All language subtitles for Kate & Koji S02E03

So, these two yobs who were yelling
all this racist stuff at you,

did they have lots of tattoos of,
like, lions and tigers and bears?

Yes. Their arms looked like
advertisements for a circus.

And were they sitting on the wall
outside that boarded-up nail bar?

Yes.
With a three-legged pitbull?

Yes.
Yeah, that'll be the Carter twins.

The Carter family have plagued
this town for generations.

Their great-grandfather
got sent down

for stripping wheels
off penny-farthings...

while people were riding them.

Why don't the police ever deal
with these individuals?

Because they're scaredy-cats.

They never should have got rid
of the minimum height requirement.

So many police are shortarses now.

Last night, I saw this bloke
get pulled over for drunk driving.

It looked like he was being arrested
by Smurfs.

If you want to report
the Carter twins I'll happily...

No, thank you, Kate. Erm...

With my asylum appeal pending,
I'd better just keep my head down.

You have customers today.
That's nice.

Yeah, they're birdwatchers.

Some rare bird was spotted
behind the boarded up warehouse.

They spent nearly 30 quid
in here yesterday,

breakfast and packed lunches.

Oh, they could clear my debts if
I could just keep them coming for...

..120 more days.

That is a significant debt.

Oh...

Did the bank respond
to your loan application?

Er, I had a text
from the client liaison team.

It just said "LOL".

Do you know one thing I hate?

I know roughly 500
to 600 things so far.

It's people who call biscuits
"cookies".

Oh, that's a new one.

First, it's American, and second,
it infantilises biscuits.

Morning.

Some bloke on the bus with no mask
was coughing all over everybody.

Yeah, well, some people
don't understand

airborne transmission inside,

how the virus can be spread
by arseholes.

You mean aerosols.

Do I?

Can I use your facilities?

Yes, but don't get any on the floor.

Last time he left it looking
like the Nile Delta.

Oh, will you be requiring
more packed lunches today, darling?

No, thanks. There was no sign
of that lovely blue-throat,

so we reckon it's moved on.

Are you sure?
Maybe it's having a lie in.

No, we're packing it in.

You know, I do so envy you,

cos I love birds.

Apart from seagulls, which are scum,

but I know so little
about our feathered friends.

For instance,
this morning on my way in,

I saw this little brown bird,

quite unusual-looking,
but got no idea what it was.

Brown, you say? And small?

Lovely singer.
Just sitting on a fence post.

A warbler, maybe.

Did it look like that one?

Oh, is that a rare bird?

No.
No, it's not that one.

It was more like that one.

Yeah, that's it. Number four.

That's a moustached warbler.

Oh, is that rare?

Yeah. See, it says it there:
"Very rare."

Oh, yeah, so it does.

Normally they're in southern Europe.

One pair bred successfully
in Cambridgeshire in 1946.

Are you sure it wasn't
the sedge warbler?

No, it was definitely number four.
It was only a few feet away.

And where was this, exactly?

In the field behind
the boarded-up leisure centre.

Well, it's got to be worth a look,
hasn't it?

OK, I'll alert the group.

So, that will be two packed lunches,
then, will it?

Yeah. I'll hang on for the lunches.
I'll catch you up.

Morning. Can't stop long.
I've got a paint job.

Someone's put the words
"Thank God for that"

at the bottom of the
"You are now leaving Seagate" sign.

I saw Nick out training his dog.

Have you ever thought
about getting a dog,

Auntie, you know, bit of company?

No, if I wanted something
that peed everywhere

and humped strangers,
I'd have married again.

Apparently this
"tummy-tickling tropical taste-bomb"

is made from "super-tastic
sassy-licious Seville oranges".

Yeah, that's called "wackaging".
No, it's called drivel.

Any news on your appeal?

I'm trying not to think about it.

I'm trying not to think
about anything.

He got racially abused
by the Carter twins.

Oh, God, sorry, Koji.
Are you gonna report it?

No, best not.

OK.

He was asking after
some old family photos,

so I dug Dad's boxes out of my loft.

Oh, wow. Oh, look at that.
That's my nan doing the Hokey Cokey.

Is that the one where you put
your left leg in,

and then you take it out
and then you shake it all about,

before repeating the same procedure
with the other leg?

Yes.

To what does the "it"
in the last instruction refer?

Is it the leg,
or is it something else?

The syntax is rather imprecise.

And you've just ruined
the Hokey Cokey for me.

There you go, darling.
Plus the breakfast,

that's £30, please.

Oh, are you off to watch
that blue-throat again?

No, it's gone, but there might be
a moustached warbler.

Wow. They normally hang out
in southern Europe, don't they?

Yeah, but one pair
did successfully breed

in Cambridgeshire in 1946.

Right.

See you.

Yeah. Look, Koji,
it's his lordship, aged six,

on a caravan site in Lowestoft.

We dressed him up as Elton John.

Why did you dress me up
as Elton John?

Well, it was raining,
and we were bored.

There are some more photos
in this box.

There's Dad's medals.

Dad's ration book.

His stripes.

His gun.

His...
Whoa-whoa-whoa! His what?

His gun.
His gun?

Yeah, do you wanna have
a look at it?

No! No, thank you.

Well, calm down, ladies.

Please be careful.
Guns make me nervous.

Yeah, me too. Perhaps
it's their link with sudden death.

Oh, look, it's just a...

Put it down, OK?
Oh...

God, is it loaded?
Er, I'm not sure.

Stop waving it around.
You're frightening Iris.

Don't worry, I'm used to guns.

I shot a man once.

Killed him.

You killed a man?

Yeah. His name was Liberty Valance.

No, no.

He was terrorising the town, so I...

No, Iris, that was a movie.

It was Jimmy Stewart.
He shot Mr Valance.

You're having one
of your Jimmy Stewart days.

Am I? Oh, sorry.

I do that sometimes.

Oh, that's all right, darling,

I prefer them
to your Fred Astaire days.

Is there a safety catch
on that thing?

Oh, maybe.
Which bit's the safety catch?

Is it down near the...

Trigger?
No, and don't point it at me.

No, I'm not pointing it at anyone.

I didn't get any on the floor,
I swear!

Dear, oh, dear!

It's just a little gun,
a very old gun.

Was your father in the war?

No, he was a mafia hitman (!)

Course he was in the war.

This is his army issue weapon.

He hung on to it, that's all,
as a piece of history.

It's a weird thought, though,
isn't it?

Your dad might have shot some Nazis
with that.

I doubt it.
He didn't like loud noises.

Oh, talking of Nazis...

Oh, shoot.

Don't tempt me.

What?
Nothing.

So, Councillor Bone, what got you
out of your crypt today?

It's come to my attention

that you are the only retailer
on this parade

who is not displaying my poster
in their window.

Your poster?
Yes.

You received a poster advertising
today's gala opening

of my new
Seagate Museum of the Future.

The ribbon is being cut
by my good friend Norman Lamont.

I thought he was dead.

He is not dead.
He sits in the House of Lords.

Well, technically,
he could still be dead.

I would have thought that someone
with your massive financial problems

would be keen to promote
this new museum.

It's going to bring
a lot of money into this town.

The sooner we can level up Seagate,
the sooner we can stop it being

a dumping ground
for all the riff-raff. No offence.

Don't worry, I'm ignoring you.

No offence.

Seagate is the sleeping giant
of Essex,

and I'm going to wake him up.

STIFLES A LAUGH
Have you got a problem?

No.

Don't get in the way of the giant,
Kate, it's a very bad idea.

Ask any hobbit.

So put up that poster.

Well, as ridiculous as she is,
she is sort of right.

The museum's a good idea, isn't it?

Yeah, it's a great idea,
but unfortunately it's HER idea,

so, no poster.

Are you warm enough, Iris?

Oh, I don't mind the cold.

I once flew solo over the Atlantic

in a tiny plane
with the windows open.

Oh, wait. Was that me?

No, that was Jimmy Stewart again.

Ah, don't worry, Iris.

Nowadays nobody really cares
what's real and what isn't.

You can be whoever you wanna be.

Richard Branson thinks
he's Flash Gordon.

Prince Harry thinks he's Gandhi.

Auntie thinks she's
Machine Gun Kelly.

It is not a machine gun.

You cannot keep that damn gun
just lying around.

I bet you don't even have
a licence for it.

That is a criminal offence.

Oh, dear,
what a pair of nervous Nellies.

She can't keep a gun.
You need to have a word with her.

Of course, but, you know,

maybe I'll broach the gun
when she's not holding the gun.

This morning has been
really stressful for me.

Still, things can only get better.

Doctor.
I stand corrected.

I've been wondering...

if I might be overweight.

You can stop wondering.

So you think my body mass index
might be a bit high?

Your BMI could be deemed
as acceptable...

Right.
..if you were nine foot tall.

Everything all right, Auntie?

Oh, yeah.

I'm just plucking up the courage
to open this gas bill.

Good morning.

What can I get you?

Erm, we need some packed lunches.

Are you birdwatchers?
Yeah.

Yeah, a friend texted us to say
there was a possible sighting of...

..a moustached warbler, I know.

Of course, it is quite a shy bird,

so you might need to be very patient

and keep coming back
for a couple of days.

So what do you reckon, then, Doc?
Should I take more exercise?

Maybe some long walks.

Yes, long walks.

Very long walks, every day,
as far as possible.

I've been considering
taking up cycling.

That's a very good idea.
You can get a long way on a bicycle.

How far do you think I should cycle?

I hear Scotland is nice.

Ooh, got a touch
of frying pan elbow.

That's a recognised condition,
is it?

Yeah, it's like tennis elbow,
only for people who work.

So, as well as upping the exercise,
you think I should...

Eat less food, yes.

Cheese is all right, though, yeah?

Cheese is food.

Yeah, but it's just old milk,
isn't it?

So basically it's a drink
that's gone off.

It is your body,
but there is too much of it.

The choice is entirely yours.

You OK?

What has she done
with that stupid gun?

Oh, don't worry, she's stored it
nice and safely away

in a high security cardboard box.

I'm just waiting
for the right moment

to broach the matter.

I don't think it's now.

Koji, may I remind you
that our arrangement

is that in return for free food,

you are available to give
my customers medical advice.

Our arrangement is not
that I give you free food

so that you can advise my customers
not to buy my food.

Mr Mullholland asked for my advice.

Yes, and I think your advice
was potentially quite damaging.

Damaging?

What you told him could easily
give him body image issues.

You've changed your tune.
What?

You're always slagging off
fat people. I'm not.

You reckon obese people should be
denied treatment on the NHS.

I have heard you repeatedly say

that all hospital doors
should be narrowed

to just two feet across.

I think we're veering
off topic here.

He told Mr Mullholland to eat less.

My advice was an investment for you.

Eh?

If he dies young,
you will lose your best customer,

whereas if he lives
a long and healthy life,

you will receive his money
over a more sustained period.

Yes, but his daily spend
will be less.

So you would rather
he spent a lot quickly,

and then dropped dead?

Well, if he wants to drop dead,
that's his choice.

And you will still think that,
will you,

even when his heart is exploding,

and he's writhing
on the floor of this caff,

slowly turning blue?

I'm still here, guys.

With respect, Koji,

I think you're forgetting
your duty of care to other people.

Says the woman with a gun.

I think now is the time
to broach it.

Oh, cheers (!)

Look, the thing is, Auntie,
I went online

and the police are having
a gun amnesty...

I'm not giving away Dad's gun.

He may have been a rubbish dad,

who when he threw me up in the air
was sometimes too drunk to catch me,

but I've got precious little
to remember him by.

Besides, you're overreacting.
A gun is not dangerous if...

You know nothing about guns!

You have no idea what a gun does
to a person.

Have you ever seen someone shot dead
at point blank range?

No?

Well, I have, and that is why
I do not like being around guns.

I'm sorry, Koji.

Yeah, I'll hand it in.

I can take it up

to the police station for you,
if you like.

No, I'll do it.

It'll give me a chance
to give the police

some feedback on their performance.

You all right, Mr Mullholland?

Sorry, what?

Look, I... I didn't mean to frighten
you with the exploding heart thing.

The occasional treat wouldn't...

No, I don't want anything.

I'm going to the gym,
and then for a run.

Right, I've got the gun.

Maybe I should come with you.

No, I'll be fine.
You stay here and guard the fort.

I guarded a fort once...

..from Apaches.

Sorry, I'm being daft.

Ha! Right.
They were Cherokees.

Kate will be all right on her own,
won't she?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, course she will.
She'll be fine.

She's not stupid.

I've been arrested.

God, on what charge?
I don't know.

What, so they haven't
charged you yet?

No, it's all a big misunderstanding.

I didn't know who to call, so...

OK, OK, just tell me
exactly what happened

after you left the caff.
Leave nothing out.

Well, I was on my
way to the police station,

and on that corner
by the boarded-up amusement arcade,

I happened to encounter
the Carter twins,

so I took them to task about
their behaviour towards Koji.

They responded
with a volley of abuse

and, well, one thing led to another,
and...

Auntie, tell me you didn't shoot
the Carter twins.

Of course I didn't shoot them!

But as I happened to have
the gun in my bag...

Oh, God.

I did get it out, and sort of
slightly point it at them.

And how did they react?

Well, they went quite pale,

and the big one, I think,
may have wet himself.

You know, when I asked him
if he was feeling lucky.

Look, I know what I did
was a bit impulsive,

but... I have to say, it felt great.

OK, so the Carters reported you
for threatening them with a firearm?

Oh, God, no, they wouldn't dare.
I scared the holy crap out of them.

So that's not why you're here?
No.

So why did you tell me
all that stuff?

Well, you told me
to leave nothing out.

Oh, for God's...

OK, so you left the Carter twins?

Yeah, broken and soggy-trousered,
yeah.

And then you headed
to the police station

with the gun in your bag?

Yeah.

Then what happened?

Well, with the benefit of hindsight,

I probably shouldn't
have stopped off at the bank.

So, she took a gun into a bank.

Yeah, and, you know,
some people got a bit upset,

so, er, I spent most of yesterday
at the police station.

Oh, it was a storm in a teacup.

I merely wanted to show the cashier

those rather rude text messages
I received

from the client liaison team
about my loan application.

But my phone was in the bottom
of my bag,

so I took out the Tesco's bag.

Tesco's bag?

Yeah, the one containing Dad's gun,

and then I sensed maybe the barrel
was poking out the top of it.

You sensed it?

Yeah, I sensed it from the cashier
screaming, "She's got a gun."

So, to reassure her,
I took out the gun, you know,

to show her that it was harmless.

Oh, yes. Because they're very easy
to identify, those harmless guns (!)

Suddenly everyone's panicking,

so I told the silly mare
to stop screaming,

or someone could get hurt.

Right, and what did she say?

Well, it was, er, hard to hear,

because this huge metal screen
came crashing down.

Next thing I know, it's sirens,

and them with loudhailers
shouting at me

to throw out the gun
and to lie on the floor.

I mean, frankly...

I think that armed response unit
were quite brusque.

I might make a complaint.

I really wouldn't.

They all overreacted. This is 2022.

Nobody robs a bank with a gun
nowadays.

They do that online.

The police closed
the entire high street.

They had to cancel the gala opening
of Councillor Bone's new museum.

She was apoplectic.
She went sort of purple.

Oh, dear (!)

Did anyone film it?

Excuse me, I rang a little earlier.

Oh, six packed lunches,
all ready for you, darling.

You off birdwatching?

Yes, we're heading off
to the abandoned caravan park

behind the boarded-up
petrol station.

Someone's posted a sighting
of a whiskered tern.

Whiskered tern?

Yeah, it behaves like a black tern,
but flies more like a sea tern.

That's £38, darling.

Now, you have a great day.
Thanks.

What are you looking at?

Not sure.

Maybe extortion.

I don't know
what you're talking about.

And possibly fraud, you know,

because someone is posting
false information online.

Yeah, well, maybe that someone
is a plucky small businesswoman

who's deep in debt
due to the coronavirus, Rishi Sunak,

and idiots telling customers
to go on diets.

Well, I suppose they are gonna have
a nice day out in the fresh air.

I can't betray my old mum
by letting this place go under.

If I did that, well,
life wouldn't be worth living.

Oh, I know that feeling.

The feeling
that life's not worth living.

I felt like that once.

I stood on a bridge,
and I thought about ending it all.

Did an angel show you what the world
would be like if you'd never lived?

Yes, how did you...

Lucky guess.

Kate, could I order a salad, please?

A salad.
Yes, a salad, a green one.

Go on.

I'd like lettuce, some celery,
chopped carrots,

a few cherry tomatoes,

some cucumber, some watercress,
some rocket,

and three pork pies.

Good lad.