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1
00:00:02,290 --> 00:00:03,790
You'd probably really like my ex-wife.
2
00:00:03,820 --> 00:00:05,000
I mean, most people do.
3
00:00:05,070 --> 00:00:06,580
Well, most men do.
4
00:00:06,620 --> 00:00:08,370
With hindsight, Lucy and I
probably should have
5
00:00:08,400 --> 00:00:10,480
gotten to know each other better.
6
00:00:10,560 --> 00:00:11,950
You know, the only things we
had in common
7
00:00:11,990 --> 00:00:14,570
were high sex drives
and our firm belief
8
00:00:14,600 --> 00:00:16,470
in the film career of David Caruso.
9
00:00:16,570 --> 00:00:19,750
Both of those caused us just
years of heartbreak.
10
00:00:20,020 --> 00:00:21,770
All of which couldn't have been avoided
11
00:00:21,880 --> 00:00:23,980
with just a couple of
more sober dates like this one.
12
00:00:24,060 --> 00:00:25,410
Yeah.
13
00:00:25,450 --> 00:00:27,240
This is a really sober date.
14
00:00:27,320 --> 00:00:28,420
Just the soberest.
15
00:00:28,450 --> 00:00:29,700
Isn't it?
16
00:00:29,740 --> 00:00:31,150
Two people out enjoying each other
17
00:00:31,180 --> 00:00:33,960
on a bright, sunny afternoon.
18
00:00:34,210 --> 00:00:36,930
So unbelievably sunny.
19
00:00:36,960 --> 00:00:39,170
Are you sweating
from every pore as well?
20
00:00:39,210 --> 00:00:40,630
Yes.
21
00:00:40,750 --> 00:00:43,280
Maybe it's the
aerodynamics of this bike?
22
00:00:43,640 --> 00:00:46,040
I feel like we're
pedaling an IMAX screen.
23
00:00:46,270 --> 00:00:48,250
Well, would you like to, uh,
24
00:00:48,290 --> 00:00:50,300
as the kids say, uh...
25
00:00:50,450 --> 00:00:52,080
pull over and park?
26
00:00:52,150 --> 00:00:55,370
Uh, really? Ooh.
27
00:00:55,430 --> 00:00:59,310
I feel like I'm... every
inch of me is sticky.
28
00:00:59,840 --> 00:01:03,880
But sure, yeah,
let's make out at 11:00 a.m.
29
00:01:03,910 --> 00:01:05,210
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
30
00:01:05,260 --> 00:01:07,140
- What the heck, right?
- Okay.
31
00:01:12,100 --> 00:01:15,580
Look, I've been dying for you
to make a move for weeks.
32
00:01:15,620 --> 00:01:19,060
But it's way too hot for
any form of physical embrace.
33
00:01:19,190 --> 00:01:20,480
Agreed. So, uh...
34
00:01:20,570 --> 00:01:23,090
Well, just lips and tongue then.
35
00:01:23,630 --> 00:01:25,070
- Sure.
- Okay.
36
00:01:26,800 --> 00:01:28,880
Uh...
37
00:01:34,150 --> 00:01:36,530
- Okay, I'm calling it.
- We really tried!
38
00:01:36,560 --> 00:01:38,080
We did. We tried.
39
00:01:45,160 --> 00:01:47,760
I caught that broadcast
you and Gabby did.
40
00:01:47,790 --> 00:01:50,140
- Yeah?
- That was, uh... unique.
41
00:01:50,310 --> 00:01:51,430
Well,
42
00:01:51,470 --> 00:01:53,690
we got some nice think pieces
out of it.
43
00:01:53,760 --> 00:01:55,850
Also some pretty strong backlash,
44
00:01:55,890 --> 00:01:57,840
but then there was
a pretty big backlash
45
00:01:57,860 --> 00:01:58,930
to the backlash.
46
00:01:58,960 --> 00:02:01,390
- So...
- Hey, listen.
47
00:02:01,480 --> 00:02:04,540
You two broadcast
a spring training game
48
00:02:04,580 --> 00:02:06,380
and made people give a shit.
49
00:02:06,480 --> 00:02:09,230
They should pin a goddamn medal
on both of you.
50
00:02:09,560 --> 00:02:11,170
I told the Oakland brass
51
00:02:11,320 --> 00:02:12,770
my dying wish is that
52
00:02:12,810 --> 00:02:14,980
you and Gabby take over the TV booth.
53
00:02:15,360 --> 00:02:17,330
Well, boy, Matt,
I appreciate that gesture,
54
00:02:17,370 --> 00:02:19,920
but I really wish you
would not talk like that.
55
00:02:19,960 --> 00:02:21,180
What? Dying wish?
56
00:02:21,220 --> 00:02:23,670
That's just something you say
from a hospital bed
57
00:02:23,700 --> 00:02:25,100
to get what you want.
58
00:02:26,240 --> 00:02:28,220
Got me that pallet of Dunkaroos.
59
00:02:28,280 --> 00:02:30,390
- Holy shit.
- Yeah.
60
00:02:30,580 --> 00:02:31,850
Those things are discontinued.
61
00:02:31,880 --> 00:02:33,690
I mean, it's like I'm eating dodo eggs.
62
00:02:33,730 --> 00:02:35,700
Hey.
63
00:02:35,740 --> 00:02:37,440
- Hey, Jim.
- Hey, Maggie.
64
00:02:37,480 --> 00:02:38,530
Thank you.
65
00:02:38,570 --> 00:02:40,140
I didn't know you'd be here today.
66
00:02:40,260 --> 00:02:41,850
I am.
67
00:02:42,490 --> 00:02:44,040
How... how are you?
68
00:02:44,150 --> 00:02:45,910
- Good.
- Excellent.
69
00:02:46,090 --> 00:02:48,190
- Thank you.
- Oh, well, laters.
70
00:02:48,240 --> 00:02:49,880
Mm-hmm.
71
00:02:50,280 --> 00:02:51,690
Wow.
72
00:02:51,820 --> 00:02:53,660
I was gonna ask how the date went,
73
00:02:53,700 --> 00:02:56,810
but it's pretty clear
you did not dunk your roo.
74
00:02:56,950 --> 00:02:58,190
Did not.
75
00:02:58,510 --> 00:03:00,130
Yeah, I... she's the first person
76
00:03:00,160 --> 00:03:01,910
I've ever tried to be with in sobriety.
77
00:03:01,950 --> 00:03:04,260
You know, I have absolutely no clue
78
00:03:04,450 --> 00:03:05,580
how to convince somebody
79
00:03:05,610 --> 00:03:08,190
to have sex with me
without the aid of alcohol.
80
00:03:08,340 --> 00:03:09,930
You just need practice.
81
00:03:09,990 --> 00:03:12,320
Here, I'll help you.
82
00:03:12,520 --> 00:03:13,920
Come on. Try and fuck me.
83
00:03:13,960 --> 00:03:15,400
No. No, no.
84
00:03:15,440 --> 00:03:17,340
No, I take role play very seriously.
85
00:03:17,490 --> 00:03:19,490
Neither of us are
in the proper wardrobe,
86
00:03:19,530 --> 00:03:22,080
and my wig guy
is still in Baltimore, so...
87
00:03:22,160 --> 00:03:23,600
What... what are you afraid of?
88
00:03:23,640 --> 00:03:25,180
Come on. Don't be a pussy.
89
00:03:25,370 --> 00:03:27,660
I'm already in bed half naked,
90
00:03:27,700 --> 00:03:29,750
Come on, see if you can
get your dick sucked.
91
00:03:31,060 --> 00:03:33,470
- Make a move. Let's go.
- Uh, all right.
92
00:03:33,810 --> 00:03:35,400
Hey, hey.
93
00:03:35,480 --> 00:03:37,240
Jeez, what... get... No!
94
00:03:37,320 --> 00:03:39,670
- Ew! Gross. Pass!
- Come on.
95
00:03:39,890 --> 00:03:41,630
Just grabbing a handful of titty?
96
00:03:41,700 --> 00:03:44,510
I'm not your whore, Brockmire.
97
00:03:44,660 --> 00:03:45,840
Try it again.
98
00:03:46,060 --> 00:03:48,200
Remember I'm a goddamn lady.
99
00:03:48,640 --> 00:03:50,470
Hang on.
You got a little eyelash there.
100
00:03:50,510 --> 00:03:51,620
Hold on.
101
00:03:51,660 --> 00:03:53,600
Oh, I see. You're doing "eyelash"?
102
00:03:53,670 --> 00:03:55,670
- Are you kidding me?
- What?
103
00:03:55,750 --> 00:03:57,100
What are you, the Fonz?
104
00:03:57,180 --> 00:03:59,420
- Oh, all right.
- Do I look like Pinky Tuscadero?
105
00:03:59,460 --> 00:04:02,150
Get out of 1974, you desperate hack.
106
00:04:02,230 --> 00:04:03,960
God, you're terrible at this!
107
00:04:03,990 --> 00:04:05,460
I told you that I was.
108
00:04:05,500 --> 00:04:07,340
Look. All right. Let's just try this.
109
00:04:07,420 --> 00:04:10,040
This'll be another unique
experience for you.
110
00:04:10,190 --> 00:04:11,430
Be honest.
111
00:04:11,460 --> 00:04:13,740
Tell her you want her
112
00:04:13,780 --> 00:04:16,400
to take your sober virginity,
113
00:04:16,480 --> 00:04:19,120
but you're scared.
114
00:04:19,240 --> 00:04:21,090
The vulnerability angle
worked great for me
115
00:04:21,120 --> 00:04:23,230
when I first got diagnosed with cancer.
116
00:04:23,300 --> 00:04:24,610
Got a ton of ass.
117
00:04:24,640 --> 00:04:25,950
Weren't you still married to Meegan
118
00:04:25,990 --> 00:04:27,650
when you were first diagnosed?
119
00:04:27,960 --> 00:04:29,230
Yeah, we had one of those marriages
120
00:04:29,260 --> 00:04:31,610
where we both agreed to be
terrible people.
121
00:04:32,640 --> 00:04:34,580
I had one of those.
122
00:04:34,930 --> 00:04:37,810
Well, she had that agreement.
123
00:04:39,450 --> 00:04:41,350
So you ready to go get dinner?
124
00:04:41,390 --> 00:04:42,900
You know, before we go out,
125
00:04:42,940 --> 00:04:44,180
do you mind if I take a shower?
126
00:04:44,210 --> 00:04:46,200
I came here straight from work.
127
00:04:46,390 --> 00:04:47,800
- Here?
- Mm-hmm.
128
00:04:47,890 --> 00:04:49,740
- Now?
- Yeah.
129
00:04:49,890 --> 00:04:51,970
Yeah, sure. Go right ahead.
130
00:04:52,040 --> 00:04:53,910
There's towels and stuff in there.
131
00:04:54,480 --> 00:04:55,860
Okay.
132
00:04:56,290 --> 00:04:59,740
So I'll just be naked in there
133
00:05:00,320 --> 00:05:01,980
should you need anything.
134
00:05:03,180 --> 00:05:05,470
It'd be weird if you weren't.
135
00:05:05,920 --> 00:05:07,570
I mean, wouldn't it?
136
00:05:08,720 --> 00:05:10,320
Yeah.
137
00:05:15,110 --> 00:05:16,710
Okay.
138
00:05:17,150 --> 00:05:19,050
Am I missing something?
139
00:05:19,250 --> 00:05:20,350
- Whoa!
- Oh!
140
00:05:20,390 --> 00:05:21,600
I forgot Clemenza was in there.
141
00:05:21,640 --> 00:05:22,810
So sorry about that.
142
00:05:22,840 --> 00:05:24,290
It's all right.
You can shower with him.
143
00:05:24,330 --> 00:05:26,030
He likes to wet his little toesies.
144
00:05:26,110 --> 00:05:28,680
Just... if he starts nipping at
you, he's not kidding around.
145
00:05:28,710 --> 00:05:31,420
That's his one flaw.
He lacks a sense of humor.
146
00:05:31,520 --> 00:05:33,960
Uh, can you get him out of here?
147
00:05:33,990 --> 00:05:35,190
Oh, of course.
148
00:05:35,230 --> 00:05:36,840
My bad. I am so sorry.
149
00:05:36,880 --> 00:05:38,070
Come on, Clemenza.
150
00:05:39,680 --> 00:05:42,420
Not nice to scare the nice lady.
151
00:05:42,540 --> 00:05:44,380
It's not funny.
152
00:05:44,650 --> 00:05:46,250
You know, I've been
looking for the right moment
153
00:05:46,280 --> 00:05:48,050
to talk to you
about our whole deal here.
154
00:05:48,080 --> 00:05:50,760
The thing is, I've never had
a relationship sober.
155
00:05:50,910 --> 00:05:52,680
Boy, I've never even had sex sober.
156
00:05:52,710 --> 00:05:53,860
Yeah, come to think of it,
157
00:05:53,900 --> 00:05:56,190
I don't think I have ever
seen a naked woman...
158
00:05:56,260 --> 00:05:58,080
Say, how are you?
159
00:05:58,120 --> 00:05:58,910
'Cause that...
160
00:05:58,950 --> 00:06:00,510
I like every bit of that.
161
00:06:00,630 --> 00:06:02,910
Shut up and kiss me, please.
162
00:06:03,310 --> 00:06:05,420
Absolutely.
163
00:06:05,460 --> 00:06:07,380
Mm.
164
00:06:07,620 --> 00:06:11,040
Hey, before we get into this,
I have a confession to make.
165
00:06:11,100 --> 00:06:13,590
I used to listen to
your podcast all the time.
166
00:06:13,690 --> 00:06:17,530
I just... I didn't want you to
see me as some weird groupie.
167
00:06:17,610 --> 00:06:19,890
Oh, no. I love groupies.
168
00:06:19,920 --> 00:06:21,440
No, seriously.
169
00:06:21,480 --> 00:06:23,140
They guarantee that at least one person
170
00:06:23,200 --> 00:06:24,690
in this relationship likes me.
171
00:06:25,860 --> 00:06:27,770
All those stories you used to tell
172
00:06:27,880 --> 00:06:31,240
about your sexual exploits
around the world...
173
00:06:31,300 --> 00:06:33,970
- Yeah.
- Really turned me on.
174
00:06:34,390 --> 00:06:35,770
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
175
00:06:35,850 --> 00:06:39,460
Well, then allow me to introduce you
176
00:06:39,490 --> 00:06:43,340
to a veritable buffet
of sexual delights.
177
00:06:43,830 --> 00:06:47,320
A smorgasbord of
orgasm-inducing delicacies
178
00:06:47,470 --> 00:06:49,130
from around the globe.
179
00:06:49,240 --> 00:06:51,860
I'm talking about
the Chi-Town Get-Down.
180
00:06:51,970 --> 00:06:54,350
A Thousand and One A-Labian Nights.
181
00:06:54,390 --> 00:06:56,120
Ooh, the Bangkok Bang Cock.
182
00:06:56,220 --> 00:06:58,080
The Bangkok Tangkok.
183
00:06:58,120 --> 00:06:59,250
Now, that last one, that involves
184
00:06:59,330 --> 00:07:00,580
us going to the store to get Tang.
185
00:07:00,690 --> 00:07:01,740
But, uh, it's worth it.
186
00:07:02,080 --> 00:07:03,170
Hey.
187
00:07:03,200 --> 00:07:04,730
- Nothing's happening down there.
- I know.
188
00:07:04,770 --> 00:07:05,820
Is everything okay?
189
00:07:05,860 --> 00:07:07,860
My penis normally jumps up,
190
00:07:07,890 --> 00:07:09,420
like a rambunctious golden retriever
191
00:07:09,460 --> 00:07:10,550
on his way to the park.
192
00:07:10,590 --> 00:07:11,830
Could I give it a try myself?
193
00:07:11,860 --> 00:07:13,350
- Sure.
- I call this maneuver.
194
00:07:13,390 --> 00:07:15,260
"Billy Joel's the Stranger."
195
00:07:15,300 --> 00:07:16,560
See, 'cause I go in lefty.
196
00:07:16,600 --> 00:07:17,730
Okay.
197
00:07:17,780 --> 00:07:18,900
Um...
198
00:07:18,940 --> 00:07:20,480
- I have an idea.
- Yeah.
199
00:07:20,510 --> 00:07:23,250
I'd like to take my penis
and fold it in half
200
00:07:23,330 --> 00:07:26,270
and just kind of jam it
on in there with my thumb
201
00:07:26,350 --> 00:07:28,710
in hopes that once it gets wet
it will expand
202
00:07:28,750 --> 00:07:30,890
like one of those fun dinosaur sponges.
203
00:07:30,950 --> 00:07:32,660
What do you say?
204
00:07:32,810 --> 00:07:34,100
Give it a try?
205
00:07:34,380 --> 00:07:36,290
- Cool. Yeah.
- It could work.
206
00:07:37,330 --> 00:07:39,440
Okay.
207
00:07:39,750 --> 00:07:41,260
Okay.
208
00:07:41,290 --> 00:07:42,670
Boy, I am so sorry.
209
00:07:42,700 --> 00:07:44,240
So I'ma stop.
210
00:07:44,280 --> 00:07:46,210
And I'm gonna work through my shame
211
00:07:46,300 --> 00:07:47,350
by going down on you.
212
00:07:47,390 --> 00:07:48,500
So, you know,
213
00:07:48,540 --> 00:07:49,810
clear out your next couple hours.
214
00:07:49,850 --> 00:07:51,130
Because my overcompensation
215
00:07:51,160 --> 00:07:54,180
is gonna become your erotic marathon!
216
00:07:54,350 --> 00:07:55,700
Here I go.
217
00:07:56,580 --> 00:07:58,000
All right.
218
00:07:58,080 --> 00:07:59,760
Just getting into position.
219
00:07:59,910 --> 00:08:01,600
Hello, my hooded friend.
220
00:08:01,750 --> 00:08:04,100
Okay.
221
00:08:04,540 --> 00:08:05,960
Okay.
222
00:08:07,320 --> 00:08:09,970
I mean, I don't like to
toot my pussy-eating horn here,
223
00:08:10,060 --> 00:08:12,390
but it was... No,
it was a bravura performance.
224
00:08:12,470 --> 00:08:13,870
She would have given me a standing O,
225
00:08:13,890 --> 00:08:15,670
well, if her legs had still worked.
226
00:08:15,710 --> 00:08:18,620
But... even my enjoyment at her total
227
00:08:18,660 --> 00:08:20,210
and complete satisfaction
228
00:08:20,250 --> 00:08:22,890
could not rouse my hibernating hog.
229
00:08:22,930 --> 00:08:25,480
It was just...
it was devastating, people.
230
00:08:25,670 --> 00:08:26,780
You know.
231
00:08:26,940 --> 00:08:28,860
I mean, I'm sure I'm not
the only man in here
232
00:08:28,890 --> 00:08:30,220
to have dealt with impotence.
233
00:08:30,260 --> 00:08:31,970
I mean, am I right, guys?
234
00:08:33,110 --> 00:08:35,510
Hmm? Really, guys?
235
00:08:35,550 --> 00:08:38,280
I mean, there's more handicap
placards out there than cars.
236
00:08:38,310 --> 00:08:40,890
But in this room
full of medical maladies,
237
00:08:40,920 --> 00:08:43,100
I'm the only human being
to have dealt with this issue.
238
00:08:43,190 --> 00:08:44,820
Is that what you're telling me?
239
00:08:45,260 --> 00:08:46,830
Larry?
240
00:08:47,470 --> 00:08:48,970
Look at me, Larry.
241
00:08:49,120 --> 00:08:50,840
I'm looking at you, Larry.
242
00:08:51,500 --> 00:08:53,290
Because you're an elderly gentleman
243
00:08:53,330 --> 00:08:54,980
with circulatory problems
244
00:08:55,040 --> 00:08:56,580
who's battling prostate cancer,
245
00:08:56,730 --> 00:08:58,130
yet somehow, some way,
246
00:08:58,170 --> 00:09:00,000
you're just hard as a rock
down there on demand?
247
00:09:00,040 --> 00:09:01,180
Is that it?
248
00:09:01,320 --> 00:09:02,480
Jim.
249
00:09:02,840 --> 00:09:04,980
They had to amputate your foot, Larry.
250
00:09:05,130 --> 00:09:07,750
'Cause not enough blood
was flowing to it.
251
00:09:08,070 --> 00:09:09,790
Probably all just pooling there
252
00:09:09,830 --> 00:09:11,610
in your rock-hard Johnson, huh?
253
00:09:11,680 --> 00:09:12,730
Come on, Jim.
254
00:09:12,770 --> 00:09:14,070
Are you hard right now, Larry?
255
00:09:14,140 --> 00:09:15,360
Jim, knock it off.
256
00:09:15,400 --> 00:09:16,920
If we wheeled you
into the center of the room,
257
00:09:16,960 --> 00:09:18,410
could we play ring-toss with it?
258
00:09:18,520 --> 00:09:20,220
- Jim!
- Larry!
259
00:09:20,250 --> 00:09:21,690
Jim!
260
00:09:22,820 --> 00:09:24,420
Larry!
261
00:09:26,920 --> 00:09:29,150
Have some regrets about the way
I handled things with Larry.
262
00:09:29,190 --> 00:09:30,900
I do think that most of his tears
263
00:09:30,940 --> 00:09:32,380
were due to his time in Nam, though.
264
00:09:32,420 --> 00:09:34,770
Well, you know, you have only
yourself to blame.
265
00:09:35,210 --> 00:09:38,460
A man with anxiety so bad
he can't count out loud
266
00:09:38,580 --> 00:09:41,100
should not be trying to get
a boner in front of a stranger.
267
00:09:41,220 --> 00:09:42,880
Well, I've never had
the dick yips, Shirley.
268
00:09:42,950 --> 00:09:44,020
Mm-hmm. Sure.
269
00:09:44,060 --> 00:09:45,380
- I haven't.
- Okay.
270
00:09:45,420 --> 00:09:48,050
A woman once chipped
her tooth on my whiskey dick
271
00:09:48,090 --> 00:09:50,120
during a particularly sloppy blowjob.
272
00:09:50,160 --> 00:09:51,990
Well, maybe your penis
is trying to tell you
273
00:09:52,030 --> 00:09:53,270
that it's too soon to date.
274
00:09:53,550 --> 00:09:54,790
You're still working the steps.
275
00:09:54,830 --> 00:09:57,040
So what, my dick
has a moral compass now?
276
00:09:57,070 --> 00:09:59,590
After all the appalling things
it's had me do?
277
00:09:59,690 --> 00:10:02,230
A month ago,
it made me fuck a croissant.
278
00:10:02,320 --> 00:10:03,700
I'm so in my head with this thing,
279
00:10:03,740 --> 00:10:05,650
I can't even get it up
to masturbate anymore.
280
00:10:05,660 --> 00:10:06,810
Can you believe that?
281
00:10:07,410 --> 00:10:08,780
My dong is like some kind of
282
00:10:08,800 --> 00:10:11,320
sad little one-eyed Charlie Brown
283
00:10:11,360 --> 00:10:13,540
that's too depressed
to even lift his head up.
284
00:10:14,020 --> 00:10:16,550
God, I wish the program
allowed me to take Viagra.
285
00:10:16,580 --> 00:10:17,760
Well, it does,
286
00:10:17,800 --> 00:10:19,840
as long as it's not a trigger for you.
287
00:10:19,910 --> 00:10:21,560
Me, I never have abused it.
288
00:10:21,660 --> 00:10:22,830
I mean, every time I took it,
289
00:10:22,870 --> 00:10:24,290
I went on a crystal meth bender.
290
00:10:24,330 --> 00:10:26,220
But that was only, like,
eight or ten times a year.
291
00:10:26,260 --> 00:10:27,680
So no Viagra.
292
00:10:28,010 --> 00:10:30,130
Jim, I'm thinking that we've reached
293
00:10:30,170 --> 00:10:32,800
the point in your recovery
where it's time for you
294
00:10:32,840 --> 00:10:35,320
to take some responsibility
for your own solutions.
295
00:10:35,830 --> 00:10:37,660
Yeah? So what do you think
296
00:10:37,700 --> 00:10:39,180
would make a good fix?
297
00:10:39,220 --> 00:10:40,820
Well, I still haven't found
a higher power
298
00:10:40,860 --> 00:10:42,070
that I can believe in, I mean,
299
00:10:42,110 --> 00:10:43,750
without rolling my eyes anyway.
300
00:10:43,790 --> 00:10:45,980
But I'm just gonna have to
let go of the wheel
301
00:10:46,010 --> 00:10:47,650
and let something else take control
302
00:10:47,690 --> 00:10:49,620
or I'm never gonna quiet my mind
303
00:10:49,650 --> 00:10:52,250
and be free of this anxiety, am I?
304
00:10:53,860 --> 00:10:55,790
That was right.
I just got that right, didn't I?
305
00:10:56,110 --> 00:10:57,940
Holy shit! I'm starting to get it.
306
00:10:58,020 --> 00:10:59,220
That is great.
307
00:10:59,290 --> 00:11:01,610
You are now emotionally 18.
308
00:11:01,740 --> 00:11:04,410
But do you mind if I skip the part
309
00:11:04,450 --> 00:11:07,120
where I bang the
alcoholic epiphany gong?
310
00:11:07,160 --> 00:11:08,760
'Cause I really gotta pick up my kid.
311
00:11:08,800 --> 00:11:10,060
I'm guessing you, uh,
312
00:11:10,100 --> 00:11:11,500
you weren't a cheerleader
in high school,
313
00:11:11,530 --> 00:11:12,630
- Am I right, Shirley?
- No.
314
00:11:12,670 --> 00:11:13,910
I did once stab a cheerleader
315
00:11:13,940 --> 00:11:15,580
with a pencil once in eighth grade.
316
00:11:15,660 --> 00:11:17,220
'Cause the bitch stole my lighter.
317
00:11:17,260 --> 00:11:18,560
I gotta go.
318
00:11:20,160 --> 00:11:22,610
My sponsor, ladies and gentlemen.
319
00:11:23,010 --> 00:11:24,570
So long.
320
00:11:26,460 --> 00:11:28,820
I know it's been a drought,
but don't worry.
321
00:11:28,990 --> 00:11:31,990
A storm is coming to drop 6 3/4 inches
322
00:11:32,080 --> 00:11:33,960
right on your head.
323
00:11:34,170 --> 00:11:35,380
Come on, Jim.
324
00:11:35,460 --> 00:11:37,130
Cum all over these people's faces.
325
00:11:37,170 --> 00:11:38,760
They want you to!
326
00:11:40,390 --> 00:11:41,690
God dammit, Brockmire.
327
00:11:41,820 --> 00:11:43,060
The town is counting on you.
328
00:11:43,140 --> 00:11:46,810
If there's no snow,
the whole economy is ruined.
329
00:11:47,830 --> 00:11:50,090
The winter season
keeps these people afloat, Jim.
330
00:11:50,130 --> 00:11:51,350
Come on. Come on!
331
00:11:51,390 --> 00:11:53,410
All right, I'm definitely putting
332
00:11:53,450 --> 00:11:55,560
too much pressure on myself now.
333
00:11:57,140 --> 00:11:58,730
- Hey.
- Hey.
334
00:11:58,770 --> 00:12:00,960
I'm off work in an hour.
335
00:12:01,020 --> 00:12:02,310
Oh, Maggie.
336
00:12:02,350 --> 00:12:04,590
At this point, I'm like Wile E. Coyote
337
00:12:04,630 --> 00:12:07,330
and your vagina is a tunnel
painted on a mountain.
338
00:12:07,680 --> 00:12:09,650
I want very much to be inside,
339
00:12:09,690 --> 00:12:11,780
but physics is against me.
340
00:12:12,310 --> 00:12:15,420
Well, I still want to see you tonight.
341
00:12:15,590 --> 00:12:18,000
I just enjoy spending time with you.
342
00:12:18,040 --> 00:12:19,510
It's comfortable, like
343
00:12:19,780 --> 00:12:21,630
dating an old leather chair.
344
00:12:21,710 --> 00:12:23,040
Well,
345
00:12:23,210 --> 00:12:24,820
you do always have a standing offer
346
00:12:24,860 --> 00:12:26,710
to sit right there on my face.
347
00:12:28,000 --> 00:12:29,690
You don't have to constantly offer
348
00:12:29,720 --> 00:12:30,810
to go down on me.
349
00:12:30,850 --> 00:12:32,210
We can just talk.
350
00:12:32,260 --> 00:12:34,670
Or, more realistically,
you can talk and I can listen.
351
00:12:34,790 --> 00:12:37,500
And if you feel like trying again,
352
00:12:37,910 --> 00:12:39,180
we can.
353
00:12:39,350 --> 00:12:40,470
That's very sweet.
354
00:12:40,510 --> 00:12:42,510
And of course I would love
to see you tonight.
355
00:12:42,560 --> 00:12:45,490
And I appreciate your patience with me.
356
00:12:45,720 --> 00:12:47,750
You know, it's been a long time
since I liked anyone.
357
00:12:47,790 --> 00:12:49,570
And, uh, well,
358
00:12:49,740 --> 00:12:51,040
I want you to be in my life,
359
00:12:51,070 --> 00:12:53,170
even after Matt goes home.
360
00:12:54,440 --> 00:12:55,780
What?
361
00:12:56,190 --> 00:12:57,840
Well, Matt's not going home.
362
00:12:58,040 --> 00:12:59,580
What do you mean?
363
00:13:00,470 --> 00:13:03,580
The cancer, it spread to his organs.
364
00:13:03,970 --> 00:13:05,430
It has?
365
00:13:05,520 --> 00:13:08,230
- Since when?
- About two weeks.
366
00:13:08,500 --> 00:13:10,850
He never said anything.
367
00:13:11,260 --> 00:13:13,400
How long does he have?
368
00:13:14,390 --> 00:13:15,850
Not very long.
369
00:13:16,350 --> 00:13:17,500
I'm only telling you now
370
00:13:17,530 --> 00:13:19,860
because you're the only person
he talks to.
371
00:13:19,980 --> 00:13:22,700
I think it's just gonna be
you there at the end.
372
00:13:23,990 --> 00:13:25,530
Okay, god.
373
00:13:26,260 --> 00:13:27,830
You know, I think this is
the first time
374
00:13:27,870 --> 00:13:29,120
in my life I've ever been asked
375
00:13:29,160 --> 00:13:30,900
to give somebody comfort.
376
00:13:31,430 --> 00:13:33,770
I'm curious to finally hear
what gets said after.
377
00:13:33,810 --> 00:13:36,330
"Jim, that's enough.
You need to leave."
378
00:13:42,610 --> 00:13:45,140
So right there on the...
on the Christmas Village?
379
00:13:45,180 --> 00:13:47,420
- Right there.
- Do you aim?
380
00:13:47,580 --> 00:13:48,700
No, I don't aim.
381
00:13:48,780 --> 00:13:50,560
Where it lands is just an act of God.
382
00:13:50,590 --> 00:13:51,730
Or, well, it was,
383
00:13:51,770 --> 00:13:53,520
until my dick died.
384
00:13:53,730 --> 00:13:55,360
Yeah.
385
00:13:55,430 --> 00:13:56,950
Well, if it makes you feel any better,
386
00:13:56,990 --> 00:13:58,740
I haven't been able to get it up for
387
00:13:59,340 --> 00:14:00,670
a couple of months.
388
00:14:00,740 --> 00:14:01,800
That actually does.
389
00:14:01,830 --> 00:14:02,880
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
390
00:14:02,920 --> 00:14:04,850
The damn thing just lies there.
391
00:14:04,890 --> 00:14:07,010
Hold me... Holy cats and jammers.
392
00:14:07,040 --> 00:14:08,720
My g... I...
393
00:14:08,780 --> 00:14:10,420
Wow. I feel like I should salute it.
394
00:14:10,460 --> 00:14:12,460
Because it's a flag pole, sir.
395
00:14:12,540 --> 00:14:14,200
Please tell me
it doesn't get any longer;
396
00:14:14,310 --> 00:14:16,570
it just plumps up
like a Ballpark Frank.
397
00:14:17,660 --> 00:14:19,160
I get another couple inches.
398
00:14:19,210 --> 00:14:20,310
What?
399
00:14:20,350 --> 00:14:21,390
I mean, come on.
400
00:14:21,430 --> 00:14:22,620
How does that even work?
401
00:14:22,660 --> 00:14:24,070
Well, it doesn't, really.
402
00:14:24,100 --> 00:14:26,380
That's the cosmic joke of it all.
403
00:14:26,420 --> 00:14:29,800
It is a terribly designed tool
for the job.
404
00:14:29,840 --> 00:14:31,640
It's like using a hammer to knit.
405
00:14:32,820 --> 00:14:35,760
I mean, women like to
experience it once.
406
00:14:35,800 --> 00:14:37,960
You know, as a fun story
to tell their friends,
407
00:14:38,000 --> 00:14:41,020
but they don't generally
come back for seconds.
408
00:14:41,560 --> 00:14:43,190
You know...
409
00:14:43,420 --> 00:14:45,400
I've never told anybody this.
410
00:14:46,570 --> 00:14:48,120
I have never,
411
00:14:48,190 --> 00:14:50,770
not once in my entire life,
412
00:14:51,010 --> 00:14:54,460
been fully inside a woman.
413
00:14:55,480 --> 00:14:56,920
Boy, that's heartbreaking.
414
00:14:57,010 --> 00:14:59,640
No, 'cause I'm picturing it now.
415
00:14:59,790 --> 00:15:01,320
I mean, your balls just going
416
00:15:01,360 --> 00:15:04,260
back and forth
in the air like that alone,
417
00:15:04,640 --> 00:15:07,330
like abandoned twins on a swing set.
418
00:15:08,510 --> 00:15:10,590
Basically every time I've had sex,
419
00:15:11,060 --> 00:15:14,100
neither one of us
has really enjoyed it.
420
00:15:14,640 --> 00:15:18,160
God damn, no wonder
I have intimacy issues.
421
00:15:20,360 --> 00:15:23,210
Okay, enough about
my pathetic love life.
422
00:15:23,270 --> 00:15:25,120
How about your pathetic love life?
423
00:15:25,480 --> 00:15:26,910
You got a...
424
00:15:26,940 --> 00:15:28,150
plan of attack there?
425
00:15:28,180 --> 00:15:30,350
How are you gonna
fix your little limp friend?
426
00:15:30,630 --> 00:15:31,890
Oh, I don't know.
427
00:15:31,920 --> 00:15:34,380
Uh, you know, I'm in
uncharted territory here.
428
00:15:34,550 --> 00:15:36,210
I mean, I can't seem to be able to
429
00:15:36,270 --> 00:15:37,510
do anything about it myself,
430
00:15:37,540 --> 00:15:39,640
so I guess I just have to let go
431
00:15:39,680 --> 00:15:41,540
and see what the universe can do?
I don't know.
432
00:15:41,580 --> 00:15:43,360
The program wants me to believe
433
00:15:43,390 --> 00:15:45,890
in something bigger than myself.
434
00:15:46,090 --> 00:15:47,430
You don't believe in God?
435
00:15:47,510 --> 00:15:48,560
Oh, sure I do.
436
00:15:48,600 --> 00:15:50,110
No, I don't believe in God.
437
00:15:50,190 --> 00:15:51,820
Come on. God.
438
00:15:52,010 --> 00:15:53,660
God is just a security blanket
439
00:15:53,690 --> 00:15:56,190
for people who are still
afraid of the dark.
440
00:15:56,350 --> 00:15:57,980
It's an existential night light
441
00:15:58,020 --> 00:15:59,300
that helps them sleep at night.
442
00:15:59,340 --> 00:16:01,100
The good news is, there's
no monster under the bed.
443
00:16:01,180 --> 00:16:03,450
Bad news is: no God either.
444
00:16:05,950 --> 00:16:07,450
But, you know, look. What do I know?
445
00:16:07,490 --> 00:16:10,350
I just tried and failed to
jerk off on an Alpine village.
446
00:16:10,380 --> 00:16:13,490
Don't put too much stock
in anything I say.
447
00:16:14,600 --> 00:16:16,860
What do you think happens when you die?
448
00:16:18,170 --> 00:16:20,350
I don't know.
449
00:16:20,450 --> 00:16:23,290
Come... I mean, you know,
some things are beyond words.
450
00:16:23,990 --> 00:16:25,900
Come on, man. Don't...
451
00:16:26,030 --> 00:16:27,110
Don't do that. Don't...
452
00:16:27,140 --> 00:16:28,630
Don't start lying to me.
453
00:16:28,700 --> 00:16:30,820
Not at the end.
454
00:16:31,710 --> 00:16:33,250
Okay.
455
00:16:34,940 --> 00:16:36,920
I think you decompose.
456
00:16:37,830 --> 00:16:39,690
I think that the energy in our body
457
00:16:39,720 --> 00:16:42,810
is gonna get redistributed
back out into nature.
458
00:16:43,540 --> 00:16:46,550
Atoms that were a million
different things before
459
00:16:46,590 --> 00:16:49,710
are all gonna become a million
different other things again.
460
00:16:50,540 --> 00:16:53,370
I think that a soul
is just consciousness.
461
00:16:53,880 --> 00:16:55,350
And what's consciousness?
462
00:16:55,390 --> 00:16:58,740
It's just a shared delusion
created by matter.
463
00:17:00,940 --> 00:17:02,880
That's what I think.
464
00:17:03,490 --> 00:17:05,750
Yeah. Shit.
465
00:17:06,580 --> 00:17:08,690
Me too.
466
00:17:09,430 --> 00:17:11,540
You know,
467
00:17:11,800 --> 00:17:14,020
the worst part, to me,
468
00:17:14,640 --> 00:17:16,070
is the...
469
00:17:16,110 --> 00:17:17,960
just the rotting.
470
00:17:19,660 --> 00:17:21,240
I mean,
471
00:17:22,150 --> 00:17:25,170
everything that I am...
472
00:17:26,400 --> 00:17:29,640
just becoming a big
473
00:17:30,400 --> 00:17:33,210
putrefying puddle.
474
00:17:34,270 --> 00:17:35,900
Hey, man.
475
00:17:36,040 --> 00:17:37,750
You always gotta remember
how lucky you are.
476
00:17:37,790 --> 00:17:39,130
Right?
477
00:17:39,250 --> 00:17:41,080
'Cause, of all the possible lives,
478
00:17:41,120 --> 00:17:43,350
you got to be a baseball man.
479
00:17:44,160 --> 00:17:45,360
That's gotta be in the top
480
00:17:45,400 --> 00:17:50,870
.00001% of things
that anybody gets to do.
481
00:17:51,590 --> 00:17:54,170
You were paid
to travel around the world,
482
00:17:54,320 --> 00:17:56,100
you showed up only
when the weather was nice,
483
00:17:56,140 --> 00:17:58,210
you got three months off a year,
484
00:17:58,590 --> 00:18:00,180
and most of all...
485
00:18:00,300 --> 00:18:02,940
you got to play this
beautiful children's game
486
00:18:02,970 --> 00:18:04,920
your whole entire life.
487
00:18:05,330 --> 00:18:07,950
Man, I'd have rather had your life
488
00:18:07,980 --> 00:18:10,040
than the goddamn Queen of England's.
489
00:18:11,580 --> 00:18:14,400
I was always at my best
490
00:18:14,710 --> 00:18:16,040
on a baseball field.
491
00:18:16,140 --> 00:18:17,440
Oh, man.
492
00:18:17,700 --> 00:18:19,460
They're like sacred places.
493
00:18:20,030 --> 00:18:22,290
Lit up, they're just like temples, and
494
00:18:22,880 --> 00:18:25,590
in darkness, they're like cemeteries.
495
00:18:28,950 --> 00:18:30,560
Ah, look at that.
496
00:18:30,820 --> 00:18:32,260
I guess I do believe in something
497
00:18:32,300 --> 00:18:33,830
bigger than myself:
498
00:18:33,980 --> 00:18:35,650
baseball.
499
00:18:36,870 --> 00:18:38,170
Yeah.
500
00:18:38,540 --> 00:18:40,410
That's a god I could believe in.
501
00:18:40,450 --> 00:18:42,530
A Baseball God.
502
00:18:42,680 --> 00:18:44,030
Yes.
503
00:18:44,300 --> 00:18:45,620
Yeah, a kind of God
504
00:18:45,660 --> 00:18:48,620
that demands that
all his churches be parks.
505
00:18:49,730 --> 00:18:51,780
God that forces you to play outside
506
00:18:51,820 --> 00:18:52,960
on a nice day.
507
00:18:53,160 --> 00:18:55,100
Yeah. Who doesn't keep time,
508
00:18:55,250 --> 00:18:57,150
because our actions
should determine our fate,
509
00:18:57,190 --> 00:18:59,520
not some stupid clock.
510
00:19:00,150 --> 00:19:02,910
Yeah. A god who keeps us humble
511
00:19:02,950 --> 00:19:04,960
by making us play a game
512
00:19:05,000 --> 00:19:08,090
- that's steeped in failure.
- Mm.
513
00:19:09,390 --> 00:19:11,650
That's the kind of God
that I'd worship.
514
00:19:13,440 --> 00:19:15,430
Well, we did.
515
00:19:15,500 --> 00:19:17,040
We do.
516
00:19:18,620 --> 00:19:20,400
We did, didn't we?
517
00:19:21,450 --> 00:19:22,830
Huh.
518
00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:29,440
When my mind was racing
519
00:19:29,530 --> 00:19:32,130
and the yips were just
gripping me tight,
520
00:19:32,250 --> 00:19:34,730
I remember how you said
that the Baseball God
521
00:19:34,770 --> 00:19:37,120
teaches humility through failure.
522
00:19:37,270 --> 00:19:39,030
Now, that's true.
523
00:19:39,330 --> 00:19:41,910
But he's also a God who gives gifts.
524
00:19:42,270 --> 00:19:45,860
A struggling hitter is granted
a swing and bunt single.
525
00:19:46,070 --> 00:19:50,290
A dead-arm pitcher is blessed
by a line drive double play.
526
00:19:50,580 --> 00:19:54,810
Sometimes the Baseball God
deems you worthy of a reprieve.
527
00:19:55,690 --> 00:19:57,010
And I got one.
528
00:19:57,040 --> 00:20:00,270
Well, what I got was a...
it was a hand job.
529
00:20:00,350 --> 00:20:03,470
I just kept whispering to myself
over and over again,
530
00:20:03,500 --> 00:20:05,430
"I'm due. I'm due."
531
00:20:05,560 --> 00:20:07,410
It almost became like a prayer.
532
00:20:07,630 --> 00:20:09,750
And my prayer was answered.
533
00:20:09,830 --> 00:20:11,330
A little bit too well.
534
00:20:11,370 --> 00:20:12,380
Wow.
535
00:20:12,420 --> 00:20:14,340
That is all over my car.
536
00:20:14,420 --> 00:20:17,390
Oh, when the levee breaks,
Mama, you got to move.
537
00:20:18,610 --> 00:20:20,440
And you're still coming.
538
00:20:20,480 --> 00:20:21,660
Yeah, I'm pretty pent up.
539
00:20:21,700 --> 00:20:23,440
Oh, Maggie,
540
00:20:23,570 --> 00:20:24,650
thank you so much.
541
00:20:27,490 --> 00:20:30,140
I found my higher power in a hand job.
542
00:20:30,180 --> 00:20:31,570
It was just so stupid
543
00:20:31,610 --> 00:20:33,330
and amazing and, well,
544
00:20:33,600 --> 00:20:35,980
I never got to tell you that
while you were alive, Bat.
545
00:20:36,320 --> 00:20:38,910
Not because we didn't
have that kind of a friendship.
546
00:20:39,020 --> 00:20:40,760
I was more intimate and open with you
547
00:20:40,820 --> 00:20:42,340
than any other man I've ever known.
548
00:20:42,420 --> 00:20:43,760
We just...
549
00:20:44,370 --> 00:20:46,590
We ran out of time, didn't we?
550
00:20:47,500 --> 00:20:49,080
We knew each other for 30 years,
551
00:20:49,120 --> 00:20:50,640
but we only enjoyed
each other's company
552
00:20:50,670 --> 00:20:52,530
the last five weeks.
553
00:20:52,990 --> 00:20:56,150
Most of our friendship
was a complete failure.
554
00:20:56,380 --> 00:21:01,020
But in the end, we were given
a gift from the Baseball God.
555
00:21:01,740 --> 00:21:04,400
One that I will always be grateful for.
556
00:21:06,020 --> 00:21:08,680
I'm gonna miss you, Matt Hardesty.
557
00:21:09,910 --> 00:21:11,560
And don't you worry.
558
00:21:11,830 --> 00:21:13,830
I made sure you wouldn't rot.
559
00:21:30,720 --> 00:21:32,380
Ah, shit.
560
00:21:32,600 --> 00:21:35,330
A little of you
just went inside my mouth.
561
00:21:36,750 --> 00:21:38,440
Probably your dick.
36614
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