All language subtitles for His.Hers.The.Truth.2019.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

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- [Interviewer] Let's start
by tellin' us your names.

- Alan Cole.

- And Tanya Brown.

- So tell us a little
bit 'bout yourselves.

- I love her

most of the time when
she's not being annoying.

- When I'm not being annoying?

Like when you forget to
put the toilet seat up

and pee all over it, like
that kind of annoying?

- I don't pee on
the toilet seat.

[Tanya chuckling] I been
peein' straight for years.

I'm a whole grown-ass man.

- [chuckles] I hear ya, brother.

What?

- [scoffs] See this one here
doesn't pee on the seat.

No, he leaves it up.

So that when I go
and sit down yeah,

my whole ass almost
touches the toilet water.

- [chuckles] Like you could fit.

Oh c'mon, I haven't did
that in two or three weeks.

- Because I told you
if it happened again,

there would be extreme
consequences and repercussion.

- Why do you always
have to threaten me

when we're just discussing?

- [chuckles] 'Cause
I said what I said

and I meant what I meant.

Continue.
- Yes, please.

- Oh and I mean, what grown-ass
man still wears briefs?

I mean, really.

- Okay, I'm doin' that to try
to keep my sperm count up.

You know 'cause maybe we
wanna have babies some day.

- I do wanna have
babies one day,

but I find it a little difficult

to get into the baby-making mode

when my man walks in
the room with briefs

with Stewie on
the front of them.

- I love "Family Guy".

- [laughs] Me, too.

Oh, Brian cracks me up.

You know sometimes
when we have days off,

we smoke a little weed you know

and then we binge
watch it on Netflix.

Don't we, boo?

- So why don't you
tell us how you met?

- Oh, that's kind
of a funny story.

- Yeah, we got this
mutual friend named Mike.

- Yeah and he thought
it would be a good idea

to set us up on a blind date.

- Boy, was he wrong. [chuckles]

I mean, at first.

He was wrong at first.

- Anyways, it was
quite a few years ago.

[intriguing cymbal music]

- So what do you
do for a living?

- Right now, I'm in
school for psychology.

I wanna become a therapist.

- Oh, the rapist.

- What, excuse me?

What?

- It's somethin' my
friends and I say.

Basically, you can never know

what's goin' on inside
somebody's head.

So therapist is just rapin'
people for their money.

The rapist.

- No, no, no.

Psychology is a completely
legitimate profession

and therapists help
millions of people

cope with their lives.

- I'm sure they do.

- What is it that you do?

- I'm in school for business.

I wanna open my own
firm, be my own boss.

- It's funny, I
can't really see you

being the boss of anything.

- I get it.

You felt insulted, so you
wanted to in turn insult me.

Not somethin' I would
recommend a therapist do,

but I get it.

It's cool.

I got thick skin.

- Yeah and one
with a thick skull.

- Excuse me?

- Nothing.

I didn't, nothing.

- So what kinda men
do you usually date?

- I don't.

I don't date.

Not dating men right now.

Just focus on my dissertation.

- Oh, so what do you do for sex?

- Excuse you?

That's a little personal,
don't you think?

- I mean, everybody
does it, you know?

Unless you're celibate.

Mike knows not to hook me
up with a celibate chick.

You're not celibate, are you?

- No, I'm not celibate.
- [chuckles] Okay, good.

Just 'cause Mike does
like to play games.

One time he hooked me
up with this deaf chick.

It was crazy.

I thought she was married

'cause she wouldn't
answer the phone.

But she would text, you know?

It was cool.

We went out dancing.

She couldn't keep a beat.

But she was a white girl,
so we got away with it.

Still smashed though. [chuckles]

She was bad as hell.

- Well, I am not celibate.

And you won't be smashing,

so you don't have
to worry about that.

- So you don't date or anything?

- You know what?

I have friends.

- Dick in a bottle.

- What?

- Emergency dick in a bottle.

It's like when women say
they have male friends,

what they really have is
like guys that hang around

in case they get to smash.

- [chuckles] No,
that's ridiculous.

Men, no, no, no, no.

No, all men don't
think about smashing.

Men and women can
just be friends too.

- [chuckles] Oh, you serious.

- Yes.

- Oh, no no no.

- Yes, they can.

- No, men and women
cannot be plutonic friends

unless one of 'em is ugly.

If there's any kind
of mutual attraction,

eventually it's goin' down.

It's just a matter of time.

- It's not true.

- It's true.

- It's not true.

- Okay, you've never
had any male friends

that you ended up smashing.

- First of all, I don't
smash or get smashed.

And second of all,

it's not really any of
your business what I do.

- Sounds like a yes.

[romantic accordion music]

It's a nice place, right?

- Yes.

Well I hate to even ask,

but what kind of
women do you date?

- Oh, I don't date.

Datin' implies it's
goin' somewhere.

God knows I don't want that.

- [chuckles softly] So
mainly strippers and thots.

- Strippers, yes.

Thots, no.

Too classy for that.

But I do humble
all types of women:

doctors, lawyers, accountants,
podiatrists, pedestrians.

That's women who
cross the street.

Pescetarians, they eat fish.

Episcopalian, that's
some kind of--

- Yeah.

So wait, humble.

What does that mean you humble?

- Humble 'em.

You know, you take a woman

who thinks she knows
everything, right?

She's all self-assured and
confident and you break it down.

Sex with me is a
humbling experience.

- [chuckles] Okay yeah, right.

I'm sure sex with
you is anything but a
humbling experience.

Humiliating, maybe;
but humbling, no.

- You gonna test that?

- No love, I'm good.

But you can enjoy it.

- When's the last
time you been humbled?

- Excuse you?

- I'm sayin' when's the
last time you had sex?

- That's none of
your damn business.

- Sounds like a long-ass time.

See, what you need to
do from time to time

is let that freak flag
fly, let that cat run wild.

What you savin' it for anyway?

Is it marriage?

I'ma tell you comin' from
a man's point of view

really don't care
about all that,

as long as it doesn't have
too much mileage on it.

- You are so disgusting.

- Well, I am.

- Excuse me, you
guys doin' okay?

You need anything?

- I'm good, you?

- No.
- I'm fine.

- Well let me know if
you change your mind.

- I will.

- Last month.

- What?
- I had sex last month.

- Oh, now I'm gettin' somewhere.

- Mm-hmm.

- What's his name?

- It doesn't matter.

You don't even know him.

- 'Kay.

Did he humble you,

make your toes
curl, knees knock?

- That's way too
much information.

- Sounds like a no.

I'm just sayin'
that's not really sex.

You know, women who have a
sexual experience with me,

they have heart palpitations.

They have shortness of breath.

You know, they
experience pure nirvana.

It's blissful.

It's almost spiritual.

You know, a lotta times
they start cryin'.

- Crying?

- Crying.

- Yeah, right. [chuckles]

- Oh yeah, seriously.

Real tears.

All that emotion just flows.

- You do know all women know
how to cry on queue, right?

It's kind of one of
our secret weapons.

- It's not a secret weapon.

It's not a real thing.

Real thing is they
cry in front of me.

[romantic accordion music]

Cry on queue, real mature.

[Tanya weeping]

What's wrong?

- How could you do this to me?

- What'd I do?

Do what?

- You said it's
on my face. [sobs]

- Hey, people are lookin'.

People are looking.

- I don't care who's looking.

[weeps] I don't care.

- She's playin'.

It's a joke, y'all.

- I'm not.

No, I'm not.

- Stop stop stop.

Please please, stop stop.

Stop, stop.
- No, no, no, no!

[Tanya sighing]

[chuckles] See?

I told you.

All women can do it.

- Are you crazy?

- Gimme the check please?

- So was he your friend?

- Was who my friend?

- Dude you last smashed.

- I told you, I
don't get smashed.

And yes, I guess I've
known him for a while.

So yes, he was my friend.
- See?

That's what I'm talkin' about.

- What?

- Men and women cannot
be plutonic friends.

Eventually it's goin' down.

You gonna let him hit it again?

- What?

No, no.

- Hell, he must not
have been good then.

[Tanya scoffing]

I always get repeat
performances.

They just want it again and
again and again and again

and again and again.
- Okay yeah, yeah.

Yes, yes.

Okay, whatever.

I hear you.

And just because we
haven't had sex again,

doesn't mean it wasn't good.

I told you, focused on my
dissertation right now.

- Well just 'cause
you're focused,

doesn't mean you can't get
humbled with some regularity.

He just didn't hit it right.

- [grunts] It doesn't
have anything to do

with him hitting it right.

I'm focused.

Lemme explain somethin' to you:

When women get focused
about something,

we don't let anything
distract us, 'kay?

It's like Diana
Ross in "Mahogany."

No matter how much
she loved Billy Dee,

her career always came first.

- You know, that's like
my mom's favorite moment.

- Smart woman.

- Seen it like a million times

and she came back to Billy Dee

because he was humbling her.

- No.

- Yeah.

- No.
- Mm-hmm.

- No, that wasn't the reason.

She came back because
she loved him.

- And his stroke.

Don't call him Billy
Dee for nothin'.

D.

- Are you ever gonna grow up?

[car engine roaring]

- It's a nice neighborhood.

- Thanks.

- So can I come up?

- No.

- Why not?

- 'Cause I barely even know you.

- That's how you get
to know somebody.

You invite 'em up,
have a little tea

and you can spike it a
little bit. [both chuckling]

- No, it's late and I
have class in the morning.

So I'm okay, thanks.

- Okay, I'll walk you up.

- No, I'm fine.

The door's where I can see it.

[Tanya shrieking]

What are you doing?

- Kissing you goodnight?

- No no no, it's not happening.

I don't want one.

- But--
- This is ending,

but there's no goodnight kiss.

No,

thank you.

Goodnight.

- 'Kay, that's not how it went.

- I was a perfect gentleman.

And at the end of the night,
it was her tryin' to kiss me.

- I guess this is it.

No, what're you doin'?

- I'm just givin'
you a kiss goodnight.

- No, no, no.

This is our first night.

- I just want--
- Relax.

I'm not that easy.

No no no.

No, stay there.

No no no, don't kiss my finger.

[Tanya smooching]

You're makin' it weird,
you're makin' it weird.

Don't be weird.

Okay, all right.

Have a good night.

Get home safe.

- In your dreams!

I couldn't stand you.

You were such an asshole.

- You forgot charming.

I was a charming asshole.

- [chuckles] I know exactly
what you mean, honey.

My husband: Yeah, he's
a charmin' asshole too.

- Excuse you?

- Oh, don't be so sensitive.

I did say you were charming,

but I call you an
asshole all the time.

- Not in front of the
clients. [chuckles]

- Asshole. [chuckles]

- Continue.

- Anyways, couple years later,

we ended up bumping
into each other again.

- [Alan] How you holdin' up?

- You know how I'm with funerals

Boss, this was terrible.

I mean, who quotes the
Migos during the eulogy?

- Nobody would pass
the Courvoisier.

- I'm the puller tonight.

Don't worry 'bout payin'.

All the ladies
are free before 10

and drink specials
all night long.

- Teddy.

- Yeah yeah, tell 'em you
gettin' lit with Teddy.

- Why, is that true?

- Yes. Listen, you guys
need more adventure.

'Cause look when
people leave here,

they get tired of this tragedy

and they wanna come
get lit with Teddy.

- No shame.

- Listen, the
mackin' is crackin'.

You best to get with it.

Funerals is where it's at.

- That's ridiculous.

- Can't believe Craig just
checked out like that.

[Teddy exhaling]

- How do you drown
in a bath tub?

- I don't know, black
people can't swim.

- Hello, Alan.

- Hello, Rhonda.

- Well, I just
wanted to say hello.

- You did.

- You care to explain
what that was all about?

- Yeah, man.

I thought that was your girl.

- I don't wanna talk about it.

- You gon' cry, huh?

- I'm not about to cry.
- [Teddy] C'mon, man.

I can't take you nowhere.

- I got allergies.

- I got no damn handkerchief
and you are not invited to it.

- Oh, Jesus!

- Oh, my baby.

Why my baby?

- Sweet blessed baby Jesus.

He took my baby, Satan.

He took my baby!

Oh my god, Pat.

I'm hot.

Somebody fan me.

Fan me, I'm hot!

Oh Lord, I'm through with you.

So take me, don't take my baby!

He was my baby's baby.

- Didn't know Craig and
his mom were so tight.

- Hell no, she didn't
like his black ass.

Kicked him out when he was two.

- Yeah, that's true.

- You know, black people
gotta act up at the funeral.

You know the Lord giveth
and the Lord taketh away.

Been goin' to church lately,
workin' on my soul and spirit.

Damn, she got a phat ass.

- Hey, is that Tanya?

- It sure is.

♪ Where she come from

♪ Where she come from

♪ And I want that girl

♪ Right now

♪ And I want that girl

♪ Right now

♪ And I want that girl

♪ Right now

♪ I want a girl like

♪ I want a miss

- Hey, Tanya.

- Hey.
- Tanya.

- Hello, Alan.

- [Alan] Oh you're
looking quite the--

- Hey, baby.

- Oh hey.

[lips smacking]

- I'm sorry, I just
saw some people I knew.

- It's okay.
- It's okay, you sure?

- [coughs] Gross.

- Guys, this is
my fiance, Xavier.

- Alan.

- Wow, nice grip
there, little fella.

- You got small hands,
so there's that.

- Yeah, I heard that before.

No, but I haven't.

- Baby, remember I was telling
you about Mike's friend Alan?

- That's Alan?

[Tanya chuckling]

- I'm Mike's friend now.
- Look babe, I gotta go.

I got that preacher out here.

- You must be an attorney.

- District attorney.

- Oh.

- Yeah, it was nice meeting
you fellas, all right?

Especially you, Alfred.

- Alan.

- My bad, man.

There was Batman and
everything. [chuckles]

- And you're a Joker,
so there's that too.

- Yeah, yes.

Just don't get arrested.

[Alan chuckling]

[lips smacking]

- All right, okay.

Still gross.

[reverent organ music]

That's a nice guy.

- Anyways, it's kinda crazy
what happened to Craig, right?

He was a really great guy.

- Yeah, he was.

But you know, sometimes.
- Yeah, no no.

It's okay.

I'm just gonna go now
because this has been

a little too much for me.

- Damn, she even
fine when she cry.

- Yeah.

- [Both] I'ma walk
her to her car.

- No no no, you stay here.

Watch him.

I'ma walk her to her car.

Hey.

[Tanya scoffing] Do you mind
if I walk to you to your car?

- No, thanks.

I'm fine.

- But you know, I wouldn't
be much of a gentleman

if I let you walk all the
way to your car by yourself

in this hostile environment.

- We're outside of a church.

- A church in East Point.

- [Tanya] And as far as I
remember, you're no gentleman.

- People change.

- No, they don't.

They just get older.

- So you're engaged now?

- Happily.

- So he's humbling you.

- Wow.

- Hey, maybe we should
hang out together sometime.

Just grab some
coffee as friends.

- I thought men and
women can't be friends.

- They can't.

But in certain
special situations,

like the death of a friend.

- Please don't use Craig's death
to try and get in my pants.

It's lame.

- That is very insulting.

Besides, you're in a dress.

I can't get in your pants.

Okay, where's your car?

- You know, I'm gonna
reach for my pepper spray.

- Oh, you know what?

You can get to your
car by yourself.

- Yeah, I can.
- I think.

- I thought so.

- You still got
my number, right?

- [Tanya] Nope.

- Call me.

[birds chirping]

You wanted me and you know it.

- Yeah, I wanted you to die.

You know, I kept wishing
it was you in that coffin

instead of Craig.

- Ooh, that's coldblooded.

- [chuckles] Wishing
death on anyone

isn't a healthy way to
handle your emotions.

- Yeah but you, you
don't understand the tool

that he used to be.

- All right, she had a lotta
emotions goin' on that day.

She was still engaged
to this clown.

The one with the
breath named uh--

- His name was Xavier.

And why are you still
bringing that up?

You know that's still a
very sore subject for me.

- Okay, so you know what?

I totally understand
where you're comin' from.

You know, before Tupac died,
he tried to holla at me

and I didn't holla back.

Worst mistake I ever
made in my life.

- Oh, right.

Okay, here we go.

Here we go. [chuckles]

What, you still have
feelings for Two-pack?

- No, baby, no.

Now c'mon now.

You know I only have
feelings for you, boo.

- Yeah, well I was about to say.

- Calm down.
- Calm down.

- [Both] You calm down.

Don't tell me what to do!

- You know, you just mad
'cause I was in a video.

- Oh you were cut
outta the video.

- Y'all continue on.

- It was couple years later?
- 'Bout a year, yeah.

- Somethin'.

So I figured I'll
play it smooth.

Kinda like our favorite place.

Get the dessert that she likes.

Creep in one night,
slide into her bed.

Somebody had already slid in.

- What?

No.

- The mailman.

[Teddy and Mike laughing]

- You know how I know your
dick is trash? [laughs]

How you let the mailman
bang your chick?

What do you have to
say for yourself?

- Look here, I'm startin' to
hurt about your girl, dawg.

I mean, I really
thought she was the one.

- Yeah, me too.

- I've never seen you with a
girlfriend since high school

when you used to date--
- No, no.

- Theresa James.

- TJ.

- TJ, that's it. [laughs]

- He loved her.

- Yeah, he did.

Even wore matchin' outfits
to Six Flags, didn't he?

- Oh, come on.

- [chuckles] Look,
I'm sorry, man.

- Another round, fellas.
- Yeah.

- Aw yeah.

There it is.

Thanks, bro.

- Yo, look.

You know, you should
smile a little more.

You got really pretty teeth.

[soft hip-hop music]

- Wow.

- Did he just flirt with me?

- I think that was a little
bit more than flirtin', bro.

- I'm sayin' it's like
the third time this week.

- And it's only Tuesday.

- Now do I give off the
gay vibe or somethin'?

- A little bit.
- Pretty much.

- Fuck y'all.

That was a rhetorical
question, come on.

Are you masculine?

- Anyway man, that was
the whole datin' thing.

Finished with relationships.

I'm goin' back to bein' savage.

- You know, Tanya's
still available.

- Oh word?
- Mm-hmm.

- Fuck yeah.

That's her story, man?
- Mmm, yeah.

Tellin' you, I'm just
doin' Western High a favor.

- Mm-hmm.

Yes, Lord.

- Yeah, shit ain't right.

- No no no.

I'm not hittin' that girl up.

- Shit, if you don't, I will.

- [chuckles] I can't help it.

- So Tam, how'd the date
with a black girl go?

- [scoffs] It was a mess.

He was a self-centered,
egotistical asshole.

- So you slept with him.

- Of course.

He was fine as hell.

- Tam, that's why you're
not gonna get a good man.

- Why not?

- 'Cause you keep
settling for less.

Didn't you work with a
sports journalist too?

You can't get actual nookie
were you eat your cookie.

- Excuse me.
- What?

- Can you please step
down off the cross

for a second, ma'am?

We need the word.

- I'm just lookin' out for you.

I care 'bout you and your heart.

I do.

- I'm just a sucker for a man

who is tall over 6'1",

nice skin, beautiful teeth,

nice dimples, 12 o'clock shadow.

Oh, a nice body and big feet.

He has to have big feet.

- And seven figures.

- Definitely seven
figures. [chuckles]

- See, you're not gon'
catch the ultimate prize

with that list or mentality.

- Why not?

I mean, I think I'm poppin'.

I have over 5,000
followers on Instagram.

- Doesn't mean anything.

It doesn't.

- Yes, it does.

How many followers do
you have on Instagram?

- That's besides--
- Exactly.

So Ashley, so how'd
you meet Braxton?

- So my girlfriend took
me down to the yacht club

in Savannah.
- Ooh.

- And there he was standing
there sipping a martini

in all of his tall, dark,
handsome glory. [chuckles]

- Ooh, the church say amen.

- Well do it, honey.
[laughs playfully]

- One day I hope
I find my Braxton.

You need to let me
come hang out with you.

- Oh for sure, girl.

Oh and you need to
come too, Tanya.

Yes woman, you need a man.

- No no, guys.

I am good.

I'm so good right now.

I'm just focusing getting the
practice up off the ground.

I don't have time to date men.

Don't have the time.

- It's time for you to
move on from Xavier.

- Mm-hmm.
- Excuse me?

[Tanya speaking faintly]

I'm over it.

I'm over him.

I have moved on.

I'm over him.

- No, you're not.

And you know they say, "The
best way to get over an ex."

- "Is to move on to the next."

[Ashley laughing]

- Of course.

- What?

- This guy that I went
on a blind date with

is ghost-followin'
me on Instagram now.

- Is he cute?

- Does he have money?

- He's cute.

He has some money.

- Lemme see this.

He is cute.

- Does he have big feet?

- Wouldn't know, he
was such an asshole.

- Girl, all men are assholes.

So we have to
shape and mold them

into the man you
want them to be.

- What are you doing?

- I followed him back for you.

- Tam, I don't wanna
be bothered with him.

- Oh, "Tanya is now
following you back."

I should DM her right
away or should I wait?

[soft intriguing music]

I mean, she did
follow me right back.

"Hey,

baby."

That's too immature.

I'm a whole grown-ass man.

So before I even
put my phone down,

she was following me back.

- In your dreams.

- Yeah, I was in your
dreams; naked and sweaty.

That's why you started
followin' me right back.

- You know, I like it when
a man talks all mannish.

Baby, why don't you talk
to me like that anymore?

I mean, remember we used
to play Home Intruder

and Stranger in the
House and all that stuff?

Come on now.

Remember you used to tie me up

and call mama friends?
- Don't do it.

Don't do it.
- C'mon now, c'mon.

- Hey.

Oh yeah. Can't we just
talk 'bout this later?

- Yeah, actually you're right.

- Please continue.

- Well after much debating,

I decided to go on a
second date with him.

- No no no, after much debating,

I decided to go on a
second date with her.

- No no no no no.

Anyways, we went
on a second date.

But only for coffee, so no
funny business, you know?

- She gets handsy.

[romantic guitar musiC]

- So at first, I mean the
relationship was perfect.

You know, we were both
so into our careers

and both wanted the same things.

The house with the
white picket fence,

2.3 kids, a dog named Fifi.

- Fifi?

Sounds like an ugly-ass dog.

- I like ugly dogs.

Ooh, the sex was great.

I finally understand what
you meant by the whole

"knock knee, toe-curling" thing.

Like when we had sex
for the first time,

I couldn't walk for days.

- That so?
- Mm-hmm.

- Oh, that's very uninteresting.

Go on.

- So we had sex everywhere:

the bathroom at the restaurant,
the beach and in a cab.

- Cab?
- Mm-hmm.

- Little low-budget.

Ever tried a plane?

- No, we haven't
done that one yet.

- Oh it's great.

It's scintillating.

Oh yeah. See, after you
have sex on a plane,

it's like much more relaxed.

- Huh, interesting.

Everything was great,

but then--

- What happened?

- He just decided that he
didn't wanna be married anymore.

- Who does that?

- I know, right?

He just didn't wanna
be married to me.

He's engaged to
some paralegal now.

They met on some case
that they're working on.

- You know, I heard they get
hamsters to mate like that.

They just look 'em up in a
cage and they'll [rubs fists]

Hamster sex, that's
what that means.

- Anyways, they're client got
off and I guess he did too.

[Alan chuckling]

- Sorry about that.

- Well life goes on
and I'm over him now.

And I thought it was gonna
take a while and it didn't,

which is a good thing.

- Yeah?
- Mm-hmm.

- That you're over him?
- Mm-hmm.

- That's good.

- So, you still out
here humbling women?

- Humbling.
- Mm-hmm.

- I'm in off-season.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

I actually got out of a long
relationship with someone.

- You?
- Me.

- You?
- I.

- What?
- Yeah.

- I thought you would
never settle down.

- Me too.

- What happened?

- Let's go for a walk.

It's a nice day.

- Okay.

[birds chirping]

- Yeah so Rhonda,
she was my first.

We were in a relationship
ever since Theresa James

back in high school.

You know, I took that
girl to Six Flags.

Dressed like her and everything.

- Are you okay?

- Hmm?
- Are you okay?

- Yeah, why?

Got allergies.
- Your eye was just--

- No, I got allergies.

Don't worry 'bout that.
- Oh okay.

Wow, Six Flags.

That must've been fun.

I haven't been to an amusement
park since I was a kid.

I would love to go again.

- I'll keep that in mind.

- You know, think I'm
better off without Xavier.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

Well, people always say that.

They say that you're better
off without the other person.

Do they really mean it?

I mean.
- Yeah.

- You think so?

- Yeah yeah, I think so.

[both chuckling]

- I mean, you know like
Michael and Juanita.

They got that divorce.

You know, sure she
got half his money.

But I think she still
rather be Mrs. Jordan.

- I think her last name
still is Jordan actually.

- Her first name isn't Mrs.

- [scoffs] Whatever.

- That was my last
name. I want it back.

I'm keepin' it.
- [chuckles] I get it, okay?

- I want Mike for my last name.

- I get it.

[soft soothing music]
[birds chirping]

- Hey, remember we went
on that terrible date

back in the day?

- Oh, that horrible date?

- Oh yeah.
- Oh yeah, how could I forget?

- Yeah and I apologize
for that by the way.

- Thank you.

- Think the issue was I just
wasn't really as into you

then as you were into me.

- I was so not into you.

- What?

- So not into you.

- You were very much into me.

You were just a confused
little girl back then.

- I was confused.

- Very confused.

- No, I think you were
the confused one, Alan.

- Maybe I was.

- You were.

- I'm not confused now.

- Okay.

- I'm not as confused now.

[birds chirping]
[soft romantic music]

Anyway, I was thinkin'
maybe we could

do it again as friends.

- I though men and women
couldn't be friends.

- Maybe I was wrong.

- Okay.
- Yeah?

- I'll go to dinner with
you, but it's not a date.

- It's not a date.
- No.

- It's not a date.
- No.

- How can it be a date?
- It's not a date.

- Yeah, no.
- Okay.

- Just as friends.
- Yeah.

- But just 'cause we're
friends and we're out

doesn't mean we can't
you know, consummate.

- Yeah, that's not gonna happen.

- No, I know it's
not gonna happen.

- Like ever.

- No.

- So don't even
bring it up anymore.

- 'Cause we're friends.

- End of discussion.

- But if we did,

it would be cool.
- New topic.

What else you wanna talk about?

He was so nice this
time and funny.

He made me laugh.

- You know they say if
you make a woman laugh,

you can make her do anything.

- Right.

- I don't know
'bout all of that.

I mean, don't get me wrong.
My husband, he makes me laugh.

But that don't mean I'm
gonna do any and everything.

You should see some of the
freaky-deaky nasty stuff

he be askin' me to do.
- No no no no no.

- For real.

We have hula hoops and jello.

You know, ferrets
and whipped cream.

- [Mr. Smith] This
is about them.

- Who does hot Mex
and jelly beans?

- [Mr. Smith] Can we just
continue with the session?

- Well we did begin
to hit it off.

As friends, of course.

Just friends.

- [Reporter] On the next
"Real Sidepieces of Atlanta."

- You bitches don't
even deserve no candles.

- [bleeps] you.

[women shrieking]

- [bleeps] me?

[bleeps] you!

[women shouting]

- Hey, hey!

She's [bleeps].

- [bleeps] you!

[women shouting]
[foreboding piano music]

- They need a
stronger black girl.

[cellphones blooping]

- Hey.

- Hey, what you mean why not?

- Just that, why not?

Why did you text and ask?

Why didn't you just pick
up the phone and call?

- It's creepy.

Who does that?

- People that actually
wanna talk on the phone.

- I'm not that thirsty.

Anyway,

whatcha doin'?

Thinkin' about me?

- No, why would I be doin' that?

- 'Cause I'm sexy.

- [chuckles] Whatever.

- Hey, you remember the
first date we went on

[Tanya scoffing]

where you were talkin' about

you wanted to focus
on your career

like Diana Ross in "Mahogany?"

- You remember
that conversation?

- 'Course I remember that.

You said you would leave
Billy Dee for Anthony Perkins.

- Okay, you don't remember
that conversation.

That's not what I said.

What I said was I would leave
Billy Dee for my career.

[sighs] But I did just
see "Lady Sings the Blues"

the other night and I
may have spoken too soon

'cause Billy Dee
was fine as shit.

- Wait, what about me?

- What about you?

- I'm fine too, right?

- You're all right.

- All right?

- Yeah, that's a compliment.

That's good.

- Oh right.

I need to get your eyes checked.

I know a world-renowned
specialist

that needs to look
at your cornea.

- Well like I said
again, you aight.

- Anyway,

we had fun, right?

- We did.

- We should do it again soon.

- That sounds good.

- How 'bout this weekend?

I wanna take you somewhere.

- Where?

- It's a surprise.

- I don't like
surprises, mm-mmm.

- You'll like the
surprise, trust me.

- Okay.

Yeah.

- And just 'cause we goin'
somewhere and it's just us,

don't think you can
get all handsy with me.

We still just friends.

- Oh, yeah yeah yeah.

'Cause I've just been
wanting to touch you

all over your body.

- I heard.

I heard you get grabby.

- You're just so
sexy and oh my god,

I should just cut off
my hands to be honest.

- I mean, we'll put
some mittens on you.

Like, whatever it takes.

- [chuckles] Whatever.

Lemme get back to
watchin' my show

and I'll talk to you later.

- Yeah.

Yeah, that's cool.

[soft jazz music]

- Are you gon' hang up?

- You gon' hang up?

- You can go first.

- You hang up first.

- No, you go first.

- I'm a gentleman.

- Okay.
- Yup.

Yeah.

[dial tone beeping]

Hello?

How the hell she
gon' hang up first?

[soft soul music]
[crowd screaming]

♪ Believe

♪ Gotta believe

♪ You gotta believe,
believe, believe ♪

♪ We're a winner baby

♪ Don't let nobody
tell us different ♪

♪ I was the center baby

♪ So you get it all
with no resistance ♪

♪ And you saw through me baby

♪ And I saw somethin'
deep within you ♪

♪ Every time I was
ready to let it go ♪

♪ You gave me a
reason to continue ♪

♪ 'Cause what we
are's so beautiful ♪

♪ And what we be
is so intelligent ♪

♪ And what we see's
so touchable ♪

♪ And what they say's
- Yay!

♪ And what we share's
so incredible ♪

♪ Just so that no
one can imagine ♪

♪ And what we have
ain't all physical ♪

♪ Together anything can happen

♪ I came here to
understand the real you ♪

♪ I wanna know what
you been through ♪

♪ I wanna be the one you talk
to ♪ The one you call on ♪

♪ The one you lean and fall on

♪ I wanna be your inspiration

♪ I'm here to be your strength

♪ And you're here
to be my patience ♪

♪ It's gonna take
determination ♪

♪ But if we try we can fly

- Oh gosh, I had such a
great time tonight, Alan.

Thank you so much.

- You're welcome.

- It's a lotta fun.

- Yeah, me too.

- Yeah.

You know, I thought
you were a real asshole

in the beginning, but
I really like you.

- Oh, thank you for that
backhanded compliment.

- See how I brought
it back around though?

[Alan chuckling]
You see?

You see how I did that?

- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.

- No, I like you too.

Not as much as you
like me probably.

But you know, we'll get there.

- And there he is.

There's the asshole.
[Alan chuckling]

Anyway, I don't think
that we should stop

seeing other people just yet.

You know, we should just
keep our options open.

- Option friend?
- Yeah.

- Oh.
- Mm-hmm.

- Oh no, stop
seein' other people?

- Yeah.
- Oh no.

- Not yet.
- My option's been open.

- Yeah.

- Have you been?

You ever been?

- Of course.

I mean, of course.

- Okay.
- 'Course.

- [Alan] Yeah.

- I mean I went on
a date with a guy

the other night actually.

- Really.
- Mm-hmm.

- What night was this?

- It was...

I don't know, but it
was the other night.

So much fun. [chuckles]

- Okay.

I swore I saw you though.

- Yeah, I went out too.

- Did you?
- Yeah, yeah.

It wasn't a few
nights ago though.

It was like last night.

- Oh,

hmm.

- You know how I like 'em.

You know, she was bad.

Big ol' booty.

- Mm-hmm, yeah.

- [Alan] Right?

- Well that's good for you
that you got what you wanted.

But you know, I
just wanna make sure

that we're not forsaking our
friendship through all this.

You know, make sure we
keep our options open.

- No no no, we don't
forsake the friendship.

- [Tanya] Right.

- You know, the friendship
is the important thing.

- I agree.

Look at you actin' all
grown up and stuff.

- What you mean acting grown?

- Acting grown.

I am so proud of you.

You know, you actually have
a real lady friend now.

What are your guys
gonna say about that?

- My guys?

- Yeah.

- My friends, the
gentlemen I hang out with?

- What are your gentlemen
friends gonna say 'bout that?

- Yeah, they're very mature.

They're gonna handle
it like gentlemen do.

- Oh.

- You sound like a real bitch.

Are you serious?

Friends?

- Ted, guys and
girls can be friends.

- Oh yeah,

gay guys.

[Teddy and Mike laughing]

- That just tickles you, huh?

- Look A,

I gotta admit, dawg.

I'ma bit surprised to hear you
of all people talk like that.

- And so am I.

- Whatever happened to the whole
emergency dick in a bottle?

- Ah, maybe that's it.

Maybe Alan is dick in
a bottle for Tanya.

- No?
- No dick in a bottle.

We're just genuine friends.

- What?

Wait, why?

It's the truth, dude.

You been right about
this all these years.

A guy and girl can't be friends.

Dude's just playin' big brother

until you know,
she slips and falls

and you can help her up by
catchin' her on his dick.

And the girls are
no better, man.

She's just waitin'
to grab the bottle,

break it over the table then
release the kraken. [laughs]

- Not in this case, all right?

This just a genuine friendship.

It is possible.

- That might be true, man.

Look, me and Tanya's been
good friends for years.

She's good people.

- That could be
because maybe Mike

is the emergency
dick in a bottle.

- No.

No dicks, no bottles.

- No shit.

Damn.

[Tamela chuckling]

- So how are things
going with you and Alan?

- Ooh.

- You guys, there's
no me and Alan.

We're just friends.

- Okay girl, who do you
think you're kiddin'?

Y'all spend a lot
of time together

and I saw you all booed up
on Instagram the other day

at the amusement park.

- We were just at the same
place at the same time.

We're not booed up.

- You know, that's
how I first remember

me and that NBA player.

- Oh god.
- The next thing you know

we were all hot and heavy.
- Tam, what is his name?

Why do you keep callin'
him the NBA player?

- Girl, I can't tell
because I had to sign

a non-disclosure agreement.

I mean, it was fine.

[Tanya and Tamela chuckling]

- Now look, I think
it's a good thing

that you and Alan are
starting off as friends.

That's how any meaningful
relationship begins.

- Guys, again.

Listen, not headed toward
any kind of relationship

or anything like that.

We're just friends.

- Just friends.
- Friends.

- Well I will admit.

It has been nice.

He's really funny
and he's smart.

- See, see?

That's at least two things on
that long-ass list of yours.

- That list is not long.

My list is not long.

I know what I want.

- What?

C'mon, you want Superman?
- Now what you need to do

is just throw that stupid
list away and just feel.

- Not too much.

- Hello?

- Hey.

How's the whole dating
thing goin' for you?

- Horrible.

Do you know how hard it
is to find an educated,

good looking black man
who is six foot tall,

good credit, no kids and
believes in monogamy?

- Not really.

Haven't been lookin' for one.

But if you find him, you
might wanna capture him

and examine him
under a Petrie dish.

- What you're sayin' is
there's no good black men

out there basically.

- Somebody with all those
qualities is probably gay.

- [grunts] Don't even
get me started on that.

- Yeah.

I mean if you take
all the brothers

outta the equation that are
either locked up, unemployed,

D-boys, wannabe pimps,

you know by the time you get
done, you're just left with us.

- Us?

- Me and one other dude.

- Listen listen, you're
my friend and all,

but you're not what I would
describe as a good man.

- No because I'm a great man.

I'm educated, outwardly
bound, dashingly handsome,

no kids, 700 plus credit score.

I'm what most women
would refer to as zaddy.

- Okay, zaddy.

Well I mean you have
a few good qualities

that women would like.

But I mean, you're a dog.

- I'm not a dog.

- [sighs] You sleep with women
and then you keep it moving.

That's a dog.

- You thinkin' about the old me.

See, before Rhonda I might've
been a dog, but not anymore.

- So you never
cheated on Rhonda.

- Defined cheated.

- Any intimate
contact with a woman.

- Explain intimate contact.

- Oh my god, Alan.

Are you joking?

Now you see why
she cheated on you?

- Hey hey, that's
still a sore subject.

- Okay.

Look, I'm sorry.

I apologize.

But I mean, what do you expect?

Like if you're not
being faithful to her,

what do you really expect?

- For her not to do it to me.

I mean if you go
out and cheat on me

while I'm out cheatin'
on you, it's over.

That's the ultimate disrespect.

- Well that's such
a double standard.

- How's that a double standard?

It's in the Bible.

I didn't write it.

- Look, men in the Bible were
never punished for infidelity.

Women, stoned to death.

- [sighs] Whatever.

This conversation is over.

What are you doing this weekend?

- I don't know, wanna hang out?

- That sounds good.

- Okay, pick you up.

[soft soul music]

♪ I feel like I'm caught
up in your robbery ♪

♪ 'Cause you stole my
heart and now it's yours ♪

♪ Can't beat the odds
and signed your lottery ♪

♪ But I'ma keep
playin' these numbers ♪

♪ 'Cause you're one
in a million yeah ♪

♪ And I done seen
a million faces ♪

♪ My heart ain't goin' nowhere

♪ Even though I'm seen
in different places ♪

♪ I

♪ Feel like I been chosen

♪ I

♪ I'm your victim
and you know it ♪

♪ Got my hands tied

♪ They're tied

♪ Tongue tied

♪ Tongue tied

♪ Bing-bang

- Wow.

That is an amazing view.

♪ You got me

- You're welcome. ♪ Say
baby baby, you got me ♪

- Whatever.

[Alan speaking faintly]

♪ You got me

♪ Oh have your way, girl

♪ Have your way

♪ Anything you say girl

♪ I'm glad you will, girl

♪ Anything you want I will

♪ 'Cause baby baby, you got me

♪ You got me, you got me

♪ Sing baby baby you got me

♪ You got me, you got me

♪ Got me

♪ You got me

♪ I'm point blank

♪ I'm all up in your range

♪ She's tellin' me
to hit the floor ♪

♪ I'm thinkin' her foreplay

- [Tanya] It's a nice view, huh?

- And that was the
night she fell in love.

- Please.

Come on, that was
just a little peck.

He got all excited.

I think he even had a little
erection to be honest.

[both chuckling]

- [chuckles] Wait a minute.

You got an erection from
somethin' as simple as a kiss?

- She said little erection.
- Ooh, child.

- First of all, I did
not get an erection.

- It's okay, it's okay.

You know, it happened.

I think it's cute. [chuckles]

- If I did get n erection,
it'd be anything but cute.

It's be a monster [growls]
just waitin' to bust out.

Frightening, horrifying.

- Okay honey, you're
doin' too much.

You bein' real
light-skinned right now.

Okay [chuckles], let's continue.

Okay, yeah.

- Well I will admit
that after that night,

I did start to feel a
little different about him.

- She fell in love.

[soft serene music]

Why do women always
have to shop so much?

- I have to find somethin'
to wear for our dinner

with Mike and his
girlfriend tonight.

- You gonna wear all that
stuff you bought today tonight?

- No, but while I was out
lookin' for my outfit,

I just bought a couple of
the cute things I wanted.

That's all.
- Seems a little extra to me.

I shop once a season maybe.

See these jeans right here?

I had these since 2001.

- Yeah, I can tell.

I think you wore them
on our first date.

- Tryna say I don't dress fly?
- No, that's not what I said.

I just think that you can use
a pair of jeans, you know.

- Why?

These are great.

- But you can see
like the fading marks

where your change and
keyhole wallet go.

- That's sexy.

- That's not sexy.

- Whatever. Just seems
like a waste to me,

like spendin' money
on some new jeans.

- Don't you have
enough Jordans already?

- Can never have too many Js.

[Tanya gasping]

- Hey, whassup.

What's with you?

- Xavier is walking this way.

- Oh yeah.
- My teeth.

My teeth are great?

- Yeah, yeah, they're fine.
- Okay, just play it cool.

Just do what I say.

I'm toothless.

- Wow.

Tanya, how are you?

- I'm good, and you?

- I'm well.

Thank you for askin'.
- Yeah.

- My fiancee, Becky.

Becky meet Tanya.

- Oh, Tanya.

I've heard so much about you.

Ti's really nice to
meet you in person.

- [Alan] She's heard
so much about you.

- Uh-huh.

Likewise, likewise.

- I love your hair.

Can I like?

- Oh. [coughs]
- No.

No.

No.

- Hey, I'm Alan.

- Well this is my
boyfriend, Alan actually.

- Nice to meet you, Alan.

- Good to meet you.

- Wait a minute, didn't
we meet at that funeral?

- No.
- Funeral.

I'm not good with common faces.

- [chuckles sarcastically]
Yeah, right.

You guys were supposed
to be friends.

- [squeaks] We started
off as friends,

but then it just became
so much more than that.

- [Both] So much
more. [chuckles]

- Yeah.

Oh.

Anyways, Alan and I were just
doing a little bit of shopping

because he owns his
own investment firm

and he just loves
to spoil his bae.

Isn't that right, Alan?

- Anything for bae.

My bae.

Gotta take care of this one.

[both chuckling]

You know.

- My bae too. [chuckles]

- You know I know.

[both chuckling]

- It's good seein' you guys.

Nice meetin' you, Alan.

- Yeah, you too, Javier.

- It's Xavier.

- Right, yes.

- All right.

- [Tanya] It was really
nice running into you there.

- Yeah, absolutely.

- Well take care and
congratulations again.

Can I see it

just really quick?
- Oh, yeah.

- Oh, looks just like mine.

- Yeah.
- It's actually pretty nice.

- It's all right.

- [Tanya] Look, we're
just gonna get outta here.

- Yeah.

- Just try to get
through here if we could.

Just gonna break up.

- Hey, good to meet you.

Hey hey hey hey hey.

- I can't believe he's
parading her around like that.

- His fiancee?

- Shh.

- Thought you over him.

- I am over him, but that
doesn't mean I want him

gallivanting the countryside
with her, his new girl.

- His fiancee.

- You got one more time.
- Right.

- Got one more time.
- Okay.

- And the nerve for
her to be white.

- I know, I know.

A white girl.

I hadn't messed
with no white girls,

not since college anyway.

Those were some good times.

Oh so free.

- What if somebody sees him?

I mean how humiliating
is that gonna be for me?

You know what?
- I mean

you already know y'all broke up.

- I'm done with men.

That's it. Yup, I'm done.
- Done with men?

- Mm-hmm, done with men.
- Wait wait wait.

What about women?

I'm sayin if you wanna
hook it up with some women,

I know a couple girls.

As long as I can watch,
it's gonna be fun.

- You know, locked doors in
this neighborhood or nothing.

It's crazy.

Baby, this here Alfredo,

amazing.

- Thank you, baby. [chuckles]

- You more than welcome.

Just wait 'til you get
to dessert. [chuckles]

- [Mike] Word?

- Yuck.

Yeah, it's really good, man.

How you guys have been
able to keep it together.

How do you keep it together
after all this time?

- That's easy, eh?

Love,

respect and trust.

- And nasty freaky sex,
lots of it. [chuckles]

- Hope you cleaned
up afterwards.

- Sometime.
- Sometimes.

- That's good, man.

Proud of you guys.

All these years, you been
able to hold it together.

I hadn't even been able to
hold my relationship together

after two years.

You know, it's like you
do everything right.

She still act like she got
other things she rather do

than work on a
relationship with you.

- Don't be so bitter.

You'll find that
special woman one day.

- [imitates tires
screeching] First of all,

Alan ain't bitter.

- [All] Yes, you are.

- It's true.

- I've been meaning to tell you.

I just couldn't find the
right time to tell you.

- Oh, you been
meaning to tell me?

- [Tanya] Mm-hmm.

- Now's the right time.

- I'm sorry.

- Among friends.

Thank you, appreciate that.

Thank you.

- Alan, look.

You just gotta take
it slow, little man.

Be friends with her first.

That's how me and Mike started].

- You know, Alan has
this whole theory.

- The dick in the bottle theory?

- You know about that.

- I do.

- It's not a theory if you
can prove it as a fact.

I'm just throwin' it out there.

- Hold up, hold up. What
is a dick in the bottle?

What's thaT?

- Well Alan's dick
in the bottle theory

is that a woman only keeps a
male friend around long enough

until she gets desperate enough

to have this mysterious thing

where she breaks the
emergency glass of dick.

- Girl, you are smart.

You picked that right up.

See, I knew, I knew.

- That is so not true.

I have plenty of male friends
that I've never had sex with.

- I mean, look at
Tanya and Mike.

You know, they have their
little thang in high school,

but it was nothin'.

Just a little touch foot,
[chuckles] that's all.

[soft foreboding music]

- Say what?

- They all know
'bout touch foot.

- Dinner was nice.

- Oh, yeah yeah yeah.

The pasta.

Pasta was really good.

- Mmm.
- Mm-hmm.

- Yeah, wasn't dry at all.

- No, it was actually
really moist.

How do you make that soft?

- Speakin' of dry, were
you ever gonna tell me

you dry humped Mike?

- [scoffs] Alan, we
were in high school.

It was nothing.

I mean, it's even
like he had sex.

- About the same thing.

How many times I busted in
my pants from dry humping?

That's beside the point.

The point is you
shoulda told me.

- [chuckles] Why?

We're just friends.

- Oh, just friends.
- Yeah.

- I guess that kiss
meant nothin' to you.

- The peck?

No, that was very innocent.

- That was not innocent.
- It was very innocent.

- No, not when you're tryin'
to slip me your tongue.

- I did not try to
slip you my tongue.

- You did try to
slip me your tongue

and I rejected you.
- No, I didn't!

Oh wow, okay.

I'm not gonna try and slip
you my tongue ever again

since you're gonna act this way.

- Yeah, I am gonna act this way.

Thank you.

[parking brake grinding]

[Alan sighing]

- Okay,

guess I'll go now.

- Cool.

- I'll talk to you later?

- [sniffs] That's what's up.

Hey, Tanya.

Try not to dry hump any of
my friends on the way in.

[all shouting]

- C'mon baby, go.

- Okay okay okay okay.

So it is an island fruit.

- Deception.

- No, I said it's a fruit.

It's bitter.

- Lies.

Lies are bitter.

- The hell kinda
fruit you eat, man?

- No,

it grows on trees.

- Oh oh, coconuts!

- Correct! [chuckles]

- You said sex.

[both laughing]

- Sometimes, it's
served on pizza.

- Infidelity.

- [gasps] Pineapples.

- Yes!

[women shouting]

- C'mon, man.

You have to wake up, man.

- I was gonna say that next.

I was gonna say pineapples next.

- Yo, who's next?

- Oh, I'll go. [clapS]
- Hell, I got you, babe.

Hold on one second.

All right.
- Where you going?

- They ain't got to get
ready, but get another drink.

[soft intriguing music]

- Okay, what's the problem?

- I ain't got no problem.

- Why are you ignoring my
phone calls and text messages?

- Maybe I been busy.

- Busy, my ass.

You're still mad about the
Mike thing, aren't you?

- You're damn right, still
mad about the Mike thing.

- Alan, I didn't even think it
was important at this stage.

- Ooh okay, at which
stage did you think

it was important to tell me

you had dry humped
my best friend?

- If we were gonna
get more serious,

I would've told you.

- Okay, all right, okay.

If we had got more serious.

I'm sorry but the other
night when we were kissin',

I figured that was
pretty serious.

Maybe it's just me.

Maybe I got a heart.

- Ooh, that is so sweet.

- That's not sweet.

Don't do the sweet thing.

Don't do that sweet shit right
now. No no, I am mad, okay?

I am angry.

I am upset, okay?

Right now, I'm
[growls] I'm angry.

I'm half man, half animal.

I'm manimal.

I'm carnivorous.

Hey.

- Hey, animal man.

- Hey.

- What's happenin'?

What's happenin'?

- Check it out, man. We have
the same thing from Gladys.

- Ask her this?

- Oh, he doesn't
live too far from me.

And I see that you're so
inherently enjoying yourself,

so [speaks faintly].

- I bet she do.
- Okay.

- She don't know, huh?

The mackin' is crackin'.

You just need to get with it.

- Right.

- Tam.
- Right.

[soft intriguing music]

- Well looks like
somebody hit it off.

- You're damn right.

- Alan, look.

I didn't think it
was that serious.

It was a long time ago.

- Can't just drop
stuff like that on me.

I got trust issues.

- I know.

Look, I'm sorry.

I'll never let it happen again.

- What, dry hump my friends?

- Yes, I will never dry hump
any one of your friends again.

To friends?

[Tanya screeching]

- Okay, none of the extra.

None of the extra stuff,
just gimme my glass.

- Here you go.

- A little heavy on
the sauce, ain't you?

- Yeah.

Ever since we ran into Xavier
and Becky the other day,

I've been really stressed out

and I thought I was completely
over him, but maybe not.

- Whoa hey, don't
you worry 'bout that.

'Cause tonight, me
and you, we partyin'.

Right?

- You're right.

- That's what we
here to do, right?

- We are.

- Gimme your glass.
- We are!

- That's my glass.

- Yeah, let's go.

C'mon.

- Oh shit.

[women laughing]

No, no.

It's a person, place or a thing.

- A circle.

- Why'd you say circle?

- That's a thing!

- [Alan] No, not a snorkel.

It's not a snorkel.

- It is a thing.

You put it in your mouth.
- Okay listen.

No, it's not.
- Yeah.

- No, it's not a snorkel.
Okay, keep thinkin'.

C'mon.
- Okay okay.

- Person, place or thing.

- A busted lip. [laughs]

- A busted lip?

She said a busted lip.

- Because you said thing.
- She said busted lip.

[Alan drowned out by Tanya]

You wanna bust my lip.

You wanna bust my lip.

I know you, I know you.

- Where are my shoes?

- Oh yeah.

They're right here.
[Tanya laughing]

- [Both] Shh, shh, shh, shh.

- You sure you two gonna be able

to make it home
all right tonight?

- Are you sure you
don't need help?

- If you said all that, you
can stay home, okay? [laughs]

- I'm a grown man.

I been drivin' since I was two.

Besides if I don't
drink and drive,

how am I gonna get home?

[Tanya shrieking]

How am I gonna get home though?

[Tanya shrieking and laughing]

No, don't drive
to seal the deal.

- I got a call.

I found it all.

I got those keys.

Where'd I put the
keys to the car?

Honestly, I'm good for that.

We good.

Oh, we don't need the car.

We don't need the car.

- All right.

- Do you need a car?
- All right,

call me when you
sit on the couch.

[Alan and Tanya laughing]

- Busted lip.
- No no no, it's not.

- It's thing.
- No, it's not a thing.

- It's a thing, it's
a thing. [laughs]

- Nobody says busted lip.

- Wait, lemme.

[keys jingling]
I found them.

- What's that?
- My keys.

- No no, how many
drinks you had tonight?

- I had a few drinks.

- How many?

- I had six.

- Six?

Six fuckin' drinks?
[Tanya laughing]

You all fucked up.

You're fucked up.

[chuckles] We're so fucked up.

- I'm not fucked up.
- Yes, you are.

No no no.
- I'm fine, I'm fine.

- No, I take you home.

- Fine.
- Yes.

- But.

- But what?

- Don't try any funny business.

- Me?

- Yes, you.

- No, you don't try.
- Don't touch me.

- No, you don't touch me.

- You don't touch me.

- [Both] You don't touch me.

[Tanya moaning pleasurably]

- [Alan] Where do you
live, where do you live?

- [Tanya] That way.

Holy shit. [laughs]

Okay.

- Ow, where's your keys?

This it?
- Mm-hmm.

- This is it?

- [breathes heavily] Wait, wait.

- This way.
- Yeah.

- You don't know where you
live? [both breathing heavily]

Oh oh, yeah, yeah!
[bed squeaking]

Does it hurt?

It's okay, breathe through it.

[exhales] That's first gear.

Here comes second,
you ready? [grunts]

Right [grunts].

Okay, I'ma shift it.

[imitates gears clicking]

Ooh let's start again.

Yeah, yeah!

Humbling, humbling.
- This isn't humble.

[both breathing heavily]

This was such a mistake.

It's gonna ruin our
whole friendship. [weeps]

- No no no no no.

It's fine.

We were friends first, right?

That is not how it went.

- Yeah.

- I beat it up.
- Yeah, yeah.

You beat it up all right.

But not in a good way
'cause it was horrible.

- No, she kept
yellin', "Don't stop."

- No, I was saying.

[grunts] Don't, stop!

- [Alan] Humbled her.

- [Tanya] Humiliated me.

- Yo.

- I heard you finally
got you some, man.

How was it?

- Oh man, you know I was good.

You know how I put it
down, but she was aight.

- Hello?

- Hey, girl.

Oh my god, the sex last
night was horrible.

He was slobberin' all over me.

- Ooh, I like a
little wet n' wild.

- No no no, it wasn't
the good kinda slobber.

It was like my whole
entire ear was soaked.

- Eww.

- So you mean to tell
me it was just aight.

- You know me, I'm used to
those stone-cold freaks.

- That I do, that I do.

- But you know, she was actually
kind of prude, you know?

"Alan is too big.

"I can't make it fit."

- And then he started
poundin' me hard.

- Yes, beat it up.

I like it rough.

- No, but it wasn't like
the sexy kinda rough.

It was like rug burns on
my cooter kinda rough.

- Oh.

- I've never ever in
my life met a woman

that said it was too big.

- That sound like a
personal problem, Mike.

- And then I--

- Girl, I like a
little 70s down there

and you know I can speak Wookie.

- Wait, who is that?

- C'mon get off the phone, girl.

Teddy bear.

- Is that Teddy?

- No, I gotta go.

- No, Tam.

No no no no no.

- Bye.

- Hey, but your boy
humbled her though.

I humbled her.

[Tanya wincing]

So how ya been?

- I'm good, good and you?

- Oh, I'm good.

Yeah, I've been good.

- So Alan, I was thinking about

what happened the other night

and I was thinking it's the
best if we remain friends.

- Yes.

Oh yeah.

No, I've been thinkin'
the same thing.

- Really?

- Oh yeah, yeah.

It was awkward, right?

- Yeah, it was very awkward.
- It was very awkward.

So yeah, now that's cleared up.

- So that's it?

Yeah.

- We can just go back
to being friends.

- Absolutely, like
nothing's gonna change.

- Nothing's gonna change.
- No, no.

I wanna go back to normal.

It's fine.
- We can still hang out.

- Absolutely, all the time.

- [Teddy] Yo, she's never
gon' let it change, man.

- Oh, we cool.

You know, I had to tell her

you know, we have to
fall back on romance.

- I believe it.

- How's she feel about that?

- Yeah.

- She's devastated.

- Yeah.

- Yeah, her whole
insides were crumbling,

just pieces you
know, fallin' out.

- Yeah, she should you know?

- It's hard when
it's a real crush.

But

you know, can't blame her.

I'm a catch.

- That's right.
- You know what I mean?

I'm a catch.

- I know that.

- You know, I'm a
hell of a catch.

- Good catch.
- No one can argue that.

- I'm a good dude.

- Good, man.
- I got attributes.

- You know what?

Fuck all that.

What's the donkey like?

Is soft and cushy like I
imagined when she naked?

Just the right size,
you know what I mean?

Got the right curves on the ass.

'Cause look at them
other girls, man;

like them thick chicks
outta Magic City, bro.

When you pull the panties down,

all their ass just
hits the floor.

It's like openin' up
a can of fish sticks.

- Is that all you know?

- Yeah, what else is there?

- Jam.

[both laughing]

- What about love,
trust, loyalty?

- I'm sorry, I just fell
asleep a little bit.

What?

- Love, respect, loyalty.

- No, I heard you and I'm
still sorry for you, brother.

- Man, what's goin' on
with you and Tamela?

- Well you know, nothin'.

Just hangin' out and whatnot,
you know what I'm sayin'?

- Word.
- Just chillin'.

- But y'all been hangin'
out damn near every day.

- You only knew that 'cause
I've been humblin' her

every day, you know what
I'm sayin'? [laughs]

Gettin' that thang every day.

- Look, there's nothin' wrong
with you catchin' feelings.

- Catchin' feelings?

- It's all right.

- Man, what the?

I ain't got no feelings to
catch, you understand me?

- Right, right.

Player, player.

Just like me.
- Player.

- Player for life.

- For life.
- Player for life.

- Yeah.
- Player.

- Ain't care 'bout
none of these out here.

Don't care about nothin'.

- Well done, player.

You know, Tanya started
seein' somebody else.

- Say what?

Oh man, this bullshit, man.

We was just right there.

[both laughing]

Damn.

- What's up?

I'm just jokin' with you, dawg.

You said you don't have feelings
for her. [both laughing]

[Alan drowned out by music]
- You didn't tell me we met.

- What?

[grunts] Damn.

- Man, I told I'd
a mack the kraken.

[Teddy drowned out by music]

- She ridiculous. [chuckles]

- How are you?
- I'ma dial her.

[both chuckling]

- Oh girl, I cannot believe
you are getting married.

- I know, I'm so excited.

- Especially to Teddy.

- What is that supposed to mean?

- Nothin'.

I mean he's not your
type, that's all.

- I know, but I just
thought it was time

to try somethin' different.

At first I was just
drunk and horny,

but then it turns out Teddy
is so sweet and funny.

- Yeah, he's funny.

- And y'all, he is
hung like a horse.

- [Ashley] What?

- Yes, dick for days
'cause it keeps goin'.

- Excuse me, is there
somethin' I can help you with?

- No, ma'am.

We're just browsin', thank you.

- Okay well this is
the designer section

and the more affordable
pieces are over there.

- Sweetheart, do
you accept my card?

- Oh, certainly.

- I'm just checking

'cause we're not gonna
purchase from here.

I think the selection in
Neiman's is much more exclusive.

- Are you sure?

- Mm-hmm.

Yes ma'am, we're sure.

We're positive.

- Old racist bitch.

- Don't even worry about her

'cause look, you're
getting married.

- You're right.

- Just think about that.

- You're right, I'm
just gonna breathe.

- Are you sure this is
what you wanna do, Tam?

Like you and Teddy
barely know each other.

- Tanya, it's love.

When you just know you just know

and I haven't felt like
this about anyone before.

Not even that basketball player.

- You know, I feel
the very same way.

When I met my Braxton,
I just knew it.

And we got married
and four months later.

- Oh, that's so sweet.

- I just think in my opinion,

it's usually you know,
you should know the person

before you marry them.

- And Tanya if I
didn't know any better,

I'm just gonna think
that you are jealous.

- No, I'm not jealous.

No, I'm not jealous.

I'm not jealous.

I'm happy.

I'm happy for you and Teddy.

- Now what is going on
between you and Alan?

'Cause you know Tamela told
me that y'all did the do.

- It slipped.

I'm sorry.

- So what, are y'all
officially dating or what?

- No, no.

We just decided that it's best
that we just remain friends.

- Oh, come on.

Is it about this
ridiculous list of yours?

Didn't we tell you to rip that
thing up and throw it away?

- No, it's not about the list.

It's not about the list.

We're not compatible.

- Girl, you're not
compatible with anyone.

You're just too
high maintenance.

- Too high maintenance.

- That's what Alan says.

- You know, he's right.

You know what you need to do?

You need to lock him down now

while you're still
young and vivacious.

- Oh, okay.
- Yes.

'Cause your titties aren't
gonna be that perfect forever.

And if you think beauty
lasts, it doesn't.

And your virginity, it
most certainly doesn't.

It gets all beat up
like a old Louis bag.

It just sounds real
loose like [slaps].

And then the next thing you know

you have to do a Kegel's

and you have to use
organic therapy.

And you have to go
have vaginoplasty done.

You just don't wanna
do that, sweetie.

- She knows all
about the loose puss.

- A girlfriend of mine,

she mentioned it you know.

- We're your only friends.

You don't have any more friends.

- Ooh, look at this.

It is gorgeous, darling.

Look at the color.
- Wow.

♪ Stay up late

♪ She got her own sex

♪ Never

♪ Forget about her

♪ She on her grown sex

[Tam laughing]
- Get it, babe!

[muffled shouting]

- It's funny.

- Yeah.

- You look really good tonight.

- Thank you.

[guests chattering]

- What happened to them?

- [chuckles softly]
Yeah, no clue

[guests laughing]

- They look really
good together.

- Mm-hmm, they do.

I'm gonna go to the restroom.

Excuse me, excuse me.

[funky rap music]
[guests chattering]

[soft orchestral music]
- Can I talk to you?

- 'Bout what, Alan?

- About us.

- [Tanya] There's really
nothing to talk about.

- You're not takin'
my calls and texts.

- [Tanya] I've been busy.

- Busy doin' what?

Replacin' me?

- This is really none
of your business.

- We were supposed
to stay friends.

- We are.

- We don't even talk anymore.

- [Tanya] We're talking now.

- You know, it was your idea
that we just stay friends.

- And you agreed oh so quickly.

- What am I supposed to do?

- Tell me that I was
wrong, put up a fight.

- You are so confusing.

- I'm not the one
who's confused, Alan.

- Okay look, that night
when everything went down,

you wanted me so bad I
didn't know what was--

- I wanted you so bad.

- Yeah. I mean when we got back
to your place, we got naked.

What you want me to do?

- I was drunk and
feeling vulnerable.

- And I took care of what
you needed at the time.

- So that's what it was, huh?

I was another one
of your conquests?

- No, you weren't a conquest.

It was a friend takin'
care of a friend in need.

- In need?

You know what, Alan?

Let's just forget
it ever happened.

Let's just forget
that we ever happened.

- Tanya, no.
- Nah.

- Hey, Tanya.

[Alan sighing]

♪ Ooh

♪ Give me diamonds

♪ Give me pearls

♪ Give me fate

♪ And I will trade it all

- Yeah, I was just sittin' here.

♪ For you

- Thinkin' about you.

I really miss you
right now, Tanya.

♪ And give me a voice

♪ But it really
wouldn't matter ♪

♪ Because I will
trade it all for you ♪

♪ I'll trade it

♪ I'll trade

♪ I'll trade it

♪ I will trade it all for you

♪ I'll trade it

♪ Yes I would

♪ I'll trade it

♪ I trade

♪ I will

[reverent organ music]

- I pronounce you
husband and wife.

You may kiss your bride.

- Hold up, man.

Save some of that
for the honeymoon.

[guests chattering]

- [clears throat] Can I
get everybody's attention?

[glass clinking]

Thank you.

First, I'd like to
thank you all for coming

and celebrating with me and T.

It's our first time
gettin' married.

And no, it's not
the shotgun wedding.

She ain't pregnant yet.

We still got some humbling
to do later, Alan. [chuckles]

That your mom?

Anyway, Tamela knew in my heart.

She knew that I was
havin' daddy issues

and she know there's two people

that I woulda
loved to been here.

One would've been my dad,

who died from a marijuana
overdose tragically.

It's a deadly thing.

And then also to my boy Craig,

who died suddenly from
drowning in the bath tub.

If you all could, just please
hold up your glasses for us.

Pour out a little liquor for
my brother Craig and my daddy.

Miss y'all.

I love you, slim-pick.

Y'all go on and party, man.

Thank you for comin'.

Let's get lit with
Teddy and Tamela.

[Teddy imitating
Chewbacca growling]

♪ There's no mistakin'

♪ The love that
was in her heart ♪

♪ And all she wanted to do

♪ Was dance to a petal

[record scratching]

♪ What up

♪ Grab her booty
'cause I'm stupid ♪

♪ Whassup, Crain

♪ I'm a scoozi-rocking
coochie monster ♪

♪ Eat it up filet mignon
and chicken shrimp pasta ♪

♪ Never let you go

- Thank you for comin', sir.

- Oh man.
- Yeah.

- Tamela,

how the hell did you manage
to get a player like Teddy

to settle down?

- Nah, she's a catch.

- I can't believe he
got me to settle down.

- Well she was a wild one.

Remember she used to
date that NBA player?

- And the other NBA player.

- Shh.
- Oh wow.

Sounds like you two
got a lot in common.

You know, Teddy here
used to date Black Chyna.

- And Amber Rose.
- And Amber Rose.

- Not helping.

- It seems that Teddy
forgot to mention that.

- That was the old me.

I'm a one-woman man.

[Tamela chuckling]

- Aww, you so nasty.

- So everyone is stayin'
for the reception, right?

- Absolutely.
- Of course.

- Yeah, dope.

I'm gonna have to
cut out, fellas.

- Come on, man.

Hang out for a minute.

- Yeah, I would.

But I got this assignment
I have to turn in,

gotta to the house
and work on it.

- Okay, you own me one.

- Oh, I got you.

Yeah, yeah.

Soon as you get back from
the honeymoon, drinks on me.

- You heard that, babe.

Top shelf.
- Okay.

- Middle shelf, middle
shelf, middle shelf.

- Yeah, get nothin'.
- You're a beautiful bride.

Yeah, I'm outta here.

♪ Let you know I
can't do everything ♪

♪ Please don't walk away

♪ Baby won't you stay

♪ Girl don't go

♪ I need you here with me

♪ Baby please don't leave

♪ I apologize for all
that I have done ♪

♪ And girl I promise I will
never do you wrong again ♪

♪ I really need you in my life

♪ So please just give
me one more try ♪

♪ My winters will be cold

♪ My nights will be long

♪ If you walk away
from me baby ♪

♪ Your love I'll be listen

♪ I know we can fix this

♪ Please don't
walk away from me ♪

♪ You got me singin'

♪ Come back

- Tanya, we've been
lookin' for you.

- Are you okay?

- Yeah, I'm fine.

I'm fine now.

I just needed some air.

- Are you sure?

- Yeah.

♪ Come back to me

♪ Come back to me girl

♪ Many time I've made
really bad mistakes ♪

♪ Girl don't go

♪ But I will give my all

- [Alan] Tanya, I
need to speak to you.

- Look Alan, I already told you.

- Hear me out.

- Okay.

- I miss you so much.

I didn't realize how
important you are to my life,

how important you were to me

until you were gone.

You were right about everything.

I did treat you like a conquest.

That was the farthest
thing from the truth.

You are by far the
most beautiful,

the most intelligent, the
most caring woman I know.

I love everything about you.

I love your smile,
I love your style,

I love the way you quote
lines from "Mahogany"

to express your emotions.

You are my best friend.

I can be alive without you,
but I cannot live without you.

I need you.

I love you.

- Oh stop, stop!

Just stop.

[weeps] I love you too.

[romantic piano music]

- You okay?
- Yeah.

[Mr. Smith sobbing]

- I'm so sorry.

That was just such
a beautiful story.

- It really was, it really was.

Like oh god.

Oh, you guys are so beautiful.

- I love you, baby.
- I love you too, baby.

Oh god, I'm really sorry.
- I'm so sorry.

- This reminds me
how we used to be

when we first got married.

You know we had no money.
- I know.

We just loved each other.

It was just love.

It was just love.
- It was,

but there was a lotta sex too.
- That's all we had yeah.

- It was good, it was good.

- With a lotta close calls.

- We're getting married.

- This summer in Jamaica.

- Yeah and lemme tell you,
the sex is now amazing.

- You're welcome.

- Our pastor kinda recommended

that we get marriage counseling
before we get married.

- Yeah, so what
do you guys think?

- Well,

I've never seen two
more fit people.

- Yes, you guys' lives
are just gonna be filled

with marital bliss.

You guys, I just wish
you the best of luck.

- I love you.

- I love you too, baby.

[soft pop music]

[singer vocalizing]

♪ I don't wanna

♪ No I don't wanna

♪ I don't wanna be
your boyfriend ♪

♪ Boyfriend

♪ Your boyfriend

♪ Your boyfriend

♪ Your boyfriend

♪ She likes the way
that I comb my hair ♪

♪ She like the stylish
clothes I wear ♪

♪ I wear

♪ Just the little things I do

♪ I do

♪ That make her
wanna meet my crew ♪

♪ My crew

♪ But I don't wanna know

♪ No I don't wanna

♪ I don't wanna be
your boyfriend ♪

♪ Boyfriend

♪ Your boyfriend

♪ Boyfriend

♪ Your boyfriend

♪ Boyfriend

♪ Your boyfriend

♪ I met her at a bar

♪ Sippin' on red wine

♪ Red wine

♪ You're my kind

♪ My kind

♪ You're my kind

♪ My kind

♪ You're my kind

♪ My kind

♪ I wanna take the time
now to tell the truth ♪

♪ I know how some
of these girls do ♪

♪ When you know
that I don't take ♪

♪ You see her name tattooed

♪ And if my bitch
badder than you ♪

♪ Watch out a black door

♪ Whoa

♪ Even ask my dude
go out the backdoor ♪

♪ Whoa

♪ Askin' me questions
like a dog show ♪

♪ Out of all that you see

♪ I don't know why do we
want the forbidden thing ♪

♪ Let's go

♪ Everybody, everybody

♪ Everybody wants somebody

♪ More when their body
holdin' onto you ♪

♪ Everybody

♪ Everybody wants somebody

♪ More when their body
holdin' onto you ♪

♪ Everybody

♪ Everybody

♪ Everybody wants somebody

♪ More when their body
holdin' onto you ♪

♪ Everybody

♪ Everybody

♪ Everybody wants somebody

♪ More than that
body holdin' on ♪

[singers vocalizing]

♪ Oh my god

[singer vocalizing]

♪ Ooh

♪ She knowin' full well
what she was doin' ♪

♪ Oh my god

♪ But a soft voice
in a innocent face ♪

♪ But a guilty look
in her eye she said ♪

[funky jazz music]

♪ Yeah

♪ Yeah

♪ Let's do this

♪ I'm just sittin'
in my window ♪

♪ Watchin' time
just pass me by ♪

♪ Watchin' time pass me by

♪ And I'm smokin' on that endo

♪ I admit I do get high

♪ I get a little high

♪ I gotta inhale all my woes

♪ Deeply

♪ Deep into my chest

♪ Build a sorrow on my nose