All language subtitles for you.me.her.s02e06.720p.hdtv.hevc.x265.rmteam

Previously on "You Me Her"...

So, this is happening.

- Yeah, yeah. Izzy took Molly, and...
- It's awesome.

So now aphrodisiacs are
part of Chicks Night?

That's right. Come on.

I just finished telling someone
that I was the complication.

- What someone?
- Ruby.

Fuck this.

What the hell happened to you?

I've been staying at my brother's place.

Okay, this is unsettling.

Hi.

There's a perfect shit storm brewing.

So, please, I'm asking
you to come back with me.

I'm gonna ask you again.
Is that what Emma wants?

'Cause I haven't heard from her.

If you and the professor
chick had stayed together,

you would have three
kids and be the dean

of Hamilton High School right now,

instead of smoking away your
hangover with your nephew.

The dean is interested in hearing
your student-services pitch.

Maybe I can thank you for real by

taking you out to dinner tomorrow night.

Are you asking me on a date?

Clomid time.

You must really want a kid.

I must.

Yay. Right?

Were you hoping for something different?

Not when I bought them.

I am more profoundly fucked
in the head than I thought.

[♪]

- Cool, right?
- Mm.

Yeah, cool.

But, um, in a very
specific way, you know?

Can't... can't quite
put my finger on it.

Mm. Kind of a chick's place.

- Is that what you mean?
- Mm.

I'd say more of a
chicks-with-chicks place.

Oh, like you and me.

Yes. Exactly like you and me.

If we were a couple of lesbians

like everyone else in the place.

You think? Eh, I don't know. Maybe.

Probably. So, it's
popular with lesbians.

Actually, if you Yelp it... which,

you know, I did, and
I bet you did, too...

it doesn't say "Kombucha
bar popular with lesbians."

It says "Lesbian kombucha bar."

My review will say,

"One Tegan and Sara song away

from being the most
lesbian place on Earth."

Like a lesbian epicenter.

Which I guess would be a vagina.

Face it, Carm. This
room is a giant vagina.

What are you up to?

- Up to?
- Mm-hmm.

- I have no idea what you're talking about.
- Carmen.

Fine. This is... this is me being...

You know, cool with it.

Yeah, but this... this place
isn't polyamorous or bisexual.

It's, like, clearly for avowed lesbians.

Well, there weren't any bisexual

or polyamorous lunch places on Yelp.

Cut me some slack. I'm making an effort.

That's true. Thank you.

Izzy's not gay-gay.

I know that for sure.

Wait a second, but you're
not for sure about you?

Is that what you're saying?

It took a decade of
heteronormative marriage

and one sex fairy to figure out

that you're, like, gay-gay?

If I did that to Jack...

He wants a family.

He always has.

So does Izzy, as it turns out.

And you... do...

Too?

I'm so fucking scared, Carm.

I feel like...

I feel like I've just been, you know,

drifting along and playing along.

And then this alarm went off,

and I woke up in the middle of my life.

I have no fucking clue who I am or...

or what I want, like,

sexually, professionally...

or reproductively.

Damn.

Wow. You're gonna give
me a nervous breakdown.

You think I'm having
a nervous breakdown?

You think that I'm so
confused and guilt ridden

that I'm driving myself over the edge?

- Ah, you've wedged a lot of zany...
- [Mobile ringing]

Hairpin life turns into a
very short period of time.

- Maybe you're just dizzy.
- Ugh, fuck.

My mom.

Oh. Moms, man.

She senses you've been a bad girl.

Bet you get grounded.

- Hi, Mom.
- Hi, sweetie. It's your mother.

- Man: I'm on the phone, too.
- Oh, hey, Dad.

Oh, you guys figured out
speaker phone. Awesome.

Mother: ... gonna be in
your neck of the woods...

... weekend together.

Yeah. Yeah, no.

No, that sounds... that sounds fun.

Father: Great! Then
we'll be there Friday.

- Yes. Stupendous.
- Mother: We might not...

- "Stupendous."
- ... we'll give it a try.

Okay. Cool. Yeah, just
call me when you're close.

- Okay. Love you.
- Byzie-byzie.

Okay. Love you too.

Byzie-byzie.

Fuck me.

- You okay?
- No, I'm not okay.

Em?

Oh, God damn it.

Just grab a seat.

- All right.
- Oh, my God.

- Deep breaths.
- Okay, too mu... way too mu...

- Overload. Overload.
- Oh, okay.

You don't want that.

- Okay.
- My parents are coming to visit.

In an R.V. that gets, like,

five miles to the gallon, because...

Because fuck the environment.

Global warming's just a
conspiracy by "Big Green".

Oh, fuck me!

Yeah. Just dumped her.

Not taking it well.

[♪]

It's about time you got a job.

Good morning. Very funny.

Could you possibly take a break

- so that maybe we could talk?
- Neen, this place is a mess.

Apartments don't clean themselves.

Okay.

- No...
- First, this place isn't a mess.

That's you. Again.

And second, you don't live here.

Well, I paid my share
of the rent this month,

- so technically I do.
- Wait, wait.

Why... why am I fighting this?

By all means, drop by
and play cleaning lady

- whenever you flip your shit.
- Thank you.

There's also 10 pounds of dust.

- I ran out of spray.
- Unh.

That explains why I dreamt

that I was living in a giant lemon.

It's not like you were
scheming a baby trap, Iz.

For a hot second, you thought you
might be pregnant, and you weren't.

You might want to react to that

in some emotionally facile way

like a lot of other chicks would.

But you're not a lot of other chicks.

- You're you.
- All fucking day long.

What else?

Um...

Feels like this whole thing

just might crumble down, and

I'm gonna be dragging the rubble
behind me for the rest of my life.

Hey.

That's not fair.

If it falls apart, the
screws were already loose.

Yeah, I probably should have remembered

that the suburbs make my skin crawl

before I dove into
throuple cohabitation.

Okay. Back to the baby
that you aren't having.

Maybe you thought it
could be the magnet that,

you know, just, like, pulled
everything back together?

That sounds so weird and desperate

and not at all who I want to be.

Way down deep inside, we
are all weird and desperate.

[♪]

I love you so much.

Me too.

Are you still dead-solid certain
that you're in love with them?

Yeah, I am.

You can do the toilets next.

Thanks.

[♪]

Study after study has shown issues

ranging from body dysmorphia
to anxiety all improve

dramatically through counseling.

Through talk therapy.

That's why so many
colleges across the country

are investing in wellness centers.

And that's just a fancy
term for a one-stop shop

where adolescents can
get their shit together,

to be honest.

So that's what I am proposing here

is a Griffin College Wellness Center,

addressed and tailored to
the needs of your students.

So, thank you.

I appreciate you listening.

What is it about a guy
at the front of the room?

Doesn't even require a guitar
or ass-less chaps anymore.

Think they noticed me
intermittently peeing myself?

No. No. I did,

but I was already looking
in that general vicinity.

[Laughs]

God, I have no idea why I said that.

That was wildly inappropriate.

Ruby...

Great, now I freaked you out.

No.

Well, you know what, Jack?

I get nervous around you.

And I like it.

You give me butterflies right here.

Wow. I am kind of wishing

I hadn't say all that. But fuck it.

You were gonna figure
it out soon enough.

I... I totally understand
if you want to bail

on our totally platonic,
celebratory dinner.

Emma and I brought another
woman into our relationship.

Bam.

Now she's in our home.

- I did not see that coming.
- I know.

Neither did we. But it happened, and...

We were sleepwalking, you know?

And we brought this
other woman in, easy,

and she woke us up.

So now we're taking a long,
hard look at our lives,

for better or for worse, and...

I don't know what's gonna happen next.

But, um,

for now, maybe you and I are just...

friends with butterflies.

So, I'll see you tonight for
our definitely-not-a-date?

Absolutely.

[Chuckles] Okay.

♪ She said, she said, watch out ♪

♪ I'm gonna make you moan ♪

♪ Watchin', watchin' ♪

Wow. That's just a whole lot of wow.

Thanks so much, Kylie. I don't...
I don't even know what to say.

Yeah, I miss you, too.

Okay.

Bye.

Hey.

I, uh... I have something for you.

Dear God, what is that?

CCK cleanse. Remember?

You asked me to "hold you to it"?

I did.

CCK stands for cabbage,
cayenne, and kale.

And it's disgusting.

Mm.

That's legally poison.

Told ya. It's good for you.

So, what did Kylie say to give you

the glossy-eyed phone-gasm
that's happening?

Apparently, um,

everyone at Pinnacle
is "buzzing" about me.

- What?
- I'm buzzworthy.

That's amazing, Em.

Good for you.

It is such a prestigious firm.

They have so many cool
projects with real budgets,

do amazing things.

They take shits bigger
than Shepherd Monro.

So...

Just so we're on the same page,

are you still just crazy flattered,

or have you crossed into
seriously considering this?

I... I don't know.

Uh...

Have you talked to Jack?

Excuse me?

I'll talk to Jack
when he comes back home

and apologizes to both of us.

- Remember?
- Yeah...

Upon deeper reflection,

is that really fair?

Is it fair?

Are you fucking kidding me?

He told half the town I'm gay.

He had an emotional affair
with his ex-girlfriend.

He left us... both of us.

Is it fucking fair?

Well, I'm pretty sure that
he sees things differently.

You saw him.

No.

Deny it.

I just did.

Well, then, what, do you speculate,

would be his different take on things?

- Off the top of my head?
- Mm-hmm.

Maybe he'd say that
we're less a throuple.

And more a lesbian couple
with a dude hovering

around the perimeter not taking a hint.

Hmm. But that's...

that's pure speculation.

Jesus, just blink already.

It doesn't mean that you lost.

This isn't a fucking game, Emma.

Okay. Izzy, I'm sorry.

At least I care.

Hey, I care.

I care.

I care.

Don't be mad, okay?

I did see Jack.

Well, yeah. You're a terrible liar.

I get that a lot.

I tried to convince him to come back.

Clearly it didn't work,
which is humiliating.

And now I'm afraid that you're
both gonna leave me alone

with lots of spare time to hate myself.

You went to go get him,

bring him home, and he...

... he refused?

This one an orange?

She's got a real eye.
I'm noticing she likes...

I don't think he's
ever coming home, Carm.

Like, ever.

- Okay, uh...
- Where the fuck is your wine?

It's ju... it's on the
counter. Right there.

Hon, why don't you take the
kids up to bed now, okay?

- Oh. Hi.
- Yeah, okay.

They just had a nap a half hour ago,

but, sure, kids are stupid, right?

- Yeah.
- Let's go.

Come on, baby. Grab
your crayons. Come on.

- Why don't I take a book with me? Come on.
- She's got a headstart.

Here we go. Yeah, she's way ahead of me.

Won that race.

Days of thunder.

- Good night.
- Okay.

He hasn't called or texted, and...

and he wouldn't come home even
when Izzy went to go get him.

I think it's over, Carm.
Like... like for real.

I think we're done. We're done.

Why wasn't it you going
to Gabe's house, Em?

Because I wasn't the one who left!

- Have you tried calling him?
- Oh, my God.

You sound like Izzy. Okay.

Once more, I am not the one
who had the emotional affair.

- I am not the one who...
- Hey, I know I'm probably, uh,

risking some peril wading in here,

but, um, I just got to ask one question.

What the fuck is wrong
with you Trakarskys?

Whoa. Okay. There's the peril.

I see it. I'm out.

Let me put it a little more delicately.

What the fuck is wrong
with you Trakarskys?

Izzy and I had a firm agreement

that Jack has to come
crawling back on his hands

and knees and grovel for forgiveness.

Is that followed by
the ritual castration,

head shaving, and walk of shame?

You might want to consider
morable terms for his surrender.

You know, unless you're crafting
a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You know, to me, it sounds like

the sex fairy is the only one

really trying to keep
this whole thing together.

You know what, just back
the fuck off, Dave, okay?

Geez.

I'm sorry.

I didn't feel it coming.
I just kind of heard it

at the same time as you guys.

- Okay.
- Hey, hon?

How 'bout you go upstairs
now, huh? Like all the way?

What, are you sending me to my room?

Why don't you call
Weird Janis and her lover

and find out the appropriate attire

for this cleansing ceremony?

Or hors d'Å"uvres and eagle release.

Whatever it is. Go.

Okay, fine.

Mom. Ugh!

Oh and if it has anything
to do with my butt,

it's a hard pass!

I'll give you a hard pass!

Um... What was I talking about?

Okay, you do realize that you can't

just say "Weird Janis and her lover"

and then jump back in
conversation, right?

Oh, it's some freaky
chick at his agency.

She's been trying to get us

to go up to her place
in the woods for years.

We're finally going tomorrow night,

and I have this irrational fear we'll
spend the rest of our lives as captives

tending to our marijuana
and radish gardens.

So, what's the plan with Hal and Rita?

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit. My parents tomorrow.

Oh, my God.

Oh, I think I've been
suppressing that whole thing

so my head doesn't
spontaneously explode.

Oh, fuck.

But you do have a plan, right?

Because they may be old,
but they're gonna notice

if there's a chick sleeping
where Jack's supposed to be.

I tried to go upstairs. I really did.

But your situation is so...

compelling and fucked up,

that I physically couldn't stay away.

You need to call your
husband, Mrs. Trakarsky,

and you need to tell him to
get his ass back to your house

so he can help you hoodwink
your hyper-conservative parents.

And then you need to get this sex fairy

the fuck out of Dodge for a few days.

Okay, there is no
version of this universe

in which I call Jack
and ask for his help.

- No fucking way.
- Okay, fine.

- Then Dave will just go get him.
- Yeah.

Then I will just have
to go... wh... what?

Don't make me get the fly swatter.

- Up.
- Honey...

Why would you get... ?

You know what, I don't
even want to know,

'cause there is no room in here.

All right.

So...

This is what we've got to work with.

This is what we have to work with, yes.

- You guys are not helping.
- What's the venue?

It's an Italian place she picked out.

It's called, uh, "Ask For Luigi"?

Ooh! No, that's definitely
a date restaurant.

Mm. Pretty much every
chick that goes there

comes out with a baby bump and a ring.

That's not what's happening here.

You do know anxiety
restricts your blood flow?

I'm sure Gabe here can
hook you up with some

of his extra-strength
Viagra for chronic impotence.

Oh, please, you waifish preemie.

Everyone knows that the
active ingredient in Viagra

is my superhuman
testosterone. It's magic.

Did you actually just call
your son a "waifish preemie"?

Don't worry, I hear
like 4% of what he says.

Everything else just sounds like a
dying water buffalo stuck in a tar pit.

Please tell me that's the reject pile.

Okay, you know what? That's it.

- I don't need this.
- No, no, no.

I may be a jock, but I knows ma clothes.

Okay, Gabriel, I need you to get me
that thrift-store plaid sports jacket.

And, Dad, I need you to get
me the only cool tie you own,

the one that you think is too skinny.

Oh, and grab your tie clip. Go!

- Jack?
- Yes?

You know that rambly
fast-talk thing you do?

Yeah, it's pretty charming...

No, it's annoying as shit. Don't do it.

I don't think that's the consensus.

Both: Uh, yeah, it is.

Yeah, I got to go with
the girls on this on.

You just talk sparingly, and
you never break eye contact.

Like dragon eyes. Zzzz.

Uh, conversely, that sounds a bit rape-y.

Worked on you.

Uncle Jack, you okay?

You know what, I don't even do

the rambly thing anymore, okay?

And, sorry, but I'm gonna
wear whatever the fuck I want.

- Is that the jacket?
- Yeah.

It's lovely. Can I...

Yeah.

[♪]

It's pretty great.

Sketch much?

You stalking me now?

I'm grounded.

If I have to watch one more
reality show about drunk,

forty-something rich chicks,

I'll will myself to
have a deadly aneurysm.

Aw, that's super sad.
Now go the fuck away.

So, why are you hiding out
like a teenager to smoke weed?

Well, I was enjoying the solitude.

- You're hiding.
- I'm taking some me time.

In a shed?

Fine.

Emma has me on a torture cleanse.

Says I smoke too much pot,

which, given my
thrice-a-day habit, is...

... an objective fact.

But at this point,

I don't think I can last
another second in suburgatory

without the help of marijuana.

- Are you happy now?
- We have a lot in common.

No.

[Clears throat]

So?

Let's do this thing.

Ava, I'm not getting you high.

Well, if you don't share, I'll tell Emma

that you were sneaking out back to...

No. Stop.

Don't do that anymore.

I'm not Lori.

Who are you talking to?

Come on. Please.

Just... just this once?
I swear I won't tell.

Just this once.

Actually, you know what, this
feels like one of those sober,

second-thought opportunities

that mark the end of
cerebral adolescence, so I...

Let me be excruciatingly clear.

If you tell Lori about this,

- I will...
- You'll break my legs?

Eat my face and puke
in my exposed skull?

Yep. Legit would do all
those things, and worse.

You know, this'll make you feel better.

Apparently Jack got high
with his nephew Gabriel,

and he's just a freshman.

How would you know that?

Well, Gabriel told his sister Marina,

who told Bailey Meyer, who told me,

so I Facebooked Gabriel
and he says it's true.

They're, like, best buds now.

Jack tells him everything.

Really?

Like what?

Give me something.

You mean something like...

Jack has a big, romantic dinner

with an ex-girlfriend tonight?

Hey! Not the weed!

Just helping you with your cleanse.

Unh!

- Hey.
- Hi.

What were you doing in the backyard?

Um, I was taking a walk in the woods.

Clear my head.

To get high?

Done with the cleanse already?

I don't even have any.

Well, good for you.

Yep.

Are you expecting someone?

Not really.

- Oh, hey, Dave.
- Hey.

Who would never show up
at my house unannounced.

- Hm.
- Unless he was on a mission.

Probably under orders from his wife.

It's nothing like that. I
was just in the neighborhood.

Oh, yeah, it's gated. That's weird.

- Who are you seeing?
- The Rutherfords.

Todd and...

Muffy?

- Can I talk to Jack, please?
- No.

- Excuse me?
- Yeah, you heard me. No.

Look, I know you're here to stop him

from going on his date

with an actual
heterosexual woman, so no.

Jack has a date already?

Yeah. He's not calling it that,

but everybody else knows what it is.

Okay, so you're just actively trying

to break up Jack and Emma's marriage?

Yeah, and you're here to
actively delay the inevitable.

I just want to borrow him for a few days

so they can play the happy
couple for Emma's parents.

You know, it seems to me
that Emma's made her bed.

Now she's got to sleep in
it. With a young, hot woman.

In front of her horrified parents.

What is your stake in this?

Why won't you just let
me talk to my friend?

'Cause I love my brother, okay?

And she broke him.

- Dave?
- Hey.

What's going on? What
are you doing here?

Emma's parents are coming to town.

- What? When?
- Like, tomorrow.

- Oh.
- You know what you have to do, right?

You're the one who said that she learned

how to re-ride that bike.

- Is the bike a...
- It's a vagina.

- Vagina.
- All right? Listen to me.

If you go on this date tonight

instead of going to help Emma
survive the next two days,

when she knows that I
came here to get you...

There's no turning back.

That's it. It's over.

[Man singing opera]

Oh, no, no, no. I didn't...

On me.

May I make a suggestion?

Don't show up 10 minutes
early like a complete dork?

Knock that back and take
a walk around the block.

I'll reset the table.

Let him wait a little.

I like the way you think.

I still believe in this.

In the three of us.

I know we've all made mistakes.

A lot.

A lot, a lot,

over an insanely short period of time.

But...

We can fix this.

We can put it back together.

Doesn't seem like he wants to.

What do you mean?

Dave went to go get him
and bring him back home.

Save me from my parents' scorn.

But that's not looking good.

What?

I know who he's with.

♪ Unh-unh, up in the hood ♪

♪ I swear they look good,
we don't need to leave ♪

♪ Got no one to please ♪

Ruby.

Hey.

Hi.

♪ I'll love you more
the lower we go ♪

♪ Sixty below, feel it and flow ♪

♪ The boom, the bust,
my heart beats small ♪

♪ Heart, heart, heart, heart, heart ♪

♪ We've gone down unafraid ♪

♪ Going up and down on the floor ♪

♪ Up-down, up-down, up-down, up-down ♪

♪ To burn and kick down that door ♪

♪ Going deeper than ever before ♪

♪ Up-down, up-down, up-down, up-down ♪

♪ Go 'head, now, go 'head, now ♪

♪ Go 'head now, and blow the bass ♪