All language subtitles for Christina.P.Mom.Genes.2022.720p.WEBRip.x264.AAC5.1-[YTS.MX].srt

["Relax" by
Frankie Goes To Hollywood playing]

[cheers, applause]

[audience applauding]

["Relax" continues]

[indistinct mouthing]

["Relax" fades out]

Oh! New York City!

Yeah, dudes!

[audience cheering]

Oh! Thank you guys so much for being here.
I'm so happy.

[audience cheering]

Ah!

Ah! I'm so happy to be
away from my family.

[cheers]

[chuckles]

Man, I got two little boys

and a cisgendered male husband. Boo!

[laughter]

Man, it is all dicks, all day.

[laughter]

My house has less feminine energy
than Sarah Huckabee Sanders.

Holy shit.

[audience laughing]

I am the only clam on the menu
at Long Dong Silver.

Oh my God,
and the last baby I pumped out of me

was ten pounds, ten ounces.

-[audience cheering]
-Yeah.

Boom!

Talk about a vag blaster.

Wrecked my cold cut combo.

[laughter]

Slayed my sausage wallet.

Destroyed my whisker biscuit.

Bloodier than a Mexican town
in a drug war.

[laughter]

Oh, like a goddamn IED went off
down there, folks.

And here's the deal…

I have had not one,

I have had two episiotomies.

-[audience] Ooh!
-Do you know what that is?

[woman] Yes!

It's where they cut your taint.

Now, it's an "ain't."

[laughter]

Just a big HOV lane for waste.

[audience cheering]

Oh my God, it's so messed up.

After you have a baby,

the doctors have the nerve to ask you

if you think you might have
postpartum depression.

They go, "It's a mental illness.
It's a syndrome." [smacking lips]

I'm like, "If you're not depressed
after having a baby,

you're mentally ill."

[laughter]

[audience applauding]

Yeah.

Because, first of all, okay,

you're fatter than Bert Kreischer.

[laughter]

-That was for you. You, you, you!
-[audience cheering]

[laughing hysterically]

You're so fucking fat, and--

and because I've squeezed people
out of me,

every time I cough,

I pee just a tiny little bit.

Not a lot, it's just a whisper,

just a dollop, just a mwah!

Kisses my panty just like,

"You're gorgeous."
Just a little something.

Not enough to merit
an underwear change in my mind…

[laughter]

…so instead I walk around
in piss pants most of the time.

[applause]

Thank you.

And I don't change my underwear

because I'm exhausted.

I'm too tired
because I have a three-year-old

and a six-year-old boy,

and they want too much
from parents these days. Too much.

The school asked me
to pack nut-free granola bars.

[laughter]

Nut

free

granola bars.

I'm like, "Do you mean a KitKat?"

[laughter]

"Here's a Thermos full of Mountain Dew."

"Enjoy him today."

[laughter]

Insanity. They gave my three-year-old,
my three-year-old, a progress report.

I'm like, "Can we hold off on paperwork
'till he knows the difference between

spaghetti and 'pasketti'? How about that?"

[laughter]

And the teacher said,
"Julian is a nice boy,

but he doesn't play with all the kids."

And I said, "Good."

[laughter]

"Have you seen
these goddamn losers in his class?"

[laughter, cheers]

[audience applauding, cheering]

Yeah.

Well,

I'd say spotting a loser is more important
than learning to read, don't you think?

[cheers]

It's too much. It's too much.

I want to be an '80s mom. An '80s mom.

Oh! They had it the best, didn't they?

There used to be a commercial
that came on at ten o'clock at night

that said, "It's ten p.m.,
do you know where your children are?"

[cheers]

They had to remind bitches
they even had kids.

[audience applauding]

Come on.

Talk about the Golden Age of motherhood.

Now they tell moms, "Oh, your kid
has to eat the rainbow of vegetables."

"Eat the rainbow of vegetables."

Dude, growing up,
I ate two colors, red and yellow.

McDonald's, three times a week at least.

-At least.
-[cheers]

Those Happy Meals
sure make you sad, don't they?

[audience laughing]

All the salt and preservatives.

"Mommy, my left arm is numb."

[laughter]

[groans]
"Is this what delicious feels like? Ah."

The '80s, man.

There was no "mindful parenting."

My mom used to cuss me out
in the JCPenney parking lot

in Hungarian…

[audience cheering]

…screaming at me--

[shouting in Hungarian]

[laughter]

Which translates to,

"I'm gonna hit your head so hard

you're gonna shit your pants."

[laughter]

[laughing hysterically]

Yeah, you could hit your kid.
Hell, you could hit other people's kids.

-[audience laughing]
-That wasn't illegal.

You were doing that mom a favor.

[belches]

[laughter]

[audience applauding, cheering]

You see me. You really, really see me.
[chuckles]

[cheers continue]

Now, I'm not saying
that the '80s were perfect

or that child abuse is right…

[laughter]

…but here's the thing…

[laughter]

…well, you need a little strife
in your life,

a little struggle,

a little "putting a brick in it."

Why? To create resilience.

Resilience!

Okay? '80s weren't perfect,
but I'll tell you what they didn't have.

There were no uh, safe spaces.
[imitating fart]

[laughter]

There were no trigger warnings.

[laughter]

And there were
no fucking peanut allergies.

[audience cheering, applauding]

Well…

Why? Because for thousands of years,

the only people who could have children

were ones who could hunt for food,

build shelter,

and fight saber-toothed tigers.

[audience laughing]

Now, there are people having kids

who can't eat wheat.

[laughter]

[laughter continues]

[audience applauding]

[mocking] "Uh, but Christina,
it's an allergy."

"You don't know."

Well, I do know I ain't fucking a guy
that's scared of toast.

[laughter]

Yeah.

Let me tell you something,
my favorite question

when I go to a restaurant
is when a waiter asks me,

"Ma'am, do you have
any food sensitivities?"

I can't fucking laugh hard enough.

[laughing] I'm like, "No, boo-boo, no."

[snorts] "No, I have…
I have zero 'sensitivities'

"to anything fucking ever…

[laughter]

…because I'm Generation X."

[audience cheering]

Yeah.

I'm Gen X, man.

I grew up playing on scorching hot
metal monkey bars in the middle of summer.

And when I fell,
it wasn't onto foam or mulch,

I fell onto a dead hobo.

[audience laughing]

Yes, I grew up swimming in the L.A. River.

It's not a river, it's a sewer.

[laughter]

And back in the day, everyone got bullied.

Everyone got bullied.

And then when you went home
and told your parents about it,

they would bully you
for not standing up for yourself.

[applause]

Fuck it, dude, I'm an '80s mom.
I'm an '80s mom.

I'll tell you what, I let my kids jump
from the couch to the coffee table…

[shouting] …'cause that's
what baby teeth are for!

[cheers]

[audience applauding]

Yes.

[audience continues applauding]

Yes. Yes.

[imitating preacher] Yes, I believe.
I believe…

[laughter]

… that eating floor Cheerios
makes you strong.

[audience cheering]

"Better than vaccine!"

[laughter]

There's a game in my house,

if there's food on the floor
and you can beat the dog to it,

it's yours.

[laughter]

I teach my children how to lie properly.

[cheers]

Well, that's an important life skill,

'cause one day
they're gonna grow up and have a boss.

Oh, honesty is the best policy?

[laughing]

Not when I've spent
two hours of company time on TikTok.

-[continues laughing]
-[cheers]

Yeah.

I let my children watch cartoons.

Old school ones, bros. Old school.

I go Bugs Bunny, bam!

[cheers]

-Woody Woodpecker, boom!
-[cheers]

Pepé Le Pew.

[audience cheering]

[mocking] "Oh, but, Christina,
Pepé's problematic."

[audience laughing]

Well, I talk to my kids and I say,

"Hey, not all French are rapists."

[laughter]

"But they do smell like shit."

[audience cheering, applauding]

[chuckling] So…

Mmm. Back when I lived in California,

uh, there's a helmet law that says

every time your kid rides a bicycle,

you have to put a helmet on them,

and I did it

because I'm an amazing fucking mom.

[cheers]

But in my heart,

in my soul,

I'd be like…

[tuts] "This fucking pussy shit."

[laughter]

Are you joking? A helmet?

To ride a bicycle?

Is there anything
more embarrassing in life?

Right? 'Cause growing up in school,
there was that one kid

who wore a helmet and didn't ride a bike,

if you catch my--

[laughter]

Maybe tore tickets at the movie theater.

[audience] Ooh!

Ooh! Maybe collected
shopping carts in the parking lot.

[laughter]

We had a kid like that at our school
and we called him Double Dare.

[cheers]

Relax, relax, you can laugh
at Double Dare.

He's totally fine now.

Yeah, he's totally normal.

It turns out, back in the day,

they were just giving him the wrong pills.

-[woman in the audience] Oh my God!
-Yeah,

so through the miracle of modern medicine,

they made him detarded.

[laughter]

Thank you so much.

God, that was such a good joke.

[audience applauding, cheering]

Okay.

That's my favorite joke.

[applause continues]

I know you'll say that shit on Monday.

You're gonna be like,
"That Cindy, she's detarded."

[audience laughing]

Now,

I like my kids to watch Sesame Street

'cause that's what I grew up on.

Right? Sesame Street. Yeah.

Yeah. But um, have you seen
Sesame Street lately?

Ugh! The neighborhood's gone to shit.

[audience laughing]

You guys are gonna die. You're gonna die.

So, first of all,

Cookie Monster, Cookie Monster,

gluttonous piece of shit that taught you
not to overdo it with the sweets,

now eats fruit and vegetables.

[screams]

[audience] Boo!

I know, what's next?

What's next, Big Bird's gone free range?
Fuck that!

[laughter]

No!

No, Oscar the Grouch, Oscar the Grouch,

the first hoarder you ever knew,
lived in his own filth in a trash can,

now lives in a recycling bin.

-[laughter]
-[man in the audience] Boo!

Oh my God, you know he's gonna be
one of these assholes who wears patchouli.

[audience laughing]

You know those people? And--

They don't buy regular deodorant,
instead they buy Tom's.

[audience laughing]

Oh! Then they have to tell you about it.

[mocking] "Oh, well, you know, Christina,
the regular deodorant."

"Regular, regular deodorant--"

[laughter]

"The regular deodorant has
aluminum in it…"

[laughter]

"…and the aluminum gives you Alzheimer's."

Like, yeah,
we all wish you had Alzheimer's

because you smell
like Dog the Bounty Hunter's cunt…

[laughter]

…with your fake-ass deodorant.

[cheers]

Okay, Bert and Ernie,

still not gay…

[laughter]

…but they are polyamorous.

It's my favorite. I love polyamory.

I… I live for that shit.

I love when somebody is like,

"I'm polyamorous."

[tuts] Like, "Bitch, back in the '90s,
you was just a ho." You know what I mean?

[laughter]

Right? You're just horny.
That's not an identity.

Okay, but there's-- Okay,
there's a new character on the street.

[shrieking]

Um, her name is Julia and she's autistic.

[audience] Aw!

[laughter]

Aw!

[laughter]

No, f-- you guys, that is like--

[laughter]

[laughing] I got so fucking excited

that Sesame Street
put out an autistic puppet.

Dude, I was stoked. I got so happy.

It was like when a new
Tourette's documentary comes out…

[laughing] …you're all fucking excited,
and then you--

you watch it, and two minutes in, you go,
"Oh God, these people are suffering."

[laughter]

"I'm a bad person."

[chuckles] So I started watching Julia,
the autistic character, and I…

I really like her. I really like her.

I learned about autism, which was cool,
and what I like best is that,

sometimes she gets upset
and she hits Elmo…

[laughter]

…which is great 'cause fuck Elmo, right?

He's the worst. He's the worst.

He's always laughing at his own shit.

[laughter]

[mocking] "Elmo loves you." [laughing]

[laughter]

"Elmo goes potty." [laughing]

He sounds like a nervous porno actress.

[laughter]

Like you know when the casting director
will shoot the interview before the scene?

Don't act like you don't know
what the fuck I'm talking about.

[man in the audience
laughing hysterically]

Right, the scumbag, and he's always like…

[moans]

[laughter]

[in deep voice] "What are you gonna
do for us today, sweetie?"

[in high voice] Then she'll be like,

"I'm gonna do
my first blow-bang triple anal."

[laughing hysterically]

[laughing turns into crying]

"Sounds hot." [moans]

Oh my God.

And like, here's the deal, man.
Here's the deal.

Oh God.

[inhaling deeply]

Here's the deal, is that I, um, I used to,

I used to be able to laugh
at that girl, you know,

and now I'm a fucking middle-aged mom

and I have all these feelings
like empathy and stuff…

[laughter]

…because you start to realize, like,

how life is just a lot of luck

and then a series of choices,

and like, I could have been that girl.

I should have been that porno girl.

[laughter]

You know, with my childhood,

I should've been that girl,
and really, in the scheme of things,

stand-up comedy, not that bright
of a choice of life, right?

Like, it goes, fucking, porno actress,
stand-up comedian. Not smart. But…

So I became a mom and uh…

How do I put this? I… I just want to,

I want to do better
than what was given to me.

You know what I mean?
I don't blame my parents for anything.

Do I? Yeah, I do.

-But the thing is--
-[laughter]

Well, you know, I just…
I just want to be a better parent

than what I had and, um-- Yeah.

Oh, thanks. One person.

[applause]

Okay, okay, you're on board, yeah.

Um…

Or as my therapist calls it…

[mocking] …"I am breaking
the cycle of--" [chuckles]

"I'm breaking the cycle
of generational trauma."

I am breaking the cycle
of generational trauma,

and it's a lot of work, okay?

So here's what I've done so far.
It's like a decade in therapy,

and then every day,

I wake up, I practice my gratitude,

and then I drink my coffee.

I take a shit.

[laughter]

I exercise,

uh, because the endorphins from
exercise help fight depression,

and then I adhere to a low-carbohydrate,
high-protein diet.

I meditate twice a day.

I feel all my dumb feelings…

and I am still so fucked up, like I'm--

[laughing hysterically]

I'm so fucking crazy.

[cheers, applause]

Thank you.

-Whoo!
-[cheers continue]

But-- [laughing hysterically]

But I'm trying, and I'm in the game,

and I'm gonna do it, man.

I'm gonna do it. Yeah.

[applause]

Yeah, 'cause my childhood was wacky.

Like, put it this way, like, growing up,

I couldn't understand…
I couldn't understand those people

who lived at home in their twenties.

You know, like, dude,
I wanted out at six, bro.

-I was like--
-[laughter]

"Where's my letter to Hogwarts?
Get me the fuck out of this."

[laughter]

You know, I would have rather lived

with those bitches from The Facts of Life

and get scissored by that lesbo, Jo,
remember Jo?

-You guys know Jo was a lesbo, right?
-[man in the audience] Yeah.

Yeah, 'cause she had a ponytail.

And she was a mechanic.

[laughter]

-A pussy mechanic, am I right? Yeah!
-[cheers]

No, I hated my mom. I hated her so much.

She was… oh, just the worst.

Borderline and schizophrenic,
which wouldn't have been so bad,

but she was mean.

I mean, even bin Laden would be like,
"Oh, this bitch is evil. This--"

[laughter]

I'll give you an example, when I was five,
I was singing in the kitchen,

and she goes, "Oh, Christica,

you should never sing."

[laughter]

I know, and people today are like,

"Christina, is it hard
being a woman in comedy?"

"I'm like, no, dude.
I was raised by Simon Cowell."

[laughter]

"Shit don't phase me, bro."

When I was 12,
when I was 12-years-old,

she stole my identity
and bought fur coats.

Fur coats!

I'm from Los Angeles,

it is 85 degrees Christmas day.

Forget it.
Here's the thing, I've forgiven her,

and lately,
we've been getting along so well.

In 2015, she died.

[laughter]

Thank you.

[applause, cheers]

Yeah.

And now I wear fur coats to get Froyo.

It's a win-win.

[cheers]

God, she was so angry.

Ever know somebody
that could get angry at anything?

Yes, like a retail worker would be like,
"Have a nice day."

"You have a nice fucking day!"

[laughter]

[singing "Entry of the Gladiators"]

'Cause her first language was Hungarian,

she couldn't pronounce
certain words in English,

and um, you ever hate somebody so much,

you don't correct their English
for like 40 years?

Dude, I would let her
say things wrong all the time.

She couldn't say the word "aluminum foil."

She would call it "alufolia."

[laughter]

I'd say, "Yeah, pass me the 'alufolia.'
Wrap that shit."

"Wrap that chicken in 'alufolia,' bitch.
Come on, let's go."

If it was cold outside,
she would say, "It's very crispy outside."

[laughter]

I'd be like, "Yeah, crispy, crunchy,
like a potato chip. You got this."

"Go say that at your job interview.
Go ahead, bitch."

Fucking hated her.
Then every now and then,

she'd get frustrated with me
and kick me out,

and then I'd go live with my dad,
and my dad was a party.

-[woman] Yeah!
-You guys, he is 75-years-old

and still slanging that dick.

[cheers]

Yeah.

Recently, I asked him, I was like,

"Dad, how many women
do you think you've been with?"

He goes, "Not enough."

[cheers, laughter]

[laughing]

Now, there's a cool guy.

[imitating guitar]

The coolest.

[audience applauding]

Yeah, dog.

In 1985, more women saw
my dad's dick than Ghostbusters.

[laughter]

And I loved living with him because
on a school night, I was eight-years-old,

and he would take me out
to bars and nightclubs.

Oh, and I loved it.

I loved dancing. I just loved it.

But I was so young.

I thought the song "White Lines"
was about coloring.

[laughter]

But my favorite song to dance to

in the whole world was
Frankie Goes to Hollywood.

-[audience cheering]
-Relax. Do you guys remember that?

♪ Relax, don't do it ♪

♪ When you want… ♪
Yeah.

Do you know what that song is about?

It's about gay guys doing it…

[laughter]

…and trying not to finish too soon. Now--

Meanwhile, my eight-year-old ass is like,

♪ When you wanna come… ♪

[audience laughing]

[moaning] ♪ Come! ♪

♪ Yeah! ♪

♪ Whoa… ♪

[vocalizing]

[laughing hysterically]

[chuckles] Um, so, a while ago,

my husband was like,

"Babe, babe, I think your dad
might be an alcoholic."

[laughter]

I was like, "That makes so much sense."

When you grow up around weird,
you don't know it's weird.

You think that everybody's dad takes them
to bars and nightclubs on a school night

at eight-years-old and lets them dance
to a hardcore gay sex anthems.

[laughter]

Uh, but I'm super stoked you guys
because recently, he got remarried.

-[cheers]
-Yes.

Yes, for the fifth time.

[applause, cheers]

He's 75-years-old
and he married a 34-year-old…

[audience cheering]

…Vietnamese lady…

[cheers]

…he met online.

[chuckling] Yeah.

[audience applauding, cheering]

I don't know… I don't know
if that's a marriage or an adoption…

[laughter]

but that bitch came with a receipt,
you know that.

Could you imagine?
I don't know what's going on.

I mean, maybe she wants the Green Card,
and he wants free mani-pedis.

I don't know.

Oh, shut the fuck up, she's my Viet mom,
I can say what I want. Shut up.

But let me tell you, I'm so--

I'm so grateful
to have this woman in my life

because otherwise,
I would have to listen to him.

Oh God. Is there anything worse
than a phone call from your toxic parent?

Ugh! Ugh! They don't even ask you
anything about you.

No questions, nothing.

All my dad wants to talk about

is the achievements
of the Hungarian people.

[audience laughing]

Oh my God, he's so slick.

"Christica,

you know who invented Rubik's Cube?"

[laughter]

"A Hungarian."

"You know who invented the ballpoint pen?"

"A Hungarian."

I'm like,
"Did a Hungarian invent suicide?"

"I'm gonna blow my brains out.
I can't. I can't."

"I can't."

[audience laughing]

But then he drinks a little on the call,

and then it gets better.

[laughter]

He'll be like,

"Christica,

every time you burp,

you are cheating your asshole."

[laughter]

[audience continues laughing]

What?

[groans] Then I'm back in. I'm back in.

[laughter]

But then he drinks too much on the call.

[mimicking deflation]

Now, I have a theory
that all dads know one historical fact

that they like to repeat over and over.

Now, my father escaped
from Communist Hungary in 1969,

so his fact is a little dark.

Here it goes.

"Christica…

you know,

everybody thinks
Hitler killed the most people."

[scoffs]

"This is not true."

"Stalin killed

the most people,

but everybody gives Hitler all the credit

like he's some kind of special guy."

[laughter]

"He's no fucking special guy."

[laughter]

I'm like, "What?"

"Are you jealous of Hitler? Is this--"

[laughter]

"You saying Hitler's the genocide champ?
Is that what I'm hearing?"

[laughter]

So crazy.

And then meanwhile,
cut to me at a dinner party

and somebody will bring up World War II…

[laughter]

…and I'll be like,
"Actually Stalin killed…

[laughter]

…more people than Hitler."

[applause, cheers]

Yeah.

"Why do you think Hitler's a special guy?
He's not such a special fucking guy."

[inhaling deeply] Ugh!

It's such a drag
'cause I gotta listen to him.

I gotta listen to him
'cause I'm an only child,

and it's times like this

I wish I had
a 400-pound codependent sister.

[laughter]

You know, just 400 pounds,

always watching the ID channel,

convinced she's gonna get
murdered and raped.

I'm like, "Murdered, maybe." [chuckling]

[audience laughing]

Because, New York, I'm a good person.

I'm not a great one.

[cheers]

I might fake pick up
dog shit from time to time.

[laughter]

Every time my dog takes a shit,
that's when the neighbor has to come out,

and I always forget bags,
and I gotta do theater.

[mocking] "Hold on, I got it

somewhere, I don't know."

[laughter]

The minute she walks away,
"Fuck your lawn, bitch."

[audience applauding]

You got a gardener, you got that.

[audience cheering]

Good person, not a great one.

I refuse to give people my age

rides to the airport.

Oh my God.
Listen, if you're in your mid-forties

and you can't get yourself

to the airport, bro,
that means you don't have like $50.

[laughter]

You don't have $50.

You should stay home
and work on that resume, okay?

[laughter]

Good person, not a great one.

[audience applauding]

I never

want to hear
about the triathlon you're preparing for.

[laughter]

Oh my God,
is there anything worse than that?

The person has to tell you,
"No, Christina."

[mocking] "First I swim two kilometers,

and then I bike 90 kilometers,

and then I run 20 kilometers."

And I'm like, "What the fuck?"

[audience applauding, cheering]

"What the fuck?"

"What the fuck

is a kilometer, dude?"

"I don't do math."

Good person, not a great one.

Not a great one.

-[audience applauding, cheering]
-Not perfect.

[sighs]

Just trying to break the cycle
of generational trauma.

[laughter]

So when I became a mother,
I didn't know what to do.

Nobody has a blueprint for that.

Yeah, so I did what everybody should do

and I looked to social media.

[cheers]

Oh my God, everybody lies on social media,

but moms, those bitches lie the most.

Right? What do the moms always say?

"Being a mom,
it's the best job in the world."

And look, I love my children

more than life,

but the job of being a mom,

it is not the best.

In fact, I would argue
having no job is the best job.

[applause, cheers]

Or Instagram model, that's a job.

[audience cheering]

You guys, there is a man on Instagram

who makes millions of dollars

as an adult baby diaper wearer.

Let me rephrase that.

I follow a guy on Instagram.

[laughter]

He's so great.

He's so fat and sweaty,

and his chest looks like a pork chop,

like a raw pork chop, that's been dropped
on a barber shop floor.

-[man in the audience] Oh my God!
-I love it. He does the best poses, dude.

It's always him like against a brick wall.

He does these coquettish little poses.

He'll be like,

"No."

[laughter]

Love it. I love him.

I love him.

Do you think, growing up as a kid,

every time he cried, his dad was like,

"Don't be a baby."

[laughter]

"Look who's crying now, Daddy."

[laughter]

Anyway, I was such an idiot
when I became a mom.

I believed all those sayings
people throw around about children,

you know like,
"Kids say the darndest things."

Not mine.

Mine say the meanest shit all the time.

[audience laughing]

Last week Ellis called me a "dishbag."

[laughter]

I was like, "Uh, no, it's douchebag."

"Open your mouth when you speak, son."

[laughter]

"Show some respect."

[applause]

Yeah. Yeah.

Douche.

[audience applauding]

Then my little one,
I was changing the three-year-old's diaper

and he had a big old doody in there,

and he goes,

"Do you see your family in there?"

[laughter]

[audience continues laughing]

I go, "Yeah, my mom."

[laughter]

Uh! They're so abusive.

They're like abusive husbands
with the questions all the time.

"Where are you going?
What are you doing? What's Lexapro?"

[laughter]

Oh my God.

They walked in on me naked,

just started laughing.

[laughter]

The little one pointed. That's fucked up.

[laughter]

I taught him that one.
I taught him that one.

Oh my God.

They've destroyed my house, okay?

So far, I've replaced two toilets

'cause they flush cars down those.

I walked in on the six-year-old
coloring in the grouting in between tiles

in permanent marker.

And there's piss everywhere.

Everywhere. I walk in on them peeing
like they're being arrested, just--

[laughter]

Oh! I'm like a piss sommelier
now, you know?

I walk through the house, I'm like,

Oh, yeah. [sniffs]
"That's three-year-old boy, very good."

[sniffs] "That's six-year-old."

[sniffs] "Oh, forty-two-year-old
male comic, that's an interesting one."

[laughter]

-[applause]
-Oh!

Ah.

And let me tell you something
if you don't have kids yet, okay?

Marriage,

I used to believe that marriage was 50/50.

And then you have kids.

That shit ain't 50/50, okay?
Fuck what you heard.

It is the Mom Show, all day, every day.

Fucking, Mommy.

Mommy. Mommy. Mommy. Mommy. Mommy.

Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom.

I know.

I'm like,
"I'm gonna change my name to Daddy."

'Cause nobody expects shit from that guy.

[cheers]

Daddy gets to take a dump by himself.

Me, when I go to the bathroom,

I got a six-year-old playing
Legos on the ground,

a dog making intense eye contact.

[laughter]

Why do they wink at you, like--

[laughter]

"What's the secret, girl?"

♪ I watch you poop
You watch me poop ♪

-♪ I watch you poop ♪
-[laughter]

Ugh. Every time I go to the bathroom,
I got the six-year-old playing Legos,

the dog making eye contact,
and a baby sitting on my lap.

Bonus points
if you breastfeed at the same time.

[cheers]

That's called "The Milwaukee Milkshake."
You're welcome.

[audience laughing, applauding]

Oh, gosh, so, okay,
so I broke my ankle in June…

and some people think
it was my husband's fault.

[laughter]

And in some ways, it was.

[laughter]

Alright, I'll tell you the story.
Here's what happened.

So, it's in the middle of the night.
I'd just come home off the road.

I was exhausted.
I had the baby monitor next to me.

The babies used to sleep
on the first floor,

we used to sleep on the second.
Not anymore.

But anyway,
so the baby screams in the monitor,

and if you're a mother,

you know that when your baby cries,
you could be in a dead sleep

and you will feel that,

you'll feel the baby cry
in every cell of your being, right?

It's like Uma Thurman

in Pulp Fiction.

[wailing] The baby! The baby!

Okay.

[laughter]

That's my reaction.

My husband…

[snoring]

Now, my husband claims

he can't hear…

babies crying in the night.

Can't seem to hear
babies crying in the night.

Meanwhile, 20 houses down,

the Monday Night Football theme
can be playing…

[vocalizing]

…and his dad boner can't get harder…

[audience laughing]

…or higher.

[applause]

[cheers]

So anyway, I fell down the stairs

getting to my baby in a hurry,

and that's how I broke my ankle,
and see, that's a mother's love.

That's a fucking mother's love.

Nobody tells you this, but being a mom
is an emotional roller coaster.

Like, I go from joy, to rage,

to exhaustion, to exhilaration,

every six seconds, every day.

[laughter]

And just when I'm ready
to throw that baby in the river…

[laughter]

…he smiles at me.

[sighs] Yeah, yeah, they smile at you
with those little jack-o'-lantern teeth…

[high-pitched dinging]

…and you're filled with so much joy,
you have crazy thoughts.

You're like-- [groaning]

"I want ten more!"

[laughter]

"Come on, Tommy. We're fucking tonight!"

[laughter]

-Yes.
-[audience cheering]

Yes.

Until you watch TLC, The Learning Channel,

and you see
those Duggar assholes with their…

[laughter]

…twenty kids, you're like,
"How are you having 20?"

"How is this legal?"

Animal Services
won't let you have but six cats.

[laughter]

I love TLC.

My favorite show
is Little People, Big World.

[cheers]

Wouldn't it be great if they could
merge Little People, Big World

with tiny houses?

[laughter]

Little People, Appropriately Sized Houses.

Come on, TLC, do better!

[laughter]

Everybody talks about a mother's love,

but nobody talks about a mother's rage,

and for me, that's bedtime. Oh!

Yeah, bedtime. Oh my God.

And the experts tell you
to have a routine, right?

Okay. Good. Boom.
Noon, we're in pajamas. Let's go.

[laughter]

I do it all, right?
I got blackout curtains,

I got the sound machine, I got stories,

and then what happens?

[footsteps approaching]

[in low voice] "I'm thirsty."

[laughter]

Dude, I don't know what it is
about this generation's hydration needs.

I swear my parents
gave me water once a week, tops.

We drank Fresca, I think.
I dunno. I was dehydrated.

-So that's pop up number one. Number two--
-[footsteps approaching]

-[in low voice] "I gotta go poop."
-[laughter]

-[sighs]
-And the third one…

-[footsteps approaching]
-"There's a monster under my bed."

"Good, tell him I said hi.
I dunno what to tell you."

[laughter]

One night,

my older boy popped up eight times.

Eight times.

And the rage that welled up inside of me--

And you can't tell a six-year-old boy--

I can't be like,

"Dude, bro, homie,

fuck outta here, man, what are you doing?"

[audience laughing]

"Scram. Kick rocks. Listen, son,

your dad and I have just
an hour and a half free time every night,

just an hour and a half to get high…"

[cheers]

…watch 90 Day Fiancé…

[audience cheering]

…hurry fuck, and fall asleep before
we have to do this shit all over again."

[laughter]

"And, son, it is not good sex,
it is sad married sex."

[laughter]

"We don't even face each other anymore."

"I just kind of lay on my side,

and then your dad walruses up behind me."

-[audience laughing]
-[grunting]

[continues grunting]

[audience laughing]

-"I don't even get naked anymore, I just…
-[laughter]

…I pull my sweatpants down."

[laughter]

[cheers, applause]

Just let it happen. Just let it happen.

Goddamnit.

[laughter]

"I know there is no such thing

-as nut-free granola bars. I know it."
-[laughter]

"That is bullshit."

"When is the next season
of Bridgerton coming out?"

[laughter, cheers]

"I mean, how long does this shit take?"

[laughter]

"Did I buy the organic turkey slices?"
I really…

[audience laughing]

That's my life.

[inhaling deeply]

That's me,
breaking the cycle of generational trauma.

[applause, cheers]

That's what it is.

[audience applauding]

That's what it is. I stay in the game.
You just gotta stay in the game, right?

That's all you're doing.

And I work on my perfectionism.
That's a huge problem with me.

You know, 'cause I compare myself
to those perfect moms.

Oh. You know those bitches?

Those perfect moms?

Oh, they got four kids
and somehow they're a size zero?

What does she say?
"Oh, I do intermittent fasting."

"Yeah, so does half the world,
it's called starvation, bitch."

[laughter]

The worst is when she's like,
"My husband is my best friend."

[laughter]

Gross. These are the same people
that mouth-kiss their moms and dads.

I know it.

[audience laughing]

No, your husband is not your best friend.

Your best friend is the person
you talk shit about your husband to.

[laughter, cheers]

No.

Well, anyway,
I will say the one thing I did right

is I've been married
to the same dude for 17 years.

[audience cheering]

That's right.

[applause]

Seventeen years.

[cheers]

I married a psychopath.

[audience laughing]

Here's how you know
you're with a psychopath.

In the middle of winter,

he sleeps with a fan blowing on him.

[laughter]

[angrily] "I'm hot! I'm hot!"

"Yeah, because you're a psycho,

and psychos have
a higher core body temperature

that allows them to stand outside naked
in the freezing rain with a meat cleaver."

[laughter]

I told our adorable cleaning lady about it
and she goes,

"Well, maybe it's because he's so hairy."

[laughter]

I'm like, "How do you know, bitch?"

[laughter]

Then I remembered she cleans our drains.

[laughter]

Poor woman, I know. I know.

Here's how you know
you're with a psycho, okay? Okay?

Look at their Netflix queue.

[audience laughing]

Look at what Netflix
is suggesting they watch next

'cause that's somebody's total interests.
That's it.

Apparently,
my husband only has two areas of interest,

it's either serial killers…

[cheers]

…or World War II.

[laughter]

And he likes to watch his shows
as I'm drifting off to sleep at night,

so, I get to hear either,

"And the murderer only killed blond women,
mothers of two."

[laughter]

Or--

-[shouting in German]
-[laughter]

Did you guys know
that Stalin actually killed…

[laughter]

…more people than Hitler?

Did you know that?

[audience cheering, applauding]

What do they always say about psychos?

About psychopaths like
that Brian Laundrie? Remember him?

What do they always say?
They say, "Oh, he was just a regular guy."

"Just a regular guy."

Let me tell you something,
my husband is regular as fuck.

[laughter]

Super regular, okay?

He doesn't know what a duvet cover is.

Or a pergola.

He thinks that doing a cleanse

is scrubbing
his butthole extra in the shower.

[laughter]

Regular guys
don't understand subtlety or hints,

so when they ask, "Babe,
what do you want for your birthday?"

Don't go, "Oh, nothing."

'Cause that's what you gonna fucking get.

[laughter]

[audience applauding]

But here's the deal, man. I love it.

I love being married to regular guy.
It's the best.

It's so fucking easy 'cause they
only require three things to be happy.

Three things. Number one, sandwiches.

[laughter]

Sandwiches. Just feed him
a sandwich every now and then.

Don't get fancy. No cucumbers.

No hummus. None of that shit.

Two pieces of bread and something
that had a heartbeat in the middle.

That's it. That's all he needs.

Easy peasy, lemon squeezy. Number two,

sports.

They gotta like sports.

My husband likes football. Football.

The game is four hours long,

followed by the two hour after show

where the severely out of shape
retired players…

-[laughter]
-…sit around and talk about the game

we just all saw…

[audience laughing]

…because they have brain damage

and it takes
five of their collective memories…

[laughter]

…to form one coherent memory.

I love it.
And then they have um, their dad jokes.

They're like…

[in deep voice] "That cheerleader looks
more like a tight-end to me, Rick."

[mock laughing]

[laughter]

It's like the male version of The View.
They love that shit.

[laughter]

And they're so ugly.

All the men are so--

Oh my God, they would never let a woman

as ugly as Lou Holtz--

-[laughter]
-The guy can barely talk. He's like--

[mocking Lou Holtz]

[laughter]

"You're right, Lou,
salami is an underrated meat."

[laughter]

[mocking Lou Holtz]

"Mm-hmm."

"Oatmeal's easy on the gums, Lou.
You got that right."

[audience laughing]

But whatever.
I don't bust his balls for all that.

Why? Because he's home

on the couch with the dog and the kids

and one lady who fucking gets it
because that's a good man.

That's right, lady. Clap for that.

[audience applauding]

That's a good man.

[audience continues applauding]

That's the guy you marry.
The sports guy, the sandwich guy.

Now, lastly.

Number three on the list.

Sex.

[cheers]

You have to have sex

with your husband. Now…

[sighing]

[laughter]

I don't pretend to be some sexed-up,
hot cool wife. Like I'm not, dude.

I'm really not.

I mean honestly,

after spending a day
with my three and six-year-old boys,

I am dryer…

[laughter]

…than Ruth Bader Ginsburg's pussy.

[laughter]

[applause]

She's dead, so that is a dusty puss.

I know. I don't, I don't feel sexy.

I feel like giving up, like just getting
my haircut at the dog groomer's,

buy all my clothes at the AutoZone,

like one mechanic's onesie.

So here's what I do, okay?

I put my husband
on a 72-hour milking schedule.

Every 72 hours.
'Cause here's what I noticed.

Around 72 hours is when the rage builds.

It's like the 60 Minutes clock,
and then it--

[clock ticking]

And then somewhere around here…

"This ice cream is too cold!"

[laughter]

"This salt is too salty!" [groaning]

[laughter]

And then I got a milk the bear.
I gotta milk him.

And I don't do it for him,

I do it for me
and the safety of our children.

[laughter]

And I know the moms watching this,
you're like,

"I don't, I don't really feel
like doing intercourse." Well, yeah.

You can just give him a handy.

Or as I like to call it,

two percent milked.

[laughter, applause]

[audience applauding, cheering]

So, I'll tell you a little personal story.
So the other night…

yeah, the other night, uh,

my husband and I made sweet marital love,

and he rolls over and he goes,

"Are you proud of me?"

[laughter]

I'm like, "Yeah, sure."

He goes, "No, are you proud of me because

I had to fart that whole time…

[laughter]

…but I didn't out of respect for you."

I'm like, "Do you even see me
as a woman anymore?"

[laughter]

I said, "Go ahead and fart.
The fan's on. Who cares?"

[audience laughing]

But that's marriage.

And that's what it is.

And being an adult
and having a family life,

it's not easy,

but it's a marathon.

Not a fucking triathlon, but a marathon.

[laughter]

And what I've learned is,
I just have to take breaks.

Just take a break, come back later.

So what I like to do

is I get my nails done,
and I've been going

to the same lady for years, right?

So five months after
I had my second child,

five months after I gave birth,

I went to see her.

She looks at me and goes,

"Oh,

did you have the baby yet?"

[cheers]

Yeah, she goes,
"You look fat. You look fat."

Like, "Is that any way to talk
to your stepdaughter, you fucking bitch?"

-"Is that any way?"
-[laughter, applause]

[audience cheering, applauding]

And look,
I know I'm not supposed to do that accent…

[laughter]

…but it was so much funnier, right?
It was so much better. Come on!

[audience cheering]

You gotta do that shit.

[audience applauding]

Okay, so, okay, so, when I broke my ankle,

I had like a major

life realization. Here's what happened.

I broke my ankle in four places,

and it was dislocated.

Yeah, so I'm in the emergency room,

and the doctor goes,
"We have to reset your bones."

"I'm gonna give you ketamine
so that you don't remember it."

[laughter]

Yeah.

And then he says…

He's like,
"You may go on a little journey."

[laughter]

I was like, "Yeah, dog, that's what's up."

[audience cheering]

"Call me."

[applause]

You know, like,

I've been preparing
for this shit my whole life.

"Who's a loser now, Mom? Okay."

[laughter]

Okay. So they give me the ketamine and--

[humming in falling tone]

Like, I slip into the fourth dimension,

and then I go

on a vision quest, bros, like…

[cheers]

…like a serious vision quest.
So I'm in the fourth dimension,

and Pac-Man shows up,

and he's wearing a saddle

because I live in Texas now
and I think that's where it came from.

And Pac-Man's like, "Hop on, little lady."

And I'm like, "Alright, Pac-Man."

So I get on and we're riding, right?

[imitating Pac-Man]

[audience laughing]

And I see my father,

but I'm full of compassion…

and love,

and I forgive him. I forgive him for him

not being able to be the dad
I wanted him to be.

And then I thanked him
for the cool historical facts…

[laughter]

…and I thanked him
for teaching me how to dance through life.

[applause]

[audience continues applauding]

And then,

so I get back on Pac-Man.

[imitating Pac-Man]

Now I see my mother,

and I'm full
of compassion for her and love,

and I forgive her for not being able
to be the mother I wanted her to be.

And then I thank her for the fur coats…

[laughter]

…and for making me resilient.

[applause]

Resilient.

[audience continues applauding]

Because, by the time I was seven,

I could use the stove…

[laughter]

…to light my own cigarettes.

[laughter, cheers]

Yeah.

[audience applauding]

And then I ride on.

[imitating Pac-Man]

And now I see my children,

my beautiful boys,

[inhaling] and I'm overcome
with love and gratitude

that they exist
and they've given me this purpose,

and they've made me wanna be a better
mother and human being every day.

[inhaling deeply]

[exhaling]
And then the ketamine wears off…

[laughter]

[chuckles]

[audience laughing]

…and my husband is next to me and he's--

he's holding my hand.

Yeah, and I grab him
and I pull him close to me,

and his face is right here and I go,

I know

you can hear babies crying in the night.

[laughter]

-[audience applauding]
-Thank you, guys.

I love you very much. Thank you so much.

["Relax" by
Frankie Goes To Hollywood playing]

♪ Relax, don't do it ♪

♪ When you want to go to it ♪

♪ Relax, don't do it ♪

♪ When you want to come ♪

♪ Relax, don't do it ♪

♪ When you want to sock into it ♪

♪ Relax, don't do it ♪

♪ When you want to come ♪

♪ When you want to come ♪

[cheers]