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Previously on "You Me Her"...
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00:00:07,360 --> 00:00:08,660
You did this, Em.
3
00:00:08,660 --> 00:00:11,030
I said I love it,
and I love you.
4
00:00:11,030 --> 00:00:13,200
Sorry, I'm just a little
overwhelmed.
5
00:00:13,200 --> 00:00:14,700
Is it possible that
the amount of "whelm"
6
00:00:14,700 --> 00:00:16,230
that you're feeling
is due in part
7
00:00:16,230 --> 00:00:17,700
to the magazine thing?
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00:00:17,700 --> 00:00:19,140
You think you could
call it "the magazine"
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00:00:19,140 --> 00:00:20,800
and not
"the magazine thing"?
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00:00:20,800 --> 00:00:24,040
about some version of childcare?
Woman: Have you guys talked
11
00:00:24,040 --> 00:00:26,380
We're more talking about
talking about it.
12
00:00:26,380 --> 00:00:28,380
Men suck.
That's my thesis.
13
00:00:28,380 --> 00:00:30,180
Mm-hmm, okay.
Jot this one down --
14
00:00:30,180 --> 00:00:31,810
uh, we're confused.
15
00:00:31,810 --> 00:00:34,250
The vexing plight
of the millennial male.
16
00:00:34,250 --> 00:00:36,020
It is our two-month
anniversary.
17
00:00:36,020 --> 00:00:37,750
The things I'm gonna to do
to you when we get home.
18
00:00:37,750 --> 00:00:40,920
sleep with married women.
Oh, what a shame. I don't
19
00:00:40,920 --> 00:00:42,560
Uh, so this is
a bit awkward,
20
00:00:42,560 --> 00:00:45,060
but you postponed
the last two scheduled signings,
21
00:00:45,060 --> 00:00:47,330
and I just wanna make sure
that we're still on for Monday.
22
00:00:47,330 --> 00:00:50,000
Cool.
Cool, cool, coolio.
23
00:00:50,000 --> 00:00:51,970
You seriously need to stop
worrying about the Trakarskies
24
00:00:51,970 --> 00:00:53,540
and start sorting
your own shit.
25
00:00:53,540 --> 00:00:55,570
-Hey there, peanut.
-You saw your dad? How was that?
26
00:00:55,570 --> 00:00:57,210
Go the fuck away.
27
00:00:57,210 --> 00:00:59,810
I texted Emma that Jack and I
would be out of the loft
28
00:00:59,810 --> 00:01:01,380
all day so she can come
deal with all the shit
29
00:01:01,380 --> 00:01:02,250
that we've been storing.
30
00:01:02,250 --> 00:01:04,750
-Hey.
-Hey.
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00:01:04,750 --> 00:01:10,920
♪♪
32
00:01:10,920 --> 00:01:16,990
♪♪
33
00:01:16,990 --> 00:01:18,660
Izzy said you
wouldn't be here.
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00:01:18,660 --> 00:01:20,600
Oh, you talked to Izzy?
35
00:01:20,600 --> 00:01:22,470
said you'd both be gone
Yeah, she texted me,
36
00:01:22,470 --> 00:01:25,640
so I could deal with all
my shit you've been storing.
37
00:01:25,640 --> 00:01:29,240
See, she, uh --
she left a key.
38
00:01:29,240 --> 00:01:33,610
Okay, could you guys
give us some, uh...
39
00:01:33,610 --> 00:01:36,150
When did they leave?
[ Chuckles ]
40
00:01:42,490 --> 00:01:44,720
[ Chuckles ]
41
00:01:44,720 --> 00:01:46,760
Oh, good,
Well, I have a question.
42
00:01:46,760 --> 00:01:49,760
'cause another 10 seconds
of this excruciating silence,
43
00:01:49,760 --> 00:01:51,760
an aneurysm.
and I was gonna fake
44
00:01:51,760 --> 00:01:54,630
[ Laughs ]
45
00:01:54,630 --> 00:01:58,230
Ah. Um, did Izzy not
know you'd be here?
46
00:01:58,230 --> 00:02:01,540
Of course she knew
I'd be here. I...
47
00:02:01,540 --> 00:02:02,940
Oh.
48
00:02:02,940 --> 00:02:05,340
Did we just get
"Parent Trapped"?
49
00:02:05,340 --> 00:02:06,680
Apparently.
50
00:02:06,680 --> 00:02:08,480
Why would she do that?
51
00:02:08,480 --> 00:02:11,610
I think she wants us
to scream
52
00:02:11,610 --> 00:02:13,220
and throws things at each other,
53
00:02:13,220 --> 00:02:14,650
like I need that to move on.
54
00:02:14,650 --> 00:02:16,150
Well, do you need that?
55
00:02:16,150 --> 00:02:18,490
'Cause you can lob something
right at my head.
56
00:02:18,490 --> 00:02:20,320
No.
57
00:02:20,320 --> 00:02:21,990
I'm good.
58
00:02:21,990 --> 00:02:26,730
We're good. Me and Izzy.
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00:02:26,730 --> 00:02:30,700
Um, I actually have
a pretty packed schedule.
60
00:02:30,700 --> 00:02:32,770
I got a lot of errands
to run, just so you know.
61
00:02:32,770 --> 00:02:34,540
What? On a Saturday?
62
00:02:34,540 --> 00:02:36,940
After watching basketball
and drinking beer?
63
00:02:36,940 --> 00:02:38,640
Well, that's new.
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00:02:38,640 --> 00:02:41,710
Mm, it's all-new, Em.
65
00:02:41,710 --> 00:02:43,480
Everything.
66
00:02:43,480 --> 00:02:46,520
Hm. So you really are good,
the two of you?
67
00:02:46,520 --> 00:02:49,820
You're happy?
68
00:02:49,820 --> 00:02:54,490
I love her more than
I ever thought possible.
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00:02:54,490 --> 00:02:56,190
Aww.
70
00:02:56,190 --> 00:02:58,290
That's awesome.
71
00:02:58,290 --> 00:03:00,860
That really makes me happy.
72
00:03:00,860 --> 00:03:10,010
♪♪
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00:03:10,010 --> 00:03:11,770
Augh!
74
00:03:11,770 --> 00:03:14,040
Well, what am I supposed to do?
You won't answer my calls.
75
00:03:14,040 --> 00:03:15,750
Uh, maybe stop calling?
76
00:03:15,750 --> 00:03:17,010
Aw, come on, peanut.
77
00:03:17,010 --> 00:03:18,380
to call me that.
I told you not
78
00:03:18,380 --> 00:03:20,450
-Let's not --
-How did you find me?
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00:03:20,450 --> 00:03:21,550
Your mom.
80
00:03:21,550 --> 00:03:22,720
Mom?
Yeah.
81
00:03:22,720 --> 00:03:24,590
Mom told you where I live?
82
00:03:24,590 --> 00:03:28,890
Yeah, she did.
She thinks we should talk.
83
00:03:28,890 --> 00:03:31,730
Isabelle. [ Sighs ]
84
00:03:31,730 --> 00:03:33,530
Did I invite you to
my side of the street?
85
00:03:33,530 --> 00:03:35,430
No, I didn't.
Go away!
86
00:03:35,430 --> 00:03:37,770
[ Sighs ]
Well, I'm not gonna...
87
00:03:37,770 --> 00:03:38,840
I'm sober.
88
00:03:38,840 --> 00:03:40,400
Can't say the same.
89
00:03:40,400 --> 00:03:42,240
Just downed a couple medicinal
bloodies to even out.
90
00:03:42,240 --> 00:03:44,940
You know what I'm saying?
Never mind. I know you do.
91
00:03:44,940 --> 00:03:49,050
No. I don't mean right now.
I mean I'm sober.
92
00:03:49,050 --> 00:03:54,350
[ Sighs ]
93
00:03:54,350 --> 00:03:55,590
Really?
94
00:03:55,590 --> 00:03:58,050
Yep.
95
00:03:58,050 --> 00:03:59,420
How long?
96
00:03:59,420 --> 00:04:00,860
Little over a year.
97
00:04:00,860 --> 00:04:02,430
Wow.
98
00:04:02,430 --> 00:04:04,430
Only 26 years too late.
99
00:04:04,430 --> 00:04:08,400
[ Sighs ]
100
00:04:08,400 --> 00:04:12,340
-Traffic okay?
-Uh, yeah, I used this app.
101
00:04:12,340 --> 00:04:14,500
Left at precisely
the optimal time
102
00:04:14,500 --> 00:04:17,740
to minimize both departure
and arrival, so...
103
00:04:17,740 --> 00:04:19,810
Wow.
104
00:04:19,810 --> 00:04:22,450
I know. Amazing.
105
00:04:22,450 --> 00:04:25,950
What's it called?
106
00:04:25,950 --> 00:04:28,180
Um, I don't know
off the top of my head,
107
00:04:28,180 --> 00:04:29,620
but I could get my phone.
108
00:04:29,620 --> 00:04:31,350
[ Chuckles ]
Actually, I couldn't care less.
109
00:04:31,350 --> 00:04:34,320
Just couldn't think of
anything else to say.
110
00:04:34,320 --> 00:04:36,260
So, how's everything else
going with you?
111
00:04:36,260 --> 00:04:38,030
I mean, aside from being
more in love
112
00:04:38,030 --> 00:04:39,600
than you ever
thought possible.
113
00:04:39,600 --> 00:04:41,600
Well, it'd be
easier for me
114
00:04:41,600 --> 00:04:43,230
to make a list
of the parts of my body
115
00:04:43,230 --> 00:04:45,500
the dancing I've been doing.
that don't ache from all
116
00:04:45,500 --> 00:04:51,240
Like, my hair and...
that's about it actually.
117
00:04:51,240 --> 00:04:52,680
You -- You dance now?
118
00:04:52,680 --> 00:04:55,080
Oh, yeah. Publicly.
119
00:04:55,080 --> 00:04:57,080
And we're on
the highly-unrecommended
120
00:04:57,080 --> 00:04:59,620
vodka, pot,
and delivery food diet.
121
00:04:59,620 --> 00:05:01,780
[ Chuckles ]
122
00:05:01,780 --> 00:05:04,350
But I get to wake up
every morning, look at her,
123
00:05:04,350 --> 00:05:07,690
and fall in love all over again,
so there's that.
124
00:05:07,690 --> 00:05:11,860
Huh. Mm-hmm.
125
00:05:11,860 --> 00:05:14,730
with what's-her-name?
So, how's, uh, things
126
00:05:14,730 --> 00:05:16,470
Smiley?
127
00:05:16,470 --> 00:05:17,300
Wiley?
128
00:05:17,300 --> 00:05:18,330
Kylie.
129
00:05:18,330 --> 00:05:19,200
Kylie.
130
00:05:19,200 --> 00:05:20,970
[ Chuckles ]
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00:05:20,970 --> 00:05:22,310
She is awesome.
132
00:05:22,310 --> 00:05:23,470
Mm.
133
00:05:23,470 --> 00:05:24,970
"Smiley," really?
134
00:05:24,970 --> 00:05:26,910
That's a name.
Yeah?
135
00:05:26,910 --> 00:05:28,680
Totally gonna name
my first-born daughter
136
00:05:28,680 --> 00:05:29,980
"Smiley Jane Trakarksy."
137
00:05:29,980 --> 00:05:31,410
Yeah, assuming you want her
138
00:05:31,410 --> 00:05:33,180
to grow up to be
a deformed comic-book villain.
139
00:05:33,180 --> 00:05:34,820
[ Chuckles ]
140
00:05:34,820 --> 00:05:38,890
♪♪
141
00:05:38,890 --> 00:05:41,990
So, the lesbian thing
is working out for you?
142
00:05:41,990 --> 00:05:45,700
Um, it is -- it is --
it is going very well.
143
00:05:45,700 --> 00:05:50,730
Thank you for asking.
144
00:05:50,730 --> 00:05:52,300
Can we take a second
just to acknowledge
145
00:05:52,300 --> 00:05:53,700
how weird
this conversation is?
146
00:05:53,700 --> 00:05:55,300
imagine that --
I mean, did you ever
147
00:05:55,300 --> 00:05:57,570
No, Em.
148
00:05:57,570 --> 00:05:59,910
This is not what
I imagined.
149
00:05:59,910 --> 00:06:01,810
At all.
150
00:06:01,810 --> 00:06:03,250
Yeah.
151
00:06:03,250 --> 00:06:06,480
Can you give me five minutes
without storming off?
152
00:06:06,480 --> 00:06:11,420
[ Sighs ]
Okay, four?
153
00:06:11,420 --> 00:06:14,560
I'm getting my shit
together, Isabelle.
154
00:06:14,560 --> 00:06:17,560
I'm here for a pretty major
construction project.
155
00:06:17,560 --> 00:06:20,330
than I ever have before.
I'm managing a bigger crew
156
00:06:20,330 --> 00:06:22,370
It's "Izzy."
Don't call me "Isabelle."
157
00:06:22,370 --> 00:06:25,800
Right, Izzy. I'm not bragging.
I'm just saying I've changed.
158
00:06:25,800 --> 00:06:28,440
Here's a thought -- what if
you gave up the bottle too late
159
00:06:28,440 --> 00:06:30,070
and you just suddenly die
right in front of me
160
00:06:30,070 --> 00:06:31,710
and that's why you're here --
karmic justice?
161
00:06:31,710 --> 00:06:32,940
[ Laughs ]
162
00:06:32,940 --> 00:06:34,440
I'm imagining you
dropping dead.
163
00:06:34,440 --> 00:06:35,780
Why are you laughing?
164
00:06:35,780 --> 00:06:37,410
when you try to be mean.
Because you're funny
165
00:06:37,410 --> 00:06:39,420
Oh, my God.
166
00:06:39,420 --> 00:06:43,150
Uh, it's mid-Swedish
Mm, nope.
modernalism.
167
00:06:43,150 --> 00:06:46,460
"Mid-Swedish" isn't a thing,
and "modernalism" isn't a word.
168
00:06:46,460 --> 00:06:50,330
Mm, my original
Jorgen Erikson --
169
00:06:50,330 --> 00:06:52,130
the first furniture
acquisition
170
00:06:52,130 --> 00:06:55,630
I could honestly refer to
as a piece.
171
00:06:55,630 --> 00:06:57,770
could afford. [Chuckles]
It was way more than we
172
00:06:57,770 --> 00:07:00,040
Yeah, we had to sleep on
a mattress on the floor
173
00:07:00,040 --> 00:07:01,540
for six months
so you could buy that.
174
00:07:01,540 --> 00:07:03,610
No, we slept on a mattress
for six months
175
00:07:03,610 --> 00:07:06,480
because you couldn't figure out
how to build the IKEA bed frame.
176
00:07:06,480 --> 00:07:09,680
As I recall,
neither could the architect.
177
00:07:09,680 --> 00:07:12,620
Pretty sure the Swedes
are fucking with us.
178
00:07:14,620 --> 00:07:16,150
I haven't
looked through this stuff.
179
00:07:16,150 --> 00:07:18,720
this is all yours?
Are you sure
180
00:07:18,720 --> 00:07:25,660
♪♪
181
00:07:25,660 --> 00:07:33,170
♪♪
182
00:07:33,170 --> 00:07:36,540
Alex: Okay, so, I stuck
my widget in your launch pad.
183
00:07:36,540 --> 00:07:38,610
Whoa! He stuck your what
in my what?
184
00:07:38,610 --> 00:07:40,280
Buy a girl a drink first.
185
00:07:40,280 --> 00:07:43,010
I...you --
the -- [clears throat]
186
00:07:43,010 --> 00:07:44,310
The, uh --
187
00:07:44,310 --> 00:07:45,610
Oh, that's great.
You broke Alex.
188
00:07:45,610 --> 00:07:46,980
the muscles, babe.
Well, you gotta flex
189
00:07:46,980 --> 00:07:48,450
Use 'em or lose 'em.
190
00:07:48,450 --> 00:07:51,690
It's, uh, cloud-based,
and, uh, mm...whew!
191
00:07:51,690 --> 00:07:52,890
[ Chuckles ]
192
00:07:52,890 --> 00:07:54,860
And now he's reverted
to puberty.
193
00:07:54,860 --> 00:07:57,030
So we can
all access the files,
194
00:07:57,030 --> 00:07:59,130
and we can see the layout
in progress,
195
00:07:59,130 --> 00:08:02,130
get notes on the page
like...this.
196
00:08:02,130 --> 00:08:05,430
Oh, God, Alex,
you're amazing.
197
00:08:05,430 --> 00:08:09,710
[ Chuckles ]
Th-Thank you so much.
198
00:08:09,710 --> 00:08:12,040
Oh, uh, hey, Carmen.
199
00:08:12,040 --> 00:08:13,740
When did --
When did you get here?
200
00:08:13,740 --> 00:08:15,340
Unbelievable.
[ Door opens, closes ]
201
00:08:15,340 --> 00:08:17,280
Hey, Carm.
202
00:08:17,280 --> 00:08:18,280
Hey.
203
00:08:18,280 --> 00:08:20,220
Hey. Hey, Hannah.
204
00:08:20,220 --> 00:08:23,420
Oh, you got a little,
uh...adolescent male
on your shirt there.
205
00:08:23,420 --> 00:08:25,920
Oh, Alex works for
the printing company.
206
00:08:25,920 --> 00:08:27,120
He's 24.
207
00:08:27,120 --> 00:08:29,260
-Great.
-People are still 24?
208
00:08:29,260 --> 00:08:31,560
And you're doing earmuffs on him
like he's some sort of child.
209
00:08:31,560 --> 00:08:33,760
That's great. Do you guys have
an HR department yet, or...?
210
00:08:33,760 --> 00:08:35,770
-Mnh-mnh.
-I don't mind. [ Chuckles ]
211
00:08:35,770 --> 00:08:37,830
Okay, so, what's wrong?
What's going on?
212
00:08:37,830 --> 00:08:41,040
Thing's kinda went south
pretty fast over there.
213
00:08:41,040 --> 00:08:42,770
Like, Deep South.
Like Alabama.
214
00:08:42,770 --> 00:08:44,570
over there.
Things went Alabama
215
00:08:44,570 --> 00:08:46,180
I left the house
40 minutes ago.
216
00:08:46,180 --> 00:08:48,080
I know.
It was all very sudden.
217
00:08:48,080 --> 00:08:49,850
I'm gonna go ahead and blame
the uprising on hunger,
218
00:08:49,850 --> 00:08:51,950
because we are literally
out of everything.
219
00:08:51,950 --> 00:08:53,880
Hey. Why don't you and I
take a break?
220
00:08:53,880 --> 00:08:55,180
Give this two some space.
221
00:08:55,180 --> 00:08:56,950
For sure. Absolutely.
[ Chuckles ]
222
00:08:56,950 --> 00:09:00,590
-Bye...Alex.
-Bye.
223
00:09:00,590 --> 00:09:03,130
He only intermittently
knows I exist,
224
00:09:03,130 --> 00:09:05,290
but he melts into a puddle
every time Hannah speaks.
225
00:09:05,290 --> 00:09:07,760
Can we get back to
the Amari famine of 2018 please?
226
00:09:07,760 --> 00:09:09,930
Right. Right, okay,
well, listen close,
227
00:09:09,930 --> 00:09:12,940
because this is incredibly
useful information.
228
00:09:12,940 --> 00:09:16,010
There are these large,
regulated establishments
229
00:09:16,010 --> 00:09:18,140
filled with every type of food
you can possibly imagine,
230
00:09:18,140 --> 00:09:19,740
can't find something,
and if you
231
00:09:19,740 --> 00:09:22,340
kindly Samaritans with
name tags will guide you.
232
00:09:22,340 --> 00:09:23,680
That's very clever.
233
00:09:23,680 --> 00:09:25,920
Now, if I go to
this magical place,
234
00:09:25,920 --> 00:09:27,850
Absolutely not!
can I leave the kids here?
235
00:09:27,850 --> 00:09:29,450
Okay, so then,
how does that work?
236
00:09:29,450 --> 00:09:32,660
[ Groaning ]
237
00:09:32,660 --> 00:09:34,920
Oh, you're doing the thing
where you...
238
00:09:34,920 --> 00:09:37,330
but your mouth is sealed shut,
wanna say something,
239
00:09:37,330 --> 00:09:39,960
and your eyebrows
are dancing.
240
00:09:39,960 --> 00:09:41,800
I mean, you've taken
the kids to the store
241
00:09:41,800 --> 00:09:43,130
countless times, right?
242
00:09:43,130 --> 00:09:44,970
Somehow we all keep
coming back alive!
243
00:09:44,970 --> 00:09:46,740
You think I like coming
over here like some
hapless Neanderthal?
244
00:09:46,740 --> 00:09:49,240
I am very disappointed
with myself right now!
245
00:09:49,240 --> 00:09:51,310
This is hard.
246
00:09:53,510 --> 00:09:56,310
Well, that's a start.
247
00:09:56,310 --> 00:09:58,950
Yeah?
248
00:09:58,950 --> 00:10:02,250
Well, what's going on here?
Are you coming home soon-ish?
249
00:10:02,250 --> 00:10:05,690
I will come home when I'm
done-ish, just like you.
250
00:10:05,690 --> 00:10:08,290
Okay.
251
00:10:08,290 --> 00:10:09,990
Mm.
252
00:10:09,990 --> 00:10:12,030
Go to the store
with your children.
253
00:10:12,030 --> 00:10:13,430
Women will swoon.
254
00:10:13,430 --> 00:10:14,930
Intriguing.
255
00:10:14,930 --> 00:10:16,530
Trust me.
Super-fucking hot.
256
00:10:16,530 --> 00:10:17,430
All right, go.
Hop to.
257
00:10:17,430 --> 00:10:18,800
Back to work, people!
258
00:10:18,800 --> 00:10:22,440
♪♪
259
00:10:22,440 --> 00:10:24,110
Are you gonna do
your ceremonial breath cleaning
260
00:10:24,110 --> 00:10:26,610
of a single glass,
or is now a bad time?
261
00:10:26,610 --> 00:10:29,810
Okay, so the experiment's
definitely gonna need
what we call controls.
262
00:10:29,810 --> 00:10:31,410
Yeah, no, I'm familiar
with the concept.
263
00:10:31,410 --> 00:10:33,420
That means we need to keep
a lot of things the same
264
00:10:33,420 --> 00:10:35,350
so that we can accurately
measure the differences
265
00:10:35,350 --> 00:10:37,120
between my test subjects.
266
00:10:37,120 --> 00:10:39,360
Yeah. [ Chuckles ]
267
00:10:39,360 --> 00:10:41,290
Did you just
womansplain me?
268
00:10:42,530 --> 00:10:43,490
Is that too soon?
269
00:10:43,490 --> 00:10:45,830
Way too fuckin' soon.
270
00:10:45,830 --> 00:10:47,460
So, I'm thinking that
I should meet all of my dates
271
00:10:47,460 --> 00:10:49,670
the same way and go to
the same place with them.
272
00:10:49,670 --> 00:10:52,740
I was thinking a dating app
and right here,
273
00:10:52,740 --> 00:10:54,340
not too late,
not too early.
274
00:10:54,340 --> 00:10:55,840
Those are the controls.
275
00:10:55,840 --> 00:10:57,070
Right here?
276
00:10:57,070 --> 00:10:58,510
Yeah, you got a problem
with that?
277
00:10:58,510 --> 00:11:00,740
No, no.
Date on, Garth.
278
00:11:03,480 --> 00:11:05,010
Date like nobody's watching',
huh?
279
00:11:05,010 --> 00:11:06,880
Date -- Date
till the cows come home.
280
00:11:06,880 --> 00:11:08,250
Date like...
281
00:11:08,250 --> 00:11:10,490
Did you hit your head on
that same shelf again?
282
00:11:10,490 --> 00:11:12,220
♪♪
283
00:11:12,220 --> 00:11:14,690
Boom! First date's
gonna be tomorrow night.
284
00:11:14,690 --> 00:11:16,190
a little sure of themselves.
Okay, well, someone's
285
00:11:16,190 --> 00:11:17,830
So, one cleavage shot,
286
00:11:17,830 --> 00:11:20,260
and all the men of Portland
are instantly reduced
287
00:11:20,260 --> 00:11:23,100
to horny, right-swiping zombies?
Come on.
288
00:11:23,100 --> 00:11:24,830
[ Cellphone chimes ]
289
00:11:24,830 --> 00:11:25,830
Well, that's just...
290
00:11:25,830 --> 00:11:29,570
[ Cellphone chiming ]
291
00:11:29,570 --> 00:11:32,140
Well, co--
[ Chiming continues ]
292
00:11:32,140 --> 00:11:33,840
I'm sorry.
What did you say?
293
00:11:33,840 --> 00:11:36,050
over the teeming horde
I-I can't hear you
294
00:11:36,050 --> 00:11:37,750
of lustful suitors.
295
00:11:37,750 --> 00:11:39,750
Okay -- The --
[ Chiming continues ]
296
00:11:39,750 --> 00:11:42,990
The point is --
How about you --
297
00:11:42,990 --> 00:11:45,690
[ Chiming continues ]
298
00:11:45,690 --> 00:11:47,720
Never mind.
299
00:11:47,720 --> 00:11:50,260
[ Chuckles ] Oh, my God, this
guy's dressed like a wizard.
300
00:11:50,260 --> 00:11:55,430
Shaun, look.
Shaun?
301
00:11:55,430 --> 00:11:57,170
Shaun?
302
00:11:57,170 --> 00:11:58,700
Hmm. Maybe.
303
00:11:58,700 --> 00:12:00,500
[ Birds chirping ]
304
00:12:00,500 --> 00:12:04,510
but I could eat.
I don't know about you,
305
00:12:04,510 --> 00:12:06,480
Um...yeah,
I don't think --
306
00:12:06,480 --> 00:12:08,040
We don't have
anything here, but...
307
00:12:08,040 --> 00:12:09,650
That's fine.
...we could get delivery
or something?
308
00:12:09,650 --> 00:12:10,980
I'm sorry.
That was a bad idea.
309
00:12:10,980 --> 00:12:14,580
It's not a party.
Let's just, um...
310
00:12:14,580 --> 00:12:16,050
Oh, my God.
Why do we have
311
00:12:16,050 --> 00:12:19,590
of ear buds?
23 perfectly-good sets
312
00:12:19,590 --> 00:12:22,990
And 19 half-burned
holiday candles.
313
00:12:22,990 --> 00:12:25,160
You'd think just once
we would look for leftovers.
314
00:12:25,160 --> 00:12:27,730
Can I please light all the
pumpkin spice candles for Izzy?
315
00:12:27,730 --> 00:12:28,930
Best or worst idea ever?
316
00:12:28,930 --> 00:12:30,270
[ Scoffs ]
317
00:12:30,270 --> 00:12:32,640
It's kinda -- Wh-What
does that mean? Huff?
318
00:12:32,640 --> 00:12:36,040
I mean,
what the fuck is that?
319
00:12:36,040 --> 00:12:37,070
Are you serious?
320
00:12:37,070 --> 00:12:40,240
Yeah.
321
00:12:40,240 --> 00:12:42,440
Izzy set this up.
It's what she wanted.
322
00:12:42,440 --> 00:12:44,080
You think this is
what she wanted --
323
00:12:44,080 --> 00:12:47,220
for us to continue
not talking about it?
324
00:12:47,220 --> 00:12:51,720
Trade quips about ear buds
and fucking holiday candles?
325
00:12:51,720 --> 00:12:54,260
I was just...trying to --
You know what?
326
00:12:54,260 --> 00:12:57,590
We can just have the movers
take the rest of this stuff.
327
00:12:57,590 --> 00:13:00,900
You should go.
328
00:13:00,900 --> 00:13:05,970
♪♪
329
00:13:05,970 --> 00:13:07,640
Okay.
330
00:13:07,640 --> 00:13:13,710
♪♪
331
00:13:13,710 --> 00:13:15,780
Make your amends
and go away already.
332
00:13:15,780 --> 00:13:19,210
Okay, well, I-I called you
when I got my one-month chip
333
00:13:19,210 --> 00:13:21,220
and then my three-month chip
and then my one-year --
334
00:13:21,220 --> 00:13:24,020
I heard the messages.
I just assumed you were lying.
335
00:13:24,020 --> 00:13:25,690
Uh, n-no.
336
00:13:25,690 --> 00:13:27,820
Not to rub it in
or anything.
337
00:13:27,820 --> 00:13:29,630
It's kinda hard
to work construction
338
00:13:29,630 --> 00:13:31,790
of other people drinking.
if you can't handle the concept
339
00:13:31,790 --> 00:13:34,500
Cool, 'cause those bloodies
are starting to wear off,
340
00:13:34,500 --> 00:13:37,870
and this surprise visit of yours
is accelerating my headache.
341
00:13:37,870 --> 00:13:39,940
Guess it's 4:00 somewhere.
342
00:13:39,940 --> 00:13:41,940
Are you suggesting that
I'm an alcoholic like you?
343
00:13:41,940 --> 00:13:43,440
No.
344
00:13:43,440 --> 00:13:44,940
You know, you can't just
drop back into my adult life
345
00:13:44,940 --> 00:13:46,140
and parent me.
346
00:13:46,140 --> 00:13:48,110
Okay, fine.
Fine. Understood.
347
00:13:48,110 --> 00:13:50,210
to be --
I just want a chance
348
00:13:50,210 --> 00:13:51,180
What?
349
00:13:51,180 --> 00:13:52,680
[ Sighs ] I don't know.
350
00:13:52,680 --> 00:13:56,820
Whatever you'll let me be,
I guess.
351
00:13:56,820 --> 00:13:58,350
Well, here's a tip --
352
00:13:58,350 --> 00:14:00,060
Don't do the annoying
12-step thing
353
00:14:00,060 --> 00:14:01,490
where everybody
has to get into
354
00:14:01,490 --> 00:14:04,130
the same rickety,
joyless boat as you.
355
00:14:04,130 --> 00:14:06,260
You're right.
What?
356
00:14:06,260 --> 00:14:08,900
I won't.
I said you're right.
357
00:14:08,900 --> 00:14:11,400
Good!
358
00:14:11,400 --> 00:14:16,270
♪♪
359
00:14:16,270 --> 00:14:20,180
You know what?
No.
360
00:14:20,180 --> 00:14:21,580
"No" what?
361
00:14:21,580 --> 00:14:23,580
I'm not leaving.
362
00:14:23,580 --> 00:14:25,910
Oh, and this?
363
00:14:25,910 --> 00:14:28,620
This is mine.
364
00:14:28,620 --> 00:14:29,890
What is that?
365
00:14:29,890 --> 00:14:31,290
That is the kind of mix
a guy makes
366
00:14:31,290 --> 00:14:33,060
when he's trying to prove
that he's too cool
367
00:14:33,060 --> 00:14:35,060
has ever heard of.
to listen to music anyone else
368
00:14:35,060 --> 00:14:36,930
Okay, 'cause I originally
got that
369
00:14:36,930 --> 00:14:38,390
from a philosophy
grad assistant
370
00:14:38,390 --> 00:14:40,060
who I dated
for like five minutes.
371
00:14:40,060 --> 00:14:45,100
So, you remixed me, and you
never came clean about it?
372
00:14:45,100 --> 00:14:48,840
Yeah.
That was my big secret.
373
00:14:50,710 --> 00:14:52,510
Right.
374
00:14:55,410 --> 00:14:59,350
I'm sorry, Jack.
375
00:14:59,350 --> 00:15:01,350
I really am sorry.
376
00:15:13,260 --> 00:15:15,130
the only baby gift we got
You know that was
377
00:15:15,130 --> 00:15:17,130
before the miscarriage?
378
00:15:25,770 --> 00:15:28,140
First time I...
379
00:15:28,140 --> 00:15:30,980
I thought the universe was
trying to tell me something.
380
00:15:37,150 --> 00:15:40,620
Izzy's right.
We need to talk.
381
00:15:46,860 --> 00:15:48,630
Yeah.
382
00:15:53,400 --> 00:15:54,800
Could you clear
something up for me?
383
00:15:54,800 --> 00:15:56,340
I mean, it's not big deal.
384
00:15:56,340 --> 00:15:58,340
Just a vexing mystery
of my entire existence.
385
00:15:58,340 --> 00:16:01,280
Shoot.
Yeah, piece of cake.
386
00:16:01,280 --> 00:16:02,980
If you and Mom hated
each other so much,
387
00:16:02,980 --> 00:16:04,650
why did you get married?
388
00:16:04,650 --> 00:16:07,880
We didn't start out
hating each other.
389
00:16:07,880 --> 00:16:11,020
Things got dark
after I lost my job.
390
00:16:11,020 --> 00:16:14,220
That's your excuse?
391
00:16:14,220 --> 00:16:15,890
It had nothing to do
with the excessive drinking
392
00:16:15,890 --> 00:16:17,990
or the affairs?
393
00:16:17,990 --> 00:16:21,060
I'm an alcoholic,
and I was a shitty father.
394
00:16:21,060 --> 00:16:23,700
all out there,
And while I'm laying it
395
00:16:23,700 --> 00:16:25,470
your mother and I were
never really in love,
396
00:16:25,470 --> 00:16:27,140
so when things got
a little rough...
397
00:16:27,140 --> 00:16:30,640
That's nice.
...we took it out
on each other.
398
00:16:30,640 --> 00:16:32,240
I only stayed for you.
399
00:16:36,550 --> 00:16:38,310
Well, I guess
you got over me.
400
00:16:38,310 --> 00:16:40,550
Was it the braces?
Zits?
401
00:16:40,550 --> 00:16:44,320
Something I said?
402
00:16:44,320 --> 00:16:46,820
myself that it was
When I left, I-I told
403
00:16:46,820 --> 00:16:48,990
the best thing for you.
404
00:16:48,990 --> 00:16:51,430
But now I realize
that I was just doing
405
00:16:51,430 --> 00:16:53,260
what drunks do
when things get hard.
406
00:16:53,260 --> 00:16:57,100
I ran away.
407
00:16:57,100 --> 00:17:02,540
And I know they're just words,
but I need to say them.
408
00:17:02,540 --> 00:17:06,240
I'm sorry.
409
00:17:06,240 --> 00:17:11,250
[ Voice breaking ] And you
will never know how much, Izzy.
410
00:17:11,250 --> 00:17:14,880
♪♪
411
00:17:14,880 --> 00:17:16,950
There's one more stop.
412
00:17:16,950 --> 00:17:24,090
♪♪
413
00:17:24,090 --> 00:17:26,900
Hey. Hi, hi. Hello.
414
00:17:26,900 --> 00:17:29,130
Um, this,
what you're doing --
415
00:17:29,130 --> 00:17:30,730
It's against
FDA rules, okay?
416
00:17:30,730 --> 00:17:32,470
Something about saliva
417
00:17:32,470 --> 00:17:34,700
and the fact that
it's fucking annoying.
418
00:17:34,700 --> 00:17:36,240
Yeah, so if you guys
don't stop immediately,
419
00:17:36,240 --> 00:17:37,770
I'm gonna have to punch you
both in the face,
420
00:17:37,770 --> 00:17:39,310
and I don't wanna.
421
00:17:39,310 --> 00:17:41,980
Sorry.
It's the law, so...
422
00:17:41,980 --> 00:17:43,610
Shaun, what do you want?
Sorry.
423
00:17:43,610 --> 00:17:45,410
I'm not in the mood to be
berated about how little I work.
424
00:17:45,410 --> 00:17:47,580
Okay, for the record,
you basically get paid
425
00:17:47,580 --> 00:17:50,390
to hang around at a bar that
you already hung around at.
426
00:17:50,390 --> 00:17:51,790
Which, saying it out loud,
427
00:17:51,790 --> 00:17:53,620
makes me think that
it's a pretty cool idea.
428
00:17:53,620 --> 00:17:56,760
Hey, and you and your bestie
have violence issues!
429
00:17:56,760 --> 00:17:59,460
Deal with it.
Get a Groupon.
430
00:18:04,100 --> 00:18:08,540
What's wrong?
431
00:18:08,540 --> 00:18:10,970
Fucker keeps posting
these weird pictures
432
00:18:10,970 --> 00:18:12,810
of him and his dad
somewhere in the woods,
433
00:18:12,810 --> 00:18:14,280
smiling all over
themselves.
434
00:18:14,280 --> 00:18:16,710
Why the hell are they
in the woods all the time?!
435
00:18:16,710 --> 00:18:19,310
Right, I-I'm thinking
it's not so much the woods
436
00:18:19,310 --> 00:18:21,880
as it is
the excessive smiling.
437
00:18:21,880 --> 00:18:23,050
Am I right?
438
00:18:23,050 --> 00:18:25,220
how dare he be so happy?
I mean,
439
00:18:25,220 --> 00:18:27,320
Ow!
You gotta stop doing that!
440
00:18:27,320 --> 00:18:29,460
You got these bony,
little knuckles.
441
00:18:29,460 --> 00:18:33,500
Pussy.
Psycho.
442
00:18:33,500 --> 00:18:36,730
Okay.
443
00:18:36,730 --> 00:18:39,500
My best, most logical guess
is that...
444
00:18:39,500 --> 00:18:42,200
clearly a zombie outbreak
has happened
445
00:18:42,200 --> 00:18:43,610
somewhere
near Salem, Oregon,
446
00:18:43,610 --> 00:18:45,610
to the woods to survive.
and they've taken
447
00:18:45,610 --> 00:18:47,940
And it's all
shits and giggles
448
00:18:47,940 --> 00:18:50,150
for, you know,
dad and son here,
449
00:18:50,150 --> 00:18:52,780
and they're just
shitting and -- and giggling
450
00:18:52,780 --> 00:18:54,780
and building lean-tos
until someone's face
451
00:18:54,780 --> 00:18:57,890
gets eaten off, which...
452
00:18:57,890 --> 00:19:02,360
clearly hasn't happened yet, and
that's why they're there, so...
453
00:19:02,360 --> 00:19:04,160
Mystery solved.
Occam's razor.
454
00:19:04,160 --> 00:19:05,790
You're welcome. Next.
455
00:19:05,790 --> 00:19:08,600
You are so fuckin' weird.
[ Chuckles ]
456
00:19:08,600 --> 00:19:13,140
♪♪
457
00:19:13,840 --> 00:19:16,510
[ Chuckles ]
458
00:19:16,510 --> 00:19:19,680
It's cute.
Mm.
459
00:19:22,410 --> 00:19:24,180
If you'd ask me a year ago
where would we be right now,
460
00:19:24,180 --> 00:19:26,780
I would've said,
"On your favorite rug
461
00:19:26,780 --> 00:19:29,750
in our perfect
Hawthorne Heights home,
462
00:19:29,750 --> 00:19:31,420
staring at our baby,
463
00:19:31,420 --> 00:19:34,120
interpreting
every burp or shit
464
00:19:34,120 --> 00:19:35,860
of future greatness."
as a sure sign
465
00:19:35,860 --> 00:19:37,360
[ Chuckles ] Yeah.
466
00:19:37,360 --> 00:19:38,860
We would've been that couple
467
00:19:38,860 --> 00:19:41,060
posting a hundred
indistinguishable baby photos
468
00:19:41,060 --> 00:19:44,400
on Instagram when really one
would be just boring enough.
469
00:19:44,400 --> 00:19:47,770
[ Chuckles ]
470
00:19:47,770 --> 00:19:51,540
When did you stop
wanting kids?
471
00:19:51,540 --> 00:19:53,080
There wasn't one moment.
472
00:19:53,080 --> 00:19:56,610
It just kinda happened
gradually over the years.
473
00:19:56,610 --> 00:20:01,680
to me about it?
Ever consider talking
474
00:20:01,680 --> 00:20:05,050
I did.
You just never heard me.
475
00:20:07,790 --> 00:20:09,860
So that's how you
sleep at night.
476
00:20:09,860 --> 00:20:11,060
I've wondered.
477
00:20:11,060 --> 00:20:12,430
Yeah, and how do you
sleep at night
478
00:20:12,430 --> 00:20:13,900
ever since Izzy's
high-functioning uterus
479
00:20:13,900 --> 00:20:15,860
became the center
of your world?
480
00:20:15,860 --> 00:20:18,700
[ Sighs ] Please tell
me I did not just
fucking hear that.
481
00:20:18,700 --> 00:20:20,400
Hold on a sec.
482
00:20:20,400 --> 00:20:22,000
I don't get a side
to this story?
483
00:20:22,000 --> 00:20:24,340
No. You absolutely,
100% do not.
484
00:20:24,340 --> 00:20:26,270
Jack, admit it --
it was just a matter of time
485
00:20:26,270 --> 00:20:28,010
before you and Izzy
thought of me
486
00:20:28,010 --> 00:20:30,180
as the barren first wife
who forget to leave.
487
00:20:30,180 --> 00:20:32,350
No, you do not get to be
the wounded one.
488
00:20:32,350 --> 00:20:34,120
You fucking imposter.
489
00:20:34,120 --> 00:20:37,090
this from the guy
"Imposter"? "Imposter" --
490
00:20:37,090 --> 00:20:39,520
who hands out mixes of songs
he's never heard of.
491
00:20:39,520 --> 00:20:41,960
You hired an escort
to get your groove back,
492
00:20:41,960 --> 00:20:43,530
and then you got down
on your fucking knees
493
00:20:43,530 --> 00:20:45,030
and begged her
to have your baby
494
00:20:45,030 --> 00:20:46,730
right in front of
your goddamn fucking wife.
495
00:20:48,730 --> 00:20:51,400
Bravo.
Author, author.
496
00:20:51,400 --> 00:20:52,970
Oh, my God, at least see
an actual play
497
00:20:52,970 --> 00:20:54,340
the jargon.
before you toss around
498
00:20:54,340 --> 00:20:55,540
What about our marriage?
Huh?
499
00:20:55,540 --> 00:20:56,740
I had a fucking
front-row seat
500
00:20:56,740 --> 00:20:59,340
to that bullshit piece
of theatre.
501
00:20:59,340 --> 00:21:01,510
Kudos on the surprise ending,
by the way.
502
00:21:01,510 --> 00:21:04,080
Corporate jet
and a six-line text?
503
00:21:04,080 --> 00:21:07,620
That's fuckin' nice.
504
00:21:07,620 --> 00:21:10,020
Jesus, Emma, how could you
do that to me?
505
00:21:12,520 --> 00:21:15,320
right now.
I can't do this with you
506
00:21:15,320 --> 00:21:17,330
If you won't leave,
I will.
507
00:21:18,360 --> 00:21:19,530
Jack.
508
00:21:19,530 --> 00:21:21,030
Jack!
509
00:21:21,030 --> 00:21:23,170
Just tell me what to do,
what to say, how to fix it.
510
00:21:23,170 --> 00:21:24,930
I want to fix this.
What do you want to do?
511
00:21:24,930 --> 00:21:26,940
You want to be
fucking friends?
512
00:21:26,940 --> 00:21:29,340
You want to double date,
go to each other's weddings?
513
00:21:29,340 --> 00:21:31,070
Are you
fucking kidding me?
514
00:21:31,070 --> 00:21:33,110
who only builds things
You are a delusional psychopath
515
00:21:33,110 --> 00:21:34,780
to compensate for everything
she destroys.
516
00:21:34,780 --> 00:21:36,610
Fuck you and your diagnosis
of me.
517
00:21:36,610 --> 00:21:40,620
Fuck me? You owe me
12 fucking years.
518
00:21:40,620 --> 00:21:42,250
Fuck you!
519
00:21:42,250 --> 00:21:43,850
Fuck you!
520
00:21:43,850 --> 00:21:45,350
Fuck!
521
00:21:45,350 --> 00:21:47,590
[ Winces ]
522
00:21:47,590 --> 00:21:49,260
-I'm sorry.
-Jesus.
523
00:21:49,260 --> 00:21:51,190
Here, let me take a look.
Oh, here.
524
00:21:51,190 --> 00:21:53,330
[ Chuckles ]
525
00:21:53,330 --> 00:21:55,160
[ Groans ]
526
00:21:55,160 --> 00:21:56,530
Are you...
527
00:21:56,530 --> 00:21:57,870
Yeah, I don't know.
That's like some real
528
00:21:57,870 --> 00:21:59,630
"War of the Roses" type
shit, except...
529
00:21:59,630 --> 00:22:04,340
-It was -- It was soft.
-Softer. Yeah.
530
00:22:04,340 --> 00:22:05,970
Sorry.
531
00:22:05,970 --> 00:22:12,310
♪♪
532
00:22:12,310 --> 00:22:15,320
[ Chuckles ]
533
00:22:15,320 --> 00:22:18,550
♪♪
534
00:22:18,550 --> 00:22:20,560
people over?
So, you're having
535
00:22:20,560 --> 00:22:22,820
Nope. I'm consuming
an extra-large pizza,
536
00:22:22,820 --> 00:22:24,830
a case of beer,
and 29 bucks worth of candy
537
00:22:24,830 --> 00:22:26,530
all by myself.
538
00:22:26,530 --> 00:22:27,860
I call it "Saturday."
539
00:22:27,860 --> 00:22:29,830
Ah.
540
00:22:29,830 --> 00:22:33,570
So, what now, a-a hug?
A shake? A high five?
541
00:22:33,570 --> 00:22:35,700
Uh, I'm good,
but thanks.
542
00:22:35,700 --> 00:22:38,910
Ah. Thank you.
543
00:22:38,910 --> 00:22:41,580
Well, it's been a --
been a slice, Ben.
544
00:22:41,580 --> 00:22:44,180
S-Sorry.
545
00:22:44,180 --> 00:22:46,150
You sure you don't need
a hand with that?
546
00:22:46,150 --> 00:22:49,380
No, I got it.
It's not my first rodeo.
547
00:22:49,380 --> 00:22:50,850
Isabelle --
548
00:22:50,850 --> 00:22:53,260
Please don't say something
stupid and ruin it.
549
00:22:53,260 --> 00:22:56,320
"Don't ruin it"?
550
00:22:56,320 --> 00:22:58,430
So, you mean you thought
this went well?
551
00:22:58,430 --> 00:23:00,730
See? Like -- Like that.
552
00:23:00,730 --> 00:23:02,360
Okay.
553
00:23:05,130 --> 00:23:07,100
You seriously
still do that?
554
00:23:07,100 --> 00:23:08,700
[ Chuckles ]
555
00:23:08,700 --> 00:23:10,310
I gave you one for school,
remember?
556
00:23:10,310 --> 00:23:12,570
Well, I guess it worked.
Yeah.
557
00:23:12,570 --> 00:23:14,140
You didn't get kicked out
like I did.
558
00:23:14,140 --> 00:23:18,950
Actually, I did.
Junior year.
559
00:23:18,950 --> 00:23:20,820
I didn't know that.
560
00:23:20,820 --> 00:23:24,120
There's a lot
you don't know.
561
00:23:24,120 --> 00:23:27,790
Yeah.
562
00:23:27,790 --> 00:23:29,620
When do you have classes?
563
00:23:29,620 --> 00:23:32,930
I don't really have classes.
I'm getting my PhD.
564
00:23:32,930 --> 00:23:35,100
Right.
565
00:23:35,100 --> 00:23:40,440
But, uh...Monday I have
a 10:00 with my advisor.
566
00:23:40,440 --> 00:23:43,000
Why?
567
00:23:46,810 --> 00:23:50,650
Why?
568
00:23:50,650 --> 00:23:52,980
[ Door closes ]
569
00:23:52,980 --> 00:23:59,120
♪♪
570
00:23:59,120 --> 00:24:05,290
♪♪
571
00:24:08,560 --> 00:24:10,470
What the fuck?
572
00:24:10,470 --> 00:24:13,800
halfway ♪
♪ I tried to meet you there,
573
00:24:13,800 --> 00:24:16,940
such a long, long way ♪
♪ I had to go
574
00:24:16,940 --> 00:24:20,140
is it a "yes" today? ♪
♪ Now, is it,
575
00:24:20,140 --> 00:24:23,350
on and on and ♪
♪ Now, I'm gonna keep moving
576
00:24:23,350 --> 00:24:26,380
won't be... ♪
♪ Well, maybe you
577
00:24:26,380 --> 00:24:29,850
phenom-enoma-- ♪
♪ Oh, maybe you were
578
00:24:29,850 --> 00:24:32,890
halfway ♪
♪ I tried to meet you there,
579
00:24:32,890 --> 00:24:36,320
that you were M.I.A. ♪
♪ Only to find
580
00:24:36,320 --> 00:24:39,290
no way ♪
♪ No reason why,
581
00:24:39,290 --> 00:24:42,200
on my way ♪
♪ No running into me
41473
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