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Previously on You, Me, Her...
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How often are you having sex?
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If I stuck my tongue in Emma's mouth,
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she's probably just crack up laughing.
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You do it with someone you don't know.
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Someone who doesn't laugh
when you get your sexy on.
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I'm talking about an escort.
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- One more week.
- There's my little hooker.
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We're escorts. It's different.
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I love you, weirdo.
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Fuck.
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Jesus, I can't do this.
What's wrong with me?
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I came clean.
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Don't I get points for coming clean?
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- Show me.
- Show you what?
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I want to see her.
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Wow, you are really pretty.
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Surprise.
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The reason why I hired you
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is to save my marriage, actually.
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- I met Izzy today.
- What?
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And I probably should have told you this
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a long, long time ago,
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but, um...
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she wasn't my first girl.
27
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Hey.
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So, in the half hour or
so that I actually slept,
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I had the weirdest dream.
30
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We did it on the kitchen floor...
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Wow.
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Yeah.
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And then you told me
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you got a foot job under the table
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from a girl.
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That's so much like my dream,
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except before that girl gave
me a foot job under the table,
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you made out with her in a hotel room.
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What if it really happened?
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How crazy would that be?
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So crazy.
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So what now?
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Well, it's early.
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- Oh... Oh, God.
- Yeah.
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00:01:52,002 --> 00:01:53,469
Yeah.
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There's a reason why that
only happens in movies.
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Call the CDC.
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I think we just created a plague.
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- Should we...
- Yeah.
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You're disgusting.
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You make me sick.
52
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Go. Run. Save yourself.
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At least one of your organs is in there.
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So gross.
55
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Okay, then.
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00:02:39,483 --> 00:02:43,185
Today is the first day of your
life, Isabelle Marie Silva.
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You are stripped bare,
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born anew,
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and now you must wash all the sins of...
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Oh, fuck.
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Andy.
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Or you could just stop
being a selfish cunt.
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Could you... could you do that for me?
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So, can we talk
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about this whole girl-girl-girl...
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phase,
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whatever it was?
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Like...
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why didn't you tell me about this?
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Um...
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Something we should have...
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I'm sorry. I should have.
73
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Maybe I should see
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if Dina has a cancellation
later today or something?
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Does it bother you?
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It's... I think...
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we should talk about it at least.
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Okay. Yeah.
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Just to wrap our heads around it
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in the company of a professional?
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Yeah.
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That is a good idea.
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Good, right?
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You're full of good ideas.
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So, it's me again,
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the loathsome, sociopathic
no-show from last night?
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This is try number seven, Andrew,
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which legally constitutes
cellular groveling.
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So, call now
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00:03:52,556 --> 00:03:55,257
and receive one sexual favor
in a semi-public place...
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00:03:55,258 --> 00:03:57,660
Sorry, that was... that was weird.
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Um, just call me back, okay?
93
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I miss you.
94
00:04:04,768 --> 00:04:05,969
What is that?
95
00:04:09,106 --> 00:04:10,373
Hello.
96
00:04:11,308 --> 00:04:12,308
Whatcha doing?
97
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Don't distract me.
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I'm trying to, like, black
out the last 60 seconds
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so that we can keep living together.
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Just, by the way,
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it's painfully transparent
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00:04:21,218 --> 00:04:22,218
that you're only into
Andy when he cuts you off.
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I'm just saying.
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What?
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Where are the dolls?
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You know what this is?
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You're, like, deep into
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00:04:31,128 --> 00:04:32,828
another of your spastic,
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00:04:32,829 --> 00:04:36,398
reactionary self-improvement
programs, right?
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00:04:36,399 --> 00:04:38,034
No, Nina.
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I'm getting my shit together.
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People do it all the time.
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No, you...
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You do it all the time, Iz.
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You ever consider just,
like, keeping it together,
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relatively speaking?
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Or do you secretly dig
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this whole death and resurrection cycle
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that you're trapped in?
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00:04:54,484 --> 00:04:55,584
Ahem.
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00:04:55,585 --> 00:04:57,153
I do have a question for you, though?
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Okay.
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Yeah. What the fuck is that?
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How many times have I told you
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to not leave your nail polish up here?
126
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I didn't leave my nail polish up there.
127
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Every time. Does it... Does
it look like it belongs?
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I don't care about your personal problems,
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Piper or Meghan, or whoever you are.
130
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Come in, please.
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Fred? Are you in there?
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Izzy?
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Remember that?
134
00:06:03,653 --> 00:06:05,822
So, here's the thing...
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I've been a very, very bad girl, Jack,
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and I need some firm counseling.
137
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Think you can do that?
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00:06:37,320 --> 00:06:38,621
Jack, Jack, Jack.
139
00:06:38,622 --> 00:06:39,622
You know, you can schedule
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00:06:39,623 --> 00:06:40,890
an emergency therapy session,
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lock the doors,
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build a moat,
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put some sharks in it,
144
00:06:44,461 --> 00:06:46,996
but there's just one little problem...
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I'm already inside.
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Surprise.
147
00:07:03,480 --> 00:07:04,480
Can you be cool?
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I think so.
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Ahem. Ahem.
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00:07:41,051 --> 00:07:42,318
Oh, my God!
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00:07:42,319 --> 00:07:43,485
Um...
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Jack?
153
00:07:45,622 --> 00:07:46,823
Jack?
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00:07:49,726 --> 00:07:50,726
Dean Weinstock.
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00:07:50,727 --> 00:07:51,760
Might I have a word?
156
00:07:51,761 --> 00:07:52,795
You may.
157
00:07:52,796 --> 00:07:54,663
May I suggest "capricious"?
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00:07:54,664 --> 00:07:56,432
That's a favorite.
159
00:07:56,433 --> 00:07:58,067
Um, so is that my lamp,
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00:07:58,068 --> 00:08:00,336
or are you just happy to see me?
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00:08:00,337 --> 00:08:01,870
Wow. Why would I say that?
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00:08:01,871 --> 00:08:03,872
I sound like I'm offering
you sexual favors,
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00:08:03,873 --> 00:08:05,474
which...
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which I guarantee you I'm not.
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00:08:07,711 --> 00:08:09,712
Are you somebody's son?
166
00:08:09,713 --> 00:08:10,713
I mean, like,
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everybody's somebody's son,
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00:08:12,082 --> 00:08:14,516
but are you, like, somebody's son,
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00:08:14,517 --> 00:08:15,718
like a big client or something?
170
00:08:15,719 --> 00:08:17,519
Please tell me you're not.
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00:08:17,520 --> 00:08:19,555
I'm going to write you a
really good recommendation
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00:08:19,556 --> 00:08:20,823
when you go back to school.
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00:08:20,824 --> 00:08:23,692
Oh, don't bother clearing
that browsing history.
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00:08:23,693 --> 00:08:25,995
Your porn's already been
logged and ostracized.
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I don't... porn on this...
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00:08:28,732 --> 00:08:30,065
on the computers, no.
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00:08:30,066 --> 00:08:31,066
That's not my...
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I'm joking.
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Okay.
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Funny.
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00:08:35,105 --> 00:08:37,265
However, there is something
we need to talk about.
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Whatever you feel matters only to you.
183
00:08:45,382 --> 00:08:49,118
Whatever you do about
it matters to the world.
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Your life and your relationships
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are a sum of your choices and actions.
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Meatloaf is just an excuse
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00:08:57,027 --> 00:08:58,994
to serve a giant bunless hamburger.
188
00:09:06,102 --> 00:09:09,371
Andy! Hi. Hi. You called.
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00:09:09,372 --> 00:09:10,706
Um, choose your favorite greeting.
190
00:09:10,707 --> 00:09:11,707
One...
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00:09:11,708 --> 00:09:14,743
I am a nice guy, Iz,
192
00:09:14,744 --> 00:09:18,414
but don't mistake that
for me being a pushover.
193
00:09:18,415 --> 00:09:21,117
How about we just move
on to something healthier?
194
00:09:23,486 --> 00:09:25,021
Please?
195
00:09:26,423 --> 00:09:27,389
Okay.
196
00:09:27,390 --> 00:09:28,791
All right, all right.
197
00:09:32,762 --> 00:09:34,496
You know what, it worked.
198
00:09:34,497 --> 00:09:35,497
I can't believe I'm saying this,
199
00:09:35,498 --> 00:09:38,434
but your stupid moron
plan actually worked.
200
00:09:38,435 --> 00:09:39,935
Em and I are having crazy sex.
201
00:09:39,936 --> 00:09:41,837
We mopped the kitchen floor
with each other last night.
202
00:09:41,838 --> 00:09:42,971
Mm-hmm.
203
00:09:42,972 --> 00:09:44,106
Like, real sex.
204
00:09:44,107 --> 00:09:46,075
We were engaged and
looking at each other...
205
00:09:46,076 --> 00:09:47,409
and making out.
206
00:09:47,410 --> 00:09:48,610
We haven't made out in years.
207
00:09:48,611 --> 00:09:49,778
I think we're going to do it tonight, too.
208
00:09:49,779 --> 00:09:52,448
You're welcome.
209
00:09:52,449 --> 00:09:53,549
My work here is done.
210
00:09:53,550 --> 00:09:55,717
Why am I still fantasizing
about Izzy, though,
211
00:09:55,718 --> 00:09:56,852
instead of Emma?
212
00:09:56,853 --> 00:09:58,987
Dude, honestly,
213
00:09:58,988 --> 00:10:02,057
does anybody fantasize about their wife?
214
00:10:02,058 --> 00:10:03,525
I mean, I own
215
00:10:03,526 --> 00:10:06,061
an obscenely expensive black sports car
216
00:10:06,062 --> 00:10:08,063
that does 0 to 140 in, like, six seconds.
217
00:10:08,064 --> 00:10:09,665
Do you think I fantasize
218
00:10:09,666 --> 00:10:10,833
about driving
219
00:10:10,834 --> 00:10:12,134
an obscenely expensive black sports car
220
00:10:12,135 --> 00:10:14,036
that does 0 to 140 in six seconds?
221
00:10:14,037 --> 00:10:15,838
That makes no sense whatsoever.
222
00:10:15,839 --> 00:10:18,073
I'll get the Meaty Jackson 3
223
00:10:18,074 --> 00:10:19,575
and he'll have The Hot Angie.
224
00:10:19,576 --> 00:10:21,643
Thank you.
225
00:10:21,644 --> 00:10:22,811
So, just to be clear,
226
00:10:22,812 --> 00:10:25,981
my wife is the car in your metaphor?
227
00:10:25,982 --> 00:10:27,082
- Yeah. Yeah.
- I don't get it.
228
00:10:27,083 --> 00:10:28,817
A very sexy car.
229
00:10:28,818 --> 00:10:30,085
If there was a reasonable method,
230
00:10:30,086 --> 00:10:32,422
I'd totally fuck my car.
231
00:10:33,590 --> 00:10:35,791
Why do I come...
232
00:10:35,792 --> 00:10:37,059
What? What?
233
00:10:38,061 --> 00:10:39,228
What is your problem?
234
00:10:39,229 --> 00:10:40,462
There's a million people
I could come to advice for,
235
00:10:40,463 --> 00:10:41,597
I come to you. I have a
lot of my plate right now.
236
00:10:41,598 --> 00:10:42,731
I have...
237
00:10:42,732 --> 00:10:44,500
Weinstock is retiring as dean
238
00:10:44,501 --> 00:10:46,635
and he's recommending
me as his replacement.
239
00:10:46,636 --> 00:10:48,036
I know.
240
00:10:48,037 --> 00:10:50,906
So... so, in addition
241
00:10:50,907 --> 00:10:53,041
to you being unable to avoid getting laid,
242
00:10:53,042 --> 00:10:54,877
even in your sleep,
243
00:10:54,878 --> 00:10:56,812
you're gonna be the dean
244
00:10:56,813 --> 00:10:59,081
of one of the top private high schools
245
00:10:59,082 --> 00:11:00,549
on the West Coast?
246
00:11:00,550 --> 00:11:02,484
I walked right into that one.
247
00:11:02,485 --> 00:11:03,619
Yeah.
248
00:11:03,620 --> 00:11:04,620
God!
249
00:11:04,621 --> 00:11:05,621
- Gotta get the food here.
- Get the food.
250
00:11:05,622 --> 00:11:08,458
It's the least you can
do after I pay for it.
251
00:11:09,592 --> 00:11:10,893
Thank you.
252
00:11:13,963 --> 00:11:15,731
Here's the thing, man, with Izzy,
253
00:11:15,732 --> 00:11:16,965
we didn't just make out.
254
00:11:16,966 --> 00:11:18,767
We went much further than that.
255
00:11:18,768 --> 00:11:21,136
What kind of guy does something like that?
256
00:11:21,137 --> 00:11:24,173
A guy with a dick?
257
00:11:24,174 --> 00:11:25,841
The other problem I have is
258
00:11:25,842 --> 00:11:27,776
Weinstock said that they monitor
259
00:11:27,777 --> 00:11:29,611
our Internet use at the office,
260
00:11:29,612 --> 00:11:31,547
and I used the office
computer to contact Izzy.
261
00:11:31,548 --> 00:11:32,848
You what?
262
00:11:32,849 --> 00:11:34,716
Ow! Come on, man. Stop
fucking smacking me.
263
00:11:34,717 --> 00:11:35,784
Stop being such a dumb-ass!
264
00:11:35,785 --> 00:11:37,052
- We are adults.
- Adults?
265
00:11:37,053 --> 00:11:38,053
We are adults.
266
00:11:38,054 --> 00:11:40,823
Get your hands off my suit!
267
00:11:42,125 --> 00:11:43,125
- Oh, what?
- Yeah.
268
00:11:43,126 --> 00:11:44,894
What was that?
269
00:11:46,062 --> 00:11:48,564
Sorry, sorry. He's my
brother. I apologize.
270
00:11:48,565 --> 00:11:51,233
Listen, you better run.
271
00:11:57,040 --> 00:11:58,674
Stay with it.
272
00:11:58,675 --> 00:12:01,710
Say no to your brain's defense mechanism
273
00:12:01,711 --> 00:12:04,246
of retreat and surrender.
274
00:12:04,247 --> 00:12:07,983
Say yes to your will, your intentions.
275
00:12:07,984 --> 00:12:10,853
You're not going to
have an orgasm, are you?
276
00:12:11,721 --> 00:12:12,754
Mm. No promises.
277
00:12:12,755 --> 00:12:16,225
I'm having some kind of
mind-body renaissance.
278
00:12:16,226 --> 00:12:17,226
Stay present.
279
00:12:17,227 --> 00:12:20,329
Be with your body.
280
00:12:20,330 --> 00:12:22,197
Trust your body.
281
00:12:22,198 --> 00:12:25,000
Be thankful for all that she does for you.
282
00:12:25,001 --> 00:12:27,769
Hear her.
283
00:12:27,770 --> 00:12:30,038
I can hear this one
Kegel-ing from over here.
284
00:12:30,039 --> 00:12:31,240
Shut up!
285
00:12:32,308 --> 00:12:35,744
Oh, wow, Emma, just beautiful.
286
00:12:35,745 --> 00:12:37,346
You're glowing.
287
00:12:37,347 --> 00:12:39,648
Everyone, if you can manage
to look over here at Emma,
288
00:12:39,649 --> 00:12:43,986
this is what it looks
like to trust your body.
289
00:12:43,987 --> 00:12:45,188
You inspire me, Emma.
290
00:12:47,924 --> 00:12:49,992
I have a great teacher.
291
00:12:49,993 --> 00:12:51,994
Namaste.
292
00:12:54,931 --> 00:12:57,099
And into downward dog.
293
00:13:03,773 --> 00:13:07,643
Got a little something on
your nose, there, Moonbeam.
294
00:13:07,644 --> 00:13:09,177
Jealous much?
295
00:13:09,178 --> 00:13:10,846
I'm simply accustomed
296
00:13:10,847 --> 00:13:12,114
to being better than you at everything,
297
00:13:12,115 --> 00:13:13,782
especially yoga.
298
00:13:13,783 --> 00:13:16,318
You are not better than me at everything.
299
00:13:16,319 --> 00:13:18,153
I'm waiting.
300
00:13:18,154 --> 00:13:21,224
I'm better than you at
hooking up with girls.
301
00:13:23,059 --> 00:13:24,393
Are we talking about
302
00:13:24,394 --> 00:13:26,962
the hideously deformed grad student?
303
00:13:26,963 --> 00:13:28,730
We are.
304
00:13:28,731 --> 00:13:31,066
We made out in the bathroom.
305
00:13:31,067 --> 00:13:33,027
After she gave me a
foot job under the table.
306
00:13:34,404 --> 00:13:36,339
I can't stop thinking about it.
307
00:13:38,007 --> 00:13:39,007
Oh.
308
00:13:39,008 --> 00:13:41,643
What's wrong?
309
00:13:41,644 --> 00:13:42,878
Just...
310
00:13:42,879 --> 00:13:44,946
If you're back into chicks,
why not me, you big lesbo?
311
00:13:44,947 --> 00:13:47,316
I mean, I'd refuse you, of course, but...
312
00:13:47,317 --> 00:13:49,017
Okay, first of all, I
am not a "big lesbo,"
313
00:13:49,018 --> 00:13:50,819
which is offensive, by the way.
314
00:13:50,820 --> 00:13:52,254
And second...
315
00:13:52,255 --> 00:13:54,956
I don't even know if
I'm "back into chicks."
316
00:13:54,957 --> 00:13:56,158
Double air quotes. Mine.
317
00:13:57,927 --> 00:13:59,995
So did she initiate?
318
00:13:59,996 --> 00:14:03,398
Were you, like, a
passive participant or...
319
00:14:03,399 --> 00:14:06,902
I was no lady in the ladies room.
320
00:14:06,903 --> 00:14:08,136
What does that mean?
321
00:14:08,137 --> 00:14:09,137
How far did you go?
322
00:14:09,138 --> 00:14:11,440
Were you guys, like, eating at the Y?
323
00:14:11,441 --> 00:14:12,708
Ew. I don't even know what that means.
324
00:14:12,709 --> 00:14:15,877
Have you told Jack?
325
00:14:15,878 --> 00:14:17,980
Yeah.
326
00:14:19,916 --> 00:14:21,183
I kind of feel like
327
00:14:21,184 --> 00:14:24,620
I'm dangling my marriage out
a 10-story window right now.
328
00:14:25,955 --> 00:14:26,955
But at the same time,
329
00:14:26,956 --> 00:14:29,324
I'm into him more than ever.
330
00:14:29,325 --> 00:14:31,159
You know, I want him again.
331
00:14:31,160 --> 00:14:34,096
Does that make sense?
332
00:14:35,865 --> 00:14:37,265
People jump out of
perfectly good airplanes
333
00:14:37,266 --> 00:14:39,368
for a reason, babydoll.
334
00:14:41,170 --> 00:14:42,672
Maybe.
335
00:14:44,040 --> 00:14:47,008
Are you and Carmen having
your post-yoga wine?
336
00:14:47,009 --> 00:14:48,009
A little Pinot?
337
00:14:48,010 --> 00:14:49,077
She took mine
338
00:14:49,078 --> 00:14:51,246
when I air quoted twice
in the same sentence.
339
00:14:51,247 --> 00:14:52,547
Okay, good,
340
00:14:52,548 --> 00:14:55,350
because I just booked a time
with Dina in about 30 minutes.
341
00:14:55,351 --> 00:14:56,418
I'll meet you there.
342
00:14:56,419 --> 00:14:57,753
I'm gonna get there early,
343
00:14:57,754 --> 00:14:58,754
and just kind of establish my position
344
00:14:58,755 --> 00:14:59,755
as the good guy in this situation.
345
00:14:59,756 --> 00:15:01,390
A, our shrink is a chick,
346
00:15:01,391 --> 00:15:02,758
B, you started the whole thing
347
00:15:02,759 --> 00:15:03,892
by calling a hooker,
348
00:15:03,893 --> 00:15:05,394
so C, you are screwed.
349
00:15:05,395 --> 00:15:06,395
Wait, did you just say
350
00:15:06,396 --> 00:15:07,763
all this in front of Carmen?
351
00:15:07,764 --> 00:15:09,164
No. No, of course not.
352
00:15:09,165 --> 00:15:10,165
She's, uh...
353
00:15:10,166 --> 00:15:11,567
she's pooping.
354
00:15:12,835 --> 00:15:15,003
I'm sure she'll be thrilled
355
00:15:15,004 --> 00:15:16,371
you're outing her pooping habits.
356
00:15:16,372 --> 00:15:17,773
Yeah.
357
00:15:17,774 --> 00:15:18,974
It's... it's a yoga thing.
358
00:15:18,975 --> 00:15:21,877
You know, run to the bathroom,
359
00:15:21,878 --> 00:15:23,111
occasional fight over a stall.
360
00:15:23,112 --> 00:15:25,013
You know, yoga.
361
00:15:25,014 --> 00:15:26,882
Okay. I love you. See you there.
362
00:15:26,883 --> 00:15:28,950
Love you, Babe. Bye.
363
00:15:28,951 --> 00:15:29,951
I'm sorry.
364
00:15:29,952 --> 00:15:33,288
Anything but poo. Anything but poo.
365
00:15:33,289 --> 00:15:35,290
You know what, just next
time, tell him I died.
366
00:15:43,065 --> 00:15:44,266
There you are.
367
00:15:53,810 --> 00:15:55,277
Okay.
368
00:15:56,212 --> 00:15:57,212
I'm trying really hard
369
00:15:57,213 --> 00:15:59,514
to be... patiently submissive here,
370
00:15:59,515 --> 00:16:02,384
but this steely silence thing
371
00:16:02,385 --> 00:16:03,518
is... is...
372
00:16:03,519 --> 00:16:05,987
just about to cross the line
373
00:16:05,988 --> 00:16:08,023
between self-empowerment
and douchebaggery.
374
00:16:08,024 --> 00:16:10,158
I think you might be my penance.
375
00:16:10,159 --> 00:16:12,794
For the evil man-deeds of your past?
376
00:16:12,795 --> 00:16:13,762
You gotta see it
377
00:16:13,763 --> 00:16:16,198
through now, right?
378
00:16:16,199 --> 00:16:18,533
Suffer. Be cleansed.
379
00:16:18,534 --> 00:16:21,803
I'm all done suffering, Iz.
380
00:16:21,804 --> 00:16:23,972
I know.
381
00:16:23,973 --> 00:16:25,574
Yeah, you do?
382
00:16:25,575 --> 00:16:27,476
I do. Yes.
383
00:16:27,477 --> 00:16:28,977
Good,
384
00:16:28,978 --> 00:16:33,582
'cause you are going to
take me on a proper date.
385
00:16:33,583 --> 00:16:35,584
Is that right?
386
00:16:35,585 --> 00:16:38,820
You are going to court me first.
387
00:16:38,821 --> 00:16:40,121
Okay.
388
00:16:40,122 --> 00:16:41,556
Then you're going to woo me...
389
00:16:41,557 --> 00:16:42,958
Uh-huh.
390
00:16:42,959 --> 00:16:45,127
And wine and dine me.
391
00:16:46,062 --> 00:16:47,596
Any chance I'm gonna get some?
392
00:16:47,597 --> 00:16:50,932
I'm a sure thing. Yeah. Complete slut.
393
00:16:50,933 --> 00:16:52,167
Sold.
394
00:16:52,168 --> 00:16:53,535
So when's the big date?
395
00:16:53,536 --> 00:16:55,270
Right now.
396
00:16:55,271 --> 00:16:57,005
No possibility of flaking
397
00:16:57,006 --> 00:16:58,540
or turning it into some sloppy booty call.
398
00:16:58,541 --> 00:16:59,541
Let's just go.
399
00:16:59,542 --> 00:17:00,542
Okay, just bag it up.
400
00:17:00,543 --> 00:17:03,078
What?
401
00:17:03,079 --> 00:17:04,312
Recall, if you will,
402
00:17:04,313 --> 00:17:06,181
literally counting down
from 60 on your phone?
403
00:17:06,182 --> 00:17:08,116
You know when I get the O.C.
404
00:17:08,117 --> 00:17:09,217
I was cleaning,
405
00:17:09,218 --> 00:17:10,986
shit was crazy at the house.
406
00:17:10,987 --> 00:17:12,053
Like, I'm sweating.
407
00:17:12,054 --> 00:17:15,123
Like, I'm... I'm not...
I'm vile right now.
408
00:17:15,124 --> 00:17:17,125
You really need to give me a minute.
409
00:17:17,126 --> 00:17:18,327
Suffer. Be cleansed.
410
00:17:19,395 --> 00:17:23,565
Why don't we... just meet here in an hour?
411
00:17:23,566 --> 00:17:24,566
Okay?
412
00:17:24,567 --> 00:17:27,636
I wanna be pretty for you.
413
00:17:37,880 --> 00:17:40,882
Um... you're cheating.
414
00:17:40,883 --> 00:17:41,883
What?
415
00:17:41,884 --> 00:17:43,585
- This is cheating.
- What? No.
416
00:17:43,586 --> 00:17:47,255
Am I ever going to have
any control in this thing?
417
00:17:47,256 --> 00:17:49,624
How honest do you want me to be?
418
00:17:54,397 --> 00:17:56,998
It was the summer of my junior year,
419
00:17:56,999 --> 00:17:59,935
and Barcelona was crawling with students.
420
00:17:59,936 --> 00:18:01,202
I...
421
00:18:01,203 --> 00:18:02,370
I was in this bar,
422
00:18:02,371 --> 00:18:03,605
and this girl comes in,
423
00:18:03,606 --> 00:18:05,407
and she was with this
really good-looking dude,
424
00:18:05,408 --> 00:18:06,408
so I thought it was her boyfriend.
425
00:18:06,409 --> 00:18:07,576
Turns out he was her gay best friend.
426
00:18:07,577 --> 00:18:10,111
And...
427
00:18:10,112 --> 00:18:11,680
He dared us to make out.
428
00:18:11,681 --> 00:18:12,681
He took up a collection.
429
00:18:12,682 --> 00:18:14,983
Oh, God, this is...
430
00:18:14,984 --> 00:18:17,519
Well, Dina said we could
unlock the memories.
431
00:18:17,520 --> 00:18:19,454
It's unhealthy to deny the past,
432
00:18:19,455 --> 00:18:20,622
especially from our partners.
433
00:18:20,623 --> 00:18:21,623
It's who we are.
434
00:18:21,624 --> 00:18:24,159
Awesome. Yeah. Keep going, honey.
435
00:18:24,160 --> 00:18:27,295
It turns out Evangeline
had, um... put him up to it.
436
00:18:27,296 --> 00:18:30,332
Please. I'm sorry, Dina.
437
00:18:30,333 --> 00:18:31,466
Evangeline?
438
00:18:31,467 --> 00:18:32,901
No one's really called Evangeline.
439
00:18:32,902 --> 00:18:34,469
At first, we would just
440
00:18:34,470 --> 00:18:36,539
steal kisses in alleys...
441
00:18:37,940 --> 00:18:40,675
Then we would walk through
town, holding hands...
442
00:18:40,676 --> 00:18:42,677
It's embarrassing how
cool I thought I was.
443
00:18:42,678 --> 00:18:44,446
I'm currently embarrassed for you,
444
00:18:44,447 --> 00:18:46,649
your telling this story.
445
00:18:48,484 --> 00:18:51,686
You know, I think I was in love with her.
446
00:18:51,687 --> 00:18:53,388
Yeah.
447
00:18:53,389 --> 00:18:54,389
I was in love with...
448
00:18:54,390 --> 00:18:56,792
I almost fucked Izzy.
449
00:19:00,963 --> 00:19:02,731
Yeah. As long as we're unlocking secrets.
450
00:19:02,732 --> 00:19:04,399
I almost fucked Izzy.
451
00:19:04,400 --> 00:19:06,334
We were right on the border, man.
452
00:19:06,335 --> 00:19:08,103
It was like on the razor's edge.
453
00:19:08,104 --> 00:19:09,204
Oh, well, you know,
454
00:19:09,205 --> 00:19:10,205
If you have unfinished business,
455
00:19:10,206 --> 00:19:11,439
by all means, be my guest.
456
00:19:11,440 --> 00:19:12,440
Well, excuse me,
457
00:19:12,441 --> 00:19:13,708
I'm the one sitting here,
458
00:19:13,709 --> 00:19:15,610
listening to your dreamy
lesbian nostalgia-gasm.
459
00:19:15,611 --> 00:19:17,278
Okay, you guys, let's not...
460
00:19:17,279 --> 00:19:19,681
Back up, Dina, okay? This is our moment.
461
00:19:19,682 --> 00:19:21,416
It's your obscenely expensive session,
462
00:19:21,417 --> 00:19:22,417
so have at it.
463
00:19:22,418 --> 00:19:24,753
Okay, since it is our session,
464
00:19:24,754 --> 00:19:26,454
can I talk about this fucking music, okay?
465
00:19:26,455 --> 00:19:28,056
This elevator music from hell.
466
00:19:28,057 --> 00:19:29,324
Is this music?
467
00:19:29,325 --> 00:19:31,292
I mean, it feels like...
468
00:19:31,293 --> 00:19:33,328
If it is, please turn it up
so I can recognize it as music,
469
00:19:33,329 --> 00:19:34,429
otherwise turn it the fuck down,
470
00:19:34,430 --> 00:19:35,630
'cause I want to skull-fuck someone
471
00:19:35,631 --> 00:19:36,631
with this Guantanamo Bay shit!
472
00:19:36,632 --> 00:19:38,634
The music is really annoying.
473
00:19:40,202 --> 00:19:41,202
Please.
474
00:19:41,203 --> 00:19:42,437
That's so sweet.
475
00:19:42,438 --> 00:19:45,073
The enemy of my enemy.
476
00:19:45,074 --> 00:19:47,342
Okay, to both of you...
477
00:19:47,343 --> 00:19:49,644
how did it end with
these respective lovers?
478
00:19:49,645 --> 00:19:51,413
Evangeline and Izzy?
479
00:19:53,015 --> 00:19:54,015
Um...
480
00:19:54,016 --> 00:19:56,017
You want to go first?
481
00:19:57,119 --> 00:19:58,653
Finish your story?
482
00:19:58,654 --> 00:20:00,355
Now, hold on just a second.
483
00:20:00,356 --> 00:20:02,023
Where is that remote?
484
00:20:02,024 --> 00:20:03,725
This just got interesting.
485
00:20:17,606 --> 00:20:18,773
Ugh...
486
00:20:18,774 --> 00:20:20,241
Hey.
487
00:20:20,242 --> 00:20:21,276
Hey, you.
488
00:20:21,277 --> 00:20:22,410
You were just really throwing it back.
489
00:20:22,411 --> 00:20:23,712
It's just a reasonable,
490
00:20:23,713 --> 00:20:27,683
moderate dose of, you know,
liquid courage, I guess.
491
00:20:29,185 --> 00:20:30,386
You look gorgeous.
492
00:20:32,254 --> 00:20:33,455
You're such a nice guy.
493
00:20:34,690 --> 00:20:36,124
My balls just ran away from my body.
494
00:20:36,125 --> 00:20:38,560
No, no, no, no. I don't mean it like that!
495
00:20:38,561 --> 00:20:41,162
I mean, like, you're The Premium Package.
496
00:20:41,163 --> 00:20:43,364
You're, like, hot enough to
be a dick and get away with it,
497
00:20:43,365 --> 00:20:44,566
but you're not.
498
00:20:46,268 --> 00:20:47,268
Okay, well,
499
00:20:47,269 --> 00:20:50,271
would it be better if I was a dick?
500
00:20:50,272 --> 00:20:52,073
If I made this, like, way harder?
501
00:20:52,074 --> 00:20:54,009
Hey, what if I was a married dick?
502
00:20:54,810 --> 00:20:56,711
Girls like you, you dig
that kind of stuff, right?
503
00:20:56,712 --> 00:20:59,114
Girls like me?
504
00:20:59,115 --> 00:21:01,683
Oh, don't pretend to be
the wounded one, okay?
505
00:21:01,684 --> 00:21:03,251
I couldn't even get you to be here
506
00:21:03,252 --> 00:21:04,252
until I shut you down.
507
00:21:04,253 --> 00:21:07,355
Shit.
508
00:21:07,356 --> 00:21:08,356
I guess...
509
00:21:08,357 --> 00:21:09,390
You do know women.
510
00:21:09,391 --> 00:21:12,794
I was raised by a mother
and two big sisters.
511
00:21:12,795 --> 00:21:13,795
Might explain
512
00:21:13,796 --> 00:21:15,797
my debilitating emotional availability.
513
00:21:15,798 --> 00:21:17,432
Yeah, you are pretty fucked up.
514
00:21:17,433 --> 00:21:18,968
Ahem.
515
00:21:20,736 --> 00:21:22,570
Iz, I'm not gonna bullshit you, okay?
516
00:21:22,571 --> 00:21:25,841
This "date" of ours...
517
00:21:28,410 --> 00:21:30,111
This has to be the beginning of us,
518
00:21:30,112 --> 00:21:33,148
like, as a couple, okay?
519
00:21:33,149 --> 00:21:34,849
For full disclosure's sake,
520
00:21:34,850 --> 00:21:39,621
I very much want it to end
with relatively sober-ish sex.
521
00:21:40,689 --> 00:21:43,491
Like, romantic sex, you know?
522
00:21:43,492 --> 00:21:46,461
I want to wake up in the morning with you,
523
00:21:46,462 --> 00:21:47,595
have you still be there.
524
00:21:47,596 --> 00:21:48,596
I want to make you breakfast.
525
00:21:48,597 --> 00:21:50,131
I want...
526
00:21:50,132 --> 00:21:51,733
I want to know the real thing with you.
527
00:21:51,734 --> 00:21:54,235
If that's not what you had in mind,
528
00:21:54,236 --> 00:21:55,203
and, you know,
529
00:21:55,204 --> 00:21:56,237
you're just luring me back in
530
00:21:56,238 --> 00:21:58,439
to prove that you can or whatever,
531
00:21:58,440 --> 00:22:01,643
let's just end it right here and now.
532
00:22:01,644 --> 00:22:03,411
Wow. Okay.
533
00:22:03,412 --> 00:22:05,313
That's, uh...
534
00:22:05,314 --> 00:22:06,848
I mean, I've let this go on
for a really long time, right?
535
00:22:06,849 --> 00:22:10,419
Like, I'm sure we could
both agree on that.
536
00:22:12,521 --> 00:22:14,155
Moment of truth, Iz...
537
00:22:14,156 --> 00:22:17,359
Like, you're all in, or I'm out.
538
00:22:28,204 --> 00:22:31,140
Is that a good sigh or a bad sigh?
539
00:22:33,542 --> 00:22:35,411
I love you so fucking much.
540
00:22:38,747 --> 00:22:39,948
I love you.
541
00:22:41,317 --> 00:22:42,684
You know that, right?
542
00:22:44,420 --> 00:22:45,620
Like a rock.
543
00:22:45,621 --> 00:22:47,623
Like a rock?
544
00:22:48,791 --> 00:22:50,993
It's, like, a '70s song.
545
00:22:52,728 --> 00:22:53,728
Don't cry.
546
00:22:53,729 --> 00:22:55,664
Please don't cry. I'm not mad.
547
00:22:56,799 --> 00:22:58,934
I'm not crying.
548
00:23:00,469 --> 00:23:02,570
So how did it end?
549
00:23:02,571 --> 00:23:03,938
I just want to know
how it ended, you know?
550
00:23:03,939 --> 00:23:05,907
I think...
551
00:23:05,908 --> 00:23:08,343
this whole thing with this...
552
00:23:08,344 --> 00:23:10,578
this girl...
553
00:23:10,579 --> 00:23:12,347
that told you her name was Evangeline...
554
00:23:12,348 --> 00:23:14,282
I wasn't fooled.
555
00:23:14,283 --> 00:23:16,517
It was part of the game.
556
00:23:16,518 --> 00:23:17,819
I told her my name was Lyric.
557
00:23:17,820 --> 00:23:18,920
You did not?
558
00:23:18,921 --> 00:23:20,355
I did.
559
00:23:20,356 --> 00:23:21,589
She bought that?
560
00:23:21,590 --> 00:23:23,125
Yeah.
561
00:23:24,593 --> 00:23:26,995
And then you just never
tried to contact her?
562
00:23:28,330 --> 00:23:29,330
I don't know.
563
00:23:29,331 --> 00:23:31,532
Summer ended. I went home.
564
00:23:31,533 --> 00:23:34,903
I just went back to being me, Emma.
565
00:23:36,238 --> 00:23:37,405
And then there was Girl Number Two?
566
00:23:37,406 --> 00:23:39,608
Mm-hmm.
567
00:23:43,846 --> 00:23:44,846
And another.
568
00:23:44,847 --> 00:23:46,481
There's other girls?
569
00:23:46,482 --> 00:23:47,949
How many girls are we talking about?
570
00:23:47,950 --> 00:23:49,484
That was it.
571
00:23:49,485 --> 00:23:50,585
I swear.
572
00:23:50,586 --> 00:23:52,921
It wasn't like that. It wasn't...
573
00:23:52,922 --> 00:23:55,023
It wasn't a thing.
574
00:23:55,024 --> 00:23:56,257
It's totally a fucking thing.
575
00:23:56,258 --> 00:23:57,425
How can you say that?
576
00:23:57,426 --> 00:23:58,426
I mean, this is...
577
00:23:58,427 --> 00:23:59,894
It just never came up.
578
00:23:59,895 --> 00:24:01,930
What is... why didn't you tell me?
579
00:24:02,998 --> 00:24:04,732
Well, how did you end it?
580
00:24:04,733 --> 00:24:06,267
With who?
581
00:24:06,268 --> 00:24:07,502
With who? With Izzy.
582
00:24:07,503 --> 00:24:08,870
Izzy's an escort.
583
00:24:08,871 --> 00:24:12,241
You don't have to end things.
You just don't call them again.
584
00:24:14,643 --> 00:24:16,344
You've had no contact
with her since the hotel?
585
00:24:16,345 --> 00:24:17,712
Like, at all?
586
00:24:17,713 --> 00:24:18,947
Why are you saying it like that?
587
00:24:18,948 --> 00:24:20,381
'Cause I'm asking you,
588
00:24:20,382 --> 00:24:22,382
have you or have you
not had contact with her?
589
00:24:23,585 --> 00:24:24,820
I...
590
00:24:25,621 --> 00:24:26,621
I saw her once.
591
00:24:26,622 --> 00:24:27,755
I saw her outside.
592
00:24:27,756 --> 00:24:28,923
I just wanted to tell her
593
00:24:28,924 --> 00:24:29,924
that I couldn't see her ever again,
594
00:24:29,925 --> 00:24:30,925
and that it was over,
595
00:24:30,926 --> 00:24:31,926
and goodbye.
596
00:24:31,927 --> 00:24:32,994
I just wanted to say goodbye.
597
00:24:32,995 --> 00:24:34,696
I was going to tell you.
598
00:24:39,401 --> 00:24:41,570
I wanted to see her, too.
599
00:24:43,772 --> 00:24:45,707
This is fucked up.
600
00:24:46,575 --> 00:24:47,575
Yeah.
601
00:24:47,576 --> 00:24:49,111
What the fuck is happening?
602
00:24:49,912 --> 00:24:51,914
I don't know.
603
00:24:59,788 --> 00:25:02,758
Are you proposing...
604
00:25:12,901 --> 00:25:13,901
Mom!
605
00:25:13,902 --> 00:25:15,336
What are you doing?
606
00:25:15,337 --> 00:25:17,071
You scared the feces out of me!
607
00:25:17,072 --> 00:25:18,639
I'm 16.
608
00:25:18,640 --> 00:25:20,508
Please just say "shit"
like everybody else.
609
00:25:20,509 --> 00:25:21,676
Language.
610
00:25:21,677 --> 00:25:22,944
What?
611
00:25:22,945 --> 00:25:25,747
"Feces" is grosser.
612
00:25:26,982 --> 00:25:28,950
Why are we spying on the Trakarskys?
613
00:25:28,951 --> 00:25:31,753
Don't be ridiculous.
614
00:25:31,754 --> 00:25:34,055
We aren't spying, honey.
615
00:25:34,056 --> 00:25:35,523
We're just...
616
00:25:35,524 --> 00:25:36,725
wondering.
617
00:25:37,960 --> 00:25:39,294
Okay.
618
00:25:56,513 --> 00:25:58,515
- So, hi.
- Hi.
619
00:25:58,701 --> 00:26:00,182
Hi.
40483
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