> 00:54:53,090
But you have to do it,
Michael.
1021
00:54:53,080 --> 00:54:55,200
And when I did,
it was a feeling
1022
00:54:56,000 --> 00:54:57,120
that just hit me.
1023
00:54:57,110 --> 00:55:01,030
Blinding realization,
like a pure truth.
1024
00:55:01,020 --> 00:55:03,020
JONESY: Hey, Mike, what's up?
1025
00:55:03,010 --> 00:55:05,200
Guys, hey!
Uh, sit down.
1026
00:55:07,130 --> 00:55:09,220
-Are you aware that this is a--
-MIKE: A gay bar?
1027
00:55:09,210 --> 00:55:12,200
Jones, it's okay to say it,
and, yes, I know.
1028
00:55:12,190 --> 00:55:14,230
But I like it...
1029
00:55:14,220 --> 00:55:16,090
I think.
1030
00:55:17,040 --> 00:55:18,230
I'm trying to anyway.
1031
00:55:18,220 --> 00:55:20,180
Stanley, a beer for my friends.
1032
00:55:23,100 --> 00:55:26,140
-DAVID: I get it. I get it.
-You do?
1033
00:55:26,130 --> 00:55:28,110
He's trying to go
the distance with that chick
1034
00:55:28,150 --> 00:55:29,160
he met at after hours.
1035
00:55:29,150 --> 00:55:30,120
Right.
Avoiding places
1036
00:55:30,160 --> 00:55:33,070
that tempt you to stray off
the gilded path of monogamy.
1037
00:55:33,060 --> 00:55:36,220
I can't wait to meet this girl.
She must really be something.
1038
00:55:36,210 --> 00:55:38,210
She didn't, uh...
1039
00:55:40,130 --> 00:55:42,170
turn out to be the person
I thought she was.
1040
00:55:44,160 --> 00:55:47,120
-I'm sorry, man.
-DAVID: I'm sorry.
1041
00:55:47,110 --> 00:55:49,070
She sounded... different.
1042
00:55:49,060 --> 00:55:52,220
[CHOKES]
Let's just drop it, okay?
1043
00:55:52,210 --> 00:55:55,100
So, what's up
with this bar?
1044
00:55:55,100 --> 00:55:58,170
I mean, this isn't really
our kind of place.
1045
00:55:59,170 --> 00:56:01,230
What do you mean?
Huh?
1046
00:56:01,230 --> 00:56:04,100
It's got beer.
It's got bar stools.
1047
00:56:04,090 --> 00:56:08,040
-What more do you need, Jonesy?
-How 'bout women?
1048
00:56:08,030 --> 00:56:10,190
I'm shocked.
I never would have pegged
1049
00:56:10,230 --> 00:56:12,150
you two as homophobes.
1050
00:56:12,140 --> 00:56:15,140
What the hell do you guys have
against gay people anyway?
1051
00:56:15,130 --> 00:56:17,040
-DAVID: Hey, hey, hey.
-Shh.
1052
00:56:17,040 --> 00:56:19,040
DAVID: We've got nothing
against gay people.
1053
00:56:19,040 --> 00:56:21,120
-Some of my best friends'
friends are gay.
1054
00:56:21,160 --> 00:56:22,140
-That's right.
1055
00:56:23,130 --> 00:56:25,140
I--
1056
00:56:35,050 --> 00:56:37,120
Holy shit!
1057
00:56:37,110 --> 00:56:40,010
-What's that?
-The Mikey Chronicles, man.
1058
00:56:40,000 --> 00:56:41,090
The sacred scam scrolls.
[CHUCKLING]
1059
00:56:42,080 --> 00:56:44,100
-This is a black book?
-I want you to have it, David.
1060
00:56:44,140 --> 00:56:45,150
I don't need it anymore.
1061
00:56:45,140 --> 00:56:48,120
Look at all these numbers.
What are these little
1062
00:56:48,160 --> 00:56:49,160
black diamonds?
1063
00:56:49,150 --> 00:56:51,230
Stick to the blue squares.
I'd hate to see you get hurt.
1064
00:56:51,220 --> 00:56:53,200
JONESY: This is bigger
than I thought.
1065
00:56:53,190 --> 00:56:55,200
That chick must have
really snuck up from behind
1066
00:56:56,000 --> 00:56:56,220
and nailed you.
Wow.
1067
00:57:11,210 --> 00:57:13,090
-David?
-You must be Nikki.
1068
00:57:13,130 --> 00:57:15,030
I hope I'm not too early.
1069
00:57:15,020 --> 00:57:17,050
-So you're a friend of Mike's?
-Yeah.
1070
00:57:17,040 --> 00:57:19,010
[GUN COCKS]
1071
00:57:21,080 --> 00:57:25,090
-Mike owes me $200.
-Is cash okay?
1072
00:57:35,130 --> 00:57:36,180
[LOW VOICE] Hi.
1073
00:57:38,040 --> 00:57:41,200
Come on in.
1074
00:57:41,190 --> 00:57:43,030
Aaah!
1075
00:58:11,200 --> 00:58:13,040
[DOORBELL RINGS]
1076
00:58:15,040 --> 00:58:18,170
David, what are you
doing here?
1077
00:58:22,060 --> 00:58:24,230
If you're this upset,
then why has it taken you
1078
00:58:25,030 --> 00:58:26,190
two weeks to call me back?
1079
00:58:26,180 --> 00:58:29,140
I've been... busy.
Never mind that.
1080
00:58:29,180 --> 00:58:31,060
Who is this guy?
1081
00:58:31,050 --> 00:58:33,210
He's my boss,
and all he did was offer me
1082
00:58:34,010 --> 00:58:35,040
a new position.
1083
00:58:35,030 --> 00:58:36,180
What's the matter?
Our old positions aren't
1084
00:58:36,220 --> 00:58:38,030
good enough for you anymore?
1085
00:58:38,020 --> 00:58:40,070
As a designer.
1086
00:58:40,060 --> 00:58:41,130
Look, he wants an answer,
but I told him that I
1087
00:58:41,170 --> 00:58:42,120
had to talk to you first.
1088
00:58:43,110 --> 00:58:45,230
This is about more
than a job offer.
1089
00:58:45,220 --> 00:58:47,200
You keep encouraging me
to meet other women.
1090
00:58:48,000 --> 00:58:49,160
That's
got nothing to do with this?
1091
00:58:49,150 --> 00:58:52,080
I can't make a decision
until I know all the variables,
1092
00:58:52,070 --> 00:58:54,100
one of which is still
in your hands.
1093
00:58:54,090 --> 00:58:57,030
Great. So now
I'm just a variable?
1094
00:58:57,020 --> 00:58:59,030
Ohh!
1095
00:58:59,020 --> 00:59:02,200
This has just...
gotten more complicated.
1096
00:59:04,070 --> 00:59:05,230
Why don't you
just admit it?
1097
00:59:06,030 --> 00:59:07,100
You love it there.
1098
00:59:07,090 --> 00:59:09,150
You don't want to say no
to this offer, and I'm not
1099
00:59:09,190 --> 00:59:11,010
gonna be a reason you do.
1100
00:59:11,010 --> 00:59:15,000
Look, if you have already
made up your mind,
1101
00:59:15,040 --> 00:59:16,090
then say so.
1102
00:59:16,090 --> 00:59:19,060
But don't try to hide
behind some noble gesture
1103
00:59:19,100 --> 00:59:21,000
of not holding me back.
1104
00:59:20,230 --> 00:59:23,050
Okay, why don't we
be fair here?
1105
00:59:23,040 --> 00:59:25,040
Things have changed, Sarah.
This is no longer
1106
00:59:25,080 --> 00:59:26,050
just my decision.
1107
00:59:26,050 --> 00:59:27,210
You're right.
It isn't.
1108
00:59:28,010 --> 00:59:31,020
And that's why I'm
coming home early.
1109
00:59:31,020 --> 00:59:32,040
-What?
-They're paying for me
1110
00:59:32,080 --> 00:59:33,140
to come home and talk to you.
1111
00:59:33,130 --> 00:59:35,150
They really want me, David,
1112
00:59:35,140 --> 00:59:38,200
possibly more than you do.
1113
00:59:47,040 --> 00:59:49,030
Oh, shit!
1114
00:59:59,210 --> 01:00:01,220
JONESY: Hey!
1115
01:00:06,070 --> 01:00:08,070
What's up, man?
De-bachelorizing
1116
01:00:08,110 --> 01:00:09,210
for the little lady?
1117
01:00:09,200 --> 01:00:11,060
She gets back today.
What's up?
1118
01:00:11,100 --> 01:00:12,200
You didn't
get me a coffee?
1119
01:00:12,200 --> 01:00:14,170
I didn't know how you
took it, but I grabbed
1120
01:00:14,210 --> 01:00:16,000
your mail on the way in.
1121
01:00:15,230 --> 01:00:18,080
-Thanks.
-So what's the verdict?
1122
01:00:18,070 --> 01:00:20,010
Do I get to comb
the thrift stores for
1123
01:00:20,050 --> 01:00:21,110
a new used suit or what?
1124
01:00:21,100 --> 01:00:24,080
Not yet. I'm just
as confused as ever.
1125
01:00:39,040 --> 01:00:41,090
What?
1126
01:00:41,080 --> 01:00:43,090
You all right?
1127
01:00:44,160 --> 01:00:47,080
-Just lock up when you leave.
-What?
1128
01:00:55,130 --> 01:00:58,090
Hey! I wasn't sure
if you'd be here.
1129
01:00:58,080 --> 01:01:00,220
Well, I'm here.
Where else would I be?
1130
01:01:02,040 --> 01:01:05,010
-Whoa. What's this?
-I'm going to New York.
1131
01:01:07,120 --> 01:01:09,150
What?
1132
01:01:12,050 --> 01:01:14,160
-What?
-There's somebody I gotta see.
1133
01:01:14,150 --> 01:01:16,150
-What are you talking about?
-Options, remember?
1134
01:01:16,190 --> 01:01:17,110
Just in case.
1135
01:01:17,100 --> 01:01:19,090
Options?
You're out of options.
1136
01:01:19,090 --> 01:01:20,220
Me staying here
or going back--
1137
01:01:21,020 --> 01:01:22,110
these are your options.
1138
01:01:22,100 --> 01:01:25,020
-Sarah.
-What? No, listen.
1139
01:01:25,010 --> 01:01:27,100
Listen to me carefully.
I flew back here
1140
01:01:27,140 --> 01:01:28,140
for one reason,
1141
01:01:28,130 --> 01:01:31,080
and that was to give you
a chance to talk me out
1142
01:01:31,120 --> 01:01:32,170
of taking this job.
1143
01:01:32,160 --> 01:01:35,070
I can't do that
until I do this.
1144
01:01:37,050 --> 01:01:39,150
Well, I won't be here
when you get back.
1145
01:01:39,140 --> 01:01:43,140
I swear to God, I won't.
This is it, David.
1146
01:01:45,130 --> 01:01:47,140
I know.
1147
01:01:49,000 --> 01:01:50,210
Excuse me.
1148
01:01:59,180 --> 01:02:02,220
DAVID: There are times in life
when you have to make
1149
01:02:03,020 --> 01:02:04,070
difficult choices.
1150
01:02:04,060 --> 01:02:06,070
And there are times
when it seems like you
1151
01:02:06,110 --> 01:02:07,230
don't have a choice at all,
1152
01:02:07,220 --> 01:02:10,210
like those rare moments
when your only option
1153
01:02:10,200 --> 01:02:13,130
practically shows up
in your mailbox.
1154
01:02:21,060 --> 01:02:24,060
-Hey, David!
-Keep the change. Tyler!
1155
01:02:24,060 --> 01:02:27,180
[LAUGHING] Oh, man,
I'm psyched you're here!
1156
01:02:27,170 --> 01:02:30,080
-You look great.
-It really means a lot to me.
1157
01:02:30,070 --> 01:02:31,210
-What the hell
are you doing here?
1158
01:02:32,010 --> 01:02:33,050
-I know.
It's sudden.
1159
01:02:33,040 --> 01:02:36,010
I, uh, I just wanted
to see you, you know?
1160
01:02:36,000 --> 01:02:38,080
Things are gonna start
getting crazy for you
1161
01:02:38,130 --> 01:02:39,110
and--and Julie.
1162
01:02:39,100 --> 01:02:41,150
And, uh,
I wanted to see you,
1163
01:02:41,190 --> 01:02:42,210
both of you.
1164
01:02:42,200 --> 01:02:45,090
-I--I talked to Sarah.
-Yeah, yeah.
1165
01:02:45,080 --> 01:02:47,170
She said that you guys met up
when she was in town.
1166
01:02:47,210 --> 01:02:48,130
She had fun.
1167
01:02:48,120 --> 01:02:51,100
No, no. I talked to her
about three hours ago.
1168
01:02:51,090 --> 01:02:54,110
She called while you were
in the air, from L.A.
1169
01:02:54,100 --> 01:02:57,060
Uh, she's freakin' out.
1170
01:02:57,050 --> 01:02:59,090
Everything's fine.
1171
01:02:59,080 --> 01:03:00,230
Listen, I-I know what
you're going through.
1172
01:03:01,030 --> 01:03:01,220
It's a scary leap.
1173
01:03:01,210 --> 01:03:04,180
The trick is you gotta
let go of your fears
1174
01:03:04,220 --> 01:03:06,130
and kind of go for it.
1175
01:03:07,120 --> 01:03:09,210
Believe me.
1176
01:03:09,200 --> 01:03:12,030
The worst thing you can do
is lose the right girl because
1177
01:03:12,080 --> 01:03:13,090
of a fear of commitment.
1178
01:03:13,080 --> 01:03:16,070
Actually, the worst thing you
can do is marry the wrong girl
1179
01:03:16,110 --> 01:03:18,050
because of a fear of loneliness.
1180
01:03:21,120 --> 01:03:23,090
TYLER: I can't wait
for you to meet her.
1181
01:03:23,130 --> 01:03:24,210
I told her all about you.
1182
01:03:24,200 --> 01:03:26,090
-You have?
-Yeah, I told her
1183
01:03:26,130 --> 01:03:27,180
about all you guys.
1184
01:03:27,170 --> 01:03:29,050
-I had to warn her.
-Even my name?
1185
01:03:29,090 --> 01:03:30,190
You didn't mention my name.
1186
01:03:31,180 --> 01:03:34,170
No, of course
not your name.
1187
01:03:34,170 --> 01:03:37,060
We refer to you all
by your general nature,
1188
01:03:37,100 --> 01:03:38,130
like the Indians.
1189
01:03:38,120 --> 01:03:40,190
Mike's: "Fucks Whatever Moves".
You're: "Dances Around
1190
01:03:40,230 --> 01:03:42,000
Major Life Decisions".
1191
01:03:41,230 --> 01:03:43,070
-What did she say when you
mentioned my name?
1192
01:03:43,110 --> 01:03:44,070
-What is wrong with you?
1193
01:03:44,060 --> 01:03:47,010
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
1194
01:03:47,000 --> 01:03:49,110
What would she say--
Oh, there she is.
1195
01:04:10,170 --> 01:04:13,190
-TYLER: Hey!
-Hi.
1196
01:04:13,180 --> 01:04:15,140
-This is David.
David, this is Julie.
1197
01:04:15,180 --> 01:04:16,050
-David!
1198
01:04:16,050 --> 01:04:19,190
So nice to finally meet you.
Feel like I already know you.
1199
01:04:19,180 --> 01:04:22,160
-I feel the same way.
-Isn't she beautiful?
1200
01:04:22,150 --> 01:04:25,090
You look like I did first
time I laid eyes on her.
1201
01:04:25,130 --> 01:04:26,230
I just knew right away.
1202
01:04:26,220 --> 01:04:29,100
-It hit me like a blinding
realization, like--
1203
01:04:29,140 --> 01:04:30,180
-JULIE: Pure truth.
1204
01:04:30,180 --> 01:04:33,230
Yeah, yeah.
Was he always this sappy?
1205
01:04:33,220 --> 01:04:35,230
-Just since I met you, baby.
-Aw.
1206
01:04:35,230 --> 01:04:38,090
-Will you order me a drink?
-TYLER: Yeah.
1207
01:04:38,080 --> 01:04:40,070
I'm gonna go
to the ladies' room.
1208
01:04:40,110 --> 01:04:41,050
Excuse me.
1209
01:04:47,170 --> 01:04:48,230
Now you know, buddy.
1210
01:04:50,010 --> 01:04:52,090
Now you understand.
1211
01:05:30,060 --> 01:05:31,220
That's it.
This guy Jeff,
1212
01:05:32,020 --> 01:05:33,190
works at Tyler's firm,
1213
01:05:33,180 --> 01:05:36,010
knew my roommate,
and they hooked us up.
1214
01:05:36,000 --> 01:05:37,040
End of story.
1215
01:05:38,100 --> 01:05:42,070
That's, uh--
Wow, what a story.
1216
01:05:42,060 --> 01:05:43,190
-Yeah.
-The important thing
1217
01:05:43,230 --> 01:05:46,010
is you ended up together, right?
1218
01:05:46,000 --> 01:05:47,210
Yeah.
1219
01:05:47,200 --> 01:05:49,030
I mean, think of all
the different people
1220
01:05:49,070 --> 01:05:50,050
you've met in your lives,
1221
01:05:50,040 --> 01:05:52,100
all the paths taken,
not taken.
1222
01:05:52,090 --> 01:05:54,180
You could probably
trace back to your
1223
01:05:54,220 --> 01:05:56,190
very first romantic memory,
1224
01:05:56,180 --> 01:05:58,210
if you tried.
1225
01:05:58,200 --> 01:06:01,190
Oh, yeah.
Fifth grade drama class.
1226
01:06:01,180 --> 01:06:04,160
Miss Liska had us lie
on the ground and pretend
1227
01:06:04,200 --> 01:06:06,030
we were driftwood.
1228
01:06:06,030 --> 01:06:09,020
And then as she
walked around the "beach,"
1229
01:06:09,010 --> 01:06:11,200
-she would step over us--
-JULIE: We get it.
1230
01:06:11,190 --> 01:06:14,220
-That's nice, sweetie.
-[CHUCKLES]
1231
01:06:14,210 --> 01:06:17,070
What about you, Julie?
1232
01:06:20,060 --> 01:06:23,120
What? Oh, no.
1233
01:06:23,110 --> 01:06:25,090
-The airport guy?
-The airport guy?
1234
01:06:25,130 --> 01:06:26,130
What about the--
1235
01:06:26,120 --> 01:06:28,190
Airport guy?
Um, tell me about
1236
01:06:28,230 --> 01:06:30,100
this airport guy.
1237
01:06:31,130 --> 01:06:34,180
It's okay, honey.
He's a friend.
1238
01:06:38,050 --> 01:06:40,120
[SIGHS]
Okay.
1239
01:06:42,190 --> 01:06:46,130
I was traveling
with my family once.
1240
01:06:46,120 --> 01:06:48,110
We were in an airport.
1241
01:06:48,100 --> 01:06:51,110
This guy came up to me
from out of nowhere
1242
01:06:55,170 --> 01:06:58,000
and started saying all
these strange things to me
1243
01:06:58,230 --> 01:07:01,180
about how he felt something
when he saw me,
1244
01:07:01,170 --> 01:07:04,050
and he wondered
if I felt it too.
1245
01:07:04,040 --> 01:07:07,060
I didn't know what to say, so I
just kind of smiled at him.
1246
01:07:07,050 --> 01:07:09,170
He gave me his address and
asked, if I felt the same way,
1247
01:07:09,210 --> 01:07:11,010
that I should write him.
1248
01:07:11,000 --> 01:07:13,150
As he walked away,
I had this frozen grin
1249
01:07:13,190 --> 01:07:14,140
on my face.
1250
01:07:14,130 --> 01:07:17,160
I didn't want to
agitate him or anything.
1251
01:07:17,150 --> 01:07:20,060
I was terrified
that he was gonna hurt me.
1252
01:07:20,050 --> 01:07:23,060
TYLER: Can you believe that?
How old were you, honey?
1253
01:07:23,050 --> 01:07:25,110
-JULIE: Eleven.
-TYLER: Eleven years old.
1254
01:07:25,100 --> 01:07:27,100
-If that son of a bitch
were here right now--
1255
01:07:27,140 --> 01:07:28,140
-But you wrote him!
1256
01:07:29,220 --> 01:07:32,230
I-I mean, um...
1257
01:07:32,220 --> 01:07:35,020
Did you ever write him?
1258
01:07:35,010 --> 01:07:38,110
No. I mean,
of course not.
1259
01:07:42,060 --> 01:07:44,130
Honey, do you want me
to finish the story
1260
01:07:44,170 --> 01:07:45,060
for you?
1261
01:07:45,050 --> 01:07:47,120
-There's more?
-TYLER: Yeah.
1262
01:07:47,120 --> 01:07:50,060
No, it's okay.
I can do this.
1263
01:07:51,120 --> 01:07:53,170
So as soon
as the guy was gone,
1264
01:07:53,160 --> 01:07:55,180
I threw the address away.
1265
01:07:55,170 --> 01:07:58,090
But what I didn't know
at the time
1266
01:07:58,080 --> 01:08:01,140
was that my little sister
Katie, who was two years
1267
01:08:01,180 --> 01:08:02,220
younger than me,
1268
01:08:02,210 --> 01:08:05,000
she saw everything.
1269
01:08:08,130 --> 01:08:11,080
I mean, she wanted
to be like me.
1270
01:08:11,070 --> 01:08:13,080
She worshipped me.
1271
01:08:13,070 --> 01:08:16,130
And she started writing
this creep as me.
1272
01:08:16,120 --> 01:08:19,160
I mean, she even
sent him my picture.
1273
01:08:19,160 --> 01:08:21,130
Then, of course,
when he wrote back,
1274
01:08:21,170 --> 01:08:22,070
you know,
1275
01:08:22,060 --> 01:08:24,020
weird stuff
about how he wanted
1276
01:08:24,060 --> 01:08:25,140
to run away with her
1277
01:08:25,130 --> 01:08:28,080
-and make babies--
-TYLER: Can you imagine that?
1278
01:08:28,070 --> 01:08:30,030
Make babies?
And this is before
1279
01:08:30,070 --> 01:08:31,050
the Internet.
1280
01:08:31,040 --> 01:08:32,150
What a sicko.
I'm sorry, honey.
1281
01:08:32,190 --> 01:08:33,190
Are you all right?
1282
01:08:33,180 --> 01:08:37,000
But, uh, uh--
1283
01:08:36,230 --> 01:08:39,140
Did you ever find out
who this guy was?
1284
01:08:39,130 --> 01:08:42,070
-My parents did.
-[QUIET GASP]
1285
01:08:42,060 --> 01:08:44,050
Sort of.
1286
01:08:44,040 --> 01:08:46,040
They overheard Katie
bragging to me
1287
01:08:46,080 --> 01:08:47,160
about her boyfriend,
1288
01:08:47,150 --> 01:08:49,230
and she had mentioned it
before,
1289
01:08:49,220 --> 01:08:52,050
so we just assumed it was
this imaginary play friend
1290
01:08:52,090 --> 01:08:53,010
or something.
1291
01:08:53,000 --> 01:08:55,180
But when she started telling me
about how he had promised
1292
01:08:55,220 --> 01:08:57,000
to run away with her
1293
01:08:56,230 --> 01:08:59,000
and make love to her,
1294
01:08:58,230 --> 01:09:01,090
-I mean, they stepped in.
-Under the stars.
1295
01:09:01,080 --> 01:09:04,090
I mean,
she was only nine.
1296
01:09:04,080 --> 01:09:06,190
-[GASPS]
-So my dad called
1297
01:09:06,230 --> 01:09:08,170
the authorities.
1298
01:09:08,160 --> 01:09:10,030
You know, gave them
the guy's address.
1299
01:09:11,020 --> 01:09:13,010
As was his style,
told us to forget
1300
01:09:13,050 --> 01:09:14,050
the whole thing.
1301
01:09:15,170 --> 01:09:18,040
It wasn't
until years later
1302
01:09:18,030 --> 01:09:22,040
that I realized the guy
thought he was writing me.
1303
01:09:22,030 --> 01:09:23,210
And I pieced it together
and remembered
1304
01:09:24,010 --> 01:09:25,020
the airport incident,
1305
01:09:25,010 --> 01:09:27,060
but I never told anyone.
1306
01:09:31,190 --> 01:09:34,000
I have to go.
1307
01:09:35,060 --> 01:09:37,070
-Are you all right?
-TYLER: Hey.
1308
01:09:37,060 --> 01:09:40,000
-Where are you going?
-I have to, uh--
1309
01:09:39,230 --> 01:09:42,090
Thank you for the, uh, uh--
1310
01:09:42,090 --> 01:09:45,060
Congratulations with--
1311
01:09:45,050 --> 01:09:47,020
Good-bye.
1312
01:09:52,200 --> 01:09:54,230
DAVID: I'd seen the light.
1313
01:09:54,220 --> 01:09:58,070
It was this glaringly obvious,
blind realization,
1314
01:09:58,060 --> 01:10:00,120
like pure truth.
1315
01:10:00,110 --> 01:10:02,050
It wasn't about
anyone in particular,
1316
01:10:02,090 --> 01:10:03,200
but about people in general.
1317
01:10:05,100 --> 01:10:07,130
I realized at that moment,
1318
01:10:07,120 --> 01:10:10,060
there is no such thing
as "the one."
1319
01:10:10,060 --> 01:10:12,050
It's more of a mind-boggling,
whole-hell-of-a-lot
1320
01:10:12,090 --> 01:10:13,050
of-potential ones.
1321
01:10:14,040 --> 01:10:16,170
While that should
be comforting,
1322
01:10:16,160 --> 01:10:19,220
it was actually
pretty terrifying.
1323
01:10:19,210 --> 01:10:22,100
We'd all like to kick back and
wait for some magical force
1324
01:10:22,090 --> 01:10:25,180
to show us who we should spend
the rest of our lives with.
1325
01:10:25,170 --> 01:10:28,010
But the truth is,
there isn't a lightning bolt
1326
01:10:28,050 --> 01:10:29,150
that slaps you on the ass
1327
01:10:29,140 --> 01:10:31,050
and tells you
to pick this person
1328
01:10:31,090 --> 01:10:32,070
over all others.
1329
01:10:32,060 --> 01:10:35,040
If anything,
it's like the rain.
1330
01:10:36,090 --> 01:10:38,190
Rain falls all the time.
1331
01:10:38,180 --> 01:10:40,010
Sometimes you're
prepared for it,
1332
01:10:40,050 --> 01:10:41,040
sometimes you're not.
1333
01:10:41,030 --> 01:10:44,000
Depending where you are
when it hits, you either
1334
01:10:44,040 --> 01:10:46,020
get caught in it or you don't.
1335
01:10:46,010 --> 01:10:50,020
In fact, most of us usually
try like hell to avoid it.
1336
01:10:51,010 --> 01:10:52,110
You might miss the bus,
1337
01:10:52,100 --> 01:10:54,100
you might catch the bus.
1338
01:10:54,090 --> 01:10:56,040
Maybe you remembered
your umbrella,
1339
01:10:56,080 --> 01:10:57,090
maybe you didn't.
1340
01:10:57,080 --> 01:11:00,090
No big signs.
Just random torrential bursts
1341
01:11:00,130 --> 01:11:01,180
of opportunity.
1342
01:11:03,020 --> 01:11:05,100
And that's the most
fate can do.
1343
01:11:05,090 --> 01:11:07,220
The rest is up to us.
1344
01:11:07,220 --> 01:11:11,190
And now, by the power
vested in me,
1345
01:11:11,180 --> 01:11:15,120
I now pronounce you
husband and wife.
1346
01:11:15,110 --> 01:11:17,070
You may kiss the bride.
1347
01:11:20,170 --> 01:11:24,180
[APPLAUSE]
1348
01:12:00,010 --> 01:12:03,180
DAVID: So the eternal bachelor
was the first one to go.
1349
01:12:03,170 --> 01:12:07,040
Yeah, I don't think
I'll ever understand men.
1350
01:12:08,120 --> 01:12:11,050
-You look amazing.
-Thanks.
1351
01:12:12,120 --> 01:12:15,130
I'm very happy for you.
I mean it.
1352
01:12:15,120 --> 01:12:17,160
Thanks.
1353
01:12:17,150 --> 01:12:20,090
I had a tough time
for those first few months.
1354
01:12:20,080 --> 01:12:22,130
It was really hard,
but--
1355
01:12:22,120 --> 01:12:24,200
Then I had to take Nicole
to the emergency room to get
1356
01:12:25,000 --> 01:12:26,060
her stomach pumped again.
1357
01:12:26,050 --> 01:12:28,050
And there he was.
1358
01:12:28,040 --> 01:12:31,090
Our eyes just met,
and it was like
1359
01:12:31,080 --> 01:12:34,160
-this indescribable feeling,
like--
1360
01:12:34,200 --> 01:12:35,230
-I get it.
1361
01:12:35,230 --> 01:12:38,150
Not that happy yet.
1362
01:12:42,170 --> 01:12:44,030
It's terrific
you found someone
1363
01:12:44,070 --> 01:12:45,050
who deserves you,
1364
01:12:47,000 --> 01:12:49,080
but I'd be lying
if I said I didn't
1365
01:12:49,120 --> 01:12:51,000
miss our friendship.
1366
01:12:57,160 --> 01:13:01,130
[SALSA MUSIC]
1367
01:13:21,220 --> 01:13:24,040
I think it's time
to stir things up
1368
01:13:24,080 --> 01:13:25,170
on the dance floor.
1369
01:13:25,160 --> 01:13:27,200
-Join me?
-I think I'll pass.
1370
01:13:27,190 --> 01:13:29,150
I didn't bring
any singles with me.
1371
01:13:30,060 --> 01:13:31,220
Joke. Joke.
1372
01:13:31,220 --> 01:13:34,170
Please remember there
are impressionable children
1373
01:13:34,210 --> 01:13:35,120
out there.
1374
01:13:35,110 --> 01:13:37,170
-Let's keep it PG-13.
-No problem.
1375
01:13:37,160 --> 01:13:39,190
Hand me that dildo,
will you?
1376
01:13:43,100 --> 01:13:45,100
-Hey, Amy.
-Yeah.
1377
01:13:45,090 --> 01:13:46,210
-I haven't seen her
since college.
1378
01:13:47,010 --> 01:13:48,010
-Yeah, she's great.
1379
01:13:48,000 --> 01:13:50,220
Uh-huh. Yeah?
You two, uh--
1380
01:13:50,210 --> 01:13:53,140
Uh, no, no.
We're just friends.
1381
01:13:53,130 --> 01:13:56,120
Oh.
1382
01:13:56,110 --> 01:13:58,200
Yeah, I saw that, uh,
goofy-looking bastard
1383
01:13:59,000 --> 01:13:59,200
Sarah's with.
1384
01:13:59,190 --> 01:14:01,210
Nah, that guy--
[SCOFFS]
1385
01:14:01,200 --> 01:14:03,180
He's, like,
missing a chromosome
1386
01:14:03,220 --> 01:14:04,200
or something.
1387
01:14:04,190 --> 01:14:06,210
-What a freak.
-We both know
1388
01:14:07,010 --> 01:14:08,230
he's an attractive guy.
1389
01:14:08,220 --> 01:14:11,060
But thank you
for trying.
1390
01:14:13,030 --> 01:14:15,060
Well, I bet
he's no brain surgeon.
1391
01:14:16,200 --> 01:14:18,020
Ah, shit. Really?
1392
01:14:19,220 --> 01:14:22,010
JULIE: There you are, hon.
1393
01:14:22,000 --> 01:14:24,040
Oh, hey, baby.
You remember David.
1394
01:14:24,030 --> 01:14:25,230
-You met in a restaurant
a couple of months ago.
1395
01:14:26,030 --> 01:14:26,200
-Ah, David, hi.
1396
01:14:26,190 --> 01:14:29,130
Glad you didn't have to
rush out early today.
1397
01:14:29,120 --> 01:14:31,140
It was a beautiful
ceremony.
1398
01:14:31,130 --> 01:14:32,050
Thank you.
I'm just
1399
01:14:32,090 --> 01:14:34,150
so glad my little sister
got to catch the tail end.
1400
01:14:34,140 --> 01:14:37,050
TYLER: Katie showed?
Ah, honey, that's great.
1401
01:14:37,040 --> 01:14:38,230
I didn't think
she was gonna make it.
1402
01:14:39,030 --> 01:14:39,220
What happened?
1403
01:14:39,210 --> 01:14:42,080
-Your sister's here?
-Yeah.
1404
01:14:42,070 --> 01:14:44,150
But she doesn't like weddings.
She never got over
1405
01:14:44,190 --> 01:14:45,170
that airport guy.
1406
01:14:45,160 --> 01:14:47,230
The pedophile,
the sicko.
1407
01:14:47,220 --> 01:14:50,080
-TYLER: Asshole.
-JULIE: Honey, settle down.
1408
01:14:50,070 --> 01:14:52,040
You know,
I should really
1409
01:14:52,080 --> 01:14:53,210
introduce you two.
1410
01:14:53,200 --> 01:14:55,060
-You would totally
hit it off.
1411
01:14:55,100 --> 01:14:56,190
-TYLER: What a great idea.
1412
01:14:56,180 --> 01:14:58,190
-Honey,
why don't you go get her?
1413
01:14:58,230 --> 01:15:00,170
-No, that's not necessary.
1414
01:15:00,160 --> 01:15:01,050
-No, dude.
Virgin.
1415
01:15:01,090 --> 01:15:02,210
-She's gotta be
around here somewhere.
1416
01:15:02,190 --> 01:15:05,080
-Hot.
-I think I see her. Stay here.
1417
01:15:05,070 --> 01:15:06,210
-I'll be right back.
-Hey, hey, hey.
1418
01:15:07,010 --> 01:15:08,110
What's the matter with you?
1419
01:15:08,100 --> 01:15:11,110
-You look like you did
at the restaurant when you...
1420
01:15:11,150 --> 01:15:12,140
-I have to go.
1421
01:15:12,140 --> 01:15:14,160
...bolted.
1422
01:15:33,070 --> 01:15:35,080
-WOMAN [ON PHONE]:
Lightning Taxi.
1423
01:15:35,120 --> 01:15:37,010
-Hi, I need a cab fast.
1424
01:15:37,000 --> 01:15:40,130
Ladies and gentlemen,
at this time,
1425
01:15:40,120 --> 01:15:42,130
Mike Hanson,
the best man,
1426
01:15:42,120 --> 01:15:46,060
would like to make a toast
to Julie and Tyler.
1427
01:15:46,050 --> 01:15:49,060
-Whoo!
-MAN: All right, Mike!
1428
01:15:49,050 --> 01:15:52,100
MIKE: All right, thank you.
Thank you.
1429
01:15:52,090 --> 01:15:54,110
Thank you, uh--
1430
01:15:56,210 --> 01:15:59,000
Uh, I, uh--
1431
01:15:58,230 --> 01:16:02,200
Many of you don't know me,
but, uh,
1432
01:16:02,190 --> 01:16:06,000
I had the pleasure
of being, uh,
1433
01:16:05,230 --> 01:16:08,190
Tyler's roommate in our
fraternity house at school.
1434
01:16:08,180 --> 01:16:11,160
Yeah, you were!
Phi Lamb!
1435
01:16:11,150 --> 01:16:13,170
Who's my boy, Mikey?
You're my boy!
1436
01:16:15,140 --> 01:16:17,180
And today,
1437
01:16:17,170 --> 01:16:20,090
I have the privilege
of being the best man
1438
01:16:20,130 --> 01:16:21,140
in his wedding.
1439
01:16:21,130 --> 01:16:24,020
Uh, suffice it to say,
1440
01:16:24,010 --> 01:16:27,130
I was shocked to hear
that he was getting married,
1441
01:16:27,130 --> 01:16:29,170
but, uh,
1442
01:16:29,160 --> 01:16:32,090
but over time, as I
talked to him on the phone,
1443
01:16:32,130 --> 01:16:34,000
I began to understand.
1444
01:16:33,230 --> 01:16:36,170
We used to do everything
together, man. Everything.
1445
01:16:36,160 --> 01:16:39,070
We were joined at the hip.
You know what I'm saying?
1446
01:16:39,060 --> 01:16:40,210
What these two people
were doing was
1447
01:16:41,010 --> 01:16:42,030
giving themselves in
1448
01:16:42,020 --> 01:16:46,030
to a... blinding
realization,
1449
01:16:47,080 --> 01:16:49,120
pure truth.
1450
01:16:49,110 --> 01:16:52,120
They stood before
everyone they knew
1451
01:16:52,110 --> 01:16:54,160
and confessed
their newfound selves.
1452
01:16:54,150 --> 01:16:56,190
I don't know,
but witnessing
1453
01:16:56,230 --> 01:16:58,030
such strength
1454
01:16:58,020 --> 01:17:01,050
and courage
in my friends
1455
01:17:01,040 --> 01:17:02,220
inspires me in a way
which I can barely
1456
01:17:03,020 --> 01:17:03,200
put into words.
1457
01:17:10,100 --> 01:17:12,070
You see,
while many of you
1458
01:17:12,110 --> 01:17:13,230
don't know me, uh,
1459
01:17:13,220 --> 01:17:16,140
the rest of you
only think you do.
1460
01:17:16,130 --> 01:17:18,160
The truth is,
you're about to meet Mike Hanson
1461
01:17:18,200 --> 01:17:19,200
for the first time.
1462
01:17:19,190 --> 01:17:22,130
[SIGHS]
1463
01:17:22,120 --> 01:17:25,120
My name is Mike Hanson,
1464
01:17:25,110 --> 01:17:27,110
and I'm a raging homosexual.
1465
01:17:27,100 --> 01:17:29,160
[GLASS CLATTERING]
1466
01:17:33,230 --> 01:17:35,180
Thank you.
1467
01:17:39,220 --> 01:17:42,060
I--I didn't really
know him that well.
1468
01:17:44,150 --> 01:17:47,200
And let's give it up
to the newlyweds.
1469
01:17:48,000 --> 01:17:49,090
Congrats, guys.
1470
01:17:57,020 --> 01:17:58,210
MAN: Hit it.
1471
01:17:58,200 --> 01:18:01,210
[BAND RESUMES]
1472
01:18:11,160 --> 01:18:14,190
WOMAN: Why does everybody
keep trying to set me up?
1473
01:18:14,180 --> 01:18:16,230
They're never... him.
1474
01:18:16,220 --> 01:18:19,160
Katie, please come out
and meet him.
1475
01:18:30,070 --> 01:18:32,040
You look amazing.
1476
01:18:33,150 --> 01:18:35,220
All right.
Let's go meet this guy.
1477
01:18:42,030 --> 01:18:44,180
Ladies,
there you are.
1478
01:18:44,170 --> 01:18:47,130
-Katie, I'm so glad
that you could make it.
1479
01:18:47,170 --> 01:18:48,130
-Thank you.
1480
01:18:48,120 --> 01:18:49,210
-We gotta go.
The limo's here.
1481
01:18:50,010 --> 01:18:51,050
-Have you seen David?
1482
01:18:51,040 --> 01:18:53,150
Uh, no.
1483
01:18:53,140 --> 01:18:54,190
I-I think he left
with Mike and Amy, because I
1484
01:18:54,230 --> 01:18:55,170
haven't seen them either.
1485
01:18:56,160 --> 01:18:58,230
But you know what?
We should forget about them.
1486
01:18:58,220 --> 01:19:01,230
I'm gonna meet you up front.
We really have to go.
1487
01:19:01,220 --> 01:19:05,090
-That's okay. You just go.
-No, you're coming with us.
1488
01:19:05,090 --> 01:19:06,050
No, it's your day.
Don't worry about me.
1489
01:19:06,090 --> 01:19:06,170
I'll be fine.
1490
01:19:07,160 --> 01:19:10,110
-Are you sure?
-Positive. Just go, all right?
1491
01:19:10,100 --> 01:19:12,120
-Love you.
-Love you, too.
1492
01:19:16,100 --> 01:19:19,130
So I don't mean to belittle
your big announcement,
1493
01:19:19,120 --> 01:19:21,070
but come on, Mike,
you've never even
1494
01:19:21,110 --> 01:19:22,070
worked retail.
1495
01:19:22,060 --> 01:19:24,080
Nah, it makes sense.
1496
01:19:24,080 --> 01:19:26,040
All my life I've treated women
like dirt, never lettin' them
1497
01:19:26,080 --> 01:19:26,200
get too close,
1498
01:19:26,190 --> 01:19:30,140
just usin' and cruisin'.
1499
01:19:30,130 --> 01:19:32,230
That doesn't make you
a homosexual, Mike.
1500
01:19:32,220 --> 01:19:35,120
It makes you an asshole.
1501
01:19:45,070 --> 01:19:47,170
KATIE: Excuse me.
Are you waiting for someone?
1502
01:19:47,160 --> 01:19:49,160
No, I'm not waiting.
1503
01:19:49,150 --> 01:19:51,170
Wait a minute.
That's my cab! That's my--!
1504
01:19:56,030 --> 01:19:59,120
[ENGINE STARTS]
1505
01:20:17,160 --> 01:20:19,160
These insolent swine!
1506
01:20:19,150 --> 01:20:22,140
You know, they call you,
tell you to come right away.
1507
01:20:22,180 --> 01:20:23,090
Big hurry!
1508
01:20:23,080 --> 01:20:24,190
You come,
they're not there.
1509
01:20:35,190 --> 01:20:37,140
And I feel like--
how do you say?
1510
01:20:37,180 --> 01:20:38,080
Assholes.
1511
01:20:38,070 --> 01:20:39,230
Yeah, I know the feeling.
1512
01:20:41,050 --> 01:20:44,180
You know the feeling?
You know the feeling?
1513
01:20:50,150 --> 01:20:53,010
So it was nice wedding, yes?
1514
01:20:53,220 --> 01:20:56,000
Oh, no! Not again!
1515
01:20:55,230 --> 01:20:58,170
Ohh!
1516
01:20:58,160 --> 01:21:01,070
-[GROANS]
-Oh, my God!
1517
01:21:01,070 --> 01:21:03,050
No, no, please.
1518
01:21:07,030 --> 01:21:09,030
Are you all right?
1519
01:21:24,220 --> 01:21:27,070
It's... you.
1520
01:21:29,000 --> 01:21:31,210
I've been looking
everywhere for you.
1521
01:21:35,200 --> 01:21:37,210
What took you so long?
1522
01:21:54,020 --> 01:21:57,000
I feel all tingly
inside.
1523
01:21:56,230 --> 01:22:00,020
I know. So do I.
1524
01:22:00,010 --> 01:22:02,100
No, in a scary way.
1525
01:22:04,020 --> 01:22:06,090
Oh. Uh, right.
1526
01:22:06,080 --> 01:22:08,100
We should get you
to a hospital.
1527
01:22:16,110 --> 01:22:20,000
[HORNS: FANFARE]
1528
01:22:19,230 --> 01:22:23,050
["THE WEDDING MARCH"]
1529
01:22:28,160 --> 01:22:33,090
[GASPS] What are you doing?
1530
01:22:33,080 --> 01:22:37,060
-You said you were gay.
-Yeah, and your point is?
104231
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