Original subtitles

Good morning, Mr. Mint.

Here's your breakfast, Radical Rosemary.

Rise and shine, Jim.

You're giving off very strong lonely widow vibes.

I'm watering my plants for my new iCarly PlantCam.

It's a live stream so viewers can pop in at any time

and check on their progress.

It's become something of a soap opera.

Yeah, I can tell by looking at his leaves,

Jim is the evil twin.

Why are you dressed like the Grim Reaper

on casual Friday?

I am trying on my new outfit

for when Grandad Shay visits next week.

I'm hoping if I dress like an old person,

it'll help us bond.

I'm also gonna dye my hair white.

Why would you do that when you could just stop

dying it brown?

Just be cool.

We haven't seen Grandad in forever,

and I really want this visit to be a good time.

He's like the only family we have.

He's not the only family we have.

We also have dad and that lady

who claimed to be our sister right when she needed a kidney.

Grandad? What are you doing here?

I realize I'm a week early.

Traffic was a lot better than I expected.

Oh, Carly!

My little gumdrop.

It's been quite a while. I've really missed you.

Aw, me too, Grandad.

Spencer.

So close, we don't even need a nickname.

Hey, let's all go around and say what we like

about each other's life choices.

Patches on your elbows?

- Huh? - Oh, do you need a loan?

No, Spencer spent two years

decorating this whole place himself.

He picked all the furniture, every tabletop,

every light fixture.

Impressive.

I did two tours in Vietnam.

Well, I haven't just decorated.

Lately I've been spending most of my time

focusing on my new business.

That's right, I have a business.

It's new.

I do business there.

You wanna see my coin collection?

♪ I know you see ♪

♪ Somehow the world will change for me ♪

♪ And be so wonderful ♪

♪ So wake up the members of my nation ♪

♪ It's your time to be ♪

♪ There's no chance unless you take one ♪

♪ And the time to see the brighter side ♪

♪ Of every situation ♪

♪ Some things are meant to be ♪

♪ So give me your best and leave the rest to me. ♪

*iCarly* Season 02 Episode 04 Episode Title: ""iHire A New Assistant""

What do you need, Radical Rosemary?

More water? Less water?

Sparkling water? Use your words!

I'm so busy. Work texts, PlantCam,

shopping for wigs that, let's face it,

I'm never gonna buy.

Harper keeps saying that I should get an assistant.

But it usually only comes up when it's her turn

to unload the dishwasher.

I just wish I had more time to spend with you, Grandad.

Don't worry about me, Carly.

Since I retired, I've gotten used to being lonely and bored.

I spend most of my days watching re-runs

of Third Rock from the Sun.

Let me go through my schedule

and find time for us to spend together.

Uh... no.

Not then.

Why did I write "panic attack" with a smiley face?

Carly, you have no system.

Here, let me show you mine.

Those all just say "watch Third Rock from the Sun."

If they stop

rerunning that show, I don't know what I'll do.

Grandad, that system is actually amazing.

Wait. You should be my assistant!

Think about it.

You're bored, you're super organized,

and you love unloading the dishwasher.

Unless you think it'd be weird?

No, I think it'd be a great way for us to spend time together.

I'll start right now.

Clock me in, Gumdrop.

Also, when's lunch?

Why do you need to call your doctor

about an irregular cycle?

Is your Peloton broken?

There it is. There's the weird part.

Now, the menu is not finalized yet,

but check this out.

I took my smoothie pops, aka "smops,"

and I made them with juice.

Behold the J-Smop!

So, they're just Popsicles?

Yeah, but I copyrighted J-Smops.

Okay, I have to go.

I'm auditioning hamsters for a therapy position,

and parking's a nightmare.

How do you audition hamsters for therapy?

Oh, you'd be surprised.

Some hamsters can be more empathetic than others.

I'm just kidding. I buy a bunch of hamsters,

and the ones who don't run away get the gig.

Yeah, you better go.

Finding a parking spot in Seattle

is like finding a quiet Aries.

Right.

So true!

Don't even get me started on how an Aries gets gas!

Okay, I'll see you guys later.

- Okay, bye-bye. - Bye, Pearl.

Total Aquarius move.

- Not that he would know. - Yeah, not that he would know.

Agreeing with Millicent makes me feel young.

Pearl loves astrology

and I want to be able to talk to her about it.

Ooh, let me do your birth chart.

It's like the old saying, "Teach a man to fish

and he'll catch a Pisces."

Ooh, girl, let me catch a breath!

That is fully hilarious for those in the know.

Just plug in the time and location of your birth,

and your mother's pelvic angle.

Thirty-one degrees. Very auspicious angle.

Very sad I know that.

Huh.

Moon. Pisces.

The Fourth House?!

Oh, this is bad. Bad, bad, bad.

What? Does it say I'm gonna die?

Worse! Your birth chart

is a perfect match to my birth chart.

We're soul mates.

What?

- No, we're not. - I know!

I mean, she is so out of your league.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're lucky Harper even knows your name.

Come on, Harper. This whole thing is bogus.

Your skepticism balancing my whimsy?

But of course.

We're perfect for each other.

Are you crying?

Damn you, Mom, and your scheduled C-section.

This J-Smop is hitting.

I'm working, not shopping!

Not for your lowly assistant to judge, but here goes.

Those shoes are ugly.

Is there anything else I can do for you?

- I am kinda hungry. - Ah.

You could have one of my pre-prepared morning snacks.

FYI, they're all yogurt.

It helps me go.

Key lime pie?

Grandad, you are begging for a promotion.

And I booked you a collab.

- Seriously? - Mm.

I'm surprised you know what a collab is.

I looked up a list of young words on the web.

I do not wanna be a cheugy!

So, who's the collab with?

Me and the coins.

Hmm. Let me think about it.

I'll get that.

That's your assistant's job.

Carly Shay's office.

Pot guy?

My granddaughter is not a druggie!

The '60s are over! You lost!

It's not the pot guy, it's my pottery guy.

- Oh. - My babies are finally growing up

and gonna be able to move into bigger homes.

Oh. Sorry I messed up that call.

You know, I could use a list of my job responsibilities.

Sure, I'll write something up for you later.

How 'bout you type it up now?

Size 84 font. None of that sans serif crap.

And while you're up, I'll take a Werther's

and a cup for my teeth.

Ah, your steak au poivre at 10:00 in the morning.

I have no follow-up questions.

It's for Grandad. I made him my assistant

so we can spend more time together.

Then why are you getting him a steak?

I guess I somehow kind of became his assistant.

No fair, he always picks you!

You know what, why don't I have Grandad

come here and have lunch?

Then, you can show him the restaurant

and he can show you his teeth.

Which reminds me, can I get a thick, clear cup?

Grandad can't come here, he'll rip this place apart.

I at least need to paint a mural on that wall.

You're right. Grandad will probably look

at that blank wall and be all, "In my day,

"we didn't have blank walls.

We had one bone and we made five weeks of soup out of it."

Hey, Carly. Are you mad at me?

- No, why? - Because I asked you

if you wanted anything from the grocery store earlier,

and you replied, "No. Period. Bye. Period."

Oh, no.

Grandad must be replying to my texts from my computer.

- Mm. - Everyone knows old people

are the worst texters.

They don't get digital nuance.

Yeah, well, he's also yelling at people in the iCarly comments.

He's logged in as you and it looks like you told someone

to go die in a jalopy fire.

I don't know what a jalopy is, but the rest sounds pretty mean.

What am I gonna do? I can't fire my own Grandad.

One banana almond smoothie with five strawberries

- and a splash of apple juice. - That's mine.

I ordered the same thing.

That doesn't mean we're soul mates.

- You guys want straws? - No straw, long spoon.

I told you!

Our two hearts beat as one, you gorgeous dumb-ass.

Wow, Grandad Shay,

that was a really interesting coin presentation.

Thank you, young lady.

Guess you could say I'm a "coin-fluencer."

You're a real "coin-tent creator."

Look at that, we both coined new phrases!

And that's it for our first episode of...

My Two Cents!

"Coin-tent creator"?

Not my proudest moment.

But he pays me $20 every time I laugh at one of his jokes.

And say what you will,

Grandad brought a ton of viewers to your live stream.

Way more than you usually get.

You filmed that on my live stream?

Well, what happened to my PlantCam?

Turns out there was a change of "plants."

Grandad, this is my channel.

Do you think Oprah lets her grandad

do coin shows on OWN?

No, and that's the only difference

between you and Oprah.

Thank you, Carly.

For the first time since I retired,

I feel a real sense of accomplishment.

Actually, the first time was last week at Skybucks

when I successfully ordered a frappuccino.

Well, I don't wanna take it away from you

if you're really enjoying making these coin videos.

Maybe we can do a collab. Your coins, my plants?

Pass.

Actually, Grandad and I have a list of stuff for you to do

while we rehearse the next segment.

It's an appreciation of the 1787 Brasher Doubloon.

People need to know about the Brasher D.

Do they?

Of course, they do! It's the Brasher D.

I get 10 when I agree with him.

Okay, what kind of therapy animal would you suggest

for a 49-year-old woman with a fear of flying?

Well, we could be responsible and recommend a small dog.

Ooh, or we could be bad, give her a snake,

and wind up with a plane full of new customers.

Pearl! I have something to tell you.

Fredward and I are soul mates.

Excuse me?

Harper did my birth chart

so I could learn more about astrology to impress you,

and our charts are a match.

A perfect match.

Can you please tell Harper

that this doesn't mean anything?

I'm sorry, but I can't do that.

The stars have spoken, and we must listen.

What?!

You're very practical. Taurus?

Yeah, dude.

But I also did Freddie's chart,

and, well, your mom and I have been texting

ever since she put a tracking device on my car.

But he and I,

also a perfect match.

Now, we just have to see who matches with him physically.

Only one way to do that.

Here? Now?

The three of us?

Salsa dancing.

Wait, what did you think we were talking about?

Salsa dancing.

Okay, so to recap.

I'm a perfect match for both of you.

Two of us want to date each other.

Two of us have absolutely no interest

in dating each other,

and we're gonna solve this with salsa dancing?

Well, you wouldn't solve it with a Viennese waltz.

That would be insane.

I'm not the coin-fluencer's assistant!

He's my assistant!

I agree, it's not going well!

What are you doing?

I am swamped.

Grandad gave out my email on the show.

Can you believe that? He knows my email.

I thought Millicent was his assistant.

Nah, she's his number one, I'm his number two,

and you're kind of like our intern.

It's kind of amazing the show is so popular.

Mm, not really.

They come for the buffalo nickels,

but they stay for the silver fox.

Apparently, Grandad is hot.

Spencer, I'm forwarding Grandad's emails to Carly.

You're not responding fast enough,

and your tone could use some work.

Fine, let's see if Grandad's Gumdrop

can handle the deluge!

Ugh!

Grandad, we need to talk.

Oh, Mr. Shay can spare 20 minutes

Thursday of next week.

This isn't working.

All I wanted was to spend quality time with you.

But, I'm sorry.

I have to... fire you.

Pack your bags.

Please.

You're firing me? Huh?

That's an interesting wrong decision.

After I answer

these last few emails.

I don't wanna leave you in a lurch.

Who is Vinny?

He's an old friend.

Why does he say he's going to "quaff you in the noof"?

Oh, wait.

"Sorry for the typos. I'm driving.

Meant to say I'm gonna stab you in the neck."

He's like an old friend and an enemy.

I wish there was a colloquial term

to describe that relationship.

He also thinks I stole my coins from him.

Well, why would he think that?

Because I stole my coins from him.

I lost them to Vinny in a poker game,

so I broke into his place and took them back.

Coin heists? Nemesis?!

If you're a super villain, you have to tell me.

Grandad, you have to give the coins back to Vinny.

He's on his way here to kill you.

You mean us. Vinny's not big on witnesses.

I'm not giving these coins back.

They've been in the family for generations.

Your great-great-grandfather stole 'em fair and square.

You're gonna risk your life over coins?

It's not like they're front row tickets

to Ricky Martin.

Vinny is not murdering Grandad.

If Grandad is gonna die, it is gonna be from natural causes

or falling into a pond and drowning

'cause he was trying to feed a specific duck.

I'll think of a way out of this. Just leave it all to me.

Spencer, I really appreciate

you helping out your old Grandad.

And if you pull this off,

there is a crisp twenty-dollar bill

with your name on it.

Wait, so saving your life

and laughing at your jokes gets the same amount?

Carly, shut up. I want those twenty bones.

Thanks for letting us have salsa night at your place.

Well, thank you for being a part of my plan.

What plan?

My secret plan.

If you're gonna do a dramatic pause,

it's always best to do it with a...

...prop.

Isn't Spencer's restaurant great?

I like the cool blank wall.

I feel like it's saying, "Hey guys, I'm just a wall.

So, why doesn't everybody chill out and move on?"

I call it lazy.

In my day, you had a blank wall,

you put up a sign to "Join the Army."

It won't be blank for long.

It's all part of the... plan.

What the hell are you wearing?

These are my custom-made Spencer Shay salsa slacks.

Wait, are those my coins sewn into your pants?

They're slacks, and yeah,

it's all part of the... plan.

How are they...

Oh no, Vinny's here. I'm dead.

He looks both frail and scary,

so I'm relieved, but still terrified.

And now... I dance.

Spencer, if he sees your pants...

It's part of the plan!

- Give me my coins back. - What coins?

The coins on your coin collecting show,

which I watched and really enjoyed, by the way.

Hey, here's a fun different topic

to help us all forget about coins.

Can you believe they have women pilots now?

Well, I'm ready for salsa dancing

to decide who I'm compatible with,

even though I've already decided I like Pearl,

and astrology is ridiculous.

He still thinks it's up to him.

Oh, God, I hope we suck at this.

Not as much as I do.

Damn it, we're great at this.

You'll pry those coins out of my cold, dead fingers.

I'll do it when your fingers are warm.

It takes two hours for a body to cool down.

That Lena Horne is some hot dish, huh?

Who is this kid?

He's my grandson,

and I'm as disappointed as you think I am.

Spencer, if Vinny sees your pants,

he's gonna know where the coins are.

You gotta get out of here.

And now... we dance.

Our turn.

Let's dance like nobody's watching,

even though people are.

Look at them, working out their problems through dance.

Why don't you guys try that?

Help less, Gumdrop.

All right, let's finish this.

See if you can handle some of my signature moves.

Why?!

Ah!

Freddie!

Do you know what this means? We're a match!

Ooh!

Hold up, hold on.

Hey, girl, what's your sign?

Libra with a Leo rising.

Ooh, I'm a Sag with a Libra rising!

We're compatible!

I'm good. Freddie's all you.

All right, enough pleasantries.

Time for murder.

No, Vinny, wait!

Your coins are on these pants!

You're lucky the little lady stepped in, Shay,

because you were about to tango

with Osteo and Porosis.

Thanks for saving my butt, guys.

Unfortunately, I can't pass those coins

down to you after all.

Actually, I think you'll still be able to.

The coins will be hidden in plain sight

at Shay What forever.

Wait, then what was sewn into your pants?

Oh, my custom-made Spencer Shay fake coins.

All part of my... scheme.

Great job, Spencer.

Spencer, oh-ho!

I'm proud of you. There, I said it.

Proud of me?

I'm just... so happy...

My whole life... Family hug!

Spencer, Carly, you "coin" always count on me.

Are you sure you wanna drive back to Yakima tonight?

I don't want to overstay my welcome.

- You could never... - Let me put it bluntly.

You're getting on my nerves again.

Good news, Grandad.

Looks like you and I could be soul mates as well.

But there's only one way to find out.

- I thought you'd never ask. - Oh!

And there it is.

There's the weird part again.

Ooh!

He hates these cans.