All language subtitles for I.Feel.Bad.S01E04.WEBRip.x264-ION10.eng

.

[hip-hop music]

- I love taking the kids
to the mall.

There's something
for everyone.

Mama likes to get
her samples on.

Just taking some for a friend.

Thank you.

Lily likes getting
sucked in

by the kiosk carneys.

And there's one little guy

who just loves going on

the kiddie rides.

Sadly, it's not
this little guy.

It's that one.

Lately, every time
we come to the mall,

Louie insists on riding
the kiddie rides

with the four-year-olds.

But you know what?

I'd never be embarrassed

by my own child.

- Your kid still likes
the baby rides, huh?

- That's not my kid.
Nope.

Yep, another great day
at the mall

with my two kids.

[hip-hop music]

♪

- Babe, do you
think Louie's immature?

'Cause I'm thinking maybe
we coddle him too much.

- What?
We do not coddle him.

- I don't know, I mean,

we help him dress
in the morning,

he still gets
special kid's food,

and he still needs a Cheerio
in the toilet bowl

to know where to aim.

- Okay, remember what happened
when we took the Cheerio away?

Soaked the hand towels.

He somehow peed behind himself.

- All the more reason

that he needs to grow up

and do stuff for himself.

- What nonsense
are you talking?

Louie is such
a sweet, innocent boy.

Why do you want to rush him

to grow into
a disgusting pervert man

with hair and sounds?

- I mean, so he can pee
without cereal.

Is that so much to ask?

- You know, actually,
Mommy's right.

Let Louie be young.

Childhood goes by so fast.

Mine was such fun,

until I saw
that woman get hit

by the rickshaw scooter.

- Oh, God, that's terr--

- Not finished.

She ricocheted onto
the railway track.

They tried to pull her out,

but the train was coming
too fast.

Bing, bang, boom,
childhood over.

Ooh, come to papa.

- I hate it when my family

doesn't just agree with me.

But maybe I was stressing
over nothing.

Also, someday,
my dad needs therapy.

- Gin.

- Hey.

When you were kids,

when did your mom
stop coddling you?

- Oh, well, my mum used to
let me sleep in her bed

until I was a teenager.

Even now, whenever I go home
for a visit,

we have a little cuddle.

Sorry, did you say "cuddle"
or "coddle"?

- It just became irrelevant.

- Well, my mom did not
coddle me, mm-mm.

No, she's actually
pretty strict.

Yeah, she loads up
my debit card

and if I spend all that,

ooh, it is too bad
until next week.

[mimes whipping]

- That's not strict.

- Mm-mm, that boy ain't right.

- Bye, Mom, bye, Mama.

I love each of you the most.

- Aw.
- Bye, catch you two later.

- I love you more, I do.

Mwah, mwah, mwah.

- Okay, I don't even
need to ask you, Norman.

You talk to your moms
way too often.

- For your information,

I talk to them once a day.

But sometimes for ten hours.

- So your iPad is essentially

a baby monitor?

- Are these highly
personal questions

leading to a point?

- Yes, if I don't stop
coddling Louie,

he's going to turn into
some sort of adult baby man

like you guys.

- I haven't worn a diaper
since Coachella.

- Yeah, I'm not a baby.

You're a baby.

[as dinosaur]
I am green.

[peppy music]

- [dinosaur roaring]

- Oh, God.

I couldn't let Louie
turn into them.

I knew what I needed to do.

David and I embarked on

Operation Grow Louie
the Eff Up

So He Doesn't Become
an Eff Up.

Our plan was simple:

Bribe Louie with cash

to get him to do what we want.

- I like baths!

It's like swimming
without all the sun!

- Time to graduate

to a big boy shower.

- Text me if you need help!

- Agh!

♪

Mission accomplished.

- Hey.

- Nice work, buddy.

- Good boy.
Boom.

- I didn't get paid to grow up.

- The gender pay gap
starts young.

Welcome to my world, sunshine.

- That's ugly.
Wow, he missed a spot.

Yeah, no, I'll get it.

- Our next task
was making Louie

dress himself for school.

Oh, no.

- Lou, wow.

- Oh, honey, he looks
just like Lily Tomlin.

Please let me make
some adjustments.

- Nope, nope, no, no, no, no.

♪

- BRB, gotta hit
the boys' room.

- Please don't pee
on the seat.

- I think I should give him
one last Cheerio.

Think of the hand towels.

- It did not go well.

- No one said it
would be easy.

- Keep 'em coming.

♪

- Oh, mother!

I just sat in
quite a bit of urine.

- Okay, honey,
I believe in you.

No training wheels.

Come on, you got this.

- You got it.

- Yes. Yep.
- Oh yeah.

- Yep!
- Oh, we're doing it!

- Yeah! Yes!

- He's doing it!
- Yes, yes!

- He's doing it!
- Yeah!

- Whoa!

- Oh, no.

Well, almost did it.

Oh.
- Almost.

- Little did I know,

Operation Grow the Eff Up

would inspire these eff ups

to do the same thing.

- Do you guys think
Emet's right?

Are we adult babies?
- I hope not.

There's nothing sexy about
being an adult baby,

apart from some
rather unsavory porn sites.

Mm-hmm.

-Maybe our dependence
on our moms

is why we can't sustain mature
relationships with women.

- Dude, if my mom is the reason

I'm not getting laid,
then who needs her?

So what do we do?

- Mom cleanse.

No moms for a week.

- Hmm.

- Yeah, I can do that.

I can quit anything for a week.

Except for my meds.

Yeah, I have to taper
those slowly.

Otherwise I'll just end up

accidentally driving my car

into another Denny's.

- I love Denny's.

- Finally, two weeks
and $47 later...

- Yes!

- Success!

Yes!
- Aw!

- That is my child!

- Grown up chicken for one.

- Ah, smells divine.

Why did I ever need you

in nugget form?

♪

- Bullseye!
[all cheering]

- And just like that,
no more pee Cheerios.

Okay, Louie.

One of the perks
of being a grown up

is you get to spend your money

on anything you want, okay?

Just not guns.

- Okay, sweetie?

- Don't buy anything that could

put me in the news, okay?

Thanks.
- Go get 'em.

♪

Aw.

Our little boy's buying
a baseball cap!

- Well, I know you love that.

- Hey, why is he getting

all those quarters?

Wait.
- What's happening?

What?

- There he goes.

- Are you kidding me?

I thought we were
making progress.

Is he ever gonna grow up?

- Oh.
I think he has.

♪

- [gasps]

Oh, no.
No, I don't like this at all.

Oh, my God.

How did I never notice

what Louie was looking at?

- It's not the kiddie ride
he likes.

It's the big boy view.

He is riding
that Mr. Caterpillar

right into puberty.

- I want my dollars back.

.

- I thought Louie
had to grow up.

But apparently
that's happening.

So now we better hurry
and catch up.

That little guy is ready
for boobies?

How could I miss this?

- Okay, he did wear
a cape to school.

It would throw anyone off.

- Yes!

- He's such a baby.

But he's also horny.
He's a horny baby.

- Okay, let's just
make sure that we

actually saw what
we think we saw.

- Okay.
- Okay?

- But let's be super cool
and chill about it

so we don't freak him out.

- Dude.

Hey, buddy.

- Hey.
- Um, so.

Mom and I...
[clears throat].

We, well, we think we know why

you've been riding
Mr. Caterpillar

at the mall so much.

- Yeah.

NBD, no big whoop,

but, uh,

maybe you're just

trying to get a little look-see

at the ladies' underwear store?

- I'm sorry.
I'm so so--

- No, no, no, no, no, no.
- Oh wait, no, no, no.

You're not in trouble.

Okay?
- Whew, okay.

- And we are just, like,

cool and chill people.

- Yes!
- Super chill.

- No, you have nothing to be

ashamed about.

- Really?

- No.
- Totes.

Listen, you are just
getting to that age

where you're starting
to realize that

girls have different
bodies than boys.

Maybe you were just trying

to get a look at her...

- Bra.
- Oh, God.

My baby just said "bra."

Good, good, good,
that's what I thought,

that's what I thought.

Cool, cool, cool.
Tight, tight, tight.

- Yep.
- That's...fine.

- Tot--it's--look.

It is totally natural

to be curious.

I mean, if you think about it,

the bra...is like
the shoes of the chest.

Whereas, like, your underwear
would be the shoe of your--

- Okay, you know what I think?

I think maybe that
your dad and I

just need a quick second
to talk

and figure this out.
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

- Talk.
- Yeah, yeah.

Just a minute.
- Just us.

- Okay, that's fine.

You can circle back
with me later.

- Okay, we'll do that.

We'll just have our people
call your people.

- We'll interface later.

[hip-hop music]

- Oh. That is a good outfit.

I wouldn't mind taking that
off of you

and then doing things with you.

- Oh, thank you.
I got it at the store that

turns your son on.
- Yah! Kay.

- Oh, God.
David, what are we gonna do?

How are we gonna give
a sex talk to a kid

that thinks "Monsters, Inc."
is a scary movie?

- Yeah, okay, so it's happening

earlier than we thought
it was gonna happen.

But Louie's growing up.
That is...

kinda cool.

- My mom never even
gave me a sex talk.

She just threw a bunch of
pamphlets on my bed

from the Baptist church
telling me about

how God was watching me
masturbate.

- Hmm.

- We're not even Baptist.

You know what I'm not
gonna teach him?

Is to be ashamed.
- Right.

- Louie's gonna grow up
differently than I did.

- Mm-hmm.

So I guess it's time
for my sex talk.

Or should I say...
my sex song?

- Oh, that's on the table.
Cool.

You know what?

I can mold Louie
before society gets to him.

I'm gonna make sure we raise
a woke son.

I'm gonna take him
to work tomorrow

and I'm gonna show him
that women are smart,

creative, and more than
something to just...

put a bra on.

Okay, sweetie, remember.

Girls are capable,

creative, and have
feelings, okay?

Many of them are artists

and bosses, just like
your mama.

We are not just something
for boys to look at.

- Even her?
- Oh.

Come on, Xandra,
help a sister out.

I'm supposed to
be molding him.

Yes, even her, okay?

Sure, she is...very curvy,
but that doesn't define her.

Did you know she formulated
the antidote to a zombie virus

and is now president of

the apocalyptic transitional
government?

A democracy, I might add.
Ahem.

She is complex and capable

and deserves to be treated
with respect.

- Wow. I never knew all that.

What a lady.

- Yeah.

- Hey!
- What's up?

- Oh, go away, pig man.

You will not ruin this for me.
- Whoa, okay.

Pig man has nothing
but respect for women.

And I agree about Xandra.

Mad props to a busy lady

who finds time to
keep it tight.

Just like my mom.
- Okay.

- Women contribute a lot
to the world, Louie.

Like, when no one
wants to produce

your one-man show,

they give you five grand

because you're
their little fuzzy-face.

God, I miss my moms.

- Okay, maybe not five grand.

- So remember, lad.

Women, they aren't
our equals, okay?

They're much better.

And what do they get
to show for it, eh?

I'll tell you what.

A husband who vanishes

into the Scottish Highlands

and a son who needs
to be cleansed

of her very existence.

- Wow.

- [strumming guitar]

- Tickling the old six-string.

- Uh, noodlin' on a new jam
for Louie.

Trying to help him out.

- Sweet.

Lay it on me, Ringo.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

- All right.
[clears throat]

[guitar music]

♪ Sometimes
you get a feeling ♪

♪ Deep inside your jeans

♪ That is when your father

♪ Will come tell you
what it means ♪

♪ That's an erection

♪ That's an erection

♪ That's an erection, my son

- I can't tell if you are

a worse guitar player
or father.

[strumming guitar]

- ♪ Sometimes I get a feeling

♪ Deep inside my jeans

- Now that I've taught Louie

to be respectful to women,

the next step is
a carefully worded

birds and the bees
conversation.

You know what?

One day when you
get older, you'll

meet a girl that you like
and respect,

and you'll need to know
about the next...

big thing that Dad and I
need to tell you.

- Are you talking about
sex stuff?

'Cause I already know.

- What?

How? Who told you?

The internet?

- Um, I'm not gonna tell you

'cause it seems like
you're gonna get mad.

- Sweetie.

You can tell me anything.

I'm not gonna get mad.

- Grandma told me.

- Oh, cool, cool, cool.
Tight, tight, tight.

Hey, uh, when did Grandma
talk to you about that, Lou?

- After she caught me
looking at the underwear store.

She told me I shouldn't do that
'cause it's shameful

to look at the bra lady,
'cause she's a skank.

- What?

Okay, Louie,

no woman is a skank.

But your grandma's a [bleep].

.

- Completely inappropriate.
Over the line.

- I was so worried
about society interfering

with Louie's growing up,
I forgot about

an even more dangerous
influence:

my parents.

You had no right
to brainwash our son.

We wanted Louie to grow up
with a healthy view of sex.

But you ruined that view.

And you built a skyscraper

on a foundation of shame
and skanks.

- And you had no right
to impose your

effed up view of sex
on the kids.

That is our job.
- That's right!

- I had to say something,

the way he was leering at

that dirty mannequin
at the mall.

- Excuse me?
- What?

- Why am I in trouble?

She is the one who did this.

I wanted the boy
to learn about sex

the way that I did,

by watching two
rascally jackals

make love in a ditch.

- You know what?

Neither of you will
interfere again.

I will have my father
and son moment

and it will be beautiful,

and it will be poignant,

and it will be catchy as hell.

- Yes.

- Oh, my God,
the erection song?

- Yes.

- Louie will pray to see

those ditch jackals.

- David is right.

Anything you two
have to say about sex

is backwards and prudish.

My God, you didn't even ever

give me a sex talk!

- I had to do it.

- We'll go with that.

Mom, I don't think
I've ever even

heard you say the word "penis."

- Because...

"Penis" doesn't belong

in a woman's mouth.

- Okie dokie.

[playing guitar]

- ♪ Here's some
rules to know ♪

♪ You gotta take it slow

♪ And remember that
her breast buds ♪

♪ Aren't your new best buds

both: ♪ Till she says
yes, bud ♪

- Little pitchy.
- Okay.

both: ♪ And no means no

- Hey, what are you guy...

- ♪ Nothing is too weird
to be tried ♪

- Nothing, okay?

- ♪ In fact I am
my favorite ride ♪

♪ Sex is a
both: ♪ Beautiful buffet

- ♪ And anyone you love
is okay ♪

Sing it with me, everybody.

all: ♪ And anyone you love

- ♪ Is okay

- Love is love, babe.

Okay?

Good job.

- Take it a little darker now.

♪ Chlamydia, chlamydia

♪ Ooh, it's a pity-ya

♪ What is this chlamydia?

♪ Ooh, you got chlamydia

- David, I gotta say.

Parenting isn't that hard.

- Right?

- Yeah! The books make you
think it is,

but it isn't.
We could write a book.

- You know, I don't know
if you're kidding right now,

but that's actually brilliant.

- No, I'm serious.

I'm also just, like,
a skosh drunk.

- Mm-hmm.

- Mom, Dad?

I've been reflecting
in my room,

and I needed to double-check
a few things.

- Mm-hmm.
- Okay.

- Anyone I love is okay, right?

- Honey, never be ashamed.
- Love is love is love.

- And I can tell you
anything, right?

- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, gosh, yes.

Absolutely.
- There's nothing off-limits

in this family.
- That's right.

- Okay. I'm in love
with Georgina.

- Okay.

Georgina.
- Aw.

Georgina.
- Sounds cute.

- Congratulations.

Do we know this lucky lady
Georgina?

- Yeah, she's the underwear
lady at the mall.

Wait.

- Oh, my God.

Is he talking about

the mannequin?

Sorry, what now?

You named the mannequin?

- Oh.

You should put that

in your parenting book.

- No, not now.
Not now.

- I think I need to go
back to the mall.

I need to tell her how I feel.

I should go write
some stuff down.

I'll see you guys later.

- Oh, honey, maybe not.
- Okay.

No, we'll talk in a bit.
- Oh.

- [playing guitar]

♪ You thought
you knew it all ♪

♪ Now your son's in love
with a doll ♪

- Well-played.

.

- Don't panic, just relax.

It says here, "Some kids
go through a period

"of expressing their sexuality

"in unorthodox ways

to deal with growing up."

It's like a phase.

It's like when I was
wearing kilts.

- What? No.

That is [bleep].
This is not a phase.

We have to shame him
out of this, so

find a book that tells us
how to do that

because my parents were right.

- Hey, it says in this one

that if we play this wrong,

he could drive it underground

and then it becomes a fetish.

- No!

I do not want him to grow up

and get a doll as a girlfriend

and then we have to pretend

to have conversations with it

at Thanksgiving.

- Okay, we're not there yet.

We're not there yet.
It's Louie.

This kinda makes sense, right?

I mean, he's a sweet,
sensitive boy

somewhere in between
being a child and puberty.

Of course he's gonna find
a childlike way

of expressing his sexuality.

I was kind of that kid.
I get it.

- Oh, okay, so he gets it
from you, you perv.

- No, that's not
what I'm saying.

But I did spend one
very memorable summer

discovering myself with
the help of a Taco Bell cup

with--wait for it--

Jessica Rabbit on the side.

I squeezed that cup
till it cracked.

And then I realized what?
- I don't know.

- I had a crush on
Tova Rabinowitz,

and I was too shy
to talk to her.

I didn't want a cup
and a chalupa

and Jessica Rabbit.
I wanted Tova.

- Okay. I hear
what you're saying.

So let's drive our son

to Kenlo Heights Mall

so he can talk to a mannequin.

- Guys, that's it.
I miss my mum.

All right? I've shrunk
my favorite cardigan.

Look what happens
when I do my laundry.

I got so frustrated
I just sat outside a Denny's

revving my engine
for 45 minutes.

This has gone
too far now, okay?

We need to call
this mum cleanse off.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, okay.
No, no, no, no.

We can't give up.

- I can.

I love giving up.

It's my best thing.

I can help you.
- Yes.

- No, no, no.

Chewey, you shrunk
your cardigan,

but you did it all by yourself.

And Norman,

think of all the things
you've seen and done

without having to FaceTime
your moms.

- I went outside.

- You went...outside.

Me, I just sunk my life savings

into Mark Ruffalo's
cryptocurrency.

Yesterday, for half a second,

I was worth $4 million.

Today? Nothing.

But tomorrow, oof.
Maybe. Who knows?

The point is the mom cleanse
is working.

We're in this baby, okay?

The pig man has spoken.

- Here we go.

We're being open, accepting,
and loving to our son.

And if I see anyone I know,
I'm bolting.

- [gasps]

Where is she?
That's not her.

They killed Georgina.

- Luckily we found out

that Georgina hadn't gone far.

Well, she couldn't go far.

She's a doll.

And, much like David's
Taco Bell cup,

she'd seen better days.

- Mom.
- Yeah.

- Dad?
- Yeah.

- A little privacy, please.

- Oh, yep. Sure, bud.
- Yep. Sure.

- He said casually
as his son declared

his love for something
that doesn't blink.

- "Georgina, my love,

"I loved you from afar.

I think you were
watching me too."

- God, it was so much easier

back when we just had to
get him to take a shower.

- Right? I mean, two bucks
and a marshmallow,

he's in the shower.
- I know.

Pretty soon when he
takes a shower,

it's gonna be weird
and something else.

- And we don't give
marshmallows for that.

- No.
No.

I mean, I'm always proud

when our kids hit
a milestone, but...

This feels like we're saying
good-bye to something.

He's not our baby anymore.

- I know.

- [laughs]

- That's a rat. We should go.
- Oh, no.

Come on this way.

- Come on.
-You don't need to know why.

Get away from the dumpster.
- It's not about Georgina.

It's a separate dumpster thing.

- Oh, that's a big rat.

- How you doing, bud?

- I'm fine.
From far away,

Georgina seemed really real.

But up close,
she has dead eyes.

Yeah, I think I'm gonna
have a nightmare.

- Hey, honey?

We're so glad that you
talked to Georgina.

But is there maybe
a girl at school

you want to talk to?

- Yeah. Tasha.

But...she makes me nervous.

Sometimes she says hi,

but I don't know what to say,

so I run to the bathroom.

- Oh, yeah.

The old run into
the bathroom trick.

That must be genetic.

You know what,
that's what I used to do.

- See? Now this is the sweet

rite-of-passage moment
I hoped for

when I held little
newborn Louie.

Oh, God, is that rat
following us?

Okay, I'm gonna run away.

Go. Go.
Move, move, move.

- So. How was the love fest

with the dummy?

Are you going to meet
her parents?

- It's fine, Mom.

Louie's in love with Tasha now.

- Now what's Tasha?
A pool floatie?

Parenting isn't so easy, is it?

- No.

It's just I make
these choices every day,

and I never know
if they're gonna be right,

until the kids grow up
and are mad at me.

- Like you're mad at me

for not giving you
some big sex talk.

But...
today is your lucky day.

I'm giving it to you now.

- All right.
Let's hear it.

- When a man and a woman
love each other,

they take off their clothes

and they create

an ungrateful child

who will never let them forget

any of their mistakes.

[smooth music]

- There she is.

♪

It's bittersweet watching
your kid grow up.

But at some point

you just have to let go.

- Well, well, well.

So you're the reason Griffy-poo

wants to manage his own money.

Only Mommy makes money moves.

- Uh.

- I thought that Tristram
was dead.

- Who?

- Chewey.

He didn't show up
for his mummy cuddle time.

- Are you the one
that told our Norman

not to call his mamas?

I'm a pacifist.

But no baby boy, no peace.

I will tear your ass up.

- Moms!

- Oh! Baby!

- I'll just go!

- [squeals]

- Thank you--

- What are you doing here?

- You didn't miss us
enough to call.

- Oh! You're so strong!

- Chewey.

Your mom is hot.
Oh, man.

- I missed you.
- Wow.

This answers so many questions

I had about them.