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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:03,036 --> 00:00:11,644 AND NOW A MESSAGE FROM THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE 2 00:00:11,644 --> 00:00:17,584 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE GOOD EVENING, GOOD EVENING. I PREFER TO REMAIN ANONYMOUS 3 00:00:17,584 --> 00:00:20,787 AND I HANDLE PUBLIC RELATIONS FOR THE NFL. SO IF ANYONE WANTS TO SWITCH 4 00:00:20,787 --> 00:00:28,695 JOBS, LET ME KNOW. NOW I'D LIKE TO BRING OUT THE COMMISSIONER TO ADDRESS THIS 5 00:00:28,695 --> 00:00:30,296 WEEK'S SCANDAL THIS IS NOT THE NFL DRAFT, BUT IT'S STILL OKAY TO BOO HIM 6 00:00:30,296 --> 00:00:34,034 ROGER GOODELL. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE [ BOOS ] 7 00:00:34,034 --> 00:00:39,439 YOU DON'T REALLY HAVE TO BOO. GOOD EVENING HI, I'M ROGER GOODELL. 8 00:00:39,439 --> 00:00:44,811 WHEN YOU SEE ME ON TV, IT'S NEVER GOOD THIS TIME, ONE OF OUR COACHES IS 9 00:00:44,811 --> 00:00:48,581 ACCUSED OF RACISM, MISOGYNY, AND HOMOPHOBIA BUT HEY, AT LEAST NO ONE'S 10 00:00:48,581 --> 00:00:56,156 TALKING ABOUT CONCUSSIONS. I THINK WE CAN ALL AGREE THE EMAILS SENT BY RAIDERS COACH 11 00:00:56,156 --> 00:01:00,460 JON GRUDEN WERE HORRIFYING AND DEEPLY OFFENSIVE, ESPECIALLY TO ME 12 00:01:00,460 --> 00:01:05,899 I WAS REFERRED TO AS THE F-WORD, THE P-WORD, THE C-WORD, THE R-WORD, THE F'ing R-WORD, THE 13 00:01:05,899 --> 00:01:11,838 F'ing R-WORD P-WORD. ONCE, WEIRDLY, I WAS CALLED A DILL 14 00:01:11,838 --> 00:01:23,450 THAT WAS KIND OF SWEET BUT I ASSURE YOU THA ALL 32 TEAMS UNDERSTAND THAT 15 00:01:23,450 --> 00:01:25,085 DIVERSITY IS OUR STRENGTH. AND I KNOW OUR BLACK COACHES WOULD AGREE, BOTH THEM 16 00:01:25,085 --> 00:01:30,190 NOW COACH GRUDEN HAS ASKED TO SAY A FEW WORDS. I SAID, BAD IDEA 17 00:01:30,190 --> 00:01:37,697 BUT HE GOT ON HIS KNEES AND BEGGED AND YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I HATE TO SEE SOMEONE KNEELING 18 00:01:37,697 --> 00:01:44,237 LET'S HEAR IT ONE MORE TIME FOR COACH GRUDEN THANK YOU, ROGER. 19 00:01:44,237 --> 00:01:49,642 I'M SORRY TO ALL THE RAIDERS FANS OUT THERE HOPE YOU WON'T JUDGE ME ON ONE 20 00:01:49,642 --> 00:01:55,849 EMAIL I SENT 10 YEARS AGO, OR THE 20 EMAILS I SENT LAST TUESDAY. 21 00:01:55,849 --> 00:02:02,822 I PROMISE I DON'T HAVE A RACIST BONE IN MY BODY. WHEN A CALLED AN AFRICAN 22 00:02:02,822 --> 00:02:06,493 AMERICAN PLAYER DARK E THAN A SKY WITH NO STARS, I PROMISE YOU, THAT WAS IN NO WAY 23 00:02:06,493 --> 00:02:08,061 RACIAL THAT WAS REFERRING TO HIS SENSE OF HUMOR, WHICH IS EXTREMELY 24 00:02:08,061 --> 00:02:10,063 DARK AND EDGY. BUT THAT SHOW "LOUIE"ON FX - HEY WHEN'S THE NEXT SEASON 25 00:02:10,063 --> 00:02:13,266 COMING OUT I ALSO CALLED THE COMMISSIONER THE GAY F-WORD LIKE A HUNDRED 26 00:02:13,266 --> 00:02:18,104 TIMES. NOW THIS SOUNDS LIKE A STRETCH BUT IF YOU'VE EVER GOTTEN BURNED 27 00:02:18,104 --> 00:02:25,945 BY AUTO CORRECT. HEAR ME OUT. SEE, I'M A BIT OF A NAVAL BUFF 28 00:02:25,945 --> 00:02:28,648 AND I OFTEN SEND MY FRIENDS EMAILS ABOUT FRIGATES, WHICH ARE WARSHIPS 29 00:02:28,648 --> 00:02:34,587 I'LL SAY, LOOK AT THAT FLAMING FRIGATE! THAT'S WHEN A WARSHIP'S ON FIRE. 30 00:02:34,587 --> 00:02:39,426 OR THAT DUMBASS FRIGATE CAN S MY D. THAT'S ABOUT A WARSHIP 31 00:02:39,426 --> 00:02:42,629 PERFORMING ORAL SEX ON ANOTHER WARSHIP. YOU GET IT 32 00:02:42,629 --> 00:02:46,433 MY POINT IS, I NEVER MEANT TO HURT ANYONE. I MEANT TO HURT THEM SECRETLY 33 00:02:46,433 --> 00:02:58,611 BEHIND THEIR BACKS APPEARANCES MATTER, SO I'LL TURN IT OVER TO A GUY WHO'S ALL ABOUT 34 00:02:58,611 --> 00:03:03,083 APPEARANCES, THE RAIDERS OWNER MARK DAVIS HI, FOLKS 35 00:03:03,083 --> 00:03:07,887 MARK DAVIS HERE. AS MY PLAYERS CALL ME, THE BOTCHED CIRCUMCISION 36 00:03:07,887 --> 00:03:14,728 NO, NO OK LOOK 37 00:03:14,728 --> 00:03:16,229 GUYS, WHAT COACH GRUDEN WROTE WAS DISGRACEFUL. WE NEED TO DO A BETTER JOB 38 00:03:16,229 --> 00:03:23,636 WE NEED TO, AS I TELL MY BARBER, AIM HIGHER AND TRUST ME, I'VE HEARD ALL THE 39 00:03:23,636 --> 00:03:30,710 JOKES ABOUT MY HAIR AND HOW IT LOOKS LIKE DONALD TRUMP'S HAIRCUT GAVE ME A HAIRCUT. 40 00:03:30,710 --> 00:03:36,916 BUT WE'RE MAKING THIS RIGHT AND MOVING ON. SO I'M GOING TO TURN IT OVER T 41 00:03:36,916 --> 00:03:38,551 OUR NEW HEAD COACH, LARRY "DON'T MAKE ME DO THIS" RUCKER. THANK YOU, THANK YOU. 42 00:03:38,551 --> 00:03:44,924 HEY, GUYS. IT'S AN HONOR TO TAKE OVER THIS STORIED FRANCHISE. 43 00:03:44,924 --> 00:03:51,498 AND A REAL SHAME THAT I HAVE TO IMMEDIATELY RESIGN THEY JUST FOUND MY EMAILS TOO, 44 00:03:51,498 --> 00:03:54,634 AND THEY ARE SO MUCH WORSE THAN THE OLD COACH'S. I PUT THE F-WORD IN THE SUBJECT 45 00:03:54,634 --> 00:04:02,175 LINE I STARTED AN EMAIL CHAIN CALLED "LET'S RANK THE RACES" AND I 46 00:04:02,175 --> 00:04:06,046 RESPONDED TO ALL OF COACH GRUDEN'S EMAILS, LOL, THIS IS SO TRUE AND FUNNY, YOU THE MAN, 47 00:04:06,046 --> 00:04:14,788 GRUDEN ANYWAY, THANK YOU AND I LOOK FORWARD TO JOINING 48 00:04:14,788 --> 00:04:16,056 ESPN IN THREE MONTHS OKAY, HI, EVERYONE! HI 49 00:04:16,056 --> 00:04:18,224 THANK YOU. THANK YOU. I WAS THE EQUIPMENT MANAGER FIVE 50 00:04:18,224 --> 00:04:22,062 MINUTES AGO. THEN SOMEONE JUST PUSHED ME ON STAGE AND WHISPERED, YOU THE 51 00:04:22,062 --> 00:04:29,469 COACH NOW! SO LET ME SAY THIS LAS VEGAS WILL NOT TOLERATE 52 00:04:29,469 --> 00:04:34,974 MISOGYNY OF ANY KIND NEVER HAS, NEVER WILL. I WILL VOUCH FOR THE ENTIRE CITY 53 00:04:34,974 --> 00:04:42,515 ON THAT. ALSO, I'M RESIGNING IMMEDIATELY. I SEE REPORTERS DIGGING THROUGH 54 00:04:42,515 --> 00:04:47,354 MY OLD TWEETS, AND THIS WILL NOT END WELL FOR ME. I NEVER SHOULD HAVE DRESSED UP 55 00:04:47,354 --> 00:04:55,495 AS JACKIE CHAN FOR HALLOWEEN BUT 2019 WAS A DIFFERENT ERA THANK YOU, AND I'LL THROW IT 56 00:04:55,495 --> 00:05:03,169 OVER TO THE NEW CHAIRMAN OF WOMEN'S RELATIONS FOR THE NFL, A CHEERLEADER FOR THE WASHINGTON 57 00:05:03,169 --> 00:05:12,679 FOOTBALL TEAM. THANK YOU THANK YOU. 58 00:05:12,679 --> 00:05:17,050 I LIKE MY TEAM DON'T HAVE A NAME I WANT TO SAY, THE E-MAILS JON 59 00:05:17,050 --> 00:05:22,322 GRUDEN SENT TO OUR ORGANIZATION DO NOT REFLECT THE VALUES OF OUR TEAM, A TEAM THAT UNTIL A YEAR 60 00:05:22,322 --> 00:05:32,632 AGO WAS CALLED THE REDSKINS. I ALSO WANT TO THANK TO WOMEN WHO FELT OFFEND BY THE E-MAILS 61 00:05:32,632 --> 00:05:36,670 LIGHTEN UP THEY'RE FUNNY. IT WAS A NAME OF THE FIRST 62 00:05:36,670 --> 00:05:41,241 FEMALE REFEREE AND SHE WAS THINKING, WAIT A MINUTE, THIS ISN'T MY KITCHEN 63 00:05:41,241 --> 00:05:51,484 THAT'S FUNNY JUST RELAX NOW TO SOOTHE EVERYTHING OVER 64 00:05:51,484 --> 00:05:55,855 I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE OUR MASCOT WE'VE MADE A LOT OF PROGRESS 65 00:05:55,855 --> 00:06:02,495 CHLG WE'RE USING WHITE STEREOTYPES. PLEASE WELCOME GIUSEPPE, THE 66 00:06:02,495 --> 00:06:07,534 STIPGY ITALIAN HEY WHAT'S THAT SPICY FOOD IS ALL 67 00:06:07,534 --> 00:06:17,277 ABOUT. ITALIANS MAKING THE MEET BALLS AND DOING A PIZZA. 68 00:06:17,277 --> 00:06:20,580 I SO SORRY, I CANNOT DO THIS THIS DON'T FEEL RIGHT. SPEAKING OF NOT RIGHT, HI, 69 00:06:20,580 --> 00:06:30,590 I'M COLIN KAEPERNICK REMEMBER ME? SO MUCH STUFF COMING OUT ABOUT 70 00:06:30,590 --> 00:06:36,162 THE NFL MAYBE RACIST, KIND OF. HUH. I WONDER IF ANYBODY TRIED TO 71 00:06:36,162 --> 00:06:41,468 WARN PEOPLE ABOUT THIS BEFORE. I'M SCRATCHING MY HEAD TRYING TO REMEMBER WHO SAID THAT 72 00:06:41,468 --> 00:06:45,772 SCRATCH, SCRATCH IT'S ALMOST LIKE THAT'S THE REASON THEY BANNED ME FROM THE 73 00:06:45,772 --> 00:06:49,909 LEAGUE I DON'T KNOW. MAYBE IT WAS JUST YOUR WEIRD 74 00:06:49,909 --> 00:06:56,449 HAIR CUT BUT GOOD NEWS. I THINK WE MAY HAVE FOUND A 75 00:06:56,449 --> 00:07:00,053 SOLUTION THAT MAKES EVERYONE HAPPY. SOMEONE EVEN TWITTER CAN GET 76 00:07:00,053 --> 00:07:09,863 BEHIND INTRODUCING OUR NEW HEAD COACH, LAVAR BURTON 77 00:07:09,863 --> 00:07:16,369 THANK YOU VERY MUCH. SUCK IT, MAYIM BIALIK. I AM THE SUPREME FOOTBALL HOST 78 00:07:16,369 --> 00:07:22,909 NOW. I WILL TAKE OFFENSE FOR 300. WHAT IS A HANDOFF? 79 00:07:22,909 --> 00:07:28,281 I'M GENUINELY ASKING I'M A THEATER KID, COME ON HA HA HA! 80 00:07:28,281 --> 00:07:33,153 SO YEAH, I THINK THE NFL IS GOING TO BE JUST FINE. TAKE US OUT, LEVAR 81 00:07:33,153 --> 00:07:38,525 * FIELD GOAL IN THE SKY I AM THE HEAD COACH GU JUST TAKE A LOOK IN TH 82 00:07:38,525 --> 00:07:42,862 PLAYBOOK * * WE'RE PLAYING FOOTBAL WE'RE PLAYING FOOTBALL 83 00:07:42,862 --> 00:07:50,270 FEEL LIKE PLAYING FOOTBALL * AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT 84 00:09:53,193 --> 00:10:01,267 MUSICAL GUEST: YOUNG THUG. AND YOUR HOST, RAMI MALEK! 85 00:10:04,871 --> 00:10:18,418 RAMI MALEK * [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE 86 00:10:22,555 --> 00:10:29,596 THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, EVERYONE. I AM SO EXCITED TO BE HERE 87 00:10:29,596 --> 00:10:33,400 MY NAME IS RAMI MALEK AND I'M HONORED TO BE STANDING ON THIS STAGE. 88 00:10:33,400 --> 00:10:38,204 YOU KNOW, I PLAYED A LOT OF DRAMATIC ROLES IN MY CAREER. MOST RECENTLY THE NEW BOND 89 00:10:38,204 --> 00:10:46,279 VILLAIN. BUT I DON'T USUALLY DO COMEDY. YEAH, I TEND TO PLAY THESE 90 00:10:46,279 --> 00:10:52,819 REALLY INTENSE CHARACTERS, WHICH MAKES A LOT OF SENSE, BECAUSE PEOPLE TELL ME I HAVE WHAT'S 91 00:10:52,819 --> 00:10:59,859 CALLED "ARRESTING VILLAIN FACE." LIKE THIS IS ME TOTALLY NEUTRAL. AND I KNOW MOST PEOPLE WOULD 92 00:10:59,859 --> 00:11:05,231 RATHER PLAY THE HERO BUT WEIRDLY, I'VE ALWAYS BEEN MORE DRAWN TO VILLAINS 93 00:11:05,231 --> 00:11:09,502 I SYMPATHIZE WITH THEM, YOU KNOW IN "LION KING. 94 00:11:09,502 --> 00:11:15,408 I'M TEAM SCAR. I ACTUALLY FOUND SIMBA TO BE KIND OF ANNOYING 95 00:11:15,408 --> 00:11:24,084 YOU WANT TO BE KING? YOU'RE LIKE 3 YEARS OLD. RELAX! 96 00:11:24,084 --> 00:11:29,456 AND IN "SILENCE OF THE LAMBS." I'M ALWAYS LIKE, THAT POOR HANNIBAL 97 00:11:29,456 --> 00:11:33,226 THAT LADY JUST KEEPS COMING IN AND ASKING HIM ALL THESE QUESTIONS. 98 00:11:33,226 --> 00:11:38,631 IT'S LIKE, LEAVE THE GUY ALONE, CLARICE! I THINK A LOT OF VILLAINS ARE 99 00:11:38,631 --> 00:11:45,605 JUST MISUNDERSTOOD FOR EXAMPLE, JAWS, HUNGRY. DRACULA, THIRSTY 100 00:11:45,605 --> 00:11:51,511 FRANKENSTEIN, HORNY. I CAN KEEP GOING DARTH VADER, IS JUST TRYING TO 101 00:11:51,511 --> 00:12:01,721 RECONNECT WITH HIS SON FREDDIE KRUGER, ENCOURAGING KIDS TO DREAM 102 00:12:01,721 --> 00:12:07,694 BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? IT'S NICE TO SEE VILLAINS FINALLY GETTING SOME RESPECT 103 00:12:07,694 --> 00:12:10,930 DISNEY'S EVEN MADE MOVIES WHERE THE VILLAIN'S NAME'S ARE IN THE TITLE. 104 00:12:10,930 --> 00:12:16,903 "CRUELLA." "MALEFICENT. "BAMBI." 105 00:12:16,903 --> 00:12:26,546 BUT HONESTLY, I'M HAPPY TO PLAY THE VILLAIN. I'M SO HAPPY TO BE IN MOVIES 106 00:12:26,546 --> 00:12:28,615 I NEVER THOUGHT THIS WOULD BE MY LIFE I'M THE SON OF EGYPTIAN 107 00:12:28,615 --> 00:12:30,784 IMMIGRANTS AND I HAD KIND OF A SHELTERED CHILDHOOD. 108 00:12:30,784 --> 00:12:34,087 IT WAS SO SHELTERED, I GREW UP IN THE SAN FERNANDO VALLEY IN L.A., BUT SOMEHOW I HAD NO IDEA 109 00:12:34,087 --> 00:12:38,291 THAT I LIVED RIGHT NEXT TO HOLLYWOOD. SERIOUSLY, AS A KID. 110 00:12:38,291 --> 00:12:45,365 I DREAMED OF GOING TO THE WALK OF FAME, THE SUNSET STRIP. I TRULY THOUGHT IT WAS A MILLION 111 00:12:45,365 --> 00:12:49,703 MILES AWAY IT WAS A 10-MINUTE DRIVE WELL, IT'S THREE HOURS WITH 112 00:12:49,703 --> 00:12:56,676 TRAFFIC. BUT IT WAS GREAT I LOVED GROWING UP THERE WITH MY 113 00:12:56,676 --> 00:13:01,581 FAMILY, MY MOM, MY DAD, MY SISTER, AND MY TWIN BROTHER. YES. 114 00:13:01,581 --> 00:13:09,956 YES, I GOT A TWIN BROTHER. AND YES, HE WILL BE SWAPPING PLACES WITH ME IN ONE SKETCH 115 00:13:09,956 --> 00:13:16,262 TONIGHT. AND YOU'LL NEVER KNOW WHICH ONE. IT MIGHT EVEN BE RIGHT NOW 116 00:13:16,262 --> 00:13:19,532 NO, I'M KIDDING. IT'S ME. RAMI 117 00:13:19,532 --> 00:13:25,472 OR IS IT NO, NO, IT IS. BUT REALLY, THIS IS SUCH A 118 00:13:25,472 --> 00:13:29,776 SPECIAL NIGHT FOR ME BOTH OF MY SIBLINGS ARE HERE AND I'M SO PROUD OF THEM 119 00:13:29,776 --> 00:13:37,884 MY BROTHER'S A TEACHER, MY SISTER'S AN E.R. DOCTOR. THEY ARE TRULY INCREDIBLE 120 00:13:37,884 --> 00:13:42,789 PEOPLE AND THEY HAVE DEVOTED THEIR LIVES TO HELPING OTHERS. 121 00:13:42,789 --> 00:13:45,091 BUT I HAVE AN OSCAR, SO. KIND OF EVEN WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU 122 00:13:45,091 --> 00:13:48,795 TONIGHT! YOUNG THUG IS HERE SO STICK AROUND, WE'LL BE RIGHT 123 00:13:48,795 --> 00:13:55,435 BACK * CHEERS AND APPLAUSE * 124 00:14:05,378 --> 00:14:07,947 MED HELLO, EVERYONE, AND WELCOME I'M PRINCIPAL CARTER 125 00:14:07,947 --> 00:14:13,086 IT'S A BIG DAY HERE AT WEYMOUTH LOWER SCHOOL, THE BUG ASSEMBLY MS. MIDAS'S CLASS WILL PRESENT 126 00:14:13,086 --> 00:14:17,323 THEIRBUGS TO THE ENTIRE STUDEN BODY AND THEY ARE EXCITED, SORT OF 127 00:14:17,323 --> 00:14:31,371 LIKE BURNING MAN FOR WEIRD KIDS. SO WITHOUT FURTHER ADO, BUGS. I'M A PRAYING MANTIS, BUT NOT 128 00:14:31,371 --> 00:14:32,872 RELIGIOUS. I PREY ON PESTS IN THE GARDEN. I'M A LADYBUG 129 00:14:32,872 --> 00:14:34,507 I CAN HAVE UP TO 20 SPOTS, AND THAT'S A LOT I'M A STINKBUG. 130 00:14:34,507 --> 00:14:52,392 MY NASTY ODOR PROTECTS ME FROM PREDATORS. AND I'M DADDY LONG LEGS 131 00:14:52,392 --> 00:14:57,797 GREAT WELL YOUR COSTUMES ALL LOOK TERRIFIC. 132 00:14:57,797 --> 00:15:05,872 LOOKING FORWARD TO LEARNING A BIT MORE LET'S HEAR ABOUT YOUR DIETS 133 00:15:05,872 --> 00:15:09,109 WELL, I EAT WEEDS AND GRASSES, BUT NOT THE KIND YOU'RE THINKING 134 00:15:09,109 --> 00:15:11,845 DON'T GET ME IN TROUBLE. I EAT BUGS, AND IN MY LIFE I CAN EAT UP TO 5,000. 135 00:15:11,845 --> 00:15:17,217 AND THAT'S A LOT AND WHAT DOES DADDY LONG LEGS EAT? 136 00:15:17,217 --> 00:15:37,203 BOYS, BOYS, BOYS OKAY. RUSSELL? 137 00:15:37,203 --> 00:15:43,777 CALL ME DADDY OKAY. DADDY. 138 00:15:43,777 --> 00:15:46,446 I APPRECIATE THE CREATIVITY, BUT I'D LOVE TO KNOW SOME MORE ABOUT YOUR INSECT. 139 00:15:46,446 --> 00:15:56,556 IT'S ALL IN THE NAME. I'M A FATHER, AND MY LEGS GO ALL ON FOR WEEKS 140 00:15:56,556 --> 00:16:01,761 OK. AND DADDY. 141 00:16:01,761 --> 00:16:03,797 I DON'T WANT THAT FROM YOU. OKAY, RUSSELL CAN YOU SAY ANY SCIENCE FACTS 142 00:16:03,797 --> 00:16:05,498 ABOUT YOURSELF SURE. I'M HOT, I PARTY, I WALK INTO 143 00:16:05,498 --> 00:16:19,446 THE ROOM, AND I AM RESPECTED NO MORE QUESTIONS! RUSSELL, YOU LOOKED LIKE YOU 144 00:16:19,446 --> 00:16:23,750 WERE ABOUT TO DO A DEATH DROP, BUT THEN YOU STOPPED I GOT SCARED. 145 00:16:23,750 --> 00:16:27,554 I'VE ONLY DONE IT ONCE, AND I DIDN'T WANT TO SPLIT MY ASS OPEN IN FRONT OF THE JUDGES 146 00:16:27,554 --> 00:16:32,392 THERE ARE NO JUDGES YEAH, WHAT IS THIS KID'S DEAL 147 00:16:32,392 --> 00:16:39,766 HIS DAD IS AN EXEC AT BRAVO, HIS OTHER DAD IS A REPUBLICAN. HONESTLY, THIS IS THE FIRST TIME 148 00:16:39,766 --> 00:16:42,635 I'VE EVER HEARD HIM SPEAK. OH, GOT IT. I GOT TO SAY THIS FEELS KIND 149 00:16:42,635 --> 00:16:46,873 OF UNFAIR. HE'S NAMED AFTER HIS LEGS AND I'M NAMED AFTER STINK. 150 00:16:46,873 --> 00:16:53,513 HONESTLY, JOHNNY, OUT OF ALL THE SEVENTH GRADE BOYS, YOU SMELL REALLY GOOD. 151 00:16:53,513 --> 00:16:56,082 THANKS, KEV ALSO, I COULD HAVE SWORN RUSSELL WAS ASSIGNED A 152 00:16:56,082 --> 00:17:03,423 COCKROACH. IT WASN'T A FIT GUYS, LET'S STAY ON TRACK 153 00:17:03,423 --> 00:17:07,394 DO YOU BUGS HAVE ANY QUESTIONS FOR EACH OTHER I DO. 154 00:17:07,394 --> 00:17:19,773 HOW DOES THE DADDY LONG LEGS TRACK ITS PREY. I SLAM DOWN BY CREDIT CARD ON 155 00:17:19,773 --> 00:17:21,274 GROUND AND SAY, "DADDY'S GOT IT." WHY ISN'T THERE A MOMMY LONG 156 00:17:21,274 --> 00:17:22,809 LEGS SHUT THE HELL UP, GET HER OUT OF HERE NOW! 157 00:17:22,809 --> 00:17:29,049 I'M GOING TO FREAK OUT OKAY, OKAY, DAISY, TAKE A TIME OUT 158 00:17:29,049 --> 00:17:33,153 I'LL HAVE TO SHOWER LATER, BITCH. WHO IS HE POINTING TO 159 00:17:33,153 --> 00:17:34,554 I DON'T KNOW. IS HE PLAYING CHARADES OKAY, YOU. 160 00:17:34,554 --> 00:17:36,256 DADDY LONG LEGS. I GOT IT ALL RIGHT, WELL, ONE OF THE COOL 161 00:17:36,256 --> 00:17:38,324 THINGS ABOUT TODAY IS THAT WE CAN SEE HOW DIFFERENT BUGS INTERACT 162 00:17:38,324 --> 00:17:40,193 SINCE YOU'RE SUCH AN ARTISTIC BUNCH, LET'S SEE HOW DADDY LONG LEGS AND STINK BUGS MIGHT EXIST 163 00:17:40,193 --> 00:17:45,432 IN NATURE. AND GO HI, MR. LONG LEGS, I'M A 164 00:17:45,432 --> 00:17:50,837 STINKBUG IT'S BEEN AWHILE. YOU LOOK WORSE 165 00:17:50,837 --> 00:17:54,607 WHO LET YOU IN WHAT? OH, STINKBUG, I'VE MISSED 166 00:17:54,607 --> 00:18:02,115 YOU. I WANT YOUR STINK BACK IN MY LIFE 167 00:18:02,115 --> 00:18:06,686 LET'S GET REMARRIED. OKAY, THAT'S ENOUGH I GUESS WE LET THAT GO ON FOR A 168 00:18:06,686 --> 00:18:09,422 LITTLE BIT OF A WHILE. I KIND OF GOT LOST IN IT THE TEAMWORK WAS PRETTY DAMN 169 00:18:09,422 --> 00:18:18,798 GOOD YOU KNOW, RUSSELL ISN'T THE ONLY ONE HERE WHO CAN DO COOL 170 00:18:18,798 --> 00:18:22,168 STUFF. I CAN, TOO I HAVE CHARISMA. 171 00:18:22,168 --> 00:18:23,670 WELL -- * MY NAME IS STINKY AND I'M HERE TO SA 172 00:18:23,670 --> 00:18:30,110 I EMIT ODO IN A STINKY WAY * JOHNNY, THAT WAS AMAZING. 173 00:18:30,110 --> 00:18:33,380 I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW THIS, BUT MY DAD'S AN EXECUTIVE AT BRAVO. 174 00:18:33,380 --> 00:18:44,724 WE'RE GETTING YOU A SHOW WOW, RUSSELL, REALLY? THAT'S AMAZING 175 00:18:44,724 --> 00:18:48,328 THEN WE HAVE TO CELEBRATE, ALL OF US, TONIGHT AND REMEMBER, DADDY'S GOT IT 176 00:19:01,207 --> 00:19:10,850 * DON'T GOT A LOT OF MONEY * DRIVE A RUSTED OUT CHEVY * I JUST GOT LAID OFF 177 00:19:10,850 --> 00:19:16,790 * BAR TAB AND I PAID OFF. * MY EX-WIFE HATES ME EVEN HAD TO SELL MY PUPPY * 178 00:19:16,790 --> 00:19:21,061 * YEAH SO BROKE IT'S A DAMN SHAM GUESS I GOTTA PLAY 179 00:19:21,061 --> 00:19:25,365 THE SQUID GAME * * YEAH I GOTTA PLAY THE SQUID GAME 180 00:19:25,365 --> 00:19:30,236 MY ONLY OPTION I THE SQUID GAME * * I HAVE A NUMBER 181 00:19:30,236 --> 00:19:34,574 NOT A REAL NAM 'CAUSE I'M PLAYING IN THE SQUID GAME * 182 00:19:34,574 --> 00:19:38,912 * WEIRD CARDS PINK GUARD LOCKED US IN A BIG ROOM * 183 00:19:38,912 --> 00:19:42,716 * THEY'VE GOT SYMBOLS ON THEIR FACES LIKE ONES ON PLAYSTATION * 184 00:19:42,716 --> 00:19:51,925 * AND THE MAIN GU LOOKS LIKE DOCTOR WHO * * BUNK BEDS, NEW FRIEND 185 00:19:51,925 --> 00:19:55,161 PIGGY BANK UP IN THE SKY THERE'S A ROBOT GIRL WHO CAUGHT ME RUNNING * 186 00:19:55,161 --> 00:19:59,499 * BETTER DUCK BEHIN THE NEAREST GUY * WAIT WHAT 187 00:19:59,499 --> 00:20:06,439 * YELLING AT ME IN KOREAN AND NOTHING IS TRANSLATE BROKE MY COOKI 188 00:20:06,439 --> 00:20:13,480 AND I GOT ELIMINATED * * GOT A CRAZY GIRLFRIEN THINK SHE MIGH 189 00:20:13,480 --> 00:20:19,452 HAVE STABBED ME * * AFTER I WAS HIT THEY TOOK MY EYEBALL 190 00:20:19,452 --> 00:20:28,094 AND MY KIDNEY * * THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS IN THE SQUID GAME * 191 00:20:28,094 --> 00:20:37,804 * PEOPLE DIE IN THE RED LIGHT GREEN LIGHT. 192 00:20:37,804 --> 00:20:50,250 * THAT'S THE WAY YOU PLAY THE SQUID GAME * RED LIGHT 193 00:20:50,250 --> 00:20:55,155 GREEN LIGHT. * THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS IN THE SQUID GAME * 194 00:20:55,155 --> 00:21:04,898 * 45 MILLION WO THAT'S A WHOLE LOT OF MONE AT LEAST I THINK IT IS * 195 00:21:04,898 --> 00:21:08,134 * I'M CONFUSE BY THE CURRENCY * * ANYWAY I'M ON 196 00:21:08,134 --> 00:21:17,844 A GLASS BRIDGE AND I THINK I'M GONNA WIN * * HEY LOOK IT'S MY FRIEND PET 197 00:21:17,844 --> 00:21:23,316 AND YOU GO BYE-BYE NOW * * HEY I JUST WO THE SQUID GAME 198 00:21:23,316 --> 00:21:29,789 KILLED ALL MY FRIEND IN THE SQUID GAME * * MY BODY IS COMPLETELY MAIME 199 00:21:29,789 --> 00:21:35,195 WHY THE HELL'D I PLAY THE SQUID GAME * * SO I WENT BAC 200 00:21:35,195 --> 00:21:38,965 TO MY HOMETOWN GOT A COOL RED HAIRCUT * * GONNA LIVE MY LIF 201 00:21:38,965 --> 00:21:45,505 BETTER NOW I'VE GROWN IN SO MANY WAYS * * THEN ONE DA 202 00:21:45,505 --> 00:21:53,113 I GOT MORE THEN I TOOK ALL MY MONEY AND I BET IT ON THE JETS * 203 00:21:53,113 --> 00:21:59,552 * GOING BACK TO THE SQUID GAM I'M TERRIBLE WITH MONE THE GUARDS THINK 204 00:21:59,552 --> 00:22:06,593 IT'S PRETTY FUNNY * * THAT I'M BACK IN THE SQUID GAME * 205 00:22:06,593 --> 00:22:11,331 HE HAS BEEN ELIMINATED. * THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS IN THE SQUID GAME * 206 00:22:20,573 --> 00:22:23,176 WELL, LOOKS LIKE WE HAVE A TOUGH CHOICE ON OUR HANDS. I KNOW. 207 00:22:23,176 --> 00:22:27,547 I DIDN'T EXPECT THIS DECISION TO BE SO DIFFICULT. WHAT DO YOU THINK, JORDAN PEELE? 208 00:22:27,547 --> 00:22:29,182 I STILL CAN'T DECIDE, BUT IT'S DEFINITELY BETWEEN THE LAST TWO, AGREED. 209 00:22:29,182 --> 00:22:36,823 FOR SURE. YES, DEFINITELY UH-HUH. 210 00:22:36,823 --> 00:22:47,334 YOU KNOW? WHY DON'T WE BRING HIM BACK IN CAN YOU ACCEPTED IN OUR LAST 211 00:22:47,334 --> 00:22:50,937 TWO AUDITIONERS? WOW. THIS IS GOING TO BE TOUGH. 212 00:22:50,937 --> 00:22:59,412 FIRST OF ALL, YOU GUYS ARE BY FAR OUR TOP TWO CHOICES TO PLAY PRINCE IN MY NEW BIO 213 00:22:59,412 --> 00:23:02,816 WE CAN ONLY PICK ONE. OF COURSE RIGHT, RIGHT. 214 00:23:02,816 --> 00:23:12,726 THE ONLY WAY TO DO THIS IS TO HAVE A PRINCIPLES-OFF. WHAT IS A PRINCE AFTER OFF? 215 00:23:12,726 --> 00:23:14,461 YES, I'LL CALL OUT SOME RANDOM SCENES FROM THE SCRIPT. AND YOU TWO WILL GIVE ME YOUR 216 00:23:14,461 --> 00:23:15,962 ABSOLUTE BEST PRINCE PERFORMANCE. AT THE SAME TIME 217 00:23:15,962 --> 00:23:17,630 I CAN DO THAT ALL RIGHT, SHOW ME PRINCE DOING A FUNKY LICK ON THE 218 00:23:17,630 --> 00:23:23,570 GUITAR ACTION * 219 00:23:23,570 --> 00:23:27,374 GOOD, GOOD. NOW, SHOW ME PRINCE GETTING PELTED IN THE LEGS WITH A 220 00:23:27,374 --> 00:23:33,279 FOOTBALL * GOOD. 221 00:23:33,279 --> 00:23:41,421 NOW DO PRINCE STEPPING ON A LEGO * 222 00:23:41,421 --> 00:23:53,366 WOW, GREAT. PRINCE IS WITH HIS LOVER AND DID THAT PREMATURELY 223 00:23:53,366 --> 00:24:00,507 WOW, GREAT. GREAT, GREAT. NOW PRINCE GETS IN THE SHOWER 224 00:24:00,507 --> 00:24:02,175 AND THE WATER'S TOO HOT. * LET'S SEE PRINCE GET SHOT IN 225 00:24:02,175 --> 00:24:05,378 THE STOMACH. * OKAY, PRINCE GETS A COVID 226 00:24:05,378 --> 00:24:08,548 TEST BUT THEY GO UP TOO FAR. * NOW PRINCE REALIZES HIS 227 00:24:08,548 --> 00:24:16,122 VIRGIN PINA COLADA ISN'T VIRGIN. * AND CUT 228 00:24:16,122 --> 00:24:22,529 WOW. HOW DO WE CHOOSE WOW, I DON'T KNOW 229 00:24:22,529 --> 00:24:25,665 SHOOTING STARTS TOMORROW SO, IS IT GOING TO BE RAMI MALEK OR KENAN THOMPSON 230 00:24:25,665 --> 00:24:41,848 I MEAN, RAMI, YOU ALREADY WON AN OSCAR YES, THAT IS CORRECT. 231 00:24:41,848 --> 00:24:47,887 BUT YOU ARE BLACK AND RAMI IS NOT. THANK YOU VERY MUCH 232 00:24:47,887 --> 00:24:51,591 WELL, THAT'S NOT FAIR. I'M SORRY, I JUST DON'T THINK I CAN CAST A WHITE GUY TO PLAY 233 00:24:51,591 --> 00:24:54,861 PRINCE IN MY MOVIE OH, NO, NO, BUT MY PARENTS ARE FROM EGYPT AND THAT'S IN 234 00:24:54,861 --> 00:24:58,531 AFRICA COME ON, MAN. DON'T DO THAT, UH-UH. 235 00:24:58,531 --> 00:25:06,172 OKAY. WELL, DOESN'T PRINCE TRANSCEND RACE 236 00:25:06,172 --> 00:25:16,950 NOT IN THIS MOVIE, NO YOU SEE THERE'S AN UNEXPECTED TWIST IN THIS JORDAN PEELE 237 00:25:16,950 --> 00:25:18,651 MOVIE. THAT'S RIGHT, THAT'S RIGHT. YOU SEE, IT STARTS OFF AS A 238 00:25:18,651 --> 00:25:20,754 PRINCE BIO-PIC BUT THEN -- IT TURNS INTO A HORROR MOVIE ABOUT RACISM 239 00:25:20,754 --> 00:25:22,355 DAMMIT, LUCKY GUESS ANYWAY, KENAN, YOU HAVE THE PART 240 00:25:22,355 --> 00:25:41,908 HOORAY! OH, THIS IS BULL CRAP AM I TOO LATE 241 00:25:41,908 --> 00:25:43,510 AM I TOO LATE FOR THE AUDITION FOR THE PRINCE SORRY, DANIEL CRAIG 242 00:25:43,510 --> 00:25:52,719 AND THE AUDITION IS NOT FOR THE PRINCE IT'S FOR PRINCE, THE SINGER. 243 00:25:52,719 --> 00:25:57,090 UH-HUH. DID YOU EVEN READ THE SCRIPT? YEAH, I THOUGHT IT WAS A 244 00:25:57,090 --> 00:26:05,632 HORROR MOVIE THAT WAS ABOUT RACISM I'M HERE NOW, CAN I AT LEAST 245 00:26:05,632 --> 00:26:15,942 TRY? YOU'RE GOING TO NEED A GUITAR 246 00:26:15,942 --> 00:26:22,415 FINE, SHOW ME PRINCE SEEING AN ADORABLE DOG. * 247 00:26:22,415 --> 00:26:29,456 BUT THEN IT BITES HIM * OKAY. 248 00:26:29,456 --> 00:26:45,171 SO HE KICKS IT AND MISSES. * HEY, HEY, GET OFF ME, 249 00:26:45,171 --> 00:26:46,272 DOUBLE O - HOW WAS THAT? BAD 250 00:26:46,272 --> 00:26:48,475 BUT YOU'RE JAMES BOND, SO YOU GOT THE PART * 251 00:26:55,915 --> 00:27:04,557 HELLO, FOLKS WELCOME TO "CELEB SCHOOL." I'M YOUR HOST, BERT SIMPSON. 252 00:27:04,557 --> 00:27:08,862 BERT SIMPSON AND YOU KNOW THE GAME. TWO CONTESTANTS TRY TO WIN 253 00:27:08,862 --> 00:27:13,299 $10,000 WITH HELP FROM OUR CLASSROOM OF CELEBS. PLAYING TODAY ARE TRISHELLE AND 254 00:27:13,299 --> 00:27:17,037 RYAN NOW, LET'S MEET OUR CELEBRITY STUDENTS 255 00:27:17,037 --> 00:27:21,841 WAIT, ARE WE NOT GOING TO DO INTRO BANTER OH, NO, YOU TWO ARE BORING. 256 00:27:21,841 --> 00:27:26,179 ALL RIGHT, FROM "LAST WEEK TONIGHT," IT'S JOHN OLIVER GAME SHOWS. 257 00:27:26,179 --> 00:27:30,050 AMERICA'S DIRTY LITTLE OBSESSION. "GET ME MORE GAME SHOWS, DADDY, 258 00:27:30,050 --> 00:27:37,057 MORE, PLEASE." OKAY. FROM "WHITE LOTUS," 259 00:27:37,057 --> 00:27:42,896 JENNIFER COOLIDGE. OH, GEEZ! WHY AM I HERE? 260 00:27:42,896 --> 00:27:52,138 I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING, GOSH. NEXT, AN ACTOR WHOSE VOICE SOUNDS LIKE IT'S BEEN CHANGED TO 261 00:27:52,138 --> 00:27:55,875 PROTECT HIS IDENTITY, ADAM DRIVER. HELLO 262 00:27:55,875 --> 00:28:04,551 EXCITING TO BE HERE. COULD HAVE FOOLED ME. ALL RIGHT, WE'VE ALSO GOT FUNNY 263 00:28:04,551 --> 00:28:08,855 LADY, KRISTEN WIIG HEY, HEY! HEY, MISTER HOST MAN 264 00:28:08,855 --> 00:28:14,794 DUMB DUMB WHY DID I SAY THAT 265 00:28:14,794 --> 00:28:20,166 AND STAR TREK LEGEND, GEORGE TAKEI HELLO 266 00:28:20,166 --> 00:28:22,302 WELL. GEORGE, I GOT TO ASK ARE YOU GOING TO SAY IT? 267 00:28:22,302 --> 00:28:27,140 THAT DEPENDS ON HOW BAD YOU WANT IT. OH, VERY BAD. 268 00:28:27,140 --> 00:28:31,945 OH, MY. THERE IT IS ALL RIGHT. 269 00:28:31,945 --> 00:28:41,755 NEXT TO HIM WE HAVE RAPPER, LIL WAYNE. I LIKE TO VIBE OUT. 270 00:28:41,755 --> 00:28:50,397 IT'S A LONG GAME, WEEZY ALL RIGHT, AND THE STAR OF "NO TIME TO DIE," ACTOR, RAMI MALEK! 271 00:28:50,397 --> 00:28:55,268 ALL RIGHT. AND FINALLY, FROM "SNL," PETE DAVIDSON. 272 00:28:55,268 --> 00:29:00,140 WHAT UP WHAT UP, YO? DO I HAVE TO SIT NEXT TO 273 00:29:00,140 --> 00:29:10,383 RAMI MALEK HIS EYES ARE FREAKING ME OUT STOP STARING AT ME, DUDE 274 00:29:10,383 --> 00:29:17,023 I'M SORRY, IT'S JUST THAT PEOPLE SAY WE LOOK ALIKE MAYBE. 275 00:29:17,023 --> 00:29:21,695 NO SEE IT. MAYBE IF I LOOK A LITTLE LONGER. NO, DUDE. 276 00:29:21,695 --> 00:29:24,397 OKAY. RYAN, TRISHELLE, YOU KNOW HOW THE GAME WORKS 277 00:29:24,397 --> 00:29:27,100 I GIVE YOU A SUBJECT, AND YOU CALL ON THE CELEBRITY STUDENT YOU THINK WILL KNOW THE ANSWER 278 00:29:27,100 --> 00:29:34,140 RYAN, YOU'RE UP FIRST. YOUR SUBJECT IS -- GEOGRAPHY OKAY, WELL HE HAS AN ACCENT 279 00:29:34,140 --> 00:29:43,350 AND GLASSES, WHICH MEANS, HE GOTTA BE SMART I CALL ON JOHN OLIVER. 280 00:29:43,350 --> 00:29:45,518 ALL RIGHT, JOHN OLIVER. SWEDEN IS BORDERED BY NORWAY AND WHICH OTHER COUNTRY? 281 00:29:45,518 --> 00:29:52,525 WELL, YOU CAN'T TALK ABOUT SWEDEN WITHOUT TALKING ABOUT IKEA 282 00:29:52,525 --> 00:29:58,832 HOME O SKETCHY FURNITURE AND EVEN SKETCHIER MEATBALLS. 283 00:29:58,832 --> 00:30:04,270 THEY'RE NOT BEEF BAD IKEA BAD IKEA 284 00:30:04,270 --> 00:30:08,541 OKAY, JOHN, YOUR RANT, THOUGH AMUSING, CONTAINED NO ANSWER AND PLEASE, NO MORE OVER THE 285 00:30:08,541 --> 00:30:12,846 SHOULDER GRAPHICS. ALL RIGHT, TRISHELLE, YOU CAN STEAL. 286 00:30:12,846 --> 00:30:18,284 OKAY, I'LL CALL ON JENNIFER COOLIDGE. OH, GEEZ. 287 00:30:18,284 --> 00:30:26,926 BAD CHOICE, SWEETHEART I WAS ONLY IN EUROPE ONCE. I DRANK TOO MUCH, I PASSED OUT 288 00:30:26,926 --> 00:30:35,035 IN A SAUNA LIKE A DUMBASS. OH, WHERE WAS I? FINLAND? 289 00:30:35,035 --> 00:30:39,973 THAT IS CORRECT WOW, TRISHELLE TAKES THAT POINT. OKAY, NEXT, LET'S -- HEY, HEY, 290 00:30:39,973 --> 00:30:42,108 HEY! STOP WITH THE PAPER AIRPLANES, KRISTEN WIGG 291 00:30:42,108 --> 00:30:48,648 I DIDN'T THROW ANYTHING WHY -- WHY WOULD YOU THINK I THREW IT 292 00:30:48,648 --> 00:30:50,250 BECAUSE -- BECAUSE YOU'RE HALF GIGGLING, AND I SAW YOU THROW IT 293 00:30:50,250 --> 00:30:54,554 I'M SORRY, I WAS JUST BEING WEIRD. SORRY. 294 00:30:54,554 --> 00:30:58,358 I MIGHT DO IT AGAIN, THOUGH. IS THAT BAD? YES 295 00:30:58,358 --> 00:31:04,330 OKAY TRISHELLE, YOUR SUBJECT IS -- HISTORY. 296 00:31:04,330 --> 00:31:09,703 I DON'T THINK HE'LL KNOW THE ANSWER, BECAUSE HE'S DEFINITELY HIGH AS HELL 297 00:31:09,703 --> 00:31:12,505 BUT I'M A BIG FAN, SO I'M GONNA CALL ON WEEZY. YEAH, I'D LIKE TO SOLVE THE 298 00:31:12,505 --> 00:31:19,512 PUZZLE "WHAT IS THAT BIG FATASS?" ONCE AGAIN, THIS IS NOT 299 00:31:19,512 --> 00:31:24,451 "WHEEL OF FORTUNE. NOR IS IT "JEOPARDY!." ARE YOU READY FOR THE QUESTION, 300 00:31:24,451 --> 00:31:30,357 LIL WAYNE? AND HE'S GONE. OKAY 301 00:31:30,357 --> 00:31:33,093 DOES ANYBODY KNOW WHERE HE WENT? RAMI MALEK, DID YOU SEE WHERE WEEZY WENT 302 00:31:33,093 --> 00:31:43,837 NO. I'VE BEEN STARING AT PETE DAVIDSON 303 00:31:43,837 --> 00:31:46,940 PLEASE, JUST MAKE HIM STOP. IT'S LIKE HIS SOUL, HE'S LIKE -- HE'S GOT THE SOUL OF A VICTORIAN 304 00:31:46,940 --> 00:31:48,441 CHILD TRAPPED IN HIS EYES. YEAH. YOU'RE NOT WRONG, PETE 305 00:31:48,441 --> 00:31:52,212 OKAY TRISHELLE, SECOND CHOICE I'LL CALL ON PETE DAVIDSON. 306 00:31:52,212 --> 00:32:00,820 PASS. YOU CAN'T PASS, PETE. ALL RIGHT, YOUR QUESTION -- 307 00:32:00,820 --> 00:32:06,226 WHICH REVOLUTIONARY WAR BATTLE WAS FOUGHT IN YOUR HOMETOWN, NEW YORK CITY? 308 00:32:06,226 --> 00:32:10,530 I MEAN, HOW WOULD I KNOW THAT I WENT TO SCHOOL IN 309 00:32:10,530 --> 00:32:18,104 STATEN ISLAND. ALL OF OUR CLASSES WERE TO PREPARE US TO BE FIREFIGHTERS 310 00:32:18,104 --> 00:32:24,544 AND RACIST COPS. OH, MY. GEORGE, YOU STAY OUT OF THIS. 311 00:32:24,544 --> 00:32:30,483 I NEED AN ANSWER, PETE I DON'T KNOW. CAN I JUST GIVE TRISHELLE 312 00:32:30,483 --> 00:32:38,091 $10,000 AFTER THE SHOW I MEAN, THAT WOULD BE EASIER NOT HOW THE GAME WORKS. 313 00:32:38,091 --> 00:32:40,193 OKAY, RYAN, YOUR CHANCE TO STEAL. OKAY, LET'S GO WITH 314 00:32:40,193 --> 00:32:45,565 ADAM DRIVER. GOOD. YES. 315 00:32:45,565 --> 00:32:55,342 LET'S HAVE FUN PLAYING THE GAME. OKAY, ADAM WHICH REVOLUTIONARY BATTLE WAS 316 00:32:55,342 --> 00:33:01,214 FOUGHT IN NEW YORK CITY? I DON'T KNOW, SO I'M NOT GOING TO ANSWER THE QUESTION 317 00:33:01,214 --> 00:33:06,086 CALM DOWN ANY OF OUR OTHER CELEBS THINK THEY KNOW? 318 00:33:06,086 --> 00:33:07,721 OH, GEORGE TAKEI HAS HIS HAND UP YOU GOT AN ANSWER? 319 00:33:07,721 --> 00:33:13,626 NO, I HAVE A QUESTION WHY DID WILLIAM SHATNER GET TO GO TO SPACE AND NOT ME 320 00:33:13,626 --> 00:33:20,667 LET SULU GO TO THE MOON. I'M SORRY, THAT'S NOT UP TO ME, GEORGE 321 00:33:20,667 --> 00:33:23,937 AND NOT THAT ANYONE CARES, BUT THE ANSWER WAS BROOKLYN. THE BATTLE OF BROOKLYN WAS 322 00:33:23,937 --> 00:33:34,714 FOUGHT IN NEW YORK CITY. YEAH, WHERE THE PLANE GO AT THAT IS "THE PRICE IS RIGHT" 323 00:33:34,714 --> 00:33:35,949 WEEZY. OKAY, WE'RE GOING TO TAKE A QUICK COMMERCIAL BREAK 324 00:33:35,949 --> 00:33:38,251 COMMERCIAL -- TV'S NEXT THAT IS "THE PRICE IS RIGHT" WEEZY. 325 00:33:38,251 --> 00:33:42,188 OKAY, WE'RE GOING TO TAKE A QUICK COMMERCIAL BREAK COMMERCIAL -- TV'S NEXT 326 00:33:47,927 --> 00:33:50,930 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOUNG THUG 327 00:33:54,334 --> 00:33:57,537 * OKAY I JUST WOKE UP IN AN ANIMAL I JUST WOKE UP IN A LAMBO' 328 00:33:57,537 --> 00:34:00,273 FLAWLESS BAGUETTES AND * * THE ORANGE RICHAR I JUST HAD BUST DOWN 329 00:34:00,273 --> 00:34:02,942 A CANTALOUPE WANT BEEF AND * * I'M TRYNA BE VEGA 330 00:34:02,942 --> 00:34:06,212 BUT IT BAE BRING A CAN OF SMOKE I CAN'T SEE IN * 331 00:34:06,212 --> 00:34:07,814 * THE GLASSES STORE SLIDIN' IN THE COUPE IN THE BAC 332 00:34:07,814 --> 00:34:10,517 SMOKE OUT THE BAG * * TOO BIG FOR A SAC DO YOU SEE HER BABY HAIR 333 00:34:10,517 --> 00:34:13,186 GROWING DOWN HER BAC SHAWTY LOOK JUST LIK A TWO-YEAR-OLD BRAT * 334 00:34:13,186 --> 00:34:16,423 * JUST LIKE A RECOR GET SCRATCHE Y'ALL RATS DISPATC 335 00:34:16,423 --> 00:34:21,828 I GOT FOUR BLACKS * * IN HER BACK I'M DAD PLAYER WHERE YOU FRO 336 00:34:21,828 --> 00:34:23,463 TALK 'BOUT THE TRENCHE I CAME OUT THE TRENCHES * * I CAME FROM THE ROACHES 337 00:34:23,463 --> 00:34:26,700 I CAME FROM THE RICHES I'M FROM WHERE THEY CALL YOU A RAT IF YOU SNITCHIN' * 338 00:34:26,700 --> 00:34:29,969 * I CAME FROM THE SAM STREET AS THE PIMP I I'M RAISED BY THEM JUNKIES 339 00:34:29,969 --> 00:34:31,571 WE SLEEP WITH THEM * * YOUNG CAME FROM NOTHIN' HE'LL GIVE UP HIS KIDNEY 340 00:34:31,571 --> 00:34:35,875 BUT SAINT LAURENT STILL TRYN CEASE-AND-DESIST IT WOO * * SAY, "HOW DO YOU KEEP 341 00:34:35,875 --> 00:34:37,477 UP WITH MILLIONS I'M STRAIGHT OUT THE TRENCHES WOO * 342 00:34:37,477 --> 00:34:40,747 * SAY LET GO THEY WE TREATIN' THEM RIGHT AND WE GRANTIN' THEY WISHES WO 343 00:34:40,747 --> 00:34:46,653 I WAS A CAPO IN MY * * HOOD WAY 'FORE PLAQUE OR A MENTIO 344 00:34:46,653 --> 00:34:48,254 HE CAN GET HIT WIT THE 'STENSION * * SHOT FOR THE FO 345 00:34:48,254 --> 00:34:49,889 BUT I MISSED I TICK TOCK TICK TOC TEN SHOTS TO YOUR SIDE * 346 00:34:49,889 --> 00:34:56,896 * LIKE TICK TOC WHEN I BOW DOWN TO M IT COME WITH A BIG ROC 347 00:34:56,896 --> 00:35:00,700 DO YOU WAN' KNOW HOW IT IS * * WHEN YOU A BIG DAWG YOU MIGHT GOT TO 348 00:35:00,700 --> 00:35:14,047 YOU MIGHT GOT TO TAKE THE ASSIS LET YOUR DAWG GET * 349 00:35:47,213 --> 00:35:57,957 COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE THANK YOU GOOD EVENING 350 00:35:57,957 --> 00:36:01,194 WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE," I'M MICHAEL CHE. I'M COLIN JOST. 351 00:36:01,194 --> 00:36:05,565 THE BIDEN ADMINISTRATION'S CLIMATE PLAN IS LIKELY TO BE DROPPED FROM THE BUDGET BILL 352 00:36:05,565 --> 00:36:10,403 AFTER SENATOR JOE MANCHIN REFUSED TO SUPPORT IT. I'M NOT GOING TO LET SOME BAD 353 00:36:10,403 --> 00:36:17,444 CLIMATE NEWS RUIN THIS BEAUTIFUL 80 DEGREE OCTOBER DAY. MANCHIN, WHO'S FROM WEST 354 00:36:17,444 --> 00:36:20,780 VIRGINIA, SAID HE WOULD ONLY AGREE TO BIDEN'S BILL IF IT CUTS CLEAN ENERGY AND OFFICIALLY 355 00:36:20,780 --> 00:36:28,221 MAKES COAL ONE OF THE FIVE FOOD GROUPS A NEW REPORT SHOWS THAT 356 00:36:28,221 --> 00:36:32,058 PRESIDENT BIDEN IS ON AVERAGE 22 MINUTES LATE FOR PUBLIC EVENTS 357 00:36:32,058 --> 00:36:39,132 WORSE, HE ONLY DOES IT TO APPEAL TO BLACK VOTERS. THE BROOKLYN NETS HAVE 358 00:36:39,132 --> 00:36:43,470 BENCHED STAR PLAYER KYRIE IRVING FROM THE TEAM UNTIL HE'S FINALLY VACCINATED 359 00:36:43,470 --> 00:36:55,515 AND AS A NEW YORK SPORTS FAN I HOPE THIS DECISION FINALLY FORCES KYRIE TO DO THE RIGHT 360 00:36:55,515 --> 00:37:01,454 THING AND BUY A FAKE VACCINATION CARD LOGISTICAL DELAYS CAUSED BY 361 00:37:01,454 --> 00:37:03,223 WORKER SHORTAGES AND COVID OUTBREAKS HAVE DOUBLED THE TIME IT TAKES FOR SOME PRODUCTS TO 362 00:37:03,223 --> 00:37:10,797 GET FROM ASIA TO THE U.S THIS MIGHT SOUND CRAZY, BUT COULD WE USE BATS? 363 00:37:10,797 --> 00:37:15,168 'CAUSE THE LAST TIME THEY PUT SOMETHING IN BATS, IT GOT EVERYWHERE REAL QUICK. 364 00:37:15,168 --> 00:37:18,938 OH, YOU'RE PRO-BAT HERE? OKAY TRANSPORTATION SECRETARY 365 00:37:18,938 --> 00:37:22,175 PETE BUTTIGIEG IS BEING CRITICIZED FOR REMAINING ON PATERNITY LEAVE WITH HIS HUSBAND 366 00:37:22,175 --> 00:37:27,047 AND CHILD WHILE SUPPLY CHAIN PROBLEMS THREATEN THE HOLIDAY SHOPPING SEASON. 367 00:37:27,047 --> 00:37:41,594 SAID CONSERVATIVES, SEE, YOU LET GAY COUPLES HAVE KIDS AND GOD CANCELS CHRISTMAS. 368 00:37:41,594 --> 00:37:44,864 A NEW STUDY SHOWS THAT CORONAVIRUS CAN CAUSE INFERTILITY IN MEN 369 00:37:44,864 --> 00:37:46,966 SO IT'S NOT ALL BAD. I DON'T KNOW WHY IT CUTS TO ME ON THAT 370 00:37:46,966 --> 00:38:04,150 I DON'T KNOW WHY IT CUTS TO ME ON THAT BUT, OKAY. 371 00:38:08,688 --> 00:38:15,161 DOES ANYONE WANT TO BE JUDGED BY THEIR OLD E-MAILS? IF YOU COULD SEE HALF THE 372 00:38:15,161 --> 00:38:21,468 E-MAILS CHE SENDS ME ACTUALLY, I'LL SHOW YOU ONE. THE SUBLINE IS LISTEN UP, HONKY. 373 00:38:21,468 --> 00:38:29,142 THEN THE BODY OF THE E-MAIL JUST SAYS I WISH THEY GOT YOU INSTEAD OF HARAMBO 374 00:38:29,142 --> 00:38:35,281 SO YOU DID GET THAT ONE COLIN KAEPERNICK REVEALED THAT HE HAS MAINTAINED HIS 375 00:38:35,281 --> 00:38:36,850 5:00 A.M. TRAINING REGIMEN IN CASE HE GETS CALLED BACK UP TO THE NFL. 376 00:38:36,850 --> 00:38:40,086 BUT THE GIANTS ARE STILL GOING TO STICK WITH THEIR CURRENT QUARTERBACK, A SCARECROW ON A 377 00:38:40,086 --> 00:38:46,059 ROOMBA A PHOTO OF TIMOTHEE CHALAMET A PHOTO OF TIMOTHEE CHALAMET 378 00:38:46,059 --> 00:38:53,566 AS WILLY WONKA IN AN UPCOMING PREQUEL TO "CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY" WENT VIRAL 379 00:38:53,566 --> 00:38:59,506 THIS WEEK WITH MANY ON SOCIAL MEDIA CALLING HIM A TWINK WILLY WONKA. 380 00:38:59,506 --> 00:39:09,215 HERE TO COMMENT IS A PROUD GAY OOMPA LOOMPA HEY 381 00:39:09,215 --> 00:39:13,019 HI OKAY, WAIT HOW DID YOU JUST INTRODUCE ME? 382 00:39:13,019 --> 00:39:16,790 AS A PROUD GAY OOMPA LOOMPA OH MY GOD, THANK YOU. I'M SORRY, IS THAT NOT 383 00:39:16,790 --> 00:39:19,526 CORRECT? NO, NO, IT'S CORRECT, YOU JUST OUTED ME ON NATIONAL 384 00:39:19,526 --> 00:39:27,133 TELEVISION OH MY GOD - DON'T GET MAD, IT'S FINE. 385 00:39:27,133 --> 00:39:35,208 I CAME HERE TO MAKE A STATEMENT ON OUR IMPENDING FACTORY STRIKE. BUT NOW I GUESS I GOT TO CALL MY 386 00:39:35,208 --> 00:39:39,512 PARENTS. WHEN DOES THIS AIR OH, IT'S LIVE 387 00:39:39,512 --> 00:39:45,418 IT'S LIVE OKAY WOW. 388 00:39:45,418 --> 00:39:49,823 I SHOULD PROBABLY READ MY THING, OKAY WELL, WITH ALL THE RECENT 389 00:39:49,823 --> 00:39:53,593 COVERAGE OF AN ATTRACTIVE YOUNG WONKA IS SCRUMP-DIDDLY-UMPTIOUS, WHAT'S NOT SO 390 00:39:53,593 --> 00:40:04,004 SCRUMP-DIDDLY-UMPTIOUS ARE THE UNSAFE WORKING COMPANIES THAT HIS WORKERS -- OH, BOY 391 00:40:04,004 --> 00:40:06,072 ARE YOU OKAY? SORRY, I'M JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW MY PARENTS SAW THAT MY 392 00:40:06,072 --> 00:40:07,707 PHONE BACKGROUND AS PICTURE OF LAURA DERN, AND I LET THEM THINK SHE'S MY WIFE. 393 00:40:07,707 --> 00:40:13,613 THEY'RE NOT NEGATIVE THEY LIVE IN LOOMPA LAND, THEY JUST GOT "WILL & GRACE." 394 00:40:13,613 --> 00:40:24,224 IT'S GOING TO BE A CONVERSATION. WE CAN STOP IF YOU WANT NO, IT'S FINE 395 00:40:24,224 --> 00:40:30,430 THIS TWING WONKA OR TWONKA, MA LOOK AS YUMMY AS LICKABLE WALLPAPER. 396 00:40:30,430 --> 00:40:36,970 BUT MAKE NO MISTAKE, HE IS NOTHING MORE THAN -- ACTUALLY, I'M GOING TO GO OFF 397 00:40:36,970 --> 00:40:38,605 SCRIPT BECAUSE A CLOSETED PERSON WROTE THIS POINT BLANK, THE MAN DON'T KNOW 398 00:40:38,605 --> 00:40:40,273 HOW TO MAKE CHOCOLATE, OKAY? HE'S A VISIONARY WHO'S NEVER TOUCHED A MACHINE, HE JUST 399 00:40:40,273 --> 00:40:46,680 TUMBLES INTO THE INVENTING ROOM AND SAYS SOMETHING LIKE, "WHAT ABOUT A SODA THAT MAKES YOU 400 00:40:46,680 --> 00:40:55,355 FLY? MEANWHILE WE'RE UP ALL NIGHT REHEARSING THE LITTLE SONG AND 401 00:40:55,355 --> 00:41:10,437 DANCE WE DO WHEN A CHILD DIES. THE WHOLE THING IS SICK. MAN 402 00:41:10,437 --> 00:41:13,073 WELL, I GUESS YOU'RE NOT EXCITED ABOUT THIS NEW WONKA I'M SORRY, DO I JUST -- GIVE 403 00:41:13,073 --> 00:41:14,708 OFF A GAY VIBE OR SOMETHING? LIKE WHAT ABOUT THIS SEEMS GAY TO YOU 404 00:41:14,708 --> 00:41:16,309 I MEAN, THERE'S A LOT OF PRODUCT IN YOUR HAIR OKAY. 405 00:41:16,309 --> 00:41:20,647 AND YOU JUST STEPPED OUT OF THE SHOWER LIKE THAT WITH YOURS? OKAY. 406 00:41:20,647 --> 00:41:31,558 OKAY, WOW, I'M BEING A BITCH. HONKSLY, IT DOES FEEL NICE TO BE OUT. 407 00:41:31,558 --> 00:41:35,795 NOW THAT I'M OUT OF THE CLOSET, MAYBE YOU CAN COME OUT, TOO, COLIN. 408 00:41:35,795 --> 00:41:37,997 OH, NO, I'M NOT GAY. SORRY, GIRLS, I TRIED A PROUD GAY OOMPA LOOMPA, 409 00:41:37,997 --> 00:41:47,140 EVERYONE EXPERTS SAY THAT BY 2026, EXPERTS SAY THAT BY 2026, 410 00:41:47,140 --> 00:41:51,411 DISNEY PLUS WILL SURPASS NETFLIX TO BECOME THE TOP STREAMING PLATFORM IN THE WORLD. 411 00:41:51,411 --> 00:42:02,722 "NOT SO FAST," SAID PORN HUB DC COMICS ANNOUNCED THE NEW SUPERMAN WILL BE BISEXUAL. 412 00:42:02,722 --> 00:42:09,763 THEY ALSO ANNOUNCED THAT THE RIDDLER HAS ALWAYS BEEN DOWN FOR WHATEVER 413 00:42:09,763 --> 00:42:17,837 A CALIFORNIA RANCH, ONCE OWNED BY RONALD REAGAN, IS BEING THREATENED BY A LARGE WILDFIRE 414 00:42:17,837 --> 00:42:20,573 CREWS ARE HOPING TO PUT OUT THE BLAZE BY POURING WATER ONTO A NEARBY HILL AND HOPING IT 415 00:42:20,573 --> 00:42:37,090 TRICKLES DOWN. ECONOMICS AN ECONOMIC JOKE 416 00:42:37,090 --> 00:42:38,758 MUSIC COMMENTATORS ARE NOTING THAT UPCOMING RELEASES FROM TAYLOR SWIFT AND ADELE 417 00:42:38,758 --> 00:42:40,260 SIGNAL A SHIFT IN THE INDUSTRY FROM HOT GIRL SUMMER TO SAD GIRL AUTUMN 418 00:42:40,260 --> 00:42:58,211 AUTUMN WHICH IS FOLLOWED AS ALWAYS BY MESSY DIVA CHRISTMAS 419 00:43:09,756 --> 00:43:19,466 THEY WILL NO LONGER PLAY THEIR 1971 RECORD "BROWN SUGAR." SOMETHING I WISH I'D KNOWN 420 00:43:19,466 --> 00:43:35,448 1971 RECORD "BROWN SUGAR." SOMETHING I WISH I'D KNOWN SOMETHING I WISH I'D KNOWN 421 00:43:39,853 --> 00:43:43,089 UP HERE EVERY \SATURDAY KEEPING US INFORMED IS IMPORTANT, BRO. BUT CHE, WHEN DO YOU TAKE A 422 00:43:43,089 --> 00:43:49,662 MOMENT TO TALK ABOUT THE IMPORTANT UNIMPORTANT THINGS, BROTHER? 423 00:43:49,662 --> 00:43:56,302 WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT? YOU KNOW, THE STUFF LIKE MOST PEOPLE DON'T TALK ABOUT BECAUSE 424 00:43:56,302 --> 00:43:58,238 TECHNICALLY IT DON'T MATTER. HERE LET ME TAKE A MOMENT REAL QUICK. 425 00:43:58,238 --> 00:44:00,440 HIT ME * ALL THAT TALK ABOUT DEBT CEILING 426 00:44:00,440 --> 00:44:02,609 AND CLIMATE CHANGE, BUT NOBODY TALKS ABOUT THE FACT THAT NOT A SINGLE PERSON HERE KNOWS A 427 00:44:02,609 --> 00:44:04,244 PERSON THAT DRIVES OR OPERATES A BLIMP. A BLIMP 428 00:44:04,244 --> 00:44:09,082 YES, A BLIMP. LIKE, WHY DO WE NOT KNOW WHO DRIVES THAT? 429 00:44:09,082 --> 00:44:17,957 WHEN SOMEONE SAYS, I'M A DRIVER. YOU DON'T SAY, OH, CAR OR BLIMP? WHO'S DRIVING THESE THINGS 430 00:44:17,957 --> 00:44:23,930 THEY COULD FLY A PLANE OR A JET. NO, I WANT TO FLY A SLOW-ASS DILDO ACROSS THE SKY 431 00:44:23,930 --> 00:44:25,665 I KNOW MORE CRACKHEADS BY NAME THAN I KNOW BLIMP DRIVERS. THAT'S A REAL -- ACTUALLY, ALL 432 00:44:25,665 --> 00:44:32,772 ACROSS THE COUNTRY, NOT ONE PERSON KNOWS A BLIMP DRIVER. THIS MIGHT BE A DUMB QUESTION, 433 00:44:32,772 --> 00:44:36,843 BUT ARE WE SURE BLIMPS ARE REAL? I'M PRETTY SURE THEY'RE REAL, CHRIS. 434 00:44:36,843 --> 00:44:39,079 EXACTLY PRETTY SURE. I'VE NEVER HEARD A COMING OF AGE 435 00:44:39,079 --> 00:44:51,358 STORY ABOUT A BLIMP DRIVER HOLD ON, CHRIS, THIS WASN'T THE PLAN 436 00:44:51,358 --> 00:44:53,126 WHAT? WEREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO BE TALKING ABOUT THE LAST TIME YOU 437 00:44:53,126 --> 00:44:54,594 WERE UP HERE NO. AND THAT THING YOU SAID 438 00:44:54,594 --> 00:44:56,863 I DON'T THINK SO, I THINK I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE TALKING ABOUT -- WHY IS EVERYBODY SO MAD 439 00:44:56,863 --> 00:44:59,499 ABOUT SUPERMAN'S SON IN THE COMICS BEING A LITTLE BI-SEX BOY NOW? 440 00:44:59,499 --> 00:45:04,404 WHAT A WASTE OF TIME THAT IS HE'S NOT REAL. AND I DON'T CARE WHAT REAL 441 00:45:04,404 --> 00:45:09,209 PEOPLE DO WITH THEIR SEX SO WHY WOULD I CARE ABOUT A STENCIL, DOG 442 00:45:09,209 --> 00:45:14,047 THERE HAS TO BE SOMETHING FOR EVERYBODY, SO TREAT LIFE LIKE A PORN HUB SELECTION 443 00:45:14,047 --> 00:45:17,851 IF IT AIN'T FOR YOU, DON'T CLICK THE TAB. ANYWAY, WHAT PORN YOU WATCH, 444 00:45:17,851 --> 00:45:28,795 CHE? WE'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT PORN, CHRIS. 445 00:45:28,795 --> 00:45:30,196 ME NEITHER, YOU RIGHT MY PORN-WATCHING DAYS ARE OVER, MAN. 446 00:45:30,196 --> 00:45:31,831 BECAUSE I THOUGHT AN AMOUNT OF FEEDBACK, LIKE THE PASSION IN YOUR EYES. 447 00:45:31,831 --> 00:45:38,538 ANYWAY, WILLIAM SHATNER WENT TO HEY, COLIN, CAN I SMOKE IN YOUR HOUSE? 448 00:45:38,538 --> 00:45:40,140 I HAVE A BABY OH, THAT'S RIGHT. CONGRATULATIONS AGAIN ON LITTLE 449 00:45:40,140 --> 00:45:45,945 BABY CLETUS. YOU KNOW THAT'S NOT HIS NAME. I'VE SENT YOU PICTURES 450 00:45:45,945 --> 00:45:54,087 I GET A LOT OF PICTURES, COLIN. I ONLY REMEMBER THE BOOBIES. 451 00:45:54,087 --> 00:45:55,622 CHRIS, CHRIS. THAT'S ENOUGH. LET'S TALK ABOUT THE LAST TIME 452 00:45:55,622 --> 00:45:57,157 YOU WERE HERE, MAN DAMN, ALL RIGHT, MAN. ROLL THE DAMN CLIP 453 00:45:57,157 --> 00:46:02,595 CHRIS REDD, EVERYONE! BLACK PEOPLE CAN'T GET THE CORONAVIRUS! 454 00:46:02,595 --> 00:46:09,135 OKAY. SO IT DIDN'T HOLD UP GREAT I'M NOT SURE PEOPLE CAUGHT 455 00:46:09,135 --> 00:46:14,407 THAT CLIP FROM FEBRUARY 2020 PLEASE ROLL IT AGAIN BLACK PEOPLE CAN'T GET THE 456 00:46:14,407 --> 00:46:24,951 CORONAVIRUS! OK. IN MY DEFENSE, I WAS SAYING 457 00:46:24,951 --> 00:46:29,155 SOMETHING CRAZY. I'M NOT A SCIENTIST. THIS IS LIKE HIGH SCHOOL, BUT 458 00:46:29,155 --> 00:46:33,059 YOU CAN HAVE SEX WITH YOUR TEACHER. WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? 459 00:46:33,059 --> 00:46:42,068 I'M PRETTY SURE YOU ACTUALLY CAN'T, MAN OH. 460 00:46:42,068 --> 00:46:45,839 THAT'S CHRIS REDD WITH VERY IMPORTANT UNIMPORTANT NEWS NOT ENOUGH PEOPLE ARE TALKING 461 00:46:45,839 --> 00:46:49,609 ABOUT IT, Y'ALL! OFFICIALS WITH WAYMO, A OFFICIALS WITH WAYMO, A 462 00:46:49,609 --> 00:46:55,548 SELF-DRIVING TAXI SERVICE, SAY THAT AFTER A YEAR THE ROBO TAXIS STILL HAVE TROUBLE WITH LEFT 463 00:46:55,548 --> 00:47:02,022 TURNS AND PUDDLES. WHICH EXPLAINS WAYMO'S SLOGAN, "LET'S GET IN WAYMO ACCIDENTS. 464 00:47:02,022 --> 00:47:06,860 A WOMAN IN ARIZONA GAVE BIRTH TO A 14-POUND BABY BOY SO NOW ARIZONA HAS TWO GRAND 465 00:47:06,860 --> 00:47:20,707 CANYONS. IN THE MATH BOOK DOESN'T GET IT 466 00:47:20,707 --> 00:47:26,379 OH, MY GOD OH ONE OF HUGH HEFNER'S GIRL 467 00:47:26,379 --> 00:47:34,754 FRIENDS SAID THE PLAY BOY MANSION WAS HAUNTED. IF YOU TURN ON A BLACK LIGHT YOU 468 00:47:34,754 --> 00:47:42,629 SEE ET CETERAO PLAS EMEVERYWHERE A BRITISH WOMAN WAS SHOCKED 469 00:47:42,629 --> 00:47:44,230 WHEN SHE DISCOVERED A FOUR-FOOT-LONG PYTHON IN HER FOUR-FOOT-LONG PYTHON IN HER 470 00:47:44,230 --> 00:47:48,702 TOILET BUT HEY, THAT'S INDIAN FOOD FOR YOU. 471 00:47:48,702 --> 00:47:54,107 YOU'LL GO BACK TO THE GRAND CANYON JOKE, YEAH. A NEW STAGE SHOW FROM 472 00:47:54,107 --> 00:47:56,142 WORLD-RENOWNED HYPNOTIST LINUS MINUS IS QUICKLY BECOMING THE TALK OF BROADWAY'S REOPENING 473 00:47:56,142 --> 00:48:02,048 HERE WITH MORE IS LINUS MINUS AND HIS VOLUNTEER, ROY HI, THERE 474 00:48:02,048 --> 00:48:07,487 HI, THERE, COLIN YES, I FOUND A VOLUNTEER TO BE HYPNOTIZED ON YOUR SHOW. 475 00:48:07,487 --> 00:48:10,256 HE'S A MEMBER OF YOUR SECURITY STAFF HERE AT "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE." 476 00:48:10,256 --> 00:48:15,095 OH, YEAH, YEAH. HEY, ROY, HOW YOU FEELING? NERVOUS? 477 00:48:15,095 --> 00:48:20,533 OH, MAN, COME ON, NOW THIS LITTLE SILLY MAGIC STUFF AIN'T GOING TO WORK ON ME, JACK. 478 00:48:20,533 --> 00:48:25,405 HUMOR ME, ROY, AND IMAGINE YOURSELF ON A CLOUD, ROY AND AS I COUNT DOWN FROM FIVE, 479 00:48:25,405 --> 00:48:32,379 YOU SLIP FURTHER INTO THE CLOUD, ROY. FIVE, FOUR, YOU'RE FALLING, 480 00:48:32,379 --> 00:48:40,520 THREE, TWO, DEEPER ROY, ONE, AND SLIP ALL RIGHT, NOW, ROY IS IN A 481 00:48:40,520 --> 00:48:46,826 STATE OF SUGGESTIVE HYPNOSIS, MEANING -- OK. OH, DEAR 482 00:48:46,826 --> 00:48:53,199 J IS EVERYTHING OK I THINK HE WAS A LITTLE TOO RELAXED AND HE TINGLED JUST A 483 00:48:53,199 --> 00:49:01,041 LITTLE BIT I APOLOGIZE BUTWE'LL HAVE TO ACCOUNTED THIS SHORT 484 00:49:01,041 --> 00:49:05,378 ROY, WHEN YOU HEAR WAKE, YOU WILL RETURN TO A STATE OF ACTIVE CONSCIOUSNESS. 485 00:49:05,378 --> 00:49:11,685 AND WAKE HEY, MAN. WHY ARE MY PANTS WET 486 00:49:11,685 --> 00:49:17,123 YOU MADE ME PISS MYSELF ON LIVE TV SLEEP 487 00:49:17,123 --> 00:49:22,529 WHY DID YOU PUT HIM TO SLEEP AGAIN? WELL -- HE GRABBED ME 488 00:49:22,529 --> 00:49:34,040 AND I FELT A LITTLE BIT SCARED FOR MY LIFE. ROY, WHEN YOU HEAR "WAKE" YOU 489 00:49:34,040 --> 00:49:40,880 WILL NOT BE ANGRY ABOUT WHAT'S GOING ON IN YOUR PANTS, YOU WILL BE HAPPY ABOUT IT, AND WAKE! 490 00:49:40,880 --> 00:49:48,421 OH, WHAT YOU DOING FEELS SO GOOD, ZENDAYA! SLEEP 491 00:49:48,421 --> 00:49:57,097 ROY MADE THE SOURCE OF HAPPINESS IN HIS PANTS A SEXUAL FANTASY WITH ZENDAYA 492 00:49:57,097 --> 00:49:58,865 I FEEL LIKE YOU SHOULD GET ROY OFFSTAGE THAT'S WHAT I'M TRYING TO DO, 493 00:49:58,865 --> 00:50:02,535 COLIN. ROY, WHEN YOU HEAR "WAKE," ZENDAYA IS GONE. 494 00:50:02,535 --> 00:50:07,941 ZENDAYA IS NOT HERE. AND WAKE WHAT HAPPENED TO ZENDAYA? 495 00:50:07,941 --> 00:50:14,914 WHAT'D YOU DO TO ZENDAYA, YOU SON OF A BITCH ROY 496 00:50:14,914 --> 00:50:27,827 ROY? I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING TO ZENDAYA. I AM NOT THE REASON ZENDAYA 497 00:50:27,827 --> 00:50:31,598 ISN'T HERE AND WAKE OH, NO, I KILLED ZENDAYA! 498 00:50:31,598 --> 00:50:41,841 AND I PEED MY PANTS! HELP, HELP GO TO SLEEP 499 00:50:41,841 --> 00:50:47,814 OK ONE MORE TIME. ROY, UNWAKE YOUR PANTS ARE NOT 500 00:50:47,814 --> 00:50:50,784 WET. THEY'RE DRY. ZENDAYA IS NOT HERE, BUT ZENDAYA 501 00:50:50,784 --> 00:50:59,125 IS ALIVE AND SAFE. YOU ARE CALM, YOU'RE JUST HERE DOING A NORMAL JOB WHAT YOU DO 502 00:50:59,125 --> 00:51:04,464 EVERY SATURDAY HERE AT "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE." AND WAKE 503 00:51:04,464 --> 00:51:06,132 AND HOW DO YOU FEEL, ROY? GREAT I SHOULD GET BACK TO WORK, 504 00:51:06,132 --> 00:51:09,869 THOUGH HEY, MICHAEL CHE, PLEASE TELL THEM STRIPPERS IN YOUR DRESSING 505 00:51:09,869 --> 00:51:14,708 ROOM TO PUT ON A MASK. HEY, SLEEP! LINUS MINUS AND ROY, 506 00:51:14,708 --> 00:51:17,911 EVERYONE I'M MICHAEL CHE I'M COLIN JOST. 507 00:51:17,911 --> 00:51:20,080 I'M MICHAEL CHE I'M COLIN JOST. GOOD NIGHT 508 00:51:31,791 --> 00:51:36,663 YEAH. IS IT -- IS IT TOO SOFT? I MEAN, LOOK AT ME 509 00:51:36,663 --> 00:51:41,001 I FEEL LIKE GOLDILOCKS HI, CAN I HELP YOU FOLKS OUT WITH ANYTHING? 510 00:51:41,001 --> 00:51:44,304 YEAH, WELL, WE'RE LOOKING FOR A MATTRESS BUT WE'RE TORN BETWEEN THESE 511 00:51:44,304 --> 00:51:46,573 TWO. WELL, IT IS A BIG DECISION. WE DO SPEND A THIRD OF OUR LIVES 512 00:51:46,573 --> 00:51:53,480 IN BED WOW, THAT IS SO, SO TRUE. HONEY, WHY DON'T WE TRY IT OUT 513 00:51:53,480 --> 00:51:59,452 SO WE CAN SEE, LIKE, HOW IT WOULD REALLY FEEL? YEAH, YEAH. 514 00:51:59,452 --> 00:52:01,588 SOMETIMES I GET HOME LATE FROM WORK AND IT WAKES HER UP OH, SURE. 515 00:52:01,588 --> 00:52:07,060 WELL, TRY IT OUT, YOU'LL BARELY FEEL ANY MOVEMENT. GO AHEAD 516 00:52:07,060 --> 00:52:15,602 WELL, WELL, WELL. LOOK WHO'S FINALLY HOME. WHERE WERE YOU 517 00:52:15,602 --> 00:52:22,642 WELL, DENISE, YOU'RE AWAKE. I AM, AND YOU REEK OF VERMOUTH AND WHORES. 518 00:52:22,642 --> 00:52:29,149 CAN WE NOT DO THIS TONIGHT? OH, OH, SO I'M THE PROBLEM? GO TO HELL 519 00:52:29,149 --> 00:52:34,554 THIS FEELS GOOD, RIGHT I LOVE IT. YES, THIS IS REALLY 520 00:52:34,554 --> 00:52:43,296 COMFORTABLE. OKAY. YEAH, I CAN REALLY PICTURE US 521 00:52:43,296 --> 00:52:47,467 ON THIS. YEAH. GOOD NIGHT, MY LOVE 522 00:52:47,467 --> 00:52:55,575 GOOD NIGHT. YOU WERE BEING WEIRD AT THE PARTY TONIGHT. 523 00:52:55,575 --> 00:53:08,521 I WAS HAVING FUN. YOU WERE TALKING TO ANDREA! nd ANDREA IS A BITCH 524 00:53:08,521 --> 00:53:15,895 AM I ON TRIAL, YOU NAGGING SHREW. THIS IS NICE. 525 00:53:15,895 --> 00:53:20,166 HONESTLY, I ALMOST FELL ASLEEP NO. 526 00:53:20,166 --> 00:53:24,537 YOU GUYS WERE DOING A LITTLE PLAY WE JUST WANT TO MAKE SURE THE 527 00:53:24,537 --> 00:53:29,642 MATTRESS IS PERFECT. LIKE YOU SAID, WE SPEND SOME THREE THIRDS IN OUR LIVES IN 528 00:53:29,642 --> 00:53:36,216 BED. THAT IS NOT WHAT I SAID HONEY, LET'S TRY THE OTHER 529 00:53:36,216 --> 00:53:49,429 ONE. RICHARD, NO I'M TIRED. 530 00:53:49,429 --> 00:53:55,235 EALLY YOU'VE BEEN TIRED FOR A MONTH, DENISE 531 00:53:55,235 --> 00:54:13,486 WHATEVER, GOOD NIGHT OH, DENISE. OH, YOU ARE DRIVING ME WILD 532 00:54:13,486 --> 00:54:15,488 RIGHT NOW. RICHARD - THIS NIGHTGOWN. 533 00:54:15,488 --> 00:54:28,735 RICHARD, NO HOT LADY GETS BELT ATTENTION YOU'RE DISGUSTING 534 00:54:28,735 --> 00:54:39,112 OH, YEAH WE LOVE THIS ONE LOVE THIS ONE 535 00:54:39,112 --> 00:54:51,458 YEAH, I FEEL LIKE I'M LYING ON A CLOUD. SO WHAT DO WE THINK 536 00:54:51,458 --> 00:54:54,160 HELLO? YOU GUYS ASLEEP? AAHH! 537 00:54:54,160 --> 00:55:03,937 THERE'S SOMEONE IN THE HOUSE I'LL GET THE GUN! WHEN DID YOU PUT BACK THERE 538 00:55:03,937 --> 00:55:08,775 NO, RICHARD, NOT THAT GUN HERE USE THE KILLING GUN! 539 00:55:08,775 --> 00:55:14,214 GOOD THINKING, DENISE BANG! BANG 540 00:55:14,214 --> 00:55:16,316 OH MY GOD, YOU KILLED THE INTRUDER YOU PROTECTED ME 541 00:55:16,316 --> 00:55:25,759 OH, DAMMIT, I'M SO HORNY FOR YOU. YOU COME TO ME. 542 00:55:25,759 --> 00:55:31,498 YES DO ME LIKE I'M IN ADULT DETENTION. 543 00:55:31,498 --> 00:55:33,633 ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ENOUGH, ENOUGH, ENOUGH PLEASE, DO YOU WANT TO BUY THIS 544 00:55:33,633 --> 00:55:39,572 MATTRESS OR WHAT OH, GOD OH, GOD. 545 00:55:39,572 --> 00:55:45,512 THE INTRUDER'S STILL ALIVE AND HE HAS YOUR GUN! BANG 546 00:55:45,512 --> 00:55:52,085 OH! OH, I'M HIT! NO, RICHARD 547 00:55:52,085 --> 00:56:02,328 GOOD-BYE, DENISE. I LOVE YOU OH, YOU SAVED ME. 548 00:56:02,328 --> 00:56:08,301 BUT I'M SO HORNY OH, BUT MY HUSBAND IS DEAD, HE'S DEAD IN OUR BED FROM SLEEPYTOWN! 549 00:56:08,301 --> 00:56:14,407 DEAD IN OUR BED FROM SLEEPYTOWN! SLEEPYTOWN USA. A BED FOR WIFE, A BED FOR LIFE 550 00:56:24,117 --> 00:56:55,448 ONCE AGAIN, YOUNG THUG. 551 00:56:55,448 --> 00:57:17,737 * * LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING * 552 00:57:17,737 --> 00:57:31,184 HOPE TO HEAR YOU COME AROUND ANY DAY * * I LOVE WHEN YOU CALL ME ABOUT 553 00:57:31,184 --> 00:57:50,370 ANYTHING * * * BECAUSE I BEC LOVE IE HOVE HOU 554 00:57:50,370 --> 00:57:55,909 * * BECAUSE I BEC LOVE IE HOVE HOU AND * 555 00:58:23,036 --> 00:58:32,712 YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING * * I LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING * 556 00:58:32,712 --> 00:59:12,018 * I LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHINGG * SEE ANYTHING * 557 00:59:12,485 --> 00:59:23,363 * ** * * I LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING 558 00:59:23,363 --> 00:59:41,781 * I LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING * I LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING * 559 00:59:55,061 --> 00:59:59,666 I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE HERE MY FRIENDS HAVE BEEN TRYING TO GET TICKETS FOR MONTHS 560 00:59:59,666 --> 01:00:04,838 HOW DID YOU GET THEM LET'S SAY I KNOW THE RIGHT PEOPLE AND I SPEND A 561 01:00:04,838 --> 01:00:08,408 RIDICULOUSLY LARGE AMOUNT OF MONEY ON THIS. HOWEVER YOU DID IT, YOU MADE 562 01:00:08,408 --> 01:00:15,348 MY YEAR. I CAN'T BELIEVE WE'RE GOING TO SEE ANGELO 563 01:00:15,348 --> 01:00:21,988 I NEVER HEARD OF HIM. HE'S AMAZING. THE REVIEW SAYS HE TAKES YOU 564 01:00:21,988 --> 01:00:25,658 ON A SPECTACULAR MUSICAL JOURNEY. APPARENTLY ALL HE NEEDS IS ONE 565 01:00:25,658 --> 01:00:32,999 WORD AND SONGS JUST FLOW OUT OF HIM. ONE WORD. 566 01:00:32,999 --> 01:00:51,951 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, INTERNATIONAL SINGING SENSATION, ANGELO 567 01:00:51,951 --> 01:00:53,620 HELLO, EVERYBODY. CAN I GET ONE WORD GO AHEAD, GIVE HIM A WORD 568 01:00:53,620 --> 01:00:56,823 OH, OKAY. BICYCLE! SAY FOR ME? 569 01:00:56,823 --> 01:01:16,242 BICYCLE SAY FOR ME? BICYCLE 570 01:01:16,242 --> 01:01:18,378 SECOND VERSE. * IF I LIGHT UP FOR M THIS ONE TONIGHT * 571 01:01:18,378 --> 01:01:27,787 THANK YOU SO MUCH I HE JUST CREATED THAT BEAUTIFUL SONG ON THE SPOT 572 01:01:27,787 --> 01:01:30,957 I GUESS I DIDN'T REALLY HEAR HIM SINGING ABOUT BICYCLES, THOUGH 573 01:01:30,957 --> 01:01:35,295 SHH, HERE WE GO CAN I GET ANOTHER WORD? GO AHEAD, LANCE, DO IT. 574 01:01:35,295 --> 01:01:39,599 WHAT, ME AGAIN? YES, YOU HAVE FUN OKAY. 575 01:01:39,599 --> 01:01:45,538 BANANA SAY FOR ME? BANANA. 576 01:01:45,538 --> 01:01:57,017 SAY -- SAY FOR ME AGAIN THAT'S NOT WHAT I'M SAYING. * IF ALLOWED I SING 577 01:01:57,017 --> 01:02:06,726 LIKE THIS FOR LONG TIM YOU SING LIKE THIS FOR ME TONIGHT * 578 01:02:06,726 --> 01:02:16,369 THANK YOU SO MUCH THIS IS WHAT HE ALWAYS DOES? I KNOW, IT'S AMAZING, RIGHT 579 01:02:16,369 --> 01:02:19,105 I MEAN, I REALLY -- I CAN'T UNDERSTAND HIM BECAUSE HE'S NOT FROM THIS 580 01:02:19,105 --> 01:02:22,475 COUNTRY, LANCE OKAY, WELL I'M NOT FROM THIS COUNTRY AND YOU CAN UNDERSTAND 581 01:02:22,475 --> 01:02:28,782 ME NO. I DON'T. 582 01:02:28,782 --> 01:02:38,825 AND NOW I BRING DANCE FOR THIS OH! 583 01:02:38,825 --> 01:02:42,095 OH, MY GOD IT'S TODD! WHO'S TODD? 584 01:02:42,095 --> 01:02:51,705 I READ ABOUT HIM. HE'S WHAT'S NEXT IN DANCE. OH, OH. 585 01:02:51,705 --> 01:02:53,340 * SOMETIMES WHEN IT ONE WORD * YES, ONE WORD 586 01:02:53,340 --> 01:03:04,651 ME AGAIN? ALL RIGHT. ROAD TRIP. 587 01:03:04,651 --> 01:03:10,623 SAY FOR ME? SAY FOR ME? ROAD TRIP 588 01:03:10,623 --> 01:03:12,258 SAY FOR ME? SAY FOR ME? OH, COME ON 589 01:03:12,258 --> 01:03:26,272 ROAD TRIP! * IF I LIGHT UP FOR M ANOTHER TIME 590 01:03:26,272 --> 01:03:54,401 IF I EVER SIT HERE * OH! THANK YOU FOR THIS. 591 01:03:54,401 --> 01:03:56,436 OH! ANGELO AND TODD! ON YOUR FIRST NIGHT. 592 01:03:56,436 --> 01:03:58,605 ALL THE STARS HAVE ALIGNED FOR US ARE YOU SURE? 593 01:03:58,605 --> 01:04:01,841 I MEAN, TODD -- HE SEEMS A BIT NERVOUS. WELL, THEY ARE TELLING THEIR 594 01:04:01,841 --> 01:04:05,578 STORY. IT'S ABOUT COMING HERE FROM A WAR-TORN COUNTRY 595 01:04:05,578 --> 01:04:08,281 BUT WHERE ARE YOU GETTING THAT WHAT COUNTRY ARE YOU TALKING 596 01:04:08,281 --> 01:04:14,287 ABOUT? A COUNTRY THAT -- ALL RIGHT, WELL THAT'S NOT A 597 01:04:14,287 --> 01:04:18,525 REAL PLACE OKAY, WE'VE TALKED ABOUT THIS 598 01:04:18,525 --> 01:04:24,964 YOU NEED TO GO INTO NEW SITUATIONS WITH AN OPEN HEART. I'M TRYING, OKAY? 599 01:04:24,964 --> 01:04:29,269 ANOTHER WORD FOR ONE? ONE SUGGEST ONE SUGGEST 600 01:04:29,269 --> 01:04:31,404 YOU KNOW WHAT FINE TRY THIS 601 01:04:31,404 --> 01:04:35,208 MESOTHELIOMA HUH? MESOTHELIOMA. 602 01:04:35,208 --> 01:04:41,181 MESOTHELIOMA. OH, WOW, THEY GOT THAT. THAT'S QUITE IMPRESSIVE, I 603 01:04:41,181 --> 01:04:48,755 SUPPOSE. WHY WHY IS THAT IMPRESSIVE 604 01:04:48,755 --> 01:04:58,431 * I WANT TO KNO WHAT LOVE IS I WANT YOU T 605 01:04:58,431 --> 01:05:00,100 SHOW ME WHAT LOVE IS * WOW WOW. 606 01:05:00,100 --> 01:05:01,735 WOW. NOW HE HAS RHYTHM. I GET THAT 607 01:05:01,735 --> 01:05:06,039 THAT'S BEAUTIFUL THAT'S REALLY BEAUTIFUL. YEAH 608 01:05:06,039 --> 01:05:16,850 * I WANT TO KNO WHAT LOVE IS I WANT YOU T 609 01:05:16,850 --> 01:05:27,694 SHOW ME * YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH! THAT'S WONDERFUL 610 01:05:27,694 --> 01:05:29,329 COME ON, PEOPLE, GIVE IT UP, GIVE IT UP LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ANGELO 611 01:05:29,329 --> 01:05:31,297 GIVE IT UP LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ANGELO AND TODD 612 01:05:42,676 --> 01:05:47,480 SUCH A THINK THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH OH 613 01:05:47,480 --> 01:06:01,327 I'LL NEVER FORGET IT THANK YOU TO YOUNG THUG. DANIEL CRAIG, TRAVIS BARKER, AND 614 01:06:01,327 --> 01:06:08,134 THANK YOU TO YOUNG THUG. DANIEL CRAIG, TRAVIS BARKER, AND ALL OF YOU 60743

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