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MALE NARRATOR:
We are often told
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00:00:35,704 --> 00:00:41,251
that happily-ever-afters exist only in
the pages of fairy tales
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00:00:41,418 --> 00:00:44,921
and in the naive minds
of sheltered innocents.
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00:00:45,088 --> 00:00:49,134
And yet, on this bright,
sunny, Boston afternoon,
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00:00:49,300 --> 00:00:53,263
a talking teddy bear is about
to marry his girlfriend,
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00:00:53,430 --> 00:00:55,223
proving two things.
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Happy endings can
come true for anyone.
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And America doesn't give
a shit about anything.
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00:01:02,647 --> 00:01:04,649
Do you,
Tami-Lynn McCafferty,
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00:01:05,150 --> 00:01:08,945
take this teddy bear to be
your lawfully wedded husband?
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I do.
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00:01:10,613 --> 00:01:12,157
SAM: And do you, Ted,
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00:01:12,240 --> 00:01:15,785
take this woman to be your
lawfully wedded wife?
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Fuckin' A right, I do!
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(GIGGLES)
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Then, by the power
vested in me,
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I now pronounce you
husband and wife.
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You may kiss the bear.
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00:01:28,923 --> 00:01:30,258
(ALL CHEERING)
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WEDDING ANNOUNCER:
Ladies and gentlemen,your newlyweds!
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(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
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00:01:59,871 --> 00:02:02,415
Teddy, this is
the best day of my life!
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00:02:02,874 --> 00:02:04,417
I just love you so much.
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00:02:04,501 --> 00:02:06,127
I love you, too, baby.
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00:02:06,211 --> 00:02:08,880
I'm gonna go fifty shades
of bear on you tonight.
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00:02:09,214 --> 00:02:10,256
Let's go get shit-faced!
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00:02:10,340 --> 00:02:11,466
Okay!
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00:02:13,802 --> 00:02:14,844
Thank you.
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00:02:19,182 --> 00:02:21,392
Hey, congrats,
you mofos.
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00:02:21,476 --> 00:02:22,477
Oh, hey, Guy.
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00:02:22,560 --> 00:02:24,145
Beautiful ceremony.
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00:02:24,312 --> 00:02:26,397
Oh. Thank you so much
for being a part of it.
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00:02:26,564 --> 00:02:28,233
Hey, this is my new boyfriend,
Rick.
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00:02:28,441 --> 00:02:29,442
How you doing?
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00:02:29,567 --> 00:02:30,568
Good, good.
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00:02:30,735 --> 00:02:34,656
He's a gourmet chef.
So he knows how to toss a salad.
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00:02:34,739 --> 00:02:36,282
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
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00:02:39,327 --> 00:02:41,579
Rick and I are actually
about to tie the knot.
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00:02:41,913 --> 00:02:43,665
Oh, you guys
are getting married?
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00:02:43,748 --> 00:02:45,667
No, we're just gonna go home
and tie our dicks together.
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00:02:45,750 --> 00:02:47,168
Ha! Fuck you.
Fuck you.
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00:02:47,252 --> 00:02:48,586
Deal.
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00:02:56,094 --> 00:02:58,263
TED: Hey, buddy.
You okay, there?
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00:02:58,429 --> 00:02:59,722
You look a little down.
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00:02:59,806 --> 00:03:02,517
Are you still shaking off that
hangover from the bachelor party?
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00:03:02,684 --> 00:03:04,394
Oh!
That's nice.
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00:03:04,561 --> 00:03:06,437
Oh, my God.
She's fucking begging for it!
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00:03:06,604 --> 00:03:09,482
(LAUGHS) She's totally begging. Get it.
Get in there.
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00:03:09,566 --> 00:03:11,609
Look at her.
She wants it bad!
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00:03:11,776 --> 00:03:12,861
JOHN: Oh, yeah.
She wants more
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00:03:12,944 --> 00:03:15,196
than just a fucking pizza delivery, huh?
(MEN LAUGHING)
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00:03:15,280 --> 00:03:18,283
TED: That's bigger than the average
bear right there, I tell you.
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00:03:18,449 --> 00:03:21,160
JOHN: You know what's fucked up?
Dude, that's somebody's fucking daughter!
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00:03:21,244 --> 00:03:23,705
MAN: Oh, shit!
Jesus! Come on!
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00:03:24,956 --> 00:03:28,001
I'm fine.
I was thinking about Lori.
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00:03:28,585 --> 00:03:30,753
Oh, Johnny,
come on, man.
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00:03:30,837 --> 00:03:33,339
It's been six months
since you guys got divorced.
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00:03:33,423 --> 00:03:35,300
I know, I know.
It's just that...
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00:03:35,592 --> 00:03:37,635
Being back in
that church again.
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00:03:38,303 --> 00:03:40,584
I mean, everything seemed like
it was gonna be so perfect.
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00:03:40,638 --> 00:03:42,223
Yeah. Well, you're
not the first guy
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00:03:42,307 --> 00:03:43,474
to marry the wrong girl.
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00:03:43,600 --> 00:03:46,352
Hey, hey!
Big day, huh, bud?
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00:03:46,644 --> 00:03:50,481
You guys wanna celebrate with a little
something else, hmm?
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00:03:50,648 --> 00:03:52,901
Oh. Uh, no, thanks, Sam.
Tami-Lynn would kill me
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00:03:52,984 --> 00:03:54,569
if I did drugs
on our wedding day.
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00:03:54,652 --> 00:03:56,279
Ah, she won't notice.
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00:03:56,362 --> 00:03:58,656
I just did a line with a dude
in the men's room
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00:03:58,740 --> 00:04:01,159
and I bet you
can't even spot him.
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00:04:07,332 --> 00:04:08,666
(GLASS BREAKS)
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00:04:09,000 --> 00:04:10,168
Yeah, I'm gonna pass.
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00:04:10,293 --> 00:04:12,045
(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)
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00:04:12,128 --> 00:04:14,923
(SINGING) I'm steppin' outwith my honey
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Can't be bad to feel so good
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00:04:17,342 --> 00:04:19,636
Never felt quite so sunny
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00:04:19,719 --> 00:04:21,596
So I keep on knockin' wood
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00:04:21,679 --> 00:04:24,015
Yeah, steppin' out
with my baby
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00:04:24,182 --> 00:04:26,434
Can't go wrong
'cause I'm in right
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00:04:26,601 --> 00:04:29,145
Ask me when will the day be
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00:04:29,312 --> 00:04:32,607
The big day may be tonight
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TED: This is the best
day of my life!
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00:04:34,859 --> 00:04:36,194
(TEMPO INCREASES)
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00:07:11,641 --> 00:07:12,809
(MUSIC ENDS)
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00:07:25,196 --> 00:07:27,276
I'm starving.
What the hell are you doing over there?
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00:07:27,365 --> 00:07:28,407
I'm curing cancer.
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00:07:28,574 --> 00:07:30,618
I'm cooking your fucking steak.
What do you think I'm doing?
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00:07:30,868 --> 00:07:31,988
What do I think
you're doing?
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00:07:32,036 --> 00:07:33,788
I think you're bleeding us dry,
is what I think you're doing.
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00:07:33,871 --> 00:07:37,542
Look at this, look at this.
$129 at Filene's Basement.
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00:07:37,750 --> 00:07:39,630
What are you buying over there, Tami?
Gold bars?
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00:07:39,710 --> 00:07:41,350
I need clothes for work.
All right, Teddy?
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00:07:41,379 --> 00:07:43,881
What do you mean?
You wear a smock, you're a fucking cashier.
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00:07:43,965 --> 00:07:45,007
Yeah? So are you!
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00:07:45,091 --> 00:07:47,844
Yeah, exactly! And I'm not going out
and buying designer shit!
95
00:07:47,927 --> 00:07:49,053
Oh, no, no, no, no, no!
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00:07:49,178 --> 00:07:51,264
You're just buying weed,
you're just buying drugs.
97
00:07:51,347 --> 00:07:52,348
You should fucking talk!
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00:07:52,431 --> 00:07:55,518
I was talking. I was just talking,
just now, until you interrupted me.
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00:07:55,601 --> 00:07:56,811
Well, I have to
interrupt you or else
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00:07:56,894 --> 00:07:57,895
I never get to
fucking say anything!
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00:07:57,979 --> 00:07:58,980
Are you gonna let
me finish talking?
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00:07:59,063 --> 00:08:00,064
You're always cutting me off!
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00:08:00,148 --> 00:08:01,274
Are you gonna let
me finish talking?
104
00:08:01,357 --> 00:08:02,483
Are you gonna let
me finish talking?
105
00:08:02,567 --> 00:08:03,967
It's important to
look good at work.
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00:08:04,026 --> 00:08:06,112
I am trying to climb
the corporate fence, here!
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00:08:06,195 --> 00:08:07,572
Nobody's in there
to look at your ass!
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00:08:07,655 --> 00:08:08,855
You're acting like an asshole!
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00:08:08,906 --> 00:08:10,491
Oh, what am I
acting like, Tami?
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00:08:10,575 --> 00:08:12,015
You're acting like
a fucking asshole!
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00:08:12,076 --> 00:08:13,661
Like an asshole!
That's what you're acting like!
112
00:08:13,744 --> 00:08:16,581
You don't got to dress like Elizabeth Taylor
to put a yam in a plastic bag!
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00:08:16,706 --> 00:08:18,958
I am the face
of the business! Okay?
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00:08:19,083 --> 00:08:20,793
The face of the business?
So get the fuck off my case!
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00:08:20,877 --> 00:08:23,254
Jesus Christ! Listen to you!
You're delusional!
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00:08:23,337 --> 00:08:25,673
I should've married Robert DiCicco.
I really should've.
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00:08:25,756 --> 00:08:27,175
Fine! Fine!
Go torture that asshole!
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00:08:27,258 --> 00:08:28,509
He treated me good!
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00:08:28,593 --> 00:08:32,346
And (GASPS) he had a dick!
He had an awesome dick!
120
00:08:32,430 --> 00:08:35,600
Oh, newsflash!
Boston whore has seen Italian penis.
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00:08:35,933 --> 00:08:37,852
What the fuck did you
just call me, fucker?
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00:08:37,935 --> 00:08:39,312
What did you fucking say?
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00:08:39,395 --> 00:08:40,688
Jesus!
What the fuck?
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00:08:40,771 --> 00:08:42,773
You wanna call me
a whore?
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00:08:42,940 --> 00:08:44,025
You wanna throw shit?
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00:08:44,108 --> 00:08:45,318
Yeah, I wanna
fucking throw shit!
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00:08:45,401 --> 00:08:46,444
I'll fucking throw shit!
(GRUNTS)
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00:08:46,485 --> 00:08:48,738
Oh. Wow. There, see!
How do you like that?
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00:08:49,113 --> 00:08:50,198
I'm scared, Teddy!
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00:08:50,281 --> 00:08:52,562
I'm really fucking scared of you,
you little fucking bear!
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00:08:52,617 --> 00:08:53,910
NEIGHBOR:
Shut the fuck up!
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00:08:53,993 --> 00:08:55,453
Oh, for Christ's sake!
133
00:08:55,786 --> 00:08:57,330
Hey, you shut the fuck up!
134
00:08:57,413 --> 00:08:58,789
Why don't you come down
and make me, tough guy?
135
00:08:58,873 --> 00:08:59,999
Yeah, why don't you
come up here
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00:09:00,082 --> 00:09:01,375
and make me come
down there, tough guy?
137
00:09:01,459 --> 00:09:03,628
I am gonna come up there
and I'm gonna kick your fucking ass!
138
00:09:03,711 --> 00:09:05,111
Yeah, why don't you
try it, asshole?
139
00:09:05,171 --> 00:09:06,964
Get your ass up here
and kick my ass!
140
00:09:07,048 --> 00:09:08,299
(SHOUTING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
141
00:09:08,382 --> 00:09:09,550
Shut the fuck up,
you stupid bitch!
142
00:09:09,634 --> 00:09:10,634
Hey, shut up, lady!
143
00:09:10,676 --> 00:09:12,637
Run the fuck back
to Russia, you whore!
144
00:09:12,803 --> 00:09:14,055
Get the fuck out of here!
145
00:09:14,138 --> 00:09:15,389
People are trying to sleep!
146
00:09:15,473 --> 00:09:16,474
God damn it!
147
00:09:16,557 --> 00:09:17,642
Shut the fuck up!
148
00:09:18,434 --> 00:09:20,102
Hey, I'm really sorry!
Yeah, me, too.
149
00:09:20,186 --> 00:09:21,520
She's worse than us.
150
00:09:21,604 --> 00:09:22,980
Yeah, she's our enemy now.
151
00:09:23,314 --> 00:09:25,316
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
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00:09:29,487 --> 00:09:30,488
(EXHALES)
153
00:09:30,571 --> 00:09:32,573
Have you guys at least tried
marriage therapy?
154
00:09:32,823 --> 00:09:34,992
Oh, God, yeah.
It was a frigging disaster.
155
00:09:35,076 --> 00:09:37,578
$250 and we didn't
learn a goddamn thing.
156
00:09:37,662 --> 00:09:39,497
$250? Dude,
that's ridiculous!
157
00:09:39,580 --> 00:09:41,165
I mean, doesn't your insurance cover
that or something?
158
00:09:41,290 --> 00:09:44,085
Nah, Tami-Lynn tried
to sign up for Obamacare on the Internet,
159
00:09:44,168 --> 00:09:45,419
but I came back
five minutes later,
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00:09:45,503 --> 00:09:46,837
she was looking
at black cocks.
161
00:09:46,963 --> 00:09:48,506
It seems like every
time you go online,
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00:09:48,589 --> 00:09:50,149
you're two clicks away
from black cocks.
163
00:09:50,258 --> 00:09:51,384
Look.
164
00:09:51,509 --> 00:09:54,178
See, I'll google
"Grand Canyon."
165
00:09:54,387 --> 00:09:56,889
Here. Look, it says,
"Did you mean black cocks?"
166
00:09:57,640 --> 00:09:58,975
I don't know, man.
I got to do something
167
00:09:59,058 --> 00:10:00,658
or my marriage is
gonna collapse. (SIGHS)
168
00:10:01,018 --> 00:10:02,311
Here you go, guys.
169
00:10:02,395 --> 00:10:04,021
We're gonna be
closing in a few,
170
00:10:04,188 --> 00:10:05,648
but I'm going to
this after-hours thing
171
00:10:05,731 --> 00:10:07,451
at my friend's apartment,
if you wanna join.
172
00:10:07,608 --> 00:10:10,736
Oh, thanks, Allison.
But I got an early day tomorrow.
173
00:10:10,861 --> 00:10:12,196
Oh, okay.
174
00:10:13,197 --> 00:10:16,158
Well, if you change your mind,
here's the address.
175
00:10:18,244 --> 00:10:19,745
I put my cell number
on there, too.
176
00:10:22,623 --> 00:10:24,959
Oh, my God!
Are you fucking kidding me?
177
00:10:25,042 --> 00:10:26,085
What?
178
00:10:26,168 --> 00:10:27,336
What do you mean, "What?"
After hours?
179
00:10:27,420 --> 00:10:29,420
Jesus, Johnny,
she totally wants to sleep with you.
180
00:10:29,964 --> 00:10:31,048
I'm not into it.
181
00:10:31,132 --> 00:10:32,967
John, you've been saying that
for over a year-and-a-half
182
00:10:33,050 --> 00:10:34,927
about every chick that
throws herself at you.
183
00:10:35,011 --> 00:10:36,345
You got to get back
in the game, man!
184
00:10:36,429 --> 00:10:37,680
No, don't start
this shit, all right?
185
00:10:37,763 --> 00:10:39,265
Look, I wasted
six years of my life
186
00:10:39,348 --> 00:10:40,788
with the wrong girl
and I got burned.
187
00:10:40,850 --> 00:10:42,601
I'm not gonna make that
same mistake again.
188
00:10:42,893 --> 00:10:44,693
Jesus, Johnny,
you don't got to marry Allison.
189
00:10:44,729 --> 00:10:46,897
You just got to bang her and
maybe pee on her a little.
190
00:10:46,981 --> 00:10:48,190
What?
191
00:10:48,357 --> 00:10:51,319
It's always good to find new
ways to surprise your lover.
192
00:10:51,402 --> 00:10:53,029
Yeah, I got
to take a leak.
193
00:10:54,405 --> 00:10:55,406
(EXHALES)
194
00:10:55,489 --> 00:10:57,074
Sorry, Allison. I tried.
195
00:10:57,241 --> 00:11:00,536
(SIGHS) It's okay.
I just wish he wasn't so goddamn cute.
196
00:11:00,703 --> 00:11:02,413
Yeah. Hey, can I get
a Jack Daniel's
197
00:11:02,496 --> 00:11:04,165
with just a splash
of Grey Goose?
198
00:11:04,498 --> 00:11:06,250
Wish I could help you,
but we're closing.
199
00:11:06,334 --> 00:11:08,544
Come on, one drink and I promise
I won't tell anybody
200
00:11:08,627 --> 00:11:11,088
that Jay Leno comes in here
for gay bathroom sex.
201
00:11:11,213 --> 00:11:13,674
JOHN: Hey, what the fuck are
you doing? Get off of me!
202
00:11:13,841 --> 00:11:15,593
Sorry, my mistake.
203
00:11:22,516 --> 00:11:25,478
(STRAINING) There we go.
Thanks a lot, come again.
204
00:11:32,193 --> 00:11:33,444
Hey.
205
00:11:33,694 --> 00:11:34,695
Hello.
206
00:11:34,904 --> 00:11:38,908
I'd, uh, like to ask a few questions
about this breakfast cereal.
207
00:11:39,241 --> 00:11:41,452
Uh, yeah, yeah.
Box of Trix.
208
00:11:41,702 --> 00:11:42,745
That's right.
209
00:11:42,828 --> 00:11:46,957
I've been led to understand that Trix are
exclusively for children.
210
00:11:47,291 --> 00:11:48,292
Is that correct?
211
00:11:48,834 --> 00:11:52,380
I... I mean, they say, uh,
"Trix are for kids" in the commercials.
212
00:11:52,463 --> 00:11:53,839
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
213
00:11:54,256 --> 00:11:56,425
And is that enforced by law?
214
00:11:57,093 --> 00:11:59,095
Uh, not to my knowledge, no.
215
00:11:59,637 --> 00:12:03,474
So if I purchase these Trix,
there'll be no trouble?
216
00:12:03,849 --> 00:12:05,976
No. No, you...
You should be fine.
217
00:12:06,685 --> 00:12:09,355
You do understand
that I myself am not a child?
218
00:12:09,647 --> 00:12:11,982
Uh, I was able to
sniff that out, yeah.
219
00:12:13,818 --> 00:12:16,153
Okay, I'm going to bring
these back to my apartment.
220
00:12:16,529 --> 00:12:18,656
Uh, yeah, yeah.
You'll... You'll be okay.
221
00:12:18,948 --> 00:12:21,659
And, uh,
I won't be followed?
222
00:12:21,992 --> 00:12:25,204
Uh, no, that's...
That's not in our budget here.
223
00:12:28,582 --> 00:12:29,667
Hey.
224
00:12:30,042 --> 00:12:32,545
I won't forget what you've done
for me here today.
225
00:12:32,711 --> 00:12:34,505
I would prefer that you do.
226
00:12:40,344 --> 00:12:41,846
Jesus Christ.
227
00:12:50,646 --> 00:12:51,856
(SIGHS)
228
00:12:52,481 --> 00:12:54,275
You two still not talking?
229
00:12:54,358 --> 00:12:55,484
No.
230
00:12:55,568 --> 00:12:57,695
Honest to God,
Joy, I don't know how to fix this.
231
00:12:57,778 --> 00:12:58,779
I mean, how the hell
do you take
232
00:12:58,863 --> 00:13:00,531
a broken marriage
and make it work again?
233
00:13:00,698 --> 00:13:03,993
Well, I'll tell you one way.
You have yourselves a baby.
234
00:13:04,160 --> 00:13:05,161
A baby?
235
00:13:05,244 --> 00:13:07,163
Uh-huh. Look at that.
236
00:13:07,246 --> 00:13:08,846
You see them two
white niggas over there?
237
00:13:08,873 --> 00:13:10,833
(INDISTINCT)
Yeah. What?
238
00:13:11,000 --> 00:13:12,626
Look at them.
They're so happy.
239
00:13:12,793 --> 00:13:15,421
Because they got that little baby
keeping them together.
240
00:13:15,588 --> 00:13:17,131
If they didn't have that baby,
241
00:13:17,214 --> 00:13:19,300
they'd just be two
sad-ass white niggas
242
00:13:19,383 --> 00:13:21,010
waiting for
Downtown Abbey to come on.
243
00:13:21,260 --> 00:13:23,804
Why, you said it twice.
Is that an actual phrase?
244
00:13:23,888 --> 00:13:24,972
I'm telling you, Ted,
245
00:13:25,055 --> 00:13:28,184
y'all better have a baby
or your marriage is over. Trust.
246
00:13:31,479 --> 00:13:33,355
(PRICING GUN CLICKING)
247
00:13:38,027 --> 00:13:40,029
Uh, hey.
248
00:13:40,779 --> 00:13:42,114
Go away, Teddy.
249
00:13:42,198 --> 00:13:44,366
Tami, listen, I just
wanna talk to you. Okay?
250
00:13:44,450 --> 00:13:45,993
Will you just listen
to me for one second?
251
00:13:46,076 --> 00:13:47,876
Why? So you can
give me shit about my clothes?
252
00:13:47,912 --> 00:13:50,915
No! Look, I'm sorry about that,
okay? I'm sorry.
253
00:13:50,998 --> 00:13:52,833
I was an asshole
and I didn't mean it.
254
00:13:53,000 --> 00:13:54,335
You know, whatever, Teddy.
255
00:13:54,418 --> 00:13:57,087
Tami, (SIGHS) listen.
I love you.
256
00:13:57,713 --> 00:13:59,006
Okay? And...
And I don't want us
257
00:13:59,089 --> 00:14:01,217
to fight like we've been doing
the past few months.
258
00:14:01,300 --> 00:14:04,094
I don't know, Teddy.
Something's got to change, you know?
259
00:14:04,178 --> 00:14:07,723
Because I can't do this no more.
It's too much.
260
00:14:07,848 --> 00:14:10,518
I know, I know, I know.
And... And that's why...
261
00:14:12,019 --> 00:14:13,771
I wanna have a baby.
262
00:14:15,356 --> 00:14:16,398
You do?
263
00:14:16,565 --> 00:14:17,691
Yeah.
264
00:14:17,775 --> 00:14:20,110
A baby? Like really?
265
00:14:20,277 --> 00:14:21,277
Yeah.
266
00:14:21,320 --> 00:14:23,572
See, I think,
if we got a kid to love,
267
00:14:23,656 --> 00:14:25,866
it'll teach us how to
love each other again.
268
00:14:26,116 --> 00:14:27,952
Oh, my God, Teddy.
269
00:14:28,536 --> 00:14:29,995
You better not be
messing with me.
270
00:14:30,079 --> 00:14:31,539
I swear to God,
not messing with you.
271
00:14:31,622 --> 00:14:33,207
I think you'd make
an awesome mom.
272
00:14:33,290 --> 00:14:34,792
Oh, my God!
Are you kidding me?
273
00:14:34,875 --> 00:14:36,995
I would, like, kick so much ass at mommin'!
(CHUCKLES)
274
00:14:37,127 --> 00:14:38,367
So what do you say?
We all good?
275
00:14:38,420 --> 00:14:39,922
Yes! Oh, I love you!
276
00:14:40,005 --> 00:14:41,131
I love you so much!
277
00:14:41,298 --> 00:14:43,133
Oh, baby, I love you, too!
(SMOOCHES)
278
00:14:43,968 --> 00:14:45,636
Let's make a baby!
Let's make a baby!
279
00:14:45,719 --> 00:14:47,304
(EXCLAIMS)
(KISSES)
280
00:14:52,309 --> 00:14:53,519
(FLICKING LIGHTER)
281
00:14:55,437 --> 00:14:57,157
Okay, you ready?
Oh, shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
282
00:14:57,273 --> 00:14:58,774
Here it comes.
Okay, okay. I'm ready.
283
00:14:58,899 --> 00:15:02,152
(JOHN HUMMING) TED: (SINGING)
Let's all go to court
284
00:15:03,737 --> 00:15:06,907
Let's go make some law now
285
00:15:07,074 --> 00:15:08,993
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
286
00:15:09,076 --> 00:15:11,203
Some law now
287
00:15:11,287 --> 00:15:12,329
I say we go to court!
288
00:15:12,413 --> 00:15:13,581
JOHN: Yes, let's go to court!
289
00:15:13,664 --> 00:15:15,332
TED: We're a bunch of
assholes who take up
290
00:15:15,416 --> 00:15:17,459
a whole hallway
with our conversation.
291
00:15:18,919 --> 00:15:21,088
(SINGING) Hey, you lawyer guys
292
00:15:21,171 --> 00:15:25,175
You don't know me and
Johnny are watching you
293
00:15:25,259 --> 00:15:27,511
While we're high
294
00:15:28,512 --> 00:15:30,139
That was fucking magic.
295
00:15:30,222 --> 00:15:32,391
That felt smooth.
That felt really smooth. Oh!
296
00:15:32,474 --> 00:15:33,684
So in the pocket.
297
00:15:34,059 --> 00:15:36,186
Hey, so, uh, listen,
I got, uh...
298
00:15:36,270 --> 00:15:37,938
I got some big news
to tell ya.
299
00:15:38,230 --> 00:15:39,356
Oh, yeah? What's that?
300
00:15:39,523 --> 00:15:42,860
Tami-Lynn and I are
gonna have a baby!
301
00:15:44,778 --> 00:15:46,530
Holy shit! You?
302
00:15:46,614 --> 00:15:48,198
(CHUCKLES) Yeah, yeah,
we talked about it today.
303
00:15:48,282 --> 00:15:49,908
Dude, that's fucking awesome!
Congratulations!
304
00:15:49,992 --> 00:15:50,993
Thank you!
305
00:15:51,076 --> 00:15:52,911
Wait, wait, wait.
How... How... How do you guys...
306
00:15:52,995 --> 00:15:56,707
Well, yeah, that's the thing. We... We,
uh... We got to find a sperm donor.
307
00:15:57,958 --> 00:15:59,877
And, um, I'm wondering,
what do you think
308
00:15:59,960 --> 00:16:01,795
Sam Jones would say
if I asked him?
309
00:16:02,046 --> 00:16:04,256
You want Flash Gordon
to father your child?
310
00:16:04,340 --> 00:16:05,633
Yeah, I mean,
do you think...
311
00:16:05,716 --> 00:16:07,384
Would that be weird?
Would he be freaked out if I...
312
00:16:07,468 --> 00:16:08,668
No, I think he'd be flattered!
313
00:16:08,719 --> 00:16:11,430
And plus, your baby
will be a fucking superhero!
314
00:16:11,513 --> 00:16:13,515
Well, that was the logic
I arrived at as well.
315
00:16:13,599 --> 00:16:14,808
Yeah, I say do it!
316
00:16:14,892 --> 00:16:16,560
All right. I'll shoot
him an e-mail right now,
317
00:16:16,644 --> 00:16:18,020
and see if I can
stop by tonight.
318
00:16:18,187 --> 00:16:19,396
You come with me?
Sure.
319
00:16:19,480 --> 00:16:20,689
All right, great.
320
00:16:22,983 --> 00:16:23,984
Shit.
321
00:16:24,068 --> 00:16:26,987
I can never get a signal in your
apartment. Hey, can I use your laptop?
322
00:16:27,154 --> 00:16:28,989
Yeah, go ahead.
Okay, thanks.
323
00:16:33,702 --> 00:16:34,828
(SHOUTS)
What the fuck?
324
00:16:34,995 --> 00:16:37,289
Holy shit! Dude, what's the matter?
What happened?
325
00:16:37,373 --> 00:16:38,415
What's going on?
326
00:16:38,499 --> 00:16:40,417
There's so much porn!
327
00:16:40,584 --> 00:16:42,378
Well, what the hell are you doing
looking at my private shit?
328
00:16:42,503 --> 00:16:45,297
What are you talking about, "private shit"?
Johnny, it was wide open!
329
00:16:45,381 --> 00:16:47,174
There are literally
thousands of files here!
330
00:16:47,257 --> 00:16:49,217
Well, I've been meaning
to clear some of that out.
331
00:16:49,259 --> 00:16:51,303
Jesus Christ. Look at
the organization here!
332
00:16:51,387 --> 00:16:54,098
Clockwise rim job.
Counterclockwise rim job!
333
00:16:54,306 --> 00:16:56,600
Yeah, well, sometimes you like seeing
the tongue go the other way!
334
00:16:56,725 --> 00:16:59,603
You sick bastard!
Look at this! Chicks with dicks?
335
00:16:59,895 --> 00:17:03,482
Oh, my God! (SOBS)
I have a disease, all right?
I need help!
336
00:17:03,649 --> 00:17:06,068
There are no chicks with dicks, Johnny!
Only guys with tits!
337
00:17:06,193 --> 00:17:07,486
Oh, this is such a relief!
338
00:17:07,569 --> 00:17:09,780
I'm so glad I'm finally caught.
I wanted to be caught!
339
00:17:09,947 --> 00:17:12,533
Johnny, now you listen to me.
This is a wake-up call, all right?
340
00:17:12,741 --> 00:17:14,702
You got to get back out there
and meet somebody
341
00:17:14,785 --> 00:17:16,620
because you are spiraling
out of control here.
342
00:17:16,704 --> 00:17:19,224
All right, fine, I will.
Just stop looking at that shit, please!
343
00:17:19,373 --> 00:17:20,541
Johnny, I mean it. All right?
344
00:17:20,624 --> 00:17:22,501
The next chick you meet,
you are getting back in the game.
345
00:17:22,710 --> 00:17:23,836
Fine, I got it. Done.
346
00:17:23,961 --> 00:17:25,671
All right.
Now, let's get rid of this.
347
00:17:25,754 --> 00:17:27,673
What do you mean?
We'll just delete the files!
348
00:17:27,756 --> 00:17:29,341
No, no, no. That shit can
always be recovered.
349
00:17:29,425 --> 00:17:31,427
We got to smash your
laptop with a hammer.
350
00:17:38,016 --> 00:17:39,059
All right, there, you happy?
351
00:17:39,143 --> 00:17:41,645
No, the circuits could still be
reconstructed if somebody worked at it.
352
00:17:41,729 --> 00:17:42,980
We got to bury it
in the harbor.
353
00:17:57,953 --> 00:18:01,457
TED: So, uh, basically that's it.
We need a sperm donor.
354
00:18:01,915 --> 00:18:02,958
So what do ya say?
355
00:18:03,083 --> 00:18:04,710
You'd really be
helping me and Tami out.
356
00:18:04,960 --> 00:18:06,462
No can do, my brother.
357
00:18:06,754 --> 00:18:08,172
Well...
Well, why not?
358
00:18:08,505 --> 00:18:10,674
Oh, look, I did a lot
of blow in the '80s
359
00:18:12,009 --> 00:18:14,178
and my sperm count's
a little low.
360
00:18:14,720 --> 00:18:15,721
Oh. How low?
361
00:18:16,180 --> 00:18:17,347
One.
362
00:18:17,431 --> 00:18:18,432
One?
363
00:18:18,515 --> 00:18:22,352
Yeah, little fella's having his own
I Am Legend in my nut sack.
364
00:18:22,561 --> 00:18:24,021
Oh. Can we have that one?
365
00:18:24,104 --> 00:18:27,608
No! Gonna need it for protein
if I ever get lost at sea.
366
00:18:27,775 --> 00:18:29,860
Come on, guys.
I mean, are we done here?
I got to go.
367
00:18:30,194 --> 00:18:33,322
That Sister, Sister marathon
ain't gonna watch itself.
368
00:18:34,031 --> 00:18:36,450
TED: Can't believe it.
That son of a bitch!
369
00:18:36,533 --> 00:18:37,826
That was really
selfish of him.
370
00:18:37,910 --> 00:18:39,286
I know. And after
I watched his
371
00:18:39,369 --> 00:18:41,121
piece-of-shit movie,
like, a hundred times.
372
00:18:41,580 --> 00:18:42,748
God damn it!
373
00:18:42,873 --> 00:18:43,916
(ALARM BLARING)
374
00:18:43,999 --> 00:18:45,000
Ah!
Oh, shit!
375
00:18:50,714 --> 00:18:52,883
Johnny, please, just help me
do this. Okay?
376
00:18:52,966 --> 00:18:54,606
He's the only guy
in the world whose sperm
377
00:18:54,635 --> 00:18:55,886
is even close to
Flash Gordon's.
378
00:18:55,969 --> 00:18:58,138
Ted, it's insane.
We could get in a lot of trouble.
379
00:18:58,305 --> 00:18:59,681
But not if nobody finds out.
380
00:18:59,765 --> 00:19:00,808
Look, look, John, John.
381
00:19:00,891 --> 00:19:03,227
We sneak into his house,
jerk him off in his sleep
382
00:19:03,310 --> 00:19:05,030
and sneak out with the sperm.
It'll be easy!
383
00:19:05,312 --> 00:19:07,189
And think how awesome
the baby will be.
384
00:19:07,773 --> 00:19:09,775
Would be
a sweet-ass fucking baby.
385
00:19:11,068 --> 00:19:13,612
All right, I'll help you.
But we got to have a game plan.
386
00:19:21,411 --> 00:19:22,913
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
387
00:19:23,622 --> 00:19:25,249
(SIGHING)
388
00:19:25,833 --> 00:19:27,292
(SOFTLY) Just calm down.
389
00:19:29,378 --> 00:19:30,462
Yeah, can I help you?
390
00:19:31,380 --> 00:19:34,675
Hey! Um, are you,
uh, Tom Brady?
391
00:19:35,092 --> 00:19:36,093
Yeah.
392
00:19:36,218 --> 00:19:37,344
JOHN: Um, hey. Um...
393
00:19:37,594 --> 00:19:38,594
Your neighbors called,
394
00:19:38,637 --> 00:19:40,138
and your air conditioner's
making a loud noise
395
00:19:40,222 --> 00:19:41,849
so I'm supposed to
check out the unit.
396
00:19:41,932 --> 00:19:43,350
Uh, okay.
Yeah, it's around back.
397
00:19:43,433 --> 00:19:45,811
Okay. Um, I just may need
a signature in case
398
00:19:45,894 --> 00:19:47,494
I got to get some parts,
for the billing.
399
00:19:48,146 --> 00:19:51,608
You could just, uh, write that to
John and Ted. Put number 12.
400
00:19:52,234 --> 00:19:55,028
And you're not a cheater.
I mean, I think your balls are perfect.
401
00:19:55,112 --> 00:19:56,947
It's around back.
All right. Yeah.
402
00:20:09,459 --> 00:20:10,669
(CRACKLING)
403
00:20:20,387 --> 00:20:22,139
Stupid idiot.
404
00:20:28,812 --> 00:20:30,188
TED: Okay. Go, go, go!
405
00:20:46,663 --> 00:20:48,582
Take the damn raincoat off.
It's making too much noise.
406
00:20:48,665 --> 00:20:50,834
Piss off! I don't wanna get
any jizz on me!
407
00:21:01,970 --> 00:21:05,057
Two League MVPs,
four Super Bowl rings,
408
00:21:05,307 --> 00:21:07,893
guaranteed first
ballot Hall of Famer.
409
00:21:08,018 --> 00:21:10,729
Now let's give him a handjob
into this red Solo cup.
410
00:21:10,854 --> 00:21:12,314
(WHISPERS)
All right. Go ahead.
411
00:21:12,481 --> 00:21:14,561
Wait, what do you mean,
"Go ahead"? You got to do it.
412
00:21:15,192 --> 00:21:17,110
What are you talking about?
You're the one who needs the sperm.
413
00:21:17,194 --> 00:21:18,570
Yeah, but it's got
to be a human hand.
414
00:21:18,654 --> 00:21:20,447
It's got to be skin on skin,
otherwise it doesn't work.
415
00:21:20,614 --> 00:21:21,974
No, it doesn't.
It's just friction.
416
00:21:22,032 --> 00:21:23,784
Look, I've never done this before.
Neither have I.
417
00:21:23,867 --> 00:21:25,702
You do it to yourself.
Yeah, but that's different.
418
00:21:25,827 --> 00:21:28,413
You're an adult with a poster of
this guy in your fucking room.
419
00:21:28,497 --> 00:21:29,977
You're telling me
you don't want this?
420
00:21:30,332 --> 00:21:32,793
Yeah, I want it! You know I want it,
but I'm nervous.
421
00:21:32,876 --> 00:21:35,003
What if he doesn't like the way
I'm doing it? He deserves the best!
422
00:21:35,087 --> 00:21:36,213
Pull yourself together,
for God's sakes.
423
00:21:36,296 --> 00:21:37,547
He's gonna love it.
Go, go, go!
424
00:21:38,632 --> 00:21:39,883
All right.
425
00:21:42,135 --> 00:21:43,470
(GASPS)
426
00:21:43,553 --> 00:21:45,597
Sweet God and baby Jesus.
427
00:21:45,681 --> 00:21:46,682
(BREATHES SHAKILY)
428
00:21:46,765 --> 00:21:48,725
And that's at rest.
429
00:21:49,601 --> 00:21:50,727
(SHOUTS) What the hell?
430
00:21:50,811 --> 00:21:52,229
Mr. Brady, we just need
a moment of your time.
431
00:21:52,312 --> 00:21:53,752
What are you doing here?
Who are you?
432
00:21:53,814 --> 00:21:54,815
Get out of my house!
433
00:21:55,023 --> 00:21:56,274
(INDISTINCT TALKING)
434
00:21:56,733 --> 00:21:57,818
TED: Oh, God!
Ahhh!
435
00:21:59,528 --> 00:22:00,608
(STUTTERS) Wait, Mr. Brady!
436
00:22:00,654 --> 00:22:02,489
Take your goddamn
teddy bear with you!
437
00:22:02,614 --> 00:22:04,157
(TED YELLS)
438
00:22:04,241 --> 00:22:06,493
Holy shit!
Perfect spiral!
439
00:22:06,576 --> 00:22:08,036
Come on,
let's get out of here!
440
00:22:17,045 --> 00:22:18,088
Shit!
441
00:22:18,255 --> 00:22:19,589
What the hell do we do now?
442
00:22:19,673 --> 00:22:20,924
(PANTING)
443
00:22:21,717 --> 00:22:23,077
Hey, Ted, let me
ask you something.
444
00:22:23,218 --> 00:22:24,428
What's that?
445
00:22:24,928 --> 00:22:26,304
Why didn't you
just come to me?
446
00:22:26,888 --> 00:22:28,056
What are you talking about?
447
00:22:28,140 --> 00:22:29,474
For the sperm.
448
00:22:29,808 --> 00:22:34,563
Oh. Johnny, you kidding me, man?
You were the first person I wanted to go to.
449
00:22:35,022 --> 00:22:36,690
But you've just
been so bummed out
450
00:22:36,773 --> 00:22:37,899
over your divorce lately
451
00:22:38,025 --> 00:22:41,528
that I just... You know, I didn't want
to put you in an awkward position.
452
00:22:41,778 --> 00:22:43,196
And plus,
after seeing your laptop,
453
00:22:43,280 --> 00:22:44,781
I didn't think
you had any left.
454
00:22:45,115 --> 00:22:47,617
Just so you know,
I'm totally willing to do it.
455
00:22:48,201 --> 00:22:51,496
Really? You'd...
You'd do that for me?
456
00:22:51,747 --> 00:22:54,041
Ted, you're my best friend.
I'd do anything for you.
457
00:22:54,791 --> 00:22:58,295
Besides, we just broke into Tom Brady's
house and tried to jerk him off...
458
00:22:58,378 --> 00:23:00,005
You're ready to be a parent.
459
00:23:00,505 --> 00:23:02,215
God... (CHUCKLES)
460
00:23:02,299 --> 00:23:04,092
I don't know what to say.
461
00:23:04,301 --> 00:23:07,429
Johnny, thank you!
Thank you so much!
462
00:23:07,637 --> 00:23:10,390
Hey, thunder buddies
for life, remember?
463
00:23:10,766 --> 00:23:12,601
Thunder buddies for life.
464
00:23:12,768 --> 00:23:15,479
Come on. We got to get out of here
before the cops show up.
465
00:23:15,562 --> 00:23:19,608
MALE OFFICER: All units,we have a 3-17 on Maple Drive.Area units, please respond.
466
00:23:19,775 --> 00:23:21,276
What's a 3-17?
467
00:23:21,443 --> 00:23:24,321
Someone's trying to steal
Tom Brady's jizz again.
468
00:23:25,864 --> 00:23:27,783
(SIREN BLARING)
(TIRES SCREECH)
469
00:23:37,501 --> 00:23:39,002
What is that?
What?
470
00:23:39,086 --> 00:23:40,670
What are you doing?
I'm getting ready, dude.
471
00:23:40,754 --> 00:23:41,755
What do you mean
you're getting ready?
472
00:23:41,838 --> 00:23:43,090
What are you doing
to your hand?
473
00:23:43,173 --> 00:23:45,759
I'm doing this for you.
I'm getting ready.
I got to go in and perform.
474
00:23:45,842 --> 00:23:47,427
You got your hand on your dick.
What are you doing?
475
00:23:47,511 --> 00:23:48,762
I'm trying
to get it half hard,
476
00:23:48,845 --> 00:23:50,347
so when I get in there
I could just bust it out.
477
00:23:50,430 --> 00:23:52,224
Sitting out here in public,
jerking off?
478
00:23:52,307 --> 00:23:54,059
Where do you think you are?
Red Lobster?
What are you doing?
479
00:23:54,142 --> 00:23:55,435
What do you think
I got to do in there?
480
00:23:55,519 --> 00:23:56,895
Forget it.
Now, look, you haven't
481
00:23:56,978 --> 00:23:58,730
smoked pot for two
whole days, right?
482
00:23:58,814 --> 00:24:01,399
Yes, I told you, I'm clean, all right?
Your baby's gonna be fine.
483
00:24:01,525 --> 00:24:03,360
I'm sorry,
I just don't want something
484
00:24:03,443 --> 00:24:05,862
I got to feed with
a pitchfork when he's 16.
485
00:24:06,154 --> 00:24:07,364
"John Bennett."
486
00:24:07,447 --> 00:24:08,448
Hi.
487
00:24:08,532 --> 00:24:11,201
Right this way. I'll show you where to
deposit your specimen.
488
00:24:11,827 --> 00:24:13,537
Hey, Johnny. Johnny.
489
00:24:16,706 --> 00:24:18,041
(CHUCKLES)
490
00:24:23,463 --> 00:24:24,965
I'm John Bennett.
491
00:24:25,215 --> 00:24:27,134
(LAUGHS) I know,
I just said your name.
492
00:24:27,217 --> 00:24:29,803
Oh, right, yeah, sorry,
I'm just a little nervous.
493
00:24:29,886 --> 00:24:32,013
I've been out of
the game for a while.
494
00:24:32,222 --> 00:24:33,265
The game?
495
00:24:33,348 --> 00:24:37,435
I don't talk to pretty girls that often.
Pretty women, ladies.
496
00:24:38,061 --> 00:24:39,187
I see.
497
00:24:40,063 --> 00:24:41,743
Hey, when I'm done here,
how about a drink?
498
00:24:43,066 --> 00:24:46,403
(STAMMERS) Oh. I don't mean this.
I meant, like, a regular drink.
499
00:24:46,570 --> 00:24:48,071
I have a boyfriend.
500
00:24:48,780 --> 00:24:52,325
Oh. Yeah, okay, yeah.
Too bad. You're missing out on a great guy.
501
00:24:52,450 --> 00:24:55,495
Um, do I just spit in
my hand or do I get
502
00:24:55,579 --> 00:24:57,706
a lube or something?
A magazine?
503
00:24:57,956 --> 00:24:59,624
Video? I like Asian
teen stuff preferably.
504
00:24:59,708 --> 00:25:00,708
There's lube right there.
505
00:25:00,750 --> 00:25:02,502
All right,
yeah, thanks.
506
00:25:07,799 --> 00:25:10,677
Uh, excuse me.
Where's your non-jerk-off bathroom?
507
00:25:10,760 --> 00:25:12,137
Down that hallway,
to the left.
508
00:25:12,262 --> 00:25:13,638
Okay, thanks.
509
00:25:20,061 --> 00:25:21,521
Oh. No way!
(CHUCKLES)
510
00:25:22,731 --> 00:25:26,193
Oh, hey, Doc, is this where you guys
store all the, uh, stuff?
511
00:25:27,068 --> 00:25:30,030
It's the intermediary station
before insemination.
512
00:25:30,113 --> 00:25:31,239
Are you submitting?
513
00:25:31,323 --> 00:25:34,534
No. My friend is, uh, yanking out
a sample in one of the rooms.
514
00:25:35,243 --> 00:25:36,411
Oh, well, that's a good friend.
Yeah.
515
00:25:36,494 --> 00:25:37,537
I'm Dr. Danzer.
516
00:25:37,621 --> 00:25:38,705
Oh, cool. (CHUCKLES)
517
00:25:38,788 --> 00:25:42,500
(SINGING)
Hold me closer, Dr. Danzer
518
00:25:42,584 --> 00:25:43,704
Yeah, whatever,
I don't know.
519
00:25:43,752 --> 00:25:47,547
Now, wait. You look familiar.
Are you that teddy bear who came alive?
520
00:25:47,714 --> 00:25:49,049
I am. That's me, yeah.
521
00:25:49,132 --> 00:25:50,175
See, I was trying
to figure out
522
00:25:50,258 --> 00:25:51,551
where I'd seen you
before and that's it.
523
00:25:51,635 --> 00:25:52,719
Good eye, good eye.
524
00:25:52,802 --> 00:25:56,223
So, how did you get into this line
of work? Do you just love cum?
525
00:25:56,723 --> 00:25:57,724
Uh, uh...
526
00:25:57,807 --> 00:25:59,935
Not especially, but I love
helping good people
527
00:26:00,018 --> 00:26:01,811
fulfill their dreams
of having children.
528
00:26:01,895 --> 00:26:04,022
It's amazing
what we can do here.
529
00:26:04,481 --> 00:26:06,149
You want to have a look?
530
00:26:06,316 --> 00:26:07,776
Yeah, sure.
531
00:26:09,527 --> 00:26:13,323
This is where we perform our
pre-implantation genetic diagnosis.
532
00:26:13,406 --> 00:26:15,367
We can eliminate
hereditary diseases,
533
00:26:15,450 --> 00:26:18,620
such as cystic fibrosis,
muscular dystrophy, sickle-cell anemia.
534
00:26:18,745 --> 00:26:20,413
The list goes on and on, really.
535
00:26:20,497 --> 00:26:21,539
Wow.
536
00:26:22,082 --> 00:26:23,750
Hey, Johnny! You did it!
537
00:26:23,833 --> 00:26:24,834
Right here, buddy.
538
00:26:24,960 --> 00:26:26,670
Ew. I mean, awesome!
(CHUCKLES)
539
00:26:27,212 --> 00:26:29,047
Excuse me, Doctor,
your wife's on the phone.
540
00:26:29,130 --> 00:26:30,423
She said it's an emergency.
541
00:26:30,840 --> 00:26:32,550
Excuse me, I'll be right back.
542
00:26:34,302 --> 00:26:36,513
You wanna see it? Huh?
You wanna see your kid?
543
00:26:36,680 --> 00:26:37,973
I can see it from here,
thanks, yeah.
544
00:26:38,056 --> 00:26:39,432
Dude, take a closer look.
It's your kid.
545
00:26:39,516 --> 00:26:40,517
No, no, no!
Come on!
546
00:26:40,600 --> 00:26:42,435
You got to take a closer look.
That's close enough, Johnny!
547
00:26:42,519 --> 00:26:44,359
He's beautiful. Come on!
I'll trade you. Catch.
548
00:26:44,437 --> 00:26:46,147
Oh, shit!
Oh, God!
549
00:26:46,314 --> 00:26:47,983
Fuck! Dude,
that's somebody's kid!
550
00:26:48,149 --> 00:26:50,443
Well, it's not my fault,
A-Rod! You were supposed to catch it!
551
00:26:50,527 --> 00:26:51,569
We got to find something
to scoop it up.
552
00:26:51,653 --> 00:26:53,238
There's containers over there.
Scoop it up with that.
553
00:26:53,321 --> 00:26:54,656
Shit. All right.
554
00:26:55,073 --> 00:26:56,116
TED: No, no,
that's not gonna work.
555
00:26:56,199 --> 00:26:57,867
You need two of them.
You got to scoop one into the other.
556
00:26:58,368 --> 00:26:59,953
Oh, shit! Fuck!
557
00:27:01,204 --> 00:27:02,497
TED: Oh!
Oh, fuck!
558
00:27:02,580 --> 00:27:03,581
Oh, my God!
559
00:27:03,665 --> 00:27:04,666
Fuck! Fuck!
560
00:27:04,833 --> 00:27:06,918
Oh, my God! It's in my eyes!
561
00:27:07,043 --> 00:27:08,044
I'm blinking it in!
562
00:27:08,128 --> 00:27:09,379
(GAGGING)
You got to fucking help me!
563
00:27:09,462 --> 00:27:11,089
Oh, my God!
It's in my fucking mouth!
564
00:27:11,172 --> 00:27:12,841
Hang on. I got to
post this on Facebook.
565
00:27:12,924 --> 00:27:14,092
No!
(CAMERA CLICKS)
566
00:27:14,467 --> 00:27:16,886
Hashtag "Grr, Mondays."
567
00:27:17,053 --> 00:27:18,930
(GASPS)
Oh, my God!
568
00:27:19,055 --> 00:27:20,974
Look, I'm so sorry! We swear to God,
it was an accident.
569
00:27:21,057 --> 00:27:22,183
We're so sorry.
570
00:27:22,517 --> 00:27:26,021
Well, I guess it's all right.
Those are the rejected sickle-cell samples.
571
00:27:26,187 --> 00:27:27,564
Ah, you hear that,
Johnny?
572
00:27:27,689 --> 00:27:29,607
You're covered in
rejected black-guy sperm.
573
00:27:29,691 --> 00:27:30,984
You look like a Kardashian.
574
00:27:31,192 --> 00:27:32,402
Fuck!
575
00:27:44,748 --> 00:27:46,875
No, make sure you
have all the updated
576
00:27:46,958 --> 00:27:48,626
information on our
Comic Con placement.
577
00:27:48,710 --> 00:27:52,005
This has to be the biggest,
most impressive rollout at the convention.
578
00:27:52,088 --> 00:27:53,214
Morning, Mr. Jessup.
579
00:27:53,923 --> 00:27:55,425
Good morning. Now...
580
00:27:55,508 --> 00:27:57,010
My name's Donny.
581
00:27:57,135 --> 00:27:59,387
(SIGHS) Hi, Donny.
Hi.
582
00:27:59,471 --> 00:28:01,181
Now this is
a multi-platform release,
583
00:28:01,264 --> 00:28:02,474
so I want a full
report on all...
584
00:28:02,557 --> 00:28:03,767
Fresh cakes.
585
00:28:05,810 --> 00:28:06,853
What?
586
00:28:06,936 --> 00:28:08,355
In the urinals, sir.
587
00:28:08,938 --> 00:28:10,940
I noticed you always
use urinal four,
588
00:28:11,024 --> 00:28:12,776
so I put fresh cakes
in there for you.
589
00:28:12,901 --> 00:28:15,904
You're an important man.
You should never have to smell pee.
590
00:28:16,613 --> 00:28:19,449
See, most people
flip the cakes.
591
00:28:20,033 --> 00:28:21,701
I replace the cakes.
592
00:28:22,619 --> 00:28:24,746
That's the Donny difference.
593
00:28:26,915 --> 00:28:29,751
I need a full report on all the
placement of our merchandise.
594
00:28:29,834 --> 00:28:32,045
Contact Bob Jennings
at Javits...
595
00:28:34,089 --> 00:28:35,632
I'm afraid I have bad news.
596
00:28:36,007 --> 00:28:38,760
I won't be able to perform
the implantation procedure.
597
00:28:38,927 --> 00:28:40,637
Wait, what?
Why not?
598
00:28:40,804 --> 00:28:44,808
Tami-Lynn, according to your test results,
you're no longer fertile.
599
00:28:44,974 --> 00:28:45,975
What?
600
00:28:46,059 --> 00:28:47,977
Wait, Doc,
are you sure about that?
601
00:28:48,144 --> 00:28:50,230
I mean, maybe you should check again
or something, you know?
602
00:28:50,438 --> 00:28:51,648
I'm quite sure.
603
00:28:51,815 --> 00:28:54,859
Tami-Lynn, because of your history
of excessive drug use
604
00:28:55,527 --> 00:28:58,905
your ovarian canal
has been somewhat compromised.
605
00:28:59,072 --> 00:29:00,952
What are you talking about?
It looks fine. Yeah.
606
00:29:01,991 --> 00:29:04,285
Forgive me,
that's a normal ovary.
607
00:29:04,369 --> 00:29:05,912
This is Tami-Lynn's.
608
00:29:06,079 --> 00:29:07,247
TED: Jesus!
609
00:29:07,372 --> 00:29:09,624
Yeah, but I bet this
stuff happens a lot.
610
00:29:09,707 --> 00:29:11,947
You probably see this kind
of stuff all the time, right?
611
00:29:12,127 --> 00:29:14,379
No, not once, not ever.
612
00:29:14,546 --> 00:29:17,757
When I saw this, I threw up.
Almost quit medicine.
613
00:29:18,007 --> 00:29:20,760
Bottom line is,
insemination is not possible.
614
00:29:21,302 --> 00:29:24,431
(SOBS) I don't understand, okay?
None of this makes any sense.
615
00:29:24,514 --> 00:29:26,474
It's okay. It's okay, honey.
Come on, let's just go.
616
00:29:26,558 --> 00:29:27,976
No, what does
this mean, Teddy?
617
00:29:28,059 --> 00:29:29,269
Does it mean we
can't have a baby?
618
00:29:29,352 --> 00:29:30,854
I don't know.
But it's gonna be okay.
619
00:29:30,937 --> 00:29:32,439
Everything's gonna be okay.
620
00:29:32,605 --> 00:29:33,857
It really isn't.
621
00:29:46,327 --> 00:29:48,580
Well, I have gone
through your application
622
00:29:48,663 --> 00:29:50,874
and vetted your
personal histories,
623
00:29:52,041 --> 00:29:53,960
and I'm afraid this
isn't gonna work out.
624
00:29:55,044 --> 00:29:56,129
What?
625
00:29:56,296 --> 00:29:57,380
Why not?
626
00:29:57,464 --> 00:29:59,024
Well, first of all,
there's the question
627
00:29:59,090 --> 00:30:00,758
of Tami-Lynn's
drug conviction.
628
00:30:00,925 --> 00:30:02,677
Hey, I did my community service.
629
00:30:02,760 --> 00:30:05,388
Yeah, besides, that was five years ago.
She's clean.
630
00:30:06,181 --> 00:30:07,432
There's another issue,
631
00:30:07,515 --> 00:30:10,560
and, honestly,
it's the more serious one.
632
00:30:10,643 --> 00:30:12,896
I was reluctant to
bring it up because
633
00:30:14,189 --> 00:30:15,690
it's a little awkward.
634
00:30:16,483 --> 00:30:20,528
Ted, in the eyes of the state,
you are not a person.
635
00:30:21,738 --> 00:30:23,323
Wait, what?
636
00:30:24,407 --> 00:30:26,618
The state official
I spoke to said
637
00:30:26,701 --> 00:30:29,829
that technically, you are
classified as property.
638
00:30:31,998 --> 00:30:34,417
I'm not a person?
639
00:30:34,834 --> 00:30:37,670
Not according to
the government. I'm sorry.
640
00:30:37,754 --> 00:30:39,464
But that is so fucked up!
641
00:30:40,215 --> 00:30:41,508
"Property"?
642
00:30:41,591 --> 00:30:43,593
You know what, Teddy?
Let's get out of here.
643
00:30:43,843 --> 00:30:44,844
Come on.
644
00:30:44,928 --> 00:30:46,095
(SIGHS)
645
00:30:46,471 --> 00:30:47,597
Look.
646
00:30:47,764 --> 00:30:49,557
You seem like good people.
647
00:30:49,724 --> 00:30:50,975
Be careful.
648
00:30:51,142 --> 00:30:53,144
What do you mean, "Be careful"?
649
00:30:53,228 --> 00:30:55,188
The state official I spoke to
650
00:30:55,271 --> 00:30:58,900
made it sound like your status had
gone under the radar for some time.
651
00:30:59,442 --> 00:31:02,111
Your adoption request
may have raised some red flags.
652
00:31:02,695 --> 00:31:05,448
If they choose to
investigate the issue,
653
00:31:05,615 --> 00:31:08,159
it may leave you
quite vulnerable.
654
00:31:21,297 --> 00:31:23,758
Hey. I just got off work
and heard your message.
655
00:31:23,841 --> 00:31:25,468
Is that for real?
Did they actually tell you that?
656
00:31:25,552 --> 00:31:27,262
Yeah, it's unbelievable.
"Property."
657
00:31:27,470 --> 00:31:29,055
They said I'm property.
658
00:31:29,305 --> 00:31:31,224
What does that even mean?
Like, you're a thing?
659
00:31:31,307 --> 00:31:33,142
What, like garbage
or a piece of shit?
660
00:31:33,601 --> 00:31:37,063
I mean, maybe more like a hammer
or an orange, but yeah.
661
00:31:37,146 --> 00:31:38,356
What the hell
do they know?
662
00:31:38,439 --> 00:31:39,482
It's just a word.
663
00:31:39,566 --> 00:31:41,943
They can't change your whole
life just by calling you property!
664
00:31:42,026 --> 00:31:44,946
Bullshit!
You better ask my ancestors.
665
00:31:45,154 --> 00:31:47,490
One minute, you in Africa,
washing your clothes
666
00:31:47,574 --> 00:31:49,492
in the river,
titties out. You good.
667
00:31:49,659 --> 00:31:51,369
Then all of a sudden,
you somewhere
668
00:31:51,452 --> 00:31:53,371
across the world,
fucking Thomas Jefferson.
669
00:31:53,496 --> 00:31:55,832
Wow! You make
history come alive.
670
00:31:56,040 --> 00:31:57,917
Why the hell is this
just coming up now?
671
00:31:58,167 --> 00:32:00,169
I mean, I've never voted.
672
00:32:00,336 --> 00:32:02,922
I don't have a driver's license,
I don't pay taxes.
673
00:32:03,006 --> 00:32:05,049
I mean, hell, this is
the first job I ever had.
674
00:32:06,551 --> 00:32:09,012
Ted, can I see you
for a moment?
675
00:32:10,555 --> 00:32:11,681
I'm sorry,
676
00:32:11,764 --> 00:32:13,308
but I'm gonna
have to let you go.
677
00:32:13,516 --> 00:32:17,186
What? Why? I've been busting
my ass at this job for three years!
678
00:32:17,437 --> 00:32:19,689
I just got a call from
the Labor Department.
679
00:32:20,690 --> 00:32:22,650
I can't legally keep
you on as an employee
680
00:32:22,734 --> 00:32:24,944
because I've been informed
that you're technically...
681
00:32:25,028 --> 00:32:28,239
Technically not a person.
Yeah. Jesus Christ!
682
00:32:28,781 --> 00:32:32,577
I'm sorry. But as of today,
you're fired.
683
00:32:33,453 --> 00:32:34,829
(SIGHS)
684
00:32:35,997 --> 00:32:38,041
"Dear Ted,
your Chase bank account
685
00:32:38,124 --> 00:32:40,251
"has been terminated due to
a lack of citizenship."
686
00:32:40,668 --> 00:32:43,212
"Dear Ted, your Discover card
has been revoked."
687
00:32:43,296 --> 00:32:46,215
"Dear Ted, you are no longer
a Papa Gino's rewards member."
688
00:32:46,424 --> 00:32:47,717
Fuck, that's a big one.
689
00:32:47,884 --> 00:32:49,844
This poor baby bootie.
690
00:32:50,386 --> 00:32:54,390
It's always gonna be empty.
There's never gonna be a little foot in here.
691
00:32:54,557 --> 00:32:57,810
I don't understand.
We would have made such great parents.
692
00:32:57,894 --> 00:32:58,895
(INHALES)
693
00:32:58,978 --> 00:33:00,188
Oh, my God.
694
00:33:00,563 --> 00:33:01,981
Oh, my God, Teddy!
695
00:33:02,065 --> 00:33:03,024
(STUTTERS)
What? What's wrong?
696
00:33:03,107 --> 00:33:04,400
Look at this.
697
00:33:04,567 --> 00:33:05,777
(SOBBING) "Dear Ted,
698
00:33:06,069 --> 00:33:08,738
"the state of Massachusetts
regrets to inform you
699
00:33:08,821 --> 00:33:11,866
"that due to an oversight
regarding your legal status
700
00:33:12,408 --> 00:33:16,954
"your marriage to Tami-Lynn McCafferty
is unrecognized by the state
701
00:33:17,038 --> 00:33:19,957
"and, therefore, invalid
and hereby annulled."
702
00:33:20,333 --> 00:33:22,126
Teddy, can they do this to us?
703
00:33:22,210 --> 00:33:23,252
Let me see that.
704
00:33:27,090 --> 00:33:28,758
This is a nightmare.
705
00:33:31,928 --> 00:33:33,262
You fucking believe that?
706
00:33:33,429 --> 00:33:35,431
No. This is insane.
707
00:33:35,598 --> 00:33:37,392
I mean, Tami's the woman I love.
708
00:33:37,600 --> 00:33:39,727
You know, I never would even
have tried to adopt a dog
709
00:33:39,811 --> 00:33:42,021
if I had known it was gonna
cause me this kind of shit storm.
710
00:33:42,105 --> 00:33:43,856
This whole thing is
complete bullshit.
711
00:33:43,981 --> 00:33:45,983
I mean, if you ask me,
we got to fight it.
712
00:33:46,526 --> 00:33:48,486
What do you mean?
I mean, we get a lawyer.
713
00:33:49,070 --> 00:33:50,363
Oh, my God. Can we do that?
714
00:33:50,488 --> 00:33:51,823
Hell yeah!
You know what we do?
715
00:33:51,906 --> 00:33:53,146
We'll get a lawyer
and we'll sue
716
00:33:53,199 --> 00:33:54,784
the fucking government
for your civil rights!
717
00:33:54,909 --> 00:33:56,744
Johnny, that's a great idea!
718
00:33:56,911 --> 00:33:59,038
Hey, hey! Maybe we get one of them
Harrison Ford lawyers
719
00:33:59,122 --> 00:34:01,541
who gets shot in the head,
then turns all retarded and nice and goes,
720
00:34:01,624 --> 00:34:02,744
"What we're doing is wrong."
721
00:34:02,792 --> 00:34:04,919
Yes. You know what, we get out there
and we stick it to them good.
722
00:34:05,002 --> 00:34:07,046
We take that shit all the way up
to Judge Judy if we have to.
723
00:34:07,130 --> 00:34:08,172
Yeah.
724
00:34:08,256 --> 00:34:10,800
But we don't know any lawyers.
All our friends make sandwiches.
725
00:34:11,008 --> 00:34:13,302
Oh, we just google
"Boston lawyers." Ah.
726
00:34:14,762 --> 00:34:16,931
Jesus. Look at
that black cock.
727
00:34:37,076 --> 00:34:38,161
Uh...
728
00:34:38,703 --> 00:34:41,789
This is a very complicated case
you have here.
729
00:34:41,873 --> 00:34:46,419
Most civil rights cases are, but this
one has some very obvious wrinkles.
730
00:34:46,711 --> 00:34:48,713
Well, everybody says
you're the best in town.
731
00:34:48,880 --> 00:34:52,508
Listen, your case is
not gonna be cheap.
732
00:34:52,675 --> 00:34:54,677
What is your
financial situation?
733
00:34:54,969 --> 00:34:57,930
Uh, all of our holdings are tied up
in the railroads.
734
00:34:58,014 --> 00:35:00,433
Yeah, Reading Railroad,
B&O Railroad, Pennsylvania Railroad.
735
00:35:00,516 --> 00:35:03,644
We're working on Short Line. Um, I own
Atlantic Avenue and Marvin Gardens.
736
00:35:03,728 --> 00:35:05,229
And I own four houses
on Baltic Ave.
737
00:35:05,313 --> 00:35:07,315
I was thinking about just tearing
them down and building a hotel.
738
00:35:07,398 --> 00:35:10,109
I won second prize in a beauty contest.
That's $50 right there.
739
00:35:10,193 --> 00:35:12,111
Are you guys just
saying Monopoly stuff?
740
00:35:12,403 --> 00:35:13,780
Tell you what, I'm gonna go
drive around the block,
741
00:35:13,863 --> 00:35:15,239
and I'll be back with $200.
742
00:35:15,364 --> 00:35:17,366
I'll tell you
what I'm gonna do.
743
00:35:17,533 --> 00:35:19,619
My niece recently
passed her bar exam
744
00:35:19,702 --> 00:35:22,830
and I've hired her on
as a junior associate here at the firm.
745
00:35:22,955 --> 00:35:25,291
I could assign her to
your case, pro bono.
746
00:35:25,416 --> 00:35:27,256
And then you would get
a hungry, young attorney
747
00:35:27,293 --> 00:35:30,546
and I would get a more
experienced lawyer in return.
748
00:35:30,838 --> 00:35:32,089
So what do you say to that?
749
00:35:32,340 --> 00:35:34,383
Yeah, sure, sounds great.
750
00:35:34,884 --> 00:35:37,178
Um, are those hard candies,
like, just to take?
751
00:35:38,095 --> 00:35:39,972
Uh, those aren't
supposed to be out.
752
00:35:50,733 --> 00:35:51,734
Hello?
753
00:35:51,901 --> 00:35:53,986
(BANGING)
Oh! Fuck!
754
00:35:54,737 --> 00:35:55,738
Hi.
755
00:35:55,822 --> 00:35:56,823
You okay?
756
00:35:56,906 --> 00:35:58,491
Yeah! I'm fine.
757
00:35:58,574 --> 00:35:59,826
You must be Ted.
758
00:35:59,909 --> 00:36:01,828
Yeah. Uh, I'm Ted,
759
00:36:01,911 --> 00:36:03,329
this is my buddy, John.
Hi.
760
00:36:03,412 --> 00:36:06,916
Um, my uncle says
that you guys are my first clients.
761
00:36:07,250 --> 00:36:10,211
Uh, it's been discussed,
762
00:36:10,711 --> 00:36:12,380
but do you mind if
I ask how old you are?
763
00:36:12,547 --> 00:36:14,048
I'm 26.
764
00:36:14,257 --> 00:36:15,258
Ah.
765
00:36:15,508 --> 00:36:16,968
What, is there a problem?
766
00:36:17,051 --> 00:36:19,051
Well, you know,
I just don't want my lawyer singing
767
00:36:19,095 --> 00:36:20,847
Frozen songs during
the opening arguments.
768
00:36:20,930 --> 00:36:22,682
It's just this is
a really important case.
769
00:36:22,765 --> 00:36:25,165
Ted has already lost his job,
his marriage has been annulled.
770
00:36:25,226 --> 00:36:27,478
I know. My uncle
gave me all the details.
771
00:36:27,645 --> 00:36:29,772
Right. You see, the thing is, we don't
want to take any chances
772
00:36:29,856 --> 00:36:31,816
because the stakes
are so significant.
773
00:36:31,941 --> 00:36:33,109
We can't just
rush into anything.
774
00:36:33,192 --> 00:36:34,610
We got to make sure
we're making the right decision.
775
00:36:34,694 --> 00:36:36,028
TED: We really
appreciate your time,
776
00:36:36,112 --> 00:36:37,321
but I think what
we're probably gonna do is
777
00:36:37,405 --> 00:36:38,948
just take a seat
and get to work.
778
00:36:39,031 --> 00:36:40,032
Trust you completely.
779
00:36:40,116 --> 00:36:42,036
Yeah, we really feel like
you got a lot to offer.
780
00:36:43,911 --> 00:36:44,912
Sorry.
781
00:36:44,996 --> 00:36:46,196
You don't mind the pot,
do you?
782
00:36:46,289 --> 00:36:47,331
I get migraines.
783
00:36:47,415 --> 00:36:48,875
Oh, absolutely, me, too.
That's fine.
784
00:36:48,958 --> 00:36:51,719
I'm gonna get a huge migraine in
the parking lot in about 20 minutes.
785
00:36:51,752 --> 00:36:53,504
Oh, I'm Samantha Jackson.
786
00:36:53,671 --> 00:36:55,172
Ted. How are ya?
787
00:36:55,339 --> 00:36:57,049
Good to meet you. John.
Nice to meet you.
788
00:36:57,133 --> 00:36:58,773
Wait, wait, wait.
What's your middle name?
789
00:36:59,260 --> 00:37:00,261
Leslie.
790
00:37:00,511 --> 00:37:03,556
Oh, my God!
So you're Sam L. Jackson!
(LAUGHS)
791
00:37:03,639 --> 00:37:05,516
That's fucking great!
Just like Sam L. Jackson!
792
00:37:05,641 --> 00:37:06,684
Who is that?
793
00:37:06,809 --> 00:37:09,812
You ever seen any movie ever?
He's the black guy.
794
00:37:10,479 --> 00:37:11,981
(INHALING)
795
00:37:12,648 --> 00:37:14,108
That weed is really good.
796
00:37:14,191 --> 00:37:15,591
It reminds me of
the strain I smoked
797
00:37:15,651 --> 00:37:17,236
last summer called
"Here Comes Autism."
798
00:37:17,486 --> 00:37:19,906
Yeah, I was just gonna say it's sort
of like this other batch we had called
799
00:37:19,989 --> 00:37:21,616
"How Long Has
That Van Been There?"
800
00:37:21,949 --> 00:37:25,202
No, it's this new strain my dealer
gave me called "Help Me Get Home."
801
00:37:25,328 --> 00:37:27,455
You know, I'm surprised a lawyer
like you gets high.
802
00:37:27,538 --> 00:37:28,915
I mean, aren't you
supposed to be fighting
803
00:37:28,998 --> 00:37:30,458
the War on Drugs
and all that shit?
804
00:37:30,708 --> 00:37:32,668
Please, the War on Drugs
is a joke.
805
00:37:32,793 --> 00:37:34,113
It's just a way
for the government
806
00:37:34,170 --> 00:37:35,588
to inflate law
enforcement budgets
807
00:37:35,671 --> 00:37:38,299
and lock up minorities
for no good legal reason.
808
00:37:38,382 --> 00:37:40,968
And you, my friend,
are an oppressed minority.
809
00:37:41,135 --> 00:37:42,720
Yeah. No shit.
810
00:37:42,803 --> 00:37:45,014
They've denied you
the same rights s everybody else
811
00:37:45,097 --> 00:37:46,390
just because you're different,
812
00:37:46,474 --> 00:37:49,101
and I say that's a violation
of the Constitution.
813
00:37:49,560 --> 00:37:51,687
So what do you say?
Can you get me my life back?
814
00:37:51,771 --> 00:37:53,105
(BUBBLING)
815
00:37:55,399 --> 00:37:56,817
I'm gonna try.
816
00:37:57,151 --> 00:37:58,611
JOHN: Hey, guys?
817
00:37:58,694 --> 00:38:00,814
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
I'm having some trouble over here.
818
00:38:01,072 --> 00:38:02,073
What's the matter?
819
00:38:03,491 --> 00:38:04,909
Can you help me get home?
820
00:38:05,826 --> 00:38:07,954
(SOBBING) I'm having a really
hard time here, guys.
821
00:38:08,037 --> 00:38:09,664
TED: Johnny, it's okay,
buddy. It's okay.
822
00:38:09,747 --> 00:38:10,915
You're doing fine.
You're doing great.
823
00:38:10,998 --> 00:38:11,958
No, I'm scared. All right.
824
00:38:12,041 --> 00:38:13,918
I know. Come on,
it's okay, though.
825
00:38:14,001 --> 00:38:15,544
You just have to
hang onto the wall.
826
00:38:15,878 --> 00:38:16,879
(HORN HONKS)
(SCREAMS)
827
00:38:16,963 --> 00:38:18,381
Don't let the goose get me!
828
00:38:18,881 --> 00:38:20,216
How far away
does he live?
829
00:38:20,716 --> 00:38:21,884
Uh, about a mile-and-a-half.
830
00:38:22,093 --> 00:38:23,135
Fuck, okay.
831
00:38:23,219 --> 00:38:26,097
Hey, it's okay.
One foot in front of the other.
832
00:38:26,347 --> 00:38:28,224
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
833
00:38:35,731 --> 00:38:39,110
All right, I got Dred Scott v. Sandford,Plessy v. Ferguson
834
00:38:39,193 --> 00:38:40,987
and Brown v.the Board of Education.
835
00:38:41,070 --> 00:38:45,408
I got Kramer vs. Kramer,Alien vs. Predator, and Freddy vs. Jason.
836
00:38:45,491 --> 00:38:48,786
I got, uh, Ernest Goes to Camp,Ernest Goes to Jail
837
00:38:48,869 --> 00:38:52,123
and The Importance of Being Earnest,
which was very disappointing.
838
00:39:13,686 --> 00:39:15,521
Okay. I'm gonna ask you a few
test questions. Are you ready?
839
00:39:15,604 --> 00:39:16,689
Yep, bring it on.
840
00:39:16,772 --> 00:39:18,399
You're on the stand,
the DA says,
841
00:39:18,482 --> 00:39:20,651
"Ted, do you consider yourself
to be human?"
842
00:39:20,735 --> 00:39:21,861
Objection!
Sustained!
843
00:39:21,944 --> 00:39:22,945
No, the witness can't object.
844
00:39:23,029 --> 00:39:24,030
Overruled!
Sidebar?
845
00:39:24,113 --> 00:39:25,113
Guilty!
Speculation!
846
00:39:25,156 --> 00:39:26,676
Hearsay! Briefcase!
Bailiff! Disregard!
847
00:39:26,741 --> 00:39:28,242
In my chambers!
Stop beavering the witness!
848
00:39:28,367 --> 00:39:29,660
I rest.
We could totally be lawyers.
849
00:39:29,744 --> 00:39:30,745
Bang.
850
00:40:00,232 --> 00:40:01,609
(INAUDIBLE)
851
00:40:55,871 --> 00:40:58,457
Oh, my God! I'm gonna
fall off the building.
852
00:41:04,046 --> 00:41:06,215
Your name is Toby!
853
00:41:06,298 --> 00:41:08,217
You're going to learn
to say your name.
854
00:41:08,300 --> 00:41:09,927
Let me hear you say it.
855
00:41:10,761 --> 00:41:12,054
What's your name?
856
00:41:13,347 --> 00:41:15,891
(BREATHING SHAKILY)
Kunta. Kunta Kinte.
857
00:41:16,350 --> 00:41:19,562
That's just like me. That's exactly
what I'm going through.
858
00:41:19,645 --> 00:41:21,063
Well, it's a little different.
859
00:41:21,397 --> 00:41:25,109
You know, Ted, if you legally become a
person, you're gonna need a last name.
860
00:41:25,568 --> 00:41:28,571
Oh, yeah, you're right.
Okay, okay, I got one.
861
00:41:28,737 --> 00:41:29,738
Okay, what is it?
862
00:41:30,072 --> 00:41:31,574
Clubber Lang.
863
00:41:31,907 --> 00:41:33,325
Who is Clubber Lang?
864
00:41:33,409 --> 00:41:34,535
Who's Clubber Lang?
865
00:41:34,618 --> 00:41:36,620
Mr. T's character
in Rocky Ill. Hello?
866
00:41:37,079 --> 00:41:38,664
Is that the boxing movies?
867
00:41:38,914 --> 00:41:39,914
(SHOUTS) The boxing...
868
00:41:39,957 --> 00:41:41,667
You've never seen Rocky?
She's not serious.
869
00:41:41,750 --> 00:41:42,877
You've never seen Rocky?
870
00:41:42,960 --> 00:41:43,961
You know...
871
00:41:44,170 --> 00:41:46,297
(IMITATING ROCKY SOUNDTRACK)
872
00:41:47,882 --> 00:41:48,924
You know, Rocky!
873
00:41:49,008 --> 00:41:50,676
I'm not gonna remember
a movie I've never seen
874
00:41:50,759 --> 00:41:52,469
just because you're singing a song
I don't know.
875
00:41:52,595 --> 00:41:55,139
You don't know Samuel L. Jackson,
you don't know Rocky.
876
00:41:55,222 --> 00:41:57,016
You are literally
pop culture illiterate.
877
00:41:57,099 --> 00:41:58,517
I have a college degree.
878
00:41:58,601 --> 00:42:01,020
My pop culture references are Hamlet,
Achilles and Dorian Gray.
879
00:42:01,103 --> 00:42:02,188
Ever heard of any of them?
880
00:42:02,271 --> 00:42:04,732
No, but I'm pretty sure
Mr. T could kick their ass!
881
00:42:04,815 --> 00:42:06,775
Yeah, Sam, you really
need to be educated.
882
00:42:06,942 --> 00:42:11,280
Oh, really? Um, can either of you tell me
who wrote The Great Gatsby?
883
00:42:11,780 --> 00:42:12,907
Judy Blume?
Hitler?
884
00:42:12,990 --> 00:42:14,200
F. Scott Fitzgerald.
885
00:42:14,283 --> 00:42:15,326
Who's that?
886
00:42:15,618 --> 00:42:16,619
The author.
887
00:42:16,785 --> 00:42:18,204
Why are you saying,
"Fuck him"?
888
00:42:18,287 --> 00:42:19,287
What?
889
00:42:19,330 --> 00:42:20,706
You just said "Eff
Scott Fitzgerald."
890
00:42:20,789 --> 00:42:22,499
What did Scott Fitzgerald do to you?
Yeah.
891
00:42:22,583 --> 00:42:24,293
No, that's his first name.
892
00:42:24,585 --> 00:42:26,253
His name's "Fuck
Scott Fitzgerald"?
893
00:42:26,337 --> 00:42:27,463
What? No.
894
00:42:27,588 --> 00:42:28,881
Well, then, what's the "F"
stand for?
895
00:42:28,964 --> 00:42:29,965
Francis.
896
00:42:30,090 --> 00:42:31,592
No. It's got to be "Fuck."
It must be "Fuck."
897
00:42:31,675 --> 00:42:33,010
It's got to be "Fuck."
It has to be "Fuck."
898
00:42:33,093 --> 00:42:34,261
Why the hell
would it be "Fuck"?
899
00:42:34,345 --> 00:42:36,013
Well, because otherwise,
why wouldn't he just say it?
900
00:42:36,096 --> 00:42:37,473
Yeah, he's hiding
something. It's "Fuck."
901
00:42:37,514 --> 00:42:39,391
Come on, read between the lines, Sam.
It's "Fuck."
902
00:42:39,475 --> 00:42:41,644
(LAUGHS) That's completely
insane. You guys are idiots.
903
00:42:41,727 --> 00:42:44,813
Yeah, well, whatever.
Ted Clubber Lang.
Get used to it.
904
00:42:49,360 --> 00:42:50,486
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
905
00:42:50,569 --> 00:42:51,612
Yes!
906
00:42:53,489 --> 00:42:54,490
Sir?
907
00:42:54,823 --> 00:42:57,701
Um, one of the janitors
would like to see you.
908
00:42:58,160 --> 00:42:59,161
I'm busy.
909
00:42:59,662 --> 00:43:01,288
Fresh cakes!
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
910
00:43:02,122 --> 00:43:03,165
What is it, Danny?
911
00:43:03,374 --> 00:43:04,583
Uh, Donny, sir.
912
00:43:04,667 --> 00:43:08,087
Well, Donny, I'm extremely
busy with the Comic Con presentation...
913
00:43:08,170 --> 00:43:10,547
I'm told that you have an
open-door policy here at Hasbro
914
00:43:10,631 --> 00:43:13,175
for new toy ideas
from any and all employees?
915
00:43:14,176 --> 00:43:15,970
Yeah, I suppose that's true.
916
00:43:17,179 --> 00:43:18,514
All right, come in.
917
00:43:18,681 --> 00:43:20,140
Okay.
918
00:43:20,307 --> 00:43:22,851
Thank you. Thank you.
I love your dress.
919
00:43:28,983 --> 00:43:30,192
Mr. Jessup,
920
00:43:30,401 --> 00:43:32,820
I can make this company
a billion dollars.
921
00:43:33,195 --> 00:43:34,363
I'm listening.
922
00:43:35,489 --> 00:43:36,532
Thirty years ago,
923
00:43:36,699 --> 00:43:38,993
a little boy named
John Bennett made a wish
924
00:43:39,076 --> 00:43:41,328
that his teddy bear
would come to life.
925
00:43:41,495 --> 00:43:43,747
Somehow, one of
our Hasbro bears...
926
00:43:43,831 --> 00:43:45,541
Yes, I'm aware of the story.
927
00:43:47,376 --> 00:43:49,086
Have you seen this?
928
00:43:49,628 --> 00:43:51,255
(SIGHS)
929
00:43:54,258 --> 00:43:55,342
So what?
930
00:43:55,426 --> 00:43:58,595
Well, Ted is suing
for his civil rights.
931
00:43:58,762 --> 00:44:01,640
If he loses, the state
will officially declare him
932
00:44:01,724 --> 00:44:04,351
a non-entity with
no rights under the law.
933
00:44:04,893 --> 00:44:07,021
That means he becomes property.
934
00:44:07,479 --> 00:44:08,647
Mr. Jessup,
935
00:44:09,690 --> 00:44:13,902
we could take him back, with only a
trivial degree of legal consequence
936
00:44:13,986 --> 00:44:15,529
if we were even caught.
937
00:44:15,738 --> 00:44:17,323
And why would we do this?
938
00:44:17,406 --> 00:44:22,411
Sir, if we could cut him open to see
what makes him tick,
939
00:44:22,578 --> 00:44:26,707
we could manufacture millions of
Teds for every child in the world.
940
00:44:26,832 --> 00:44:29,418
Hasbro would double
its profits overnight.
941
00:44:30,502 --> 00:44:31,545
Go on.
942
00:44:31,628 --> 00:44:34,423
We just have to make sure
Ted loses the case.
943
00:44:34,631 --> 00:44:37,676
You use every back channel,
every bribe,
944
00:44:37,801 --> 00:44:39,053
you call in every favor
945
00:44:39,136 --> 00:44:43,432
and you get the best lawyer in
the world on the defense.
946
00:44:43,932 --> 00:44:46,977
When Ted's rights
are officially null,
947
00:44:48,437 --> 00:44:49,897
we grab him.
948
00:44:51,315 --> 00:44:54,401
No one's going to kick up a
legal fuss over property.
949
00:44:55,110 --> 00:44:58,322
You're a hell of a lot smarter than
your urinal cakes, Danny.
950
00:44:58,781 --> 00:44:59,948
Really?
951
00:45:00,115 --> 00:45:02,451
Now, what exactly
do you want from this?
952
00:45:03,160 --> 00:45:05,913
Mr. Jessup,
I'm not interested in money.
953
00:45:08,332 --> 00:45:10,667
I just want a Ted
for my very own.
954
00:45:11,835 --> 00:45:14,963
All right.
I think I can handle the defense.
955
00:45:15,964 --> 00:45:17,549
But let's make
one thing clear.
956
00:45:17,633 --> 00:45:19,301
We never had this conversation.
957
00:45:19,551 --> 00:45:22,971
Goldner and the board cannot know
about this until we have him.
958
00:45:23,514 --> 00:45:24,890
Do you understand?
959
00:45:24,973 --> 00:45:26,308
(WHISPERS) Yes, I do.
960
00:45:26,892 --> 00:45:28,227
(EXHALES)
961
00:45:29,853 --> 00:45:31,855
I need Shep Wild.
962
00:45:34,691 --> 00:45:37,277
SAMANTHA: That was such
a good dinner, Tami-Lynn.
963
00:45:37,403 --> 00:45:39,238
I've never had
Pringles on my steak before.
964
00:45:39,321 --> 00:45:40,489
Oh, it's my pleasure.
965
00:45:40,572 --> 00:45:43,951
It's the least I can do
with all you're doing for us. Really.
966
00:45:44,034 --> 00:45:46,286
Oh, I haven't done anything yet.
967
00:45:46,370 --> 00:45:48,080
Well, you know,
we wanted to take you out to dinner,
968
00:45:48,163 --> 00:45:52,167
but, uh, (SIGHS) all we got is Tami's income
these days since nobody will hire me.
969
00:45:52,251 --> 00:45:53,710
Things are getting
really tight, huh?
970
00:45:53,836 --> 00:45:56,213
Yeah, I've had to do
some things I'm not proud of.
971
00:45:56,505 --> 00:45:59,883
BJs here! Get your BJs!
Get your red-hot BJs!
972
00:45:59,967 --> 00:46:02,761
Toothless and ready to go.
Just 3 dollar! 3 dollar!
973
00:46:02,845 --> 00:46:04,179
Get your BJs here.
974
00:46:04,596 --> 00:46:05,722
Wow.
975
00:46:05,806 --> 00:46:07,057
Hey, listen,
I got an idea.
976
00:46:07,141 --> 00:46:09,685
Uh, Tami, what do you say
you and me go do the dishes
977
00:46:09,768 --> 00:46:12,312
and give Sam and Diane here
some alone time, eh?
978
00:46:12,646 --> 00:46:14,857
(LAUGHS)
All right, all right.
979
00:46:15,149 --> 00:46:17,568
Hey, you go pull
a bad back, bitch!
980
00:46:19,194 --> 00:46:20,612
What do you think
that was about?
981
00:46:20,904 --> 00:46:22,948
Oh, it's nothing. That's his way of saying
I should ask you out.
982
00:46:23,031 --> 00:46:24,074
Ah.
983
00:46:24,158 --> 00:46:25,242
Uh, yeah, look...
984
00:46:25,325 --> 00:46:27,953
We should probably focus our
attention on the case for now.
985
00:46:28,036 --> 00:46:29,663
I completely agree.
986
00:46:30,706 --> 00:46:34,793
You know, I am a little bit curious.
How is it that a guy like you is unattached?
987
00:46:35,919 --> 00:46:40,382
Well, I was married at one point,
but it just didn't work out.
988
00:46:40,549 --> 00:46:42,718
Shits. I'm sorry. That sucks.
989
00:46:42,885 --> 00:46:46,346
No. I mean,
we'd make it work day to day,
990
00:46:46,805 --> 00:46:48,485
but she was always
just trying to change me
991
00:46:48,515 --> 00:46:49,725
into someone I'm not.
992
00:46:49,892 --> 00:46:51,602
And I tried, you know?
993
00:46:52,436 --> 00:46:55,898
I really tried everything
I could to be the man that she wanted.
994
00:46:56,398 --> 00:46:59,985
One day I woke up and I just realized
I wasn't myself anymore.
995
00:47:00,819 --> 00:47:04,907
You know, as much as I love this person,
we're completely wrong for each other.
996
00:47:05,657 --> 00:47:07,826
At least you
figured it out early.
997
00:47:08,118 --> 00:47:09,678
Some people go through
their whole lives
998
00:47:09,745 --> 00:47:11,580
trying to make it work
with the wrong person.
999
00:47:12,164 --> 00:47:13,415
Yeah.
1000
00:47:14,708 --> 00:47:16,126
So, we're gonna
win this thing?
1001
00:47:16,585 --> 00:47:18,462
Honestly, I don't know.
1002
00:47:18,837 --> 00:47:20,339
Oh, we're betting on you.
1003
00:47:21,131 --> 00:47:23,571
Hey, Johnny, come on.
It's almost 7:00.
We got to get up there.
1004
00:47:23,634 --> 00:47:24,927
Hey, Sam,
you want in on this?
1005
00:47:25,010 --> 00:47:26,053
What is it?
1006
00:47:26,136 --> 00:47:29,139
On Tuesday nights, we get fucked up
and throw apples at joggers.
1007
00:47:33,310 --> 00:47:34,353
Oh, there's one!
1008
00:47:34,436 --> 00:47:35,938
(ALL LAUGH)
1009
00:47:36,021 --> 00:47:37,397
TED: How's your workout?
JOGGER: Fuck you!
1010
00:47:37,481 --> 00:47:39,358
Eat my pussy!
Have some apples!
1011
00:47:39,441 --> 00:47:40,943
Jesus, what the hell
is your problem?
1012
00:47:41,443 --> 00:47:43,654
It's everybody
else's fault, Mary Decker!
1013
00:47:44,071 --> 00:47:45,155
Bam!
1014
00:47:45,239 --> 00:47:47,407
You sons of bitches!
What the fuck is your...
(GRUNTS)
1015
00:47:47,950 --> 00:47:49,201
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
1016
00:47:50,661 --> 00:47:52,788
That's the lottery!
That's the lottery!
1017
00:47:52,871 --> 00:47:55,499
That's what you get
for fucking exercising!
1018
00:47:55,958 --> 00:47:57,709
That is unbelievable!
1019
00:48:32,160 --> 00:48:33,245
Teddy.
1020
00:48:34,329 --> 00:48:35,747
Teddy, I'm scared.
1021
00:48:35,831 --> 00:48:37,082
Baby, we're gonna be fine.
1022
00:48:37,165 --> 00:48:40,377
I don't care what any fucking piece
of paper says. You're my wife.
1023
00:48:40,752 --> 00:48:42,504
I love you so much.
1024
00:48:42,588 --> 00:48:43,839
And I swear to God,
if we lose,
1025
00:48:43,922 --> 00:48:45,507
I'm gonna
fucking cut that judge.
1026
00:48:45,674 --> 00:48:47,217
Wait a minute.
You brought your switchblade?
1027
00:48:47,301 --> 00:48:48,302
Yeah.
1028
00:48:48,385 --> 00:48:50,762
But they patted us down on the way in here.
Where'd you even hide it?
1029
00:48:50,846 --> 00:48:52,264
Oh!
1030
00:48:53,515 --> 00:48:54,558
Hey, Sam.
1031
00:48:55,350 --> 00:48:56,935
Who's that buttnut over there?
1032
00:48:59,396 --> 00:49:02,524
That is why we've been working so hard.
That's Shep Wild.
1033
00:49:02,608 --> 00:49:04,359
It's our bad luck
they put him on the trial.
1034
00:49:05,027 --> 00:49:06,820
He's never lost
a case in his life.
1035
00:49:07,446 --> 00:49:11,158
Mr. Wild, your opening statement,
if you please.
1036
00:49:11,450 --> 00:49:12,826
Thank you, Your Honor.
1037
00:49:13,744 --> 00:49:16,538
I would first like to thank
the ladies and gentlemen of the jury
1038
00:49:16,913 --> 00:49:19,708
for taking time out
of their busy schedules
1039
00:49:20,125 --> 00:49:21,960
to be a part of
these proceedings.
1040
00:49:22,419 --> 00:49:27,633
Now, the case we'll be examining today
is really quite a simple one.
1041
00:49:28,008 --> 00:49:30,260
Is Ted a human being?
1042
00:49:30,719 --> 00:49:32,304
Or a piece of property?
1043
00:49:33,138 --> 00:49:38,935
You know, it really is a very special,
very unique thing to be human.
1044
00:49:39,645 --> 00:49:43,523
It's a gift from God
bestowed upon only one species.
1045
00:49:43,982 --> 00:49:45,025
Us.
1046
00:49:45,651 --> 00:49:48,445
But if we suddenly decide
to share that gift,
1047
00:49:49,446 --> 00:49:50,906
where does that lead us?
1048
00:49:51,573 --> 00:49:53,575
Does your dog
deserve human rights?
1049
00:49:54,076 --> 00:49:55,369
Your cat?
1050
00:49:55,452 --> 00:49:56,870
Your toaster?
1051
00:49:56,953 --> 00:49:57,996
(SOFT CHUCKLE)
1052
00:50:00,082 --> 00:50:03,293
Suddenly, being human
doesn't seem so special anymore, does it?
1053
00:50:04,461 --> 00:50:07,172
I'm confident you'll make
the right decision.
1054
00:50:08,215 --> 00:50:10,967
JUDGE: Thank you, Mr. Wild,
for your opening statement.
1055
00:50:11,343 --> 00:50:12,552
Ms. Jackson?
1056
00:50:18,475 --> 00:50:19,685
Hi.
1057
00:50:20,602 --> 00:50:22,479
I am Samantha Jackson.
1058
00:50:22,938 --> 00:50:25,148
I got to be honest
with you. I'm...
1059
00:50:25,941 --> 00:50:27,859
I'm a little nervous.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
1060
00:50:28,318 --> 00:50:29,986
Why am I nervous? Um...
1061
00:50:31,071 --> 00:50:34,616
Well, not because I'm a junior
attorney arguing her first case.
1062
00:50:35,283 --> 00:50:36,868
And not because
some of you might laugh
1063
00:50:36,952 --> 00:50:39,663
at the fact that
I'm representing a teddy bear.
1064
00:50:39,871 --> 00:50:41,123
(SOFT LAUGHTER)
1065
00:50:42,457 --> 00:50:46,753
No, I'm... I'm nervous because
of one simple word.
1066
00:50:49,214 --> 00:50:50,465
"Justice."
1067
00:50:51,383 --> 00:50:56,054
I'm nervous that you're going
to be swayed
1068
00:50:56,221 --> 00:50:59,224
by smooth talk
and a haircut,
1069
00:50:59,474 --> 00:51:03,603
and forget about the most
important aspect of this case.
1070
00:51:04,980 --> 00:51:06,148
Justice.
1071
00:51:07,899 --> 00:51:09,276
A hundred and fifty years ago
1072
00:51:09,401 --> 00:51:11,737
a slave by the name
of Dred Scott
1073
00:51:11,820 --> 00:51:15,407
sued to prove that he was a
person and not a piece of property.
1074
00:51:15,866 --> 00:51:17,325
He lost.
1075
00:51:17,576 --> 00:51:21,580
And as history has shown us,
that wasn't justice.
1076
00:51:23,874 --> 00:51:26,543
In every
civil rights conflict,
1077
00:51:27,210 --> 00:51:31,256
we are only able to recognize
the just point of view
1078
00:51:31,339 --> 00:51:33,175
years after the fact.
1079
00:51:33,675 --> 00:51:35,844
And when the next conflict
comes along,
1080
00:51:36,011 --> 00:51:39,014
we're once again
blind to it as it's happening.
1081
00:51:40,015 --> 00:51:43,435
"Well, this is different,"
we say, but it isn't.
1082
00:51:44,603 --> 00:51:47,773
It is the same beast,
just wearing a different face,
1083
00:51:47,856 --> 00:51:49,483
and it's happening again today.
1084
00:51:51,026 --> 00:51:54,237
So I urge you,
ladies and gentlemen of the jury,
1085
00:51:54,404 --> 00:51:57,532
not to be a footnote
on the wrong side of history.
1086
00:52:00,202 --> 00:52:02,370
Don't wait too long
to be right.
1087
00:52:04,039 --> 00:52:05,123
Thank you.
1088
00:52:09,211 --> 00:52:10,212
Erection.
1089
00:52:10,378 --> 00:52:11,922
Sustained.
1090
00:52:14,549 --> 00:52:17,552
Ms. McCafferty, you and Ted recently
considered adopting a child.
1091
00:52:17,636 --> 00:52:18,678
Is that correct?
1092
00:52:19,054 --> 00:52:20,096
Yeah.
1093
00:52:20,514 --> 00:52:21,807
And if I may inquire,
1094
00:52:21,890 --> 00:52:24,142
why did you not choose to have
a child of your own?
1095
00:52:24,851 --> 00:52:26,353
Because Teddy
ain't got no dick.
1096
00:52:26,686 --> 00:52:28,104
(LAUGHTER)
1097
00:52:30,106 --> 00:52:31,149
Uh-huh.
1098
00:52:31,233 --> 00:52:35,946
And, uh, why does Ted
not possess a, uh, male appendage?
1099
00:52:36,404 --> 00:52:37,781
Is it a freak of genetics?
1100
00:52:38,073 --> 00:52:40,492
No, asshole, he ain't got a dick
because he's a fucking toy!
1101
00:52:40,575 --> 00:52:41,618
What's your excuse?
1102
00:52:41,743 --> 00:52:43,370
Whoa-ho! Take a burn!
1103
00:52:43,453 --> 00:52:45,914
Yeah! How's your tongue
taste in your own ass, Poindexter?
1104
00:52:45,997 --> 00:52:47,207
Yeah! How'd you...
What?
1105
00:52:47,332 --> 00:52:49,042
(GAVEL BANGS)
Order!
1106
00:52:50,252 --> 00:52:51,336
Mr. Bennett,
1107
00:52:51,920 --> 00:52:55,090
how would you categorize
your relationship with Ted?
1108
00:52:56,007 --> 00:52:57,259
He's my best friend.
1109
00:52:57,676 --> 00:52:59,761
So you don't see him
as your property.
1110
00:53:00,095 --> 00:53:02,722
No, he's not my property.
He's a person.
1111
00:53:02,806 --> 00:53:04,846
He's way more of a person
than lots of other people.
1112
00:53:04,891 --> 00:53:06,268
I mean,
fucking Steven Tyler?
1113
00:53:06,351 --> 00:53:07,602
What the fuck is that?
Some kind of
1114
00:53:07,686 --> 00:53:09,271
weird soccer-mom-looking
Goonie monster?
1115
00:53:09,354 --> 00:53:10,856
Your Honor?
I'll allow it.
1116
00:53:11,189 --> 00:53:12,649
Thank you, Your Honor.
1117
00:53:13,316 --> 00:53:14,776
Your witness.
1118
00:53:15,277 --> 00:53:16,611
(CLEARS THROAT)
1119
00:53:18,280 --> 00:53:19,489
Mr. Bennett,
1120
00:53:20,365 --> 00:53:22,617
when and where did
you first encounter Ted?
1121
00:53:23,118 --> 00:53:25,453
Oh, what do you mean? My parents
got him for me when I was a kid.
1122
00:53:25,579 --> 00:53:27,664
A-ha. They "got him."
1123
00:53:29,207 --> 00:53:30,625
Where did they get him?
1124
00:53:33,461 --> 00:53:34,713
Child World toy store.
1125
00:53:34,796 --> 00:53:36,715
I'm sorry, I couldn't hear that.
Could you repeat that, please?
1126
00:53:36,798 --> 00:53:38,425
Child World toy store.
You fucking heard me.
1127
00:53:38,508 --> 00:53:39,885
There's no need for hostility,
Mr. Bennett.
1128
00:53:39,968 --> 00:53:41,261
Why? Nobody here likes you!
1129
00:53:41,344 --> 00:53:43,388
I saw you eating lunch alone!
You're a loser!
1130
00:53:43,471 --> 00:53:44,556
Your Honor?
Mr. Bennett.
1131
00:53:44,639 --> 00:53:46,016
I hope your kids
get bird flu!
1132
00:53:46,141 --> 00:53:47,142
Mr. Bennett!
1133
00:53:47,225 --> 00:53:48,226
I'm sorry.
1134
00:53:48,476 --> 00:53:51,521
Now, you said your
parents purchased Ted,
1135
00:53:51,688 --> 00:53:54,983
as one might purchase
a baseball glove or a Big Wheel.
1136
00:53:55,066 --> 00:53:56,234
No, it's not like that!
1137
00:53:56,318 --> 00:53:57,319
Objection!
1138
00:53:57,402 --> 00:53:58,612
You can't do that!
1139
00:53:58,695 --> 00:53:59,935
You know what?
This is bullshit!
1140
00:53:59,988 --> 00:54:01,740
This court is
trying to tell me
1141
00:54:01,823 --> 00:54:03,263
that I'm not as good
as other people,
1142
00:54:03,325 --> 00:54:05,493
and this is exactly what
you've been doing to the fags!
1143
00:54:05,577 --> 00:54:06,578
Ted!
1144
00:54:06,661 --> 00:54:07,621
Sorry, sorry.
The homos, the homos.
1145
00:54:07,704 --> 00:54:09,247
This is exactly
what you've been doing
1146
00:54:09,331 --> 00:54:10,832
to the homos,
and I say it's wrong!
1147
00:54:10,916 --> 00:54:13,501
Ms. Jackson,
please control your client
1148
00:54:13,585 --> 00:54:15,670
or I'll hold both of you
in contempt of court!
1149
00:54:15,754 --> 00:54:16,838
Oh, piss off!
1150
00:54:16,922 --> 00:54:19,591
I'm standing up for me and I'm
standing up for the homos!
1151
00:54:19,674 --> 00:54:20,759
We deserve respect!
1152
00:54:20,842 --> 00:54:21,843
Ted, shut up!
1153
00:54:21,968 --> 00:54:23,219
Fine.
1154
00:54:23,929 --> 00:54:25,889
(VIDEO GAME MUSIC PLAYS)
1155
00:54:32,479 --> 00:54:34,940
Your Honor, I'd like to call
Ted Clubber Lang to the stand.
1156
00:54:35,023 --> 00:54:36,024
Yes!
1157
00:54:36,316 --> 00:54:38,276
My turn, assholes!
1158
00:54:43,490 --> 00:54:44,532
Ted,
1159
00:54:45,283 --> 00:54:46,493
do you love your wife?
1160
00:54:46,576 --> 00:54:49,704
Objection. She's not his wife.
The marriage was annulled.
1161
00:54:49,913 --> 00:54:51,373
I'll rephrase.
1162
00:54:52,499 --> 00:54:53,959
Do you love Tami-Lynn?
1163
00:54:54,376 --> 00:54:57,462
I love my wife. Okay?
My wife.
1164
00:54:57,545 --> 00:54:58,964
More than anything
in the world.
1165
00:54:59,047 --> 00:55:01,257
We're married.
I don't care what anybody says.
1166
00:55:01,675 --> 00:55:05,220
So you're saying
you are capable of feeling love.
1167
00:55:05,595 --> 00:55:06,763
Yeah.
1168
00:55:07,097 --> 00:55:08,723
Hey, it must be weird
for you guys,
1169
00:55:08,807 --> 00:55:10,183
having a doll up here
on the stand
1170
00:55:10,266 --> 00:55:12,547
with no kid pointing to where
his uncle touched him, huh?
1171
00:55:12,602 --> 00:55:13,687
(CHUCKLES)
1172
00:55:13,770 --> 00:55:14,938
Yeah, no, yeah, no.
1173
00:55:15,021 --> 00:55:17,983
Yeah, I am capable.
I love a lot of stuff. Yeah.
1174
00:55:18,566 --> 00:55:22,696
Ted, do you believe
you have a soul?
1175
00:55:24,072 --> 00:55:26,449
(SINGING) What did you think
1176
00:55:26,866 --> 00:55:29,452
I would do at this moment
1177
00:55:29,911 --> 00:55:32,747
When you're standing before me
1178
00:55:32,831 --> 00:55:35,542
With tears in your eyes
1179
00:55:36,334 --> 00:55:37,669
That answer your question?
1180
00:55:37,752 --> 00:55:39,212
Objection. Your Honor?
1181
00:55:39,421 --> 00:55:41,172
(SINGSONGY) Overruled!
1182
00:55:41,339 --> 00:55:44,467
A-ha! What it is, man!
Dynomite.
1183
00:55:44,759 --> 00:55:46,594
Ted. Right, right.
Sorry, sorry.
1184
00:55:47,762 --> 00:55:50,807
Look, I'm not a scientist, okay?
1185
00:55:51,433 --> 00:55:54,769
I don't know exactly what
makes a person a person.
1186
00:55:54,936 --> 00:55:57,397
All I know is I feel stuff.
1187
00:55:57,897 --> 00:55:59,274
Just like all you guys.
1188
00:56:00,358 --> 00:56:02,777
And I don't think
I ought to be treated any different.
1189
00:56:06,781 --> 00:56:08,283
Capable of love.
1190
00:56:09,451 --> 00:56:11,494
Aware of his own consciousness.
1191
00:56:14,289 --> 00:56:15,999
Seems pretty human to me.
1192
00:56:16,958 --> 00:56:18,877
No further questions.
1193
00:56:19,586 --> 00:56:20,628
Mr. Kidder,
1194
00:56:20,879 --> 00:56:25,133
you were an employee at Hasbro
from 1976 to 1998. Is that correct?
1195
00:56:25,300 --> 00:56:28,219
Yes, I supervised
the stuffing of the teddy bears.
1196
00:56:28,678 --> 00:56:30,221
And what is that
stuffing made of?
1197
00:56:30,305 --> 00:56:32,724
A synthetic
cotton-poly blend.
1198
00:56:32,891 --> 00:56:34,559
Is there anything else
in there?
1199
00:56:34,893 --> 00:56:38,813
The bear products are affixed with
an electronic device in the chest
1200
00:56:39,147 --> 00:56:42,275
which can be programmed
to say any one of five phrases.
1201
00:56:43,818 --> 00:56:44,819
Hmm.
1202
00:56:47,906 --> 00:56:48,990
Ted,
1203
00:56:49,991 --> 00:56:51,743
would you please
press your chest?
1204
00:56:53,953 --> 00:56:54,996
What?
1205
00:56:55,455 --> 00:56:58,166
Please follow the instruction,
Mr. Clubber Lang.
1206
00:57:03,338 --> 00:57:04,839
TED TOY VOICE:
I love you!
1207
00:57:05,215 --> 00:57:06,424
(CROWD MURMUR)
1208
00:57:15,225 --> 00:57:16,601
No further questions.
1209
00:57:19,354 --> 00:57:21,189
FEMALE NEWSCASTER:
Also in the news,a pending court case
1210
00:57:21,314 --> 00:57:23,358
is beginning to get
national attention
1211
00:57:23,441 --> 00:57:25,401
for its civil
rights ramifications.
1212
00:57:25,527 --> 00:57:27,403
Ted, the bear,
who some of you may remember
1213
00:57:27,487 --> 00:57:30,990
came to life back in the mid-'80s
right here in Boston,
1214
00:57:31,157 --> 00:57:34,160
is suing to prove
he is indeed a person.
1215
00:57:34,452 --> 00:57:36,955
Okay, so what are we even
talking about here?
1216
00:57:37,038 --> 00:57:40,917
What we're talking about is a civil
rights issue. This bear has rights.
1217
00:57:41,000 --> 00:57:42,961
Oh, come on!He does not!He's a toy.
1218
00:57:43,044 --> 00:57:44,546
Then why are you
calling it a "he"?
1219
00:57:44,629 --> 00:57:46,965
Look, we call the Statue
of Liberty "she, "
1220
00:57:47,048 --> 00:57:50,385
but we all know it's an object
made of copper and steel.
1221
00:57:50,468 --> 00:57:51,511
Oh, good point.
1222
00:57:51,553 --> 00:57:54,973
Yes, but she isn't conscious
or sentient. He is. Mmm-hmm.
1223
00:57:55,223 --> 00:57:56,266
(SCOFFS)
Now, come on!
1224
00:57:56,349 --> 00:57:58,029
Are any of you gonna
sit there and tell me
1225
00:57:58,059 --> 00:57:59,769
that this stuffed
doll is a person?
1226
00:57:59,853 --> 00:58:00,853
No.
Not at all.
1227
00:58:00,895 --> 00:58:02,063
We all agree all the time.
1228
00:58:02,147 --> 00:58:04,482
I don't think he should want to be
considered a person.
1229
00:58:04,566 --> 00:58:06,442
After all, you know,
Ted spent many years
1230
00:58:06,526 --> 00:58:08,319
sleeping and cuddling
with a child.
1231
00:58:08,403 --> 00:58:10,238
That's cute when
you're a stuffed animal.
1232
00:58:10,321 --> 00:58:12,323
When you're a person,
that's a felony.
1233
00:58:12,407 --> 00:58:13,908
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1234
00:58:14,242 --> 00:58:17,203
Ted, do you have anything to say
in your own defense?
1235
00:58:17,579 --> 00:58:21,958
I am not an animal!
1236
00:58:22,417 --> 00:58:23,918
(LAUGHTER)
1237
00:58:25,503 --> 00:58:26,754
You see, Your Honor?
1238
00:58:26,838 --> 00:58:28,173
He's not an animal.
1239
00:58:28,548 --> 00:58:29,549
(SNIFFLES)
1240
00:58:29,799 --> 00:58:31,176
(GROWLING)
1241
00:58:36,556 --> 00:58:39,100
I'm sorry, Your Honor.
I'm on my period.
1242
00:58:39,767 --> 00:58:45,273
And live from New York,it's Saturday Night!
(APPLAUSE)
1243
00:58:45,857 --> 00:58:47,901
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
1244
00:59:02,790 --> 00:59:04,709
What is taking
them so long?
1245
00:59:04,792 --> 00:59:06,586
Oh, is it bad that
they're taking this long?
1246
00:59:06,669 --> 00:59:08,296
It's not good or bad.
It just means
1247
00:59:08,379 --> 00:59:09,859
that they're probably
having a debate.
1248
00:59:10,298 --> 00:59:12,675
Johnny, it may be time
to play the Betelgeuse card.
1249
00:59:12,759 --> 00:59:13,760
What do you mean?
1250
00:59:13,843 --> 00:59:15,428
I mean saying his
name three times.
1251
00:59:15,511 --> 00:59:16,554
What?
1252
00:59:16,638 --> 00:59:17,805
Betelgeuse.
Betelgeuse. Betelgeuse.
1253
00:59:17,889 --> 00:59:18,973
Shut up!
1254
00:59:19,140 --> 00:59:20,391
You fucking crazy?
We don't want
1255
00:59:20,475 --> 00:59:21,643
that guy running around in here.
1256
00:59:21,726 --> 00:59:22,894
No, Johnny,
he'll be on our side.
1257
00:59:22,977 --> 00:59:24,312
He'll help us.
Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse...
1258
00:59:24,395 --> 00:59:26,981
You are meddling with powers
you do not understand.
1259
00:59:27,065 --> 00:59:28,149
Cut the shit.
1260
00:59:28,566 --> 00:59:30,109
(INDISTINCT TALKING)
1261
00:59:40,328 --> 00:59:41,412
Please be seated.
1262
00:59:44,290 --> 00:59:47,085
Mr. Willer, has the jury
reached a verdict?
1263
00:59:47,335 --> 00:59:49,170
Yes, we have, Your Honor.
(CLEARS THROAT)
1264
00:59:49,837 --> 00:59:53,925
Um, in the case of
Ted v. The Commonwealth of Massachusetts,
1265
00:59:54,050 --> 00:59:59,347
we, the jury, find for the Commonwealth
in that Ted is not a person.
1266
00:59:59,847 --> 01:00:01,140
(CROWD MURMURING)
1267
01:00:08,022 --> 01:00:09,023
(SIGHS)
1268
01:00:09,607 --> 01:00:11,150
(GAVEL BANGING)
1269
01:00:11,651 --> 01:00:12,694
JUDGE: Very well.
1270
01:00:12,902 --> 01:00:15,738
The plaintiff is hereby
legally deemed property.
1271
01:00:16,281 --> 01:00:18,866
The definition entails
the rights thereof
1272
01:00:18,950 --> 01:00:21,411
and will be recognized
in the terms set
1273
01:00:21,494 --> 01:00:23,871
by the Commonwealth
of Massachusetts.
1274
01:00:23,955 --> 01:00:27,041
The court wishes
to thank the jury for its service.
1275
01:00:34,215 --> 01:00:36,134
Are you sure
you can get him?
1276
01:00:36,301 --> 01:00:38,219
Remember, you're
on your own out there.
1277
01:00:38,303 --> 01:00:40,179
Hasbro can have
no connection to this.
1278
01:00:40,346 --> 01:00:41,848
Oh, I'll get him.
1279
01:00:42,307 --> 01:00:44,507
And when I have him,
I'll call you with the code phrase.
1280
01:00:45,727 --> 01:00:47,353
Do you remember what it is?
1281
01:00:47,729 --> 01:00:48,938
Yes, I remember it.
1282
01:00:49,105 --> 01:00:50,385
Should we say it
just for safety?
1283
01:00:50,440 --> 01:00:51,441
No, that's not necessary.
1284
01:00:51,524 --> 01:00:52,483
Say it. Just say it.
Say it.
1285
01:00:52,567 --> 01:00:53,735
I don't want to.
I don't have to.
1286
01:00:53,860 --> 01:00:54,902
Fresh cakes.
1287
01:00:55,820 --> 01:00:57,071
Fresh cakes.
1288
01:01:05,580 --> 01:01:07,498
(SNIFFLING)
This isn't fucking fair.
1289
01:01:07,665 --> 01:01:09,500
Teddy's a good man.
1290
01:01:09,917 --> 01:01:12,462
Why is he being treated differently
than everybody else?
1291
01:01:12,879 --> 01:01:15,089
(SCOFFS) It's what
this country does best.
1292
01:01:15,173 --> 01:01:17,175
Putting different people
into little groups
1293
01:01:17,258 --> 01:01:18,634
and making them
watch Tyler Perry.
1294
01:01:18,718 --> 01:01:19,927
It's wrong!
1295
01:01:21,304 --> 01:01:22,680
I'm so sorry, baby.
1296
01:01:22,930 --> 01:01:26,267
No, I'm sorry! I thought
I'd built a better case.
1297
01:01:26,476 --> 01:01:27,518
It's just...
1298
01:01:27,602 --> 01:01:29,854
The reality is you have
a really shitty lawyer.
1299
01:01:29,979 --> 01:01:31,022
Hey, come on.
1300
01:01:31,105 --> 01:01:33,775
Nobody's blaming you for this.
You did everything you could.
1301
01:01:33,900 --> 01:01:35,943
(SIGHS) I... I'm sitting here
1302
01:01:36,027 --> 01:01:38,363
and I...
I can't believe it's official.
1303
01:01:38,821 --> 01:01:40,365
Oh, so what are
we gonna do now?
1304
01:01:40,448 --> 01:01:43,284
I mean, we can't take this lying
down, right? We got to do something.
1305
01:01:44,077 --> 01:01:46,788
You know what we're gonna do?
We're gonna call Patrick Meighan.
1306
01:01:46,954 --> 01:01:48,039
Who's that?
1307
01:01:48,331 --> 01:01:51,000
He is the top civil rights attorney
in America.
1308
01:01:51,125 --> 01:01:53,544
Wait. Is he the one who got that female
midget into the Marines?
1309
01:01:53,628 --> 01:01:54,629
Yeah.
1310
01:01:54,712 --> 01:01:56,047
Yeah, that had a sad ending though,
you remember?
1311
01:01:56,130 --> 01:01:57,507
She was at
a Veterans Day parade,
1312
01:01:57,590 --> 01:01:58,841
and somebody handed her
a bunch of balloons
1313
01:01:58,925 --> 01:02:00,093
and... (WHOOSHES)
Gone!
1314
01:02:00,301 --> 01:02:02,261
It was very sad.
Very sad for the family.
1315
01:02:02,428 --> 01:02:04,889
You know what? If anyone
can get this verdict overturned, it's him.
1316
01:02:04,972 --> 01:02:06,057
He's not cheap,
1317
01:02:06,140 --> 01:02:08,226
but we've become such
a high profile case,
1318
01:02:08,309 --> 01:02:10,561
I feel like he might take it
pro bono.
1319
01:02:10,645 --> 01:02:12,063
He's a sucker for media.
1320
01:02:15,858 --> 01:02:17,568
Hey, Johnny,
how about a beer, huh?
1321
01:02:17,652 --> 01:02:19,153
Yeah, that's a good idea.
1322
01:02:20,321 --> 01:02:22,907
Hi, I'm calling for Patrick Meighan.
This is Samantha Jackson.
1323
01:02:22,990 --> 01:02:26,327
I defended Ted Clubber Lang
in Ted v. Massachusetts.
1324
01:02:27,245 --> 01:02:28,246
Hey!
1325
01:02:28,329 --> 01:02:32,375
Hi, Mr. Meighan.
Thank you so much for taking my call.
1326
01:02:33,042 --> 01:02:34,085
(JOHN GRUNTING)
1327
01:02:34,168 --> 01:02:36,921
Oh, you've been following
the case. That's great.
1328
01:02:37,964 --> 01:02:39,841
Yeah, that's actually why I'm calling.
(BOTH GRUNTING)
1329
01:02:39,924 --> 01:02:41,759
Yeah, I was wondering
1330
01:02:41,843 --> 01:02:46,180
if, um, maybe you would consider helping
us try to overturn the verdict.
1331
01:02:48,057 --> 01:02:52,019
Well, yeah. I mean, it would
have to be a pro bono situation
1332
01:02:52,103 --> 01:02:54,272
because we're not
really working with much money.
1333
01:02:54,355 --> 01:02:56,566
But I think
you'll be impressed with my client.
1334
01:02:56,649 --> 01:02:58,443
Oh! Ha-ha!
Motherfucker!
1335
01:02:58,526 --> 01:02:59,777
Sure.
1336
01:02:59,861 --> 01:03:03,156
Yeah, great.
Okay. Thank you so much!
1337
01:03:03,239 --> 01:03:05,575
Okay, I'll see you
then. Bye.
1338
01:03:05,867 --> 01:03:07,034
Oh, my God!
1339
01:03:07,118 --> 01:03:09,038
He said he'll meet
with us on Friday at 9:00 a.m.
1340
01:03:09,078 --> 01:03:10,496
at his office in New York.
1341
01:03:10,580 --> 01:03:11,789
Is he gonna take the case?
1342
01:03:11,873 --> 01:03:13,916
I don't want to jinx it,
but I think so.
1343
01:03:14,083 --> 01:03:16,210
Oh, my God!
You hear that, Johnny?
(LAUGHS)
1344
01:03:16,294 --> 01:03:17,503
I still get a shot!
JOHN: Yes!
1345
01:03:17,587 --> 01:03:19,213
Oh, my God!
We got to celebrate!
1346
01:03:19,380 --> 01:03:20,465
Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?
1347
01:03:20,548 --> 01:03:22,884
Let's go down to the improv
and yell sad suggestions?
1348
01:03:22,967 --> 01:03:23,968
Fuck yeah!
1349
01:03:24,051 --> 01:03:27,054
So first we need a historical event.
Who's got an event?
1350
01:03:27,221 --> 01:03:28,222
TED: 9/11.
1351
01:03:28,389 --> 01:03:30,892
(STUTTERS) Okay,
maybe something else.
1352
01:03:31,058 --> 01:03:32,643
All right, let's start
with a person.
1353
01:03:32,727 --> 01:03:33,811
JOHN: Robin Williams!
1354
01:03:33,978 --> 01:03:37,190
Okay, all right, for real, guys, for real.
Who's got a person?
1355
01:03:37,273 --> 01:03:39,150
TED: Robin Williams on 9/11.
1356
01:03:39,233 --> 01:03:40,985
All right, we've heard
from these guys.
1357
01:03:41,068 --> 01:03:43,821
Let's maybe give
somebody else over here a chance.
1358
01:03:43,905 --> 01:03:45,745
How about a location?
Let's go with a location.
1359
01:03:45,781 --> 01:03:47,742
TED: The offices
of Charlie Hebdo.
1360
01:03:48,034 --> 01:03:50,912
Okay, seriously,
sir, uh, I just need a location.
1361
01:03:50,995 --> 01:03:52,205
JOHN: Ferguson, Missouri.
1362
01:03:52,288 --> 01:03:53,664
TED: Germanwings cockpit.
1363
01:03:53,831 --> 01:03:55,791
Okay, I heard "Starbucks."
TED: No, you didn't.
1364
01:03:55,875 --> 01:03:57,075
JOHN: Nobody said "Starbucks."
1365
01:03:57,126 --> 01:04:00,254
All right, Starbucks.
Okay, now, who's in the Starbucks?
1366
01:04:00,421 --> 01:04:01,589
TED: Bill Cosby.
1367
01:04:01,756 --> 01:04:02,924
You people are monsters.
1368
01:04:03,174 --> 01:04:04,734
JOHN: We're giving you
the tools, buddy.
1369
01:04:04,759 --> 01:04:06,260
Come on,
make some fucking comedy.
1370
01:04:17,605 --> 01:04:19,649
All right. We'll be back
tomorrow afternoon.
1371
01:04:19,815 --> 01:04:21,817
I love you so much, Teddy.
1372
01:04:21,984 --> 01:04:25,321
You go kick some ass because I am
not taking off this wedding ring.
1373
01:04:25,488 --> 01:04:28,616
I love you too, baby.
I'll see you soon.
1374
01:05:03,651 --> 01:05:05,778
(HIP-HOP PLAYING ON STEREO)
1375
01:05:13,202 --> 01:05:15,204
(SINGING) If you wanna sitthere with a pie of meat
1376
01:05:15,288 --> 01:05:17,498
Just fuck your own brother
in the front seat
1377
01:05:17,582 --> 01:05:20,376
Oh, why can't you
just say please?
1378
01:05:20,459 --> 01:05:22,962
Hey! Must be the money
1379
01:05:23,671 --> 01:05:26,257
Hey, Sam, why do you have a duffel bag
that says "Arizona State"?
1380
01:05:26,340 --> 01:05:27,717
Because that's
where I went to school.
1381
01:05:27,842 --> 01:05:29,885
What, you went to Arizona State?
1382
01:05:29,969 --> 01:05:30,970
Yeah, why?
1383
01:05:31,053 --> 01:05:33,097
Oh, man, that's why
we lost the case.
1384
01:05:33,180 --> 01:05:34,265
Hello?
You're dicks.
1385
01:05:34,348 --> 01:05:37,602
Arizona State. Hey, how many times
you been fucked on a houseboat?
1386
01:05:37,727 --> 01:05:39,687
(LAUGHING)
(LAUGHING)
1387
01:05:39,770 --> 01:05:40,855
Oh, come on.
1388
01:05:40,938 --> 01:05:42,138
Did you write your dissertation
1389
01:05:42,189 --> 01:05:44,525
on the collected
works of, uh, Red Bull?
1390
01:05:44,692 --> 01:05:46,694
Yeah. Yeah,
I did. I got an A on it.
1391
01:05:46,944 --> 01:05:51,073
TED: So do you say
"Arizona State University"
or do you just say "HPVU"?
1392
01:05:55,911 --> 01:05:58,456
This is perfect. We're gonna get to
the city before 10:00.
1393
01:05:58,873 --> 01:06:00,666
Hey, Sam,
how's your boring salad?
1394
01:06:00,750 --> 01:06:02,209
Mmm, it's actually delicious.
1395
01:06:02,376 --> 01:06:04,295
Everybody always says
that about their salad.
1396
01:06:04,378 --> 01:06:05,630
They're all
a bunch of fucking liars.
1397
01:06:05,796 --> 01:06:07,673
No, I love it.
It's really good.
1398
01:06:07,757 --> 01:06:10,092
Have some Cookie Crisp.
You need something nutritional.
1399
01:06:10,217 --> 01:06:11,552
Why do you think
I want your Cookie Crisp?
1400
01:06:11,636 --> 01:06:13,387
Because you've been staring at it,
and you want it.
1401
01:06:13,554 --> 01:06:16,390
Hey, what's the deal here?
You guys ever gonna make out or what?
1402
01:06:16,724 --> 01:06:17,975
Teddy, come on, dude!
1403
01:06:18,059 --> 01:06:21,312
No, I'm just saying. You look like
you're hitting it off, you know?
1404
01:06:21,562 --> 01:06:23,272
Sam, you dig him, right?
1405
01:06:25,274 --> 01:06:26,317
MAN: Hey!
1406
01:06:26,400 --> 01:06:28,277
Where the hell's my coffee?
I've been waiting for 10 minutes.
1407
01:06:28,361 --> 01:06:30,571
I'm so sorry, sir.
I forgot. I'll get it right away.
1408
01:06:30,696 --> 01:06:33,491
Jesus, you're a waitress,
you're not building rockets.
Figure it out!
1409
01:06:34,075 --> 01:06:35,493
What a prick!
1410
01:06:35,951 --> 01:06:38,579
Hey, 20 bucks I can toss a
Cookie Crisp into his ass crack.
1411
01:06:38,746 --> 01:06:39,914
Wait, let me try.
1412
01:06:40,081 --> 01:06:42,458
I used to pitch for the softball team
at Arizona State.
1413
01:06:42,541 --> 01:06:44,418
Oh, yeah?
Was your mascot a broken condom?
1414
01:06:44,669 --> 01:06:46,003
Shut up.
1415
01:06:46,754 --> 01:06:48,506
Oh, my God!
Holy shit!
1416
01:06:48,589 --> 01:06:50,341
Who did that?
1417
01:06:50,591 --> 01:06:53,344
Oh, Jesus Christ.
You got to be kidding me!
1418
01:06:53,427 --> 01:06:55,179
Now, we're assholes.
Look what you did.
1419
01:06:55,262 --> 01:06:58,015
I swear to God,
I'll kick your goddamn ass!
Who was it?
1420
01:06:58,099 --> 01:07:01,018
Uh, sir, I apologize
for my 5-year-old son.
1421
01:07:01,227 --> 01:07:02,478
(IN KID'S VOICE) I'm sowwy!
1422
01:07:02,603 --> 01:07:03,646
Sowwy, sir.
1423
01:07:03,771 --> 01:07:06,211
Cookie Crisp in your bum-bumzies.
I'm sowwy. (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
1424
01:07:06,774 --> 01:07:10,111
Well, under the circumstances,
I guess it's okay.
1425
01:07:10,569 --> 01:07:12,697
Oh, my God.
Now we're even bigger assholes.
1426
01:07:12,780 --> 01:07:14,448
Go get my Cookie
Crisp out of his ass.
1427
01:07:14,615 --> 01:07:15,935
You guys making
trouble over here?
1428
01:07:15,991 --> 01:07:17,831
Uh, no, ma'am. We're just
minding our business.
1429
01:07:17,993 --> 01:07:20,274
Let's try to keep your boyfriend
under control here, yeah?
1430
01:07:20,871 --> 01:07:22,289
Oh, he's not my boyfriend.
1431
01:07:22,707 --> 01:07:23,708
Oh.
1432
01:07:24,125 --> 01:07:25,334
Good.
1433
01:07:25,626 --> 01:07:27,044
We'll just get the check.
Thanks.
1434
01:07:27,128 --> 01:07:28,421
Of course.
1435
01:07:30,756 --> 01:07:31,757
TED: Oh, my God.
1436
01:07:31,841 --> 01:07:34,802
John, did you see that? She was
totally giving you the fuck-me eyes.
1437
01:07:35,052 --> 01:07:36,053
No, she wasn't.
1438
01:07:36,137 --> 01:07:37,537
She was giving you
the fuck-me eyes.
1439
01:07:37,638 --> 01:07:38,848
What are the fuck-me eyes?
1440
01:07:39,014 --> 01:07:41,517
Some women just
have fuck-me eyes.
1441
01:07:41,976 --> 01:07:43,227
Do I have fuck-me eyes?
1442
01:07:43,310 --> 01:07:45,730
No, you have "Give us the ring,
my precious" eyes.
1443
01:07:46,313 --> 01:07:47,314
We better get going.
1444
01:07:47,398 --> 01:07:49,400
We got two hours of driving left and
I'm kind of beat.
1445
01:07:49,483 --> 01:07:51,203
Yeah, we got to be
well rested for tomorrow.
1446
01:07:51,235 --> 01:07:53,154
I'll drive.
You can take a nap.
1447
01:07:53,320 --> 01:07:54,488
You don't have a license.
1448
01:07:54,572 --> 01:07:56,073
Who cares?
Johnny lets me drive
1449
01:07:56,157 --> 01:07:57,575
every once in a while
when he's too hammered.
1450
01:07:57,658 --> 01:07:58,659
I'm a fucking pro!
1451
01:07:59,285 --> 01:08:00,494
Besides,
1452
01:08:00,578 --> 01:08:03,080
I've been kicked around
a lot this week. I just...
1453
01:08:03,414 --> 01:08:05,249
I want to feel useful,
you know?
1454
01:08:05,875 --> 01:08:07,115
Twenty minutes behind the wheel.
1455
01:08:07,168 --> 01:08:08,169
Yay!
1456
01:08:08,335 --> 01:08:09,879
(R&B MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)
1457
01:08:32,318 --> 01:08:34,528
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(HORN HONKING)
1458
01:08:57,885 --> 01:08:59,428
(LIP-SYNCHING TO SONG)
1459
01:09:09,814 --> 01:09:10,981
(SONG ENDS)
1460
01:09:11,982 --> 01:09:13,567
Ah! Ah!
Shit, shit, shit!
1461
01:09:14,944 --> 01:09:16,070
(TIRES SCREECHING)
1462
01:09:21,909 --> 01:09:22,910
(HORN HONKING)
1463
01:09:44,181 --> 01:09:45,432
What the fuck?
1464
01:09:45,516 --> 01:09:47,977
Well, Sam, it's been 20 minutes.
You wanna take over?
1465
01:10:01,198 --> 01:10:02,992
(STUTTERS)
Hey, listen, Sam,
I'm real sorry.
1466
01:10:03,075 --> 01:10:04,785
That barn just
came out of nowhere.
1467
01:10:04,869 --> 01:10:07,204
No, no, it's my fault.
I... I, uh...
1468
01:10:07,288 --> 01:10:08,914
I should never
have let you drive.
1469
01:10:08,998 --> 01:10:10,583
Yeah. You were wrong.
1470
01:10:10,666 --> 01:10:12,293
You were wrong to do that.
Yeah.
1471
01:10:12,376 --> 01:10:16,297
But that and the trial are the
only two things you fucked up. So, uh...
1472
01:10:17,131 --> 01:10:18,883
I can't see shit
in there.
1473
01:10:18,966 --> 01:10:21,247
We're gonna have to
wait till tomorrow to get the car out.
1474
01:10:21,385 --> 01:10:23,971
Uh, wait. Are we gonna
spend the night here?
1475
01:10:24,138 --> 01:10:26,682
Yeah, it'll be fine.
We just got to find some firewood.
1476
01:10:37,651 --> 01:10:38,736
What the hell?
1477
01:10:42,197 --> 01:10:43,449
(SNIFFS)
1478
01:10:44,742 --> 01:10:46,911
Holy shit! Hey, Ted!
1479
01:10:47,953 --> 01:10:51,165
You know what this is?
It's Super Lemon Haze.
1480
01:10:51,248 --> 01:10:52,374
It's a really rare strain.
1481
01:10:52,458 --> 01:10:54,668
It's a cross between
Lemon Skunk and Super Silver Haze.
1482
01:10:55,002 --> 01:10:56,045
It's totally potent.
1483
01:10:56,128 --> 01:10:57,421
I've only had it
once in my life
1484
01:10:57,504 --> 01:10:59,006
and it was one of
the best highs I ever had.
1485
01:10:59,214 --> 01:11:00,424
What the hell is
a leaf of this stuff
1486
01:11:00,507 --> 01:11:01,707
doing out in
the middle of a...
1487
01:11:12,853 --> 01:11:14,855
(ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING)
1488
01:11:31,038 --> 01:11:33,832
Dear God! Dear God in heaven!
1489
01:11:34,792 --> 01:11:36,377
(SOBS) So beautiful.
1490
01:11:37,628 --> 01:11:39,296
It's so beautiful.
1491
01:11:39,964 --> 01:11:41,423
No words.
1492
01:11:42,383 --> 01:11:44,635
No words. (SNIFFLES)
1493
01:11:44,718 --> 01:11:46,720
They should've sent a poet.
1494
01:11:54,061 --> 01:11:55,896
They're moving in herds.
1495
01:11:56,814 --> 01:11:58,732
They do move in herds.
1496
01:12:02,861 --> 01:12:05,656
Please tell me that's not the only bong
you brought on this trip.
1497
01:12:05,739 --> 01:12:08,659
TED: Yeah, Sam. This puts us in
kind of an awkward position, here.
1498
01:12:08,742 --> 01:12:10,202
I mean, we wanna get high, too.
1499
01:12:10,285 --> 01:12:11,645
I don't have any
papers or nothing.
1500
01:12:11,745 --> 01:12:14,623
Is this hilarious?
I got it at a bachelorette party.
1501
01:12:14,915 --> 01:12:15,916
(LAUGHS)
1502
01:12:16,000 --> 01:12:17,835
It's so stupid.
Here, try it.
1503
01:12:17,918 --> 01:12:19,003
Uh, no.
1504
01:12:19,086 --> 01:12:20,129
Why?
1505
01:12:20,212 --> 01:12:22,673
I don't wanna put
a big glass cock in my mouth.
1506
01:12:22,756 --> 01:12:24,133
Oh, you think this is big?
1507
01:12:24,341 --> 01:12:25,342
(LAUGHS)
1508
01:12:25,426 --> 01:12:27,052
Johnny, you walked
right into that one, pal.
1509
01:12:27,136 --> 01:12:28,136
This is all I brought.
1510
01:12:28,178 --> 01:12:30,018
How about this?
I'm gonna go check out the barn
1511
01:12:30,097 --> 01:12:32,099
and I'm gonna see
if I can find a soda can or something
1512
01:12:32,182 --> 01:12:33,382
for us to make an actual bong.
1513
01:12:33,434 --> 01:12:35,269
Yeah, see if you can
make a non-dick bong.
1514
01:12:35,519 --> 01:12:38,188
Yeah. Hey, that's the name of the South
Korean president. (LAUGHS)
1515
01:12:38,272 --> 01:12:39,356
Right?
1516
01:12:39,606 --> 01:12:40,858
She gets...
You get it.
1517
01:12:40,941 --> 01:12:41,942
Right? No.
1518
01:12:42,109 --> 01:12:43,152
What?
1519
01:12:43,318 --> 01:12:44,987
Okay, I'll be back.
1520
01:12:45,529 --> 01:12:46,822
Sorry.
1521
01:12:46,989 --> 01:12:49,491
No. This is nice.
1522
01:12:49,658 --> 01:12:51,493
You know?
I always wanted my ex-wife
1523
01:12:51,577 --> 01:12:53,203
to get stoned with me.
She never would.
1524
01:12:53,370 --> 01:12:54,371
Really?
1525
01:12:54,455 --> 01:12:57,374
Wow. That's the cornerstone
of any great marriage.
1526
01:12:57,541 --> 01:12:58,959
I agree.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
1527
01:13:02,963 --> 01:13:05,507
So, you think this Meighan guy
is gonna help us?
1528
01:13:05,674 --> 01:13:08,510
I mean, honestly,
I don't know. Um...
1529
01:13:09,887 --> 01:13:11,388
But we're going
to the right place.
1530
01:13:12,556 --> 01:13:14,141
Listen, I just really
want to thank you
1531
01:13:14,224 --> 01:13:16,060
for all you've done,
all you're doing for us.
1532
01:13:16,143 --> 01:13:17,936
I know it's not
making you rich.
1533
01:13:18,020 --> 01:13:19,063
Please.
1534
01:13:19,146 --> 01:13:21,398
There are more important things
in life than money.
1535
01:13:22,816 --> 01:13:24,026
Look,
1536
01:13:24,735 --> 01:13:26,945
I don't know what
kind of mojo was in
1537
01:13:27,029 --> 01:13:28,739
that wish you made
when you were a child,
1538
01:13:28,822 --> 01:13:30,699
but this bear is alive.
1539
01:13:31,658 --> 01:13:35,704
And it seems to me that once the law
devalues one kind of life,
1540
01:13:36,330 --> 01:13:38,499
how soon before
it devalues another?
1541
01:13:38,832 --> 01:13:40,751
Who gets subjugated
after the bear?
1542
01:13:42,377 --> 01:13:44,379
You're really smart,
you know that?
1543
01:13:45,756 --> 01:13:46,965
How come
you don't have a guy?
1544
01:13:47,341 --> 01:13:49,593
Dude, have you seen
the guys in Boston?
1545
01:13:49,676 --> 01:13:51,678
I'm supposed to date
some pale, blotchy guy
1546
01:13:51,762 --> 01:13:53,680
with a wife-beater
under his Bruins jacket
1547
01:13:53,764 --> 01:13:56,183
and a shamrock tattoo
on his calf? Nope.
1548
01:13:56,266 --> 01:13:57,309
Yeah. (CHUCKLES)
1549
01:13:57,392 --> 01:13:58,685
That's so dumb.
1550
01:13:59,686 --> 01:14:01,188
(GRUNTS) I couldn't
find any cans,
1551
01:14:01,271 --> 01:14:03,941
but I got to tell you,
there's some awesome shit in that barn.
1552
01:14:04,024 --> 01:14:07,069
Take a look at this. I found a cowboy
hat and a rifle and a guitar.
1553
01:14:07,277 --> 01:14:08,654
Hey, be careful
with that, huh.
1554
01:14:08,821 --> 01:14:10,021
No, it's okay.
It's not loaded.
1555
01:14:11,907 --> 01:14:14,076
And my fucking nose came off.
1556
01:14:15,577 --> 01:14:17,538
Jeez, I wonder who
this place belongs to.
1557
01:14:17,663 --> 01:14:19,663
Maybe we should find someplace else.
(PLAYS GUITAR)
1558
01:14:19,706 --> 01:14:21,708
We're in the middle of nowhere.
1559
01:14:21,792 --> 01:14:23,992
If we get out of here
by dawn, we should be fine, right?
1560
01:14:26,088 --> 01:14:27,339
You play the guitar?
1561
01:14:28,215 --> 01:14:30,717
A little bit.
I learned when I was a kid.
1562
01:14:40,060 --> 01:14:43,063
(SINGING) Mean ol' moon
1563
01:14:43,230 --> 01:14:45,566
It must be fun
1564
01:14:46,984 --> 01:14:52,114
To shine upon me
as I come undone
1565
01:14:52,739 --> 01:14:58,579
Till I'm all alone
beneath the sun
1566
01:14:59,079 --> 01:15:05,252
You mean ol' moon
1567
01:15:05,711 --> 01:15:11,175
With your beam you led the way
1568
01:15:12,593 --> 01:15:18,098
And found me love
I thought was here to stay
1569
01:15:18,348 --> 01:15:24,688
Then you went and
took my love away
1570
01:15:24,771 --> 01:15:29,943
You mean ol' moon
1571
01:15:30,611 --> 01:15:36,950
Oh, you mean ol' stars above
1572
01:15:37,492 --> 01:15:43,582
The games that
you play with me
1573
01:15:44,082 --> 01:15:49,046
I could find some happiness
1574
01:15:50,130 --> 01:15:56,136
If all of my nights
were cloudy
1575
01:15:56,553 --> 01:15:59,348
Mean ol' moon
1576
01:15:59,848 --> 01:16:02,309
I hope it's true
1577
01:16:03,769 --> 01:16:08,815
You're takin' all the light
that's left in you
1578
01:16:09,483 --> 01:16:15,739
And saving it up
for you know who
1579
01:16:15,822 --> 01:16:21,745
You mean ol' moon
1580
01:16:22,162 --> 01:16:28,835
You mean ol' moon
1581
01:16:47,354 --> 01:16:49,022
Yes!
1582
01:17:04,788 --> 01:17:05,914
You got it.
1583
01:17:06,206 --> 01:17:07,291
You got it!
1584
01:17:07,541 --> 01:17:09,042
Come on,
put your legs into it.
1585
01:17:11,295 --> 01:17:13,088
There you go! Nice job!
1586
01:17:13,171 --> 01:17:14,172
Jesus.
1587
01:17:14,256 --> 01:17:15,674
So, listen, I got to ask.
1588
01:17:15,757 --> 01:17:18,885
Was it just kissing last night?
Or was there finger stuff?
1589
01:17:25,058 --> 01:17:27,538
Man, we got a lot of pot in this car.
I wish we could smoke it.
1590
01:17:27,602 --> 01:17:28,854
Oh, we're gonna
smoke it, all right,
1591
01:17:28,937 --> 01:17:30,147
but just stuff it
under the seat for now.
1592
01:17:30,230 --> 01:17:31,270
We don't wanna go to jail.
1593
01:17:31,315 --> 01:17:32,566
Yeah, that's a good idea.
1594
01:17:38,697 --> 01:17:40,449
(LIGHTER FLICKERING)
1595
01:17:41,658 --> 01:17:42,993
(INHALES)
1596
01:17:49,166 --> 01:17:50,167
(CAMERA CLICKS)
1597
01:17:50,250 --> 01:17:51,752
Oh, what the fuck?
What are you doing?
1598
01:17:51,918 --> 01:17:54,921
Hashtag "My amazing summer."
1599
01:17:55,213 --> 01:17:57,007
God damn it!
What the hell's wrong with you?
1600
01:17:57,090 --> 01:17:58,450
Oh, I fucking owe you,
you bastard.
1601
01:17:58,508 --> 01:17:59,760
What do you mean?
I was just messing around.
1602
01:17:59,843 --> 01:18:01,803
Oh, shut up
and suck that dick.
1603
01:18:01,887 --> 01:18:02,888
Oh, fuck you.
1604
01:18:03,347 --> 01:18:04,931
(BROADWAY MUSIC PLAYING)
1605
01:18:30,832 --> 01:18:32,292
MEN: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
1606
01:18:32,334 --> 01:18:34,127
Watch it.
Jesus! Watch where you're going!
1607
01:18:34,211 --> 01:18:37,130
It's a crosswalk, jackass!
We have the right of way! Yeah.
1608
01:18:37,214 --> 01:18:38,215
BOTH: Whoa!
1609
01:18:38,298 --> 01:18:40,634
Hey, what the hell you doing walking
around dressed like Star Wars?
1610
01:18:40,717 --> 01:18:43,762
It's Comic Con, you idiot!
We're going to the Javits Center.
1611
01:18:43,845 --> 01:18:45,222
You're the idiots,
because you three guys
1612
01:18:45,305 --> 01:18:46,585
would never be walking together!
1613
01:18:46,640 --> 01:18:49,559
Yeah, you're his boss
and you two guys are enemies!
1614
01:18:49,643 --> 01:18:51,269
Yeah, bite me, Captain Kirk!
1615
01:18:51,353 --> 01:18:53,105
Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.
Hey! Come on. That's Star Trek!
1616
01:18:53,188 --> 01:18:54,398
Yeah, that's two
different franchises.
1617
01:18:54,564 --> 01:18:56,108
Yeah, sorry, guys.
She doesn't know.
1618
01:18:56,191 --> 01:18:58,568
Nah, it's okay.
I'm sorry you have to deal with that.
1619
01:18:59,444 --> 01:19:00,987
All right, let's go.
1620
01:19:02,239 --> 01:19:03,907
Oh, hey, come on.
It's not worth it, man.
1621
01:19:03,990 --> 01:19:05,575
Come on.
1622
01:19:14,042 --> 01:19:15,752
(SIGHS)
1623
01:19:23,760 --> 01:19:26,388
This Patrick Meighan's
got a classy setup, huh?
1624
01:19:26,471 --> 01:19:27,514
Mmm.
1625
01:19:32,227 --> 01:19:34,855
And there is our
first impression.
1626
01:19:35,355 --> 01:19:37,357
Ms. Jackson?
Mr. Meighan will see you now.
1627
01:19:37,441 --> 01:19:39,025
Oh, okay. Thank you.
1628
01:19:45,740 --> 01:19:48,118
Ah, Ms. Jackson. Do come in.
1629
01:19:48,702 --> 01:19:50,537
Mr. Meighan,
this is such an honor.
1630
01:19:50,704 --> 01:19:52,289
Thank you so much
for meeting with us.
1631
01:19:52,372 --> 01:19:54,624
Not at all. It's my pleasure.
Please, sit down.
1632
01:19:54,833 --> 01:19:56,960
Oh, this office is
fucking awesome.
1633
01:19:57,043 --> 01:19:58,962
Yeah, totally. Hey, hey.
1634
01:19:59,212 --> 01:20:00,464
You ever bring chicks up here?
1635
01:20:01,381 --> 01:20:02,549
What do you think?
1636
01:20:02,799 --> 01:20:05,886
I think I want to sleep on a bed
made of your voice.
1637
01:20:07,554 --> 01:20:09,014
I'll get right down to it.
1638
01:20:09,306 --> 01:20:11,099
I don't want to waste
too much of your time.
1639
01:20:12,893 --> 01:20:15,729
Ted, I've been
reviewing your file.
1640
01:20:16,021 --> 01:20:18,315
And while I'm sympathetic
to your cause,
1641
01:20:18,398 --> 01:20:21,610
I'm sorry to say
I won't be taking your case.
1642
01:20:21,735 --> 01:20:22,819
What?
Why?
1643
01:20:22,903 --> 01:20:23,904
Why not?
1644
01:20:24,029 --> 01:20:25,822
Well, it comes down to this.
1645
01:20:27,908 --> 01:20:30,702
You want to be human
in the eyes of the law.
1646
01:20:31,036 --> 01:20:33,413
That's a hard sell,
even for me.
1647
01:20:33,914 --> 01:20:36,333
See, the important
thing about being human
1648
01:20:36,416 --> 01:20:38,793
is making a contribution
to society.
1649
01:20:38,877 --> 01:20:41,254
Assisting in
the betterment of your race.
1650
01:20:41,630 --> 01:20:43,423
You've done none of that.
1651
01:20:43,590 --> 01:20:45,217
I've read about your life.
1652
01:20:45,383 --> 01:20:48,553
The drugs, the parties,
the prostitutes, the arrests.
1653
01:20:48,637 --> 01:20:51,056
Mr. Meighan, we've come
a long way to meet you
1654
01:20:51,139 --> 01:20:52,766
because you said
that you could help us.
1655
01:20:53,099 --> 01:20:55,018
I said I would consider it.
1656
01:20:55,602 --> 01:20:56,937
And I have.
1657
01:20:58,271 --> 01:21:00,607
Ted, you're special.
1658
01:21:00,941 --> 01:21:03,318
You could've been
an inspiration to the world.
1659
01:21:03,485 --> 01:21:05,654
Could've been a leader,
a role model.
1660
01:21:06,613 --> 01:21:08,240
Instead you're
1661
01:21:09,115 --> 01:21:10,283
Justin Bieber.
1662
01:21:10,825 --> 01:21:11,826
Fuck you!
1663
01:21:11,952 --> 01:21:13,203
Hey, Ted! Come on!
I'm sorry.
1664
01:21:13,286 --> 01:21:15,288
He doesn't mean that.
Please forgive me, I'm sorry.
1665
01:21:15,455 --> 01:21:16,748
There's just no indication
1666
01:21:16,831 --> 01:21:19,751
that you've had any positive effect
on the world around you.
1667
01:21:19,918 --> 01:21:22,587
Well, that's not true.
He's had a positive effect on me.
1668
01:21:22,754 --> 01:21:25,632
Would that positive effect
be your joint arrest
1669
01:21:25,715 --> 01:21:28,051
for purchasing
marijuana in 2003?
1670
01:21:28,134 --> 01:21:30,845
Well, how the fuck do you prepare for
a Foo Fighters concert?
1671
01:21:32,681 --> 01:21:34,724
You know why
you lost this case?
1672
01:21:36,309 --> 01:21:38,311
It can't be argued by reason.
1673
01:21:38,687 --> 01:21:41,815
The precedent it sets would affect
the public directly.
1674
01:21:42,023 --> 01:21:45,277
And unfortunately,
the public doesn't judge by reason.
1675
01:21:45,360 --> 01:21:47,571
It judges by emotion.
1676
01:21:48,947 --> 01:21:51,783
And you can't appeal
an emotional conviction.
1677
01:21:52,200 --> 01:21:55,662
Nonetheless, I wish you all the best
in your efforts.
1678
01:21:57,998 --> 01:21:59,499
He needs help.
1679
01:22:00,000 --> 01:22:01,501
And from what
I know about you,
1680
01:22:01,668 --> 01:22:04,045
at one point in your
career that would've been enough.
1681
01:22:04,921 --> 01:22:08,341
I'm sorry you're not
who I hoped you'd be.
1682
01:22:17,058 --> 01:22:18,893
Are those Tootsie Rolls
just, like, to take?
1683
01:22:21,021 --> 01:22:23,231
Those aren't
supposed to be out.
1684
01:22:34,367 --> 01:22:36,411
So that's it.
I'm property.
1685
01:22:37,203 --> 01:22:39,080
No rights, no nothing.
1686
01:22:39,706 --> 01:22:42,709
Ted, dude, I'm so sorry, man.
This completely sucks.
1687
01:22:43,084 --> 01:22:44,544
I feel terrible.
1688
01:22:45,170 --> 01:22:47,047
I let you guys down
all over again.
1689
01:22:47,172 --> 01:22:50,383
Hey. You didn't let us down, Sam.
You did your best.
1690
01:22:51,593 --> 01:22:53,178
And, look,
regardless of all this shit,
1691
01:22:53,261 --> 01:22:55,847
you're still the best thing that's
happened to me in a long time.
1692
01:23:02,062 --> 01:23:03,063
Oh. Oh, that...
1693
01:23:03,271 --> 01:23:04,397
That's great!
That's fucking great!
1694
01:23:04,481 --> 01:23:05,523
I'm glad you guys
are so happy!
1695
01:23:05,607 --> 01:23:06,650
What?
1696
01:23:06,733 --> 01:23:08,733
What do you mean, "What?"
I'm totally screwed here.
1697
01:23:08,777 --> 01:23:11,279
And you're sitting there
basically banging my lawyer,
1698
01:23:11,363 --> 01:23:13,083
and she's probably
still fucking billing us!
1699
01:23:13,114 --> 01:23:15,200
Well, don't yell at us, dude!
We didn't do anything!
1700
01:23:15,367 --> 01:23:16,660
Yeah, exactly! Exactly!
1701
01:23:16,743 --> 01:23:19,829
Maybe if you guys had spent a little
less time mooning over each other,
1702
01:23:19,913 --> 01:23:22,749
Sam could've won this
thing and I wouldn't be a fucking thing!
1703
01:23:22,832 --> 01:23:25,001
Like garbage or
a piece of shit!
1704
01:23:25,460 --> 01:23:27,796
Hey, we've been fighting
right alongside you the whole way.
1705
01:23:27,879 --> 01:23:28,959
And remember,
you're the one
1706
01:23:29,005 --> 01:23:30,006
who's been pushing me
to get back on the horse.
1707
01:23:30,090 --> 01:23:32,008
I finally meet someone
and you're giving me shit for it?
1708
01:23:32,092 --> 01:23:33,677
Oh, no, you're right.
No, Johnny, it's fine.
1709
01:23:33,760 --> 01:23:34,844
You're right, it's fine.
It's totally fine.
1710
01:23:34,928 --> 01:23:37,347
I got no job,
no marriage and no life!
1711
01:23:37,430 --> 01:23:40,517
But you have fun porking Gollum here,
while I'm left with shit!
1712
01:23:40,684 --> 01:23:41,768
Ted!
1713
01:23:41,935 --> 01:23:42,977
Who's Gollum?
1714
01:23:43,061 --> 01:23:45,105
She's a model.
Ted, come back!
1715
01:23:45,271 --> 01:23:46,356
Leave me alone!
1716
01:23:46,481 --> 01:23:47,607
JOHN: Ted!
SAMANTHA: Ted!
1717
01:23:48,942 --> 01:23:50,110
(SIGHS)
1718
01:23:51,778 --> 01:23:52,904
Shit.
1719
01:24:03,456 --> 01:24:04,457
MAN: Whoa.
1720
01:24:05,458 --> 01:24:06,543
Sorry, bro.
1721
01:24:43,830 --> 01:24:45,290
GUY: Hey, Ted!
1722
01:24:47,333 --> 01:24:48,418
Guy?
1723
01:24:48,501 --> 01:24:49,878
I thought that was you.
What's happening, man?
1724
01:24:49,961 --> 01:24:51,963
Hey, Rick! It is Ted.
1725
01:24:52,046 --> 01:24:53,089
Hey, how you doing?
1726
01:24:53,465 --> 01:24:55,341
Hey, what's going on?
What are you doing here?
1727
01:24:55,467 --> 01:24:59,846
(SIGHS) I just feel at home among the outcasts.
What are you guys doing here?
1728
01:25:00,138 --> 01:25:02,724
Well, you know, Rick and I,
we just come here as a gag.
1729
01:25:02,807 --> 01:25:06,144
Dress up like we're into this shit
and fuck with the nerds.
1730
01:25:06,227 --> 01:25:07,437
Hey, spaz.
1731
01:25:07,520 --> 01:25:10,398
Uh, why don't you go get me some
Big League Chew. How about that, huh?
1732
01:25:10,523 --> 01:25:11,775
(GROANS)
1733
01:25:13,067 --> 01:25:14,360
(BOTH LAUGH)
1734
01:25:14,611 --> 01:25:17,572
Uh-huh. All right,
well, good luck with your dick, there.
1735
01:25:17,655 --> 01:25:19,032
Right on.
You, too, man.
1736
01:25:20,074 --> 01:25:22,494
God damn it,
that underwear had shit on it!
1737
01:25:27,373 --> 01:25:28,458
Hey.
1738
01:25:29,042 --> 01:25:30,251
Are you Ted?
1739
01:25:30,543 --> 01:25:32,212
Uh, yeah.
1740
01:25:32,504 --> 01:25:33,505
(LAUGHS)
1741
01:25:33,588 --> 01:25:34,964
This is so exciting!
1742
01:25:35,048 --> 01:25:37,383
I was such a big fan of yours
in the early '90s.
1743
01:25:37,634 --> 01:25:40,345
Oh, thanks a lot.
What's your name?
1744
01:25:40,512 --> 01:25:41,971
I'm Raphael.
1745
01:25:42,055 --> 01:25:44,057
Hey, do you think
I could take a picture with you?
1746
01:25:44,349 --> 01:25:45,767
Uh, yeah, yeah. No problem.
1747
01:25:45,850 --> 01:25:47,644
Great, great!
Here, follow me.
1748
01:25:49,437 --> 01:25:51,689
Uh, okay, why are we
doing this back here?
1749
01:25:51,856 --> 01:25:52,941
Well, you're a celebrity.
1750
01:25:53,024 --> 01:25:55,193
I just don't want you to get mobbed
when people recognize you.
1751
01:25:55,276 --> 01:25:58,154
Yeah, that's true. I've been mistaken
for an Ewok three times today.
1752
01:25:58,238 --> 01:25:59,280
All right,
let's do this.
1753
01:26:04,118 --> 01:26:05,995
Holy shit! Donny!
1754
01:26:06,454 --> 01:26:08,414
It's so good to see you, Ted.
1755
01:26:09,415 --> 01:26:10,792
It's been some time,
hasn't it?
1756
01:26:11,084 --> 01:26:13,253
What, you mean since
you ripped me in half?
1757
01:26:14,254 --> 01:26:15,964
That wasn't supposed to happen.
1758
01:26:16,130 --> 01:26:17,632
That was an accident.
1759
01:26:18,466 --> 01:26:20,718
I have some big plans
for you, Ted.
1760
01:26:21,469 --> 01:26:22,929
Very big plans.
1761
01:26:23,429 --> 01:26:25,056
I need you to come
with me now.
1762
01:26:25,223 --> 01:26:26,223
Go to hell!
1763
01:26:26,266 --> 01:26:27,267
(GRUNTS)
1764
01:26:39,320 --> 01:26:41,114
RICK: Nice lunch, spaz.
1765
01:26:50,915 --> 01:26:52,333
Hey! What the hell!
1766
01:26:56,921 --> 01:26:58,673
He could be anywhere.
We're not gonna find him.
1767
01:26:58,756 --> 01:27:00,049
We should just
wait by the car.
1768
01:27:00,133 --> 01:27:01,718
What do you mean?
We have to find him, okay?
1769
01:27:01,801 --> 01:27:03,845
He's a teddy bear on
his own in New York, for God's sakes.
1770
01:27:03,928 --> 01:27:05,638
(SCOFFS)
(CELLPHONE RINGING)
1771
01:27:07,640 --> 01:27:08,683
Hello?
1772
01:27:08,766 --> 01:27:10,560
Johnny, Johnny, it's me.
You got to help me.
1773
01:27:10,643 --> 01:27:12,979
Ted, where are you? Dude, we've
been looking everywhere for you.
1774
01:27:13,187 --> 01:27:16,649
I'm at Comic Con,
but, John, it's Donny! He's here!
1775
01:27:16,774 --> 01:27:18,234
He's after me.
You got to get over here.
1776
01:27:18,318 --> 01:27:19,903
What the fuck?
Did you just say "Donny"?
1777
01:27:19,986 --> 01:27:21,070
John, what's going on?
1778
01:27:21,154 --> 01:27:22,697
Yes, it's him! He's...
1779
01:27:24,616 --> 01:27:25,825
Oh, shit!
1780
01:27:29,203 --> 01:27:30,830
Ted! Ted, hello?
1781
01:27:31,080 --> 01:27:32,916
What's the matter?
Oh, my God. Déjà vu.
1782
01:27:33,166 --> 01:27:34,667
We got to get to
Comic Con. Come on!
1783
01:27:39,339 --> 01:27:41,007
Get out of the way!
1784
01:27:52,685 --> 01:27:54,187
You know,
1785
01:27:55,229 --> 01:27:57,398
I really love
that Neil Diamond.
1786
01:27:58,066 --> 01:28:02,862
Especially that song they sing
at the Red Sox games.
1787
01:28:04,656 --> 01:28:06,532
It's just so infectious.
1788
01:28:07,116 --> 01:28:09,243
You just can't
help but sing along.
1789
01:28:10,411 --> 01:28:14,749
(SINGING) Hands touching hands
1790
01:28:16,334 --> 01:28:18,294
Reaching out
1791
01:28:19,295 --> 01:28:24,759
Touching me, touching you
1792
01:28:25,134 --> 01:28:28,805
Sweet Caroline
1793
01:28:28,888 --> 01:28:30,306
Bah, bah, bah!
1794
01:28:30,390 --> 01:28:31,391
Fuck!
1795
01:28:32,100 --> 01:28:33,226
Crazy son of a bitch!
1796
01:28:33,935 --> 01:28:35,269
(TED GRUNTING)
1797
01:28:36,854 --> 01:28:37,981
MAN: Hey!
1798
01:28:38,064 --> 01:28:39,399
What are you doing
to that bear?
1799
01:28:39,816 --> 01:28:41,067
I'm sorry. I, uh...
1800
01:28:41,234 --> 01:28:42,986
You better be planning
on buying that!
1801
01:28:43,569 --> 01:28:45,780
He just reminds me
of when I was a kid.
1802
01:28:45,863 --> 01:28:46,863
Yeah, that's great.
1803
01:28:46,906 --> 01:28:47,907
$40.
1804
01:28:47,991 --> 01:28:49,242
Okay.
1805
01:28:50,410 --> 01:28:51,911
I have $40, here.
1806
01:29:01,796 --> 01:29:02,839
You see him anywhere?
1807
01:29:02,922 --> 01:29:04,674
No. Let's try in there.
1808
01:29:07,760 --> 01:29:10,480
Hi. Have any of you guys seen
a talking teddy bear run through here?
1809
01:29:10,555 --> 01:29:12,598
Shh. They're about
to announce the new Superman.
1810
01:29:12,682 --> 01:29:15,268
The new Superman is...
1811
01:29:15,560 --> 01:29:16,811
Jonah Hill!
1812
01:29:17,061 --> 01:29:18,104
Fuck!
1813
01:29:18,187 --> 01:29:19,564
Who's Superman?
What?
1814
01:29:19,647 --> 01:29:21,691
I'm just kidding.
I'm fucking with you.
Come on!
1815
01:29:22,525 --> 01:29:24,777
And if that is
not big enough news,
1816
01:29:24,861 --> 01:29:27,697
Hasbro will be
unveiling a brand-new line
1817
01:29:27,780 --> 01:29:30,616
of Transformers
merchandise next fall.
1818
01:29:30,867 --> 01:29:32,243
(CHEERING)
1819
01:29:32,702 --> 01:29:34,287
We've got a brand-new
line of Decepticons...
1820
01:29:34,370 --> 01:29:35,371
Hey!
1821
01:29:35,455 --> 01:29:36,815
...that is gonna be...
Fresh cakes.
1822
01:29:36,873 --> 01:29:38,374
Fresh cakes.
1823
01:29:39,459 --> 01:29:40,793
Fresh cakes.
1824
01:29:43,087 --> 01:29:44,130
Comic Con fans,
1825
01:29:44,213 --> 01:29:46,053
let's take a look at
this thrilling sizzle reel
1826
01:29:46,132 --> 01:29:47,925
with all of our
exciting new toys.
1827
01:29:48,551 --> 01:29:49,594
Take a look.
1828
01:29:49,677 --> 01:29:50,803
(CHEERING)
1829
01:29:55,808 --> 01:29:58,186
Come on, there's an empty
supply room downstairs.
1830
01:29:58,269 --> 01:29:59,270
Is that him?
1831
01:29:59,353 --> 01:30:01,355
Yeah, there was
an issue, so he's
1832
01:30:01,439 --> 01:30:02,899
unconscious now,
but yeah, this is him.
1833
01:30:02,982 --> 01:30:05,193
Jesus!
Why did you bring him here?
1834
01:30:05,276 --> 01:30:07,361
I've been following
him around since yesterday.
1835
01:30:07,445 --> 01:30:10,907
This was the only chance I could get
him alone. I had to move fast.
1836
01:30:10,990 --> 01:30:12,033
Hey, Ted!
1837
01:30:13,868 --> 01:30:14,911
Is that you?
1838
01:30:14,994 --> 01:30:16,954
Uh, yeah, he had
a little too much to drink.
1839
01:30:17,038 --> 01:30:19,999
He puked a pile of cotton
all over this little girl in a stroller
1840
01:30:20,083 --> 01:30:22,585
so we're gonna take him back
and sober him up.
1841
01:30:22,668 --> 01:30:24,420
Ah, rock on, Ted.
1842
01:30:24,504 --> 01:30:25,630
Eff yeah.
1843
01:30:25,713 --> 01:30:29,509
Hey, guys, be careful
out there. Some nerd spilled his lunch.
1844
01:30:30,051 --> 01:30:31,844
Hey, watch that floor.
Comes up fast, man.
1845
01:30:38,518 --> 01:30:39,769
Hey, Johnny.
1846
01:30:39,852 --> 01:30:40,895
Guy?
1847
01:30:41,187 --> 01:30:43,481
Man, it's a goddamn party
here today.
1848
01:30:43,815 --> 01:30:45,650
Hey, I remember
you from the wedding.
1849
01:30:45,817 --> 01:30:47,693
You get a nose job?
No.
1850
01:30:48,027 --> 01:30:49,695
Yes, you did,
you fucking liar.
1851
01:30:49,779 --> 01:30:51,322
Hey, we just ran
into your buddy Ted.
1852
01:30:51,405 --> 01:30:52,448
Ted? Where is he?
1853
01:30:52,532 --> 01:30:55,868
He got a little wasted, so these two
dudes took him out back to sober up.
1854
01:30:56,035 --> 01:30:57,036
Did you see
which way they went?
1855
01:30:57,161 --> 01:30:59,001
Yeah, yeah. Back hallway,
past the photo booth.
1856
01:30:59,038 --> 01:31:00,164
Come on!
1857
01:31:00,998 --> 01:31:02,208
Thirsty, Urkel?
1858
01:31:03,543 --> 01:31:05,211
I fucking love this place.
1859
01:31:11,926 --> 01:31:12,927
(GRUNTS)
1860
01:31:14,220 --> 01:31:16,806
What the fuck?
What the fuck's going on here?
1861
01:31:16,973 --> 01:31:18,057
Who the hell are you?
1862
01:31:18,266 --> 01:31:20,643
He really is
extraordinary, isn't he?
1863
01:31:20,726 --> 01:31:23,146
You son of a bitch!
This is kidnapping!
1864
01:31:23,312 --> 01:31:25,064
No, it's not.
1865
01:31:25,314 --> 01:31:29,735
Kidnapping only applies to people.
And you, Ted, you're property.
1866
01:31:29,861 --> 01:31:31,737
Yeah, so is
that fucking hairpiece.
1867
01:31:35,533 --> 01:31:37,076
What do you say there,
happy face?
1868
01:31:37,243 --> 01:31:40,329
Right there. Death to Ming.
Yeah! Come on. All right.
1869
01:31:40,413 --> 01:31:41,914
Happy guy.
1870
01:31:42,081 --> 01:31:45,418
Right there.
Death to Ming.
Good, yeah.
1871
01:31:47,253 --> 01:31:48,504
Hey, Bennett!
1872
01:31:49,881 --> 01:31:50,882
Oh, shit!
1873
01:31:50,965 --> 01:31:52,425
You messed up my car.
1874
01:31:52,508 --> 01:31:54,051
What the hell is wrong with you?
1875
01:31:54,135 --> 01:31:56,721
Look, Sam, this is a really bad time,
all right? Something happened to Ted.
1876
01:31:56,804 --> 01:32:00,308
But it was a good time
for you to vandalize my Chrysler though.
1877
01:32:00,391 --> 01:32:02,143
Hey, fuck your Chrysler!
1878
01:32:02,643 --> 01:32:03,769
(YELLS)
1879
01:32:07,815 --> 01:32:09,150
(RIPS)
(GASPS)
1880
01:32:11,485 --> 01:32:12,695
Holy shit!
1881
01:32:12,778 --> 01:32:15,114
Look, Donny, Donny!
You don't wanna do this! Okay?
1882
01:32:15,406 --> 01:32:17,116
Think about what
happened at Fenway.
1883
01:32:17,200 --> 01:32:20,703
You remember?
You cut me open, that's it!
I'm gone, dead!
1884
01:32:21,287 --> 01:32:22,872
Just a regular old teddy bear.
1885
01:32:22,955 --> 01:32:24,999
I won't be any
fun then, will I?
1886
01:32:25,291 --> 01:32:26,959
This isn't about you, Ted.
1887
01:32:27,501 --> 01:32:29,003
You're only one bear.
1888
01:32:29,337 --> 01:32:31,017
We're gonna figure out
what makes you real,
1889
01:32:31,088 --> 01:32:32,673
and then we're gonna
make millions of Teds.
1890
01:32:32,757 --> 01:32:34,717
One for every
child in the world.
1891
01:32:35,259 --> 01:32:36,636
One for me.
1892
01:32:38,679 --> 01:32:41,557
One that loves me
just as much as you love John.
1893
01:32:41,807 --> 01:32:44,393
Look, Donny,
I can never love you.
1894
01:32:44,560 --> 01:32:47,313
God, that sounds fucked up.
Listen, I don't wanna die.
1895
01:32:47,480 --> 01:32:48,522
Okay? So, uh...
1896
01:32:48,898 --> 01:32:50,650
What if I gave you
a hand job outside
1897
01:32:50,733 --> 01:32:52,485
your pants while
you ate an ice cream?
1898
01:32:55,655 --> 01:32:57,323
I'll give you a minute.
1899
01:32:58,574 --> 01:32:59,784
(SAM GRUNTING)
1900
01:33:03,663 --> 01:33:04,664
Come here!
1901
01:33:06,457 --> 01:33:07,667
(GRUNTING)
1902
01:33:10,962 --> 01:33:12,171
(SCREAMING)
1903
01:33:16,509 --> 01:33:17,510
(YELLS)
1904
01:33:21,639 --> 01:33:22,640
(GASPS)
1905
01:33:22,974 --> 01:33:24,225
(YELLING)
1906
01:33:26,102 --> 01:33:27,687
(SCREAMING)
1907
01:33:38,281 --> 01:33:39,907
Hey, check it out. Nerd fight.
1908
01:33:40,241 --> 01:33:41,242
Ah!
1909
01:33:45,371 --> 01:33:46,372
(WHOOPING)
1910
01:33:47,873 --> 01:33:48,874
(SCREECHING)
1911
01:33:53,170 --> 01:33:54,213
Come here.
1912
01:34:00,386 --> 01:34:01,512
Come on.
1913
01:34:08,185 --> 01:34:10,021
I'll see you in heaven, Ted.
1914
01:34:17,486 --> 01:34:19,155
Ted!
Johnny!
1915
01:34:19,322 --> 01:34:20,364
Who the hell are you?
1916
01:34:20,906 --> 01:34:22,783
Get away from him,
you bastard!
1917
01:34:22,867 --> 01:34:24,952
Ted, you okay, buddy?
Johnny, thank God!
1918
01:34:25,036 --> 01:34:26,037
I'm out.
1919
01:34:26,120 --> 01:34:28,456
Wait, Mr. Jessup, please don't go. Come on,
we can still do this.
1920
01:34:28,539 --> 01:34:31,167
You're on your own, Danny.
I can't be implicated in any of this.
1921
01:34:31,250 --> 01:34:32,450
Wait, wait, wait. Who are you?
1922
01:34:32,752 --> 01:34:34,253
I work for Mattel.
1923
01:34:36,255 --> 01:34:37,590
You piece of shit.
1924
01:34:37,757 --> 01:34:39,925
Killing him at Fenway Park
wasn't enough for you, huh?
1925
01:34:40,551 --> 01:34:41,719
What do you wanna do now?
1926
01:34:41,802 --> 01:34:45,348
You don't deserve him, John.
You never did. You never did!
1927
01:34:45,639 --> 01:34:47,641
I've been wanting
to do this for a long time.
1928
01:34:50,102 --> 01:34:51,262
TED: A-ha! I fucking knew it!
1929
01:34:52,313 --> 01:34:53,564
Come on.
1930
01:35:05,242 --> 01:35:08,329
Listen, Johnny,
I wanna tell you how sorry I am.
1931
01:35:08,496 --> 01:35:09,705
No, forget it, buddy.
1932
01:35:09,789 --> 01:35:12,583
Look, Teddy, you were upset, and I shouldn't
have brushed it off. I'm so sorry.
1933
01:35:12,666 --> 01:35:13,751
No, listen to me.
1934
01:35:13,834 --> 01:35:16,087
Just listen to me.
You, too, Sam.
1935
01:35:16,170 --> 01:35:18,130
I acted like an asshole.
1936
01:35:18,214 --> 01:35:21,801
All right? I was just hurting
because I knew I'd lost.
1937
01:35:22,593 --> 01:35:26,722
And that, in the eyes of the world,
I'll always be property.
1938
01:35:27,473 --> 01:35:29,892
But you know what?
Who gives a shit? Right?
1939
01:35:29,975 --> 01:35:33,270
It doesn't matter what the world calls me.
I know who I am.
1940
01:35:33,646 --> 01:35:35,147
And that's all
that's important.
1941
01:35:35,856 --> 01:35:37,608
And I know who my friends are.
1942
01:35:38,025 --> 01:35:39,318
And honest to God,
1943
01:35:39,402 --> 01:35:42,905
if you two want to be together, nothing
would make me happier.
1944
01:35:43,280 --> 01:35:44,740
Aw, buddy,
I love you for that.
1945
01:35:44,824 --> 01:35:46,700
Thanks, Ted. That means a lot.
1946
01:35:48,869 --> 01:35:52,164
And for what it's worth,
as far as I'm concerned,
1947
01:35:52,790 --> 01:35:53,999
you're a person.
1948
01:35:54,458 --> 01:35:56,752
As much as anybody
I've ever known.
1949
01:35:56,836 --> 01:36:01,674
Sam, that means the world coming from
someone who went to Arizona State.
1950
01:36:18,023 --> 01:36:19,191
Ted!
1951
01:36:28,200 --> 01:36:29,493
Holy shit! Johnny!
1952
01:36:29,618 --> 01:36:31,454
Oh, my God. John!
Johnny!
1953
01:36:31,537 --> 01:36:32,746
John!
Oh, Jesus!
1954
01:36:32,830 --> 01:36:34,290
Are you okay?
Johnny, you all right?
1955
01:36:34,373 --> 01:36:35,374
Shit.
1956
01:36:35,458 --> 01:36:36,792
John, hey.
Oh, my God.
1957
01:36:36,876 --> 01:36:38,127
Jesus, what happened here?
1958
01:36:38,210 --> 01:36:39,545
The rocket ship just hit him!
1959
01:36:39,712 --> 01:36:41,993
Jesus Christ, that's
the starship Enterprise... Forget it.
1960
01:36:42,047 --> 01:36:43,466
Somebody call 911!
1961
01:36:43,549 --> 01:36:45,426
Johnny? John, come on,
stay with me, pal.
1962
01:36:45,551 --> 01:36:47,803
We need an ambulance
at 655 West 34th.
1963
01:36:47,887 --> 01:36:49,138
How the hell did it fall?
1964
01:36:49,221 --> 01:36:50,222
I don't know!
1965
01:36:53,267 --> 01:36:54,310
TED: It was him!
1966
01:36:54,393 --> 01:36:55,873
The guy dressed like
the Ninja Turtle!
1967
01:37:01,192 --> 01:37:02,234
Which one?
1968
01:37:02,401 --> 01:37:06,030
All right, two can play this Where's Waldo shit,
you son of a bitch!
1969
01:37:06,113 --> 01:37:07,364
Sam, give me your phone.
1970
01:37:18,209 --> 01:37:20,127
(80s POP SONG PLAYING)
1971
01:37:27,593 --> 01:37:28,594
That's him.
1972
01:37:32,556 --> 01:37:33,599
Get off me!
1973
01:37:34,225 --> 01:37:35,476
Get off me!
1974
01:37:37,895 --> 01:37:39,104
Johnny?
1975
01:37:39,563 --> 01:37:40,731
Johnny, come on.
1976
01:37:41,398 --> 01:37:43,025
Johnny, you got to
wake up, pal.
1977
01:37:43,609 --> 01:37:44,652
Johnny, wake up!
1978
01:37:45,402 --> 01:37:46,820
Wake up, Johnny.
1979
01:37:47,738 --> 01:37:49,156
Johnny.
1980
01:37:49,240 --> 01:37:50,616
Johnny, wake up!
1981
01:37:51,992 --> 01:37:53,827
Johnny, wake up.
1982
01:38:39,331 --> 01:38:42,167
Hi. How is he?
Is he gonna come out of it?
1983
01:38:42,501 --> 01:38:45,379
I don't know, Ms. Jackson.
We've done everything we can
1984
01:38:45,588 --> 01:38:47,590
and it's all up to him now.
1985
01:38:57,683 --> 01:38:58,851
John,
1986
01:38:59,685 --> 01:39:01,353
please wake up.
1987
01:39:06,233 --> 01:39:08,944
(HEART MONITOR FLAT LINING)
1988
01:39:09,987 --> 01:39:10,988
Somebody help!
1989
01:39:11,071 --> 01:39:12,615
Oh, my God, John!
John? Johnny?
1990
01:39:12,781 --> 01:39:14,700
Hello?
There's something happening.
1991
01:39:14,908 --> 01:39:15,951
Mr. Bennett?
1992
01:39:16,410 --> 01:39:18,329
Something's wrong.
What's going on?
What's happening to him?
1993
01:39:18,412 --> 01:39:19,872
Mr. Bennett? John?
1994
01:39:20,706 --> 01:39:23,042
We have a Code Blue in Room 134!
What does that mean?
1995
01:39:23,125 --> 01:39:24,460
I'm sorry. You three are gonna
have to wait outside.
1996
01:39:24,543 --> 01:39:25,794
What the hell is going on?
Is he gonna be okay?
1997
01:39:25,878 --> 01:39:26,920
The doctors will do
everything they can,
1998
01:39:27,004 --> 01:39:29,089
but I need youto go to the
waiting area now, please.
1999
01:39:29,173 --> 01:39:30,341
Excuse me, excuse me.
2000
01:39:30,424 --> 01:39:31,467
What's the status?
2001
01:39:31,550 --> 01:39:33,135
He was stable a minute ago
and now he's unresponsive.
2002
01:39:33,218 --> 01:39:35,387
The monitor says he's in asystole.
He's not breathing, no pulse.
2003
01:39:35,471 --> 01:39:37,056
Start compressions.
Prepare to intubate.
2004
01:39:37,181 --> 01:39:38,581
Give him a milligram
of epinephrine.
2005
01:40:08,629 --> 01:40:10,255
I'm sorry.
2006
01:40:11,715 --> 01:40:12,883
He didn't make it.
2007
01:40:16,553 --> 01:40:17,638
What?
2008
01:40:19,098 --> 01:40:20,307
Johnny.
2009
01:40:21,058 --> 01:40:23,227
If you'd like, you can go in
2010
01:40:23,310 --> 01:40:24,978
and say your goodbyes.
2011
01:41:04,810 --> 01:41:06,103
Johnny.
2012
01:41:08,313 --> 01:41:10,232
You were my thunder buddy.
2013
01:41:12,651 --> 01:41:15,070
You were my thunder buddy
for life.
2014
01:41:17,406 --> 01:41:21,160
And you gave up your own life
to save mine.
2015
01:41:24,455 --> 01:41:26,206
The only problem is
2016
01:41:28,500 --> 01:41:31,754
I don't know how
my life works without you.
2017
01:41:36,049 --> 01:41:37,509
Goodbye, John.
2018
01:41:40,721 --> 01:41:42,639
I got you, motherfucker!
(ALL SCREAMING)
2019
01:41:43,891 --> 01:41:46,435
Holy shit! Zombie!
He's a fucking zombie!
2020
01:41:47,186 --> 01:41:48,854
I totally fucking got you!
2021
01:41:49,688 --> 01:41:50,814
Holy shit!
2022
01:41:50,898 --> 01:41:52,733
You should have seen
your fucking face!
2023
01:41:52,983 --> 01:41:54,234
You son of a bitch!
2024
01:41:54,318 --> 01:41:55,819
That was fucking classic!
2025
01:41:55,903 --> 01:41:58,822
Wait, wait, wait. This is payback because
I made you think that I was retarded!
2026
01:41:58,906 --> 01:42:00,306
You made me think
you were retarded!
2027
01:42:00,365 --> 01:42:01,408
Oh! Well done!
2028
01:42:01,533 --> 01:42:03,285
Well done, man. High five.
(LAUGHING)
2029
01:42:03,368 --> 01:42:04,411
High five.
2030
01:42:04,536 --> 01:42:06,538
What the fuck is going on?
2031
01:42:06,622 --> 01:42:10,793
What's going on, is this guy
just won the bullshit comedy blue ribbon.
2032
01:42:10,876 --> 01:42:13,420
You are the fucking greatest, man.
Holy shit!
2033
01:42:13,879 --> 01:42:15,631
Wait. How was the doctor
in on it?
2034
01:42:15,714 --> 01:42:17,800
They got me out of it with the paddles.
I was totally fine.
2035
01:42:17,883 --> 01:42:19,259
So I talked him into
going along with the bit.
2036
01:42:19,343 --> 01:42:21,303
Hey, Doc, it worked out
hilarious. Thanks.
2037
01:42:21,553 --> 01:42:23,555
No problem.
We're a fun hospital.
2038
01:42:23,847 --> 01:42:27,017
You asshole!
You think this shit is funny?
2039
01:42:27,267 --> 01:42:28,769
Do you know how devastated
I was?
2040
01:42:28,852 --> 01:42:30,521
I put a frowny face
on Facebook!
2041
01:42:30,604 --> 01:42:33,023
How am I supposed to
explain that to everybody?
2042
01:42:33,315 --> 01:42:35,359
You could change your
relationship status from "single"
2043
01:42:35,442 --> 01:42:37,611
to "it's complicated."
2044
01:42:38,070 --> 01:42:40,351
You're gonna have to do
a lot better than that.
(SNIFFLING)
2045
01:42:41,114 --> 01:42:44,827
How about, "in a relationship
with John Bennett"?
2046
01:42:45,619 --> 01:42:49,248
Well, we'll have
to talk about that.
2047
01:42:54,127 --> 01:42:55,754
Okay, well, good talk.
2048
01:43:01,260 --> 01:43:02,594
Hey, if you guys
want to bang,
2049
01:43:02,678 --> 01:43:04,054
me and Teddy
can totally leave the room.
2050
01:43:04,137 --> 01:43:06,418
No, no, honey, honey, they're classy,
they're not like us.
2051
01:43:06,473 --> 01:43:08,141
They're good people.
2052
01:43:08,350 --> 01:43:11,395
I'm happy to see everyone
has made a full recovery.
2053
01:43:11,520 --> 01:43:12,604
Mr. Meighan.
What the hell?
2054
01:43:12,688 --> 01:43:13,814
Holy shit!
2055
01:43:13,897 --> 01:43:15,190
Is it all right
if I come in?
2056
01:43:15,732 --> 01:43:17,150
Sure, yeah.
2057
01:43:18,110 --> 01:43:19,486
How are you feeling, John?
2058
01:43:19,903 --> 01:43:21,238
I'm alive.
2059
01:43:21,780 --> 01:43:23,240
You're very lucky.
2060
01:43:23,407 --> 01:43:25,325
I saw what you did on TV.
2061
01:43:25,492 --> 01:43:27,619
Yeah, he saved my ass
is what he did.
2062
01:43:27,786 --> 01:43:30,581
You know why?
Because he's a person.
2063
01:43:30,956 --> 01:43:32,040
And no matter how many
2064
01:43:32,124 --> 01:43:33,625
of you smart-ass Harvard lawyers
try to keep him down,
2065
01:43:33,709 --> 01:43:34,918
you're not gonna change that.
2066
01:43:35,002 --> 01:43:36,420
Not in our eyes.
2067
01:43:36,628 --> 01:43:37,754
Ted is real.
2068
01:43:38,088 --> 01:43:39,631
So you can go fuck yourself.
2069
01:43:40,549 --> 01:43:41,842
I will.
2070
01:43:42,467 --> 01:43:45,012
And as soon as I'm done
fucking myself,
2071
01:43:45,387 --> 01:43:47,389
I'd like to take
your case, Ted.
2072
01:43:47,639 --> 01:43:48,682
What?
Seriously?
2073
01:43:48,765 --> 01:43:50,392
TED: Oh, my God!
You heard that?
2074
01:43:50,475 --> 01:43:52,515
Oh, my gosh!
TED: I don't believe it!
(CLEARS THROAT)
2075
01:43:53,645 --> 01:43:55,272
Maybe we don't want you now.
Shut up.
2076
01:43:55,355 --> 01:43:57,316
No, yeah, we want you.
For sure, we want you.
2077
01:43:57,399 --> 01:43:59,276
What made you
change your mind?
2078
01:43:59,443 --> 01:44:01,570
Well, when I saw
what John did for you,
2079
01:44:02,404 --> 01:44:05,157
that he was willing to
give his life for yours,
2080
01:44:05,574 --> 01:44:07,576
it gave me a kick in the ass.
2081
01:44:07,659 --> 01:44:10,871
Reminded me of why I chose to do
the kind of work I do.
2082
01:44:12,080 --> 01:44:14,291
I'm sorry I turned you away.
2083
01:44:14,374 --> 01:44:15,751
I was wrong.
2084
01:44:16,501 --> 01:44:18,045
As far as I'm concerned,
2085
01:44:18,295 --> 01:44:22,466
anyone who can inspire that
kind of love in another person
2086
01:44:22,549 --> 01:44:24,426
deserves to be called human.
2087
01:44:25,594 --> 01:44:26,678
You mean it?
2088
01:44:26,762 --> 01:44:28,347
I certainly do.
2089
01:44:29,222 --> 01:44:30,223
So,
2090
01:44:30,515 --> 01:44:32,142
shall we get started?
2091
01:44:42,444 --> 01:44:44,112
What defines a person?
2092
01:44:46,531 --> 01:44:48,241
What defines property?
2093
01:44:49,409 --> 01:44:51,036
What's the difference?
2094
01:44:52,746 --> 01:44:57,042
The anthropologist
and ethicist Dawn Prince-Hughes
2095
01:44:57,417 --> 01:45:02,547
argues that the standards for personhood
include self-awareness,
2096
01:45:03,215 --> 01:45:06,385
an ability to understand
complex emotions
2097
01:45:06,718 --> 01:45:09,262
and a capacity for empathy.
2098
01:45:11,098 --> 01:45:16,061
We're all in agreement
that Ted is self-aware.
2099
01:45:18,480 --> 01:45:19,648
What is your name?
2100
01:45:20,232 --> 01:45:21,775
Ted Clubber Lang.
2101
01:45:26,488 --> 01:45:29,950
As for complex emotions
and the capacity for empathy,
2102
01:45:30,701 --> 01:45:32,953
we all saw
the distressing images
2103
01:45:33,036 --> 01:45:35,497
of Ted agonizing
over his fallen friend,
2104
01:45:35,998 --> 01:45:37,040
John Bennett.
2105
01:45:37,541 --> 01:45:39,209
In those images,
2106
01:45:39,334 --> 01:45:44,381
Ted exhibits all of
the remaining qualities of personhood.
2107
01:45:46,508 --> 01:45:48,885
It's right there
for anyone to see.
2108
01:45:50,095 --> 01:45:54,474
And I believe that
a just court must, by definition,
2109
01:45:55,308 --> 01:45:59,146
grant basic human rights
to all those who deserve them,
2110
01:46:00,439 --> 01:46:03,150
just as
the Emancipation Proclamation
2111
01:46:03,400 --> 01:46:06,945
and the Thirteenth
Amendment did so many years ago.
2112
01:46:09,531 --> 01:46:12,159
So, ladies and gentlemen
of the court,
2113
01:46:14,327 --> 01:46:16,246
I invite you
2114
01:46:17,622 --> 01:46:19,833
to change the world.
2115
01:46:22,085 --> 01:46:23,670
(ALL CHEERING AND APPLAUDING)
2116
01:46:39,436 --> 01:46:42,564
Well, Johnny, this is the second time
you've made me real.
2117
01:46:43,315 --> 01:46:44,441
Thanks, pal.
2118
01:46:44,524 --> 01:46:46,401
Hey, you were
always real to me, buddy.
2119
01:46:46,568 --> 01:46:47,736
Even when you weren't.
2120
01:46:47,903 --> 01:46:49,154
Congratulations, Ted.
2121
01:46:49,529 --> 01:46:50,822
Thanks, Sam.
2122
01:46:52,783 --> 01:46:53,825
FEMALE REPORTER: Ted!
2123
01:46:54,159 --> 01:46:56,036
MAN 1: Ted!
MAN 2: Ted! Over here!
2124
01:46:56,119 --> 01:46:57,329
Ted!
2125
01:46:58,705 --> 01:47:00,499
This is quite a victory
for you.
2126
01:47:00,582 --> 01:47:02,667
Is there any statement
that you'd like to make
2127
01:47:02,751 --> 01:47:04,169
now that
you're legally a person?
2128
01:47:04,711 --> 01:47:06,129
Yes, there is.
2129
01:47:08,548 --> 01:47:10,050
Tami-Lynn McCafferty,
2130
01:47:10,425 --> 01:47:12,094
will you marry me?
2131
01:47:13,678 --> 01:47:14,846
Yes.
2132
01:47:15,055 --> 01:47:16,348
(ALL CHEERING)
2133
01:47:20,560 --> 01:47:23,355
MALE NARRATOR: And so
our story comes to an end.
2134
01:47:23,688 --> 01:47:26,650
Ted and Tami-Lynn
were married once again,
2135
01:47:26,733 --> 01:47:31,446
and soon afterward,they adopted a fine,young baby boy.
2136
01:47:31,696 --> 01:47:33,865
Johnny,
meet your new godson,
2137
01:47:34,032 --> 01:47:35,784
Apollo Creed Clubber Lang.
2138
01:47:35,867 --> 01:47:37,953
JOHN: Oh, Teddy,
he's adorable.
2139
01:47:38,120 --> 01:47:40,789
Oh! And we got something for him, too.
John, show him.
2140
01:47:40,872 --> 01:47:42,290
Oh, shit, yeah. Hold on.
2141
01:47:42,374 --> 01:47:43,834
TAMI-LYNN:
He got you something.
2142
01:47:45,418 --> 01:47:46,461
Huh?
2143
01:47:46,545 --> 01:47:47,963
Oh, Johnny!
2144
01:47:48,130 --> 01:47:50,006
TAMI-LYNN:
Oh, Johnny, it's perfect.
2145
01:47:50,173 --> 01:47:53,009
Hey, you know, maybe someday,
if you wish hard enough,
2146
01:47:53,176 --> 01:47:54,511
maybe he'll come to life
2147
01:47:54,678 --> 01:47:56,805
and you guys can do
all kinds of drugs together.
2148
01:47:57,097 --> 01:47:58,807
That's all I want for him.
2149
01:47:58,890 --> 01:48:02,811
Oh! It smells like somebody's got
a poopy diaper.
2150
01:48:02,978 --> 01:48:04,378
Teddy, it's your turn
to change him.
2151
01:48:04,479 --> 01:48:05,814
Oh, yeah, no problem.
2152
01:48:06,606 --> 01:48:09,067
TED: Oh! Fuck me!
TAMI-LYNN: What's the matter?
2153
01:48:09,151 --> 01:48:10,991
TED: That can't be normal.
He's got to be sick.
2154
01:48:11,027 --> 01:48:12,946
TAMI-LYNN: He's not sick,
it's just baby doody.
2155
01:48:13,029 --> 01:48:14,281
JOHN: Yeah, that's what
babies do, Teddy.
2156
01:48:14,406 --> 01:48:16,283
TED: Oh, you don't think this diaper's gross?
JOHN: No.
2157
01:48:16,408 --> 01:48:17,826
TED: All right.Here, catch.
(DIAPER SQUISHING)
2158
01:48:17,909 --> 01:48:20,328
JOHN: Oh, Teddy,what the fuck? (SCREAMING)
2159
01:48:20,453 --> 01:48:23,415
(TED LAUGHING)
Holy shit!Oh, you motherfucker!
2160
01:48:23,582 --> 01:48:26,334
(CAMERA CLICKING)
TED: Hashtag "Shit happens."
2161
01:48:26,751 --> 01:48:28,211
(BIG BAND MUSIC PLAYING)
162560
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