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Scientific rivalries
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are a fact of life.
3
00:00:03,227 --> 00:00:05,625
When two competing scientists
work on a project,
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00:00:05,890 --> 00:00:08,666
it can devolve into
an intellectual boxing match.
5
00:00:08,759 --> 00:00:11,053
Over the years, there's been
a few classic heavyweight bouts.
6
00:00:11,053 --> 00:00:13,222
Newton and Leibniz.
7
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Tesla and Edison.
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00:00:15,168 --> 00:00:18,560
And in a lesser-known
but equally brutal bout...
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00:00:18,560 --> 00:00:21,187
Linkletter versus Sturgis,
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00:00:21,187 --> 00:00:23,481
The Tussle with No Muscle.
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00:00:23,481 --> 00:00:25,901
Let's see how they stack up
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in a tale of the tape.
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In the wire frame glasses,
the Eureka from Topeka,
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00:00:31,907 --> 00:00:34,367
Grant Linkletter.
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00:00:35,619 --> 00:00:37,913
159.
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Papers published: 272.
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Bedtime: 8:30.
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And his opponent,
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in his favorite sensible shoes,
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The Brain from Maine,
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John Burgess Sturgis!
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162.
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00:00:56,765 --> 00:00:59,476
Papers published: 221.
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Bedtime: 7:45 on weekdays,
25
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9:00 on Saturday night.
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Fasten your thinking caps
and let's get it on.
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The free-streaming length
of the axion is too long.
28
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It'll erase the fluctuations.
29
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You're completely forgetting
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that it is nonrelativistic
dark matter.
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You'll never have the resolution
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00:01:19,496 --> 00:01:21,331
to see microkelvin features.
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I think your brain is as smooth
as the top of your head.
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Low blow, Grant.
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He's right, gentlemen,
let's keep it to science.
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You'll never have the resolution
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00:01:31,132 --> 00:01:33,134
to see microkelvin features.
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00:01:33,134 --> 00:01:36,096
♪ Nobody else
is stronger than I am ♪
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♪ Yesterday I moved a mountain ♪
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♪ I bet I could be your hero ♪
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♪ I am a mighty little man ♪
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♪ I am a mighty little man. ♪
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I cannot work with that creepy
little know-it-all one more day.
44
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I-I'm sorry, but are we talking
about Sheldon or Sturgis?
45
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Sturgis.
Well, both, but mostly Sturgis.
46
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He's not interested
in anyone else's input.
47
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I-I'm sorry,
Sheldon or Linkletter?
48
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Linkletter.
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00:02:10,890 --> 00:02:13,268
Ah, got it. Continue.
50
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Well?
51
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But I thought you wanted
52
00:02:15,562 --> 00:02:17,605
Dr. Sturgis on this project.
53
00:02:17,605 --> 00:02:19,983
I'll admit John
has been useful, but now
54
00:02:19,983 --> 00:02:21,651
he's just slowing us down.
55
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Well, he keeps Sheldon happy,
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00:02:23,653 --> 00:02:26,447
and when Sheldon's happy,
he's not in this office.
57
00:02:26,447 --> 00:02:29,033
Well, but when he's not in
your office, he's in my office.
58
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Eh, "dem's da breaks."
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I was brought in to help
60
00:02:32,787 --> 00:02:35,623
but Dr. Linkletter
doesn't value my input.
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00:02:35,623 --> 00:02:38,626
Oh, I hear you.
That must be tough.
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00:02:38,626 --> 00:02:42,255
Ever since he was brought back,
he contradicts everything I say.
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00:02:42,255 --> 00:02:45,216
I hear you. That must be tough.
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00:02:45,216 --> 00:02:46,968
There was a time when
their arguing brought out
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00:02:46,968 --> 00:02:49,220
the best in them, but now
it's just hindering our work.
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00:02:49,220 --> 00:02:51,389
I hear you. That must be tough.
67
00:02:51,389 --> 00:02:52,765
Thank you for understanding.
68
00:02:52,765 --> 00:02:55,059
And between us,
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00:02:55,059 --> 00:02:58,146
I am counting on you
being in charge.
70
00:02:58,146 --> 00:02:59,522
Excellent.
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00:02:59,522 --> 00:03:01,900
You're the alpha dog
on this project.
72
00:03:01,900 --> 00:03:03,318
Very good.
73
00:03:03,318 --> 00:03:05,737
But shouldn't we tell everyone?
74
00:03:05,737 --> 00:03:08,948
Oh, no, no, no, no. I can't
be seen as playing favorites.
75
00:03:08,948 --> 00:03:12,827
But what's important
is that I know and you know.
76
00:03:12,827 --> 00:03:13,828
Smart.
77
00:03:13,828 --> 00:03:14,996
But not as smart as you.
78
00:03:14,996 --> 00:03:16,581
Oh.
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00:03:16,581 --> 00:03:19,709
Which is why, uh,
just between us,
80
00:03:19,709 --> 00:03:23,504
I am counting on you to keep
the train on the tracks.
81
00:03:23,504 --> 00:03:25,340
Well, I appreciate
the vote of confidence.
82
00:03:25,340 --> 00:03:27,508
And the sweet train metaphor.
Well, good.
83
00:03:27,508 --> 00:03:29,427
You know, I just
want you to be happy.
84
00:03:29,427 --> 00:03:31,971
I guess in a way I'm kind
of like the son you never had.
85
00:03:31,971 --> 00:03:33,598
Sure.
86
00:03:33,598 --> 00:03:34,724
Which is nice,
because you're far too old
87
00:03:34,724 --> 00:03:36,100
to have children now.
88
00:03:37,560 --> 00:03:39,520
And you make me feel okay
about that.
89
00:03:40,292 --> 00:03:41,022
Wait.
90
00:03:42,982 --> 00:03:45,318
$20 on pump four, please.
91
00:03:45,318 --> 00:03:47,153
You got it.
92
00:03:48,112 --> 00:03:49,364
Here you go.
93
00:03:50,782 --> 00:03:51,950
What's this?
94
00:03:51,950 --> 00:03:53,493
Promotion for the new lottery.
95
00:03:53,493 --> 00:03:55,453
Every ten gallons,
you get a free scratcher.
96
00:03:55,453 --> 00:03:57,497
Oh, I don't believe in gambling.
97
00:03:57,497 --> 00:03:58,581
Great, I'll take it.
98
00:03:58,581 --> 00:03:59,707
Oh, I don't believe
99
00:03:59,707 --> 00:04:00,833
you should be gambling, either.
100
00:04:00,833 --> 00:04:02,043
So, you don't want it?
101
00:04:02,043 --> 00:04:03,795
No.
Then I'm scratching it.
102
00:04:03,795 --> 00:04:06,255
Sorry. Not on my watch.
103
00:04:07,465 --> 00:04:09,342
You can thank me in heaven.
104
00:04:14,055 --> 00:04:15,765
What's this formula?
105
00:04:15,765 --> 00:04:17,475
This wasn't here yesterday.
106
00:04:17,475 --> 00:04:19,727
Dr. Linkletter added it
after you left.
107
00:04:19,727 --> 00:04:21,479
Was he trying to be funny?
108
00:04:21,479 --> 00:04:24,149
He was giggling
at your "feebleminded math."
109
00:04:24,149 --> 00:04:25,275
His words.
110
00:04:25,275 --> 00:04:26,902
He's trying to approximate
111
00:04:26,902 --> 00:04:29,655
the cosmic background radiation
by setting it
112
00:04:29,655 --> 00:04:35,077
at one Rydberg over Z,
and my math is feebleminded?
113
00:04:38,038 --> 00:04:39,415
What do you think you're doing?
114
00:04:39,415 --> 00:04:41,959
I'm changing the estimate
115
00:04:41,959 --> 00:04:45,045
to Robert Dicke's value
of 45 kelvin.
116
00:04:45,045 --> 00:04:47,715
I wasn't here the last time
he went off his rocker.
117
00:04:47,715 --> 00:04:49,216
Is this what it looked like?
118
00:04:49,216 --> 00:04:51,760
I'm perfectly sane,
and I'm telling you,
119
00:04:51,760 --> 00:04:54,346
Dicke's estimate
is the way to go.
120
00:04:54,346 --> 00:04:55,806
And I'm telling you
we need to use
121
00:04:55,806 --> 00:04:58,267
one Rydberg over Z,
and that is final.
122
00:04:58,267 --> 00:05:01,937
Oh, is it, you albino beanpole?
123
00:05:01,937 --> 00:05:03,063
Dr. Sturgis.
124
00:05:03,063 --> 00:05:06,066
He impugned my mental stability.
125
00:05:06,066 --> 00:05:08,610
Fair enough. Your insult stands.
126
00:05:08,610 --> 00:05:10,988
Thank you. Beanpole.
127
00:05:24,877 --> 00:05:26,128
Ooh.
128
00:05:28,047 --> 00:05:29,214
Oh, man.
129
00:05:29,214 --> 00:05:31,216
God, I swear I'll never ask
130
00:05:31,216 --> 00:05:33,761
for anything again,
just one more 500.
131
00:05:33,761 --> 00:05:35,471
Thank you.
132
00:05:35,471 --> 00:05:37,598
Melissa Cooper,
what are you doing with that?
133
00:05:37,598 --> 00:05:39,308
I found it.
134
00:05:39,308 --> 00:05:42,019
Well, it is mine, and
I threw it away for a reason.
135
00:05:42,019 --> 00:05:44,938
It's mine now,
and I might win 500 bucks.
136
00:05:44,938 --> 00:05:46,982
Oh, no, you won't.
137
00:05:46,982 --> 00:05:48,484
I'll split it with you. No.
138
00:05:48,484 --> 00:05:50,110
Why are you being so lame?
139
00:05:50,110 --> 00:05:52,112
Because money
does not buy happiness.
140
00:05:52,112 --> 00:05:55,407
Fresh Prince seems pretty happy.
141
00:05:55,407 --> 00:05:57,493
It is not his money,
it's his Uncle Phil's!
142
00:06:20,474 --> 00:06:22,476
Half of that's mine.
I prayed for it.
143
00:06:22,476 --> 00:06:23,685
Go to your room.
144
00:06:25,687 --> 00:06:28,107
You're wasting valuable time.
145
00:06:28,107 --> 00:06:29,525
I'm not, you are.
146
00:06:29,525 --> 00:06:30,734
Gentlemen,
if we could please keep
147
00:06:30,734 --> 00:06:32,194
this train on the tracks...
148
00:06:32,194 --> 00:06:33,779
We'll be on track
if we follow my plan,
149
00:06:33,779 --> 00:06:35,572
so I'm afraid I'm going
to have to insist.
150
00:06:35,572 --> 00:06:36,907
Insist?
151
00:06:36,907 --> 00:06:38,659
You're not the alpha dog
around here.
152
00:06:38,659 --> 00:06:39,743
I agree.
153
00:06:39,743 --> 00:06:41,328
This may be hard for both of you
154
00:06:41,328 --> 00:06:44,373
to hear, but President Hagemeyer
put me in charge.
155
00:06:44,373 --> 00:06:46,583
I know for a fact
that isn't true,
156
00:06:46,583 --> 00:06:49,086
because she put me in charge.
157
00:06:50,465 --> 00:06:52,005
We may have a problem.
158
00:06:52,965 --> 00:06:54,383
What can I say?
159
00:06:54,383 --> 00:06:55,759
I tried something.
160
00:07:01,056 --> 00:07:02,516
So you really thought
161
00:07:02,516 --> 00:07:03,684
you could tell us
we were all in charge
162
00:07:03,684 --> 00:07:05,269
and we wouldn't
figure it out?
163
00:07:05,269 --> 00:07:07,187
Well, in my defense,
I said to each of you,
164
00:07:07,187 --> 00:07:09,148
"Let's keep this
between us."
165
00:07:09,148 --> 00:07:12,651
I'm a little disappointed
that you broke my trust.
166
00:07:12,651 --> 00:07:14,653
That is true. We're sorry.
167
00:07:14,653 --> 00:07:17,156
Don't apologize for that.
We were being manipulated.
168
00:07:17,156 --> 00:07:18,657
You were the one
who blabbed first.
169
00:07:18,657 --> 00:07:20,159
That's because you kept
slowing us down
170
00:07:20,159 --> 00:07:21,785
with your outmoded ideas.
171
00:07:21,785 --> 00:07:23,704
Gentlemen, if we could
just follow my plan...
172
00:07:23,704 --> 00:07:24,997
No.
No.
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00:07:24,997 --> 00:07:26,957
Well, I hope
that you're starting
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to see the challenge I faced
putting any of you in charge.
175
00:07:30,002 --> 00:07:31,086
You're right, we're sorry.
176
00:07:31,086 --> 00:07:33,213
Stop that. Sorry.
177
00:07:33,213 --> 00:07:34,673
Well, we can't move forward
178
00:07:34,673 --> 00:07:36,675
until a project leader
is chosen.
179
00:07:36,675 --> 00:07:38,260
He's right, I'll do it.
180
00:07:38,260 --> 00:07:40,012
You're a child.
You're a child.
181
00:07:40,012 --> 00:07:41,263
Oh, you're all children.
182
00:07:41,263 --> 00:07:43,140
Sorry. Sorry.
183
00:07:44,016 --> 00:07:46,351
Well, who's it gonna be?
184
00:07:46,351 --> 00:07:48,312
Gentlemen, I'm Dr. Carol Lee,
185
00:07:48,312 --> 00:07:51,523
director of the new
experimental cosmology center.
186
00:07:51,523 --> 00:07:54,026
What makes you qualified
to lead our project?
187
00:07:54,026 --> 00:07:55,694
Yeah.
Yeah.
188
00:07:55,694 --> 00:07:58,989
Well, I have a PhD in physics
from Berkeley,
189
00:07:58,989 --> 00:08:01,408
I worked at IBM's
Watson Research Center
190
00:08:01,408 --> 00:08:03,285
as lead of the materials
research group,
191
00:08:03,285 --> 00:08:05,454
and I raised
three little boys,
192
00:08:05,454 --> 00:08:06,914
which I understand
193
00:08:06,914 --> 00:08:08,790
you've been acting like.
194
00:08:11,036 --> 00:08:12,419
Sounds like she can handle it.
195
00:08:13,202 --> 00:08:14,421
Dear Lord, please forgive me.
196
00:08:14,421 --> 00:08:16,089
I shouldn't have
finished that scratcher.
197
00:08:16,089 --> 00:08:18,008
That was wrong.
198
00:08:18,008 --> 00:08:23,347
But now that I have the money,
my family could really use it.
199
00:08:23,347 --> 00:08:26,016
I know. Gambling is a sin.
200
00:08:26,016 --> 00:08:29,061
Although, I didn't buy
the scratcher,
201
00:08:29,061 --> 00:08:31,313
so is that even gambling?
202
00:08:31,313 --> 00:08:33,398
Why is Missy saying we're rich?
203
00:08:34,816 --> 00:08:38,820
I suggest we mount a radio
telescope on the roof
204
00:08:38,820 --> 00:08:40,322
so that we can get a good read
205
00:08:40,322 --> 00:08:42,449
on the fluctuations
in radiation.
206
00:08:42,449 --> 00:08:44,117
Excellent.
207
00:08:44,117 --> 00:08:46,745
We'll pick a small region
of the sky and drill down.
208
00:08:46,745 --> 00:08:48,747
Whoa, whoa, pump your brakes.
209
00:08:48,747 --> 00:08:51,625
We need at least
a 45-square-degree sector
210
00:08:51,625 --> 00:08:54,670
of the sky in order to take
any meaningful readings.
211
00:08:54,670 --> 00:08:56,255
That's ridiculous.
What we need to do is cut
212
00:08:56,255 --> 00:08:58,674
a single linear section
across the horizon.
213
00:08:58,674 --> 00:09:01,009
No, if we don't focus,
we won't get any useful data.
214
00:09:01,009 --> 00:09:02,594
I suggest 20
arc minutes max.
215
00:09:02,594 --> 00:09:05,055
The trick is to pick
a good spot.
216
00:09:05,055 --> 00:09:08,308
You want a trick?
Go see David Copperfield.
217
00:09:08,308 --> 00:09:09,518
How about I make you disappear?
218
00:09:10,769 --> 00:09:12,354
Do I need to separate you?
219
00:09:12,354 --> 00:09:16,358
Or can we try to put
our minds together
220
00:09:16,358 --> 00:09:18,986
for the advancement of science?
221
00:09:18,986 --> 00:09:21,280
The second one.
222
00:09:21,280 --> 00:09:23,865
I know you're new here, ma'am,
but this is our process.
223
00:09:23,865 --> 00:09:25,784
They argue, I swoop in
and save the day.
224
00:09:25,784 --> 00:09:27,869
It may seem unorthodox
to you, however...
225
00:09:29,830 --> 00:09:31,373
The-the second one.
226
00:09:32,624 --> 00:09:35,085
I'm gonna tell you right now,
we can't keep it.
227
00:09:35,085 --> 00:09:38,297
It's not a puppy, Mary,
it's 500 bucks.
228
00:09:38,297 --> 00:09:39,798
It is gambling.
229
00:09:39,798 --> 00:09:41,550
Then why'd you buy the ticket?
230
00:09:41,550 --> 00:09:44,303
I didn't buy it. They gave it
to me at the gas station.
231
00:09:44,303 --> 00:09:47,848
Okay, well, that sounds
like a gift from God.
232
00:09:47,848 --> 00:09:49,266
You don't want to make Him mad.
233
00:09:49,266 --> 00:09:51,435
That is not how God
works, George.
234
00:09:51,435 --> 00:09:54,062
What if he wanted you to have it
to give to the Church?
235
00:09:54,062 --> 00:09:55,814
Well...
236
00:09:55,814 --> 00:09:58,108
Well, uh, based on that,
what if he wanted you to have it
237
00:09:58,108 --> 00:10:00,277
so we could buy stuff?
George.
238
00:10:00,277 --> 00:10:03,113
All I'm saying is, we work hard,
we're good people.
239
00:10:03,113 --> 00:10:04,781
Maybe we deserve this.
240
00:10:08,160 --> 00:10:10,329
I guess a dishwasher
might be nice.
241
00:10:10,329 --> 00:10:12,497
There you go. Get a dishwasher.
242
00:10:12,497 --> 00:10:14,666
I don't know.
I'll think about it.
243
00:10:14,666 --> 00:10:17,336
What's to think about?
Have some fun for once.
244
00:10:17,336 --> 00:10:19,338
Ooh, we getting something
fun with the money?
245
00:10:19,338 --> 00:10:20,839
We're talking about
a dishwasher.
246
00:10:20,839 --> 00:10:22,966
When did your dreams die?
247
00:10:23,925 --> 00:10:25,844
When we had kids. George.
248
00:10:25,844 --> 00:10:30,057
I was carrying pulsers
75 feet up
249
00:10:30,057 --> 00:10:32,017
a wet metal ladder
250
00:10:32,017 --> 00:10:33,602
when there was an earthquake.
251
00:10:33,602 --> 00:10:36,855
So, I am hanging on
for dear life...
252
00:10:36,855 --> 00:10:39,524
Ooh, we should set up
several radio telescopes
253
00:10:39,524 --> 00:10:41,943
on different rooftops
in an array.
254
00:10:44,905 --> 00:10:46,490
You speak Mandarin.
255
00:10:55,749 --> 00:10:58,043
I heard my name.
What are they saying?
256
00:10:58,043 --> 00:11:00,379
I don't speak Mandarin.
Just a little French.
257
00:11:00,379 --> 00:11:02,214
Oh, really?
258
00:11:06,009 --> 00:11:07,052
Ha!
259
00:11:11,098 --> 00:11:13,433
Well, does anyone here
speak Klingon?
260
00:11:23,777 --> 00:11:25,737
Dr. Lee?
Sheldon.
261
00:11:25,737 --> 00:11:27,447
May I have a moment
of your time?
262
00:11:27,447 --> 00:11:29,408
Of course, come in.
263
00:11:29,408 --> 00:11:31,159
Sit.
264
00:11:31,159 --> 00:11:33,370
How can I help you?
265
00:11:33,370 --> 00:11:36,790
I feel like my contributions
aren't being taken seriously.
266
00:11:36,790 --> 00:11:40,001
Oh, well, I'm sorry
you feel that way,
267
00:11:40,001 --> 00:11:42,921
but I'm listening
to everyone's contributions.
268
00:11:42,921 --> 00:11:44,756
But you're not taking
any of mine.
269
00:11:44,756 --> 00:11:47,634
No. But Drs. Linkletter
and Sturgis
270
00:11:47,634 --> 00:11:50,011
seem happy with the
direction we're headed.
271
00:11:50,971 --> 00:11:52,472
Well, I think it's because
272
00:11:52,472 --> 00:11:55,434
you're using
your feminine wiles.
273
00:11:55,434 --> 00:11:58,103
And what exactly
do you think that means?
274
00:11:58,103 --> 00:11:59,896
I'm not sure,
but you are wearing lip gloss
275
00:11:59,896 --> 00:12:02,107
and seem to have good hygiene.
276
00:12:02,107 --> 00:12:04,359
And if you're trying to use them
on me, it's not going to work.
277
00:12:05,444 --> 00:12:06,778
Sheldon, I assure you
278
00:12:06,778 --> 00:12:08,613
that I'm just trying to do
279
00:12:08,613 --> 00:12:10,073
what's best for the project.
280
00:12:10,073 --> 00:12:11,700
Excellent,
then you'll want to set up
281
00:12:11,700 --> 00:12:13,452
several telescopes in an array.
282
00:12:13,452 --> 00:12:16,413
I hear you, but... ghobe'.
283
00:12:16,413 --> 00:12:19,791
Wait, that's "no" in Klingon.
Do you speak Klingon?
284
00:12:19,791 --> 00:12:21,209
I looked up that one word.
285
00:12:21,209 --> 00:12:24,212
I had a feeling it
would come in handy.
286
00:12:28,633 --> 00:12:31,678
Ooh, look
at the Ultra-Clean Two.
287
00:12:31,678 --> 00:12:33,680
It's got five washing cycles.
288
00:12:33,680 --> 00:12:36,558
I don't know, George,
these are really expensive.
289
00:12:36,558 --> 00:12:39,853
You won the money.
Spend it.
290
00:12:39,853 --> 00:12:42,981
Maybe we should just
get a more affordable one.
291
00:12:42,981 --> 00:12:46,651
Everything we do is affordable.
Uh... splurge for once.
292
00:12:46,651 --> 00:12:48,278
It's so extravagant.
293
00:12:48,278 --> 00:12:49,613
You'd think
we were talking about
294
00:12:49,613 --> 00:12:50,947
buying a party boat.
295
00:12:50,947 --> 00:12:53,241
It's a dishwasher,
for crying out loud.
296
00:12:53,241 --> 00:12:56,995
But the way we got the money,
it just doesn't feel right.
297
00:12:56,995 --> 00:12:59,331
So you're telling me
you're never okay
298
00:12:59,331 --> 00:13:01,166
with bending the rules
once in a while?
299
00:13:01,166 --> 00:13:03,585
That's not how being
a Christian works.
300
00:13:04,544 --> 00:13:06,630
Good to know.
301
00:13:08,298 --> 00:13:09,633
What are you doing?
302
00:13:09,633 --> 00:13:11,593
Oh, just helping you
be a good Christian.
303
00:13:15,972 --> 00:13:17,891
Dr. Lee had commandeered
the project,
304
00:13:17,891 --> 00:13:20,393
and Drs. Linkletter
and Sturgis were okay with it.
305
00:13:20,393 --> 00:13:24,105
Everyone was being mean,
and I was out of my depth.
306
00:13:24,105 --> 00:13:26,733
I needed advice
on how to proceed.
307
00:13:26,733 --> 00:13:28,693
Thankfully, I was mere feet away
308
00:13:28,693 --> 00:13:30,570
from the person
who had been mean to me
309
00:13:30,570 --> 00:13:33,073
since she tried strangling me
with her umbilical cord.
310
00:13:33,073 --> 00:13:34,741
What?
311
00:13:34,741 --> 00:13:37,244
So, this Dr. Lee is turning
your friends against you?
312
00:13:37,244 --> 00:13:38,578
Essentially.
313
00:13:38,578 --> 00:13:40,330
Classic move.
314
00:13:40,330 --> 00:13:41,623
Most girls you find crying
in the school bathroom,
315
00:13:41,623 --> 00:13:42,791
that was it.
316
00:13:42,791 --> 00:13:44,084
What do I do?
317
00:13:44,084 --> 00:13:45,418
Well, you're in a tough spot
318
00:13:45,418 --> 00:13:47,712
'cause your personality is ugh.
319
00:13:47,712 --> 00:13:49,548
There's enough people
being mean to me right now.
320
00:13:49,548 --> 00:13:50,590
Sorry.
321
00:13:50,590 --> 00:13:52,217
Can you help me or not?
322
00:13:52,217 --> 00:13:54,261
It's you against a bunch
of college professors.
323
00:13:54,261 --> 00:13:55,971
I don't think
you can win this one.
324
00:13:58,598 --> 00:14:00,850
Oh. Do any of them have pimples?
325
00:14:00,850 --> 00:14:02,477
No.
326
00:14:02,477 --> 00:14:04,980
Too bad, I've done a lot
of damage with "pizza face."
327
00:14:06,898 --> 00:14:08,567
He just took the ticket
328
00:14:08,567 --> 00:14:10,277
and stormed off.
329
00:14:10,277 --> 00:14:12,571
I don't know why he cares
so much about a dishwasher.
330
00:14:12,571 --> 00:14:14,281
Maybe it ain't
about the dishwasher.
331
00:14:14,281 --> 00:14:16,283
Well, what is it, then?
332
00:14:16,283 --> 00:14:18,410
Mary, I love you,
but sometimes it's kind of like
333
00:14:18,410 --> 00:14:20,996
you're waging a war on fun.
334
00:14:20,996 --> 00:14:24,249
Why? Because I have values?
335
00:14:24,249 --> 00:14:26,668
Well, too bad because
they're not going away.
336
00:14:26,668 --> 00:14:29,212
Oh, and fun is down
for the count.
337
00:14:29,212 --> 00:14:31,298
500 bucks?
338
00:14:31,298 --> 00:14:33,383
I guess drinks are on you.
339
00:14:33,383 --> 00:14:36,761
Fine, but is that all
you got from my story?
340
00:14:36,761 --> 00:14:38,847
It's called lightening
the mood, George.
341
00:14:38,847 --> 00:14:40,765
Sorry.
342
00:14:40,765 --> 00:14:43,226
But I do think
you're overreacting.
343
00:14:44,227 --> 00:14:45,979
Come on.
344
00:14:45,979 --> 00:14:48,356
I... Would it kill her
to loosen up once in a while?
345
00:14:48,356 --> 00:14:50,650
Maybe that's just
not who she is.
346
00:14:50,650 --> 00:14:54,195
What if it is, just not with me?
347
00:14:54,195 --> 00:14:55,447
Well, what does that mean?
348
00:14:56,656 --> 00:14:58,366
The other night I
drove by the church
349
00:14:58,366 --> 00:15:00,410
and I saw Mary
and that new youth pastor
350
00:15:00,410 --> 00:15:04,164
just hanging out on the curb,
laughing and smoking cigarettes.
351
00:15:06,207 --> 00:15:07,959
Yeah? And?
352
00:15:07,959 --> 00:15:09,336
Well, that's not enough?
353
00:15:09,336 --> 00:15:11,630
Well, is smoking even a sin?
354
00:15:11,630 --> 00:15:14,215
'Cause I still light up
after a roll in the hay.
355
00:15:14,215 --> 00:15:18,928
The point is, she's capable
of being fun, just...
356
00:15:18,928 --> 00:15:20,680
not with me.
357
00:15:20,680 --> 00:15:22,891
It's not like
I don't want to be fun,
358
00:15:22,891 --> 00:15:24,476
but I feel like
359
00:15:24,476 --> 00:15:26,686
I am the only one holding
the family together.
360
00:15:26,686 --> 00:15:29,773
Mary, can I point out that you
weren't exactly like this
361
00:15:29,773 --> 00:15:31,566
when y'all got married?
362
00:15:31,566 --> 00:15:33,526
So? I'm not allowed to grow?
363
00:15:33,526 --> 00:15:36,279
Apart? Okay.
364
00:15:38,156 --> 00:15:39,824
What made you and your wife
call it quits?
365
00:15:39,824 --> 00:15:41,368
George, let me
tell you something.
366
00:15:41,368 --> 00:15:43,411
Getting divorced sucks.
367
00:15:43,411 --> 00:15:45,747
I know.
You don't.
368
00:15:45,747 --> 00:15:48,458
If you think you're upset
about a $500 scratcher,
369
00:15:48,458 --> 00:15:51,753
try sitting home alone
with half your money gone.
370
00:15:52,879 --> 00:15:54,005
I thought you were
gonna say something
371
00:15:54,005 --> 00:15:55,256
about love and vows.
372
00:15:55,256 --> 00:15:56,925
Half, George.
373
00:15:56,925 --> 00:15:58,760
And it wasn't a lot
when it was a whole.
374
00:15:58,760 --> 00:16:00,679
I said I'd buy your drinks.
375
00:16:00,679 --> 00:16:02,806
Well, thank you.
376
00:16:02,806 --> 00:16:04,432
Wings wouldn't hurt, either.
377
00:16:04,432 --> 00:16:05,767
My sister thought I was in
378
00:16:05,767 --> 00:16:07,268
an unwinnable situation,
379
00:16:07,268 --> 00:16:09,062
but I knew someone else
who faced
380
00:16:09,062 --> 00:16:12,732
a no-win scenario and prevailed:
one James Tiberius Kirk.
381
00:16:12,732 --> 00:16:15,276
The Kobayashi Maru
was a simulation
382
00:16:15,276 --> 00:16:18,071
designed to be unbeatable,
but Kirk snuck in
383
00:16:18,071 --> 00:16:19,906
and reprogrammed it
so he could win.
384
00:16:19,906 --> 00:16:22,701
All I needed to do
was put my scanning coordinates
385
00:16:22,701 --> 00:16:26,121
into Dr. Lee's radio telescope
to prove I was correct.
386
00:16:26,121 --> 00:16:28,999
It was time for my sneaky face.
387
00:16:34,629 --> 00:16:35,797
Hey.
388
00:16:35,797 --> 00:16:37,340
Hi.
389
00:16:38,675 --> 00:16:40,218
This is yours.
390
00:16:40,218 --> 00:16:42,012
And if you don't feel
right spending it,
391
00:16:42,012 --> 00:16:44,264
then you should do
whatever you want with it.
392
00:16:44,973 --> 00:16:46,349
Thank you.
393
00:16:51,062 --> 00:16:53,523
You know,
I've been thinking that
394
00:16:53,523 --> 00:16:55,191
maybe it isn't
395
00:16:55,191 --> 00:16:58,278
the end of the world
if we spend it on something fun.
396
00:16:58,278 --> 00:16:59,738
Really?
397
00:16:59,738 --> 00:17:02,741
Yeah, something
the family could enjoy.
398
00:17:02,741 --> 00:17:04,534
Well...
399
00:17:04,534 --> 00:17:06,286
we haven't been on vacation
in a long time.
400
00:17:06,286 --> 00:17:08,079
Oh...
401
00:17:08,079 --> 00:17:09,706
Oh.
402
00:17:09,706 --> 00:17:11,833
We could go to Houston,
see the Ice Capades.
403
00:17:12,959 --> 00:17:14,377
Let's keep thinking.
404
00:17:16,045 --> 00:17:19,424
The next evening,
I put my plan into action.
405
00:17:19,424 --> 00:17:21,342
I was just like Captain Kirk,
406
00:17:21,342 --> 00:17:24,095
if Captain Kirk had to bum
a ride from his meemaw.
407
00:17:24,095 --> 00:17:26,765
All I needed to do was
get into Dr. Lee's office
408
00:17:26,765 --> 00:17:28,475
and swap the coordinates.
409
00:17:28,475 --> 00:17:29,684
Nothing could stop me.
410
00:17:31,394 --> 00:17:33,813
Dang it.
411
00:17:33,813 --> 00:17:35,899
Well, here's to male egos
412
00:17:35,899 --> 00:17:37,567
and all the fun
that comes with them.
413
00:17:39,861 --> 00:17:42,113
You've had to deal
with that a lot, huh?
414
00:17:42,113 --> 00:17:44,115
The first month I was here,
people kept assuming
415
00:17:44,115 --> 00:17:46,201
I was the president's secretary.
416
00:17:46,201 --> 00:17:48,161
Did you correct them?
417
00:17:48,161 --> 00:17:51,122
No, I just told them
that the president was too busy
418
00:17:51,122 --> 00:17:53,458
to see them and then
I cut their funding.
419
00:17:53,458 --> 00:17:55,835
That must have felt good.
420
00:17:55,835 --> 00:17:59,255
Ah, it was like taking off
my bra at the end of a long day.
421
00:17:59,255 --> 00:18:01,800
Mm-hmm.
But I don't have to tell you.
422
00:18:01,800 --> 00:18:05,553
Can you believe there were only
three women in my major?
423
00:18:05,553 --> 00:18:07,347
Oh, at least you had each other.
424
00:18:07,347 --> 00:18:09,182
Those bitches? Pass.
425
00:18:09,182 --> 00:18:10,975
What about the guys?
426
00:18:10,975 --> 00:18:12,602
Either too scared to talk to me
427
00:18:12,602 --> 00:18:14,813
or trying to talk me
into being horizontal.
428
00:18:14,813 --> 00:18:17,023
Oh, yeah, I hear that. Mm-hmm.
Mm.
429
00:18:17,023 --> 00:18:20,235
I've even had projects sabotaged
just to make me look bad.
430
00:18:20,235 --> 00:18:22,195
You're kidding. Nope.
431
00:18:37,085 --> 00:18:38,294
Well, what did you do?
432
00:18:38,746 --> 00:18:40,213
Well, eventually I realized,
433
00:18:40,213 --> 00:18:42,715
I'm an experimental physicist.
434
00:18:42,715 --> 00:18:46,261
I can build anything I want
to protect my work.
435
00:18:52,016 --> 00:18:53,977
And thanks to my kids,
436
00:18:53,977 --> 00:18:58,022
I am very familiar with
the movie Home Alone.
437
00:19:00,483 --> 00:19:03,152
After a lot of apologizing,
a little begging
438
00:19:03,152 --> 00:19:04,863
and a note from my mother,
439
00:19:04,863 --> 00:19:07,657
I was allowed to keep
my role on the team.
440
00:19:07,657 --> 00:19:09,534
When Captain Kirk
faced the no-win scenario,
441
00:19:09,534 --> 00:19:11,244
he didn't have blue
and yellow snot for a week.
442
00:19:11,244 --> 00:19:13,079
Ew.
443
00:19:20,086 --> 00:19:21,713
Sounds like the ocean.
444
00:19:21,713 --> 00:19:22,964
Oh, it is very relaxing.
445
00:19:22,964 --> 00:19:24,424
Kind of makes
446
00:19:24,424 --> 00:19:26,259
the rest of the kitchen
look trashy.
447
00:19:26,259 --> 00:19:28,469
Ooh, it has
a temperature boost sensor.
448
00:19:28,469 --> 00:19:29,679
What's that?
449
00:19:29,679 --> 00:19:31,222
It makes sure
the water is heated
450
00:19:31,222 --> 00:19:33,057
to the correct temperature
for ideal cleaning
451
00:19:33,057 --> 00:19:35,018
and drying results. Ooh.
452
00:19:36,394 --> 00:19:37,604
Where are you going?
453
00:19:37,604 --> 00:19:39,188
You're gonna miss
the rinse cycle.
454
00:19:39,188 --> 00:19:40,607
I'm not missing anything.
455
00:19:42,358 --> 00:19:43,805
Oh, it beeped. Look up "beep."
32760
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