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1
00:00:01,302 --> 00:00:07,575
( plays melody from Beethoven's
Fifth Symphony)
2
00:00:07,641 --> 00:00:10,644
* If you've got bugs
3
00:00:10,711 --> 00:00:13,714
* If you've got ants
4
00:00:13,781 --> 00:00:15,116
* If you've got bugs and flies
5
00:00:15,183 --> 00:00:18,452
* And slugs
and things that crawl... *
6
00:00:20,954 --> 00:00:22,556
We're here.
7
00:00:22,623 --> 00:00:23,624
Mom, come
see my room.
8
00:00:23,691 --> 00:00:24,625
I'll be
right there, honey.
9
00:00:24,692 --> 00:00:25,759
Hey, Uncle Charlie.
10
00:00:25,826 --> 00:00:26,960
Hi, shorty.
11
00:00:27,027 --> 00:00:28,262
Hello, Charlie.
12
00:00:28,329 --> 00:00:30,198
Hey, Judith.
What are you doing here?
13
00:00:30,264 --> 00:00:31,865
If you must know,
14
00:00:31,932 --> 00:00:33,134
I'm here to help Jake
set up his room
15
00:00:33,201 --> 00:00:34,268
so he feels
like nothing's changed.
16
00:00:34,335 --> 00:00:35,903
Really?
17
00:00:35,969 --> 00:00:39,039
You don't think he'll notice
that his Dad's living here
18
00:00:39,107 --> 00:00:40,308
and his Mom's dating chicks?
19
00:00:40,374 --> 00:00:42,176
Could you say
that a little louder?
20
00:00:42,243 --> 00:00:43,611
Jake might not have heard you.
21
00:00:43,677 --> 00:00:44,978
And just for the record,
I'm not dating anyone
22
00:00:45,045 --> 00:00:46,414
and I threw your brother out
23
00:00:46,480 --> 00:00:48,216
'cause he was sucking
the life out of me.
24
00:00:49,650 --> 00:00:53,020
Could you say that
a little louder?
25
00:00:53,087 --> 00:00:54,922
Uncle Charlie
hasn't met Porky yet.
26
00:00:54,988 --> 00:00:58,892
I don't suppose that's
a Rubenesque 19-year-old girl.
27
00:00:58,959 --> 00:01:00,294
Porky's his pet guinea pig.
28
00:01:01,495 --> 00:01:04,265
You're bringing vermin
into my house?
29
00:01:04,332 --> 00:01:07,568
Uncle Charlie, check him out.
Isn't he awesome?
30
00:01:07,635 --> 00:01:08,436
Yeah.
31
00:01:08,502 --> 00:01:10,003
See those little black things?
32
00:01:10,070 --> 00:01:13,507
That's his poop.
33
00:01:13,574 --> 00:01:14,842
Awesome.
34
00:01:16,277 --> 00:01:18,112
I don't want him
in the water this weekend.
35
00:01:18,179 --> 00:01:19,480
He might have
an ear infection.
36
00:01:19,547 --> 00:01:21,081
Oh, Mom.
37
00:01:21,149 --> 00:01:22,550
Oh, no, it's okay, pal.
38
00:01:22,616 --> 00:01:25,085
We can go to Disneyland.
We'll have a great weekend.
39
00:01:25,153 --> 00:01:27,087
We can, we can
play miniature golf,
40
00:01:27,155 --> 00:01:28,021
we can go bowling,
bike riding,
41
00:01:28,088 --> 00:01:29,290
whatever you want.
42
00:01:29,357 --> 00:01:30,924
Alan, relax,
you're starting to sound
43
00:01:30,991 --> 00:01:32,526
like a tampon commercial.
44
00:01:36,697 --> 00:01:39,066
Jake, why don't you go
put Porky in your room?
45
00:01:39,133 --> 00:01:40,701
Okay.
46
00:01:40,768 --> 00:01:41,902
Alan, I'm very concerned.
47
00:01:41,969 --> 00:01:43,271
He's just a child.
48
00:01:43,337 --> 00:01:44,772
I don't know
if he can deal with this.
49
00:01:44,838 --> 00:01:47,875
Give your son some credit.
He's an incredible kid.
50
00:01:47,941 --> 00:01:49,777
I was talking about you.
51
00:01:51,011 --> 00:01:52,480
That's fair.
52
00:01:52,546 --> 00:01:53,814
Yeah.
53
00:01:53,881 --> 00:01:57,318
* Men...
54
00:02:14,935 --> 00:02:16,704
Charlie?
55
00:02:16,770 --> 00:02:21,275
That strange lady
from down the beach is back.
56
00:02:21,342 --> 00:02:24,745
Oh, yeah, she's
here to baby-sit.
57
00:02:27,080 --> 00:02:29,016
Come again?
58
00:02:29,082 --> 00:02:30,651
Thought we'd go out
and have a drink.
59
00:02:30,718 --> 00:02:33,754
You want me
to leave my son
60
00:02:33,821 --> 00:02:35,189
with the whack job
who's been stalking you
61
00:02:35,256 --> 00:02:36,724
since your one-night stand?
62
00:02:36,790 --> 00:02:40,294
Hey, you try and find
a baby-sitter on a Friday night.
63
00:02:40,361 --> 00:02:42,596
It's okay, Alan.
64
00:02:42,663 --> 00:02:44,698
Charlie and I talked
and I understand
65
00:02:44,765 --> 00:02:47,501
that we're just friends,
and that it's not okay
66
00:02:47,568 --> 00:02:48,969
for me to sneak into his house
67
00:02:49,036 --> 00:02:50,238
and lick all his silverware.
68
00:02:57,311 --> 00:02:59,713
As reassuring
as that sounds,
69
00:02:59,780 --> 00:03:00,914
we can't go out tonight.
70
00:03:00,981 --> 00:03:02,950
We're getting up early
to go to Disneyland.
71
00:03:03,016 --> 00:03:04,184
We?
72
00:03:04,252 --> 00:03:05,786
Yeah.
73
00:03:05,853 --> 00:03:07,321
I thought maybe you'd
want to come with us.
74
00:03:07,388 --> 00:03:09,056
Alan, I'm not thrilled
about having
75
00:03:09,122 --> 00:03:11,259
one small rodent in my house.
76
00:03:11,325 --> 00:03:13,894
Why would I drive 50 miles
to see their kingdom?
77
00:03:15,863 --> 00:03:17,898
I'll go! I'll go!
78
00:03:19,199 --> 00:03:20,701
Maybe some other time, Rose.
79
00:03:20,768 --> 00:03:21,869
And it turns out,
80
00:03:21,935 --> 00:03:23,671
we're not going to need
a baby-sitter tonight.
81
00:03:23,737 --> 00:03:24,838
No problem.
82
00:03:24,905 --> 00:03:26,940
I'm going to take
this seat cushion, okay?
83
00:03:29,076 --> 00:03:31,379
Knock yourself out.
84
00:03:32,780 --> 00:03:34,715
Why does she want
your seat cushion?
85
00:03:34,782 --> 00:03:36,384
I don't know
why she brought it,
86
00:03:36,450 --> 00:03:38,452
I don't know
why she's taking it.
87
00:03:41,054 --> 00:03:43,090
Okay, then,
I'll see you later.
88
00:03:43,156 --> 00:03:44,325
You're still going out?
89
00:03:44,392 --> 00:03:46,126
Yeah. Why?
90
00:03:46,193 --> 00:03:49,096
I thought you wanted us
to spend some time together.
91
00:03:49,162 --> 00:03:51,465
Here?
92
00:03:51,532 --> 00:03:52,700
Yeah.
93
00:03:53,901 --> 00:03:55,503
Okay.
94
00:04:12,653 --> 00:04:14,955
What were you thinking?
Ten, 15 minutes?
95
00:04:15,022 --> 00:04:16,590
Go.
Thanks.
96
00:04:24,932 --> 00:04:26,934
( Jake in cartoon voice ):
Good morning, Uncle Charlie.
97
00:04:27,000 --> 00:04:29,670
Morning, Porky.
98
00:04:29,737 --> 00:04:31,939
Did you have
sweet dreams?
99
00:04:33,974 --> 00:04:36,344
Jake, rule number one.
100
00:04:36,410 --> 00:04:38,412
Uncle Charlie does not
like to start his day
101
00:04:38,479 --> 00:04:40,113
with a squealing creature
in his face.
102
00:04:40,180 --> 00:04:41,949
Sorry.
103
00:04:42,015 --> 00:04:43,016
Grandma's here.
104
00:04:43,083 --> 00:04:44,217
She wants you to come down.
105
00:04:44,284 --> 00:04:46,887
Okay, you're not listening.
106
00:04:46,954 --> 00:04:49,022
Rule number one...
107
00:04:51,091 --> 00:04:52,192
This is a list of the top
108
00:04:52,259 --> 00:04:53,727
divorce attorneys
in Los Angeles.
109
00:04:53,794 --> 00:04:55,763
I've made appointments
for you with each of them.
110
00:04:55,829 --> 00:04:57,565
Mom, I don't need
to meet any attorneys.
111
00:04:57,631 --> 00:04:58,732
I'm not getting a divorce.
112
00:04:58,799 --> 00:05:01,902
I'm sure you don't think so.
113
00:05:04,004 --> 00:05:08,075
The point is, if you consult
with all the good lawyers,
114
00:05:08,141 --> 00:05:09,109
it's a conflict of interest
115
00:05:09,176 --> 00:05:10,778
for them to represent Judith.
116
00:05:10,844 --> 00:05:12,846
She'll be stuck with some
ambulance-chasing clown
117
00:05:12,913 --> 00:05:16,116
from Van Nuys who will
fold like an origami swan.
118
00:05:16,183 --> 00:05:17,818
Look, I don't want this to be...
119
00:05:17,885 --> 00:05:21,489
Mommy busted her hump on this,
Alan.
120
00:05:23,757 --> 00:05:24,958
Thank you?
121
00:05:26,694 --> 00:05:28,028
Morning.
122
00:05:29,897 --> 00:05:33,701
Is that all you have
to say for yourself?
123
00:05:33,767 --> 00:05:36,637
You haven't returned
any of my calls this week.
124
00:05:36,704 --> 00:05:38,572
It's all I can do
to not imagine you
125
00:05:38,639 --> 00:05:40,541
lying dead
in a ditch somewhere.
126
00:05:42,510 --> 00:05:45,045
Right back at you, Mom.
127
00:05:48,482 --> 00:05:49,783
What did you want
to talk about?
128
00:05:49,850 --> 00:05:51,952
You're too late.
I'm not speaking to you.
129
00:05:52,019 --> 00:05:53,353
All right.
130
00:05:53,421 --> 00:05:54,755
Would you like to know why?
131
00:05:54,822 --> 00:05:57,725
No, I trust your judgment.
132
00:05:57,791 --> 00:06:00,928
Because when your brother's
marriage ended...
133
00:06:00,994 --> 00:06:04,331
Yes, I know, Alan,
blah, blah, blah.
134
00:06:04,398 --> 00:06:06,834
...and he chose to move in here,
135
00:06:06,900 --> 00:06:08,669
your coldness towards
your mother
136
00:06:08,736 --> 00:06:10,370
became more than just
the behavior
137
00:06:10,438 --> 00:06:11,772
of an ungrateful son.
138
00:06:11,839 --> 00:06:13,541
It's now an obstacle
to my spending
139
00:06:13,607 --> 00:06:15,676
quality time with my
beloved grandchild.
140
00:06:16,844 --> 00:06:19,713
Are you coming to Disneyland
with us, Grandma?
141
00:06:19,780 --> 00:06:23,016
Oh, darling, Grandma
doesn't do Anaheim.
142
00:06:24,752 --> 00:06:26,086
Well, uh, we better
hit the road.
143
00:06:26,153 --> 00:06:27,988
Try to beat the traffic.
Thanks for dropping by, Mom.
144
00:06:28,055 --> 00:06:29,890
Come on, let's go, Jake.
Race you to the car.
145
00:06:29,957 --> 00:06:31,925
Bye, Grandma.
Bye, Uncle Charlie.
146
00:06:31,992 --> 00:06:33,961
Bye.
147
00:06:38,398 --> 00:06:39,667
Wait for me, I'm going!
148
00:07:02,723 --> 00:07:04,057
Come on, boy. Come on, boy.
149
00:07:04,124 --> 00:07:07,427
Heel, heel, heel, stay.
150
00:07:07,495 --> 00:07:10,097
Oh, who's a good dog?
Who's a good dog?
151
00:07:12,466 --> 00:07:14,935
Hey, Jake, uh,
you want to take him?
152
00:07:15,002 --> 00:07:17,037
Whatever. Come on.
153
00:07:19,507 --> 00:07:20,608
Get ready for bed.
154
00:07:20,674 --> 00:07:22,876
I'll be right in
to tuck you in.
155
00:07:25,278 --> 00:07:28,849
"Happiest place on Earth,"
my snow-white ass.
156
00:07:34,655 --> 00:07:38,191
I had a good time.
157
00:07:38,258 --> 00:07:40,193
Oh, really?
158
00:07:40,260 --> 00:07:41,962
Which part did you like best--
159
00:07:42,029 --> 00:07:45,098
the equatorial heat,
the endless lines,
160
00:07:45,165 --> 00:07:46,667
or the large German woman
161
00:07:46,734 --> 00:07:49,002
that threw up on me
in the Teacup?
162
00:07:49,069 --> 00:07:51,038
Okay, okay.
163
00:07:51,104 --> 00:07:53,541
Maybe things could
have gone smoother,
164
00:07:53,607 --> 00:07:55,208
but tomorrow is going
to make up for it.
165
00:07:55,275 --> 00:07:57,645
Alan, you could
get us all laid tomorrow,
166
00:07:57,711 --> 00:07:59,513
it's not going
to make up for it.
167
00:08:04,718 --> 00:08:07,454
Hey, sleepyhead.
You're just in time.
168
00:08:07,521 --> 00:08:08,922
Pancakes are almost ready.
169
00:08:08,989 --> 00:08:10,223
I'm not hungry.
170
00:08:10,290 --> 00:08:11,959
Not hungry?
171
00:08:12,025 --> 00:08:13,794
Come on, you've got
to fuel up that engine,
172
00:08:13,861 --> 00:08:15,462
got a big day planned.
173
00:08:15,529 --> 00:08:18,098
My ear hurts.
174
00:08:18,165 --> 00:08:21,068
Oh, no.
175
00:08:21,134 --> 00:08:21,935
Let me feel.
176
00:08:22,002 --> 00:08:24,838
Yeah, you're a little warm.
177
00:08:24,905 --> 00:08:27,107
Probably another ear infection.
178
00:08:27,174 --> 00:08:28,475
Um...
179
00:08:28,542 --> 00:08:30,744
Okay, okay, new plan.
180
00:08:30,811 --> 00:08:32,145
We'll, uh, we'll get you
on the antibiotics.
181
00:08:32,212 --> 00:08:33,747
We'll, uh, we'll watch
a little TV,
182
00:08:33,814 --> 00:08:36,183
play some video games...
we'll have a great day.
183
00:08:36,249 --> 00:08:38,351
I want to go home.
184
00:08:38,418 --> 00:08:40,520
You, uh, you are home.
185
00:08:40,588 --> 00:08:43,056
I know, but the real one,
with Mom.
186
00:08:47,795 --> 00:08:49,897
Okay, uh, I can
understand that.
187
00:08:49,963 --> 00:08:51,064
You know, when a guy's
feeling sick,
188
00:08:51,131 --> 00:08:52,933
he needs his Mom.
Right, Charlie?
189
00:08:54,034 --> 00:08:55,569
Well...
190
00:08:57,738 --> 00:09:00,007
I may not be the one to ask.
191
00:09:00,073 --> 00:09:02,242
Okay, I'll, uh, I'll call
your Mom
192
00:09:02,309 --> 00:09:04,645
and, uh, and tell her
we're on our way.
193
00:09:06,847 --> 00:09:08,381
All right, it's just
you and me now.
194
00:09:08,448 --> 00:09:10,751
Are you really sick
or are you just faking it
195
00:09:10,818 --> 00:09:13,286
to get out of another
fun-filled afternoon?
196
00:09:13,353 --> 00:09:14,622
I'm really sick.
197
00:09:14,688 --> 00:09:16,456
Just checking.
198
00:09:16,523 --> 00:09:18,058
Because I was
going to fake it.
199
00:09:22,362 --> 00:09:25,032
( melody of "Ode to Joy" ):
* If your home is bug infested
200
00:09:25,098 --> 00:09:27,801
* Filled with spiders,
flies or gnats *
201
00:09:27,868 --> 00:09:30,170
* All our sprays
are safety tested *
202
00:09:30,237 --> 00:09:34,274
* We kill vermin,
not your cats. *
203
00:09:35,643 --> 00:09:36,509
Hey.
204
00:09:36,576 --> 00:09:38,011
How's the jingle coming?
205
00:09:38,078 --> 00:09:42,983
The lyrics are fine,
the music needs a little work.
206
00:09:43,050 --> 00:09:44,551
How's Jake?
207
00:09:44,618 --> 00:09:45,853
Uh, he'll be okay.
208
00:09:45,919 --> 00:09:47,554
I stayed over at the house
a little while.
209
00:09:47,621 --> 00:09:48,822
We watched some movies.
210
00:09:48,889 --> 00:09:50,123
I, uh, made us
some soup
211
00:09:50,190 --> 00:09:51,725
and a couple
of sandwiches.
212
00:09:51,792 --> 00:09:54,795
And, uh, Judith suggested
I take mine to go.
213
00:09:56,129 --> 00:09:57,430
Suggested?
214
00:09:57,497 --> 00:09:58,999
Well, she started my car
215
00:09:59,066 --> 00:10:01,101
and threw my sandwich
in the backseat.
216
00:10:03,036 --> 00:10:05,038
Uh, listen, I'm afraid I got
217
00:10:05,105 --> 00:10:06,907
some more bad news for you.
218
00:10:06,974 --> 00:10:10,077
Oh, no! I forgot
to bring Porky back.
219
00:10:11,178 --> 00:10:13,380
See, that's the thing.
220
00:10:13,446 --> 00:10:16,016
Nothing's bringing
Porky back.
221
00:10:18,318 --> 00:10:19,386
Porky's dead?
222
00:10:19,452 --> 00:10:22,790
Th-th-th-that's
all, folks.
223
00:10:26,126 --> 00:10:29,663
Oh, God...
224
00:10:29,730 --> 00:10:31,031
oh, God.
225
00:10:32,132 --> 00:10:33,667
It's okay.
226
00:10:33,734 --> 00:10:36,536
We'll can get, we can get
Jake another guinea pig.
227
00:10:36,603 --> 00:10:38,706
Jake'll be fine.
228
00:10:38,772 --> 00:10:41,108
This is his fourth Porky
in three years.
229
00:10:42,810 --> 00:10:46,546
He goes through them
faster than shoes.
230
00:10:46,613 --> 00:10:48,982
No... this is about my life.
231
00:10:50,517 --> 00:10:52,820
Everything is going to hell.
232
00:10:52,886 --> 00:10:54,554
Okay. Well, uh...
233
00:10:54,621 --> 00:10:55,622
don't, don't cry.
234
00:10:55,689 --> 00:10:57,124
We can still be friends.
235
00:10:58,759 --> 00:11:00,160
What?
236
00:11:00,227 --> 00:11:02,696
Sorry. It's the only thing
I know to say
237
00:11:02,763 --> 00:11:04,064
when someone cries around here.
238
00:11:08,368 --> 00:11:10,804
I'm so sorry, Porky.
239
00:11:10,871 --> 00:11:13,106
You just kept running around
in your little cage
240
00:11:13,173 --> 00:11:15,809
trying to make
everybody happy.
241
00:11:15,876 --> 00:11:18,611
And what do you get?
242
00:11:18,678 --> 00:11:20,781
You get dead.
243
00:11:20,848 --> 00:11:24,752
You do know
the pig can't hear you, right?
244
00:11:24,818 --> 00:11:26,854
Don't you get it?
245
00:11:26,920 --> 00:11:28,588
I am the pig!
246
00:11:28,655 --> 00:11:30,657
Okay, okay, I-I-I'm just asking
247
00:11:30,724 --> 00:11:33,827
because your, your reaction
doesn't seem very healthy to me.
248
00:11:33,894 --> 00:11:35,362
And what do you think
would be healthy, Charlie?
249
00:11:35,428 --> 00:11:36,897
I don't know.
250
00:11:36,964 --> 00:11:41,134
Why don't we toss Porky
in the ocean and go get bombed?
251
00:11:43,871 --> 00:11:48,742
How could you?
How could you?
252
00:11:48,809 --> 00:11:50,243
Okay.
253
00:11:59,586 --> 00:12:01,354
Toss him in the ocean.
254
00:12:01,421 --> 00:12:04,224
Very clever.
255
00:12:04,291 --> 00:12:08,128
Who knew pelicans eat
guinea pigs?
256
00:12:10,063 --> 00:12:13,166
( barking like dogs )
257
00:12:13,233 --> 00:12:15,168
What's happening?
258
00:12:16,904 --> 00:12:19,506
Sunday's Tequila Night
at Pavlov's.
259
00:12:19,572 --> 00:12:21,008
Every time the bell rings,
260
00:12:21,074 --> 00:12:22,509
you got to take a shot.
261
00:12:22,575 --> 00:12:23,811
Why?
262
00:12:23,877 --> 00:12:25,879
'Cause the bell rings.
263
00:12:26,780 --> 00:12:28,816
Oh. Okay.
264
00:12:28,882 --> 00:12:30,717
You got to bark first.
265
00:12:30,784 --> 00:12:32,920
Woof.
266
00:12:37,224 --> 00:12:39,459
Charlie...
267
00:12:39,526 --> 00:12:41,028
when my son looked at me
268
00:12:41,094 --> 00:12:44,331
and told me that he wanted
to go home,
269
00:12:44,397 --> 00:12:45,532
it broke my heart.
270
00:12:45,598 --> 00:12:47,567
I saw.
271
00:12:47,634 --> 00:12:51,471
I mean, my kid is sick,
and I can't even be with him.
272
00:12:51,538 --> 00:12:53,841
I-I... you know,
I'm-I'm a failure, Charlie.
273
00:12:53,907 --> 00:12:56,509
I'm-I'm a failure as a father.
274
00:12:56,576 --> 00:12:57,510
I'm a failure as a husband.
275
00:12:57,577 --> 00:12:59,046
You didn't fail.
276
00:13:00,247 --> 00:13:02,215
First of all,
that little boy loves you,
277
00:13:02,282 --> 00:13:04,784
and second of all,
just because your
wife decides
278
00:13:04,852 --> 00:13:06,219
she doesn't like
sleeping with men
279
00:13:06,286 --> 00:13:08,155
doesn't mean you
failed as a husband...
280
00:13:08,221 --> 00:13:11,791
although I wouldn't brag
about it.
281
00:13:11,859 --> 00:13:13,393
You're right. You're right.
282
00:13:13,460 --> 00:13:14,862
This is Judith's fault.
283
00:13:14,928 --> 00:13:16,229
She's the one
who-who breached
284
00:13:16,296 --> 00:13:17,998
our marriage contract
asunder,
285
00:13:18,065 --> 00:13:21,168
and-and, and-and I let her
make decisions
286
00:13:21,234 --> 00:13:23,871
that should've been
in my dominion.
287
00:13:23,937 --> 00:13:26,006
Alan, people are going to do
288
00:13:26,073 --> 00:13:28,641
whatever they're going to do
in this world.
289
00:13:28,708 --> 00:13:32,345
The only thing a
man can control is
his own actions.
290
00:13:32,412 --> 00:13:33,346
( bell rings )
291
00:13:33,413 --> 00:13:35,348
( barking )
292
00:13:42,255 --> 00:13:45,258
Remember where
we left our car.
293
00:13:46,759 --> 00:13:48,896
This isn't our car?
294
00:13:50,630 --> 00:13:52,232
Where to?
295
00:13:52,299 --> 00:13:53,366
Home.
Home.
296
00:13:53,433 --> 00:13:55,435
And that would be...
297
00:13:55,502 --> 00:13:56,870
Sherman Oaks.
298
00:13:56,937 --> 00:13:58,371
We don't live in Sherman Oaks.
299
00:13:58,438 --> 00:13:59,039
I do.
300
00:13:59,106 --> 00:14:00,407
I am a Sherman Oaksian,
301
00:14:00,473 --> 00:14:05,645
and-and I am going home
for as to reclaim my home.
302
00:14:05,712 --> 00:14:09,016
Oh, that's a very bad idea.
303
00:14:09,082 --> 00:14:10,850
I'll tell you
what's a good idea:
304
00:14:10,918 --> 00:14:13,686
chili cheese fries
and a large root beer...
305
00:14:13,753 --> 00:14:16,356
with chili cheese fries...
306
00:14:16,423 --> 00:14:18,425
and girls.
307
00:14:19,459 --> 00:14:20,460
No.
308
00:14:21,561 --> 00:14:24,164
I am going home to my wife
309
00:14:24,231 --> 00:14:27,267
to impose my dominion
over her.
310
00:14:27,334 --> 00:14:31,071
Oh, yeah.
The lesbians love that.
311
00:14:31,972 --> 00:14:34,874
Driver, Sherman Oaks!
312
00:14:36,209 --> 00:14:39,612
CABBIE:
1167 Bonnie Meadow Drive.
313
00:14:39,679 --> 00:14:41,014
Good-bye, Charlie.
314
00:14:41,081 --> 00:14:43,350
I'll be back
for my things tomorrow.
315
00:14:43,416 --> 00:14:44,484
Thank you, driver.
316
00:14:44,551 --> 00:14:46,586
You've been most kind.
317
00:14:53,226 --> 00:14:54,694
( door shuts )
318
00:14:54,761 --> 00:14:56,129
So, back to Malibu?
319
00:14:56,196 --> 00:14:58,598
No. Let's give it a second.
320
00:15:02,970 --> 00:15:04,904
Did you know...
321
00:15:04,972 --> 00:15:08,141
they put chocolate pudding
in tubes now?
322
00:15:08,208 --> 00:15:11,511
No. No, I did not.
323
00:15:11,578 --> 00:15:14,147
They do.
324
00:15:14,214 --> 00:15:16,984
My nephew eats them.
325
00:15:18,218 --> 00:15:21,488
They're surprisingly good.
326
00:15:24,357 --> 00:15:26,326
Well, that's an interesting
sibling dynamic
327
00:15:26,393 --> 00:15:28,495
you've got going
with your brother there.
328
00:15:31,098 --> 00:15:34,401
You get that I'm loaded, right?
329
00:15:35,502 --> 00:15:37,037
( door opens )
330
00:15:37,104 --> 00:15:39,206
Drive, drive, drive!
331
00:15:39,272 --> 00:15:40,707
( tires screeching )
332
00:15:43,543 --> 00:15:45,312
So...
333
00:15:46,413 --> 00:15:48,181
how'd it go?
334
00:15:48,248 --> 00:15:50,850
She-she chased me
out of the house
335
00:15:50,917 --> 00:15:53,486
with a... with a golf club.
336
00:15:54,587 --> 00:15:55,622
Huh.
337
00:15:55,688 --> 00:15:57,590
Taking up golf already.
338
00:15:59,759 --> 00:16:01,028
What was it-- like, a six iron?
339
00:16:01,094 --> 00:16:02,729
What difference does it make?
340
00:16:02,795 --> 00:16:06,433
I just want to be able
to tell the story accurately.
341
00:16:15,108 --> 00:16:17,110
It's not funny.
342
00:16:17,177 --> 00:16:19,379
Then why
are you laughing?
343
00:16:19,446 --> 00:16:23,283
'Cause I don't know
what else to do.
344
00:16:23,350 --> 00:16:25,952
I wish I could ask Dad
for advice.
345
00:16:26,019 --> 00:16:29,856
You'd go to Dad
for marriage counseling?
346
00:16:29,922 --> 00:16:31,858
Alan, our father
committed suicide
347
00:16:31,924 --> 00:16:33,726
to get away from our mother.
348
00:16:33,793 --> 00:16:34,827
What are you talking about?
349
00:16:34,894 --> 00:16:35,862
Dad didn't commit suicide.
350
00:16:35,928 --> 00:16:37,164
He-he died of food poisoning.
351
00:16:37,230 --> 00:16:39,699
I maintain that he knew
the fish was bad,
352
00:16:39,766 --> 00:16:42,269
but he kept eating it anyway.
353
00:16:42,335 --> 00:16:45,338
Your mother sounds like
a real piece of work.
354
00:16:45,405 --> 00:16:49,176
Oh, you have no idea,
my friend.
355
00:16:49,242 --> 00:16:52,179
My mother took
my baby brother,
356
00:16:52,245 --> 00:16:54,481
and dipped him
in sissy sauce,
357
00:16:54,547 --> 00:16:57,150
and turned him into the
people-pleasing control freak
358
00:16:57,217 --> 00:16:58,151
you see today.
359
00:16:58,218 --> 00:16:59,152
That's right...
360
00:16:59,219 --> 00:17:00,953
and-and she made him
361
00:17:01,020 --> 00:17:02,655
so scared of intimacy,
362
00:17:02,722 --> 00:17:06,193
that-that he has just this
endless stream of gorgeous girls
363
00:17:06,259 --> 00:17:08,027
running in and out of his life.
364
00:17:08,095 --> 00:17:09,529
Damn her.
365
00:17:11,398 --> 00:17:14,701
You know, many
psychologists agree.
366
00:17:14,767 --> 00:17:17,937
Until the core maternal
relationship is resolved,
367
00:17:18,004 --> 00:17:19,506
most men are doomed to repeat
368
00:17:19,572 --> 00:17:22,041
dysfunctional
childhood patterns.
369
00:17:22,109 --> 00:17:26,179
Just drive the cab, Dr. Phil.
370
00:17:26,246 --> 00:17:28,448
You know, Charlie,
371
00:17:28,515 --> 00:17:29,249
he's not wrong.
372
00:17:29,316 --> 00:17:30,317
I mean, at-at some point,
373
00:17:30,383 --> 00:17:32,419
we have to stand up to her.
374
00:17:32,485 --> 00:17:34,821
Oh, well, look who's got
beer muscles all of a sudden.
375
00:17:34,887 --> 00:17:36,623
No, no, I'm serious,
I'm serious, come on.
376
00:17:36,689 --> 00:17:38,791
Right now.
Let's-let's confront her.
377
00:17:38,858 --> 00:17:41,294
You-you with me?
Come on.
378
00:17:41,361 --> 00:17:43,863
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
379
00:17:43,930 --> 00:17:45,031
I can't believe it.
380
00:17:45,098 --> 00:17:47,033
You really are afraid of Mom.
381
00:17:47,100 --> 00:17:48,601
I am not.
382
00:17:48,668 --> 00:17:51,504
All these years,
I thought you were so cool,
383
00:17:51,571 --> 00:17:54,006
but you're just a big,
clucking chicken.
384
00:17:54,073 --> 00:17:55,375
Ouch.
385
00:17:56,509 --> 00:17:59,512
Ouch? Okay, okay,
that's it.
386
00:17:59,579 --> 00:18:03,216
We have a new destination:
Beverly Hills.
387
00:18:03,283 --> 00:18:04,751
You got an address?
388
00:18:04,817 --> 00:18:07,154
Just go east on Sunset
389
00:18:07,220 --> 00:18:09,456
until you reach
the gates of hell.
390
00:18:12,225 --> 00:18:14,227
She'll buzz us in.
391
00:18:18,398 --> 00:18:20,200
I can't wait
to see her face.
392
00:18:20,267 --> 00:18:23,403
Yeah, she's going to freak.
393
00:18:23,470 --> 00:18:25,004
You ready?
394
00:18:25,071 --> 00:18:26,873
Ring the bell.
Ring the bell.
395
00:18:26,939 --> 00:18:27,874
Okay.
396
00:18:27,940 --> 00:18:29,742
( doorbell rings )
397
00:18:29,809 --> 00:18:32,245
( barking )
398
00:18:37,250 --> 00:18:40,153
EVELYN:
Who is it?!
399
00:18:40,220 --> 00:18:42,322
It's your sons.
400
00:18:42,389 --> 00:18:45,758
Charlie and Alan.
401
00:18:50,096 --> 00:18:52,365
Hi, Mom.
Hi, Mom.
402
00:18:52,432 --> 00:18:56,436
EVELYN:
Oh, dear God. Hold on.
I'll be right there.
403
00:18:56,503 --> 00:19:00,006
Hey, uh... what exactly
are we going to say to her?
404
00:19:00,072 --> 00:19:01,874
Now you ask?
405
00:19:01,941 --> 00:19:03,876
This was your safari.
406
00:19:03,943 --> 00:19:07,180
Well, we're here to resolve
the core maternal... thing.
407
00:19:07,247 --> 00:19:10,417
Wait, aha!
I'll go ask the cabbie.
408
00:19:11,351 --> 00:19:13,386
Nice try.
409
00:19:18,225 --> 00:19:20,360
Somebody'd
better be dead.
410
00:19:21,761 --> 00:19:23,430
Porky's dead.
411
00:19:26,233 --> 00:19:28,968
And you completely
screwed up our lives.
412
00:19:29,035 --> 00:19:30,637
I'm sorry?
413
00:19:30,703 --> 00:19:32,772
Well, that's good
enough for me.
Yeah, I'm good.
414
00:19:32,839 --> 00:19:33,873
Night.
Night.
415
00:19:33,940 --> 00:19:37,244
BOTH:
Drive, drive, drive!
416
00:19:45,418 --> 00:19:47,554
Good morning, sunshine.
417
00:19:49,222 --> 00:19:52,191
Oh, God.
418
00:19:52,259 --> 00:19:54,361
Close the drapes.
419
00:19:56,229 --> 00:19:58,164
Hey, what's this?
420
00:19:58,231 --> 00:20:01,234
"Release and indemnification
form."
421
00:20:01,301 --> 00:20:03,336
What?
422
00:20:03,403 --> 00:20:06,873
Were you on some kind
of television show last night?
423
00:20:06,939 --> 00:20:08,040
I don't think so.
424
00:20:08,107 --> 00:20:10,343
Well, you and your brother
signed it.
425
00:20:10,410 --> 00:20:12,379
Let me see that.
426
00:20:14,947 --> 00:20:17,684
Alan...
427
00:20:17,750 --> 00:20:18,685
Alan!
428
00:20:18,751 --> 00:20:21,388
Wake up.
429
00:20:24,257 --> 00:20:25,992
We got a problem.
430
00:20:29,228 --> 00:20:33,232
"Taxicab Confessions"?
431
00:20:34,133 --> 00:20:37,169
* If you've got bugs
432
00:20:37,236 --> 00:20:39,839
* If you've got ants
433
00:20:39,906 --> 00:20:41,874
* If you've got bugs
and flies and slugs *
434
00:20:41,941 --> 00:20:44,176
* And things that crawl...
435
00:20:44,243 --> 00:20:45,878
Huh?
436
00:20:45,945 --> 00:20:47,213
Isn't that Beethoven?
437
00:20:47,280 --> 00:20:48,715
Shh!
438
00:20:50,116 --> 00:20:51,351
I don't...
439
00:20:51,418 --> 00:20:52,652
I don't even know
440
00:20:52,719 --> 00:20:55,888
how my wife is going
to be a lesbian.
441
00:20:55,955 --> 00:20:58,224
She hates oral sex.
442
00:20:58,291 --> 00:21:00,427
Hates it.
29808
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