All language subtitles for Le Piment De La Vie.1962.VO:VF

(GIGGLING)

(LAUGHING)

Oh!
(CHUCKLES)

Ma'am!

(SIGHS HAPPILY)
Wonderful world!

(GIGGLING)

(CLEARS THROAT)

(GIGGLING)

(LAUGHING LOUDLY)

(LAUGHING)

(ALL LAUGHING)

Oh!

Hi!
(BUZZING)

Oh!
(CHUCKLING)

Darling?
Darling.

I'm pregnant!

(LAUGHING)

♪ You know it
I know you know it

♪ ‘Cause I show it

♪ Impossible deal to conceal
when you feel

♪ The thrill of it all

♪ Oh, brother,
I got a feeling

♪ Like no other

♪ The moment we met
I could bet I would get

♪ The thrill of it all

♪ Love can be frightening

♪ A bolt from the blue

♪ That tender lightning

♪ Starts your happy heart
a-thundering "Il love you"

♪ We know it
I know we know it

♪ We both show it

♪ We're walkin' on air
Look-a here, look-a there

♪ The thrill of it all

♪ The luckiest pair

♪ I declare, when we share

♪ The thrill of it all

♪ Love can be frightening

♪ A bolt from the blue

♪ That tender lightning

♪ Starts your happy heart
a-thundering "Il love you"

♪ We know it
I know we know it

♪ We both show it

♪ We're walkin' on air
Look-a here, look-a there

♪ The thrill of it all

♪ The luckiest pair,
I declare, when we share

♪ The thrill of it all

♪ The thrill of it all ♪

(BOTTLES RATTLING)

WOMAN: (ON PA)
Dr. Schultz. Dr. Schultz.

You are wanted in Surgery Two.
Emergency.

Dr. Schultz,
emergency, Surgery Two.

Mr. Caputo?

Yeah. That's me.
That's me. Uh-huh.

Your wife just had a beautiful
seven-pound baby girl,
and they're both doing fine.

Hey! How 'bout that?
Seven-pound baby girl.

How much did it weigh?
Seven pounds.

You can go in and see
your wife and daughter
if you like now.

Well, don't I
have to be sterile?

The nurse will furnish you
with a hospital gown.

Oh, thank you, Doc.
Thank you!

I mean, thank you, Doc!
You're welcome.

Thank you. Thanks.

WOMAN: (ON PA)
Dr. Gerald Boyer, telephone.

Dr. Gerald Boyer,
telephone.

Dr. Boyer, telephone, please.

Dr. Boyer.

Who?
Mr. Gardiner Fra...

Oh, yes! Mr. Fraleigh.
Well, how are you, sir?
What can I do for you?

(CHUCKLES)
Oh, not a thing, my boy.

No, I'm just calling
on behalf of Mrs. Fraleigh
and myself.

I can't tell you
how utterly delighted
we both are at the news.

(STAMMERING) You're
a positive genius!

Well, I'm afraid you're
giving me more credit
than I deserve.

Oh, nonsense!
We're eternally grateful
to you, Doctor.

I'm happy to have done
what I could.

Uh, just a moment, Doctor.

Doctor, I'm having a little
family dinner tonight

to sort of celebrate
what happened,

and it would give us
great pleasure if you and
your wife could be present.

Oh, that's very nice of you,
but...

Oh, please,
don't say no, Doctor.

Oh, I know how busy
you must be,

but couldn't you look
on this visit as a house call?

(LAUGHING)

Oh, Doctor, it would
mean so much to us
if you could be there.

Please.

All right. Very well.
We'll be there.

Thank you, Doctor.

Our chauffeur
will pick you up
at your home.

Oh, no! It's really
no trouble at all.
I insist.

Good night, Mrs. Fraleigh.

Goodbye.
(CHUCKLES)

Oh, let me
do that for you.

Oh!
(LAUGHING)

(CHORTLING)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

All right now.
Come on now. Tilt...
Sit around here.

Tilt your head back.

I said back,
not forward.
Come on now.

I want to shampoo
your hair.

I don't want you
to shampoo me!

Darling, I don't have time
to play games with you today.

I have a roast in the oven
and Mommy's very busy.
Come on. Turn around.

I don't want you
to shampoo me!

Maggie, why not?

‘Cause that shampoo
smells ooky!

Oh, Lord. It smells
like it always smells.
Now smell it.

Smells like the cracks
in the school yard!

Can't we use the new soap
you bought?

Listen, young lady,
if I didn't have a roast
in the oven,

you'd get the pine tar
and like it.

(RINGS)

Mommy,
the phone is ringing!

Yes, darling.
I know it is.

Pick it up, honey,
and find out who it is.

Hello? Who is this?

This is Daddy.
Hello, Andy.

How's my big...

It was Daddy.

Oh. What did he say?

"Hello, Andy."

(PHONE RINGS)

Did you hang up on him?
Well, answer the phone
and tell Daddy

that Mommy's shampooing
Maggie's hair.

Go on.

Mommy's shampooing
Maggie's hair.

Ask Daddy what he wants,
sweetheart!

Don't hang up, An...
(LINE CLICKS)

Oh, no, Andy.

I told Daddy.

(PHONE RINGS)

Oh, you didn't
hang up on him again...
Oh, Andrew!

Now this time go in
and ask Daddy what he wants,

and don't hang up
until Daddy tells you to,
you hear that?

Andy, before you
hang up again,

tell Mommy I want
to speak with her.

Keep your eyes shut tight.
Daddy wants to
speak to you.

Oh, Andrew, I told you
that I am shampooing
Maggie's hair!

Now, ask Daddy what he wants.
Would you do that, please?

Mommy's shampooing
Maggie's hair,
and what do you want?

Just tell Mommy not
to prepare dinner tonight

because we've
been invited out.

And... And tell her
I'll be home very soon.

Do you understand me,
Andy?

Do you understand Daddy?

Did you understand me,
Andy?

Andy, did you
hang up again?

Andy, are you there?

Daddy, can I hang up now?

Yes, you can hang up now.

Andrew!

Come in a minute.
What did Daddy say, honey?

Come on.
He said that he is
coming home soon.

Oh!
Is that all he said?

He also said,
"Andy, did you
hang up again?"

You did very well,
sweetheart.
You really did.

There. Does
the Happy Soap smell better
than the ooky soap?

It does, Mommy.
It smells just like
my piano teacher,

and now I smell
just like her.

Well, that's good.

That's better than smelling
like a schoolyard any day.
Ooh!

Mommy, can I have
a bath and a shampoo?
What?

You're not due
until tomorrow night.

Huh!

Are you sure you don't
mind my leaving now,
Mrs. Boyer?

Oh, dear.
I could serve
and leave later.

I won't hear of it.

These church socials
rarely start on time.

No, you go right on.

Besides, I have
an excellent helper.
Have you noticed?

Be careful now, honey.
Don't drop it.

(GIGGLES)

Well, I guess
I'll be going.

I shan't be late.
Oh, thank you so much,
Mrs. Boyer.

All right, dear.
Bye-bye.
Goodbye.

Hi.
Perfect timing.

Between medium
and medium rare.
Pretty?

(KISSES)
Beautiful.
What was it today?

A girl. Honey, didn't Andy
give you my message about our
being invited out to dinner?

Oh, no!

Who invited us
out to dinner?

Mrs. Fraleigh,
one of my patients.

I told Andy to tell you!
Oh! Well, he didn't.

That's my boy.
Well, you've still
got time to dress.

Oh, Gerald!
I've just roasted a $6.34
standing rib roast.

I'll eat it
for breakfast.
Oh!

Hey. Sweetheart.

What?

Did you know
I'm a great doctor?

Well, I've always
suspected it.

How did you find out?

I helped a lady
become pregnant.
(CLEARS THROAT)

You did what?

She's been trying
for 20 years.

Oh. Oh, really?

Um... Uh, what did you do?

I gave her
a piece of advice.

I told her and her husband,
stop trying to have a baby.
Ah!

(CHUCKLING)
You mean stopping did it?

No, relaxing did it.
Hmm.

We got a date?
Mmm.

What about the children?

Let 'em get
their own dates.

Mmm, but I gave Olivia
the night off.

Get a sitter.

Gerry, to hire a sitter
at a dollar an hour when
we're paying a housekeeper,

I just think
it's... It's a sin!

Bev. Even the best of us
sin once in a while.

Tonight's your night.

Now, stop it.

(SIGHS)
Come on now. Tell me
about Mrs. Fraleigh.

Did you really tell her
to stop trying to have a baby?

I told her
more than that.

I also told her to take
a three-month ocean cruise
with her husband.

Ah, that did it, huh?
(CHUCKLES)

It took the pressure off
psychologically.

Hmm. How did you know
it would work?

I didn't. But I knew
I had three things
working for me.

They were capable,
they loved each other,

and there is very little
to do on a three-month
ocean cruise.

(CHUCKLING)
Ah!

Oh, you are
a great doctor.

Hmm. The chauffeur's
looking.

Oh, he doesn't mind.

(MOTOR WHIRRING)

Excuse me. You don't mind
if we kiss in the backseat,
do you?

Not if it
pleases you, sir.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Good evening.
Good evening.

Hello.

May I have
your name, please?

Dr. and Mrs.
Gerald Boyer.

Oh, yes.
Mr. and Mrs. Wingate.

Will you follow me,
please?

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING ON TV)

Mr. and Mrs...

Something.

I'm so glad
you could come.
Thank you.

I'm sorry we're late.
We had sitter problems.

I can't wait to have
that kind of problem.
(LAUGHS)

So glad to meet you,
Mrs. Boyer, Dr...
MAN: Shh!

Shh! Damn!

(MUSIC ON TV CONTINUES)

(ANGRY MUTTERING)

Thank you.
Shh!

Damn!

He means me.
(CHUCKLES)

Here it comes!
Here it comes!

MAN: (ON TV)
Before joining the third act
of Happy Playhouse,

here is a brief word
from our Happy Girl.

Hi!

I'm Spot Checker.
I've just been signed to
appear in a motion picture.

Of course,
it's just a small part,

but all the glamorous
movie stars started out
by playing

small parts.

There's so many things
a girl must learn

before she can become
a glamorous movie star.

First of all, she has to learn
what clothes to wear,

and what hairstyle.

Oh, and how to act.

A famous star
once said to me,

"Spot," she said,

"it's not enough that you
look like a star

"or act like a star.

"You must smell

"like a star."

So it was there and then
that I learned about

Happy Soap,

the heavenly soap
that smells...

(SNIFFS)
Like the stars.

Mmm!

Won't you join me

and find true happiness
in your bath?

Just you,

and a cake of Happy.

(GIGGLES)

Couldn't sell me
a cake of that soap!

That soap saved
my life today.

Who said that?
Put the darn lights on!

Now, who said that?
(CHUCKLES)

Well, I guess I did.

Who are you?

She's with me, sir.

Father,
this is Dr. Boyer
and his wife.

Dr. Boyer's my obstetrician.
Oh, yeah!

Nice going, Doc.

Now, young lady,
what the devil did you mean,

"That soap saved
my life today"?

Well... Well, it was
just a figure of speech,
Mr. Fraleigh.

How in tarnation
can a soap save your life?

(CHUCKLES)
Well, maybe I put it
too strongly,

but if it weren't
for Happy Soap, I'd still be
in a hassle with my daughter.

How's that?
(STAMMERS) You really
want to hear this?

Yeah! Go on!
(CHUCKLES)

Well, for years I've been
shampooing my daughter
Maggie's hair

with a pine tar shampoo.

Huh?
With a... With a
pine tar shampoo.

Oh.
And today she refused
to let me.

Why?

Because she said the shampoo
smelled like the cracks
in the school yard.

Smelled like what?
Shut up! Shut up!
Go on! Go on!

Well, she just refused
to let me wash her hair,

and heaven knows
she needed it,

because her brother Andrew
hit her in the head
with a mud ball.

Heh!
Why, that little
son of a gun.

Because she
hit him with one first,
right smack in the mouth.

(LAUGHING) Mud ball!
Right in the mouth!
Ha! Go on!

Oh! Well, she, um, uh,

finally agreed to let me
wash her hair,

but only if I would use
Happy Soap, so I did.

And she just loved it.

She said that it
made her smell like
her piano teacher.

Hear that?
(BOTH LAUGHING)

And then... Well, her brother
Andrew insisted that I wash
his hair with Happy Soap.

That's what I'm talking about!

Mud balls in the mouth!

Little kids that like to smell
like their piano teacher!

Now, Dad, you shouldn't
be getting excited.

"Shouldn't be
getting excited"?

That's the dang trouble
with you young'uns!

You never know when
to get excited!

You should be shoutin'
instead of me!

I should?
Darn right.

Supposed to be
an advertising man.
Don't even know when to shout.

Father, please,
we have guests.

Seems if I don't set
the sticks of dynamite,
no holes get dug.

Young lady, how would you
like to go on the TV and say
what you just said to me?

Uh, what?
On television.

Why?
"Why"?

Because I manufacture
Happy Soap, and I think
you can sell it.

But, sir, what's wrong
with Spot Checker?

We've worked
so closely with her.

I know how closely
you work.

I thought Spot inviting people
to join her in her bath
was, uh, very effective.

Well, maybe they're
bathing with her,

but they sure as heck
aren't using Happy Soap!

I like you.
Have a nut.

What you said
Is what I like to hear
onthe TV.

Never did like
them skinny starlings.

"Lets," Dad.
Let's what?

Starlets, Dad,
not starlings.

Oh, shut up!
Father, must you?

Yep. Only way
to shut him up.

Well, what do you say?
Next Friday
on theHappy Playhouse?

Oh, Mr. Fraleigh, really,
I'm very flattered,

but, um, oh, I couldn't.

Why not?
I'm not an actress.
I'm a housewife.

Mr. Fraleigh, I know my wife,
and when she says no...

All I'm asking you to do
is to say the exact thing
you said to me.

On!
Only difference is, you'll
be saying it to a camera,

and they'll be paying you
$332 to say it.

Mr. Fraleigh,
you're wasting your time.

I know Beverly.

Gerald? Um,
if it means that much,
uh, to Mr. Fraleigh,

uh, maybe I could
go on television.

Beverly!
Next Friday!
It's a deal!

Now let's eat.

Bring on the grub!

(SOPHISTICATED ACCENT)
Hello.

My name
is Beverly Boyer,

and I'd like to tell all
of you lovely people

about something that
happened at my home
the other afternoon.

(NORMAL VOICE)
Oh, dear.

Now, Maggie, why aren't
we eating our porridge?

It has too many lumps.

Well, we'll fix that.

Can I have Maggie's lumps?

Now, really,
you don't want them.

Yes, he does!

I roll ‘em in sugar,
and they taste like candy.

GERALD:
Good morning, group.
Good morning, Doctor.

Good morning, Daddy!
Hi, Daddy.

No breakfast for me
today, Olivia.

Where you goin'?

To the hospital.

Gonna deliver
a baby?
Mmm-hmm.

Oh, can you bring it home?
Course he can't.
It's not his baby.

Daddy's only
the deliveryman,
like the milkman.

But Daddy brought
you and me home.

That's because Mommy helped
with those deliveries.

Well, if she helps again,
will you bring it home?

Okay, I will.

Oh, you promise, Daddy?

I promise.

So long, tiger.
Hey. Mmm-mmm!

Bye, Daddy.
OLIVIA:
Goodbye, Doctor.

Bye, Daddy.
Now, come on.
Drink up your milk.

You want to say
ta-ta to Mommy.

We'll be tardy for school.
Come on.

Hi, there.

My name is Beverly Boyer,
and I'm a housewife,

and I'd like to tell
all of you

about what happened
at my house
just the other night.

(BRIGHTLY)
Hil

Oh! Hello!

Hi, folks.

My name is Beverly Boyer,
and I'm a housewife.

Mommy, why are you
talking to your mirror?

On!
MAGGIE: Why are you
talking to your mirror?

Oh, honey, Mother's not
talking to the mirror.

She's practicing.
To say your name?

No, silly. I know my name.

Hey, you know what?
BOTH:
What?

What, what, what?

Mommy's gonna be
on television.

BOTH:
On television?
Yeah!

Can we watch ya?
Can we watch it?
Can we watch it?

Yes, you can!
You can watch it.
Now, wait a minute.

It might be
a little bit late for you,
so we have to ask Daddy.

BOTH:
Yay! Mommy's gonna
be on television!

Oh, now,
isn't that nice?
(HORN HONKING)

How about that?

There's your ride,
children.

Hurry.
Kiss Mommy Goodbye.

Come on. Hurry up.

ANDY:
Mommy's gonna be
a big television star!

I love you!
Goodbye!

MAGGIE:
Goodbye, Mommy.
(DOOR CLOSES)

Hello.
I'm Beverly Boyer,

and I'm going to be
a big television star.

(SIGHS)
Oh!

MAN: (IN GERMAN ACCENT)
So, none of you
knows anything.

When's Mommy
comin' on?

Shh! Soon, Andy.

And you know of
no, uh, Allied forces

in the area?
No.

Is that Mommy?

No, Mommy doesn't
have black hair.

You're a very obstinate,
proud people,

but we have ways
to make you remember.

You are completely
innocent, aren't you?

Know absolutely nothing.

Hmm?

Very well.

We have ways
of making you remember

these little,
unimportant details.

Ways you will not forget.

All right, guard.
Take them away!

Uh, the young girl,
let her stay.

Maybe,mademoiselle,
you would care for
a glass of wine?

It is an excellent wine.

(IN FRENCH ACCENT)
Perhaps I will
take the wine.

Ah! That is better.

Ah, yes, Fraeulein,
you will learn,

as, uh, your people
will have to,

that if they want to, uh,
fill their stomachs again,

they will have to swallow
a little pride

along with the food.

You... Guards!

You... You pig!

And what are you
if I am a pig?

(WHISPERS)
You're on!

Oh! Oh, hello.
I'm Beverly Boyer,
and I'm a pig.

Pig?
Pig!

Pig?
Pig!

What did Mommy say?

She said she was a pig.

(CREW CHUCKLING)

MAN: Move over!
Move over!
I'm sorry.

(LAUGHTER)
(WHISPERS)
Get over there!

May I start again, please?
Go ahead.

Uh, hello.

Uh, my name is Beverly Boyer,
and I'm a housewife.

(LAUGHTER)
MAN: Be quiet.

And, um, what I'd like
to tell you is, um,

about how Happy Soap
saved my life.

Um, last week,
oh, I was in such a hassle
with my daughter Maggie.

Um, she wouldn't
let me wash her hair
with our regular shampoo,

and, um, she said
that it, um... Um...

It smelled like the cracks
in the school yard.

(LAUGHTER)
MAN:
Shh! Shh!

Well, you know
how children can get,
and, uh...

Anyway, that afternoon
I purchased several bars
of Happy Soap.

(WHISPERS)
Pick up the bar.

The other bar.
(LAUGHTER)

And, um...
Turn it around!

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

Um... Uh...

Um, and she insisted
that I wash her hair
with the new soap.

(WHISPERS) Not new.

Oh! Oh. No.

No, Happy Soap
Is not a new soap.
It's, um...

(MAN CACKLING)
It's an old soap.

(CACKLING CONTINUES)

And I just had never
used it before.

You have used it.

I haven't.

I really have not used
this soap before.

And anyway,
what I want to tell you is

that I did use it
to shampoo her hair,
and she loved it.

(STIFLED LAUGHING)
MAN: Quiet.

And she said to me,
"Oh, Mommy,

"now I smell like
my piano teacher."

(MEN LAUGHING LOUDLY)

She did.

And all I want to say
is that the soap
worked just fine,

and it got rid
of all the traces
of the mud balls.

Mud balls?
Yeah! Mud balls!

(LAUGHING CONTINUES)
Cut. Cut!

(LAUGHING CONTINUES)
Bye.

Smile.

Keep smiling.

(LAUGHING CONTINUES)
Keep smiling.

Take it off her.
She's not gonna say
anything else.

That'll be four
and a quarter, lady.

(SOBBING) Keep the change.
Oh, thanks.

Listen, lady,
I don't know what
he did to you,

but like I always say,
"To err is human, and
to forgive is human-er."

(TIRES SCREECH)

(CRYING)

That-a-way, lady.
Forgive and forget.

If you'll forgive,
I'll try to forget.

Oh, was it really
that bad, sweetheart?

If anybody ever asks me
to go on television again,
I hope that you'll just...

I will. I'll beat 'em off
with my stethoscope.

Mmm.
(SOBBING LOUDLY)

I know.

Yeah, you heard me!
I said I want that girl!

But, Dad, we already
have a commitment
with Spot Checker.

Thirty-four more baths
at $1,500 a bath.

Tell her she's washed up.

Dad, I think you're being
a little premature.

You do, huh?

Don't you read the papers?
(NUTSHELLS FALLING)

"Last night on
Happy Playhouse,

"the only moment
of originality
was produced

"by a disarming young lady
who delivered the commercial.

"It's a sad day for television
when the sponsor's message

"has more value
than the play."

Get her!

Beverly is
my new Happy Girl!

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Hi, Daddy!
Aw, you're not my daddy.

You're a wise child.
Is your mother home?

BEVERLY:
Who is it, Andrew?

It's not Daddy.
It's a man.

Take me to your mother.

Well, who is it?

It's Mike Palmer.

Oh. Uh, I'm sorry, Mr. Palmer,
but I'm... I'm very busy.

Mrs. Boyer, would you
consider becoming the
television spokeswoman

for Happy Soap?

I don't think
that's a bit funny.

I'm serious.

They want you
to sell Happy Soap.

That's ridiculous!

I was terrible!

I stammered
all over the place.
I looked like an idiot.

Yes, I thought so.

But, uh, old Tom
was enchanted with
your stammering.

Do you mean...
Do you mean that you're
actually offering me a job?

Not me, the old man.

Well, I'm not interested.
I will never go on television
again, ever.

I am definitely
not interested.

I think if you
heard the amount,
you might be.

You don't know me
very well, Mr. Palmer.

Uh, may I, please?
Thank you.

Now, if you don't mind,
I really have a lot
of work to do.

Do you, uh...
(CLEARS THROAT)

You... You bottle
your own ketchup?

Yes. Yes, I do.

Oh, here. Allow me.

There we go.
Where do you want it?

Put it right here, please.
All right.

Thank you very much.
Goodbye, Mr. Palmer.

(CLEARS THROAT)

You know, I have never seen
anybody make ketchup before.
It's a fascinating...

Mr. Palmer, I told you before,
I am not going on television.

I have never been
so embarrassed in my life.

I made a fool of myself.

Well, there are
about 1,200 people
who didn't think so.

Well, what 1,200 people?

The 1,200 people who
called up right after
the show and said

that you were the most
refreshing, sincere person
who ever sold a bar of soap.

Oh! They were laughing
at me in the studio.

Well, for just a few seconds
there, you were... (LAUGHING)
You were funny.

But look, when you
got down to selling soap,
you sure sold soap.

No. There's nothing
you can say that will
make me change my mind.

So you can just take
your $332 and... And...
And please leave.

I'm leaving.

But, uh,
with more than $332.

I don't care if it's 500.

It's more than twice that.

A thousand dollars?
That's ridiculous!

Not as ridiculous
as $1,500...

A week.

$1,500 a week?
For 52 weeks.

Fif...

How much... How much
is 52 times 1,500?

About 80,000.

Oh!
(SCREAMS)

Oh!
Mrs. Boyer!

Mrs. Boyer! Oh!
Are you all right?

Hey! How's
my favorite son, huh?

Mommy's in the cellar
with a man.

Oh? Anyone we know?

No, Daddy.
We don't know him.

Did you say 80...
$80,000?

Yes. Yes, $80,000. Here.
Let me help you up.

GERALD:
What you doin', folks?
What?

Uh, making ketchup, dear.

Um... Uh, you know...
You know Mike Palmer.

Yes, I remember
Mr. Palmer.
Yes.

Uh, well, Mr. Palmer...
He was just telling me...
Allow me.

Oh. Right. Sorry.
You're very gallant,
Sir.

Come all the way from the city
just to help a lady out
of a basket of tomatoes.

Well.
You did tell him no.

(EXHALES)
No?

Uh... Um...
What do you mean?

Mommy, you've got tomatoes
all over ya!
Yes, darling, I know.

I assume
he offered you a job.
I read the reviews.

Uh, Andy, please
don't do that, dear.

I was just wiping
the tomatoes off of you.
I'll take care of it.

You go on out and play,
would you, please? Um...

Can I play with
the tomatoes?
No.

I like to
squish 'em around.

Would you... Will you
please stop that, Andrew...
Andrew!

And do as you're told?
Well, darling?

Well, um... Um, actually,

um, Mr. Palmer
did offer me a job.

He did.

But I turned him down
flat... Many times.

Even asked me to leave.
I did.

Go on.

And, um...
(EXHALES)

But I just couldn't
say no to $80,000!

80,0007?
Yes!

That's ridiculous!
(STAMMERS) That's
just what I said.

Well, look, I'm sure
that you two would be
most comfortable and happy

discussing
my ridiculous offer
in private.

I'll call you tomorrow.
Bye now.

(FOOTSTEPS ON STAIRS)

Beverly.
Huh?

Beverly,
what are you thinking?

Um... Uh... I'm thinking
of taking a shower.

Beverly!

Well, for one thing,
you'll be leaving the children
alone too often.

And I can't believe
they're going to pay you
$80,000

just to come down
to the studio
once a week.

Why is Daddy
yelling at Mommy?

‘Cause Mommy wants
tobe a TV star,

and Daddy doesn't
want her to be.

Oh, that's mean!

It's not as if
we need the money.

Our bank balance
is healthy.

There's no reason
for you to work.

Dr. Boyer,
you are a fraud!

Oh!
Well, now, how did you
arrive at that?

Oh! I've got you now,
dear.

I've got you now,
right here, and I quote,

"In some cases,
household duties,
important as they are,

"are not sufficient
to gratify a woman's
desire for expression.

"Mrs. America might do well
to start early in her marriage

"a planned cultivation
of outside interests
and hobbies."

Ridiculous!
Ah, you wrote it, darling.

I know I did,
but it doesn't pertain
to you.

Oh, it doesn't?
Certainly not.

You mean,
you're planning for our kids
to remain young forever.

Of course I'm not.

Daddy's not planning
for us to remain young.

Can he do that?

You have outside
interests and hobbies.

You have the PTA,
and you make
your own ketchup.

The PTA
and home-bottled ketchup.

That is it, and it's not
very fulfilling.

Oh. Well, I didn't
realize your life
lacked fulfillment.

You've always shouted
how being a doctor's wife
was career enough.

Oh, itis. Darling,
I didn't mean to sound
as if I'm unhappy.

I'm very happy,
and you know that.

But...
But selling Happy Soap
would make you happier.

You know that I would never
consciously go out looking
for a job, don't you?

But to have something like
this just land in my lap...

Honey. Honey?

It's only once a week.

And I won't let anything
interfere with my wifely
duties. I promise.

(CHUCKLES)
Shot down by
my own artillery.

(SQUEALING)

Mmm!

The program is over at 9:00,
so I should be home by 10:30,
Olivia.

And, um... Oh, Andrew
hasn't had his vitamin pills,
so see that he gets those.

And Maggie wants to wear
her flowered panties
to school tomorrow,

so you'll have to hand wash
them, if you don't mind.

I will.

And let me think.
Oh, yeah. If Dr. Boyer
comes home before I do,

tell him there's a note
in the kitchen on the board.

You know, the children
want to watch me
on television tonight,

and, um,
I said absolutely not
because it's too late.

So if they give you
an argument, Olivia,
you let ‘em watch.

Children! Mommy's leaving.
Come on. Hurry up. I'm late.

I want a kiss.

Bye, Mommy!
Bye, Mommy!

Goodbye... Oh!
What have you
been doing?

I thought they were
watching television.
Oh!

I'm making Andy's hair
smell happy again,
like my piano teacher!

Mommy, the happy smell
wore off.

Something else is gonna
wear off if you don't get up
in that bathroom right away!

Now hurry up.
You know better than that.
Olivia, I'm so late.

I'll take care of
the little devils.
All right.

Make sure they don't
drown each other!
Goodbye! Goodbye, all!

See yal

What did he say?
"The happy smell wore off"?

(LAUGHS)

"Mommy, the happy smell
wore off."

Those were
his exact words.

And, um, well,
there he was, standing
in the hallway

with a head full of shampoo
dripping all over
my nice blue rug.

Oh, boy.
Is he gonna get it
when I get home.

Maggie said she was
making his hair smell happy.

l... I know
it sounds silly, of course,

but I always say,
"Don't knock it
till you try it."

And, um, uh, tonight
I'm going to go home

and shampoo my hair
with Happy Soap,

and I'll let you know.

Oh! Oh.
Um, I meant to tell you,

uh, don't forget
you can shower with it.

And we know
it's good for that.

Bye.

ANNOUNCER:We will
return to the third act
of Happy Playhouse...

...after a brief pause.
Gentlemen,
what do you think?

Would you hire her
to sell soap?

It's difficult to make
a snap appraisal until we
test-market her potential.

I'd have to go along
with Billings on that.

I'd rather not comment
until exploratory samplings
can be made.

Well, I advised against it,
but they hired her anyway.

You mean she's
already been hired?

One year, solid.
But why?

Because my dad ordered it.

Oh. Well, uh, now
that I think about it,

I'm inclined to go along
with your dad.

She has a new
and honest approach
to the product.

Yes, yes. I'm tempted
to go along with Billings
going along with your dad.

She does have a...
(STAMMERING)

New and honest approach?

Yes, yes!
I'll go along with that.

What do you think,
Van Camp?

Oh, I quite agree.

With what?
Well, with everything.

Good thinking.

(KNOCKING)
Come in.

(MEN EXCLAIMING)
Mrs. Boyer!

We were just
talking about you.

Mike. Was I all right?
Really?

You were wonderful.
I was so nervous.

On!
I wish you'd write
things out for me.

I didn't know...
Mrs. Boyer.

Hello, Mr. Fraleigh.

Uh, Mr. Billings,
Mr. Stokely, Mr. Van Camp.

How do you do, gentlemen?
ALL: How do you do?

You were just fine,
Mrs. Boyer.

That's exactly
what Dad wants.

Oh, good!
I hope I pleased him.

You were delightful.
We'll tell you all about it
at the party tonight.

Oh, good. Oh, what party?
It's at the Cartier Hotel.

I want all my staff
and network people
to meet you.

Oh! Oh, I didn't know
about a party.

Oh?

No.

Uh, and my husband's
expecting me at home.

Oh, well, he would be
perfectly welcome
to join us.

After all, you are
our guest of honor.

MIKE:
Why, certainly!

Oh, really?

Oh. Oh, that's very nice.

Um... Uh, maybe I could
call him at the hospital

and he could meet me
at the party

when he...
When he's finished.

Fine. Fine.
That's fine.
Oh, I'll do that. Good.

Well, I hate to be a killjoy,
but shouldn't we watch the art
we're sponsoring this week?

Oh, good heavens.
(LAUGHS)

Third act.
Third act.

Mike, uh, may I
phone from here?

Yeah, sure. Right here.

Oh, hello.
Is Dr. Boyer there, please?

Oh. Yes, I'll wait.

Lorraine,
what a surprise.

You will join me
in a glass of champagne,
won't you?

Waiter?
Another glass, please.

Well, what
a pleasant surprise.

I must say you're looking
marvelously well, my dear.

And in honor of this occasion,
I'd like to propose a toast.

To you, Lorraine.
Thank heavens
I didn't marry you.

Tell me, do you still have
those magnificent,
soft, white shoulders?

Whom do you tantalize
with them now?

(COUGHING)
You...

You... You tramp!

Waiter!
(SPUTTERING)
You tramp!

(WHISPERS)
Hey. Isn't that scene
like the one last week

with the Nazi
and that woman,
you know?

Similar, but the public
doesn't notice things
like that.

They did that play
last week,

except they wore
different costumes.

Yeah, it's the same story.

It's much too subtle
a variation for
the public to detect.

Yes.

Oh, no, don't
bother him now.

But would you please,
um, give him a message”?

He's to meet you
at the Cartier Hotel
in the private dining room.

(MURMURS)
Till 1:00.

All right, Mrs. Boyer.
I'll see he gets
the message.

WOMAN: (ON PA)
Dr. Krindle, you are wanted
in Surgery One.

Oh, hello. Uh,
I'm trying to get in touch
with Mrs. Beverly Boyer.

There ain't nobody
here now.

Beverly? Oh, the one
that did the commercial.

(CHUCKLING)
Hey, cute girl.

She's gonna be on
next week.

Why don't you try
and give her a ring then?

Thanks,
I'll do that.

(CHATTERING)

Thank you.
(CHUCKLING)

Excuse me.
Oh, excuse me.

Oh, Beverly.

Oh, you must be
so proud of yourself.

(LAUGHS)

I'd be absolutely petrified
if I had to stand
in front of a camera.

I was!
I was a nervous wreck.

Oh, I didn't know what
I was going to say.
Oh.

I just sort of
rattled on and on.

Your rattling is what
made that commercial.

Really, it's so refreshing
to hear someone speak
so naturally

and so honestly
about a product.

Thank you, Mrs. Fraleigh.
We're pleased that you
like our new approach.

Your new approach?

Why, yes. It's been
on our launching pad
for quite a while.

Just waited until we found
our little astronaut.

(GIGGLING)

We haven't seen
Dr. Boyer.

Oh, that's right!

Um, what time is it,
please, Mr. Fraleigh?

After 1:00.
Is it?

Oh, well, he should
be along any minute now.

"Cold fried chicken
in the meat keeper.

"Will be home
about 10:30.

"And I love you.
Bev."

Olivia?

(WHISPERS)
Olivia? Are you awake?

Olivia, are you asleep?

Olivia.
(SCREAMS) Who are you
and what do you want?

(SCREAMS)
Oh! It's me!

Oh! (GROANS)

Oh, Dr. Boyer,
I'm terribly sorry.

I didn't know
it was you.

Do you always sleep
with a bat?

Well, you read
such awful things
in the newspapers.

A girl can't be
too careful.

What was it you wanted?

Did my wife call tonight?

It's after 1:00.
She's not home yet.

You mean she isn't
in the house?

No, she isn't.

You mean you and I
are here alone?

Now, calm yourself, Olivia.
I didn't come here
for any foul purpose.

I... I... Here, Olivia.
(SCREAMING)
Get out of my room!

Now, Olivia!
Get out of my room!
Get out of my room!

And I hereby
tender my resignation!

Accepted!

Mommy! Mommy,
I'm scared!
(PHONE RINGING)

Hello. Andy.
Mommy, I'm scared.

BEVERLY:You're home?
Yes! And where the devil
are you?

Mommy, I'm scared!
Andy, it's all right.

Gerald, what is going on
around there?

Is... Is that Andy crying?

Yes.
Well, what woke him?

Olivia was screaming.

Olivia? What was she
screaming about?

She thought I wanted to
get into bed with her.

She thought you wanted to...
(SHOUTS) What?

I'll be right home.

(SLAMS RECEIVER)
(PHONE DINGS)

Where have you been?
Gerald, what happened?

(HORN HONKING)

Olivia,
your taxi's here.

Olivia,
where are you going?

I'm leaving.

I'll not linger
in this den of iniquity
one moment longer.

But, Olivia,
you were so happy here,

and you know
we all love you.

Well, I don't need
that kind of love.

Olivia!

Gerald Boyer,
will you please tell me what
went on in here tonight?

All I can tell you
is if you'd been home
where you belong...

(TAXI PULLS AWAY)
Whatever went on
would not have gone on.

Where are you going?

It is all right if I take
time out from my household
duties to deliver a baby.

ANDY:
Mommy, Mommy,
I'm scared!

Mommy, I'm scared!
Oh!

MAN:
Look into the lens.

Wet your lips.
Now, love that soap.

Good! Good!

Got it.

(EXHALES)

Mike. Mike?

I think kissing
the bar of soap
Is a bit much, really.

The caption will read,
"Happy Soap saved my life."

You'd kiss someone
who saved your life,
wouldn't ya?

Just one more now,
darling.

How much longer
will I be, please?

PHOTOGRAPHER:
Just once more, dear.

I've got to get going, Mike.
I've got a new maid, and I...

She's gonna run
into difficulties if I...
Beverly, please!

Yeah, honey.
Let's... Let's just get
this one last one now.

Good! Good.

(PHONE RINGS)

(RINGS)

(IN GERMAN ACCENT)
Hello. What is it?

Hello.
This is Dr. Boyer.

Dr. Boyer nicht home.
He hospital.

No, I'm Dr. Boyer.
I'd like to speak
to Mrs. Boyer.

Mrs. Boyer picture parlor.

Ich sag nein!
Doctor not home!

Hello. Hello?

I guess I'm not home.

Miss Thompson.

Yes, Doctor?

Do you speak
any German?

A little
high school German.

Would you please call my home
and try to make the new
housekeeper understand

that I will be home
for dinner,
but I'll be a little late?

I'll try, Doctor.

(PHONE RINGS)

I'll get it, Mrs. Goethe!

Hello.

Hallo. My name ist
Fraeulein Thompson.

Ich bin eine
krankenschwester.

Oh, uh, what...

Oh! Oh, um,

ein moment, please...
Bitte... Bitte!

Uh, Mrs. Goethe,
it's for you!

(SPEAKING GERMAN)

Hallo. Was ist?

Uh,ich call
for Dr. Boyer.

Doctor not home!

Call spaeter, ja?

She says
you're not home.

She's right.

Hey! Oh, darling,
I didn't expect you tonight.
You should have called me.

Well, I did,
but every time I called,
I found out I wasn't home.

What?
Oh, never mind.

Hi, Doc!

Your wife's gonna be queen of
the 10-second station breaks.

I'm filming
a commercial.

What time will
you be home?

I'm sort of free tonight.
No babies due.

Well, I shouldn't be
too long, should I?

It's only a 10-second
commercial.

Kiss me for good luck,
darling.

It's my first film.

Oh! Goodbye, darling!

You're tired?
Good night.
Thank you.

No, I'm fine, Mike, except
it took so much longer than
I thought it was gonna take.

Well, you were
wonderful.
Was I?

You were. I tell you,
you just have this...
Thank you.

Oh, darling! Darling,
I'm so sorry I'm late.

A 10-second
commercial?

Yeah. Well, I'll just
drift off. Good night.
It was wonderful.

Good night, Mike.
Thank you.
Good night.

Oh, honey, I just
didn't dream it was gonna be
as complicated as it was.

You have no idea how long
everything took, the makeup
and the costumes and the hair.

Where are you going?
A baby that wasn't due
decided it was.

Oh.
You better not
wait up for me.

Oh, sweetheart,
it won't always be
this hectic, I promise you.

I hope not.
Good night.

(MUTTERS)
Ah! Hello,Herr Doctor.
Hello, Mrs. Goethe.

I don't imagine
Mrs. Boyer's home.

Ja. Missus home.

That's a surprise.
Vat you say?

Nothing.
I didn't see her car
in the driveway.

Ah, carl!
Car in back house.
Oh, in the garage?

Ja. Missus upstairs.
Oh, she pretty!

All dressed up!
(WHISTLES)
Pretty?

Jal
Is that so?

Ja.
(LAUGHING)

Ah. You want
something eat?

Oh, perhaps... Later.

Mmm-hmm.

Oh! You pretty too!
(WHISTLES)

(CHUCKLING)

Hmm.

Oh! Oh, Gerald!

Oh, honey,
are you all right?

Oh, darling.
Darling? Darling.

Are you all right?
Oh.

We were taking pictures,
sweetheart.

MIKE:
Yes, we wanted to do this
at the studio, but we...

Yes, they did.
And I thought it was
a good idea to do it here.

Oh! Mike, would you
leave us alone
for a minute?

Yeah, yeah.
All right, fellas.
Let's take a break.

Sweetheart. Oh.

Oh.

So this was your idea?

Darling,
I did it for you.

For me? You had all this
brought in here for me?
How thoughtful.

I meant us.

Darling, we've seen each other
so little lately

that I thought, instead
of going to a studio,

if I were to do the layout
here at home...

Oh, we'd get a chance
to see each other.

Yes.

I'll be finished
in a couple of hours.

I'm due at the hospital
in a couple of hours.

Oh.

Well, I'll just have
the photographers wait,

and then they
can get their shots
after you leave.

Oh, and we could
"see each other,"

while they wait
in the hall?

Gerald Boyer!

Where are you going?

I am going to take a drive
in an open convertible

and try very hard
to cool off!

(SLAMS)

(HORN HONKS)

DRIVER:
Hey! Why don't you look
what you're doing?

(HORNS HONKING)

(HONKING CONTINUES)
(SIREN WAILING)

Let me have
your driver's license,
mister.

What? Oh. Oh.
It's all right, Officer.
I'm a doctor.

I don't care
if you're Peter Pan.

That's no reason
to stop short like that.
Give me your driver's license.

Mmm-hmm. But that's
my wife up there.

That's very nice.
(SIGHS)

Well, wouldn't you stop
and look if you suddenly
saw your wife

staring down at you
from a billboard?

I wouldn't stop and look
if my wife was hangin'
up there.

Here. Now, get that car
out of here.

And the next time,
look at your wife
at home, will ya?

I would
if she was ever there.

Ten bucks
just to look at my wife?

There. Some vitamins
and minerals
I'd like you to take.

Mmm-hmm. Doctor, couldn't
you give me a little clue

as to when
I might expect it?

I know how impatient
you are, Mrs. Fraleigh,

but really
there's nothing
to do now but wait.

You may not believe it,
Doctor,

but I am really
not impatient.

I've waited such a long time
for this experience,

I'm savoring
every minute of it.

You know something?
(LAUGHS)

I've... I've been
taking very long walks
up and down Fifth Avenue.

Fine.
Exercise is very important.

I don't walk for the exercise.

I walk to show off.

I'm proud of my condition.
Is that silly?

Silly? That's about
the healthiest attitude
you could have.

Oh, I don't know
when I've been so happy.

Oh, I guess there's nothing
more fulfilling in life
than having a baby.

Oh! Listen to me...

Something you've probably
heard a thousand times.

But never stated
so beautifully.

Thank you, Doctor.
I'll see you next week.

If not before.

Oh!
(CHUCKLES)

EVELYN:There's nothing
more fulfilling in life
than having a baby.

Miss Thompson,
would you come in,
please?

(DOOR OPENS)

Yes, Doctor?

Miss Thompson,

would you please send
three dozen roses
to my home

and a couple of bottles
of champagne, imported,

then reserve a table
at the Ritz Pavilion.

And call Mrs. Boyer
and have her meet me
there at 8:00.

Yes, Doctor.
Is it Mrs. Boyer's birthday?

Her birthday?
No. No, not exactly.

But it may be somebody's.

Party of four.
10:00? Yes, sir.

Oh, this is
a marvelous idea.

I should have invited
you out weeks ago.
Yes.

Yes, sir?
Yes. I have a reservation.
Dr. Gerald Boyer.

Oh, yes, Dr. Boyer.

There will be
a little waiting.

Your table will
be ready soon.

I made the reservation
for 8:00.
It's after that now.

I am sorry, sir.
We have been rather
busy tonight. Please.

Oh, aren't you...
Aren't you Beverly Boyer,
the Happy Girl?

Yes, I am.

Oh, may I have
your autograph

for my little
granddaughter?

She's only three...
Thank you.

But she just loves
to listen to you talk
about your soap.

Really? Oh, how nice.

How stupid of me,
Miss Boyer.
Please forgive me.

Of course
I have a table for you.

Thank you.
Waiter.

Table three
for Miss Boyer and party.

Please follow me.

Thank you.

Perhaps Miss Beverly
wish to have some wine.

Uh, we'd like
some champagne,
please.

Well!

Thank you.
Excuse me.

Aren't you
the Happy Girl, Beverly?

Yes, I am.
Oh. See, Lena,
I told you.

May we have
your autograph,
Miss Beverly?

Mmm-hmm.
My niece's daughter
would adore it.

Do you have a pen?

Oh. Uh,
I don't know what...

Oh, here.
Here, dear.
Thank you.

WOMAN:
Now me.

It's for a neighbor's child.
Would you personalize it?

Just write, "To Georgie,
a sweet, darling little boy
of whom I am very fond of."

And sign it.

Pardon me,
but are you anybody?

Well...

This is my husband.

Oh, Mr. Beverly!

No. Dr. Beverly.

I mean Dr. Boyer.

WOMAN:
Married to a doctor.
Isn't that nice?

We'll be watching you,
remember, on TV, Beverly.

You remember
to wave to us.

Thank you.
Uh, my pen.

Oh, I'm sorry.
(GIGGLES)

Oh, darling, I'm sorry.
What a thing to say.

That's all right,
sweetheart.
I'm not that sensitive.

It is
Beverly Boyer.

You're so much prettier
on television.
I didn't recognize you.

Aren't you the announcer
who says, "Here she is,
Miss Beverly"?

I take it back.
I am that sensitive.
Come on, sweetheart.

Oh! But, Miss Beverly,
I want your autograph.

Please,
won't you...
I'm sorry.

We don't have a pen.

Uh... Oh.

Has it ever occurred to
any of you college brains

that we're not making
full use of our girl?

But, Dad, she has been
on the air every Friday
for the past five months.

She is on billboards.
Spot commercials.

Magazines.
Radio.

Newspapers.
What else
is there?

What else is there?

There's Happy Detergent,
you boobs.

Get another program
and let her sell detergent.

Yes, Dad. Well, what
kind of program, Dad?

What's the difference?

Get me one of them damn shows
where everybody in the family
is smarter than the father.

Or buy me a tall marshal
with a goofy sidekick.

Don't matter.

Come on!

(TV PLAYING)

(CHANNELS CHANGING)

(WOMAN SCREAMS)

MAGGIE:
Look at the color.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Andy, it's not a toy.
It's a new set.

Now...
You've gone too far.

(AIRPLANE ENGINE)
One more.

That's enough.

Pour one.

We don't serve drinks
to killers.

Now, Kitty,
who'd I ever Kill?

My father and my brother,
to name two.

Bartender,
a bottle and two glasses.

Don't you two think you'd
be more comfortable in bed?

We wanna see
Mommy first.

We didn't see
Mommy today.

Ja, they nicht
see Mama today.

First they school
and then Mama go
to pretty parlor, and then...

All right, all right.
You can see Mommy.

But right after Mommy
to bed, huh?
...know me better than that.

All right, Kitty.

Pour. Pour!

She's gonna hit him
on the head
with the bottle.

But first she's
gonna spritz him.

I'm not gonna
hurt you, Kitty.

Why, you... You...

You... You floozy!

You... You tramp!

ANNOUNCER:
In a moment,
we'll see the conclusion

of this week's episode
of Marshal Tucker, M.D.

But first,
an important message

from our Happy Girl,
Beverly Boyer.

Hi.

You know, it really
seems funny talking to you
on a Tuesday night,

since Friday's been
my day to tell people
about Happy Soap.

Well, they still haven't
seen their Mommy today.

Mrs. Goethe.
Oh.

‘Course, I don't want
you to get your hopes
up too high,

because you're still going
to hear a commercial.

Unless, of course,
you decide to go
to the kitchen

for a sandwich or a,
you know, bottle of beer.

I'm going to tell you
about another Happy product.

Happy Detergent.

Now, its label
makes many claims.

It says it's good for dishes,

clothes, woodwork,

and even the tile
around your swimming pool.

Of course, I wouldn't
know about that

because, you see,
I don't have a pool,

and I'm certainly not
about to put one in

just to, um, test this.

But I do know this,

that the Happy people
make a fine product,

and they wouldn't lie.

Bye.

Good girl!
Turn her off! Turn her off!

Is that you, Palmer?

Get her a swimming pool.

Damn the cost.

I want it in her backyard
in time for the next
commercial.

You don't have
to get permission.
I want it to be a surprise.

Now get over there
and start diggin'.

I want it in
by tomorrow night.

Give me a nut.

Good morning.
I think you wait
for missus.

She come soon.

Ah-ah!
(SPEAKS GERMAN)

She don't tell me
she order hole.

Oh, well, now,
don't worry,
Mrs. Goethe.

This is a surprise.

When will
Mrs. Boyer be back?

Ah, she come for lunch,
12:00, and then you see.

Ah!

Mom, could we play golf
till lunch is ready?

Yes, darling,
you can play
in the backyard.

Hooray! Hooray!
Come on, Maggie.
You be the caddie.

Don't chop up the lawn
like Daddy.

(MEN CHATTERING)

(SPEAKING GERMAN)

Mrs. Goethe.
Mrs. Goethe, you're speaking
in German again, dear.

I don't know
what you're saying.
KIDS: Mommy! Mommy!

Darling,
please go out
and play in the yard.

Please. Mrs...
There's no backyard.

They took it away.

Andrew, now, really...
Honest, Mommy.
Come and look.

All right.
Go!

I guess we have
to play games.

Who did that?
I didn't, Mommy.

I didn't even swing
my club once.

No, he didn't
do it, Mommy.

But who did that?

Maybe Daddy did.

Compliments
of Happy Detergent.

One filtered
swimming pool.

What?

A swimming pool?

For your children
to swim in and for you
to do commercials.

Oh, but this is ridiculous.

Does my husband
know about this?

Why, no. We thought
you'd like to surprise
him with it.

Oh! Surprise him!

Well, don't tell me
he would object

to someone giving you
a free swimming pool.

Oh, Mike, ever since
that night at the restaurant,

he objects
to everything I get...

Money, compliments, pools.

Pools?

Oh, Mike!

All right, now, Stanley,
we want a real
high pyramid.

Make a real...
High up as
you can get it.

All right.
Straight line.

Right... Right along here.
Use all these boxes.

EVELYN:There's nothing
more fulfilling in life
than having a baby.

Hi.

Hi.

Sweetheart,

I'd like to apologize
for my behavior.

These last few weeks,
I've been, well,

less than
a loving husband.

Oh, darling,
I haven't given you
much of a chance to be,

ever since that night
at the restaurant.

I know. I'm sorry.

I would like
to make it up to you.

When?

Well...

Do you have any plans
for tonight?

No.

I was just waiting
for a call from my husband.

(WATER RUSHING)

What was that?

Mmm.

Sounds like rain.

Mmm-hmm.

I left the top down
on the convertible.

I guess I'm gonna have
to put it in the garage.

Mmm.

Hey.
Hmm?

Don't you run off.

(CAR DOOR CLOSES)

The pool!

Gerald!

Gerry!

What?

l... Gerry, I forgot
to tell you we have a pool!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Gerald, I'm coming.

Darling, I'm coming.

Oh! Oh, darling,
you're dripping wet.

Where did
the pool come from?
Oh, oh, oh.

Why, darling, you must
be chilled to the bone.
It's a heated pool.

(SHOUTS)
How did it get here?

Please don't shout.

I have to shout
to be heard over
that bilge pump.

It's a filter, darling.
I know what it is.

I wanna know how it got
in my backyard.

Please be quiet
and I'll tell you.

Why do you have to get
so excited, darling?

Excited?

I just drove my car
into a swimming pool.

Gerald. Oh, Gerald,
you always said
you wanted a pool.

Yes, but don't you think
I should be consulted

before you spent
$5,000 of our money?

Oh, so that's
what it is.

Darling, I didn't spend
one cent of our money.

Oh, I see.
It's come to that.

Come to what? Oh!

Our money
and your money.

Well, let me tell you.
This is still our house

and our backyard
and our children.

And when we build
a swimming pool, it will
be built with our money.

And what is our money?

Our money is what I earn
by being a doctor.

Oh, and what I earn
is not ours?

It's yours!

Ooh!

You mean that I'm not
allowed to participate
in this household?

What's mine is mine,
and what's yours is ours?

If you like.

Well, I don't like.

Whatever happened
to my rights as a woman?

I'll tell you
what happened to them.

They grew and they grew
until they suffocated
my rights as a man.

Whoever said all men
are created equal

didn't anticipate a woman
making $100,000 a year

and spending it
on swimming pools.

I did not spend it
on swimming pools!

And you're gonna wake
the children.
Good.

It'll give 'em a chance
to get reacquainted
with their mother.

By the way,
how many minutes
did they see you today?

Oh, many more minutes
than they've seen you,
Dr. Boyer.

Oh, I've got to hand it
to you, Beverly.
Now you have finally done it.

Done what?

You have finally
succeeded in equating
the delivery of a baby

with the delivery
of a commercial.

Oh!

What are you doing?

I am filling this suitcase
with my clothes.

Oh, really?
Well, I'll help you.

And I'm gonna
continue to do it

until you give up
this asinine career
and go back to being a wife.

Go back
to being a wife?
Yes.

That's mine.
Give me that.

I'm the kind of a husband
who likes to see his wife,

and not staring at him
from a billboard

or looking up at him
from a magazine ad.

I wanna see her,
and I wanna see her
in person, and often.

Are you giving me
an ultimatum?

Yes, damn it!

Well, that just...

You can see me on page 41!

You might need this.

You can reach me
at the office

if you get tired
of kissing soap.

(SCREAMING)

(GROANING)

(GRUNTING)

(FILTER SUCKING)

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

You ask her.

But her eyes
are closed,

and Mommy said
never to wake her
if her eyes are closed.

They're not
closed tight. Look.

They look tight.

ANDY:
There's a little slit
in this one. See?

I don't see no slit.

Right there.

Oh, now I see it.
It's a big slit.

(GROANS)

Good morning.
BOTH:
Good morning, Mommy.

Are you awake?

What is it?

Could we go out
and play in the snow?

Do we have to put
our snowsuits on, Mommy?

Mmm-hmm.

Will you go help us
build a showman?

Hmm? What?

A snowman.

Andrew.

There's no snow, sweetheart.

Yes, there is.
Out in the backyard.

It didn't snow
in the front.
Mmm-mmm.

Honest, Mommy.
Honest, Mommy.
Come and look.

Oh, I'm so tired.

Oh! Oh!

Do I have
to do this? Huh?

What is out here now?
What are you showing me?

What? What is...
What is this?

It's slippery.

Oh!
(SCREAMS)

What is this? Oh!

Where are you?
Come out of here.

(SPEAKING GERMAN)

(SHRIEKS)

(COUGHING)

Ah!

Come on. It's... Oh!

Come on here.

(EXCLAIMING IN GERMAN)

Ah!
(EXCLAIMING IN GERMAN)

(KIDS LAUGHING)

(MRS. GOETHE
SHOUTING IN GERMAN)

BEVERLY:
What are we going to do?

BEVERLY:
Coming!

Oh. Hello.
Hi ya.

Are you the lady
that called
about the stuff?

Yes. It's in the backyard,
right around there.

I know it's none
of my business, lady,

but how did you happen to get
three truckloads of potatoes
in your backyard?

Potatoes?

Yeah. It says so right here.
"Pick up spuds."

Oh, no, that's a mistake.

Well, I figured it was.

What kind of a nut would have
three truckloads of spuds
in their backyard?

No, it's "suds".

Suds?

Suds.

MAN 1:
It's beautiful!

MAN 2: Yeah, it's...
It's like heaven.

MAN 3:
That's the closest to heaven
you'll ever get.

MAN 4:
It's almost a shame
to bust the thing up.

Look at
the different shapes.
That has an angel with wings.

Hey, yeah.
That looks like
one of Santy's reindeers.

Hey, there's
a naked lady.

OTHERS: Where?

MAN 2:
Ah, the wind ruined it.
Blew the best parts away.

Aw!

Look, guys, you two take
the angel with the wings.

You two take
that reindeer.

I'll take
the naked lady.

Aw!

Be careful
of this stuff.

I love this kind of work.

This is
the best-smelling garbage
I ever handled.

Hey, I lost
the lady's head.
Wait a minute. Here it is.

How do you keep this
on the shovel?

Watch it.

Oh, pardon me.
Do you know if they're
sending the crane over?

A crane? Lady,
you've gotta be kidding.
This stuff ain't that heavy.

Oh, not for this.
There's a car
at the bottom of the pool.

A car?
Yes.

You mean...
Like an automobile?
Exactly.

Lady, how the heck
did you ever man...
I can't go into it now,

but it's down there,
believe me.

Hey, guys.

The lady says
there's a car
at the bottom of the pool.

No foolin'?
A regular car?
A regular car.

Hey, how about that?
What kind of car is it?

A convertible.
And you can't miss it.
It's the only one down there.

She probably overloaded
her washing machine.

They tell you not to,

but some people just
don't read the boxes.

Mmm-hmm.

(CHATTERING)

All right,
now, stand back, folks.
We're gonna haul'er up.

Okay, Charlie,
take'er up.

(APPLAUSE)

Oh, good morning,
Dr. Ehrlich.

Mmm-hmm.

Oh, I... I just spent
the night in a hotel.

Mmm-hmm!

Miss Thompson.

Miss Thompson!

EHRLICH:
Yes, Doctor?

I wonder if I could
borrow a match, Doctor.

Oh, certainly.

Thank you.

Oh, I'm sorry.
Your matches.

Hmm. I had matches
in my pocket all the time.
What do you think of that?

What do you think of it?

What do I think of it?
(CHUCKLES)

You mean
what's the hidden
psychiatric meaning

behind my borrowing a match
when I already had matches?

Well, I'd call it
absentmindedness.

I'm sure that you
would diagnose it

as a... A convenient
subconscious attempt

for me to come in here
and chat with you.
(LAUGHING)

Do you have
a minute, Doctor?

Mmm-hmm.

MRS. GOETHE:
Hallo.
It's only me, Mrs. G.

Oh!

Hi.

Am I welcome?

Welcome home, darling!

Forgive me?

Oh. Forgive you?
Mmm-hmm.

For acting like
a Victorian fool.

For refusing
to accept the fact
that you have a career.

Oh, darling,
do you mean that?

Of course I do.

Oh!

Naturally, I'll have
to readjust my life a bit.

You'd readjust
your life for me?

You're my wife,
aren't you?

Oh, yes, darling,
I am. Mmm.

Sweetheart, I've got
to get back to the office.
Mmm-mmm.

Honey, I've got
patients waiting.
I don't want you to go.

I must.

Well, would you
come home early?

I'll bake you
something special.

With r-r-rum.

R-r-rum?

Oh, not tonight, honey.
I forgot. I'm sorry.

I've been invited
to this bachelor party.

One of the residents
at the hospital
is getting married.

Darling,
do you have to go?

Honey, I have to.
It's a bore...

Sweetheart, you don't need
a tuxedo for a bachelor...
It's a formal bachelor party.

So long, sweetheart.
You'd better not
wait up for me.

(SIGHS)
Bye.

Okay.

(FRONT DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)

GERALD:
Here.

And away we go.
(LAUGHS)

Where did
Herr Doctor go?

To readjust his life.

Ah! So? Good.

Would you care
for a picture,
sir? No?

Oh, young lady.

Oh, would you care
for a picture, sir?
Yes, please.

Okay.

Ready? Shoot.

Thank you.
Thank you.

Thank you,
Miss Thompson.

Oh! Good morning, dear.

Do I have time for a shower
before breakfast?

Yes, you do, dear.

♪ You're a sweetheart
if there ever was one

♪ If there ever was one,
it's you

♪ You're a sweetheart
(WATER RUNNING)

♪ If there ever was one

♪ If there ever was one,
it's you

(HUMMING)

♪ You're a sweetheart
(WATER STOPS RUNNING)

Honey, sweetheart,
I'm surprised at you.
[... 1...

Letting me go into the shower
without my underwear.

♪ You're a sweetheart

♪ If there ever was one ♪

Well, was
the bachelor party fun?

It was okay.

Um, were there
any wives there?

Honey, if wives were
allowed, wouldn't I have
asked you along, huh?

(CHUCKLES)

No women?

Of course not.

Say, you're not, uh,

doing any commercials
tonight, are you?

No.

I'm free tonight.

Hmm. That is a shame.

The one night you're free
and I've got to give
a lecture.

So long, sweetheart.
I'll call you later.

When will you be home, dear?

Well, I... I'm not sure.

But don't wait up
for me.

(DOOR CLOSES)

(HUMMING)

Oh!

(GARGLES)

(GROANS)

(SIGHS)

♪ How dry I am

♪ How dry I am

♪ Nobody knows

♪ How dry I am

♪ How dry I am

♪ How dry I am

♪ How dry I am

♪ How dry I am

JHowdry lam ♪

Honey,
where are you, honey?

Oh, yes, darling.
I'm right here.

I want you, honey.

What is it, darling?
Oh, you know something?

What?

You're a great woman.

And I'm a big, fat rat.

Don't you say that.

I am. The way
I've treated you, I am.

No, you're not.
I am.

No, you're not.
I am!
I'm a big, fat rat.

You're not
a big, fat rat.

You... You're a sweet,
wonderful woman.

And I don't know
why it's taken me
so long to find out.

Hush, darling.
Don't say any more,
please.

You're the most

wonderful,
understanding woman

in the whole world,

Gloria.

Gloria!

Ooh!

Ooh!
(DOOR SLAMS)

(SNIFFLES)

(SIGHS)

You've only got a few minutes
before you go on.

You'd better start changing.

(SNIFFLES)
I'm wearing this.

I'm not talking
about your dress.

I mean your personality.

I'm sorry, Mike.

We can't have
a nervous, overwrought
unhappy housewife

telling America
about Happy Soap.

Look at you.
Your eyes are red.

You're twisting
your hankie.

You're biting your lip.

That's no way
for a career girl to act.

I don't think I'm cut out
to be a career girl.

Our sponsors
think you are.

Well, my husband doesn't.

Your husband's
a Victorian.

My husband is a doctor,
and I'm a doctor's wife.

Or I used to be.

Used to be?

Oh, Mike, everything is...
(PHONE RINGS)

Everything is... Oh!

Hello.

WOMAN:
Mrs. Boyer?
Yes.

Dr. Boyer asked me to call
and tell you he'll be held up
at the hospital tonight,

and he won't be able
to pick you up at the studio.

But he will meet you
at the Cartier Hotel later
if he can.

Mrs. Boyer,
do you understand?

Yes.

Yes, I understand.

Aw, cheer up, honey.
We all make mistakes.

Oh, Mike,
I'm so embarrassed.

How could I forget
the name of our soap?

What did I finally call it?

Palmolive.
Oh.

Have another drink.

I just kept thinking
about Gerald.

I know he's
at the hospital, but...

But you're not sure.

Of course I'm sure.

Well, by calling
the hospital, you can
be absolutely sure.

I'd never do that.

Why not?
Because he might
not be there.

Well, he said, "Yes,
but only on Thursdays."

Gardiner.

Excuse me.

Yes, darling.
Gardiner.

Hmm?
I'm going
to have a baby.

Yes, darling. I know.

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, my God. You...

Are... Are you sure?

Quite sure.

Oh, well, you...

Just...
(MUTTERING)

Beverly. Beverly.
Yes.

Call your baby.
My wife's having
a husband.

Quickly. Quickly.
Oh.

Uh, the Doctor's Hospital,
please. Eighty-eighth street.

Well, now you'll know.

Is Dr. Boyer there, please?
This is an emergency.

He's not... He's not?

Well, can you reach him?

Oh, fine. Tell him that
Mrs. Gardiner Fraleigh

Is on her way
to the hospital to deliver.

Yes. Thank you.
Beverly, did you reach Dir...
Did you reach Dr. Boyer?

He'll meet you
at the hospital.
Fine, fine.

Would you mind coming
with us, Beverly?
Oh, yes.

Of course I'd...
In case that...

I don't know anything about...
It's just a matter of...

Excuse me, please.
Excuse me.

I am not going to have
the baby in the car.

But I would like Beverly
to go with me.
Would you?

Oh, you know I will.
Oh!

Are you afraid, darling?

Only being alone
in the car with
an expectant father.

Do... Do you want me
to carry you?

Oh, Gardiner.

All right, let's
go quietly, but hurry.

Keep moving. Keep moving.
Mike, get the car, please.
Yes.

All right, there's nothing
to worry about. (GROANS)

Hmm.

(MUTTERS)

All right, Sidney.
Where to, sir?

The hospital,
you idiot.

Dr. Boyer.
Oh, hello, Mike.

Party break up early?

No. It just moved
to the hospital.

Mrs. Fraleigh?
Yeah.

Can I give you a lift?
Yes, please.

To go to Doctor's Hospital,
we go up Third Avenue
to 88th,

turn right and go
to the river, huh?

(HORN HONKS)

(HORNS HONKING)

It's all right, Mrs. Fraleigh.
You're doing just fine.

Is there anything
I can do?
Just get us to the hospital.

Sidney. Sidney,
what's holding us up?

Traffic, sir.

Hurry.
Oh, dear God.

Please.

Damn it, Sidney.
Do something.

l... Uh,
blow your horn.

(HORN HONKS)
(HORNS HONKING)

Oh, dear me.

Oh, the pain
is every five minutes.

We've just gotta...
We've just gotta hurry.

Hurry, hurry, hurry.

Sidney. Sidney,
I don't care
how you do it,

but I am going to give you
exactly five seconds
to get this car moving.

(HORN HONKING)

MAN 1:
Hey! Hey!

MAN 2:
Hey, what are you doing?
Get off the sidewalk!

MAN 3: Hey, you jerk!
Get off the sidewalk!

MAN 4:
Hey, Mac, knock it off!

MAN:
You're gonna hit somebody!

DRUNK MAN: Why don't you
look where I'm going? You nut.

Hey, there's something
coming up over here.

MAN 2: Hey,
you're gonna hit somebody!

MAN 3:
Get off the sidewalk!

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute, Mac.

I know you have a reason
for driving on the sidewalk.

But I warn you,
it better be a dandy.

My wife
is having a baby.

That's dandy enough.
Follow us.

(SIRENS BLARING)

Lots of luck!

Good evening,
Dr. Boyer.
Good evening.

Was Mrs. Fraleigh
admitted?

Uh, not yet, Doctor.

Probably held up
in traffic.

Is it much farther?

Not much.

(GASPS)

Oh, dear.
What's the matter?

Four minutes apart.
What does that mean?

Oh, it means I wish
my husband were here.

There's a jam
up ahead, sir.

(HORNS HONKING)

Sidney,
do something.

Shall I blow my horn, sir?

Yes, damn it.

Oh, Gardiner,
your language.

I'm sorry...
Oh, darn it!

She said darn it.

She has never
ever said that.
What does it mean?

It's every three minutes.
Oh, my God.

Beverly, get the phone.
Call the hospital.

The phone is...
It's right there.
Get it out.

Just push
the button down.

(HONKING CONTINUES)

(PHONE BUZZES)

Yes?
They're not here yet.

It's for you, Doctor.

It's Dr. Boyer.

Beverly,
where are you?

On the East River Drive
and 58th Street.

Well, how's
Mrs. Fraleigh?

Every three minutes, Gerald.

I could get there
in about 15 minutes.

Look, you get
back to the car.

I'm calling
from the car.

Oh, dear God.
Please, Mr. Fraleigh.

Gerald, what should I do?

Oh, dear, dear God.

Mr. Fraleigh,
I can't hear.

I'm going to try
to get there in time.
I think I can.

Taylor,
would you get my bag?

If I don't,
you'll have to take over.

Is there a bar
in the back seat?

Is there a bar?
Yes. It's right there.
But why do you need...

Yes, Gerald,
there's a bar.
There's whiskey.

What are you
gonna do with that?
I'm going to wash my hands.

Why would you
want to wash...
Gardiner!

Mr. Fraleigh, would you
please pace up and down
the highway? Please.

Allow me, sir.

Oh!

If I don't make it in time,
does anyone there have a piece
of string or maybe a shoelace?

Oh, Sidney.
Madam.

Sidney, do you
have a shoelace?
Shoelace, madam?

Yes, a shoelace.
I'm wearing loafers.

Oh! Oh, Mr. Fraleigh,
do you have a shoelace?

What do you need
a shoelace for?

Oh, my God,
that's barbaric.

Do you have a shoelace?

l... 'm wearing gaiters.

Well, borrow one.

Borrow a shoelace.

Shoes. Uh...

I'll go... I'll go around.

Uh, pardon me, sir,
but are you wearing
regular shoes?

What are you, a nut?

No, no, no, no.
No, you don't understand.

You see, I'm having a baby
and I need a shoelace.

Get outta here.

Get out of here.

Would you...

No, you wouldn't
have a shoelace.

Would you have... No.

Shoe... Shoelace.

Sir, I'll give you $20
for a shoelace.

Twenty dollars
for a shoelace?
Forty dollars.

Here you are.
Twenty dollars is enough.

"Twenty dollars is enough.”

The man offered 40,
but my Irving has
to be a big shot.

(GRUNTS)

Is there
a newspaper in the car?

Yes, a newspaper.
An unused one
is relatively germ-free.

Here it is. Here itis.

Thank you.
Now get me a newspaper.

A newspaper?
You've got no time to read.
For the baby.

Please, Mr. Fraleigh,
don't ask questions.
Just get it. An unused one.

Gerald, please hurry.

Honey, Dr. Taylor
is gonna stay on this phone
in case you need instructions.

I'm on my way.
Here, Taylor.
And stay awake.

Come on, Mike.
Let's see if that car of yours
can outrace a stork.

Excuse me, sir.

You can't have
my shoelaces.
Get outta here.

No, no, no.
I don't want your shoelaces.

I need a newspaper...
For my baby.

I hope the baby
don't object.
It ain't the Times.

Oh, thank you.
Thank you very much.

Did you read this?

Yeah. You can keep it.

I don't want it
if you read it!

Get outta here!

Ooh!

Pardon me, sir.
Could I have that newspaper
you have in the backseat?

I'm sorry.
I haven't read it yet.

Wonderful.
I'll give you $10 for it.

Ten dollars
for a newspaper?

Uh, how much?

Uh... Uh, 20.

Thank you.
Call again.

Twenty dollars
isn't enough
for a newspaper?

Some businessman.

In a seller's
market like this,

you could've got 100.

(SIGHS)

Here's the newspaper.
Thank you.

Where's Dr. Boyer?
Why isn't he here?

He'll be here soon.

Oh, relax, Gardiner.

Babies are born every day.

That's true, sir.

Oh! Why don't you
shut up and drive?

(CHATTERING, MURMURING)

Are you a doctor?

Where are the police?

You see, my wife is...
Are you a doctor?

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Officer, I've got a maternity
case in a Rolls-Royce
about three blocks ahead.

Can you give me a lift?
Sure. Hop on, Doc.

Are you a doctor?

That did it!
(GRUNTING)

Oh, dear.
(SIRENS WAILING)

Officer! Officer!

Officer! Office...
Oh!

Look, I... My wife
is having a baby.

Officer. Officer.

Oh, there...
There he is.
There's the doctor.

Doctor?

There's a very pregnant lady
around here somewhere.

I think she's
gonna have a baby.

Anybody hurt
in the accident?
Nobody hurt.

GARDINER:
Right here,
Doctor.

Just follow me.
Follow me.

Would you try to keep
the people away?

And clear
this lane of traffic.

All right now.
Clear it out.

Hey, you guys,
give me a hand.

There's a pregnant
woman there.

All right, everybody,
gather round here.

Up! Up!
Move it over.

That's it.
Move it over.

Move this car out.

Come on.
Move this car out.

All right, all right.
Let the car through.

Move along.

Hurry, Sidney.

Sidney, wait a minute.
Wait, wait.
What about me?

Hop on.

All right now.
Clear it out.

(SIRENS BLARING)

GARDINER:
Hurry, hurry, hurry!

(BABY CRYING)

Darling. Darling, I...

Who's that?

It's your daughter.

It's my... Daughter.

My... Oh, darling.

You are a genius.

(CHUCKLING)

GARDINER: And...
And you're brilliant.

You're brilliant.

That's brilliant.
(STAMMERS) That's brilliant.

That's brilliant, Doctor.

Dr. Taylor, will you
take the baby, please?

GARDINER:
That baby is brilliant!

Look it. That's our baby.

Take over.

Oh, hold me.

Hold me.

Oh, darling,
I need you so much.

Do you need me?

Of course.
Very much.

Darling, you know,
when I helped you
back there in the car,

and I held that new life
in my arms,

I knew... I knew
what you must feel
every single day.

And I felt so close to you.

Oh, darling,

I love you so much.

And I want to be
a doctor's wife again.

Do you think you'll be happy
being just a doctor's wife?

Oh, yes.

ANDY: Did you deliver
a baby tonight, Daddy?

Well, hello there.

BEVERLY:
And what are
you two doing up?

Andy was thirsty.

Did you deliver
one, Daddy?

Well, yes, I did,
and Mommy helped too.

Oh, can we keep it?

Oh, I'm afraid not.

But you said
when Mommy helps,

then you would
bring it home.

Yes, you did.

ANDY: Yes,
you promised, Daddy.

We want a baby.

Well, now, wait a minute...

Darling, a promise
IS a promise.

Now you two get to bed
and Daddy and I
will discuss it.

Will you 'scuss it tonight?
If Daddy's not too tired.

Well, I don't think
Daddy's too tired.

BOTH:
Hooray for Mommy and Daddy!
Hooray for Mommy and Daddy!

Hooray for Mommy and Daddy!