All language subtitles for dollface.s01e01.web.h264-trump.en

‐ Cheers.
‐ Cheers, you guys.

‐ How are the huevos rancheros?

‐ They're pretty good.
‐ Can I have a bite?

‐ I don't love you anymore.

I mean, the Dodgers have got
to bring somebody up

to fill that position at this point.

Well, I think E. B.'s a perfect candidate.
I mean, after you...

That's right.
He bumped it up.

.348. You know, he's also...

- I really am sorry, Jules.

‐ What about all the plans
we have coming up?

Lake Tahoe in December?

‐ Well... I mean,
it's my company's retreat, right?

So...

‐ Ramona's wedding this spring?

‐ You mean Ramona, my sister?

‐ Let me guess,
you're keeping Johnny Drama.

‐ You can have Turtle.

‐ Great. Great, Jeremy.

Now I have a cat named Turtle
for no reason.

Should I be aware
of anything else in my life

that completely revolves around you?

‐ That's my sweatshirt,
but I don't need it now.
‐ Forget it.

‐ You don't have to do that.
‐ Oh, I'd love to do that.

I got it!

‐ You don't have to fold it...
‐ I clean when I'm upset.

‐ ...'cause it's a sweatshirt, so...

‐ Just...

Five years.

We've been through a lot together.

‐ Exactly. Now imagine doing
what we just did

like 10 more times and then dying.

Okay, that's what marriage is.

I just, I would never want to put you
through something like that, dollface.

So, I'll crash with my sister

while you move your stuff out.

You're gonna be okay.

All right? You're so much stronger
than everybody thinks you are.

‐ We've hung out together like
every day for half a decade.

I don't really know what to do now.

‐ I think what you do now is...

go back.

What? Go back where?

‐ Back to hanging out with other women.

Come on, lady, I don't have all day.

‐ Um...

Excuse me, can you tell me
where this bus is...

‐ What? You never seen
an old cat lady before?

‐ We just bought a kayak.

‐ Um, I think I'd like to get off.

‐ No can do, sweetheart.

If you're here, it means you spent
so much time on the other side,

you need some help getting back.

‐ Back to spending time
with other women?

That's... that's really what this is?

‐ Take it from me, ma'am.

Relationships with other women
are sacred and necessary.

In today's world, the bonds of sisterhood
are all you have to turn to.

‐ "Bonds of sisterhood"?

‐ Well, you can always try
being a guy's girl.

‐ Shall we shag and have beer?

‐ I totally love video games.
‐ I love beer.

I'm not like other girls.
‐ I totally love video games.

‐ I'm totally in love with video games.
‐ Shall we shag and have beer?

‐ Anyone want to get wings? Anyone?

‐ That's it, I can't do this anymore.
Stop the bus!

‐ I live with my mom, want to get married?

‐ Another one bites the dust.

Don't look so worried.

Just remember, women need
each other now more than ever.

Turn your back on them
and you end up alone.

You can guess what happens then.

This terminal is for women
returning from relationships only.

Please reconnect with your girlfriends
and proceed to emotional baggage claim.

This terminal's for women
returning from relationships only.

Please reconnect with your girlfriends
and proceed to emotional baggage claim.

‐ Okay, there seems to be a hold
on your account as a woman.

I just need to ask you
a few routine questions.

Have you recently slept
with a close friend's boyfriend?

‐ No.
‐ Have you recently made comments

about a female politician's inability
to lead due to her menstrual cycle?

‐ No.

Um... there has to be
some kind of mistake.

I mean, I support women.
I love women.

I did a breast cancer walk last year.

‐ It says here that was organized
by your ex‐boyfriend's mother.

‐ Okay.
‐ Ah, here it is.

Your personal relationships
have all expired.

‐ Personal relation...
Are you saying I don't have any‐‐

‐ Friends. You have no friends.

‐ I have friends.
I have tons of friends.

It's probably just taking
a second to load.

‐ Don't touch my property.

You had friends, but you neglected them,
so they all expired.

‐ Friends can't expire.
Friends aren't milk.

I'm sorry, but you're wrong.
And you know what?

I am getting out of here
to see my best friend right now.

You wouldn't happen to have
a recent address

for Madison Maxwell, would you?

‐ Please leave.
‐ Cool.

‐ Oh, my God.
Jeremy broke up with you.

‐ What? That's crazy. I'm here to see you.

Jeremy broke up with me.

I could have been coming back
for something else, you don't know.

‐ I don't know?

I was your freshman roommate,
your best friend,

and the only person you told
about being sexually attracted

to that male cartoon character
from Kim Possible.

‐ I said Ron Stoppable's smile
was well drawn,

and I said that in confidence.

‐ I don't have time for this.

I'm doing PR for a client
at a women's summit

about the importance of inner beauty,

and I obviously can't go
if I have nothing cute to wear.

‐ Are you picking up my‐‐
‐ I clean when I'm upset.

‐ I have to be at the summit
in an hour and now I have

an emotionally induced migraine
that necessitates a cup of coffee.

Okay, I understand.

Just out of curiosity
and totally unrelated,

where are you going to get coffee?

‐ Thanks.

I don't know what you expect me to say.

The last time we spoke
was you replying to a spam email

that got sent from my account.

‐ Okay, I legitimately thought you were
recommending laser hair removal.

You're supposed to be the one to tell me
that I'm better off now

and that I should be going out
instead of wallowing at home.

‐ Are you kidding? I tried for years
to get you to go out more.

You acted like Stella and I were trying
to indoctrinate you into a cult.

‐ I mean, you did wear matching clothes
and there was all that weird chanting.

‐ It was a sorority.

‐ So, is Stella still dating
that Croatian pirate?

‐ Not everyone who violates maritime law
is a pirate, Jules.

But no, she isn't.
Which is the kind of thing you'd know

if you hadn't been
avoiding us for the last five years.

‐ I was never avoiding you, I just...

got a little preoccupied.

‐ You were like this before Jeremy.

Your excuses just used to be worse.

You tried to get out
of a St. Patrick's Day party once

because you had to "redry your laundry."

‐ Oh, you've never gotten a clump
of wet T‐shirts

caught in the fitted sheets?

It's not that I didn't want
to spend time with you, I just...

I just don't know how to act
in a big group of girls.

‐

Look at those girls, Jules.

Surrounding yourself
with women is important.

‐ I know it is.

I just find the whole clique thing
intimidating.

‐ How do you know they're a clique?
You don't even know them.

Hi. Sorry to bother you.

We were just wondering
how you guys know each other.

‐ Oh, this is my fucking squad.

I would literally die for these girls.

‐ Right, but at a certain point,

aren't we influenced
by what we see on Instagram

and really the whole "squad" thing
is just another way for society

to group together women
of similar levels of attractiveness?

‐ We're the Second Squadron,
23rd Cavalry Regiment

of the United States Army.

Meghan took two bullets
in the shoulder for me in Baghdad,

and I watched Commando Carol
die in my arms.

‐ Carol.

It was all my fault.

‐ Two bullets, Jules.

‐ I'm so‐‐ I was wrong about them.

I was wrong about a lot of things.
I want us to be friends again.

‐ Why? Because you actually miss me
or because you're just lonely?

I can't sign up to be the halftime show

while you wait for Jeremy to come
put the Super Bowl back on.

‐ No, I promise it won't be like that.

And the halftime show
is objectively the best part.

Everybody knows that.

‐ Jules, come on in.

Hey, Stella. Is this a bad time?

‐ No, no, this works. What's up?

‐ Okay, because, you know,
when you texted I could come over,

I just assumed that you meant
to your house.

‐ Oh, the place I'm house‐sitting
right now is all the way in Pasadena,

so I just figured it'd be easier
for you to meet me here.

‐ Sorry, I don't really watch a lot of...

Is this, uh...

porn?

No, no. I made sure this time.

Lemon is an artist friend of mine,

so I just help out whenever
she has a new project.

‐ We're reverse‐engineering
the concept of objectifying women

as part of the home construct.

‐ Of course, yeah, well, that makes
perfect sense now that you've told me.

‐ Your bone structure is... poetic.

‐ Thank you.
‐ Lemon, can we take five?

So... it's been a minute, babe.

‐ Yeah. Yeah, I know.
I'm sorry it's so out of the blue.

I just... I went to see Madison earlier,

and she's really upset with me,
so I was hoping I could get your advice.

‐ Okay. I mean,
I'm just a little surprised.

In college, I always got the impression
that I made you feel uncomfortable.

‐ : Tzatziki!
‐ Oh, God.

Um, no...

It's just more like, you and Madison

are kind of like Batman and Robin, okay?

And I was more like Alfred,

who was also one of Batman's
closest confidants,

who just prefers the comfort
and safety of the Manor.

So it's just a slightly less
natural scenario

for Robin and Alfred to be
hanging out alone.

Do you get what I'm saying?

‐ I've always liked you, Jules.

I've never seen us as hero and villain.

‐ They're a sidekick and a butler.
Never mind.

My point is, you know Madison
as well as I do,

and I thought if anyone, you would know
how to get through to her.

‐ Chaos.
‐ Is that a friend of Lemon's?

‐ The only way to ignite
change in a situation

is through the introduction of chaos.

I mean, that's why I do
a full‐body henna tattoo

any time I have jury duty.

‐ Yeah, right. What?

‐ Okay, new example.

Uh, if you were allergic to peanuts,
what would you do?

‐ I would buy an EpiPen and stay away
from peanuts and their related products.

‐ Wrong.
‐ I really don't think that's wrong.

‐ What's the absolute
most uncomfortable situation

you can imagine putting yourself in?

‐ Um...

I mean... Madison kind of called me out

for avoiding going
to parties with you guys.

‐ Okay, that's perfect.

You need to go to a party
and take Madison.

That'll get through to her.

And me. Because I like parties.

‐ Yeah. Well, I mean, it's not like
I have a huge pile of invitations.

I mean, the girls in my office
always have something going on,

but they're kind of unapproachable.

‐ I'm telling you, girl, you need to take
a bomb to your comfort zone

and just blow that shit up.

It's the only way.

I have to go.

Lemon said the coffee table was into me

and that looks like something
I want to explore.

‐ Okay.

Good luck with that.

‐ This is Woom, please hold.

This is Woom, a wellness
and lifestyle brand for women.

So then I read the rest
of Sonia Sotomayor's autobiography,

went to Pilates,
volunteered at a soup kitchen,

and gave myself a facial.

‐ Loved SoSo's book.

I messed around on my bass for a while,

harvested some saffron
from my spice garden,

and then made a seasonal seafood paella.

‐ Hey, Alison. Alison B.
Other Alison B.

‐ Hey, Jules. What did you do?

‐ Over vacation? Oh, uh...

I binged like four seasons
of Friday Night Lights.

‐ Oh, no, we were talking about
what we did this morning.

Oprah says the morning is crucial
to set your intention for the day.

‐ Oprah makes me want to kill myself.

‐ You don't like Oprah?

‐ No, I meant it in the good way.

‐ Oh, yeah.
‐ Sit! I feel like we never catch up.

‐ I know. I feel like
the last time I saw you

was at the company Christmas party.

Oh, my God, are you still dating
that cute guy you brought?

‐ Oh, yeah, I remember him, you guys
were completely adorable together.

‐ We actually just broke up.

‐ Oh, my God, honey, you were way
too good for him, I could totally tell.

‐ We didn't technically meet,
but I always got a bad vibe from him.

Honestly, I think he was a psycho.

If he dumped you, he must be gay.

He's probably a gay psycho.

‐ Oh, I don't know,
just been trying to keep busy.

Speaking of which,
I wanted to ask you guys

about the launch party this weekend.

For the new crystal
that goes in your... anus?

‐ Yes! The Mkundu Stone.

Don't worry, we focus grouped the name
and found our consumers

are much more comfortable with that word.

‐ Oh, good.
So, what does "Mkundu" mean?

‐ Oh, it still means anus,
just in Swahili,

so white people won't know.

‐ Well, I was wondering
if it isn't too much trouble,

could I get me and my friends
on the list for the event?

‐ Hey, Mads, where do you keep
your melon baller?

‐ I thought you were pouring us wine.

‐ Having a little bit
of a mixology moment.

‐ Okay. Please don't put things
in my wine.

Jesus Christ!

Jules. I'm gonna tell you the same thing
I told those Girl Scouts.

You can't have a nervous breakdown
in front of my door.

‐ Stella told me you guys were here.

‐ They're ready.

Almost.

‐ Remember that spring break
when my bathing suit broke on the beach

and we rushed to that weird gift shop
and found this shirt

and then you got one too
so I wouldn't have to wear it alone?

Remember?
"You Aruba me the right way"?

‐ What's your point?

‐ I got us on the list
for this big launch party

that Woom is throwing this weekend.

‐ A party? You hate parties.

‐ I know. But... you like them,

so I thought we could all go.

‐ Stell, didn't you say we had
that thing this weekend?

‐ Yeah, that seance at Nia's house.

But after last time, you said,
"No more birthday parties for ghosts."

‐ I guess we don't already have plans.
‐ Great.

Ah, awesome. I'll see you there.

‐ B‐But FYI, I threw that shirt away
like three years ago.

‐ Wait. I remember that trip.
Where was I when you got those?

‐ Th‐the lifeguard...

‐ And the Jet Ski.

‐ The blow job.

Junior year was fun.

Yeah.

All right, guys.

‐ Your complimentary Mkundu Stone.

‐ Oh, thank you.

Well, now I have two if you count
the one I'm wearing tonight.

Just kidding.
I don't have anything... Okay.

Ooh, great, parties are fun.

‐ Uh, Jules.

Hey. Hey.
‐ Hi. Hey.

‐ Hey, Jules, can you hold my stuff?

This seems like the kind of night
I'm gonna need both hands for.

‐ Wow, um, I can't believe
you guys came.

‐ Well, I can't believe you're
willingly attending a party.

On purpose. Intentionally.

‐ Okay, guys, I realize you're both
dealing with a lot of emotional baggage,

but this is gonna be more fun
for me if we're all drunk.

Shots. Hi.
‐ Oh.

‐ Oh, my God, you know what
we haven't done in forever?

A round of "here's to." Jules, go.

‐ Um... Here's to...

trying not to look at your ex's
Instagram every second.

‐ Second. Here's to second chances
for old friends, I hope.

‐ Hope. Here's to hoping these
haven't been inside of anyone.

‐ Oh, my God.
‐ Eww!

‐ Oh, my God!

Oh!

‐ This is... crazy. I didn't realize
you all knew each other.

‐ What do you mean?
‐ We just met.

‐ Oh. Well, uh...

the event looks great, guys.

‐ Right? I'm obsessed with the planner
we hired for this decor.

I want her to do my wedding
when Antoni from Queer Eye

finally realizes he needs
to be straight for me.

‐ Oh!

‐ Well, Madison's mom
is a wedding planner.

‐ She's actually taking a break
from work right now.

‐ Wait, really? What happened?
‐ It's not a big deal.

‐ It is a documented crime to be a woman
and not dance when this song comes on.

We have to go.

‐ Guys, we have to go to the after‐party.

It's at Hammer & Niall, the new bar

co‐owned by Armie Hammer
and Niall from One Direction.

So let's go.

‐ I'm gonna run to the bathroom.
‐ Of course.

‐ What are you doing?
We have to go with Stella.

‐ Oh, I don't have to pee.

‐ What does needing to pee have to do
with going to the bathroom?

‐ Is this a riddle?

‐ Girls are supposed to go
to the bathroom together.

‐ Well, yeah, but isn't
that rule kind of stupid?

‐ You're right, Jules.
No, it's stupid.

And cliques are stupid
and loyalty is stupid

and being there
for your friends is stupid.

Thank God you're too good for all that.

‐ Madison, I mean, come on, this‐‐

What do you think this whole night
was about? This is for you.

‐ Just forget it.

‐ Madison, wait.

‐ Jules, I need to talk to you.
‐ Oh, my God.

Um, this really isn't a good time, Alison.

‐ My name isn't Alison.
It's Isadora Grossman‐Levine.

I used to go by "Izzy"
until I started at Woom

and both the girls in my department
were already best friends

and they were both named Alison, so I lied

and I said my name was Alison, too,
just so they'd like me.

And then you started at Woom,
but you never really talked to us,

so I had no one to tell my secret to,

and now basically my entire adult life
is built on a lie!

‐ Ooh. Um, you know, that is,
uh, a lot to unpack,

and I would love
to get into this on Monday,

but I have to find my friends.

‐ Okay.

Keeping secrets makes us close.

‐ Excuse me.

Hey. Um...

Excuse me, if you could just...
Is there any way that I could just...

‐
‐

‐ Hey.
‐ She's not in the bathroom.

‐ Really?

‐ Hey.
‐ Whoa!

‐ If you guys are looking
for your friend Stella,

I think I saw her get into a van
with a weird older guy.

‐ Wait, a weird guy with a van?

‐ Yes, but she seemed totally fine.

I mean, she wasn't wearing shoes, but...

‐ Excuse us.

Stella!

‐ You see what happens when
we don't go to the bathroom together?

‐ Oh, God.

I have her phone and her wallet.

‐ That's fucking great.
Well, now I have to go find her.

Congratulations, Jules,
you get to go home early.

‐ No, I'll help you find her.
I want to help.

‐ Okay, well... call a Lyft.

I'm gonna see if the bartender knows
who she left with.

‐ Okay.

I clean when I'm upset, all right?
Don't worry about it.

‐ Jules...

‐ Hey... Jeremy.

‐ What are you doing?

‐ Oh, you know, just a...

girls' night.

‐ I hate to be a nitpicker, but...
you're alone.

‐ No. Uh, Madison's inside.
We lost Stella.

Madison Maxwell and Stella Cole?

I didn't know you were still friends
with those girls.

‐ Neither did they, apparently.

‐ Well, look, the guys and I were
just about to call it a night.

You're sifting through trash.
Why don't you let me take you home?

What, seriously?

Five seconds into a problem,
you go running to him.

‐ No, he... he just walked right up.

‐ All right, Madison, stand down,
all right?

We're just having
a conversation between us.

‐ Us? As in you and Jules?

'Cause I'm pretty sure
you lost the use of that word

when you dumped her out of nowhere.

‐ Okay, wow, uh,
do you hear how she talks to me?

‐ Look, I'm sorry.
I should be congratulating you

on the successful
Internet company you founded.

‐ I didn't found a company.

‐ Really? 'Cause that seemed like
the only logical explanation

as to why a grown man would be out
at night wearing a fucking hoodie.

‐ All right, I think we can both agree
she's being a little bit dramatic.

Can we just go, please, dollface?

‐ Uh, don't.

‐ What?

‐ Don't call me dollface.

I actually hate when you call me that.

And for your information,
Madison's not being dramatic, okay?

She's upset because, even though
she's always had my back,

I have been a shitty friend.

I've been a garbage person
who was so caught up in my relationship

that I abandoned her
and an entire gender of friendships,

so she's not dramatic, she's right.

And if I'm leaving right now,
it'll be with her.

‐ That was my Lyft.

‐ Okay, uh, well, we have to give
this guy a destination,

so where did you find Stella
the last time she disappeared?

‐ Uh, the American Consulate.

‐ Okay, w‐we're in America,
so I'm not totally sure that's an option.

‐ They took a left on Cahuenga,
so just keep heading east

and look out for a white van.

‐ So...

So, what was that thing
with your mom earlier?

‐ She was really sick for a while.

I, uh...

actually tried calling you
when it happened last year.

Even after all that time...

I needed you to be there.

‐ Oh, my God.

‐ Wait, Stella, where the hell are you?

I'm at Jimmy's Buffet,
but there's no food.

Where is Jimmy?

I want Chicken Fingers in Paradise.

‐ Who is‐‐ Who are you‐‐
‐ Wait, hello?

‐ Hello?
‐ Oh, my‐‐ Well, does she know a Jimmy?

‐ Oh, okay, fuck, think.

Um, uh, Paradise, Jimmy's Buffet.

‐ Jimmy's Buffet, um... Jimmy's...

Wait!
‐ What?

‐ I know where she is!

Okay.

‐ You should probably go
with a pro‐growth portfolio.

At your age, you're gonna
want to be maxing out

your Roth IRA contributions every year.

That way, you're planning for retirement.

‐ Here's the thing
about retirement, Dave.

We're living our life in the wrong order.

You know, we should work
when we're old and have nothing to do.

This is the time to get weird
in a group living facility in Florida.

And do you know how much fun
nursing homes would be

‐ if everyone was hot?
‐ Oh, there she is. Stella!

‐ Oh, these are my friends.
They know what I'm talking about.

‐ Okay, group vote on quitting our jobs
and moving to Florida?

‐ Yes.

‐ Stella, you don't have a job to quit,

and we've talked about not pitching
"hot nursing home" anymore.

‐ Sorry, can we just borrow her
for a minute?

‐ One sec.

‐ Okay, what was
with the creepy white van?

And why are you at Margaritaville
with Uncle Joey?

I met him in line for the bathroom.

And he's one of my top five
favorite TV uncles.

Hey, what was I gonna do,
not hear his financial advice

over Margas and chicken fingers?
That'd be crazy.

‐ You have other favorite TV uncles?
‐ We have different definitions of crazy.

‐ Ow, my feet are hurting.

If I stay at your house,
will you take off my makeup

with that little, um, scrubby thing?

‐ Yes. You got so much glitter
in my bed last time.

‐ I'm sorry.
‐ It's okay.

‐ Hey, if you girls need a ride,
I've got room for seven.

‐ Do you need a ride?

‐ Um, I mean,
I'm kind of in the opposite...

‐ It's probably just easier...
‐ It's fine, I'll just get a Lyft.

‐ Hope you guys like Earth, Wind & Fire.