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1
00:00:34,535 --> 00:00:36,453
I'm telling you,
everything means something.
2
00:00:36,620 --> 00:00:38,439
No, everything does not
mean something, okay?
3
00:00:38,539 --> 00:00:40,541
Sometimes a movie is just a movie.
4
00:00:40,791 --> 00:00:44,461
Sometimes a song is just a song,
sometimes a joke is just a joke.
5
00:00:44,711 --> 00:00:46,697
- Remember those, jokes?
- Yeah, I remember 'em.
6
00:00:46,797 --> 00:00:48,741
Okay. So lighten up.
We have a black President now.
7
00:00:48,841 --> 00:00:49,950
- Be excited.
- Half black.
8
00:00:50,050 --> 00:00:51,869
- A little bit. Just a little excited.
- Half black! Half black!
9
00:00:51,969 --> 00:00:53,662
And whenever something goes well
in the country,
10
00:00:53,762 --> 00:00:56,123
the white people go, "The President's
doing such a great job."
11
00:00:56,223 --> 00:00:57,583
And then whenever there's a problem,
it's like,
12
00:00:57,683 --> 00:00:59,376
"That nigga's ruining everything!"
13
00:00:59,476 --> 00:01:01,795
Nope. We are going to have
a woman president next
14
00:01:01,895 --> 00:01:04,047
- and she is going to be Latina.
- Yeah? Okay.
15
00:01:04,147 --> 00:01:05,691
And she might even be gay.
16
00:01:05,858 --> 00:01:07,968
- And we'll have an Asian president.
- A balanced budget.
17
00:01:08,068 --> 00:01:11,013
And we will have
another handicapped president.
18
00:01:11,113 --> 00:01:12,848
Okay, hold on. We're not gonna
have a handicapped president.
19
00:01:12,948 --> 00:01:14,224
Yes. Yes, we will. We already had one.
20
00:01:14,324 --> 00:01:15,434
- We already had one.
- No, no. I'm talking about
21
00:01:15,534 --> 00:01:16,935
out-the-closet handicapped president.
22
00:01:17,035 --> 00:01:18,520
He was out of the closet.
What is wrong...
23
00:01:18,620 --> 00:01:20,022
- Okay. That...
- Hey, hey. Don't get me wrong.
24
00:01:20,122 --> 00:01:21,231
People knew that he was handicapped.
25
00:01:21,331 --> 00:01:22,483
No, I got nothing
against the handicapped,
26
00:01:22,583 --> 00:01:24,860
but everybody's not as liberal as me,
okay?
27
00:01:24,960 --> 00:01:25,986
The media wasn't better then.
28
00:01:26,086 --> 00:01:28,405
I mean, you "run" for president,
you don't "roll" for president.
29
00:01:28,505 --> 00:01:30,741
Like, you'll "run" a campaign,
you don't "roll" a campaign.
30
00:01:30,841 --> 00:01:32,076
- You are horrible.
- I'm not horrible.
31
00:01:32,176 --> 00:01:33,827
That is sick. What is wrong with you?
32
00:01:33,927 --> 00:01:34,912
- I'm sick?
- Yes.
33
00:01:35,012 --> 00:01:37,247
I'm the one voting for the Mexican
lesbian handicapped president.
34
00:01:37,347 --> 00:01:39,917
Oh, my God. You know what?
People are more accepting now.
35
00:01:40,017 --> 00:01:43,337
And thank God for that because
it is literally rough for women, okay?
36
00:01:43,437 --> 00:01:44,463
Yeah.
37
00:01:44,563 --> 00:01:46,507
But I am hopeful,
because people are changing, okay?
38
00:01:46,607 --> 00:01:47,716
- Really?
- Things are changing.
39
00:01:47,816 --> 00:01:49,093
You need to wake up
and smell the progress.
40
00:01:49,193 --> 00:01:50,177
No, no, no, no.
You need to wake up, okay?
41
00:01:50,277 --> 00:01:51,303
Wake up and smell the progress.
42
00:01:51,403 --> 00:01:52,471
- Nothing's changed.
- Yes!
43
00:01:52,571 --> 00:01:53,555
Some things never change.
44
00:01:53,655 --> 00:01:54,723
- Thank God things change!
- Hey, look at this.
45
00:01:54,823 --> 00:01:57,601
Black man trying to get a cab
in New York City.
46
00:01:57,701 --> 00:01:59,103
- Watch this bullshit.
- What's up, Hammy!
47
00:01:59,203 --> 00:02:00,771
Black man trying to get a cab.
48
00:02:00,871 --> 00:02:03,040
Look at this! Taxi, taxi!
49
00:02:03,415 --> 00:02:04,917
Taxi, taxi! Yeah.
50
00:02:09,880 --> 00:02:12,491
Thank you for joining me
at this special edition of my program
51
00:02:12,591 --> 00:02:14,259
at this great university.
52
00:02:17,846 --> 00:02:19,957
In 2005, Time magazine
53
00:02:20,057 --> 00:02:23,894
voted today's guest
"The Funniest Man in America."
54
00:02:24,102 --> 00:02:27,840
By 2010,
the former stand-up had hit it big
55
00:02:27,940 --> 00:02:34,488
with a string of blockbuster movies,
including Hammy the Bear 1, 2 and 3.
56
00:02:37,157 --> 00:02:39,226
All right, Sanchez, here's the plan.
57
00:02:39,326 --> 00:02:41,478
I need you to get that box
of guns across the street.
58
00:02:41,578 --> 00:02:42,913
We don't got time for that.
59
00:02:43,539 --> 00:02:48,252
Sanchez, you got plenty of time.
You got Hammy Time! Now go!
60
00:02:49,878 --> 00:02:53,465
It's Hammy Time! It's Hammy Time!
It's Hammy Time!
61
00:02:53,757 --> 00:02:54,883
It's Hammy Time!
62
00:02:56,885 --> 00:02:59,429
When you were in school,
were you the class clown?
63
00:02:59,888 --> 00:03:01,098
When's the next Hammy movie?
64
00:03:02,808 --> 00:03:07,646
And after some run-ins with the law
due to a battle with alcoholism...
65
00:03:07,896 --> 00:03:10,732
I mean, I was at this restaurant
the other day,
66
00:03:10,941 --> 00:03:13,610
and I saw this guy drink half a beer.
67
00:03:14,403 --> 00:03:17,281
And I was like, wow,
how the hell he do that?
68
00:03:17,781 --> 00:03:19,491
Do you think you're ever
gonna go back to stand-up?
69
00:03:22,119 --> 00:03:26,540
I am past stand-up.
I've done it. I had fun with it.
70
00:03:26,790 --> 00:03:27,858
Here's the thing.
71
00:03:27,958 --> 00:03:29,751
To me, there's nothing better
72
00:03:30,043 --> 00:03:36,241
than the first day your movie comes out,
and sneaking into the back of a theater,
73
00:03:36,341 --> 00:03:39,078
and just watching people
enjoy themselves.
74
00:03:39,178 --> 00:03:41,638
Did you lose your taste though
for comedy?
75
00:03:42,055 --> 00:03:44,808
I want to make uplifting entertainment.
76
00:03:45,142 --> 00:03:46,602
- I wanna make...
- Like Uprize?
77
00:03:46,935 --> 00:03:50,397
Like Uprize. I want to make
thought-provoking entertainment.
78
00:03:51,148 --> 00:03:52,508
This weekend is big.
79
00:03:52,608 --> 00:03:55,944
Opening today, you can see him
play the Haitian revolutionary
80
00:03:56,195 --> 00:03:59,031
Dutty Boukman in his new movie, Uprize.
81
00:04:03,785 --> 00:04:07,998
And you can also see him getting married
to reality star Erica Long
82
00:04:08,498 --> 00:04:09,583
on Bravo.
83
00:04:17,174 --> 00:04:18,509
Hi!
84
00:04:21,178 --> 00:04:22,596
Look who's here.
85
00:04:22,971 --> 00:04:24,640
- Hi, doll.
- Hey, beautiful.
86
00:04:26,433 --> 00:04:27,543
Dre, my man.
87
00:04:27,643 --> 00:04:29,711
Hey, would you mind getting in
on the other side of the car
88
00:04:29,811 --> 00:04:31,338
and then exiting this side?
Please, it's for the show.
89
00:04:31,438 --> 00:04:33,106
Fuck you, Benny. I'm not on your show.
90
00:04:33,273 --> 00:04:35,234
No, you are on the show,
you're just not getting paid.
91
00:04:35,609 --> 00:04:36,760
Guys, play nice, please.
92
00:04:36,860 --> 00:04:38,070
I always play nice.
93
00:04:38,695 --> 00:04:39,847
It's not me.
94
00:04:39,947 --> 00:04:42,783
Mr. Groom, baby, we are almost there.
95
00:04:43,283 --> 00:04:45,602
We've got three more days
and then we're married.
96
00:04:45,702 --> 00:04:46,745
You happy?
97
00:04:46,912 --> 00:04:50,624
I'm happy. I'm just a little stressed out
from this movie. That's all.
98
00:04:50,749 --> 00:04:53,001
Why are you stressed?
Baby, you did great work.
99
00:04:53,126 --> 00:04:54,319
- I know. I know.
- You murdered that role.
100
00:04:54,419 --> 00:04:55,838
- Thank you. Thank you.
- Okay?
101
00:04:56,046 --> 00:04:57,047
Where's my kiss?
102
00:04:57,214 --> 00:04:58,615
Do we have to do this on camera?
103
00:04:58,715 --> 00:05:00,534
Let's just get off camera.
Let's go back in the car.
104
00:05:00,634 --> 00:05:02,219
If it's not on camera, it doesn't exist.
105
00:05:05,180 --> 00:05:07,224
Our thanks to Andre Allen!
106
00:05:09,268 --> 00:05:11,270
Hammy! Hammy!
107
00:05:14,356 --> 00:05:17,568
You know, today's one of those days
I feel like having a drink.
108
00:05:17,776 --> 00:05:18,969
Not funny. Don't talk like that.
109
00:05:19,069 --> 00:05:20,304
I don't want to hear about you drinking
110
00:05:20,404 --> 00:05:22,431
and I don't feel like
getting you out of jail.
111
00:05:22,531 --> 00:05:24,183
Don't worry, no slip-ups.
112
00:05:24,283 --> 00:05:25,476
- Hey.
- Thanks.
113
00:05:25,576 --> 00:05:27,853
You know, I can't wait to see the movie
play in a theater later!
114
00:05:27,953 --> 00:05:29,396
It's gonna be packed.
115
00:05:29,496 --> 00:05:32,165
It's gonna be something else.
I can't wait.
116
00:05:33,542 --> 00:05:34,985
I love me a big girl.
117
00:05:35,085 --> 00:05:36,837
You moving with confidence.
118
00:05:38,338 --> 00:05:39,423
By the way,
119
00:05:39,756 --> 00:05:41,867
Erica wants you to
wear a red shirt on the plane,
120
00:05:41,967 --> 00:05:44,369
and when you get off, she will have
a camera crew waiting for you.
121
00:05:44,469 --> 00:05:45,929
Camera crew, red shirt.
122
00:05:46,096 --> 00:05:47,998
What, are they scared
they're not gonna be able to find me
123
00:05:48,098 --> 00:05:50,501
amongst the sea of niggas
getting off of private jets?
124
00:05:50,601 --> 00:05:51,585
I'm not wearing the shirt.
125
00:05:51,685 --> 00:05:54,129
Okay, whatever, man.
Let's move on to the next interview.
126
00:05:54,229 --> 00:05:56,940
Next interview? I thought I was done
until XM and the junket.
127
00:05:57,107 --> 00:06:00,194
Well, Charles just texted me this one.
They need you for a few hours.
128
00:06:01,570 --> 00:06:03,347
A Wyclef movie is hard to sell.
129
00:06:03,447 --> 00:06:06,141
Everybody in the barber shop
wants to see you in that bear costume.
130
00:06:06,241 --> 00:06:08,602
They love you in that bear costume.
You gotta wear it, baby.
131
00:06:08,702 --> 00:06:09,937
Yeah, but they can't even see my face.
132
00:06:10,037 --> 00:06:12,898
But they feeling you, son.
That's who you are! You Hammy!
133
00:06:12,998 --> 00:06:15,192
I told you, I don't feel like
doing funny movies anymore.
134
00:06:15,292 --> 00:06:17,294
I don't feel funny.
We talked about this.
135
00:06:17,753 --> 00:06:19,630
Save some of that stuff
for your Times interview.
136
00:06:19,963 --> 00:06:21,548
Times? Fuck the Times.
137
00:06:21,965 --> 00:06:23,634
You act like you've never
had a bad review before.
138
00:06:23,800 --> 00:06:25,969
I could take one, but every one?
139
00:06:26,220 --> 00:06:27,329
"Every one," really?
140
00:06:27,429 --> 00:06:28,972
Come on, man. Look at this shit.
141
00:06:29,473 --> 00:06:34,603
"Andre Allen is the most
pathetic character in cinema today.
142
00:06:35,312 --> 00:06:37,464
"If he ever put out another movie,
143
00:06:37,564 --> 00:06:40,592
"I would not see it
if it was playing in my glasses."
144
00:06:40,692 --> 00:06:43,195
Why the fuck would somebody
say some shit like that?
145
00:06:43,362 --> 00:06:45,097
That's James Nielson.
That's what he does.
146
00:06:45,197 --> 00:06:47,282
He's a critic.
And he won't show his face.
147
00:06:47,533 --> 00:06:48,892
No, fuck James Nielson.
148
00:06:48,992 --> 00:06:50,327
He's been ripping my shit apart
for years.
149
00:06:50,494 --> 00:06:51,662
The next one's a chick.
150
00:06:51,870 --> 00:06:53,689
She just wants to do
a profile piece on you.
151
00:06:53,789 --> 00:06:55,207
And I think she's a big fan of yours.
152
00:06:55,374 --> 00:06:56,542
Fuck the Times.
153
00:06:56,708 --> 00:06:58,235
You're gonna do this, okay?
154
00:06:58,335 --> 00:07:00,112
I'm not going to go
back and forth with you about this.
155
00:07:00,212 --> 00:07:02,506
We talked about it.
It's The New York Times.
156
00:07:02,631 --> 00:07:04,842
Do you hear me? The New York Times!
157
00:07:05,175 --> 00:07:06,285
Let me ask you a question.
158
00:07:06,385 --> 00:07:07,494
When you told me that you wanted to do
159
00:07:07,594 --> 00:07:08,912
that movie Crossbusters,
what'd I say to you, Andre?
160
00:07:09,012 --> 00:07:10,038
"Not a good idea."
161
00:07:10,138 --> 00:07:11,248
When you tell me that you wanted to do
162
00:07:11,348 --> 00:07:12,724
that little baseball movie,
what I say to you, Andre?
163
00:07:12,891 --> 00:07:14,393
You said it wasn't a good idea.
164
00:07:14,643 --> 00:07:16,044
Now, when you tell me
you wanted to do that movie
165
00:07:16,144 --> 00:07:17,963
about the Haitian revolution,
Andre, what'd I say to you?
166
00:07:18,063 --> 00:07:19,690
You said it wasn't a good idea, okay?
167
00:07:19,857 --> 00:07:22,259
No. No, no, no, no, you're wrong, Andre.
168
00:07:22,359 --> 00:07:24,486
That's not what I said.
I said, "Nigga, is you crazy?"
169
00:07:24,736 --> 00:07:26,697
I emailed it! I sent the email out
170
00:07:26,905 --> 00:07:29,808
with a bunch of racial slurs
and bad English
171
00:07:29,908 --> 00:07:31,268
to my own company account!
172
00:07:31,368 --> 00:07:33,812
The reason why I did it, Andre,
was 'cause I wanted to be on file
173
00:07:33,912 --> 00:07:35,689
to show people that I was against this!
174
00:07:35,789 --> 00:07:38,442
I was against this project!
I jeopardized my job.
175
00:07:38,542 --> 00:07:40,085
You know that? I almost ruined my job.
176
00:07:40,252 --> 00:07:41,670
What are you talking about?
177
00:07:41,879 --> 00:07:43,881
A nigga can't get fired
for saying "nigga" to a nigga.
178
00:07:44,047 --> 00:07:46,300
You've never been more wrong.
A nigga can...
179
00:07:48,635 --> 00:07:50,704
A nigga can get fired
for saying "nigga" to a nigga.
180
00:07:50,804 --> 00:07:52,164
A nigga don't run this damn company.
181
00:07:52,264 --> 00:07:54,166
Matter of fact,
if niggas at this company
182
00:07:54,266 --> 00:07:56,126
found out that I was using
the word nigga in here,
183
00:07:56,226 --> 00:07:57,795
my black ass would be on the street.
184
00:07:57,895 --> 00:07:59,171
So you're wrong, nigga.
185
00:07:59,271 --> 00:08:01,799
I guess you're right, nigga,
but I don't want to do this.
186
00:08:01,899 --> 00:08:03,133
I hate James Nielson.
187
00:08:03,233 --> 00:08:06,053
I hate the Times.
Everything I do, they trash.
188
00:08:06,153 --> 00:08:07,262
Not the funny stuff.
189
00:08:07,362 --> 00:08:09,406
Look, Andre,
they're gonna write the story anyway.
190
00:08:09,531 --> 00:08:11,683
And I mean, it's hard enough
getting you a job as it is.
191
00:08:11,783 --> 00:08:13,811
I mean, it's not like everybody's
knocking on your door for work.
192
00:08:13,911 --> 00:08:15,746
It's really hard to get you work.
You know that, I know that.
193
00:08:15,913 --> 00:08:17,289
Do you think the wedding is hurting me?
194
00:08:17,456 --> 00:08:18,941
Are you kidding me? Listen, Andre,
195
00:08:19,041 --> 00:08:21,193
the wedding is the best thing
that you got going right now.
196
00:08:21,293 --> 00:08:22,486
And let's be honest.
197
00:08:22,586 --> 00:08:24,029
Andre, if this thing flops,
198
00:08:24,129 --> 00:08:25,589
we could be talking
Dancing With The Stars, man.
199
00:08:25,714 --> 00:08:27,116
Dancing With the Fucking Stars?
200
00:08:27,216 --> 00:08:29,593
Yes. Dancing With The Stars.
That's where you're at right now.
201
00:08:29,927 --> 00:08:32,346
Andre, all these people want to do
is follow you around for one day.
202
00:08:32,596 --> 00:08:34,181
Let them follow you around!
203
00:08:34,306 --> 00:08:37,459
You know, if I get the word out,
this movie could still be a big hit.
204
00:08:37,559 --> 00:08:39,186
It could be like a Haitian Django.
205
00:08:39,436 --> 00:08:42,005
If you say so, Andre, then yes.
Hold on. Hold on.
206
00:08:42,105 --> 00:08:43,440
Hey! Hey! Hey!
207
00:08:43,565 --> 00:08:44,842
What is going on?
Where's everyone running to?
208
00:08:44,942 --> 00:08:46,885
Zoolander's in the conference room!
209
00:08:46,985 --> 00:08:49,488
Ben Stiller's in the conference...
These white people don't tell me shit!
210
00:08:50,072 --> 00:08:52,407
Yo, Silk! Where's the car?
211
00:08:52,824 --> 00:08:54,326
It's in range.
212
00:08:54,618 --> 00:08:56,620
Hey, how'd it go with Charlie Rose?
213
00:08:57,579 --> 00:08:58,914
Chelsea Brown.
214
00:08:59,498 --> 00:09:00,499
From the Times.
215
00:09:00,666 --> 00:09:02,167
Yes, from the Times.
216
00:09:02,459 --> 00:09:05,170
How'd it go? I thought
you were supposed to be watching.
217
00:09:05,420 --> 00:09:07,589
You a real journalist,
or like Miss Detroit?
218
00:09:07,965 --> 00:09:09,007
Funny.
219
00:09:09,174 --> 00:09:11,034
Look, they just told me
that you're gonna be doing this.
220
00:09:11,134 --> 00:09:12,578
I'm sorry if I'm late.
221
00:09:12,678 --> 00:09:13,804
Congratulations on the wedding.
222
00:09:14,096 --> 00:09:15,097
And the movie.
223
00:09:15,472 --> 00:09:18,792
You know, some friends and I saw you
a few years back at Purchase.
224
00:09:18,892 --> 00:09:19,935
You were really great.
225
00:09:20,143 --> 00:09:22,212
Thank you very much
for doing this interview.
226
00:09:22,312 --> 00:09:25,466
Why, 'cause your boy James Nielson
said he wouldn't watch my next movie
227
00:09:25,566 --> 00:09:27,276
if it was playing in his glasses?
228
00:09:27,734 --> 00:09:30,070
James.
229
00:09:30,404 --> 00:09:33,182
Hey, who would have thought Google
would have made that possible, right?
230
00:09:33,282 --> 00:09:36,660
Look, you're about a half hour late.
If I were you, I would get started.
231
00:09:36,994 --> 00:09:39,913
Okay. I just need to go home first.
232
00:09:40,163 --> 00:09:42,332
They just told me
that we were doing this.
233
00:09:42,499 --> 00:09:43,667
I don't have my recorder.
234
00:09:43,876 --> 00:09:46,044
Recorder? What are you, Lois Lane?
235
00:09:46,170 --> 00:09:48,238
- Just use your phone.
- No, you don't understand.
236
00:09:48,338 --> 00:09:50,841
I can't do an interview without it.
It's kind of my thing. I'm sorry.
237
00:10:00,517 --> 00:10:01,518
You take these?
238
00:10:03,979 --> 00:10:05,189
Yes.
239
00:10:07,482 --> 00:10:08,509
They're good.
240
00:10:08,609 --> 00:10:10,027
I do photography on the side.
241
00:10:10,485 --> 00:10:13,488
I do a little poetry on the side,
I do a little music on the side.
242
00:10:13,739 --> 00:10:15,073
That's nice.
243
00:10:15,407 --> 00:10:19,244
It's always good to make sure
you never get too good at any one thing.
244
00:10:19,912 --> 00:10:21,814
Okay, I'm almost done.
I just need to change really quickly.
245
00:10:21,914 --> 00:10:23,107
I'm gonna surprise my boyfriend
for his birthday.
246
00:10:23,207 --> 00:10:25,375
A word of advice.
247
00:10:25,751 --> 00:10:27,085
Never surprise anyone.
248
00:10:27,252 --> 00:10:28,337
Why?
249
00:10:28,462 --> 00:10:31,548
Hey, I call my mother before I g0 0v3r,
250
00:10:31,673 --> 00:10:33,367
'cause I don't want to
walk in there one day
251
00:10:33,467 --> 00:10:35,427
and catch her hugging up
on some other kid!
252
00:10:35,719 --> 00:10:38,889
Hi. Are you going to marry
Princess Erica on TV?
253
00:10:39,515 --> 00:10:40,516
Can I see your phone?
254
00:10:43,060 --> 00:10:44,837
Did you have a baby when you were 10?
255
00:10:44,937 --> 00:10:47,064
Don't take his phone. Mom?
256
00:10:47,439 --> 00:10:49,525
Okay, what are you doing with my phone?
257
00:10:49,733 --> 00:10:51,135
Playing Angry Birds.
258
00:10:51,235 --> 00:10:53,070
But I don't have Angry Birds.
259
00:10:53,362 --> 00:10:54,346
You do now.
260
00:10:54,446 --> 00:10:58,909
Grace? Go finish your work, mamita.
And give the man back his phone.
261
00:11:00,244 --> 00:11:01,353
- Hi.
- Hi.
262
00:11:01,453 --> 00:11:03,247
I'm Gladys, Chelsea's mother.
263
00:11:03,497 --> 00:11:05,415
Are you ready for the big day?
264
00:11:06,083 --> 00:11:07,918
The wedding. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
265
00:11:08,252 --> 00:11:10,170
You're so lucky you found someone.
266
00:11:10,462 --> 00:11:12,865
I hear that being
a cougar is a big thing,
267
00:11:12,965 --> 00:11:15,342
but I can't find anybody
that wants to be couged.
268
00:11:15,676 --> 00:11:18,095
So, I read this stuff
to try to better understand men.
269
00:11:18,262 --> 00:11:19,263
Listen to this.
270
00:11:19,388 --> 00:11:21,098
"Men love it when you gently..."
271
00:11:21,431 --> 00:11:22,416
What are you talking about?
272
00:11:22,516 --> 00:11:24,209
- "...lick their..."
- Okay, no more Cosmo.
273
00:11:24,309 --> 00:11:25,936
Wait a minute.
I thought you wrote this one.
274
00:11:26,061 --> 00:11:28,689
Wait, wait, get out of here.
So you are a real journalist.
275
00:11:29,314 --> 00:11:31,149
I'm sorry,
I didn't know it was a secret.
276
00:11:31,275 --> 00:11:33,402
Shakira Simmons?
What's that? Your stripper name?
277
00:11:33,527 --> 00:11:34,695
Shakara Simmons.
278
00:11:34,862 --> 00:11:37,281
I don't use my real name
for the fluffy stuff.
279
00:11:37,781 --> 00:11:40,576
Okay, I found my Flip,
and we can go now.
280
00:11:41,326 --> 00:11:43,495
So what's up
with all this Cinderella stuff?
281
00:11:44,788 --> 00:11:45,856
Those are my daughter's.
282
00:11:45,956 --> 00:11:48,792
A little girl's reading
The Cinderella Effect.
283
00:11:49,126 --> 00:11:51,044
- Okay, that one's mine.
- Okay.
284
00:11:51,461 --> 00:11:55,365
Don't you think it's kinda odd that
a grown woman is still into Cinderella?
285
00:11:55,465 --> 00:11:58,243
Don't you think that it's kinda odd that
a grown man is still into the Yankees?
286
00:11:58,343 --> 00:12:00,871
Yes, but the Yankees are a real team.
287
00:12:00,971 --> 00:12:03,557
- A-Rod is real?
- Okay, you got me on that one.
288
00:12:04,892 --> 00:12:07,878
And for your information, my daughter
is working on a school project.
289
00:12:07,978 --> 00:12:10,839
You know, where they have to
rewrite a classical story
290
00:12:10,939 --> 00:12:13,317
and she's doing one
on the real Cinderella.
291
00:12:14,026 --> 00:12:15,552
According to my child,
292
00:12:15,652 --> 00:12:19,139
Cinderella was born a nanny
in the Bronx in 1995, okay?
293
00:12:19,239 --> 00:12:21,683
Her mama was a nanny and her secret
father was the mean white landlord,
294
00:12:21,783 --> 00:12:22,893
who had three daughters.
295
00:12:22,993 --> 00:12:25,187
Cinderella had to do all the things
that a nanny has to do,
296
00:12:25,287 --> 00:12:27,815
she had to cook and clean,
and do everything for her sisters.
297
00:12:27,915 --> 00:12:30,292
And then one day, Prince came into town
298
00:12:30,501 --> 00:12:33,086
and was doing a concert
that everyone wanted to attend.
299
00:12:33,295 --> 00:12:37,508
But the landlord forbid her to go,
so she waited until her sisters left,
300
00:12:37,716 --> 00:12:40,411
and then snuck into the concert
and was the prettiest girl there.
301
00:12:40,511 --> 00:12:42,179
Prince didn't want to hang
with anyone else,
302
00:12:42,304 --> 00:12:43,580
and then she noticed
that her sisters were leaving
303
00:12:43,680 --> 00:12:45,182
and she knew she had to go.
304
00:12:45,349 --> 00:12:48,143
But she also knew
that she wanted to see Prince again.
305
00:12:48,519 --> 00:12:51,772
So, she did what girls do
when they want to see a guy again.
306
00:12:52,147 --> 00:12:53,190
Hand job?
307
00:12:55,359 --> 00:12:56,401
She left something.
308
00:12:58,278 --> 00:13:00,697
Only two days
until the Wedding Spectacular.
309
00:13:00,864 --> 00:13:02,850
The jury's still out
on which shoes Erica will wear.
310
00:13:02,950 --> 00:13:05,144
So were you the class clown growing up?
311
00:13:05,244 --> 00:13:06,578
Class clown?
312
00:13:07,037 --> 00:13:08,814
Is that why we went back
to get this recorder,
313
00:13:08,914 --> 00:13:11,708
so you can ask me
if I was the class clown?
314
00:13:12,584 --> 00:13:14,194
Look, I am really sorry
to break it to you,
315
00:13:14,294 --> 00:13:16,321
but not everybody knows
your origin story.
316
00:13:16,421 --> 00:13:17,448
You know what?
317
00:13:17,548 --> 00:13:19,424
Why don't you just skip
the hack questions
318
00:13:19,550 --> 00:13:20,759
and go right to something good?
319
00:13:21,218 --> 00:13:23,554
All right. Good questions, huh?
320
00:13:23,762 --> 00:13:25,305
How come you're not funny anymore?
321
00:13:25,556 --> 00:13:27,224
And what's up with this wedding?
322
00:13:27,516 --> 00:13:29,351
I mean, it seems really out of control.
323
00:13:29,560 --> 00:13:30,894
Who the fuck are you?
324
00:13:31,562 --> 00:13:33,564
You don't know me. Are you my agent?
325
00:13:34,398 --> 00:13:36,508
You had your kid so young
you guys share math class,
326
00:13:36,608 --> 00:13:38,068
and you're judging me?
327
00:13:38,402 --> 00:13:40,596
You're asking me if my relationship
328
00:13:40,696 --> 00:13:42,573
- with my fiancee is real.
- Yes.
329
00:13:43,365 --> 00:13:44,741
Wait, hold on a second.
330
00:13:45,742 --> 00:13:46,869
It's my career move.
331
00:13:47,119 --> 00:13:48,161
Go on.
332
00:13:49,413 --> 00:13:50,414
Hey, honey.
333
00:13:50,914 --> 00:13:52,065
- Hey, baby.
- What's going on?
334
00:13:52,165 --> 00:13:54,943
Yeah, no. I'm here at the place.
And it looks sick.
335
00:13:55,043 --> 00:13:58,130
It's like epic, babe, it's epic.
It's a story.
336
00:13:58,422 --> 00:13:59,490
Yeah, we're doing the blocking
337
00:13:59,590 --> 00:14:01,492
and I'm looking at head shots
of flower girls.
338
00:14:01,592 --> 00:14:02,885
She's got buck teeth.
339
00:14:03,010 --> 00:14:04,720
Is my stand-in as nervous as I am?
340
00:14:04,887 --> 00:14:07,164
Stop it.
Everything looks just great, okay?
341
00:14:07,264 --> 00:14:08,932
I just wish you were here to see it.
342
00:14:09,266 --> 00:14:10,334
How's your press going?
343
00:14:10,434 --> 00:14:12,769
It's going okay
when they ask about the movie.
344
00:14:13,645 --> 00:14:15,506
Baby, don't worry
about what they're saying.
345
00:14:15,606 --> 00:14:18,217
Your movie is way over their heads.
Did you pick up your tux?
346
00:14:18,317 --> 00:14:20,569
No, not yet. I'm running a little late.
347
00:14:20,777 --> 00:14:22,112
I look bad, you look bad.
348
00:14:22,446 --> 00:14:23,614
Champagne, Mr. Allen?
349
00:14:23,739 --> 00:14:24,907
Yeah, sure.
350
00:14:26,450 --> 00:14:28,685
Are you gonna drink that,
Mr. Ankle Bracelet?
351
00:14:28,785 --> 00:14:30,145
I always say yes.
352
00:14:30,245 --> 00:14:32,414
'Cause whenever you say no,
people want an explanation.
353
00:14:32,623 --> 00:14:35,292
Yeah, I'm the same way with meth.
I just take it.
354
00:14:35,709 --> 00:14:37,961
Is it true that Erica
helped you get clean?
355
00:14:38,295 --> 00:14:39,963
Do you even know what my movie's about?
356
00:14:40,172 --> 00:14:41,740
It's about Dutty Boukman,
357
00:14:41,840 --> 00:14:44,368
a self-educated slave
who, once in Haiti,
358
00:14:44,468 --> 00:14:45,744
became one of the leaders
of the revolution
359
00:14:45,844 --> 00:14:48,372
where Haitian slaves
killed over 50,000 whites.
360
00:14:48,472 --> 00:14:50,499
Yay, dead white people.
361
00:14:50,599 --> 00:14:52,059
Dutty did not shut up and play nice.
362
00:14:52,226 --> 00:14:55,354
You know, normally, after someone says
they saw your movie,
363
00:14:55,938 --> 00:14:59,091
they give you some sort of opinion,
you know...
364
00:14:59,191 --> 00:15:02,094
They go, "I saw your movie
and I thought it was good."
365
00:15:02,194 --> 00:15:04,596
And you know, sometimes
they don't like your movie and they go,
366
00:15:04,696 --> 00:15:06,615
"I saw your movie
and I thought it was interesting."
367
00:15:06,782 --> 00:15:11,019
Yeah, it was interesting how
you ended the movie before you showed
368
00:15:11,119 --> 00:15:13,897
how the French had cut his head off
and paraded it around the country.
369
00:15:13,997 --> 00:15:15,666
But I'd like to ask you
this question first.
370
00:15:16,834 --> 00:15:20,170
How do you think being sober
has affected your career?
371
00:15:20,546 --> 00:15:21,672
It hasn't.
372
00:15:23,423 --> 00:15:26,426
I think it has. I know it has.
373
00:15:26,844 --> 00:15:28,470
I mean, really.
What do you know about sobriety?
374
00:15:28,804 --> 00:15:31,473
What do I know about sobriety?
What don't I know?
375
00:15:31,640 --> 00:15:34,643
"God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change...
376
00:15:34,768 --> 00:15:36,228
"...the courage
to change the things I can
377
00:15:36,395 --> 00:15:39,214
"and the wisdom to not smoke crack."
378
00:15:39,314 --> 00:15:40,315
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
379
00:15:40,691 --> 00:15:44,027
Is that more research,
or are you in recovery?
380
00:15:45,612 --> 00:15:46,697
Four years.
381
00:15:47,781 --> 00:15:49,950
Four years? I'm four years.
382
00:15:50,117 --> 00:15:52,286
I drank everything, it didn't matter.
383
00:15:52,536 --> 00:15:55,539
It got really bad
when I started guzzling hand sanitizer.
384
00:15:55,706 --> 00:15:57,541
Hand sanitizer?
385
00:15:58,083 --> 00:16:00,544
- Did you ever drink Sterno?
- What the fuck is Sterno?
386
00:16:00,878 --> 00:16:04,590
Yeah, Sterno, you know those little cans
they put at the buffet to keep food warm.
387
00:16:04,798 --> 00:16:06,592
That's some Amy Winehouse shit.
388
00:16:08,760 --> 00:16:12,181
Can we get back to this idea that
your sobriety hasn't affected your work?
389
00:16:13,724 --> 00:16:16,210
Did Erica actually get you clean,
as rumor has it?
390
00:16:16,310 --> 00:16:19,463
No, I got myself clean.
You need to stop listening to rumors.
391
00:16:19,563 --> 00:16:20,547
Hammy!
392
00:16:20,647 --> 00:16:22,399
What got you clean, Miss Sterno?
393
00:16:23,483 --> 00:16:27,070
I don't know. My mother. My kid.
394
00:16:28,071 --> 00:16:30,407
Maybe I just got tired of waking up
with strange dicks in my face.
395
00:16:32,784 --> 00:16:34,786
Too much info. What...
396
00:16:34,912 --> 00:16:37,581
Okay, your turn
Mr. "I Got Myself Clean."
397
00:16:37,915 --> 00:16:39,917
- Rigorous honesty?
- Yes.
398
00:16:40,417 --> 00:16:42,611
You guys rip me apart
every chance you get.
399
00:16:42,711 --> 00:16:44,279
Why should I talk to you?
400
00:16:44,379 --> 00:16:45,714
I've got nothing to do with that.
401
00:16:45,839 --> 00:16:47,366
Yeah, but that's your people.
402
00:16:47,466 --> 00:16:49,493
Look, if you're gonna
just cut my head off
403
00:16:49,593 --> 00:16:52,746
and parade it around the square,
I don't need to help you with that.
404
00:16:52,846 --> 00:16:55,849
I'm not here to hurt you.
I just want a decent story.
405
00:16:56,266 --> 00:16:59,269
You give me a couple
of really great honest things,
406
00:16:59,728 --> 00:17:02,064
stuff you haven't told everybody else,
407
00:17:02,272 --> 00:17:05,275
some real inside stuff,
rigorous honesty stuff,
408
00:17:05,943 --> 00:17:09,279
and I promise you...
I will be more than fair.
409
00:17:10,280 --> 00:17:12,449
- On the record.
- On the record.
410
00:17:14,451 --> 00:17:15,619
Deal.
411
00:17:16,954 --> 00:17:19,039
Nice to meet you, Andre Allen.
412
00:17:19,206 --> 00:17:21,416
I look forward to interviewing you,
Andre Allen.
413
00:17:22,543 --> 00:17:26,713
Okay, let's try this again.
First truthful question.
414
00:17:26,922 --> 00:17:28,257
What was your bottom?
415
00:17:28,966 --> 00:17:32,302
First truthful answer. Houston.
416
00:17:38,767 --> 00:17:41,270
So I get off the plane in Houston.
417
00:17:44,648 --> 00:17:47,968
Now, I'm expecting the comedy club
to send some kid to pick me up.
418
00:17:48,068 --> 00:17:51,530
But I get to the gate
and to my surprise, I'm met by...
419
00:17:53,824 --> 00:17:55,726
Hey, wassup? You came to pick me up?
420
00:17:55,826 --> 00:17:58,562
Yeah, man. Hey, sorry I didn't have
one of them little signs, man.
421
00:17:58,662 --> 00:18:01,774
I'm Jazzy Dee, CEO
at the Code J Enterprises, man.
422
00:18:01,874 --> 00:18:03,358
- Welcome to Houston.
- Thanks a lot.
423
00:18:03,458 --> 00:18:05,944
We promoting your show, man.
You know what I'm saying?
424
00:18:06,044 --> 00:18:07,529
- How was your flight? Good?
- Yeah, it was pretty good.
425
00:18:07,629 --> 00:18:08,655
That's great. Great, man.
426
00:18:08,755 --> 00:18:11,158
You know, tickets are a little slow
'cause of the hair show in town,
427
00:18:11,258 --> 00:18:13,243
but don't worry,
we're gonna have a big walk-up, dawg.
428
00:18:13,343 --> 00:18:16,471
Okay. Okay. So about...
How far is the hotel? I'm starving.
429
00:18:16,638 --> 00:18:18,916
About 45 minute.
Bruce Bruce is already there.
430
00:18:19,016 --> 00:18:20,334
Like I say, this my town.
431
00:18:20,434 --> 00:18:22,252
Anything you need,
you let a brother know.
432
00:18:22,352 --> 00:18:24,004
I'm the motherfuckin' man
in Houston, dawg.
433
00:18:24,104 --> 00:18:27,107
Anything you need, coke, weed, drank.
434
00:18:27,357 --> 00:18:29,735
You know, syrup.
You want some of that syrup?
435
00:18:29,860 --> 00:18:31,011
- No, no, I'm good.
- That's good.
436
00:18:31,111 --> 00:18:32,763
'Cause I'm the motherfuckin' man
in Houston, man.
437
00:18:32,863 --> 00:18:34,056
I'm gonna tell you that right now.
438
00:18:34,156 --> 00:18:36,158
I'm the motherfuckin' man
in Houston, baby!
439
00:18:37,201 --> 00:18:39,536
Hey, you see how I do it, right?
440
00:18:39,870 --> 00:18:41,105
No check-in or nothing.
441
00:18:41,205 --> 00:18:43,190
I just walk through the door,
through the lobby, man.
442
00:18:43,290 --> 00:18:45,401
They just giving me the key.
You know what I'm saying?
443
00:18:45,501 --> 00:18:47,778
I told you, I'm the motherfuckin' man
in Houston, dawg.
444
00:18:47,878 --> 00:18:49,446
I got you a suite.
445
00:18:49,546 --> 00:18:51,698
Everything.
All the amenities, everything good.
446
00:18:51,798 --> 00:18:55,219
Jacuzzi tub, a little living room.
Bed got a duvet on it.
447
00:18:55,385 --> 00:18:58,388
You can lay down all over that, man.
So you straight?
448
00:18:58,639 --> 00:19:00,791
I'm straight. I'm straight.
Yo, check this out.
449
00:19:00,891 --> 00:19:02,643
So, I gotta get dressed, right?
450
00:19:02,893 --> 00:19:06,213
But a little later, why don't you come by,
scoop me up,
451
00:19:06,313 --> 00:19:08,715
then we hit some clubs,
and you know, promote the show?
452
00:19:08,815 --> 00:19:12,136
I like that. I like that.
You're about your paper, boy.
453
00:19:12,236 --> 00:19:13,804
I'm about it, baby.
I'm about it 'bout it.
454
00:19:13,904 --> 00:19:14,972
I'm gonna see you about 11:00.
455
00:19:15,072 --> 00:19:16,949
- By 11:00. By 11:00.
- Okay. All right, cool.
456
00:19:17,074 --> 00:19:18,075
Hey...
457
00:19:18,534 --> 00:19:20,686
Dre, you mind if I get
some of them hangers, man?
458
00:19:20,786 --> 00:19:22,329
I need some wooden hang... Damn it.
459
00:19:22,746 --> 00:19:24,081
They got the...
460
00:19:24,414 --> 00:19:26,750
They got the lock on 'em!
They got the lock on 'em!
461
00:19:26,917 --> 00:19:28,919
They hip to your boy.
Who the man in Houston?
462
00:19:29,336 --> 00:19:31,421
- Jay Dizzle!
- Motherfuckin' man!
463
00:19:34,258 --> 00:19:35,759
This is Andre Allen.
464
00:19:36,093 --> 00:19:37,594
Come on out tomorrow night,
465
00:19:37,928 --> 00:19:42,266
to see me and my man, Bruce Bruce,
at the Laugh Shack!
466
00:19:45,936 --> 00:19:47,271
Laugh Shack.
467
00:19:59,741 --> 00:20:01,685
This is how I do it every day.
It's how I live.
468
00:20:01,785 --> 00:20:04,354
Strictly V.I.P. for me and my nigs.
469
00:20:04,454 --> 00:20:05,397
You know, I told you,
470
00:20:05,497 --> 00:20:07,374
I'm the motherfuckin' man
in Houston, dawg!
471
00:20:07,541 --> 00:20:09,376
You don't even know
what it's like out there, man.
472
00:20:09,626 --> 00:20:11,779
Nigga be on the other side
of the ropes talkin' about,
473
00:20:11,879 --> 00:20:13,864
"Hey, Jazz, how can I get in V.I.P.?"
474
00:20:13,964 --> 00:20:16,133
I'm like, "Nigga, get a better life!"
475
00:20:19,052 --> 00:20:22,723
You crazy, Jazzy.
But, look, we got to make a run.
476
00:20:22,973 --> 00:20:25,559
- Bye, Andre. Bye-bye, Bruce.
- Bye.
477
00:20:25,893 --> 00:20:28,478
See you all later.
Hey, beep me, Jazz. Don't forget.
478
00:20:28,979 --> 00:20:30,814
Don't run too far.
479
00:20:30,981 --> 00:20:32,399
- Yeah.
- Beep you, all right.
480
00:20:33,150 --> 00:20:34,318
- Bye.
- Yeah.
481
00:20:34,651 --> 00:20:35,652
Take care, ladies.
482
00:20:35,903 --> 00:20:37,721
Could we get another bottle over here?
483
00:20:37,821 --> 00:20:38,906
Thank you!
484
00:20:39,072 --> 00:20:40,157
Yes.
485
00:20:40,490 --> 00:20:41,783
Yeah.
486
00:20:41,992 --> 00:20:44,995
Hey, man, like I said, dawg,
them two girls right there?
487
00:20:45,120 --> 00:20:46,997
They gonna come by the hotel later.
488
00:20:47,206 --> 00:20:48,207
Get out of here!
489
00:20:48,415 --> 00:20:49,483
I'm the motherfuckin' man, dawg!
490
00:20:49,583 --> 00:20:50,734
Oh, man!
491
00:20:50,834 --> 00:20:52,669
Yo, yo, Jazz, Jazz, Jazz!
492
00:20:52,920 --> 00:20:54,922
My wife's family's from Houston, man!
493
00:20:55,380 --> 00:20:58,033
One of those bitches might know
her cousins or something, playa!
494
00:20:58,133 --> 00:21:00,677
No doubt, no doubt, Bruce,
I respect that.
495
00:21:00,844 --> 00:21:03,514
I'll give you a full, official time-out
on that, nigga.
496
00:21:03,680 --> 00:21:04,832
- But you!
- Yo.
497
00:21:04,932 --> 00:21:07,684
You, my nigga!
I know you can handle two bitches!
498
00:21:08,143 --> 00:21:09,878
If I hadn't been drinking all night,
499
00:21:09,978 --> 00:21:13,023
I would have known
this was too good to be true. But...
500
00:21:13,524 --> 00:21:14,675
Bring four, nigga! Bring four.
501
00:21:14,775 --> 00:21:16,260
- Four bitches?
- Four. Four. Four.
502
00:21:16,360 --> 00:21:18,429
I tell you, if I had four bitches,
503
00:21:18,529 --> 00:21:20,347
I'd have one of 'em
braiding my motherfuckin' hair,
504
00:21:20,447 --> 00:21:22,099
and the other motherfuckin'
doing my taxes!
505
00:21:22,199 --> 00:21:24,101
Goddamn, nigga! Goddamn.
506
00:21:24,201 --> 00:21:25,853
Is some smart hos out here.
507
00:21:25,953 --> 00:21:27,913
Some of these hos are smart, nigga,
that's what I'm saying.
508
00:21:28,121 --> 00:21:30,707
I seemed confident,
but that was the liquor talking.
509
00:21:31,041 --> 00:21:34,711
H-town! Who the motherfuckin' man?
510
00:21:34,962 --> 00:21:36,363
I mean, what you gotta understand is
511
00:21:36,463 --> 00:21:40,676
even when you're a little famous,
and that's all I was, a little famous,
512
00:21:40,926 --> 00:21:43,595
people lie and exaggerate to you
all the time.
513
00:21:43,804 --> 00:21:48,058
I need to borrow $10,000, man, okay?
I'll never ask you for money again.
514
00:21:48,392 --> 00:21:50,294
Dude, for only 50 grand,
515
00:21:50,394 --> 00:21:53,313
we can control all the water
on the Internet.
516
00:21:53,730 --> 00:21:56,733
Don't worry, I won't get pregnant.
My pussy's broken.
517
00:21:58,068 --> 00:22:00,012
Anyway, I get back to the hotel
518
00:22:00,112 --> 00:22:02,364
and get what I used to call
some "ho sleep."
519
00:22:02,489 --> 00:22:04,141
That's that horrible sleep you get
520
00:22:04,241 --> 00:22:06,994
when you think there's a chance
a ho might come over.
521
00:22:25,762 --> 00:22:27,097
Hey, Andre.
522
00:22:27,389 --> 00:22:29,391
Hey, wassup? I forgot about you two.
523
00:22:29,600 --> 00:22:31,043
What you got poppin' up in here?
524
00:22:31,143 --> 00:22:32,186
I can't wait for your show.
525
00:22:32,436 --> 00:22:35,480
Bruce Bruce is so funny.
I'm friends with his wife's cousin.
526
00:22:35,647 --> 00:22:36,690
Do you got a minibar?
527
00:22:36,857 --> 00:22:38,525
Yeah, yeah, I got a minibar.
528
00:22:39,067 --> 00:22:42,070
What y'all want?
Chicken fingers? Breakfast?
529
00:22:42,279 --> 00:22:43,447
Jalapeno poppers?
530
00:22:43,614 --> 00:22:47,701
Jalapeno poppers?
Okay, just let me call and see...
531
00:22:49,912 --> 00:22:51,079
Chicken.
532
00:22:51,413 --> 00:22:52,748
This is good.
533
00:22:55,459 --> 00:22:57,377
They were wildin' at the club
when you left.
534
00:22:58,587 --> 00:23:00,214
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
535
00:23:00,923 --> 00:23:02,257
You want some?
536
00:23:02,591 --> 00:23:04,510
Room service is my jam.
537
00:23:09,348 --> 00:23:10,833
- We got some more.
- What? I'm a...
538
00:23:10,933 --> 00:23:12,142
We got whatever you need.
539
00:23:24,780 --> 00:23:26,198
Okay.
540
00:23:45,342 --> 00:23:46,426
Yeah.
541
00:24:00,107 --> 00:24:01,233
Oh, yeah.
542
00:24:05,070 --> 00:24:06,196
Yeah.
543
00:24:07,990 --> 00:24:09,892
I mean, honestly, I couldn't believe
544
00:24:09,992 --> 00:24:12,661
God had blessed me
with these two angels.
545
00:24:17,374 --> 00:24:20,544
Hey, do not disturb!
546
00:24:21,003 --> 00:24:23,338
- Beat it.
- I don't need anything!
547
00:24:24,464 --> 00:24:25,632
Fucking maids.
548
00:24:29,178 --> 00:24:30,370
Well, well, well.
549
00:24:30,470 --> 00:24:32,222
- What do we have here?
- Hey, hey.
550
00:24:32,389 --> 00:24:34,099
Are you all doing a pillow fight?
551
00:24:34,224 --> 00:24:35,893
That's my shit right there.
552
00:24:39,313 --> 00:24:41,064
Oh, my God. Were you scared?
553
00:24:41,231 --> 00:24:42,841
Yes, I was scared. I'm naked
554
00:24:42,941 --> 00:24:45,427
and a man walks in the room
and starts undressing.
555
00:24:45,527 --> 00:24:47,262
That look good, man.
556
00:24:47,362 --> 00:24:48,530
Hey, let me get some of that.
557
00:24:49,865 --> 00:24:52,017
- Hi, Jazzy.
- Hey, Jazzy.
558
00:24:52,117 --> 00:24:54,995
My dick was gone,
it looked like a button on a mink coat.
559
00:24:55,204 --> 00:24:56,522
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
560
00:24:56,622 --> 00:24:58,440
Yeah, daddy Dee's getting it!
561
00:24:58,540 --> 00:24:59,733
Who the motherfuckin' man in Houston?
562
00:24:59,833 --> 00:25:01,110
You're the motherfuckin' man!
563
00:25:01,210 --> 00:25:02,753
You're the man. We love you.
564
00:25:03,462 --> 00:25:04,988
Look at that tow truck.
Look at that tow truck.
565
00:25:05,088 --> 00:25:06,340
Back that thing up on it.
566
00:25:06,548 --> 00:25:08,842
Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.
567
00:25:09,051 --> 00:25:10,619
- Harder. Harder.
- Yeah.
568
00:25:10,719 --> 00:25:13,055
Jazzy Dizzle. Gettin' it.
569
00:25:14,056 --> 00:25:16,141
I wanted to run away, but I was naked.
570
00:25:17,267 --> 00:25:18,477
Yeah.
571
00:25:18,894 --> 00:25:19,895
How did you feel?
572
00:25:20,103 --> 00:25:21,480
I was terrified.
573
00:25:22,022 --> 00:25:23,273
Yeah, yeah.
574
00:25:23,482 --> 00:25:25,776
Hey, bitch. Get your ass over here.
575
00:25:26,235 --> 00:25:27,277
Me?
576
00:25:29,404 --> 00:25:30,739
Coming, Daddy.
577
00:25:31,198 --> 00:25:34,309
These girls that I thought were angels
two seconds ago,
578
00:25:34,409 --> 00:25:36,870
are now the most disgusting things
I've ever seen.
579
00:25:37,955 --> 00:25:39,248
Oh, yeah.
580
00:25:41,208 --> 00:25:42,334
What'd the room smell like?
581
00:25:42,751 --> 00:25:45,796
What did the room smell like?
What kind of question is that?
582
00:25:45,963 --> 00:25:46,947
Come on.
583
00:25:47,047 --> 00:25:49,716
Scared motherfucker, ass
and smoked ribs.
584
00:25:50,133 --> 00:25:51,927
But the most disgusting part...
585
00:25:52,135 --> 00:25:55,013
- No!
- Yes!
586
00:25:55,222 --> 00:25:57,057
I think, I think I'm coming!
587
00:26:01,812 --> 00:26:03,438
It was like Old Faithful.
588
00:26:05,190 --> 00:26:07,359
It was just everywhere.
589
00:26:07,985 --> 00:26:11,697
Like the garbage truck had to come
and lay salt to get rid of it.
590
00:26:12,781 --> 00:26:14,283
So finally, they leave.
591
00:26:14,491 --> 00:26:16,226
I assume it's to do coke.
592
00:26:16,326 --> 00:26:18,203
You know, people get real stingy
with their coke.
593
00:26:39,683 --> 00:26:40,684
Hey, wassup?
594
00:26:41,018 --> 00:26:42,352
Where's Jazzy?
595
00:26:42,644 --> 00:26:44,922
I don't know.
I thought you all went somewhere.
596
00:26:45,022 --> 00:26:46,215
Yeah, right.
597
00:26:46,315 --> 00:26:48,509
You don't know where
your best friend Jazzy's at?
598
00:26:48,609 --> 00:26:50,194
Best friend?
599
00:26:50,527 --> 00:26:53,739
Hey, I just met him today.
He's not really my best friend.
600
00:26:54,156 --> 00:26:56,867
I mean, is something wrong?
Is there a problem?
601
00:26:57,034 --> 00:26:58,535
Yeah, there's a fucking problem.
602
00:26:58,869 --> 00:27:01,480
Your best friend said
if we came over here and fucked you,
603
00:27:01,580 --> 00:27:02,606
we'd get $1,000.
604
00:27:02,706 --> 00:27:04,149
$1,000? What the... Hey, hey, hey...
605
00:27:04,249 --> 00:27:06,485
And now I cannot find his ass.
606
00:27:06,585 --> 00:27:09,338
Hey, he ain't tell me shit,
and even if he did,
607
00:27:09,671 --> 00:27:12,007
why would I pay you to fuck him?
608
00:27:12,424 --> 00:27:14,201
I mean, I'm nasty, but I'm not a freak!
609
00:27:14,301 --> 00:27:15,969
I don't care!
610
00:27:16,470 --> 00:27:18,414
You better get us our money and soon,
611
00:27:18,514 --> 00:27:20,499
or I'm gonna yell
"rape" up in this bitch
612
00:27:20,599 --> 00:27:23,227
and your ass is gonna go to jail!
Do you hear me?
613
00:27:23,352 --> 00:27:25,129
- I ain't givin' y'all...
- Do you hear me?
614
00:27:25,229 --> 00:27:26,396
I got nothing to do with Jazzy!
615
00:27:26,563 --> 00:27:27,648
Rape!
616
00:27:31,026 --> 00:27:33,470
I told you I'm the motherfuckin' man
in Houston, right?
617
00:27:33,570 --> 00:27:35,697
If I didn't know that judge,
you might still be in there.
618
00:27:35,864 --> 00:27:37,241
Look, I'm gonna drop
Dede off at practice,
619
00:27:37,366 --> 00:27:39,576
then get you back to the hotel,
you get some rest.
620
00:27:40,536 --> 00:27:41,870
I mean, after Houston,
621
00:27:42,079 --> 00:27:44,081
I totally quit drinking.
622
00:27:44,790 --> 00:27:47,626
From that point on,
I never had a drink again.
623
00:27:49,670 --> 00:27:52,339
No donuts!
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.
624
00:27:52,714 --> 00:27:55,325
There it is,
let me be your prisoner of love.
625
00:27:55,425 --> 00:27:56,785
- How about that?
- You know you need to back up.
626
00:27:56,885 --> 00:27:58,662
Lock me up! Put the key in your bra!
627
00:27:58,762 --> 00:28:00,264
Let me come and get it with my teeth!
628
00:28:01,098 --> 00:28:02,432
Yeah, Charles.
629
00:28:02,641 --> 00:28:04,393
It's just the matinees.
630
00:28:04,977 --> 00:28:07,729
Hey, people are still at work.
It'll pick up tonight.
631
00:28:08,063 --> 00:28:11,692
Look, I just walked in the jewelry store,
and I will check in with you later, okay?
632
00:28:17,072 --> 00:28:18,407
Here you go.
633
00:28:22,828 --> 00:28:25,080
- These aren't the rings.
- They're not?
634
00:28:25,455 --> 00:28:27,583
I mean, those are the rings,
but there's an extra ring there.
635
00:28:27,833 --> 00:28:31,086
Let me go get Michele.
I think she dealt with it.
636
00:28:34,423 --> 00:28:36,800
- Hey, excuse me, sir. No, no, no.
- I just wanted...
637
00:28:37,426 --> 00:28:39,136
Mr. Allen, hi.
638
00:28:39,261 --> 00:28:40,804
Is there a problem with your ring?
639
00:28:41,138 --> 00:28:42,556
Well, there's another ring there.
640
00:28:43,432 --> 00:28:44,725
You're right.
641
00:28:44,850 --> 00:28:48,061
I mean, we're just getting married,
we're not winning the Super Bowl.
642
00:28:48,353 --> 00:28:51,690
Miss Long came by earlier this week and
643
00:28:52,274 --> 00:28:54,776
added onto the order.
644
00:28:55,569 --> 00:28:57,237
Added to the order?
645
00:29:03,452 --> 00:29:04,786
Hammy!
646
00:29:06,496 --> 00:29:08,165
Hey, yo, Hammy!
647
00:29:09,833 --> 00:29:10,859
Hey, Hammy!
648
00:29:10,959 --> 00:29:12,294
Let's go.
649
00:29:13,962 --> 00:29:15,005
So, here are your lines.
650
00:29:15,172 --> 00:29:17,549
The engineer will cue you
when he is ready.
651
00:29:17,966 --> 00:29:19,159
You good?
You need a coffee or anything?
652
00:29:19,259 --> 00:29:20,969
- No, I'm good.
- All right, great.
653
00:29:21,762 --> 00:29:22,930
So,
654
00:29:23,680 --> 00:29:25,082
are you okay now?
655
00:29:25,182 --> 00:29:27,392
I saw you yelling on the phone earlier.
656
00:29:27,518 --> 00:29:28,852
No, I'm fine.
657
00:29:29,811 --> 00:29:31,313
What's on your mind?
658
00:29:31,522 --> 00:29:34,967
Ask me a question. Interview me.
Get in my business.
659
00:29:35,067 --> 00:29:37,553
That's what I'm trying to do.
What happened?
660
00:29:37,653 --> 00:29:39,655
Okay. Let me ask you a question.
661
00:29:39,821 --> 00:29:43,158
If a guy you loved
gave you a wedding ring,
662
00:29:43,283 --> 00:29:45,410
a ring you said you've always wanted,
663
00:29:46,119 --> 00:29:48,247
would you exchange it
because your boss told you to?
664
00:29:48,372 --> 00:29:50,707
Why'd you change the rings
without talking to me?
665
00:29:50,916 --> 00:29:54,069
Oh, my gosh, I'm so sorry.
I meant to tell you.
666
00:29:54,169 --> 00:29:55,504
I've been so busy, I just forgot.
667
00:29:56,547 --> 00:29:57,714
How does that make you feel?
668
00:29:57,840 --> 00:30:01,218
I didn't say it was me,
I just said if a guy you loved...
669
00:30:01,844 --> 00:30:03,871
So this guy I love...
670
00:30:03,971 --> 00:30:05,389
Which ring did he get me?
671
00:30:05,597 --> 00:30:07,624
The network, those jerks,
672
00:30:07,724 --> 00:30:09,585
they just thought
they weren't camera-friendly enough,
673
00:30:09,685 --> 00:30:10,919
and I would have never
allowed them to do it
674
00:30:11,019 --> 00:30:12,563
if I thought there was
gonna be a problem.
675
00:30:13,355 --> 00:30:15,732
She's a reality star.
Everything's for sale.
676
00:30:15,941 --> 00:30:17,860
Everything's not for sale.
677
00:30:19,611 --> 00:30:21,446
Okay! You ready?
678
00:30:22,823 --> 00:30:27,244
What's up? This is Andre Allen
and when I listen to satellite radio,
679
00:30:27,411 --> 00:30:30,414
I listen to Sirius Hits One.
680
00:30:30,914 --> 00:30:33,917
That's... That's good, just...
681
00:30:34,293 --> 00:30:35,586
Just make it a little funnier.
682
00:30:36,420 --> 00:30:38,755
- Funnier?
- You're a funny guy.
683
00:30:40,883 --> 00:30:42,384
Make it more funny.
684
00:30:43,093 --> 00:30:44,344
Okay.
685
00:30:44,845 --> 00:30:49,666
Hey, wassup, this is Andre Allen
and when I listen to satellite radio,
686
00:30:49,766 --> 00:30:51,768
I listen to Sirius Hits One!
687
00:30:53,395 --> 00:30:56,982
Just, you know, say...
Just put a little...
688
00:30:57,274 --> 00:30:58,400
Put a little stank on it.
689
00:30:59,693 --> 00:31:00,694
Stank?
690
00:31:01,778 --> 00:31:03,363
Stank. Stank.
691
00:31:03,614 --> 00:31:05,616
- Stank?
- Give it stank.
692
00:31:05,949 --> 00:31:08,160
Okay, I don't really know
what you mean.
693
00:31:08,327 --> 00:31:09,494
Could you show me?
694
00:31:11,163 --> 00:31:14,166
You're the funny... I'm not...
Okay, all right. It's like...
695
00:31:14,458 --> 00:31:17,294
Hey! This is Andre Allen,
696
00:31:17,669 --> 00:31:20,339
and when I listen to satellite radio...
697
00:31:21,465 --> 00:31:23,967
I listen to Sirius Hits One!
698
00:31:24,468 --> 00:31:25,802
It's a brand new movie.
699
00:31:26,094 --> 00:31:28,180
- Uprize?
- Uprize. Uprize.
700
00:31:28,388 --> 00:31:29,890
It's in theaters today.
701
00:31:30,182 --> 00:31:31,808
You're playin' a Haitian revolutionary?
702
00:31:32,142 --> 00:31:33,977
- This is a...
- Homosexuals.
703
00:31:34,144 --> 00:31:35,812
- ...homosexual radio station.
- Yeah.
704
00:31:36,021 --> 00:31:38,482
I just want to say, "What's up?"
to all my Haitian fans
705
00:31:39,107 --> 00:31:40,467
that listen to Opie and Anthony.
706
00:31:40,567 --> 00:31:41,802
First of all, who's going to believe
707
00:31:41,902 --> 00:31:44,613
that Hammy the Bear
is a revolutionary out of Haiti?
708
00:31:44,947 --> 00:31:46,532
Hammy's not in the movie.
709
00:31:46,698 --> 00:31:49,226
They should let children out of school
to see this movie.
710
00:31:49,326 --> 00:31:50,494
They should show it in school.
711
00:31:50,661 --> 00:31:55,457
First hundred gay people
get three dollars off their tickets.
712
00:31:55,749 --> 00:31:58,252
If you look at my comedy,
it was always serious.
713
00:31:58,502 --> 00:32:00,070
Just prove your gayness...
714
00:32:00,170 --> 00:32:01,672
- How do we prove we're gay?
- ...and we...
715
00:32:01,797 --> 00:32:03,882
I have some... Some goat meat.
716
00:32:04,049 --> 00:32:06,552
I brought you some Haitian food.
717
00:32:06,677 --> 00:32:08,011
- Goat meat.
- Goat meat?
718
00:32:08,178 --> 00:32:10,497
- Spaghetti with ketchup...
- What is...
719
00:32:10,597 --> 00:32:13,225
...which Haitians actually
eat for breakfast.
720
00:32:13,851 --> 00:32:16,253
- Really?
- Yes. This... This...
721
00:32:16,353 --> 00:32:17,354
Sounds awful.
722
00:32:17,521 --> 00:32:20,966
Yes, spaghetti with ketchup
is the Cheerios of Haiti.
723
00:32:21,066 --> 00:32:23,735
Now, is there going to be
a Hammy the Bear 4?
724
00:32:23,986 --> 00:32:28,156
I hate Hammy the Bear.
I gave you three Hammy the Bears.
725
00:32:28,490 --> 00:32:30,309
I want people to take me serious.
726
00:32:30,409 --> 00:32:33,270
I want people to stop
walking up to me on the street
727
00:32:33,370 --> 00:32:35,314
and making bear sounds.
728
00:32:35,414 --> 00:32:37,858
Andre, what do you have to say
to the white audience here
729
00:32:37,958 --> 00:32:40,878
that is insulted, disgusted,
730
00:32:41,211 --> 00:32:44,865
by your movie, watching 50,000
of their people being killed?
731
00:32:44,965 --> 00:32:49,119
George Bush kills a lot of brown people.
Nobody had a problem with that.
732
00:32:49,219 --> 00:32:50,220
It wasn't a movie.
733
00:32:50,345 --> 00:32:52,723
He killed some...
Like, really killed them!
734
00:32:52,890 --> 00:32:55,209
I fake-kill white people
and it's a problem.
735
00:32:55,309 --> 00:32:56,435
There's outrage.
736
00:32:56,560 --> 00:33:00,564
How many of these white people
actually die on screen?
737
00:33:00,856 --> 00:33:03,801
Probably two, three thousand.
738
00:33:03,901 --> 00:33:04,943
That's it, dawg?
739
00:33:06,403 --> 00:33:08,280
- Stank.
- Stank.
740
00:33:13,243 --> 00:33:14,912
Nice and funny. Go!
741
00:33:15,579 --> 00:33:19,416
Wassup, motherfuckers?
This is motherfucking Andre Allen!
742
00:33:19,666 --> 00:33:24,129
And when I listen to satellite radio,
or scratch my nuts, that is,
743
00:33:24,922 --> 00:33:28,759
I listen to Sirius motherfucking 101,
744
00:33:29,051 --> 00:33:30,219
biatch!
745
00:33:31,470 --> 00:33:32,554
First take was good.
746
00:33:33,263 --> 00:33:34,932
I was wrong on the stank note.
747
00:33:35,098 --> 00:33:38,560
First take had a lot
of wonderful stuff in there.
748
00:33:43,440 --> 00:33:45,609
I hope you're writing
nice things about me.
749
00:33:45,943 --> 00:33:46,944
Let's go.
750
00:33:54,618 --> 00:33:56,453
- What's up, dawg?
- Hammy!
751
00:33:57,955 --> 00:33:59,957
Hammy, don't get brand new.
752
00:34:00,791 --> 00:34:02,960
Hollywood. Hollywood!
753
00:34:03,293 --> 00:34:05,487
Holly, hey, Holly! Hollywood! Get...
754
00:34:05,587 --> 00:34:08,590
Get your ass over here!
755
00:34:08,966 --> 00:34:11,301
Look at who's... Look who's slummin'!
756
00:34:12,052 --> 00:34:14,121
Come here. Come here, boy!
757
00:34:14,221 --> 00:34:16,640
Hollywood! Hollywood!
758
00:34:16,807 --> 00:34:21,311
Roll out the red carpet. There it is.
Hollywood, come on, boy.
759
00:34:21,436 --> 00:34:24,006
What you... I thought you'd be in L.A.,
760
00:34:24,106 --> 00:34:25,816
you know, getting ready
for that big wedding.
761
00:34:25,941 --> 00:34:27,609
I see commercials for it all the time.
762
00:34:27,818 --> 00:34:31,054
Yeah, yeah, I'm in town
just doing some press for this movie.
763
00:34:31,154 --> 00:34:32,322
I leave tonight.
764
00:34:33,323 --> 00:34:34,933
Chelsea here is doing a story on me.
765
00:34:35,033 --> 00:34:36,201
Hello.
766
00:34:36,994 --> 00:34:38,312
So I see.
767
00:34:38,412 --> 00:34:40,022
That's why you bring your ass
around here.
768
00:34:40,122 --> 00:34:42,040
What, you telling her
how bad you had it?
769
00:34:42,207 --> 00:34:43,542
Is that what it is?
770
00:34:43,834 --> 00:34:46,879
Come on, man.
You're coming to the party, right?
771
00:34:47,671 --> 00:34:49,548
Some people got to work.
772
00:34:49,756 --> 00:34:52,134
I'll tell you what.
I'll come to your next bachelor party.
773
00:34:55,345 --> 00:34:57,347
- It's not funny, man.
- Hey, tell me something.
774
00:34:57,514 --> 00:34:58,582
Your next wife,
775
00:34:58,682 --> 00:35:01,143
is she going to be white
or she gonna be Asian?
776
00:35:02,978 --> 00:35:04,521
Still not funny, man.
777
00:35:04,688 --> 00:35:07,733
It's only funny
when you say mean shit, right?
778
00:35:09,651 --> 00:35:10,803
- You know what?
- What?
779
00:35:10,903 --> 00:35:13,989
Imma get out of here.
I'll catch you later, okay?
780
00:35:14,406 --> 00:35:16,575
Hey, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
781
00:35:16,867 --> 00:35:19,745
Come here, come here. Come here.
782
00:35:20,037 --> 00:35:22,981
Look, can you break me off
a little something?
783
00:35:23,081 --> 00:35:24,274
I...
784
00:35:24,374 --> 00:35:27,044
I haven't got my check...
Haven't cashed it yet.
785
00:35:33,926 --> 00:35:34,927
Here.
786
00:35:35,802 --> 00:35:36,887
Really?
787
00:35:37,179 --> 00:35:38,222
Thanks.
788
00:35:38,388 --> 00:35:39,415
I'll put it on your tab, okay?
789
00:35:39,515 --> 00:35:41,291
Thanks, Hollywood.
790
00:35:41,391 --> 00:35:43,602
Thank you, Hollywood!
791
00:35:43,894 --> 00:35:45,312
Hey, nice meeting you.
792
00:35:45,521 --> 00:35:48,232
Hey, don't you believe
a thing he says, okay?
793
00:35:49,608 --> 00:35:51,276
Hollywood! Damn!
794
00:35:51,401 --> 00:35:52,569
Who was that?
795
00:35:53,237 --> 00:35:54,805
My father.
796
00:35:54,905 --> 00:35:56,949
- Hammy!
- Yo, Hammy!
797
00:35:57,574 --> 00:35:59,785
You don't even know what celibacy mean!
798
00:36:00,410 --> 00:36:03,413
Oh, my gosh! Hi! Andre!
799
00:36:03,664 --> 00:36:05,190
Yo! Look what the cat dragged in!
800
00:36:05,290 --> 00:36:06,275
Yes!
801
00:36:06,375 --> 00:36:08,777
- Akil, give your uncle a hug.
- Hey, man, what's up?
802
00:36:08,877 --> 00:36:10,904
Shit, hide the liquor. God damn it!
803
00:36:11,004 --> 00:36:12,239
Hide the liquor?
804
00:36:12,339 --> 00:36:13,924
Look who's talking. Hide the crack.
805
00:36:17,177 --> 00:36:19,413
Yo, homeboy,
well, that wasn't necessary, man.
806
00:36:19,513 --> 00:36:20,664
That was the '80s.
807
00:36:20,764 --> 00:36:24,601
Either you was using or you was selling.
Either way, you got swept up in it.
808
00:36:24,768 --> 00:36:27,521
Hey, man, I'm being nice. I didn't
mention that five grand you owe me.
809
00:36:27,688 --> 00:36:31,091
When I get my income tax check,
you're gonna get yours off top, my man.
810
00:36:31,191 --> 00:36:32,968
You know what,
you gotta have a income first
811
00:36:33,068 --> 00:36:34,736
before you get a check.
You can't tax zero.
812
00:36:35,404 --> 00:36:37,072
Is this Come Down On Fred Day?
813
00:36:37,948 --> 00:36:39,658
Yeah, he's allergic to jobs.
814
00:36:40,242 --> 00:36:42,536
He takes job Benadryl. Just take it.
815
00:36:42,661 --> 00:36:45,289
When he feel a job coming on,
he just take a Benadryl.
816
00:36:47,791 --> 00:36:50,319
Hey, everybody, this is Chelsea Brown.
817
00:36:50,419 --> 00:36:53,130
She's doing a story on me
for The New York Times.
818
00:36:53,714 --> 00:36:56,800
Now, she's gonna ask a few of y'all
some questions. Feel free to answer.
819
00:36:57,301 --> 00:36:59,970
But remember, no snitching!
820
00:37:00,596 --> 00:37:01,789
You must be out your mind!
821
00:37:01,889 --> 00:37:03,557
We're gonna tell all his shit.
822
00:37:03,724 --> 00:37:06,643
You want me to be quiet, you gotta
clear the five thousand, my man.
823
00:37:06,852 --> 00:37:08,687
I said five thousand to be nice.
824
00:37:08,896 --> 00:37:12,049
When it come to me, baby girl,
I'm gonna turn over like a apple pie.
825
00:37:12,149 --> 00:37:15,360
You know what, you just ate a apple pie,
you fat motherfucker. Shut up!
826
00:37:19,072 --> 00:37:20,407
Can I say something?
827
00:37:20,657 --> 00:37:22,893
Jealousy will get y'all nowhere!
828
00:37:22,993 --> 00:37:26,146
I watch Erica's show every week.
I can't wait to see the wedding.
829
00:37:26,246 --> 00:37:27,664
When you gonna bring her around here?
830
00:37:27,915 --> 00:37:28,899
Soon.
831
00:37:28,999 --> 00:37:30,275
That's what you said last time.
832
00:37:30,375 --> 00:37:32,503
And you know what,
I'm still waiting on my invitation.
833
00:37:32,794 --> 00:37:35,172
Hey. I'm not in charge
of the guest list. Okay?
834
00:37:35,297 --> 00:37:36,824
I'm just the groom.
I'm not in charge of all this stuff.
835
00:37:36,924 --> 00:37:38,842
Tell the truth. Tell the truth.
That bitch don't like me.
836
00:37:39,176 --> 00:37:40,761
No, she likes you. She asks about you.
837
00:37:40,928 --> 00:37:42,079
She asks about me?
838
00:37:42,179 --> 00:37:43,247
She asks about you all the time.
839
00:37:43,347 --> 00:37:44,348
What does she say?
840
00:37:44,515 --> 00:37:46,083
She say, "How your big friend doing?"
841
00:37:46,183 --> 00:37:47,351
My big...
842
00:37:47,851 --> 00:37:50,854
Is that what that bitch think about me?
I'm big like that? For real?
843
00:37:50,979 --> 00:37:51,964
I'm just saying.
844
00:37:52,064 --> 00:37:54,133
That's that Hollywood shit, Andre!
That's that Hollywood shit!
845
00:37:54,233 --> 00:37:55,609
I'm just playing. I'm just playing.
846
00:37:55,776 --> 00:37:56,927
Why I ain't got my invitation?
847
00:37:57,027 --> 00:37:58,153
Well, 'cause...
848
00:37:58,862 --> 00:38:00,431
'Cause they figure we could,
you know... The hotel...
849
00:38:00,531 --> 00:38:01,807
Andre, you're full of shit right now.
850
00:38:01,907 --> 00:38:03,408
And the airfare.
851
00:38:03,700 --> 00:38:05,310
Everybody's coming to
the bachelor party, right?
852
00:38:05,410 --> 00:38:08,439
I want to, but General Tao over here...
853
00:38:08,539 --> 00:38:12,609
I said no, 'cause he don't know how
to come home and shit, making it rain...
854
00:38:12,709 --> 00:38:14,278
We need our fucking ones.
855
00:38:14,378 --> 00:38:15,696
Put that down and have a fucking seat.
856
00:38:15,796 --> 00:38:18,699
I mean, come on,
there's gonna be a TV crew there.
857
00:38:18,799 --> 00:38:19,992
Erica picked out everything.
858
00:38:20,092 --> 00:38:21,927
They're even giving out gift bags.
859
00:38:22,052 --> 00:38:24,555
Gift bags? Nigga, kill yourself.
860
00:38:25,055 --> 00:38:28,100
What's wrong, man?
What's wrong with a gift bag?
861
00:38:28,225 --> 00:38:29,585
They got lots of cool shit in there.
862
00:38:29,685 --> 00:38:31,061
Nigga and gift bags.
863
00:38:32,396 --> 00:38:34,356
- He's a corny-ass nigga.
- All right.
864
00:38:35,357 --> 00:38:37,693
I got another five grand. What you got?
865
00:38:40,153 --> 00:38:41,864
Can I get one of them gift bags?
866
00:38:43,615 --> 00:38:45,768
Hey, bro-bro, check this out.
867
00:38:45,868 --> 00:38:48,537
I got the new jawn. The 2016 jawn.
868
00:38:48,662 --> 00:38:52,316
It's real light. Matter of fact,
if you take it off, you won't even sweat.
869
00:38:52,416 --> 00:38:54,318
I can take yours off, too,
if you want me to.
870
00:38:54,418 --> 00:38:56,253
Nah, that's okay, but thanks.
871
00:38:56,670 --> 00:39:00,674
Nigga, put your bracelet back on!
I don't want the cops running in here!
872
00:39:00,966 --> 00:39:04,303
Me? I was there first time
he got on stage.
873
00:39:04,845 --> 00:39:07,598
- How was he?
- He sucked.
874
00:39:07,806 --> 00:39:12,436
Nothing about him was funny.
He was like a bag of dead kittens.
875
00:39:12,936 --> 00:39:16,440
Son, when Nas focus,
he better than Jay, man, I'm sorry.
876
00:39:16,607 --> 00:39:17,733
That's some real shit.
877
00:39:17,900 --> 00:39:19,760
'Cause Tupac was headed for the Oscar.
878
00:39:19,860 --> 00:39:21,987
Or Tupac would be
one of our political leaders.
879
00:39:22,446 --> 00:39:26,241
Tupac might be a political leader,
if he was alive.
880
00:39:26,533 --> 00:39:30,229
But then again, Tupac might be
in a Tyler Perry movie right now.
881
00:39:30,329 --> 00:39:31,413
So you don't know.
882
00:39:31,622 --> 00:39:33,665
- You don't know.
- You never know.
883
00:39:33,790 --> 00:39:36,502
He might be... Tupac might be
884
00:39:36,710 --> 00:39:40,380
the bad dark-skinned boyfriend
in a Tyler Perry movie.
885
00:39:40,506 --> 00:39:42,007
I gotta agree
with that shit right there.
886
00:39:42,257 --> 00:39:44,259
I would hope he's a senator.
887
00:39:45,385 --> 00:39:48,347
But he might be kicking Jill Scott
down a flight of stairs.
888
00:39:50,724 --> 00:39:52,893
Yo. Dre. Yo, Dre!
889
00:39:53,060 --> 00:39:54,378
Who was the funniest?
890
00:39:54,478 --> 00:39:57,356
I think I was the funniest.
I'm tight funny. Yeah.
891
00:39:57,648 --> 00:39:59,216
Yeah? You ever do any stand-up?
892
00:39:59,316 --> 00:40:01,610
Nah, nah, I'm like, you know...
893
00:40:01,735 --> 00:40:04,638
I'm not stand-up funny,
I'm just, like, the funny dude.
894
00:40:04,738 --> 00:40:08,200
Like, you know, put me in a scenario,
and I'll go buck wild.
895
00:40:08,492 --> 00:40:10,561
I always been funnier than Dre!
896
00:40:10,661 --> 00:40:12,579
When my ma's water broke, I was funny.
897
00:40:12,704 --> 00:40:15,916
She went into labor, she wasn't crying,
she wasn't screaming.
898
00:40:16,041 --> 00:40:17,209
She was laughing!
899
00:40:17,334 --> 00:40:19,002
The doctor said,
"What's wrong with her?"
900
00:40:19,253 --> 00:40:20,712
She said, "I'm having Fred."
901
00:40:21,171 --> 00:40:23,073
I'm just saying... I'm just saying,
902
00:40:23,173 --> 00:40:24,950
if it don't work out
with me and this nigga,
903
00:40:25,050 --> 00:40:26,410
I'm gonna get me a white man.
904
00:40:26,510 --> 00:40:28,579
Do you ever think about
how different your life would be
905
00:40:28,679 --> 00:40:29,747
had you stayed together?
906
00:40:29,847 --> 00:40:31,849
It just didn't work out.
907
00:40:32,766 --> 00:40:34,268
I broke up with him.
908
00:40:35,185 --> 00:40:37,688
Yeah. I'm happy where I'm at.
909
00:40:38,856 --> 00:40:40,774
But you must think about it sometimes.
910
00:40:42,359 --> 00:40:44,194
Every fucking day.
911
00:40:44,653 --> 00:40:46,029
I mean, girl,
912
00:40:46,321 --> 00:40:48,991
I used to get mad at him
for playing PlayStation.
913
00:40:49,616 --> 00:40:51,268
What kind of shit was that?
914
00:40:51,368 --> 00:40:53,412
If I'd have known
how successful he was gonna be,
915
00:40:53,579 --> 00:40:55,581
I woulda built him my own PlayStation.
916
00:40:55,789 --> 00:40:57,107
Dre ain't funny.
You know who's funnier than Dre?
917
00:40:57,207 --> 00:40:58,876
Nick Cannon.
That motherfucker hilarious.
918
00:40:59,168 --> 00:41:01,003
Put your top five...
Who's your top five?
919
00:41:01,253 --> 00:41:07,593
Slick Rick, Kane, Rakim,
KRS-One, and Biggie is my fifth man.
920
00:41:08,051 --> 00:41:10,888
And Jay Z is my sixth man.
921
00:41:11,054 --> 00:41:12,247
Would you write any jokes for him?
922
00:41:12,347 --> 00:41:15,058
Yeah, I would, I would,
but, see, everything up here with mine.
923
00:41:15,225 --> 00:41:19,396
My top five is Jay, Nas, Scarface...
924
00:41:19,605 --> 00:41:20,714
Okay, okay.
925
00:41:20,814 --> 00:41:24,151
Scarface, 'cause everybody
got their shit from Scarface.
926
00:41:25,485 --> 00:41:27,154
- Rakim.
- Rakim.
927
00:41:27,279 --> 00:41:31,200
Rakim, and then
I might let Biggie get in there.
928
00:41:31,366 --> 00:41:33,368
Once his mother died, man,
it changed a lot.
929
00:41:33,577 --> 00:41:36,538
He ain't even wanna be funny anymore.
He was like... He was a different Dre.
930
00:41:36,747 --> 00:41:38,749
My top five. Ice-T...
931
00:41:39,082 --> 00:41:41,668
- Ice-T?
- Ice motherfucking T!
932
00:41:42,669 --> 00:41:45,155
Six in the mornin' police at my door
933
00:41:45,255 --> 00:41:47,925
Fresh Adidas squeak
across the bathroom floor
934
00:41:48,050 --> 00:41:50,411
We started drinking young, man,
we was like 12 years old.
935
00:41:50,511 --> 00:41:53,122
We used to get O.E. cans,
and cut 'em out
936
00:41:53,222 --> 00:41:54,431
and make gold teeth out of 'em.
937
00:41:54,723 --> 00:41:56,433
My sixth man's LL Cool J.
938
00:41:58,185 --> 00:42:01,188
Before the show! Before the show!
939
00:42:02,689 --> 00:42:05,884
He was funnier drunk.
Everybody's funnier drunk.
940
00:42:05,984 --> 00:42:08,153
You ever see Oprah drunk?
She's hysterical.
941
00:42:08,362 --> 00:42:09,805
Once he stopped drinking,
942
00:42:09,905 --> 00:42:12,433
once the nigga stopped getting oddy
with the 40s,
943
00:42:12,533 --> 00:42:14,685
something was gone, like, 95% was gone.
944
00:42:14,785 --> 00:42:15,994
This nigga was bugged out.
945
00:42:16,203 --> 00:42:17,521
You think he funny now?
946
00:42:17,621 --> 00:42:19,414
You should've seen him
in the pissy staircases.
947
00:42:19,623 --> 00:42:21,083
This nigga was hilarious.
948
00:42:21,416 --> 00:42:23,152
Dre, if I get married, man,
949
00:42:23,252 --> 00:42:25,529
I'm gonna do the Suge Knight speech
at my wedding.
950
00:42:25,629 --> 00:42:28,991
"If y'all don't want the preacher
all up in the wedding,
951
00:42:29,091 --> 00:42:32,636
"the ring boy all up in the wedding,
come to Death Row!"
952
00:42:33,220 --> 00:42:34,888
Good morning, Buffalo!
953
00:42:35,389 --> 00:42:37,057
Wassup, San Antonio!
954
00:42:37,182 --> 00:42:38,934
This is not another Hammy movie.
955
00:42:39,142 --> 00:42:41,478
And it's about the Haitian revolution.
956
00:42:41,645 --> 00:42:44,314
The greatest slave rebellion
of all time.
957
00:42:45,065 --> 00:42:46,733
Slave rebellion.
958
00:42:47,401 --> 00:42:48,819
It's when slaves rebel.
959
00:42:49,152 --> 00:42:51,154
Taraji P. Henson,
960
00:42:52,406 --> 00:42:54,725
Gabby Sidibe,
961
00:42:54,825 --> 00:42:56,368
Anthony Anderson.
962
00:42:57,578 --> 00:43:00,747
I play a guy named Dutty Boukman.
963
00:43:03,834 --> 00:43:04,835
Yeah.
964
00:43:05,419 --> 00:43:07,946
Well, I've been... I read up on him,
965
00:43:08,046 --> 00:43:10,883
and I've been wanting to do this movie
for a long time.
966
00:43:12,718 --> 00:43:15,220
Yeah, I just found
the story fascinating.
967
00:43:18,599 --> 00:43:21,376
Yeah, well, this is the kind of stuff
I'm trying to get into now,
968
00:43:21,476 --> 00:43:22,811
more serious stuff.
969
00:43:25,689 --> 00:43:29,359
Yes, it's fun for the whole family.
It's educational.
970
00:43:29,776 --> 00:43:31,028
Watch this dunk.
971
00:43:31,195 --> 00:43:32,429
He splits the defenders...
972
00:43:32,529 --> 00:43:33,514
And jams it home!
973
00:43:33,614 --> 00:43:36,617
Yeah, yeah.
It's about the Haitian revolution.
974
00:43:37,117 --> 00:43:38,619
Yeah, the Haitian revolution
975
00:43:38,785 --> 00:43:42,331
was the largest slave uprising
in the Western Hemisphere.
976
00:43:42,497 --> 00:43:44,733
Andre, I know
this party's gonna be crazy,
977
00:43:44,833 --> 00:43:47,611
so if we don't get to talk to each other,
make sure you call me back.
978
00:43:47,711 --> 00:43:48,654
I'll call you.
979
00:43:48,754 --> 00:43:50,380
All right, now,
if my husband answers the phone,
980
00:43:50,589 --> 00:43:53,033
don't hang up,
'cause he knows what time it is.
981
00:43:53,133 --> 00:43:54,968
Now come here, give me a hug.
982
00:43:56,553 --> 00:43:59,456
Hey, Dre, stay black, nigga!
Keep it one hundred!
983
00:43:59,556 --> 00:44:02,893
You heard?
Don't forget where you came from, son!
984
00:44:09,149 --> 00:44:12,694
You got that "I'm texting my boyfriend"
look on your face.
985
00:44:13,278 --> 00:44:14,613
What's his name?
986
00:44:16,031 --> 00:44:17,199
Brad.
987
00:44:17,866 --> 00:44:19,868
So what's he do, Brad?
988
00:44:20,160 --> 00:44:23,330
He's a D.J. He spins at Greenhouse
on Monday nights.
989
00:44:23,580 --> 00:44:25,165
So, how old's he turning again?
990
00:44:25,332 --> 00:44:26,834
- Thirty.
- Thirty.
991
00:44:27,209 --> 00:44:29,211
Hey, man, 30's that birthday.
992
00:44:29,545 --> 00:44:31,864
I remember when I turned 30.
30's scary.
993
00:44:31,964 --> 00:44:33,657
You know,
30's that age where you realize,
994
00:44:33,757 --> 00:44:35,759
"I gotta get my shit together.
995
00:44:36,051 --> 00:44:38,428
"I could actually become homeless."
996
00:44:38,762 --> 00:44:41,640
I mean, not Will-Smith-
Pursuit-of-Happyness homeless.
997
00:44:42,516 --> 00:44:44,977
I mean, like blow-job-
in-the-bus-station homeless.
998
00:44:45,227 --> 00:44:46,211
So, that's what you think?
999
00:44:46,311 --> 00:44:49,339
He's deep in thought right now
about not being homeless?
1000
00:44:49,439 --> 00:44:50,674
If he's smart.
1001
00:44:50,774 --> 00:44:52,676
If he's not,
he won't think about it till he's 40.
1002
00:44:52,776 --> 00:44:53,819
Then it'll be too late.
1003
00:44:55,612 --> 00:44:57,030
- You okay?
- Is everybody okay?
1004
00:44:57,364 --> 00:44:58,365
My apologies.
1005
00:44:58,490 --> 00:44:59,741
Out! Let's get out.
1006
00:44:59,908 --> 00:45:01,368
- Let's get out of here.
- Gotta go.
1007
00:45:01,952 --> 00:45:03,495
What the hell? We can't just leave.
1008
00:45:03,871 --> 00:45:06,373
- Let's go, go, go.
- What are you doing?
1009
00:45:07,207 --> 00:45:08,859
- Let's go!
- Come on.
1010
00:45:08,959 --> 00:45:10,778
So, what, you're just leaving
the scene of an accident now?
1011
00:45:10,878 --> 00:45:13,547
I didn't have an accident.
My driver had an accident.
1012
00:45:13,672 --> 00:45:17,301
But if the person that hits us finds out
I was in the car, then they will sue me.
1013
00:45:17,551 --> 00:45:19,303
He's right in front of me.
1014
00:45:19,636 --> 00:45:21,972
- Not now... Not now, ma'am.
- I hope your dick falls off!
1015
00:45:22,097 --> 00:45:24,124
Where's Ralph at?
Get him over here right now.
1016
00:45:24,224 --> 00:45:26,210
You know,
if he wasn't clearing a path for you,
1017
00:45:26,310 --> 00:45:27,644
I'm sure she wouldn't
even have noticed you.
1018
00:45:27,811 --> 00:45:29,021
Is he always so bodyguardy?
1019
00:45:29,229 --> 00:45:30,564
"Bodyguardy"? That's a word?
1020
00:45:30,689 --> 00:45:31,899
You know what I mean.
1021
00:45:32,107 --> 00:45:35,736
Jay-Z is seen walking around
by himself all the time.
1022
00:45:35,903 --> 00:45:37,888
Yeah,
but Jay-Z's got a fucking gun, okay.
1023
00:45:37,988 --> 00:45:39,406
That's Silk. That's my boy.
1024
00:45:39,907 --> 00:45:42,868
We've been together for, you know,
since third grade. He's seen a lot.
1025
00:45:45,412 --> 00:45:46,747
You think it's a game?
1026
00:45:46,872 --> 00:45:49,374
I'll kill you, motherfucker!
You think it's a game?
1027
00:45:52,419 --> 00:45:54,571
I'm not talking about firing him.
1028
00:45:54,671 --> 00:45:56,423
I'm just saying, this is New York,
1029
00:45:56,632 --> 00:45:58,700
and only people who wanna get paparazzi
1030
00:45:58,800 --> 00:46:00,244
roll with their bodyguard all the time.
1031
00:46:00,344 --> 00:46:02,162
But if you're too scared
to talk to me one-on-one
1032
00:46:02,262 --> 00:46:04,665
without your bodyguard,
your little security blanket,
1033
00:46:04,765 --> 00:46:06,141
I completely understand.
1034
00:46:06,433 --> 00:46:07,601
Hold on a second.
1035
00:46:07,851 --> 00:46:10,254
Okay, I got a new car coming.
It's gonna be about an hour, though.
1036
00:46:10,354 --> 00:46:12,214
We should hop on a cab
and head back over to XM,
1037
00:46:12,314 --> 00:46:13,982
and finish up all our
West Coast satellite stuff.
1038
00:46:14,441 --> 00:46:15,609
You know what?
1039
00:46:15,943 --> 00:46:17,219
I'm good.
1040
00:46:17,319 --> 00:46:19,012
Just meet me over at the junket,
all right?
1041
00:46:19,112 --> 00:46:20,197
What do you mean you're good?
1042
00:46:20,322 --> 00:46:21,657
Hey, Brad. It's me...
1043
00:46:21,907 --> 00:46:23,183
I'm gonna walk.
1044
00:46:23,283 --> 00:46:24,451
Outside?
1045
00:46:25,035 --> 00:46:26,036
Yeah.
1046
00:46:26,787 --> 00:46:29,690
It's a rough neighborhood,
you're gonna walk around by yourself?
1047
00:46:29,790 --> 00:46:31,275
You got an interview in 20 minutes.
1048
00:46:31,375 --> 00:46:34,211
Hey, man, I'm good.
Just text me the information, okay?
1049
00:46:35,295 --> 00:46:37,631
- You sure?
- Yeah, I'm sure. I'm good.
1050
00:46:37,965 --> 00:46:40,968
It's supposed to rain.
I got an umbrella right here.
1051
00:46:41,218 --> 00:46:42,369
I'm all right, man.
1052
00:46:42,469 --> 00:46:43,537
Silk, don't act like you don't know me.
1053
00:46:43,637 --> 00:46:45,472
- If you need me, text me!
- I'll text you!
1054
00:46:45,681 --> 00:46:47,599
- What's up?
- It's Angie.
1055
00:46:48,058 --> 00:46:49,726
He's scared I'm gonna need him.
1056
00:46:50,686 --> 00:46:53,856
No. He's scared
you're not going to need him.
1057
00:46:54,189 --> 00:46:56,133
It's staring you
right in the face, all right.
1058
00:46:56,233 --> 00:46:59,403
Every Planet of the Apes movie
is about race. Every one.
1059
00:46:59,820 --> 00:47:01,805
Okay, I'm assuming you're talking
about the trilogy
1060
00:47:01,905 --> 00:47:06,702
that starts off with Charlton Heston
frolicking naked with a black astronaut.
1061
00:47:06,952 --> 00:47:09,413
That typical sci-fi movie
that's about the future
1062
00:47:09,538 --> 00:47:11,940
and about how the human race
is out of control.
1063
00:47:12,040 --> 00:47:13,567
Yeah, it's about race,
but the human race.
1064
00:47:13,667 --> 00:47:16,779
No, no, no. It's about
the white man's fear of a black planet.
1065
00:47:16,879 --> 00:47:18,363
The darker apes
are bigger and stronger.
1066
00:47:18,463 --> 00:47:21,075
The lighter apes are smarter.
That's racist bullshit.
1067
00:47:21,175 --> 00:47:23,494
Do you realize
that the original Planet of the Apes
1068
00:47:23,594 --> 00:47:26,038
came out on April 3, 1968?
1069
00:47:26,138 --> 00:47:28,473
Now, we both know
what happened the next day.
1070
00:47:28,640 --> 00:47:29,975
Martin Luther King was killed.
1071
00:47:42,279 --> 00:47:44,114
Why don't you just jump in?
1072
00:47:44,531 --> 00:47:48,143
You're telling me that James Earl Ray
saw Planet of the Apes
1073
00:47:48,243 --> 00:47:49,770
and decided to shoot
Martin Luther King?
1074
00:47:49,870 --> 00:47:50,938
Perhaps.
1075
00:47:51,038 --> 00:47:53,190
It wasn't the fact
that he was organizing
1076
00:47:53,290 --> 00:47:54,817
the Poor People's March
on Washington...
1077
00:47:54,917 --> 00:47:56,402
- That, too.
- ...or criticizing
1078
00:47:56,502 --> 00:47:58,112
the war or our foreign policy.
1079
00:47:58,212 --> 00:48:01,298
What got him shot was talking apes!
1080
00:48:01,632 --> 00:48:03,283
Go, Hammy! Go, Hammy!
1081
00:48:03,383 --> 00:48:04,718
Go in!
1082
00:48:07,304 --> 00:48:08,472
Jump in already!
1083
00:48:08,722 --> 00:48:10,791
What I'm saying is,
it's not a coincidence
1084
00:48:10,891 --> 00:48:14,378
that a movie about niggas taking over
the world comes out the day before
1085
00:48:14,478 --> 00:48:18,006
the most powerful black man on earth
is assassinated.
1086
00:48:18,106 --> 00:48:19,591
It's not a coincidence. It's not.
1087
00:48:19,691 --> 00:48:21,677
You actually believe that.
1088
00:48:21,777 --> 00:48:24,221
Okay, you know what?
I will give it to you.
1089
00:48:24,321 --> 00:48:25,639
There are some subliminal messages
in that movie.
1090
00:48:25,739 --> 00:48:26,765
Yes, there are.
1091
00:48:26,865 --> 00:48:29,560
But you know what? It's just a movie.
1092
00:48:29,660 --> 00:48:31,395
It's never... It's never just a movie.
1093
00:48:31,495 --> 00:48:32,646
Yes, sometimes it's just a movie.
1094
00:48:32,746 --> 00:48:34,706
It's never just a song!
It's never just a book.
1095
00:48:35,082 --> 00:48:36,917
I don't care what Michelle Obama says.
1096
00:48:37,417 --> 00:48:38,961
I'm like, fry or die.
1097
00:48:40,170 --> 00:48:41,238
Give me some fries.
1098
00:48:41,338 --> 00:48:42,489
I thought you didn't want none.
1099
00:48:42,589 --> 00:48:44,091
Fry or die.
1100
00:48:48,512 --> 00:48:51,181
Now, do you always keep
hot sauce in your bag?
1101
00:48:51,682 --> 00:48:53,350
Yeah, I like my shit hot.
1102
00:48:53,684 --> 00:48:57,020
In my apartment, I keep a bottle
in every room, like smoke detectors.
1103
00:48:57,396 --> 00:49:00,774
Hammy! Hammy! Hammy! Hammy!
1104
00:49:01,024 --> 00:49:02,526
Jump in already!
1105
00:49:02,734 --> 00:49:04,236
Come on, hurry up!
1106
00:49:05,153 --> 00:49:06,238
Hey!
1107
00:49:10,868 --> 00:49:11,977
Bill Murray?
1108
00:49:12,077 --> 00:49:13,412
Bill Murray's like,
1109
00:49:13,954 --> 00:49:16,273
you know, perhaps top three
1110
00:49:16,373 --> 00:49:18,458
funniest human beings
to ever walk the earth.
1111
00:49:19,042 --> 00:49:21,361
And the guy you most likely
want to hang out with
1112
00:49:21,461 --> 00:49:23,447
and drop his name, like,
"Yeah, I know Bill Murray.
1113
00:49:23,547 --> 00:49:24,865
"I was just talking to Bill Murray
the other day."
1114
00:49:24,965 --> 00:49:27,050
- Charlie Chaplin?
- Charlie Chaplin.
1115
00:49:27,301 --> 00:49:29,970
He started this shit.
He's the KRS-One of comedy.
1116
00:49:31,138 --> 00:49:32,139
The KRS-One.
1117
00:49:32,264 --> 00:49:34,266
He's the Grandmaster Flash of ha-ha.
1118
00:49:34,391 --> 00:49:35,626
I don't think people
actually read Capote.
1119
00:49:35,726 --> 00:49:36,835
That's one of my tests to people.
1120
00:49:36,935 --> 00:49:38,504
I say that and they're like, "Yeah,
1121
00:49:38,604 --> 00:49:41,215
"you know, I really loved
Breakfast at Tiffany's."
1122
00:49:41,315 --> 00:49:43,300
And I'm like, "You haven't read
Truman Capote. Stop."
1123
00:49:43,400 --> 00:49:45,469
Bill Cosby is the greatest storyteller.
1124
00:49:45,569 --> 00:49:46,929
- Richard Pryor?
- Richard Pryor is like
1125
00:49:47,029 --> 00:49:48,263
the most honest human being.
1126
00:49:48,363 --> 00:49:51,141
Even Jesus
didn't tell his followers everything.
1127
00:49:51,241 --> 00:49:52,309
Like Rich...
1128
00:49:52,409 --> 00:49:53,435
Eddie Murphy.
1129
00:49:53,535 --> 00:49:57,981
I once saw Murphy and Michael Jackson
within two months of each other,
1130
00:49:58,081 --> 00:49:59,358
and Eddie was better.
1131
00:49:59,458 --> 00:50:00,859
- Love in the Time of Cholera.
- Yes, yes.
1132
00:50:00,959 --> 00:50:04,213
And he says, "Too much love
is as bad for this as no love at all."
1133
00:50:04,338 --> 00:50:05,506
That kind of broke my heart.
1134
00:50:05,631 --> 00:50:08,300
Yeah, I mean, it's hard to
fuck somebody on a pedestal.
1135
00:50:23,982 --> 00:50:26,009
- Beautiful. Taraji!
- Andre!
1136
00:50:26,109 --> 00:50:27,194
Gabby, over here!
1137
00:50:27,319 --> 00:50:28,887
- This way, Gabby!
- Hammy, this way!
1138
00:50:28,987 --> 00:50:30,489
Andre, over to the right.
1139
00:50:30,614 --> 00:50:32,115
Big smile, Gabby.
1140
00:50:33,867 --> 00:50:35,202
Married.
1141
00:50:38,080 --> 00:50:40,415
You're getting married, huh?
1142
00:50:40,624 --> 00:50:42,125
You couldn't tell me?
1143
00:50:43,126 --> 00:50:44,862
Can I get you two to smile?
1144
00:50:44,962 --> 00:50:46,739
Thank you. Thank you very much.
1145
00:50:46,839 --> 00:50:47,840
Taraji, this way.
1146
00:50:51,885 --> 00:50:56,874
How can you keep your private life
separate from your public life
1147
00:50:56,974 --> 00:50:59,251
when you're going through
something this weekend
1148
00:50:59,351 --> 00:51:00,519
which combines the two?
1149
00:51:00,644 --> 00:51:05,190
Your upcoming marriage
is getting more press than this movie.
1150
00:51:05,566 --> 00:51:07,593
I mean, I'm watching,
like, television...
1151
00:51:07,693 --> 00:51:10,053
Everybody's talking about that.
Nobody's talking about this.
1152
00:51:10,153 --> 00:51:11,388
Can we talk about the movie?
1153
00:51:11,488 --> 00:51:13,490
What kind of ratings
do you think you're gonna get?
1154
00:51:13,949 --> 00:51:15,017
I was hoping for a little more comedy.
1155
00:51:15,117 --> 00:51:16,994
Okay, you got two minutes, everybody.
Two minutes.
1156
00:51:17,286 --> 00:51:18,645
Do you think they only wanna see you...
1157
00:51:18,745 --> 00:51:21,273
You maybe stereotyped yourself
and, you know,
1158
00:51:21,373 --> 00:51:23,166
that people don't wanna accept you
in a serious role?
1159
00:51:23,375 --> 00:51:24,710
We want to see you funny.
1160
00:51:25,335 --> 00:51:28,197
I already told you.
I ain't got time for your bullshit, Silk.
1161
00:51:28,297 --> 00:51:29,423
I'm seeing somebody.
1162
00:51:29,840 --> 00:51:31,925
Hey, no problem. Come on.
1163
00:51:32,759 --> 00:51:34,511
If you don't get the fuck out my face...
1164
00:51:37,723 --> 00:51:39,016
How do you think it went?
1165
00:51:40,100 --> 00:51:42,853
The press was all over the place.
I'm just glad they showed up.
1166
00:51:42,978 --> 00:51:45,756
I mean, honestly,
the most important thing right now
1167
00:51:45,856 --> 00:51:47,508
is that people come out
and see the movie.
1168
00:51:47,608 --> 00:51:48,926
You mean,
the most important thing isn't
1169
00:51:49,026 --> 00:51:50,469
the "Wedding Spectacular Spectacular"?
1170
00:51:50,569 --> 00:51:51,904
I did not say that.
1171
00:51:52,487 --> 00:51:53,847
Okay, so you don't wanna be funny.
1172
00:51:53,947 --> 00:51:55,182
Excuse me.
1173
00:51:55,282 --> 00:51:56,950
So, you don't wanna make
funny movies anymore.
1174
00:51:58,118 --> 00:52:00,687
And they don't want to take
your "serious" seriously.
1175
00:52:00,787 --> 00:52:01,788
I'm sorry.
1176
00:52:02,122 --> 00:52:05,375
So why not embrace
the wedding spectacle?
1177
00:52:06,043 --> 00:52:09,505
I'm a guy, come on.
I didn't grow up dreaming of a wedding.
1178
00:52:09,713 --> 00:52:12,491
There's no Grooms magazine.
They don't have a groomal registry.
1179
00:52:12,591 --> 00:52:14,368
Weddings aren't for guys.
1180
00:52:14,468 --> 00:52:16,929
I'm not talking about guys.
I'm talking about you.
1181
00:52:17,054 --> 00:52:18,889
Why don't you embrace it?
1182
00:52:19,056 --> 00:52:21,183
If you hate it so much,
why are you even doing it?
1183
00:52:22,684 --> 00:52:24,603
Erica helped me get clean.
1184
00:52:30,067 --> 00:52:31,693
I don't have time for this, Dre.
1185
00:52:32,903 --> 00:52:34,696
I'm not gonna be your audience.
1186
00:52:37,199 --> 00:52:38,575
"I'm not gonna be your audience"?
1187
00:52:38,909 --> 00:52:40,786
Audience to my bullshit.
1188
00:52:42,412 --> 00:52:44,164
If you don't have an audience,
it's hard to put on a show.
1189
00:52:46,291 --> 00:52:47,459
Brad?
1190
00:52:47,626 --> 00:52:49,920
Hey.
1191
00:52:50,379 --> 00:52:52,756
- Happy birthday. Oh, my God.
- Thank you.
1192
00:52:54,091 --> 00:52:56,076
How are you? I tried calling you all day.
I was so worried.
1193
00:52:56,176 --> 00:52:58,954
Yeah, yeah... No, I'm fine, I'm fine.
I was just in meetings.
1194
00:52:59,054 --> 00:53:00,430
Hey, Andre Allen!
1195
00:53:00,722 --> 00:53:02,182
Hey! White Brad!
1196
00:53:02,432 --> 00:53:03,433
Happy birthday.
1197
00:53:03,559 --> 00:53:05,769
Thank you, man.
I cannot wait to see the movie.
1198
00:53:06,061 --> 00:53:08,355
I'm so glad somebody's
finally telling Boukman's story.
1199
00:53:08,480 --> 00:53:10,482
I mean, no one talks about
the Maroon slaves.
1200
00:53:10,607 --> 00:53:12,192
I know, they're so overlooked.
1201
00:53:12,484 --> 00:53:13,819
- It's crazy.
- It's crazy.
1202
00:53:14,152 --> 00:53:17,155
Okay, so what have you
been doing all day?
1203
00:53:17,281 --> 00:53:19,783
Well, it's my birthday.
You know, I've been treating myself.
1204
00:53:20,534 --> 00:53:23,312
Went uptown, did a little shopping,
didn't find anything.
1205
00:53:23,412 --> 00:53:24,788
What are you doing here?
1206
00:53:25,497 --> 00:53:26,940
I just was, like, going to check out
1207
00:53:27,040 --> 00:53:29,068
the gift shop. 'Cause you never know...
1208
00:53:29,168 --> 00:53:30,169
Is that Ryan?
1209
00:53:31,170 --> 00:53:32,504
Yeah, Ryan's here.
1210
00:53:32,880 --> 00:53:33,864
Hey, Ryan!
1211
00:53:33,964 --> 00:53:36,158
Ryan, look who I ran into.
1212
00:53:36,258 --> 00:53:38,302
Hey, Chelsea. How's it going, guys?
1213
00:53:39,803 --> 00:53:41,597
I'm also here because Ryan,
1214
00:53:42,222 --> 00:53:44,208
was just showing me the lounge here
1215
00:53:44,308 --> 00:53:46,018
because he knows
the manager of the hotel
1216
00:53:46,143 --> 00:53:48,604
and he's thinking maybe
I could be spinning here soon, so...
1217
00:53:49,146 --> 00:53:50,981
And that's why you couldn't contact me?
1218
00:53:51,523 --> 00:53:55,819
My phone is, like, going nuts lately.
1219
00:53:55,986 --> 00:53:58,238
I don't know what's going on.
I'm changing plans.
1220
00:53:59,990 --> 00:54:02,117
Is he wearing the shirt
that I bought you?
1221
00:54:02,951 --> 00:54:04,953
I have to go.
1222
00:54:07,206 --> 00:54:08,357
Look, I was gonna call you, okay?
1223
00:54:08,457 --> 00:54:10,792
How much longer are you guys
gonna be doing this thing?
1224
00:54:12,294 --> 00:54:14,129
I think you should go after him.
1225
00:54:38,987 --> 00:54:40,697
Look, it's Hammy!
1226
00:54:47,871 --> 00:54:49,498
Hey! Hey, hey, hey!
1227
00:54:50,040 --> 00:54:51,458
Hey, you okay?
1228
00:54:52,709 --> 00:54:54,211
Yeah. No.
1229
00:54:54,753 --> 00:54:55,879
I'm...
1230
00:54:56,338 --> 00:54:58,757
I'm going to call my sponsor, okay?
I'm sorry.
1231
00:54:59,508 --> 00:55:01,285
Just because he had a room key
1232
00:55:01,385 --> 00:55:03,620
and was wearing a shirt
you bought Brad,
1233
00:55:03,720 --> 00:55:05,581
that doesn't mean anything.
1234
00:55:05,681 --> 00:55:09,184
I mean, guys trade clothes
in hotel rooms all the time.
1235
00:55:09,560 --> 00:55:11,395
Maybe it was chilly,
you know what I mean?
1236
00:55:11,562 --> 00:55:14,231
Maybe they called up each other...
"Hey, man, I'm freezing."
1237
00:55:14,648 --> 00:55:15,632
"Me, too.
1238
00:55:15,732 --> 00:55:19,152
"Why don't you meet me at a hotel
so we can switch clothes?"
1239
00:55:19,653 --> 00:55:23,949
Kelly? Can I... I need to talk to you.
Please. Thank you.
1240
00:55:25,909 --> 00:55:27,077
Great.
1241
00:55:27,244 --> 00:55:30,455
I can say I've dated every race,
and now I've dated gay.
1242
00:55:31,123 --> 00:55:32,249
Asian?
1243
00:55:32,583 --> 00:55:33,917
Yes, Asian.
1244
00:55:34,877 --> 00:55:36,837
Karate Asian or nerdy Asian?
1245
00:55:37,129 --> 00:55:39,590
Asian-Asian.
You know, there's a billion Chinese.
1246
00:55:39,715 --> 00:55:42,926
I think it's proven that their dicks work.
Yeah.
1247
00:55:43,468 --> 00:55:45,721
I've dated married.
I've had a girlfriend.
1248
00:55:46,305 --> 00:55:47,639
Two girlfriends.
1249
00:55:47,806 --> 00:55:52,186
Okay, so you can go all k.d. lang,
but if he's with one guy, he's gay.
1250
00:55:52,394 --> 00:55:53,921
Whatever, I don't make up the rules.
Who cares?
1251
00:55:54,021 --> 00:55:55,898
It's not about that.
That's not the point.
1252
00:55:56,106 --> 00:55:58,817
You know, stuff like this
doesn't come out of the blue.
1253
00:55:59,568 --> 00:56:01,737
There must have been some sort of sign.
1254
00:56:02,446 --> 00:56:03,614
I'm not gonna tell you.
1255
00:56:03,780 --> 00:56:05,616
- Come on, tell me something.
- I'm not telling you.
1256
00:56:06,158 --> 00:56:08,994
Come on, Teen Mom. Let it out.
1257
00:56:13,624 --> 00:56:15,626
Okay, so we had a normal sex life.
1258
00:56:21,131 --> 00:56:23,467
Then one day, out of the blue...
1259
00:56:23,926 --> 00:56:25,244
Put a finger in my ass.
1260
00:56:25,344 --> 00:56:26,578
You know, I'd never done that before.
1261
00:56:26,678 --> 00:56:28,831
I didn't want to do it.
Like, this was not my thing,
1262
00:56:28,931 --> 00:56:30,249
and luckily, no one
had ever asked me before,
1263
00:56:30,349 --> 00:56:31,475
so it never really came up.
1264
00:56:32,142 --> 00:56:33,435
But he asked me.
1265
00:56:33,810 --> 00:56:36,104
And then my grandmamma
popped into my brain.
1266
00:56:36,647 --> 00:56:38,982
Whatever he wants you to do
1267
00:56:39,149 --> 00:56:40,317
you better do it.
1268
00:56:40,484 --> 00:56:42,819
Or some other bitch will.
1269
00:56:43,028 --> 00:56:44,363
I like your grandma.
1270
00:56:44,863 --> 00:56:47,741
So I did it and he liked it.
1271
00:56:50,244 --> 00:56:52,162
Oh, yes. That's it.
1272
00:56:52,287 --> 00:56:54,039
- Like that?
- Yeah, yeah.
1273
00:56:54,164 --> 00:56:56,917
In a weird way, I was happy
to be doing something he liked.
1274
00:56:57,084 --> 00:56:59,545
But then he wanted it all the time.
Everywhere.
1275
00:57:00,170 --> 00:57:01,380
On a plane.
1276
00:57:01,505 --> 00:57:03,157
Go another knuck. Knuck it up, girl.
1277
00:57:03,257 --> 00:57:04,675
- Knuck it up.
- Yeah? Yeah?
1278
00:57:08,720 --> 00:57:10,247
At my friend's party.
1279
00:57:10,347 --> 00:57:12,099
Yes, yes, yes!
1280
00:57:12,432 --> 00:57:15,602
What's my motherfuckin' name? Jigga!
1281
00:57:17,020 --> 00:57:18,605
Pretty soon, that's all he wanted.
1282
00:57:18,897 --> 00:57:22,593
So one night, we're at dinner
with Ryan and his "girlfriend."
1283
00:57:22,693 --> 00:57:24,428
So, Chels, you've been
looking for a place, right?
1284
00:57:24,528 --> 00:57:25,596
What's been going on with that?
1285
00:57:25,696 --> 00:57:30,158
Yeah. I'd like to buy a house, you know,
but everything's still so expensive.
1286
00:57:30,367 --> 00:57:32,035
I thought the market was down.
1287
00:57:32,327 --> 00:57:33,662
Babe, are you kidding?
1288
00:57:33,871 --> 00:57:37,374
With your credit, you couldn't get a loan
if Bill Gates cosigned it.
1289
00:57:39,209 --> 00:57:40,460
Good one!
1290
00:57:41,628 --> 00:57:43,964
Hey, Alexa, how's your place
down in Costa Rica doing?
1291
00:57:44,339 --> 00:57:46,466
Wait a second.
You got a place in Costa Rica?
1292
00:57:46,675 --> 00:57:49,453
I felt completely humiliated,
but it was, you know, just let it go.
1293
00:57:49,553 --> 00:57:51,388
It's not a big deal.
You know, you're bigger than that.
1294
00:57:51,680 --> 00:57:52,790
You got a babysitter.
1295
00:57:52,890 --> 00:57:54,558
We can have make-up sex.
It's gonna be fine.
1296
00:58:07,571 --> 00:58:09,056
What? What?
1297
00:58:09,156 --> 00:58:10,657
I have to go to the bathroom.
1298
00:58:10,866 --> 00:58:13,243
Okay. All right, go, go, go. Go.
1299
00:58:23,587 --> 00:58:26,924
I think it's dance night, baby.
You ready?
1300
00:58:29,134 --> 00:58:30,469
You know I am.
1301
00:58:32,262 --> 00:58:33,889
Come give Papa what he needs.
1302
00:58:35,682 --> 00:58:37,851
I looked at his ass,
just stuck up in the air.
1303
00:58:38,101 --> 00:58:40,646
And I thought about what he did.
1304
00:58:41,396 --> 00:58:42,731
Good one!
1305
00:58:47,319 --> 00:58:49,613
If Bill Gates cosigned you.
1306
00:58:49,947 --> 00:58:52,783
I don't know, something just snapped.
1307
00:58:54,451 --> 00:58:57,162
I reached into my purse
and pulled out a tampon.
1308
00:58:57,746 --> 00:58:59,081
Then I pulled out my hot sauce.
1309
00:58:59,456 --> 00:59:00,457
No, no!
1310
00:59:01,625 --> 00:59:02,960
Don't say it!
1311
00:59:03,627 --> 00:59:04,795
And I...
1312
00:59:04,920 --> 00:59:05,963
Don't say it!
1313
00:59:06,088 --> 00:59:07,297
I shoved it up his ass.
1314
00:59:09,925 --> 00:59:11,635
What is that?
1315
00:59:15,264 --> 00:59:16,206
Yup.
1316
00:59:16,306 --> 00:59:18,058
Why? Why?
1317
00:59:18,559 --> 00:59:21,144
Why are you doing this to me?
Take it out of here now!
1318
00:59:21,311 --> 00:59:23,939
Hey, smartass,
I don't hear you laughing now!
1319
00:59:29,945 --> 00:59:31,905
He's such an asshole!
1320
00:59:33,448 --> 00:59:34,700
What are we doing?
1321
00:59:50,924 --> 00:59:54,386
You know, Grace really loves him.
Like, a lot.
1322
00:59:55,554 --> 00:59:57,347
And then he's just gonna be gone.
1323
01:00:00,893 --> 01:00:02,561
What am I supposed to tell her?
1324
01:00:03,145 --> 01:00:04,897
Just tell her the truth.
1325
01:00:05,480 --> 01:00:08,734
I mean, you don't want her to think
she's supposed to stay with some guy
1326
01:00:09,109 --> 01:00:11,069
out of some false sense of obligation.
1327
01:00:11,987 --> 01:00:14,114
She's gonna see her mom fall down
1328
01:00:14,323 --> 01:00:17,034
and then she's gonna see her mom
pick herself back up.
1329
01:00:17,534 --> 01:00:20,204
No, what she's going to see is her mom
1330
01:00:20,329 --> 01:00:24,249
having paraded yet another dude
through the house who's a loser!
1331
01:00:33,675 --> 01:00:36,178
Oh, my God. My favorite.
1332
01:00:36,553 --> 01:00:37,930
My favorite.
1333
01:00:43,268 --> 01:00:44,561
You're right.
1334
01:00:45,521 --> 01:00:48,982
I'm just going to have to
start the process again
1335
01:00:49,107 --> 01:00:50,943
of vetting another dick.
1336
01:00:52,653 --> 01:00:54,947
You're not gonna have a hard time
meeting anybody, come on.
1337
01:00:55,447 --> 01:00:57,641
I mean, you're smart, you're beautiful.
1338
01:00:57,741 --> 01:00:59,643
I'm really not fishing
for compliments right now.
1339
01:00:59,743 --> 01:01:01,286
No, no. I'm serious.
1340
01:01:01,745 --> 01:01:02,996
I am, too.
1341
01:01:03,163 --> 01:01:04,498
You're beautiful.
1342
01:01:05,582 --> 01:01:06,917
You know that, right?
1343
01:01:08,794 --> 01:01:10,462
Can we get out of here?
1344
01:01:17,553 --> 01:01:20,222
What happened after that? What,
you just went to brunch after that?
1345
01:01:20,722 --> 01:01:24,376
Yes, as a matter of fact.
We didn't even talk about it.
1346
01:01:24,476 --> 01:01:27,337
I thought we were breaking up,
but apparently not, you know.
1347
01:01:27,437 --> 01:01:28,922
And that's why
I've been feeling so guilty,
1348
01:01:29,022 --> 01:01:30,257
and texting him and calling him all day
1349
01:01:30,357 --> 01:01:31,800
and trying to figure out
what to do with his birthday.
1350
01:01:31,900 --> 01:01:33,510
Come on,
he's not gonna break up over that.
1351
01:01:33,610 --> 01:01:34,595
Why not?
1352
01:01:34,695 --> 01:01:36,305
'Cause what's
he supposed to tell people?
1353
01:01:36,405 --> 01:01:38,223
"Yeah, we broke up 'cause my girlfriend
1354
01:01:38,323 --> 01:01:40,434
"shoved a red hot chili pepper
up my ass."
1355
01:01:40,534 --> 01:01:41,602
No, no, no.
1356
01:01:41,702 --> 01:01:44,855
He's gonna wait to do something
like cheat on you or hit you.
1357
01:01:44,955 --> 01:01:46,565
You know,
like, a nice respectable break-up.
1358
01:01:46,665 --> 01:01:48,567
- Hit me? Hit me?
- Not...
1359
01:01:48,667 --> 01:01:50,961
Something respectable
like cheat on me or hit me.
1360
01:01:51,336 --> 01:01:53,864
So basically, what you're saying
is that you're taking his side.
1361
01:01:53,964 --> 01:01:55,574
- I'm not taking his side. I mean...
- Awesome.
1362
01:01:55,674 --> 01:01:57,451
- Clearly you are.
- Come on. Come on.
1363
01:01:57,551 --> 01:01:58,619
You're saying it's my fault.
1364
01:01:58,719 --> 01:02:00,537
I can't believe
you didn't see this shit.
1365
01:02:00,637 --> 01:02:02,414
I mean, he was wrong, okay?
He was wrong.
1366
01:02:02,514 --> 01:02:04,641
But he wasn't burning-ass wrong.
1367
01:02:05,017 --> 01:02:07,811
See, that's why
I didn't want to tell you.
1368
01:02:07,978 --> 01:02:10,422
I open up to you and you laugh at me.
1369
01:02:10,522 --> 01:02:12,341
- It's funny.
- It's not funny!
1370
01:02:12,441 --> 01:02:14,176
What's funny about being cheated on?
1371
01:02:14,276 --> 01:02:16,470
Come on. If you think
this is just about cheating,
1372
01:02:16,570 --> 01:02:18,447
then you're very naive.
1373
01:02:19,406 --> 01:02:21,617
Naive? I'm naive?
1374
01:02:22,951 --> 01:02:26,288
Mr. "The network picks out my rings."
1375
01:02:26,496 --> 01:02:29,733
Mr. "I owe somebody a wedding."
1376
01:02:29,833 --> 01:02:30,818
I'm naive?
1377
01:02:30,918 --> 01:02:33,404
Okay, first of all, you don't know me...
1378
01:02:33,504 --> 01:02:34,488
You know "naive" well.
1379
01:02:34,588 --> 01:02:38,909
Miss "I used my boyfriend's ass
as a hand puppet." Yeah, yeah.
1380
01:02:39,009 --> 01:02:42,079
I don't need to know you
to know that something is wrong.
1381
01:02:42,179 --> 01:02:44,014
Why do you even care, okay?
1382
01:02:44,139 --> 01:02:45,807
Why don't you care?
1383
01:02:46,099 --> 01:02:47,851
Can we just talk about my movie?
1384
01:02:48,519 --> 01:02:50,687
Fuck your shitty movie!
1385
01:03:10,457 --> 01:03:11,708
We should stop.
1386
01:03:12,543 --> 01:03:13,544
What the fuck are we doing?
1387
01:03:16,380 --> 01:03:17,714
We gotta get out of here.
1388
01:03:18,131 --> 01:03:19,383
Yes.
1389
01:03:20,342 --> 01:03:22,553
- But first...
- What?
1390
01:03:22,678 --> 01:03:24,680
You gotta get your hands out my pants.
1391
01:03:25,264 --> 01:03:27,291
You gotta get your hands
out of my pants.
1392
01:03:27,391 --> 01:03:29,226
- You first.
- You first.
1393
01:03:30,936 --> 01:03:32,212
Okay, on three.
1394
01:03:32,312 --> 01:03:34,006
Okay. At the same time.
1395
01:03:34,106 --> 01:03:35,466
- Same time.
- Okay.
1396
01:03:35,566 --> 01:03:37,150
Same time, motherfucker.
1397
01:03:37,734 --> 01:03:39,236
One,
1398
01:03:39,486 --> 01:03:40,863
two,
1399
01:03:42,573 --> 01:03:43,699
three.
1400
01:03:48,203 --> 01:03:49,872
Goddamn.
1401
01:03:53,208 --> 01:03:54,334
Okay.
1402
01:03:59,923 --> 01:04:01,800
We should get out of here?
1403
01:04:03,760 --> 01:04:05,996
Yeah, yeah, but you go first.
1404
01:04:06,096 --> 01:04:08,724
We can't get out of here
at the same time.
1405
01:04:10,350 --> 01:04:11,894
Okay, I mean, you know...
1406
01:04:13,061 --> 01:04:15,063
Remember, nothing happened, right?
1407
01:04:15,439 --> 01:04:17,007
Yeah, like, just because we didn't fuck
1408
01:04:17,107 --> 01:04:18,467
it doesn't mean
that we didn't fuck around.
1409
01:04:18,567 --> 01:04:22,863
So you go first and then I'll come out
in a couple seconds. A couple minutes.
1410
01:04:24,114 --> 01:04:26,433
Okay, so I'm going to get out of here.
1411
01:04:26,533 --> 01:04:28,285
- Okay.
- I gotta make a call anyway.
1412
01:04:30,245 --> 01:04:33,415
Shit, my phone's dead.
I gotta call fucking London.
1413
01:04:35,626 --> 01:04:37,002
Here, use mine.
1414
01:04:37,794 --> 01:04:38,795
Okay.
1415
01:04:41,965 --> 01:04:43,300
Code, 1999.
1416
01:04:43,634 --> 01:04:44,843
Thanks.
1417
01:04:49,056 --> 01:04:50,207
Yo, yo, Silk.
1418
01:04:50,307 --> 01:04:51,750
You're Hammy the Bear!
1419
01:04:51,850 --> 01:04:55,187
Yeah, yeah, have him pick me up
at the Coffee Shop.
1420
01:04:55,312 --> 01:04:56,647
Yeah, Union Square.
1421
01:04:57,272 --> 01:04:59,191
Two iced coffees!
1422
01:05:03,987 --> 01:05:05,322
Hammy!
1423
01:05:22,464 --> 01:05:24,466
Hammy, I love you, man!
1424
01:05:45,028 --> 01:05:46,780
What the fuck?
1425
01:05:47,239 --> 01:05:49,575
Chelsea is James Nielson?
1426
01:05:50,033 --> 01:05:53,161
Why, 'cause your boy James Nielson
said he wouldn't watch my next movie
1427
01:05:53,287 --> 01:05:54,663
if it was playing in his glasses?
1428
01:05:55,038 --> 01:05:56,290
James.
1429
01:06:04,173 --> 01:06:05,883
I love you, Andre!
1430
01:06:07,551 --> 01:06:08,677
Andre!
1431
01:06:09,303 --> 01:06:11,388
Oh, my God, it's Andre Allen!
1432
01:06:12,139 --> 01:06:14,057
When are you gonna do
another Hammy movie?
1433
01:06:16,476 --> 01:06:18,228
Your boss is looking for you.
1434
01:06:20,022 --> 01:06:21,315
Okay.
1435
01:06:24,651 --> 01:06:26,904
- Are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
1436
01:06:32,743 --> 01:06:34,536
You're James Nielson.
1437
01:06:35,078 --> 01:06:36,413
Were you going through my phone?
1438
01:06:36,663 --> 01:06:38,832
I went through your phone
looking for naked pictures.
1439
01:06:39,082 --> 01:06:40,250
That's going through my phone.
1440
01:06:40,375 --> 01:06:43,670
That's beside the point.
You're James Nielson.
1441
01:06:45,422 --> 01:06:46,924
It's not what you think.
1442
01:06:47,382 --> 01:06:50,160
You trashed me for years.
1443
01:06:50,260 --> 01:06:53,263
And then you hang around me
like you're my friend?
1444
01:06:53,597 --> 01:06:54,665
I'm sorry.
1445
01:06:54,765 --> 01:06:56,959
I've been wanting to say something
all day, I just didn't know how.
1446
01:06:57,059 --> 01:07:00,712
Shut the fuck up.
Now you're lying on top of your lies.
1447
01:07:00,812 --> 01:07:02,648
- I'm not lying.
- You're lying.
1448
01:07:02,773 --> 01:07:04,925
I remember
in one of your reviews, you go,
1449
01:07:05,025 --> 01:07:06,735
"O.J.'s been brought to justice.
1450
01:07:06,944 --> 01:07:09,279
"Bin Laden's been brought to justice.
1451
01:07:09,446 --> 01:07:12,391
"When will Andre Allen
be brought to justice
1452
01:07:12,491 --> 01:07:15,118
"for his crimes against humanity?"
1453
01:07:16,745 --> 01:07:18,997
My mother read that shit.
1454
01:07:22,334 --> 01:07:23,961
Andre Allen.
1455
01:07:26,296 --> 01:07:27,297
Andre?
1456
01:07:28,006 --> 01:07:29,341
Hammy!
1457
01:07:34,847 --> 01:07:35,931
Andre.
1458
01:07:37,307 --> 01:07:38,542
Okay, maybe I took it too far.
1459
01:07:38,642 --> 01:07:39,810
You think?
1460
01:07:40,477 --> 01:07:41,478
Yeah.
1461
01:07:42,604 --> 01:07:44,606
I was so happy 10 minutes ago.
1462
01:07:44,815 --> 01:07:45,941
Me, too.
1463
01:07:46,441 --> 01:07:48,218
- You told me you were in the program.
- I am.
1464
01:07:48,318 --> 01:07:49,553
You're not in the program.
1465
01:07:49,653 --> 01:07:50,988
I am. That's the truth.
1466
01:07:51,363 --> 01:07:53,015
What do they tell you in the program?
1467
01:07:53,115 --> 01:07:55,517
What do they tell us?
"Rigorous honesty."
1468
01:07:55,617 --> 01:07:56,560
I know.
1469
01:07:56,660 --> 01:07:59,246
- Rigorous fucking honesty.
- I know.
1470
01:08:00,747 --> 01:08:03,292
You wanna know why
I won't make any funny movies?
1471
01:08:03,709 --> 01:08:05,210
'Cause I never did it clean.
1472
01:08:06,962 --> 01:08:10,174
Every time you ever seen me be funny,
I was drunk or high, or both.
1473
01:08:10,382 --> 01:08:13,302
Every time. Every show.
I was fucked up.
1474
01:08:13,802 --> 01:08:15,579
And now people want me to be funny.
1475
01:08:15,679 --> 01:08:17,973
And you know what?
I don't know if I can do it.
1476
01:08:20,017 --> 01:08:21,351
And I'm scared.
1477
01:08:21,852 --> 01:08:24,062
I am scared.
1478
01:08:25,689 --> 01:08:27,024
Rigorous honesty.
1479
01:08:49,630 --> 01:08:52,799
The wedding is tracking like crazy.
There are no more ads to buy.
1480
01:08:53,008 --> 01:08:55,719
You sure you can't talk him
into doing a few more receptions?
1481
01:08:56,678 --> 01:08:58,122
No, I don't think so.
1482
01:08:58,222 --> 01:09:01,250
But I'm pretty sure I can sell him
on more honeymoon stuff.
1483
01:09:01,350 --> 01:09:03,393
Don't worry. I'll get him on board.
1484
01:09:03,936 --> 01:09:05,562
How's the movie tracking?
1485
01:09:09,399 --> 01:09:11,802
- So, what's the line for?
- Boo.
1486
01:09:11,902 --> 01:09:12,970
What's that?
1487
01:09:13,070 --> 01:09:14,638
It's the new Tyler Perry movie.
1488
01:09:14,738 --> 01:09:17,241
It's where Madea
gets trapped in a haunted house.
1489
01:09:17,366 --> 01:09:19,368
- It's doing great.
- Yo, Hammy!
1490
01:09:19,535 --> 01:09:21,078
Good for him. So, how am I doing?
1491
01:09:33,131 --> 01:09:35,217
So how's it playing
on the other screens?
1492
01:09:35,551 --> 01:09:37,636
This is the only screen it's playing on.
1493
01:09:59,950 --> 01:10:01,118
Stop here.
1494
01:11:09,978 --> 01:11:10,979
Yeah.
1495
01:11:19,863 --> 01:11:22,015
Hey, yo, man, you mind if I get
a picture with you real quick, man?
1496
01:11:22,115 --> 01:11:24,226
I'm a big fan of your movies.
I love all of it, man.
1497
01:11:24,326 --> 01:11:26,370
Not right now, man, not right now.
1498
01:11:27,829 --> 01:11:29,873
Come on, let me get
one picture with you.
1499
01:11:34,169 --> 01:11:35,504
Hey, what's that?
1500
01:11:44,429 --> 01:11:45,639
Hey!
1501
01:11:46,890 --> 01:11:48,600
Hammy the fucking beer?
1502
01:11:50,394 --> 01:11:51,436
Fuck you, Hammy!
1503
01:11:52,938 --> 01:11:54,648
Hammy the fucking beer?
1504
01:12:03,574 --> 01:12:04,616
No!
1505
01:12:04,741 --> 01:12:06,243
- I need you to relax.
- Get away from me!
1506
01:12:10,539 --> 01:12:11,623
Come on!
1507
01:12:19,423 --> 01:12:20,591
Hammy!
1508
01:12:21,258 --> 01:12:22,801
Wassup, Ham?
1509
01:12:23,177 --> 01:12:24,469
You saw me, man. You heard me.
1510
01:12:24,720 --> 01:12:27,097
Hammy!
1511
01:12:27,222 --> 01:12:30,392
...when he flew into a wild rage
at a grocery store in Manhattan.
1512
01:12:31,602 --> 01:12:33,520
Out, please. Thank you.
1513
01:12:34,938 --> 01:12:38,108
Can we clear the room, please?
Quickly, thank you.
1514
01:12:38,358 --> 01:12:40,194
- Thank you.
- All right, let's go.
1515
01:12:44,740 --> 01:12:45,824
Dre?
1516
01:12:46,783 --> 01:12:48,452
Hey, hey.
1517
01:12:49,119 --> 01:12:51,622
I cannot believe you did this to me.
1518
01:12:51,872 --> 01:12:54,958
Are you kidding me?
Right before our wedding? Really?
1519
01:12:55,292 --> 01:12:58,921
It is on CNN, Fox, TMZ,
Media fucking TakeOut!
1520
01:12:59,463 --> 01:13:01,407
As soon as I get out of here,
I'm gonna come right to you.
1521
01:13:01,507 --> 01:13:03,158
No, no, no.
You're not gonna come to me.
1522
01:13:03,258 --> 01:13:05,385
You're gonna go
to your fucking bachelor party!
1523
01:13:05,511 --> 01:13:06,970
You can still make this right, Dre.
1524
01:13:07,971 --> 01:13:10,474
I'm an alcoholic. I'm a fucking drunk.
1525
01:13:10,766 --> 01:13:13,977
Do you really think
I need to go to a party?
1526
01:13:14,269 --> 01:13:15,604
You have to do this.
1527
01:13:15,896 --> 01:13:17,923
Did you forget who the fuck I am?
1528
01:13:18,023 --> 01:13:19,967
I turned down Bradley Cooper!
1529
01:13:20,067 --> 01:13:22,110
Matt Kemp! Matt fucking Kemp!
1530
01:13:22,444 --> 01:13:24,613
I could have had anybody!
1531
01:13:25,155 --> 01:13:26,615
I chose you, Dre.
1532
01:13:26,990 --> 01:13:29,618
Everybody wanted to wife me,
and I chose you.
1533
01:13:30,035 --> 01:13:31,370
Dre, what do I do?
1534
01:13:31,620 --> 01:13:35,249
Every time I see you after
we've been separated, what do I do?
1535
01:13:35,499 --> 01:13:36,750
We have sex?
1536
01:13:37,000 --> 01:13:39,419
No, no, no. Not just sex.
1537
01:13:40,212 --> 01:13:42,656
After every time
we have been separated,
1538
01:13:42,756 --> 01:13:44,508
the moment I see you,
1539
01:13:44,800 --> 01:13:47,010
the second you walk through the door,
1540
01:13:47,344 --> 01:13:49,346
I suck your dick! Every time!
1541
01:13:49,513 --> 01:13:51,682
Do you think I wanted to do that? Dre?
1542
01:13:52,683 --> 01:13:55,519
I didn't know
you were keeping a blowjob tab.
1543
01:13:55,686 --> 01:13:58,188
That's not what I'm saying.
What I am saying, Dre,
1544
01:13:58,355 --> 01:14:01,525
is that I sucked your dick for us!
1545
01:14:01,942 --> 01:14:05,487
I sucked it for us
because I knew, sooner or later,
1546
01:14:05,654 --> 01:14:08,223
I was gonna need you
to do something for me
1547
01:14:08,323 --> 01:14:09,908
that you didn't want to do.
1548
01:14:10,409 --> 01:14:11,869
You owe me.
1549
01:14:12,578 --> 01:14:14,329
Do you hear yourself?
1550
01:14:14,705 --> 01:14:16,665
You're addicted to this shit.
1551
01:14:17,875 --> 01:14:20,544
See, what you're not understanding,
1552
01:14:21,253 --> 01:14:23,088
this is all I have.
1553
01:14:24,423 --> 01:14:27,384
Okay? I don't have a talent.
1554
01:14:28,010 --> 01:14:30,579
Right? I don't sing.
1555
01:14:30,679 --> 01:14:33,957
I don't dance. I don't act.
I don't tell jokes.
1556
01:14:34,057 --> 01:14:36,059
I'm not you, Dre.
1557
01:14:38,312 --> 01:14:40,464
You have to... You have to choose me.
1558
01:14:40,564 --> 01:14:41,673
Erica?
1559
01:14:41,773 --> 01:14:43,734
Okay?
Everyone needs to see you choose me.
1560
01:14:43,859 --> 01:14:45,569
- Erica.
- I am finally famous.
1561
01:14:45,694 --> 01:14:47,029
Don't ruin this for me!
1562
01:14:47,404 --> 01:14:49,489
Give me the phone. Give me the phone.
1563
01:15:00,167 --> 01:15:01,585
Don't say nothin'.
1564
01:15:01,919 --> 01:15:04,129
Look at you. You look great.
1565
01:15:04,671 --> 01:15:07,758
Didn't I tell you?
These streets are dangerous. I said it.
1566
01:15:09,468 --> 01:15:11,036
This reminds me of eighth grade.
1567
01:15:11,136 --> 01:15:13,472
We got locked up for playing hooky.
Remember that?
1568
01:15:14,556 --> 01:15:16,099
Don't say "we."
1569
01:15:16,975 --> 01:15:18,519
The cops grabbed me.
1570
01:15:19,311 --> 01:15:20,896
You let 'em catch you.
1571
01:15:21,355 --> 01:15:24,483
What was I supposed to do,
let you get locked up by yourself?
1572
01:15:26,485 --> 01:15:28,570
Dre, next time they give you one call,
1573
01:15:30,239 --> 01:15:31,490
call me.
1574
01:15:34,451 --> 01:15:36,453
Here's what you are going to do.
1575
01:15:37,621 --> 01:15:40,165
You are going to attend
your bachelor party.
1576
01:15:41,208 --> 01:15:42,901
And then you're going to
climb up on that jet
1577
01:15:43,001 --> 01:15:45,462
and you, my man,
are going to get married.
1578
01:15:46,672 --> 01:15:48,507
And then, and only then,
1579
01:15:48,882 --> 01:15:50,701
I will make sure
that your little incident
1580
01:15:50,801 --> 01:15:52,594
plays into the press
like it was part of the show.
1581
01:15:52,803 --> 01:15:55,664
I will tell the media, the cops,
your parole officer,
1582
01:15:55,764 --> 01:15:57,124
that we all thought
the alcohol was fake.
1583
01:15:57,224 --> 01:15:59,059
Everybody knows
that these shows aren't real.
1584
01:15:59,226 --> 01:16:01,979
But if you decide
to do something drastic,
1585
01:16:04,189 --> 01:16:05,858
you are on your own.
1586
01:16:06,650 --> 01:16:07,985
Your own.
1587
01:16:13,031 --> 01:16:14,366
It's okay.
1588
01:16:52,821 --> 01:16:56,158
Hey, young lady,
it is way past your bedtime.
1589
01:16:56,450 --> 01:16:58,869
Come on, two more minutes?
I got some more pigs to kill.
1590
01:16:59,328 --> 01:17:00,746
Turn off Grandma's phone.
1591
01:17:00,871 --> 01:17:02,581
It's not Grandma's. It's mine.
1592
01:17:03,498 --> 01:17:04,708
Yours.
1593
01:17:05,542 --> 01:17:06,835
Who gave you a phone?
1594
01:17:07,211 --> 01:17:08,378
The Prince sent it.
1595
01:17:14,009 --> 01:17:16,803
I got strict orders to have you
out of here in 45 minutes.
1596
01:17:16,970 --> 01:17:18,263
Sorry about the movie.
1597
01:17:18,430 --> 01:17:20,849
There's always word of mouth.
It could still be a hit!
1598
01:17:21,141 --> 01:17:22,309
If you say so.
1599
01:17:39,785 --> 01:17:41,119
You guys ever been here?
1600
01:17:41,495 --> 01:17:42,996
I have not been here.
1601
01:17:43,622 --> 01:17:47,067
No. My wife gave me 20 minutes
and said, "Get in, get out."
1602
01:17:47,167 --> 01:17:48,168
We're not here now.
1603
01:17:49,837 --> 01:17:51,530
Watch your pockets, too,
they will pick it.
1604
01:17:51,630 --> 01:17:52,990
That's a guarantee. Not being racist.
1605
01:17:53,090 --> 01:17:54,283
- That's being ho-ist.
- Who?
1606
01:17:54,383 --> 01:17:56,885
Some of these chicks need money
and you fuckin' know it. Relax.
1607
01:17:57,010 --> 01:17:58,428
You been here before, Whoopi?
1608
01:17:59,680 --> 01:18:00,848
Hey, Whoopi.
1609
01:18:01,014 --> 01:18:02,040
Hi, Jasmine.
1610
01:18:02,140 --> 01:18:03,208
Hi, Jerry.
1611
01:18:03,308 --> 01:18:04,643
My niece.
1612
01:18:05,018 --> 01:18:06,854
She goes to my temple.
1613
01:18:07,896 --> 01:18:10,065
Whatever you do, don't get a mistress.
1614
01:18:10,274 --> 01:18:11,675
Can't do it. You'll get caught.
1615
01:18:11,775 --> 01:18:14,344
Just be a good person.
You can handle that. Just be good.
1616
01:18:14,444 --> 01:18:15,637
Stay good to her.
1617
01:18:15,737 --> 01:18:18,031
Stay true to her. Whack off.
1618
01:18:18,532 --> 01:18:19,825
- Whack off.
- Whack off.
1619
01:18:19,950 --> 01:18:21,118
Whack off.
1620
01:18:21,618 --> 01:18:24,788
And if it does happen, do not confess.
1621
01:18:25,247 --> 01:18:27,357
You will get caught. Just because...
1622
01:18:27,457 --> 01:18:31,528
No matter what, even if she finds
an actual vagina in your pocket.
1623
01:18:31,628 --> 01:18:33,297
- Don't confess.
- "I don't know how it got there."
1624
01:18:33,505 --> 01:18:36,466
My wife found two pussies
in my glove compartment.
1625
01:18:36,592 --> 01:18:39,803
And I had to convince her, you know,
it's a standard option on a Mercedes.
1626
01:18:41,722 --> 01:18:44,391
You can lie as much as you want,
she's going to know.
1627
01:18:44,516 --> 01:18:45,501
It takes a village.
1628
01:18:45,601 --> 01:18:46,602
Don't cheat.
1629
01:18:46,727 --> 01:18:47,853
I have no plans to cheat.
1630
01:18:47,978 --> 01:18:49,021
I know, no one does.
1631
01:18:49,146 --> 01:18:50,564
No one plans to speed.
1632
01:18:51,481 --> 01:18:54,902
Biggie, Jay, Nas, Ghostface, Jadakiss.
1633
01:18:55,110 --> 01:18:56,386
If you gonna say Gang Starr,
1634
01:18:56,486 --> 01:18:58,806
then you need to say
C.L. Smooth, Pete Rock.
1635
01:18:58,906 --> 01:19:00,908
You the one that picked
The Scenario over...
1636
01:19:01,533 --> 01:19:02,643
What's the other one?
1637
01:19:02,743 --> 01:19:04,453
- The Symphony.
- The Symphony.
1638
01:19:04,870 --> 01:19:08,207
Fucking Scenario is better
than Symphony, nigga!
1639
01:19:08,415 --> 01:19:09,917
Can I finish?
1640
01:19:36,193 --> 01:19:37,428
So how you doing?
1641
01:19:37,528 --> 01:19:40,764
I'm all right. I mean,
all that stuff that's on TV, that was...
1642
01:19:40,864 --> 01:19:43,700
That was just for the show.
I'm not really drinking.
1643
01:19:43,867 --> 01:19:47,746
Okay, I got married a lot of times.
You've been at several of my weddings.
1644
01:19:48,038 --> 01:19:50,541
But I always knew
that wasn't what I was into.
1645
01:19:50,666 --> 01:19:53,544
I wasn't into the wedding
and everyone knew it.
1646
01:19:53,961 --> 01:19:57,464
I should have been into the guy.
As you should be into the girl.
1647
01:19:57,840 --> 01:20:00,033
- Make her sign the prenup.
- Prenup.
1648
01:20:00,133 --> 01:20:03,303
It's a hard conversation,
but just do it.
1649
01:20:03,428 --> 01:20:05,222
You will be happy in the long run.
1650
01:20:05,347 --> 01:20:06,582
- My money.
- Whose money is it?
1651
01:20:06,682 --> 01:20:07,666
My money!
1652
01:20:07,766 --> 01:20:09,543
- Who wrote the jokes?
- I wrote the jokes.
1653
01:20:09,643 --> 01:20:11,854
Keep that fucking cash. Sign that shit.
1654
01:20:12,104 --> 01:20:13,522
Did you get one?
1655
01:20:14,398 --> 01:20:15,732
I did not.
1656
01:20:15,858 --> 01:20:17,025
Fuck!
1657
01:20:41,216 --> 01:20:43,494
Gonna go outside and check on the car.
Got a plane to catch.
1658
01:20:43,594 --> 01:20:45,788
All right, hurry up.
We gotta get out of here.
1659
01:20:45,888 --> 01:20:47,598
I'm on it! You know I'm on it.
1660
01:20:49,766 --> 01:20:51,602
Hey, Andre, she really loved the phone.
1661
01:20:55,022 --> 01:20:56,356
James Nielson!
1662
01:20:57,983 --> 01:20:59,318
Can I talk to you for a second?
1663
01:20:59,443 --> 01:21:01,486
- I don't want to talk to you, James.
- Please?
1664
01:21:01,612 --> 01:21:03,822
No! I don't want to talk.
Hey, everybody!
1665
01:21:04,448 --> 01:21:07,784
This man right here is a journalist!
1666
01:21:07,910 --> 01:21:10,245
He is not to be trusted!
1667
01:21:10,495 --> 01:21:12,164
Okay. I'm sorry.
1668
01:21:12,581 --> 01:21:15,359
Okay, James is a character
I created a very long time ago,
1669
01:21:15,459 --> 01:21:17,836
and unfortunately,
he's still a very popular character.
1670
01:21:17,961 --> 01:21:20,797
Character?
What are you, Sasha Fierce?
1671
01:21:20,964 --> 01:21:23,575
I got it. Shakira Simmons.
1672
01:21:23,675 --> 01:21:25,010
- Shakara.
- Shakara Simmons.
1673
01:21:25,135 --> 01:21:26,762
- Yeah.
- Who gives a fuck?
1674
01:21:29,223 --> 01:21:30,916
- Was it all a lie?
- Of course not.
1675
01:21:31,016 --> 01:21:32,434
Were you in character the whole time?
1676
01:21:32,601 --> 01:21:33,769
No!
1677
01:21:34,978 --> 01:21:36,355
Any of it?
1678
01:21:36,480 --> 01:21:39,441
Your mother, your kid.
Your Cinderella bullshit.
1679
01:21:39,816 --> 01:21:44,112
I'm really sorry. What I did was wrong
and it was creepy and it was weird.
1680
01:21:44,655 --> 01:21:45,806
And I know you won't believe me,
1681
01:21:45,906 --> 01:21:48,725
but I actually did it because I like you.
All right?
1682
01:21:48,825 --> 01:21:50,160
The fan in me just wanted to know
1683
01:21:50,285 --> 01:21:52,062
what happened to that guy
that I saw at Purchase.
1684
01:21:52,162 --> 01:21:53,188
You liked me?
1685
01:21:53,288 --> 01:21:54,857
Yes, that made me laugh and cry.
1686
01:21:54,957 --> 01:21:56,108
You can't touch the girls.
1687
01:21:56,208 --> 01:21:59,111
She took my wallet. I don't know
where it is, but she has it.
1688
01:21:59,211 --> 01:22:02,030
I don't have any clothes on.
Where am I gonna put it?
1689
01:22:02,130 --> 01:22:03,882
Do I have to say it?
1690
01:22:04,341 --> 01:22:06,677
We got drama. Come on. We gotta go.
1691
01:22:07,135 --> 01:22:09,513
- Let's get out of here.
- Let's go. Let's go. Let's go.
1692
01:22:10,597 --> 01:22:11,682
Hey, Andre?
1693
01:22:15,143 --> 01:22:16,812
Are you going my way?
1694
01:22:29,032 --> 01:22:30,659
So are you okay, alky?
1695
01:22:32,077 --> 01:22:36,081
Yeah, I'm real good.
It's not as bad as it looks.
1696
01:22:39,209 --> 01:22:42,796
I got a Google alert that said
that the incident was part of the show.
1697
01:22:43,547 --> 01:22:46,216
But I could tell
that you were really drinking.
1698
01:22:46,383 --> 01:22:47,618
You're not that good of an actor.
1699
01:22:47,718 --> 01:22:49,386
Nice one, James.
1700
01:22:54,725 --> 01:22:56,226
Hey, where are we going?
1701
01:22:56,602 --> 01:22:58,979
I thought we were just dropping her off.
1702
01:22:59,396 --> 01:23:00,647
We're just making a little stop first.
1703
01:23:01,231 --> 01:23:02,566
Stop where?
1704
01:23:09,239 --> 01:23:10,407
Yo, come on.
1705
01:23:14,369 --> 01:23:15,871
Thank you.
1706
01:23:19,583 --> 01:23:21,026
I thought we'd just see a couple,
1707
01:23:21,126 --> 01:23:23,504
and then, you know,
we can just get out of here.
1708
01:23:25,255 --> 01:23:26,590
Yo, Hammy!
1709
01:23:26,882 --> 01:23:28,383
Wassup, Hammy!
1710
01:23:32,804 --> 01:23:34,139
What's happenin', man?
1711
01:23:34,264 --> 01:23:35,916
- You going on?
- No, no.
1712
01:23:36,016 --> 01:23:37,267
All right.
1713
01:23:41,438 --> 01:23:42,673
Look around the room,
look around the room,
1714
01:23:42,773 --> 01:23:45,676
look around the room,
any guy not laughing at that right now,
1715
01:23:45,776 --> 01:23:46,944
is on a date.
1716
01:23:48,403 --> 01:23:51,849
There is a battle going on at the table
between the man and the woman.
1717
01:23:51,949 --> 01:23:53,283
- What's up, man?
- The man wants leverage.
1718
01:23:53,408 --> 01:23:54,952
- How's it going?
- The woman wants leverage.
1719
01:23:55,118 --> 01:23:57,771
See, when the check comes,
if the girl puts money on the table,
1720
01:23:57,871 --> 01:23:59,790
that's called the "no pussy deposit."
1721
01:24:01,625 --> 01:24:02,960
She just put a deposit down
1722
01:24:03,085 --> 01:24:05,963
on not having to do shit with you later
on that night.
1723
01:24:06,129 --> 01:24:08,198
You ever see how the girl,
when she drops the twenty,
1724
01:24:08,298 --> 01:24:10,242
she holds her hand up
like she shot a three-pointer,
1725
01:24:10,342 --> 01:24:12,135
then gets back on defense? Bam!
1726
01:24:13,971 --> 01:24:16,749
Oh, my gosh, look at this outfit.
This is me trying.
1727
01:24:16,849 --> 01:24:19,017
This is what you look like
when you start giving up.
1728
01:24:19,184 --> 01:24:21,462
Take a note. People keep asking me
if I'm from Michigan.
1729
01:24:21,562 --> 01:24:24,231
I'm like, "No, I'm done.
It looks the same."
1730
01:24:26,650 --> 01:24:28,652
It looks exactly the fucking same.
1731
01:24:28,861 --> 01:24:30,721
I don't wear anything
that doesn't transition well
1732
01:24:30,821 --> 01:24:32,406
to bed from now on.
1733
01:24:32,781 --> 01:24:35,617
If I can't pull the bra out the sleeve,
I'm not interested in you.
1734
01:24:36,410 --> 01:24:37,703
I'm not interested.
1735
01:24:37,911 --> 01:24:40,914
Yeah, how come every movie
with slaves always has that one scene?
1736
01:24:51,341 --> 01:24:53,343
It's like... It's like Slave Idol.
1737
01:25:00,184 --> 01:25:02,352
You guys ain't going to believe this.
1738
01:25:02,853 --> 01:25:06,523
The one, the only, Andre Allen!
1739
01:25:34,551 --> 01:25:36,553
What can I say?
1740
01:25:37,054 --> 01:25:38,597
Please lower your expectations.
1741
01:25:40,390 --> 01:25:42,559
It's not gonna be that good.
1742
01:25:43,268 --> 01:25:47,397
What the hell am I doing up here?
I haven't done this in a long time.
1743
01:25:48,065 --> 01:25:51,135
A lot of people don't like dates.
It's like, "I hate dating. I hate dating."
1744
01:25:51,235 --> 01:25:53,403
I like dates. Dates are cool.
1745
01:25:53,695 --> 01:25:57,241
'Cause a date means
someone is considering fucking you.
1746
01:26:01,662 --> 01:26:03,956
They have to, like, ponder it.
It's just...
1747
01:26:05,916 --> 01:26:09,878
Anybody you can eat with,
you might have a chance of fucking.
1748
01:26:11,213 --> 01:26:14,049
So, and they're just pondering
fucking you.
1749
01:26:14,591 --> 01:26:17,161
They're weighing it in their head.
They're going...
1750
01:26:17,261 --> 01:26:20,722
Girls are going,
"His dick, my mouth. I wonder."
1751
01:26:21,390 --> 01:26:24,726
And even if it doesn't happen,
you just feel... I feel good.
1752
01:26:25,185 --> 01:26:28,981
I mean, any day somebody thinks
about fucking you is a good day.
1753
01:26:30,649 --> 01:26:32,926
That's the thing with women.
Like... They don't...
1754
01:26:33,026 --> 01:26:36,446
No matter what you do for a woman,
if it doesn't end in marriage,
1755
01:26:37,114 --> 01:26:38,574
this was a waste of time.
1756
01:26:38,782 --> 01:26:42,953
I don't care what you do for her.
You could... Got her a job,
1757
01:26:43,829 --> 01:26:46,456
you know, cured her diabetes,
1758
01:26:47,374 --> 01:26:49,084
taught her how to read.
1759
01:26:49,543 --> 01:26:51,487
But if it's over
and you don't marry her,
1760
01:26:51,587 --> 01:26:54,131
it's like, "I can't believe
I wasted my time with you."
1761
01:26:54,339 --> 01:26:55,841
"Fuck you and your letters."
1762
01:26:57,301 --> 01:27:00,262
"I could have been married
with diabetes by now."
1763
01:27:02,097 --> 01:27:03,682
What can I say?
1764
01:27:03,974 --> 01:27:08,604
All I can say is, don't make
any major decisions after a blowjob.
1765
01:27:12,274 --> 01:27:14,943
You know, let the blowjob wear off.
1766
01:27:16,820 --> 01:27:19,364
Then you figure out
what you want to do, you know.
1767
01:27:19,615 --> 01:27:21,533
That's just my advice to you.
1768
01:27:21,825 --> 01:27:24,186
I'm sure that's what
happened to J.F.K, you know.
1769
01:27:24,286 --> 01:27:26,830
Marilyn Monroe gave him a blowjob and,
1770
01:27:27,122 --> 01:27:29,958
you know, he was, like,
"I'm gonna get me a convertible."
1771
01:27:39,092 --> 01:27:41,678
One more time! Andre Allen!
1772
01:27:42,554 --> 01:27:44,415
- Come on. Hurry up!
- That was incredible!
1773
01:27:44,515 --> 01:27:46,016
Hammy!
1774
01:27:46,517 --> 01:27:48,435
- You still got it! I told you!
- Yes.
1775
01:27:49,102 --> 01:27:51,588
- Amazing. Oh, my God.
- Get in there, get in there.
1776
01:27:51,688 --> 01:27:52,940
Hammy, keep it real.
1777
01:27:53,065 --> 01:27:54,258
Yo, Hammy.
1778
01:27:54,358 --> 01:27:56,235
Come on, go, go, go, go!
1779
01:27:57,528 --> 01:27:58,862
That was incredible!
1780
01:27:59,196 --> 01:28:00,973
- Amazing. As always.
- Wasn't he amazing?
1781
01:28:01,073 --> 01:28:02,282
You were amazing. You were so great.
1782
01:28:07,037 --> 01:28:08,080
How do you feel?
1783
01:28:08,330 --> 01:28:09,540
I feel...
1784
01:28:09,873 --> 01:28:12,543
Insane, man! I feel like,
1785
01:28:13,043 --> 01:28:17,214
you know, it's like I took the pill
and I'm in the Matrix.
1786
01:28:17,422 --> 01:28:21,535
Like, I can't believe it.
I'm just watching the people.
1787
01:28:21,635 --> 01:28:24,847
And I can hear them laugh,
and I could feel the laughter.
1788
01:28:24,972 --> 01:28:27,808
Okay, what got you up there?
What did it?
1789
01:28:28,725 --> 01:28:30,394
When I met you this morning,
1790
01:28:30,644 --> 01:28:34,731
you mentioned this show that I did
at your school like 15 years ago.
1791
01:28:35,357 --> 01:28:37,025
And I remembered it.
1792
01:28:37,901 --> 01:28:39,152
It was a good show.
1793
01:28:39,611 --> 01:28:40,946
It was.
1794
01:28:41,864 --> 01:28:45,868
You just got me thinking
about being on stage.
1795
01:28:48,412 --> 01:28:49,913
So, that's all it took, huh?
1796
01:28:50,914 --> 01:28:52,249
That...
1797
01:28:53,834 --> 01:28:55,169
...and jail.
1798
01:28:56,753 --> 01:28:59,214
- Jail.
- You were barely in there.
1799
01:29:00,757 --> 01:29:03,093
After I got off the phone with Erica,
1800
01:29:03,760 --> 01:29:05,012
I thought I was at bottom.
1801
01:29:05,429 --> 01:29:09,099
I was like, "This is it,
I have fucked up everything."
1802
01:29:09,766 --> 01:29:13,478
And at that moment,
I heard this crazy sound.
1803
01:29:29,453 --> 01:29:30,787
DMX.
1804
01:29:31,955 --> 01:29:33,081
What are you doing here?
1805
01:29:33,790 --> 01:29:35,959
Really? What am I doing here?
1806
01:29:36,251 --> 01:29:38,170
I'm X, man.
I live in this motherfucker, man.
1807
01:29:38,295 --> 01:29:39,296
Don't you watch the news?
1808
01:29:39,922 --> 01:29:41,089
Damn, homie.
1809
01:29:41,632 --> 01:29:44,760
I respect the fuck out of your shit, man.
Uprize?
1810
01:29:45,302 --> 01:29:46,637
I'm gonna see that
as soon as I get out, man.
1811
01:29:47,304 --> 01:29:50,641
Yo, man, thanks a lot, man.
I'm a big fan of yours, too.
1812
01:29:51,141 --> 01:29:54,645
One thing I really respect about you,
why I fuck with you for real, son,
1813
01:29:54,937 --> 01:29:57,940
is that you won't let the industry
box you in.
1814
01:29:58,148 --> 01:29:59,983
We're pretty much
on some same shit, yo.
1815
01:30:00,150 --> 01:30:02,319
I'm kind of tired of rapping, man.
1816
01:30:02,653 --> 01:30:04,613
Plus, I got so much more to offer.
1817
01:30:04,988 --> 01:30:08,325
That's what I always say, man.
I got so much more to offer.
1818
01:30:08,825 --> 01:30:10,661
- You got a minute?
- Yeah.
1819
01:30:10,953 --> 01:30:12,287
Check this out.
1820
01:30:13,497 --> 01:30:16,500
Smile, though your heart is aching
1821
01:30:17,292 --> 01:30:20,128
Smile, even though it's breaking
1822
01:30:21,004 --> 01:30:23,173
When there are clouds in the sky
1823
01:30:23,507 --> 01:30:25,008
You'll get by
1824
01:30:25,342 --> 01:30:27,344
Smile through the pain and sorrow
1825
01:30:27,469 --> 01:30:28,512
What?
1826
01:30:28,846 --> 01:30:31,348
Smile and maybe tomorrow
1827
01:30:31,682 --> 01:30:33,851
You'll see the sun come shining through
1828
01:30:33,976 --> 01:30:34,918
For you
1829
01:30:35,018 --> 01:30:36,061
Shut the fuck up!
1830
01:30:36,186 --> 01:30:37,354
I'm expressing myself over here, nigga.
1831
01:30:37,688 --> 01:30:40,257
Light up your face with gladness
1832
01:30:40,357 --> 01:30:42,693
Hide every trace of sadness
1833
01:30:43,026 --> 01:30:46,363
And although a tear is ever so near
1834
01:30:46,697 --> 01:30:49,767
That's the time you must keep on trying
1835
01:30:49,867 --> 01:30:51,185
Smile, what's the use of crying?
1836
01:30:51,285 --> 01:30:52,269
You suck!
1837
01:30:52,369 --> 01:30:55,038
You'll find that life
is still worthwhile
1838
01:30:55,372 --> 01:30:58,208
If you just smile
Motherfucker!
1839
01:30:58,709 --> 01:31:00,027
Shut the fuck up!
1840
01:31:00,127 --> 01:31:02,212
Smile, though your heart is aching...
1841
01:31:02,379 --> 01:31:03,922
Rap, you motherfucker!
1842
01:31:04,047 --> 01:31:05,048
Rap!
1843
01:31:22,900 --> 01:31:24,401
Take care of yourself.
1844
01:31:24,735 --> 01:31:25,861
You, too.
1845
01:31:29,907 --> 01:31:31,074
Well,
1846
01:31:32,534 --> 01:31:33,644
you got everything?
1847
01:31:33,744 --> 01:31:36,079
Yep. Got my cell phone.
1848
01:31:36,914 --> 01:31:38,248
Everything.
1849
01:31:41,084 --> 01:31:42,586
That's good.
1850
01:31:43,420 --> 01:31:44,922
Have a safe flight.
1851
01:31:45,589 --> 01:31:46,757
Thanks.
1852
01:31:48,258 --> 01:31:50,928
Listen, I'm going to be in L.A.
in October.
1853
01:31:51,220 --> 01:31:54,389
This gallery wants to
showcase my photos.
1854
01:31:54,848 --> 01:31:56,183
Send you an invite.
1855
01:31:57,768 --> 01:31:59,436
You can bring your wife.
1856
01:32:00,437 --> 01:32:02,272
You know I can't go, right?
1857
01:32:05,609 --> 01:32:08,612
It's very nice to meet you, Andre Allen.
1858
01:32:08,946 --> 01:32:11,782
It's great to finally meet you,
1859
01:32:12,282 --> 01:32:13,951
Chelsea Brown.
1860
01:32:17,120 --> 01:32:18,455
Fry or die.
1861
01:32:32,135 --> 01:32:33,595
Yo, Chels!
1862
01:32:38,976 --> 01:32:40,435
What's your top five?
1863
01:32:49,027 --> 01:32:50,696
Salt-N-Pepa,
1864
01:32:51,655 --> 01:32:53,323
Tribe Called Quest,
1865
01:32:53,824 --> 01:32:55,158
The Roots,
1866
01:32:55,993 --> 01:32:57,661
Public Enemy,
1867
01:32:59,329 --> 01:33:00,664
Kanye.
1868
01:33:03,000 --> 01:33:06,670
And I get six, man.
Slick Rick the Ruler!
1869
01:33:07,671 --> 01:33:09,006
Slick Rick.
1870
01:33:12,509 --> 01:33:13,844
Take care.
1871
01:33:14,052 --> 01:33:15,387
You, too.
1872
01:33:46,043 --> 01:33:48,212
She's a little skinny for my taste.
1873
01:33:48,545 --> 01:33:51,507
But if it was me,
I would be up there right now.
1874
01:33:54,843 --> 01:33:56,453
I wouldn't worry about Erica.
1875
01:33:56,553 --> 01:33:59,723
One way or another,
she's going to end up on top.
1876
01:34:00,682 --> 01:34:02,684
Can't have 'em all, man.
1877
01:34:03,227 --> 01:34:05,521
I'm not talking about having 'em all.
1878
01:34:06,230 --> 01:34:08,190
I'm talking about having her.
1879
01:34:13,904 --> 01:34:15,531
What you got in that gift bag, man?
1880
01:34:16,573 --> 01:34:18,742
Let me check.
1881
01:34:20,911 --> 01:34:23,939
Got some vodka. Okay.
1882
01:34:24,039 --> 01:34:25,874
In my gift bag.
1883
01:34:26,750 --> 01:34:29,086
Somebody wasn't thinking about me.
1884
01:34:31,088 --> 01:34:32,589
I'll take that off your hands.
1885
01:34:33,257 --> 01:34:34,383
What else you got, man?
1886
01:34:34,591 --> 01:34:38,804
Got a jasmine-scented candle.
1887
01:34:38,929 --> 01:34:41,457
Definitely something I would give a man.
1888
01:34:41,557 --> 01:34:44,434
I got a Mexican chica.
She loves candles. She's a candle bitch.
1889
01:34:44,726 --> 01:34:45,936
What else you got?
1890
01:34:48,897 --> 01:34:50,566
Gourmet nuts.
1891
01:34:50,774 --> 01:34:53,051
You know I love some nuts.
That's for me. Give me those.
1892
01:34:53,151 --> 01:34:54,178
There you go.
1893
01:34:54,278 --> 01:34:55,612
Hopefully honey-roasted.
1894
01:34:55,821 --> 01:34:58,015
When they put the honey on the nuts?
1895
01:34:58,115 --> 01:34:59,575
That's a whole
different world right there.
1896
01:34:59,783 --> 01:35:01,018
And let's see.
1897
01:35:01,118 --> 01:35:03,287
A gift certificate for...
1898
01:35:03,787 --> 01:35:05,022
That's when they took it to a new level.
1899
01:35:05,122 --> 01:35:06,356
You know me, I'm a snacker.
1900
01:35:06,456 --> 01:35:09,001
Now, if they could find a way
to put the honey inside the...
1901
01:35:09,626 --> 01:35:11,920
Some kind of cloning shit, I don't know.
Is that cloning?
1902
01:35:23,974 --> 01:35:25,475
Yo, Silk.
1903
01:36:04,848 --> 01:36:06,975
- You want the top five?
- Yes!
1904
01:36:07,226 --> 01:36:08,227
Yes.
1905
01:36:08,352 --> 01:36:09,686
Here it is.
1906
01:36:10,020 --> 01:36:11,522
Sugarhill Gang,
1907
01:36:11,855 --> 01:36:13,190
- Eminem...
- Right.
1908
01:36:13,524 --> 01:36:14,858
Wale,
1909
01:36:15,192 --> 01:36:16,860
Ice Cube...
1910
01:36:17,194 --> 01:36:18,695
...and Sir Mix-A-Lot!
1911
01:36:19,196 --> 01:36:20,531
Yes!
1912
01:36:21,198 --> 01:36:23,200
"Put 'em on the glass"!
145974
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