Original subtitles

Yura, you warhorse.

I can't believe

that some rookie politics teacher outwitted you.

Have him return my two favorite words,

Security Service!

Look here, who will he rally?

What, Maidan? With what money?

Look at those hungry eyes.

They're like a piranha's.

Don't put your finger into that mouth. He'll bite your arm off at the elbow.

Gentlemen, Holoborodko has ushered in scum.

Scum have nothing.

That's the scariest part.

They're hungry and will snatch anything they see.

I suggest that we tackle each problem as it arises.

Our current problem is this.

So we'll send our little watchdog

to Toronto.

PRESIDENTIAL ADMINISTRATION OF UKRAINE

Good morning.

I'm Sergei Viktorovich, but call me Serge.

If you have any questions or suggestions,

please don't bother to knock, just come in.

Good morning.

I'm Sergei, but call me Sergei Viktorovich.

If you have any questions, drop by.

This place is babe heaven.

Thank you, Vasya.

Good Lord, man!

Are you blind or something?

Can't see where you're going?

Yeah, I got overexcited in heaven.

What did you say?

I said, here are your glasses.

Sorry, it was an accident.

Unintentional.

Sergei Viktorovich...

-Hello. -Hi.

Do I know you?

I'm Oksana, your assistant.

A pleasure, Oksana.

The pleasure is mine.

Where are you going?

Grisha, are you crazy?

He's the new minister.

This way, Sergei Viktorovich.

Here's the deal. Today, you have...

Today, you have...

Oh, Lord!

You need to change clothes.

Why?

Today, you meet with Liberia's Cabinet

and give a statement on Uganda.

-On what? -Uganda.

Where's that? I mean...

What's going on there?

There's a coup.

The press conference starts in one hour.

You're dressed in who knows what!

What do you mean, who knows what?

Here we go.

Nina, hi.

Listen, I need a classic black suit on the double.

-Thirty minutes? No, seven. -Good morning.

It's all taken care of.

-As the diplomat Jules Cambon said-- -Who?

-No one. Later. Forget it. Let's go. -Lead the way.

Hi.

Hello, Nina Yegorovna.

Greetings, Vasya.

-How are you? You're not worried, are you? A little bit.

There's no need to worry. Knock them dead.

-I will do. -There are many to knock dead.

And you're entering hell.

Dear Lord. What's happening?

Give our money back!

They're robbing us! The government doesn't care!

Give our money back!

Excuse me, but what's going on here?

You tell us what's going on!

-Where's the money? -What money?

What the head of Nikolaevskiy Bank stole,

and then took to Panama.

Sorry, I wasn't aware that Nikolaevskiy Bank collapsed, but...

I promise to take this under my personal control.

I'll try to help you.

Give our money back!

Good afternoon.

I see it's not customary for you to stand when a woman enters.

We're not in school anymore.

May I ask a question?

Or do I need to raise my hand first?

Don't push it, San Sanych.

She's not just anybody.

Nina Yegorovna was responsible for security

of the fourth entrance to a downtown condo.

You're well informed.

Instead of digging into my past,

you'd do better to deal with current affairs.

Everything's fine with us.

Of course.

For someone who hides alcohol and cigarette smuggling,

it can't be any other way.

That's right. I know a few things, too.

Well, gentlemen officers,

our discussion will be a long one.

Give our money back!

Dear Olya Yurievna,

to start and end this formal function,

I ask you please to place your, so called, autograph

on the first official document.

-What's this? -A layout of the 1,000 hryvnia note.

You have to choose who will be pictured on it,

Lobanovsky or Korolyov.

Both, so to say, deserve the honor to be honored.

Ladies and gentlemen, pardon me,

but doesn't it bother you what's going on outside?

Excuse me?

Give our money back!

Indeed. That's much better.

Do you think the problem can be solved by closing the window?

We could bring in the water cannon, but then...

the fetid mass will swell.

Wonderful.

In other words, you experienced bankers and finance experts,

don't see any other options?

Olya Yurievna, we feel sorry for them.

But the most that we can do

is offer our sympathies.

You know, Dmitriy Vasilievich...

Yes?

According to law,

the Central Bank guarantees deposits

and, as such, is obliged to return them.

Absolutely.

Based on the same law, Olya Yurievna,

the Central Bank, in the first place,

looks after the hryvnia's well-being.

It's like the stray dog at my summer home.

Out of the kindness of my heart...

I fed it once.

Guess what happened the next day.

A pack of hungry dogs was standing at my gate.

What's your point?

Olya Yurievna, if we start returning the deposits,

we'll set a precedent.

And the swindled clients of other banks

will be here in the morning.

-Dmitriy Vasilievich. -Yes?

I don't think it's proper for you to compare people with dogs.

We're not only bankers.

We're also surgeons.

Clearly.

So...

There's no way out?

-There is. -Enlighten me, then.

Relax and have fun.

Thus, is it Lobanovsky or Korolyov?

Brut or...

demi-sec?

And, so, Uganda...

-Beautiful. -Lackluster.

For the past 29 years, there's been a conflict in northern Uganda

between government forces and insurgents.

Oh! Nice.

It's too loud.

The conflict was contained with help from the USA

and the armies of Southern Sudan, DRC and CAR.

What's their best car?

CAR stands for the Central African Republic.

Museveni heads Uganda.

Yesterday, the Lord's Resistance Army arrested him.

You see!

Even God is against the president.

Sergei Viktorovich,

you need to convey Ukraine's position on the matter.

Strong and balanced.

I like it.

Me too. Keep it.

Right. So what's our position?

That's for you to decide.

Look...

maybe Uganda could wait, after all?

Someone else can give a statement.

Sergei Viktorovich, this is international policy.

We can't sit idle.

What if I'm undecided?

Right...

So unlike your great-grandfather.

What about him?

Nikita Ivanovich Mukhin.

A great diplomat.

He always made the right decisions.

Even in the most dire situations.

Some envoy my great-grandpa was.

He enjoyed booze.

Anyway, a Mukhin surname doesn't make me a diplomat.

It's a common surname, that's all.

-What's your surname? -Skovoroda.

There you go.

It doesn't mean you descend from that famous Grigoriy Skovoroda.

Grigoriy Skovoroda is my paternal ancestor.

Yes?

We're handling the matter now.

Sergei Viktorovich!

The press office.

It's time for a statement.

Straight away?

Yes, in ten minutes.

Very well.

One second.

Yeah, sometimes I just want to say "the hell with it all"

and move to the middle of nowhere.

Where do you usually vacation?

Vasyl Petrovych!

Where do you usually vacation?

-Me? -Yes.

In Olvia.

-In Olvia? -Yes.

Olvia... It sounds familiar.

Is it in Spain? Majorca?

No way. Not Spain.

It's in Nikolaev Oblast.

It's an archeological reserve. A nice place.

Privately owned?

God forbid, of course not.

Sounds exotic.

Not bad.

-Yuriy Ivanovich, I-- -Oh!

-Please. I have lots to do. -Yes, yes.

Vasyl Petrovych, you know,

I wanted to remark on your choice of ministers.

-In a good way. -Truly?

Truly.

To take people with a fresh outlook, with no public service experience...

in a sense, straight off the street.

-But in a good way. -You're speaking ironically?

Yuriy Ivanovich, nevertheless, let me say

that they may lack experience so far.

-But they're adept. -Vasya!

-Really? -I guarantee.

Fire me f**king now! It's a s**t storm, Vasya!

Vanya, wait a second.

Excuse me.

-I know those words. -I'll be back!

-In a jiffy. -It's awful!

-Drink some coffee. One second. -It's fine.

What's happening? Fire you? What's happened?

-I went there-- -Tell me, and calm down.

-I went there in the morning. -You...

There? Where is "there"?

-There! -Where?

What do you mean?

Bella Rudolfovna, do we have sedatives?

-Valerian? -50 grams.

-You went where you had to-- -I was there!

-There, in the ministry? -Yes!

Why didn't you say that?

-In the ministry. -Yes!

-What's in the ministry? -What?

I enter the room, and they start looking at me like this.

Here.

The generals.

-Generals. Seriously? -Yes!

-Okay, generals. How many? -Lots.

-In quantity. -Lots.

Can you say how many?

430.

-How many? -Sedative?

No, thanks. I don't need it.

Why so many generals?

By comparison, the Pentagon has 40.

The Pentagon has 40. Look here, downsize!

The generals?

Halve them.

Not enough.

Down to a quarter.

Atta boy. Proceed.

Take this.

"If you have a good army,

you will find good allies."

-Machiavelli. -Correct.

It's as though he looked into a crystal ball.

Vasyl Petrovych!

And you...

You've found yourself a worthy army.

What impresses me is that

any minister can walk right in to your office,

the president's office,

and resolve any issue.

Yuriy Ivanovich, the defense minister just had a tough day.

But you must admit, it was the only case.

Fair enough.

Vasya!

Holy shit. Listen...

Which moron assigned those idiots to the board?

Me. Good morning.

Good morning.

Sorry, I didn't see you there.

Don't worry.

-May I have a few words? -Sure.

Excuse me.

Olya, are you okay?

Good heavens. Sorry, I didn't see him.

What happened?

Did you know that a big bank crashed and thousands are without money?

Is that a reason to burst in? You couldn't call?

Are you mad? Call you? For you, this is chicken feed?

This is important to me.

I'm concerned about this.

-You had money in that bank? -No.

Those who lost their money are standing outside.

-I need to help them. -Relax.

Will we give them money back?

Okay, we will.

You say we'll give it back,

but experts say the hryvnia might crash.

Then don't.

Do we give them their money back or not?

-I need to tell the people something! -Relax.

They were throwing tires at me.

Drink this, and then we'll think of what to say.

Is this cognac?

A sedative.

Olya, you're the head of the Central Bank. You decide.

And avoid breathing on people today.

Oh, Lord...

One more "only case"?

I didn't expect so many problems.

No worries. The main thing is that it doesn't become a trend.

Mother Trucker, Vasya!

What a freaking mess! What did you get me into, Vasya?

Why did you stick me in the foreign ministry?

It's more of a place for douchebags.

I fu...

Hello, Vasyl Petrovych.

Hi.

A word, Mr President?

-Vasyl Petrovych, I think I'll go. -Yes?

-Keep working. Good luck. -Thanks.

-I'll return the book later. -Enjoy.

Okay, goodbye.

Again, sorry, Yuriy Ivanovich.

-You want it closed? -Yes.

-No problem. -Until next time...

What's with you all today?

It's like you've all gone mad, and running around.

Bursting in without knocking... You can't do anything without me?

-I don't know how to handle the Ugandists. -Who?

-Or Ugandosts. -What?

I don't know what they're called.

-It's some country in Asia. -Which country?

Ugandiya!

Uganda.

And it's in Africa, not Asia.

Who cares, Vasya. A coup is underway.

-What coup? -Military. We have to act!

How? If it's military, then condemn it.

The U.S. approved it.

Then also approve it.

-But China condemned it! -Then maintain a neutral stance.

No, Vasya. That's what the Swiss do.

-Are you the foreign minister? -I am.

Then decide whether to condemn or approve,

to support or not.

Okay, go to work. And don't blow my head off.

-Vasya, what's up? -Enough!

What do you want from me?

Or do you also have problems with generals, colonels,

or other officers?

Maybe you put money into a bank

and it happened to crash?

Or are you planning a coup in Uganda, you Ugandian?

What the hell do you want from me?

I wanted to ask if you'd like to have lunch.

Yes, Olya. I see.

I've heard of Nikolaevskiy Bank.

Yes.

I think she's one of ours.

-From the old days. -A KGB asset from the Andropov era?

Or a dissident, whose conditioning isn't complete?

It's hard to check. Moscow has the database.

Let's not guess.

Just quietly get rid of her.

Immediately?

You mean, for good?

What for?

There's a more original method.

It's called Summer Rain.

It'll come into effect in four hours.

Tomorrow, she won't remember a thing.

Are you sure?

We'll find out.

Okay, Olya. Don't worry.

I'll handle it...

right now.

Right.

Who does economic security?

Yatsenko, if I'm not mistaken.

Yes, ma'am, me.

You finished high school with a C in mathematics.

That explains a lot.

You're just average, Yatsenko.

I had a B grade.

In gym class.

Yatsenko, have you heard of Nikolaevskiy Bank?

It sounds familiar.

I'd even say that it's familial.

Its owner is Igor Nikolaevskiy,

your brother-in-law.

Now I recall it.

Marvelous.

Then maybe you'll recall that under your patronage,

Nikolaevskiy ruined the bank,

shifted its funds to offshore accounts,

and fled to an unknown location.

Or, perhaps, you know where he is?

I don't. God's honest truth.

Excuse me.

We'll end with this.

I understand that this won't be easy,

but trust me, I've had tougher classes than you bunch.

There was nothing to it. I handled it. Many even became successful in life.

Please be quiet and I'll explain everything.

Quiet!

Friends, I fully comprehend your predicament.

Our people have been swindled so often

that we no longer trust any government.

I say "we" because I don't dissociate myself from you.

See, I came to talk to you.

I'm not hiding or running away from you.

Therefore...

I ask that you trust me as a normal person.

We'll get your money back. That, I promise.

Here's your virgin mojito, Nina Yegorovna.

Thanks, Igor.

For both the mojito and the information.

If only you had seen their faces.

They're to blame.

They get drunk and start jousting over who has more clout.

I remember your phenomenal memory

from your school days.

Speaking of...

Didn't you get a PhD in mathematics?

What brought you here?

The good tips.

I see.

This is Krivitskiy. We're minus one person now.

We can't do the same to the others. It'll look too suspicious.

Olya, how's the chicken?

It looks good. Just the way we like it.

Ivan, did you handle the generals?

I threw the old farts out and fired them.

They will remember...

Captain Skorik.

-Glass, please. -Get it, Vanya.

Mukhin was a trip today!

Olya, can you believe

the foreign minister can't find Uganda on the map?

-He confused everybody. -Listen.

I still might not know where Uganda is located,

but I adamantly handled the situation.

-Yeah, yeah! -How was your day?

Vasya, everything's in tip-top shape. You know me.

Guys, I want to drink to you

and your first day on the job.

-You're awesome. I love you all. -Thanks.

Likewise!

-I'll turn it up. -Change it.

Wait, I want to see what these buffoons say.

Let's proceed in the right order. It's customary for ladies to go first.

So the new Central Bank head...

I shouldn't have worn that blouse.

Olya Mischenko.

After her promise

to compensate the swindled clients of Nikolaevskiy Bank,

the exchange market saw turbulence, with the dollar gaining three points.

Three points, all based on what Olya simply said.

It's scary to imagine what will happen when she begins to act.

We sincerely convey our condolences...

That's off-base. Really off-base.

What should I have told them?

Sorry, dear citizens, you'll get a big fat zero?

Olya, don't worry. It's the first day.

New defense minister Ivan Skorik boldly started his first day on the job.

Today, the construction of a residential complex for army personnel came to a halt.

Some 2,000 military families were deprived of their long-awaited apartments.

Screw a kangaroo!

It wasn't a building site.

It was the same thing morning until night. They were laundering money.

I always said,

first use your head, then act.

He always blurts things out. Why do that?

No one's immune.

Luckily, that never happens to me.

But the one who stood out the most, of course, was the new foreign minister.

Alert viewers counted

that while commenting on the coup in Uganda, Mr. Mukhin,

in just 20 seconds and 44 words,

managed to cross the boundaries of political correctness six times.

Say what?

This is their internal ball game.

Put simply... Why do we always deliberate over the coups in Africa?

Negroes are also people! Let them coup if they want.

You, clearly, meant to say Africans?

Negroes, Africans... No difference.

Aren't negroes and Africans the same?

Or is "negro" a bad word?

I didn't say "nigger", I said "negroes".

Incidentally, have you heard a joke about this? I'll tell you.

Unfortunately, or perhaps, fortunately,

we can't show Mukhin's joke.

What did I say?

Mukhin-Mukhin...

In summary, one could say

that for President Holobordko's new team,

this was a black - excuse me - African day.

Well, guys. That was quite amazing.

That's all for now. Tune in tomorrow.

We'll talk about the new tax service head,

Mikhail Sanin.

In one day, he managed

to screw up so much that we've filmed a special report.

Goodbye.

Well, then... If without salt, then no salt.

Or, perhaps, add some pepper?

Translated by Mark P. Raczkiewycz