All language subtitles for Top.Gear.US.S02E09.HDTV.XviD-MOMENTUM-HI

Now on Top Gear

we've got a long way to go

and a short time to get there

as we hit the open road
in 18-wheelers...

All right.
That's a tanker truck.

...And find out just
how dangerous it can be...

...to drive big rigs.

[ Tires screech ]

[ Engines rev ]

[ Tires screech ]

[ horn blares ]

Big rigs...

They cover 150 billion miles
on our highways annually

and carry 70%
of all freight in America.

They're complicated,
difficult to drive,

and extremely dangerous.

Our challenge was to learn
how to operate them

in just 24 hours

and then drive these
10-ton beasts on the open road.

So we hit the eaton automotive
proving grounds in Michigan

to learn how to be truckers.

Now we're talking.
[ Laughs ]

We got big rigs.
Look at that!

These are the ultimate toys.

Yours is like
a big purple pickle, though.

Yours is like an eggplant.

It's a Volvo.
Oh, man.

That is a good-looking
Peter you got there.

That's so creepy with your accent.

- It's a Peterbilt.
- Don't say that.

Look at this thing.
God, this is the...

This is the real deal right here.

My big rig
was a 1989 Peterbilt 379.

With its classic box shape,

this could be your rolling
office on the highway.

Much cooler than Adam and Rut's
Swedish semis.

I grew up in a Volvo wagon
that my parents had,

but it was nothing
like this Volvo.

Wood: Adam and I
both had Volvos.

They were sleepers,
so they had a bed in the cab,

and these babies were built

to hold enough diesel
to fill a hot tub.

Adam was definitely
gonna kill himself.

You know what's in my wheel well?
A Toyota.

Four air horns.

They finally found a Volvo
that can fit your head.

Well, that's not very nice, is it?

So, what are we doing with them?

I think we're gonna have some fun today.
All right.

"Big-rig drivers have to be some
of the best drivers on the road

"to control up to 80,000 pounds

"of steel and freight
at high speed.

"Your first challenge
is to drive 100 yards,

"then back up into the same
parking space you started in.

First to back into
their space wins."

You guys ever driven
a big rig before?

- No.
- Yeah. I drive them...

I have two of these in New York.

- You have?
- Yeah.

My buddy lunchbox let me drive
his in a parking lot once.

Hold it. Back up.
What?

Yeah, my friend Lunchbox.
Truckers all have funny names.

Like, I've got a friend named
Squirrel that's a truck driver.

Stump, his wife, Stumpette,
Big Mike.

All right.
So what's your trucker name?

I like...
How about "Big Country"?

How about "Big Girl"?
You're the big girl.

No. The Bearded Lady.
That's you.

That's not... yeah.
You're the Bearded Lady.

I wouldn't call myself
the Bearded Lady.

I'm gonna call you the Bearded Lady.
What's yours gonna be?

I don't know.
Mother trucker.

Mother trucker. Nice.

What are we gonna call him?
Hmm.

How about tiny dancer?

[ Laughing ] Tiny dancer!

You like it?
No.

[ Both laugh ]

Tiny dancer's good.

Are you ready to drive?
Yeah.

Okay. Let's do it.
Let's go.

Wow. This is insane.

There's like
a hundred switches.

This thing's
bigger than my apartment.

What does all this stuff do?

I don't know if Adam will know
to take the parking brake off,

because it's an air brake.

I have this.
[ Horn honks ]

And that's assuming
he can get it into gear.

Tanner, I think,

probably will figure out
how to get it into gear,

but he might start in first.

And since
I don't have a trailer,

I'm gonna start
in third or fourth.

First gear is kind of
in the middle and up.

Is that reverse?

Where the [Bleep] Is reverse?

I'll be honest. I don't think
I'm gonna win this.

I've had
no big-truck experience.

Rutledge is probably
gonna do well

because he can drive
this stuff.

I'm pretty sure
he took a semi to the prom.

And he dated a man
named lunchbox.

Lunchbox, squirrel,
I'm gonna try to make you proud.

All right,
mother trucker, tiny dancer,

you got your ears on out there?

Come on.

Come back, Bearded Lady.

Tiny dancer, you out there?
Hold me closer.

[ Laughs ]

Yeah, yeah.

Here we go. In 3, 2, 1.

[ Engines turn over ]

All right. She's fired up.
I got to take the air brake off.

Parking brake off.

That is not the parking brake.
That's the window.

Put it in third gear.

Come on, get...
Get in there.

And then take off.
Oh, there she goes.

No! Rut!

There it is! Yeah!

[ Engine revs ]

Ha ha!

Adam is leaving, too!

Wow! You got to shift
every two seconds.

I'm not letting that happen.

And we're off.

I'm gonna go to reverse.
I'm gonna go to high.

Ooh! Oh! I stalled it.

Me on, come on,
come on, come on. [ Laughs ]

Oh, we're flying now.
18 Miles an hour.

Oh, man.
I'm gonna hit Tanner's truck!

Oh! Look at how close
that was!

Air brakes! Air brakes!

Uh-oh. All right.
Reverse.

Wood:
It felt good to be winning,

but it felt even better
to see Tanner

having a hard time
driving something for once.

Get in there.

Come on, you silly son of a...
Get in there.

It's now the slowest race
in history with Adam.

Get on your side of the road!

Getting this in there. Oh, yeah.
Look at that precision!

[ Horn honks ]

[ Laughs ]

I cannot believe
that Rutledge won that.

And...We're there.

Oh, this is a big truck.

Oh, come on. You're coming
straight at me, Adam.

Shut up!

Adam! Adam! Adam! Adam!
[ Horn honks ]

Can you see this?

[ Laughs ]
That's a trucker signal.

I've seen that before
on the interstate.

I think it means
"you're number one."

[ Horn honks ]

Victory is mine.
I love it. I love it.

That was harder than I thought.

I mean, the gears are just...
Shift... shift... shift.

It took forever to get it...

It was like grinding,
and the air brake.

How did you find
the parking brake in yours?

It's a big, yellow thing
that says, "parking brake."

It's true.
Did y'all both start in first?

It's called "first,"
but it's not low.

What did you start in?

I started in third
and then went to fourth,

'cause, see,
when you're bobtailing...

That's when you don't have
the trailer... bobtaililng.

I wish you'd stop saying terms

that I don't know
what they mean... bobtailing?

Bobtailing. That's when you
don't have a trailer on there.

It was great being better
than Tanner at something,

and I was looking forward
to whupping him again

in the next challenge,

where our trucks would be
attached to a 10-ton trailer

and parked on an incline.

"A trailer changes

"the weight, handling,
and braking of a big rig.

"To prove that you can control
a truck with a trailer attached,

"you will now complete
a loaded hill start.

"Your truck is parked
on a 15% grade,

"and your goal
is to move forwards

"without rolling backwards.

The least rollback wins."

[ Whistles ] I thought
this was gonna be a challenge.

Oh, you're gonna do this?

Yeah. It's not challenging.
It's just a hill.

Yeah, but, I mean,
if you roll back,

I mean, what's the big deal?

Then you just go. It's like
there's nothing at stake there.

Right. Seems like you should crush
something, like your watch.

Yeah.
Put your watch back there.

This is a gift from my wife.

I'm not gonna put my watch
back there.

Yours is more expensive
than mine,

but I'll put mine
back there, too.

Adam will put his swatch
back there.

Okay. Fine. I'll put my watch,
but, you know what?

Let's up the ante. Why don't you
put your phone back there?

Put your phone back there.
Mm-hmm.

I've got a... I use my phone
for work every day.

By "work," he means calling
thousands of women, and, yes.

That's work.
I beg to differ.

Put your phone back there.
All right. Fine.

Watches, phones,
and I will offer my glasses.

Watches, phones, and glasses.

Your $10 sunglasses
you're gonna offer up.

Well, I don't have sunglasses.

I'll raise you $15 sunglasses.
You have those.

I can't see without these.
You understand that.

Well, all you got to do
is just go straight.

You'll be fine.
Give them up.

You know what?
I'm so confident

that I'm gonna watch you
guys crush your own stuff.

You're not gonna see anything.

I'm happy to do it.
Like doing it blindfolded.

Oh, my God.

Truck's that way.
Towards the big purple blob.

Watch it, Adam.

I'm Tanner.
I'm Tanner.

Wow. Take those off
before it goes permanent.

This is... he's frigging blind.
Put those on.

Let's go. No. I'm not putting those on.
Put them on.

[ Beeping ]

Can't see if my brakes
are built up yet.

His wife is gonna be [Bleep]
Yeah.

I'm going over that hill,

and I'm not driving over
my own stuff.

Oh, yeah.
He's cocky, all right.

And he's blind.

All right.
You ready, Bearded Lady?

I am ready.

Roll 'em.

[ Engine revs ]

Come on back.
Come on back.

Come on.

Here we go.
I can do it.

I don't think I heard
the parking brake go off.

We're gonna be able to tell
if he's cheating.

All right.

[ Parking brake disengages ]

There's the parking brake.
It's off.

Come on. Into first.

[ Brake hisses ]

Now he just set
the parking brake.

Oh!

Oh, I did it!

Nope. He cheated.

That's it! I did it!
But I can't see, but I did it!

No good! Do it again.
You cheated.

What are you talking about?
I didn't cheat.

We heard the parking brake
release right before you left.

That wasn't the parking brake.
That's the air brakes.

I didn't cheat.

Bring me my glasses!
I can't see anything!

That's gonna be tough to beat.
He didn't move at all.

Why did you guys doubt for
a second that I could do this?

Foust:
If Rutledge could do it

essentially
with his eyes closed,

well, how hard could it be?
[ Neck cracks ]

Okay.
Oh, let's scroll through.

Oh, my God.

Look how many names there are.

Tabitha? Wow.

Ooh.
That sounds exotic.

There's a Jessica, a Sheila.

Bruce?

Sad as it sounds, if I lose
that phone, I am screwed.

I cannot roll back at all.

And phone.

Phone.

All right, you guys are
doing the right distances

on all my stuff, right?

Yep.

Oh, you're gonna...
You're not.

[ Gasps ]

This is a tough one to draw
in the most complicated truck.

You ready, tiny dancer?

[ Gears grind ] Ohh!

Crush that phone. Crush that phone.
Crush that phone.

Crush it, crush it, crush it!

Go! Go! Go!
Go! Go!

[ High-pitched hissing ]

Wood:
What is it? A train?

Letting the clutch out.

There he goes.
There he goes.

I think I'm on the
slipping point right now.

And...

Oh! Oh!
Oh!

[ Laughs ]

That thing
just left the ground.

It just went "whomp!"

Oh, my gosh.
[ Laughing ] That was dangerous.

We're heading up.
We're heading up.

How's my phone?
How's my phone?

How's...
How's my phone?

Hold on. Hold on.
You got to make it look real.

How's my phone?

There.
That's good. That's good.

Come back, mother trucker.
How's my phone?

We shouldn't have done that.
We shouldn't have done that.

Look, the only thing...
No one's gonna...

There's no evidence
except for your footprint.

Oh, no. Don't. Don't.

If you sell me out...
That was your idea, not mine.

All right. We can't
sell each other out, right?

[ Spits ]

That's gross.
Come on.

That's gross.
Shake my hand.

I'm not gonna do it.
That's nasty.

It's either that
or a blood oath.

[ Laughs ] Shake my hand.

[ Spits ]

Oh, gross.

Oh, God! It's so gross!
It's so gross!

Man.

Why is my phone
on this side?

You just clipped it.
You just clipped it.

You backed that up, right?

It's just clipped.
That's all.

No phone.
I am screwed.

You're gonna break it.

You know, it might have worked
till you did that.

Good thing I got
my $10 sunglasses, though.

I don't even want them.

I was only... I only cared about
the phone, and you stuck it...

[ Laughing ] So sorry.

I'm really sorry, man!

You know,
if you hadn't rolled back,

you'd still have a phone.

[ Laughs ]

I don't know
why you're blaming us.

Hey, you forgot your watch!

No!

[ Laughs ]

12-year-olds.

Aw.
You still have to go.

Oh, yeah.
Mm-hmm.

Foust:
Adam attacks the hill.

Uh-oh!

Oh [Bleep]

Brake! Brake!

[ Applause ]

I can't believe you crushed my
cellphone with a walkie-talkie.

Don't look at me.

I didn't have anything
to do with that.

Ferrara: "I didn't have
anything to do with it"?

Whose footprint was on there?

[ Laughter ]

"Oh, let me make this look
more realistic."

We had an oath.

[ Laughter ] And you broke it.

Whatever.
You're up next, right?

Yeah.
I've seen you with four wheels.

I cannot wait to see
what you do with 18.

Your cellphone is going down.

[ Laughter ]

Oh, really?
I think that's fair.

In fact, the watch, I think,

probably should be
more like...That.

Oh, wow.

This makes me think you're still
upset about your phone.

What's done is done.
Now it's time for revenge.

Okay.
It's out of my hands, all right?

Washing my hands of this.

I'm gonna start off parking
brake off, foot on the brake,

clutch in, in gear,

release the clutch,
feel the clutch bite,

get off the brake, onto the gas,
and hopefully I don't roll back.

I don't think it's gonna happen.
I'm gonna give it my best shot.

Hey, uh, mother trucker.
You got your ears on?

Yes, I do, Bearded Lady.

Did you put my stuff
in the right order?

Yeah. Absolutely.

Why don't I believe you?

I have no response to that.

Yeah. Yeah.
How do you answer that?

You're breaking up.

All right.
Let's do this.

Start her up.

[ Engine turns over ]

Build up the pressure.

[ Clicking ]

In gear.

[ Brake hisses ]

Parking brake...Off.

All right.
Here it comes.

See if I can heel-toe
a little bit.

Grab, clutch, grab, clutch,
grab, clutch.

See, he's holding the boot.

[ Engine stops ]
That's not good.

That was so awesome!

Oh, my God.

Hey, fellas.
I figured it out.

[ Brake hisses ]

Silly me.
I left the trailer brake on.

Come on, baby.

Bite, clutch. Bite, clutch.
Bite, clutch.

[ Hissing ]

[ Crunch ]

Ohh!
[ Laughs ]

Ohh!

Yes! Yes!

Oh, the phone!
Yes!

[ Gears grind ]

Ooh!

Uh-oh.

Popped out of gear.

Oh [Bleep] [Bleep]
Brake! Brake!

[ Brake hisses ]

[ Sighs ]

Brake's on.

You okay in there?

Yeah.
I, uh... I'll be right out.

Are the parking brakes, like,
pulled out right now?

Yeah, brakes are on.

Yeah. Good call.

[ Sighs ]

Good lord, Adam.

Oh, man.

What happened?

I wouldn't worry about
your glasses and your watch.

You almost killed us.

You're fine.
Wh...

What?
What happened?

You left the ground,

and then you came back
towards us violently.

Two things happened.

Trailer brake...Was on.

Ooh. Yeah.
Forgot to do that.

And it popped out of gear
a little bit,

but other than that...

So, you rolled back
and crushed your phone.

Yeah.

You rolled back and crushed
all of your things.

Yeah.

And I didn't roll back at all.

Okay.

All right.

Sorry.
I don't believe you.

I think this
is where I celebrate, right?

Go ahead. Hold on.
Let me check my watch.

Wait. Let me check my phone.
Let me see what ti...

Yep! Celebration!

I was getting sick
of Rutledge winning

and was determined to take him
down in our next challenge.

We were going to race three
laps around an oval design

to simulate a two-Lane highway.

You guys saw me driving
earlier, right?

You get out of the hole
pretty... you're a mad man.

Thank you.
Obviously, this is my calling.

All right.

I wasn't sure how
wheel-to-wheel big-rig racing

would prepare us
for delivering cargo,

but I certainly
was ready to see

how fast my Peterbilt would go.

All right.
In 3, 2, 1.

Go!

[ Gear grinds ] Get in there, baby.
Let's go.

Oh, no!

This is huge.

[ Laughing ] Come on!

[ Engine revs ]

Wood: Hello!

[ Laughing ]
Oh, don't hit the wall.

Don't hit the wall!

Oh, this is cool and scary.

The Bearded Lady
took an early lead,

but I was picking up speed.

Where are you, Bearded Lady?!
I'm coming to get your ass.

This is where this truck shines.
We've got some speed going.

That's what she's all about.

There's Adam.
I got him in my sights.

Coming to get you,
mother trucker.

Come on, tiny dancer.
See if you can catch me!

[ Horn blares ]

Oh [Bleep] It.

Ferrara: I was doing 65 miles
an hour when tanner passed me.

All right.

He was possessed.

[ Laughs ]

With only a half a lap left
before the finish,

there was no way I was gonna
let the Bearded Lady beat me.

Where are you, Bearded Lady?

You'll never take me alive.

Come on.
Just hold him off.

Oh, man.
He is... oh, he's back there.

Oh, no! Oh!

Oh, no!

Yee-haw!
That's what I'm talking about!

Peterbilt!

[ Horn blares ]

[ Horn blares ]

Okay.

Peterbilt! That's what I'm
talking about right there.

How fast do you think
you were going?

My speedometer maxes out at 80,

and I was pegged way past that.

Probably mid-90s,
low-90s.

I cannot believe
the speed of this thing.

What we've measured thus far...

I won in skill
and you've won in speed.

One of those seems a little
more important, doesn't it?

What's next?

We had learned all the skills

necessary to be
full-blown truckers.

We could get them
to make noise...

[ Horn honks ]
...Drive in reverse...

I'm gonna hit Tanner's truck!

...Use hand gestures...
Can you see this?

...And jump.

We could do almost anything.

Wood: Brake! Brake!

And with less than an hour
behind the wheel,

it was time
for our final challenge.

We had to deliver precious
cargo to a depot 40 Miles away.

The person that arrived

with the least amount
of damaged cargo would win.

We've driven, like, a
total of 30 yards. Yeah.

And now we're gonna go 40 Miles
on a public road.

Well, mean, I feel confident
that I'm ready.

I'm just concerned
about you guys.

What's in these, do you think?

Let's take a look.

- This one's yours, right?
- Yep.

You have bowling balls,
pianos, and paint.

Is the paint open?

The lids are off the paint.

That's a good color.

The lids are...

Hey, hey! Hey, hey! Hey!
Knock it off!

You're gonna be fine
as long as you don't brake.

Yeah, as long as you don't...

As long as you don't brake,
you'll be fine.

If you don't brake or turn,
this is perfect.

You've got it.

Let's go look in mine.

I could do that, no problem.

[ Foust sighs ]

[ Wood laughs ]

Look at that.
It's the last supper.

It's like college.
Is that ramen?

Raviolis and wine.

But the knives go on the inside.
Who set this? My gosh.

A little OCD, are we?

Yeah.
What have you got?

That's what I want to know,
Rutledge.

Wood:
Let's go see.

Foust: Yours has a sticker
on it. What does that mean?

Y'all's didn't have that.

Oh!

[ Laughs ] Oh, nice!

That's lit!

I'm out of here.
I have lit barbecues...

That's a lit barbecue!
...And fireworks.

Those are awesome fireworks.
I just want to point out

the imminent danger
that lies within my truck.

It's an open flame.

You're dead.
Yeah.

Let's close the door here.

I feel like we're
getting oxygen to the flame.

God, that's a bad idea.

Here goes nothing.

Oh. Perfect.
How much training do you have?

45 minutes. Yeah.
This should be real good.

Rutledge,
are you praying right now?

Tiny dancer, I said my prayers.
I'm ready for this.

What about you, mother trucker?

You lead the way, tiny dancer.

Just follow optimus prime.

[ Brakes hiss ] Gently, gently.

Think about the Merlot.
Think about the Merlot.

Nice and easy.

All right. Easy.
Easy.

There it is.

[ Fire crackles ]

Come on.

[ Gears grinding ]

E?
We're starting already.

Foust: We hadn't even left
the proving grounds

before we hit
our first obstacle.

Uh-oh.

Speed bumps.

A little bit of a bump there.

Wow.

Wow, is this thing heavy!

This is not good.

Ferrara:
We hit the open road...

Oh, there's a car.

...And everything else
that gets in our way.

Welcome back to top gear,
where we're about to do

one of the most dangerous
things we've ever done...

Drive one of these on the open
road with a 10-ton trailer.

I don't know
what you're worried about.

Weren't you birthed in the back
of one of these things?

[ Laughter ] No.

And it wasn't filled
with explosives, either.

I'm basically
driving a mobile bomb.

[ Laughing ]
This is gonna be good.

I think the key is, like,
to have no throttle whatsoever.

And the trailer
is so far back there.

The mirrors are almost useless.

Wood:
Boy, this thing's big.

I've driven a lot of dualies,
but this thing, she's wide.

Watch that fence getting
near there, mother trucker.

Uh-oh.

Thank you.

Come on, now.

These people have no idea

the danger that they're in
right now.

Just hold that gate open
for me.

Here it goes.

All right.

I can't tell if we're
on the road or on the grass

right there,
to be honest with you.

Wow. I made that turn so wide,
and it was barely on the road.

That is snug.

Oh, there's a car.
Oh, good.

Did you just drive that car onto
the grass there, Bearded Lady?

Come on.
[Bleep] It.

Whoa. Oh, boy.

Thank you.

[ Laughing ]
Oh. I am on the streets.

I am driving a semitruck
on public roads.

Oh, this is not good at all.

[ Sighs ] Here it goes.

This is one
of the dumbest things

we have ever done on this show.

I'm just gonna say that
right now.

We are moving. Oh [Bleep]
I am cutting some trees off.

High, low.

Switch.

[ Laughs ] I got it!

I don't know about you guys,
but I got about an hour

before I need to get this load

to big Ines and little Ines
to collect my paycheck.

Give me $500 on the bandit.

Daddy, it's too heavy when
it's got the bullets in it.

This is sheriff
buford t. Justice.

Okay.
Good news and bad news, guys.

Good news is it looks like we're
all still on the road...Somehow.

Bad news is we're entering
city limits of Marshall.

[ Laughing ] I thought
I gave it so much room,

and I still drove
right over the curb.

Tell me we are not coming up
to a roundabout right now.

I had no idea how much
planning ahead and focus

and concentration
there would be.

All right.

You're kidding.
Really? Really?

Really?! Really?!

Yes, you!
Yeah, I'm looking at you!

You in the Pontiac!

Did that sign back there
say 94 east, Rut?

That's a 10-4,
tiny dancer.

Are we heading east or west?

Adam, I've caught back up
to you. Keep going.

Keep going west or east?

You got to circle around.

I'm right behind you.
Keep going. Keep going.

Oh, these guys.

You know a circle
just goes around.

Don't be afraid of it.

[ Discordant notes ]

You said to go around.
You want 94 east or west?

West. Follow the big
[Bleep] Box.

Oh, shut the [Bleep] Up.

[ Laughs ]

Tanner
couldn't find the freeway,

so he decided to lead us
to the middle of town.

This is getting tight in here.

Hey, guys.

I think we were supposed to take
a right back there.

Hold on.
We can turn right up here.

[ Glass shatters ]

Oh, that's not good.

[Bleep] It.
Coming back.

I wouldn't move up more.
That's good there.

You are on a car.

Foust: Coming up, Rutledge
delivers his cargo early.

[ Laughing ]
Oh, this is not good.

And Ed Burns races around
the "top gear" test track.

I forgot the [Bleep] Brake.
[Bleep]

♪

Almost 15% of Americans
work in trucking-related jobs,

but what does it take

to operate one of these
massive machines?

We were finding out.

This is insane.
There's like a hundred switches.

So far,
Rutledge won the drag race...

There it is! Yeah!

...And the hill challenge.

Oh, I did it!

Yep! Celebration!

And I took the high-speed race.

Yee-haw!
That's what I'm talking about!

Peterbilt!

[ Horns blares ]

But it all came down
to this final challenge...

Hauling cargo
40 miles on the open road.

And I didn't
have the best start.

[ Glass shatters ]

[ Horn honks ]

Let's get out of this little town.

We made our way out of town
and into more trouble.

I am merging onto an interstate
in a big rig for the first time.

We've got trucks.
We've got cars.

We got full throttle.

Oh [Bleep] Oh, wide!
Wide on the outside!

Oh, geez.

This is not good at all.

Hit the gas!
Go, go, go, go, go!

If you pull out in front of
a big rig, hit the [Bleep] Gas!

Oh, gosh.
I've got trucker rage. I get it.

[ Sighs ]

That just
took everything out of me.

We are officially
on the freeway. Building speed.

I can't believe
I'm on the interstate.

Holy [Bleep] This is dangerous.

Oh [Bleep]

Don't hit those cars.
Don't hit those cars.

Don't you even.

That's right.
Don't you even.

Oh [Bleep]

Come on. Get in there.
Get in there.

[ Gear grinding ]

Good God.

[ Laughing ] Oh.
Oh, that looked so close.

Okay. All right.
That's a tanker truck.

How close was I to that bridge?

Pretty close, but there's a
tanker truck right next to you.

Highly flammable.
Heads up.

Copy that.

Bearded Lady, you're on fire.

You haven't driven
a big rig before?

I have not. No.

It's terrifying.
I'm sure.

Ladies and gentlemen,
now it's time

for something we like to call
"big star, small car."

And our big star today

has written, directed,
and starred

in one of my favorite movies,
"The Brothers Mcmullen."

You've seen him
in "Saving Private Ryan,"

and look for his new film,
"Newlyweds."

My pleasure to introduce to you
Mr. Ed Burns.

Nice to see you, pal.
Thanks for being here.

How do you feel?
You ready for this?

You know, I've never
been on a track before,

so we'll see
how I do out there.

Okay. Why don't you jump in
this front-wheel drive animal?

And see if you can tame
the beast.

All right.
We'll see what I do.

Ferrara: Okay, the fastest
celebrity lap on our board

is Arlene Tur with a 142.4.

Let's see if Ed
can beat her time.

Okay. Stay wide.
Maintain your speed.

Yes, that's what you need to do
into the first turn,

and...Not bad.

Very good.
Into the chicane.

Throwing up a little chalk.
[ Tires screech ]

Okay.

All right. This is the turn.
Come on.

[ Tires screech ]
Heading into the teardrop.

Screaming the whole way.

Stay on that brake.
Downshift. Come on, now.

Not too good.

Don't put the power down
too early.

[ Tires screech ]

He's fighting the car
the whole way.

I got too aggressive
on that one.

All right, here's where
he can make up some time.

He's at the halfway point,

and Ed is in 8th place,
right behind Ty Burrell.

All right, he's coming into
cameraman's curve.

Brake and downshift.

[ Tires screech ]

Whoa! Back end
comes out a little bit.

Oh, I forgot the [Bleep] Brake.

Made a little bit of recovery.
All right. That's it.

Brake before the turn.
Release through.

Hammer down now.
Come on, my friend.

And across the line.

Whoo!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Ladies and gentlemen, Ed Burns!
Come on up, Ed.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Good to see you, pal.
What's up, man?

How did it go? Good?
Oh, good. Good.

How'd it go?
Did you have fun?

I had a blast.

I'm a little disappointed
in my performance.

Why?

I kept making the same mistake
every time we did it.

So, I think stig was
a little frustrated with it.

Where was it? On the turn?
Straight?

Yeah, no.
It was on the turn.

What I was doing is I was good,

I was hitting the brake
going into the turn,

and when it was on the three turns

where you had to downshift
into second gear,

I kept my foot on the clutch.

I forgot to keep my foot on the brake.

So a couple times
coming out of it, I just...

Two turns specifically.
The teardrop turn. Yeah.

I kept coming a little wide on that,

and then just trying to get
up that hill in second gear

screwed it up every time.

Okay. Well, we'll see how you
did a little bit later, but...

You grew up on long island, as I did.

And we have the same
kind of taste in cars...

The muscle cars.

And we were talking before about,

those were the cars we saw.

I mean, in our neighborhood,
what we would do

is we'd get on our bikes
and ride around

to just check out the cars

that were in the neighborhood,
you know?

There was a guy on my street
who had a Chevelle super sport,

so we were always
checking that out.

There was a '69 camaro
on Orleans road.

There was a
'57 t-bird on Wilson road.

There was another guy
with a total [Bleep] Challenger

on the other side
of the tracks.

So it was just, you know, you
knew where the cool cars were.

So, you know, drive around
and take a look at them,

and then, when I finally
made some money

after "Brothers Mcmullen,"

the first thing
I went out to buy...

A buddy, Matty DiLeo,
who's a gearhead, mechanic,

got his own shop in Jersey.

And I said, "let's
go find a ride."

And what car did you get?

You know, I just want
an old muscle car,

so we're looking at GTOs,
we're looking at 442s

and we go to this lot,
and we ask the guy...

You know, he's selling cars
on consignment.

And he doesn't have anything,
but he says,

"you know, there's
an old cutlass in the back.

Go take a look at it."

It was under a tarp.

My buddy pops the
hood, he looks at it,

he slams the hood down, and he goes,

"let's walk back into the office,

"offer this guy $9,000 right now.

You got to get this
car off the lot."

'Cause of
what's under the hood?

Because there was a 454
under the hood in perfect shape.

The car had no mileage on it.
Right.

So we went, got nine grand,

gave it to him,
drove that thing off.

I mean, the minute
we pulled out of the lot,

that thing was just a beast.

So, how'd you like the suzuki?

Uh, you know, it's funny.

I mean,
it's a lot of fun to drive.

I'm curious to see
how I sized up

against some of the names
up there.

Where do you think you came?

I had a couple of laps where I
thought I was doing pretty good

and would have had
a quality time,

and one in particular,

I came into that last turn
too hot, and I blew it.

So, you know, um...

I bet you I'm a 1:48-1:50 zone,
I think.

Okay, so, that would put you...

You're thinking you're somewhere
around in this vicinity.

Yeah, I think so.

Above chumlee vicinity?
Sadly.

Look, if you need to be above...
Above Chumlee's pretty good.

Is that all right? All right.
Good. Good. I'll take it.

I, for one, would not
want to be below Chumlee.

[ Laughter ]

So, you guys want to see
where he came?

[ Cheers and applause ]

All right.

You did it in a 1:46.7.

1:46.7.
That's not bad.

Ladies and gentlemen, Ed Burns.

That's not bad.
It's respectable.

As long as you had fun.

Foust: Coming up, we make the final
push to deliver our cargo.

[ Glass shatters ]

But will any of us
make it there alive?

Bearded Lady, you're on fire.

There are 2 and a half million
big rigs in us roads

oh [Bleep]

Rut, Adam, and I
were finding out

that an afternoon of driver
training was just not enough.

Rut had won the drag-race
and hill challenge,

and I'd crushed
the high-speed test.

But now
it was all down to this...

Who could deliver their cargo

without completely
destroying it?

[ Glass shatters ]

So far, it was a toss-up.

Bearded Lady, you're on fire.

I'm on fire?

[ Laughs ]

Tiny dancer,
I'm gonna have to pull off here

and check on this
burning inferno here.

All right. Rut on fire.
This I got to see.

Usually it's Adam on fire,

but Rut, master truck driver,
on fire.

I've been waiting all day
for this.

Ohh!

Oh!
[ "Star-spangled banner" plays ]

Yeah!

Yeah! [ Laughs ]

You got to be kidding me!

[ Laughs ]

It's still going!
Those are good fireworks!

Oh, this is not good!

You've got to be kidding me.

Sweet [Bleep] It's on fire.
Oh, it's on fire.

Yeah. You're gonna burn down
a corn field.

Go! Go! Go!

Look at that!
Rut, it's down there!

Rut, put the field out!

[Bleep]

Good show, Rut.
That was quality stuff.

That was...
Those were good fireworks.

Still going.

Still going!
This is the finale!

Yes!

Holy [Bleep]

[ Siren wails ]

Yes! America!

America!

America!

That escalated quickly.

That was awesome.
That was fun.

I think I may not win
this challenge.

[ Laughs ] I am so happy.

Boy, that grass went
up fast, didn't it?

Dry out here.

Let's get out of here.

Convoy it is.
You take that.

After Rutledge's
patriotic tribute,

we were only minutes
from our drop-off point.

[ Horn honks ]

Come on, fireworks.
Just save me a little.

Please don't all be on fire.

Ferrara:
You can do this.

I can't do this.
Get in there.

[ Gears grinding ]

It should be just across
the train tracks.

You better be careful
going over those.

Let's do this.

[ Glass shattering ]

Oh. Oh.
Careful. Careful.

No trains. No trains.
No trains.

That's it, baby.
That's it.

You're a graceful big girl,
aren't you?

Yes, you are.

Easy. Last turn.

Ferrara: After 40 miles
of white knuckles and carnage,

we've finally arrived
at our drop-off point.

Oh, look at that.

[ Brakes hiss ]

We made it.
Hot [Bleep] We made it!

I don't see any wine dripping.

Well done, big girl.
That's a good sign.

You're not smoking.
We made it.

All right.
Least damaged cargo.

Let's see who's got it.
Least damaged cargo.

Open it up.
Step back.

Okay.

Are we eating out tonight?
Come on.

No, we're dining in, gentlemen.

It moved a little bit.

[ Laughter ]

A little?
This is still set up.

It moved a little bit?

Are you hungry?
I'm hungry.

I'm gonna go
have a little bite.

Yeah.

I thought
it was gonna be a mess.

It's still standing.
I don't understand that.

Would you like some spaghetti?

Spaghetti would be fine.

Here you go.
Coming at you.

Really?
[ Bowl shatters ]

That counts.
You broke it. My bad.

That's total bull [Bleep]

Let's check out Rut's.
No, no.

Let's look at mine first,

'cause if he's on fire,
I'm getting out of here.

Fair enough.

It's not gonna be
on fire again.

Okay. So, you had bowling
balls, pianos, and paint.

Yeah. Okay.

Foust: Wow.

Wood: There is a bowling ball,
and I see paint.

[ Laughing ]
That is impressive.

This is really potent.

Ohh.
Burns the nostrils.

It's actually beautiful.

It's like a Jackson pollock.
Look at these things.

That is amazing.
Everything is destroyed.

No, it's not. Look.
The shelves are standing.

You got to close it.
I'm gonna throw up.

All right.
It's so bad.

Let's close it just in
the interest of public safety.

That's got to be toxic.

It was time to see
what was left

of Rutledge's
grills and fireworks.

Does anyone smell
anything burning?

That's warm.
I tell you what.

We're gonna be over here.
Yeah.

Open her on up.
Wood: Okay.

[ Firework explodes ] Oh!

[ Laughter ]

Pretty sure I lost.

Yep. I lost.

[ Cheers and applause ]

And that settles it.
Victory for me.

Yeah.
You're the winner.

Let me get a box
so you can stand on it

and the people can see you
and your little victory dance.

I'm not that short.

How do you think you won,
all right?

The back of your trailer
looked like

an assassination attempt
in a dining room, okay?

I delivered my cargo
and turned it into art.

It was worth more
when I dropped it off

than it was
when I picked it up.

And I had fireworks.
Everyone loves fireworks.

Dude, you're lucky to have
survived that, by the way.

That was very dangerous,
but I won the final challenge.

The whole point
was to finish the challenge

with the most intact cargo.

You hit a car!

[ Laughter ]

It was a new yorker.
Not really a car.

[ Laughter and applause ]

I won the drag race
and the hill climb.

I won two challenges, also.

Well, the oval
and the final destination.

I still think...
I set my fireworks off.

Children, children, children.
They're not for storage.

Children!
Children! Children!

It's a tie.
There's no way it's a tie.

It's a tie. Watch this.
It's a tie.

Thank you very much!
Good night!

[ Cheers and applause ]

I hit a new yorker.