All language subtitles for I.Bought.A.Vampire.Motorcycle.1990.1080p.BluRay.x265-RARBG

Thou, who dwelth beneath our feet,

release thy self

from thy evil seat.

Oh evil one in whom we trust

come forth now from out the dust.

Upon thy countenance we wish to gaze.

From hell to earth we wish to raise.

Come forth now oh prince of hell!

The time is nigh so, draw thee near.

From the bowels of Hades, now appear.

In whose name blood must be shed

arise oh ariman lord of the

surprise!

Well that's the last time
they're gonna picnic on our patch.

Alright, let's go.

Did you advertise a
slightly damaged commando?

Have you still got it?

Yeah.

I got a lot of people
interested in that one.

It's around the back
if you wanna purchase,

have to make your
mind up quick though

I've got a bloke coming back this
afternoon who's more than interested.

So what's the damage?

Foryou?

One and a half grand.

No I mean what's wrong with it?

Oh not much, a bit of
damage to the tank that's all.

Otherwise, one careful
owner, now deceased,

low mileage, full service
history, taxed, the usual stuff.

There she is.

Beaut

it's got a bloody great hole in it.

Like I said,
bit of damage to the tank.

Probably a stone on the motorway,

you know what these
roadworks are like.

Otherwise she's in
concourse condition.

It looks like a lot of work to me.

No, it's not as bad as it looks.

How much did you say it was?

To you?

One and a half grand.

One and a half grand's a
bit heavy for a crashed bike.

No, the bike's not been crashed.

The last owner didn't die on it.

Had an accident with a crossbow.

What's a" this stuff
on the engine block then?

Don't know.
It looks like HP sauce to me.

Alright I'll give you a grand for it.

Leave it out, I had to
pay more than that for it.

Nah, 1,500's the asking price.

- 1,100 cash.
- Done.

Oh right, well I'll pick it up
tonight, six o'clock then.

Right you are then, my son.

What did you say your name was?

Oddy, Nick oddy.

Me friends call me noddy.

Sorry, where's that to go?

Right, we'll send somebody
over to you right away.

Did you get it then?

Yep.

Clive, sorry to disturb you.

Gotta pick it up at six o'clock.

I'll have to ask buzzer
if I can borrow the Van.

Why, can't you ride it?

Well it needs a bit
of work done to it.

Oh god I hope you didn't
pay a fortune for it.

Hello warhead dispatch.

Six hundred quid.

How much?

Oi!

I'll go and tell Kim we're back.

Here we are, there it is.

What do you think?

It's not bad, not bad at all.

Fancy that hot and throbbing
between your legs do ya Kim?

Piss off buzzer.

It's got no petrol cap.

I swore it had one
when we picked it up.

Nah, nah it didn't, it never had no.

Oh, well give us a hand
to get it in the workshop

then we'll get started
on it straight away.

- Here.
- Oh ta.

- Here you go.
- Thanks Kim.

How's it going?

Well, it still needs a new tank

but we should be able to get it to turn
over with what's left in the fuel line.

Well come on, let's hear
it running then. - Yeah,

alright.

Hmm, very impressive.

You sure you got enough
fuel in there then?

Yeah there's definitely some.

Well maybe you got like a blockage
in the pipe or something eh?

I mean didn't you try and
start it up in the shop?

Well no, not really.

Oh god noddy sometimes
you're a complete plunker.

Look there's nothing wrong with
this bike it was a real bargain.

Oh yeah, you parted with 600
quid for a bike that won't start.

- How much?
- Well I had to knock him down a bit.

What with a sledge hammer?

Alright Einstein, never
mind about the price.

If you're so bloody
clever you get it started.

Alright, alright, don't
have a go at me or nothing.

I'll get it started alright,
we'll sort this out now.

Yeah I can see the problem,
I think I can fix it.

Ow, bollocks.

A cut.

- Are you alright?
- Yeah I'll live.

Come on then noddy, kick it over.

Yeah, see, I told you it was alright.

Yeah well it may sound alright
but does it actually go?

You can never bloody satisfy her.

Well I wouldn't mind having a go.

Morning.

What's big, hard and hairy
sticking out my pajamas?

Your head.

Don't you fancy a Donald?

Right, how about a nice cup of tea?

That be nice.

Good, make me one while
you're at it will you?

Oh look, here's the petrol cap.

Oh I knew there was one.

Buzzer probably took it for a joke.

Alright, alright I'm coming.

Hello warhead dispatch can I help you?

Oh you mean buzzer.

He's not been in any trouble has he?

Right.

We'll send someone over right away.

What's a" that about?

It's buzzer, he's had
some sort of an accident.

Not hurt is he?

Well they didn't really say.

They want someone
over at his house now.

Oh, right, well here I'll go.

And you look after the phones, okay?

- Right.
- Oh fuck.

Oh sorry there.

I'm sorry sir you can't go in there.

No I've had the phone call,
I work for warhead dispatch.

Oh well if you just wait here sir,
I'll have a word with the inspector.

Hello Mrs. Bancroft.

Oh, hello noddy.

What's happening here then?

A terrible noise woke us up
in the middle of the night.

Didn't bother about it though

because I thought he was
watching one of his video nasties

eh Burt, but when I come down
this morning to get me milk,

I saw that his door
was all smashed in.

God.

Well I said, that's a bit
odd so I called the old bill.

If you'll come this way sir
the inspector will see you now.

Holy shit.

What the fucks happened here?

Warhead dispatch?

Yeah.

I'm inspector cleaver.

Are you friends with Mr. Fraser?

Yeah, why, what's happened to him?

I'm afraid he's dead.

We're gonna need you
to identify the body.

We don't know yet.

You gonna have a look or not?

Yeah I'll have a butchers, cleaver.

Very funny.

What's your name then?

Oddy, Nick oddy.

Oddy

that but come on then.

Down here.

I have to tell ya,
it's not very pleasant.

That's buzzer alright.

I'd know his head anywhere.

What well we do think
there's a high probability.

So Mr. Oddy, when did you
last see the deceased?

Last night, he was round my house

helping me fix me new bike.

I don't know, about half past 10.

How did he seem then?

A lot better than he is now.

Not like old buzzer to go to pieces.

Did he have many enemies?

Yeah anyone who drove a taxi.

Owe money to anyone?

Um, only the inland revenue.

Right. Well no doubt we'll
have to talk to you again.

You gonna be okay?

Uh yeah, yeah I'll live.

Which is more than I can
say for poor old buzzer.

- What's that smell?
- What smell?

Don't know, it smells like garlic.

What's the matter?
Don't you like garlic?

Oh, yeah.

Fuckin' hell.

Here you go.

Does that tank look straight to you?

Hang on.

Noddy.

What's the matter?
Do you want me to move them.

Yes please.

Oh very funny, get off.

Well is the tank
straight or not?

Well it looks alright to me.

- How do you think it happened?
- What?

You know, buzzer.

Well, I think he probably died

cause somebody cut his head off.

Aren't you upset at all?

Not half as much as he is.

Well whoever did it must
have been bloody strong,

completely demolished the front door.

I think it's horrible.

I don't know how you can
go on working so calmly.

Well I'm not cause I've finished now.

Pass us that petrol can will ya?

Here you go.

Gonna take it for a spin in
a minute do you fancy coming?

No, no I'm not in the mood.

Suit yourself.

Oh noddy shit.

Here.

I'll take these and make
sure she doesn't stall.

Just gonna go and fetch me helmet.

Changed your mind?

No, no I was just giving it a rev.

Oh, shit!

Right, I'm gonna have
his nuts for earrings.

What's the matter?

I just nearly ran these
hell's angels off the road.

It's like the bike was out of control.

It's like it had a mind of it's own.

Well you were probably going to fast.

No, it was really weird.

I'll have to check
the steering tomorrow.

Do you wanna coffee?

No, I'll have something stronger.

Noddy you shouldn't
drink that stuff neat.

Oh, but it's the only way to drink it.

- Do you want some?
- No thanks.

Ow noddy!

- What?
- Me hair.

- Oh I just want a joint.
- Oh brilliant.

Oh you're gonna be
great company tonight.

Give us a break will ya?

Get that will ya?

What did your last slave die of?

Opening doors.

- What?
- Nothing.

Sorry to be oh so late,
inspector cleaver of the yard.

Noddy, inspector cleaver to see you.

Good evening Mr. Oddy.

I do hope I haven't called
at an inconvenient moment.

Just wanted to clear
up a couple of things.

Yeah, anything you like.

Would you like to sit down?

When the deceased left
you the other night,

Mr. Fraser your friend,
did he say he were going straight home?

Yeah.

And after he left you,
after he left you,

what did you do between
10:30 and midnight?

Well we were both here.

Any witnesses?

No witnesses?

Not much of an alibi is it?

Well you don't think it was us do ya?

Noddy, what's that smell?

It smells like garlic.

I'm sorry miss?

Oh there's a really
awful smell around.

I can't smell anything.

Um, no, it seems to have gone now.

Good.

Right, well that'll be all.

I brought you this, it
belonged to Mr. Fraser

thought you might
like it as a memento.

Oh thank you, thank you very much.

Hello noddy.

What's the matter?

It was just a bad dream.

It's nothing.

Go back to sleep.

Noddy, noddy.

It's me noddy, look.

Noddy, noddy here I am.

Hello noddy.

Hello noddy, how are ya mate?

Noddy, noddy!

It's me noddy.

- It's gone.
- What?

Damn it I knew I shouldn't
have left it in the street.

Are you sure you didn't
put it in the shed?

Of course I'm sure.

We'll have to phone the police.

Damn it I put it right there!

Noddy.

I'm sure I left it there.

Oh come on, get a move on.

Ugh, what's that?

No, it must be mud.

Are you sure you didn't hit any
of those bikers the other night?

- Sure I'm sure.
- Well did you stop?

No, don't be stupid.

Well come on you'll have to clean it
up later we're gonna miss the funeral.

Alright.

Bloody thing!

I'll have to fix it.

Fix it when we get back, we're late.

- Let's get the other one.
- We'll have to.

This is a disgrace.

Why couldn't they get a
proper hearse for buzzer?

He wouldn't be seen
dead in one of them.

You bastard!

Why don't you watch
where you're going?

Bloody hooligans!

Earth to earth, ashes
to ashes, dust to dust.

In the name of the father,
the son and holy ghost, amen.

Poor buzzer.

It won't seem the same without him.

Come on, let's get out of here.

Graveyards give me the creeps.

Right.

Right, you bastard.

This time you start or you die, okay?

Yeah, get your lid,
it's time for a bevy.

Alright.

Oh, what's that smell?

I just farted.

Noddy - what you having?

- Um, vodka tonic.
- Large one.

Yeah, here hold that.

Hey get the pool table.

Hey, mate!

Evening.

Large vodka tonic and
a pint of cider please.

Was ist das fiir ein haufen scheibe.

Hang up now.

This looks like the bike
that ran us off the road.

Do you think the geezer's inside then?

No, I expect the
bike drove itself here.

What do you think, shit wits?

And a pint of cider.

Thank you sir.

I told you before don't
bring that thing in her

sorry about that.

It just went off in my hand.

10 pints of lager and a
packet of crisps please.

Okay.

But just behave yourselves.

Do we look like the sort of
blokes who'd cause trouble?

Hey, du!

Yeah I'm talking to you, ugly.

Is that your antique parked outside?

What if it is?

Well if it is we've got a
little score to settle with you.

Let me explain.

The other night we were riding along,

minding our own business

when all of a sudden some
asshole drove straight into us

forcing us off the road.

And we think, that asshole, was yo

a because we take extra
special care of our bikes

we get rather annoyed if
anyone messes them up.

So that's the way it is.

Any last request?

Hello darling.

Do you want to see my chopper?

I haven't brought me magnifying glass.

Well you won't, you won't need that.

Have a look at this.

Sweet dreams shit head!

Right.

You're dead.

Get the bike!

I thought I told you to get the bike?

Sorry?

Who ordered a packet of crisps.

And now, it's death time!

Actually, it's escape time.

Noddy come on! ♪ get a move on!

Get us out of here
at warp factor eight!

That taught him a lesson.

- What do you want?
- A spring roll and chips.

Right, wait there I won't be long.

Kay.

And one 62 please.

31 and 60,

spring roll and chips

noddy.

Get some garlic prawns.

Garlic prawns.

Yeah alright.

Make sure it's got loads of garlic.

Yeah.

And a portion of garlic prawns.

Please.

Noddy!

Noddy help!

Jesus!

Help!

Oh my god!

Help!

Where's that bloody
tart gone with me bike?

Who the hell was that?

Well, I'll go and see.

Won't be too long.

It's your round.

Oh, oh my bike!

Okay asshole.

So you've come back for more?

So where are you then? Come on!

Where are ya?

Come on chicken shit!

Come out and play!

Okay dipstick.

I'm gonna take your poxy little
hairdryer for a test drive!

Chopper!

Come on!

Fuckin' hell!

An, this, is gonna be a masterpiece.

Yeah, but I think it needs
more red in the middle.

Hello? Clive, yeah it's noddy

yeah I know it's late.

Listen, you haven't seen
Kim have you over your way?

Only she's gone out on me new bike

and I haven't seen her for ages.

Yeah, oh well,
sorry to bother you mate.

Yeah cheers.

What's happened here then?

Where's chopper?

Fuck knows.

Fuckin' hell.

I'm scared!

Yeah.

Is she okay?

Yeah I'll come right away.
Birmingham accident hospital?

Yeah I know it.

Cheers.

What a stupid bitch.

Hold up, where you taking him?

To the hospital morgue.

Where's his head?

Take your pick, they're over there.

Nuts.

I appear to have something
stuck up my, bottom.

You'll have to wait a bit.

Sit down please.

Ich stehe iieber.

Who the fuck are you?

I'm inspector cleaver.

I've just seen the rest of your mob.

They look a little run down.

- Oh yeah?
- Oh yeah.

And once you've got
your thing removed

you're gonna help us
with our inquiries.

Is there anybody there?

Hello, is there anybody there?

Now then Mr. Roach.

Let me just recap.

You left the pub, you got on your bikes

and you rode down the road.

Yeah.

And suddenly, out of the
blue, comes a riderless bike

and knocks you all off.

Yeah, that's it.

Let's try again shall we?

You left the pub.

So then what happened?

It just kept going faster and faster

and then it went around the
corner and threw me off.

- Well where is it now then?
- Well how the hell should I know?

It just drove off.

What all by itself?

I think you must be concussed.

Oh, well how do you account
for the fact that nobody has

found it yet?

Well after you dropped it someone
must've gone and knicked it.

I didn't drop it, it dropped me.

I'm telling you noddy it's alive.

It tried to kill me.

Hey don't be daft.

Look, don't you remember?

You said you thought it
had a life of it's own.

No I just said there was
something wrong with the steering

I didn't say anything about it
driving off down the road by itself.

Noddy you've got to get rid of it.

I can't get rid of it.

I haven't bloody got it.

Evening.

Evening sir, been celebrating have we?

Oh I haven't touched a drop.

I see sir.

Well you won't mind
blowing into this then.

Oh yes.

Bloody road hog.

Then you rode down the road.

Yeah.

And this bike, with nobody on it,

came up and knocked you all off.

Oh, oh sorry to interrupt you sir

but a message has just come through,

ah, could I have a quick word?

Don't go away will ya?

- No.
- It's alright sergeant.

Mr. Roach is just joining us for tea.

It seems that PC Harris died instantly

and then PC hollings, in
hot pursuit of the suspect

ran over a senior citize

oh yes a very nasty business.

Anyway, what kind of
evening have you had?

Well we're not getting very
far with this moron in here.

Far more important things to do,

I'll let him go later,
after he's finished his tea.

Planning a holiday this year sir?

The wife and I are going to
benidorm again this summer.

We know this really
great little campsite.

They do great fish and
chips and a British beer

and there everyone speaks English.

It's got a real Spanish atmosphere.

God, is that the time?

Well how about a nice cup
of tea before you go eh?

Holy mother of god.

Anybody here?

Oi!

Oye anybody here?

What's all the noise about?

I wanna see a vicar.

The service doesn't start until nine.

I wanna see a vicar now.

I think you mean the priest.

Why don't you come back at nine?

Let me explain.

I wanna see a priest, now.

Now means this instant,
not five minutes,

not half an hour and
definitely not at nine o'clock.

Well, well I'll go and
get him then shall I?

Smart move.

Peace, peace.

He'll, he'll see ya now.

Follow me.

In there?

Go on.

Is there anybody there?

Yes my son.

Where are ya?

I'm right here beside you

Now, what
do you want to confess?

Confess?

I haven't done anything
wrong, your worship.

- Father.
- What?

You should call me father.

Oh, sorry father.

Now what is your confession?

You don't understand,
I need your help.

Yes, you need god's forgiveness
for something perhaps?

No, no it's not to do with me.

But my son you can't confess
to someone else's sins.

It's not something to do
with someone else either.

It's me motorbike.

Are you sure
it's not a garage you want?

No, no father.

It's turned into a vampire.

Pull the other one.

Look I'm not accusing you of lying

but you must realize
that demonic possessions

are out of vogue these days,

and where machinery is
concerned out of the question.

Look

all I'm asking
you to do is take a look.

I've told ya,
I found a tank full of blood

and someone's foot
stuck in the headlamp.

Are you sure you
haven't been dreaming?

Perhaps you've been watching
some of those video horribles.

No I haven't.

Now are you gonna take a look or what?

Oh very well

but I shall have to be
back in time for mass.

Come on then father,
I'll give you a lift.

I couldn't
possibly get on one of those.

Well, lead on then.

Bloody hell.

It's in there father.

Well, let's have a look
at this vampire shall we?

Well where's this severed foot then?

- On the floor.
- Where?

Well it was there.

Perhaps it walked off.

I didn't imagine it.

Well let's see if you imagined the
blood in the petrol tank shall we?

This is no good, I can't see.

We'll have to wheel it into the light.

Look be careful you

see?

It doesn't want to go into the light.

It's just stuck on something.

Jesus Christ!

So how do you explain all this father?

It's the most unusual
case of demonic possession.

I must say it's the first
time I've ever heard

of a machine being possessed.

Well father,
what can you do about it?

I paid 1,100 quid for that bike.

- What?
- 600, I mean 600.

I shall have to try
and cast the demon out.

Well how you gonna do that?

Well we know this
demon is a vampire,

but unless we know
precisely which one

I shall have to go for the
general all purpose exorcism.

What does that mean?

Well let me try and explain.

In hell, there is a
hierarchy of demons, devils,

they are divided into legions,

the less important ones
go to make up the infantry

as it were,
and the more powerful ones

act as their commanding officers.

Now if we're dealing
with one of the infantry

it shouldn't be too
hard to cast him out.

But what if it's one of the officers?

Well, if it's a demon like
baphomet or even worse ariman,

then we could have a
problem on our hands.

Why's that?

Well the more powerful
demons have their own specific

exorcism rituals and unless
you get the words exactly right

you could end up making
things even worse.

Well let's hope it's
a small one then eh?

Oh, yes.

Now before we go I
want you to take this.

You must wear it at all times.

Oh um, I've already got one.

Take it anyway,
we can't be too careful.

I thought you said you were
gonna cast the demon out?

Yes, but if anything should
go wrong not only your life

but your immortal soul
would be in terrible danger.

You don't mean it's gonna
come back for me here?

You never know.

We have him where we want him.

There's nothing to worry about.

Here father.

But remember, wear that
crucifix at all times.

And now we must return to the
church 0 collect some equipment.

Father, if this demon's a vampire

shouldn't we start the
exorcism before nightfall?

Absolutely.

Don't you think you
better pull your finger out?

And now the holy water.

Yes, yes.

I'll show you.

I see.

Right, let's go and kick some bottom.

- What's wrong.
- I don't know.

- It just seems to have stalled.
- Perhaps you've run out of petrol.

No there's plenty there look.

Stand aside my son.

I understand these
machines you know.

Oh, I don't understand.

She's never broken down before, ever.

This is no good, we're
running out of time.

Let's leave the
bike and get a taxi

Come on, we must hurry.
It'll be getting dark soon.

Well come on, we haven't
got a moment to lose.

Enough!

Is that it?

I think so yes.

What sort of demon was it?

I'm not quite sure.

I almost forgot.

In the name of the father

and of the son and of the holy...

The cross, give me the cross!

Pray run for it my son.

What about you?

- Don't worry about me.
- Bollocks.

- Will that hold it?
- Should do.

- I'll go and get some help then.
- No!

You stay here,
they'll never believe you.

I'll go.

Yes I'm sorry my precious

but the sergeant say
I've got to work thr

yes, I've got to.

I know, yes.

It's Charlie to blame
he's gone on sick again.

Maybe tomorrow we
can do something nice.

Yes, yes my love.

Oye!

Oye!

Oye yonker!

Oye you're under arrest!

For taking and driving away

and for reckless driving

anything you say can be taken down

and used as evidence against you.

And resisting arrest!

But you just don't
care do you you little shit?

Can you hear me?
Harold will you answer me?

We better go.

Then the engine started all by itself

and there were clouds of sulfurous
smoke and I wrestled it to the floor.

Are you telling me
there was nobody on it?

Yes, don't you understand?

- It's possessed by the devil.
- Oh dear.

Are you sure you haven't been
on the communion wine father?

Watch it my son!

Come on now Kim it's
time for your wash.

Phew and not a moment
too soon either.

Oh excuse me, it's not you.

Oh it's this horrible,
smelly foreign stuff.

Oh! Oh please!

I'm sorry but it's
absolutely revolting.

You can't possibly keep this in here.

I know but sister
- no it's out of the question.

- Let's take these off then shall we?
- Oh no, no please I

oh don't worry,
don't cause such a fuss.

- I know but you don't understand.
- I'm only putting them over here.

Come on now one more.

Now then.

Where's the driver?

Well he can't be far away.

Bloody hell.

Bloody hell.

You'll feel better
after a nice cup of tea.

Now then, shall I be mother, father?

Re you trying to be funny?

I've got your number.

Hey, hey, hey.

- Hello?
- Hey sarg 109 here.

Well we just seen a riderless
motorbike go down a wall.

- Down a wall?
- Yeah, it was, it was incredible.

Where was this?
Well it was just at the hospital.

- The hospital?
- Yes.

There now, that's better, isn't it?

If you say so.

Well the nurse'll be in in a moment

with your sleeping pill and cocoa.

Yummy.

Hiya, one lump or two?

Foun

Take that you bastard!

What's going

my god!

What's going on?

Are you alright?

Bloody hell.

Come on she's upstairs.

Alright.

You bastard!

Take this!

Help! Help! Help!

Noddy!

Help! Help!

Noddy| - help!

Help! Help!

Anybody here!

I wish I had a gun.

Take one of these.

I think you'll find it more useful.

Hey, hey, hey.

What the bloody hell do
you think you're doing?

What is the matter with you?

Just help me barricade the door.

Just help me barricade the door
there's something after me.

What the bloody hell's that?

- It's me bike.
- Well you can't bring it in here.

Now come on out you go son.

No, no don't touch it!

Jesus christus!

Get out the way!
Don't look at it's light!

No, get out the way!

Nein, geht ihm aus dem weg!

- There he is now, come here!
- Noddy!

Are you alright?

It's alright everyone.

It's over.

Good has triumphed over evil.

Right, we'll get you to the hospital.

No, no I'm alright.

Come on.

Well you should get that seen too.

Might need some stitches.

I'll take you to the hospital,
we'll get the bike later.

Yeah.

Sorry about that.

It just sort of slipped outta me hand.

I didn't mean it.

I love bikes.

Honest.

That's right.

Carry on.

Well don't just stand there

do something!

It seems to be working!

Follow that bike!

Come on, pull harder!

Come on pull, pull!

Push.

Oh my god!

Leave him be.

Put the fuckin' plug in!

- What?
- The plug!

Your crucifix, use your crucifix!

Oh right yeah.

Try this for size!

Force it into the light!

I couldn't understand.

It's a sun bed.

Oh yeah, course it is.

Force it into the light!

Noddy, how much did you
really pay for that bike?

What kind of bike was it?

Norton commando.

It's funny,
they're usually so reliable.

I don't know what I'm going to
put down for the insurance claim.

Could we say it was an act of god?

Don't think so somehow.

Oh! Bugger!

Don't use that it's filthy.

Oh no, no, no it's alright.

It's not.

Come on, I'll clean it
properly for you inside.

- Oh, god!
- Oh noddy.

Come on.

Did I ever show you how
to weigh a pair of tits?

No but I expect you're going to.

Get off noddy!

You got blood all over me blouse.