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1
00:00:01,120 --> 00:00:04,129
Back in the '80s, the show
"Dynasty" was the best.
2
00:00:04,130 --> 00:00:06,840
It had crazy wealth, shoulder pads,
3
00:00:06,850 --> 00:00:08,957
and endless lady fights.
4
00:00:08,960 --> 00:00:11,380
And no one loved it more than my mom.
5
00:00:11,400 --> 00:00:13,720
Everyone, shut up!
6
00:00:13,730 --> 00:00:15,432
We were sitting quietly.
7
00:00:15,440 --> 00:00:16,479
But now you're talking.
8
00:00:16,480 --> 00:00:18,630
Anticipate my irrational anxiety, Adam.
9
00:00:18,640 --> 00:00:19,895
It's "Dynasty" night!
10
00:00:19,900 --> 00:00:21,814
I'll always be noiseless for you, Mama.
11
00:00:21,820 --> 00:00:24,899
Thank you, Barry. And, tonight,
you are my favorite.
12
00:00:25,920 --> 00:00:28,029
Damn it! Who the hell is
interrupting "Dynasty" night?!
13
00:00:28,030 --> 00:00:30,300
Ha ha! Hello, Beverly.
14
00:00:30,320 --> 00:00:31,824
Hope I made it in time for kickoff.
15
00:00:31,830 --> 00:00:33,270
Kickoff?
16
00:00:33,280 --> 00:00:36,662
Oh, Murray's off touring a
suede factory in Tucson.
17
00:00:36,670 --> 00:00:39,280
So I guess, "You'll get to go
to Tucson next time, Vic,"
18
00:00:39,290 --> 00:00:40,874
means the time after that.
19
00:00:40,880 --> 00:00:45,000
Boys, catch Vic up on "Dynasty"
in the next 30 seconds.
20
00:00:45,020 --> 00:00:48,000
Buckle up! Low-born nobody Krystle
21
00:00:48,020 --> 00:00:50,676
marries silver fox oil
baron Blake Carrington.
22
00:00:50,680 --> 00:00:53,137
Nick blames Blake for
his brother's suicide
23
00:00:53,140 --> 00:00:54,560
in an Iraqi prison, but, really,
24
00:00:54,570 --> 00:00:55,849
he just wants to seduce his daughter.
25
00:00:55,850 --> 00:00:58,790
Turns out, Fallon is alive,
but she has amnesia!
26
00:00:58,800 --> 00:01:00,349
She goes by Randall Adams now.
27
00:01:00,350 --> 00:01:01,359
Blake and Nick fight on a mountain,
28
00:01:01,360 --> 00:01:03,105
Blake falls off a pony,
and totally dies.
29
00:01:03,110 --> 00:01:05,232
Cecil and Alexis are all...
30
00:01:05,240 --> 00:01:06,920
- Oh!
- But then he has a heart attack,
31
00:01:06,930 --> 00:01:07,943
and he's all, "Ohh!"
32
00:01:07,950 --> 00:01:11,059
Turns out, Liam is alive,
but he has amnesia!
33
00:01:11,060 --> 00:01:12,279
- Krystle and Alexis fight...
- Krystle and Alexis fight
34
00:01:12,280 --> 00:01:13,609
- before the Black and White Ball.
- ... on a mountain.
35
00:01:13,610 --> 00:01:15,339
- Krystle and Alexis fight in a mudslide.
- Krystle and Alexis fight in a parlor.
36
00:01:15,340 --> 00:01:17,453
And then they find out
they're all cousins.
37
00:01:17,460 --> 00:01:19,270
- Cousins?
- It's starting!
38
00:01:19,280 --> 00:01:21,360
A window into my palatial
life is starting!
39
00:01:21,370 --> 00:01:22,500
Ooh!
40
00:01:23,840 --> 00:01:26,319
Ohh! Lack of preamble!
41
00:01:26,320 --> 00:01:27,796
They start the show with a slap?!
42
00:01:27,800 --> 00:01:29,960
Oh, the appeal is evident.
43
00:01:29,980 --> 00:01:31,020
Classic TV slap.
44
00:01:31,040 --> 00:01:32,926
See how she uses her downstage hand?
45
00:01:32,930 --> 00:01:34,428
Totally fakes the untrained eye.
46
00:01:34,430 --> 00:01:38,390
We'll show ya. How dare
you steal my yacht?!
47
00:01:38,400 --> 00:01:40,760
He's delightfully added
context to the violence!
48
00:01:40,770 --> 00:01:42,853
You're sleeping with my chauffeur?!
49
00:01:42,860 --> 00:01:44,520
Nice! We're playing slapsies?
50
00:01:44,530 --> 00:01:45,560
I want in on this.
51
00:01:45,570 --> 00:01:47,160
No, no, no, no!
52
00:01:47,170 --> 00:01:48,660
- Wrong hand!
- Oh!
53
00:01:53,560 --> 00:01:56,300
- Synced & corrected by MementMori -
-- www.addic7ed.com --
54
00:02:00,460 --> 00:02:02,820
It was March 23rd, 1980-something,
55
00:02:02,830 --> 00:02:04,380
and with college on the horizon,
56
00:02:04,390 --> 00:02:06,670
it was time to fill out
my roommate questionnaire
57
00:02:06,690 --> 00:02:10,000
- for NYU.
- "Do you consider yourself shy,
58
00:02:10,020 --> 00:02:13,509
fairly shy, neutral, fairly
outgoing, or outgoing?"
59
00:02:13,510 --> 00:02:14,593
Good ol' neutral.
60
00:02:14,600 --> 00:02:16,230
Okay, I'm just here to do laundry.
61
00:02:16,240 --> 00:02:18,097
Can you do whatever
this is on the driveway?
62
00:02:18,100 --> 00:02:19,839
I'm trying to match with
my perfect roommate,
63
00:02:19,840 --> 00:02:20,960
and it's impossible.
64
00:02:20,970 --> 00:02:22,640
I mean, look at this question...
65
00:02:22,660 --> 00:02:24,687
"How comfortable are you with nudity?"
66
00:02:24,690 --> 00:02:26,563
You'll write in "very."
67
00:02:26,570 --> 00:02:28,857
Are you holding a kielbasa
in your bare hand?
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00:02:28,860 --> 00:02:31,193
Lucky for you, I was peckish
for this Polish delight.
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00:02:31,200 --> 00:02:33,710
An improperly filled out
roommate questionnaire
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00:02:33,720 --> 00:02:35,180
can ruin the rest of your life.
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00:02:35,190 --> 00:02:36,850
The sausage dummy's right for once.
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00:02:36,860 --> 00:02:38,839
You fill that out wrong,
and you might wind up living
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00:02:38,840 --> 00:02:40,750
- with someone like you.
- Isn't that the goal?
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00:02:40,760 --> 00:02:42,680
If you want to bunk up
with a social reject.
75
00:02:42,690 --> 00:02:44,498
We love you, but you suck, bro.
76
00:02:44,500 --> 00:02:46,375
Then what am I supposed to do?
77
00:02:46,380 --> 00:02:49,560
Make yourself look cool.
For example, smoking...
78
00:02:49,570 --> 00:02:52,756
- You check yes and no.
- That's just confusing.
79
00:02:52,760 --> 00:02:54,900
Confusion equals uncertainty,
80
00:02:54,920 --> 00:02:56,240
which equals mystery,
81
00:02:56,260 --> 00:02:59,100
- which equals cool.
- Huge news!
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00:02:59,110 --> 00:03:00,840
Carrie Fisher said yes
to your prom-posal
83
00:03:00,850 --> 00:03:03,600
and now you have to find
a Han Solo-themed tuxedo?
84
00:03:03,610 --> 00:03:06,130
Better! As you know, I've
been struggling to decide
85
00:03:06,150 --> 00:03:07,980
between my 11 college acceptances.
86
00:03:07,990 --> 00:03:09,360
Bragging is a form of bullying.
87
00:03:09,380 --> 00:03:11,010
But after taking into account
88
00:03:11,020 --> 00:03:13,026
who I could be going to college with...
89
00:03:13,030 --> 00:03:14,361
Don't tease me, Dave Kim!
90
00:03:14,370 --> 00:03:15,863
I'm going to NYU, baby!
91
00:03:15,870 --> 00:03:16,880
Yeah!
92
00:03:16,890 --> 00:03:20,409
Beep-dop-ming-bzzrt-unum-oomray.
93
00:03:20,410 --> 00:03:22,953
Nep-sha-orkyay-victus-erghbot.
94
00:03:22,960 --> 00:03:24,830
Ha ha! Yeah!
95
00:03:25,950 --> 00:03:26,969
What the hell am I looking at?
96
00:03:26,970 --> 00:03:28,900
We developed our own private language
97
00:03:28,910 --> 00:03:31,253
based on the sounds of R2-D2 and Latin.
98
00:03:31,260 --> 00:03:32,755
Both classical and pig.
99
00:03:32,760 --> 00:03:34,923
We call it Artootin.
100
00:03:34,930 --> 00:03:36,425
Good God, man.
101
00:03:36,430 --> 00:03:38,280
Ah! To celebrate, I'm gonna treat myself
102
00:03:38,300 --> 00:03:40,387
to a new turtleneck in NYU violet.
103
00:03:40,390 --> 00:03:42,514
To the Sears boys' section!
104
00:03:42,520 --> 00:03:44,224
Wow.
105
00:03:44,230 --> 00:03:46,180
- That all worked out.
- Traitor!
106
00:03:46,200 --> 00:03:48,170
- Traitor?
- After all the effort
107
00:03:48,180 --> 00:03:50,430
we put into helping you
the last two minutes?
108
00:03:50,440 --> 00:03:52,020
Wha... This is a good thing.
109
00:03:52,040 --> 00:03:54,980
I mean, after Brea
couldn't join me at NYU,
110
00:03:54,990 --> 00:03:56,680
I thought I was gonna be alone.
111
00:03:56,700 --> 00:03:58,399
But now I have my rock!
112
00:03:58,400 --> 00:04:00,380
Dave Kim is a rock...
113
00:04:00,400 --> 00:04:02,493
a rock that will weigh
you down socially.
114
00:04:02,500 --> 00:04:04,870
We're in college.
We know how this works.
115
00:04:04,880 --> 00:04:06,180
Live with Dave Kim,
116
00:04:06,200 --> 00:04:09,030
and you two will dweeb yourselves
into a dorky black hole
117
00:04:09,040 --> 00:04:10,542
from which you will never escape.
118
00:04:10,550 --> 00:04:12,920
We do get a little lost in
each other sometimes.
119
00:04:12,930 --> 00:04:14,420
I'm so glad you said that.
120
00:04:14,440 --> 00:04:16,110
Now repeat it back to yourself
121
00:04:16,120 --> 00:04:17,674
and hear how strange it sounds.
122
00:04:17,680 --> 00:04:20,110
We do get a little lost in
each other sometimes.
123
00:04:20,120 --> 00:04:21,760
- Oh, balls!
- Mm.
124
00:04:21,780 --> 00:04:24,040
I guess if we had other roommates,
125
00:04:24,050 --> 00:04:25,432
we could meet more people.
126
00:04:25,440 --> 00:04:26,767
There ya go! Tell him that.
127
00:04:26,770 --> 00:04:30,354
And we can introduce our
new friends to each other?
128
00:04:30,360 --> 00:04:32,490
You won't, because
you'll be ditching him,
129
00:04:32,500 --> 00:04:34,233
but that's another lie he might believe.
130
00:04:34,710 --> 00:04:35,734
I don't know.
131
00:04:35,740 --> 00:04:36,920
We do.
132
00:04:36,940 --> 00:04:38,310
We'll send this form in
133
00:04:38,330 --> 00:04:40,239
and make a list of everything
that's wrong with Dave Kim.
134
00:04:40,240 --> 00:04:41,448
You don't need to do that.
135
00:04:41,450 --> 00:04:43,033
It's already done... up here.
136
00:04:43,040 --> 00:04:45,953
As my siblings were trying
to get me to lose Dave Kim,
137
00:04:45,960 --> 00:04:47,790
my mom was searching for something
138
00:04:47,800 --> 00:04:50,457
- my dad lost at the store.
- There she is!
139
00:04:50,470 --> 00:04:51,959
What nosy business are you up to?
140
00:04:51,960 --> 00:04:54,650
I'm looking for our TV remote.
141
00:04:54,660 --> 00:04:57,005
Murray instinctively carries
it with him everywhere.
142
00:04:57,010 --> 00:04:58,549
Oh, bingo!
143
00:04:58,550 --> 00:05:01,051
But the remote wasn't all she found.
144
00:05:03,980 --> 00:05:05,090
The [bleep] is that?
145
00:05:05,100 --> 00:05:07,490
Oh, that's our well-respected
coffee corner.
146
00:05:07,500 --> 00:05:09,560
We have over two flavors.
147
00:05:09,570 --> 00:05:11,360
I am familiar with the coffee corner.
148
00:05:11,370 --> 00:05:14,580
What I'm not familiar with
are those hideous mugs.
149
00:05:14,600 --> 00:05:16,024
What happened to the paper cups?
150
00:05:16,030 --> 00:05:17,590
Jane thought that those were, uh...
151
00:05:17,600 --> 00:05:20,571
Oh, how did she put it?
Um, "a bag of ass."
152
00:05:20,580 --> 00:05:22,573
Jane? Jane Bales?
153
00:05:22,580 --> 00:05:26,180
Yeah, Janey has tons of ideas,
which I'm happy to indulge
154
00:05:26,190 --> 00:05:28,790
because she's got the bod of a
department-store mannequin.
155
00:05:28,820 --> 00:05:31,780
There's my king!
Oh, it's so decent of you
156
00:05:31,800 --> 00:05:33,850
to consort with the sick
and the wretched.
157
00:05:33,860 --> 00:05:36,080
Jane. Did the other witches
forget to tell you
158
00:05:36,100 --> 00:05:38,297
where the coven was meeting again?
159
00:05:38,300 --> 00:05:39,798
Fun stuff. Here I go.
160
00:05:39,800 --> 00:05:42,342
Jane, what the hell do you think
you're doing with those mugs?
161
00:05:42,350 --> 00:05:44,120
Uh, I'm just classing up the joint.
162
00:05:44,140 --> 00:05:45,599
I mean, God knows this store needs it.
163
00:05:45,600 --> 00:05:48,223
This store is just fine.
164
00:05:48,230 --> 00:05:51,840
This place makes your home
look like Buckingham Palace.
165
00:05:51,850 --> 00:05:53,600
Buckingham Palace is in England,
166
00:05:53,610 --> 00:05:56,565
and I'm just telling you because I
think you're provincial and dumb.
167
00:05:56,570 --> 00:06:00,569
The only thing dumb is you
thinking that you have any say
168
00:06:00,570 --> 00:06:01,904
in what goes on around here.
169
00:06:01,910 --> 00:06:03,850
I'm seeing the Formica King.
170
00:06:03,860 --> 00:06:05,991
Doesn't that make me the Formica Queen?
171
00:06:06,540 --> 00:06:08,270
How dare you?
172
00:06:08,300 --> 00:06:10,570
The Ottoman Empire was
started by my father.
173
00:06:10,580 --> 00:06:13,916
- If anyone's queen, it's me.
- Says you. Ta!
174
00:06:13,920 --> 00:06:15,667
Ooooh!
175
00:06:15,670 --> 00:06:18,587
This is just like season three,
episode seven of "Dynasty"!
176
00:06:18,590 --> 00:06:20,079
You see it, too!
177
00:06:20,080 --> 00:06:22,500
After spending too many waking
hours with the Carringtons,
178
00:06:22,520 --> 00:06:25,760
I can see that Jane Bales
is making a power play
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00:06:25,780 --> 00:06:28,221
of spectacular proportions.
180
00:06:28,230 --> 00:06:30,210
Not if I have anything to say about it.
181
00:06:30,220 --> 00:06:33,420
Ooh, my life really is
just like "Dynasty"!
182
00:06:33,430 --> 00:06:35,610
They have class and
wealth you'll never know,
183
00:06:35,630 --> 00:06:38,649
but y-you are having a minor
skirmish with another lady.
184
00:06:38,650 --> 00:06:41,010
As my mom vowed to defend her empire,
185
00:06:41,020 --> 00:06:44,738
it was time for me to hit
Dave Kim with some bad news.
186
00:06:44,740 --> 00:06:46,990
Yo, yo! DK in the place to be!
187
00:06:47,000 --> 00:06:49,360
I was thinking, you know
what would be way cooler
188
00:06:49,370 --> 00:06:50,660
than us living together?
189
00:06:50,670 --> 00:06:52,660
- Not living together.
- What?
190
00:06:52,680 --> 00:06:56,170
Clearly, we both agree that
being roommates would be ideal.
191
00:06:56,180 --> 00:06:59,000
But then again, not being roommates...
192
00:06:59,010 --> 00:07:00,128
even more ideal!
193
00:07:00,130 --> 00:07:01,338
Where is this coming from?
194
00:07:01,340 --> 00:07:02,510
Me.
195
00:07:03,850 --> 00:07:05,258
I know who did this.
196
00:07:05,260 --> 00:07:07,010
What the actual [bleep]?!
197
00:07:07,020 --> 00:07:08,845
- Whoa!
- Eddie Murphy words!
198
00:07:08,850 --> 00:07:09,919
You guys convinced your brother
199
00:07:09,920 --> 00:07:11,220
not to live with me next year.
200
00:07:11,230 --> 00:07:12,580
We have absolutely no idea
201
00:07:12,600 --> 00:07:14,180
what you're talking about, Dave Kim.
202
00:07:14,200 --> 00:07:16,400
I think that you should
examine the possibility
203
00:07:16,410 --> 00:07:17,521
that Adam despises you.
204
00:07:17,530 --> 00:07:20,399
No, no, no, no.
It's just a personal whim.
205
00:07:20,400 --> 00:07:22,310
A "personal whim," you say?
206
00:07:22,330 --> 00:07:24,611
So this carelessly-placed chalkboard
207
00:07:24,620 --> 00:07:26,370
wouldn't happen to
include a detailed list
208
00:07:26,380 --> 00:07:28,615
that led Adam to his ill-fated decision?
209
00:07:28,620 --> 00:07:31,100
Merely a simple chalkboard
for playing Hangman
210
00:07:31,120 --> 00:07:33,662
and other games I can't
think of right now.
211
00:07:33,670 --> 00:07:34,705
Whoa!
212
00:07:34,710 --> 00:07:36,010
That thing flips?
213
00:07:36,020 --> 00:07:37,416
I've been turning it longwise.
214
00:07:37,420 --> 00:07:39,710
"Reasons Not To Live With DK."
215
00:07:39,720 --> 00:07:41,253
Unbelievable!
216
00:07:41,260 --> 00:07:42,379
Well, you don't know.
217
00:07:42,380 --> 00:07:44,310
"DK" could stand for Donna Karan.
218
00:07:44,320 --> 00:07:46,842
- Or Donkey Kong.
- Turtlenecks! Bowl cut!
219
00:07:46,850 --> 00:07:49,344
My profound sleep apnea?!
220
00:07:49,350 --> 00:07:52,514
Only you and Dave Kim's
mom know about that!
221
00:07:52,520 --> 00:07:53,809
So we're trying to
help our little brother
222
00:07:53,810 --> 00:07:56,569
not be a social disaster
before he even starts college.
223
00:07:56,570 --> 00:07:58,770
It's not personal. Sorta.
224
00:07:58,780 --> 00:08:00,500
You're gonna go there?
225
00:08:00,510 --> 00:08:02,800
Because you're just a
married lady who can't sing.
226
00:08:02,810 --> 00:08:04,279
Drop out of another
school, why don't you?!
227
00:08:04,280 --> 00:08:06,737
Because your best years are behind you!
228
00:08:06,740 --> 00:08:08,905
- Whoa!
- Ha! He got you bad.
229
00:08:08,910 --> 00:08:09,940
And you.
230
00:08:09,950 --> 00:08:12,259
With your stupid fingers
and gross shirts
231
00:08:12,260 --> 00:08:15,850
and fake bravado masking
colossal insecurity.
232
00:08:15,860 --> 00:08:17,410
You're a buffoon who can't rap,
233
00:08:17,420 --> 00:08:20,667
runs weird, and no one likes you!
234
00:08:20,670 --> 00:08:23,045
What are these words?!
235
00:08:23,050 --> 00:08:24,337
Let's just take a beat.
236
00:08:24,340 --> 00:08:25,422
You're the worst of all.
237
00:08:25,430 --> 00:08:26,840
'Cause you listened to them.
238
00:08:26,850 --> 00:08:30,594
Unum-dip-shnee-vici-ate-you-hay.
239
00:08:30,600 --> 00:08:31,845
What'd he say?
240
00:08:31,850 --> 00:08:34,120
Horrible, horrible things.
241
00:08:35,470 --> 00:08:36,500
Mean.
242
00:08:36,520 --> 00:08:39,019
As Dave Kim swore off our friendship,
243
00:08:39,020 --> 00:08:41,340
my mom swore to protect
the Ottoman Empire
244
00:08:41,360 --> 00:08:42,719
from Jane Bales.
245
00:08:42,720 --> 00:08:45,440
Murray Goldberg's room, please.
246
00:08:45,450 --> 00:08:47,219
Well, I don't care if he put
on the Do Not Disturb.
247
00:08:47,220 --> 00:08:49,446
I have important dynastic business.
248
00:08:49,450 --> 00:08:52,490
Oh, that doesn't meet your
threshold for an emergency?
249
00:08:52,500 --> 00:08:54,100
Well, how about this?
250
00:08:54,120 --> 00:08:56,703
Screw you, Alan from Marriott!
251
00:08:56,710 --> 00:08:58,460
Beverly, hi.
252
00:08:58,480 --> 00:09:00,210
- It's me.
- Oh. Ginzy.
253
00:09:00,220 --> 00:09:02,960
Finally, a face with
the lines of wisdom.
254
00:09:02,970 --> 00:09:06,500
Jane Bales is trying to stage a
coup of the Ottoman Empire!
255
00:09:06,510 --> 00:09:08,330
We're both having dramatic days.
256
00:09:08,340 --> 00:09:10,630
I thought I misplaced my keys,
257
00:09:10,640 --> 00:09:13,740
but Charles took the wagon
out for a surprise wash.
258
00:09:13,760 --> 00:09:16,279
- Thank you for that humdrum tale of drivel.
- Yeah.
259
00:09:16,280 --> 00:09:20,102
It puts in stark contrast
how big my problems are.
260
00:09:20,110 --> 00:09:23,079
Well, I actually just came
over here to thank you
261
00:09:23,080 --> 00:09:24,919
for your very generous contribution
262
00:09:24,920 --> 00:09:26,983
to my children's literacy charity.
263
00:09:26,990 --> 00:09:29,152
That sounds way wrong.
264
00:09:29,160 --> 00:09:30,380
I was surprised, too.
265
00:09:30,390 --> 00:09:32,090
Yeah, but, no, it's right there...
266
00:09:32,100 --> 00:09:35,951
"Donation by the King and
Queen of the Ottoman Empire."
267
00:09:35,960 --> 00:09:37,536
Jane Bales.
268
00:09:38,680 --> 00:09:40,580
Uh, the gala is this weekend.
269
00:09:40,590 --> 00:09:41,957
Oh, I'll be there.
270
00:09:41,960 --> 00:09:43,375
Jane Bales had gone too far,
271
00:09:43,380 --> 00:09:46,837
and my mom wasn't about
to take it lying down.
272
00:09:46,840 --> 00:09:49,172
That beauty can go right
in the front, Victor.
273
00:09:49,180 --> 00:09:51,091
What the hell is this?
274
00:09:51,100 --> 00:09:53,885
Hello, Beverly.
I'm sprucing things up a bit.
275
00:09:53,890 --> 00:09:55,387
This is called a divan.
276
00:09:55,390 --> 00:09:58,098
All the Parisian boudoirs
are resplendent with them.
277
00:09:58,100 --> 00:09:59,680
Are you choosing sides, Vic?
278
00:09:59,690 --> 00:10:01,880
I'm merely exploring every contingency
279
00:10:01,890 --> 00:10:03,690
in case there's an unexpected winner
280
00:10:03,700 --> 00:10:07,280
in your battle with this wiry
and determined dragon-lady.
281
00:10:07,300 --> 00:10:12,030
Vic, look in my eyes and know
that the terror you see is real.
282
00:10:12,040 --> 00:10:14,781
Now get that thing out of my store!
283
00:10:14,790 --> 00:10:16,491
Vic, don't touch a thing!
284
00:10:16,500 --> 00:10:18,952
The incredibly tasteful divan stays.
285
00:10:19,640 --> 00:10:22,610
Vic, we sell affordable sofas,
286
00:10:22,630 --> 00:10:24,810
not overstuffed fainting couches
287
00:10:24,820 --> 00:10:28,210
plopped on by dehydrated
shrews in pantsuits!
288
00:10:28,220 --> 00:10:29,880
- Vic, no!
- Vic, yes!
289
00:10:29,890 --> 00:10:31,750
Aah! I can't do this anymore!
290
00:10:31,770 --> 00:10:34,134
I'm supposed to be in Tucson, damn it!
291
00:10:34,140 --> 00:10:36,280
I'm gonna go have a
little talk with Mike
292
00:10:36,300 --> 00:10:39,920
- and clear this whole thing up.
- Okay. You go do that, Beverly.
293
00:10:39,930 --> 00:10:44,160
Just know, I can give him
one thing that you never can.
294
00:10:44,170 --> 00:10:46,030
- Please don't say "this body."
- This body.
295
00:10:47,260 --> 00:10:49,760
Mike, we need to talk about Jane
296
00:10:49,770 --> 00:10:51,568
and all the changes she's making.
297
00:10:51,570 --> 00:10:52,750
I'm sorry. I know it's a lot,
298
00:10:52,770 --> 00:10:55,309
but what can I say?
She kisses this face.
299
00:10:55,310 --> 00:10:56,670
I know, she's very brave,
300
00:10:56,680 --> 00:10:58,700
but if we could just
address one thing...
301
00:10:58,710 --> 00:11:00,510
I tell you, she's the perfect woman.
302
00:11:00,520 --> 00:11:01,870
If she could only cook.
303
00:11:01,880 --> 00:11:03,880
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
304
00:11:03,900 --> 00:11:05,415
Jane can't cook?
305
00:11:05,420 --> 00:11:07,689
I've been trying to force this
down for the past 20 minutes.
306
00:11:07,690 --> 00:11:09,628
I don't even know what it is.
307
00:11:09,630 --> 00:11:11,713
Is that corn or peppermint?
308
00:11:11,720 --> 00:11:13,750
Please don't tell Jane
I said any of this.
309
00:11:13,760 --> 00:11:16,220
Don't worry. It'll be our little secret.
310
00:11:16,230 --> 00:11:20,120
And with that, my mom had a tasty plan.
311
00:11:21,640 --> 00:11:25,320
My mom had a recipe for how to
win back the Ottoman Empire.
312
00:11:25,340 --> 00:11:27,630
Step one... Trick Mike into coming over.
313
00:11:27,640 --> 00:11:30,850
So, you turn it this way, it's "locked,"
314
00:11:30,860 --> 00:11:33,777
and you turn it this way,
and it's "unlocked."
315
00:11:33,780 --> 00:11:37,656
I am just no good with
this mechanical stuff.
316
00:11:37,660 --> 00:11:40,250
Step two... Give him a dash of
something Jane Bales couldn't.
317
00:11:40,260 --> 00:11:41,400
Ooh!
318
00:11:42,160 --> 00:11:44,620
What is that delightful aroma?
319
00:11:44,630 --> 00:11:46,420
Oh, I just threw some stuff in a pot.
320
00:11:46,430 --> 00:11:47,990
Would you like a nibble?
321
00:11:48,000 --> 00:11:49,709
Well, I-I don't... I don't know...
322
00:11:49,710 --> 00:11:51,439
Just some ooey, gooey yumminess
323
00:11:51,440 --> 00:11:54,172
I like to call "The Mexican Bathtub."
324
00:11:54,180 --> 00:11:55,590
Oh, my stars.
325
00:11:56,890 --> 00:12:02,000
Finally, pour on the temptation
until Mike couldn't say no.
326
00:12:02,020 --> 00:12:04,307
Like what you see, Formica Michael?
327
00:12:04,310 --> 00:12:07,936
Oh, I do. I really do.
328
00:12:07,940 --> 00:12:09,020
Then sit.
329
00:12:09,030 --> 00:12:10,189
You know, I really shouldn't.
330
00:12:10,190 --> 00:12:11,930
Because Janey's making dinner.
331
00:12:11,950 --> 00:12:13,400
Something with fish necks.
332
00:12:13,410 --> 00:12:14,690
Well, it'd be a shame
333
00:12:14,700 --> 00:12:18,071
for all this golden deliciousness
to go to waste.
334
00:12:18,080 --> 00:12:19,529
Oh, what could it hurt to have one bite?
335
00:12:19,530 --> 00:12:22,117
- Janey doesn't have to know.
- No one does.
336
00:12:23,340 --> 00:12:26,750
And while you're here,
let's talk about the store.
337
00:12:26,760 --> 00:12:29,950
And so began the strangest
affair of all time.
338
00:12:29,960 --> 00:12:31,440
Hey, you know what, Vic?
339
00:12:31,450 --> 00:12:33,600
- I'll lock up.
- Oh. Y-You sure?
340
00:12:33,610 --> 00:12:36,720
Yeah. I find that as I approach
my twilight years,
341
00:12:36,740 --> 00:12:39,380
spending time with
furniture is invigorating.
342
00:12:39,390 --> 00:12:41,280
That was a more full-bodied answer
343
00:12:41,290 --> 00:12:43,805
than I was expecting, but toodaloo.
344
00:12:47,480 --> 00:12:48,977
I can't believe we're doing this.
345
00:12:48,980 --> 00:12:51,140
Just open your mouth and
take what I give you.
346
00:12:51,160 --> 00:12:54,360
Yep, my mom had Mike in
the palm of her hand.
347
00:12:57,000 --> 00:12:59,100
And Jane at her wits' end.
348
00:12:59,110 --> 00:13:01,031
What the hell are you
doing with my divan?!
349
00:13:01,040 --> 00:13:02,520
I'd like to know, too.
350
00:13:02,540 --> 00:13:05,660
As well as why a furniture store
doesn't have a working dolly!
351
00:13:05,680 --> 00:13:07,412
Babe, things change.
352
00:13:07,420 --> 00:13:10,999
One day, a man might be happy
with a divan in the window,
353
00:13:11,000 --> 00:13:14,627
the next day, he might acquire
a taste for a sleeper sofa.
354
00:13:14,630 --> 00:13:16,379
Not better, it's not worse.
355
00:13:16,380 --> 00:13:20,669
It's different, and
different is exciting!
356
00:13:20,670 --> 00:13:21,850
You don't have to yell at me.
357
00:13:21,860 --> 00:13:24,790
I'm not yelling! I'm exclaiming loudly!
358
00:13:24,800 --> 00:13:27,100
My mom's plan was working perfectly.
359
00:13:27,120 --> 00:13:29,640
Meanwhile, I was hoping the
roommate NYU assigned me
360
00:13:29,660 --> 00:13:31,260
was a perfect match.
361
00:13:31,270 --> 00:13:32,645
You must be Jed.
362
00:13:32,650 --> 00:13:33,897
Are you a freshman?
363
00:13:33,900 --> 00:13:35,520
I'm what they call an
"encore student"...
364
00:13:35,540 --> 00:13:37,150
paying for school with the G.I. Bill.
365
00:13:37,160 --> 00:13:39,319
G.I.? Like my favorite action figures.
366
00:13:39,320 --> 00:13:42,989
But you're real. And super intense.
367
00:13:42,990 --> 00:13:45,310
Had a platoon buddy named Adam once.
368
00:13:45,320 --> 00:13:48,340
He's in heaven now. At least,
I hope there's a heaven,
369
00:13:48,350 --> 00:13:49,788
because I know there's a hell.
370
00:13:49,790 --> 00:13:52,060
Well, I'm bringing a hamburger phone,
371
00:13:52,070 --> 00:13:53,680
so we got that covered.
372
00:13:53,690 --> 00:13:55,251
Meeting Jed convinced me
373
00:13:55,260 --> 00:13:57,629
that the only weird,
intense roommate I wanted
374
00:13:57,630 --> 00:13:59,380
was my lifelong best pal.
375
00:13:59,400 --> 00:14:01,150
There's my wildly handsome friend
376
00:14:01,170 --> 00:14:03,199
who's known for his forgiving
and forgetting nature.
377
00:14:03,200 --> 00:14:05,300
- Save it.
- No, no, no, no, no!
378
00:14:05,320 --> 00:14:06,429
Please be my roommate!
379
00:14:06,430 --> 00:14:07,972
Too late. I already have one.
380
00:14:07,980 --> 00:14:09,330
Balls!
381
00:14:09,340 --> 00:14:11,000
Did yours also have
his marriage dissolve
382
00:14:11,010 --> 00:14:12,227
when he came back stateside?
383
00:14:12,230 --> 00:14:15,105
He's the nephew of Hollywood
character actor Ernie Hudson.
384
00:14:15,110 --> 00:14:17,440
Winston from the "Ghostbusters?!"
385
00:14:17,450 --> 00:14:18,733
He's my fourth favorite!
386
00:14:18,740 --> 00:14:20,527
Excuse me, I have to make a phone call.
387
00:14:20,530 --> 00:14:22,612
Who ya gonna call, Dave Kim?
388
00:14:22,620 --> 00:14:24,479
I think you know.
389
00:14:24,480 --> 00:14:26,910
While I faced a roommate nightmare,
390
00:14:26,920 --> 00:14:28,720
my mom's "Dynasty" fantasy
391
00:14:28,730 --> 00:14:31,162
was about to play out in reality.
392
00:14:31,170 --> 00:14:32,455
Beverly, you made it.
393
00:14:32,460 --> 00:14:34,210
I wouldn't have missed it for the world.
394
00:14:34,220 --> 00:14:36,900
Really? Because you missed
it for the last nine years.
395
00:14:36,920 --> 00:14:38,820
- Vic, there they are. Let's go.
- Oh.
396
00:14:40,300 --> 00:14:42,382
Hello, Formica Michael.
397
00:14:42,390 --> 00:14:46,230
Oh. Beverly, look, in the
same place as my Janey.
398
00:14:46,250 --> 00:14:48,389
And yet we're all comfortable,
and nothing's going on.
399
00:14:51,020 --> 00:14:52,475
Well, isn't this fun?
400
00:14:52,480 --> 00:14:54,310
Helping children and being confused.
401
00:14:54,320 --> 00:14:55,670
Well, let me make it clear.
402
00:14:55,680 --> 00:14:58,730
Jane... I've been with your man!
403
00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:02,110
- What is she saying?
- I honestly have no idea
404
00:15:02,120 --> 00:15:04,329
- what she's talking about.
- Oh, I'll tell you.
405
00:15:04,330 --> 00:15:06,459
Every day and all night,
406
00:15:06,460 --> 00:15:09,760
we make sweet, sweet food together.
407
00:15:09,780 --> 00:15:11,590
Did you just say "food"?
408
00:15:11,600 --> 00:15:13,850
What an awkward way to
say you cook for the man.
409
00:15:13,860 --> 00:15:15,950
Mike, is this true?
410
00:15:15,960 --> 00:15:17,450
No! Janey!
411
00:15:17,470 --> 00:15:19,252
Jane, no, I love everything
that you make!
412
00:15:19,260 --> 00:15:22,172
Oh, then what's that marinara
sauce on your collar?
413
00:15:22,180 --> 00:15:23,700
Mm, yes, explain that.
414
00:15:23,710 --> 00:15:24,880
This is lipstick!
415
00:15:24,890 --> 00:15:27,093
I've been having several torrid affairs!
416
00:15:27,100 --> 00:15:29,262
Oh, my God! You have
been eating her food.
417
00:15:29,270 --> 00:15:31,097
An occasional snack!
418
00:15:31,100 --> 00:15:33,050
Lunch, dinner, at my home,
419
00:15:33,070 --> 00:15:35,894
in the store, in the very
car you drove here today!
420
00:15:35,900 --> 00:15:37,687
I knew the DeVille smelled shrimpy!
421
00:15:37,690 --> 00:15:39,390
Fine! She's been feeding me!
422
00:15:39,400 --> 00:15:41,024
But it meant nothing!
423
00:15:41,030 --> 00:15:43,818
Or does it mean you
couldn't satisfy him?
424
00:15:43,820 --> 00:15:45,300
Well, I can.
425
00:15:45,310 --> 00:15:47,480
And I had him begging for seconds!
426
00:15:47,500 --> 00:15:50,480
Ohh! Ohh!
427
00:15:52,800 --> 00:15:54,530
Ohh!
428
00:15:55,430 --> 00:15:57,120
- Oh!
- Oh, my word!
429
00:15:57,130 --> 00:15:59,626
This is just like "Dynasty,"
but with smaller hats.
430
00:15:59,630 --> 00:16:03,890
Maybe now you'll keep
your hands off my store!
431
00:16:03,900 --> 00:16:06,710
What? Your store?! I don't
want your hideous store.
432
00:16:06,720 --> 00:16:09,219
Well, then why were you
trying to take it from me?
433
00:16:09,220 --> 00:16:10,550
I wasn't.
434
00:16:10,560 --> 00:16:12,805
I was just trying to be
a part of Mike's life.
435
00:16:12,810 --> 00:16:15,391
You know, a real partner,
like you are with Murray.
436
00:16:15,400 --> 00:16:16,540
What?
437
00:16:16,560 --> 00:16:18,460
Well, Mike only thinks of me one way...
438
00:16:18,470 --> 00:16:22,023
as an incredibly stunning,
beautiful, and sexy woman.
439
00:16:22,030 --> 00:16:24,234
That's not far from the truth.
I mean, look at her wet.
440
00:16:24,240 --> 00:16:26,570
I want more. Okay?
441
00:16:26,580 --> 00:16:29,890
But... I guess that'll never happen.
442
00:16:30,680 --> 00:16:33,570
As Jane left my mom
wallowing in the deep end,
443
00:16:33,580 --> 00:16:36,380
my friendship with my
best bud had taken a dive.
444
00:16:36,390 --> 00:16:38,164
- Hey.
- What's with the sad face?
445
00:16:38,170 --> 00:16:40,349
Dave Kim also cut you to your
very core with sharp words
446
00:16:40,350 --> 00:16:41,910
that won't stop replaying in your head?
447
00:16:41,920 --> 00:16:44,504
Nope. He just stopped
being my best friend.
448
00:16:44,510 --> 00:16:46,740
Oh, come on, it's Dave Kim.
You'll figure it out.
449
00:16:46,750 --> 00:16:47,757
Not this time.
450
00:16:47,760 --> 00:16:50,050
Well, if there's one
thing you're good at,
451
00:16:50,060 --> 00:16:52,720
it's winning back someone's
heart with a grand gesture.
452
00:16:52,740 --> 00:16:55,181
I'll just do the thing I always
do that always works!
453
00:16:55,190 --> 00:16:57,183
Always. Now go to him!
454
00:16:57,190 --> 00:16:58,643
Barry was right.
455
00:16:58,650 --> 00:17:01,729
I was the king of big,
apologetic gestures.
456
00:17:01,730 --> 00:17:03,147
The "Say Anything" boombox?
457
00:17:03,150 --> 00:17:04,440
I'm turning on the sprinklers!
458
00:17:04,450 --> 00:17:06,100
Aw, geez! Ohh!
459
00:17:06,110 --> 00:17:09,450
Problem was, Dave Kim knew all my moves.
460
00:17:09,460 --> 00:17:11,379
Sappy montage of all
our greatest moments,
461
00:17:11,380 --> 00:17:13,450
some in shameless slow-motion,
462
00:17:13,460 --> 00:17:16,530
set to an emotionally manipulative song?
463
00:17:16,540 --> 00:17:18,590
So I pulled out my biggest weapon.
464
00:17:18,600 --> 00:17:20,120
Okay, okay! Here he comes!
465
00:17:20,130 --> 00:17:23,040
Not even Dave Kim could
resist a giant musical number.
466
00:17:23,060 --> 00:17:25,795
- A-one and a-two...
- Stop! Nobody dance!
467
00:17:25,800 --> 00:17:28,590
But we have a humongous
choreographed musical number
468
00:17:28,600 --> 00:17:31,600
set to the song "Friends"
by rap-pop duo Whodini.
469
00:17:31,620 --> 00:17:33,060
You don't get it.
470
00:17:33,070 --> 00:17:35,050
The only reason I even chose NYU
471
00:17:35,060 --> 00:17:36,349
was because you were going to be there.
472
00:17:36,350 --> 00:17:39,649
But after what you did,
we are no longer friends,
473
00:17:39,650 --> 00:17:40,810
and we never will be.
474
00:17:47,890 --> 00:17:50,629
Really?! You heard
that whole conversation
475
00:17:50,630 --> 00:17:52,470
and thought, "We're still doing it"?
476
00:17:54,680 --> 00:17:57,210
I had treated my best friend terribly.
477
00:17:57,220 --> 00:17:59,680
The only thing left for me
to do was try to forget him.
478
00:17:59,690 --> 00:18:01,331
I'm trashing all my cherished memories.
479
00:18:01,340 --> 00:18:03,660
Hold up. Maybe I want the box.
480
00:18:03,680 --> 00:18:04,709
What is this stuff?
481
00:18:04,710 --> 00:18:07,211
It's my Dave Kim keepsake collection.
482
00:18:07,220 --> 00:18:08,796
Sure, we all have one.
483
00:18:08,800 --> 00:18:10,259
Is this a Minnesota Vikings tablecloth?
484
00:18:10,260 --> 00:18:13,920
It's the wizard cloak we
used in our D&D adventures.
485
00:18:13,940 --> 00:18:16,380
- Ticket stubs?
- Our first Weird Al concert.
486
00:18:16,400 --> 00:18:17,710
He played "I Want a New Duck"
487
00:18:17,720 --> 00:18:19,309
back to back with "Girls
Just Want To Have Lunch."
488
00:18:19,310 --> 00:18:23,310
Finally. Something not terrifyingly
dorky... a notebook.
489
00:18:23,330 --> 00:18:25,840
That's the English to
Artootin dictionary
490
00:18:25,850 --> 00:18:26,898
from our made-up language.
491
00:18:26,900 --> 00:18:29,880
Why are there six words for "thrust"?
492
00:18:29,890 --> 00:18:32,362
- No way.
- It's a nuanced dialect!
493
00:18:32,370 --> 00:18:33,380
Who knows.
494
00:18:33,390 --> 00:18:34,950
Maybe G.I. Jed will turn out to be
495
00:18:34,960 --> 00:18:37,450
a non-judgmental and
endlessly loyal best friend,
496
00:18:37,460 --> 00:18:38,880
just like Dave Kim.
497
00:18:38,890 --> 00:18:41,037
Aww.
498
00:18:41,040 --> 00:18:42,989
I can't bear to see that little weirdo
499
00:18:42,990 --> 00:18:44,499
without the other little weirdo.
500
00:18:45,030 --> 00:18:46,390
I have an idea.
501
00:18:46,400 --> 00:18:50,600
With that, my brother and sister
set out to prove that apologizing
502
00:18:50,620 --> 00:18:52,250
was a universal language.
503
00:18:52,260 --> 00:18:54,258
Tell Adam whatever
this is, I don't want it.
504
00:18:54,260 --> 00:18:56,052
Wait. He doesn't know that we're here.
505
00:18:56,060 --> 00:18:58,554
We've got something to
say to you, Dave Kim.
506
00:18:58,740 --> 00:19:00,890
Kaa-toom ault-fay bleep bloop.
507
00:19:01,990 --> 00:19:06,562
Am-day zeep arrrrr wee choot-choot.
508
00:19:07,660 --> 00:19:11,526
Fee torp Dam-ay doop-doop
weee, diots-iay.
509
00:19:11,530 --> 00:19:13,640
You guys learned Artootin?
510
00:19:13,660 --> 00:19:16,364
Feep-feep, ova tizz. Meeg norp?
511
00:19:17,800 --> 00:19:18,900
Yeah.
512
00:19:18,920 --> 00:19:21,994
We kinda just memorized
that small chunk.
513
00:19:22,000 --> 00:19:23,700
Anyway, we're sorry if we destroyed
514
00:19:23,710 --> 00:19:27,160
what you and Adam had, but
we hope that it's not unfixable.
515
00:19:27,170 --> 00:19:30,253
The reason none of Adam's big
gestures of love worked on you
516
00:19:30,270 --> 00:19:31,630
is 'cause...
517
00:19:31,640 --> 00:19:33,506
... you know him better than anyone.
518
00:19:33,510 --> 00:19:36,280
My brother and sister were
trying to remind Dave Kim
519
00:19:36,290 --> 00:19:37,593
how much our friendship meant.
520
00:19:37,600 --> 00:19:41,600
Meanwhile, my mom had to make
peace with her greatest enemy.
521
00:19:41,620 --> 00:19:43,391
I'm sorry.
522
00:19:43,400 --> 00:19:47,311
Things got a little...
w... way out of hand.
523
00:19:47,320 --> 00:19:49,350
Well, you didn't have to
go and seduce my man
524
00:19:49,360 --> 00:19:51,740
with your delicious boiled meats.
525
00:19:51,760 --> 00:19:54,100
- Boiled?
- I don't know food!
526
00:19:55,070 --> 00:19:56,362
When I was a child,
527
00:19:56,370 --> 00:19:58,700
all my mother ever made
were gin and tonics
528
00:19:58,710 --> 00:20:00,830
and cold conversation.
529
00:20:00,840 --> 00:20:02,326
God, I love her.
530
00:20:02,330 --> 00:20:05,650
For me, I remember going
into my father's store
531
00:20:05,670 --> 00:20:08,870
and watching him put
out those paper cups.
532
00:20:08,880 --> 00:20:10,668
I didn't know that.
533
00:20:10,670 --> 00:20:13,087
It's kind of the only
connection I have left.
534
00:20:14,340 --> 00:20:16,610
I'll leave the store alone.
535
00:20:17,790 --> 00:20:19,051
Thank you.
536
00:20:19,060 --> 00:20:21,900
And I know that Mike looks
like a doughnut with a face,
537
00:20:21,910 --> 00:20:24,650
but... he's growing on me.
538
00:20:26,230 --> 00:20:27,685
I wanna keep him.
539
00:20:29,400 --> 00:20:33,107
Well, maybe I could help you with that.
540
00:20:34,170 --> 00:20:36,280
Friendships can be complicated,
541
00:20:36,300 --> 00:20:39,200
- whether new or lifelong.
- Hey, Adam.
542
00:20:39,210 --> 00:20:41,073
Or should I say roommate?
543
00:20:41,080 --> 00:20:42,825
Seriously?! You mean it?
544
00:20:42,830 --> 00:20:45,200
- I do.
- Thank you, Dave Kim.
545
00:20:45,220 --> 00:20:47,955
I can't imagine going to college
without my best friend.
546
00:20:49,490 --> 00:20:52,610
They call for equal parts
trust, understanding,
547
00:20:52,620 --> 00:20:54,545
and forgiveness.
548
00:20:54,550 --> 00:20:56,047
And if you follow the recipe...
549
00:20:56,050 --> 00:20:58,330
- Hey.
- ... you'll eventually learn...
550
00:20:58,340 --> 00:21:00,210
It's not bad!
551
00:21:00,220 --> 00:21:03,460
... life can be pretty delicious.
552
00:21:04,980 --> 00:21:07,475
We're gonna help you decide
what you're gonna take to college.
553
00:21:07,480 --> 00:21:09,450
My Omnibot cassette-playing robot
554
00:21:09,470 --> 00:21:11,340
with Huey Lewis and the News inside!
555
00:21:11,350 --> 00:21:13,050
Here's something that
shouldn't be news...
556
00:21:13,070 --> 00:21:14,482
Women don't like robots.
557
00:21:14,490 --> 00:21:16,000
He-Man and the entire line
558
00:21:16,010 --> 00:21:18,110
of Masters of Universe action figures.
559
00:21:18,120 --> 00:21:20,321
In this universe,
you will get no action.
560
00:21:20,330 --> 00:21:21,680
My trusty calculator watch.
561
00:21:21,700 --> 00:21:24,450
The only thing you'll watch
is the babes run away.
562
00:21:24,460 --> 00:21:27,000
Nothing's cooler than my
Indiana Jones hat and whip.
563
00:21:27,020 --> 00:21:28,989
Ow!
564
00:21:28,990 --> 00:21:33,000
- Synced & corrected by MementMori -
-- www.addic7ed.com --
42348
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