All language subtitles for Kate & Koji S02E02

They never look where they're going.

They're a menace.

They should not be allowed
on narrow pavements.

Italians?

Yes! It's the hand gestures.

He nearly had my eye out.

And that's not racist,
that's health and safety.

I like Italians.

Me, too. I'm very fond of Mussolini.

You're fond of Mussolini?

Yeah, in fact, most types of pasta.
Oh, for God's sake.

BELL RINGS

So? Have you heard?

Have you got your asylum decision?
No.

They said I would definitely hear
today,

like I would definitely hear
yesterday and the day before.

So... Auntie,
maybe it's best to not keep asking.

It's fine.

I've devised a regime
that keeps me calm -

yoga, meditation
and Swedish death metal.

LAUGHTER
Grub up, Iris.

Oh, have you hurt your foot?

Take a wild guess.

And he's a doctor!

You're like a one-legged,
pinafored sloth.

You are gonna need some help,
though, Auntie.

Ah, my mum ran this caff
for three years with one leg.

In the end,
she just threw food to the regulars.

Not cooked breakfasts, obviously.

She slid those across the lino.

She did have a great right arm.
If you were being naughty,

she could hit you from 20 yards away
with a rock cake.

Or a rock.

So, Usain Bolt, what did they say?
Is anything broken?

Ah, just a bad sprain.
How did you do it?

Well, just a silly slip
on one of those kerb ramps.

The pavements have got
much more dangerous

since they made them safer.
LAUGHTER

I'd help you out, but I've got a job
replacing that pub signage.

God knows why they called it the
Prince Andrew in the first place.

Plus, I absolutely promised myself

I'd finish revising my novel
by the end of the week,

the one I started during lockdown.
Have you started your copy, Koji?

I'd love to know what you think.

Well, it's...
Oh!

Look, Kate, let me help out.
I insist.

You clearly need assistance.

Oh, maybe, just for an hour.

It'll help take my mind
off this eternal waiting.

I know what that's like.

I'm still waiting
for my bacon sandwich.

Well, Koji,

I hope that puts your little problem
into perspective.

Kate, you should elevate that
and put some frozen peas on it.

Well, there's some old peas
in the top drawer of the freezer

I keep for my swollen ankles.

Do you know what?

My mum used to
swear by soaking foot injuries

in a mixture of salt,
vinegar and mustard.

What, your mum?
Mm. Who lost a leg?

Those peas aren't there.

Oh...

LAUGHTER

I probably just threw them away.

Whenever my grandad hurt himself,

he'd drink whisky
with a dash of TCP.

Yeah, a lot of these
old wives' tales work.

Yes, doctors will tell you
that these remedies are useful

because they kill the stupid people
before we have to deal with them.

Oh, this foot is really
giving me gyp.

You're not supposed to say
"gyp" any more.

Eh?

Well, it comes from "gypsy".
It's a bit offensive.

Well, if it's offensive,

how come nobody's told Tyson Fury to
stop calling himself the Gypsy King?

Well, would you tell him?

No, all this stuff gets on my tits.

Can I say that?

I think you can
because they're your tits.

Any chance of my, er...?

Yes, nearly there with one
high-quality bacon sandwich.

Well, we'll see about that.

SHE CHUCKLES

You can't just leap in and start
making top-notch sandwiches.

I mean, no offence, Koji.

I do appreciate you helping out,

but I wouldn't walk
into an operating theatre

and start rummaging around
in someone's brain.

LAUGHTER

This one's just compared making
bacon sandwiches with brain surgery.

Oh, he's got the hump
cos I haven't read his novel.

No, no, not at all.
It doesn't bother me.

Although I bet Koji's started it.

Oh, definitely, yes.

And it's, er...

it's very striking.

Astonishing, even.

A unique world.

I looked at advice
from great writers

and they all said
write about what you know.

So, you know about bubonic plague,
time travel and penguins?

LAUGHTER
Well, I didn't wanna overthink it.

Well, you succeeded.

But it's not too ambitious, is it?

I mean, I want you
to be completely honest.

Completely honest?

Well, do you know, I'd like
to finish it before I say any more.

One bacon sandwich.

You can be completely honest too.

Cor, that's actually delicious!

This could be the best
bacon sandwich I've ever had.

After yours, Kate.

LAUGHTER

Sweetheart.

That's another one of those words.

Most women don't like
to be called "sweetheart".

I made the mistake of calling
a woman "sweetheart" once.

She got very cross, said the correct
form of address was "Your Honour".

LAUGHTER

The electric have sent
another final demand.

Very insensitive of them.

Insensitive?

Yeah, I sent them a letter,
informing them I was dead.

What are you knitting, Iris?

I'm making a surprise jumper
for Koji.

He said how much he liked turquoise.

Oh, right.

No, come to think of it,
he said how much he liked turkey.

But you can't make jumpers
out of that.

I learnt the hard way.

That was magnifique,
Monsieur Escoffier.

Well, you certainly
Escoffier-ed that.

THEY LAUGH

Everything all right?
Mr Mullholland just laughed.

It was like the sun
setting in the east.

CHILDREN SHOUT

You know, I bet that's those kids
setting fire

to the wheelie bins again.
Bloody hooligans!

Yeah, you're not really supposed
to say "hooligan" any more.

It's a slur against the Irish.

It came from a bloke
called O'Houlihan.

I was very fond
of a Carmel O'Houlihan at school.

The nuns would never beat her

cos she had warts
in the shape of a crucifix.

LAUGHTER
Really?

Mm. Things were very different
back then...

in the 14th century.

So, did you find a moment
to start my novel?

I'm going to be honest with you.

I'm not going to read it.
I don't read books.

If they're any good,
they get made into films,

and if Clint Eastwood's in them,
then I go to see them.

So, how's it going, Koji?

Not as easy as you think, is it?

No, but it's nice to be doing
something useful.

Oh, dear, what went wrong there?

No, he's started making
these brilliant smoothies.

There's a choice of fruit
or a vegetable one.

What's the point
of a vegetable smoothie?

It's just compost in a glass.

It's all very well,
these fancy-dan innovations,

but have you put the rubbish out?
Yes.

Have you put the dishwasher on?
Yes.

Have you filled in

the health and safety log book?
Yes.

Cos it's best to leave that
till the end of the day.

Kate, I can stop doing this
if it upsets you.

No, doesn't upset me.

No, not at all.

Not one little bit.

So, did you not even start
Medium's novel?

I only got as far as page one, OK?

You only got to the end of page one?

No, I didn't say I got
to the end of it.

Look, I don't even read bestsellers.

I tried that what's-his-name...

Total drivel,
made absolutely no sense.

Dan Brown?
That's it.

The thing is, how do we tell Medium
that his novel is rubbish?

"Medium, your novel is rubbish"?

He did say he wanted
complete honesty.

People never mean that.

Like when Mr Kowalski asked you
to be completely honest

about the beard
he'd grown in lockdown.

Well, he did look like a cross
between Dr Harold Shipman

and a toilet brush.
LAUGHTER

But he cries all the time.
He's known for it.

Medium did say he would
particularly value my opinion.

Well, then, tell him it's brilliant.

But your friends deserve the truth,
don't they?

Do they? Do you really think that?

In that case, Koji, when I said
that you running my caff

didn't upset...
PHONE RINGS

It is.

Right.
Thank you for letting me know.

Goodbye.

What did they say?

They said...

I can claim £5,000 if I've been
in an accident that isn't my fault.

Oh!
LAUGHTER

Call up the immigration people
again.

I'm fine.

And, in fact, working here
is really keeping my mind off

how bleak and depressing it all is.

Kate, you were about to say
something about the caff.

I...

I've forgotten.

Well, any time you remember...

So, if you only got
halfway down page one...

Three quarters.

So, you didn't get as far
as the giant lizard queen?

No.

Koji, what did you put on this?

I put some honey and mustard
dressing on your salad.

Oh, get you!

Honey and mustard.

Salad.

Why did you mention
the lizard queen?

No reason.

She just has some characteristics
that might seem familiar.

Like what?

Well, she's opinionated,
never admits she's wrong,

throws a lot of people
off her planet.

Oh, is she the hero?

Just a minute. Are you saying
this lizard queen is like me?

Not entirely.

She has bazookas for arms
and a big, red, spiny tail.

LAUGHTER

PHONE BEEPS

This is them.

Well, what do you know?

Now they are going to
let me know tomorrow. Again.

KOJI SIGHS

Well, hey-ho.

At least that's another day
where they haven't said no.

Well, if they won't let you stay
and work as a doctor,

you've got a brilliant career
ahead of you as a chef.

Isn't that right?

Yes.
Yeah.

Yes.

Thank you.

Medium, do you think
Koji would like a jumper

with long sleeves or short sleeves?

Oh, I think he'd probably be fine
with both.

Good. I've run out of wool,
so that's what I've done.

LAUGHTER

Do you know,
I'm so sick of all this Tory sleaze.

Next time, I'm gonna vote
for the Conservatives.

I'm gonna take this off you
for your own good,

and the good of the country.

BELL RINGS

I don't get women having
these bubble butt implant things.

If you want a bigger bum,

eat a packet of doughnuts a day.

What the hell is that?

"Have a Great Dane"?

I got talking
to the garbage collectors,

and they said I could have it.

It had been in the window
of that pet shop that closed down.

The one that was passing off
baby rats as hamsters?

I know the sign is a bit corny,
but...

BOTH: No, I like it.

It's just, the signs that you have
at the moment aren't very... sunny.

"Children without issues welcome."

"We welcome dog owners
if you've left your dog at home."

"The morbidly obese eat
at their own risk."

But this one makes no sense.

It's a play on words between
"Great Dane" and "great day".

I know what it is,

but who would want to have
a Great Dane?

A prospective dog buyer
who preferred larger breeds.

Well, I wasn't going
to come in today,

but I was attracted by the sign.

Though I did think it said,
"Have a great day".

So, if an active volcano had a sign
saying, "Have a great day",

would you walk into that?

Probably,
cos my curiosity would be piqued.

How's the ankle, by the way?
I was there when she done it.

Yeah, they don't wanna know
about that. Anyway, Nick,

you probably want a top-up?
No, thanks. She only went and...

Tripped on a kerb. Anyway, Nick...
No, you kicked that ambulance.

LAUGHTER

It didn't have its siren on.

It was off duty, all right?

You kicked an ambulance.

Listen, I clap for the NHS
as loud as anyone.

It turned left into a minor road,

in which instance,
pedestrians have the right of way,

which was the point I was making
with my foot.

I have to say, that in a collision
between your foot

and a large, steel vehicle,
your foot is unlikely to prevail.

Yes, all right, Isaac Newton.

I expect you've got
some poncey breakfast to prepare.

Now, remember, Iris,
red door, toilet,

blue door, store cupboard.

Oh, the red door.

So, tell me,
is Iris knitting me something?

It's a jumper
with a heart on the front.

Ah, I'll pretend I like it.

How's this?

LAUGHTER

Iris, it's absolutely brilliant.

Do you think she'll believe that?

Probably.

But then she believes slug trails
are leprechaun snot.

LAUGHTER

Koji, sorry,
I know you've got loads on your mind

with waiting for your decision
and stuff,

but I'm sending my novel out
to a lot of publishers tomorrow,

so if you did have any comments,
or some cuts, maybe...

Yeah, I've got some cuts.

Page one to page 816.

Oh, so, you've read it now?
Yes.

And I definitely think
you should cut

the character
of the giant lizard queen.

In fact, I demand it.
Why?

You know why!

It's clearly based on me.

Everyone in the town will work
it out if it's published.

That's not going to happen.

That they'll work it out.

Well, I don't care.

I own copyright of myself
and you can't infringe

the intellectual property
that is myself.

But I didn't base her on you.
She's a giant lizard.

Who was educated by nuns.

That's happenstance.

And is called Kete.
LAUGHTER

All right, I'll change the name.

But what did you think other than
that? Do you think the plot works?

There's a plot?

Yes! It's post-modern.

Post-modern!
I'm not even that keen on modern.

Take modern art. Made by cretins,
bought by rich cretins.

"Cretins" is one of those words
you're not really...

Yeah, all right. Morons.
That's also one of those words.

Oh, it's a sad day
when you can't call a moron a moron.

How are you supposed to enjoy
Love Island?

LAUGHTER

Vegan dish of the day?!

People like healthy options.

Not in Seagate.
Have you seen the state of them?

Anyway, only rich people can afford
to be vegans.

Exactly. It's profitable.
Look, face facts, Auntie.

You are in financial deep water.

In fact, you are in
the Marianas Trench

of financial deep water.

The deepest point in the ocean.
You need to expand your clientele.

People who come to the caff.

Then your profits will go up and
that will placate your bank manager.

Someone who manages a...
No, I got that.

This is my face at rest.

Look, Auntie...
Oh, honestly, you two clowns!

Using my injury
to turn my old mum's caff

into some hippie, happy-clappy,

beatnik-y, Gwyneth Paltrow-y,
vagina-steaming yurt,

with its stupid cheerful dog sign.

You'll be selling sodding tofu next.

LAUGHTER

PHONE RINGS

My lawyer. This is going to be it.

Yes?

Right.
Thank you for letting me know.

May we talk about that later?

Thank you.

They've turned down my application
for asylum.

Oh, I'm so sorry, Koji.
Oh, sorry, Koji.

Well, I'd rather have you
as a British citizen than...

well, most British people.

It's fine.

Mentally, I have prepared for this.

We need to get your appeal
in quickly.

Can we not talk about this
right now, please? OK, erm...

But you can't just...

I am now ready
to talk about your novel.

Are you sure?
Very sure.

OK, er, great.

Well, don't hold back, you know.

I will smile
in the face of criticism.

That's good. With friends,
it's often easier to lie,

but with true friends,
you owe them the truth.

Right.
And I have to be

completely honest about your novel
and tell you that...

..it's absolutely brilliant.

LAUGHTER

Thanks, Koji. Oh, that is fantastic.

Erm... Do you think
the title's all right?

Yes.

The Algebra Of Destiny
is the kind of title that...

some books have.

And do you think maybe
the sex scene goes a bit too far?

No, you definitely feel for both
the astronaut and the squid.

Oh, no, I meant the other sex scene,
with the trombone.

That was, er... memorable.

I'll be thinking about that
for some time to come.

And do you know what?

As long as you like it, I don't care
if everyone else hates it.

That's a good attitude to have.

Cheers, Koji. And can I just say,

I'm in awe of your composure
in the face of adversity.

Yeah, and don't take this
the wrong way, Koji,

but I thought, if you got rejected,

then maybe, you'd lose it.
Not our Koji.

Anyway, come on, talk to your
lawyer, get going on your appeal.

I will.

And you'll need to devote
all your time to doing that,

so I suppose I'll have to take back
the running of the caff.

I could still...

No, I couldn't live with myself,
Koji,

if anything went wrong with
your appeal cos you were too busy.

No, I insist.

Oh, OK.

It's a shame because these
reminded me of being a doctor.

Am I right in thinking that you'd
really rather not have that sign?

You are, Koji.

Then I'll get rid of it for you.

Yeah, thanks, Koji.

You've got to take
your hat off to him.

I mean, he took that so calmly.

As cool as a cucumber.

Yeah, yeah, it'll probably hit him
later on.

Yeah, that's true.

There's sometimes
a delayed reaction, isn't there?

Yeah, yeah.

I hope he's all right.
Mm.

BELL RINGS

I got rid of it.

Ah, cheers.

Oh, Koji, I've made you something
I hope will cheer you up.

No need. I'm very cheerful.

Though what I would really like
is a jumper.

It is a jumper!

And because you're a doctor,
I knitted a heart on the front.

LAUGHTER

And on the back,
there's two lungs and the kidneys.

What do you think?
Be completely honest.

Iris, it's absolutely brilliant.

LAUGHTER