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00:00:09,509 --> 00:00:11,302
- Thank you,
Pulitzer Committee,
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00:00:11,386 --> 00:00:13,471
for this joyous honor.
3
00:00:13,555 --> 00:00:17,308
My good friend, Gloria Steinem,
once asked me,
4
00:00:17,392 --> 00:00:20,145
"Joyce, did you know
that the magazine
5
00:00:20,228 --> 00:00:22,772
"you created
in your childhood bedroom
6
00:00:22,856 --> 00:00:25,608
would change
the world forever?"
7
00:00:25,692 --> 00:00:28,319
No.
No, I never dared imagine--
8
00:00:28,403 --> 00:00:30,530
- Show me your tits!
9
00:00:31,865 --> 00:00:33,116
Show me your tits!
10
00:00:34,868 --> 00:00:36,870
- Come on, baby!
11
00:00:39,122 --> 00:00:41,374
- Shake them cans, baby.
12
00:00:41,458 --> 00:00:43,418
Yeah.
13
00:00:47,172 --> 00:00:49,132
- Hi.
14
00:00:49,215 --> 00:00:51,301
I'd love to discuss
your use of catcalling
15
00:00:51,384 --> 00:00:53,720
to communicate
with women on the street.
16
00:00:53,803 --> 00:00:55,972
I'm sure that
this was acceptable
17
00:00:56,055 --> 00:00:58,266
when you were coming up
in the construction industry,
18
00:00:58,349 --> 00:00:59,809
but times have changed.
19
00:00:59,893 --> 00:01:01,561
So if you want to meet me,
20
00:01:01,644 --> 00:01:06,483
you can introduce yourself
with a handshake and a name.
21
00:01:08,651 --> 00:01:10,236
- I'm Mike.
22
00:01:11,738 --> 00:01:13,072
- And I'm Joyce.
23
00:01:13,156 --> 00:01:14,824
- Cool, Joyce.
24
00:01:14,908 --> 00:01:16,159
So you gonna sit on my face
or what?
25
00:01:16,242 --> 00:01:17,535
- All right.
26
00:01:20,663 --> 00:01:21,873
♪ ♪
27
00:01:21,956 --> 00:01:24,542
- Welcome
to the Southern California
28
00:01:24,626 --> 00:01:26,878
Magazine Pitch Festival,
where we connect
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00:01:26,961 --> 00:01:28,546
the magazine creators
of tomorrow
30
00:01:28,630 --> 00:01:31,216
with the publishers of today.
31
00:01:31,299 --> 00:01:33,009
This year's publishers
are a fine--
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00:01:33,092 --> 00:01:34,803
- Do you mind?
33
00:01:34,886 --> 00:01:36,638
- Oh, I--I'm sorry.
They got some policy
34
00:01:36,721 --> 00:01:38,181
about smoking cigars inside,
35
00:01:38,264 --> 00:01:40,058
like it's a fucking hospital
or some shit.
36
00:01:40,141 --> 00:01:42,560
- Line up for whichever
publishers float your boat.
37
00:01:42,644 --> 00:01:44,938
Dazzle 'em with your
three-minute presentation,
38
00:01:45,021 --> 00:01:46,397
- Hey, is that, uh--
39
00:01:46,481 --> 00:01:47,690
first pitch fest?
40
00:01:47,774 --> 00:01:49,567
- Yeah.
Yeah, so I'm just
41
00:01:49,651 --> 00:01:50,777
trying to listen to her.
42
00:01:50,860 --> 00:01:53,029
- I wouldn't get your hopes up.
43
00:01:53,112 --> 00:01:54,489
- Excuse me?
- Ah, it's just
44
00:01:54,572 --> 00:01:55,657
that everybody
and their mama's trying
45
00:01:55,740 --> 00:01:57,826
to sell a magazine nowadays.
46
00:01:57,909 --> 00:01:59,244
For every, you know,
"Cat Fancy"
47
00:01:59,327 --> 00:02:00,620
that finds
its perfect niche audience,
48
00:02:00,703 --> 00:02:02,288
there's about
a thousand "Cat-Tastics"
49
00:02:02,372 --> 00:02:03,957
that are gonna
crash and burn, so.
50
00:02:04,040 --> 00:02:06,876
- Thanks for the recap on
the booming magazine industry.
51
00:02:06,960 --> 00:02:10,213
I'm not "Cat-Tastic"
or any other imitator.
52
00:02:10,296 --> 00:02:13,383
I have been working
on my idea for years.
53
00:02:13,466 --> 00:02:15,593
- You say for years?
- Yeah.
54
00:02:15,677 --> 00:02:17,470
- Good.
Do me a favor.
55
00:02:17,554 --> 00:02:19,180
Come pitch it to me.
56
00:02:20,473 --> 00:02:22,100
- You're a publisher?
- I am.
57
00:02:22,183 --> 00:02:24,853
I'll see you in there.
Good luck.
58
00:02:28,898 --> 00:02:31,067
- "Giant Juggs."
"Milky Moms."
59
00:02:31,150 --> 00:02:34,153
Ew.
- Now go forth and conquer!
60
00:02:37,657 --> 00:02:39,158
- ♪ Ooh ♪
61
00:02:39,242 --> 00:02:42,287
♪ I don't swing my hips
when I walk ♪
62
00:02:42,370 --> 00:02:45,874
♪ And I don't bite my tongue
when I talk ♪
63
00:02:45,957 --> 00:02:49,168
♪ I don't move
when you want me to move ♪
64
00:02:49,252 --> 00:02:52,422
♪ And I don't groove
when you tell me to groove ♪
65
00:02:52,505 --> 00:02:56,426
♪ 'Cause I'm a queen,
and I always will be ♪
66
00:02:56,509 --> 00:03:00,680
♪ All you got to do
is try me ♪
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00:03:02,181 --> 00:03:03,766
- "Math is Hard.
68
00:03:03,850 --> 00:03:06,477
When Back to School
Makes You Feel Like a Fool."
69
00:03:07,937 --> 00:03:11,941
"From Date to Mate:
You Too Can Snag a Spouse."
70
00:03:13,568 --> 00:03:17,280
"The Grapefruit Diet:
Find Your Thin Within."
71
00:03:17,363 --> 00:03:19,616
What do these articles
have in common?
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00:03:19,699 --> 00:03:21,784
- They're cute and fun.
- With pictures of pretty gals.
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00:03:21,868 --> 00:03:24,078
- The kind of stuff
my old lady reads in the tub.
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00:03:25,413 --> 00:03:28,333
- What they have in common
is they're the exact opposite
75
00:03:28,416 --> 00:03:31,169
of the stories I'm gonna have
in my magazine.
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00:03:31,252 --> 00:03:34,422
This country treats women
like second-class citizens.
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00:03:34,505 --> 00:03:37,258
We're overlooked, underpaid,
and overwhelmed.
78
00:03:37,342 --> 00:03:39,969
We deserve a magazine
that inspires us--
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00:03:40,053 --> 00:03:41,346
that shows us how to fight.
80
00:03:41,429 --> 00:03:43,681
Gentlemen, this is your chance
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00:03:43,765 --> 00:03:46,100
to be on the right side
of history.
82
00:03:47,936 --> 00:03:51,564
"The Matriarchy Awakens."
83
00:03:57,070 --> 00:03:59,280
- Why is she so angry?
84
00:04:00,740 --> 00:04:04,035
- Uh, I believe I covered that
in my presenta--
85
00:04:14,170 --> 00:04:16,005
- Hey, "Cat-Tastic."
86
00:04:16,089 --> 00:04:17,840
You need a hand?
- No, I'm fine.
87
00:04:17,924 --> 00:04:19,008
- Suit yourself.
88
00:04:19,092 --> 00:04:21,010
Hey, you forgot
to find me today.
89
00:04:21,094 --> 00:04:22,303
How'd it go?
90
00:04:23,596 --> 00:04:25,264
- My pitch needs
a smidge of work.
91
00:04:25,348 --> 00:04:27,892
- Yeah, I overheard you
at "Conde Nasty."
92
00:04:27,976 --> 00:04:30,186
Hey, if it were me,
I'd stop bragging
93
00:04:30,269 --> 00:04:32,522
about how different I was
from the most successful
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00:04:32,605 --> 00:04:34,941
women's magazines in,
oh, I don't know, forever.
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00:04:35,024 --> 00:04:36,901
I would say that I was
just like 'em, you know,
96
00:04:36,985 --> 00:04:38,486
but--but with a twist.
97
00:04:38,569 --> 00:04:40,154
- Yeah, well,
maybe that'd work on you,
98
00:04:40,238 --> 00:04:41,864
but I'm looking for
a different kind of publisher.
99
00:04:41,948 --> 00:04:43,032
- Oh, yeah?
And what kind is that?
100
00:04:43,116 --> 00:04:44,075
- The kind that doesn't
101
00:04:44,158 --> 00:04:45,410
fetishize lactating mothers.
102
00:04:45,493 --> 00:04:48,454
Some mouth on you.
103
00:04:48,538 --> 00:04:50,373
You know, for your information,
I got 4 million
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00:04:50,456 --> 00:04:52,542
in circulation, I got
12 titles on the rack--
105
00:04:52,625 --> 00:04:55,044
- Yeah,
a dozen pornography titles.
106
00:04:56,295 --> 00:04:57,880
- What, you think
that's easy to do?
107
00:04:57,964 --> 00:05:00,425
- Breasts, more breasts.
Oh, look--bigger breasts.
108
00:05:00,508 --> 00:05:02,385
If you have to do porn,
at least be original.
109
00:05:02,468 --> 00:05:04,053
- Mm.
- Photograph naked old people.
110
00:05:04,137 --> 00:05:06,222
Or, I don't know, make
a magazine full of nude men.
111
00:05:06,305 --> 00:05:08,433
You know what, maybe you
could be the first centerfold.
112
00:05:08,516 --> 00:05:11,227
See how you like being
objectified for once.
113
00:05:13,730 --> 00:05:15,523
- You dropped something.
114
00:05:25,491 --> 00:05:28,202
- ♪ Yeah,
I had a dream I could fly ♪
115
00:05:28,286 --> 00:05:31,748
♪ High up above the ground ♪
116
00:05:33,624 --> 00:05:36,002
- I'm sorry, love,
it slipped my mind.
117
00:05:36,085 --> 00:05:37,462
- My parents already
think you hate them.
118
00:05:37,545 --> 00:05:39,130
- I don't hate
your parents, Glenn.
119
00:05:39,213 --> 00:05:40,882
Hate that they voted
for Nixon, but--
120
00:05:40,965 --> 00:05:43,051
- You know how my mom gets
hung up on this holiday party.
121
00:05:43,134 --> 00:05:46,095
- Well, that's what happens
to smart women who don't work.
122
00:05:46,179 --> 00:05:47,764
Still have these big brains,
123
00:05:47,847 --> 00:05:49,599
so they use them on things
that don't matter.
124
00:05:49,682 --> 00:05:52,894
See, now that's a story idea.
125
00:05:52,977 --> 00:05:54,687
- Right.
Of course it is.
126
00:05:54,771 --> 00:05:57,648
- What does that mean?
- Your magazine, Joyce.
127
00:05:57,732 --> 00:05:59,984
There are three people
in this relationship,
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00:06:00,068 --> 00:06:01,402
and not in a fun way.
129
00:06:01,486 --> 00:06:03,237
- Look, I know I've been
preoccupied lately.
130
00:06:03,321 --> 00:06:05,031
- Lately?
You've been completely obsessed
131
00:06:05,114 --> 00:06:06,491
the entire time
we've been dating.
132
00:06:06,574 --> 00:06:08,326
- Well, then so why does
it suddenly matter?
133
00:06:08,409 --> 00:06:09,452
- I guess I just thought
it would be out
134
00:06:09,535 --> 00:06:11,245
of your system by now.
135
00:06:15,500 --> 00:06:17,668
- Out of my system?
136
00:06:19,796 --> 00:06:22,965
You've just been
waiting for me to--
137
00:06:23,049 --> 00:06:25,760
what, give up?
138
00:06:25,843 --> 00:06:27,220
- Joyce.
139
00:06:29,639 --> 00:06:31,766
I love you.
140
00:06:31,849 --> 00:06:33,309
The magazine's not working out,
141
00:06:33,392 --> 00:06:35,353
and I don't get
why you're still going.
142
00:06:35,436 --> 00:06:36,729
- No,
of course you don't get it,
143
00:06:36,813 --> 00:06:38,064
because you rose
through the ranks
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00:06:38,147 --> 00:06:39,482
of a national magazine writing
145
00:06:39,565 --> 00:06:42,151
about houndstooth blazers
and skinny lapels.
146
00:06:42,235 --> 00:06:44,570
- Okay.
- But my stories are political.
147
00:06:44,654 --> 00:06:47,532
No one wants to touch 'em,
so I have to do it myself.
148
00:06:47,615 --> 00:06:50,409
- No, you don't.
Just put all of that energy
149
00:06:50,493 --> 00:06:51,828
into something else.
150
00:06:51,911 --> 00:06:55,123
We could have
a great life together.
151
00:06:56,707 --> 00:06:58,167
- Are you asking me to choose?
152
00:06:58,251 --> 00:07:01,129
- Well, it's not much
of a choice, is it?
153
00:07:03,339 --> 00:07:05,508
- No, it's not.
154
00:07:09,554 --> 00:07:11,180
- ♪ If you walk
upon the water ♪
155
00:07:11,264 --> 00:07:15,810
♪ Your feet start sinking
in the sand ♪
156
00:07:17,186 --> 00:07:22,650
♪ ♪
157
00:07:24,402 --> 00:07:27,655
♪ Father Time,
he must unwind ♪
158
00:07:27,738 --> 00:07:33,870
♪ Have a heart
and lose his mind ♪
159
00:07:33,953 --> 00:07:38,082
♪ I believe our bad luck
is gonna change ♪
160
00:07:38,166 --> 00:07:39,625
- Hello?
161
00:07:41,627 --> 00:07:43,171
- Yes, I did have
a good Valentine's Day.
162
00:07:43,254 --> 00:07:45,840
- We actually have
a Valentine's Day special.
163
00:07:45,923 --> 00:07:48,176
30% off if you order today.
164
00:07:49,635 --> 00:07:53,181
- That's right, just $9 a year.
165
00:07:53,264 --> 00:07:54,557
Mm-hmm.
166
00:07:54,640 --> 00:07:57,226
- Yeah, that's the sweet spot
right there.
167
00:07:57,310 --> 00:07:59,353
You know, you should do this
for your boyfriend,
168
00:07:59,437 --> 00:08:00,396
get him good and hot.
169
00:08:00,479 --> 00:08:02,023
- I'm sorry, what was that?
170
00:08:02,106 --> 00:08:03,482
Yes, ma'am,
you can cancel at any time.
171
00:08:03,566 --> 00:08:05,109
- You'll get the first issue
next week.
172
00:08:05,193 --> 00:08:07,445
Hope your daughter likes it.
173
00:08:09,363 --> 00:08:11,282
If she's as political
as you say, I'd recommend
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00:08:11,365 --> 00:08:13,284
getting a "Newsweek"
subscription instead.
175
00:08:13,367 --> 00:08:15,578
There's a revolution coming,
and we're still publishing
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00:08:15,661 --> 00:08:17,580
puff pieces
about David Cassidy.
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00:08:17,663 --> 00:08:19,290
- Hey ya, honey.
178
00:08:20,625 --> 00:08:21,584
- What are you doing here?
179
00:08:21,667 --> 00:08:23,544
- Oh, I came to kidnap you.
180
00:08:23,628 --> 00:08:26,756
Nah, you put where you work
in your magazine, dummy.
181
00:08:27,673 --> 00:08:29,091
- You read my magazine?
- I did.
182
00:08:29,175 --> 00:08:30,676
What, you think
I'm illiterate or something?
183
00:08:30,760 --> 00:08:32,261
- Well--
- Look, it's not Proust.
184
00:08:32,345 --> 00:08:33,721
- It's pronounced "Proost."
185
00:08:33,804 --> 00:08:35,431
- Do people enjoy your company?
186
00:08:35,514 --> 00:08:37,266
- Not really.
Look, you've got to go, okay?
187
00:08:37,350 --> 00:08:38,643
My co-workers are G-rated.
188
00:08:38,726 --> 00:08:40,144
They wear sweater sets
and pearls.
189
00:08:40,228 --> 00:08:41,729
- Oh, come on,
those sweater girls are all
190
00:08:41,812 --> 00:08:44,357
freaks on the inside,
you can trust me on that.
191
00:08:44,440 --> 00:08:45,942
Hey, come to Mort's, 1:00.
192
00:08:46,025 --> 00:08:47,235
Let's talk business, okay?
193
00:08:47,318 --> 00:08:48,611
- You think I'm just
gonna show up
194
00:08:48,694 --> 00:08:50,071
for some mystery meeting
in a diner,
195
00:08:50,154 --> 00:08:51,239
like I have nothing better to--
196
00:08:51,322 --> 00:08:52,782
- So, we're up in Lake Havasu,
197
00:08:52,865 --> 00:08:54,200
and we're shooting
these two chicks
198
00:08:54,283 --> 00:08:56,285
for the cover of "Asian Asses,"
199
00:08:56,369 --> 00:09:00,122
and I got this really sexy kind
of Vietnam rice paddy angle
200
00:09:00,206 --> 00:09:03,626
and my makeup boy, Richie,
knocks the bag of film
201
00:09:03,709 --> 00:09:04,794
right into the water.
202
00:09:04,877 --> 00:09:06,545
- Mm.
- So we got to shut down
203
00:09:06,629 --> 00:09:08,047
as he goes into town,
204
00:09:08,130 --> 00:09:09,632
and the chicks start bitching,
you know?
205
00:09:09,715 --> 00:09:11,175
- They do that.
- "Doug, how long
206
00:09:11,259 --> 00:09:12,802
is this gonna take?
It's so cold out here."
207
00:09:12,885 --> 00:09:14,887
So guess what I did.
208
00:09:14,971 --> 00:09:17,306
- Re-evaluated
your entire existence?
209
00:09:17,390 --> 00:09:18,516
- I gave them the only thing
210
00:09:18,599 --> 00:09:20,142
that I had to read in my car,
211
00:09:20,226 --> 00:09:22,687
which was your magazine.
212
00:09:22,770 --> 00:09:25,106
- Your centerfolds read
"The Matriarchy Awakens"?
213
00:09:25,189 --> 00:09:27,108
- Also not illiterate.
214
00:09:28,693 --> 00:09:30,194
- Did they like it?
215
00:09:30,278 --> 00:09:32,488
Not that it matters.
I'm just curious if they--
216
00:09:32,572 --> 00:09:34,365
- It blew 'em away.
217
00:09:34,448 --> 00:09:35,700
- It did?
- It did.
218
00:09:35,783 --> 00:09:36,993
It's been three weeks,
and they're still
219
00:09:37,076 --> 00:09:38,077
talking about the articles.
220
00:09:38,160 --> 00:09:39,537
And one of 'em even hit me up
221
00:09:39,620 --> 00:09:40,871
about a raise
because of something
222
00:09:40,955 --> 00:09:42,373
that you wrote
about the pay gap.
223
00:09:42,456 --> 00:09:43,708
- Well--
- I mean, she's not
224
00:09:43,791 --> 00:09:44,959
gonna get it.
225
00:09:45,042 --> 00:09:48,170
Look, I got a lot of readers.
Men.
226
00:09:48,254 --> 00:09:49,880
And they write to me
all the time,
227
00:09:49,964 --> 00:09:53,009
and they say,
"Doug, shit's changing."
228
00:09:53,092 --> 00:09:55,011
You know,
"Chicks are changing."
229
00:09:55,094 --> 00:09:56,387
So I got to figure out,
you know,
230
00:09:56,470 --> 00:09:57,847
what to do with that,
what's next.
231
00:09:57,930 --> 00:09:59,307
And then I started thinking
232
00:09:59,390 --> 00:10:01,559
maybe I got to stop talking
to the men.
233
00:10:01,642 --> 00:10:04,520
Maybe--maybe I should be
talking to the women.
234
00:10:04,603 --> 00:10:06,063
- You want to talk to women?
235
00:10:06,147 --> 00:10:07,398
- Well, there's a lot
of you out there,
236
00:10:07,481 --> 00:10:09,692
and I'd like a piece
of that pie.
237
00:10:09,775 --> 00:10:11,444
- Oh, you're not suggesting
that you publish
238
00:10:11,527 --> 00:10:12,570
"The Matriarchy Awakens."
239
00:10:12,653 --> 00:10:14,530
Oh, God no.
240
00:10:14,613 --> 00:10:16,032
I mean,
not in its current form.
241
00:10:16,115 --> 00:10:17,199
Hey, don't get me wrong,
it's good.
242
00:10:17,283 --> 00:10:18,659
It's just you got a challenge.
243
00:10:18,743 --> 00:10:20,536
And the tone,
it comes across as shouty.
244
00:10:20,620 --> 00:10:21,871
When I'm reading it,
I feel like
245
00:10:21,954 --> 00:10:23,247
a fucking teacher
is yelling at me.
246
00:10:23,331 --> 00:10:24,707
- Well, who cares
how it makes you feel?
247
00:10:24,790 --> 00:10:25,916
It's supposed
to make people think.
248
00:10:26,000 --> 00:10:27,335
- You got to hide the medicine.
249
00:10:27,418 --> 00:10:29,378
It's like when you give a pill
to a dog,
250
00:10:29,462 --> 00:10:31,714
you dip it
in peanut butter first.
251
00:10:31,797 --> 00:10:35,134
So my question is,
what's our peanut butter?
252
00:10:38,846 --> 00:10:40,890
- I'm sorry, are you waiting--
- It's nude men.
253
00:10:40,973 --> 00:10:42,683
Did you say nude men?
254
00:10:42,767 --> 00:10:44,560
- Not like a schvantz
right in the face,
255
00:10:44,644 --> 00:10:45,978
you know, classy.
256
00:10:46,062 --> 00:10:47,855
With your modern,
you know, lady point of view.
257
00:10:47,938 --> 00:10:49,315
- Are you mentally ill?
258
00:10:49,398 --> 00:10:51,442
- You're the one
who came up with the idea.
259
00:10:51,525 --> 00:10:54,111
- No--that was
a conversational bon mot.
260
00:10:54,195 --> 00:10:55,529
Do you even understand
261
00:10:55,613 --> 00:10:56,906
what it is I am trying
to do here?
262
00:10:56,989 --> 00:10:58,491
- Of course, I do--feminism.
263
00:10:58,574 --> 00:11:01,827
Making shit fair and equal
for the chicks.
264
00:11:01,911 --> 00:11:04,872
So tell me this,
how is it fair and equal
265
00:11:04,955 --> 00:11:09,460
that a guy has twelve places
to go to see a pair of titties,
266
00:11:09,543 --> 00:11:12,004
but a gal has no place
to go to see a dong?
267
00:11:12,088 --> 00:11:14,256
- Gals do not want
to see a dong.
268
00:11:14,340 --> 00:11:16,425
- Oh, they don't?
Now how do you know?
269
00:11:16,509 --> 00:11:18,094
- Because I am one, so.
- Mm.
270
00:11:18,177 --> 00:11:20,471
Well, would you like
to put money on it?
271
00:11:20,554 --> 00:11:22,765
- What, you mean, like a bet?
- No, honey.
272
00:11:22,848 --> 00:11:24,683
Like a magazine.
273
00:11:27,103 --> 00:11:29,814
- He wants to give you
an office and a staff
274
00:11:29,897 --> 00:11:32,441
and fund your first
three issues?
275
00:11:32,525 --> 00:11:34,777
Didn't you tell me that cost,
like, 50 grand?
276
00:11:34,860 --> 00:11:36,278
- Maybe.
- Joycie!
277
00:11:36,362 --> 00:11:37,613
That's a lot of money.
278
00:11:37,697 --> 00:11:39,615
- Yeah,
but it comes with strings.
279
00:11:39,698 --> 00:11:42,326
You know, big ones wrapped
around peckers.
280
00:11:42,410 --> 00:11:44,745
- Maybe it'll just be
a single, tiny weenus
281
00:11:44,829 --> 00:11:46,455
hidden in the back
of the magazine.
282
00:11:46,539 --> 00:11:48,374
- Why are you trying
to talk me into this?
283
00:11:48,457 --> 00:11:49,583
- You're my baby sister.
284
00:11:49,667 --> 00:11:51,001
I hate to see you
spin your wheels.
285
00:11:51,085 --> 00:11:52,628
You've been at this
for so long.
286
00:11:52,711 --> 00:11:54,213
- Look, I know
it's a good opportunity.
287
00:11:54,296 --> 00:11:56,132
Well, an opportunity.
- The only opportunity.
288
00:11:56,215 --> 00:11:58,467
- Why does it have to come
from this guy?
289
00:11:58,551 --> 00:12:01,929
He's just so wrong.
290
00:12:02,012 --> 00:12:03,973
- Do you think that Lenny had
all of the qualities
291
00:12:04,056 --> 00:12:05,808
I was looking for in a husband?
292
00:12:05,891 --> 00:12:07,685
You know, I wanted someone
who loved to travel,
293
00:12:07,768 --> 00:12:11,397
not someone who gets diarrhea
from looking at Chinese food.
294
00:12:11,480 --> 00:12:13,983
But he takes care of me.
He's a great dad.
295
00:12:14,066 --> 00:12:16,569
No, I didn't get everything
I wanted, you know,
296
00:12:16,652 --> 00:12:18,654
but I'm--I'm happy.
297
00:12:22,575 --> 00:12:25,536
- All right,
even if I wanted to,
298
00:12:25,619 --> 00:12:27,580
do you think
I could pull this off?
299
00:12:27,663 --> 00:12:29,039
The--the nudity?
300
00:12:29,123 --> 00:12:30,291
- Why not?
301
00:12:30,374 --> 00:12:32,460
- 'Cause I'm not
some sexy, cool girl.
302
00:12:32,543 --> 00:12:34,086
I went to Vassar.
- Yeah, and that's what
303
00:12:34,170 --> 00:12:37,631
this guy wants from you,
that Seven Sisters polish...
304
00:12:37,715 --> 00:12:39,175
all over his magazine of knobs.
305
00:12:39,258 --> 00:12:40,509
- Oh, Shelly.
Don't be disgusting.
306
00:12:40,593 --> 00:12:42,011
- What?
You're the pornographer.
307
00:12:42,094 --> 00:12:44,889
You got to get used
to this kind of talk.
308
00:12:48,309 --> 00:12:51,687
- ♪ I am woman, hear me roar,
in numbers ♪
309
00:12:51,770 --> 00:12:54,148
♪ Too big to ignore ♪
- ♪ Too big to ignore ♪
310
00:12:54,231 --> 00:12:59,487
♪ No one's ever gonna
keep me down again ♪
311
00:12:59,570 --> 00:13:02,406
♪ Oh, yes, I am wise ♪
312
00:13:02,490 --> 00:13:05,868
♪ But it's wisdom
born of pain ♪
313
00:13:05,951 --> 00:13:08,412
♪ Yes, I've paid the price ♪
314
00:13:08,496 --> 00:13:09,747
♪ But look how much ♪
315
00:13:09,830 --> 00:13:10,998
♪ I've gained ♪
316
00:13:11,081 --> 00:13:12,875
♪ If I have to ♪
317
00:13:12,958 --> 00:13:16,128
♪ I can do anything ♪
318
00:13:16,212 --> 00:13:18,380
♪ I am strong, strong ♪
319
00:13:18,464 --> 00:13:21,842
♪ I am invincible, invincible ♪
320
00:13:23,385 --> 00:13:24,762
I'm in Gomorrah.
321
00:13:27,890 --> 00:13:34,980
♪ ♪
322
00:13:39,527 --> 00:13:41,946
- You need something?
323
00:13:42,029 --> 00:13:43,322
Good morning.
Hello.
324
00:13:43,405 --> 00:13:46,325
Um, yes, I'm here to see,
um, Doug Renetti.
325
00:13:46,408 --> 00:13:49,161
My name is Joyce--
- Joyce Prigger, is that you?
326
00:13:49,245 --> 00:13:51,080
Hi!
I'm Bambi.
327
00:13:51,163 --> 00:13:52,289
- Hi--
- So good to meet you.
328
00:13:52,373 --> 00:13:54,041
- Hi.
- I model for Doug.
329
00:13:54,124 --> 00:13:55,626
Most recently
in "Bodacious Butts."
330
00:13:55,709 --> 00:13:57,002
I was Miss May, June,
and July.
331
00:13:57,086 --> 00:13:59,630
- Oh--oh, wow.
That's a busy summer.
332
00:13:59,713 --> 00:14:01,215
- Yeah, it was almost too much.
333
00:14:01,298 --> 00:14:03,217
- Oh.
- I'm tired.
334
00:14:03,300 --> 00:14:04,552
Um, can I just say,
335
00:14:04,635 --> 00:14:06,679
thank you so much
for this opportunity?
336
00:14:06,762 --> 00:14:10,558
I mean, to learn from someone
like you is just--
337
00:14:10,641 --> 00:14:11,809
oh, Doug didn't tell you?
338
00:14:11,892 --> 00:14:13,185
I'm working for the magazine.
339
00:14:13,269 --> 00:14:14,395
I'm your new
centerfold coordinator.
340
00:14:14,478 --> 00:14:16,146
- Oh!
- Okay, tour time.
341
00:14:16,230 --> 00:14:17,856
- What is
a centerfold coordinator?
342
00:14:17,940 --> 00:14:20,526
- I don't know, I made it up.
Doesn't it sound fancy?
343
00:14:20,609 --> 00:14:22,194
Okay,
so it's basically just like
344
00:14:22,278 --> 00:14:23,612
any other regular old office.
345
00:14:23,696 --> 00:14:25,948
We have Art Department,
Editorial.
346
00:14:26,031 --> 00:14:28,075
That's Shipping, Accounting.
347
00:14:28,158 --> 00:14:30,119
Ugh.
Ignore Gerry.
348
00:14:30,202 --> 00:14:31,870
He's just mad
Doug pulled the plug
349
00:14:31,954 --> 00:14:34,039
on his magazine idea
to do yours.
350
00:14:34,123 --> 00:14:35,791
- Your accountant created
a magazine?
351
00:14:35,874 --> 00:14:37,376
- Yeah.
You know Doug.
352
00:14:37,459 --> 00:14:40,379
He thinks a zillion-dollar
idea can come from anyone.
353
00:14:40,462 --> 00:14:43,132
This is all
our photo editing and--
354
00:14:43,215 --> 00:14:45,092
- Is he rouging
that woman's breasts?
355
00:14:45,175 --> 00:14:46,719
- Oh, yeah.
356
00:14:46,802 --> 00:14:48,512
Um, nips don't read pink
under hot lights,
357
00:14:48,596 --> 00:14:50,347
so we have to--huh.
358
00:14:50,431 --> 00:14:52,683
Richie, are we gonna have
to put makeup on dicks?
359
00:14:52,766 --> 00:14:54,685
- Mm, one can only hope.
360
00:14:54,768 --> 00:14:56,312
- That's Richie.
361
00:14:56,395 --> 00:14:57,688
- Oh.
- He's our makeup artist,
362
00:14:57,771 --> 00:14:59,356
but he's gonna
be your photographer,
363
00:14:59,440 --> 00:15:01,066
'cause none of the other guys
want to shoot wieners.
364
00:15:01,150 --> 00:15:02,860
- Don't worry,
I know my way around a camera.
365
00:15:02,943 --> 00:15:04,695
I've been photographing
my lovers throughout the years.
366
00:15:04,778 --> 00:15:06,530
- Oh.
- Ooh, I love this ensemble.
367
00:15:06,614 --> 00:15:08,991
- Oh.
Enchanté.
368
00:15:10,868 --> 00:15:12,911
Morning.
369
00:15:17,207 --> 00:15:18,542
- Doug.
370
00:15:18,626 --> 00:15:20,085
- Hey, look who made it.
371
00:15:20,169 --> 00:15:21,629
You look beat.
Long drive?
372
00:15:21,712 --> 00:15:23,255
How's a cup of coffee?
373
00:15:23,339 --> 00:15:24,757
- A cup of tea would be divine.
374
00:15:24,840 --> 00:15:26,842
- Oh, I'm not the secretary.
I'm just Black.
375
00:15:28,594 --> 00:15:30,179
- I'm so sorry.
It was actually the way
376
00:15:30,262 --> 00:15:31,805
that you were pouring the
waters that I thought that--
377
00:15:31,889 --> 00:15:33,349
- Reminded you of the help
at your tennis club?
378
00:15:33,432 --> 00:15:35,017
- No.
Uh--ah, well,
379
00:15:35,100 --> 00:15:36,644
we are members
of a tennis club,
380
00:15:36,727 --> 00:15:41,357
but the waitstaff there
is mostly Mexican, um--
381
00:15:43,192 --> 00:15:44,526
- She's fucking with you.
382
00:15:44,610 --> 00:15:46,695
Tina's my secretary
going on ten years.
383
00:15:46,779 --> 00:15:49,406
- Oh, that's very funny.
- Racist.
384
00:15:49,490 --> 00:15:53,702
- All right, fuckers, here's
our timeline, lean and mean.
385
00:15:53,786 --> 00:15:55,454
- A week to produce
a test issue?
386
00:15:55,537 --> 00:15:57,581
That is way too fast.
- Well, we got to boogie
387
00:15:57,665 --> 00:15:59,249
if we want to be the first
out of the gate, right?
388
00:15:59,333 --> 00:16:00,459
- You think
there's a second nude
389
00:16:00,542 --> 00:16:01,919
feminist magazine in the works?
390
00:16:02,002 --> 00:16:03,462
- If there's not now,
there soon will be.
391
00:16:03,545 --> 00:16:05,589
Centerfold ideas, shoot.
What do we got?
392
00:16:05,673 --> 00:16:07,007
Bambi, go ahead.
393
00:16:07,091 --> 00:16:08,550
- Um, I was thinking,
394
00:16:08,634 --> 00:16:10,678
what's the number one thing
women find sexy?
395
00:16:10,761 --> 00:16:12,429
- Intelligence--
- Motorcycles.
396
00:16:12,513 --> 00:16:14,890
Picture this:
tricked out Harley,
397
00:16:14,973 --> 00:16:18,977
big, muscley model with a juicy
boner draped over the throttle.
398
00:16:19,061 --> 00:16:20,270
- Mm.
- What's the caption?
399
00:16:20,354 --> 00:16:21,563
- "Wild Hogs."
- "Greasy Riders."
400
00:16:21,647 --> 00:16:23,941
- Oh.
- Ooh, I got it.
401
00:16:24,024 --> 00:16:25,943
"Rode Hard and Put Away Wet."
402
00:16:26,026 --> 00:16:27,736
- Ooh, yes.
- That's the one.
403
00:16:27,820 --> 00:16:29,238
- Bambi, that's genius.
- That's really good, Bambi--
404
00:16:29,321 --> 00:16:30,656
- Yo--ah--this is just
405
00:16:30,739 --> 00:16:32,408
not quite what I had in mind.
406
00:16:32,491 --> 00:16:34,702
It's a great first try though.
407
00:16:34,785 --> 00:16:37,037
- What's wrong with it?
- It's just, how do motorcycles
408
00:16:37,121 --> 00:16:38,414
relate to feminism?
409
00:16:38,497 --> 00:16:41,166
Are erections consistent
with our philosophy?
410
00:16:41,250 --> 00:16:44,503
If--if our goal is
to level the playing field
411
00:16:44,586 --> 00:16:47,423
between the sexes,
then should our penises
412
00:16:47,506 --> 00:16:48,966
be ready to assault?
413
00:16:49,049 --> 00:16:51,760
Or--or should they be
approachable and unassuming,
414
00:16:51,844 --> 00:16:56,223
draped gently on a thigh,
tucked away, under a throw?
415
00:16:56,306 --> 00:16:58,767
- I think you're missing
the point of a centerfold.
416
00:16:58,851 --> 00:17:00,436
No one cares about philosophy.
417
00:17:00,519 --> 00:17:03,981
The only question that matters
is, does it turn you on?
418
00:17:04,064 --> 00:17:06,150
- That is a question
for the ages,
419
00:17:06,233 --> 00:17:07,693
which we could debate
for months.
420
00:17:07,776 --> 00:17:09,778
- Well, we wouldn't want
to do that, now would we?
421
00:17:09,862 --> 00:17:12,656
- Well, we wouldn't want
to rush into things either.
422
00:17:12,740 --> 00:17:13,949
You know,
we should give this magazine
423
00:17:14,032 --> 00:17:15,242
the thought it deserves.
424
00:17:15,325 --> 00:17:16,326
- And I think we are.
- Some highly
425
00:17:16,410 --> 00:17:17,745
recommended reading,
426
00:17:17,828 --> 00:17:19,413
"Lady Chatterley's Lover,"
427
00:17:19,496 --> 00:17:21,957
and then we have
the "Kinsey Report,"
428
00:17:22,040 --> 00:17:23,751
Volumes 1 and 2.
429
00:17:23,834 --> 00:17:27,129
And last summer's bestseller,
"Our Bodies, Ourselves."
430
00:17:27,212 --> 00:17:32,134
There is an eye-opening
section on vulvas, page 93.
431
00:17:34,553 --> 00:17:35,929
- Great.
432
00:17:39,600 --> 00:17:42,686
- You sure about this one?
She seems a little brainy.
433
00:17:42,770 --> 00:17:44,521
- Yeah,
I think that's the point.
434
00:17:44,605 --> 00:17:46,815
Unless you want to be selling
under-the-counter mags
435
00:17:46,899 --> 00:17:48,650
for the rest of your life.
436
00:17:48,734 --> 00:17:51,653
- Got us this far.
437
00:17:51,737 --> 00:17:53,822
- Yeah, but you were happy
selling magazines
438
00:17:53,906 --> 00:17:55,949
out of the trunk of my car.
439
00:17:56,033 --> 00:17:57,868
- You were pretty happy
then too.
440
00:18:00,245 --> 00:18:01,580
- This is gonna be great
for us.
441
00:18:01,663 --> 00:18:03,665
You'll see.
We just got to get Joyce
442
00:18:03,749 --> 00:18:05,375
out of her own head.
443
00:18:05,459 --> 00:18:08,128
- ♪ Late night mama ♪
444
00:18:08,212 --> 00:18:11,173
♪ She likes to get it on ♪
445
00:18:11,256 --> 00:18:12,800
♪ Yeah ♪
446
00:18:12,883 --> 00:18:16,970
♪ And she's my
late night mama ♪
447
00:18:17,054 --> 00:18:19,848
♪ She likes to get it on ♪
448
00:18:21,683 --> 00:18:25,854
♪ Oh, she's my
late night mama ♪
449
00:18:25,938 --> 00:18:28,732
♪ She likes to get it on ♪
450
00:18:30,067 --> 00:18:32,569
- Who are those guys?
- Models--potential models.
451
00:18:32,653 --> 00:18:35,697
- We agreed to take our time.
- Yeah--we've got momentum.
452
00:18:35,781 --> 00:18:37,574
You do not stand in front
of a moving train.
453
00:18:37,658 --> 00:18:40,327
- I have ideas
for big, splashy stories.
454
00:18:40,410 --> 00:18:41,870
Okay, um--
- Okay.
455
00:18:41,954 --> 00:18:43,997
- I--I could go undercover
at an abortion clinic,
456
00:18:44,081 --> 00:18:45,916
and I could take
firsthand accounts of rape.
457
00:18:45,999 --> 00:18:48,085
- You could also walk up
and down Sunset Boulevard,
458
00:18:48,168 --> 00:18:50,671
shouting our idea into the
windows of other publishers.
459
00:18:50,754 --> 00:18:52,506
- What is this obsession
you have with getting scooped?
460
00:18:52,589 --> 00:18:55,384
- Has farting up your own ass
gotten you anywhere in life?
461
00:18:55,467 --> 00:18:56,885
- Apparently not.
462
00:19:00,305 --> 00:19:03,392
- Okay.
Joyce, please,
463
00:19:03,475 --> 00:19:05,686
just give me a couple of days.
464
00:19:05,769 --> 00:19:08,605
That's all I ask.
Just try it my way.
465
00:19:10,732 --> 00:19:12,109
Okay.
466
00:19:12,192 --> 00:19:15,529
"Electric flesh-arrows
traversing the body.
467
00:19:15,612 --> 00:19:18,866
"A rainbow of color
strikes the eyelids.
468
00:19:18,949 --> 00:19:22,494
It is the gong of orgasm."
469
00:19:22,578 --> 00:19:24,746
- Hey.
We're looking for models
470
00:19:24,830 --> 00:19:26,748
for a male nude magazine.
471
00:19:26,832 --> 00:19:28,584
You'll be--
472
00:19:28,667 --> 00:19:30,419
you'll be butt-ass naked,
that means your dick.
473
00:19:30,502 --> 00:19:33,839
If you got a problem with it,
the door's right there.
474
00:19:33,922 --> 00:19:35,257
- Let's do it.
- Great.
475
00:19:35,340 --> 00:19:37,801
- Okay.
Go ahead.
476
00:19:42,848 --> 00:19:44,516
- Uh--um, uh--
477
00:19:46,268 --> 00:19:48,770
Does this not feel
predatory to you?
478
00:19:48,854 --> 00:19:51,440
I mean,
why do we have to see...
479
00:19:51,523 --> 00:19:52,858
the thing
before the photoshoot?
480
00:19:52,941 --> 00:19:54,359
I'm sure it's lovely,
you know--well,
481
00:19:54,443 --> 00:19:55,861
I mean, as lovely
as they get, right?
482
00:19:55,944 --> 00:19:58,113
They are all
basically the same, so.
483
00:19:58,196 --> 00:19:59,698
- Not all wieners
are the same, babes.
484
00:19:59,781 --> 00:20:03,118
There's shorties, fatties,
long ones, flatties.
485
00:20:03,201 --> 00:20:05,287
- Playful, shy, jaded, bored.
486
00:20:05,370 --> 00:20:07,623
- You have seen a dick before?
- Of course I've seen dicks.
487
00:20:07,706 --> 00:20:09,207
I've seen so many dicks.
488
00:20:11,209 --> 00:20:14,087
I've seen two and a half.
489
00:20:14,171 --> 00:20:15,797
In very dim lighting.
490
00:20:15,881 --> 00:20:17,132
- Oh, wow.
491
00:20:18,550 --> 00:20:20,594
- Panties off.
492
00:20:24,890 --> 00:20:26,558
- Oh.
- Oh!
493
00:20:26,642 --> 00:20:28,310
A short fatty.
- That's a fun combo.
494
00:20:31,772 --> 00:20:33,190
♪ ♪
495
00:20:33,273 --> 00:20:36,193
- ♪ Mr. Big Stuff ♪
496
00:20:36,276 --> 00:20:38,487
♪ Who do you think you are? ♪
497
00:20:38,570 --> 00:20:41,156
♪ Mr. Big Stuff ♪
498
00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:43,408
♪ You're never
gonna get my love ♪
499
00:20:43,492 --> 00:20:45,160
- Ooh.
500
00:20:45,243 --> 00:20:46,495
- ♪ Not because you wear ♪
501
00:20:46,578 --> 00:20:48,330
♪ All those fancy clothes ♪
502
00:20:48,413 --> 00:20:49,498
- ♪ Oh, yeah ♪
503
00:20:49,581 --> 00:20:51,124
- Oh.
- Great.
504
00:20:51,208 --> 00:20:53,669
- ♪ Oh, yes, you do now ♪
505
00:20:53,752 --> 00:20:56,672
♪ Do you think
I can't afford ♪
506
00:20:56,755 --> 00:20:58,548
♪ To give you my love ♪
507
00:20:58,632 --> 00:21:01,426
- ♪ Oh, yeah ♪
- ♪ You think you're higher ♪
508
00:21:01,510 --> 00:21:04,513
♪ Than every star above ♪
509
00:21:04,596 --> 00:21:05,639
- I like him.
510
00:21:05,722 --> 00:21:07,015
- ♪ Tell me ♪
511
00:21:07,099 --> 00:21:09,476
♪ Who do you think you are? ♪
512
00:21:09,559 --> 00:21:12,104
♪ Mr. Big Stuff ♪
513
00:21:12,187 --> 00:21:14,314
♪ You're never
gonna get my love ♪
514
00:21:14,398 --> 00:21:17,150
♪ Mr. Big Stuff ♪
515
00:21:17,234 --> 00:21:18,860
♪ You're never
gonna make me cry ♪
516
00:21:18,944 --> 00:21:20,404
- I don't know, I think--
I mean,
517
00:21:20,487 --> 00:21:21,738
what'd you guys think
of this one, right?
518
00:21:21,822 --> 00:21:23,365
- Oh, I loved him.
- Oh, he's cute.
519
00:21:23,448 --> 00:21:24,741
And he's a real sweetheart too.
- Yeah.
520
00:21:24,825 --> 00:21:26,284
- Right?
- He was an adorable idiot.
521
00:21:26,368 --> 00:21:28,704
He was like a Golden Retriever
in human form.
522
00:21:28,787 --> 00:21:30,038
- Are you always this picky?
523
00:21:30,122 --> 00:21:31,665
- Look, whomever
we choose is gonna have
524
00:21:31,748 --> 00:21:34,042
to sell the philosophy
behind the magazine, okay?
525
00:21:34,126 --> 00:21:35,627
If he's not an intellectual,
526
00:21:35,711 --> 00:21:37,838
then how are we any different
than "Milky Moms"?
527
00:21:37,921 --> 00:21:39,715
- Joyce, I hate to--
528
00:21:41,299 --> 00:21:43,427
- Sorry, I read the time wrong.
529
00:21:43,510 --> 00:21:46,638
I thought you guys
started at 12:00 a.m.
530
00:21:46,722 --> 00:21:49,349
- What audition starts
at midnight?
531
00:21:49,433 --> 00:21:50,851
- Rats.
532
00:21:50,934 --> 00:21:52,811
I'm always getting my a.m.s
and my p.m.s confused.
533
00:21:52,894 --> 00:21:54,813
- Oh.
- Wasting no time.
534
00:21:54,896 --> 00:21:56,481
- Did you strip down
in our hall?
535
00:21:56,565 --> 00:21:58,025
- The receptionist told me to.
536
00:21:58,108 --> 00:21:59,526
Did I do something wrong?
537
00:21:59,609 --> 00:22:01,486
- Not cool, Rita.
- Aw, that's happened
538
00:22:01,570 --> 00:22:02,738
to me a million times.
539
00:22:02,821 --> 00:22:05,157
- So tell us about yourself.
540
00:22:06,825 --> 00:22:09,619
- I'm Shane.
541
00:22:09,703 --> 00:22:11,747
I'm a fireman.
542
00:22:17,419 --> 00:22:19,421
- Is that it?
543
00:22:19,504 --> 00:22:23,175
- Um, I grew up in Malibu.
544
00:22:23,258 --> 00:22:26,970
Played football for Pali.
Go Dolphins!
545
00:22:27,054 --> 00:22:30,098
- All right, well, thank you.
We will call you.
546
00:22:31,433 --> 00:22:33,143
Oh.
- Oh, shit.
547
00:22:33,226 --> 00:22:34,561
- Everyone stay calm.
548
00:22:34,644 --> 00:22:36,480
The shaking you're feeling
is an earthquake.
549
00:22:36,563 --> 00:22:38,648
- Yes, thank you.
We know what an earthquake is.
550
00:22:38,732 --> 00:22:40,692
We live in Los Angeles.
551
00:22:40,776 --> 00:22:41,735
Whoa--ah!
552
00:22:50,660 --> 00:22:52,913
- Are you okay, ma'am?
553
00:22:52,996 --> 00:22:54,748
- Yeah.
554
00:22:54,831 --> 00:22:56,666
Yeah, um,
555
00:22:56,750 --> 00:22:58,668
I'm fine.
556
00:22:58,752 --> 00:23:00,170
Thank you.
557
00:23:00,253 --> 00:23:02,047
- Just doing my job.
558
00:23:03,965 --> 00:23:05,967
- Maybe we should
stay here just a second,
559
00:23:06,051 --> 00:23:08,136
in case
there's any aftershocks.
560
00:23:08,220 --> 00:23:10,013
- Okay.
561
00:23:10,097 --> 00:23:11,598
That's fine.
562
00:23:12,808 --> 00:23:16,144
- ♪ Joyce has a boyfriend,
Joyce has a boyfriend ♪
563
00:23:16,228 --> 00:23:18,980
- He loves you.
He wants to put babies in you.
564
00:23:19,064 --> 00:23:20,440
- Oh, yeah.
565
00:23:20,524 --> 00:23:22,025
- Vassar's gonna ball
our first centerfold.
566
00:23:22,109 --> 00:23:23,985
- I never said
he was our centerfold.
567
00:23:24,069 --> 00:23:25,570
- You're a white bitch.
568
00:23:25,654 --> 00:23:27,531
We want white bitch readers
because they have money.
569
00:23:27,614 --> 00:23:28,824
- Mm.
- If you want to fuck him,
570
00:23:28,907 --> 00:23:30,117
the other
white bitches will too.
571
00:23:30,200 --> 00:23:31,827
- I never said
I want to F him--
572
00:23:31,910 --> 00:23:33,370
- Ah, you just about
creamed my couch.
573
00:23:33,453 --> 00:23:34,996
- Oh, come on!
574
00:23:35,080 --> 00:23:37,249
- The "Kinsey Reports" says
that a woman's vagina
575
00:23:37,332 --> 00:23:39,084
doubles in length
when she's horny.
576
00:23:39,167 --> 00:23:41,211
Ha!
It's called "vaginal tenting".
577
00:23:41,294 --> 00:23:43,171
- Bambi, no.
- Okay, I may have
578
00:23:43,255 --> 00:23:45,632
found him desirable, yes,
but it's not my fault.
579
00:23:45,715 --> 00:23:49,636
Evolution has conditioned women
to be attracted to rescuers.
580
00:23:49,719 --> 00:23:51,346
It's up to us to overcome
our animal desires--
581
00:23:51,429 --> 00:23:53,682
- Someone please stop her.
That is no fun.
582
00:23:53,765 --> 00:23:55,684
- Well, maybe I'm no fun then.
- You are.
583
00:23:55,767 --> 00:23:57,561
You're just scared
of that part of yourself,
584
00:23:57,644 --> 00:23:59,521
'cause you think
it makes you seem weak.
585
00:23:59,604 --> 00:24:01,690
You know, you can be
more than one thing.
586
00:24:01,773 --> 00:24:04,693
- Uh, maybe for a guy.
Women cannot lose focus.
587
00:24:04,776 --> 00:24:05,902
- All right, maybe.
Either way,
588
00:24:05,986 --> 00:24:07,654
it's a good idea for a story.
589
00:24:07,737 --> 00:24:10,157
- Mm, that is a good idea.
Did you just come up with that?
590
00:24:10,240 --> 00:24:11,783
- I guess I'm more
than one thing too.
591
00:24:11,867 --> 00:24:12,993
How's that?
592
00:24:13,076 --> 00:24:14,995
- Let's drink.
- Fireman!
593
00:24:15,078 --> 00:24:19,166
Fireman! Fireman! Fireman!
594
00:24:19,249 --> 00:24:20,083
- Whoo!
595
00:24:28,175 --> 00:24:30,719
- Okay, bye.
- Bye!
596
00:24:34,556 --> 00:24:37,350
- 7:00 a.m.
Wow.
597
00:24:37,434 --> 00:24:39,060
- Can I help you
with something?
598
00:24:39,144 --> 00:24:40,729
- Yeah, I was just dropping off
some of your stuff
599
00:24:40,812 --> 00:24:42,230
that you left at my place.
600
00:24:42,314 --> 00:24:44,566
Thought you'd be getting ready
for work by now.
601
00:24:44,649 --> 00:24:47,027
- Took some time off.
- Did you?
602
00:24:47,110 --> 00:24:49,404
- I am developing
"The Matriarchy Awakens"
603
00:24:49,487 --> 00:24:51,489
with a prominent publisher.
604
00:24:51,573 --> 00:24:53,366
All those nights,
605
00:24:53,450 --> 00:24:55,827
working away in your room
and for what?
606
00:24:55,911 --> 00:24:58,330
So you could be
the porn queen of Pasadena?
607
00:24:58,413 --> 00:24:59,497
- How do you know about--
- How do I know?
608
00:24:59,581 --> 00:25:00,832
Everybody's gonna know, Joyce.
609
00:25:00,916 --> 00:25:02,209
This isn't a secret
you can keep.
610
00:25:02,292 --> 00:25:03,585
This is low.
- Anyway, it's just--
611
00:25:03,668 --> 00:25:05,253
it's a small part
of the magazine, so.
612
00:25:05,337 --> 00:25:07,964
- Do you know the story
of McGregor?
613
00:25:08,048 --> 00:25:09,633
- Who?
- A drunk starts talking
614
00:25:09,716 --> 00:25:11,509
to a tourist in a Scottish pub.
615
00:25:11,593 --> 00:25:14,179
He says, "Do you see
that dock over there?
616
00:25:14,262 --> 00:25:16,723
"I built it myself,
stone by stone.
617
00:25:16,806 --> 00:25:19,142
"But do they call me
McGregor the dock builder?
618
00:25:19,226 --> 00:25:21,603
"No.
You see that bridge over there?
619
00:25:21,686 --> 00:25:23,104
"I built that too.
620
00:25:23,188 --> 00:25:25,815
"But do they call me
McGregor the bridge builder?
621
00:25:25,899 --> 00:25:28,443
"No.
622
00:25:28,526 --> 00:25:30,862
But you fuck one sheep--"
623
00:25:30,946 --> 00:25:32,530
- You're a real jerk,
you know that?
624
00:25:32,614 --> 00:25:34,532
- And you're a sellout.
625
00:25:35,867 --> 00:25:37,452
Good luck with the magazine.
626
00:25:39,704 --> 00:25:41,456
- Compromising your vision.
627
00:25:41,539 --> 00:25:43,333
It gets a bad rap,
628
00:25:43,416 --> 00:25:45,377
but should it?
629
00:25:45,460 --> 00:25:46,461
You know, I say--
630
00:25:46,544 --> 00:25:48,088
ow!
631
00:25:50,674 --> 00:25:51,508
Gloria?
632
00:25:51,591 --> 00:25:52,759
- Compromise is for those
633
00:25:52,842 --> 00:25:54,010
who lack the will to fight.
634
00:25:54,094 --> 00:25:56,554
You've made a mockery
of us all.
635
00:26:07,774 --> 00:26:08,817
- Hello?
- Babes!
636
00:26:08,900 --> 00:26:09,985
We've been calling all day.
637
00:26:10,068 --> 00:26:11,194
The photoshoot's a go.
638
00:26:11,278 --> 00:26:13,238
We start at 6:00.
639
00:26:19,953 --> 00:26:22,247
- Who plans a photoshoot
in one day?
640
00:26:22,330 --> 00:26:23,456
- We do.
641
00:26:23,540 --> 00:26:25,000
Don't you think it looks great?
642
00:26:25,083 --> 00:26:26,543
Hey, Richie,
how 'bout a little tighter?
643
00:26:26,626 --> 00:26:27,961
- Yeah, okay.
644
00:26:29,504 --> 00:26:32,257
- This is cheesy.
And--
645
00:26:32,340 --> 00:26:33,800
I'm sorry,
this is just embarrassing.
646
00:26:33,883 --> 00:26:36,011
And it's--this--
it's completely meaningless.
647
00:26:36,094 --> 00:26:37,721
We're supposed to be
saying something here.
648
00:26:37,804 --> 00:26:40,223
- Okay, Joyce, come on.
Take a minute and enjoy this.
649
00:26:40,307 --> 00:26:42,017
Look at all these people
working hard
650
00:26:42,100 --> 00:26:44,102
to make your dream come true.
651
00:26:44,185 --> 00:26:45,603
- You think this is my dream?
652
00:26:45,687 --> 00:26:48,690
My dream is a pot
of delicious, healthy soup,
653
00:26:48,773 --> 00:26:50,734
and what you're doing is adding
a tiny little piece of shit
654
00:26:50,817 --> 00:26:53,153
to it and stirring it in,
hoping no one's gonna notice.
655
00:26:53,236 --> 00:26:54,571
- Oh, is that right?
- This is not just
656
00:26:54,654 --> 00:26:56,323
some piece of business
for me, okay?
657
00:26:56,406 --> 00:26:58,491
This is my life's work.
Why should I have
658
00:26:58,575 --> 00:26:59,784
to compromise that
for someone else?
659
00:26:59,868 --> 00:27:01,786
- Because grow the fuck up.
660
00:27:01,870 --> 00:27:02,954
That's why.
661
00:27:03,038 --> 00:27:04,331
You think
you're doing me a favor?
662
00:27:04,414 --> 00:27:05,999
I'm a goddamn success story.
663
00:27:06,082 --> 00:27:08,710
I'm the American Dream,
and I'm sorry to tell you this,
664
00:27:08,793 --> 00:27:11,755
Joyce, but maybe
your magazine isn't as good
665
00:27:11,838 --> 00:27:13,423
as you think it is--yet.
666
00:27:13,506 --> 00:27:14,716
- Who are you
to determine that?
667
00:27:14,799 --> 00:27:16,593
- I'm the money.
668
00:27:18,303 --> 00:27:20,430
- Yeah, well,
your money costs too much.
669
00:27:21,806 --> 00:27:23,600
- Well, that's too bad,
'cause I'm the only one
670
00:27:23,683 --> 00:27:25,643
who sees what you can do.
671
00:27:29,356 --> 00:27:33,985
- Guys, am I draping my penis
over the fire pole or--
672
00:27:35,820 --> 00:27:37,489
What?
673
00:27:40,575 --> 00:27:42,952
♪ ♪
674
00:27:43,036 --> 00:27:44,329
- Hey, sexy lady.
675
00:27:44,412 --> 00:27:46,247
- Fuck you!
676
00:27:46,331 --> 00:27:48,541
- That's the idea.
677
00:28:00,178 --> 00:28:02,931
- Yoo-hoo.
678
00:28:03,014 --> 00:28:06,810
I stole the kids' baskets and
blamed it on the Easter Devil.
679
00:28:06,893 --> 00:28:08,269
That's a new character
I created.
680
00:28:08,353 --> 00:28:10,271
You're not the only artist
in the family.
681
00:28:10,355 --> 00:28:11,398
- Hmm.
- Here,
682
00:28:11,481 --> 00:28:12,899
chocolate makes it better.
683
00:28:12,982 --> 00:28:14,818
- No, I'm fine.
- Hmm.
684
00:28:18,363 --> 00:28:19,656
Why aren't you answering
my calls?
685
00:28:19,739 --> 00:28:21,074
It's been weeks.
686
00:28:21,157 --> 00:28:23,493
- 'Cause I've been busy
rethinking my life.
687
00:28:23,576 --> 00:28:25,745
- Mm, and have you been
to a newsstand recently?
688
00:28:25,829 --> 00:28:27,122
You know, a research trip?
689
00:28:27,205 --> 00:28:28,498
- Nope.
I'm done with all that.
690
00:28:28,581 --> 00:28:29,874
I'm gonna do what Glenn does.
691
00:28:29,958 --> 00:28:31,334
Sit tight at "Teen Queen,"
692
00:28:31,418 --> 00:28:33,128
write about eyeliner,
get promoted.
693
00:28:33,211 --> 00:28:34,462
- Okay, well, if you--
- Look, Shell,
694
00:28:34,546 --> 00:28:35,880
I know that you want this
for me,
695
00:28:35,964 --> 00:28:37,799
but I would rather
never publish a magazine
696
00:28:37,882 --> 00:28:39,676
than capitulate
to someone's bad idea.
697
00:28:39,759 --> 00:28:41,678
- Well,
what if it isn't a bad idea?
698
00:28:41,761 --> 00:28:43,763
- Uh, a magazine full
of naked men?
699
00:28:43,847 --> 00:28:46,933
It is deeply,
inescapably just silly.
700
00:28:47,016 --> 00:28:49,894
- Will you look
in your Easter basket already?
701
00:28:49,978 --> 00:28:51,521
Yes.
Yeah.
702
00:28:51,604 --> 00:28:53,731
Open it up.
I bookmarked the page.
703
00:28:54,983 --> 00:28:57,444
- "At last,
a male nude centerfold."
704
00:28:57,527 --> 00:29:00,613
- It's television star
Burt Reynolds.
705
00:29:04,242 --> 00:29:07,078
- People like this?
- Joycie, it's a sensation.
706
00:29:10,039 --> 00:29:11,499
♪ ♪
707
00:29:11,583 --> 00:29:16,463
- ♪ Been 40 days
since I don't know when ♪
708
00:29:16,546 --> 00:29:19,924
♪ I just saw her
with my best friend ♪
709
00:29:20,008 --> 00:29:23,344
♪ Do you know what I mean? ♪
710
00:29:23,428 --> 00:29:26,264
♪ Do you know,
know what I mean? ♪
711
00:29:26,347 --> 00:29:28,057
- I am never gonna be able
to look at him the same.
712
00:29:29,893 --> 00:29:31,227
Joyce, come look at this.
713
00:29:31,311 --> 00:29:34,189
- It's just a body.
714
00:29:34,272 --> 00:29:36,149
- What you looking at, gals?
715
00:29:36,232 --> 00:29:39,444
- You should do this
for your girlfriend, Cory.
716
00:29:39,527 --> 00:29:41,321
Get her good and hot.
717
00:29:43,281 --> 00:29:45,450
- That's inappropriate
for the workplace.
718
00:29:51,748 --> 00:29:53,583
- Would you welcome
Burt Reynolds.
719
00:29:53,666 --> 00:29:54,876
- Hey, hey!
720
00:29:59,464 --> 00:30:01,257
Hi, John.
- Hello, Burt.
721
00:30:01,341 --> 00:30:03,968
I didn't recognize you
standing up.
722
00:30:17,524 --> 00:30:21,402
- ♪ Ooh!
Help me ♪
723
00:30:21,486 --> 00:30:28,159
♪ ♪
724
00:30:42,507 --> 00:30:44,133
- "Cat-Tastic."
725
00:30:44,217 --> 00:30:47,470
- Your street is lovely.
It's not where I pictured you.
726
00:30:47,554 --> 00:30:49,597
- Yeah, I always wanted
to live in a place like this
727
00:30:49,681 --> 00:30:51,975
when I was a kid, so now I do.
728
00:30:53,768 --> 00:30:55,270
- I, uh, assume
you've seen "Cosmo"?
729
00:30:55,353 --> 00:30:57,730
- The whole country's
seen "Cosmo."
730
00:31:00,441 --> 00:31:01,901
- It was a cheat.
731
00:31:01,985 --> 00:31:03,111
He was barely even naked,
732
00:31:03,194 --> 00:31:04,445
and women went crazy for it,
733
00:31:04,529 --> 00:31:06,364
just like you said they would.
734
00:31:06,447 --> 00:31:08,032
- Yep.
735
00:31:08,116 --> 00:31:09,951
- And it made me think
736
00:31:10,034 --> 00:31:14,789
that maybe we should give
this magazine another shot.
737
00:31:14,872 --> 00:31:17,417
I know that male erotica
is in the zeitgeist now,
738
00:31:17,500 --> 00:31:18,668
but we're still ahead
of the curve.
739
00:31:18,751 --> 00:31:19,711
We could be on the newsstands
740
00:31:19,794 --> 00:31:20,837
before anyone else.
741
00:31:20,920 --> 00:31:22,255
- Yeah.
You know, Joyce,
742
00:31:22,338 --> 00:31:24,841
here's the thing.
743
00:31:24,924 --> 00:31:26,759
I go to any one
of my magazines,
744
00:31:26,843 --> 00:31:29,637
and, well, people are dying
to hear what I have to say,
745
00:31:29,721 --> 00:31:33,474
but you act like I'm
some sort of a fucking clown
746
00:31:33,558 --> 00:31:35,893
until some fancy
Manhattan editor
747
00:31:35,977 --> 00:31:38,354
throws old Burt Reynolds
on a bearskin rug,
748
00:31:38,438 --> 00:31:42,275
and then I get
your stamp of approval, huh?
749
00:31:43,568 --> 00:31:46,529
- This magazine has been
a part of me for a long time,
750
00:31:46,613 --> 00:31:48,448
and I didn't realize
how hard it was gonna be
751
00:31:48,531 --> 00:31:49,949
to let it go out into the world
752
00:31:50,033 --> 00:31:53,411
and become this living,
breathing thing.
753
00:31:53,494 --> 00:31:56,748
I thought you were a tacky
salesman with a cheap gimmick.
754
00:31:56,831 --> 00:31:59,000
And you kind of are,
755
00:31:59,083 --> 00:32:02,503
but you do know something
that I'm just figuring out.
756
00:32:02,587 --> 00:32:05,923
That a magazine has--it's got
to make you feel something,
757
00:32:06,007 --> 00:32:08,593
and seeing a naked guy
does that to women,
758
00:32:08,676 --> 00:32:11,095
whether they are curious
or turned on
759
00:32:11,179 --> 00:32:12,513
or just want to laugh at him,
760
00:32:12,597 --> 00:32:14,557
it's the ability to look
761
00:32:14,641 --> 00:32:17,518
makes a woman feel powerful.
762
00:32:17,602 --> 00:32:20,146
That's what our magazine
is all about.
763
00:32:21,481 --> 00:32:24,525
Or, you know, it could be if...
764
00:32:24,609 --> 00:32:26,986
you give me one more chance.
765
00:32:29,405 --> 00:32:32,283
- I don't know, Joyce.
I'll have to, uh--
766
00:32:32,367 --> 00:32:34,911
I'll have to think about it.
767
00:32:34,994 --> 00:32:38,956
- All right, well, don't fart
up your ass for too long, Doug.
768
00:32:39,040 --> 00:32:42,418
I have a killer idea
for a centerfold.
769
00:32:44,128 --> 00:32:46,089
- Oh, yes.
770
00:32:46,172 --> 00:32:47,757
That's hot stuff right there.
771
00:32:47,840 --> 00:32:49,509
- Okay, ladies, I'm bored.
Give me more.
772
00:32:49,592 --> 00:32:51,427
Be dirty.
- Look over here, baby!
773
00:32:51,511 --> 00:32:53,888
- Hey!
Show us your dick!
774
00:32:53,971 --> 00:32:56,349
- Jeez.
Being a woman's intense.
775
00:32:56,432 --> 00:32:59,185
- Yeah!
- Give it to us.
776
00:32:59,268 --> 00:33:01,646
- Not bad, Joyce.
777
00:33:01,729 --> 00:33:04,524
- You know, I got to hand it
to you with this centerfold.
778
00:33:04,607 --> 00:33:06,401
You pulled a rabbit
out of a hat.
779
00:33:06,484 --> 00:33:09,237
- Thank you.
- You've come a long way fast.
780
00:33:09,320 --> 00:33:10,780
- Well,
781
00:33:10,863 --> 00:33:14,909
"Life shrinks or expands
in proportion to one's courage.
782
00:33:14,992 --> 00:33:18,913
Life is--"
- "Is a process of becoming."
783
00:33:18,996 --> 00:33:20,289
- You read the books?
784
00:33:20,373 --> 00:33:22,291
- You asked me to, so what?
I liked 'em.
785
00:33:22,375 --> 00:33:24,711
She's got a way with words,
that Anais Nin.
786
00:33:24,794 --> 00:33:27,255
- It's pronounced "Anays Neen."
787
00:33:27,338 --> 00:33:30,133
- Are you kidding me right now?
788
00:33:30,216 --> 00:33:33,094
- I don't know why I do it.
- Okay.
789
00:33:33,177 --> 00:33:35,346
All right, Joyce, big question.
- Yeah.
790
00:33:35,430 --> 00:33:37,265
- What are we gonna do
about a title?
791
00:33:37,348 --> 00:33:39,183
- What, of the magazine?
Nothing.
792
00:33:39,267 --> 00:33:40,852
What's wrong with
"The Matriarchy Awakens"?
793
00:33:40,935 --> 00:33:42,145
- It's poon poison.
- Gross.
794
00:33:42,228 --> 00:33:44,981
- Chicks hear it,
they dry right up.
795
00:33:45,064 --> 00:33:46,941
What we need
796
00:33:47,024 --> 00:33:50,945
is a wet pussy title.
797
00:33:51,028 --> 00:33:53,156
- A wet pussy title?
798
00:33:56,325 --> 00:33:57,744
♪ ♪
799
00:33:57,827 --> 00:34:01,289
- ♪ A goddess
on a mountain top ♪
800
00:34:01,372 --> 00:34:04,959
♪ Was burning
like a silver flame ♪
801
00:34:05,042 --> 00:34:08,796
♪ The summit
of beauty and love ♪
802
00:34:08,880 --> 00:34:12,842
♪ And Venus was her name ♪
803
00:34:12,925 --> 00:34:14,969
♪ She's got it ♪
804
00:34:15,052 --> 00:34:18,222
♪ Yeah, baby, she's got it ♪
805
00:34:19,849 --> 00:34:23,561
♪ Well, I'm your Venus,
I'm your fire ♪
806
00:34:23,644 --> 00:34:25,897
♪ At your desire ♪
807
00:34:27,315 --> 00:34:30,985
♪ Well, I'm your Venus,
I'm your fire ♪
808
00:34:31,068 --> 00:34:35,281
♪ At your desire ♪
809
00:34:38,493 --> 00:34:45,583
♪ ♪
810
00:34:49,587 --> 00:34:53,508
♪ Her weapons were
her crystal eyes ♪
811
00:34:53,591 --> 00:34:57,136
♪ Making every man mad ♪
812
00:34:57,220 --> 00:35:00,181
♪ Black as the dark night
she was ♪
813
00:35:00,264 --> 00:35:04,393
♪ Got what no one else had,
wow ♪
814
00:35:04,477 --> 00:35:06,854
♪ She's got it ♪
815
00:35:06,938 --> 00:35:10,191
♪ Yeah, baby, she's got it ♪
816
00:35:11,609 --> 00:35:15,363
♪ Well, I'm your Venus,
I'm your fire ♪
817
00:35:15,446 --> 00:35:17,657
♪ At your desire ♪
818
00:35:19,033 --> 00:35:22,745
♪ Well, I'm your Venus,
I'm your fire ♪
819
00:35:22,829 --> 00:35:25,081
♪ At your desire ♪
60069
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