Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:00,042 --> 00:00:02,628
Subs by kinglouisxx
for www.addic7ed.com
2
00:00:04,213 --> 00:00:05,756
Morning.
3
00:00:05,881 --> 00:00:08,008
You still mad at me for putting
you back in public school?
4
00:00:08,033 --> 00:00:08,984
I'd love to talk,
5
00:00:09,009 --> 00:00:10,719
but my bullies don't like
to be kept waiting.
6
00:00:10,844 --> 00:00:12,679
They get cranky when they have
to rush through their insults
7
00:00:12,804 --> 00:00:13,931
to get to the hitting.
8
00:00:15,849 --> 00:00:18,518
Oh, there's a child who still loves me.
9
00:00:18,644 --> 00:00:19,937
You still love me, right?
10
00:00:20,062 --> 00:00:22,064
I do for a dollar.
11
00:00:22,189 --> 00:00:24,942
I do for a dollar.
12
00:00:25,067 --> 00:00:27,861
Uh, you're teaching her
to exchange love for money?
13
00:00:27,986 --> 00:00:29,988
You know, that ends with her
hanging out at a truck stop,
14
00:00:30,113 --> 00:00:31,657
and not because she's driving.
15
00:00:32,783 --> 00:00:34,284
I have to go potty.
16
00:00:34,409 --> 00:00:37,955
Okay. Now, remember how much
toilet paper we use?
17
00:00:38,080 --> 00:00:39,122
This much.
18
00:00:40,249 --> 00:00:42,292
That much.
19
00:00:43,502 --> 00:00:46,797
So, being back in public school
isn't going so great?
20
00:00:46,922 --> 00:00:47,798
On the contrary.
21
00:00:47,923 --> 00:00:49,091
It's a real treat being the kid
22
00:00:49,216 --> 00:00:50,425
who left to go to magnet school
23
00:00:50,550 --> 00:00:52,386
and then had to come crawling back.
24
00:00:52,511 --> 00:00:55,222
In hindsight, maybe
my last morning announcement
25
00:00:55,347 --> 00:00:57,224
on the PA system shouldn't have been,
26
00:00:57,349 --> 00:01:01,186
"It's Taco Tuesday with
a side of kiss my ass, losers!"
27
00:01:01,311 --> 00:01:05,023
Man, you're a sitting duck in gym class.
28
00:01:05,148 --> 00:01:06,984
Especially dodgeball.
29
00:01:07,109 --> 00:01:08,652
I loved that game.
30
00:01:08,777 --> 00:01:11,530
We had one kid,
we used to bean him so much,
31
00:01:11,655 --> 00:01:14,783
he had a bald spot on the back
of his head from running away.
32
00:01:16,118 --> 00:01:19,746
And the shame of that has never left me.
33
00:01:19,871 --> 00:01:21,164
You know, the best part is,
34
00:01:21,290 --> 00:01:23,542
I'm back in a school
with an 80% less chance
35
00:01:23,667 --> 00:01:25,002
of me getting a scholarship.
36
00:01:25,127 --> 00:01:26,503
There's gotta be another way.
37
00:01:26,628 --> 00:01:28,755
You should just drop out
and do homeschooling.
38
00:01:28,880 --> 00:01:30,257
Then you won't be forced
39
00:01:30,382 --> 00:01:33,093
to have all those life-saving vaccines
40
00:01:33,218 --> 00:01:35,137
and you can make up
your own scientific theories
41
00:01:35,262 --> 00:01:37,014
like your favorite athletes.
42
00:01:37,139 --> 00:01:38,974
Let me guess, since I'm home anyway,
43
00:01:39,099 --> 00:01:40,851
I can watch your kid
while you're in class?
44
00:01:40,976 --> 00:01:43,103
Well, there's a happy accident!
45
00:01:43,228 --> 00:01:45,397
I thought Emilio watched Beverly Rose
46
00:01:45,522 --> 00:01:47,190
while you were in class.
47
00:01:47,316 --> 00:01:49,318
His girlfriend's father
is in the hospital,
48
00:01:49,443 --> 00:01:52,029
so he went with her to be supportive.
49
00:01:52,154 --> 00:01:54,573
I should have had a baby
with an inconsiderate jerk.
50
00:01:54,698 --> 00:01:57,409
You know, like Darlene did.
51
00:01:57,534 --> 00:01:59,411
Can you watch Beverly Rose?
52
00:01:59,536 --> 00:02:00,537
In the hardware store?
53
00:02:00,662 --> 00:02:02,622
We had a broken bag of bird seed,
54
00:02:02,748 --> 00:02:06,126
and the rats were running around
like it's a Vegas buffet.
55
00:02:06,251 --> 00:02:09,629
I could give her a mallet.
She could play whack-a-mole.
56
00:02:09,755 --> 00:02:11,131
- Jackie?
- No, I don't know.
57
00:02:11,256 --> 00:02:12,841
There's gonna be a mob at The Lunch Box.
58
00:02:12,966 --> 00:02:15,218
It's the day we give 10% off
to the seniors.
59
00:02:15,344 --> 00:02:16,386
That won't work.
60
00:02:16,511 --> 00:02:17,596
Beverly Rose is in that phase
61
00:02:17,721 --> 00:02:19,890
where she's telling everybody
how they smell.
62
00:02:20,015 --> 00:02:22,100
And it's very hurtful.
63
00:02:22,225 --> 00:02:24,144
Come on, Darlene.
64
00:02:24,269 --> 00:02:25,771
I watched your kids.
65
00:02:25,896 --> 00:02:28,231
They only got away from me
once at the mall,
66
00:02:28,357 --> 00:02:31,151
and then I found them
right away in the park.
67
00:02:31,276 --> 00:02:34,905
How they crossed that
busy highway, I have no idea.
68
00:02:35,030 --> 00:02:36,156
I can't.
69
00:02:36,281 --> 00:02:39,117
I'm taking my last personal day
to look for a new place.
70
00:02:39,242 --> 00:02:40,869
So you're actually moving out?
71
00:02:40,994 --> 00:02:43,622
She wants to be independent from men.
72
00:02:43,747 --> 00:02:45,874
And as a man with an overcrowded house,
73
00:02:45,999 --> 00:02:48,585
I say, "Yaas, queen!"
74
00:02:51,088 --> 00:02:53,256
Can't you just miss one day of class?
75
00:02:53,382 --> 00:02:54,591
I already missed two,
76
00:02:54,716 --> 00:02:57,511
and if I miss another one,
I get an Incomplete.
77
00:02:57,636 --> 00:02:59,805
I guess I'll just have to
bring her to class.
78
00:02:59,930 --> 00:03:02,099
Here's what you do...
and I've seen this work...
79
00:03:02,224 --> 00:03:04,309
you find two more kids,
you stack them on each other.
80
00:03:04,434 --> 00:03:06,061
You stick Beverly Rose on top of them
81
00:03:06,186 --> 00:03:08,063
with a floor-length
trench coat and a hat,
82
00:03:08,188 --> 00:03:09,689
stick a mustache on her.
83
00:03:09,815 --> 00:03:11,775
You saw that in
"The Little Rascals" movie.
84
00:03:11,900 --> 00:03:14,486
And it worked! Cop ran right by 'em!
85
00:03:17,280 --> 00:03:21,368
04x12 - Hot For Teacher
and Writing a Wrong
86
00:04:03,493 --> 00:04:07,080
Now, remember, Mommy is in class,
87
00:04:07,205 --> 00:04:12,919
so you have to be very quiet
and watch your video, okay?
88
00:04:17,466 --> 00:04:19,384
Okay, today we're gonna talk about
89
00:04:19,509 --> 00:04:22,012
the real reason you all
took Abnormal Psych...
90
00:04:22,137 --> 00:04:23,930
serial killers.
91
00:04:24,055 --> 00:04:27,893
Now, odds are, there's probably
one in this very classroom.
92
00:04:28,018 --> 00:04:29,936
I know who my money's on.
93
00:04:31,646 --> 00:04:34,316
♪ Old MacDonald had a farm ♪
94
00:04:34,441 --> 00:04:36,568
♪ E-I-E-I-O ♪
95
00:04:36,693 --> 00:04:39,488
♪ And on his farm, he had a cow ♪
96
00:04:39,613 --> 00:04:42,032
♪ E-I-E-I-O ♪
97
00:04:42,157 --> 00:04:45,118
Sorry, I was just thinking about
that serial killer farmer
98
00:04:45,243 --> 00:04:47,496
who made a wheelbarrow out of a fat guy.
99
00:04:47,621 --> 00:04:50,290
Looks like we have a new student here.
100
00:04:51,249 --> 00:04:52,751
I am so sorry.
101
00:04:52,876 --> 00:04:54,211
All my childcare fell through.
102
00:04:54,336 --> 00:04:55,795
I didn't know what else to do.
103
00:04:55,921 --> 00:04:58,548
It's okay. She's probably the
only one who did the reading.
104
00:05:00,342 --> 00:05:02,177
Well, hello, Beverly Rose.
105
00:05:02,302 --> 00:05:03,887
My name's Professor Glen.
106
00:05:04,012 --> 00:05:06,097
You mom's told me how smart you are.
107
00:05:06,223 --> 00:05:07,891
Would you like to
help me teach the class?
108
00:05:08,016 --> 00:05:09,768
Yes.
109
00:05:09,893 --> 00:05:10,977
Is that okay, Becky?
110
00:05:11,102 --> 00:05:13,230
Okay by me if it's okay with you.
111
00:05:13,355 --> 00:05:14,189
It'll be fun.
112
00:05:14,314 --> 00:05:15,357
She can help me with an experiment.
113
00:05:15,482 --> 00:05:17,359
You think she'd mind
a mild electric shock?
114
00:05:17,484 --> 00:05:18,401
What?
115
00:05:18,527 --> 00:05:19,653
Kidding.
116
00:05:19,778 --> 00:05:21,112
We can't do that in the US anymore,
117
00:05:21,238 --> 00:05:23,448
but thank God for science,
there's international waters.
118
00:05:24,908 --> 00:05:26,701
Okay, you ready?
119
00:05:26,826 --> 00:05:29,579
Here we go. Oh.
120
00:05:29,704 --> 00:05:34,501
Everybody, please say hello
to my new TA, Beverly Rose.
121
00:05:34,626 --> 00:05:36,044
- Hi.
- Hi, Beverly Rose.
122
00:05:36,169 --> 00:05:37,754
Okay, now.
123
00:05:37,879 --> 00:05:39,673
Can you draw a triangle?
124
00:05:39,798 --> 00:05:40,715
I don't know.
125
00:05:40,840 --> 00:05:41,967
Let's try it.
126
00:05:42,092 --> 00:05:44,886
All you got to do is
connect the dots, okay?
127
00:05:45,011 --> 00:05:48,390
There you go.
128
00:05:48,515 --> 00:05:49,641
Yep.
129
00:05:49,766 --> 00:05:51,226
Ohp.
130
00:05:51,351 --> 00:05:52,811
Yep. Yep.
131
00:05:52,936 --> 00:05:54,062
There you go.
132
00:05:54,187 --> 00:05:57,190
Now, as Beverly Rose
has clearly illustrated,
133
00:05:57,315 --> 00:05:59,985
psychopathy, narcissism,
and Machiavellianism
134
00:06:00,110 --> 00:06:03,613
are the three personality traits
that make up the dark triad.
135
00:06:03,738 --> 00:06:05,532
And give it up for Beverly Rose!
Come on!
136
00:06:08,285 --> 00:06:10,245
So let's get back to Old MacDonald.
137
00:06:10,370 --> 00:06:13,456
Can anybody here think of
any other children's songs
138
00:06:13,582 --> 00:06:15,125
that might apply to abnormal psych?
139
00:06:15,250 --> 00:06:16,293
Uh...
140
00:06:16,418 --> 00:06:17,460
Becky?
141
00:06:17,586 --> 00:06:19,004
Well, it's not a song,
142
00:06:19,129 --> 00:06:23,592
but, uh, Humpty Dumpty clearly
suffered from suicidal ideation.
143
00:06:23,717 --> 00:06:26,177
I mean, he was an egg up on a wall.
144
00:06:26,303 --> 00:06:27,512
Obviously, he was a jumper.
145
00:06:29,139 --> 00:06:30,932
If you found Humpty with
a half a fifth of Scotch
146
00:06:31,057 --> 00:06:32,767
and an empty bottle of pills,
you wouldn't call
147
00:06:32,892 --> 00:06:35,061
all the king's horses
and all the king's men.
148
00:06:35,186 --> 00:06:36,521
You'd hit him up with some NARCAN,
149
00:06:36,646 --> 00:06:37,897
put him back in the carton,
150
00:06:38,023 --> 00:06:39,983
and wait till the ambulance got there.
151
00:06:43,820 --> 00:06:45,530
Hey, you here to get
the rest of your stuff
152
00:06:45,655 --> 00:06:46,823
to take to Aldo's?
153
00:06:46,948 --> 00:06:48,074
Yep.
154
00:06:48,199 --> 00:06:50,785
Well, I'll say it so that
you don't have to.
155
00:06:50,910 --> 00:06:52,579
"I've missed you every day, Mom.
156
00:06:52,704 --> 00:06:55,624
Not just your wisdom
or your reassuring presence,
157
00:06:55,749 --> 00:06:57,500
but the warmth that radiates from you
158
00:06:57,626 --> 00:06:58,627
like a second sun."
159
00:07:00,086 --> 00:07:01,588
Thought you'd enjoy that.
160
00:07:02,922 --> 00:07:05,759
So I heard you pulled Mark
out of the magnet school.
161
00:07:05,884 --> 00:07:07,344
What'd the little prince do?
162
00:07:07,469 --> 00:07:10,513
Shank a stupid kid with
his National Honor Society pin?
163
00:07:10,639 --> 00:07:13,892
No, he was taking
Logan's ADHD medication.
164
00:07:14,017 --> 00:07:15,727
Whoa, t-that's terrible.
165
00:07:15,852 --> 00:07:17,437
We should check his room
to see if he's hiding any.
166
00:07:17,562 --> 00:07:20,148
Don't bother. He gave it all to me.
167
00:07:20,273 --> 00:07:22,567
If they were mine,
you would have never found them.
168
00:07:22,692 --> 00:07:24,569
Yeah, well, he just used them to study.
169
00:07:24,694 --> 00:07:26,154
If I knew you were gonna do that,
170
00:07:26,279 --> 00:07:28,365
I would have sprinkled them
on your cereal.
171
00:07:32,744 --> 00:07:34,579
I'm gonna have to blame that on you.
172
00:07:38,416 --> 00:07:39,876
Whoa.
173
00:07:40,001 --> 00:07:41,670
This is $500.
174
00:07:41,795 --> 00:07:45,423
Oh, my God! That's where I put it!
175
00:07:45,548 --> 00:07:47,842
Where did Mark get this kind of money?
176
00:07:47,967 --> 00:07:50,261
Oh, looks like your perfect little boy
177
00:07:50,387 --> 00:07:52,889
graduated from drug user to drug dealer.
178
00:07:53,014 --> 00:07:56,351
He said he'd do anything
to get money for college,
179
00:07:56,476 --> 00:07:58,019
but I can't believe he's doing this.
180
00:07:58,144 --> 00:08:00,271
Yeah, and it doesn't make any sense.
181
00:08:00,397 --> 00:08:02,273
If you're already making money
selling drugs to kids,
182
00:08:02,399 --> 00:08:03,441
why would you go to college?
183
00:08:03,566 --> 00:08:05,026
You've already got a career.
184
00:08:09,155 --> 00:08:10,657
Come on, Darlene.
185
00:08:10,782 --> 00:08:12,742
Mark's not the kind of kid
who deals drugs.
186
00:08:12,867 --> 00:08:14,536
What else is he doing
to make that kind of money?
187
00:08:14,661 --> 00:08:15,662
You gotta talk to him.
188
00:08:15,787 --> 00:08:18,289
I'm going to, but he lied
about taking the pills.
189
00:08:18,415 --> 00:08:19,749
He's gonna lie about this,
190
00:08:19,874 --> 00:08:21,418
and if I accuse him and I'm wrong,
191
00:08:21,543 --> 00:08:23,628
then it's just gonna
split us even further apart.
192
00:08:23,753 --> 00:08:24,838
Oh, back in my cop days,
193
00:08:24,963 --> 00:08:27,882
we had one guaranteed way
to get the truth.
194
00:08:28,007 --> 00:08:29,926
It... Well, but it's a whole...
195
00:08:30,051 --> 00:08:32,095
You gotta get
a pit bull and a blindfold.
196
00:08:32,220 --> 00:08:33,555
Geez.
197
00:08:33,680 --> 00:08:36,975
Jackie, Mark is
your greatnephew who you love.
198
00:08:37,100 --> 00:08:38,643
Okay, no blindfold.
199
00:08:38,768 --> 00:08:39,894
It's actually more effective
200
00:08:40,019 --> 00:08:41,938
when you see the pit bull coming.
201
00:08:43,189 --> 00:08:44,232
You're off the case.
202
00:08:44,357 --> 00:08:45,692
Damn it.
203
00:08:45,817 --> 00:08:48,027
Have either of you
seen anything suspicious?
204
00:08:48,153 --> 00:08:50,822
Okay, maybe this is nothing,
but now that I think about it,
205
00:08:50,947 --> 00:08:52,657
the last couple of weeks
while you were at work,
206
00:08:52,782 --> 00:08:55,076
there's been kids I've
never seen before coming by.
207
00:08:55,201 --> 00:08:56,202
Oh, man.
208
00:08:56,327 --> 00:08:57,954
When I drove Mark home
from school today,
209
00:08:58,079 --> 00:09:00,498
there was an older kid waiting for him.
210
00:09:00,623 --> 00:09:02,167
Wait, so the kid that I just
211
00:09:02,292 --> 00:09:04,169
confiscated a bunch of pills from
212
00:09:04,294 --> 00:09:06,504
now has a waiting line of randos
dropping by,
213
00:09:06,629 --> 00:09:08,423
and neither of you thought
just to, oh, mention it?
214
00:09:08,548 --> 00:09:11,801
Hey, you're the one raising
the little Scarface.
215
00:09:11,926 --> 00:09:13,261
Don't blame it on us.
216
00:09:13,386 --> 00:09:15,138
I gotta go.
217
00:09:15,263 --> 00:09:16,389
See?
218
00:09:16,514 --> 00:09:18,767
This is why I quit the force.
219
00:09:18,892 --> 00:09:21,352
I couldn't handle watching
promising young people
220
00:09:21,478 --> 00:09:23,021
go down the wrong path.
221
00:09:23,146 --> 00:09:25,190
You shot yourself in the leg
with your own gun
222
00:09:25,315 --> 00:09:27,442
and fell down a flight of stairs.
223
00:09:27,567 --> 00:09:30,737
In despair over the young people.
224
00:09:32,405 --> 00:09:33,948
God.
225
00:09:37,994 --> 00:09:39,746
My professor is this brilliant guy
226
00:09:39,871 --> 00:09:43,374
with this dark sense of humor,
so I was surprised to see
227
00:09:43,500 --> 00:09:46,628
how sweet he was
with Beverly Rose today.
228
00:09:46,753 --> 00:09:48,588
The only way I could get her
to leave the classroom
229
00:09:48,713 --> 00:09:50,673
was by promising her we'd see a horse.
230
00:09:50,799 --> 00:09:52,342
There aren't any horses in Lanford.
231
00:09:52,467 --> 00:09:56,054
That's why I drove really fast
by that chunky golden retriever
232
00:09:56,179 --> 00:09:57,555
and yelled "Pony!"
233
00:09:58,848 --> 00:10:01,267
Yeah, part of it is that Glen's single
234
00:10:01,392 --> 00:10:02,894
and he doesn't have any kids.
235
00:10:03,019 --> 00:10:04,521
He'd probably make a great dad.
236
00:10:04,646 --> 00:10:06,606
- Don't you do it.
- Do what?
237
00:10:06,731 --> 00:10:08,900
Don't be hot for teacher.
We've all been there.
238
00:10:09,025 --> 00:10:11,444
My training officer, Hank the Tank,
239
00:10:11,569 --> 00:10:14,155
he was teaching me how to
drive in a high-speed pursuit
240
00:10:14,280 --> 00:10:16,783
and we started going at it
like two cats in heat.
241
00:10:16,908 --> 00:10:17,909
Next thing you know,
242
00:10:18,034 --> 00:10:19,619
we're in our underwear
on the hood of the car.
243
00:10:19,744 --> 00:10:21,663
Put on quite a show for the dash cam.
244
00:10:22,997 --> 00:10:24,290
Uh, you forgot to put one on my head.
245
00:10:24,415 --> 00:10:25,333
Oh, yeah. Sorry.
246
00:10:25,458 --> 00:10:26,668
But my point is,
247
00:10:26,793 --> 00:10:29,420
he got demoted for abuse of rank
248
00:10:29,546 --> 00:10:32,632
and I got a bad rep for
sleeping my way to the middle.
249
00:10:32,757 --> 00:10:35,051
You're way ahead of me.
250
00:10:35,176 --> 00:10:39,264
Yeah, okay, I like him,
but I don't know if he likes me.
251
00:10:39,389 --> 00:10:42,183
I mean, we laugh
in our advisor meetings.
252
00:10:42,308 --> 00:10:44,269
We have these amazing, deep talks
253
00:10:44,394 --> 00:10:46,813
that I can't have with anybody else.
254
00:10:46,938 --> 00:10:49,190
Has he given you any obvious clues?
255
00:10:49,315 --> 00:10:51,776
Just little comments he makes
on my papers.
256
00:10:51,901 --> 00:10:52,902
Like what?
257
00:10:53,027 --> 00:10:55,154
Uh, "Great job." "You're a star."
258
00:10:55,280 --> 00:10:57,615
That's nice. That doesn't mean anything.
259
00:10:57,740 --> 00:10:59,576
True, I am a star.
260
00:11:00,618 --> 00:11:02,787
One day, I turned a paper in late
261
00:11:02,912 --> 00:11:05,039
because I missed class,
and he wrote he missed me.
262
00:11:05,164 --> 00:11:07,292
"Missed" could be platonic.
263
00:11:07,417 --> 00:11:09,544
I mean, I miss Kenny Rogers Roasters,
264
00:11:09,669 --> 00:11:10,628
but I wouldn't date him.
265
00:11:10,753 --> 00:11:11,671
What else you got?
266
00:11:11,796 --> 00:11:14,090
Uh... how about this?
267
00:11:14,215 --> 00:11:16,384
"I love the way your brain works."
268
00:11:16,509 --> 00:11:18,928
He used the word "love"?
269
00:11:19,053 --> 00:11:22,223
Good God! Hot pants!
Get out of that class!
270
00:11:22,348 --> 00:11:24,225
You actually think he's into me?
271
00:11:24,350 --> 00:11:27,812
You have deep talks. You laugh together.
272
00:11:27,937 --> 00:11:30,815
He writes flirty little notes
on your papers.
273
00:11:30,940 --> 00:11:33,318
Hot pants!
274
00:11:33,443 --> 00:11:35,528
Okay.
275
00:11:35,653 --> 00:11:37,655
Now it's real.
276
00:11:37,780 --> 00:11:39,449
That's exciting,
277
00:11:39,574 --> 00:11:42,160
but it also sucks, because you're right.
278
00:11:42,285 --> 00:11:46,039
It could ruin his career,
and how could you resist this?
279
00:11:46,164 --> 00:11:47,665
What are you gonna do?
280
00:11:47,790 --> 00:11:52,670
I have to drop his class
and find another advisor
281
00:11:52,795 --> 00:11:54,756
before something gets out of hand.
282
00:11:54,881 --> 00:11:55,965
Yeah, that's the smart move.
283
00:11:56,090 --> 00:11:57,842
That's what I was gonna do
with Hank the Tank,
284
00:11:57,967 --> 00:12:00,428
but then he got caught
stealing money from the mob
285
00:12:00,553 --> 00:12:02,680
and he hit the road...
286
00:12:02,805 --> 00:12:04,766
when they threw him off an overpass.
287
00:12:06,976 --> 00:12:08,144
Did you bring the money?
288
00:12:08,269 --> 00:12:09,354
Do I have to pay you up front?
289
00:12:09,479 --> 00:12:10,980
That's the way it works.
290
00:12:15,777 --> 00:12:17,654
You sure your essay's gonna
get me into the college I want?
291
00:12:17,779 --> 00:12:20,573
Trust me, I've been preparing
for this all my life.
292
00:12:20,698 --> 00:12:22,742
Admissions people love
pain and suffering.
293
00:12:22,867 --> 00:12:24,494
They want to hear about
your heroic struggle
294
00:12:24,619 --> 00:12:26,621
to overcome all your
heartbreaking problems.
295
00:12:26,746 --> 00:12:29,082
Dyslexia, broken home,
dead parents, all that crap.
296
00:12:29,207 --> 00:12:30,541
So what do you got?
297
00:12:30,667 --> 00:12:34,003
Uh... I'm lactose intolerant.
298
00:12:34,128 --> 00:12:35,380
That's it?
299
00:12:35,505 --> 00:12:37,423
Okay, um...
300
00:12:37,548 --> 00:12:40,051
I'm hearing the tragic tale
301
00:12:40,176 --> 00:12:42,720
of a desperately lonely young man
302
00:12:42,845 --> 00:12:44,847
whose diseased gut clenched with fear
303
00:12:44,973 --> 00:12:47,016
every time he heard the bells
of an ice cream truck.
304
00:12:48,017 --> 00:12:50,269
Did you have to go through
any painful medical procedures?
305
00:12:50,395 --> 00:12:51,562
Uh, no.
306
00:12:51,688 --> 00:12:55,316
I just take a lactase chewable
before I eat dairy.
307
00:12:55,441 --> 00:12:57,235
No, no, you don't.
308
00:12:57,360 --> 00:13:00,071
You suffer the social anxiety
309
00:13:00,196 --> 00:13:02,699
of being different than everybody else
310
00:13:02,824 --> 00:13:05,994
and battle loneliness
and isolation as a result,
311
00:13:06,119 --> 00:13:09,122
but you persevered to become...
312
00:13:09,247 --> 00:13:11,249
the treasurer of the origami club?
313
00:13:11,374 --> 00:13:13,710
You're killing me here.
314
00:13:13,835 --> 00:13:16,004
Okay, well, I'll call you
when I have something.
315
00:13:16,129 --> 00:13:18,214
Go fold yourself a swan.
316
00:13:21,384 --> 00:13:23,428
Hi, I'm Mark's mom. Who are you?
317
00:13:23,553 --> 00:13:24,470
I'm Tyler.
318
00:13:24,595 --> 00:13:25,888
Oh, nice to meet you, Tyler.
319
00:13:26,014 --> 00:13:28,141
You want to give me the pills,
or should I call the police?
320
00:13:28,266 --> 00:13:29,225
What?
321
00:13:29,350 --> 00:13:30,768
I know you've got pills in your pocket.
322
00:13:30,893 --> 00:13:31,936
Give them to me. Now!
323
00:13:32,061 --> 00:13:33,271
But I... I need these.
324
00:13:33,396 --> 00:13:35,273
No, you don't. You just think you do.
325
00:13:35,398 --> 00:13:37,108
No, I really do.
326
00:13:37,233 --> 00:13:39,444
You don't want to know
what happens if I don't.
327
00:13:39,569 --> 00:13:42,280
Ask my brother.
He shares a room with me.
328
00:13:42,405 --> 00:13:44,073
Listen to yourself.
329
00:13:44,198 --> 00:13:46,117
You are whacked out of your mind.
330
00:13:46,242 --> 00:13:49,120
Go home, tell your parents
you have a problem,
331
00:13:49,245 --> 00:13:50,455
and get some help.
332
00:13:50,580 --> 00:13:53,082
You can beat this, Tyler. Come on.
333
00:13:54,417 --> 00:13:57,003
I just met Tyler.
What the hell are you thinking?
334
00:13:57,128 --> 00:13:58,796
I told you.
I'm gonna do whatever it takes.
335
00:13:58,921 --> 00:14:00,006
I need money for college.
336
00:14:00,131 --> 00:14:01,799
Oh, and that makes it okay
to sell drugs?
337
00:14:01,924 --> 00:14:04,260
What are you talking about?
I'm not selling drugs.
338
00:14:04,385 --> 00:14:06,137
Oh, really? What are these?
339
00:14:06,262 --> 00:14:09,807
Pills for lactose intolerance.
Tyler can't eat dairy.
340
00:14:09,932 --> 00:14:12,143
Whoops.
341
00:14:12,268 --> 00:14:14,896
But... Look, if you're not
dealing drugs,
342
00:14:15,021 --> 00:14:16,522
then how did you make this?
343
00:14:16,647 --> 00:14:18,357
You searched my room?
344
00:14:18,483 --> 00:14:20,943
No, I was putting away laundry
in your room,
345
00:14:21,069 --> 00:14:24,238
and then Harris came in
and broke your picture frame.
346
00:14:25,907 --> 00:14:27,992
I made that money
writing college admission essays
347
00:14:28,117 --> 00:14:29,619
for kids from my old magnet school
348
00:14:29,744 --> 00:14:31,245
who are too stupid to write their own.
349
00:14:31,370 --> 00:14:32,538
That's why Tyler was here.
350
00:14:32,663 --> 00:14:34,999
Well, that's wrong, too. It's unethical.
351
00:14:35,124 --> 00:14:36,501
Yeah, but it's not illegal.
352
00:14:36,626 --> 00:14:38,753
Tutors help kids with
their essays all the time.
353
00:14:38,878 --> 00:14:40,630
They don't write them.
354
00:14:40,755 --> 00:14:41,881
Because of what you're doing,
355
00:14:42,006 --> 00:14:44,133
rich magnet school kids
are getting into colleges
356
00:14:44,258 --> 00:14:45,968
while some more deserving kids aren't.
357
00:14:46,094 --> 00:14:48,930
Yeah, I'm one of those
more deserving kids,
358
00:14:49,055 --> 00:14:51,307
and I'm going to keep
taking advantage of these idiots
359
00:14:51,432 --> 00:14:54,602
until I have enough money to
go to one of these colleges, too.
360
00:14:54,727 --> 00:14:56,979
And your snooping is forcing me
to do something
361
00:14:57,105 --> 00:14:58,898
that no Conner has ever done.
362
00:14:59,023 --> 00:15:00,566
I'm gonna go open a savings account.
363
00:15:09,992 --> 00:15:11,285
Hey.
364
00:15:11,410 --> 00:15:13,037
This is a nice surprise.
365
00:15:13,162 --> 00:15:14,580
Were we supposed to meet today?
366
00:15:14,705 --> 00:15:17,166
No, but I need to talk to you.
367
00:15:17,291 --> 00:15:19,502
I'm all ears. Get 'em from my father.
368
00:15:19,627 --> 00:15:21,671
Better than my mother. She was all nose.
369
00:15:21,796 --> 00:15:25,508
So, uh... what's up?
370
00:15:27,093 --> 00:15:28,845
I need to transfer out of your class
371
00:15:28,970 --> 00:15:31,097
and take it with another professor.
372
00:15:31,222 --> 00:15:34,517
Well, there's two problems with that.
373
00:15:34,642 --> 00:15:36,435
One, this course is a requirement
374
00:15:36,561 --> 00:15:38,688
and I'm the only one who teaches it.
375
00:15:38,813 --> 00:15:41,524
And two, you're doing great
in this class.
376
00:15:41,649 --> 00:15:43,484
Why would you want to transfer?
377
00:15:43,609 --> 00:15:46,195
Because I have feelings for you,
378
00:15:46,320 --> 00:15:49,699
and if I'm reading
my graded papers correctly,
379
00:15:49,824 --> 00:15:53,327
I think you might have
feelings for me, too,
380
00:15:53,452 --> 00:15:56,831
unless I've misread this whole thing,
381
00:15:56,956 --> 00:16:00,668
in which case, I hope
you have a very tiny stroke
382
00:16:00,793 --> 00:16:04,213
that just kills this memory.
383
00:16:04,338 --> 00:16:07,258
It took a lot of courage
to tell me that.
384
00:16:07,383 --> 00:16:09,635
I'll try to be just as brave.
385
00:16:10,803 --> 00:16:14,307
Don't tell anyone,
'cause I'll deny it if you do...
386
00:16:14,432 --> 00:16:15,892
I have feelings for you, too.
387
00:16:16,017 --> 00:16:18,352
But you didn't hear it from me.
388
00:16:18,477 --> 00:16:20,730
I knew you liked me!
389
00:16:20,855 --> 00:16:22,607
Shh, shh. Maybe we keep our voices down
390
00:16:22,732 --> 00:16:25,568
to a non-career-ending level.
391
00:16:25,693 --> 00:16:29,405
Sorry. I just really enjoy being right.
392
00:16:30,489 --> 00:16:33,367
I know you can get fired for dating me.
393
00:16:33,492 --> 00:16:35,703
And I'm worried about
what this could do to you, too.
394
00:16:35,828 --> 00:16:36,913
I mean, the students would hate you
395
00:16:37,038 --> 00:16:39,165
for getting their
favorite professor fired.
396
00:16:40,917 --> 00:16:42,418
So what do we do?
397
00:16:42,543 --> 00:16:45,213
Easy. The only thing we can do.
398
00:16:45,338 --> 00:16:48,424
I marry you immediately and we
grow old doing psych research.
399
00:16:48,549 --> 00:16:50,885
We'll shock babies together
off the coast.
400
00:16:53,596 --> 00:16:55,681
Why don't we talk about this
over dinner?
401
00:16:55,806 --> 00:16:57,475
We just gotta find a place to meet
402
00:16:57,600 --> 00:17:00,102
that's so horrible, nobody
but us would ever go there.
403
00:17:01,229 --> 00:17:03,606
Uh, you know that tire fire
404
00:17:03,731 --> 00:17:06,776
that's been burning for years
out by the landfill?
405
00:17:06,901 --> 00:17:08,778
Good start.
406
00:17:08,903 --> 00:17:12,657
There's a really nice,
little Peruvian jazz place
407
00:17:12,782 --> 00:17:13,991
right next door.
408
00:17:14,116 --> 00:17:16,619
I know it. I thought
they closed that place down.
409
00:17:16,744 --> 00:17:17,787
Oh, no.
410
00:17:17,912 --> 00:17:21,123
It reopens every day the wind
is blowing from the east.
411
00:17:30,341 --> 00:17:31,425
Can I help you?
412
00:17:31,550 --> 00:17:32,551
Are you Mark Healy?
413
00:17:32,677 --> 00:17:33,636
I am.
414
00:17:33,761 --> 00:17:35,012
I'm Will Deetler.
415
00:17:35,137 --> 00:17:36,764
You wrote an essay for my daughter.
416
00:17:36,889 --> 00:17:39,058
Oh, hi. I'm Mark's mother.
417
00:17:39,183 --> 00:17:41,727
I already talked to him and
told him what he did was wrong,
418
00:17:41,852 --> 00:17:43,312
and we're so sorry about that.
419
00:17:43,437 --> 00:17:45,106
That's not the problem.
420
00:17:45,231 --> 00:17:47,441
The essay Mark wrote
was exactly the same
421
00:17:47,566 --> 00:17:48,985
as an essay he wrote for another kid
422
00:17:49,110 --> 00:17:51,487
who was also going to submit it
to Northwestern.
423
00:17:51,612 --> 00:17:54,115
Thank God the two kids talked
and caught it.
424
00:17:54,240 --> 00:17:55,866
That was pretty stupid, man.
425
00:17:55,992 --> 00:17:58,744
Hey, I do have a kid you can
call stupid, but not this one.
426
00:17:59,704 --> 00:18:02,623
He'll pay your daughter back her money.
427
00:18:02,748 --> 00:18:04,750
She didn't pay for it. I did.
428
00:18:04,875 --> 00:18:08,462
She wrote an essay about
an eyebrow threading gone wrong.
429
00:18:08,587 --> 00:18:10,798
When I told her it was terrible,
she looked sad
430
00:18:10,923 --> 00:18:12,091
or angry.
431
00:18:12,216 --> 00:18:14,802
Her eyebrows are so screwed up,
I couldn't tell.
432
00:18:14,927 --> 00:18:17,013
This was your idea?
433
00:18:17,138 --> 00:18:18,264
Oh, my God.
434
00:18:18,389 --> 00:18:20,891
You've got no moral ground
to complain about anything.
435
00:18:21,017 --> 00:18:24,312
I don't need moral ground.
I need a new essay.
436
00:18:24,437 --> 00:18:25,313
Well, no!
437
00:18:25,438 --> 00:18:27,273
You're done taking advantage of my kid.
438
00:18:27,398 --> 00:18:29,233
Look, the application deadline
is next week.
439
00:18:29,358 --> 00:18:32,111
Don't make me go to Mark's
principal and get him expelled.
440
00:18:32,236 --> 00:18:35,239
Oh, you do that and I'll go to
the magnet school and get...
441
00:18:35,364 --> 00:18:36,490
What's your idiot kid's name?
442
00:18:36,615 --> 00:18:38,909
- Skyler.
- Oh, of course it is.
443
00:18:39,035 --> 00:18:41,996
I'll get Skyler expelled from there.
444
00:18:42,121 --> 00:18:44,498
We built the new cafeteria
at the magnet school,
445
00:18:44,623 --> 00:18:45,750
so take your best shot.
446
00:18:45,875 --> 00:18:47,918
How about I tell every school
she applies to
447
00:18:48,044 --> 00:18:49,670
that she does not write her own essays?
448
00:18:49,795 --> 00:18:51,005
Then she'll be blacklisted
449
00:18:51,130 --> 00:18:53,466
from getting into any school anywhere.
450
00:18:53,591 --> 00:18:55,885
Take a look at our furniture,
cafeteria man.
451
00:18:56,010 --> 00:18:57,678
We got nothing to lose!
452
00:18:59,597 --> 00:19:00,765
That was great!
453
00:19:00,890 --> 00:19:03,100
I can't believe
you stuck up for me like that.
454
00:19:03,225 --> 00:19:05,478
That is what parents do,
455
00:19:05,603 --> 00:19:08,272
but they don't do it twice,
so listen up.
456
00:19:08,397 --> 00:19:10,816
If both of those essays
would have gone to Northwestern,
457
00:19:10,941 --> 00:19:12,485
you know those kids
would have turned you in,
458
00:19:12,610 --> 00:19:14,779
and you would have been
blacklisted along with them,
459
00:19:14,904 --> 00:19:17,531
then you can forget about
going to college anywhere.
460
00:19:19,283 --> 00:19:20,534
Then what am I supposed to do?
461
00:19:20,659 --> 00:19:23,037
I don't know how else
to pay for college.
462
00:19:24,914 --> 00:19:27,583
I may have found a way,
but it's gonna take a while.
463
00:19:27,708 --> 00:19:29,794
What?
464
00:19:29,926 --> 00:19:32,804
Okay, I've been up every night
looking for scholarships,
465
00:19:32,922 --> 00:19:35,841
and one way that you can get
colleges to give you one
466
00:19:35,966 --> 00:19:37,510
is to have a unique skill
467
00:19:37,635 --> 00:19:40,471
like playing an instrument
in their orchestra
468
00:19:40,596 --> 00:19:42,056
that no one else wants to play.
469
00:19:42,181 --> 00:19:43,432
Like what, a tuba?
470
00:19:43,557 --> 00:19:46,560
No, way more embarrassing than that.
471
00:19:46,685 --> 00:19:49,647
It's something that
nobody wants to learn.
472
00:19:51,399 --> 00:19:53,526
The contrabassoon.
473
00:19:53,651 --> 00:19:55,945
Oh, my God. It's giant.
474
00:19:56,070 --> 00:19:58,406
Uh, this is what it sounds like
if you do it well.
475
00:20:01,909 --> 00:20:04,537
That should take you
about two years to get to that.
476
00:20:08,207 --> 00:20:10,543
All right, let's get one.
477
00:20:10,668 --> 00:20:12,253
And I think I might be able to get
478
00:20:12,378 --> 00:20:14,338
a great college essay out of this.
479
00:20:14,463 --> 00:20:16,006
"I'm a gay contrabassoonist
480
00:20:16,132 --> 00:20:18,134
from the wrong side of the tracks."
481
00:20:18,259 --> 00:20:19,885
- Buckle in.
- Why?
482
00:20:20,010 --> 00:20:23,389
'Cause you are on a rocket sled
to Harvard.
483
00:20:27,268 --> 00:20:30,646
So, now that Mark's gone sideways,
484
00:20:30,771 --> 00:20:32,106
you're my only hope.
485
00:20:32,231 --> 00:20:35,317
And since you're kind of a blank slate,
486
00:20:35,443 --> 00:20:37,987
I want to get you going
in the right direction.
487
00:20:38,112 --> 00:20:41,157
Now, the Chinese culture has it right...
488
00:20:41,282 --> 00:20:44,785
the way to happiness is
to honor your oldest relative
489
00:20:44,910 --> 00:20:46,954
by letting them live with you
490
00:20:47,079 --> 00:20:51,000
and taking care of them their
whole life, okay, sweet pea?
491
00:20:51,125 --> 00:20:52,710
- Okay.
- Okay.
492
00:20:52,835 --> 00:20:54,336
Mm.
493
00:20:57,298 --> 00:21:00,009
Oh, you're gonna be a whole
different kind of special.
36795
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.