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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:22,291 --> 00:00:24,878 So this is, like, where the South County bus stops. 2 00:00:24,902 --> 00:00:26,862 Yeah, one time I saw this kid get off 3 00:00:26,886 --> 00:00:28,106 with a ferret on a leash. 4 00:00:28,130 --> 00:00:29,716 Yeah, and the guy who drives the bus, Mr. Fargas, 5 00:00:29,740 --> 00:00:31,384 he used to be my soccer coach, 6 00:00:31,408 --> 00:00:34,112 and he said that I wasn't gonna amount to anything, 7 00:00:34,136 --> 00:00:36,614 that I was ill-behaved, and that I ran weird. 8 00:00:36,638 --> 00:00:39,284 Yeah, but then soccer and art got canceled at our school, 9 00:00:39,308 --> 00:00:41,085 and now Fargas is driving a bus, 10 00:00:41,109 --> 00:00:42,896 so, you know, who's the loser now, Farg? 11 00:00:42,920 --> 00:00:44,472 Here it comes! 12 00:00:44,496 --> 00:00:45,587 Go, go, go, go! 13 00:00:50,076 --> 00:00:51,593 Be cool, be cool, be cool, be cool. 14 00:00:56,600 --> 00:00:58,078 Ah, yes! 15 00:00:58,102 --> 00:00:59,987 - Yes! Oh, my God! He's gonna get us! 16 00:01:00,011 --> 00:01:02,990 Run! Take that, Fargas! 17 00:01:03,014 --> 00:01:04,400 Oh, my God! 18 00:01:04,424 --> 00:01:06,144 So Shrub's actually not just my cousin. 19 00:01:06,168 --> 00:01:07,812 - He's also my best friend. - Yeah. 20 00:01:07,836 --> 00:01:09,147 Tell 'em why. 21 00:01:09,171 --> 00:01:10,906 Uh, he's the only person I can share 22 00:01:10,930 --> 00:01:13,151 - a bucket of Munchkins with. - Bingo. 23 00:01:13,175 --> 00:01:14,928 - Don't take a chocolate. I'm not. 24 00:01:14,952 --> 00:01:16,504 So I like the chocolate ones. 25 00:01:16,528 --> 00:01:19,748 I love the butternut ones, but I hate the cinnamon ones, 26 00:01:19,772 --> 00:01:20,916 and Shrub inhales those. 27 00:01:20,940 --> 00:01:22,418 And, like, it's, like, not, 'cause I love 28 00:01:22,442 --> 00:01:25,438 the cinnamon ones so much. I just feel sorry for 'em. 29 00:01:25,462 --> 00:01:26,272 Yeah. 30 00:01:26,296 --> 00:01:27,504 'Cause they're always left. 31 00:01:30,041 --> 00:01:31,591 I like the underdog. 32 00:01:37,215 --> 00:01:38,601 Well, the church moved me here 33 00:01:38,625 --> 00:01:41,437 about eight months ago from Minneapolis, yeah. 34 00:01:41,461 --> 00:01:45,183 Bit of a change, you know. Big responsibility. 35 00:01:45,207 --> 00:01:47,368 But I've really grown fond of the people here. 36 00:01:47,392 --> 00:01:49,295 - Shrub and Kelly, um... 37 00:01:49,319 --> 00:01:51,356 Look, it's not easy 38 00:01:51,380 --> 00:01:53,115 being a young adult these days. 39 00:01:53,139 --> 00:01:54,025 These kids, they need guidance. 40 00:01:54,049 --> 00:01:55,526 This is my bike! 41 00:01:55,550 --> 00:01:59,288 I'm normally "Reverend," but they call me Father Joe. 42 00:01:59,312 --> 00:02:02,717 Sometimes I feel like their dad 43 00:02:02,741 --> 00:02:06,128 proud, concerned. 44 00:02:06,152 --> 00:02:07,963 Father Joe, why don't you, uh, ? 45 00:02:07,987 --> 00:02:10,483 . 46 00:02:10,507 --> 00:02:13,653 But anyway, they're... they're making great progress. 47 00:02:13,677 --> 00:02:15,971 And they've gotten a lot better in their cursing too. 48 00:02:15,995 --> 00:02:18,807 I think this week we had two s. 49 00:02:18,831 --> 00:02:20,643 I'm sorry. 50 00:02:20,667 --> 00:02:24,055 Are you the crew that's filming that movie about us? 51 00:02:24,079 --> 00:02:25,723 Ah, man, come on, all right, okay. 52 00:02:25,747 --> 00:02:26,982 So where... where you staying? 53 00:02:27,006 --> 00:02:28,409 Don't tell me it's Norma's B&B 54 00:02:28,433 --> 00:02:30,170 because I'ma tell you right now, 55 00:02:30,194 --> 00:02:32,580 the Bs stand for "bedbugs," 56 00:02:32,604 --> 00:02:36,659 and the Norma stands for "not normal at all." 57 00:02:36,683 --> 00:02:37,826 I don't want you getting 58 00:02:37,850 --> 00:02:39,179 the wrong impression of Flatch. 59 00:02:39,203 --> 00:02:40,996 We are an upstanding town, 60 00:02:41,020 --> 00:02:43,183 and we deserve some damn attention. 61 00:02:43,207 --> 00:02:46,427 We got two restaurants, one with menus, 62 00:02:46,451 --> 00:02:49,247 and last year, someone gave birth to twins. 63 00:02:49,271 --> 00:02:52,934 So now we got young people all over the place. 64 00:02:52,958 --> 00:02:55,361 The young people are our future. 65 00:02:55,385 --> 00:02:56,103 You know? 66 00:02:56,127 --> 00:02:58,847 Hey, Mandy. 67 00:02:58,871 --> 00:03:00,033 Not them though. 68 00:03:00,057 --> 00:03:02,035 Walking disappointments. 69 00:03:02,059 --> 00:03:04,478 Yes, Flatch does have some colorful characters, 70 00:03:04,502 --> 00:03:06,280 but, you know, it's part of its charm. 71 00:03:06,304 --> 00:03:10,025 I'll miss you, Father! 72 00:03:10,049 --> 00:03:12,528 You guys, we're... We're filming, here. 73 00:03:20,577 --> 00:03:23,038 The Scarecrow Festival is pretty much, like, 74 00:03:23,062 --> 00:03:24,949 the biggest and best day of the year. 75 00:03:24,973 --> 00:03:26,059 People make scarecrows, 76 00:03:26,083 --> 00:03:27,452 they put them up all over town, 77 00:03:27,476 --> 00:03:29,229 and everyone votes for which one's best. 78 00:03:29,253 --> 00:03:30,660 And you are looking at the winner. 79 00:03:30,812 --> 00:03:33,124 Like, I have a killer design and a prime location this year 80 00:03:33,148 --> 00:03:34,567 right on the green. 81 00:03:34,591 --> 00:03:36,903 Like, that guy with that spot last year won the whole thing, 82 00:03:36,927 --> 00:03:38,145 and his was pretty much, like, 83 00:03:38,169 --> 00:03:40,815 some frickin' used clothes and twine. 84 00:03:40,839 --> 00:03:42,224 Winner gets a hot air balloon ride. 85 00:03:42,248 --> 00:03:43,317 Yeah, and you're on the front page 86 00:03:43,341 --> 00:03:45,470 - of the "Flatch Patriot." - It's so dumb. 87 00:03:45,494 --> 00:03:48,248 Oh, and you throwing a frying pan in the air isn't? 88 00:03:48,272 --> 00:03:50,917 "A," the skillet toss takes real skill. 89 00:03:50,941 --> 00:03:53,978 B, there's a trophy. 90 00:03:54,002 --> 00:03:55,813 Fine, I will take my nan on the balloon. 91 00:03:55,837 --> 00:03:57,257 I don't care. 92 00:03:57,281 --> 00:03:59,484 She doesn't even like heights, and you know that. 93 00:03:59,508 --> 00:04:01,002 I'm about to be in the mile high club 94 00:04:01,026 --> 00:04:02,837 with my grandma while you're on the ground, 95 00:04:02,861 --> 00:04:04,246 crying like a little baby. 96 00:04:04,270 --> 00:04:06,288 I haven't cried since last year, and you know that! 97 00:04:07,124 --> 00:04:08,268 Well, a skillet toss is where you take 98 00:04:08,292 --> 00:04:11,345 a 5-pound pan, bigger than this one, okay, 99 00:04:11,369 --> 00:04:14,004 and you chuck it as far as you possibly can. 100 00:04:15,373 --> 00:04:18,927 I think it came from, like, when the pioneer ladies 101 00:04:18,951 --> 00:04:20,596 would throw things at their kids. 102 00:04:20,620 --> 00:04:23,116 Wait, or the Indians? I don't kn... look it up. 103 00:04:23,140 --> 00:04:24,859 You can look it up. 104 00:04:24,883 --> 00:04:27,011 My dad won it seven years in a row 105 00:04:27,035 --> 00:04:28,029 till he blew his knee out. 106 00:04:28,053 --> 00:04:29,514 Really opened up the field. 107 00:04:29,538 --> 00:04:31,273 My dad and I are super close, so 108 00:04:31,297 --> 00:04:33,108 time to get the gold skillet 109 00:04:33,132 --> 00:04:35,628 back to the Mallet family where it belongs. 110 00:04:35,652 --> 00:04:37,446 Okay, so, like, most people, 111 00:04:37,470 --> 00:04:39,615 they just, like, free-form the whole body. 112 00:04:39,639 --> 00:04:41,950 That's, like... that's amateur if you ask me. 113 00:04:41,974 --> 00:04:44,286 Like, I actually make sure that my scarecrow 114 00:04:44,310 --> 00:04:48,716 has the correct ratio of arm length to head span. 115 00:04:48,740 --> 00:04:51,978 Also, real shoes. 116 00:04:52,002 --> 00:04:54,314 This is what we call a crowd-pleaser. 117 00:04:54,338 --> 00:04:57,391 See, I don't like crowds. I'm not safe in them. 118 00:04:57,415 --> 00:05:00,895 I have a lot of enemies just like my dad, right? 119 00:05:00,919 --> 00:05:02,822 That's why I have my gang to protect me. 120 00:05:02,846 --> 00:05:05,216 Kelly has this group of seventh-grade kids 121 00:05:05,240 --> 00:05:06,809 she hangs out with, and this, like, 122 00:05:06,833 --> 00:05:08,644 freakishly big one from fifth. 123 00:05:08,668 --> 00:05:10,979 Okay, all I want is it to look like it's chairs in a circle 124 00:05:11,003 --> 00:05:11,906 and everything else cleared out. 125 00:05:11,930 --> 00:05:13,407 Does that make sense? 126 00:05:13,431 --> 00:05:16,249 And let's just get better at knowing my needs a little bit. 127 00:05:17,176 --> 00:05:18,987 So his real name's actually Lloyd. 128 00:05:19,011 --> 00:05:20,581 Yeah, after my dad. 129 00:05:20,605 --> 00:05:22,249 Yeah, his dad drank a lot of Busch beer, 130 00:05:22,273 --> 00:05:23,734 so they started calling him Busch. 131 00:05:23,758 --> 00:05:25,753 Yeah, and so they started calling me Shrub, 132 00:05:25,777 --> 00:05:28,497 for, like, a little bush. 133 00:05:28,521 --> 00:05:31,851 But, like, he left when I was a baby, so... 134 00:05:31,875 --> 00:05:33,686 Yeah, but I bet he still drinks beer. 135 00:05:33,710 --> 00:05:35,671 Yeah. 136 00:05:35,695 --> 00:05:37,857 Hey! Screw you too! 137 00:05:37,881 --> 00:05:40,434 Hey, Big Mandy. What's goin' on? 138 00:05:40,458 --> 00:05:42,436 You know that blind guy that lives up the road? 139 00:05:42,460 --> 00:05:45,256 - Blind Billy? - Just walked right into me. 140 00:05:45,280 --> 00:05:47,367 Almost knocked off Colin's scare 'fro. 141 00:05:47,391 --> 00:05:48,868 You doin' the scarecrow contest? 142 00:05:48,892 --> 00:05:50,352 No skillet toss? 143 00:05:50,376 --> 00:05:52,930 Of course I'm doin' the skillet toss. 144 00:05:52,954 --> 00:05:54,187 Okay. 145 00:05:56,716 --> 00:05:58,527 Big Mandy's a lot. 146 00:05:58,551 --> 00:05:59,954 Who's a lot? 147 00:05:59,978 --> 00:06:02,362 - B... Blind Billy. Yeah, he is. 148 00:06:04,408 --> 00:06:06,961 - Seriously, such a weirdo. - So... 149 00:06:06,985 --> 00:06:09,113 Who's a weirdo? 150 00:06:09,137 --> 00:06:11,724 Sh... Shrub. 151 00:06:11,748 --> 00:06:15,544 Yeah, no kiddin'. 152 00:06:17,904 --> 00:06:19,899 Crazy. What? 153 00:06:19,923 --> 00:06:21,550 That's... 154 00:06:21,574 --> 00:06:23,341 Damn right, I am! 155 00:06:26,913 --> 00:06:29,305 She has good hearing. 156 00:06:38,591 --> 00:06:40,645 157 00:06:40,669 --> 00:06:41,829 This is one of the things 158 00:06:41,853 --> 00:06:43,089 that I love about Flatch. 159 00:06:43,113 --> 00:06:44,315 They are really into their festivals. 160 00:06:44,339 --> 00:06:45,166 This guy! This guy's a legend! 161 00:06:45,190 --> 00:06:46,500 Okay, simmer down, guys. 162 00:06:46,524 --> 00:06:48,761 - Legend in the hizz-ouse! - Bad touch, don't do that. 163 00:06:48,785 --> 00:06:49,578 Tell them about the time when we drank 164 00:06:49,602 --> 00:06:50,988 all the cherry wine coolers! 165 00:06:51,012 --> 00:06:53,099 Yeah, he had to take us to get our stomachs pumped! 166 00:06:53,123 --> 00:06:54,917 - Yeah, that wasn't funny. - Oh, but it was! 167 00:06:54,941 --> 00:06:56,269 - It was very scary. - He loves golf. 168 00:06:56,293 --> 00:06:57,495 I do. I do enjoy golf. 169 00:06:57,519 --> 00:07:00,606 Yes, and Chris Pine. He pines for the Pine! 170 00:07:00,630 --> 00:07:01,849 I don't. That's not 171 00:07:01,873 --> 00:07:03,184 - yeah, you do! - Oh, yes you do! 172 00:07:03,208 --> 00:07:05,175 Kelly, another dollar in the church box. 173 00:07:06,970 --> 00:07:09,782 - Hi, Joe. - Cheryl. 174 00:07:09,806 --> 00:07:13,844 Cheryl, legend! 175 00:07:13,868 --> 00:07:15,455 And they used to date. 176 00:07:15,479 --> 00:07:18,958 Oh, uh, I moved here with Joe when he got the job. 177 00:07:18,982 --> 00:07:22,628 Uh, I was a reporter at the "Star Tribune." 178 00:07:22,652 --> 00:07:24,872 Mm-hmm. 179 00:07:24,896 --> 00:07:27,041 Yeah, then he dumped me. 180 00:07:27,065 --> 00:07:31,286 He said he needed space to focus on the church, 181 00:07:31,310 --> 00:07:33,364 and you can't compete with God. 182 00:07:33,388 --> 00:07:35,199 Yeah, I thought I'd move back to the city after, 183 00:07:35,223 --> 00:07:36,976 but, I don't know; This place kind of grew on me, 184 00:07:37,000 --> 00:07:38,369 you know? 185 00:07:38,393 --> 00:07:40,371 And besides, if I hadn't moved to Flatch, 186 00:07:40,395 --> 00:07:42,148 I never would have become the editor 187 00:07:42,172 --> 00:07:45,801 of the "Flatch Patriot," which has a circulation of 535... 188 00:07:45,825 --> 00:07:47,228 And rising. 189 00:07:47,252 --> 00:07:49,380 So it all worked out, you know? 190 00:07:49,404 --> 00:07:52,658 Joe got God, and, uh, apparently Tinder. 191 00:07:52,682 --> 00:07:55,978 And, um, you know, I got my own newspaper. 192 00:07:56,002 --> 00:07:58,480 How cool is that? 193 00:08:03,509 --> 00:08:05,730 We're not allowed to bounce anymore. 194 00:08:05,754 --> 00:08:06,989 It's a long story. 195 00:08:07,013 --> 00:08:09,083 - His fault. - Yeah. 196 00:08:09,107 --> 00:08:11,752 Hey, that's my dad! 197 00:08:11,776 --> 00:08:13,743 - Dad! - Ugh. 198 00:08:15,187 --> 00:08:18,092 - Hey. - How have you been, Dad? 199 00:08:18,116 --> 00:08:20,594 Oh, you know, changing diapers, 200 00:08:20,618 --> 00:08:21,854 busy with the baby. 201 00:08:21,878 --> 00:08:23,264 - Guess what. - What? 202 00:08:23,288 --> 00:08:26,508 I'm doin' the skillet toss. Gonna win it back for us. 203 00:08:26,532 --> 00:08:29,603 - Big Mandy's not competing? - No, she is. 204 00:08:29,627 --> 00:08:31,013 Oh. 205 00:08:31,037 --> 00:08:32,595 Good luck with that, Kel. 206 00:08:36,117 --> 00:08:38,184 Do you wanna hang out maybe a night coming up? 207 00:08:40,138 --> 00:08:42,041 It's really not a great time. 208 00:08:42,065 --> 00:08:44,602 Yeah, you're babied up. I get that. 209 00:08:44,626 --> 00:08:45,626 Yeah. 210 00:08:48,405 --> 00:08:51,125 I better get her back. Jessie'll kick my ass. 211 00:08:51,149 --> 00:08:52,740 She couldn't if she tried. 212 00:08:57,229 --> 00:08:59,706 I'm gonna bring the gold back to the Mallets, Dad! 213 00:09:07,591 --> 00:09:09,310 That was my dad! 214 00:09:09,334 --> 00:09:12,146 Uh, that is where you get your voting sheets. 215 00:09:12,170 --> 00:09:15,241 Um, that is the plant stall. 216 00:09:15,265 --> 00:09:17,318 Uh, don't buy anything from him 217 00:09:17,342 --> 00:09:18,894 'cause it will die in a week. 218 00:09:18,918 --> 00:09:20,062 Trust me. 219 00:09:20,086 --> 00:09:21,414 This is Alice. 220 00:09:21,438 --> 00:09:23,490 Uh, she makes her own soap, but she doesn't bathe, 221 00:09:23,514 --> 00:09:26,085 - so that's what I call irony. - Yeah. 222 00:09:26,109 --> 00:09:29,163 Oh, this is Len. He's a weird, mean, old man. 223 00:09:29,187 --> 00:09:31,482 - Oh, yeah? - Oh, see? 224 00:09:31,506 --> 00:09:35,199 Hey, hey, Beth's back from "cosmetology" school. 225 00:09:36,769 --> 00:09:39,203 Looks like they didn't teach her how to fix her own hair. 226 00:09:39,848 --> 00:09:40,916 She's beautiful. 227 00:09:40,940 --> 00:09:42,584 He has a massive crush on Beth. 228 00:09:42,608 --> 00:09:43,752 Dude! 229 00:09:43,776 --> 00:09:45,496 She has the personality of a diaper wipe. 230 00:09:45,520 --> 00:09:47,255 First semester of cosmetology school 231 00:09:47,279 --> 00:09:49,350 you learn sanitation procedures. 232 00:09:49,374 --> 00:09:52,260 Next semester we get to touch real human hair, 233 00:09:52,284 --> 00:09:55,114 but touching real people with real human hair 234 00:09:55,138 --> 00:09:57,283 isn't until year two. 235 00:09:57,307 --> 00:09:59,285 Problem is there are, like, no people 236 00:09:59,309 --> 00:10:00,953 in this town to get crushes on. 237 00:10:00,977 --> 00:10:03,347 Uh, Beth is objectively foxy. 238 00:10:03,371 --> 00:10:07,109 Um, also I did Match, and it put me with her, 239 00:10:07,133 --> 00:10:09,277 and the next-closest girl was in Indiana. 240 00:10:09,301 --> 00:10:11,113 - That's way too far. - Way too far. 241 00:10:11,137 --> 00:10:13,023 She's about to be wicked impressed 242 00:10:13,047 --> 00:10:14,859 with my big win. 243 00:10:14,883 --> 00:10:16,527 Yeah, this is just lazy. 244 00:10:16,551 --> 00:10:18,195 I mean, if you can't be bothered to make real hands, 245 00:10:18,219 --> 00:10:19,454 you don't deserve to be here. 246 00:10:19,478 --> 00:10:20,381 Simple as that. 247 00:10:20,405 --> 00:10:21,807 Technically not even a scarecrow 248 00:10:21,831 --> 00:10:23,200 because there's no hay in it. 249 00:10:23,224 --> 00:10:25,703 It's just a rag on a stick. 250 00:10:25,727 --> 00:10:27,168 Embarrassing. 251 00:10:28,062 --> 00:10:29,297 I mean, I get it, 252 00:10:29,321 --> 00:10:31,299 but it's not making me feel anything. 253 00:10:31,323 --> 00:10:35,718 Hey, hey! Scrub, hey! 254 00:10:37,013 --> 00:10:38,473 Mickey and me were born on the same day 255 00:10:38,497 --> 00:10:40,885 at the same hospital, so ever since we were babies, 256 00:10:40,909 --> 00:10:42,720 he thinks we're best friends. 257 00:10:42,744 --> 00:10:44,221 Calls me his bro. 258 00:10:44,245 --> 00:10:45,313 No donation is too big... 259 00:10:45,337 --> 00:10:47,149 Or too small! 260 00:10:47,173 --> 00:10:49,317 Dude, the Fourth of July is, like, eight months away. 261 00:10:49,341 --> 00:10:51,745 Yeah, and I don't have any cash on me. 262 00:10:51,769 --> 00:10:53,488 Yeah, also I hate fireworks. 263 00:10:53,512 --> 00:10:55,157 Everyone loves the Flatch fireworks, my bro. 264 00:10:55,181 --> 00:10:56,439 Oh, okay. 265 00:10:56,591 --> 00:10:57,902 And if you don't have cash, you can always donate 266 00:10:57,926 --> 00:10:59,178 in cryptocurrency. 267 00:10:59,202 --> 00:11:02,014 Yeah, Mickey, we'll totally pay you in made-up money. 268 00:11:02,038 --> 00:11:03,349 So sad. 269 00:11:03,373 --> 00:11:05,518 I've been trading Bitcoin for, like, a year now. 270 00:11:05,542 --> 00:11:06,874 Made $1,000. 271 00:11:07,043 --> 00:11:10,523 Ooh, minus the money I spent on the bunting for my stall. 272 00:11:10,547 --> 00:11:13,589 Oh, and the 50 I set aside for Shrub's birthday present. 273 00:11:15,126 --> 00:11:16,845 It's an iguana. 274 00:11:16,869 --> 00:11:18,531 Don't tell my bro. 275 00:11:18,555 --> 00:11:19,940 Do you wanna come over later and "Fortnite"? 276 00:11:19,964 --> 00:11:21,016 Yeah, no. 277 00:11:21,040 --> 00:11:22,259 We are not friends. 278 00:11:22,283 --> 00:11:23,928 He's just the only person in town 279 00:11:23,952 --> 00:11:24,929 with a working PlayStation. 280 00:11:24,953 --> 00:11:26,021 - Yes! - Oh, yeah! 281 00:11:26,045 --> 00:11:28,615 - Oh! - God. 282 00:11:28,639 --> 00:11:30,606 How are you doing it? 283 00:11:32,460 --> 00:11:34,046 Beep, beep, boop, bop, bop. 284 00:11:34,070 --> 00:11:35,530 Oh, that's hilarious! 285 00:11:35,554 --> 00:11:38,259 Yeah, that's not a scarecrow. That is a talking box. 286 00:11:38,283 --> 00:11:41,462 Candy apples do not compute! 287 00:11:41,486 --> 00:11:42,796 Do not compute. 288 00:11:42,820 --> 00:11:44,298 Who is that? Who is that? 289 00:11:44,322 --> 00:11:46,058 Beep, beep, bop, bop. 290 00:11:46,082 --> 00:11:47,801 Why does the scarecrow have a robot voice? 291 00:11:47,825 --> 00:11:50,596 Because I am a robot. 292 00:11:56,075 --> 00:11:58,462 Kelly, hey. 293 00:11:58,486 --> 00:12:00,314 Have you considered joining the Historical Society? 294 00:12:00,338 --> 00:12:02,983 Because, you know, for just $25, 295 00:12:03,007 --> 00:12:05,152 you can preserve Flatch's great past 296 00:12:05,176 --> 00:12:06,804 and secure its future. 297 00:12:06,828 --> 00:12:08,305 Mm, no, Nadine. 298 00:12:08,329 --> 00:12:10,249 I have not considered joining the society 299 00:12:10,273 --> 00:12:13,252 - because I'm not 75 years old. And you don't look it. 300 00:12:13,276 --> 00:12:15,421 Ooh, ooh, be really careful, really old. 301 00:12:15,445 --> 00:12:17,998 Believe it or not, in second grade, 302 00:12:18,022 --> 00:12:20,000 Kelly and I were, like, best friends, 303 00:12:20,024 --> 00:12:22,577 but I guess I kept achieving 304 00:12:22,601 --> 00:12:26,173 and she just never did achieve anything at all. 305 00:12:26,197 --> 00:12:28,583 I consider Colonel Robert Flatch 306 00:12:28,607 --> 00:12:30,102 to be my personal mentor 'cause, you know, 307 00:12:30,126 --> 00:12:33,013 he was just 25 when he founded this town in 1810. 308 00:12:33,037 --> 00:12:35,182 25 years old. It's such a funny story. 309 00:12:35,206 --> 00:12:37,184 Colonel Flatch gets lost one night with his regiment, 310 00:12:37,208 --> 00:12:40,337 and he ends up right here, it turns out, 311 00:12:40,361 --> 00:12:42,114 where they built this latrine. 312 00:12:42,138 --> 00:12:44,024 That one, right there. 313 00:12:44,048 --> 00:12:45,951 Just to think, one whole town 314 00:12:45,975 --> 00:12:47,953 started with one little hole. 315 00:12:47,977 --> 00:12:50,180 It gives me chills to think about it. 316 00:12:50,204 --> 00:12:51,348 Anyway, it's my job to protect it 317 00:12:51,372 --> 00:12:53,292 because, at town events, unfortunately, 318 00:12:53,316 --> 00:12:55,369 people like to use it as a Porta Potti. 319 00:12:55,393 --> 00:12:58,297 Almost there. Time for the unveiling. 320 00:12:58,321 --> 00:13:02,709 It's a prime spot, and I am ready. 321 00:13:02,733 --> 00:13:05,529 Uh, this is my spot. 322 00:13:05,553 --> 00:13:10,206 I'm sorry, Shrub, but I was given this area. 323 00:13:12,060 --> 00:13:15,130 No, I signed up for that spot with Mrs. Wicks months ago. 324 00:13:15,154 --> 00:13:17,041 I'm sorry, Shrub. That's not what the map says. 325 00:13:17,065 --> 00:13:19,301 No, God, Beth has to see me win. 326 00:13:19,325 --> 00:13:20,302 And that's not even a scarecrow. 327 00:13:20,326 --> 00:13:21,320 That is a teddy bear in a hat. 328 00:13:22,570 --> 00:13:25,640 Oh, my God! Even the crows can see that! 329 00:13:25,664 --> 00:13:27,740 Well, it says here that you're at Piswall Farm. 330 00:13:28,426 --> 00:13:31,227 There is no way in hell I'm going there. 331 00:13:34,673 --> 00:13:36,107 Unbelievable. 332 00:13:42,090 --> 00:13:45,736 You know how they, like, release a McRib in February, 333 00:13:45,760 --> 00:13:47,162 and you get all excited, 334 00:13:47,186 --> 00:13:50,015 and then they just take it away like it never happened? 335 00:13:50,039 --> 00:13:52,852 Like, that's how I feel right now 336 00:13:52,876 --> 00:13:54,244 betrayed. 337 00:13:54,268 --> 00:13:56,080 Did you tell people to come vote for me? 338 00:13:56,104 --> 00:13:58,265 Can you help me look for my sneaker, please? 339 00:13:58,289 --> 00:13:59,933 Your shoe does not weigh as much as a skillet. 340 00:13:59,957 --> 00:14:01,268 There's, like, no comparison. 341 00:14:01,292 --> 00:14:02,695 Okay, I told everyone to come, 342 00:14:02,719 --> 00:14:04,196 but everyone's really into the robot scarecrow. 343 00:14:04,220 --> 00:14:05,589 Oh, my God, there's no such thing 344 00:14:05,613 --> 00:14:08,425 as a robot scarecrow! There are no crows in space! 345 00:14:08,449 --> 00:14:09,449 Oh, check it out. 346 00:14:09,541 --> 00:14:11,111 I got a video of it twerking. It's insane. 347 00:14:12,544 --> 00:14:15,523 Whoa, wow. That's really awesome! 348 00:14:15,547 --> 00:14:16,283 Are you kidding me? 349 00:14:16,307 --> 00:14:18,043 Father Joe's been working 350 00:14:18,067 --> 00:14:19,453 with Shrub on his anger issues. 351 00:14:19,477 --> 00:14:22,106 He actually, uh, signed him up for this online class, 352 00:14:22,130 --> 00:14:24,124 but then Shrub sent the teacher 353 00:14:24,148 --> 00:14:26,126 a bunch of middle finger emojis, 354 00:14:26,150 --> 00:14:27,533 so that was that. 355 00:14:32,974 --> 00:14:35,543 Wait. 356 00:14:35,567 --> 00:14:37,788 Levi? 357 00:14:37,812 --> 00:14:40,630 What? Now? 358 00:14:44,594 --> 00:14:45,979 Ugh! 359 00:14:46,003 --> 00:14:47,464 They moved skillet toss time up! 360 00:14:47,488 --> 00:14:48,240 What? 361 00:14:48,264 --> 00:14:51,059 They moved skillet toss time up! 362 00:14:51,083 --> 00:14:52,970 - Why? - More people signed up. 363 00:14:52,994 --> 00:14:55,639 Oh, my God! No, puddle, ah! 364 00:14:57,774 --> 00:14:59,810 Well, I'm young at heart, you know? 365 00:14:59,834 --> 00:15:02,813 How old are you? 366 00:15:02,837 --> 00:15:05,649 June, who just signed up? 367 00:15:05,673 --> 00:15:07,501 It was I. 368 00:15:07,525 --> 00:15:08,761 Oh, my God. 369 00:15:08,785 --> 00:15:10,578 I thought it was someone who could actually beat me. 370 00:15:10,602 --> 00:15:13,415 Oh, Nadine beats Kelly at, like, everything. 371 00:15:13,439 --> 00:15:16,101 In second grade, it was Little Miss Flatch. 372 00:15:16,125 --> 00:15:19,696 In fourth grade, she won the pie eating contest 373 00:15:19,720 --> 00:15:21,181 against Kelly. 374 00:15:21,205 --> 00:15:23,275 And then eighth grade, 375 00:15:23,299 --> 00:15:25,335 Kelly asked Dylan Parney to the school dance, 376 00:15:25,359 --> 00:15:28,005 and then he married Nadine. 377 00:15:28,029 --> 00:15:29,431 Okay, Kelly, Maybe if you had a job, 378 00:15:29,455 --> 00:15:32,100 winning a little contest wouldn't matter so much. 379 00:15:32,124 --> 00:15:33,268 I have a job. I'm an influencer. 380 00:15:33,292 --> 00:15:34,366 Heard of it? 381 00:15:34,460 --> 00:15:36,863 Oh, that's great. Who are you influencing? 382 00:15:36,887 --> 00:15:39,866 Uh, Levi, Nathan S, Nathan G for starters. 383 00:15:39,890 --> 00:15:41,109 Oh, the little kids. 384 00:15:41,133 --> 00:15:42,869 Hey, somebody's ready for their lunch. 385 00:15:42,893 --> 00:15:44,112 Okay, well, 386 00:15:44,136 --> 00:15:45,464 I left you a Lean Cuisine on the counter, Dylan. 387 00:15:45,488 --> 00:15:46,799 I told you that. 388 00:15:46,823 --> 00:15:48,739 - I meant the baby. - Oh. 389 00:15:49,808 --> 00:15:51,361 Hey, Kelly. Good luck today. 390 00:15:51,385 --> 00:15:53,213 Good luck to you too. Thank you. 391 00:15:53,237 --> 00:15:55,329 Okay, give me Chantal. Dylan, careful. 392 00:15:56,516 --> 00:15:59,074 Is she going to breastfeed in the latrine? 393 00:16:00,061 --> 00:16:01,981 Last night she did it on the StairMaster. 394 00:16:02,005 --> 00:16:04,380 - Wow. - Yeah. 395 00:16:12,406 --> 00:16:15,266 Take as many potatoes as you want, son. 396 00:16:16,927 --> 00:16:19,981 Uh, whoa, you fill out your voting form? 397 00:16:20,005 --> 00:16:22,606 Let me see. Shrub Mallet, first place. 398 00:16:24,009 --> 00:16:26,277 All: Oh! 399 00:16:28,013 --> 00:16:30,406 Get out of my field! 400 00:16:31,926 --> 00:16:33,570 Pass your ballots! 401 00:16:33,594 --> 00:16:36,015 You gave away Mr. Piswall's potatoes? 402 00:16:36,039 --> 00:16:37,924 No, people went in and took them! 403 00:16:37,948 --> 00:16:39,409 And he sold my pig for 50 bucks! 404 00:16:39,433 --> 00:16:42,412 No, I... Lester gave me money, 405 00:16:42,436 --> 00:16:44,528 and then the pig followed him to his car. 406 00:16:45,197 --> 00:16:46,692 Shrub, I... I'm going to need you 407 00:16:46,716 --> 00:16:48,085 to apologize to Mr. Piswall. 408 00:16:48,109 --> 00:16:49,603 Why don't you apologize to me? 409 00:16:49,627 --> 00:16:52,180 Because you're the one who gave me the wrong, crappy location. 410 00:16:52,204 --> 00:16:55,183 - Are you calling my farm crap? - I am! 411 00:16:55,207 --> 00:16:57,018 I run a pristine venture out there! 412 00:16:57,042 --> 00:16:58,445 Mm. 413 00:16:58,469 --> 00:17:01,898 And you and your friends go in there and muck it all up. 414 00:17:01,922 --> 00:17:03,876 Look at this, Father. Look at this. 415 00:17:03,900 --> 00:17:06,194 This was right in the middle of my field. 416 00:17:06,218 --> 00:17:07,621 Oh, right, well, I have no idea whose that is. 417 00:17:07,645 --> 00:17:09,195 Yes! 418 00:17:09,906 --> 00:17:12,740 Shrub, apologize now. 419 00:17:15,561 --> 00:17:16,744 I'm sorry. 420 00:17:18,280 --> 00:17:20,784 - happy now? - Oh, that's it! 421 00:17:20,808 --> 00:17:22,286 You're disqualified. 422 00:17:22,310 --> 00:17:24,879 God, you should be thanking me for getting rid of that pig! 423 00:17:24,903 --> 00:17:26,139 It pooped everywhere. 424 00:17:26,163 --> 00:17:28,792 - Don't forget my 50 bucks. Diarrhea farm! 425 00:17:30,593 --> 00:17:32,426 He means well. 426 00:17:33,096 --> 00:17:34,298 You were totally robbed. 427 00:17:34,322 --> 00:17:36,817 It's just I spent three months making this. 428 00:17:36,841 --> 00:17:38,318 I spent all my money on orchard grass 429 00:17:38,342 --> 00:17:39,986 - so my hay wouldn't get mites. - I know. 430 00:17:40,010 --> 00:17:43,140 It's just like... Beth. H-how's school? 431 00:17:43,164 --> 00:17:44,825 - Sanitary. Oh. 432 00:17:44,849 --> 00:17:46,251 Hey, bro, let me help you with that! 433 00:17:46,275 --> 00:17:49,755 Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no! Are you kidding me, Mickey? 434 00:17:49,779 --> 00:17:51,906 - What? - God! 435 00:17:51,930 --> 00:17:53,166 See you tonight! Party at my place! 436 00:17:53,190 --> 00:17:55,352 Yeah, I'm not coming over! 437 00:17:55,376 --> 00:17:58,079 Hey, those potatoes had worms. 438 00:17:58,103 --> 00:18:00,099 Screw you. They were free! 439 00:18:00,123 --> 00:18:02,101 This whole town has it out for me! 440 00:18:02,125 --> 00:18:02,957 See? 441 00:18:03,108 --> 00:18:04,436 Mallets have enemies everywhere. 442 00:18:04,460 --> 00:18:07,164 Five minutes till the skillet toss! 443 00:18:07,188 --> 00:18:08,923 Okay, I'm gonna show them. Let's go! 444 00:18:08,947 --> 00:18:10,258 Hey, hey, put on your other shoe! 445 00:18:10,282 --> 00:18:11,357 Copy that! 446 00:18:11,450 --> 00:18:13,261 Hey, June, have you seen Shrub anywhere? 447 00:18:13,285 --> 00:18:15,021 I'm afraid I haven't. Is something wrong? 448 00:18:15,045 --> 00:18:16,523 Yeah, there was a mix-up. 449 00:18:16,547 --> 00:18:18,283 I ran into Mrs. Wicks, and it turns out 450 00:18:18,307 --> 00:18:20,435 she had given Shrub your location. 451 00:18:20,459 --> 00:18:22,346 She wrote it on the back of her pill prescription, 452 00:18:22,370 --> 00:18:24,123 and then she forgot to take her pills. 453 00:18:24,147 --> 00:18:27,314 Oh, dear, not again. Let me go ask Bessie. 454 00:18:29,301 --> 00:18:32,706 Joe, can you please change your Tinder profile pic 455 00:18:32,730 --> 00:18:33,874 from the one I took of you? 456 00:18:33,898 --> 00:18:35,025 That is just cruel. 457 00:18:35,049 --> 00:18:36,135 You're on Tinder? 458 00:18:36,159 --> 00:18:38,362 Yes, Joe, I am single now too. 459 00:18:38,386 --> 00:18:40,139 Wait, were you the picture of the Siamese cat 460 00:18:40,163 --> 00:18:42,382 in the overalls that swiped right on me? 461 00:18:42,406 --> 00:18:43,706 Mm-mm. 462 00:18:49,321 --> 00:18:52,876 Okay, let's give it up for Mandy Matthews. 463 00:18:54,826 --> 00:18:56,488 Go, Mandy! 464 00:18:56,512 --> 00:18:59,216 There's three things that get me focused: 465 00:18:59,240 --> 00:19:01,051 A spicy meat stick, 466 00:19:01,075 --> 00:19:03,069 my man Garth Brooks, here, 467 00:19:03,093 --> 00:19:05,394 and the third thing is proprietary. 468 00:19:13,604 --> 00:19:14,489 All: Ooh! 469 00:19:15,940 --> 00:19:20,404 That was a big one! Looks like that is 32 feet. 470 00:19:20,428 --> 00:19:22,848 - And 2 inches. - 2 inches. 471 00:19:22,872 --> 00:19:24,908 Good job, Mandy, okay. 472 00:19:24,932 --> 00:19:27,019 And now we have Kelly Mallet. 473 00:19:28,151 --> 00:19:29,596 Raise it up! Raise it up! 474 00:19:41,891 --> 00:19:43,351 Oh, geez! 475 00:19:43,375 --> 00:19:44,611 Get EMS, EMS! 476 00:19:44,635 --> 00:19:46,112 Is he dead? 477 00:19:46,136 --> 00:19:47,280 Yeah, so the guy Kelly kneecapped, 478 00:19:47,304 --> 00:19:48,949 like, best friends with her dad. 479 00:19:48,973 --> 00:19:51,101 Like, they started a construction company together. 480 00:19:51,125 --> 00:19:53,770 This is, like, bad optics, as they say. 481 00:20:04,062 --> 00:20:06,225 - Yes! Yeah, Nadine won. 482 00:20:06,249 --> 00:20:08,952 Yeah, but, like, no one saw, so, like, whatever. 483 00:20:08,976 --> 00:20:11,045 Hardly counts. 484 00:20:11,069 --> 00:20:14,791 Skillet toss winner goes to Nadine Parney! 485 00:20:14,815 --> 00:20:17,218 Okay, excuse me. Thank you. 486 00:20:17,242 --> 00:20:18,570 - I have a speech. No. 487 00:20:18,594 --> 00:20:20,302 Thank you. 488 00:20:21,171 --> 00:20:23,149 Quite a throw, Kel. 489 00:20:23,173 --> 00:20:24,559 I didn't mean to take out Matt. 490 00:20:24,583 --> 00:20:28,080 Hell, don't apologize to me. Did me a favor. 491 00:20:28,104 --> 00:20:30,490 Guy tried to feel up Jessie at the Reef last week. 492 00:20:30,514 --> 00:20:32,251 If you hadn't clocked him, I would've. 493 00:20:32,275 --> 00:20:35,495 - Yeah? - You got a good arm, kid. 494 00:20:35,519 --> 00:20:37,998 First place... - I got it from you. 495 00:20:38,022 --> 00:20:39,424 For the scarecrow award... 496 00:20:39,448 --> 00:20:41,151 Yeah, you did. 497 00:20:41,175 --> 00:20:43,095 - But your aim's for . 498 00:20:43,119 --> 00:20:44,746 Goes to 499 00:20:44,770 --> 00:20:46,080 the robot scarecrow. 500 00:20:46,104 --> 00:20:47,657 See you, Pops. 501 00:20:49,274 --> 00:20:52,754 Well deserved. Great job. 502 00:20:52,778 --> 00:20:53,939 Great job. Okay, okay. 503 00:20:53,963 --> 00:20:56,016 No showboating. No showboating. 504 00:20:56,040 --> 00:20:59,352 Okay, go to the side. 505 00:20:59,376 --> 00:21:02,430 Now, I just want to give out a special award to someone 506 00:21:02,454 --> 00:21:06,301 whose creativity was head and shoulders above the rest. 507 00:21:06,325 --> 00:21:09,771 Has anyone seen Shrub Mallet? 508 00:21:09,795 --> 00:21:11,957 Shrub, you out there? 509 00:21:14,132 --> 00:21:16,019 Oh, my God! Oh, my God! 510 00:21:18,678 --> 00:21:20,023 Whew! 511 00:21:20,047 --> 00:21:21,327 Someone call the fire department! 512 00:21:22,992 --> 00:21:24,452 Not helping, June. 513 00:21:24,476 --> 00:21:26,368 Someone call the fire department! 514 00:21:27,905 --> 00:21:29,716 Oh, wow. Oh, geez. 515 00:21:31,075 --> 00:21:32,536 People, focus! 516 00:21:32,560 --> 00:21:34,721 - Everybody, stay calm. 517 00:21:39,157 --> 00:21:40,319 - This is not part of it! 518 00:21:41,752 --> 00:21:43,322 Stop cheering! 519 00:21:43,346 --> 00:21:44,972 - Stop cheering! 520 00:21:44,996 --> 00:21:46,808 Somebody could die! Focus! 521 00:21:52,170 --> 00:21:54,315 Okay, it's pretty great. 522 00:21:54,339 --> 00:21:56,226 So they actually ended up selling like a bunch 523 00:21:56,250 --> 00:21:58,484 of fireworks for Fourth of July after that. 524 00:22:00,270 --> 00:22:02,065 I mean, it was a pretty impressive show. 525 00:22:02,089 --> 00:22:04,751 Hot off the presses. Read it and weep. 526 00:22:04,775 --> 00:22:07,420 Beth is gonna want me so bad now. 527 00:22:07,444 --> 00:22:11,165 "Local Man Fires Up Festival." Okay, look at you! 528 00:22:11,189 --> 00:22:13,076 I mean, it's not the front page, but... 529 00:22:13,100 --> 00:22:14,853 Police blotter's always third page. 530 00:22:14,877 --> 00:22:15,854 You'll get front soon. 531 00:22:15,878 --> 00:22:17,747 Yeah. 532 00:22:17,771 --> 00:22:18,932 Where's Nadine's win? 533 00:22:18,956 --> 00:22:20,417 Uh, page five 534 00:22:20,441 --> 00:22:22,844 under "home care aides available." 535 00:22:24,962 --> 00:22:26,698 Winners! 536 00:22:26,722 --> 00:22:28,597 Winners. 38713

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