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Ashraf ALDeeb Translation
ashrafdeeb@hotmail.com
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00:00:27,430 --> 00:00:28,400
Sir?
4
00:00:28,400 --> 00:00:29,510
There's trouble on Earth.
5
00:00:29,510 --> 00:00:31,890
DEEP VOICE: So what else is new?
6
00:00:31,890 --> 00:00:33,970
MAN: But this time, we
might be able to help.
7
00:00:33,970 --> 00:00:34,870
Take a look.
8
00:00:34,870 --> 00:00:36,950
See that couple down there?
9
00:00:36,950 --> 00:00:38,390
DEEP VOICE: Oh, yes.
10
00:00:38,390 --> 00:00:39,830
Nice people.
11
00:00:39,830 --> 00:00:41,750
Let's send an angel to help.
12
00:00:41,750 --> 00:00:45,040
MAN: But sir, the only one
available is Gabriel,
13
00:00:45,040 --> 00:00:46,670
and you took his wings away after the mess
14
00:00:46,670 --> 00:00:48,340
he caused last time.
15
00:00:48,340 --> 00:00:50,540
DEEP VOICE: Well, send him down and maybe
16
00:00:50,540 --> 00:00:52,540
he'll earn his wings back.
17
00:00:52,540 --> 00:00:54,690
MAN: But you know what
kind of chaos he'll cause.
18
00:00:54,690 --> 00:00:58,550
DEEP VOICE: Solving this kind
of problem is never easy.
19
00:00:58,550 --> 00:01:02,050
You know what they say.
20
00:01:02,050 --> 00:01:05,540
If you want to make an omelet,
you have to crack some eggs.
21
00:01:20,510 --> 00:01:23,500
[CLUCKING]
22
00:01:28,990 --> 00:01:30,990
[CHICKEN SHOUTING AND GROANING]
23
00:01:34,980 --> 00:01:38,840
NARRATOR: This is the story of a
couple, Bill Andrews and Carol
24
00:01:38,840 --> 00:01:41,000
Griffiths, who have come to family court,
25
00:01:41,000 --> 00:01:43,480
like so many other couples today,
26
00:01:43,480 --> 00:01:48,140
to settle their problems in a
mature and peaceful fashion.
27
00:01:48,140 --> 00:01:49,620
[GROANING]
28
00:01:51,110 --> 00:01:52,150
Let go of me!
29
00:01:52,150 --> 00:01:52,950
I hate him!
30
00:01:52,950 --> 00:01:55,930
You stupid lying bitch!
31
00:01:55,930 --> 00:01:58,420
[SCREAMING]
32
00:01:59,920 --> 00:02:02,610
Order!
33
00:02:02,610 --> 00:02:03,410
Quiet!
34
00:02:07,900 --> 00:02:09,900
Order!
35
00:02:09,900 --> 00:02:11,900
Be seated!
36
00:02:11,900 --> 00:02:14,940
Another outburst like this,
and I'll clear the court.
37
00:02:14,940 --> 00:02:16,420
Let's go Carol.
38
00:02:16,420 --> 00:02:17,900
Carol, hey, hey, hey!
39
00:02:17,900 --> 00:02:21,020
Now, I can understand the explosive nature
40
00:02:21,020 --> 00:02:22,860
of a palimony case.
41
00:02:22,860 --> 00:02:26,030
I mean, when a couple has lived
together for three years
42
00:02:26,030 --> 00:02:29,380
or so, as you, Bill Andrews,
and you, Carol Griffiths,
43
00:02:29,380 --> 00:02:33,060
have and have not gotten married, dividing
44
00:02:33,060 --> 00:02:35,880
the property in a just and equitable manner
45
00:02:35,880 --> 00:02:40,650
can be quite difficult. So you
decide to sue each other-- not
46
00:02:40,650 --> 00:02:44,030
for alimony but for palimony.
47
00:02:44,030 --> 00:02:45,850
Yes, palimony.
48
00:02:45,850 --> 00:02:49,010
That's a word these days that
is found on everybody's lips.
49
00:02:52,730 --> 00:02:55,410
BILL (VOICEOVER): Look at her, so smug.
50
00:02:55,410 --> 00:02:58,270
What did I ever see in that witch?
51
00:02:58,270 --> 00:02:59,620
[CACKLING]
52
00:03:00,970 --> 00:03:05,090
CAROL (VOICEOVER): How could I
ever have loved that monster?
53
00:03:05,090 --> 00:03:06,450
[SNARLING]
54
00:03:07,740 --> 00:03:11,140
BILL (VOICEOVER): That bitch.
55
00:03:11,140 --> 00:03:12,110
CAROL (VOICEOVER): That turd.
56
00:03:15,890 --> 00:03:18,700
In view of the turmoil
that this case is causing
57
00:03:18,700 --> 00:03:22,420
and the new legal territories
which must be explored,
58
00:03:22,420 --> 00:03:24,240
I would like to meet with the complainants
59
00:03:24,240 --> 00:03:26,320
privately in my chambers.
60
00:03:26,320 --> 00:03:27,120
This court is adjourned.
61
00:03:32,800 --> 00:03:35,350
Mr. Andrews and Miss Griffiths, would
62
00:03:35,350 --> 00:03:37,060
you mind if a couple of my associates
63
00:03:37,060 --> 00:03:40,190
sat in on our little talk?
64
00:03:40,190 --> 00:03:41,820
I'd like you to meet a
couple of people that have
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00:03:41,820 --> 00:03:43,370
the same problems you have.
66
00:03:46,790 --> 00:03:50,900
This is Cindy, and this is Bud.
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00:03:50,900 --> 00:03:53,700
Cindy, Bud, you know Bill and Carol?
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00:03:53,700 --> 00:03:54,500
Do you like them?
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00:03:54,500 --> 00:03:55,930
I think she's pretty.
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00:03:55,930 --> 00:03:58,420
Can I go back in my drawer now?
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00:03:58,420 --> 00:03:59,910
Bud!
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00:03:59,910 --> 00:04:01,960
Would you mind telling us a
little about yourselves?
73
00:04:01,960 --> 00:04:02,760
Oh, god.
74
00:04:02,760 --> 00:04:05,220
Not this again.
75
00:04:05,220 --> 00:04:09,280
I'm an associate with the
legal firm of Crum and Scrum.
76
00:04:09,280 --> 00:04:12,630
I received my masters in psychology,
77
00:04:12,630 --> 00:04:18,280
and I coordinate the firm's
dealings in investment banking.
78
00:04:18,280 --> 00:04:19,170
Hey, Carol?
79
00:04:19,170 --> 00:04:20,410
Hm?
80
00:04:20,410 --> 00:04:21,910
Nice tits.
81
00:04:21,910 --> 00:04:22,820
[GROAN]
82
00:04:22,820 --> 00:04:27,320
I have a fine job with a great
deal of responsibility.
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00:04:27,320 --> 00:04:31,390
Besides being an inventor for
several patented techniques
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00:04:31,390 --> 00:04:34,080
to make chickens lay more eggs, I'm
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00:04:34,080 --> 00:04:39,590
a highly respected expert at the
delicate task of egg handling.
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00:04:39,590 --> 00:04:43,360
Oh, baby, don't look!
87
00:04:43,360 --> 00:04:44,340
Andrews!
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00:04:44,340 --> 00:04:47,720
You are a shithead!
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00:04:47,720 --> 00:04:49,980
[MUSIC PLAYING]
90
00:04:50,950 --> 00:04:54,330
BILL (VOICEOVER): I remember
perfectly how Carol and I met.
91
00:04:54,330 --> 00:04:56,760
It was on a Tuesday.
92
00:04:56,760 --> 00:04:58,400
CAROL (VOICEOVER): It was a Thursday, Bill.
93
00:05:01,120 --> 00:05:02,910
BILL (VOICEOVER): I got a
call to deliver a truckload
94
00:05:02,910 --> 00:05:06,290
of fryer chickens to the
law firm where she works,
95
00:05:06,290 --> 00:05:08,800
Curm and Scurm.
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00:05:08,800 --> 00:05:11,830
CAROL (VOICEOVER): Crum and Scrum.
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00:05:11,830 --> 00:05:12,770
[PHONE RINGING]
98
00:05:13,570 --> 00:05:16,300
I have an order here for 20 fryer chickens
99
00:05:16,300 --> 00:05:20,280
to be delivered by noon today
to Crum and Scrum attorney.
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00:05:20,280 --> 00:05:22,210
I don't care what your order says.
101
00:05:22,210 --> 00:05:25,570
I ordered fried chicken not live chicken.
102
00:05:25,570 --> 00:05:27,950
Now, I have 30 people coming
today for a board of directors
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00:05:27,950 --> 00:05:29,480
meeting that I have to feed.
104
00:05:29,480 --> 00:05:31,130
Now, just get them out.
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00:05:31,130 --> 00:05:33,020
Look, lady, I'll be glad
to take them with me,
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00:05:33,020 --> 00:05:34,360
but this is a COD.
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00:05:34,360 --> 00:05:35,610
I can't leave without the money.
108
00:05:35,610 --> 00:05:38,980
So if you'll give me
$72.37 and just sign here,
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00:05:38,980 --> 00:05:39,890
we'll all be on our way.
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00:05:39,890 --> 00:05:42,710
I don't even know what fryer chickens are.
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00:05:42,710 --> 00:05:45,990
Now, just get them out
before they make a mess.
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00:05:45,990 --> 00:05:46,790
Ooh, look.
113
00:05:46,790 --> 00:05:48,940
It's starting to mate.
114
00:05:48,940 --> 00:05:52,550
BILL: Look, lady, that's what chickens do!
115
00:05:52,550 --> 00:05:55,040
[SCREAMING]
116
00:06:14,700 --> 00:06:15,500
Please!
117
00:06:15,500 --> 00:06:17,000
Somebody get him off me!
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00:06:29,480 --> 00:06:32,470
[MUSIC - CAPTAIN AND TENILLE,
"LOVE WILL KEEP US TOGETHER"]
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To us.
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00:08:03,410 --> 00:08:05,570
We didn't care about
getting married because--
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00:08:05,570 --> 00:08:07,600
We really thought we loved each other, so--
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00:08:07,600 --> 00:08:09,510
We decided to move in together, and--
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00:08:09,510 --> 00:08:12,340
Boy, did we make a mistake.
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00:08:12,340 --> 00:08:20,030
Bill, Carol-- [BELCH]-- palimony
125
00:08:20,030 --> 00:08:22,410
is a concept that lawyers have dreamed
126
00:08:22,410 --> 00:08:24,480
up when business is slow.
127
00:08:24,480 --> 00:08:25,710
I mean, I've been around a long time,
128
00:08:25,710 --> 00:08:28,210
and this is a problem of relationships.
129
00:08:28,210 --> 00:08:31,210
Whether you call it palimony
or separation or divorce
130
00:08:31,210 --> 00:08:34,010
or separation and palimony
and divorce or-- it's
131
00:08:34,010 --> 00:08:36,020
all the same thing.
132
00:08:36,020 --> 00:08:39,960
Your problems are the same
problems that have faced us
133
00:08:39,960 --> 00:08:42,200
since the dawn of time.
134
00:08:42,200 --> 00:08:44,520
Surely the cave-woman must
have suffered at the hands
135
00:08:44,520 --> 00:08:48,090
of lust-hungry caveman.
136
00:08:48,090 --> 00:08:52,710
I mean, her supple frame abused,
her melon-heavy breasts heaving
137
00:08:52,710 --> 00:08:58,220
in sensuous delight, her
lust-hardened nipples like two
138
00:08:58,220 --> 00:09:03,570
fire-red bullets, twisted and
bitten and making hot monkey
139
00:09:03,570 --> 00:09:08,280
love in the steaming swamps and
all the animals watching--
140
00:09:08,280 --> 00:09:12,580
that tiny little possum and a
beaver and the little ducks
141
00:09:12,580 --> 00:09:14,880
and all the friends of Mister Goat
142
00:09:14,880 --> 00:09:18,960
and the chickens were just--
143
00:09:22,730 --> 00:09:25,170
You get the general idea.
144
00:09:25,170 --> 00:09:27,760
I mean, try to imagine what it was like.
145
00:09:43,850 --> 00:09:45,350
GABRIEL (VOICEOVER): This is the time
146
00:09:45,350 --> 00:09:48,220
when man distinguished
himself from the animals
147
00:09:48,220 --> 00:09:50,260
by walking erect.
148
00:09:50,260 --> 00:09:51,330
[BOING]
149
00:09:51,330 --> 00:09:54,820
Hey, Joe, Harry, Melvin-- incredible!
150
00:09:54,820 --> 00:09:57,970
Take a look at this thing!
151
00:09:57,970 --> 00:09:59,460
How did that happen?
152
00:09:59,460 --> 00:10:01,090
GABRIEL (VOICEOVER):
Cavemen quickly learned
153
00:10:01,090 --> 00:10:02,570
to take matters in hand.
154
00:10:02,570 --> 00:10:04,570
Bronto, I'm having a little
get-together on Friday,
155
00:10:04,570 --> 00:10:05,370
and you must attend.
156
00:10:05,370 --> 00:10:06,170
Sure, Rock.
157
00:10:06,170 --> 00:10:08,080
We're going to have pterodactyl
burgers, the works.
158
00:10:08,080 --> 00:10:08,880
Great.
159
00:10:08,880 --> 00:10:09,680
Who you taking?
160
00:10:09,680 --> 00:10:11,670
The same guy I saw you with
at the tribal sacrifice?
161
00:10:11,670 --> 00:10:12,520
No. Tyrannosaurus.
162
00:10:12,520 --> 00:10:14,070
-Rex? -Oh, is he Australopithecus?
163
00:10:14,070 --> 00:10:15,590
Oh, no, no. He's Peking.
164
00:10:15,590 --> 00:10:16,390
Oh, Peking.
165
00:10:16,390 --> 00:10:17,960
I dated one when I first
came out of the cave.
166
00:10:17,960 --> 00:10:19,180
It nearly ruined me.
167
00:10:19,180 --> 00:10:21,290
GABRIEL (VOICEOVER): As man
became more civilized,
168
00:10:21,290 --> 00:10:23,530
he recognized that his woman also
169
00:10:23,530 --> 00:10:28,050
had needs and finally gave her
the satisfaction she craved.
170
00:10:28,050 --> 00:10:29,230
Do it to me!
171
00:10:29,230 --> 00:10:30,360
Do it to me!
172
00:10:35,880 --> 00:10:37,710
GABRIEL (VOICEOVER):
This kind of cooperation
173
00:10:37,710 --> 00:10:42,760
led to great inventions, such as the wheel!
174
00:10:42,760 --> 00:10:45,210
[GRUNTING]
175
00:11:02,320 --> 00:11:03,760
GABRIEL (VOICEOVER): The wheel, by itself,
176
00:11:03,760 --> 00:11:05,820
proved to be a hard nut to crack.
177
00:11:05,820 --> 00:11:07,950
So to prevent further mishap, they
178
00:11:07,950 --> 00:11:13,070
connected the wheel to an axle.
179
00:11:13,070 --> 00:11:16,540
[COMMUNICATING IN GRUNTING]
180
00:11:54,110 --> 00:11:57,080
[MOANING]
181
00:12:08,500 --> 00:12:12,500
GABRIEL (VOICEOVER): And
then they invented fire.
182
00:12:12,500 --> 00:12:16,370
Oh, your honor, you're such a romantic.
183
00:12:16,370 --> 00:12:20,420
But our relationship is beyond repair.
184
00:12:20,420 --> 00:12:22,870
You mean to tell me that
there were no good times?
185
00:12:22,870 --> 00:12:27,870
Well, maybe when we first
shared a house together.
186
00:12:27,870 --> 00:12:30,610
I couldn't keep my hands off her.
187
00:12:30,610 --> 00:12:34,100
[MUSIC - CAPTAIN AND TENILLE,
"LOVE WILL KEEP US TOGETHER"]
188
00:13:04,540 --> 00:13:08,030
[RHYTHMIC DANCE MUSIC]
189
00:15:36,890 --> 00:15:39,200
[CORK POPPING]
190
00:15:39,200 --> 00:15:41,640
[EROTIC MUSIC]
191
00:16:44,250 --> 00:16:46,200
So what happened after that?
192
00:16:46,200 --> 00:16:48,350
My wife taught me how to do this.
193
00:16:48,350 --> 00:16:51,520
All he ever did was work on
those stupid inventions of his.
194
00:16:51,520 --> 00:16:54,390
Oh, I got news for you, sweetheart.
195
00:16:54,390 --> 00:16:56,230
I was working so hard for you.
196
00:16:56,230 --> 00:16:58,020
If those inventions had ever made it,
197
00:16:58,020 --> 00:17:00,300
we'd have made $1 million.
198
00:17:00,300 --> 00:17:03,850
Oh, Bill, you were working for yourself
199
00:17:03,850 --> 00:17:05,400
and your precious mother.
200
00:17:05,400 --> 00:17:07,710
Oh, get off my back about my mother.
201
00:17:07,710 --> 00:17:09,590
What has she ever done to you?
202
00:17:09,590 --> 00:17:10,390
Quiet!
203
00:17:10,390 --> 00:17:12,670
I can't hear the blender!
204
00:17:12,670 --> 00:17:14,800
It's that you never stood up to her.
205
00:17:14,800 --> 00:17:17,980
Well, at least my mother
knows how to treat a man.
206
00:17:17,980 --> 00:17:20,090
And you'll never be half
the man your mother is.
207
00:17:23,400 --> 00:17:25,980
I feel so humiliated.
208
00:17:25,980 --> 00:17:28,750
Bill, do I really have to?
209
00:17:28,750 --> 00:17:30,500
Please, Carol.
210
00:17:30,500 --> 00:17:33,080
CAROL (VOICEOVER): Bill was so
terrified of his mother that he
211
00:17:33,080 --> 00:17:35,160
made me dress up like a Spanish maid
212
00:17:35,160 --> 00:17:37,160
when she came to visit so she wouldn't
213
00:17:37,160 --> 00:17:38,850
know we were living together.
214
00:17:38,850 --> 00:17:40,730
Just this once?
215
00:17:40,730 --> 00:17:42,160
[DOORBELL]
216
00:17:42,160 --> 00:17:43,580
[KNOCKING]
217
00:17:46,840 --> 00:17:48,210
I am Mrs. Andrews.
218
00:17:48,210 --> 00:17:49,860
Hello, Billy.
219
00:17:49,860 --> 00:17:50,730
Hi, Mom.
220
00:17:50,730 --> 00:17:53,690
You can take your orders
directly from me now.
221
00:17:53,690 --> 00:17:54,780
When's dinner?
222
00:17:54,780 --> 00:17:56,730
I'm hungry.
223
00:17:56,730 --> 00:17:58,190
Get those bags in here.
224
00:18:01,600 --> 00:18:03,780
Why don't you just tell her
we're living together?
225
00:18:03,780 --> 00:18:05,470
It would kill her.
226
00:18:05,470 --> 00:18:07,490
She's so frail.
227
00:18:07,490 --> 00:18:08,880
[BLOWING NOSE]
228
00:18:10,720 --> 00:18:13,600
Oh, the place looks so much better
229
00:18:13,600 --> 00:18:14,830
now that you've got the maid.
230
00:18:14,830 --> 00:18:18,570
You must be doing very well.
231
00:18:18,570 --> 00:18:22,080
Oh, by the way, I know this will
come as a great disappointment,
232
00:18:22,080 --> 00:18:25,680
but I can only stay three weeks this time.
233
00:18:25,680 --> 00:18:27,110
[DISHES BREAKING]
234
00:18:27,110 --> 00:18:28,840
Uh, yes.
235
00:18:28,840 --> 00:18:31,860
Uh, Mom.
236
00:18:31,860 --> 00:18:36,410
There's, uh-- there's
something I want to tell you.
237
00:18:36,410 --> 00:18:40,380
Uh, do you speak English?
238
00:18:40,380 --> 00:18:41,990
You should serve from the left.
239
00:18:48,570 --> 00:18:51,890
Could you ask the maid for some milk?
240
00:18:51,890 --> 00:18:52,690
Carmelita?
241
00:18:57,800 --> 00:19:01,770
Could we have some milk for my mother?
242
00:19:01,770 --> 00:19:02,570
Milk?
243
00:19:05,280 --> 00:19:08,240
Oh, el milk-o.
244
00:19:08,240 --> 00:19:11,000
And warm it up, par fa-vor.
245
00:19:14,420 --> 00:19:16,960
I want to show you my tombstone.
246
00:19:16,960 --> 00:19:20,370
I got a few samples right here.
247
00:19:20,370 --> 00:19:22,380
Oh.
248
00:19:22,380 --> 00:19:23,940
Here's my favorite.
249
00:19:23,940 --> 00:19:25,170
Mommy.
250
00:19:25,170 --> 00:19:27,920
You don't think the color
is too loud, do you?
251
00:19:27,920 --> 00:19:28,720
Mom!
252
00:19:28,720 --> 00:19:36,340
I need an epitaph-- something
short, like Louise Andrews
253
00:19:36,340 --> 00:19:40,520
died without grandchildren.
254
00:19:40,520 --> 00:19:44,980
Mother, listen to me.
255
00:19:44,980 --> 00:19:49,950
Carmelita is not the maid.
256
00:19:49,950 --> 00:19:53,090
Her name is Carol, and she lives with me.
257
00:19:53,090 --> 00:19:56,080
And we're not getting married.
258
00:19:56,080 --> 00:19:57,790
Oh!
259
00:19:57,790 --> 00:19:59,740
Oh, the palpitations!
260
00:19:59,740 --> 00:20:01,200
Oh, my heart!
261
00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:03,210
Oh, living with a servant!
262
00:20:03,210 --> 00:20:04,640
She's pregnant!
263
00:20:04,640 --> 00:20:06,150
That's it, isn't it?
264
00:20:06,150 --> 00:20:07,610
She must be pregnant.
265
00:20:07,610 --> 00:20:09,060
No, that's not it.
266
00:20:09,060 --> 00:20:12,290
And this will calm those palpitations!
267
00:20:12,290 --> 00:20:15,140
No!
268
00:20:15,140 --> 00:20:16,090
Carol!
269
00:20:16,090 --> 00:20:17,060
[SCREAMING]
270
00:20:17,060 --> 00:20:19,310
CAROL (VOICEOVER): I showed her.
271
00:20:19,310 --> 00:20:23,370
After that, she only stayed for two weeks.
272
00:20:23,370 --> 00:20:24,640
The way you talk, you'd think you
273
00:20:24,640 --> 00:20:27,350
were the first man and woman
on the face of this Earth.
274
00:20:27,350 --> 00:20:29,460
Would it shock you to
know that Adam and Eve
275
00:20:29,460 --> 00:20:31,860
had the same problems you have?
276
00:20:31,860 --> 00:20:33,610
And they didn't even have contoured sheets.
277
00:20:40,120 --> 00:20:42,240
Eve really got Adam into trouble.
278
00:20:42,240 --> 00:20:47,070
And it all began when they
met at that singles' bar.
279
00:20:47,070 --> 00:20:49,150
GABRIEL (VOICEOVER): Until Eve
came along, that singles'
280
00:20:49,150 --> 00:20:50,950
bar was no Garden of Eden.
281
00:20:50,950 --> 00:20:53,290
It was a real zoo.
282
00:20:53,290 --> 00:20:54,700
[ANIMAL NOISES]
283
00:20:55,860 --> 00:20:57,230
GABRIEL (VOICEOVER): And if you're human,
284
00:20:57,230 --> 00:20:59,570
it's pretty tough to get laid in a zoo.
285
00:20:59,570 --> 00:21:02,050
[MUSIC PLAYING]
286
00:21:19,810 --> 00:21:22,500
Buy you a drink?
287
00:21:22,500 --> 00:21:24,360
Baa!
288
00:21:24,360 --> 00:21:26,220
Beat it, shorty.
289
00:21:26,220 --> 00:21:27,420
She's with me.
290
00:21:27,420 --> 00:21:28,220
Yes, sir.
291
00:21:33,240 --> 00:21:35,360
Come with me to the [INAUDIBLE], baby!
292
00:21:50,520 --> 00:21:53,140
I'm so lonely here.
293
00:21:53,140 --> 00:21:56,030
I'm such a miserable creature.
294
00:21:56,030 --> 00:21:57,780
Look at the winged fowl and the things
295
00:21:57,780 --> 00:22:01,280
that creepeth upon the
earth having a party,
296
00:22:01,280 --> 00:22:03,460
making all that noise.
297
00:22:03,460 --> 00:22:08,420
If only God would make me
a mate-- something soft,
298
00:22:08,420 --> 00:22:13,200
something warm, something
more in my own image.
299
00:22:13,200 --> 00:22:15,210
DEEP VOICE: Something in your own image,
300
00:22:15,210 --> 00:22:17,910
but warmer, softer, rounder?
301
00:22:17,910 --> 00:22:18,710
You got it.
302
00:22:22,710 --> 00:22:25,430
Hm, not bad on such short notice.
303
00:22:25,430 --> 00:22:29,030
I think I'll call it woman.
304
00:22:29,030 --> 00:22:30,800
I think you missed the point!
305
00:22:30,800 --> 00:22:33,470
DEEP VOICE: You prefer blondes?
306
00:22:33,470 --> 00:22:34,270
Fine.
307
00:22:37,250 --> 00:22:38,740
A mate!
308
00:22:38,740 --> 00:22:42,220
God has given me a mate.
309
00:22:42,220 --> 00:22:45,040
My name's Adam, the creature that walk-eth.
310
00:22:45,040 --> 00:22:46,460
I'm Eve.
311
00:22:46,460 --> 00:22:48,670
What do you say we blow this joint?
312
00:22:48,670 --> 00:22:49,470
I guess.
313
00:22:49,470 --> 00:22:51,380
People in here are such animals anyway.
314
00:22:55,010 --> 00:22:57,940
DEEP VOICE: Adam, go forth with Eve.
315
00:22:57,940 --> 00:23:01,860
Be fruitful and multiply.
316
00:23:01,860 --> 00:23:03,710
Is this fruitful enough?
317
00:23:03,710 --> 00:23:05,100
I don't know.
318
00:23:05,100 --> 00:23:08,350
How much is 11 times a pig?
319
00:23:08,350 --> 00:23:10,340
DEEP VOICE: Wrong.
320
00:23:10,340 --> 00:23:13,830
You are to fill the Earth with people.
321
00:23:13,830 --> 00:23:18,700
Look, if you're confused, follow
the example of the rabbits.
322
00:23:21,840 --> 00:23:23,290
The best.
323
00:23:23,290 --> 00:23:25,450
The best.
324
00:23:25,450 --> 00:23:28,610
I'm the best.
325
00:23:28,610 --> 00:23:29,820
I'm going.
326
00:23:29,820 --> 00:23:30,620
I'm going.
327
00:23:33,530 --> 00:23:36,520
Oh!
328
00:23:36,520 --> 00:23:38,010
[SNORING]
329
00:23:38,010 --> 00:23:42,500
DEEP VOICE: Adam, you'd
make a lousy rabbit.
330
00:23:42,500 --> 00:23:44,870
So, do you smoke after sex?
331
00:23:44,870 --> 00:23:47,420
Gee, I don't know.
332
00:23:47,420 --> 00:23:49,360
I never looked.
333
00:23:49,360 --> 00:23:50,690
[PHONE RINGING]
334
00:23:50,690 --> 00:23:51,780
Hello, Stella?
335
00:23:51,780 --> 00:23:52,740
Hold all my calls.
336
00:23:52,740 --> 00:23:54,030
I can't be interrupted.
337
00:23:54,030 --> 00:23:55,390
What do you mean nobody called?
338
00:23:55,390 --> 00:23:57,360
Well, if you can't hold
my calls, hold my balls.
339
00:23:57,360 --> 00:23:58,330
Everybody else does.
340
00:23:58,330 --> 00:23:59,320
[KNOCKING]
341
00:23:59,320 --> 00:24:00,350
Where are you going with that?
342
00:24:00,350 --> 00:24:02,570
You told me to file these briefs.
343
00:24:02,570 --> 00:24:04,030
What do you want?
344
00:24:04,030 --> 00:24:07,110
We're taking this suit to a higher court.
345
00:24:07,110 --> 00:24:08,220
[CHUCKLING]
346
00:24:09,040 --> 00:24:11,290
Everybody's a comedian around here.
347
00:24:11,290 --> 00:24:14,830
I'm looking for Judge [INAUDIBLE].
348
00:24:14,830 --> 00:24:16,490
You want small claims court.
349
00:24:16,490 --> 00:24:18,040
He's three doors down.
350
00:24:18,040 --> 00:24:19,980
Sorry.
351
00:24:19,980 --> 00:24:22,090
What about your social life?
352
00:24:22,090 --> 00:24:24,870
Well, we didn't like to party much.
353
00:24:24,870 --> 00:24:27,910
We preferred to stay in our
quiet little neighborhood
354
00:24:27,910 --> 00:24:30,130
and have philosophical discussions.
355
00:24:30,130 --> 00:24:35,950
Like for instance, the social
significance of the 1960s.
356
00:24:35,950 --> 00:24:37,810
Wow.
357
00:24:37,810 --> 00:24:40,640
Look at my hand.
358
00:24:40,640 --> 00:24:43,360
People were so aware.
359
00:24:43,360 --> 00:24:46,400
People were so free.
360
00:24:46,400 --> 00:24:47,940
Dope was so cheap.
361
00:24:50,690 --> 00:24:52,010
Oh, are you dry yet?
362
00:24:52,010 --> 00:24:52,810
Yeah.
363
00:24:52,810 --> 00:24:53,850
Lay down.
364
00:24:53,850 --> 00:24:55,560
I'm not finished.
365
00:24:55,560 --> 00:24:58,450
I just want to try something
here with a little bit
366
00:24:58,450 --> 00:25:03,290
of everything we have got.
367
00:25:03,290 --> 00:25:04,940
No pastels.
368
00:25:04,940 --> 00:25:09,380
Oh, baby, this is going to be
the best damn body painting
369
00:25:09,380 --> 00:25:12,620
I have ever done in my life.
370
00:25:12,620 --> 00:25:15,990
I know that this will work like nothing,
371
00:25:15,990 --> 00:25:17,460
nothing you can imagine.
372
00:25:20,400 --> 00:25:22,060
It's perfect.
373
00:25:22,060 --> 00:25:23,020
Just a little--
374
00:25:28,790 --> 00:25:29,760
This is art.
375
00:25:33,630 --> 00:25:36,150
Oh, hold me.
376
00:25:36,150 --> 00:25:38,910
I feel so close to you.
377
00:25:38,910 --> 00:25:41,510
If we squeeze hard enough, we could fuse
378
00:25:41,510 --> 00:25:43,430
our bodies together into one.
379
00:25:43,430 --> 00:25:46,270
Yes, yes.
380
00:25:46,270 --> 00:25:48,680
Oh, this is great.
381
00:25:48,680 --> 00:25:50,510
Why'd they ever stop body painting?
382
00:25:50,510 --> 00:25:52,780
I don't know.
383
00:25:52,780 --> 00:25:54,850
Nixon, I think.
384
00:25:54,850 --> 00:25:56,740
[PHONE RINGING]
385
00:25:59,580 --> 00:26:02,530
Why does it always have to happen--
386
00:26:02,530 --> 00:26:03,920
[GRUNTING]
387
00:26:03,920 --> 00:26:04,990
[CHUCKLING]
388
00:26:05,790 --> 00:26:06,780
Carol, will you cut it out?
389
00:26:06,780 --> 00:26:08,210
I've got to answer the phone.
390
00:26:15,330 --> 00:26:16,830
Super glue?
391
00:26:16,830 --> 00:26:19,050
Oh, shit.
392
00:26:19,050 --> 00:26:20,440
We've got to get up. Ready?
393
00:26:20,440 --> 00:26:21,240
I'm ready.
394
00:26:21,240 --> 00:26:22,640
One-- don't laugh.
395
00:26:22,640 --> 00:26:25,090
One, two--
396
00:26:25,090 --> 00:26:26,450
[SCREAMING]
397
00:26:28,280 --> 00:26:29,540
Are you all right?
398
00:26:29,540 --> 00:26:31,020
Yeah.
399
00:26:31,020 --> 00:26:33,860
You'll simply adore this neighborhood.
400
00:26:33,860 --> 00:26:36,540
It is so lovely, and the people are lovely,
401
00:26:36,540 --> 00:26:37,860
and you'll fit right in.
402
00:26:37,860 --> 00:26:40,760
And it is so quiet.
403
00:26:40,760 --> 00:26:42,740
[LOUD CRASH]
404
00:26:47,200 --> 00:26:49,320
Look, if we'd have gone to the garage
405
00:26:49,320 --> 00:26:51,340
and gotten the turpentine like
I suggested, none of this
406
00:26:51,340 --> 00:26:52,160
would have happened.
407
00:26:52,160 --> 00:26:54,090
Oh, perfect time for you
to go to the bathroom.
408
00:26:54,090 --> 00:26:55,930
Well, I told you I was
reaching for the john.
409
00:26:55,930 --> 00:26:58,420
Oh, blame it on me.
410
00:26:58,420 --> 00:26:59,420
Sh.
411
00:26:59,420 --> 00:27:00,910
Look.
412
00:27:00,910 --> 00:27:02,300
Just act natural.
413
00:27:02,300 --> 00:27:04,010
Right.
414
00:27:04,010 --> 00:27:04,810
How do?
415
00:27:04,810 --> 00:27:05,610
Hi.
416
00:27:08,670 --> 00:27:09,750
Come on, Carol.
417
00:27:09,750 --> 00:27:12,320
It's only another two and a
half miles to the hospital.
418
00:27:12,320 --> 00:27:14,040
Hang in.
419
00:27:14,040 --> 00:27:18,450
Look, Mabel, she uses the same
brand tampon that you do.
420
00:27:18,450 --> 00:27:21,370
Then, remember at the
hospital when the nurse asked
421
00:27:21,370 --> 00:27:23,490
us if we wanted to split up?
422
00:27:23,490 --> 00:27:25,480
[CHUCKLING]
423
00:27:28,470 --> 00:27:30,960
[SNORING]
424
00:27:33,950 --> 00:27:35,830
Germans!
425
00:27:35,830 --> 00:27:36,780
Corporal, Germans!
426
00:27:36,780 --> 00:27:38,630
I don't think I can hold them off.
427
00:27:38,630 --> 00:27:40,480
Germans.
428
00:27:40,480 --> 00:27:41,850
Sorry.
429
00:27:41,850 --> 00:27:43,740
Old war wound.
430
00:27:43,740 --> 00:27:44,800
Korea.
431
00:27:44,800 --> 00:27:46,520
You were in Korea?
432
00:27:46,520 --> 00:27:48,300
Yeah, I bought this suit there.
433
00:27:48,300 --> 00:27:49,190
Like it?
434
00:27:49,190 --> 00:27:51,460
You see, I met this Korean bimbo-- you
435
00:27:51,460 --> 00:27:52,790
don't want to hear about that.
436
00:27:52,790 --> 00:27:54,370
I got this rash here.
437
00:27:54,370 --> 00:27:55,830
Do you know anything about rashes, Carol?
438
00:27:55,830 --> 00:27:58,200
Your honor, I think we're
here to talk about us.
439
00:27:58,200 --> 00:28:01,250
Actually, there's something
I meant to ask you kids.
440
00:28:01,250 --> 00:28:03,100
Did you ever think about getting married?
441
00:28:03,100 --> 00:28:07,720
Actually, Bill and I talked
about getting married.
442
00:28:07,720 --> 00:28:10,800
But his answer was always the same.
443
00:28:10,800 --> 00:28:11,610
No!
444
00:28:11,610 --> 00:28:13,650
No!
445
00:28:13,650 --> 00:28:15,280
No!
446
00:28:15,280 --> 00:28:16,080
No!
447
00:28:16,080 --> 00:28:19,110
I always used to dream about my wedding.
448
00:28:19,110 --> 00:28:23,850
I knew exactly how I wanted it
to be, down to the last detail.
449
00:28:23,850 --> 00:28:24,940
[DISCO MUSIC]
450
00:28:25,740 --> 00:28:29,310
CAROL (VOICEOVER): Since it
was just in my imagination,
451
00:28:29,310 --> 00:28:32,100
it was the most beautiful wedding ever.
452
00:28:38,500 --> 00:28:39,980
(RAPPING) I'm cool as a fool.
453
00:28:39,980 --> 00:28:41,040
I'm the best there is.
454
00:28:41,040 --> 00:28:43,220
When I walk down the street,
nobody else exists.
455
00:28:43,220 --> 00:28:45,730
If I'm at a party, better get your lady,
456
00:28:45,730 --> 00:28:47,880
'cause it's for the women
that God did make me.
457
00:28:47,880 --> 00:28:49,820
I float like a butterfly, sting like a bee.
458
00:28:49,820 --> 00:28:52,310
My wang, you rang, it's as big as a tree.
459
00:28:52,310 --> 00:28:54,620
No woman alive could ever make me
460
00:28:54,620 --> 00:28:57,220
drop, 'cause when I break them
open, you can hear them pop.
461
00:28:57,220 --> 00:28:59,220
They say he's cool.
462
00:28:59,220 --> 00:29:01,700
There's nobody finer.
463
00:29:01,700 --> 00:29:06,120
He loves the women from here to China.
464
00:29:06,120 --> 00:29:10,060
[INAUDIBLE] walks away.
465
00:29:10,060 --> 00:29:11,040
Check that out, baby.
466
00:29:11,040 --> 00:29:14,000
Nobody knows how he got this way.
467
00:29:23,340 --> 00:29:25,900
I was eating at the club
on a Saturday night
468
00:29:25,900 --> 00:29:27,400
when this lady left a
man and I had to fight.
469
00:29:27,400 --> 00:29:29,850
It was over in a second when I put
470
00:29:29,850 --> 00:29:31,280
the sucker out, and just for good measure
471
00:29:31,280 --> 00:29:32,080
landed one on her jaw.
472
00:29:32,080 --> 00:29:34,800
Eighty-sixed that place
with the cops on my tail,
473
00:29:34,800 --> 00:29:36,960
I pulled out my revolver,
no way I'd go to jail.
474
00:29:36,960 --> 00:29:39,120
We were screaming down the
street, shooting at the lights.
475
00:29:39,120 --> 00:29:43,220
Then I shot him in the engine
and I said, good night.
476
00:29:43,220 --> 00:29:45,450
BILL (VOICEOVER): So we didn't get married.
477
00:29:45,450 --> 00:29:47,880
We did have sort of a honeymoon.
478
00:29:47,880 --> 00:29:50,960
I took Carol to a tranquil, secluded beach,
479
00:29:50,960 --> 00:29:52,760
where we could discuss the more private
480
00:29:52,760 --> 00:29:55,180
parts of our relationship.
481
00:29:55,180 --> 00:29:57,900
Take your top off.
482
00:29:57,900 --> 00:29:58,870
Oh, god.
483
00:30:02,780 --> 00:30:04,860
I love being alone with you.
484
00:30:07,810 --> 00:30:12,740
It's so great to be away from the crowds.
485
00:30:12,740 --> 00:30:15,700
[SCREAMING]
486
00:30:17,670 --> 00:30:20,630
[BEACH MUSIC]
487
00:30:40,850 --> 00:30:42,390
Folks, used Kleenex!
488
00:30:42,390 --> 00:30:43,720
Freshly used Kleenex!
489
00:30:43,720 --> 00:30:44,680
How about you, lady.
490
00:30:44,680 --> 00:30:46,270
You certainly could use some.
491
00:30:46,270 --> 00:30:47,070
No, thank you.
492
00:30:47,070 --> 00:30:48,770
I got my own supply.
493
00:30:48,770 --> 00:30:49,570
Oh, thank you.
494
00:30:49,570 --> 00:30:51,070
Used Kleenex, folks.
495
00:30:51,070 --> 00:30:52,070
Used Kleenex.
496
00:30:52,070 --> 00:30:53,510
Anyone want-- -Underpants!
497
00:30:53,510 --> 00:30:54,470
Underpants!
498
00:30:54,470 --> 00:30:55,910
I got all kinds of underpants!
499
00:30:55,910 --> 00:30:58,310
Hey, get your underpants!
500
00:30:58,310 --> 00:30:59,270
Yes, sir.
501
00:30:59,270 --> 00:31:00,710
Would you like a bag for that, sir?
502
00:31:00,710 --> 00:31:02,150
No, I'll eat them here.
503
00:31:02,150 --> 00:31:04,190
BILL (VOICEOVER): I can't speak for Carol,
504
00:31:04,190 --> 00:31:05,870
but I certainly didn't let the crowd make
505
00:31:05,870 --> 00:31:07,560
me forget why we were there.
506
00:31:07,560 --> 00:31:10,950
Take your top off.
507
00:31:10,950 --> 00:31:12,400
What?
508
00:31:12,400 --> 00:31:17,730
I said, take your top off!
509
00:31:17,730 --> 00:31:19,680
Thank you.
510
00:31:19,680 --> 00:31:20,660
Now, where were we?
511
00:31:20,660 --> 00:31:21,460
Oh, yes.
512
00:31:21,460 --> 00:31:24,030
I was sitting over where you are, Carol.
513
00:31:24,030 --> 00:31:26,750
Yeah, right here.
514
00:31:26,750 --> 00:31:28,360
You don't mind, do you?
515
00:31:28,360 --> 00:31:29,900
Uh, Judge, about our vacation--
516
00:31:29,900 --> 00:31:31,420
Oh, yes, yes.
517
00:31:31,420 --> 00:31:33,060
About your vacation.
518
00:31:33,060 --> 00:31:36,530
Bill, Carol-- [BELCH]-- the way I see it,
519
00:31:36,530 --> 00:31:39,870
a shared vacation can be an
awful strain on an otherwise
520
00:31:39,870 --> 00:31:41,500
solid relationship.
521
00:31:41,500 --> 00:31:43,830
When Christopher Columbus came to America
522
00:31:43,830 --> 00:31:45,900
with Queen Isabella of Spain, they had
523
00:31:45,900 --> 00:31:48,130
the same problems as you have.
524
00:31:48,130 --> 00:31:50,390
As everyone knows, Columbus and his party
525
00:31:50,390 --> 00:31:54,700
traveled in three small ships--
the Santa Maria, the Nina,
526
00:31:54,700 --> 00:31:56,670
and for himself and his queen, the smaller,
527
00:31:56,670 --> 00:31:58,320
more comfortable Pinto.
528
00:31:58,320 --> 00:32:02,570
Christopher Columbus,
you've gotten us lost.
529
00:32:02,570 --> 00:32:05,830
All right, now, everybody keep
your eyes peeled, because we've
530
00:32:05,830 --> 00:32:07,170
got to make a left turn soon.
531
00:32:07,170 --> 00:32:08,850
Are you sure where we are?
532
00:32:08,850 --> 00:32:11,030
We're right on course.
533
00:32:11,030 --> 00:32:13,750
You always say that, and I say we're lost.
534
00:32:13,750 --> 00:32:14,550
No, no, no.
535
00:32:14,550 --> 00:32:17,000
We're not lost, Queenie, sweetheart.
536
00:32:17,000 --> 00:32:18,400
You know, I checked the globe here.
537
00:32:18,400 --> 00:32:19,850
There's no problem.
538
00:32:19,850 --> 00:32:21,110
Are we there yet?
539
00:32:21,110 --> 00:32:23,110
No!
540
00:32:23,110 --> 00:32:24,610
Look, there it goes!
541
00:32:24,610 --> 00:32:25,560
It's that seagull!
542
00:32:28,220 --> 00:32:29,090
Shit.
543
00:32:29,090 --> 00:32:31,490
When are we gonna be there?
544
00:32:31,490 --> 00:32:33,590
Can we stop and get ice cream?
545
00:32:33,590 --> 00:32:34,810
Enrique's hitting me.
546
00:32:34,810 --> 00:32:35,830
I am not!
547
00:32:35,830 --> 00:32:36,630
You are.
548
00:32:36,630 --> 00:32:37,430
Captain?
549
00:32:37,430 --> 00:32:39,190
Hey, look, if you guys don't shut up,
550
00:32:39,190 --> 00:32:42,660
I'm gonna turn around and
cut off your goombas, eh?
551
00:32:42,660 --> 00:32:43,460
I want to play!
552
00:32:43,460 --> 00:32:45,160
I want to play!
553
00:32:45,160 --> 00:32:46,620
Slow down!
554
00:32:46,620 --> 00:32:47,840
We're in a school crossing.
555
00:32:47,840 --> 00:32:50,240
Look, I know what I'm doing.
556
00:32:50,240 --> 00:32:51,570
School crossing, where?
557
00:32:56,040 --> 00:32:58,290
Bunny has to go wee-wee.
558
00:32:58,290 --> 00:33:00,910
I want bunny to drive.
559
00:33:00,910 --> 00:33:04,150
Bunny has to go wee-wee.
560
00:33:04,150 --> 00:33:06,120
Just why can't the sailors
take care of that
561
00:33:06,120 --> 00:33:08,660
before they leave Spain?
562
00:33:08,660 --> 00:33:10,760
GABRIEL (VOICEOVER): The wind and the waves
563
00:33:10,760 --> 00:33:15,050
finally deposited Columbus on
the shores of the New World.
564
00:33:23,020 --> 00:33:25,020
If you'd only listened to me
and turned at Greenland like I
565
00:33:25,020 --> 00:33:26,250
told you in the first place, we would
566
00:33:26,250 --> 00:33:28,530
have been here months ago.
567
00:33:28,530 --> 00:33:29,680
There go our neighborhood.
568
00:33:29,680 --> 00:33:30,480
Shit.
569
00:33:34,850 --> 00:33:37,470
GABRIEL (VOICEOVER): The New
World was fraught with danger,
570
00:33:37,470 --> 00:33:40,640
especially from the hostile red
man, who threatened Columbus
571
00:33:40,640 --> 00:33:43,900
with great bodily harm.
572
00:33:43,900 --> 00:33:46,740
I can take you to Indian massage parlor.
573
00:33:46,740 --> 00:33:52,630
Pocahontas can apply buffalo
grease to sensitive areas.
574
00:33:52,630 --> 00:33:55,320
She also give-um good head dress.
575
00:34:03,130 --> 00:34:05,010
New in town, sailor boy?
576
00:34:05,010 --> 00:34:06,800
[TRUMPETS]
577
00:34:06,800 --> 00:34:08,280
Hey, what's that?
578
00:34:08,280 --> 00:34:09,360
A flourish of horn.
579
00:34:09,360 --> 00:34:10,160
No, no, no, no.
580
00:34:10,160 --> 00:34:11,500
That.
581
00:34:11,500 --> 00:34:14,230
Oh, they're Indian braves,
learning to hunt bear.
582
00:34:14,230 --> 00:34:15,160
Ouch!
583
00:34:15,160 --> 00:34:16,090
Ouch!
584
00:34:16,090 --> 00:34:17,480
Ouch!
585
00:34:17,480 --> 00:34:20,490
Now, let's get back to business.
586
00:34:20,490 --> 00:34:23,900
So what'll it be, straight
massage, half and half,
587
00:34:23,900 --> 00:34:25,420
around the world?
588
00:34:25,420 --> 00:34:28,480
Hey, wait a minute, don't you
tell me about around the world,
589
00:34:28,480 --> 00:34:29,560
OK, kid?
590
00:34:29,560 --> 00:34:32,820
So, this is what you do when I'm
away, Christopher Columbus.
591
00:34:32,820 --> 00:34:37,650
Uh-- I was just establishing
diplomatic relations.
592
00:34:37,650 --> 00:34:39,470
She's a princess.
593
00:34:39,470 --> 00:34:44,430
I'm gonna beat you into the 17th century.
594
00:34:44,430 --> 00:34:47,040
I'm gonna kick your ass so far, you'll have
595
00:34:47,040 --> 00:34:50,610
to look for it in [INAUDIBLE].
596
00:34:50,610 --> 00:34:52,570
CAROL (VOICEOVER): Well, Judge Gabriel,
597
00:34:52,570 --> 00:34:55,170
it wasn't our vacation
that was the problem.
598
00:34:55,170 --> 00:34:57,600
After Bill and I came back from Miami,
599
00:34:57,600 --> 00:35:00,640
things were OK for a while.
600
00:35:00,640 --> 00:35:03,760
Then I began to notice that he
had all these annoying little
601
00:35:03,760 --> 00:35:04,560
habits.
602
00:35:05,490 --> 00:35:07,590
CAROL (VOICEOVER): I always
had trouble with him in bed.
603
00:35:10,120 --> 00:35:13,940
And his friends were even worse.
604
00:35:13,940 --> 00:35:15,920
Bill, why must you eat in bed?
605
00:35:15,920 --> 00:35:17,790
You're always making crumbs.
606
00:35:17,790 --> 00:35:19,070
Oh, Carol, come on.
607
00:35:19,070 --> 00:35:20,580
It's one little peanut.
608
00:35:20,580 --> 00:35:21,480
Oh, yeah.
609
00:35:21,480 --> 00:35:22,660
What about yesterday?
610
00:35:25,170 --> 00:35:25,970
Oh.
611
00:35:25,970 --> 00:35:28,480
I don't know why you're so uptight.
612
00:35:28,480 --> 00:35:30,680
Have you seen my turkey sandwich?
613
00:35:30,680 --> 00:35:32,330
[SCREAMING]
614
00:35:33,130 --> 00:35:34,600
[SPLASHING]
615
00:35:35,580 --> 00:35:39,590
Bill, how many times have I asked you not
616
00:35:39,590 --> 00:35:42,830
to leave the toilet seat up?
617
00:35:42,830 --> 00:35:47,630
Carol, must you use my
razor on your armpits?
618
00:35:50,250 --> 00:35:52,700
[CLANGING SPOON]
619
00:36:01,520 --> 00:36:03,970
[CLEARING THROAT]
620
00:36:09,200 --> 00:36:12,290
Are you going to be making
that racket for long?
621
00:36:12,290 --> 00:36:14,630
You know, I can hardly eat
with all that going on.
622
00:36:14,630 --> 00:36:15,620
Me?
623
00:36:15,620 --> 00:36:17,730
Did you ever listen to yourself eat?
624
00:36:17,730 --> 00:36:18,920
[SPITTING]
625
00:36:20,150 --> 00:36:22,100
What's wrong with the way I eat?
626
00:36:22,100 --> 00:36:22,950
It's disgusting.
627
00:36:22,950 --> 00:36:23,950
That's what.
628
00:36:23,950 --> 00:36:27,580
Some people like the way I eat.
629
00:36:27,580 --> 00:36:28,980
Name one person.
630
00:36:31,110 --> 00:36:31,910
Um--
631
00:36:34,860 --> 00:36:35,750
Face facts, Bill.
632
00:36:35,750 --> 00:36:38,170
You're very often an inconsiderate slob.
633
00:36:38,170 --> 00:36:40,050
I am not!
634
00:36:40,050 --> 00:36:43,660
I just enjoy my food, that's all.
635
00:36:43,660 --> 00:36:44,700
Hey, look.
636
00:36:44,700 --> 00:36:46,890
Three more box tops, and we
can get this flying saucer.
637
00:36:52,490 --> 00:36:54,310
BILL (VOICEOVER): So I
relaxed a little at home.
638
00:36:54,310 --> 00:36:57,120
When we went out, I was
always the perfect gentleman.
639
00:36:57,120 --> 00:36:59,810
Well, what about that employees' picnic?
640
00:36:59,810 --> 00:37:02,420
You felt so competitive
with everybody there,
641
00:37:02,420 --> 00:37:04,550
you made me feel like a
piece of your property.
642
00:37:04,550 --> 00:37:05,940
I know how you feel!
643
00:37:05,940 --> 00:37:07,620
What are you talking about?
644
00:37:07,620 --> 00:37:09,590
You only love me for my body.
645
00:37:09,590 --> 00:37:11,100
Oh, you're just being stupid.
646
00:37:11,100 --> 00:37:13,160
Don't call me stupid, butthead.
647
00:37:13,160 --> 00:37:15,770
Don't call me butthead, stupid.
648
00:37:15,770 --> 00:37:18,260
That'll be enough.
649
00:37:18,260 --> 00:37:19,720
[GARGLING]
650
00:37:20,380 --> 00:37:21,180
Hurry up.
651
00:37:21,180 --> 00:37:23,070
We'll be late for my boss's picnic.
652
00:37:23,070 --> 00:37:27,350
I know exactly what I'm gonna wear.
653
00:37:27,350 --> 00:37:30,030
My new designer jeans.
654
00:37:30,030 --> 00:37:32,070
Great.
655
00:37:32,070 --> 00:37:35,800
The most sensible $150 I've ever spent.
656
00:37:41,350 --> 00:37:42,150
Dig these.
657
00:37:49,610 --> 00:37:51,700
Would you get me started with this?
658
00:37:51,700 --> 00:37:53,810
Sure.
659
00:37:53,810 --> 00:37:54,990
OK? Yeah?
660
00:37:54,990 --> 00:37:55,960
-Pull. -Ready?
661
00:37:55,960 --> 00:37:56,880
Yep.
662
00:37:56,880 --> 00:37:57,680
OK.
663
00:38:01,640 --> 00:38:06,210
Boy, while you're getting
chic, I'm getting a hernia.
664
00:38:06,210 --> 00:38:07,360
OK, now ready?
665
00:38:07,360 --> 00:38:08,160
Yeah.
666
00:38:08,160 --> 00:38:10,120
OK, now--
667
00:38:10,120 --> 00:38:11,870
Oh, Bill, that's much better.
668
00:38:11,870 --> 00:38:14,740
Oh, it's really working.
669
00:38:14,740 --> 00:38:15,780
Almost there, hon.
670
00:38:19,220 --> 00:38:20,020
OK.
671
00:38:20,020 --> 00:38:21,110
One more.
672
00:38:21,110 --> 00:38:22,240
OK. Ready?
673
00:38:22,240 --> 00:38:23,040
Yes.
674
00:38:23,040 --> 00:38:23,860
This will do it now.
675
00:38:23,860 --> 00:38:24,660
Really go.
676
00:38:24,660 --> 00:38:27,030
One, two, three.
677
00:38:27,030 --> 00:38:28,800
[STRUGGLING]
678
00:38:30,850 --> 00:38:34,170
Oh, Bill, you're so good.
679
00:38:34,170 --> 00:38:36,270
Bill, you sure this is a good idea?
680
00:38:39,990 --> 00:38:41,450
Crank it up, Lou.
681
00:38:41,450 --> 00:38:42,910
Maximum lift.
682
00:38:48,740 --> 00:38:51,170
All right!
683
00:38:51,170 --> 00:38:52,650
OK, Bill.
684
00:38:52,650 --> 00:38:53,640
AAA coverage on this.
685
00:38:59,390 --> 00:39:01,790
BILL (VOICEOVER): Because
of Carol's stupid jeans,
686
00:39:01,790 --> 00:39:03,600
we were so late to my boss's picnic,
687
00:39:03,600 --> 00:39:06,130
I didn't even have time to tell
him about my latest invention.
688
00:39:06,130 --> 00:39:08,530
You're late, shithead.
689
00:39:08,530 --> 00:39:10,400
CAROL (VOICEOVER): You certainly
had enough time to make
690
00:39:10,400 --> 00:39:12,420
a jealous fool of yourself.
691
00:39:12,420 --> 00:39:15,390
[BEACH MUSIC]
692
00:39:42,200 --> 00:39:45,410
Oh, the water feels so nice and warm.
693
00:39:45,410 --> 00:39:47,900
It feels marvelous around my leg.
694
00:39:47,900 --> 00:39:49,720
Oh, what is it?
695
00:39:49,720 --> 00:39:51,330
That's too warm!
696
00:39:51,330 --> 00:39:52,920
[SCREAMING]
697
00:39:52,920 --> 00:39:55,540
And now's the time you've all been waiting
698
00:39:55,540 --> 00:39:57,990
for-- the annual chicken rodeo!
699
00:40:01,800 --> 00:40:03,650
Ladies, if you will.
700
00:40:06,940 --> 00:40:08,820
[FANFARE]
701
00:40:08,820 --> 00:40:13,150
Max Blackstone, our champion
three years in a row,
702
00:40:13,150 --> 00:40:18,830
will show us his strength and
endurance on the urban chicken.
703
00:40:18,830 --> 00:40:21,320
[CHEERING]
704
00:40:43,240 --> 00:40:46,220
[BANJO MUSIC]
705
00:41:31,090 --> 00:41:31,890
Bill?
706
00:41:35,850 --> 00:41:38,830
[APPLAUSE]
707
00:41:53,040 --> 00:41:55,990
[DRUM ROLL]
708
00:41:59,620 --> 00:42:00,420
Yahoo!
709
00:42:17,640 --> 00:42:19,640
GABRIEL (VOICEOVER): Jealousy
has made many people
710
00:42:19,640 --> 00:42:21,980
jump to the wrong conclusions.
711
00:42:21,980 --> 00:42:23,960
It seems to me that you have a deficit
712
00:42:23,960 --> 00:42:25,720
in the old trust department.
713
00:42:25,720 --> 00:42:28,340
Nowadays, trust is the most important
714
00:42:28,340 --> 00:42:30,490
part of a relationship.
715
00:42:30,490 --> 00:42:32,830
But love wasn't always like this.
716
00:42:32,830 --> 00:42:35,120
During the fall of the Roman Empire,
717
00:42:35,120 --> 00:42:38,560
the barbarians who raped and
pillaged the Roman women just
718
00:42:38,560 --> 00:42:40,760
grabbed any feminine [INAUDIBLE] that
719
00:42:40,760 --> 00:42:42,900
happened to be fleeing in their direction
720
00:42:42,900 --> 00:42:45,110
and kept them locked up in barbershops.
721
00:42:45,110 --> 00:42:48,410
Hence the expression barbarians.
722
00:42:48,410 --> 00:42:50,240
GABRIEL (VOICEOVER): The
barbarians treated their women
723
00:42:50,240 --> 00:42:54,020
companions very badly.
724
00:42:54,020 --> 00:42:57,460
[INAUDIBLE] cut off my hand!
725
00:42:57,460 --> 00:42:58,950
Oh, I did not.
726
00:42:58,950 --> 00:43:00,020
It fell off.
727
00:43:00,020 --> 00:43:00,910
Ha, ha. Good boy.
728
00:43:00,910 --> 00:43:01,710
Give it here.
729
00:43:01,710 --> 00:43:04,860
I'll throw it in the soup.
730
00:43:04,860 --> 00:43:06,060
GABRIEL (VOICEOVER): The tribes that
731
00:43:06,060 --> 00:43:08,330
were especially brutal to their women
732
00:43:08,330 --> 00:43:11,850
were the Visigoths, the
Ostrogoths, and the mishigas.
733
00:43:11,850 --> 00:43:16,540
That'll be last time you drink
white wine with roast beef.
734
00:43:16,540 --> 00:43:17,340
No!
735
00:43:24,540 --> 00:43:25,870
GABRIEL (VOICEOVER): But the worst tribe
736
00:43:25,870 --> 00:43:29,200
of all, the most vulgar and violent,
737
00:43:29,200 --> 00:43:32,630
were the dreaded Stooges.
738
00:43:32,630 --> 00:43:35,080
Hey, Moe!
739
00:43:35,080 --> 00:43:36,060
Spread out.
740
00:43:41,300 --> 00:43:42,750
CAROL (VOICEOVER): Talk about Stooges.
741
00:43:42,750 --> 00:43:47,210
That's just what Bill was
for his boss, Mr. Poulet.
742
00:43:47,210 --> 00:43:48,040
But I need more.
743
00:43:48,340 --> 00:43:49,250
Hey, shithead?
744
00:43:49,250 --> 00:43:50,510
I mean, Bill?
745
00:43:50,510 --> 00:43:53,250
Yeah, fart-face-- I mean-- oh, Clem.
746
00:43:53,250 --> 00:43:55,100
This one seems to be having
a bit of a malfunction.
747
00:43:55,100 --> 00:43:55,900
Check it out.
748
00:43:55,900 --> 00:43:57,790
All right, we'll have a look-see here.
749
00:43:57,790 --> 00:44:00,080
Hold on, Suzie.
750
00:44:00,080 --> 00:44:03,280
I don't know what's wrong.
751
00:44:03,280 --> 00:44:05,790
I've never known her not to lay before.
752
00:44:15,790 --> 00:44:17,780
There you go, Clem.
753
00:44:17,780 --> 00:44:18,580
Thanks a lot.
754
00:44:18,580 --> 00:44:20,790
Yeah, no problem.
755
00:44:20,790 --> 00:44:22,750
Take it back.
756
00:44:22,750 --> 00:44:26,280
And tell those hens I want
more god damn laying of eggs.
757
00:44:26,280 --> 00:44:28,970
l do you want, bozo?
758
00:44:28,970 --> 00:44:29,880
Geez, I'm going broke.
759
00:44:29,880 --> 00:44:31,180
What is it with these hens?
760
00:44:31,180 --> 00:44:32,600
They're not laying any eggs.
761
00:44:32,600 --> 00:44:33,930
What, are they frigid?
762
00:44:33,930 --> 00:44:37,410
Exactly what I'm here to discuss, sir.
763
00:44:37,410 --> 00:44:40,210
I have an idea that should make each hen
764
00:44:40,210 --> 00:44:41,940
lay twice as many eggs.
765
00:44:41,940 --> 00:44:44,350
What kind of idea, bozo?
766
00:44:44,350 --> 00:44:45,220
I'd rather not say.
767
00:44:45,220 --> 00:44:47,850
It's rather novel.
768
00:44:47,850 --> 00:44:48,650
Navel?
769
00:44:48,650 --> 00:44:50,270
Chickens don't have navels, bozo.
770
00:44:50,270 --> 00:44:51,680
They don't have navels?
771
00:44:51,680 --> 00:44:53,930
Well, how do their behinds stay on?
772
00:44:57,080 --> 00:44:58,830
It's a yoke, sir.
773
00:44:58,830 --> 00:45:01,220
Get out of here, shithead!
774
00:45:01,220 --> 00:45:04,060
Yes, sir.
775
00:45:04,060 --> 00:45:05,820
Well, thank you.
776
00:45:05,820 --> 00:45:07,830
I'm glad you like my idea.
777
00:45:07,830 --> 00:45:10,250
I'll have a demonstration set up
for Thursday's board meeting.
778
00:45:10,250 --> 00:45:11,050
Get out of here.
779
00:45:11,050 --> 00:45:12,380
Get out of here.
780
00:45:12,380 --> 00:45:14,160
Get out of here.
781
00:45:14,160 --> 00:45:17,510
Show us what you got, shithead.
782
00:45:17,510 --> 00:45:23,830
Gentlemen, Mr. Poulet, what I have designed
783
00:45:23,830 --> 00:45:28,710
is an audio-visual device
which should actually make
784
00:45:28,710 --> 00:45:31,040
the chickens lay more eggs.
785
00:45:31,040 --> 00:45:35,430
Well, I think we're ready
for a demonstration.
786
00:45:35,430 --> 00:45:37,820
So OK.
787
00:45:37,820 --> 00:45:40,820
Roll it.
788
00:45:40,820 --> 00:45:43,630
[MUSIC PLAYING]
789
00:46:31,210 --> 00:46:34,250
[CLUCKING]
790
00:47:26,940 --> 00:47:29,420
BILL (VOICEOVER): My little
movie did get the chickens
791
00:47:29,420 --> 00:47:31,370
to produce more eggs.
792
00:47:31,370 --> 00:47:34,580
But instead of laying them, the
chickens got so turned on,
793
00:47:34,580 --> 00:47:36,070
they launched them.
794
00:47:41,210 --> 00:47:42,010
Yay!
795
00:47:42,010 --> 00:47:43,000
Oh, it works!
796
00:47:43,000 --> 00:47:43,990
They're laying eggs!
797
00:47:43,990 --> 00:47:44,980
They're laying eggs!
798
00:47:50,420 --> 00:47:51,410
It works!
799
00:47:51,410 --> 00:47:52,400
It really works!
800
00:47:52,400 --> 00:47:53,390
Oh, it works!
801
00:47:56,860 --> 00:47:58,840
I'm going to murder you!
802
00:47:58,840 --> 00:47:59,830
It's only a movie.
803
00:47:59,830 --> 00:48:03,720
Come back here, you shithead.
804
00:48:03,720 --> 00:48:05,500
I'll get rid of all the kinky stuff!
805
00:48:16,840 --> 00:48:18,310
Carol, hello.
806
00:48:18,310 --> 00:48:19,800
It's good to be home.
807
00:48:19,800 --> 00:48:23,230
Anything interesting happen at work today?
808
00:48:23,230 --> 00:48:24,410
Well, no.
809
00:48:24,410 --> 00:48:28,260
I was hit by a bus on my
way, and Senator Cogburn,
810
00:48:28,260 --> 00:48:30,680
he came into my office
and made me humiliate
811
00:48:30,680 --> 00:48:32,440
him on my desk blotter.
812
00:48:32,440 --> 00:48:37,100
Listen, I've had a terrible day.
813
00:48:37,100 --> 00:48:39,360
I wouldn't have guessed.
814
00:48:39,360 --> 00:48:40,190
It's amazing.
815
00:48:40,190 --> 00:48:41,440
You're like a Sphinx.
816
00:48:41,440 --> 00:48:43,230
I don't know how you keep it all repressed.
817
00:48:43,230 --> 00:48:44,730
You must have terrible nightmares.
818
00:48:44,730 --> 00:48:48,140
Oh, honey, you know the pressure I'm under.
819
00:48:48,140 --> 00:48:52,210
I tried my demonstration for Poulet today.
820
00:48:52,210 --> 00:48:54,610
They're still cleaning up the mess.
821
00:48:54,610 --> 00:48:57,360
Hey, this is a new dress.
822
00:48:57,360 --> 00:49:01,060
Listen, we haven't had a
night alone in weeks.
823
00:49:04,530 --> 00:49:08,390
Oh, you didn't bring home
your work again, did you?
824
00:49:08,390 --> 00:49:10,130
Every time I turn around, you're bringing
825
00:49:10,130 --> 00:49:12,290
home more of these rodents.
826
00:49:12,290 --> 00:49:13,530
Have you smelled our bedroom lately?
827
00:49:13,530 --> 00:49:14,650
Sh!
828
00:49:14,650 --> 00:49:16,740
Not in front of the poultry.
829
00:49:16,740 --> 00:49:18,860
It upsets them.
830
00:49:18,860 --> 00:49:19,700
And they're not rodents.
831
00:49:19,700 --> 00:49:21,010
They're fowl.
832
00:49:21,010 --> 00:49:24,020
They certainly are.
833
00:49:24,020 --> 00:49:26,550
Couldn't we just have a
quiet night together?
834
00:49:26,550 --> 00:49:30,790
Just you and me and the super glue?
835
00:49:30,790 --> 00:49:31,590
No, no.
836
00:49:31,590 --> 00:49:35,940
Really, Carol, I've got to
work on the egg inducer.
837
00:49:35,940 --> 00:49:37,560
I just know I can get them to lay
838
00:49:37,560 --> 00:49:40,400
more eggs if I start with
them when they're this young.
839
00:49:43,390 --> 00:49:45,610
What about that thing
with the whipped cream?
840
00:49:45,610 --> 00:49:47,300
You always like that.
841
00:49:47,300 --> 00:49:48,740
Carol, you're in my light.
842
00:49:48,740 --> 00:49:50,370
Oh, I'm in your light, am I?
843
00:49:50,370 --> 00:49:52,960
Well, how would you like it
if I got out of your life?
844
00:49:52,960 --> 00:49:54,530
Oh, great.
845
00:49:54,530 --> 00:49:55,980
Great, Carol.
846
00:49:55,980 --> 00:49:56,780
Yeah, good.
847
00:49:56,780 --> 00:49:58,550
Lay this all on me right now. Go ahead.
848
00:49:58,550 --> 00:49:59,730
Yeah, sabotage my work.
849
00:49:59,730 --> 00:50:02,330
You know, you'd love to see
me fail, wouldn't you?
850
00:50:02,330 --> 00:50:05,020
I'm trying to build a career here.
851
00:50:05,020 --> 00:50:06,390
Your daddy set you up for life.
852
00:50:06,390 --> 00:50:08,030
My father couldn't do that for me.
853
00:50:08,030 --> 00:50:09,470
You had everything given to you.
854
00:50:09,470 --> 00:50:11,490
Don't mention my father.
855
00:50:11,490 --> 00:50:13,440
My father is a saint!
856
00:50:13,440 --> 00:50:16,570
Oh, tell your father--
857
00:50:16,570 --> 00:50:18,960
Witness, if you will, a couple.
858
00:50:18,960 --> 00:50:22,890
A couple very much in love and
very much on each other's
859
00:50:22,890 --> 00:50:24,070
nerves.
860
00:50:24,070 --> 00:50:29,790
The point in contention,
disagreement over a man's job.
861
00:50:29,790 --> 00:50:33,290
This sort of disagreement has long plagued
862
00:50:33,290 --> 00:50:35,330
couples throughout the ages.
863
00:50:35,330 --> 00:50:41,150
Come, let us observe a similar
argument in another day,
864
00:50:41,150 --> 00:50:42,610
in another time.
865
00:50:47,170 --> 00:50:48,800
You are going on a journey.
866
00:50:54,680 --> 00:50:58,080
There's a sign post up ahead.
867
00:50:58,080 --> 00:51:00,920
[COUGHING]
868
00:51:07,650 --> 00:51:09,500
I feel it bad, Joe.
869
00:51:09,500 --> 00:51:13,500
I feel it very bad.
870
00:51:13,500 --> 00:51:16,460
NARRATOR: We have reached our destination.
871
00:51:16,460 --> 00:51:21,190
The days of old, when knights
were bold, when toilets weren't
872
00:51:21,190 --> 00:51:24,060
invented, they left their load
in the middle of the road
873
00:51:24,060 --> 00:51:27,300
and walked right on, contented.
874
00:51:27,300 --> 00:51:29,100
Look, yonder cometh the dangerous knight
875
00:51:29,100 --> 00:51:30,740
from the black castle.
876
00:51:30,740 --> 00:51:32,080
Nay, fool.
877
00:51:32,080 --> 00:51:34,900
It is the good knight
from the white castle.
878
00:51:38,610 --> 00:51:39,410
Let's see.
879
00:51:39,410 --> 00:51:41,620
Sir Galahad gets a dragon
burger with everything,
880
00:51:41,620 --> 00:51:43,080
the french fried toad is for Merlin,
881
00:51:43,080 --> 00:51:45,910
and Maid Marian will have it her
way, or any way she can get it.
882
00:51:45,910 --> 00:51:47,440
GABRIEL (VOICEOVER): King
Arthur and his lady,
883
00:51:47,440 --> 00:51:51,860
Queen Guenevere revolutionized
the lovers' quarrel.
884
00:51:51,860 --> 00:51:52,850
From head--
885
00:51:58,800 --> 00:52:01,780
To foot.
886
00:52:01,780 --> 00:52:03,590
They pioneered the method that has kept
887
00:52:03,590 --> 00:52:05,820
countless couples from breaking up--
888
00:52:05,820 --> 00:52:08,840
the classic male-female fight.
889
00:52:08,840 --> 00:52:11,520
There's nothing like it.
890
00:52:11,520 --> 00:52:12,690
That be one shield down.
891
00:52:12,690 --> 00:52:14,560
Now watch out for thy pantie shield.
892
00:52:18,550 --> 00:52:21,050
[CHEERING]
893
00:52:23,040 --> 00:52:25,040
[COUGHING]
894
00:52:25,040 --> 00:52:29,030
Hildred, my battle-ax.
895
00:52:29,030 --> 00:52:31,030
Sorry.
896
00:52:31,030 --> 00:52:32,220
Come on, kill him! Kill him!
897
00:52:32,220 --> 00:52:33,020
Violence!
898
00:52:33,020 --> 00:52:33,820
Violence!
899
00:52:38,010 --> 00:52:40,050
[INAUDIBLE], my ball and chain.
900
00:52:40,050 --> 00:52:40,850
Thank you.
901
00:52:40,850 --> 00:52:42,900
Oh, is that my sword.
902
00:52:42,900 --> 00:52:44,090
Autograph model, sir.
903
00:52:44,090 --> 00:52:44,890
Sorry.
904
00:52:44,890 --> 00:52:45,690
Me too.
905
00:52:49,030 --> 00:52:50,530
More, more, more!
906
00:52:50,530 --> 00:52:52,530
Come on, let me see some blood and guts!
907
00:52:58,210 --> 00:52:59,210
Blood! Blood!
908
00:52:59,210 --> 00:53:00,010
Blood!
909
00:53:00,010 --> 00:53:00,810
Blood!
910
00:53:00,810 --> 00:53:03,020
Blood!
911
00:53:03,020 --> 00:53:04,100
And the pulse is still ticking!
912
00:53:08,690 --> 00:53:09,820
GABRIEL (VOICEOVER): So, Guenevere
913
00:53:09,820 --> 00:53:13,110
promised that she would
use her mouth a little
914
00:53:13,110 --> 00:53:14,620
if Arthur would use his Lancelot.
915
00:53:17,250 --> 00:53:19,970
I want to thank you for last night.
916
00:53:19,970 --> 00:53:23,170
You were sensational.
917
00:53:23,170 --> 00:53:24,590
I've never been in love before.
918
00:53:28,830 --> 00:53:29,630
Mr. Poulet?
919
00:53:29,630 --> 00:53:30,430
I
920
00:53:30,430 --> 00:53:31,270
What do you want?
921
00:53:31,270 --> 00:53:33,770
Well, I just wanted to apologize
922
00:53:33,770 --> 00:53:36,270
for what happened in the
chicken coop last week, sir.
923
00:53:36,270 --> 00:53:38,040
I had no idea that the film would have such
924
00:53:38,040 --> 00:53:40,150
a profound effect on the girls.
925
00:53:40,150 --> 00:53:41,970
That's not the problem, bozo.
926
00:53:41,970 --> 00:53:45,100
You got them so steamed up, why,
those stupid birds want Friday
927
00:53:45,100 --> 00:53:47,080
night dances with the roosters.
928
00:53:47,080 --> 00:53:49,530
I had heard some rumors around the coop.
929
00:53:49,530 --> 00:53:51,330
I may be wiped out.
930
00:53:51,330 --> 00:53:54,370
I may have the solution to your problems.
931
00:53:54,370 --> 00:53:56,420
Don't do me any favors, bozo.
932
00:53:56,420 --> 00:54:00,770
If this doesn't work, you can fire me.
933
00:54:00,770 --> 00:54:02,620
I can?
934
00:54:02,620 --> 00:54:05,570
Oh, you got a deal, bozo.
935
00:54:05,570 --> 00:54:08,010
You got a deal.
936
00:54:08,010 --> 00:54:12,510
Gentlemen, I'm sorry I have
to do this to you again,
937
00:54:12,510 --> 00:54:15,170
but I have a deal with bozo here.
938
00:54:15,170 --> 00:54:18,940
He's going to show you this
worthless invention of his,
939
00:54:18,940 --> 00:54:23,930
and then I get to fire him.
940
00:54:23,930 --> 00:54:25,650
OK, shithead.
941
00:54:25,650 --> 00:54:27,640
Show it, and we can all get back to work.
942
00:54:31,070 --> 00:54:32,580
Just a minute, Andrews.
943
00:54:32,580 --> 00:54:34,380
That's my prized Polish hen.
944
00:54:34,380 --> 00:54:37,130
You damage so much as one
feather on that bird and--
945
00:54:37,130 --> 00:54:38,570
Don't worry.
946
00:54:38,570 --> 00:54:39,790
I know what I'm doing.
947
00:54:39,790 --> 00:54:42,310
So did Mussolini, and look
what happened to him.
948
00:54:46,810 --> 00:54:51,560
Now, I've given this
machine the peculiar name
949
00:54:51,560 --> 00:54:55,950
of egg inducer because it
has the unique capability
950
00:54:55,950 --> 00:54:59,150
of actually coaxing the
eggs out of the chickens.
951
00:54:59,150 --> 00:55:04,280
With this nifty little device,
you get not one, not two,
952
00:55:04,280 --> 00:55:07,500
but three eggs per chicken per sitting,
953
00:55:07,500 --> 00:55:12,120
as opposed to the norm ratio
of one egg per hen per day.
954
00:55:12,120 --> 00:55:15,130
So now I think we're ready
for a little demonstration.
955
00:55:19,700 --> 00:55:25,840
Oh, I'll just set it here for
a two year old Polish hen,
956
00:55:25,840 --> 00:55:28,940
and we're off.
957
00:55:28,940 --> 00:55:32,930
[BEEPING AND WHIRRING]
958
00:55:48,400 --> 00:55:49,400
One egg.
959
00:55:54,630 --> 00:55:55,430
Two eggs.
960
00:55:58,420 --> 00:56:00,910
[CHICKEN SCREAMING]
961
00:56:02,900 --> 00:56:05,390
One drumstick.
962
00:56:05,390 --> 00:56:08,380
One drumstick!
963
00:56:08,380 --> 00:56:10,870
Oh, my baby!
964
00:56:10,870 --> 00:56:13,860
Oh, for god's sakes, what's happening?
965
00:56:17,340 --> 00:56:18,340
Mashed potatoes?
966
00:56:30,290 --> 00:56:33,280
I'll-- I'll--
967
00:56:33,280 --> 00:56:35,770
[BELCH]
968
00:56:36,460 --> 00:56:37,260
Andrews!
969
00:56:47,720 --> 00:56:49,920
I know.
970
00:56:49,920 --> 00:56:52,200
I'm fired, right?
971
00:56:52,200 --> 00:56:53,160
No!
972
00:56:53,160 --> 00:56:54,610
You're dead!
973
00:56:54,610 --> 00:56:57,210
Men, kill him!
974
00:56:57,210 --> 00:56:59,070
BILL (VOICEOVER): Mr. Poulet
was a little steamed.
975
00:56:59,070 --> 00:57:01,700
He didn't fire me, though.
976
00:57:01,700 --> 00:57:03,690
A couple of other minor incidents
977
00:57:03,690 --> 00:57:06,400
necessitated a career change.
978
00:57:06,400 --> 00:57:07,990
I became a cheeseburger.
979
00:57:07,990 --> 00:57:09,140
Plasti-burgers.
980
00:57:09,140 --> 00:57:10,900
Get your bills!
981
00:57:10,900 --> 00:57:12,230
Plasti-burgers.
982
00:57:12,230 --> 00:57:15,130
They almost taste real.
983
00:57:15,130 --> 00:57:15,930
Plasti-burger.
984
00:57:15,930 --> 00:57:19,340
Get your mouth a Plasti-burger.
985
00:57:19,340 --> 00:57:22,020
You won't believe them till you try them.
986
00:57:22,020 --> 00:57:23,770
The work wasn't so bad.
987
00:57:23,770 --> 00:57:26,720
I mean, there are a lot
of guys in my situation.
988
00:57:26,720 --> 00:57:27,520
Morning, Bill.
989
00:57:27,520 --> 00:57:29,830
How's it hanging?
990
00:57:33,370 --> 00:57:36,600
Kids, there's been something
I've meant to ask you.
991
00:57:36,600 --> 00:57:38,490
What's that?
992
00:57:38,490 --> 00:57:39,900
Recognize this man?
993
00:57:39,900 --> 00:57:41,240
He owes me money.
994
00:57:41,240 --> 00:57:42,800
That's what you wanted to ask us?
995
00:57:42,800 --> 00:57:44,890
No, I guess I lied.
996
00:57:44,890 --> 00:57:47,350
What I really meant to ask you was,
997
00:57:47,350 --> 00:57:49,530
why did you break up in the first place?
998
00:57:49,530 --> 00:57:51,580
So you had a few problems.
999
00:57:51,580 --> 00:57:53,370
Well, you haven't heard the worst of it.
1000
00:57:53,370 --> 00:57:54,560
It gets worse?
1001
00:57:54,560 --> 00:57:56,340
The real problems began when Bill
1002
00:57:56,340 --> 00:57:58,550
lost his job and his self-confidence,
1003
00:57:58,550 --> 00:58:00,870
and he started accusing me of
all these terrible things.
1004
00:58:00,870 --> 00:58:02,250
Oh, I did not.
1005
00:58:02,250 --> 00:58:03,180
She's a crazy lunatic.
1006
00:58:03,180 --> 00:58:04,630
You can see that.
1007
00:58:04,630 --> 00:58:07,140
I think you get the idea.
1008
00:58:07,140 --> 00:58:10,370
There was no more trust
in our relationship.
1009
00:58:10,370 --> 00:58:19,990
Bill, Carol-- [BELCH]-- trust
is a very unusual thing.
1010
00:58:19,990 --> 00:58:22,220
It's like ear muffs on a cantaloupe.
1011
00:58:22,220 --> 00:58:25,120
BILL: That's, uh, very unusual.
1012
00:58:25,120 --> 00:58:28,150
That's just what I said, very unusual.
1013
00:58:28,150 --> 00:58:31,120
In fact, there's something I
would like you to look at.
1014
00:58:35,850 --> 00:58:39,580
Napoleon Bonaparte was legendary
for his lack of trust
1015
00:58:39,580 --> 00:58:41,640
in his wife, Josephine.
1016
00:58:41,640 --> 00:58:43,590
He was obsessed with the
notion that while he was
1017
00:58:43,590 --> 00:58:46,250
out conquering the world, she was
1018
00:58:46,250 --> 00:58:49,000
hosting orgies back in France.
1019
00:58:49,000 --> 00:58:52,420
History was made one night
when Josephine and her lovers
1020
00:58:52,420 --> 00:58:57,080
feasted on a tub of baked beans,
and the whole thing back-fired.
1021
00:58:57,080 --> 00:59:00,510
WOMAN: Oh la la, baked beans!
1022
00:59:00,510 --> 00:59:02,430
[KISSING NOISES]
1023
00:59:12,390 --> 00:59:15,240
[DOORBELL]
1024
00:59:17,910 --> 00:59:18,800
Yes?
1025
00:59:18,800 --> 00:59:20,310
It's your own true Napoleon!
1026
00:59:23,310 --> 00:59:24,110
Scram!
1027
00:59:39,790 --> 00:59:41,790
Come, let's frolic.
1028
00:59:45,780 --> 00:59:46,780
No, Boo Boo.
1029
00:59:46,780 --> 00:59:47,770
What did I tell you, huh?
1030
00:59:50,770 --> 00:59:52,760
Come, let's frolic.
1031
00:59:56,260 --> 00:59:57,750
[FLATULENCE]
1032
00:59:57,750 --> 00:59:58,750
Ah!
1033
00:59:58,750 --> 01:00:01,620
Napoleon, you have farted!
1034
01:00:01,620 --> 01:00:04,080
It wasn't me!
1035
01:00:04,080 --> 01:00:05,990
It was the cat!
1036
01:00:05,990 --> 01:00:06,920
[FLATULENCE]
1037
01:00:06,920 --> 01:00:09,240
We haven't got a cat, do we?
1038
01:00:09,240 --> 01:00:10,620
[FLATULENCE]
1039
01:00:10,620 --> 01:00:13,570
It was me.
1040
01:00:13,570 --> 01:00:16,540
[FLATULENCE]
1041
01:00:25,970 --> 01:00:27,460
Sacre bleu!
1042
01:00:27,460 --> 01:00:28,940
Smells like Brooklyn.
1043
01:00:33,410 --> 01:00:35,390
Chemical warfare.
1044
01:00:35,390 --> 01:00:36,380
Get out, you nasty men.
1045
01:00:36,380 --> 01:00:37,400
Quickly, [INAUDIBLE].
1046
01:00:37,400 --> 01:00:38,260
Be gone.
1047
01:00:38,260 --> 01:00:39,060
Vamoose.
1048
01:00:39,060 --> 01:00:40,420
Beat it.
1049
01:00:40,420 --> 01:00:43,050
Next time I only let them eat cake.
1050
01:00:43,050 --> 01:00:44,990
I'm not Napoleon, but
that's exactly what was
1051
01:00:44,990 --> 01:00:46,270
happening between you and me.
1052
01:00:46,270 --> 01:00:47,740
What are you talking about?
1053
01:00:47,740 --> 01:00:49,200
I never did anything of the kind.
1054
01:00:49,200 --> 01:00:50,310
Of course you did.
1055
01:00:50,310 --> 01:00:51,720
I saw you with my own eyes.
1056
01:00:51,720 --> 01:00:52,770
I saw you.
1057
01:00:52,770 --> 01:00:54,590
Your faith in me is touching.
1058
01:00:54,590 --> 01:00:55,610
[GUNSHOT]
1059
01:00:56,410 --> 01:00:58,120
Works pretty well, don't it?
1060
01:00:58,120 --> 01:01:00,820
I used this once when I went
hunting in Woolworth's.
1061
01:01:00,820 --> 01:01:02,950
You went hunting in Woolworth's?
1062
01:01:02,950 --> 01:01:04,330
What were you hunting for?
1063
01:01:04,330 --> 01:01:05,420
Bargains!
1064
01:01:05,420 --> 01:01:07,600
I got you on that one, didn't I?
1065
01:01:07,600 --> 01:01:10,260
Say, what the devil were you
two kids arguing about?
1066
01:01:10,260 --> 01:01:12,320
Let me explain.
1067
01:01:12,320 --> 01:01:14,470
About a week after Carol and I had
1068
01:01:14,470 --> 01:01:17,720
our big argument about my
career, I saw something.
1069
01:01:17,720 --> 01:01:18,680
You don't understand.
1070
01:01:18,680 --> 01:01:21,670
Let me finish.
1071
01:01:21,670 --> 01:01:23,240
BILL (VOICEOVER): I felt
bad about the problems
1072
01:01:23,240 --> 01:01:25,680
that Carol and I were
having, so I thought I
1073
01:01:25,680 --> 01:01:30,170
would surprise her with tickets
to her favorite opera.
1074
01:01:30,170 --> 01:01:32,460
But I was the one that got surprised.
1075
01:01:41,740 --> 01:01:45,070
I decided to follow Carol, but
I didn't want her to know.
1076
01:01:45,070 --> 01:01:47,880
So I came up with this
clever disguise that made
1077
01:01:47,880 --> 01:01:49,480
me completely inconspicuous.
1078
01:01:55,600 --> 01:02:00,080
Despite my excellent camouflage,
I think she sensed something.
1079
01:02:28,460 --> 01:02:29,510
Carol!
1080
01:02:29,510 --> 01:02:30,990
Carol, get out of the car.
1081
01:02:30,990 --> 01:02:31,890
Carol, get out of there.
1082
01:02:31,890 --> 01:02:32,690
God damn it, Carol.
1083
01:02:32,690 --> 01:02:34,810
What are you doing?
1084
01:02:34,810 --> 01:02:35,830
Get out of the car.
1085
01:02:35,830 --> 01:02:36,860
Oh.
1086
01:02:36,860 --> 01:02:38,070
Oh.
1087
01:02:38,070 --> 01:02:39,200
Terribly sorry.
1088
01:02:39,200 --> 01:02:41,970
I didn't-- oh.
1089
01:02:41,970 --> 01:02:42,960
Beat it, weirdo.
1090
01:02:42,960 --> 01:02:43,760
Uh-huh.
1091
01:02:43,760 --> 01:02:46,290
Yeah.
1092
01:02:46,290 --> 01:02:48,790
Just wanted to tell you
the circus is in town.
1093
01:02:48,790 --> 01:02:51,160
Be at the fairgrounds, August 5.
1094
01:02:51,160 --> 01:02:53,660
See you there.
1095
01:02:53,660 --> 01:02:57,130
Bruce, now, how did he
know my name was Carol?
1096
01:02:57,130 --> 01:02:58,830
BILL (VOICEOVER): I was getting desperate.
1097
01:02:58,830 --> 01:02:59,630
Taxi!
1098
01:02:59,630 --> 01:03:02,480
BILL (VOICEOVER): I had to
confront Carol at any cost.
1099
01:03:02,480 --> 01:03:04,930
Forest Lawn, and step on it.
1100
01:03:04,930 --> 01:03:05,730
Just one minute!
1101
01:03:05,730 --> 01:03:06,530
We need to talk!
1102
01:03:06,530 --> 01:03:08,870
Driver, do you see that suspicious
1103
01:03:08,870 --> 01:03:10,560
looking clown following us?
1104
01:03:10,560 --> 01:03:11,470
Yes, I do.
1105
01:03:11,470 --> 01:03:12,880
Can you do something about it?
1106
01:03:12,880 --> 01:03:14,330
He's been following me for days.
1107
01:03:14,330 --> 01:03:15,670
Yes, I can.
1108
01:03:15,670 --> 01:03:18,660
[MUSIC - "WILLIAM TELL OVERTURE"]
1109
01:03:32,830 --> 01:03:33,630
Faster!
1110
01:03:39,120 --> 01:03:42,620
DRIVER: How am I doing, lady?
1111
01:03:42,620 --> 01:03:44,610
CAROL: He's gaining on us!
1112
01:03:44,610 --> 01:03:47,610
DRIVER: Who the hell is that clown anyway?
1113
01:03:47,610 --> 01:03:48,600
CAROL: Never mind.
1114
01:03:48,600 --> 01:03:49,600
Just floor it.
1115
01:03:55,090 --> 01:03:57,590
[HONKING]
1116
01:04:19,240 --> 01:04:20,040
Hey, guys.
1117
01:04:20,040 --> 01:04:22,040
Thanks for stopping.
1118
01:04:22,040 --> 01:04:24,030
Follow that cab!
1119
01:04:24,030 --> 01:04:25,030
Follow that cab!
1120
01:04:31,310 --> 01:04:32,610
BILL (VOICEOVER): It was quite a chase,
1121
01:04:32,610 --> 01:04:35,420
but I finally tracked her down.
1122
01:04:35,420 --> 01:04:39,610
Now we would see if there was
anything left of our love.
1123
01:04:39,610 --> 01:04:42,710
Dear friends, we are gathered here today
1124
01:04:42,710 --> 01:04:45,460
to pay solemn tribute to a dear friend
1125
01:04:45,460 --> 01:04:47,920
and colleague, Charles Kaufman.
1126
01:04:47,920 --> 01:04:50,810
He would certainly appreciate the solemnity
1127
01:04:50,810 --> 01:04:54,130
and quietness of this moment.
1128
01:04:54,130 --> 01:04:56,830
Let us bow our heads for
a moment of prayer.
1129
01:05:02,670 --> 01:05:03,740
-We've got to talk. -What?
1130
01:05:03,740 --> 01:05:04,740
We've got to talk.
1131
01:05:04,740 --> 01:05:05,900
Here? Now?
1132
01:05:05,900 --> 01:05:07,010
Well, what's wrong with now?
1133
01:05:07,010 --> 01:05:08,590
Now is as good a time as any.
1134
01:05:08,590 --> 01:05:10,630
Do you have any idea where you are?
1135
01:05:10,630 --> 01:05:11,970
Excuse me, sir.
1136
01:05:11,970 --> 01:05:14,340
Are you with the mourners?
1137
01:05:14,340 --> 01:05:15,370
Well, no.
1138
01:05:15,370 --> 01:05:16,600
Not exactly, I--
1139
01:05:16,600 --> 01:05:18,110
Well, if you would just have a seat
1140
01:05:18,110 --> 01:05:19,890
so we can continue the service.
1141
01:05:19,890 --> 01:05:21,200
Sure, I'l-- no!
1142
01:05:26,020 --> 01:05:30,430
We were certainly taken aback
by this most tragic accident.
1143
01:05:30,430 --> 01:05:33,080
You have been following
me for days, haven't you?
1144
01:05:33,080 --> 01:05:35,080
Oh, you noticed?
1145
01:05:35,080 --> 01:05:36,580
[BOING]
1146
01:05:41,350 --> 01:05:42,150
I'm sorry.
1147
01:05:42,150 --> 01:05:43,900
Why are you doing this?
1148
01:05:43,900 --> 01:05:47,550
Because I think we have some
very serious things to discuss.
1149
01:05:55,970 --> 01:05:57,440
Oh, boy.
1150
01:05:57,440 --> 01:05:59,100
[COMIC CARTOON LAUGHING]
1151
01:06:02,140 --> 01:06:07,000
Will the gentleman in the third
row please turn that thing off?
1152
01:06:07,000 --> 01:06:08,020
One minute, OK?
1153
01:06:08,020 --> 01:06:11,440
I've just got to find the switch.
1154
01:06:11,440 --> 01:06:12,430
Here it is.
1155
01:06:18,920 --> 01:06:20,340
No, that wasn't it.
1156
01:06:20,340 --> 01:06:22,950
You think I like doing this?
1157
01:06:22,950 --> 01:06:24,820
[BOING]
1158
01:06:28,320 --> 01:06:30,780
The point is--
1159
01:06:30,780 --> 01:06:33,690
Will the gentleman in the third row
1160
01:06:33,690 --> 01:06:36,170
please let me bury this man?
1161
01:06:36,170 --> 01:06:38,570
I have another one to do today.
1162
01:06:38,570 --> 01:06:41,270
Hey, can't you see we're trying to have
1163
01:06:41,270 --> 01:06:43,240
a conversation over here?
1164
01:06:43,240 --> 01:06:44,800
[MUSIC - "STARS AND STRIPES FOREVER"]
1165
01:06:45,600 --> 01:06:48,180
Carol, look, what I wanted
to say-- all I'm trying--
1166
01:06:48,180 --> 01:06:49,800
Carol, all I'm-- stop!
1167
01:06:55,540 --> 01:06:57,010
Carol, wait!
1168
01:06:57,010 --> 01:06:58,000
Carol, wait!
1169
01:06:58,000 --> 01:06:58,800
Carol!
1170
01:06:58,800 --> 01:07:02,910
What I'm trying to say is that-- I think--
1171
01:07:02,910 --> 01:07:06,830
that we ought to-- get married.
1172
01:07:06,830 --> 01:07:09,780
Because I love you.
1173
01:07:14,210 --> 01:07:16,450
BILL (VOICEOVER): Carol was
a little upset after that.
1174
01:07:16,450 --> 01:07:18,950
So we sat down and talked it out and agreed
1175
01:07:18,950 --> 01:07:23,600
that perhaps temporarily I
should move out of the house.
1176
01:07:23,600 --> 01:07:25,250
Get out of here, you moron!
1177
01:07:25,250 --> 01:07:28,860
What are you-- oh!
1178
01:07:28,860 --> 01:07:29,840
Carol!
1179
01:07:29,840 --> 01:07:30,810
Carol!
1180
01:07:30,810 --> 01:07:31,790
Open the door.
1181
01:07:31,790 --> 01:07:36,950
Carol, if you don't open
this door, I'm leaving.
1182
01:07:36,950 --> 01:07:39,580
I'm so glad you reconsidered.
1183
01:07:39,580 --> 01:07:40,980
You'll adore this neighborhood.
1184
01:07:46,750 --> 01:07:48,400
[GASPING]
1185
01:07:48,400 --> 01:07:50,940
I-- oh!
1186
01:07:55,960 --> 01:07:57,980
BILL (VOICEOVER): I wasn't
going to moon about it.
1187
01:07:57,980 --> 01:08:00,650
I started looking for a
small place of my own.
1188
01:08:00,650 --> 01:08:03,350
Since apartments are so
hard to come by these days,
1189
01:08:03,350 --> 01:08:06,550
I figured I better take the
first place to come along.
1190
01:08:06,550 --> 01:08:08,010
No visitors.
1191
01:08:08,010 --> 01:08:11,420
And no parties!
1192
01:08:11,420 --> 01:08:12,530
I'll take it.
1193
01:08:17,410 --> 01:08:20,330
No pets.
1194
01:08:20,330 --> 01:08:21,800
No loud music.
1195
01:08:21,800 --> 01:08:25,390
And rent's due on the first of the month.
1196
01:08:25,390 --> 01:08:26,190
Thank you.
1197
01:08:30,110 --> 01:08:32,020
BILL (VOICEOVER): It wasn't so bad.
1198
01:08:32,020 --> 01:08:34,160
And after I got through decorating,
1199
01:08:34,160 --> 01:08:36,700
the place looked really nice.
1200
01:08:36,700 --> 01:08:39,230
After a few days without Carol, I knew
1201
01:08:39,230 --> 01:08:41,110
I had done the right thing.
1202
01:08:41,110 --> 01:08:45,040
Now I had the chance to date
wholesome, well-adjusted girls.
1203
01:08:45,750 --> 01:08:46,720
BILL (VOICEOVER): Like Muffy.
1204
01:08:48,810 --> 01:08:50,110
Bill?
1205
01:08:50,110 --> 01:08:51,360
What?
1206
01:08:51,360 --> 01:08:53,830
Hurt me.
1207
01:08:53,830 --> 01:08:55,000
What?
1208
01:08:55,000 --> 01:08:55,800
Hit me.
1209
01:08:55,800 --> 01:08:56,600
Bite me.
1210
01:08:56,600 --> 01:08:57,780
Spank me.
1211
01:08:57,780 --> 01:08:59,760
Whip me.
1212
01:08:59,760 --> 01:09:02,630
Uh, um--
1213
01:09:02,630 --> 01:09:04,100
Take your belt off and spank me.
1214
01:09:04,100 --> 01:09:04,900
Punish me.
1215
01:09:04,900 --> 01:09:07,450
And teach me a lesson.
1216
01:09:07,450 --> 01:09:11,380
Uh, boy-- gee, it's 6:45 already.
1217
01:09:11,380 --> 01:09:13,610
I had no idea it was so late.
1218
01:09:13,610 --> 01:09:15,480
Bill, please.
1219
01:09:15,480 --> 01:09:18,340
BILL (VOICEOVER): It wasn't the
whips and chains that I minded.
1220
01:09:18,340 --> 01:09:19,920
But when she wanted to strap me to a chair
1221
01:09:19,920 --> 01:09:22,670
and make me watch "The Phil Donahue Show,"
1222
01:09:22,670 --> 01:09:25,900
I knew it was time to leave.
1223
01:09:25,900 --> 01:09:29,980
CAROL (VOICEOVER): I was
enjoying my freedom too.
1224
01:09:29,980 --> 01:09:32,200
Without bill, I became
the life of the party.
1225
01:09:32,200 --> 01:09:34,060
[LAUGHTER]
1226
01:09:34,990 --> 01:09:37,460
NARRATOR (ON TV): You have been
watching "The Champagne Hour,"
1227
01:09:37,460 --> 01:09:40,770
coming to you from the
famous Starlight Room.
1228
01:09:40,770 --> 01:09:42,380
All now a word about laxatives.
1229
01:09:42,380 --> 01:09:45,530
CAROL (VOICEOVER): I was meeting
all sorts of fascinating men.
1230
01:09:45,530 --> 01:09:46,760
Hey there, good looking.
1231
01:09:46,760 --> 01:09:47,710
My name is Len.
1232
01:09:47,710 --> 01:09:48,760
Maybe you heard of me.
1233
01:09:48,760 --> 01:09:50,900
I drive a Datsun supercharged Turbo.
1234
01:09:50,900 --> 01:09:52,420
How'd you like to go up to my apartment
1235
01:09:52,420 --> 01:09:55,730
and jump in the washing machine?
1236
01:09:55,730 --> 01:09:56,720
No.
1237
01:09:56,720 --> 01:09:58,440
Maybe some other time.
1238
01:09:58,440 --> 01:09:59,720
Hey there, good looking.
1239
01:09:59,720 --> 01:10:00,610
My name is Len.
1240
01:10:00,610 --> 01:10:02,050
I'd love to.
1241
01:10:02,050 --> 01:10:03,580
Excuse me.
1242
01:10:03,580 --> 01:10:05,130
I noticed you were sitting by yourself.
1243
01:10:05,130 --> 01:10:06,810
Can I join you?
1244
01:10:06,810 --> 01:10:08,040
Sure.
1245
01:10:08,040 --> 01:10:10,640
My name's Myron Lunch.
1246
01:10:10,640 --> 01:10:13,410
I work for Ross and White,
the accounting firm.
1247
01:10:13,410 --> 01:10:15,400
If you're not doing anything, would you
1248
01:10:15,400 --> 01:10:16,980
like to come back to my house and do
1249
01:10:16,980 --> 01:10:19,890
some really serious fucking?
1250
01:10:19,890 --> 01:10:20,880
I have a Water Pic.
1251
01:10:20,880 --> 01:10:21,740
It's real good.
1252
01:10:25,440 --> 01:10:26,910
[BELL RINGING]
1253
01:10:26,910 --> 01:10:28,880
All right, everybody!
1254
01:10:28,880 --> 01:10:29,820
Shut up!
1255
01:10:29,820 --> 01:10:30,620
Shut up!
1256
01:10:30,620 --> 01:10:31,760
It's 6:01.
1257
01:10:31,760 --> 01:10:32,960
Happy Hour's over.
1258
01:10:32,960 --> 01:10:34,720
Just shut up.
1259
01:10:34,720 --> 01:10:35,630
[NOISEMAKER]
1260
01:10:36,430 --> 01:10:37,590
You heard me, lady.
1261
01:10:37,590 --> 01:10:40,850
If you want to be happy, go next door.
1262
01:10:40,850 --> 01:10:41,790
Hi!
1263
01:10:41,790 --> 01:10:43,820
Sorry I'm late.
1264
01:10:43,820 --> 01:10:45,860
Hey, what's wrong?
1265
01:10:45,860 --> 01:10:50,500
Oh, you're not gonna believe
this, but I think I miss Bill.
1266
01:10:50,500 --> 01:10:51,730
What's worse?
1267
01:10:51,730 --> 01:10:53,650
Every jerk in town either wants to take
1268
01:10:53,650 --> 01:10:57,510
me home or buy me a drink or put
me through his washing machine.
1269
01:10:57,510 --> 01:10:59,110
God, I've been squeezed so many times,
1270
01:10:59,110 --> 01:11:00,950
I feel like a package of Charmin.
1271
01:11:00,950 --> 01:11:02,110
Carol, come on.
1272
01:11:02,110 --> 01:11:03,750
Now, don't talk like that.
1273
01:11:03,750 --> 01:11:05,510
You're strong.
1274
01:11:05,510 --> 01:11:07,060
You can make it through this.
1275
01:11:07,060 --> 01:11:09,200
I have faith in you.
1276
01:11:09,200 --> 01:11:14,260
You know, Carol, you--
you've got a great body.
1277
01:11:14,260 --> 01:11:20,320
Would you mind terribly if I
stick my tongue in your ear?
1278
01:11:20,320 --> 01:11:23,330
It's sad when the romance
goes out of a relationship.
1279
01:11:23,330 --> 01:11:24,600
What do you mean?
1280
01:11:24,600 --> 01:11:25,570
Never mind.
1281
01:11:25,570 --> 01:11:27,240
You better tell me, baby.
1282
01:11:27,240 --> 01:11:28,040
I'm your man.
1283
01:11:28,040 --> 01:11:30,880
You're not much of a man.
1284
01:11:30,880 --> 01:11:32,300
And you're bad in bed.
1285
01:11:32,300 --> 01:11:34,200
Look, you've got nothing there.
1286
01:11:34,200 --> 01:11:37,500
You bitch!
1287
01:11:37,500 --> 01:11:39,470
Take that, you bitch!
1288
01:11:39,470 --> 01:11:42,310
Take that!
1289
01:11:42,310 --> 01:11:43,410
Oh! Help!
1290
01:11:43,410 --> 01:11:44,360
Help! Help!
1291
01:11:44,360 --> 01:11:45,160
Help!
1292
01:11:45,160 --> 01:11:45,960
Help!
1293
01:11:48,420 --> 01:11:50,540
All right, break it up, you two.
1294
01:11:53,630 --> 01:12:00,570
Bill, Carol-- [BELCH]-- that's disgusting.
1295
01:12:00,570 --> 01:12:02,690
After careful analysis, I believe I finally
1296
01:12:02,690 --> 01:12:04,020
understand the situation.
1297
01:12:04,020 --> 01:12:06,620
You hate each other.
1298
01:12:06,620 --> 01:12:08,090
Now, why don't you both
return to your homes
1299
01:12:08,090 --> 01:12:11,300
and get a good night's sleep?
1300
01:12:11,300 --> 01:12:13,300
Tomorrow in court, I
will render my decision.
1301
01:12:34,990 --> 01:12:36,330
STELLA: Hello, your honor.
1302
01:12:36,330 --> 01:12:37,820
Did you have a nice lunch?
1303
01:12:37,820 --> 01:12:38,810
MAN: Thank you, Stella.
1304
01:12:45,230 --> 01:12:47,660
Any calls while I was gone, Stella?
1305
01:12:47,660 --> 01:12:48,700
No, your honor.
1306
01:12:48,700 --> 01:12:51,050
Just some crank telling
me to hold his ball--
1307
01:12:51,050 --> 01:12:53,300
I mean, never mind, your honor.
1308
01:12:53,300 --> 01:12:55,820
Well, let me continue dictating
on the Kornheiser opinion.
1309
01:12:55,820 --> 01:12:57,280
Yes, your honor.
1310
01:13:06,510 --> 01:13:08,460
[SNORING]
1311
01:13:20,470 --> 01:13:24,170
What's wrong with the way I act?
1312
01:13:24,170 --> 01:13:26,160
[CHUCKLING]
1313
01:13:27,150 --> 01:13:29,130
I love being alone with you.
1314
01:13:32,110 --> 01:13:36,300
DEEP VOICE: Bill Andrews
and Carol Griffiths,
1315
01:13:36,300 --> 01:13:41,240
the spirits of history summon
you back through time to stand
1316
01:13:41,240 --> 01:13:43,220
trial in the eternal court.
1317
01:13:46,180 --> 01:13:50,790
Your jury, the great figures of history,
1318
01:13:50,790 --> 01:13:54,330
will judge you, not on the
mundane values of the New
1319
01:13:54,330 --> 01:13:58,250
Jersey system of jurisprudence, but rather
1320
01:13:58,250 --> 01:14:03,130
on the cosmic universal wisdom of the ages.
1321
01:14:07,450 --> 01:14:09,720
Could I have a receipt, please?
1322
01:14:09,720 --> 01:14:10,520
Thanks.
1323
01:14:14,310 --> 01:14:17,710
DEEP VOICE: Bill Andrews
and Carol Griffiths.
1324
01:14:17,710 --> 01:14:18,700
Come before the bar.
1325
01:14:29,620 --> 01:14:31,600
[ORGAN MUSIC]
1326
01:14:32,590 --> 01:14:34,990
Ladies and gentlemen, this court
1327
01:14:34,990 --> 01:14:37,710
seeks judgement against the couple Bill
1328
01:14:37,710 --> 01:14:40,170
Andrews and Carol Griffiths.
1329
01:14:40,170 --> 01:14:42,640
Of what are they accused?
1330
01:14:42,640 --> 01:14:44,610
Mr. Judge, I'd just like to say something.
1331
01:14:44,610 --> 01:14:46,800
Excuse me, members of the
jury and everybody-- I'm
1332
01:14:46,800 --> 01:14:47,650
Christopher Columbus.
1333
01:14:47,650 --> 01:14:48,450
How do you doing?
1334
01:14:48,450 --> 01:14:49,770
Discoverer of America.
1335
01:14:49,770 --> 01:14:51,400
I just want to say one thing.
1336
01:14:51,400 --> 01:14:53,080
We've got a lot of very important people
1337
01:14:53,080 --> 01:14:55,210
here-- discoverers, inventors, people
1338
01:14:55,210 --> 01:14:57,790
who did very good things.
1339
01:14:57,790 --> 01:14:59,840
But there's one thing
we've all been missing
1340
01:14:59,840 --> 01:15:02,580
all of our lives-- one thing.
1341
01:15:02,580 --> 01:15:06,290
And these two-- hey, stupido, you found it.
1342
01:15:06,290 --> 01:15:07,090
You've got it.
1343
01:15:07,090 --> 01:15:08,530
You've got the magic.
1344
01:15:08,530 --> 01:15:10,360
You've got love.
1345
01:15:10,360 --> 01:15:11,160
Bill?
1346
01:15:11,160 --> 01:15:11,970
And what do you do?
1347
01:15:11,970 --> 01:15:12,770
You blow it.
1348
01:15:12,770 --> 01:15:15,340
Well, I've just got to say one thing to you
1349
01:15:15,340 --> 01:15:18,820
from all of us-- what, are you crazy?
1350
01:15:18,820 --> 01:15:19,790
Sheesh.
1351
01:15:19,790 --> 01:15:21,240
That's all I've got to say.
1352
01:15:21,240 --> 01:15:23,180
Thank you very much.
1353
01:15:23,180 --> 01:15:25,110
[BOING]
1354
01:15:28,020 --> 01:15:29,040
That's a good boy.
1355
01:15:29,040 --> 01:15:30,510
Thank you very much.
1356
01:15:30,510 --> 01:15:33,140
Emperor Napoleon, call your first witness.
1357
01:15:39,040 --> 01:15:41,960
The court calls Artie Poulet.
1358
01:15:45,310 --> 01:15:49,140
What the hell?
1359
01:15:49,140 --> 01:15:52,150
Andrews, what are you doing here?
1360
01:15:52,150 --> 01:15:55,450
Come to think of it, what am I doing here?
1361
01:15:55,450 --> 01:15:59,250
I was in the middle of a
dream with Linda Ronstadt.
1362
01:15:59,250 --> 01:16:02,390
Do you know that man sitting there?
1363
01:16:02,390 --> 01:16:03,890
Oh, yeah.
1364
01:16:03,890 --> 01:16:05,390
That's Andrews, the shithead.
1365
01:16:05,390 --> 01:16:06,820
He used to work for me.
1366
01:16:06,820 --> 01:16:09,120
Would you mind explaining what happened
1367
01:16:09,120 --> 01:16:12,210
to end his employ with you?
1368
01:16:12,210 --> 01:16:14,590
POULET (VOICEOVER): It was on a Tuesday.
1369
01:16:14,590 --> 01:16:15,930
I've had it up to here, bozo.
1370
01:16:15,930 --> 01:16:16,830
Are you paying attention?
1371
01:16:16,830 --> 01:16:17,630
Yes, sir.
1372
01:16:17,630 --> 01:16:20,590
Then look at me when I shriek at you.
1373
01:16:20,590 --> 01:16:23,100
Is your mind somewhere else?
1374
01:16:23,100 --> 01:16:25,950
Are you having personal problems?
1375
01:16:25,950 --> 01:16:27,840
I heard from that girl of yours, she's
1376
01:16:27,840 --> 01:16:30,550
treating bozo like a dork.
1377
01:16:30,550 --> 01:16:32,710
Forget that tart.
1378
01:16:32,710 --> 01:16:36,350
There are 90,000 other
clucking hens in the coop.
1379
01:16:36,350 --> 01:16:38,750
Mr. Poulet, please.
1380
01:16:38,750 --> 01:16:42,520
Do not call her a tart.
1381
01:16:42,520 --> 01:16:45,850
She's the most wonderful girl in the world.
1382
01:16:45,850 --> 01:16:48,090
We're just having problems
right now, that's all.
1383
01:16:48,090 --> 01:16:50,870
Well, that's because you spend
more time worrying about hen
1384
01:16:50,870 --> 01:16:53,000
laying than woman laying.
1385
01:16:55,630 --> 01:16:57,700
You can't be quiet, can you?
1386
01:16:57,700 --> 01:16:59,460
Hey, watch it, shithead.
1387
01:16:59,460 --> 01:17:01,020
Control yourself.
1388
01:17:01,020 --> 01:17:05,100
What do you want to do, get
fired over some half-wit tart,
1389
01:17:05,100 --> 01:17:06,890
huh?
1390
01:17:06,890 --> 01:17:07,800
No.
1391
01:17:07,800 --> 01:17:10,270
No, I-- I guess not.
1392
01:17:18,170 --> 01:17:20,120
I quit.
1393
01:17:20,120 --> 01:17:22,840
Thank you, Monsieur Poulet.
1394
01:17:22,840 --> 01:17:25,620
What do you think of that,
Miss Griffiths, huh?
1395
01:17:25,620 --> 01:17:28,250
Bill, you mean he didn't fire
you because of the egg inducer?
1396
01:17:31,510 --> 01:17:36,120
Say, ain't you Charles de Gaulle?
1397
01:17:36,120 --> 01:17:38,460
Witness may step down.
1398
01:17:38,460 --> 01:17:40,670
Call your next witness.
1399
01:17:40,670 --> 01:17:45,990
The court would like to
call Lance Griffiths.
1400
01:17:45,990 --> 01:17:47,900
Oh, god.
1401
01:17:47,900 --> 01:17:49,330
Lance!
1402
01:17:49,330 --> 01:17:52,230
I've got to stop smoking that
sensimilla before going to bed.
1403
01:17:52,230 --> 01:17:55,410
Monsieur Griffiths, do you recall meeting
1404
01:17:55,410 --> 01:17:59,510
secretly with that woman there?
1405
01:17:59,510 --> 01:18:01,170
Carol!
1406
01:18:01,170 --> 01:18:01,970
Oh, yeah.
1407
01:18:01,970 --> 01:18:05,540
I've met her a few times now and then.
1408
01:18:05,540 --> 01:18:08,770
And can you tell us what
happened the last time you met,
1409
01:18:08,770 --> 01:18:10,550
huh?
1410
01:18:10,550 --> 01:18:11,440
Yeah.
1411
01:18:11,440 --> 01:18:16,010
We had lunch and cocktails and a
sidewalk cafe a couple of weeks
1412
01:18:16,010 --> 01:18:17,060
ago.
1413
01:18:17,060 --> 01:18:19,960
Well, Carol, I think I do know a few people
1414
01:18:19,960 --> 01:18:23,960
who'd be interested in what
your hero has to offer.
1415
01:18:23,960 --> 01:18:26,830
I love you.
1416
01:18:26,830 --> 01:18:30,340
You've always come through
for me in every way.
1417
01:18:30,340 --> 01:18:32,680
After all, what are older brothers for?
1418
01:18:32,680 --> 01:18:35,040
Besides, it's not just for you.
1419
01:18:35,040 --> 01:18:37,840
I've always wanted to invest
in an egg inducing machine.
1420
01:18:40,570 --> 01:18:42,450
I hope this guy is worth all this trouble.
1421
01:18:42,450 --> 01:18:43,250
He is.
1422
01:18:43,250 --> 01:18:44,970
He's a genius.
1423
01:18:44,970 --> 01:18:48,120
And that jerk that he works
for doesn't recognize that.
1424
01:18:48,120 --> 01:18:50,720
But now with this money,
he can do it on his own.
1425
01:18:50,720 --> 01:18:52,040
OK, you've sold me.
1426
01:18:52,040 --> 01:18:53,670
It's a deal.
1427
01:18:53,670 --> 01:18:56,460
I had no idea.
1428
01:18:56,460 --> 01:18:58,560
GABRIEL: The witness may step down.
1429
01:18:58,560 --> 01:18:59,490
Why, thank you.
1430
01:18:59,490 --> 01:19:00,340
[BLOWS RASPBERRY]
1431
01:19:00,340 --> 01:19:03,170
The prosecution may sum up now.
1432
01:19:08,640 --> 01:19:12,610
J'accuse, Bill Andrews and Carol Griffiths,
1433
01:19:12,610 --> 01:19:15,320
of murdering your love.
1434
01:19:22,250 --> 01:19:24,650
The prosecution rests.
1435
01:19:24,650 --> 01:19:25,750
[SNORING]
1436
01:19:26,550 --> 01:19:29,380
Thank you, Mister Bonaparte.
1437
01:19:29,380 --> 01:19:31,940
Has the jury reached a verdict?
1438
01:19:31,940 --> 01:19:33,770
Guilty.
1439
01:19:33,770 --> 01:19:35,580
Very well.
1440
01:19:35,580 --> 01:19:39,700
Bill Andrews, Carol Griffiths-- [BELCH]--
1441
01:19:39,700 --> 01:19:45,120
the ladies and gentlemen of the
jury have found you guilty.
1442
01:19:45,120 --> 01:19:46,120
Guilty.
1443
01:19:46,120 --> 01:19:47,720
-Guilty. -Guilty.
1444
01:19:47,720 --> 01:19:48,600
Guilty.
1445
01:19:48,600 --> 01:19:49,590
Guilty.
1446
01:19:49,590 --> 01:19:51,090
ALL: Guilty!
1447
01:19:51,090 --> 01:19:53,070
Guilty!
1448
01:19:53,070 --> 01:19:54,560
Guilty!
1449
01:19:54,560 --> 01:19:56,060
Guilty!
1450
01:19:56,060 --> 01:19:57,550
Guilty!
1451
01:19:57,550 --> 01:19:58,540
Guilty!
1452
01:19:58,540 --> 01:19:59,530
No!
1453
01:19:59,530 --> 01:20:01,220
No!
1454
01:20:01,220 --> 01:20:02,020
Bill!
1455
01:20:02,020 --> 01:20:03,510
Bill!
1456
01:20:03,510 --> 01:20:07,980
I love you, Carol!
1457
01:20:07,980 --> 01:20:09,470
I love you, Bill!
1458
01:20:16,430 --> 01:20:18,420
Carol.
1459
01:20:18,420 --> 01:20:21,600
Oh, Carol.
1460
01:20:21,600 --> 01:20:22,400
Oh.
1461
01:20:28,040 --> 01:20:28,850
No.
1462
01:20:28,850 --> 01:20:29,840
No!
1463
01:20:29,840 --> 01:20:31,320
Carol!
1464
01:20:31,320 --> 01:20:32,810
Bill!
1465
01:20:32,810 --> 01:20:34,290
Carol!
1466
01:20:34,290 --> 01:20:36,260
Bill!
1467
01:20:36,260 --> 01:20:38,240
Carol!
1468
01:20:38,240 --> 01:20:39,230
Bill!
1469
01:20:39,230 --> 01:20:40,710
Carol, Carol!
1470
01:20:52,570 --> 01:20:54,050
I missed you so!
1471
01:20:57,010 --> 01:21:01,040
Oh, Carol, Carol, my darling,
how can I ever ask you to take
1472
01:21:01,040 --> 01:21:02,220
me back after all I've done?
1473
01:21:02,220 --> 01:21:03,820
Ask me to take you back?
1474
01:21:03,820 --> 01:21:05,490
It was all my fault, my darling.
1475
01:21:05,490 --> 01:21:06,290
No.
1476
01:21:06,290 --> 01:21:07,610
No, it was my fault.
1477
01:21:07,610 --> 01:21:09,340
Oh, darling, you're so
sweet, but you're wrong.
1478
01:21:09,340 --> 01:21:10,710
It was my fault.
1479
01:21:10,710 --> 01:21:11,540
No, no.
1480
01:21:11,540 --> 01:21:12,800
It was my fault.
1481
01:21:12,800 --> 01:21:15,250
Oh, sweetheart, don't you remember?
1482
01:21:15,250 --> 01:21:16,860
I was the one who was wrong.
1483
01:21:16,860 --> 01:21:18,790
No, no--
1484
01:21:18,790 --> 01:21:20,780
[LAUGHING]
1485
01:21:22,780 --> 01:21:24,280
GABRIEL: Oh, I got 'em!
1486
01:21:24,280 --> 01:21:25,770
I got my wings!
1487
01:21:25,770 --> 01:21:27,270
I got my wings-- hey, kids!
1488
01:21:32,760 --> 01:21:35,250
They're back, back-- oh,
they're back together.
1489
01:21:35,250 --> 01:21:36,750
Oh, thank you, thank you.
1490
01:21:36,750 --> 01:21:39,250
Oh, I can fly!
1491
01:21:39,250 --> 01:21:42,740
[MUSIC - "LOVE WILL KEEP US TOGETHER"]
1492
01:21:44,240 --> 01:21:45,730
These things don't work.
1493
01:21:45,730 --> 01:21:46,730
They don't work.
1494
01:21:46,730 --> 01:21:48,730
oh, yes, they do!
1495
01:21:48,730 --> 01:21:52,220
Oh, yippie, yippie!
1496
01:21:52,220 --> 01:21:53,220
Goodbye!
1497
01:21:53,220 --> 01:21:54,220
Goodbye!
1498
01:21:54,220 --> 01:21:56,210
Goodbye!
1499
01:21:56,210 --> 01:21:58,210
Dreams are made of such stuff.
1500
01:22:09,190 --> 01:22:12,460
NARRATOR: So Bill and Carol were reunited,
1501
01:22:12,460 --> 01:22:16,140
thanks to the help of Judge
Gabriel, their guardian angel.
1502
01:22:16,140 --> 01:22:18,880
They soon got married.
1503
01:22:18,880 --> 01:22:22,330
It was a beautiful ceremony.
1504
01:22:22,330 --> 01:22:25,040
And they finally did learn to live
1505
01:22:25,040 --> 01:22:27,760
with each other's little idiosyncrasies.
1506
01:22:34,170 --> 01:22:38,340
[MUSIC - "GHETTO RAP"]
1507
01:22:39,305 --> 01:23:39,484
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