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(RINGING)
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00:00:40,920 --> 00:00:42,621
(SLURPING)
5
00:00:45,757 --> 00:00:47,023
(RINGING)
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00:00:51,128 --> 00:00:52,795
(DOG BARKING)
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00:02:33,307 --> 00:02:37,076
MAN 1 ON RADIO: And so,at 6:59 on a beautifulmorning, here in Eugene,
8
00:02:37,078 --> 00:02:41,246
we pause for a moment to bringyou the latest national news.
9
00:02:41,248 --> 00:02:44,214
MAN 2: Good news againfor the nation's housewives.
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00:02:44,216 --> 00:02:50,553
that the cost-of-living indexrose only 1.2% in the monthof August.
11
00:02:50,555 --> 00:02:51,721
Dr. Fenton Cooper,
12
00:02:51,723 --> 00:02:53,655
one of President Carter'sleading economists,
13
00:02:53,657 --> 00:02:57,325
vacationing in Bermuda,stated that if thistrend continues
14
00:02:57,327 --> 00:03:01,262
we may see inflation heldto less than 18% this year.
15
00:03:01,264 --> 00:03:02,495
18%.
16
00:03:02,497 --> 00:03:03,830
Meanwhile,in Washington today...
17
00:03:03,832 --> 00:03:05,764
Oh, Fenton,
that is wonderful news.
18
00:03:05,766 --> 00:03:07,933
...$2.5 billion increasein the defense budget...
19
00:03:07,935 --> 00:03:10,436
Now I know I can
go to the Safeway
in January
20
00:03:10,438 --> 00:03:13,104
and still get bread
for under $5 a loaf.
21
00:03:13,106 --> 00:03:15,907
On Wall Street the stockmarket is down six points...
22
00:03:24,414 --> 00:03:26,147
Come on, honey,
time to get up.
23
00:03:29,918 --> 00:03:31,018
Hi.
24
00:03:31,020 --> 00:03:32,185
Mmm. Hi.
25
00:03:35,089 --> 00:03:36,689
How do you feel?
26
00:03:38,524 --> 00:03:39,791
Like this.
27
00:03:39,793 --> 00:03:40,958
Mmm.
28
00:03:40,960 --> 00:03:42,594
(BOTH LAUGHING)
29
00:03:45,764 --> 00:03:48,631
Robert,
I've got something
really dumb to tell you.
30
00:03:48,633 --> 00:03:52,435
Do you know,
for the first time since
I've had Laurie and Billy,
31
00:03:52,437 --> 00:03:53,769
I'm late.
32
00:03:54,938 --> 00:03:57,338
So am I.
It's almost 7:00.
33
00:03:59,040 --> 00:04:00,674
Robert.
Mmm?
34
00:04:01,809 --> 00:04:03,643
Robert.
Yes?
35
00:04:03,645 --> 00:04:05,277
Do you love me?
36
00:04:06,146 --> 00:04:08,446
No, Jane,
I don't love you.
37
00:04:08,448 --> 00:04:10,949
I love your car
and I love your garage
38
00:04:10,951 --> 00:04:12,984
and I love
going to sleep here
three nights a week
39
00:04:12,986 --> 00:04:15,052
'cause we can't
afford a motel.
Babysitter.
40
00:04:15,054 --> 00:04:16,286
That, too.
41
00:04:20,457 --> 00:04:22,958
And because
your children
might go bananas
42
00:04:22,960 --> 00:04:24,726
if they were to wake up
in the middle of the night
43
00:04:24,728 --> 00:04:26,727
and see their
divorced mommy
44
00:04:26,729 --> 00:04:29,230
lying in bed with
some lovable stranger
45
00:04:29,232 --> 00:04:32,365
they've been calling
Uncle Robert for two years.
46
00:04:36,136 --> 00:04:40,038
Robert, uh,
I hate to be pushy
first thing in the morning,
47
00:04:40,306 --> 00:04:42,073
but we've gotta get married.
48
00:04:42,075 --> 00:04:44,141
We'll get married as soon
as old man Wheeler retires
49
00:04:44,143 --> 00:04:45,642
and makes me
manager of the store.
50
00:04:45,644 --> 00:04:47,911
Honey,
you've been telling me
that for nearly a year.
51
00:04:47,913 --> 00:04:49,645
It's not fair.
52
00:04:49,647 --> 00:04:51,080
I love you.
53
00:05:01,322 --> 00:05:02,688
(MEWING)
54
00:05:02,690 --> 00:05:04,391
(DOGS BARKING)
55
00:05:07,094 --> 00:05:08,927
Don't bother, Charlotte,
I'll find him.
56
00:05:08,929 --> 00:05:10,828
Can't you redeposit
the check?
57
00:05:10,830 --> 00:05:13,731
It's already been returned
insufficient funds twice,
Mrs. Bailey.
58
00:05:16,034 --> 00:05:17,333
Albert!
59
00:05:18,269 --> 00:05:21,003
Albert, I have to talk to you.
60
00:05:21,005 --> 00:05:23,438
ALBERT: First take off
your clothes and hop on
the table.
61
00:05:23,440 --> 00:05:26,274
Albert, this is your wife,
not your nurse.
62
00:05:26,276 --> 00:05:28,276
You know, you'd think after
being married for nine years
63
00:05:28,278 --> 00:05:30,343
to the funniest vet
in southern Oregon,
64
00:05:30,345 --> 00:05:32,279
you'd have developed
a sense of humor.
65
00:05:32,281 --> 00:05:34,680
Oh, Jesus!
Jesus, you taste good!
66
00:05:34,682 --> 00:05:36,282
Why do you always
taste so good?
67
00:05:36,284 --> 00:05:38,783
It's those damn mints
you carry in your purse,
isn't it?
68
00:05:38,785 --> 00:05:40,451
Okay, lock the door,
69
00:05:40,453 --> 00:05:42,353
and we shall proceed to
turn your unexpected visit
70
00:05:42,355 --> 00:05:45,189
into an X-rated
commercial for Certs.
71
00:05:45,191 --> 00:05:47,957
Albert,
I haven't even
had breakfast yet.
72
00:05:48,292 --> 00:05:51,460
Stop licking my face,
you dumb dog.
73
00:05:51,462 --> 00:05:53,461
My God,
even the animals
here are oversexed.
74
00:05:53,463 --> 00:05:55,363
Yeah, they are.
75
00:05:55,365 --> 00:05:57,064
Remember, Louise,
a good man is hard to find,
76
00:05:57,066 --> 00:05:59,466
and a hard man is
good, good to find.
77
00:05:59,868 --> 00:06:01,068
Albert?
Mmm-hmm?
78
00:06:01,070 --> 00:06:03,469
I need $1,000.
79
00:06:03,471 --> 00:06:05,804
I wrote some checks
for merchandise yesterday.
80
00:06:05,806 --> 00:06:09,908
Yes, Ye Olde Antique Shoppe,
mmm-hmm.
81
00:06:09,910 --> 00:06:12,543
When's that silly
store of yours gonna
start showing a profit?
82
00:06:12,545 --> 00:06:13,877
This year, I promise.
83
00:06:13,879 --> 00:06:15,312
That's what you said
last year, Louise.
84
00:06:15,314 --> 00:06:16,912
Albert,
just write me a check.
85
00:06:16,914 --> 00:06:19,815
Louise,
we're being audited by
the IRS. You know that!
86
00:06:19,817 --> 00:06:21,650
The accountant says
no more checks for anything,
87
00:06:21,652 --> 00:06:23,818
for two weeks.
Screw the accountant.
88
00:06:23,820 --> 00:06:25,320
Not my type.
89
00:06:25,720 --> 00:06:27,055
Albert, you're a doctor.
90
00:06:27,057 --> 00:06:29,423
You must have cash
hidden somewhere.
91
00:06:29,425 --> 00:06:31,091
I did. Remember?
92
00:06:31,093 --> 00:06:32,725
I gave it to you last month.
93
00:06:32,727 --> 00:06:34,060
Lent.
Gave.
94
00:06:34,062 --> 00:06:36,229
Louise, isn't it about time
you admitted it?
95
00:06:36,231 --> 00:06:39,297
Admitted what?
You're a terrible
businesswoman.
96
00:06:42,400 --> 00:06:44,568
Albert, I need $1,000.
97
00:06:44,570 --> 00:06:46,803
Please don't
make me beg for it.
98
00:06:48,172 --> 00:06:50,639
We'll talk about it tonight.
Later.
99
00:06:51,241 --> 00:06:54,176
After dinner.
Over a bottle
of Dom Perignon.
100
00:06:54,410 --> 00:06:56,244
Under the covers.
101
00:06:56,246 --> 00:06:59,746
(LAUGHING) Darling,
you don't have to get
me drunk to sleep with you.
102
00:06:59,748 --> 00:07:01,814
I love sleeping with you.
103
00:07:02,415 --> 00:07:04,084
Sometimes I think
it might be the only thing
104
00:07:04,086 --> 00:07:08,253
No, Louise.
We have something
else in common. Money.
105
00:07:08,255 --> 00:07:11,255
My ability to make it
and yours to spend it.
106
00:07:11,257 --> 00:07:16,260
the perfect example
of the half-liberated
American woman of the '70s.
107
00:07:16,262 --> 00:07:17,793
"I wanna do my own thing,
108
00:07:17,795 --> 00:07:20,195
"as long as my husband
pays for it."
109
00:07:20,197 --> 00:07:23,932
Albert,
I am not a perfect
example of anything.
110
00:07:23,934 --> 00:07:26,867
I am also
not the Barbie doll
you think you married.
111
00:07:26,869 --> 00:07:28,601
I'm a grown-up,
human being wife
112
00:07:28,603 --> 00:07:30,137
and I deserve
to be treated
like one.
113
00:07:30,139 --> 00:07:31,704
Do you understand?
114
00:07:31,706 --> 00:07:34,274
Okay, quit stalling.
Come on, let's do it!
115
00:07:34,276 --> 00:07:38,442
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
116
00:07:38,444 --> 00:07:41,112
Jesus, I love it
when you talk French.
117
00:08:16,574 --> 00:08:19,741
NATALIE ON ANSWERING MACHINE:Elaine,this is Natalie Pokempher.
118
00:08:19,743 --> 00:08:23,311
We're gonna be doing a showfor the first anniversaryof the Valley River Center,
119
00:08:23,313 --> 00:08:25,347
and I need youto help out backstage.
120
00:08:25,349 --> 00:08:27,014
I mean,you're just so organized
121
00:08:27,016 --> 00:08:30,150
and I absolutelywon't take no for an answer.
122
00:08:30,152 --> 00:08:32,418
Think about it, okay, Elaine?Goodbye.
123
00:08:32,420 --> 00:08:33,486
(BEEPS)
124
00:08:33,488 --> 00:08:35,854
MILLARD:Hi, honey, this is me.
125
00:08:35,856 --> 00:08:38,756
Look, uh, don't botherto make dinner tonight.
126
00:08:38,758 --> 00:08:42,092
I won't be home.Uh, Elaine... This is...
127
00:08:42,528 --> 00:08:44,861
Well, look, it's-- it'snothing you've done...
128
00:08:44,863 --> 00:08:48,164
SUSAN: It is sosomething you've done,you selfish bitch!
129
00:08:48,166 --> 00:08:50,265
You never cared foror appreciated Millard.
130
00:08:50,267 --> 00:08:52,667
Susan, stop!Give--Give me back the phone!
131
00:08:52,669 --> 00:08:54,703
Elaine, look,please try to understand.
132
00:08:54,705 --> 00:08:56,170
I--I know you'regoing to be upset
133
00:08:56,172 --> 00:08:58,272
about this fora little while.
134
00:08:58,274 --> 00:09:00,708
But, you're stilla--a damn attractive woman,
135
00:09:00,710 --> 00:09:04,077
and--and there'sa lot of other fishout there in the ocean. Oh...
136
00:09:04,378 --> 00:09:06,011
You bastard!
137
00:09:06,013 --> 00:09:08,079
(DISTORTED VOICEON ANSWERING MACHINE)
138
00:09:12,551 --> 00:09:14,250
(RING CLINKING)
139
00:09:22,725 --> 00:09:24,359
And then,
after he did in
140
00:09:24,361 --> 00:09:26,026
the checking
and savings account,
141
00:09:26,028 --> 00:09:28,062
he emptied
all of your jewelry
142
00:09:28,064 --> 00:09:29,796
out of the safety-deposit box
143
00:09:29,798 --> 00:09:31,797
and handed me the key.
144
00:09:31,799 --> 00:09:33,399
Is there anything left?
145
00:09:33,401 --> 00:09:35,533
Uh, yes, uh...
146
00:09:35,535 --> 00:09:39,371
There's $480 left
in the Christmas club.
147
00:09:39,373 --> 00:09:40,904
I'll take it in cash.
148
00:09:40,906 --> 00:09:42,039
You can't.
149
00:09:42,041 --> 00:09:43,973
Not until December 10.
150
00:09:43,975 --> 00:09:45,375
Oh, shit.
151
00:09:46,144 --> 00:09:48,978
Elaine, he'll be back.
152
00:09:48,980 --> 00:09:51,580
As soon as they run out
of clean socks and underwear,
153
00:09:51,582 --> 00:09:53,214
they always come back.
154
00:09:53,216 --> 00:09:54,715
I don't want him back.
155
00:09:54,717 --> 00:09:56,884
What makes you think
I want the rotten
son of a bitch back?
156
00:09:56,886 --> 00:10:01,388
I want you to
get this lousy bank
to lend me some money,
157
00:10:01,390 --> 00:10:03,922
or at least extend
my MasterCharge limit.
158
00:10:03,924 --> 00:10:05,724
Oh, Patty,
you've got to help me.
159
00:10:05,726 --> 00:10:09,060
I'm broke.
I'm flat-busted broke!
160
00:10:09,062 --> 00:10:11,561
The house and car payments
are due on Monday.
161
00:10:11,563 --> 00:10:12,763
I need money.
162
00:10:12,765 --> 00:10:14,264
You know how banks operate.
163
00:10:14,266 --> 00:10:16,966
They only lend money
to people who don't need it.
164
00:10:17,901 --> 00:10:19,901
Elaine, would you
let go of my hands?
165
00:10:19,903 --> 00:10:21,569
People are staring.
166
00:10:21,571 --> 00:10:23,138
(CLEARS THROAT)
I'm sorry.
167
00:10:23,406 --> 00:10:25,240
Well, everything checks out,
Dr. Travis.
168
00:10:25,242 --> 00:10:29,776
In fact, by my calculations,
the United States government
owes you $11.19.
169
00:10:29,778 --> 00:10:31,411
You can take us
out to lunch.
170
00:10:31,413 --> 00:10:33,513
Except for one small item.
171
00:10:35,114 --> 00:10:36,248
What's that?
172
00:10:36,250 --> 00:10:38,082
The deductions you took
on your wife's hobby.
173
00:10:38,084 --> 00:10:39,683
My wife doesn't
have a hobby.
174
00:10:39,685 --> 00:10:42,153
Oh, sure she does,
the, uh, the antique thing.
175
00:10:42,354 --> 00:10:43,454
Oh, yes.
176
00:10:43,456 --> 00:10:44,921
Ye Olde Antique Shoppe.
177
00:10:44,923 --> 00:10:46,356
That's a business,
Mr. Pike.
178
00:10:46,358 --> 00:10:47,689
I don't think so,
Dr. Travis.
179
00:10:47,691 --> 00:10:53,027
You gave Mrs. Travis
a total of $36,532 in
the last three years.
180
00:10:53,029 --> 00:10:54,762
Loaned.
He didn't give her anything.
181
00:10:54,764 --> 00:10:56,163
It was a business loan.
182
00:10:57,432 --> 00:11:00,200
Well, according
to what I see here,
not a very good one.
183
00:11:00,202 --> 00:11:02,935
Unfortunately,
as we look at it, Dr. Travis,
184
00:11:02,937 --> 00:11:05,770
when a husband
gives his wife money
to start up a business,
185
00:11:05,772 --> 00:11:08,039
and that said business
doesn't show a profit
186
00:11:08,041 --> 00:11:10,108
within a reasonable time,
187
00:11:10,110 --> 00:11:11,942
it is not
a legitimate business.
188
00:11:11,944 --> 00:11:14,110
It's a business, Mr. Pike.
I swear it.
189
00:11:14,112 --> 00:11:17,380
Louise works at it
six days a week,
15 hours a day.
190
00:11:17,382 --> 00:11:18,948
This January,
when she had the flu,
191
00:11:18,950 --> 00:11:21,983
she went to work with
a 104-degree temperature
in the snow.
192
00:11:21,985 --> 00:11:25,119
I'm sure.
Uh, but isn't it customary...
193
00:11:25,719 --> 00:11:26,821
I'll tell you.
194
00:11:26,823 --> 00:11:28,555
When you built your
animal hospital in, uh...
195
00:11:28,557 --> 00:11:31,458
1968. July 11, 1968.
196
00:11:31,460 --> 00:11:33,792
Good.
Where'd you get the money?
197
00:11:33,794 --> 00:11:37,329
The bank here in town loaned
me the initial down payment.
$10,000.
198
00:11:37,331 --> 00:11:39,330
Mmm. Did you pay it all back?
199
00:11:39,332 --> 00:11:40,831
Right on schedule,
yes, sir!
200
00:11:40,833 --> 00:11:42,899
Plus interest?
7%.
201
00:11:43,733 --> 00:11:46,735
How much interest
are you charging
your wife, Dr. Travis?
202
00:11:51,340 --> 00:11:53,341
It's a hobby, Dr. Travis.
203
00:11:53,343 --> 00:11:55,576
And that means that you owe
the United States government
204
00:11:55,578 --> 00:12:00,213
taxes on $36,532,
plus penalties and interest.
205
00:12:01,415 --> 00:12:02,982
Oh, my God!
206
00:12:03,150 --> 00:12:04,583
Unless we can
prove otherwise,
207
00:12:04,585 --> 00:12:06,151
that it was
a legitimate
business loan.
208
00:12:06,153 --> 00:12:09,420
Oh, sure. Unless you can
prove otherwise. Quickly.
209
00:12:13,158 --> 00:12:14,858
She's ugly, Eddie.
210
00:12:14,860 --> 00:12:16,259
I've seen her.
211
00:12:17,861 --> 00:12:20,896
How could he? I mean,
she's only 19 years old.
212
00:12:21,664 --> 00:12:24,599
Forget about Sinatra,
she doesn't even
remember The Beatles.
213
00:12:25,167 --> 00:12:27,033
Men are fools.
214
00:12:27,035 --> 00:12:30,403
Okay, I-- I'll admit it.
So maybe I was a lousy cook,
215
00:12:31,439 --> 00:12:35,106
and I probably
spent too much of
his money on clothes,
216
00:12:36,542 --> 00:12:39,844
and I never really said
I liked the buildings
he designed.
217
00:12:39,846 --> 00:12:42,846
I used to call him
Frank Lloyd Wrong.
218
00:12:44,848 --> 00:12:48,751
Twice last month I fell asleep
when he was making love to me.
219
00:12:49,619 --> 00:12:50,852
But is that
any reason to leave?
220
00:12:50,854 --> 00:12:53,187
Nobody's perfect,
for God's sakes.
221
00:12:53,622 --> 00:12:55,289
Did you love him?
222
00:12:58,526 --> 00:13:00,860
Nine years ago I loved him.
223
00:13:00,862 --> 00:13:03,228
I loved him
when I married him.
224
00:13:03,230 --> 00:13:04,862
But lately,
it's been like
225
00:13:04,864 --> 00:13:08,099
trying put toothpaste
back into a tube, you know?
226
00:13:11,536 --> 00:13:13,869
I'd like 'em back right
before dinner on Sunday.
227
00:13:13,871 --> 00:13:14,870
After dinner.
228
00:13:14,872 --> 00:13:18,908
You're not gonna win
the Little League championship
without some batting practice.
229
00:13:18,910 --> 00:13:20,074
Ask Mom.
230
00:13:20,076 --> 00:13:21,876
Baseball broke,
cover came off.
231
00:13:21,878 --> 00:13:24,044
Well, buy him another one.
I can't afford it.
232
00:13:24,046 --> 00:13:25,546
Buy it,
I'll pay you back.
233
00:13:25,548 --> 00:13:27,948
No, pay me back.
Pay me more.
234
00:13:28,649 --> 00:13:30,750
Look, I--I don't
wanna talk about this
in front of the kids but...
235
00:13:30,752 --> 00:13:32,617
Then don't. Come on.
236
00:13:37,089 --> 00:13:38,389
Lookit, Tom,
I need more money.
237
00:13:38,391 --> 00:13:41,224
I cannot swing it
on $200 a month
child support anymore.
238
00:13:41,226 --> 00:13:43,327
Whoa! That's the deal
we made when you left me.
239
00:13:43,329 --> 00:13:44,594
That's what
the court order says.
240
00:13:44,596 --> 00:13:46,229
You divorced me,
remember?
241
00:13:46,231 --> 00:13:48,063
$200 a month
four years ago has my kids
242
00:13:48,065 --> 00:13:50,097
drinking Kool-Aid
instead of milk twice a day.
243
00:13:50,099 --> 00:13:52,401
All right, I don't wanna
hear this bullshit, Jane.
Now, I mean it!
244
00:13:52,403 --> 00:13:53,734
Now, I got it rough, too!
245
00:13:53,736 --> 00:13:55,902
Come on, guys,
in the back seat,
everybody.
246
00:13:55,904 --> 00:13:57,837
Do you know
how hard it is to survive
247
00:13:57,839 --> 00:14:00,674
on a high school
football coach's salary?
Why don't you ask for a raise?
248
00:14:00,676 --> 00:14:03,342
Whoa, with a one-and-nine
record last year?
249
00:14:03,344 --> 00:14:04,742
Don't be insane.
250
00:14:05,911 --> 00:14:07,811
Let Sally go to work.
251
00:14:08,079 --> 00:14:09,279
My wife already has a job.
252
00:14:09,281 --> 00:14:10,415
Oh, yeah?
Yeah!
253
00:14:10,417 --> 00:14:11,949
She takes care of me.
254
00:14:11,951 --> 00:14:13,283
You know,
you're really lucky
255
00:14:13,285 --> 00:14:14,617
that I'm still around
to help you at all.
256
00:14:14,619 --> 00:14:16,851
Did you hear
what happened to
your friend Elaine?
257
00:14:21,757 --> 00:14:23,490
Good night, Eddie.
258
00:14:25,626 --> 00:14:27,995
Drive carefully,
Mrs. Houghton.
259
00:14:56,718 --> 00:14:58,551
(TIRES SCREECHING)
260
00:15:09,828 --> 00:15:11,961
(SIREN WAILING)
261
00:15:11,963 --> 00:15:13,364
Oh, perfect.
262
00:15:22,137 --> 00:15:24,305
(MAN CHATTERING ON RADIO)
263
00:15:40,318 --> 00:15:41,418
Good evening.
264
00:15:41,420 --> 00:15:42,586
Good evening.
265
00:15:44,087 --> 00:15:47,322
How would you
like to tell me one
I've never heard before.
266
00:15:47,324 --> 00:15:49,758
The bionic man
can't get it down.
267
00:15:51,327 --> 00:15:53,994
Wanna step
out of the car,
please, ma'am?
268
00:15:53,996 --> 00:15:55,995
You've heard it before.
269
00:16:01,335 --> 00:16:03,335
How many drinks you have
this evening, ma'am?
270
00:16:03,337 --> 00:16:06,504
What makes you think
I've been drinking,
Officer?
271
00:16:06,506 --> 00:16:08,172
Do you have
your license
with you?
272
00:16:08,174 --> 00:16:09,373
Yeah, it's in my wallet.
273
00:16:09,375 --> 00:16:11,574
Wanna get it for me,
please?
274
00:16:21,050 --> 00:16:23,250
Take it out for me,
please.
275
00:16:28,889 --> 00:16:31,123
Miss Houghton,
is your present address,
276
00:16:31,125 --> 00:16:32,857
this 17 Willowbrook Lane?
Is that it?
277
00:16:32,859 --> 00:16:34,092
Uh-huh.
278
00:16:34,360 --> 00:16:36,061
Miss Houghton,
are you aware
that you, uh,
279
00:16:36,063 --> 00:16:39,129
ran a stop sign
back there on, uh,
Main Street?
280
00:16:39,131 --> 00:16:41,064
Are you gonna
give me a ticket?
No.
281
00:16:41,066 --> 00:16:43,899
First, I'm just gonna
ask you to do a little
test for me.
282
00:16:43,901 --> 00:16:46,968
A test?
I'm gonna ask you
to blow up a balloon.
283
00:16:48,037 --> 00:16:50,304
Oh, I really don't wanna
blow up any balloons.
284
00:16:50,306 --> 00:16:52,139
I mean, the party's over.
285
00:16:52,640 --> 00:16:54,108
What's your name?
286
00:16:54,743 --> 00:16:56,976
What?
Your name?
287
00:16:57,745 --> 00:16:59,244
John Heintzel.
288
00:16:59,246 --> 00:17:01,713
What do your
friends call you?
289
00:17:03,383 --> 00:17:04,649
Jack.
290
00:17:04,651 --> 00:17:06,884
Jack, I really wanna
have a cup of coffee
291
00:17:06,886 --> 00:17:09,152
with someone I can talk to.
292
00:17:10,254 --> 00:17:11,955
What do you wanna do?
293
00:17:18,661 --> 00:17:20,895
I could use
a cup of coffee.
294
00:17:22,231 --> 00:17:24,832
Why don't I follow you
to your place.
295
00:17:25,400 --> 00:17:28,167
No, that's no good.
296
00:17:28,835 --> 00:17:30,069
(MUTTERS)
297
00:17:31,071 --> 00:17:32,237
What?
298
00:17:32,505 --> 00:17:34,139
My wife is there.
299
00:17:34,573 --> 00:17:35,740
You're married?
300
00:17:35,742 --> 00:17:37,907
Yeah, isn't everybody?
301
00:17:37,909 --> 00:17:39,076
No.
302
00:17:39,078 --> 00:17:43,079
No, some people are single,
some people are--are
separated.
303
00:17:43,081 --> 00:17:45,247
Some people are
just damned abandoned!
304
00:17:45,249 --> 00:17:46,614
So why don't you
get back into your car
305
00:17:46,616 --> 00:17:48,083
and go home,
where you belong.
306
00:17:48,085 --> 00:17:52,919
You goddamn son of a bitch!
Hey, hey, hey, hey,
ma'am, ma'am. Hey, hey.
307
00:17:52,921 --> 00:17:55,755
Lousy, cheating
son of a bitch!
Hey, hey!
308
00:17:55,757 --> 00:17:57,457
Listen to me!
Oh!
309
00:17:57,459 --> 00:17:59,091
You swing that purse
one more time,
310
00:17:59,093 --> 00:18:01,626
I'm gonna
put you under arrest,
do you understand that?
311
00:18:01,628 --> 00:18:04,162
Arrest me.
I want you to arrest me.
312
00:18:04,929 --> 00:18:06,131
Because when you arrest me,
313
00:18:06,133 --> 00:18:07,765
I know I'm entitled
to one phone call
314
00:18:07,767 --> 00:18:11,434
and you know
who that phone call's
gonna be to, don't you?
315
00:18:12,102 --> 00:18:13,503
Don't you?
316
00:18:19,308 --> 00:18:22,609
Miss Houghton, you--you
have a good evening, okay?
317
00:18:22,611 --> 00:18:26,212
In the future,
I want you to try to
drive a little more carefully.
318
00:18:26,214 --> 00:18:27,614
Good night.
319
00:18:34,953 --> 00:18:36,687
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
320
00:18:46,229 --> 00:18:47,629
My God, so soon.
321
00:18:47,631 --> 00:18:50,631
...ten-speed bike.
That's about all
I can handle, sorry.
322
00:18:50,633 --> 00:18:52,133
Would you like
some coffee?
323
00:18:52,135 --> 00:18:53,534
Thank you.
324
00:18:57,471 --> 00:18:59,204
It's 25 cents.
325
00:19:08,245 --> 00:19:09,680
Hi.
Hi!
326
00:19:09,682 --> 00:19:10,747
How's business?
327
00:19:10,749 --> 00:19:13,349
Got 39 cents for his
Right Guard deodorant.
328
00:19:13,351 --> 00:19:15,083
Have you seen
a lawyer yet?
329
00:19:15,085 --> 00:19:16,918
I saw a lawyer.
What'd he say?
330
00:19:16,920 --> 00:19:18,921
You want it in detail
or just the bottom line?
331
00:19:18,923 --> 00:19:20,321
Well,
can you sell the house?
332
00:19:20,323 --> 00:19:22,323
Community property,
the same with the car.
333
00:19:22,325 --> 00:19:23,523
Would you like
some more coffee?
334
00:19:23,525 --> 00:19:24,825
Oh, sure, thanks.
335
00:19:24,827 --> 00:19:27,359
Can you borrow against
Millard's life insurance?
336
00:19:27,361 --> 00:19:29,261
Not without
his signature.
337
00:19:29,263 --> 00:19:30,830
Can you attach
Millard's salary?
338
00:19:30,832 --> 00:19:32,330
Millard doesn't
get a salary.
339
00:19:32,332 --> 00:19:35,833
He gets a commission on
every building he designs.
340
00:19:35,835 --> 00:19:37,168
(SIGHS)
341
00:19:37,769 --> 00:19:40,270
You're getting
rid of it, I'm glad.
342
00:19:41,205 --> 00:19:43,005
What can you do?
343
00:19:43,007 --> 00:19:44,606
I can move
into his apartment.
344
00:19:44,608 --> 00:19:46,008
Millard has
an apartment?
345
00:19:46,010 --> 00:19:48,210
No, the lawyer.
He made me an offer.
346
00:19:48,212 --> 00:19:49,710
What did you say?
347
00:19:49,712 --> 00:19:52,513
Well, he's kind of cute,
so I said yes,
348
00:19:52,515 --> 00:19:55,516
until I realized
he meant as his maid.
349
00:19:55,883 --> 00:19:57,050
Help is hard to get.
350
00:19:57,052 --> 00:19:58,384
I know.
351
00:19:58,386 --> 00:20:00,853
Come on, Elaine,
don't give up.
Remember?
352
00:20:00,855 --> 00:20:02,887
Eugene High
knows how to fight,
353
00:20:02,889 --> 00:20:04,722
even if it takes
all night!
354
00:20:04,724 --> 00:20:06,791
Come on, Louise,
you remember!
Oh, Lord.
355
00:20:06,793 --> 00:20:10,060
BOTH: So we'll scratch
and bite till we knock
'em out of sight!
356
00:20:10,062 --> 00:20:12,127
Yay, team!
357
00:20:13,231 --> 00:20:15,231
No wonder we never
won a game.
Oh.
358
00:20:15,233 --> 00:20:17,265
We still haven't.
Oh, God.
359
00:20:18,400 --> 00:20:19,867
(GUN FIRING)
360
00:20:19,869 --> 00:20:21,401
Jesus, what the hell
was that?
361
00:20:21,403 --> 00:20:22,803
(SCREAMING)
362
00:20:23,972 --> 00:20:25,539
Oh, I'm sorry.
363
00:20:25,541 --> 00:20:27,540
Save the fish!
364
00:20:28,041 --> 00:20:30,375
Hello, Natalie.
Look, there's a little one.
365
00:20:30,377 --> 00:20:32,477
Elaine, I dropped by to see
366
00:20:32,479 --> 00:20:34,045
if you changed your mind
about helping us
367
00:20:34,047 --> 00:20:36,213
for the shopping
center anniversary show
368
00:20:36,215 --> 00:20:38,481
and I found this.
How much?
369
00:20:38,483 --> 00:20:40,049
You don't really
want that, Natalie.
370
00:20:40,051 --> 00:20:42,418
Oh, I need it
for protection.
371
00:20:42,420 --> 00:20:44,319
Every week I drive home
from art school,
372
00:20:44,321 --> 00:20:47,889
and this big
oversexed animal
follows me in his car.
373
00:20:47,891 --> 00:20:50,157
Last night
he almost caught me.
374
00:20:50,559 --> 00:20:52,959
What would you do
if you were me?
375
00:20:53,394 --> 00:20:54,828
Drive slower.
376
00:20:56,062 --> 00:20:59,064
MAN: I've got four of them.
Anybody else?
377
00:20:59,066 --> 00:21:00,065
(WHOOPS)
378
00:21:00,067 --> 00:21:01,267
I've got one.
379
00:21:01,269 --> 00:21:04,068
Elaine, how about
the anniversary pageant?
380
00:21:04,070 --> 00:21:05,569
(GUN CLICKS)
381
00:21:05,571 --> 00:21:07,938
We're all meeting at
my house Monday morning.
382
00:21:07,940 --> 00:21:10,474
I'll call you, Natalie.
I promise.
383
00:21:20,081 --> 00:21:22,516
I'll give you 10 bucks
for this racquet, Elaine.
384
00:21:22,518 --> 00:21:24,250
It's a deal, Jerry.
385
00:21:24,252 --> 00:21:26,319
Say, did Millard
have any balls?
386
00:21:30,924 --> 00:21:32,757
No, I can't.
It's too easy.
387
00:21:32,759 --> 00:21:34,591
Uh, in there,
next to the freezer,
388
00:21:34,593 --> 00:21:38,028
the yellow can,
all you can find,
go with the racquet, okay?
389
00:21:45,302 --> 00:21:48,770
JANE: Well, what is it?
A ball filled with real money?
390
00:21:51,606 --> 00:21:53,273
It says,
"The entire gross
391
00:21:53,275 --> 00:21:55,275
"of the first day of
the anniversary sale
392
00:21:55,277 --> 00:21:56,776
"here at Valley River
Shopping Center
393
00:21:56,778 --> 00:21:58,110
"is going to be put inside,
394
00:21:58,112 --> 00:22:00,378
"and the person who guesses
closest to the amount
395
00:22:00,380 --> 00:22:05,449
"will win a two-week
all-expenses-paid trip to
Hawaii for the entire family."
396
00:22:05,884 --> 00:22:08,785
Gosh, if I entered
that contest,
397
00:22:08,787 --> 00:22:14,156
and I won four and an eighth
round-trip tickets to Hawaii,
398
00:22:14,158 --> 00:22:16,958
and I cashed it in,
I'd have nearly $2000.
399
00:22:16,960 --> 00:22:19,460
Why don't we
just become hookers
and rent a motel room?
400
00:22:19,462 --> 00:22:23,630
We'd starve to death.
There's 12,000 college girls
in this town giving it away.
401
00:22:23,899 --> 00:22:29,133
I know. We could kidnap
Natalie and her husband
would pay us $100,000
402
00:22:29,135 --> 00:22:30,169
not to send her back.
403
00:22:30,171 --> 00:22:32,036
That's a good idea.
404
00:22:44,080 --> 00:22:45,480
My treat.
405
00:22:45,482 --> 00:22:47,047
Oh, thank you.
406
00:22:47,248 --> 00:22:48,583
Thank you, Louise.
407
00:22:48,585 --> 00:22:50,150
Oh, I don't know.
408
00:22:51,319 --> 00:22:54,053
There's just got to be
some way we can make money.
409
00:22:54,355 --> 00:22:56,656
We could
make porno flicks
and all wear masks.
410
00:22:56,658 --> 00:22:58,824
No, Robert and I got
bombed out one night.
411
00:22:58,826 --> 00:23:01,659
We put a little "I love you"
tattoo on my ankle.
412
00:23:01,661 --> 00:23:04,061
Okay, we'll wear masks,
you wear socks.
413
00:23:04,996 --> 00:23:07,365
Come on,
let's get out of here.
414
00:23:07,367 --> 00:23:10,333
What do you think
about a doggie bag
for the butter?
415
00:23:10,335 --> 00:23:12,067
Aw, the hell with it.
416
00:23:17,673 --> 00:23:20,240
No, Albert,
I'm not in the mood.
417
00:23:20,842 --> 00:23:23,009
When will you
be in the mood?
418
00:23:23,011 --> 00:23:25,545
Probably not
for a long time.
419
00:23:25,547 --> 00:23:27,346
I'm very depressed.
420
00:23:27,848 --> 00:23:32,049
Albert,
I think I'm going
to lose the store.
421
00:23:32,051 --> 00:23:35,586
Louise, I swear to you,
there is no money.
422
00:23:35,854 --> 00:23:38,221
If you only knew what is
going on in that hospital.
423
00:23:38,223 --> 00:23:40,189
It's not only the IRS.
424
00:23:40,191 --> 00:23:42,358
I'm in deep
financial trouble,
425
00:23:42,559 --> 00:23:44,426
and I need you to hold me,
426
00:23:44,861 --> 00:23:46,761
to hug me, to kiss me.
427
00:23:47,229 --> 00:23:50,563
To reassure me
that everything isn't
as hopeless as it looks.
428
00:23:50,565 --> 00:23:55,035
The only thing that's
hopeless, Albert, is that
you're horny 24 hours a day.
429
00:23:55,037 --> 00:24:00,238
Prices aren't just going
sky-high at gasoline stations
and supermarkets, you know.
430
00:24:00,240 --> 00:24:01,540
The cost of
medicine alone
431
00:24:01,542 --> 00:24:03,041
has tripled in
the last five years.
432
00:24:03,043 --> 00:24:04,708
Do you know what
I did today, Louise?
433
00:24:04,710 --> 00:24:05,776
Do you?
434
00:24:05,778 --> 00:24:09,713
I sold a used flea collar
to a cocker spaniel. Yes!
435
00:24:09,715 --> 00:24:11,714
And tomorrow,
I may remove
a cat's appendix,
436
00:24:11,716 --> 00:24:13,715
whether he wants me
to remove it or not!
437
00:24:13,717 --> 00:24:15,550
Why? Because
I need the money!
438
00:24:15,918 --> 00:24:18,453
No, baby,
I'm not horny.
439
00:24:18,888 --> 00:24:20,621
I'm scared.
440
00:24:20,889 --> 00:24:23,489
I'm scared of
what I'm turning into.
441
00:24:23,491 --> 00:24:25,425
And I need the touch
of the woman I love
442
00:24:25,427 --> 00:24:28,827
to make me feel
clean and decent again.
443
00:24:32,497 --> 00:24:35,632
Albert, you're so full
of shit, but I love you.
444
00:24:36,000 --> 00:24:37,168
Come here.
445
00:24:42,072 --> 00:24:43,805
(DOORBELL RINGING)
446
00:24:44,006 --> 00:24:45,239
Who could that be?
447
00:24:45,241 --> 00:24:48,476
If we turn out the light,
maybe they'll go away.
448
00:24:48,911 --> 00:24:50,510
(DOORBELL RINGING)
449
00:24:51,245 --> 00:24:52,579
No, Albert,
I better get it.
450
00:24:52,581 --> 00:24:54,480
All right. Uh...
451
00:24:54,782 --> 00:24:57,583
(STAMMERING)
452
00:24:57,585 --> 00:24:59,184
(STUTTERING) Before you
answer the door, Louise,
453
00:24:59,186 --> 00:25:02,019
there's something
I forgot to tell you!
454
00:25:02,754 --> 00:25:04,489
(DOORBELL RINGING)
455
00:25:04,856 --> 00:25:06,590
(DOG BARKING)
456
00:25:15,631 --> 00:25:16,931
Yes?
457
00:25:16,933 --> 00:25:18,666
Mrs. Louise Travis?
458
00:25:18,967 --> 00:25:20,767
That's me.
Here.
459
00:25:20,968 --> 00:25:22,103
What's this?
460
00:25:22,105 --> 00:25:23,670
It's a summons.
461
00:25:23,938 --> 00:25:25,205
For what?
462
00:25:25,972 --> 00:25:28,540
I think you're being sued.
463
00:25:28,542 --> 00:25:29,607
By whom?
464
00:25:30,776 --> 00:25:32,276
Your husband.
465
00:25:42,452 --> 00:25:45,487
I thought you said
you wanted to have
a family.
466
00:25:45,489 --> 00:25:48,388
Well,
I didn't figure
it would be so soon.
467
00:25:50,158 --> 00:25:52,292
God,
if only I had $25,000,
468
00:25:52,294 --> 00:25:54,327
I could buy old man
Wheeler out myself.
469
00:25:54,329 --> 00:25:56,795
That's all he wants,
$25,000.
470
00:25:56,797 --> 00:25:58,864
That could be our store.
471
00:25:59,465 --> 00:26:00,665
It's all my father's fault.
472
00:26:00,667 --> 00:26:03,634
I could kill him for what
he did in World War II.
473
00:26:03,636 --> 00:26:05,235
Who, Max? The ex-Marine?
474
00:26:05,237 --> 00:26:09,139
I thought he was a big hero,
helped, uh, beat the bad guys
single-handedly.
475
00:26:09,141 --> 00:26:10,806
That's what he did wrong!
476
00:26:10,808 --> 00:26:12,307
If we'd lost the dumb war,
477
00:26:12,309 --> 00:26:14,175
then the Japanese
and the Germans
could've lent us
478
00:26:14,177 --> 00:26:16,644
the $600 billion
to rebuild our economy
479
00:26:16,646 --> 00:26:19,480
the way we lent it
to them to rebuild theirs.
480
00:26:19,482 --> 00:26:22,149
That way,
we would have the Sonys,
we would have the Toyotas,
481
00:26:22,151 --> 00:26:23,349
and we would
have the Mercedes,
482
00:26:23,351 --> 00:26:25,151
and they could have
the DC-10s and the Edsels
483
00:26:25,153 --> 00:26:26,752
and Lawrence Welk.
484
00:26:30,089 --> 00:26:32,489
How much money
did you say you needed?
485
00:26:32,491 --> 00:26:33,924
$250.
486
00:26:35,994 --> 00:26:39,228
You have $24,750
in the bank?
487
00:26:39,663 --> 00:26:42,230
I've got $57 in the bank.
488
00:26:43,698 --> 00:26:47,902
I, uh...
I need $250 for you.
489
00:26:49,371 --> 00:26:50,770
What for?
490
00:26:57,610 --> 00:26:58,676
Oh.
491
00:27:00,345 --> 00:27:02,380
Why didn't you tell me
you were going to sue me?
492
00:27:02,382 --> 00:27:04,515
I was going to tell you.
I was going to tell you.
493
00:27:04,517 --> 00:27:06,283
I was just about to
when the doorbell rang.
494
00:27:06,285 --> 00:27:08,350
I'm sorry, baby,
but I had no choice.
I really didn't!
495
00:27:08,352 --> 00:27:10,119
Please, don't be angry
at me, Louise!
496
00:27:10,121 --> 00:27:12,188
How dare you apologize
when you're taking me
to court!
497
00:27:12,190 --> 00:27:13,688
Well, what do you
want me to do?
498
00:27:13,690 --> 00:27:16,357
Jump up and down
and scream, yell!
499
00:27:16,359 --> 00:27:17,691
Would that
make you feel better?
500
00:27:17,693 --> 00:27:19,459
Yes, 'cause I hate
punching a coward.
501
00:27:19,461 --> 00:27:21,295
Louise, they say
the $36,000 I loaned you...
502
00:27:21,297 --> 00:27:24,463
Gave me, Albert.
How many times do I
have to tell you, gave me?
503
00:27:24,465 --> 00:27:26,064
Loaned you!
Gave me!
504
00:27:26,066 --> 00:27:27,699
Loaned!
Gave!
505
00:27:27,701 --> 00:27:28,766
(GRUNTS)
506
00:27:30,703 --> 00:27:31,936
Louise.
507
00:27:33,071 --> 00:27:34,804
Louise, stop it!
508
00:27:34,806 --> 00:27:36,573
It's not me,
it the rotten government!
509
00:27:36,575 --> 00:27:38,374
If I don't sue you,
they're gonna nail me
510
00:27:38,376 --> 00:27:40,709
for thousands of dollars
in taxes I don't have!
511
00:27:40,711 --> 00:27:42,244
I love you.
You love me?
512
00:27:42,246 --> 00:27:43,811
Yes. And I know
how you must feel,
513
00:27:43,813 --> 00:27:45,246
but try not to
take it personally.
514
00:27:45,248 --> 00:27:46,880
It's only business.
Can't you understand that?
515
00:27:46,882 --> 00:27:48,482
Of course I understand that.
516
00:27:48,484 --> 00:27:50,550
And this is only personal!
517
00:27:52,986 --> 00:27:55,720
Next time you wanna
go in business with me,
518
00:27:55,722 --> 00:27:57,223
just knock on
the door to the den
519
00:27:57,225 --> 00:27:59,057
'cause that's
where I'll be living.
520
00:27:59,059 --> 00:28:01,593
Louise. You're making
too much out of this.
521
00:28:01,595 --> 00:28:03,927
It's all very simple.
522
00:28:03,929 --> 00:28:06,997
I sue you, you go bankrupt,
we're even.
523
00:28:06,999 --> 00:28:09,065
Even? We're even, Albert?
Yeah.
524
00:28:09,067 --> 00:28:13,235
You put me out of business
with a bankruptcy sign in
the window of my store
525
00:28:13,237 --> 00:28:16,071
for everybody in town
to see and we're even?
526
00:28:16,073 --> 00:28:18,606
No, Albert, we're not even.
We'll never be even!
527
00:28:18,608 --> 00:28:22,175
Louise, remember
what Lincoln said.
528
00:28:22,942 --> 00:28:26,845
"A house divided against
itself cannot long stand."
529
00:28:28,448 --> 00:28:29,747
He also said,
530
00:28:29,749 --> 00:28:32,249
"You can fool
some of the people
some of the time,
531
00:28:32,251 --> 00:28:34,951
"but you can't fool
all of the people
all of the time."
532
00:28:34,953 --> 00:28:36,086
He also said,
533
00:28:36,088 --> 00:28:39,989
"With malice toward none,
and charity to all."
534
00:28:41,090 --> 00:28:43,092
And the last thing
he said, Albert, was,
535
00:28:43,094 --> 00:28:46,094
"Look, honey, I've got
these two great seats
for the theater tonight."
536
00:28:46,096 --> 00:28:48,362
Why did I
bring up Lincoln?
537
00:28:48,364 --> 00:28:51,098
Louise, come back.
I love you!
538
00:28:51,100 --> 00:28:52,432
LOUISE:
Kiss my ass!
539
00:28:52,434 --> 00:28:54,433
Right! I wanna make up!
540
00:28:55,369 --> 00:28:56,868
(CAR HORN HONKING)
541
00:29:05,943 --> 00:29:08,443
How you doing,
Miss Houghton?
Hi, Mike.
542
00:29:08,445 --> 00:29:13,448
Jesus, nine cents
more from last week.
That's incredible!
543
00:29:13,450 --> 00:29:14,882
Well, it's not us.
544
00:29:14,884 --> 00:29:20,120
I'm still making the same
amount of money on a gallon
of gasoline as I did in 1958.
545
00:29:20,122 --> 00:29:22,222
You must've made
a bundle in '58.
546
00:29:22,224 --> 00:29:23,322
I'll switch to regular.
547
00:29:23,324 --> 00:29:25,291
No, I'm sorry, ma'am,
you can't do that.
548
00:29:25,293 --> 00:29:27,158
See, your car
takes lead-free.
549
00:29:27,160 --> 00:29:31,195
The regular gas,
the nozzle's too big.
It won't fit in your tank.
550
00:29:31,563 --> 00:29:34,398
Well, shove it in.
Use Vaseline if you have to.
551
00:29:36,466 --> 00:29:40,536
No, you see,
the idea is to keep
your car free from pollutants.
552
00:29:54,147 --> 00:29:55,714
(SQUEAKING)
553
00:30:00,919 --> 00:30:02,919
I'm sorry, Mrs. Houghton,
554
00:30:03,321 --> 00:30:06,323
but, your, uh,
card's been cancelled.
555
00:30:06,757 --> 00:30:09,158
What?
Yeah, it-- it's
in the new book.
556
00:30:09,160 --> 00:30:10,758
Well, here, let me see...
Oh, oh, oh!
557
00:30:10,760 --> 00:30:13,395
I can't let you have it.
It's a $25 reward.
558
00:30:16,864 --> 00:30:21,267
Mike,
did I mention that
my husband's out of town?
559
00:30:21,269 --> 00:30:23,102
I heard he ran away
with his secretary.
560
00:30:23,104 --> 00:30:24,403
(CHUCKLING) Yeah.
561
00:30:24,871 --> 00:30:26,938
Do you know
what that does to
a woman's confidence?
562
00:30:26,940 --> 00:30:29,673
No, but it sure does
lousy things to her credit.
563
00:30:33,678 --> 00:30:37,380
A girl needs a strong,
virile man
564
00:30:37,382 --> 00:30:40,450
to help her get back
into the swing, you know?
565
00:30:41,451 --> 00:30:43,118
You know, Mrs. Houghton,
566
00:30:43,120 --> 00:30:46,020
I have no respect for a woman
who does it for money.
567
00:30:46,388 --> 00:30:47,921
Let alone gasoline.
568
00:30:50,391 --> 00:30:51,858
How much do I owe you?
73 cents.
569
00:30:51,860 --> 00:30:53,792
I'll write you a check.
570
00:30:58,398 --> 00:30:59,530
I don't believe it!
571
00:30:59,532 --> 00:31:02,432
Mom threw you out
and moved a friend in?
572
00:31:02,734 --> 00:31:03,800
When?
573
00:31:04,302 --> 00:31:07,770
This afternoon,
1320 hours.
574
00:31:08,071 --> 00:31:09,472
What's his name?
575
00:31:10,407 --> 00:31:11,473
His name?
576
00:31:13,042 --> 00:31:16,043
His name is Shirley.
577
00:31:17,046 --> 00:31:23,215
That's right, your mother,
age 64, has joined the Sun
City Gay Liberation Movement.
578
00:31:25,051 --> 00:31:27,953
But that's impossible.
579
00:31:28,554 --> 00:31:31,055
All I ever remember
Mom telling me was
580
00:31:31,057 --> 00:31:35,291
how much she loved you
and--and that she would
never look at another man.
581
00:31:35,893 --> 00:31:39,128
Of course, she never did
mention another woman.
582
00:31:40,996 --> 00:31:42,397
What about you, Dad?
583
00:31:42,399 --> 00:31:44,399
Have you always
been faithful?
584
00:31:44,401 --> 00:31:49,236
Oh, baby, Semper Fidelis,
ever faithful.
585
00:31:49,736 --> 00:31:53,239
In the Marines or in
the bedroom, 36 years.
586
00:31:53,673 --> 00:31:58,476
Well, now, where can I bunk
till this crazy broad decides
to go straight again?
587
00:31:59,412 --> 00:32:03,147
There's a lovely little
Holiday Inn right around
the corner.
588
00:32:03,848 --> 00:32:05,848
Oh, honey,
come on, now, give...
589
00:32:06,950 --> 00:32:10,818
Give the old sarge
a--a second choice?
Hmm?
590
00:32:15,690 --> 00:32:18,358
Maybe you could stay here
with me and the kids.
591
00:32:18,360 --> 00:32:20,360
Hey, that's a great idea!
592
00:32:20,362 --> 00:32:21,594
Yeah,
I'd be like a father.
593
00:32:21,596 --> 00:32:23,195
I'll teach 'em
everything I know.
594
00:32:23,197 --> 00:32:25,597
What's-- What's
the battle plan?
595
00:32:25,599 --> 00:32:26,931
Dad, do you remember
that old couch
596
00:32:26,933 --> 00:32:28,466
from Camp Pendleton
that you and Mom
597
00:32:28,468 --> 00:32:30,101
gave me and Tom
when we got married?
598
00:32:30,103 --> 00:32:31,436
It's still in the den.
599
00:32:31,438 --> 00:32:35,104
Oh, Pendleton, the...
Oh, yeah.
600
00:32:35,106 --> 00:32:38,441
Oh, do I remember that.
Where are the blankets
and the sheets?
601
00:32:38,443 --> 00:32:40,109
The hall closet,
top shelf.
602
00:32:40,111 --> 00:32:43,011
Hall closet, top shelf.
Aye, aye, Captain.
603
00:32:43,945 --> 00:32:47,213
Hey, don't look so worried.
604
00:32:49,050 --> 00:32:50,483
It'll only be
a little while.
605
00:32:50,485 --> 00:32:52,717
I... I'll stay
out of your way.
606
00:32:52,719 --> 00:32:54,786
You won't even know I'm here.
607
00:32:54,788 --> 00:32:56,353
And, uh, uh...
608
00:32:57,623 --> 00:33:00,291
I'll keep my mouth shut.
609
00:33:01,892 --> 00:33:03,693
Okay, Dad.
610
00:33:16,305 --> 00:33:19,473
Hi, Fred.
Is there something
I can help you with?
611
00:33:20,507 --> 00:33:24,844
Wait, don't tell me,
it's Aggie's birthday
this Sunday, isn't it?
612
00:33:24,846 --> 00:33:27,078
I'm gonna have to take
these from you,
Mrs. Travis.
613
00:33:27,080 --> 00:33:29,513
(CHUCKLING)
Oh, Fred, I mean,
you can't take anything.
614
00:33:29,515 --> 00:33:30,914
You have to pay for it.
615
00:33:31,516 --> 00:33:37,153
You know, this is an authentic
19th-century English
jailer's ring.
616
00:33:38,321 --> 00:33:40,155
I got another one around
here somewhere.
617
00:33:40,157 --> 00:33:41,655
I'm sorry, Louise.
618
00:33:42,325 --> 00:33:45,493
"By order of the
Ninth District Municipal
Court of Eugene, Oregon,
619
00:33:45,495 --> 00:33:48,094
"no business transactions
can occur on the premises
known as
620
00:33:48,096 --> 00:33:49,661
"Ye Olde Antique Shoppe,
621
00:33:49,663 --> 00:33:50,997
"until such time
as the case of
622
00:33:50,999 --> 00:33:53,098
"Travis v. Travis
is adjudicated.
623
00:33:53,766 --> 00:33:55,267
"Signed, Judge Towers."
624
00:33:56,602 --> 00:33:58,336
I'm sorry, Louise,
625
00:33:58,338 --> 00:34:00,872
but this court order says
I have to take the keys
to the store.
626
00:34:00,874 --> 00:34:04,407
Oh, my God.
I'm locking the front door
until further notice.
627
00:34:09,513 --> 00:34:10,579
Hi, Mom.
628
00:34:12,882 --> 00:34:14,114
Don't "Hi, Mom" me.
629
00:34:14,116 --> 00:34:16,016
What are you doing here?
It's nearly 4:30!
630
00:34:16,018 --> 00:34:18,017
You're supposed to
be at the dentist!
I went already.
631
00:34:18,019 --> 00:34:19,186
Don't give me that.
632
00:34:19,188 --> 00:34:21,020
Lookit,
I'm not gonna have one
of my kids growing up
633
00:34:21,022 --> 00:34:22,888
with crooked teeth because
he's afraid of a little pain
634
00:34:22,890 --> 00:34:25,190
when his retainer
is tightened.
Mom, that's my pitching arm!
635
00:34:25,192 --> 00:34:28,627
Right! Now, listen,
get on your bike and go
to the dentist, right now!
636
00:34:28,629 --> 00:34:30,895
I can't!
What do you mean, you can't?
637
00:34:30,897 --> 00:34:32,629
Okay, I'll take you,
you little coward.
638
00:34:32,631 --> 00:34:34,297
I'm not a coward!
639
00:34:34,964 --> 00:34:38,100
Here. The dentist
told me to give you that.
640
00:34:42,404 --> 00:34:45,606
He said
not to come back
till you paid the bill.
641
00:34:49,544 --> 00:34:52,111
ELAINE: Damn, I'm out of gas.
642
00:34:53,045 --> 00:34:54,112
Shit.
643
00:35:19,099 --> 00:35:20,732
WOMAN:Automobile Club.
644
00:35:20,734 --> 00:35:22,668
I'm sorry,but all our agents are busy.
645
00:35:22,670 --> 00:35:25,404
Please stay on the lineand enjoy highlightsfrom Oklahoma!
646
00:35:25,406 --> 00:35:27,972
Oh, Jesus Christ! Come on!
647
00:36:13,941 --> 00:36:16,009
Hello, Louise.
648
00:37:24,530 --> 00:37:28,499
I know what you said
on the phone, Elaine,
but it won't work.
649
00:37:28,501 --> 00:37:30,501
We've got to make it work.
What choice do we have?
650
00:37:30,503 --> 00:37:32,001
We have a choice.
651
00:37:32,003 --> 00:37:34,903
We can all go
back home now
and go to sleep.
652
00:37:35,838 --> 00:37:38,005
Look, I don't know
if it can be done.
Not in seven days.
653
00:37:38,007 --> 00:37:40,575
This thing has to be
carefully thought out.
654
00:37:41,109 --> 00:37:43,344
What have we got to lose?
I mean, the worse that
can happen to us
655
00:37:43,346 --> 00:37:45,345
if we get caught
is that we'll go
to jail, right?
656
00:37:45,347 --> 00:37:48,181
Yes, Jane,
for a very long time.
657
00:37:48,949 --> 00:37:50,516
WOMAN ON PA:Security to entrance four.
658
00:37:50,518 --> 00:37:52,184
Okay, here it is,
bottom line.
659
00:37:52,186 --> 00:37:56,621
In seven days, we've got
to figure out how to get
to the Money Ball,
660
00:37:56,623 --> 00:37:59,956
how to get into it,
how to get the money
out of it
661
00:37:59,958 --> 00:38:02,358
and how to get away
without being caught.
662
00:38:02,360 --> 00:38:06,028
Come on, Louise, think.
There's got to be some
way to get to that money.
663
00:38:06,030 --> 00:38:08,797
LOUISE:
Only one way.
From underneath.
664
00:38:08,799 --> 00:38:12,966
We'd have to dig a tunnel
from the bank of the river
to under here.
665
00:38:13,701 --> 00:38:16,703
Then once we got here,
we'd still have to
figure out a way
666
00:38:16,705 --> 00:38:20,038
to cut a hole
up through the floor
and get the money out of it.
667
00:38:20,040 --> 00:38:22,274
God, it's gonna be tough.
668
00:38:22,808 --> 00:38:24,876
Let's take a walk,
okay?
669
00:38:30,147 --> 00:38:32,381
Why are you being
so negative, Louise?
670
00:38:32,383 --> 00:38:35,250
I'm not being negative,
I'm being realistic.
671
00:38:35,252 --> 00:38:37,719
I mean, one,
how do we do it?
672
00:38:37,721 --> 00:38:40,887
I mean, we've gotta plan
this out, step by step.
673
00:38:41,556 --> 00:38:45,559
Two, if there is a way,
can we do it?
674
00:38:45,561 --> 00:38:47,259
I mean, are we
gutty enough to do it?
675
00:38:47,261 --> 00:38:49,095
Oh, look, if men
are gutty enough to
do it, I don't see why...
676
00:38:49,097 --> 00:38:51,831
Men are gutty enough
in the movies, Elaine.
In the movies.
677
00:38:51,833 --> 00:38:54,165
I mean,
where in real life
did you ever see,
678
00:38:54,167 --> 00:38:56,066
hear or read
about anybody
679
00:38:56,068 --> 00:38:57,568
getting away with it?
680
00:38:57,570 --> 00:38:59,335
The Brinks Robbery,
Miami Beach!
681
00:38:59,337 --> 00:39:04,240
It was Boston, and once
they caught one of 'em,
he confessed in five minutes.
682
00:39:04,242 --> 00:39:07,175
The other seven are doing
10 years-to-life.
683
00:39:09,946 --> 00:39:11,512
It'll be tough.
684
00:39:17,083 --> 00:39:19,452
I'll be in charge of
phase one of the operation,
685
00:39:19,454 --> 00:39:25,156
Elaine, you be in charge
of phase two, execution,
if we ever get that far.
686
00:39:25,957 --> 00:39:27,592
What should I do?
687
00:39:27,594 --> 00:39:29,459
I--I don't know.
Besides getting
knocked up,
688
00:39:29,461 --> 00:39:31,194
what's your specialty?
689
00:39:33,096 --> 00:39:34,863
Hey, I--I am an expert
in one area.
690
00:39:34,865 --> 00:39:36,432
I mean, I don't know
if it'll do us any good,
691
00:39:36,434 --> 00:39:39,200
but you never know
with the river nearby.
692
00:39:39,202 --> 00:39:42,436
What's that?
I can row a canoe.
693
00:39:42,438 --> 00:39:45,706
That is my specialty.
I was canoe counselor at camp.
694
00:39:45,708 --> 00:39:50,175
We used to get into
these canoes at night
and sing old Indian songs.
695
00:39:50,476 --> 00:39:54,613
♪ Oh, the moon shines
on the pretty red wing
696
00:39:54,615 --> 00:39:56,647
♪ The breezes sighing
697
00:39:56,649 --> 00:39:58,682
♪ The red birds cry... ♪
698
00:40:00,284 --> 00:40:02,518
I canoe better than I sing.
699
00:40:05,622 --> 00:40:07,688
I mean, there it was.
700
00:40:08,457 --> 00:40:10,158
Is that incredible?
701
00:40:10,160 --> 00:40:12,559
Wait a minute, Elaine,
say that again.
702
00:40:12,561 --> 00:40:13,960
We don't have
to dig a tunnel?
703
00:40:13,962 --> 00:40:17,496
I just found Millard's plansfor the shopping centerand guess what?
704
00:40:17,498 --> 00:40:19,465
They done dug one for us.
705
00:40:20,299 --> 00:40:21,867
I know.
706
00:40:23,636 --> 00:40:27,137
Uh, operator, if he's not
at the Howard Johnson's
Motor Lodge in Omaha,
707
00:40:27,139 --> 00:40:31,542
try the one in San Diego,
and if he's not there,
try the one in Denver.
708
00:40:32,009 --> 00:40:34,310
Millard loves
their ice cream.
709
00:40:34,844 --> 00:40:36,545
Thank you.
710
00:40:38,313 --> 00:40:40,148
Richard, you're his partner.
Where'd he go?
711
00:40:40,150 --> 00:40:42,349
Oh, I wish I knew.
712
00:40:42,351 --> 00:40:44,317
You know,
that son of a bitch
still owes me $20
713
00:40:44,319 --> 00:40:46,919
on the Oregon State-
S.C. game last Saturday?
714
00:40:47,987 --> 00:40:49,822
And what brings you here?
715
00:40:49,824 --> 00:40:51,223
The truth?
716
00:40:51,825 --> 00:40:54,859
The truth is I'm trying
to get this drawer unlocked.
717
00:40:54,861 --> 00:40:57,861
Millard always kept
some dimes in here
for the parking meter.
718
00:40:57,863 --> 00:41:01,164
Elaine, what's really
in that drawer?
719
00:41:02,999 --> 00:41:05,333
I don't know,
but it's locked,
720
00:41:05,335 --> 00:41:07,169
so it must be
something interesting.
721
00:41:07,171 --> 00:41:09,771
Oh, yeah? Let me try.
722
00:41:10,439 --> 00:41:12,105
Okay.
723
00:41:13,608 --> 00:41:15,441
Let's see. Let's see.
724
00:41:29,286 --> 00:41:31,954
Okay, this is
the conveyor belt.
725
00:41:31,956 --> 00:41:33,956
The garbage runs
along the conveyor belt.
726
00:41:33,958 --> 00:41:36,391
It goes all the way
behind the stores
727
00:41:36,393 --> 00:41:39,560
down here to the river
where it's picked up
by a barge.
728
00:41:39,562 --> 00:41:43,430
This is the tunnel.
It goes all the way
to there.
729
00:41:44,565 --> 00:41:46,533
Oh, this is gonna
be scary.
730
00:41:46,535 --> 00:41:49,134
I've never
stolen anything
in my entire life.
731
00:41:49,136 --> 00:41:50,869
You stole my notes
for the Latin final.
732
00:41:50,871 --> 00:41:52,538
That doesn't count.
I got a D on that.
733
00:41:52,540 --> 00:41:55,540
Jane, this time,
we've got to get
an A, all right?
734
00:41:55,542 --> 00:41:57,107
I know.
An A.
735
00:41:57,876 --> 00:42:00,710
You realize
that we're talking about
nearly a million dollars here?
736
00:42:00,712 --> 00:42:03,546
Okay, look.
Here's where
the Money Ball is,
737
00:42:03,548 --> 00:42:06,214
right above the central
air conditioning unit.
738
00:42:06,216 --> 00:42:07,482
That's the closest
store there.
739
00:42:08,216 --> 00:42:09,950
JANE: I wonder what it is.
740
00:42:10,252 --> 00:42:13,953
LOUISE: I don't know,but I'll sure find outtomorrow.
741
00:42:16,590 --> 00:42:18,223
I'll just throw these away.
742
00:42:18,225 --> 00:42:20,792
Are you crazy?
Give 'em to his
little brother.
743
00:42:30,401 --> 00:42:33,002
MAN: Little bummer's got
two different-sized feet.
744
00:42:33,004 --> 00:42:35,904
I swear, the left one's
a whole size bigger
than the right.
745
00:42:35,906 --> 00:42:39,073
Must be inherited.
Did you see
his mother's boobs?
746
00:42:39,075 --> 00:42:40,141
(LAUGHS)
747
00:43:36,118 --> 00:43:39,320
WOMAN ON PA:Will the owner of a blue '79Pinto please move your car?
748
00:43:39,322 --> 00:43:40,621
You're blocking the exit.
749
00:43:40,623 --> 00:43:42,957
I can't wait for you
to meet everybody.
750
00:43:42,959 --> 00:43:46,292
We are doing
the entire history
of Oregon in one hour.
751
00:43:46,294 --> 00:43:48,226
I can do it in 15 minutes.
752
00:43:48,228 --> 00:43:51,663
MAN:
Step, touch. Step together.
Step, touch. Step together.
753
00:43:51,665 --> 00:43:53,965
Nancy, arms.
Step together. Step.
754
00:43:53,967 --> 00:43:56,733
Turn, step, turn.
Step, touch, step.
NATALIE: Hi, everybody.
755
00:43:56,735 --> 00:43:57,968
ELAINE: Hi.
756
00:43:58,569 --> 00:44:00,470
My friend,
Elaine Houghton.
757
00:44:00,472 --> 00:44:02,638
We work very
well together.
758
00:44:02,640 --> 00:44:04,739
This is Tim Lundy.
How do you do?
759
00:44:04,741 --> 00:44:07,241
He represents
the owners of
the shopping mall.
760
00:44:07,243 --> 00:44:11,578
And this is the stage manager
of the entire production,
Aaron.
761
00:44:11,580 --> 00:44:12,813
Hello, Aaron.
Leon.
762
00:44:12,815 --> 00:44:14,146
Leon, I'm sorry.
763
00:44:14,148 --> 00:44:15,648
Leon. That's
what I said. Leon.
764
00:44:15,650 --> 00:44:18,150
Won't you sit down,
Mrs. Houghton?
Thank you.
765
00:44:18,819 --> 00:44:20,485
MAN:
Step, touch, step together.
766
00:44:20,487 --> 00:44:22,320
Girls, smile, step together.
767
00:44:22,322 --> 00:44:23,487
Step, turn.
768
00:44:23,489 --> 00:44:25,755
Come on, ladies.
Three lines,
three lines, please.
769
00:44:25,757 --> 00:44:27,992
Hold it.
Three tight lines.
770
00:44:28,593 --> 00:44:31,394
All right, from the top.
Five, six, seven, eight.
771
00:44:50,776 --> 00:44:52,843
And then we go
to the big Indian scene,
772
00:44:52,845 --> 00:44:55,213
uh, where they break
the treaty.
They break the treaty?
773
00:44:55,215 --> 00:44:57,280
Yeah, followed
by the Indian wars,
774
00:44:57,282 --> 00:45:00,349
then the Civil War,
followed quickly by
the Spanish-American War,
775
00:45:00,351 --> 00:45:02,550
World War I
and World War II,
776
00:45:02,552 --> 00:45:05,186
and then to the
Rose Bowl game of 1959
777
00:45:05,188 --> 00:45:08,355
where we beat Michigan
in the last 70 seconds
with a field goal.
778
00:45:08,357 --> 00:45:12,225
MAN: Leon, will you get
that goddamn piano
into the pit...
779
00:45:12,227 --> 00:45:15,194
Excuse me.
...and plug in
the goddamn guitar?
780
00:46:01,731 --> 00:46:03,498
(PEOPLE CHEERING)
781
00:46:04,733 --> 00:46:06,300
MAX: Out!
782
00:46:11,839 --> 00:46:13,306
Batter up!
783
00:46:17,010 --> 00:46:18,410
BOY: Billy!
784
00:46:18,412 --> 00:46:20,244
Hi, Grandpa.
785
00:46:20,246 --> 00:46:21,913
Shut up and hit!
786
00:46:25,116 --> 00:46:27,918
The major lights are fused
to the master fuse box.
787
00:46:27,920 --> 00:46:32,420
That means
the overhead theater lights,
the mall and the Money Ball.
788
00:46:32,422 --> 00:46:35,423
I can plunge the entire
shopping center into
total darkness
789
00:46:35,425 --> 00:46:37,825
with one flip
of the switch.
790
00:46:38,293 --> 00:46:39,760
(ALL CHEERING)
791
00:46:39,762 --> 00:46:42,829
Attaboy, Billy!
Two more runs batted in!
792
00:46:46,366 --> 00:46:48,100
Now all we have to do
is figure out how to get
793
00:46:48,102 --> 00:46:49,434
the money
out of the Money Ball.
794
00:46:49,436 --> 00:46:50,668
Yeah.
795
00:46:52,037 --> 00:46:55,439
Stop at third!
Stop at third,
you dummy!
796
00:46:55,607 --> 00:46:58,374
MAN: Get it!
Yeah, get it!
Come on! Yeah!
797
00:47:00,110 --> 00:47:01,944
You're out!
798
00:47:01,946 --> 00:47:04,379
No way!
I slid under the tag!
799
00:47:04,714 --> 00:47:06,147
You blind son of a bitch!
800
00:47:06,149 --> 00:47:08,782
He tagged him in the thigh,
you friggin' idiot!
801
00:47:08,784 --> 00:47:10,150
I saw Bad News Bears.
802
00:47:10,152 --> 00:47:12,052
I thought that was
the way the kids talked.
803
00:47:12,054 --> 00:47:14,286
Nobody calls
my son out when he has
only one more home run to win
804
00:47:14,288 --> 00:47:15,888
for the League Championship!
805
00:47:15,890 --> 00:47:18,790
Do you understand me,
you old fart? Do you?
806
00:47:20,726 --> 00:47:21,993
MaHaney,
807
00:47:21,995 --> 00:47:26,562
I have been
wanting to do this
for the past five years.
808
00:47:26,564 --> 00:47:27,663
(GRUNTS)
809
00:47:27,665 --> 00:47:30,199
That's for touching
an umpire!
810
00:47:30,834 --> 00:47:32,167
(GROANS)
811
00:47:32,169 --> 00:47:34,736
And that's for
leaving my daughter!
812
00:47:35,303 --> 00:47:38,339
And that's
for making me
lose my temper
813
00:47:38,341 --> 00:47:40,007
in front of
these sweet kids,
814
00:47:40,009 --> 00:47:42,909
you chicken-shit wimp!
815
00:47:43,677 --> 00:47:46,311
How much did you say
you needed for Robert?
816
00:47:46,313 --> 00:47:48,580
$25,000.
817
00:47:48,582 --> 00:47:52,883
Plus a down payment
for an apartment in
Sun City for Max Hitler.
818
00:47:53,317 --> 00:47:56,353
$10,000 more.
$35,000.
819
00:47:56,355 --> 00:47:57,521
$36,000.
820
00:47:57,523 --> 00:47:59,722
You'll need $1,000
for Tom's bridgework.
821
00:48:00,190 --> 00:48:01,657
He'll definitely sue.
822
00:48:02,424 --> 00:48:04,858
Phase two
is now in effect.
823
00:48:04,860 --> 00:48:07,828
Now that we know that
it's physically possible
for us to be thieves,
824
00:48:07,830 --> 00:48:10,497
we've gotta
find out if it's
psychologically possible.
825
00:48:10,499 --> 00:48:12,265
You first, Jane.
Me?
826
00:48:32,014 --> 00:48:34,183
Stick up a Safeway alone?
827
00:48:35,851 --> 00:48:38,118
Why not? I mean,
everybody knows me,
828
00:48:38,120 --> 00:48:39,519
the checkers,
the managers,
829
00:48:39,521 --> 00:48:41,955
even the box boys wave at me
when I come in.
830
00:48:41,957 --> 00:48:44,924
"Hey, here comes
the old coupon queen again!"
831
00:48:45,192 --> 00:48:47,358
I meant the one
in Medford.
832
00:48:50,528 --> 00:48:53,063
Don't say anything,
just point.
833
00:48:53,065 --> 00:48:54,198
Is that real?
834
00:48:54,200 --> 00:48:56,465
No, it's a model
Millard made 15 years ago
835
00:48:56,467 --> 00:48:57,967
when he was an Eagle Scout.
836
00:48:57,969 --> 00:49:00,136
With a real gun,
you do 5-to-10.
837
00:49:00,138 --> 00:49:02,103
With that one,
1-to-5.
838
00:49:02,972 --> 00:49:04,439
Thanks, Elaine.
839
00:49:30,994 --> 00:49:33,328
The least
you could do is
say you're sorry.
840
00:49:33,330 --> 00:49:36,097
It's been 15 minutes.
I told her to only
get a few things.
841
00:49:36,099 --> 00:49:37,831
What the hell
is keeping her?
842
00:49:42,669 --> 00:49:45,171
Steak, $8.95.
843
00:49:45,173 --> 00:49:46,838
Nuts, $1.29.
844
00:49:48,341 --> 00:49:51,242
Grape-Nuts, $1.26,
845
00:49:51,244 --> 00:49:53,076
cookies, $1.43,
846
00:49:53,078 --> 00:49:55,246
paper towels, $0.35,
847
00:49:55,248 --> 00:49:57,947
paper towels, $0.35,
848
00:49:57,949 --> 00:49:59,815
water pistol, $1.09,
849
00:50:01,184 --> 00:50:03,485
socks, $2.25,
850
00:50:04,420 --> 00:50:06,654
toilet paper, $0.79...
851
00:50:08,689 --> 00:50:10,624
ELAINE: Well, at least
you didn't get arrested.
852
00:50:10,626 --> 00:50:14,193
JANE:
No, not until the $285 check
I wrote for the food bounces.
853
00:50:14,195 --> 00:50:17,028
That was last night.
I'm in charge today.
854
00:50:24,969 --> 00:50:26,936
Oh! God, I'm so sorry.
855
00:50:26,938 --> 00:50:28,471
I'm so sorry.
856
00:50:28,473 --> 00:50:32,040
I'm such a klutz.
I don't believe it.
857
00:50:32,775 --> 00:50:34,676
Here, let me help you.
Here.
858
00:50:57,127 --> 00:50:58,695
There.
859
00:50:59,329 --> 00:51:02,397
Oh, thank you.
I'm so sorry.
860
00:51:03,666 --> 00:51:06,466
Oh, I can't believe this!
861
00:51:06,468 --> 00:51:07,702
I'm so... Oh!
862
00:51:08,303 --> 00:51:09,903
ELAINE:
You were great
with that canoe.
863
00:51:09,905 --> 00:51:11,370
I was surprised.
864
00:51:11,805 --> 00:51:14,873
JANE: So was I. The current
in that river is a bitch!
865
00:51:34,157 --> 00:51:37,058
ELAINE: How the hell
are we gonna empty
that big ball?
866
00:51:41,494 --> 00:51:43,330
(WHIRRING)
867
00:52:02,611 --> 00:52:04,845
I know
how to get the money
out of the Money Ball.
868
00:52:04,847 --> 00:52:07,014
How?
Suck!
869
00:52:08,349 --> 00:52:11,951
WOMAN ON PA: Attention,the mall will be closingin 10 minutes.
870
00:52:11,953 --> 00:52:13,753
10 minutes, please.
871
00:52:16,522 --> 00:52:18,122
I know we've only
got two days to go,
872
00:52:18,124 --> 00:52:20,791
but I don't know why
you guys are so mad at me.
873
00:52:20,793 --> 00:52:22,526
You know I can't
afford a babysitter,
874
00:52:22,528 --> 00:52:26,028
and Max is at
a Senior Citizens for
Reagan meeting tonight.
875
00:52:26,030 --> 00:52:28,464
Jesus, Jane, this is
a royal pain the ass.
876
00:52:28,466 --> 00:52:30,132
I mean,
tonight's important.
877
00:52:30,134 --> 00:52:32,867
We're psychologically
testing ourselves by
robbing Wheeler's,
878
00:52:32,869 --> 00:52:34,469
and you bring
your kids along.
879
00:52:34,471 --> 00:52:35,736
Can't you leave them
home just once?
880
00:52:35,738 --> 00:52:37,471
Are you serious?
881
00:52:37,473 --> 00:52:39,473
The last time that
I left those two alone,
882
00:52:39,475 --> 00:52:41,807
Billy took nude pictures
of Laurie with his Polaroid
883
00:52:41,809 --> 00:52:43,642
and sent them in
to Playboy magazine.
884
00:52:43,644 --> 00:52:45,577
It's dangerous.
Oh, I see.
885
00:52:45,579 --> 00:52:47,912
You bring 'em
along on a robbery
where they'll be safe.
886
00:52:47,914 --> 00:52:51,882
LOUISE: Well,
we're only stealing
from Robert's store.
887
00:52:51,884 --> 00:52:54,884
JANE: Well, that's right.
I mean, it's family.
888
00:53:15,068 --> 00:53:16,868
When did you get
Robert's keys?
889
00:53:16,870 --> 00:53:19,070
Last night.
How did you do that?
890
00:53:19,538 --> 00:53:21,872
They were in his pants,
he wasn't.
891
00:53:21,874 --> 00:53:25,742
Ah, the old
backseat of the car
in the garage, eh?
892
00:53:25,876 --> 00:53:28,010
No, we had to give
that up ever since
my father moved in.
893
00:53:28,012 --> 00:53:29,511
Remember Old Mill Road?
894
00:53:29,513 --> 00:53:30,712
Foreplay heaven.
895
00:53:30,714 --> 00:53:31,912
It's still cheaper
than a motel.
896
00:53:31,914 --> 00:53:33,681
More creative.
897
00:53:41,922 --> 00:53:43,756
Do you wanna play
Evel Knievel?
898
00:53:43,758 --> 00:53:45,791
Sure.
Okay.
899
00:53:45,793 --> 00:53:48,025
You play Evel
and I'll play
the motorcycle.
900
00:53:48,027 --> 00:53:49,760
Come on.
Okay.
901
00:53:55,566 --> 00:53:57,800
(WHISPERING) Okay, Louise,
you go get the power saw.
902
00:53:57,802 --> 00:53:59,033
Right.
903
00:54:00,036 --> 00:54:02,804
Where's the power saw?
Oh, over on that shelf.
904
00:54:02,806 --> 00:54:04,772
Okay. We'll go get
the vacuum cleaner.
905
00:54:04,774 --> 00:54:06,006
Right.
906
00:54:06,908 --> 00:54:08,040
Where's the vacuum
cleaner?
907
00:54:08,042 --> 00:54:09,876
It's over there.
Okay.
908
00:54:20,118 --> 00:54:21,585
(SHUSHING)
909
00:54:21,587 --> 00:54:23,886
Billy and Laurie,
you get back in
that car this minute!
910
00:54:23,888 --> 00:54:24,821
(ALARM BLARING)
911
00:54:24,823 --> 00:54:26,721
Jesus Christ!
912
00:54:26,723 --> 00:54:28,124
Get down!
913
00:54:33,061 --> 00:54:35,261
What do we do?
Why don't we go
out the back door?
914
00:54:35,263 --> 00:54:37,565
Right!
Where's the back door?
915
00:54:37,567 --> 00:54:39,732
Come on, I'll show you.
This way.
916
00:54:39,734 --> 00:54:41,066
Hurry up.
917
00:54:49,807 --> 00:54:51,341
(EXCLAIMS)
Hold it!
918
00:54:51,909 --> 00:54:53,843
What's goin' on here?
919
00:54:53,845 --> 00:54:57,646
Uh, listen,
it's not gonna
be easy to explain.
920
00:54:57,948 --> 00:54:59,914
Suppose you try, little lady.
921
00:54:59,916 --> 00:55:00,982
Ah, yes.
922
00:55:01,750 --> 00:55:03,918
Maybe we all
better give it a try.
923
00:55:07,855 --> 00:55:09,922
Why don't we
just tell the truth?
924
00:55:09,924 --> 00:55:12,692
Elaine, tell the officer
the truth.
925
00:55:13,760 --> 00:55:15,026
Right.
926
00:55:15,261 --> 00:55:16,394
Uh...
927
00:55:17,162 --> 00:55:20,997
(OFFICER CHATTERINGON POLICE RADIO)
928
00:55:22,200 --> 00:55:24,934
It's a game.
It's a scavenger
hunt for charity.
929
00:55:24,936 --> 00:55:27,836
Oh, God, not you again.
930
00:55:28,304 --> 00:55:31,306
Jack, how sweet
of you to remember.
931
00:55:31,308 --> 00:55:32,840
Hold it!
932
00:55:33,775 --> 00:55:35,809
Jack, I haven't
had a drink in a week.
933
00:55:35,811 --> 00:55:39,913
Maybe tonight I don't
get slugged in the head
with a purse, huh?
934
00:55:40,147 --> 00:55:41,947
You know,
I've gotta report this.
935
00:55:41,949 --> 00:55:44,215
Jack, can't you
bend the rules a little?
936
00:55:44,217 --> 00:55:46,284
I mean,
it's not like
we were stealing.
937
00:55:46,286 --> 00:55:47,985
All this stuff came from...
938
00:55:47,987 --> 00:55:50,120
Came from
Jane's fiance's
hardware store.
939
00:55:50,122 --> 00:55:51,989
He's the manager.
Isn't that right, Jane?
940
00:55:51,991 --> 00:55:53,956
Oh, right, absolutely.
941
00:55:53,958 --> 00:55:56,124
Robert Logan.
See, these are his keys.
942
00:55:56,126 --> 00:55:58,127
Wheeler's Hardware Store.
Wheeler's. This is the key.
943
00:55:58,129 --> 00:56:00,028
Look, she even
brought her kids.
944
00:56:00,030 --> 00:56:01,996
Would anybody
in their right minds
945
00:56:01,998 --> 00:56:03,831
bring their kids
to a robbery?
946
00:56:03,833 --> 00:56:05,098
Really.
947
00:56:16,009 --> 00:56:19,243
Jack, if you turn us in,
we'll look like imbeciles.
948
00:56:19,245 --> 00:56:20,911
Robert will yell at Jane,
949
00:56:20,913 --> 00:56:23,012
Louise will catch
hell from Albert,
950
00:56:23,014 --> 00:56:24,113
and I'll...
951
00:56:24,916 --> 00:56:25,981
I'll, um...
952
00:56:26,683 --> 00:56:28,083
How about you?
953
00:56:28,085 --> 00:56:31,885
Well, I don't have anybody
to holler at me, not anymore.
954
00:56:32,387 --> 00:56:34,789
Forget you ever saw us,
okay?
955
00:56:35,757 --> 00:56:37,157
I don't know about this.
956
00:56:37,159 --> 00:56:38,724
I'll owe you one.
957
00:56:39,092 --> 00:56:40,393
You'll owe me two.
958
00:56:40,860 --> 00:56:41,993
Whatever.
959
00:56:42,828 --> 00:56:44,930
Look, I was drunk
the other night,
960
00:56:44,932 --> 00:56:47,665
my husband just
walked out on me.
I was crazed.
961
00:56:47,667 --> 00:56:51,167
I didn't know
what I was saying.
I know what I'm saying now.
962
00:56:51,169 --> 00:56:54,337
Ask Louise.
I've-- I've known
her since high school.
963
00:56:54,339 --> 00:56:56,104
Louise, do I ever
go back on my word?
964
00:56:56,372 --> 00:56:58,106
Does she ever
go back on her word?
965
00:56:59,274 --> 00:57:01,075
Never.
966
00:57:05,346 --> 00:57:06,913
Thank you.
967
00:57:09,783 --> 00:57:11,717
God, three martinis
and it doesn't help.
968
00:57:11,719 --> 00:57:13,419
I still feel like a tramp.
969
00:57:14,186 --> 00:57:18,021
Did you see me
practically rape that
policeman on the street?
970
00:57:18,023 --> 00:57:19,890
Lainie, I'm sorry
about the burglar alarm.
971
00:57:19,892 --> 00:57:22,125
I mean,
I just sort of panicked
when I saw Billy bouncing...
972
00:57:22,127 --> 00:57:25,127
That's just it, Jane.
Professionals don't panic.
973
00:57:25,129 --> 00:57:26,194
Oh, cut it out, Elaine.
974
00:57:26,196 --> 00:57:27,963
If there's one thing
we can do without tonight,
975
00:57:27,965 --> 00:57:30,966
it's your superior,
bitchy attitude.
976
00:57:30,968 --> 00:57:32,967
Louise, please.
No name-calling.
977
00:57:32,969 --> 00:57:35,034
I can't stand it
when my friends fight.
978
00:57:35,235 --> 00:57:37,270
I didn't call her a name.
"Bitch" is not a name?
979
00:57:37,272 --> 00:57:38,805
I said, "bitchy attitude."
980
00:57:38,807 --> 00:57:40,373
Oh, don't try
and apologize, Louise.
981
00:57:40,375 --> 00:57:42,441
I take it
from where it comes.
982
00:57:42,443 --> 00:57:45,509
Elaine, what's really
bothering you?
983
00:57:46,411 --> 00:57:48,045
I'm scared.
984
00:57:49,448 --> 00:57:51,314
Jane, I'm sorry.
985
00:57:52,983 --> 00:57:55,785
Oh, Jesus, I don't know
what's the matter with me.
986
00:57:58,088 --> 00:57:59,854
Yes, I do.
987
00:58:01,390 --> 00:58:03,890
I'm coming apart
at the seams.
988
00:58:06,260 --> 00:58:09,762
I'm a totally
unloved, unglued,
989
00:58:09,764 --> 00:58:11,329
totally rejected
basket case.
990
00:58:24,475 --> 00:58:26,141
Good night.
991
00:58:37,418 --> 00:58:38,484
Hi.
992
00:58:39,919 --> 00:58:42,021
I thought it might be you.
993
00:58:42,256 --> 00:58:46,923
I just, uh,
wanted to make sure
you got home safely.
994
00:58:47,191 --> 00:58:49,092
How's your wife?
995
00:58:50,093 --> 00:58:51,528
Well, uh,
996
00:58:52,130 --> 00:58:53,462
you may not believe this.
997
00:58:53,464 --> 00:58:56,097
I mean,
a man of my charm
and, uh, sensitivity,
998
00:58:56,099 --> 00:58:57,999
but, uh, she left me.
999
00:59:00,369 --> 00:59:02,836
Can I buy you
a cup of coffee?
1000
00:59:04,105 --> 00:59:05,505
No.
1001
00:59:07,508 --> 00:59:10,842
But you,
uh, can come in
and I'll make you one.
1002
00:59:11,110 --> 00:59:12,911
That's a deal.
1003
00:59:17,281 --> 00:59:19,016
I don't know.
1004
00:59:19,984 --> 00:59:23,385
You put on your "A woman
needs a man like a fish
needs a bicycle" T-shirt,
1005
00:59:23,387 --> 00:59:26,187
and you poke away
at him year after year,
1006
00:59:26,856 --> 00:59:29,123
needling him
with a vengeance.
1007
00:59:29,125 --> 00:59:30,358
And then one day
he trades you in
1008
00:59:30,360 --> 00:59:33,126
on someone with
a softer voice and skin.
1009
00:59:34,462 --> 00:59:36,296
So here I am.
1010
00:59:36,298 --> 00:59:40,466
Waking up alone every morning
and it's the pits, Jack,
it really is.
1011
00:59:43,035 --> 00:59:44,334
Come on, let's go.
1012
00:59:44,336 --> 00:59:45,603
Where?
1013
00:59:46,138 --> 00:59:47,604
The bedroom.
1014
00:59:48,807 --> 00:59:50,807
No, I don't think so.
1015
00:59:50,809 --> 00:59:52,075
Why not?
1016
00:59:53,543 --> 00:59:55,044
Well...
1017
00:59:58,247 --> 00:59:59,914
You know, I'm...
1018
01:00:00,882 --> 01:00:03,551
I'm not real good
at explaining how I feel,
1019
01:00:05,553 --> 01:00:07,886
but when
I saw you tonight,
1020
01:00:11,256 --> 01:00:14,959
my--my throat was dry.
I--I could barely breathe.
1021
01:00:16,161 --> 01:00:18,228
I--I thought you felt...
1022
01:00:20,864 --> 01:00:23,933
Well, what now...
What is it you want, anyway?
1023
01:00:24,101 --> 01:00:27,168
A neurosurgeon
or a stockbroker
or something like that?
1024
01:00:27,170 --> 01:00:30,237
No, Jack,
it has nothing to
do with economics.
1025
01:00:30,372 --> 01:00:34,041
I'd go to bed
with a garbage collector
if he said the right thing.
1026
01:00:34,043 --> 01:00:37,243
All--All I know is
that I'm crazy about you.
1027
01:00:40,180 --> 01:00:42,848
I would like to
hold you in my arms,
1028
01:00:42,850 --> 01:00:45,282
I'd like to make love
to you all night.
1029
01:00:48,018 --> 01:00:49,587
And in the morning,
1030
01:00:50,187 --> 01:00:51,888
while you're still asleep,
1031
01:00:51,890 --> 01:00:54,223
I'd like to go down
to the kitchen,
1032
01:00:54,225 --> 01:00:56,424
make the orange juice
and coffee
1033
01:00:58,194 --> 01:01:00,027
and bring it to you.
1034
01:01:04,031 --> 01:01:06,098
You said the right thing.
1035
01:01:07,201 --> 01:01:09,268
And you won't
be disappointed.
1036
01:01:17,542 --> 01:01:18,976
Which way?
1037
01:01:18,978 --> 01:01:20,143
Not here.
1038
01:01:20,145 --> 01:01:21,377
Why not?
1039
01:01:21,379 --> 01:01:22,545
Well,
1040
01:01:23,412 --> 01:01:26,281
a lot of
neighbors wondering
why there's a police car
1041
01:01:26,283 --> 01:01:28,650
parked in my driveway
all night.
1042
01:01:29,217 --> 01:01:30,551
Smart lady.
1043
01:01:30,553 --> 01:01:32,318
A private one.
1044
01:01:45,430 --> 01:01:47,631
CHARLOTTE:
It's not your fault, Albert.
1045
01:01:48,466 --> 01:01:51,534
Two careers in a family
are almost impossible.
1046
01:01:51,902 --> 01:01:55,471
Unless the woman is
in the same business
as her husband.
1047
01:01:56,105 --> 01:01:58,673
Like a doctor
and his nurse.
1048
01:01:59,340 --> 01:02:02,242
ALBERT: It's not easy
to be married to Louise.
1049
01:02:02,477 --> 01:02:03,977
When I met her in college,
1050
01:02:03,979 --> 01:02:06,012
a chili dog and a coke
made her happy.
1051
01:02:07,014 --> 01:02:09,314
Doing her own thing
meant baking me
chocolate chip cookies
1052
01:02:09,316 --> 01:02:10,982
every Sunday morning
1053
01:02:10,984 --> 01:02:14,585
after we spent Friday night
and all day Saturday
in the sack.
1054
01:02:16,087 --> 01:02:19,356
You know what I used to do
during the first years of
my marriage to Conrad?
1055
01:02:19,358 --> 01:02:20,256
No.
1056
01:02:20,491 --> 01:02:22,425
After we'd make love,
1057
01:02:22,427 --> 01:02:24,193
I'd get out of bed,
1058
01:02:24,527 --> 01:02:26,427
go into the bathroom,
1059
01:02:26,429 --> 01:02:28,564
soak a towel in warm water,
1060
01:02:29,164 --> 01:02:32,232
come back to bed
and wash him off.
1061
01:02:33,367 --> 01:02:35,467
That's the difference
between a European
1062
01:02:35,469 --> 01:02:37,269
and an American woman,
Albert.
1063
01:02:37,271 --> 01:02:40,172
You can buy
chocolate chip cookies
in a supermarket, Albert.
1064
01:02:40,174 --> 01:02:42,073
No, not like these.
1065
01:02:42,341 --> 01:02:45,209
She used to put nuts
and raisins into them.
1066
01:02:46,277 --> 01:02:48,412
And now she's gone.
1067
01:02:48,980 --> 01:02:51,180
Moved into the den forever.
1068
01:02:52,649 --> 01:02:54,516
Where did I go wrong?
1069
01:02:54,951 --> 01:02:57,118
It's not your fault, Albert.
1070
01:02:57,987 --> 01:03:01,021
But let's not talk
about her anymore tonight.
1071
01:03:01,489 --> 01:03:05,024
It's taken me seven years
just to get you up here.
1072
01:03:05,459 --> 01:03:07,060
No, don't.
1073
01:03:07,628 --> 01:03:10,629
It wouldn't be fair to you.
I still love her.
1074
01:03:11,330 --> 01:03:13,431
You're a very
attractive woman.
1075
01:03:17,635 --> 01:03:20,436
And I'm getting,
I admit, very turned on.
1076
01:03:21,304 --> 01:03:24,073
But we'll hate ourselves
in the morning.
1077
01:03:24,407 --> 01:03:27,108
Oh, I could never
hate myself for this.
1078
01:03:34,148 --> 01:03:35,715
Did you really
get out of bed in
the middle of the night
1079
01:03:35,717 --> 01:03:37,416
and get a warm,
wet towel?
1080
01:03:37,418 --> 01:03:38,650
Yes.
1081
01:03:38,652 --> 01:03:40,585
I think I'd like that.
1082
01:03:40,587 --> 01:03:43,221
Mmm, I know you would.
1083
01:03:46,491 --> 01:03:50,593
But there are
no wet, warm towels
up on this hill, Charlotte.
1084
01:03:51,061 --> 01:03:52,629
Oh, we'll work
something out, Albert.
1085
01:03:56,498 --> 01:03:58,399
ROBERT: I'm four days
away from losing my job,
1086
01:03:58,401 --> 01:04:01,068
and you're still talking
about having a baby.
1087
01:04:01,070 --> 01:04:02,402
Jane, I love you, but...
1088
01:04:02,404 --> 01:04:04,070
Robert, you're not
gonna lose your job.
1089
01:04:04,072 --> 01:04:06,472
I'm gonna get you
the $25,000.
1090
01:04:06,673 --> 01:04:09,341
We're gonna get married,
and then I'm gonna...
Where?
1091
01:04:09,343 --> 01:04:11,676
Where are you gonna
get that kind of money?
1092
01:04:11,678 --> 01:04:13,444
From my family.
1093
01:04:13,679 --> 01:04:15,679
Jane, your father
borrowed $10 from me
1094
01:04:15,681 --> 01:04:17,547
when I came to
pick you up last night.
1095
01:04:17,549 --> 01:04:19,816
Well, not him.
From my mother.
1096
01:04:21,418 --> 01:04:24,286
Your mother is living
with a lady named Shirley.
1097
01:04:24,288 --> 01:04:26,220
They've adopted
a black baby.
1098
01:04:26,222 --> 01:04:29,356
Last week she hocked her
wedding ring to buy a crib.
1099
01:04:30,692 --> 01:04:33,026
ELAINE: Why did this
have to happen to me?
1100
01:04:33,028 --> 01:04:35,227
JACK: How did you
get your foot caught
in the glove compartment?
1101
01:04:35,229 --> 01:04:36,629
I don't know.
1102
01:04:37,197 --> 01:04:39,131
We'll have to call
the damn Fire Department.
1103
01:04:39,133 --> 01:04:40,365
Oh, forget
the Fire Department.
1104
01:04:40,367 --> 01:04:42,099
I need a crowbar.
1105
01:04:42,367 --> 01:04:45,303
Crowbar.
That's a good idea.
1106
01:04:51,474 --> 01:04:53,541
You wait here. Well...
1107
01:04:53,709 --> 01:04:55,778
(MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)
1108
01:04:58,547 --> 01:05:00,314
Whoops. Sorry.
1109
01:05:11,222 --> 01:05:12,457
Excuse me, sir.
1110
01:05:12,459 --> 01:05:14,725
Uh, you wouldn't happen
to have a crowbar
1111
01:05:14,727 --> 01:05:17,794
or maybe a little heavy-duty,
uh, screwdriver?
1112
01:05:34,442 --> 01:05:36,408
Robert, is that Albert?
1113
01:05:36,776 --> 01:05:38,509
It can't be Albert.
1114
01:05:38,511 --> 01:05:42,146
I mean, if it were
your dog's foot,
I'd know what to do.
1115
01:05:42,148 --> 01:05:44,781
Yeah, but what would
I be doin' up here
with a dog?
1116
01:05:44,783 --> 01:05:46,483
It is too Albert.
1117
01:05:46,485 --> 01:05:48,418
But that's not Louise.
1118
01:05:48,420 --> 01:05:49,853
Come on.
1119
01:05:50,587 --> 01:05:52,355
I found a vet.
1120
01:05:53,422 --> 01:05:54,856
Hi--Hi, Albert.
1121
01:05:55,424 --> 01:05:56,724
Elaine?
1122
01:05:58,494 --> 01:06:00,494
Hi, Jane.
Oh, my God.
1123
01:06:00,496 --> 01:06:01,762
Is that you, Jane?
1124
01:06:01,764 --> 01:06:06,499
I'm trying to
get your best friend's foot
out of this glove compartment
1125
01:06:06,501 --> 01:06:11,602
I only hope the two of you
remember that the next time
you see you-know-who.
1126
01:06:11,604 --> 01:06:13,437
He means his wife.
Shut up, Charlotte.
1127
01:06:13,439 --> 01:06:16,440
It won't come out.
How did you get it
in there like that?
1128
01:06:16,442 --> 01:06:18,475
Look on page 62
of the Kama Sutra.
1129
01:06:18,477 --> 01:06:19,676
(SCREAMING)
1130
01:06:19,678 --> 01:06:21,477
Take it easy, baby.
Take it easy.
1131
01:06:21,479 --> 01:06:23,111
Jack? Hi.
1132
01:06:23,113 --> 01:06:25,381
Jane?
You two know each other?
1133
01:06:25,615 --> 01:06:27,782
How does he know
your name?
1134
01:06:29,550 --> 01:06:32,718
Will someone
please get my foot out of
the goddamn glove compartment?
1135
01:06:32,720 --> 01:06:34,388
Here, I'll get it out.
1136
01:06:34,390 --> 01:06:37,523
My children get in
more trouble than this
every five minutes.
1137
01:06:37,525 --> 01:06:39,290
(GROANING)
Just turn a little there.
1138
01:06:39,292 --> 01:06:40,458
That's it.
Easy.
1139
01:06:40,460 --> 01:06:43,361
Slipping it out.
Here she comes.
1140
01:06:45,463 --> 01:06:47,230
Thank you, Jane.
1141
01:06:47,232 --> 01:06:49,232
You're welcome, Elaine.
1142
01:06:50,233 --> 01:06:53,535
The drawing at
the Money Ball
is at 9:00.
1143
01:06:53,703 --> 01:06:55,470
10 minutes later,
the place is closed.
1144
01:06:55,472 --> 01:06:57,571
That means at 8:40,
1145
01:06:57,573 --> 01:07:01,308
I have to here,
in the backroom
at Thom McAn.
1146
01:07:01,310 --> 01:07:04,811
Elaine,
you have to be here,
1147
01:07:04,813 --> 01:07:06,545
backstage
at the light switch.
1148
01:07:06,547 --> 01:07:10,716
And, Jane, hopefully
you'll be here in the canoe.
1149
01:07:11,316 --> 01:07:13,418
Now,
it all has to be done
with split-second timing
1150
01:07:13,420 --> 01:07:16,153
because at 9:10 on the nose,
1151
01:07:16,155 --> 01:07:18,187
we gotta be out of there
and on our way home.
1152
01:07:18,189 --> 01:07:20,489
With the money.
Or the police.
1153
01:07:20,491 --> 01:07:23,892
All right,
now let's run it
down again from the top,
1154
01:07:23,894 --> 01:07:25,893
make sure we got it right.
1155
01:07:28,431 --> 01:07:33,499
At 5:10, wearing
my black corduroy
Calvin Klein jeans
1156
01:07:33,501 --> 01:07:35,667
and my favorite
Yves Saint Laurent shirt,
1157
01:07:35,669 --> 01:07:36,902
I leave home,
1158
01:07:36,904 --> 01:07:39,404
walking east
on Bluebird Lane.
1159
01:07:40,173 --> 01:07:42,440
Where at 5:33,
I pick you up
1160
01:07:42,442 --> 01:07:44,674
with the vacuum cleaner
in the backseat of my car.
1161
01:07:44,676 --> 01:07:47,410
We head for
Valley River Center.
1162
01:07:47,678 --> 01:07:52,548
Uh, meanwhile, at 6:15,
I finish feeding the children.
1163
01:07:52,550 --> 01:07:56,284
I get into my car
and I head up Highway 9.
1164
01:07:56,452 --> 01:07:59,719
I get off at Mazda Lane.
Next stop, the river.
1165
01:07:59,721 --> 01:08:02,221
You forgot to mention
the garbage bags
and the canoe.
1166
01:08:02,223 --> 01:08:04,557
What do you think I am,
stupid?
1167
01:08:04,559 --> 01:08:07,626
Naturally, I have
the garbage bags
and the canoe.
1168
01:08:08,427 --> 01:08:09,928
At exactly 7:10,
1169
01:08:09,930 --> 01:08:11,728
I put the canoe
into the water
1170
01:08:11,730 --> 01:08:14,264
and I start paddling south.
1171
01:08:14,532 --> 01:08:15,532
Good.
1172
01:08:15,534 --> 01:08:22,304
Meanwhile, Elaine and I
have arrived at Valley
River Center at 6:05,
1173
01:08:22,306 --> 01:08:24,573
and parked
in the northeast
corner of the parking lot.
1174
01:08:24,575 --> 01:08:25,940
This is going to be easy.
1175
01:08:25,942 --> 01:08:28,309
That's what
they told Nixon.
1176
01:08:28,311 --> 01:08:29,809
Where I let you
out of the car.
1177
01:08:29,811 --> 01:08:31,544
You take care
of the power saw,
1178
01:08:31,546 --> 01:08:34,280
I'll take care
of the vacuum cleaner.
Check.
1179
01:08:34,282 --> 01:08:35,547
Check.
Check.
1180
01:08:35,549 --> 01:08:36,648
Tomorrow!
1181
01:09:39,832 --> 01:09:42,332
MAN ON TV: Here they are!
1182
01:09:42,433 --> 01:09:43,634
You going so early?
1183
01:09:43,636 --> 01:09:47,069
I thought I'd do some
window shopping before
the show.
1184
01:09:48,472 --> 01:09:50,572
Your dinner's
in the oven.
1185
01:09:50,973 --> 01:09:53,708
Take a good look.Who's it gonna be?
1186
01:09:53,710 --> 01:09:55,577
(MAN WHISTLING ON TV)
1187
01:09:56,711 --> 01:09:58,546
You're still mad at me,
aren't you?
1188
01:09:58,548 --> 01:10:00,680
If you're worried about
eating the food, Albert,
don't.
1189
01:10:00,682 --> 01:10:02,281
I stopped poisoning it
two days ago.
1190
01:10:02,283 --> 01:10:03,616
The hell with the food!
1191
01:10:03,618 --> 01:10:06,318
Why is your half
of the big bed still
empty at night, Louise? Why?
1192
01:10:06,320 --> 01:10:07,853
Remind me to tell you
about it sometime.
1193
01:10:07,855 --> 01:10:09,654
No, not sometime, now!
1194
01:10:09,656 --> 01:10:11,388
You tell me now
or this marriage
is over!
1195
01:10:11,390 --> 01:10:12,790
You walk out that door
without telling me
1196
01:10:12,792 --> 01:10:14,691
what the hell is going on
between the two of us,
1197
01:10:14,693 --> 01:10:16,560
and you won't find me here
when you get back!
1198
01:10:16,562 --> 01:10:18,627
You wanna know, Albert?
I mean, you really wanna know?
1199
01:10:18,629 --> 01:10:20,028
Yes, I really wanna know!
1200
01:10:20,030 --> 01:10:22,997
It's a long story.
Oh, I like long stories!
1201
01:10:22,999 --> 01:10:24,666
They usually have
happy endings.
1202
01:10:24,668 --> 01:10:26,567
All right, sit down.
1203
01:10:26,569 --> 01:10:27,801
I'm sitting.
1204
01:10:27,803 --> 01:10:30,002
No grabbing!
Sitting. No grabbing.
1205
01:10:30,004 --> 01:10:32,972
I was brought up to believe
that women should fall in love
1206
01:10:32,974 --> 01:10:37,409
with the best possible
good provider available
that they could stomach.
1207
01:10:37,411 --> 01:10:38,976
I was wrong.
I don't wanna know.
1208
01:10:38,978 --> 01:10:40,645
No, let me finish.
1209
01:10:40,647 --> 01:10:41,745
There you go.
1210
01:10:41,747 --> 01:10:43,480
That's right.
1211
01:10:43,482 --> 01:10:44,814
Possible flush.
Ooh!
1212
01:10:44,816 --> 01:10:46,749
No help there,
no help there,
1213
01:10:46,751 --> 01:10:48,918
pair of Jacks,
no help there.
Jack's bad.
1214
01:10:48,920 --> 01:10:50,652
Oh, Billy, in bed, 9:00.
1215
01:10:50,654 --> 01:10:52,421
Up to you, Billy.
1216
01:10:52,423 --> 01:10:54,722
See your quarter,
raise you a half.
1217
01:10:54,724 --> 01:10:57,692
Hey! Where the hell's
the damn beer?
1218
01:10:57,694 --> 01:10:59,693
LAURIE: Hold your water,
old man! It's coming!
1219
01:10:59,695 --> 01:11:01,061
Good grief!
1220
01:11:01,063 --> 01:11:03,762
I'll see your quarter
and raise you a dollar
here, big feller!
1221
01:11:03,764 --> 01:11:06,732
You're bluffing, asshole.
You don't have jackshit!
1222
01:11:06,734 --> 01:11:07,833
Will you listen
to my kids?
1223
01:11:07,835 --> 01:11:09,667
They talk like
your third platoon.
1224
01:11:09,669 --> 01:11:11,668
Well, it's better than
talkin' like those sissies
1225
01:11:11,670 --> 01:11:14,337
in the school he goes to
in the neighborhood.
1226
01:11:14,339 --> 01:11:17,340
♪ Roll me over
in the clover ♪
1227
01:11:17,342 --> 01:11:19,709
Okay, that's it.
Over. The end.
1228
01:11:19,711 --> 01:11:21,343
Lookit, I love you
very much, Dad,
1229
01:11:21,345 --> 01:11:22,877
but I'm sorry,
it's just not
gonna work out
1230
01:11:22,879 --> 01:11:24,044
with you
being here any more.
1231
01:11:24,046 --> 01:11:25,780
What'd I do?
What'd I say?
1232
01:11:25,782 --> 01:11:28,048
Hey,
didn't I do everything
I said I was gonna do?
1233
01:11:28,050 --> 01:11:30,450
Didn't I keep
my mouth shut?
1234
01:11:30,452 --> 01:11:32,684
Wasn't I like
a father to these...
I taught them everything.
1235
01:11:32,686 --> 01:11:34,387
I taught him
how to play poker.
1236
01:11:34,389 --> 01:11:35,887
Dad, you're just
gonna have to leave!
1237
01:11:35,889 --> 01:11:38,889
I will find you money,
I will help you find
a place to live, but...
1238
01:11:38,891 --> 01:11:41,524
I will, I promise.
But I'm warning you.
1239
01:11:42,026 --> 01:11:43,761
If this country
is ever attacked again
1240
01:11:43,763 --> 01:11:46,796
and we gotta go through Iwo
and Guadalcanal and Tarawa,
1241
01:11:46,798 --> 01:11:49,365
these kids are not
gonna be ready.
1242
01:11:49,367 --> 01:11:51,432
We're gonna have to
discuss this tomorrow.
1243
01:11:51,434 --> 01:11:53,735
Right.
Last hand of the evening.
1244
01:11:53,737 --> 01:11:54,969
All right now.
Here you go.
1245
01:11:54,971 --> 01:11:56,937
JANE: Laurie,
you get in bed.
1246
01:12:11,049 --> 01:12:13,817
Okay. It's okay.
Calm down.
1247
01:12:13,819 --> 01:12:15,718
Calm down. It's okay.
1248
01:12:18,054 --> 01:12:19,856
(CLICKING)
1249
01:12:21,924 --> 01:12:24,725
(CLICKING)
1250
01:12:30,998 --> 01:12:32,464
(GRUNTS)
1251
01:12:40,739 --> 01:12:42,839
Friggin' electric company!
1252
01:13:00,454 --> 01:13:02,487
Power and Light Company.
1253
01:13:03,589 --> 01:13:04,824
Thank you.
1254
01:13:10,429 --> 01:13:11,828
(RINGING)
1255
01:13:13,832 --> 01:13:15,932
Yeah?
ELAINE: My--My powerjust went out.
1256
01:13:15,934 --> 01:13:18,500
Could you send a repairmanover here right away?
1257
01:13:18,502 --> 01:13:19,768
Oh, what's your name?
1258
01:13:19,770 --> 01:13:21,602
Mrs. Elaine Houghton.
1259
01:13:21,604 --> 01:13:25,039
Uh, Elaine Houghton.
1260
01:13:26,607 --> 01:13:28,742
17 Willowbrook Lane?
Yes.
1261
01:13:28,876 --> 01:13:30,776
Uh, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
1262
01:13:30,778 --> 01:13:32,812
Nope, nothing's wrong
with your lights, lady,
1263
01:13:32,814 --> 01:13:36,514
you didn't pay your bill.
$29.18.
1264
01:13:37,617 --> 01:13:41,885
Oh, my husband just left
on a hunting trip to Nigeria.
1265
01:13:41,887 --> 01:13:43,953
He must've forgottento send you the check.
1266
01:13:43,955 --> 01:13:45,788
I'll put it in the mail
tomorrow morning.
1267
01:13:45,790 --> 01:13:48,123
Now, would you please
turn the lights back on?
1268
01:13:48,125 --> 01:13:49,624
Uh, lady,
you're gonna have to talk to
1269
01:13:49,626 --> 01:13:50,859
the business office
about that.
1270
01:13:50,861 --> 01:13:53,794
Uh, I don't have
the authority to...
What's the number?
1271
01:13:53,796 --> 01:13:57,697
953-3000,
but they don't open
till Monday at 9:00.
1272
01:13:57,832 --> 01:14:00,033
This is an emergency!
It always is.
1273
01:14:00,035 --> 01:14:01,967
No, I'm serious!
1274
01:14:01,969 --> 01:14:04,470
Um, my mother
is a very sick woman.
1275
01:14:04,472 --> 01:14:06,904
She's in the bedroom
next to me
with her kidney machine,
1276
01:14:06,906 --> 01:14:08,806
which runs on electricity,
1277
01:14:08,808 --> 01:14:11,141
which has kept her alive
for seven years!
1278
01:14:11,143 --> 01:14:13,976
This wonderful,84-year-old woman.
1279
01:14:15,045 --> 01:14:16,978
What's that, Mama?
1280
01:14:16,980 --> 01:14:20,715
The machine isn't going
"topacata, topacata,
topacata" anymore?
1281
01:14:20,717 --> 01:14:21,950
Oh, my God!
1282
01:14:21,952 --> 01:14:25,753
No, no, I'm not talkingto Oral Robertson the phone, Mama.
1283
01:14:25,755 --> 01:14:28,021
It's too late for that.
1284
01:14:28,023 --> 01:14:30,923
But the man
on the other end
of the phone cares.
1285
01:14:30,925 --> 01:14:32,657
You do care, don't you?
1286
01:14:32,659 --> 01:14:35,159
You will turn the powerback on, won't you?
1287
01:14:35,161 --> 01:14:37,995
Lady, that was beautiful.
1288
01:14:38,897 --> 01:14:40,197
Really terrific.
1289
01:14:40,199 --> 01:14:41,831
I mean,
I've been here seven years,
1290
01:14:41,833 --> 01:14:44,066
and that's the best
I've heard yet.
1291
01:14:44,068 --> 01:14:46,002
Great performance.
1292
01:14:46,004 --> 01:14:49,138
But, look, all is not lost.
1293
01:14:49,572 --> 01:14:52,840
Thrifty Mart is open 24 hours.
1294
01:14:53,709 --> 01:14:55,510
What good will that do?
1295
01:14:55,512 --> 01:14:57,077
They sell beautiful candles.
1296
01:15:07,119 --> 01:15:09,019
(TIRES SQUEALING)
1297
01:15:27,769 --> 01:15:31,571
I'm waiting
for a station wagon,
on account of the canoe.
1298
01:15:31,573 --> 01:15:36,874
Well, I had to
get rid of it in order
to fix Billy's retainer.
1299
01:15:41,547 --> 01:15:45,881
I know all about
you and Charlotte up
on the hill that night.
1300
01:15:45,883 --> 01:15:47,982
Nothing happened, Louise.
I swear it.
1301
01:15:47,984 --> 01:15:52,554
Not even a little
foreplay between you
and Fraulein Nurse?
1302
01:15:52,556 --> 01:15:53,654
Nothing below the waist,
1303
01:15:53,656 --> 01:15:55,055
and I was thinking
about you all the time.
1304
01:15:55,057 --> 01:15:56,622
Don't look at me that way,
Louise.
1305
01:15:56,624 --> 01:15:58,592
You have my word
of honor as a doctor
1306
01:15:58,594 --> 01:16:01,894
that I have been
completely asexual
since you moved into the den.
1307
01:16:01,896 --> 01:16:04,129
Except for
one small wet dream
which you were the star of.
1308
01:16:04,131 --> 01:16:05,930
Mmm. I'd like
to believe that.
It's the truth.
1309
01:16:05,932 --> 01:16:08,098
It's also the truth that
our problem is the same one
1310
01:16:08,100 --> 01:16:10,835
that nine-tenths
of the married couples
in this country are having,
1311
01:16:10,837 --> 01:16:12,902
and it's not sexual,
it's financial.
1312
01:16:12,904 --> 01:16:14,736
No, it's psychological.
1313
01:16:15,004 --> 01:16:17,906
You all want us to
remain your little girls,
1314
01:16:17,908 --> 01:16:21,576
and the only way you can
do that is by controlling
the purse strings.
1315
01:16:21,578 --> 01:16:24,277
You were happy when the IRS
put the squeeze on me, Albert.
1316
01:16:24,279 --> 01:16:26,079
Admit it.
I was not.
1317
01:16:27,014 --> 01:16:28,615
You wanted me to fail!
1318
01:16:28,617 --> 01:16:30,249
Louise, for Christ sake,
I love you!
1319
01:16:30,251 --> 01:16:31,584
And you love me.
1320
01:16:31,586 --> 01:16:34,253
How can you let
an argument over money
destroy our marriage?
1321
01:16:34,255 --> 01:16:36,788
Albert, it's not the money
I'm talking about!
1322
01:16:36,790 --> 01:16:38,055
It's the way you treat...
1323
01:16:39,691 --> 01:16:42,926
Money.
Oh, my God, the money!
1324
01:16:42,928 --> 01:16:44,927
The goddamn money!
1325
01:16:45,929 --> 01:16:46,995
(DOOR SLAMMING)
1326
01:16:46,997 --> 01:16:48,363
You can't talk to them.
1327
01:17:00,841 --> 01:17:02,107
Elaine!
1328
01:17:02,642 --> 01:17:04,176
(TIRES SQUEALING)
1329
01:17:12,183 --> 01:17:16,018
ELAINE: How late are we?
LOUISE: Not bad,
less than an hour.
1330
01:17:48,878 --> 01:17:50,645
♪ Oregon!
1331
01:17:50,647 --> 01:17:53,847
♪ Let's have a show
about it, Oregon!
1332
01:17:53,849 --> 01:17:55,048
♪ Think you should
know about it
1333
01:17:55,050 --> 01:17:58,718
♪ Here is a story
in all of its glory ♪
1334
01:18:02,821 --> 01:18:06,124
(DRUMS BEATING)
1335
01:18:09,727 --> 01:18:12,728
Your attention.Your attention, please.
1336
01:18:12,863 --> 01:18:16,832
If you will cometo the Money Ball inthe center of the mall,
1337
01:18:16,834 --> 01:18:20,434
you will witness the nextValley River Center's deposit.
1338
01:18:21,069 --> 01:18:24,305
We're expecting over a halfa million dollars, folks!
1339
01:18:24,873 --> 01:18:26,706
Once again,ladies and gentlemen,
1340
01:18:26,708 --> 01:18:32,244
the Valley River Centerwants you to knowthat this is your money!
1341
01:18:32,679 --> 01:18:35,680
All the money that you'llclearly see in this Money Ball
1342
01:18:35,682 --> 01:18:39,349
will be pumped right backinto your community.
1343
01:18:39,351 --> 01:18:40,951
That's right,ladies and gentlemen.
1344
01:18:40,953 --> 01:18:45,354
This is Valley River's wayto fight inflation!
1345
01:18:45,356 --> 01:18:47,088
(CHEERING)
1346
01:18:59,032 --> 01:19:00,199
Okay, okay.
1347
01:19:00,734 --> 01:19:02,133
Elaine,
where the hell
have you been?
1348
01:19:02,135 --> 01:19:04,903
I'm sorry
I'm late, Natalie.
Late?
1349
01:19:04,905 --> 01:19:06,370
We're just
freeing the slaves.
1350
01:19:06,372 --> 01:19:09,073
It's 1841 already.
We're almost a state.
1351
01:19:09,075 --> 01:19:11,975
Oregon didn't have any slaves.
Where did you get the slaves?
1352
01:19:11,977 --> 01:19:14,076
Are you sure?
I'm positive.
1353
01:19:14,078 --> 01:19:17,112
Well, it's too late now.
Here, I've been handling
all your light cues for you.
1354
01:19:28,289 --> 01:19:31,490
(EXCLAIMING)
Hey, there. Hey.
1355
01:19:32,057 --> 01:19:33,925
Up to?
What, I scare you?
1356
01:19:33,927 --> 01:19:35,326
I'm not up to anything.
1357
01:19:35,328 --> 01:19:37,128
Where, uh,
where's your friend tonight?
1358
01:19:37,130 --> 01:19:38,261
Elaine...
Uh, Mrs. Houghton.
1359
01:19:38,263 --> 01:19:39,429
Is she coming over tonight?
1360
01:19:39,431 --> 01:19:42,431
She's very busy.
Uh, she's in the show.
1361
01:19:42,433 --> 01:19:44,533
This show here?
Yeah? Really?
Yeah.
1362
01:19:45,335 --> 01:19:48,570
Oh, great.
Maybe I'll, uh,
see her after the show.
1363
01:19:48,572 --> 01:19:49,938
Yeah.
1364
01:19:49,940 --> 01:19:51,939
I gotta
hang around all night
in case somebody gets cute
1365
01:19:51,941 --> 01:19:54,341
with all that money
flying around up there.
1366
01:19:54,343 --> 01:19:58,277
Gee, I don't think anybody
would be foolish enough
to try something like that.
1367
01:19:58,279 --> 01:20:02,346
Officer, uh, Heintzel.
Heintzel, yeah.
Jack Heintzel.
1368
01:20:03,282 --> 01:20:05,983
Remember me? Huh?
From the other night?
1369
01:20:05,985 --> 01:20:07,451
Wheeler's Hardware?
I nearly arrested you
1370
01:20:07,453 --> 01:20:09,419
and your two friends, right?
Remember?
1371
01:20:09,421 --> 01:20:11,186
Yes, I do remember that.
1372
01:20:11,188 --> 01:20:13,690
You should remember,
you bad girl.
1373
01:20:13,692 --> 01:20:15,524
Well, gee.
1374
01:20:16,192 --> 01:20:17,959
I've gotta really
be running.
1375
01:20:17,961 --> 01:20:19,327
Okay, well, see you.
1376
01:20:19,329 --> 01:20:20,427
Oh!
Whoa, got you!
1377
01:20:20,429 --> 01:20:21,629
No, you don't.
1378
01:20:21,631 --> 01:20:25,399
Well, kind of.
I mean... Well...
I mean, thanks.
1379
01:20:26,133 --> 01:20:28,534
Yeah.
I'll see you later.
1380
01:20:41,445 --> 01:20:42,545
Damn it!
1381
01:22:30,563 --> 01:22:37,368
♪ Coming in on
a wing and a prayer
1382
01:22:39,403 --> 01:22:44,239
♪ Though there's one
motor gone
1383
01:22:44,241 --> 01:22:48,743
♪ We can still carry on
1384
01:22:48,745 --> 01:22:54,814
♪ Coming in on
a wing and a prayer ♪
1385
01:22:57,317 --> 01:22:59,618
(PEOPLE CLAPPING)
1386
01:23:00,253 --> 01:23:04,088
Number three,ladies and gentlemen!This is deposit number three.
1387
01:23:04,090 --> 01:23:07,424
Don't forget,ladies and gentlemen,you gotta keep coming.
1388
01:23:07,426 --> 01:23:10,727
You gotta keep coming,because we have one moreto go!
1389
01:23:10,729 --> 01:23:15,230
One more deposit to go.Don't forget, folks,you gotta keep coming!
1390
01:23:15,232 --> 01:23:17,532
ELAINE: Oh, hurry up, Louise.
We're running out of history.
1391
01:23:27,607 --> 01:23:29,774
♪ The red birds cry
1392
01:23:29,776 --> 01:23:33,678
♪ As the Pawnee saw
her brave a-sleeping
1393
01:23:34,146 --> 01:23:36,346
♪ The red birds... ♪
1394
01:23:36,514 --> 01:23:37,848
(GROANING)
1395
01:23:37,850 --> 01:23:39,382
(FARTING)
1396
01:23:46,656 --> 01:23:48,255
(WHIRRING)
1397
01:23:50,325 --> 01:23:52,693
MEN: We're going to build
a new bowling alley!
1398
01:23:52,695 --> 01:23:54,460
Jeez.
1399
01:23:54,462 --> 01:23:57,763
And a new nine million
dollar football stadium!
1400
01:23:58,765 --> 01:24:02,233
And put 10 more beds
in the old hospital.
1401
01:24:04,536 --> 01:24:06,570
(BOAT APPROACHING)
1402
01:24:07,471 --> 01:24:08,905
Son of a bitch!
1403
01:24:09,774 --> 01:24:10,941
(EXCLAIMING)
1404
01:24:12,809 --> 01:24:15,343
Oh, my God,
I'm gonna be late.
1405
01:24:18,447 --> 01:24:21,148
Look at all thatbeautiful loot!
1406
01:24:21,150 --> 01:24:24,784
Look at all of thosebeautiful prizes,ladies and gentlemen.
1407
01:24:24,786 --> 01:24:28,387
It's your fortune.Beat the high cost of living.
1408
01:24:28,488 --> 01:24:31,456
That's the final deposit,ladies and gentlemen.
1409
01:24:31,458 --> 01:24:33,724
The Money Ballis now filled!
1410
01:24:35,493 --> 01:24:36,894
(SAW WHIRRING)
1411
01:24:40,397 --> 01:24:43,232
Well, folks,how much moneydo you think is in there?
1412
01:24:43,234 --> 01:24:48,502
Take a free guess,and you may be one ofour lucky prize winners.
1413
01:24:48,504 --> 01:24:49,904
(PEOPLE CHEERING)
1414
01:24:49,906 --> 01:24:52,172
Don't forget,ladies and gentlemen.
1415
01:24:52,174 --> 01:24:55,575
This is the timeto make your guess.
1416
01:24:55,577 --> 01:24:57,643
The money is all in there.
1417
01:24:57,645 --> 01:25:01,546
Don't forget thewonderful prizes we have.
1418
01:25:01,548 --> 01:25:05,716
Ladies and gentlemen, this isa really once-in-a-lifetimeopportunity,
1419
01:25:05,718 --> 01:25:09,552
so now's the timeto make your guesses.
1420
01:25:16,926 --> 01:25:20,226
How're they going to get
that money out of there?
1421
01:25:20,228 --> 01:25:22,496
Turn it upside down,
I guess.
1422
01:25:36,707 --> 01:25:38,674
(WHIRRING)
1423
01:25:57,391 --> 01:25:58,891
(SQUEAKING)
1424
01:25:58,893 --> 01:26:00,492
(SCREAMING)
1425
01:26:01,394 --> 01:26:02,826
What the hell was that?
1426
01:26:14,369 --> 01:26:16,672
MAN: I said move it. Come on!
1427
01:26:24,979 --> 01:26:27,479
Oh, my God,
they didn't go out.
1428
01:26:29,648 --> 01:26:32,049
Wait a minute, everybody!
The show isn't over yet!
1429
01:26:34,253 --> 01:26:35,485
Uh...
1430
01:26:38,588 --> 01:26:40,723
What happened?
The lights went out.
1431
01:26:40,725 --> 01:26:42,391
Just the stage lights.
1432
01:26:43,293 --> 01:26:44,893
(STAMMERING)Ladies and gentlemen, uh...
1433
01:26:44,895 --> 01:26:47,261
Please, don't leave.
1434
01:26:47,263 --> 01:26:49,396
We have this wonderfulfinale for you.
1435
01:26:49,398 --> 01:26:53,032
Children from the stateorphanage with hopefor the future.
1436
01:26:54,935 --> 01:26:58,670
Talk to them.
I'll get us some light.
1437
01:27:04,443 --> 01:27:05,575
Hi!
1438
01:27:07,411 --> 01:27:08,677
Louise!
1439
01:27:08,679 --> 01:27:11,947
The next time we do this,
we're going to steal
an Indian first.
1440
01:27:11,949 --> 01:27:13,615
Then he can
do the paddling.
1441
01:27:13,617 --> 01:27:15,850
Did you remember
to bring the bags?
1442
01:27:15,852 --> 01:27:18,352
What do you think
I am, stupid?
1443
01:27:19,421 --> 01:27:21,989
Is thereanybody out therewith a flashlight?
1444
01:27:21,991 --> 01:27:24,323
Ah, if anybody hasa flashlight out there,
1445
01:27:24,325 --> 01:27:27,525
I'll show youwhat the future ofthis town's going to be like.
1446
01:27:27,693 --> 01:27:29,694
(CROWD MURMURING)
1447
01:27:30,329 --> 01:27:33,397
Thank you. Uh...
1448
01:27:38,502 --> 01:27:43,105
Well, here it is 1980,
and, uh...
1449
01:27:43,639 --> 01:27:48,376
Here we are.
Out of work, in hock.
1450
01:27:49,778 --> 01:27:51,711
Prices going sky-high.
1451
01:27:55,383 --> 01:27:56,949
About the only thing
we have left
1452
01:27:56,951 --> 01:27:58,751
are the clothes
on our backs.
1453
01:28:00,719 --> 01:28:03,954
And how long do you think
they're going to last, huh?
1454
01:28:06,491 --> 01:28:08,724
(CROWD CHEERING AND WHISTLING)
1455
01:28:10,394 --> 01:28:12,394
That was 1980. Uh...
1456
01:28:12,862 --> 01:28:14,729
How about 1981, huh?
1457
01:28:14,731 --> 01:28:16,898
(CROWD CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING)
1458
01:28:18,633 --> 01:28:21,000
Are you ready for 1982?
1459
01:28:21,002 --> 01:28:22,770
(CROWD ROARING)
1460
01:28:34,513 --> 01:28:36,346
Plug in the other end.
1461
01:28:36,348 --> 01:28:37,814
(WHIRRING)
1462
01:28:47,021 --> 01:28:48,622
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
1463
01:28:56,395 --> 01:28:58,764
Are you ready for 1984?
1464
01:29:10,674 --> 01:29:12,841
(CHEERING AND WHISTLING)
1465
01:29:24,717 --> 01:29:26,485
(WHISTLING)
1466
01:29:36,727 --> 01:29:40,696
That was 1984.
Do you want to see 1986,
1467
01:29:40,698 --> 01:29:42,931
or should we skip
right to 1990?
1468
01:29:43,065 --> 01:29:44,833
(CROWD ROARING)
1469
01:29:50,704 --> 01:29:52,605
Okay, turn it off.
1470
01:30:02,747 --> 01:30:03,948
Okay.
1471
01:30:08,751 --> 01:30:11,018
What the hell's
going on up there?
1472
01:30:17,925 --> 01:30:20,961
You! You, the big
good-looking guard,
1473
01:30:20,963 --> 01:30:22,162
next to the Money Ball.
1474
01:30:22,164 --> 01:30:24,163
Come on up here and help me.
1475
01:30:24,165 --> 01:30:26,498
She meant me!
The hell she did!
1476
01:30:29,668 --> 01:30:31,169
(CROWD ROARING)
1477
01:30:31,804 --> 01:30:32,970
Hey!
1478
01:30:44,146 --> 01:30:46,147
(CRASHING)
1479
01:30:48,483 --> 01:30:50,150
(CROWD SCREAMING)
1480
01:30:59,458 --> 01:31:01,626
Jeez!
What do you see?
1481
01:31:01,628 --> 01:31:03,793
Natalie Pokempher's
rear end.
What happened?
1482
01:31:03,795 --> 01:31:06,763
I don't know,
but I think we better
get the hell out of here.
1483
01:31:07,965 --> 01:31:09,999
(ALL YELLING)
1484
01:31:12,535 --> 01:31:15,036
Stop, stop, stop! Stop!
1485
01:31:17,939 --> 01:31:18,906
Stop?
1486
01:31:35,819 --> 01:31:37,220
(LAUGHING)
1487
01:31:40,657 --> 01:31:42,591
Okay. Let's go.
1488
01:32:16,885 --> 01:32:20,253
JANE: Okay, get in
and shove us off.
LOUISE: Okay.
1489
01:32:21,555 --> 01:32:22,655
Oh!
1490
01:32:30,996 --> 01:32:33,263
We did it, Louise!
We did it!
1491
01:32:33,265 --> 01:32:35,898
(LAUGHING)
I know it, I know it!
1492
01:32:37,034 --> 01:32:39,068
Louise!
Well, the seat's wet.
1493
01:32:39,070 --> 01:32:41,069
(SCREAMING)
Will you...
1494
01:32:41,071 --> 01:32:45,639
(YELPING)
Oh, Louise, you never
stand up in a canoe!
1495
01:32:46,175 --> 01:32:48,008
I can't swim!
1496
01:32:48,610 --> 01:32:50,610
Don't worry,
I've got the money.
1497
01:32:50,612 --> 01:32:52,278
I said, I can't swim!
1498
01:32:53,946 --> 01:32:55,047
Oh, my God!
1499
01:32:55,049 --> 01:32:57,616
I'll be right there, Louise.
I'm coming!
1500
01:32:59,884 --> 01:33:01,085
Jane!
1501
01:33:02,720 --> 01:33:03,920
(YELPING)
1502
01:33:09,792 --> 01:33:10,959
Oh!
1503
01:34:06,303 --> 01:34:07,971
Where the hell
have you two been?
1504
01:34:07,973 --> 01:34:10,039
I've been looking
for you for hours!
1505
01:34:10,774 --> 01:34:13,174
Hi, Elaine.
Hi, Elaine.
1506
01:34:13,676 --> 01:34:14,775
"Hi, Elaine."
1507
01:34:14,777 --> 01:34:16,844
Is that all you can say,
"Hi Elaine"?
1508
01:34:17,012 --> 01:34:18,679
Look at me.
1509
01:34:20,847 --> 01:34:22,782
How much money
did we get?
Two bags.
1510
01:34:22,784 --> 01:34:25,750
But they floated away.
You see, the canoe overturned.
1511
01:34:25,752 --> 01:34:27,919
And I can't swim.
I mean, it was
Louise or the money.
1512
01:34:27,921 --> 01:34:29,987
So where's the money?
1513
01:34:30,622 --> 01:34:32,989
What was going on up there?
I mean, we've been sitting
here for hours
1514
01:34:32,991 --> 01:34:34,290
trying to figure it out.
1515
01:34:34,292 --> 01:34:36,092
You wanna know
what was going on up there?
1516
01:34:36,094 --> 01:34:39,227
I'll show you what was
going on up there. $21.
1517
01:34:39,629 --> 01:34:42,963
And that's not all.
They don't even know
they were robbed.
1518
01:34:42,965 --> 01:34:47,634
I mean, it's bad enough
we didn't get the money,
we don't even get the glory!
1519
01:34:47,636 --> 01:34:50,336
They think
it was an accident.
It's covered by insurance.
1520
01:34:50,338 --> 01:34:52,371
And after all
we went through.
1521
01:34:52,373 --> 01:34:54,039
After all
you went through?
1522
01:34:54,041 --> 01:34:56,808
I exposed myself to
half the men in this town
1523
01:34:56,810 --> 01:34:57,942
to protect your cover,
1524
01:34:57,944 --> 01:34:59,976
and all I get
is a lousy $21.
1525
01:34:59,978 --> 01:35:01,712
$7.
We divide it, Elaine.
1526
01:35:01,714 --> 01:35:03,213
Remember, that was
our original agreement.
1527
01:35:03,215 --> 01:35:05,214
Everything we get,
we divide three ways.
1528
01:35:05,216 --> 01:35:06,649
One-third, one-third,
one-third.
1529
01:35:06,651 --> 01:35:07,883
Stop me, Louise,
I'm going to kill her.
1530
01:35:07,885 --> 01:35:10,051
Honest to God,
Jane, you just had
one lousy thing to do!
1531
01:35:10,053 --> 01:35:11,786
Why don't you calm down?
1532
01:35:11,788 --> 01:35:14,955
You blew it!
Everybody else did their part.
1533
01:35:14,957 --> 01:35:16,957
You lost the goddamn money!
1534
01:35:16,959 --> 01:35:17,990
Everybody else...
1535
01:35:17,992 --> 01:35:19,992
Shut up!
1536
01:35:19,994 --> 01:35:23,328
Look, the bag!
It must've got
stuck in the bushes!
1537
01:35:23,330 --> 01:35:24,996
(SCREAMING)
1538
01:35:24,998 --> 01:35:26,731
It's the money!
1539
01:35:29,066 --> 01:35:31,902
I thought you said
you couldn't swim?
1540
01:35:32,336 --> 01:35:34,037
I forgot.
1541
01:35:34,171 --> 01:35:36,004
Jane, you go get the money.
I'll save the genius.
1542
01:35:36,006 --> 01:35:37,906
Could we divide the money
right up, Elaine?
1543
01:35:37,908 --> 01:35:40,008
Jane, you swim, now!
Because that way
I could get a new dress.
1544
01:35:40,010 --> 01:35:41,909
I'll get the money
right now.
1545
01:35:59,758 --> 01:36:05,093
ELAINE: $22,140, $22,160,
1546
01:36:05,095 --> 01:36:07,363
$22,180...
1547
01:36:07,365 --> 01:36:09,097
(DOORBELL RINGING)
1548
01:36:24,277 --> 01:36:25,978
Oh, my God.
1549
01:36:30,114 --> 01:36:32,348
Morning.
Oh, thank God
it's only you.
1550
01:36:32,350 --> 01:36:36,118
(LAUGHING) What do you mean?
What's wrong?
Nothing, nothing.
1551
01:36:36,120 --> 01:36:38,420
I was just
in the neighborhood,
and I thought I'd come by
1552
01:36:38,422 --> 01:36:41,088
and see how you were
after last night.
1553
01:36:41,090 --> 01:36:43,091
Oh, I'm fine.
How are you?
1554
01:36:44,059 --> 01:36:48,127
Well, uh, for a man who's
taken five cold showers
in the last 12 hours,
1555
01:36:48,129 --> 01:36:50,796
I'm doing pretty good.
1556
01:36:51,063 --> 01:36:53,899
Can I, uh...
Can I come in for a minute?
1557
01:36:53,901 --> 01:36:56,100
A whole minute?
20?
1558
01:36:56,234 --> 01:36:57,802
What for?
1559
01:36:58,069 --> 01:37:01,071
(STAMMERING) Well,
it's about that striptease
you did last night.
1560
01:37:01,073 --> 01:37:02,806
I didn't get to
see the finish.
1561
01:37:02,808 --> 01:37:05,073
Matter of fact,
we never finish
anything, do we?
1562
01:37:05,075 --> 01:37:06,175
No.
1563
01:37:07,210 --> 01:37:09,845
I don't think
we're going to, either.
1564
01:37:10,213 --> 01:37:12,046
What do you mean?
1565
01:37:12,048 --> 01:37:16,383
Well, because I'm not really
interested in spending time
1566
01:37:16,385 --> 01:37:19,986
with someone who only wants
to spend 20 minutes with me.
1567
01:37:19,988 --> 01:37:25,056
the neighborhood
is filled with unhappy,
sexually unfulfilled ladies.
1568
01:37:25,058 --> 01:37:27,424
(STAMMERING) Wait,
what are you talking about?
1569
01:37:27,426 --> 01:37:29,092
(SIGHING)
1570
01:37:29,094 --> 01:37:32,161
Now, I meant what I said
the other night.
1571
01:37:33,096 --> 01:37:36,966
I'm crazy about you.
I want to be with you
all the time.
1572
01:37:40,303 --> 01:37:43,370
Then my phone number
is 375-1096.
1573
01:37:44,472 --> 01:37:48,007
And seeing as how
you have a phone in your car,
it won't even cost you a dime.
1574
01:37:50,477 --> 01:37:51,910
Okay.
1575
01:37:54,780 --> 01:37:56,180
Bye, Jack.
1576
01:38:23,302 --> 01:38:26,403
$22,200,
1577
01:38:27,138 --> 01:38:29,839
$22,220,
1578
01:38:29,841 --> 01:38:32,175
$22,240...
1579
01:38:32,177 --> 01:38:33,877
(PHONE RINGING)
1580
01:38:35,144 --> 01:38:37,346
$22,260.
1581
01:38:40,316 --> 01:38:41,616
Hello?
1582
01:38:44,185 --> 01:38:45,452
Hi.
1583
01:38:49,155 --> 01:38:51,223
Friday night
would be terrific.
1584
01:38:53,392 --> 01:38:55,226
8:00 is fine.
1585
01:38:57,862 --> 01:39:00,030
Yes, I'll dress up, too.
1586
01:39:02,132 --> 01:39:04,233
No, I love Chinese food.
1587
01:39:23,582 --> 01:39:26,150
ALBERT: Louise! Where are you?
1588
01:39:26,485 --> 01:39:28,920
I'm in the bedroom, Albert.
1589
01:39:30,154 --> 01:39:33,055
Oh, God, it's nice
to see you back in here.
1590
01:39:34,357 --> 01:39:38,027
Are you planning to
stay here for a little while?
It's a possibility.
1591
01:39:38,029 --> 01:39:41,495
Look, Louise.
I have a surprise
for you in my pocket.
1592
01:39:41,497 --> 01:39:43,330
I've seen that surprise
before, Albert.
1593
01:39:43,332 --> 01:39:45,232
Not this one,
you haven't.
1594
01:39:45,567 --> 01:39:47,533
What is it?
It's from the IRS.
1595
01:39:47,535 --> 01:39:51,536
I convinced them
Ye Olde Antique Shoppe is
not a hobby, it's a business.
1596
01:39:51,538 --> 01:39:54,272
You open that store
tomorrow morning.
1597
01:39:54,274 --> 01:39:58,242
Albert.
Oh, Albert, thank you!
1598
01:40:00,244 --> 01:40:02,946
Wait, wait.
We have to talk first.
1599
01:40:03,347 --> 01:40:06,949
Talk before sex?
Albert, how beautiful.
1600
01:40:06,951 --> 01:40:11,018
One thing.
Ye Olde Antique Shoppe has
to show a profit every month.
1601
01:40:11,020 --> 01:40:15,021
It will. Albert,
I promise it will, it will.
1602
01:40:16,223 --> 01:40:18,057
Take your clothes off.
No.
1603
01:40:18,059 --> 01:40:19,959
No?
Ask me in French.
1604
01:40:20,961 --> 01:40:22,227
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
1605
01:40:22,229 --> 01:40:24,996
God, I love you!
1606
01:40:26,264 --> 01:40:28,532
(GASPING AND GRUNTING)
1607
01:40:29,934 --> 01:40:31,335
Let me get rid
of this tie.
1608
01:40:31,636 --> 01:40:33,269
Pull it off!
1609
01:40:39,075 --> 01:40:42,109
ROBERT: It's true,
all brides are beautiful.
Thank you.
1610
01:40:47,915 --> 01:40:50,282
Robert, why are you
locking the door?
1611
01:40:50,284 --> 01:40:52,150
We're married, remember?
1612
01:40:52,152 --> 01:40:55,052
I know, but
your little monsters
are only 20 feet away.
1613
01:40:55,054 --> 01:40:56,654
Our little monsters.
1614
01:40:58,290 --> 01:41:00,457
Still, it's a lot
better than my father.
1615
01:41:00,459 --> 01:41:04,259
Yeah. God, I only
hope he'll be happy
in his new apartment.
1616
01:41:04,261 --> 01:41:06,395
Yeah. I only hope that
you'll be happy with him
1617
01:41:06,397 --> 01:41:08,463
working for you
at the hardware store.
1618
01:41:10,633 --> 01:41:14,367
Jane, one small question.
1619
01:41:15,003 --> 01:41:18,270
Yes. The doctor says
that as long as you're
not too passionate,
1620
01:41:18,272 --> 01:41:21,006
we can make love
through the middle
of the sixth month.
1621
01:41:21,008 --> 01:41:24,509
And as long as I'm not
too passionate, through
the middle of the seventh.
1622
01:41:29,279 --> 01:41:31,514
But that wasn't
the question.
1623
01:41:31,516 --> 01:41:35,317
Oh.
Baby, where did you
get that money?
1624
01:41:36,319 --> 01:41:38,519
Oh, that. We stole it.
1625
01:41:39,121 --> 01:41:42,256
Louise and Elaine
and I stole it from
the Valley River Center.
1626
01:41:42,258 --> 01:41:44,457
You know,
Louise needed it
for the antique store,
1627
01:41:44,459 --> 01:41:48,127
and Elaine needed
it for Millard...
Okay, okay, okay.
1628
01:41:48,129 --> 01:41:52,331
But you know,
someday you're going to
have to tell me the truth.
1629
01:41:54,366 --> 01:41:57,000
Oh, that feels really good.
1630
01:41:57,002 --> 01:41:58,502
I haven't done
anything yet.
1631
01:41:58,504 --> 01:42:04,206
I know. It feels good not to
be in the back seat of a car
for the last two years.
1632
01:42:04,508 --> 01:42:07,642
Where in the hell did
you get the money, Jane?
1633
01:42:07,644 --> 01:42:10,545
I already told you,
we stole it.
1634
01:42:11,146 --> 01:42:13,313
Louise drilled a hole
underneath the platform.
1635
01:42:13,315 --> 01:42:15,381
Stuck a vacuum
up in that hole
and just...
1636
01:42:15,383 --> 01:42:17,449
Sucked that money out.
Okay, okay.
1637
01:42:17,451 --> 01:42:20,285
We took it out a conveyor belt
by the river where I came
up with a canoe.
1638
01:42:20,287 --> 01:42:22,521
Mmm-hmm.
But Louise stood up
in the canoe, so it sunk.
1639
01:42:22,523 --> 01:42:26,023
Everything was lost,
and Elaine came up,
really pissed off.
1640
01:42:26,025 --> 01:42:28,559
Starts yelling at us,
and Louise spots the money!
Mmm-hmm.
1641
01:42:28,561 --> 01:42:30,727
So we put all
the money in...
116907
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