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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:04,142 --> 00:00:07,441 Oh, the weather outside is frightful 2 00:00:07,612 --> 00:00:10,706 But the fire is so delightful 3 00:00:10,915 --> 00:00:13,509 And since we've no place to go 4 00:00:13,685 --> 00:00:17,177 Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow 5 00:00:18,189 --> 00:00:23,149 Snow, sleet, rain, sun, you've still got no place to go. 6 00:00:24,029 --> 00:00:27,760 Which is why I'm grateful for your generosity, Mr. Scrooge. 7 00:00:29,634 --> 00:00:33,468 Speaking of generosity, check out what I got Chelsea. 8 00:00:33,638 --> 00:00:35,105 Diamond earrings. Nice. 9 00:00:35,273 --> 00:00:38,504 Yeah. She dropped a couple of hints about stuff she wanted. 10 00:00:38,676 --> 00:00:41,042 But I wasn't really listening, so I got her these. 11 00:00:41,212 --> 00:00:43,510 How romantic. Will she be joining us for dinner? 12 00:00:43,681 --> 00:00:46,582 I think so. She's out doing some last-minute shopping... 13 00:00:46,751 --> 00:00:50,084 ...or something with work. Again, I wasn't really listening. 14 00:00:51,222 --> 00:00:52,689 Why did you mail me a letter? 15 00:00:52,857 --> 00:00:55,587 Oh, I decided to send out a Harper Christmas newsletter. 16 00:00:55,760 --> 00:00:58,752 You know, keep everybody updated on all things Harper. 17 00:00:58,963 --> 00:01:00,931 - You're kidding. - Don't worry, governor. 18 00:01:01,099 --> 00:01:05,092 I didn't mention your ongoing battle with the demon rum. 19 00:01:11,042 --> 00:01:13,670 As this wonderful year Draws to an end 20 00:01:13,845 --> 00:01:16,439 I send this note To family and friend 21 00:01:16,614 --> 00:01:19,208 So thankful are we For blessings galore 22 00:01:19,384 --> 00:01:23,616 Like Charlie's fianc�e A lady, not a whore 23 00:01:24,889 --> 00:01:26,754 Keep reading. 24 00:01:27,992 --> 00:01:30,256 And young Master Jake Is growing like a weed 25 00:01:30,428 --> 00:01:34,421 He makes us all proud Not a waste of my seed 26 00:01:35,233 --> 00:01:36,723 Keep going. Keep going. 27 00:01:36,901 --> 00:01:38,869 He tried his darnedest In every class 28 00:01:39,037 --> 00:01:41,562 And made 10th grade By the skin of his ass 29 00:01:41,739 --> 00:01:45,698 And, see, I put in a little drawing of an elf with his pants down. 30 00:01:45,877 --> 00:01:48,107 What's the matter with you? You're a grown man. 31 00:01:48,279 --> 00:01:51,442 Oh, come on, people love this stuff. Read, read. 32 00:01:51,616 --> 00:01:54,312 And our sweet mother, Evelyn Had a small operation 33 00:01:54,519 --> 00:01:58,546 Her secret garden Needed rejuvenation 34 00:01:59,257 --> 00:02:03,557 - "Secret garden"? - Find a rhyme for "vulva." 35 00:02:03,728 --> 00:02:05,525 I dare you. 36 00:02:06,431 --> 00:02:08,763 And what about the author Of this Christmas poem? 37 00:02:08,933 --> 00:02:11,333 He's healthy and happy In his beautiful home 38 00:02:11,536 --> 00:02:13,936 And while some might argue That he's just a leech 39 00:02:14,105 --> 00:02:16,471 It bothers him not He lives at the beach 40 00:02:19,177 --> 00:02:21,441 "Happy holidays from the happy Harpers." 41 00:02:21,613 --> 00:02:23,604 What do you think? 42 00:02:23,781 --> 00:02:26,443 You're sad, pathetic Lonely and blue 43 00:02:26,618 --> 00:02:29,280 If I gave a rat's ass I'd worry about you 44 00:02:41,499 --> 00:02:44,468 Expecting rough weather, captain? 45 00:02:45,136 --> 00:02:46,831 What? 46 00:02:47,639 --> 00:02:49,334 What are you looking at? 47 00:02:49,507 --> 00:02:51,600 - Nothing. - Really? 48 00:02:51,776 --> 00:02:55,303 So the beautiful girls playing volleyball completely escaped your eye? 49 00:02:55,480 --> 00:02:57,880 I see them, you perv. 50 00:02:59,317 --> 00:03:02,047 Little hottie in the tank top is checking you out. 51 00:03:02,220 --> 00:03:05,383 I know. Now, please go away. 52 00:03:07,192 --> 00:03:08,625 Why don't you go talk to her? 53 00:03:08,793 --> 00:03:10,658 - I can't. - Well, why not? 54 00:03:10,828 --> 00:03:12,125 I got a girlfriend. 55 00:03:12,297 --> 00:03:16,324 Oh, buddy, you can't call the posters in your room girlfriends. 56 00:03:16,501 --> 00:03:19,493 No, I'm talking about Celeste. I'm in a committed relationship. 57 00:03:19,671 --> 00:03:23,004 - What are you talking about? You're 13. - I'm 15. 58 00:03:24,008 --> 00:03:27,466 Who cares? You're too young for a committed relationship. 59 00:03:27,645 --> 00:03:30,705 - I'm 40, and I'm barely ready. - You're 42. 60 00:03:30,882 --> 00:03:33,544 What is it with you and numbers? 61 00:03:34,319 --> 00:03:37,254 Let me ask you something. Where is Celeste right now? 62 00:03:37,422 --> 00:03:39,617 Spending Christmas with her mom in Brentwood. 63 00:03:39,791 --> 00:03:42,191 So, what, your life just stops when she's gone? 64 00:03:42,360 --> 00:03:44,225 That's the deal we made. 65 00:03:45,363 --> 00:03:47,991 Listen to me, if you wanna go talk to the beach girl... 66 00:03:48,166 --> 00:03:49,929 ...you've got every right to do so. 67 00:03:50,134 --> 00:03:53,626 Are you sure? I don't think so. 68 00:03:54,772 --> 00:03:56,763 Don't worry about it. Just go talk to her. 69 00:03:57,175 --> 00:03:59,234 - Can I borrow 10 bucks? - Why? 70 00:03:59,410 --> 00:04:02,277 If she shoots me down, then I can go buy a couple corn dogs. 71 00:04:02,447 --> 00:04:04,381 She's not gonna shoot you down. 72 00:04:04,549 --> 00:04:06,608 Yeah, but now I got a taste for corn dogs. 73 00:04:06,784 --> 00:04:09,048 - Just go. - What if she wants a corn dog? 74 00:04:09,220 --> 00:04:12,280 She's about to meet one. Now, get out of here. 75 00:04:14,225 --> 00:04:15,749 Do I look okay? 76 00:04:15,927 --> 00:04:20,728 Jake, she waved at you. She smiled. Clearly, her standards aren't that high. 77 00:04:22,166 --> 00:04:23,394 Right. Thanks. 78 00:04:27,572 --> 00:04:30,473 When did I turn 42? 79 00:04:32,176 --> 00:04:35,077 Son of a bitch. 80 00:04:35,246 --> 00:04:38,306 Hey, I'm an organ donor. Good for me. 81 00:05:08,946 --> 00:05:13,576 - Hey, Berta. Merry Christmas. - Thank you, Charlie. 82 00:05:13,751 --> 00:05:16,413 - You're very generous. - Well, I just want you to know... 83 00:05:16,587 --> 00:05:18,452 ...that I appreciate your hard work. 84 00:05:18,623 --> 00:05:21,751 And I appreciate you pretending I work hard. 85 00:05:22,827 --> 00:05:26,285 - Hey, you feeling lucky? - What do you got in mind? 86 00:05:26,464 --> 00:05:30,400 My Christmas bonus, double or nothing that Zrbnck makes the field goal. 87 00:05:30,768 --> 00:05:34,101 Are you crazy? That's 52 yards. He hasn't made one that long all year. 88 00:05:34,272 --> 00:05:37,241 - I got a hunch. - And you got a bet. 89 00:05:37,408 --> 00:05:40,639 There's the snap. The kick is up. It's long enough, but wide. 90 00:05:40,845 --> 00:05:44,975 It's no good. Zrbnck's missed another one. 91 00:05:45,149 --> 00:05:47,982 Well, happy birthday, Jesus. 92 00:05:51,622 --> 00:05:56,059 - Told you. - No biggie. Easy come, easy go. 93 00:05:56,394 --> 00:05:57,452 Sorry. 94 00:05:57,628 --> 00:06:01,587 Looks like the grandkids are getting beef jerky and lotto scratchers this year. 95 00:06:05,136 --> 00:06:06,626 Here. 96 00:06:06,804 --> 00:06:09,068 - You're too kind. - Don't mention it. 97 00:06:09,240 --> 00:06:12,175 - You got a big heart. - Thank you. 98 00:06:12,377 --> 00:06:15,471 Double or nothing they don't make first down. 99 00:06:16,781 --> 00:06:18,681 - Hey. - Oh, hey. Where you been? 100 00:06:18,850 --> 00:06:20,317 - Out on the beach. So? 101 00:06:20,485 --> 00:06:22,976 - How'd it go? Fine. I'm getting her a grape soda. 102 00:06:23,154 --> 00:06:25,520 No, no, no, you don't bring the grape soda to her. 103 00:06:25,690 --> 00:06:28,158 - You bring her to the grape soda. - Her who? 104 00:06:28,326 --> 00:06:32,126 Hang on. You bring her here, she sees your beautiful house... 105 00:06:32,296 --> 00:06:35,959 ...she thinks you got it going on, and then you got a shot at... 106 00:06:37,535 --> 00:06:40,834 Well, I don't know what you got a shot at, but you got a shot. 107 00:06:41,005 --> 00:06:43,530 - Whoa, whoa, catch me up. - You see what I'm saying? 108 00:06:43,708 --> 00:06:46,199 - So I should bring her here? - Absolutely. 109 00:06:46,411 --> 00:06:49,039 Women love this house. It's an aphrodisiac. 110 00:06:49,213 --> 00:06:51,909 I don't think she's Afro-anything. 111 00:06:53,684 --> 00:06:57,211 - She's more like Chinese. - Wait. Who's Chinese? What's going on? 112 00:06:57,388 --> 00:07:00,323 - He met a girl, and I'm helping him out. - What about Celeste? 113 00:07:00,491 --> 00:07:03,949 Uncle Charlie said my life shouldn't stop just because she's not around. 114 00:07:04,128 --> 00:07:06,790 So you're encouraging my son to cheat on his girlfriend? 115 00:07:06,964 --> 00:07:09,398 There's no cheating going on. Are you cheating? 116 00:07:09,567 --> 00:07:11,125 - I'm not sure. - You're not. 117 00:07:11,302 --> 00:07:15,238 He is. How would you feel if Celeste was flirting with some other guy? 118 00:07:15,406 --> 00:07:17,704 - How do you know she's not? - She's with her mom. 119 00:07:17,875 --> 00:07:21,333 And you're with your dad, but that's not stopping you, is it? 120 00:07:21,846 --> 00:07:24,406 - Good point. - No, no, it's a lousy point. 121 00:07:24,582 --> 00:07:27,380 Relationships are built on trust and mutual respect. 122 00:07:27,552 --> 00:07:31,818 Oh, grow up. Relationships are built on diamond earrings and Viagra. 123 00:07:33,591 --> 00:07:35,684 Now, go take the young lady her grape soda. 124 00:07:35,860 --> 00:07:39,557 I still think it would help if I had some corn-dog money to flash around. 125 00:07:39,730 --> 00:07:41,357 Go. 126 00:07:43,201 --> 00:07:45,226 - Shame on you. - Well, what's the big deal? 127 00:07:45,403 --> 00:07:47,871 It's not like he and Celeste are sleeping together. 128 00:07:48,039 --> 00:07:50,735 No, but once a relationship reaches any physical level... 129 00:07:50,908 --> 00:07:53,035 ...there's an implied commitment. - Yeah. 130 00:07:53,211 --> 00:07:56,772 That's because you married the first girl who touched your wiener. 131 00:07:57,348 --> 00:07:58,508 Not true. 132 00:07:58,683 --> 00:08:01,584 The first girl who touched my wiener was Maxine Chernakoff... 133 00:08:01,752 --> 00:08:04,550 ...and she refused to marry me. 134 00:08:07,391 --> 00:08:10,690 As did the blind girl at camp, the school nurse... 135 00:08:10,862 --> 00:08:13,626 ...and crazy cousin Wendy. 136 00:08:19,437 --> 00:08:21,769 I hope you're proud of yourself. 137 00:08:21,939 --> 00:08:24,931 I'm more proud of him. I mean, he actually got her back here... 138 00:08:25,109 --> 00:08:28,806 ...without hitting her over the head and stuffing her in a burlap sack. 139 00:08:30,515 --> 00:08:32,574 Pretty girl. - Yep. 140 00:08:32,750 --> 00:08:35,583 You'd think she'd have more self-esteem. 141 00:08:36,320 --> 00:08:37,912 Hey, Jake may be dull-witted... 142 00:08:38,089 --> 00:08:40,785 ...but he has a certain je ne sais quoi with the ladies. 143 00:08:40,958 --> 00:08:44,121 Maybe six years of picking his underwear up with a rake... 144 00:08:44,295 --> 00:08:46,286 ...has made me immune to his charms. 145 00:08:49,400 --> 00:08:50,458 - Hey. - Hey. 146 00:08:50,635 --> 00:08:52,967 Nice work talking her into coming back here. 147 00:08:53,137 --> 00:08:56,004 I didn't really talk her into it. She had to pee. 148 00:08:56,173 --> 00:09:00,109 Yeah, but you gave her the grape soda that made it happen. 149 00:09:00,278 --> 00:09:03,770 Now, Jake, you're just hanging out with this girl, right? As friends? 150 00:09:03,948 --> 00:09:05,575 - So far. - What does that mean? 151 00:09:05,750 --> 00:09:07,945 It means I haven't made my move yet. 152 00:09:08,119 --> 00:09:10,019 - What move? - I'm not sure. 153 00:09:10,187 --> 00:09:14,317 That's why I haven't made it yet. I don't think it's gonna get serious. 154 00:09:14,492 --> 00:09:16,790 - She doesn't even live here. - She doesn't? 155 00:09:16,961 --> 00:09:19,293 She's in town for the holidays visiting her aunt. 156 00:09:19,463 --> 00:09:22,193 She pronounced it "aunt," but I figured it out. 157 00:09:22,366 --> 00:09:25,597 Oh, dude, you have hit the jackpot here. 158 00:09:25,770 --> 00:09:27,704 - I have? - This girl is most likely... 159 00:09:27,872 --> 00:09:30,602 ...looking for a hot story to tell her friends back home. 160 00:09:30,775 --> 00:09:35,371 And you, you cute little clueless bastard, can be the star of that story. 161 00:09:35,546 --> 00:09:37,104 - Really? - Yeah. 162 00:09:37,281 --> 00:09:39,613 So stop wasting time. What are you doing in here? 163 00:09:39,784 --> 00:09:42,776 I had to fart, and I didn't wanna do it in front of her. 164 00:09:43,955 --> 00:09:46,116 Attaboy. Good thinking. 165 00:09:46,490 --> 00:09:48,685 - I thought it was you. - I thought it was you. 166 00:09:50,728 --> 00:09:51,888 Oh, that must be Mom. 167 00:09:52,063 --> 00:09:55,191 - Mom? What's Mom doing here? - Well, it's Christmas Eve, Charlie. 168 00:09:55,366 --> 00:09:58,460 I know. Why isn't she out stealing toys in Whoville? 169 00:10:01,505 --> 00:10:03,973 Merry Christmas, one and all. 170 00:10:04,141 --> 00:10:05,574 Oh, hello. - Hi, Mom. 171 00:10:05,743 --> 00:10:10,373 Boys, this is legendary TV producer Mr. Marty Pepper. 172 00:10:10,548 --> 00:10:11,674 - Hi. - Hello. 173 00:10:11,849 --> 00:10:15,580 Marty, these are my sons, Charlie and Alan. 174 00:10:15,753 --> 00:10:18,551 Is it important which is which? 175 00:10:19,523 --> 00:10:20,990 Not really. 176 00:10:21,158 --> 00:10:23,524 Would you help me with the wheelchair? 177 00:10:23,694 --> 00:10:29,564 I'll call you Scooter, and you Dutch. 178 00:10:31,569 --> 00:10:35,562 - Mom, are you and he? - Oh, good Lord, no. 179 00:10:35,740 --> 00:10:37,867 The man is 1000 years old. 180 00:10:38,042 --> 00:10:41,068 It's a wonder his scrotum doesn't get tangled up in the wheels. 181 00:10:42,647 --> 00:10:44,877 - So he's just a friend? - Yes. 182 00:10:45,049 --> 00:10:48,246 And I just couldn't let him spend Christmas Eve alone... 183 00:10:48,419 --> 00:10:51,582 ...rattling around his 25,000-square-foot Beverly Hills mansion... 184 00:10:51,756 --> 00:10:54,623 ...with adjoining guesthouse, Olympic-size saltwater pool... 185 00:10:54,792 --> 00:10:56,123 ...and home theater. 186 00:10:56,293 --> 00:11:00,354 - There it is. - Are you really this hard up for a listing? 187 00:11:01,198 --> 00:11:06,431 Alan, it's a 60-million-dollar home. My commission will be almost 2 million. 188 00:11:06,604 --> 00:11:08,401 How much did you make last year? 189 00:11:09,807 --> 00:11:14,437 - Welcome to our home, Mr. Pepper. - What are you shouting for? 190 00:11:14,612 --> 00:11:18,070 - I'm incontinent, not deaf. - Sorry. 191 00:11:18,249 --> 00:11:19,443 What? 192 00:11:21,218 --> 00:11:24,881 - Have an Abba-Zaba, Marty. - Thank you. 193 00:11:25,056 --> 00:11:29,755 - Did I ever tell you I knew Lucille Ball? - Yes, you did, dear. 194 00:11:29,927 --> 00:11:32,725 You know, she wasn't a real redhead. 195 00:11:32,897 --> 00:11:35,229 Ask me how I know. 196 00:11:35,399 --> 00:11:37,890 Warning: It's dirty. 197 00:11:39,203 --> 00:11:41,728 I think Celeste knows I'm seeing another woman. 198 00:11:41,906 --> 00:11:44,067 - What? Why? - She's texting me. 199 00:11:44,241 --> 00:11:46,106 - What are you talking about? - Nothing. 200 00:11:46,277 --> 00:11:48,404 Jake has a shot at some out-of-town strange. 201 00:11:48,579 --> 00:11:50,672 You see how he is corrupting your grandson? 202 00:11:50,848 --> 00:11:53,976 Oh, come on, Alan, it's out-of-town strange. 203 00:11:56,087 --> 00:11:57,918 - You really have a shot? - I don't know. 204 00:11:58,089 --> 00:11:59,647 Uncle Charlie seems to think so. 205 00:11:59,824 --> 00:12:04,158 Tell her you wanna get her her own sitcom. Never fails. 206 00:12:05,763 --> 00:12:07,355 There she is again. What do I do? 207 00:12:07,531 --> 00:12:11,160 Just text her back, "Thinking of you," which you are, so you're not lying. 208 00:12:11,335 --> 00:12:13,303 - That's good. - This may be your house... 209 00:12:13,471 --> 00:12:16,463 ...but this is my son. - You've been living here seven years... 210 00:12:16,640 --> 00:12:20,007 ...which makes us a common-law couple, which makes him our son. 211 00:12:21,145 --> 00:12:25,275 Homos with a kid! A great idea for a sitcom. 212 00:12:27,151 --> 00:12:29,813 It worked. She wrote back, "Merry Christmas. I miz you." 213 00:12:29,987 --> 00:12:34,856 - Then write back, "I miz you too." - Man, you are good. 214 00:12:36,994 --> 00:12:40,361 Look at that. Our little boy is growing up. 215 00:12:40,531 --> 00:12:43,557 How would you feel about us having another child? 216 00:12:51,275 --> 00:12:53,937 Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock 217 00:12:54,845 --> 00:12:57,837 Jingle bells swing and jingle bells ring 218 00:12:58,382 --> 00:13:01,351 Snowing and blowing up bushels of fun 219 00:13:02,253 --> 00:13:05,154 Now the jingle hop has begun 220 00:13:05,556 --> 00:13:08,491 Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock 221 00:13:09,160 --> 00:13:12,357 Jingle bells chime in jingle bell time 222 00:13:12,730 --> 00:13:16,029 Dancing and prancing in Jingle Bell Square 223 00:13:16,700 --> 00:13:18,964 In the frosty air 224 00:13:19,303 --> 00:13:22,739 What a bright time, it's the right time 225 00:13:22,907 --> 00:13:25,239 To rock the night away 226 00:13:26,577 --> 00:13:29,910 Jingle bell time is a swell time 227 00:13:30,781 --> 00:13:33,773 To go gliding in a one-horse sleigh 228 00:13:33,951 --> 00:13:36,920 Giddy-up jingle horse, pick up your feet 229 00:13:37,288 --> 00:13:39,313 Jingle around the clock 230 00:13:39,657 --> 00:13:43,320 - Alan. - Mix and mingle with the jingling feet 231 00:13:43,594 --> 00:13:45,858 - Alan. - That's the jingle bell 232 00:13:46,464 --> 00:13:50,366 - That's the jingle bell... - Alan! 233 00:14:00,444 --> 00:14:03,641 Forty years ago, you asked for a little brother for Christmas. 234 00:14:04,114 --> 00:14:06,014 Happy? 235 00:14:07,284 --> 00:14:10,879 That's the jingle bell rock! 236 00:14:16,293 --> 00:14:17,760 Can somebody move me? 237 00:14:17,928 --> 00:14:21,489 My chestnuts are roasting by this open fire. 238 00:14:22,633 --> 00:14:26,626 Is that you? I thought Alan burned the ham. 239 00:14:30,341 --> 00:14:33,538 Berta, don't you wanna spend Christmas with your family? 240 00:14:33,711 --> 00:14:36,009 Do you wanna spend Christmas with yours? 241 00:14:37,114 --> 00:14:38,376 Let me freshen your drink. 242 00:14:40,718 --> 00:14:43,846 What is that fragrance you're wearing, my dear? 243 00:14:44,321 --> 00:14:46,346 Ben-Gay and foot powder. 244 00:14:47,791 --> 00:14:51,386 Whatever it is, it's making me hot. 245 00:14:52,196 --> 00:14:55,461 Turkey's almost done. Aren't you gonna put on some nice clothes? 246 00:14:55,633 --> 00:14:59,160 Why? It's just gonna be you, me, Chelsea, Berta, Mom... 247 00:14:59,336 --> 00:15:01,600 ...and the Ghost of Show Biz Past. 248 00:15:01,772 --> 00:15:02,864 Well, and Jake. 249 00:15:03,040 --> 00:15:05,235 - No. Jake split. - What? 250 00:15:05,409 --> 00:15:08,003 - He's hanging with his new girlfriend. - Where? 251 00:15:08,178 --> 00:15:11,113 Her aunt's house. I think they got the place to themselves... 252 00:15:11,282 --> 00:15:14,718 ...so he might get a little, you know, peace on earth tonight. 253 00:15:15,386 --> 00:15:17,854 How do you make everything sound dirty? 254 00:15:18,022 --> 00:15:19,284 Hey, I took the high road. 255 00:15:19,456 --> 00:15:22,653 I could've gone with, "Come, all ye faithful." 256 00:15:24,895 --> 00:15:26,863 - He needs to be home. - Oh, come on, Alan. 257 00:15:27,031 --> 00:15:29,932 - He's got a real shot with that girl. - It's Christmas Eve. 258 00:15:30,100 --> 00:15:33,467 - So? - So if I can't get laid, nobody gets laid. 259 00:15:34,038 --> 00:15:37,804 This is your father. Whatever you're doing, stop it and get your ass home. 260 00:15:37,975 --> 00:15:40,910 - What's he doing? Decking her hall? - Shut up. 261 00:15:42,346 --> 00:15:44,814 No, right now, mister. 262 00:15:45,416 --> 00:15:48,408 Fine, bring her back here if you want. 263 00:15:48,619 --> 00:15:50,246 Yes, there's still pie left. 264 00:15:54,425 --> 00:15:55,915 What are you looking at? 265 00:16:01,131 --> 00:16:04,589 How would you like to have your own sitcom? 266 00:16:05,536 --> 00:16:08,835 - Hi. Is Jake home? I don't know. 267 00:16:09,006 --> 00:16:12,498 Sorry to intrude, but Celeste wanted to give Jake his Christmas present. 268 00:16:12,676 --> 00:16:15,144 Please come in. - Ah, crap. 269 00:16:16,046 --> 00:16:18,378 Wow, check out the mom. 270 00:16:18,549 --> 00:16:21,177 Forget the mom. Get rid of them before Jake walks in... 271 00:16:21,352 --> 00:16:23,513 ...with another girl. - Yeah, yeah. Good idea. 272 00:16:23,687 --> 00:16:27,282 Hi. Hi. I'm Alan, Jake's divorced father. 273 00:16:27,791 --> 00:16:30,885 - Keisha, Celeste's mother. - Her mother? 274 00:16:31,061 --> 00:16:33,962 - Oh, please. You look like her sister. - You're sweet. 275 00:16:34,131 --> 00:16:35,621 And single. 276 00:16:35,799 --> 00:16:37,266 Where's Jake? 277 00:16:38,035 --> 00:16:41,937 - Uh. Um, uh, uh, the... - Actually... 278 00:16:42,106 --> 00:16:46,133 ...he's, uh, distributing corn dogs to the homeless tonight. 279 00:16:47,478 --> 00:16:49,412 But we'll make sure he gets your gift. 280 00:16:49,580 --> 00:16:52,208 Thanks for stopping by. Merry Christmas. 281 00:16:53,951 --> 00:16:56,977 - Jake? - Oh, hi. 282 00:16:57,154 --> 00:16:58,451 Who's this? 283 00:16:59,289 --> 00:17:02,383 Um, I don't know. 284 00:17:04,762 --> 00:17:07,856 - Who's she? - Uh, Uncle Charlie? 285 00:17:08,732 --> 00:17:10,996 I don't know what to tell you, pal. 286 00:17:11,702 --> 00:17:13,397 It happens. 287 00:17:14,138 --> 00:17:17,005 - You said you didn't have a girlfriend. - He doesn't. 288 00:17:17,207 --> 00:17:20,176 - Would you like some eggnog? - You've got to be kidding. 289 00:17:22,079 --> 00:17:24,912 - You want some pie? - You are such a liar. 290 00:17:25,416 --> 00:17:27,441 Why all the yelling? What's going on? 291 00:17:27,618 --> 00:17:30,212 - Uncle Charlie just ruined my life. - What? 292 00:17:30,387 --> 00:17:34,289 He said it was okay to see other girls as long as my girlfriend wasn't around. 293 00:17:34,458 --> 00:17:39,088 - Really? Is that what you believe? - No, no, no. Not at all. 294 00:17:39,263 --> 00:17:42,562 He completely misunderstood me. Merry Christmas. 295 00:17:43,801 --> 00:17:45,735 Yeah, right. 296 00:17:45,903 --> 00:17:47,803 Nice going. 297 00:17:51,508 --> 00:17:53,100 Would you like a lick? 298 00:17:54,278 --> 00:17:56,439 Not of that. 299 00:18:09,893 --> 00:18:13,795 - You wanna take your hand off my leg? - I certainly do not. 300 00:18:22,306 --> 00:18:23,603 Love you. 301 00:18:23,774 --> 00:18:26,504 Yeah? Who do you love when I'm not around? 302 00:18:28,345 --> 00:18:31,906 Hey, Uncle Charlie, you really suck, you know that? 303 00:18:32,082 --> 00:18:34,277 Yeah, I've been told. 304 00:18:34,985 --> 00:18:40,013 Listen, Jake, would it be creepy for you if I called Celeste's mom? 305 00:18:40,724 --> 00:18:42,282 Are you insane? 306 00:18:43,827 --> 00:18:45,590 Think about it. 307 00:18:46,797 --> 00:18:49,925 Here you go, sweetie. Bite-size. Easy to chew. 308 00:18:53,170 --> 00:18:54,660 Marty? 309 00:18:54,838 --> 00:18:56,635 God. Marty? 310 00:18:57,141 --> 00:19:00,542 Ha! Just messing with you, you vulture. 311 00:19:00,711 --> 00:19:03,509 She thinks she's gonna sell my house when I'm dead. 312 00:19:03,680 --> 00:19:05,944 But I ain't going. 313 00:19:06,817 --> 00:19:11,049 Oops. Actually, I am going. 314 00:19:13,690 --> 00:19:16,158 Merry Christmas, everybody. 25863

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