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Previously on "You Me Her"...
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- So, this is happening.
- Listen to me.
3
00:00:04,144 --> 00:00:06,992
I just finished telling someone
that I was the complication.
4
00:00:06,994 --> 00:00:08,773
- What someone?
- Ruby.
5
00:00:08,775 --> 00:00:11,442
- Fuck this.
- [Door slams]
6
00:00:11,444 --> 00:00:12,822
- [Knock on door]
- Izzy: Jack left,
7
00:00:12,823 --> 00:00:14,559
and you said he never leaves.
8
00:00:14,561 --> 00:00:16,694
- Clomid time.
- You must really want a kid.
9
00:00:16,696 --> 00:00:18,284
Jack: Maybe I can thank you for real
10
00:00:18,286 --> 00:00:19,901
by taking you out to
dinner tomorrow night.
11
00:00:19,902 --> 00:00:21,845
I have no fucking clue
12
00:00:21,847 --> 00:00:23,704
what I want sexually
13
00:00:23,706 --> 00:00:24,973
or reproductively.
14
00:00:24,974 --> 00:00:27,489
- I'm falling for you.
- I have to get to class.
15
00:00:27,809 --> 00:00:30,222
I'm scared shitless. I can't sleep.
16
00:00:30,224 --> 00:00:31,914
Do you really think
that I'm rebound girl?
17
00:00:32,113 --> 00:00:34,466
Well, define rebound.
18
00:00:34,468 --> 00:00:37,261
Why don't you call
Weird Janis and her lover
19
00:00:37,263 --> 00:00:38,903
and find out the appropriate attire
20
00:00:38,905 --> 00:00:40,205
for this cleansing ceremony?
21
00:00:40,207 --> 00:00:41,705
Okay, fine... Mom.
22
00:00:41,707 --> 00:00:44,218
You do realize that you can't just
say "Weird Janis and her lover."
23
00:00:44,219 --> 00:00:46,382
Oh, it's some freaky
chick at his agency.
24
00:00:46,384 --> 00:00:48,473
Let me be excruciatingly clear.
25
00:00:48,627 --> 00:00:49,992
If you tell Lori about this,
26
00:00:49,994 --> 00:00:51,856
- I will...
- You'll break my legs?
27
00:00:51,858 --> 00:00:53,097
This'll make you feel better.
28
00:00:53,099 --> 00:00:55,709
Jack has a big, romantic dinner
29
00:00:55,711 --> 00:00:57,470
with an ex-girlfriend tonight?
30
00:00:57,472 --> 00:00:58,677
If you go on this date tonight
31
00:00:58,679 --> 00:01:01,131
instead of going to help Emma
survive the next two days,
32
00:01:01,133 --> 00:01:03,060
when she knows that I
came here to get you,
33
00:01:03,062 --> 00:01:04,187
there's no turning back.
34
00:01:04,189 --> 00:01:05,814
I know who he's with.
35
00:01:05,815 --> 00:01:06,882
Ruby.
36
00:01:21,030 --> 00:01:24,227
[Doorbell rings]
37
00:01:25,082 --> 00:01:26,398
Do you think it's Jack?
38
00:01:26,475 --> 00:01:27,969
He has a key.
39
00:01:27,970 --> 00:01:29,572
Right.
40
00:01:31,040 --> 00:01:32,793
Oh, God.
41
00:01:33,417 --> 00:01:35,471
- What?
- My parents could be early.
42
00:01:38,592 --> 00:01:41,317
Well, you're gonna have to
answer the door at some point, Em.
43
00:01:41,612 --> 00:01:43,347
We can do this.
44
00:01:43,707 --> 00:01:45,264
Yeah.
45
00:01:45,482 --> 00:01:47,588
Oh, what? You want me to hide?
46
00:01:49,625 --> 00:01:51,492
- [Doorbell rings]
- You want me to hide?
47
00:01:51,493 --> 00:01:53,166
Not so much hide. Just...
48
00:01:53,314 --> 00:01:55,083
... don't be seen.
49
00:01:55,294 --> 00:01:56,495
Like, stay up here.
50
00:01:56,565 --> 00:01:58,538
Sure. Awesome.
51
00:02:00,569 --> 00:02:02,097
Bring me some leftovers.
52
00:02:02,571 --> 00:02:04,439
[Ringing continues]
53
00:02:04,440 --> 00:02:06,041
[Sighs]
54
00:02:07,643 --> 00:02:09,510
Don't forget about me.
55
00:02:09,511 --> 00:02:11,246
Coming!
56
00:02:25,661 --> 00:02:27,262
Lose your key?
57
00:02:28,464 --> 00:02:30,065
Can I come in?
58
00:02:30,957 --> 00:02:33,802
Shit, yeah. Come on in. It's, uh...
59
00:02:34,308 --> 00:02:36,316
You don't need an invitation.
60
00:02:40,609 --> 00:02:41,963
So, uh...
61
00:02:49,481 --> 00:02:51,350
Did you really have a date?
62
00:02:53,214 --> 00:02:54,595
It wasn't a date.
63
00:02:54,797 --> 00:02:56,392
What was it?
64
00:02:58,860 --> 00:03:01,169
Something I decided not to do.
65
00:03:01,171 --> 00:03:03,087
[Scoffs]
66
00:03:03,089 --> 00:03:05,267
Well, I guess I should
be grateful, right?
67
00:03:05,269 --> 00:03:07,543
- I mean, at least you didn't...
- I love you.
68
00:03:14,058 --> 00:03:15,526
I love you.
69
00:03:17,346 --> 00:03:18,780
[Footsteps approaching]
70
00:03:18,914 --> 00:03:21,018
Yay! The other dickhead is back!
71
00:03:21,020 --> 00:03:22,889
[Chuckles]
72
00:03:27,994 --> 00:03:29,412
I could've done that, you know,
73
00:03:29,414 --> 00:03:31,551
'cause I am like a
motherfucking yoga ninja.
74
00:03:31,553 --> 00:03:33,555
[All chuckle]
75
00:03:33,862 --> 00:03:35,730
I don't know how other throuples do it
76
00:03:35,731 --> 00:03:37,237
without one of them always feeling
77
00:03:37,239 --> 00:03:39,375
like they were the odd human out.
78
00:03:39,735 --> 00:03:42,937
Is there a support group
for polyamory somewhere?
79
00:03:42,938 --> 00:03:44,991
Please, there's a support
group for dandruff sufferers.
80
00:03:44,992 --> 00:03:46,408
Did I hear that right?
81
00:03:46,410 --> 00:03:48,289
You wanna work this out?
82
00:03:50,946 --> 00:03:53,104
I should've come and gotten you.
83
00:03:53,613 --> 00:03:55,081
I never should've left.
84
00:03:55,395 --> 00:03:57,548
Emma's made me give up
everything worth living for.
85
00:03:57,550 --> 00:04:01,122
Uh, she means toxic levels
of booze, weed, and pizza.
86
00:04:01,124 --> 00:04:03,696
She's making me drink
this disgusting potion
87
00:04:03,698 --> 00:04:05,215
that's supposed to, like,
88
00:04:05,217 --> 00:04:07,015
cut the pot out of your fat cells,
89
00:04:07,017 --> 00:04:08,502
but, really, all it's
doing is just, like,
90
00:04:08,503 --> 00:04:10,505
destroying my entire digestive system.
91
00:04:10,545 --> 00:04:12,206
Oh, cry me a river
92
00:04:12,208 --> 00:04:14,921
with your brave and
harrowing cleanse journey.
93
00:04:14,923 --> 00:04:16,791
I...
94
00:04:16,793 --> 00:04:18,128
[Sighs]
95
00:04:18,446 --> 00:04:21,115
I die a little every second I'm at work.
96
00:04:21,622 --> 00:04:23,090
And with rent this high,
97
00:04:23,092 --> 00:04:24,776
I'm gonna have to
start my firm in a yurt,
98
00:04:24,778 --> 00:04:25,980
so I win.
99
00:04:26,081 --> 00:04:27,781
[Laughter]
100
00:04:28,128 --> 00:04:30,280
Guess we're all caught up now.
101
00:04:30,282 --> 00:04:31,326
Yeah.
102
00:04:32,027 --> 00:04:33,362
Um...
103
00:04:33,756 --> 00:04:35,558
except for Seattle?
104
00:04:37,619 --> 00:04:39,354
Is that a thing, Em?
105
00:04:39,356 --> 00:04:41,361
Yeah. Is it?
106
00:04:42,920 --> 00:04:44,255
No.
107
00:04:44,733 --> 00:04:46,602
Not anymore.
108
00:04:47,071 --> 00:04:48,590
How about we, uh,
109
00:04:48,599 --> 00:04:51,071
keep working on that
whole "fuck it out" thing?
110
00:04:51,073 --> 00:04:53,743
Yeah, "fucking it out" is a versatile
111
00:04:53,745 --> 00:04:56,477
and indispensable relationship salve.
112
00:04:56,478 --> 00:05:00,349
[♪]
113
00:05:02,884 --> 00:05:05,820
♪ There's no one that I love ♪
114
00:05:05,821 --> 00:05:09,023
♪ More than you ♪
115
00:05:09,024 --> 00:05:12,494
- ♪ And I'm still running wild ♪
- [Laughs]
116
00:05:14,763 --> 00:05:17,992
Jack: So, when does the Seaver
RV come and crash the party?
117
00:05:17,994 --> 00:05:19,708
Oh, shit.
118
00:05:20,565 --> 00:05:22,775
Oh, there's so much to do.
119
00:05:23,536 --> 00:05:25,930
Like what? The house is clean.
120
00:05:25,932 --> 00:05:27,211
Reeks horribly of pumpkin spice...
121
00:05:27,212 --> 00:05:30,010
Okay, can you give the fucking
candles a break already?
122
00:05:30,239 --> 00:05:32,493
Sorry. That was a little over the top.
123
00:05:33,074 --> 00:05:36,597
My parents make me a tad... psychotic.
124
00:05:39,888 --> 00:05:41,756
Speaking of your parents,
125
00:05:41,757 --> 00:05:43,892
what's the plan for this one right here?
126
00:05:44,026 --> 00:05:46,963
And we're back to referring
to me in the third person.
127
00:05:46,965 --> 00:05:48,033
Awesome.
128
00:05:48,043 --> 00:05:49,686
Guess what... "this one" is right here,
129
00:05:49,688 --> 00:05:52,101
and she has ears on
both sides of her head.
130
00:05:56,245 --> 00:05:59,047
I also hate it when you guys do
the married-forever telepathy thing
131
00:05:59,049 --> 00:06:00,442
so I don't know what's going on.
132
00:06:01,842 --> 00:06:03,338
Look at you.
133
00:06:03,892 --> 00:06:06,317
Right? Look at her.
134
00:06:07,487 --> 00:06:09,546
How do you wake up so pretty?
135
00:06:09,548 --> 00:06:11,143
I know.
136
00:06:11,453 --> 00:06:13,455
- It's truly amazing.
- Mm-hmm.
137
00:06:13,589 --> 00:06:15,190
What's happening?
138
00:06:17,926 --> 00:06:19,955
Okay, here's the dealio...
139
00:06:21,056 --> 00:06:22,238
You gotta leave.
140
00:06:22,240 --> 00:06:24,375
- What?
- Well done.
141
00:06:24,377 --> 00:06:25,609
So gentle.
142
00:06:25,611 --> 00:06:27,078
- It's true.
- What?!
143
00:06:27,080 --> 00:06:28,868
- Just...
- Wait. No, no, no, no, no.
144
00:06:28,870 --> 00:06:31,885
No, the keeper of the
goddamn throuple flame
145
00:06:31,887 --> 00:06:33,349
is the one that has to go?
146
00:06:33,351 --> 00:06:36,370
[Cellphones chime]
147
00:06:36,372 --> 00:06:37,428
Shit.
148
00:06:37,430 --> 00:06:39,451
Shit. Baby doc appointment.
149
00:06:39,453 --> 00:06:40,658
I completely spaced that.
150
00:06:40,660 --> 00:06:42,396
- 30 minutes.
- We gotta go.
151
00:06:42,505 --> 00:06:43,707
We can drop her off on the way.
152
00:06:43,708 --> 00:06:45,619
Okay, one more third-person reference,
153
00:06:45,621 --> 00:06:46,774
and I'm gonna fucking snap.
154
00:06:46,776 --> 00:06:48,089
Hey.
155
00:06:49,429 --> 00:06:51,393
You do understand the
fundamental principle
156
00:06:51,395 --> 00:06:52,672
of why I needed to get back here
157
00:06:52,673 --> 00:06:54,478
before Hal and Rita landed, right?
158
00:06:54,605 --> 00:06:55,992
Izzy, I'm sorry...
159
00:06:56,233 --> 00:06:59,053
but there's no version
of "normal suburban life"
160
00:06:59,055 --> 00:07:00,256
that includes you.
161
00:07:00,303 --> 00:07:02,573
Hal and Rita already think the
only reason we don't have a kid
162
00:07:02,574 --> 00:07:05,377
is that we're too weird and
we don't want one badly enough.
163
00:07:06,505 --> 00:07:08,107
[Sighs]
164
00:07:09,978 --> 00:07:13,716
Okay, so what does happen to me
165
00:07:14,004 --> 00:07:15,271
if you're pregnant?
166
00:07:16,346 --> 00:07:18,253
Is that where I get off?
167
00:07:18,504 --> 00:07:21,502
Because "there's no version
of normal suburban life
168
00:07:21,504 --> 00:07:23,027
that includes me"?
169
00:07:23,145 --> 00:07:24,347
- No.
- No.
170
00:07:24,349 --> 00:07:27,285
A baby doesn't change the three of us.
171
00:07:27,596 --> 00:07:29,237
Oh, do you promise that?
172
00:07:30,477 --> 00:07:32,212
Yeah. Promise.
173
00:07:32,351 --> 00:07:34,261
Izzy, we love you.
174
00:07:34,489 --> 00:07:37,024
And our baby would love you, too.
175
00:07:37,737 --> 00:07:40,499
Jack and Emma's baby in
Jack and Emma's house?
176
00:07:42,616 --> 00:07:43,909
It's fine.
177
00:07:44,074 --> 00:07:46,609
I'll stay at Nina's for a few nights.
178
00:07:46,610 --> 00:07:48,439
Right, it'll just be a few nights, so...
179
00:07:48,441 --> 00:07:51,052
Yeah. And then we'll come and
get you, and we'll bring you home.
180
00:07:51,054 --> 00:07:52,122
Okay.
181
00:07:52,124 --> 00:07:56,261
[♪]
182
00:07:57,251 --> 00:07:59,761
I think that went relatively well.
183
00:08:00,155 --> 00:08:01,811
I don't.
184
00:08:02,352 --> 00:08:06,223
[♪]
185
00:08:10,706 --> 00:08:12,841
So, that's... that's it?
186
00:08:13,722 --> 00:08:16,577
[Sighs] But we had so much sex.
187
00:08:16,578 --> 00:08:18,531
I'm very sorry.
188
00:08:18,533 --> 00:08:20,935
But, no, Emma, that's not "it."
189
00:08:20,985 --> 00:08:24,114
Fertility medication is
just one path to conception.
190
00:08:25,654 --> 00:08:27,172
Okay, so what would be next?
191
00:08:27,923 --> 00:08:29,519
Well, based on what we know,
192
00:08:29,521 --> 00:08:32,507
my professional recommendation
would be surrogacy.
193
00:08:34,716 --> 00:08:36,219
So it would still be our baby,
194
00:08:36,221 --> 00:08:38,198
but just in somebody else's womb?
195
00:08:38,200 --> 00:08:40,805
A carefully screened
but qualified surrogate
196
00:08:40,807 --> 00:08:42,676
from a reputable agency.
197
00:08:42,731 --> 00:08:43,933
All right, well, how do we start?
198
00:08:43,934 --> 00:08:47,141
Well, how about we start
with a conversation?
199
00:08:47,288 --> 00:08:49,875
- Well...
- A private conversation?
200
00:08:49,877 --> 00:08:51,078
I... I'm sorry.
201
00:08:51,080 --> 00:08:53,239
- I didn't mean to jump ahead.
- It's okay. It's okay.
202
00:08:53,241 --> 00:08:54,442
Take your time.
203
00:08:54,444 --> 00:08:56,216
Make sure you're both
on the same page...
204
00:08:56,218 --> 00:08:58,251
bringing a third person
into your relationship
205
00:08:58,253 --> 00:08:59,275
in such an intimate way
206
00:08:59,277 --> 00:09:01,946
can be emotionally
complex and challenging.
207
00:09:01,948 --> 00:09:03,442
You have no idea.
208
00:09:04,163 --> 00:09:05,764
[♪]
209
00:09:05,766 --> 00:09:08,481
So just barely
introduce the Vermouth,
210
00:09:08,483 --> 00:09:10,485
like wave it over the glass.
211
00:09:10,499 --> 00:09:14,102
Oh, and I'll take some of those
blue cheese olives you got there.
212
00:09:14,103 --> 00:09:15,176
Oh.
213
00:09:15,178 --> 00:09:16,341
Right... Chat later.
214
00:09:16,343 --> 00:09:18,850
- You going camping?
- Yeah, at your place.
215
00:09:18,852 --> 00:09:20,587
I'm the odd chick out again.
216
00:09:20,589 --> 00:09:22,602
I thought Jack was down and out,
217
00:09:22,604 --> 00:09:24,307
and Emma was going full
flannel in the Emerald City?
218
00:09:24,308 --> 00:09:25,642
Yeah, Jack's back.
219
00:09:25,644 --> 00:09:29,204
We got all schmaltzy, we
had crazy amazing makeup sex,
220
00:09:29,206 --> 00:09:30,784
but her parents are showing up tonight,
221
00:09:30,786 --> 00:09:34,389
so I'm in a time-out
so they can play normal
222
00:09:34,390 --> 00:09:36,005
for a couple days.
223
00:09:36,239 --> 00:09:37,458
Got it. Okay.
224
00:09:37,459 --> 00:09:39,328
Shot.
225
00:09:44,128 --> 00:09:45,949
[Sighs] God! I miss you...
226
00:09:45,951 --> 00:09:48,804
and downtown and binge
drinking... and you.
227
00:09:48,985 --> 00:09:52,124
You'd be welcomed back with
open arms, just say the word.
228
00:09:52,126 --> 00:09:54,976
Starting to worry that
it's not gonna be up to me.
229
00:09:55,238 --> 00:09:57,496
Another. Please.
230
00:09:58,838 --> 00:10:00,156
Hit me.
231
00:10:02,948 --> 00:10:04,016
What?!
232
00:10:06,555 --> 00:10:07,622
Talk to me.
233
00:10:07,623 --> 00:10:09,407
Think of me as your bartender.
234
00:10:09,409 --> 00:10:10,691
You are my bartender.
235
00:10:10,692 --> 00:10:12,561
Oh, yeah. [Chuckles]
236
00:10:12,694 --> 00:10:14,696
Okay, so what's going on?
237
00:10:14,830 --> 00:10:16,932
They're meeting with their baby doc.
238
00:10:18,178 --> 00:10:19,882
What if they're pregnant?
239
00:10:21,250 --> 00:10:22,795
Well, wouldn't they call you?
240
00:10:22,797 --> 00:10:23,819
Maybe not.
241
00:10:23,821 --> 00:10:26,320
Maybe they're too busy
trying to figure out
242
00:10:26,322 --> 00:10:29,258
how to spring the good
news on her parents.
243
00:10:29,364 --> 00:10:32,358
Okay, let's connect the dots here, Iz.
244
00:10:32,360 --> 00:10:35,798
You were legit bummed about not
being knocked up the other day.
245
00:10:36,287 --> 00:10:38,822
[Sighs] I don't know, man. It's...
246
00:10:40,238 --> 00:10:43,892
That baby would've
belonged to the three of us
247
00:10:44,219 --> 00:10:47,173
because he or she
248
00:10:47,232 --> 00:10:49,426
was conceived when we were all together.
249
00:10:50,466 --> 00:10:53,801
But this baby would be all theirs...
250
00:10:53,802 --> 00:10:56,576
something they started way before me.
251
00:10:57,897 --> 00:10:59,632
Shot.
252
00:11:03,212 --> 00:11:04,625
Give me that!
253
00:11:07,153 --> 00:11:10,756
Spill it, sista. Let it all out.
254
00:11:12,297 --> 00:11:15,449
It's just, maybe I'm just a...
255
00:11:15,975 --> 00:11:17,511
... kooky blip
256
00:11:17,693 --> 00:11:20,563
they gradually stop talking
about and pretend to forget.
257
00:11:27,209 --> 00:11:28,773
Are you supposed to do that?
258
00:11:28,775 --> 00:11:29,857
Nope!
259
00:11:32,359 --> 00:11:33,597
Okay.
260
00:11:33,976 --> 00:11:36,040
Here's my bartender wisdom...
261
00:11:38,162 --> 00:11:40,914
You need to find out if the
Griswolds are really in it
262
00:11:40,916 --> 00:11:42,884
before you waste any
more of your hot years.
263
00:11:42,886 --> 00:11:44,259
You know what I'm getting real sick of?
264
00:11:44,260 --> 00:11:45,633
Trying harder than the other two
265
00:11:45,635 --> 00:11:47,503
to make this relationship work.
266
00:11:47,505 --> 00:11:49,513
- Sorry, how was that?
- Oh, my God.
267
00:11:49,515 --> 00:11:51,458
What kind of relationship are you in?
268
00:11:51,460 --> 00:11:53,384
It doesn't matter. I got things to do.
269
00:11:53,386 --> 00:11:56,413
Yeah, you do, right after
you fix that dude a martini.
270
00:11:56,415 --> 00:11:58,113
Oh, no hurry... I just come here
271
00:11:58,115 --> 00:12:00,109
to sit in a really
uncomfortable chair and watch
272
00:12:00,364 --> 00:12:02,131
sports on my phone.
273
00:12:05,326 --> 00:12:07,120
So what do I do?
274
00:12:07,122 --> 00:12:08,991
You don't do anything.
275
00:12:09,264 --> 00:12:10,465
It's their move.
276
00:12:10,708 --> 00:12:12,479
I hope they have the common decency
277
00:12:12,481 --> 00:12:14,179
to be miserable without me.
278
00:12:14,181 --> 00:12:17,250
♪ You won't even need my name ♪
279
00:12:17,619 --> 00:12:20,822
♪ I'm here for you to bleed me dry ♪
280
00:12:20,824 --> 00:12:24,561
♪ You're gonna make
me feel so chic ♪
281
00:12:24,563 --> 00:12:27,909
♪ You're gonna leave
me high and dry ♪
282
00:12:27,911 --> 00:12:29,245
Hey.
283
00:12:29,765 --> 00:12:31,632
Thanks for this.
284
00:12:31,633 --> 00:12:33,307
I needed to think of anything
285
00:12:33,309 --> 00:12:35,771
other than my persistent infertility.
286
00:12:35,773 --> 00:12:39,243
[Chuckling] It's fine. I get it.
287
00:12:40,763 --> 00:12:42,765
Do you think we're making a mistake
288
00:12:42,767 --> 00:12:45,704
sending Izzy away every
time she's an inconvenience?
289
00:12:45,706 --> 00:12:48,509
I mean, we already
broke up with her twice.
290
00:12:48,766 --> 00:12:50,042
Yeah, but this is different.
291
00:12:50,044 --> 00:12:51,738
This is a...
292
00:12:52,175 --> 00:12:54,689
- three-day elaborate lie.
- Yeah.
293
00:12:54,837 --> 00:12:56,365
Which, to her, probably means
294
00:12:56,367 --> 00:12:58,769
that we're not sure
this is permanent, right?
295
00:12:59,839 --> 00:13:02,800
Which makes us the dickheads
that she keeps calling us.
296
00:13:03,273 --> 00:13:05,525
- Exactly.
- Okay, so what do we do?
297
00:13:05,527 --> 00:13:07,525
How do we explain her presence here?
298
00:13:09,058 --> 00:13:11,403
Housekeeper? Does she
know how to do accents?
299
00:13:11,405 --> 00:13:14,056
[Chuckles] Okay, that's
at least moderately racist.
300
00:13:14,058 --> 00:13:15,720
What? No. It's not racist at all.
301
00:13:15,722 --> 00:13:18,958
I didn't specify which accent, so...
302
00:13:18,960 --> 00:13:20,245
[Gasps]
303
00:13:20,247 --> 00:13:21,582
Ding, ding, ding.
304
00:13:21,950 --> 00:13:23,311
I have an idea,
305
00:13:23,313 --> 00:13:24,814
a brilliant idea
306
00:13:24,816 --> 00:13:26,816
that not only brings Izzy back
307
00:13:26,888 --> 00:13:29,825
but it makes my parents so
happy that I won't need to take
308
00:13:29,827 --> 00:13:32,199
all the pain killers I've
stored in the freezer.
309
00:13:32,201 --> 00:13:34,469
You have painkillers in the freezer?
310
00:13:35,030 --> 00:13:37,726
Um... now that you are
Notorious Orgy Girl,
311
00:13:37,728 --> 00:13:39,306
I'm gonna keep Andy safely locked away
312
00:13:39,308 --> 00:13:40,628
at his place for a couple nights.
313
00:13:40,643 --> 00:13:41,894
Excuse me.
314
00:13:41,896 --> 00:13:44,031
Hey, Michelle.
315
00:13:44,478 --> 00:13:46,136
I wasn't trying to eavesdrop...
316
00:13:46,138 --> 00:13:48,158
I'm not really "Notorious Orgy Girl."
317
00:13:48,160 --> 00:13:49,483
She was just joking.
318
00:13:49,485 --> 00:13:50,820
Don't care.
319
00:13:51,046 --> 00:13:53,043
So, when you said the name Andy,
320
00:13:53,045 --> 00:13:54,648
were you referring to Andy Cutler?
321
00:13:54,650 --> 00:13:56,519
I've seen you guys together, right?
322
00:13:57,097 --> 00:13:58,449
Yeah. So?
323
00:13:58,787 --> 00:14:01,989
Let me guess... things are
getting real serious real fast
324
00:14:01,990 --> 00:14:04,291
even though he just got
out of something else?
325
00:14:04,613 --> 00:14:06,349
Oh, well, maybe.
326
00:14:06,351 --> 00:14:08,486
Yeah, well, that's his thing.
327
00:14:08,488 --> 00:14:09,690
He's a love junkie.
328
00:14:10,362 --> 00:14:11,834
You know, the chase, the courtship,
329
00:14:11,836 --> 00:14:14,506
the dizzy, buzzy, fuzzy,
can't-get-enough stuff.
330
00:14:14,670 --> 00:14:17,605
Oh, my God. [Chuckles]
What, that's his shit?
331
00:14:17,606 --> 00:14:18,940
That's his shit.
332
00:14:19,074 --> 00:14:22,264
Dude's a serial monogamist,
doesn't break between steadies.
333
00:14:23,110 --> 00:14:25,698
It's firsthand Intel, woman to woman.
334
00:14:29,595 --> 00:14:32,938
Neen, Neen... that's
just her side of it.
335
00:14:32,940 --> 00:14:34,884
Yeah, except it fits
like a fucking glove.
336
00:14:35,891 --> 00:14:37,596
- [Cellphone chimes]
- What? What's that?
337
00:14:37,598 --> 00:14:38,672
It's nothing.
338
00:14:38,674 --> 00:14:40,136
- No.
- Stop.
339
00:14:40,938 --> 00:14:42,099
"Come home"?
340
00:14:42,101 --> 00:14:43,524
Fuck them.
341
00:14:43,658 --> 00:14:46,328
Okay, fuck them, fuck
Andy, fuck everyone.
342
00:14:46,330 --> 00:14:47,799
Let's just dump everybody
343
00:14:47,801 --> 00:14:50,737
and... and go back to
being you and me, okay?
344
00:14:50,739 --> 00:14:52,766
- "Izni."
- Izni?
345
00:14:52,768 --> 00:14:55,705
We have a couples name?
That's so dumb. I love it!
346
00:14:55,707 --> 00:14:57,575
I gotta get another tattoo.
347
00:14:57,577 --> 00:14:59,758
What do you mean another tattoo?
348
00:15:00,199 --> 00:15:01,534
[Sighs]
349
00:15:01,700 --> 00:15:03,761
Might as well just get this over with.
350
00:15:07,616 --> 00:15:09,321
I think you misspelled.
351
00:15:09,323 --> 00:15:11,913
No, it's not "edgy." It's E-J-I.
352
00:15:11,915 --> 00:15:14,312
Like Emma-Jack-Izzy?
353
00:15:14,314 --> 00:15:16,274
- My God.
- I know. It's so big.
354
00:15:16,276 --> 00:15:19,004
- It's so dumb.
- We were... we were really drunk.
355
00:15:19,616 --> 00:15:20,777
It's bad.
356
00:15:20,858 --> 00:15:22,060
[Sighs]
357
00:15:22,062 --> 00:15:23,726
So what should I do?
358
00:15:25,006 --> 00:15:26,973
Well, I think the answer's
right there on your ass.
359
00:15:26,974 --> 00:15:28,547
- [Chuckles]
- They made the move.
360
00:15:28,549 --> 00:15:30,131
Go home, dummy.
361
00:15:31,680 --> 00:15:32,880
Are you sure?
362
00:15:32,881 --> 00:15:34,591
Yeah.
363
00:15:35,885 --> 00:15:37,486
Okay.
364
00:15:37,912 --> 00:15:40,113
I'm being a total narcissistic douche
365
00:15:40,115 --> 00:15:43,023
for leaving you after that chick just...
366
00:15:43,024 --> 00:15:45,648
- I'm gonna stay 'cause...
- No. Go.
367
00:15:45,974 --> 00:15:47,308
Go.
368
00:15:47,571 --> 00:15:48,682
Seriously.
369
00:15:48,684 --> 00:15:49,886
I love you.
370
00:15:49,888 --> 00:15:51,756
I love you, too.
371
00:15:51,758 --> 00:15:53,702
[Sighs]
372
00:15:53,704 --> 00:15:56,641
[♪]
373
00:16:00,692 --> 00:16:02,300
"Serial monogamist."
374
00:16:02,302 --> 00:16:04,757
[Chuckling] Ouch, right?!
375
00:16:04,759 --> 00:16:08,629
[♪]
376
00:16:13,455 --> 00:16:16,524
Got milk, so Lucky Charms are a safe
377
00:16:16,525 --> 00:16:20,262
but dependably fulfilling option.
378
00:16:24,533 --> 00:16:27,423
Treasure found.
379
00:16:27,971 --> 00:16:30,106
Hot Pockets.
380
00:16:32,364 --> 00:16:34,366
Which ice cream pairs best?
381
00:16:34,368 --> 00:16:36,503
Salted Caramel.
382
00:16:36,505 --> 00:16:37,973
Duh.
383
00:16:41,617 --> 00:16:46,425
[Humming to the tune of "Hot Blooded"]
384
00:16:46,427 --> 00:16:48,423
♪ It's a ♪
385
00:16:48,690 --> 00:16:53,172
♪ Hot Pocket, nuke it and see ♪
386
00:16:53,174 --> 00:16:56,911
[Snorts, chuckles]
387
00:16:56,913 --> 00:16:58,381
Wow!
388
00:16:58,383 --> 00:17:00,165
That...
389
00:17:00,167 --> 00:17:02,969
That was... quite a performance.
390
00:17:05,507 --> 00:17:07,508
I thought that you were...
391
00:17:07,509 --> 00:17:08,705
Shh.
392
00:17:08,887 --> 00:17:09,946
Okay.
393
00:17:09,948 --> 00:17:11,838
You're obviously stoned.
394
00:17:11,840 --> 00:17:14,582
So who made this
moment possible for you?
395
00:17:14,583 --> 00:17:15,784
Hmm?
396
00:17:16,159 --> 00:17:19,922
You don't have a car. You
haven't left the house.
397
00:17:20,206 --> 00:17:23,242
And... be advised
398
00:17:23,244 --> 00:17:25,527
if I catch you lying to me,
399
00:17:25,716 --> 00:17:27,852
you will never set butt cheek
400
00:17:27,854 --> 00:17:30,024
in that lovely car of yours again.
401
00:17:31,948 --> 00:17:33,034
Oh.
402
00:17:33,094 --> 00:17:35,323
Did I mention I've found
you a ride to school
403
00:17:35,325 --> 00:17:37,672
so I'm no longer punishing myself?
404
00:17:37,673 --> 00:17:39,884
Missy Carrington.
405
00:17:40,903 --> 00:17:42,480
Missy Carrington?
406
00:17:42,482 --> 00:17:43,683
Mm-hmm.
407
00:17:43,716 --> 00:17:45,936
She smells like asparagus pee.
408
00:17:45,938 --> 00:17:47,952
Hold your breath. It's
only three semesters.
409
00:17:47,998 --> 00:17:50,651
It was Izzy. Izzy gave it to me.
410
00:17:55,403 --> 00:17:58,866
[Voice breaking] I'm definitely
getting my face eaten off.
411
00:18:01,099 --> 00:18:05,103
[♪]
412
00:18:05,105 --> 00:18:07,908
[Crickets chirping, owl hoots]
413
00:18:08,549 --> 00:18:11,258
Dave: Wow, Janis, this place is far out.
414
00:18:11,260 --> 00:18:12,462
Carmen: So to speak.
415
00:18:12,464 --> 00:18:15,156
Janis: Hashtag blessed
that you finally came.
416
00:18:15,920 --> 00:18:17,712
The mosquitos don't bother you out here?
417
00:18:17,713 --> 00:18:21,316
[Both laugh]
418
00:18:21,777 --> 00:18:23,318
- Hmm.
- Mm-hmm.
419
00:18:25,952 --> 00:18:29,191
- Oh.
- [Note plays]
420
00:18:30,526 --> 00:18:33,328
[Recorder plays]
421
00:18:40,103 --> 00:18:41,603
I'm a little scared right now.
422
00:18:41,605 --> 00:18:46,257
[Playing continues]
423
00:18:46,483 --> 00:18:49,635
[Whispering] We could
run. I want to run.
424
00:18:51,747 --> 00:18:54,008
Get it... you're our surrogate,
425
00:18:54,010 --> 00:18:56,579
all filled up with my
eggs and Jack's sperm.
426
00:18:56,581 --> 00:18:58,716
- It's brilliant.
- Right?
427
00:18:58,718 --> 00:19:00,646
And the very concept of grandchildren
428
00:19:00,648 --> 00:19:02,956
will surge so many endorphins
429
00:19:02,958 --> 00:19:04,500
to their sixty-something frontal lobes,
430
00:19:04,502 --> 00:19:06,090
they'll basically be
stoned the whole time.
431
00:19:06,091 --> 00:19:07,091
Mm-hmm.
432
00:19:07,134 --> 00:19:10,030
They'll forget all
about Mexicans and gays
433
00:19:10,032 --> 00:19:13,703
and the government's imminent
seizure of their guns.
434
00:19:14,008 --> 00:19:15,977
Iz? Izzy?
435
00:19:15,979 --> 00:19:17,074
[Sighs]
436
00:19:17,076 --> 00:19:18,364
Don't you like the plan?
437
00:19:18,749 --> 00:19:19,951
I have a question.
438
00:19:20,709 --> 00:19:22,043
As your surrogate,
439
00:19:22,044 --> 00:19:23,912
why would I be living
in your guest room?
440
00:19:24,050 --> 00:19:26,052
I'm pretty sure that
that's not the uzhe.
441
00:19:26,054 --> 00:19:27,648
Because you're uneducated and poor.
442
00:19:27,649 --> 00:19:29,233
Right! That's the
brilliance of the plan.
443
00:19:29,234 --> 00:19:30,984
Ohhhh, right.
444
00:19:30,986 --> 00:19:33,788
Okay, so I'm your
white-trash baby vessel.
445
00:19:33,789 --> 00:19:34,856
Loving it.
446
00:19:34,858 --> 00:19:36,725
So when you're done with my womb,
447
00:19:36,727 --> 00:19:39,322
do I just move back
into my trailer or... ?
448
00:19:39,324 --> 00:19:41,127
Okay, I hear you
saying you're loving it,
449
00:19:41,129 --> 00:19:42,644
but I don't feel you loving it.
450
00:19:42,646 --> 00:19:43,822
It's just make-believe.
451
00:19:43,824 --> 00:19:45,221
We came up with a way you could stay.
452
00:19:45,222 --> 00:19:46,663
I mean, what's... what's the problem?
453
00:19:46,665 --> 00:19:48,416
I guess when I read "Come home!,"
454
00:19:48,418 --> 00:19:50,441
I had this naively idealistic notion
455
00:19:50,443 --> 00:19:53,284
that we were gonna bravely
live our truth together.
456
00:19:53,286 --> 00:19:55,069
[Chuckles] What? With...
with my parents?
457
00:19:55,071 --> 00:19:57,277
With Hal and Rita? Yeah, no.
458
00:19:57,279 --> 00:19:59,814
Yeah, you haven't met them yet.
This is not a time for truth.
459
00:19:59,815 --> 00:20:01,601
So we're just gonna lie to them forever?
460
00:20:01,603 --> 00:20:03,893
Of course not. They'll die some day.
461
00:20:03,894 --> 00:20:05,894
Yeah. I mean they're not immortal.
462
00:20:05,896 --> 00:20:07,097
[Sighs] [Knock on door]
463
00:20:07,099 --> 00:20:08,434
Oh, man.
464
00:20:09,024 --> 00:20:11,593
Do I seriously have to
act stupid this whole time?
465
00:20:11,595 --> 00:20:13,172
- Yes.
- Yes.
466
00:20:13,174 --> 00:20:15,043
So fucked up.
467
00:20:16,275 --> 00:20:17,476
Hey.
468
00:20:17,522 --> 00:20:19,524
Is Izzy around?
469
00:20:19,889 --> 00:20:24,074
It's no biggie, just not
being an asshole or anything.
470
00:20:27,225 --> 00:20:30,028
[Wolf howls]
471
00:20:30,982 --> 00:20:32,313
So, Janis...
472
00:20:32,514 --> 00:20:34,362
why did I have the idea that
you two have been together
473
00:20:34,363 --> 00:20:35,430
for like 15 years?
474
00:20:35,432 --> 00:20:37,335
Caleb here would've been a toddler.
475
00:20:37,337 --> 00:20:40,140
In a way, we've been together forever,
476
00:20:40,142 --> 00:20:42,352
since before time.
477
00:20:44,260 --> 00:20:46,382
And what about in the other way?
478
00:20:46,905 --> 00:20:48,411
Roughly three weeks.
479
00:20:49,425 --> 00:20:50,699
Wow.
480
00:20:50,895 --> 00:20:52,952
'Cause I feel like you've been talking
481
00:20:52,954 --> 00:20:54,150
about having a, uh...
482
00:20:54,270 --> 00:20:55,737
a "lover"... is that right?
483
00:20:55,738 --> 00:20:57,473
since we started working together.
484
00:20:57,711 --> 00:20:59,535
Well, the names may change,
485
00:20:59,537 --> 00:21:02,029
but what they mean to me does not.
486
00:21:02,603 --> 00:21:03,746
Huh.
487
00:21:04,071 --> 00:21:05,614
So why do you think you're here?
488
00:21:05,885 --> 00:21:08,157
After all this time
deflecting my invitations?
489
00:21:08,159 --> 00:21:09,944
- Oh, no, it's not that.
- Oh, no deflecting.
490
00:21:09,946 --> 00:21:10,968
No, we just, you know...
491
00:21:10,969 --> 00:21:13,206
- we have very nutty...
- Busy lives.
492
00:21:13,208 --> 00:21:14,301
I mean, we have kids, right?
493
00:21:14,302 --> 00:21:16,290
- So it's constantly...
- Viruses and flus and...
494
00:21:16,292 --> 00:21:17,928
Abrasions and cuts.
495
00:21:17,930 --> 00:21:19,398
You're on a quest.
496
00:21:19,894 --> 00:21:22,296
You're looking for something, yes?
497
00:21:22,298 --> 00:21:23,364
Yes.
498
00:21:23,365 --> 00:21:25,500
[Laughing] Yes!
499
00:21:25,501 --> 00:21:27,422
I asked them, Caleb.
500
00:21:28,994 --> 00:21:32,370
Well, you know, I... I think we
have been looking for something.
501
00:21:33,242 --> 00:21:34,575
Something we lost.
502
00:21:34,576 --> 00:21:36,444
Somewhere along the line, we...
503
00:21:36,445 --> 00:21:38,135
we became...
504
00:21:38,856 --> 00:21:39,958
uncool.
505
00:21:39,960 --> 00:21:41,156
Ah!
506
00:21:41,575 --> 00:21:42,897
I see that.
507
00:21:43,118 --> 00:21:44,481
Yes.
508
00:21:45,692 --> 00:21:48,215
Janis: Not long ago,
I had another lover.
509
00:21:48,217 --> 00:21:51,308
She was a mustang, wild and wise.
510
00:21:52,194 --> 00:21:53,208
I miss her.
511
00:21:53,210 --> 00:21:55,456
But she wasn't literally a horse, right?
512
00:21:55,458 --> 00:21:56,923
Like, please tell me she wasn't.
513
00:21:56,925 --> 00:21:59,267
Can I ask you what is in
this? Because it is fantastic.
514
00:21:59,269 --> 00:22:00,335
I'm... I'm like...
515
00:22:00,336 --> 00:22:02,091
It is literally putting
me in a better mood.
516
00:22:02,093 --> 00:22:03,286
Is that possible?
517
00:22:03,539 --> 00:22:07,142
It's a rare Indian dish called beh!
518
00:22:07,551 --> 00:22:09,467
It's tofu, white beans,
519
00:22:09,468 --> 00:22:12,341
onion, ginger, coriander, turmeric,
520
00:22:12,343 --> 00:22:14,753
'shrooms, and a dash of Ayahuasca.
521
00:22:19,368 --> 00:22:20,436
Excuse me?
522
00:22:20,888 --> 00:22:22,223
What was that?
523
00:22:22,419 --> 00:22:23,763
[Loudly] Oh, it's a rare Indian dish...
524
00:22:23,764 --> 00:22:25,048
No, no, no, you don't
have to yell again.
525
00:22:25,049 --> 00:22:26,627
I just want to hear the
last two ingredients.
526
00:22:26,628 --> 00:22:29,298
'Shrooms and Ayahuasca.
527
00:22:29,431 --> 00:22:34,235
[Both laugh]
528
00:22:34,236 --> 00:22:35,703
Put the spoon in the bowl.
529
00:22:35,704 --> 00:22:39,308
Put the spoon in the bowl.
530
00:22:41,347 --> 00:22:42,347
You what?
531
00:22:42,417 --> 00:22:44,849
I... I would just like
to point out once again,
532
00:22:44,851 --> 00:22:47,582
that I'm not being an asshole.
533
00:22:47,583 --> 00:22:49,317
Everyone makes mistakes.
534
00:22:49,318 --> 00:22:50,518
For example,
535
00:22:50,519 --> 00:22:54,013
sometimes your neighbors
invite a young woman
536
00:22:54,015 --> 00:22:57,056
into their relationship who then goes on
537
00:22:57,058 --> 00:22:59,538
to teach your teenage
daughter to do drugs.
538
00:22:59,540 --> 00:23:02,752
Can we not say "drugs" like
I was tapping her veins?
539
00:23:02,754 --> 00:23:06,011
I gave her a little weed
after she begged and pleaded
540
00:23:06,013 --> 00:23:07,881
and swore she wouldn't tell.
541
00:23:08,166 --> 00:23:09,431
And come the fuck on.
542
00:23:09,433 --> 00:23:11,969
You don't actually believe
this was her first time.
543
00:23:11,971 --> 00:23:13,305
[Sighs]
544
00:23:13,307 --> 00:23:15,176
She's found my weed so many times
545
00:23:15,477 --> 00:23:16,748
I've run out of hiding places
546
00:23:16,750 --> 00:23:18,546
that don't require cavity searches.
547
00:23:18,547 --> 00:23:20,629
So you were insinuating that Izzy
548
00:23:20,631 --> 00:23:22,818
introduced Ava to drugs to what?
549
00:23:22,949 --> 00:23:24,684
Make this a bigger fucking deal?
550
00:23:24,686 --> 00:23:26,687
- Mnh-mnh.
- Jack: Oh.
551
00:23:26,688 --> 00:23:29,257
If it talks like an asshole
and walks like an asshole...
552
00:23:29,259 --> 00:23:32,043
Did you tell her that,
uh... you and I smoked pot
553
00:23:32,045 --> 00:23:34,561
on that porch two nights ago?
554
00:23:34,563 --> 00:23:37,291
Wha... You big, fat hypocrite!
555
00:23:37,293 --> 00:23:38,627
Okay. We...
556
00:23:38,629 --> 00:23:41,566
Do you remember when you
briefly had credibility?
557
00:23:41,768 --> 00:23:43,503
Do you miss it?
558
00:23:43,505 --> 00:23:45,374
Does it keep in touch?
559
00:23:45,376 --> 00:23:47,245
Hey, Izzy, still,
560
00:23:47,509 --> 00:23:49,777
you did give Lori
Matherfield's daughter pot.
561
00:23:49,778 --> 00:23:52,166
- Uh...
- Will there ever be a time
562
00:23:52,168 --> 00:23:55,117
you don't use my whole name
like extended profanity?
563
00:23:56,819 --> 00:23:58,281
Just for shits and giggles,
564
00:23:58,283 --> 00:24:00,114
maybe one time, you can
make an adult decision?
565
00:24:00,115 --> 00:24:01,760
Oh, you mean like calling an escort
566
00:24:01,762 --> 00:24:03,658
because your sex life's a snore?
567
00:24:03,659 --> 00:24:06,409
Or smoking pot with
your 14-year-old nephew?
568
00:24:06,410 --> 00:24:07,692
Oh, God.
569
00:24:07,693 --> 00:24:09,912
Yeah, and now we're
playing this big ruse
570
00:24:09,914 --> 00:24:11,532
that I'm their white-trash surrogate
571
00:24:11,533 --> 00:24:13,535
so I can stay while her parents visit.
572
00:24:13,738 --> 00:24:15,606
First, she's a hooker,
573
00:24:15,608 --> 00:24:18,807
then she's their niece,
then she's their sugar baby,
574
00:24:18,809 --> 00:24:20,645
and now she's the baby mama?
575
00:24:22,236 --> 00:24:23,906
You guys are fucking loony, man.
576
00:24:23,908 --> 00:24:24,975
[Chuckles]
577
00:24:24,977 --> 00:24:26,719
Okay, you little shit.
578
00:24:26,885 --> 00:24:29,130
Now you've narced me out
and called me a hooker,
579
00:24:29,132 --> 00:24:30,502
so I'm gonna give you an ass beating
580
00:24:30,503 --> 00:24:32,585
your mom should've given
you a long time ago.
581
00:24:32,587 --> 00:24:34,217
Big threats from such a little chick.
582
00:24:34,219 --> 00:24:35,421
- I'm not so little!
- Let's do this thing.
583
00:24:35,422 --> 00:24:37,176
- I'm ready.
- I'm gonna end you.
584
00:24:37,177 --> 00:24:38,307
You want to go?
585
00:24:38,309 --> 00:24:40,170
- Yeah, I'm ready to go.
- You think you're so tough?
586
00:24:40,171 --> 00:24:42,511
[Animals calling]
587
00:24:43,031 --> 00:24:45,697
Caleb: I feel so comfortable
with you two already.
588
00:24:45,699 --> 00:24:48,328
- [Farts]
- Oh, come on, Caleb. That is not okay.
589
00:24:48,330 --> 00:24:50,332
Janis: Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
590
00:24:50,517 --> 00:24:52,106
Dave go home.
591
00:24:52,108 --> 00:24:54,777
Shh.
592
00:24:55,656 --> 00:24:57,792
Ahhh.
593
00:24:58,316 --> 00:25:00,051
Stop. Stop.
594
00:25:00,053 --> 00:25:01,191
Stop!
595
00:25:03,365 --> 00:25:04,438
I hear something.
596
00:25:04,440 --> 00:25:05,923
[Car horn plays tune]
597
00:25:05,925 --> 00:25:06,993
Is that...
598
00:25:06,995 --> 00:25:08,196
It's Hal and Rita.
599
00:25:08,640 --> 00:25:10,234
Oh, God.
600
00:25:11,553 --> 00:25:16,491
[La Luz's " I Wanna Be
Alone (With You)" plays]
601
00:25:16,493 --> 00:25:21,057
♪ Nobody can tell me ♪
602
00:25:21,059 --> 00:25:23,995
♪ I can't do as I please ♪
603
00:25:24,384 --> 00:25:28,388
♪ I wanna be alone, o-o-oh ♪
604
00:25:28,390 --> 00:25:33,461
♪ Alone with you ♪
605
00:25:33,463 --> 00:25:37,601
♪ As we move into night ♪
606
00:25:37,753 --> 00:25:41,489
♪ Don't gotta be so shy ♪
607
00:25:41,490 --> 00:25:45,359
♪ I wanna be alone, o-o-oh ♪
608
00:25:45,360 --> 00:25:48,430
♪ Alone with you ♪
41839
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