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1
00:00:01,810 --> 00:00:04,160
Things are getting worse in
America, friends.
2
00:00:04,260 --> 00:00:05,780
Even in my old home of baseball,
3
00:00:05,930 --> 00:00:09,360
the infidels are invading
the holy land, y'all.
4
00:00:09,510 --> 00:00:11,420
Jim Brockmire, paid by George Soros
5
00:00:11,460 --> 00:00:14,020
in the deep-state
conspiracy to frame me,
6
00:00:14,410 --> 00:00:16,280
he's out there calling games.
7
00:00:16,330 --> 00:00:18,330
And who is he doing it with?
8
00:00:18,380 --> 00:00:19,540
I'll tell you.
9
00:00:19,620 --> 00:00:21,820
A black homosexual woman
10
00:00:21,860 --> 00:00:24,860
who's never even played real baseball.
11
00:00:24,900 --> 00:00:26,910
Meanwhile, my statue in Atlanta
12
00:00:26,950 --> 00:00:29,820
gets taken down in the
middle of the night.
13
00:00:29,880 --> 00:00:32,890
It's enough to make you want
to despair for the future.
14
00:00:32,950 --> 00:00:36,620
But, all right, it's opening day,
15
00:00:36,700 --> 00:00:38,530
the time where hope springs eternal.
16
00:00:38,570 --> 00:00:39,750
I get it.
17
00:00:39,970 --> 00:00:42,310
But if y'all are as unhappy as I am,
18
00:00:42,380 --> 00:00:44,820
then I urge you to
show up to games today
19
00:00:44,970 --> 00:00:48,140
and let the powers that be
know we won't back down.
20
00:00:48,220 --> 00:00:49,620
We will keep baseball pure.
21
00:00:49,650 --> 00:00:54,160
And after that, America.
By any means necessary.
22
00:00:54,580 --> 00:00:55,920
- Friends.
- Come on.
23
00:00:57,510 --> 00:01:00,550
Your need for attention
is not my problem, Randy.
24
00:01:00,590 --> 00:01:02,050
Okay? Let's go.
25
00:01:02,130 --> 00:01:03,350
You're not supposed
26
00:01:03,390 --> 00:01:04,480
- to honk your horn, Mom.
- I'm not allowing
27
00:01:04,510 --> 00:01:06,030
- You've been warned.
- my day to get hijacked,
28
00:01:06,070 --> 00:01:07,250
and this is my only form of protest.
29
00:01:07,290 --> 00:01:09,800
Can we move it along?
30
00:01:10,710 --> 00:01:12,300
What are you watching?
31
00:01:12,390 --> 00:01:14,240
- Art Newlie.
- What?
32
00:01:14,310 --> 00:01:15,510
He's taking down the hypocrisy
33
00:01:15,550 --> 00:01:16,860
of the mainstream media.
34
00:01:17,580 --> 00:01:19,390
Define hypocrisy.
35
00:01:19,670 --> 00:01:21,410
- Exactly.
- What?
36
00:01:21,560 --> 00:01:23,250
I don't want you watching...
37
00:01:23,510 --> 00:01:25,290
Kyle, what's on your face?
38
00:01:26,280 --> 00:01:28,290
Are you eating my donuts?
39
00:01:30,580 --> 00:01:33,260
Those were for A.A., Kyle!
40
00:01:33,560 --> 00:01:35,380
Damn. Okay.
41
00:01:35,630 --> 00:01:36,890
Listen to Mommy.
42
00:01:37,070 --> 00:01:40,650
Mommy gets them addicted
to sugar and caffeine
43
00:01:40,680 --> 00:01:42,310
instead of drugs and alcohol.
44
00:01:42,420 --> 00:01:44,350
Right? That's how I help them.
45
00:01:44,390 --> 00:01:46,700
So I need the donuts,
otherwise they don't come.
46
00:01:46,730 --> 00:01:47,940
And if they don't come,
47
00:01:47,980 --> 00:01:50,170
then they wrap their cars
around telephone poles.
48
00:01:50,300 --> 00:01:51,560
You understand what I mean?
49
00:01:51,670 --> 00:01:53,240
You see... Shit. Shit, shit!
50
00:01:53,280 --> 00:01:54,910
Get a bag, baby.
Get a bag. Baby, get a...
51
00:01:54,990 --> 00:01:57,070
No!
52
00:01:58,870 --> 00:02:00,170
All right, yep.
53
00:02:00,270 --> 00:02:02,420
Mommy's purse is a bag.
54
00:02:03,110 --> 00:02:05,390
Very good listening, honey.
55
00:02:05,910 --> 00:02:07,880
I'm real proud of you.
56
00:02:11,150 --> 00:02:13,670
Move your ass!
57
00:02:13,760 --> 00:02:15,560
Oh, my god.
58
00:02:17,690 --> 00:02:19,370
My afternoon's free
59
00:02:19,410 --> 00:02:21,780
if you want to try for round three.
60
00:02:22,180 --> 00:02:24,600
I think you mean round two, don't you?
61
00:02:24,750 --> 00:02:27,590
You don't remember that time
in the middle of the night?
62
00:02:27,690 --> 00:02:30,160
No... oh, no. I'm a sleep fucker.
63
00:02:30,200 --> 00:02:31,980
No, I do some of my best dick work
64
00:02:32,020 --> 00:02:33,220
in a dream state.
65
00:02:33,260 --> 00:02:34,520
Huh.
66
00:02:34,660 --> 00:02:36,890
I just thought you
were doing very specific
67
00:02:36,930 --> 00:02:38,470
tugboat role play.
68
00:02:38,560 --> 00:02:39,810
No, that'd be weird.
69
00:02:39,850 --> 00:02:42,190
Yeah. I'll see you after the game.
70
00:02:42,230 --> 00:02:43,280
Good luck in Tampa.
71
00:02:43,320 --> 00:02:44,820
You guys are going to kill it.
72
00:02:45,860 --> 00:02:46,990
Bye, Gabs!
73
00:02:47,070 --> 00:02:48,690
Bye, Sauce Bitch!
74
00:02:50,210 --> 00:02:53,040
Well, I have not
felt this good since...
75
00:02:53,340 --> 00:02:54,540
ever.
76
00:02:54,580 --> 00:02:57,070
I'm finally in a healthy
adult relationship.
77
00:02:57,100 --> 00:02:58,040
It's opening day.
78
00:02:58,070 --> 00:02:59,800
God it's my favorite day of the year.
79
00:02:59,810 --> 00:03:02,200
And my nightmare about
ramming a tugboat
80
00:03:02,240 --> 00:03:03,360
into the Panama Canal
81
00:03:03,400 --> 00:03:04,980
finally makes a whole lot more sense.
82
00:03:05,010 --> 00:03:07,370
I mean, everything is coming
up Brockmire over here.
83
00:03:07,440 --> 00:03:10,250
Oh, hold that thought.
84
00:03:10,400 --> 00:03:12,540
Maggie probably forgot something.
85
00:03:13,040 --> 00:03:14,240
Hey...
86
00:03:14,350 --> 00:03:15,800
Jean.
87
00:03:15,850 --> 00:03:17,890
You come back... you
came back to forgive me?
88
00:03:17,930 --> 00:03:20,810
My goodness,
and on my first day back in the bigs.
89
00:03:20,850 --> 00:03:23,090
And I thought this day
couldn't get any better!
90
00:03:23,120 --> 00:03:25,690
Yeah, well, it's about to
get a hell of a lot worse.
91
00:03:25,790 --> 00:03:26,950
I haven't forgiven you.
92
00:03:26,990 --> 00:03:28,830
And I couldn't give a
shit about your comeback.
93
00:03:28,900 --> 00:03:30,990
Gabby reached out and
asked me to come down.
94
00:03:31,020 --> 00:03:32,340
Tomorrow I asked you to come,
95
00:03:32,380 --> 00:03:34,730
because I said today was
a very big day for both of us.
96
00:03:34,760 --> 00:03:36,580
Yeah, but tomorrow's not good for me.
97
00:03:36,610 --> 00:03:38,630
It's grad night at Disney World,
98
00:03:38,690 --> 00:03:40,180
and I would rather not be surrounded
99
00:03:40,220 --> 00:03:42,290
by a bunch of teenagers
fingering each other
100
00:03:42,330 --> 00:03:44,000
on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride.
101
00:03:44,030 --> 00:03:46,040
Bad news is, I have to go by myself.
102
00:03:46,080 --> 00:03:47,590
Sam couldn't get the time off work,
103
00:03:47,630 --> 00:03:48,980
and Norm won't go back
104
00:03:49,010 --> 00:03:50,970
because he was traumatized
at the Haunted Mansion
105
00:03:51,000 --> 00:03:54,190
on account of his sensitivity
to the paranormal.
106
00:03:54,230 --> 00:03:55,860
What the hell are you talking about?
107
00:03:55,900 --> 00:03:57,690
- What is going on?
- All right.
108
00:03:57,730 --> 00:03:59,080
I guess we're doing this now.
109
00:03:59,160 --> 00:04:00,500
Uh, Jim,
110
00:04:00,540 --> 00:04:02,140
there's something
that you need to hear.
111
00:04:02,170 --> 00:04:04,890
And I thought having Jean
here would soften the blow.
112
00:04:05,040 --> 00:04:06,500
Did Mom die?
113
00:04:06,590 --> 00:04:08,240
Oh, no, are you dying?
114
00:04:08,270 --> 00:04:09,790
Oh, shit. I'm dying.
115
00:04:09,830 --> 00:04:11,440
No, dumbass.
116
00:04:11,480 --> 00:04:13,610
Jules is engaged.
117
00:04:13,770 --> 00:04:15,470
- What?
- Yeah, she, uh,
118
00:04:15,500 --> 00:04:17,550
made it Instagram official yesterday.
119
00:04:17,660 --> 00:04:19,060
Oh, my god.
120
00:04:19,100 --> 00:04:20,470
How did you see this?
121
00:04:20,500 --> 00:04:21,870
I follow her.
122
00:04:21,940 --> 00:04:23,160
At first I was just curious
123
00:04:23,200 --> 00:04:24,600
'cause you were always
going on about her,
124
00:04:24,640 --> 00:04:26,230
but now I really like what she does.
125
00:04:26,270 --> 00:04:28,800
Right? She's like the
Busy Phillips of baseball.
126
00:04:28,840 --> 00:04:31,190
Jules and George Brett
are getting married.
127
00:04:31,230 --> 00:04:32,540
My goodness.
128
00:04:32,950 --> 00:04:34,030
Well,
129
00:04:34,070 --> 00:04:36,150
Jean, I know you don't forgive me, but
130
00:04:36,180 --> 00:04:38,200
flying all the way here
to help break this news...
131
00:04:38,230 --> 00:04:39,710
that, uh, that means a lot.
132
00:04:39,750 --> 00:04:40,930
I'm still mad at you,
133
00:04:40,970 --> 00:04:43,200
but your sobriety is important to me.
134
00:04:43,250 --> 00:04:45,270
Every time your shit hits the fan,
135
00:04:45,330 --> 00:04:46,570
you get on a mic,
136
00:04:46,610 --> 00:04:48,450
fling it back out at the rest of us,
137
00:04:48,490 --> 00:04:49,630
and go on a bender.
138
00:04:49,680 --> 00:04:50,870
I don't want that to happen.
139
00:04:50,910 --> 00:04:53,440
So please, don't do anything crazy.
140
00:04:54,640 --> 00:04:57,990
Well, would you looky here?
141
00:04:58,280 --> 00:05:01,800
It's the weird spot
where we first kissed;
142
00:05:01,910 --> 00:05:05,820
where it all began for both of us.
143
00:05:06,470 --> 00:05:08,210
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What are you doing?
144
00:05:08,250 --> 00:05:09,330
Get your hand out of your pocket.
145
00:05:09,360 --> 00:05:10,690
Put your hands where I can see 'em!
146
00:05:10,730 --> 00:05:12,340
Maggie, I realize it's not fair
147
00:05:12,370 --> 00:05:14,030
to ask you to move to Oakland
148
00:05:14,180 --> 00:05:16,260
without some kind of a commitment.
149
00:05:16,330 --> 00:05:18,810
Move to Oakland?
150
00:05:19,010 --> 00:05:20,480
Jim...
151
00:05:20,600 --> 00:05:22,470
You literally know nothing about me
152
00:05:22,500 --> 00:05:24,850
except for what my vagina tastes like.
153
00:05:24,890 --> 00:05:26,420
Well, at this point in your cycle
154
00:05:26,450 --> 00:05:27,840
with the Moon waning like it is,
155
00:05:27,870 --> 00:05:28,990
- it tastes...
- No, no, no, no, no.
156
00:05:29,030 --> 00:05:30,000
I don't actually want to know.
157
00:05:30,030 --> 00:05:32,090
No, that would make me self-conscious.
158
00:05:32,130 --> 00:05:33,330
Well, it shouldn't,
159
00:05:33,400 --> 00:05:37,340
because I want to taste it
for the rest of my life.
160
00:05:37,440 --> 00:05:39,080
Jeez Louise!
161
00:05:39,130 --> 00:05:41,450
That is much bigger than I expected.
162
00:05:41,510 --> 00:05:43,570
Yeah, it turns out not
having a cocaine problem
163
00:05:43,610 --> 00:05:45,390
is just a great way to save money.
164
00:05:45,600 --> 00:05:47,120
Maggie, I know I know we haven't
165
00:05:47,160 --> 00:05:48,820
known each other long, but...
166
00:05:48,900 --> 00:05:51,950
I feel that what we
have is just so special.
167
00:05:53,490 --> 00:05:55,230
What's my middle name?
168
00:05:55,530 --> 00:05:57,340
Now, that is a stumper,
169
00:05:57,450 --> 00:05:59,880
considering I don't even
know your last name.
170
00:06:00,620 --> 00:06:02,520
What is your last name?
171
00:06:02,620 --> 00:06:04,190
Okay.
172
00:06:04,750 --> 00:06:07,230
- You can get up.
- Oh, really?
173
00:06:07,280 --> 00:06:08,410
- Yeah.
- Okay.
174
00:06:08,450 --> 00:06:09,780
I know why you're doing this.
175
00:06:09,810 --> 00:06:12,400
- I follow Jules on Instagram.
- No, no, no, no, no.
176
00:06:12,440 --> 00:06:14,100
At first,
it was just some light stalking
177
00:06:14,140 --> 00:06:16,610
to convince myself that
she was terrible, but...
178
00:06:17,050 --> 00:06:19,500
then it just made me feel
better that I was with someone
179
00:06:19,540 --> 00:06:21,140
who dated someone that cool.
180
00:06:21,190 --> 00:06:23,710
Well, is she... why is she cool?
Seriously?
181
00:06:23,750 --> 00:06:25,540
Because she's engaged
to a baseball legend
182
00:06:25,580 --> 00:06:27,770
and she travels around the country
183
00:06:27,810 --> 00:06:29,160
putting on special events at.
184
00:06:29,190 --> 00:06:30,710
Well, actually,
I can see why this is all
185
00:06:30,750 --> 00:06:33,030
pretty good on Instagram. I can.
186
00:06:33,330 --> 00:06:36,300
I've had a really good
time, but that's all this is.
187
00:06:36,340 --> 00:06:37,680
I don't want anything more.
188
00:06:37,720 --> 00:06:39,090
I'm actually leaving Florida,
189
00:06:39,130 --> 00:06:40,420
- in a little while.
- What?
190
00:06:40,450 --> 00:06:41,760
Yeah, Matt the Bat left me all
191
00:06:41,800 --> 00:06:43,500
of his frequent flyer
miles when he died.
192
00:06:43,540 --> 00:06:45,850
We used to talk about how I
really wanted to go to Japan.
193
00:06:45,890 --> 00:06:48,150
So I'm flying there
in a couple of weeks.
194
00:06:48,190 --> 00:06:50,200
And then from there, who knows?
195
00:06:50,830 --> 00:06:52,830
He left you his miles?
196
00:06:53,000 --> 00:06:55,180
All I got was to hold
his hand when he died
197
00:06:55,220 --> 00:06:57,210
and some expired Dunkaroos.
198
00:06:57,580 --> 00:06:59,850
I'm sorry, it was not my plan to do this
199
00:06:59,890 --> 00:07:01,140
before your first game back.
200
00:07:01,170 --> 00:07:03,320
- Are you going to be okay?
- Yeah. Sure.
201
00:07:03,360 --> 00:07:04,930
Oh, God damn it.
202
00:07:05,170 --> 00:07:06,280
Sorry.
203
00:07:06,320 --> 00:07:07,430
I just realized we have to pedal
204
00:07:07,470 --> 00:07:08,880
all the way back to the rental shop
205
00:07:08,920 --> 00:07:10,550
against the wind, so...
206
00:07:10,840 --> 00:07:12,950
This is about to be
the most awkward 20 minutes
207
00:07:12,980 --> 00:07:15,240
that I've ever sweated my way through.
208
00:07:15,280 --> 00:07:16,540
How about you?
209
00:07:16,750 --> 00:07:18,700
- Yeah, it's up there.
- Yeah, right?
210
00:07:18,740 --> 00:07:20,030
Yeah.
211
00:07:20,110 --> 00:07:21,710
Oh, boy.
212
00:07:21,740 --> 00:07:24,140
- That actually hurts.
- So tough.
213
00:07:34,000 --> 00:07:35,360
Hey, beta cuck!
214
00:07:35,400 --> 00:07:37,270
That's alpha cuck to you.
215
00:07:37,400 --> 00:07:38,710
Aren't you ashamed of yourself?
216
00:07:38,740 --> 00:07:39,820
Almost constantly...
217
00:07:39,850 --> 00:07:41,330
- Who are you guys?
- We're the protest.
218
00:07:41,370 --> 00:07:43,840
- What are you protesting?
- Your existence.
219
00:07:43,880 --> 00:07:45,550
Everything old is Newlie again!
220
00:07:45,590 --> 00:07:47,230
Everything old is Newlie again!
221
00:07:47,270 --> 00:07:48,970
Everything old is Newlie again!
222
00:07:49,010 --> 00:07:50,640
Everything old is Newlie again!
223
00:07:50,670 --> 00:07:52,880
Well, I was just accosted by
224
00:07:52,920 --> 00:07:55,070
the Hitler Youth
lacrosse team out there.
225
00:07:55,100 --> 00:07:56,390
What is happening?
226
00:07:56,420 --> 00:07:58,160
Art Newlie has declared war on us
227
00:07:58,200 --> 00:07:59,340
and baseball.
228
00:07:59,470 --> 00:08:00,770
- What?
- Where have you been?
229
00:08:00,800 --> 00:08:02,920
Even for Florida that's
a lot of loose sweat.
230
00:08:03,000 --> 00:08:05,520
In a moment of panic,
I proposed to Maggie.
231
00:08:05,610 --> 00:08:07,840
At which point she
promptly broke up with me
232
00:08:07,880 --> 00:08:09,530
and announced that she
was leaving the country.
233
00:08:09,570 --> 00:08:11,090
Other than that, though,
it went real good.
234
00:08:11,130 --> 00:08:13,160
Jesus, Jim,
that is exactly what I was afraid of.
235
00:08:13,240 --> 00:08:15,300
Thank you, Jean. Okay.
how close to the edge are you?
236
00:08:15,340 --> 00:08:16,890
Pretty close. Fairly shaky here.
237
00:08:16,930 --> 00:08:18,250
I'll muddle through. I'll be all right.
238
00:08:18,290 --> 00:08:19,650
I just... I need for everything to just
239
00:08:19,690 --> 00:08:20,920
calm down for a second.
240
00:08:20,960 --> 00:08:22,370
Bad news.
241
00:08:22,400 --> 00:08:25,050
King Venom Vape Cartridge
has pulled their sponsorship.
242
00:08:25,150 --> 00:08:27,120
- What?
- Turns out that Big Vape
243
00:08:27,150 --> 00:08:29,480
are huge Art Newlie supporters.
244
00:08:29,520 --> 00:08:32,000
The key demographic are
angry young white males.
245
00:08:32,030 --> 00:08:34,890
Look, we don't care what some
shitty vape company thinks,
246
00:08:34,920 --> 00:08:36,510
because the organization has our back.
247
00:08:36,610 --> 00:08:38,460
Okay, that... that...
that's another thing.
248
00:08:38,610 --> 00:08:40,030
Word has come down from the top that
249
00:08:40,070 --> 00:08:42,620
they don't want Gabby to do
the count for you anymore.
250
00:08:42,660 --> 00:08:43,900
Whoa, whoa, whoa. What?
251
00:08:43,940 --> 00:08:47,310
Th-they think that it shows
an emasculating behavior
252
00:08:47,350 --> 00:08:49,770
that they want to avoid,
what with all this Newlie heat.
253
00:08:49,810 --> 00:08:51,060
That's what they said?
254
00:08:51,210 --> 00:08:52,670
No; what they said was,
255
00:08:52,700 --> 00:08:53,920
"bitch-ass behavior,"
256
00:08:53,950 --> 00:08:55,230
but I knew what they were talking about
257
00:08:55,270 --> 00:08:57,750
because I put together
the contextual clues.
258
00:08:57,790 --> 00:09:00,010
Do they want me to have an
anxiety attack on the air?
259
00:09:00,040 --> 00:09:01,840
I mean, is that what... Is
that what they're hoping...
260
00:09:03,160 --> 00:09:04,650
Shit.
261
00:09:04,750 --> 00:09:06,150
- Ooh.
- What, do you gotta puke?
262
00:09:06,240 --> 00:09:07,920
Okay, what size bucket do you want?
263
00:09:07,950 --> 00:09:09,030
I think all we have are medium.
264
00:09:09,060 --> 00:09:10,360
Oh, please be quiet,
265
00:09:10,400 --> 00:09:13,460
because the sound of
your voice is so bad.
266
00:09:13,570 --> 00:09:16,110
Okay, okay. Um...
267
00:09:16,260 --> 00:09:18,080
Are you there, Baseball God?
268
00:09:18,300 --> 00:09:19,970
It's me. It's Jim Brockmire.
269
00:09:20,050 --> 00:09:22,360
Um, if you exist,
which you probably don't,
270
00:09:22,400 --> 00:09:24,890
could you please,
please grant me a respite
271
00:09:24,930 --> 00:09:26,450
from this tornado of shit
272
00:09:26,480 --> 00:09:27,610
that I find myself in?
273
00:09:27,650 --> 00:09:29,310
God, it's like I can even smell it.
274
00:09:29,350 --> 00:09:30,870
So can I, what...
275
00:09:30,910 --> 00:09:32,050
Oh, Jim, your jacket.
276
00:09:32,090 --> 00:09:34,030
Ah, jeez.
Th-there's poop on your jacket.
277
00:09:34,210 --> 00:09:35,630
Oh, my god!
278
00:09:35,700 --> 00:09:37,080
Oh, god!
279
00:09:37,120 --> 00:09:38,460
What is that, an N?
280
00:09:38,500 --> 00:09:41,430
What is that for, neo-goddamn-Nazi?
281
00:09:41,610 --> 00:09:43,490
I think it's for Newlie!
282
00:09:43,830 --> 00:09:45,250
It's for Newlie.
283
00:09:46,260 --> 00:09:47,710
I think it's for Newlie.
284
00:09:47,840 --> 00:09:49,640
Do you believe this? Huh?
285
00:09:49,700 --> 00:09:51,430
I wish I could tell you
this was the first time
286
00:09:51,460 --> 00:09:53,640
somebody threw shit on me.
But the good news is,
287
00:09:53,680 --> 00:09:55,470
I know exactly how to get it out.
288
00:09:55,510 --> 00:09:57,330
The key is to get the shit hard
289
00:09:57,370 --> 00:09:58,680
so you can just scrape it off.
290
00:09:58,710 --> 00:10:00,370
Now, I doubt very highly
291
00:10:00,400 --> 00:10:01,960
you have a blast chiller in here,
292
00:10:02,000 --> 00:10:04,950
so you'll just have to use a
blow dryer set on cool, okay?
293
00:10:04,990 --> 00:10:06,300
Once the shit is hard,
294
00:10:06,340 --> 00:10:07,890
you take a horse bristle brush
295
00:10:07,920 --> 00:10:09,300
and you swipe up, okay?
296
00:10:09,380 --> 00:10:11,530
Firm, swift motions with the grain.
297
00:10:11,570 --> 00:10:13,890
That's really important.
With the grain.
298
00:10:13,920 --> 00:10:15,790
Okay, please be careful
with this thing.
299
00:10:15,830 --> 00:10:17,110
It means the world to me.
300
00:10:17,150 --> 00:10:19,780
My blood, sweat,
and tears are in this jacket.
301
00:10:19,870 --> 00:10:21,670
Also a fair amount of my semen.
302
00:10:21,800 --> 00:10:24,090
Probably clone, like, three dozen mes
303
00:10:24,130 --> 00:10:26,090
with the bodily fluid in that bad boy.
304
00:10:26,120 --> 00:10:27,630
So with the grain, okay?
305
00:10:27,670 --> 00:10:29,210
With the grain!
306
00:10:31,200 --> 00:10:32,880
Hey, hey. Is everything okay?
307
00:10:32,950 --> 00:10:34,420
Yeah, sometimes I just find it
308
00:10:34,460 --> 00:10:35,640
a little bit hard to be around them.
309
00:10:35,680 --> 00:10:38,440
- Yeah, Newlie fans?
- Nope, the people of Tampa.
310
00:10:38,590 --> 00:10:41,480
Just a swarm of red-faced vulgarians
311
00:10:41,520 --> 00:10:43,440
parading around in their flip-flops.
312
00:10:43,480 --> 00:10:44,750
It's just disgusting.
313
00:10:44,830 --> 00:10:47,540
Seeing somebody's foot
should be a consensual act.
314
00:10:47,650 --> 00:10:49,700
Look at all of 'em out there.
315
00:10:49,890 --> 00:10:52,820
I swear to god,
Florida popped a cyst one day
316
00:10:52,860 --> 00:10:54,940
and they called it Tampa. Tampa.
317
00:10:55,020 --> 00:10:57,730
Jim, I think you've
wandered into a dark place.
318
00:10:57,770 --> 00:11:00,080
- Yeah, how so?
- I got good news.
319
00:11:00,160 --> 00:11:01,830
Oakland found a replacement sponsor,
320
00:11:01,870 --> 00:11:03,180
and it's a big one.
321
00:11:03,300 --> 00:11:05,200
- Who is it?
- The Bourbon Group.
322
00:11:05,320 --> 00:11:07,310
- Is that a brand?
- It's all the brands.
323
00:11:07,480 --> 00:11:09,990
Yeah, you know,
they got together as a council, and,
324
00:11:10,030 --> 00:11:11,420
you know, just like the milk people.
325
00:11:11,460 --> 00:11:14,810
Except they're promoting
the concept of bourbon.
326
00:11:14,880 --> 00:11:15,930
"Bourbon."
327
00:11:16,010 --> 00:11:17,380
"That sweet, delicious friend"
328
00:11:17,420 --> 00:11:18,700
"who's always there for you."
329
00:11:18,740 --> 00:11:20,980
"In light times, in dark times,"
330
00:11:21,020 --> 00:11:22,520
"it's always bourbon time."
331
00:11:22,560 --> 00:11:23,990
Really? "Dark times"?
332
00:11:24,140 --> 00:11:25,690
They're leveraging our
333
00:11:25,730 --> 00:11:27,970
pre-apocalyptic present
to sell bourbon?
334
00:11:28,000 --> 00:11:30,100
Seriously,
what kind of a horrible monster
335
00:11:30,120 --> 00:11:32,200
would suggest that brown liquor
336
00:11:33,590 --> 00:11:34,940
is the answer to life's problems?
337
00:11:34,980 --> 00:11:36,240
Oh my God, look at you.
338
00:11:36,280 --> 00:11:37,820
- You're salivating.
- No, I'm not.
339
00:11:37,860 --> 00:11:39,380
- Shut up. Leave me alone.
- Yes, you are.
340
00:11:39,410 --> 00:11:41,680
You look like a goddamn
cartoon dog imagining a T-bone.
341
00:11:41,710 --> 00:11:42,800
You need to call someone.
342
00:11:42,840 --> 00:11:44,120
Have you tried Jean? Shirley?
343
00:11:44,160 --> 00:11:45,840
Yes. Nobody's getting back to me.
344
00:11:45,880 --> 00:11:46,940
Whoa.
345
00:11:46,980 --> 00:11:48,880
Oh, thank God. Speak of the devil.
346
00:11:51,020 --> 00:11:52,390
George Brett.
347
00:11:52,740 --> 00:11:54,670
Oh, he wants me to be
an usher at his wedding.
348
00:11:54,750 --> 00:11:56,070
Isn't that delightful?
349
00:11:56,110 --> 00:11:57,840
He marries the love of my life
350
00:11:57,880 --> 00:12:00,580
doesn't have the decency
to ask me to officiate
351
00:12:00,620 --> 00:12:02,120
the goddamn ceremony!
352
00:12:02,160 --> 00:12:04,450
Okay, you need to go
find his jacket ASAP.
353
00:12:04,490 --> 00:12:05,560
I'm on it.
354
00:12:05,600 --> 00:12:06,850
Okay.
355
00:12:06,880 --> 00:12:08,990
Um, just take some deep
breaths, all right?
356
00:12:09,020 --> 00:12:10,430
You got me through a dark time.
357
00:12:10,470 --> 00:12:11,550
I'm gonna get you through yours.
358
00:12:11,590 --> 00:12:12,870
So just keep breathing.
359
00:12:12,950 --> 00:12:15,120
Okay. Bad news.
360
00:12:15,410 --> 00:12:16,780
They lost your jacket.
361
00:12:16,900 --> 00:12:19,020
Good news is,
they're pretty sure they can find it
362
00:12:19,050 --> 00:12:20,820
in the next three to
five business days.
363
00:12:20,850 --> 00:12:23,210
In other news,
you are a useless piece of shit!
364
00:12:23,270 --> 00:12:25,020
- Whoa, hey, Jim!
- Jim, Jim, Jim!
365
00:12:25,060 --> 00:12:26,660
For once, this is not Gus's fault.
366
00:12:26,700 --> 00:12:28,130
Okay, and I know it's important to you,
367
00:12:28,170 --> 00:12:30,330
but it is just a jacket.
You don't need it.
368
00:12:30,460 --> 00:12:32,430
I know I don't need it.
I know I don't need it!
369
00:12:32,470 --> 00:12:33,980
It's not Dumbo's feather, is it?
370
00:12:34,020 --> 00:12:36,860
It's my... my voice was
inside me all along.
371
00:12:36,900 --> 00:12:38,230
I'm livid
372
00:12:38,520 --> 00:12:40,350
because no matter how much
hard work I do on myself,
373
00:12:40,390 --> 00:12:41,910
I keep on being tested, Gab.
374
00:12:41,940 --> 00:12:43,150
I keep being punished.
375
00:12:43,190 --> 00:12:44,920
No end in sight to this shit!
376
00:12:44,960 --> 00:12:45,990
I'm going for a walk.
377
00:12:46,030 --> 00:12:47,550
Oh, no! The game is in 40 minutes.
378
00:12:47,580 --> 00:12:48,650
You want me to breathe.
379
00:12:48,690 --> 00:12:49,850
I'm gonna go breathe. I need air!
380
00:12:49,890 --> 00:12:51,380
I'm gonna go for a walk!
381
00:12:53,940 --> 00:12:55,230
Shit.
382
00:12:55,500 --> 00:12:56,980
Told 'em once!
383
00:12:57,230 --> 00:12:58,660
Nazis!
384
00:12:58,720 --> 00:12:59,770
Ha!
385
00:12:59,780 --> 00:13:01,380
Shit!
386
00:13:02,810 --> 00:13:04,320
Shit.
387
00:13:37,950 --> 00:13:39,830
It's been a day.
388
00:13:40,050 --> 00:13:41,760
Jesus Christ.
389
00:13:43,970 --> 00:13:46,230
Look, I just can't pretend
390
00:13:46,430 --> 00:13:48,900
that this world isn't on fire anymore.
391
00:13:49,160 --> 00:13:51,310
So I might as well enjoy
392
00:13:51,570 --> 00:13:54,500
the one thing in life
that gives me comfort.
393
00:13:56,430 --> 00:13:58,610
You know, Shirley, it's funny.
394
00:13:59,060 --> 00:14:01,600
You're always trying to get me
to find my higher power, right?
395
00:14:01,640 --> 00:14:03,820
I don't think I ever
truly felt its presence
396
00:14:04,180 --> 00:14:05,340
until right now.
397
00:14:06,010 --> 00:14:07,440
Because, no, in this moment,
398
00:14:07,470 --> 00:14:09,400
I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be,
399
00:14:09,430 --> 00:14:11,720
doing exactly what I'm
supposed to be doing.
400
00:14:12,240 --> 00:14:13,400
Okay, and all the bad stuff
401
00:14:13,440 --> 00:14:15,420
that happened to me today
that drove me to this bar
402
00:14:15,460 --> 00:14:16,970
has served its purpose.
403
00:14:17,070 --> 00:14:20,220
Because I was meant to be
here to help you right now.
404
00:14:20,450 --> 00:14:21,850
I mean, come on.
405
00:14:21,890 --> 00:14:24,150
What are the chances
that you end up in a bar
406
00:14:24,190 --> 00:14:26,480
directly across the
street from the stadium
407
00:14:26,580 --> 00:14:28,600
where I'm calling a ball game today?
408
00:14:28,810 --> 00:14:30,730
Well, I'm in Tampa because my son
409
00:14:30,770 --> 00:14:32,840
got arrested for protesting you.
410
00:14:33,140 --> 00:14:35,620
I came here to pick him up and then...
411
00:14:36,150 --> 00:14:39,450
kind of just followed
myself here instead.
412
00:14:40,220 --> 00:14:44,730
Sometimes a coincidence is
just more proof of chaos.
413
00:14:44,830 --> 00:14:47,150
Oh, come on.
414
00:14:49,270 --> 00:14:51,380
My kid's an asshole.
415
00:14:51,970 --> 00:14:54,590
Yeah, and it's all my fault, so...
416
00:14:56,090 --> 00:14:57,980
I didn't get sober till he was seven,
417
00:14:58,010 --> 00:14:59,990
and he's never gonna
forgive me for that.
418
00:15:00,220 --> 00:15:02,440
Shirley, he's 15. Yeah?
419
00:15:02,480 --> 00:15:03,790
- Yeah.
- He's not 50.
420
00:15:04,080 --> 00:15:05,880
Not gonna be like this forever.
421
00:15:05,960 --> 00:15:07,320
Oh, that's true.
422
00:15:07,470 --> 00:15:09,020
He could get worse.
423
00:15:09,100 --> 00:15:11,670
Well, not with you as a
mother, he won't.
424
00:15:15,630 --> 00:15:16,680
Are you kidding me?
425
00:15:16,780 --> 00:15:19,920
I'm a middle-aged telemarketer
426
00:15:20,150 --> 00:15:25,710
whose greatest achievement
in life was sobriety.
427
00:15:25,760 --> 00:15:28,340
I think my point can best be conveyed
428
00:15:28,870 --> 00:15:31,670
through a story about my pet
tortoise, Clemenza.
429
00:15:31,980 --> 00:15:34,670
This living fossil from dinosaur times,
430
00:15:34,690 --> 00:15:38,180
who himself was born before
the combustion engine,
431
00:15:38,340 --> 00:15:42,020
has somehow managed to survive
into the 21st century.
432
00:15:42,170 --> 00:15:44,830
Every single day that
I've lived with Clem,
433
00:15:44,950 --> 00:15:47,810
he tries to get himself
up onto my couch.
434
00:15:47,990 --> 00:15:49,660
"And I always tell him," Clem,
435
00:15:49,690 --> 00:15:51,350
"it's just... it's not
gonna happen for you.
436
00:15:51,460 --> 00:15:52,950
It's impossible."
437
00:15:52,980 --> 00:15:54,940
But all he knows how to do
438
00:15:54,980 --> 00:15:56,630
is just keep on moving forward.
439
00:15:56,670 --> 00:15:58,580
It doesn't matter the obstacle.
440
00:15:58,910 --> 00:16:00,980
One day, I walked in,
441
00:16:01,090 --> 00:16:04,160
and against all logic, there he was.
442
00:16:04,190 --> 00:16:06,110
He was up on the fucking couch.
443
00:16:09,810 --> 00:16:13,010
He just kept going
until he got up there.
444
00:16:13,040 --> 00:16:14,220
- Huh.
- Look.
445
00:16:14,260 --> 00:16:15,420
Here's what I'm trying to tell you.
446
00:16:15,570 --> 00:16:17,470
I understand your hopelessness.
447
00:16:17,600 --> 00:16:19,890
I mean,
right now this country feels like
448
00:16:19,920 --> 00:16:21,870
the lobby of the Overlook Hotel
449
00:16:21,910 --> 00:16:24,050
just moments before the elevator opens
450
00:16:24,080 --> 00:16:25,900
and we're all drowned in blood.
451
00:16:26,060 --> 00:16:29,850
But the only way we make
things better is to try.
452
00:16:30,070 --> 00:16:31,460
Point is,
453
00:16:31,490 --> 00:16:33,290
there's no such thing
as a pointless struggle.
454
00:16:33,920 --> 00:16:35,610
Because it's what we struggle for
455
00:16:35,640 --> 00:16:37,560
and against that defines us.
456
00:16:38,290 --> 00:16:40,720
Now, come on. Let's go to a ball game.
457
00:16:40,960 --> 00:16:42,810
- No... No.
- This is gonna be fun.
458
00:16:42,850 --> 00:16:45,200
'Cause I'm gonna introduce you
to the Baseball God.
459
00:16:45,270 --> 00:16:47,450
- Okay.
- Come on.
460
00:16:47,780 --> 00:16:49,960
- Here we go.
- All right.
461
00:16:50,460 --> 00:16:51,830
Okay.
462
00:16:51,870 --> 00:16:53,740
Easy. All right, okay.
463
00:16:54,320 --> 00:16:56,070
Just hang in there.
464
00:16:56,820 --> 00:16:58,960
Oh, my god, Jean. You came!
465
00:16:59,030 --> 00:17:00,580
I was on my favorite ride
466
00:17:00,620 --> 00:17:03,460
strategizing my next fast
pass, when it hit me:
467
00:17:03,780 --> 00:17:06,560
It is a small world after all.
468
00:17:07,010 --> 00:17:08,430
We need to look out for each other.
469
00:17:08,460 --> 00:17:10,430
That's the point of this whole thing.
470
00:17:10,470 --> 00:17:12,290
Boy, I wish you hadn't
had that realization
471
00:17:12,330 --> 00:17:14,720
on a vaguely racist puppet boat tour.
472
00:17:14,760 --> 00:17:16,220
But I'll take what I can get, Jean.
473
00:17:16,260 --> 00:17:17,820
And, boy, I love you.
474
00:17:17,930 --> 00:17:19,860
God damn it. I love you too, Brother.
475
00:17:20,150 --> 00:17:22,160
Um, oh! Uh, this is Shirley.
476
00:17:22,200 --> 00:17:23,380
This is my... this is my sponsor,
477
00:17:23,450 --> 00:17:25,370
It's nice to meet you.
478
00:17:25,680 --> 00:17:27,970
Well, that explains a lot.
479
00:17:28,170 --> 00:17:31,040
You look like you could use
a cup of coffee and a donut.
480
00:17:31,080 --> 00:17:32,410
Oh my god, yes.
481
00:17:32,450 --> 00:17:33,700
Yeah, here. Let's go, baby.
482
00:17:33,730 --> 00:17:35,690
- Oh, god bless you, Jean.
- Yeah, yeah.
483
00:17:35,730 --> 00:17:36,860
- Thank you.
- Here we go.
484
00:17:36,900 --> 00:17:39,130
Hey. You can't leave like that.
485
00:17:39,280 --> 00:17:41,250
We're a team.
I can't do this by myself.
486
00:17:41,290 --> 00:17:42,740
Neither can I. I am so sorry.
487
00:17:42,780 --> 00:17:44,190
I want you to know that in my
488
00:17:44,220 --> 00:17:45,990
darkest, darkest moments just now,
489
00:17:46,030 --> 00:17:47,970
it was your words about a higher power
490
00:17:48,000 --> 00:17:51,050
that came to me when
everything was just blackness.
491
00:17:51,100 --> 00:17:52,400
Well, where did you go?
492
00:17:52,440 --> 00:17:53,840
I went to a bar. Ah!
493
00:17:53,880 --> 00:17:56,080
The only thing I imbibed
was the joy of service.
494
00:17:56,120 --> 00:17:57,540
Now, you ready to call a ball game?
495
00:17:57,580 --> 00:17:58,910
I have been ready all day.
496
00:17:58,950 --> 00:18:00,560
- Well, let's do it.
- Guys, guys, guys.
497
00:18:00,600 --> 00:18:01,730
Oh, what now, Gus?
498
00:18:01,760 --> 00:18:03,280
Newlie's fans have "swatted"
499
00:18:03,310 --> 00:18:04,640
half the baseball stadiums.
500
00:18:04,680 --> 00:18:05,760
- Swatted?
- Yeah.
501
00:18:05,800 --> 00:18:07,670
All of the West Coast
games have been cancelled.
502
00:18:07,700 --> 00:18:09,740
Major League Baseball wants you
to read a statement about it.
503
00:18:09,770 --> 00:18:11,060
- This is bullshit.
- No, no, no.
504
00:18:11,130 --> 00:18:12,220
- We'll read it.
- What?
505
00:18:12,260 --> 00:18:13,810
- We'll read it.
- Wait, I'm sorry.
506
00:18:13,850 --> 00:18:15,290
What are you...
what are you talking about?
507
00:18:15,570 --> 00:18:17,260
We'll read the weak-tea statement,
508
00:18:17,300 --> 00:18:18,920
and then we'll say
just a little bit more.
509
00:18:18,960 --> 00:18:20,870
Okay, but what about the count?
510
00:18:20,930 --> 00:18:22,540
You know, at this point, I'm just gonna
511
00:18:22,580 --> 00:18:25,070
"keep it Brockmire"
and hope for the best.
512
00:18:25,090 --> 00:18:26,500
- Has that ever worked?
- Well,
513
00:18:26,540 --> 00:18:28,400
there's a first time for
everything, isn't there?
514
00:18:28,440 --> 00:18:30,100
All right.
515
00:18:32,080 --> 00:18:35,470
118 years of baseball history.
516
00:18:36,030 --> 00:18:40,040
50 seasons personifying the
grit and greatness of Oakland.
517
00:18:40,490 --> 00:18:41,870
One team.
518
00:18:41,910 --> 00:18:43,420
Your 2019.
519
00:18:43,450 --> 00:18:46,980
Oakland baseball season begins now.
520
00:18:47,350 --> 00:18:48,670
Welcome, everybody, to Opening day
521
00:18:48,700 --> 00:18:49,780
here in Tampa...
522
00:18:49,810 --> 00:18:51,470
Florida's most Floridian city...
523
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where Oakland opens up the 2019 season.
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I am Jim Brockmire.
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I'm joined by my partner, Gabby Taylor,
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on this uniquely somber
first day of the season.
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As many of you know,
five games were canceled today,
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and the MLB has asked us to read
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the following statement.
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_
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_
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_
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_
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Boy... baseball's really
taking the brave stance
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against improper
emergency service calls.
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- Aren't they?
- Yeah, it certainly is
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a whole lot of words kind of
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strung together in a row, Jim.
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It certainly is, but...
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You know, as the focus of today's
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hateful fear-mongering,
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Gabby and I would like to
say just a few more words.
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- Gabby?
- Thanks, Jim.
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You know, I'm about to
bring a child into a world
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where men like Art Newlie
seem to have their voice
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and power just amplified by the minute.
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He and his followers
don't want me in baseball.
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Or America.
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But... people like me have
always been in this game
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and this country.
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I'm gonna raise this baby
to be a baseball fan,
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because this is my game.
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You're goddamn right it is.
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You know, folks,
my mama always said that
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nothing in this life matters.
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And on days like this,
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when it seems that
stupidity and ignorance
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are the only things being rewarded,
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it's easy to feel like
she is exactly right.
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But I believe that we create
our own meaning in this world.
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And out there, on that diamond,
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that is a world that has meaning.
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Fairness, patience, community,
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the knowledge that
we're a part of a team
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even when we're by ourselves.
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These are the core tenets of baseball.
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They're the ones I fight for
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inside and outside of this game.
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Folks, baseball endures.
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It's a relic of a bygone era that,
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well, it wasn't even a
particularly good one.
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But its continued existence
is a lesson to us all
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that we too can make it out of these...
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these dark times.
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Well said, Jim.
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Stay tuned for the first
pitch when we return.
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And we're clear.
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I want you to be this kid's godfather.
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Are you kidding me?
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Gabby, that is all I have wanted.
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Well, that means that if you die...
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Oh, no. It's not legally binding.
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If I die, the baby goes to my mother.
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And if she dies,
the baby goes to the state.
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Right, but if the state dies
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and California becomes this
apocalyptic wasteland...
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Oh, yeah, then you need
to take custody of my child
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and escort them through
the end of times
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like a Cormac McCarthy novel.
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That's actually a
lot of responsibility.
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'Cause the way things are going,
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there's a 15% chance of that
happening in our lifetime.
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- You ready?
- Mm-hmm.
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Here we go.
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Welcome back, folks,
as we turn our attention
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to what's actually going on
out there on the ball field.
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19-year-old phenom Danny Carney
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making his Major League debut
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on the mound out there for Tampa
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as Lewis settles into
the box for Oakland.
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And here comes the opening pitch
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of the 2019 season.
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It is a fastball high.
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1 and 0.
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