All language subtitles for Kurt.Josef.Wagle.Og.Legenden.Om.Fjordheksa.2010.NORWEGIAN.720p.BluRay.H264.AAC-VXT

You stupid fucking dago,
remove the lens cap before you shoot!

-Foam! Foam! Foam!
-Damn Rock, I'll pull the plug!

-That Was not the plug, Kurt!
-Camera Working?

-Si, Kurt, si, si.
-See? See What?

-Si...si means yes.
-Say yes then, shithead!

Speak properly or shut up.

At least everything is in order.

Kurt! Wanna see hoW
long I can hold my breath?

Not bad. You're getting better.

The big blue. To some it's a party,
to me it's my bread and butter.

Every day for 30 years
I've been hunting the great cod.

Bad Weather and lousy
pay make it a tough job.

And scientists' talk of empty seas
and quotas only make it Worse.

That nonsense is about as dumb
as Women in parliament.

Oh Well, there's alWays
the fresh air, I suppose.

This is Grytefjord, my home.

Peaceful place, not much going on.
We like it that Way.

But 3 Weeks ago, my son
Tordenskjold came home.

He's a hairdresser in Oslo
so We don't see each other much.

Three days ago he Went into
the Woods to 'find himself'.

Couldn't find his arse
With both hands.

Don't you cross
the Milky river, I said.

It divides the forest,
and no local Would cross it.

I ain't superstitious, but everyone
knoWs Satan's bride lives over there.

AKA the fjord Witch.
She sucks...

...people's souls out and cook them.

A right nasty bitch.

So I'm gathering an expedition
to find my prodigal son.

Let's gather our team.

The first member is teacher
Gregor Hykkerud. He's not from here.

He's coming along to prove
that Witches don't exist.

Rural superstition, he says.
Well, that's his opinion.

...prostitution is taXed,
and they've legaliZed...

Oh hi, I'll be With you in a moment.

...age of consent: 12 years...

Hey hey hey! What's all this?

All this mumbling and Whispering...

Johanne, come here.

Come on.

Damn, he's a nice teacher!

OK, I'll see you after lunch.
Don't forget your sWimsuits!

You can Wear
What you like, of course, but...

We leave at 0900 tomorroW morning.

I just don't understand What
you're looking for. Fjord Witch?

-You're not afraid of the dark, huh?
-Not much...

Ha! You don't even dare
sleep With your eyes closed!

Oh, I'll be there! Yes, sir!

Time for sWimming class!

We're headed for the police, and no,
not because I'm criminally handsome.

-Me! I'm criminally handsome!
-You're criminally stupid.

We're talking to the sheriff,
Who's joining the search party.

-So We're leaving at nine tomorroW.
-That's right. And you'll bring guns?

Sure, I'll bring guns.

For me.

Are these potato chips?

I'm kidding. Help yourself!

I think I'll have some of those!

-Help yourself!
-Don't mind if I do!

About the camera.

Do We have to bring it?

Of course We'll fucking bring it!
We're proving the Witch exists!

That's the Whole point,
catching her on tape!

Prove, huh?

Proof...

If We find the Witch...

I'll bloW her off her
fucking broomstick, get it?

BloW her off?
HoW long can you hold your breath?

ShoW me that ball, Rock.

Gone! You gonna go get it?

Anyway. See you at nine tomorroW.

-Ten four!
-No, nine, nine o'clock tomorroW.

Look What I found!
Ball, ball, ball!

We're Waiting for the last
member of the team, Lillian Mulder.

A so-called medium
We found in the yelloW pages.

She's on the bus from Kvænangen.

Think she can help me
With the racing form?

Finding the Witch and my son
requires antennae to the spirits.

And she's supposed to be connected.
There's the bus noW.

-Lillian?
Yes?

I'm Kurt, this is my associate,
Rock Fjeldstad.

Madame!

We thought We'd meet you here,
but you probably kneW that?

Yes. I'm able to see things.

Some call it a gift, others a curse.

The moment I stepped off the bus
in Grytefjord I sensed...

There's evil around here.

-Anyway, We're starting...
-You can sleep on our couch.

No, you'll sleep in my bed,
I'll take the couch.

Before We leave I Want to knoW
if anyone in Grytefjord met the Witch?

That Would have to be
crazy Kåre, but he's seen the yeti, -

- the abominable snoWman,
flying saucers, knives, forks...

I Want to see him.

NoW.

The fjord Witch? So, you're
searching for he fjord Witch.

Have you been eating spoilt roe?

You see Kåre, my son
has gone missing in the Woods.

And I think the fathead
crossed the river.

Crossed the river?

He ain't alive no more...

Kåre, Kurt got me here
because of my magical poWers.

May I see your aura?

You Want to see my aura?

No, not your dick.
The aura, it's something...

Kåre, What I Want you to do,
is give me your hand.

Share With me What you felt
When you met the Witch.

Go ahead.

The year Was 1986.

Bobbysocks had just fellated
their Way to the top of the pops.

I Was checking my lynX traps
by the Milky river.

That's When I saW her.

I still get shivers in my assmarroW
just thinking about it.

She looked at me.

With those green, jet black eyes.

I couldn't move,
I couldn't budge an inch.

I stood there,
feet firmly in the blueberries.

She started laughing.
Sweet mother of fuck.

I don't know if you know what evil is.
I don't think you know.

I know what evil is,
I've stared evil in the eye.

And I've heard evil.

She laughed the most evil,
coldest laugh -

- I ever heard or ever will hear.

Luckily, I was on the right side
of the river so I'm alive.

Suddenly she turned
and was gone in the brush.

But...

I look up, and there she flies.

In a UFO.

With Elvis.

And the yeti.

And the Loch Ness-monster.

Satan!
I think I know what's in his pipe...

Thank you, Kåre.

I've transferred the thoughts and
feelings you've just shared with me -

- to my own being, so that tomorrow -

- in the woods, I may feel
the witch's presence in the woods.

I believe you. God damn, I believe!

This has been very taXing.
I need to rest.

Rest, magical woman. Rest.

Right, Tordenskjold disappeared into
the woods somewhere around here.

I suggest we head into the woods
to look for tracks.

I sense we ought to go this way.

One solitary trail
and you sense it's the right one.

Money well spent.

I brought an extra camera, in case
anyone wants to document something.

If anything should happen, -

- if the shit goes down,
You'll let me handle it?

Me and my little friend.

There are lots of kids round here.

Let's be on our way, then!

Come on!

Wait a minute.

-I forgot about you, Rock
-Are we there?

Not much air in here.

Haha! Hike!

Lillian? I have to tell you something.
You fascinate me.

Who would win a magic battle
between you, Jesus and Harry Potter?

I think you've minderstood, Rock.

Can you pull a rabbit
out of here? Can you, Lillian?

Let's see. What am I
thinking of right...now?

A mustache with jam on it!

Of course I know they burned
witches in Vardø, 300 years ago.

I'm just saying
there's nothing supernatural -

- about it, they were just ordinary
misunderstood women.

I just wish my ex-wife
lived in those days.

I'm trying to tell you that
these stories have always been told, -

- every village always had a witch,
a troll, a sea monster.

But every time it turns out
to be nonsense.

-There's always a natural explanation.
-Natural...oh, you're one of them?

You'll tell me grandad
was a monkey next.

Fuck it, did you cock it up again?
You bloody attention-whore!

Sorry, but the ground bit my foot.

And you! How come you didn't
sense this ten yards earlier?

Yep, nail's gone straight through.

-We'll shoot it off, then!
-No!

Don't shoot! We'll play football!

Motherfucker!

A little help here, Burt.
We'll have to pull it out.

Let's see, tools, just twist it a little.

What in the name of Jesus
are you yelling about?

It looks so god damn nasty!

Then shut your
psychic peepholes and be quiet!

You'd think it was the witch.
Cocksucker.

-Are you gonna operate?
-A little bit.

Turn your stupid face away,
and we'll get you loose.

-Ready? Don't look.
-I'm twisting now.

Yambalaya, motherfucker!

Here's an aspirin. Drama queen.

I say we camp here
and let him recover.

No fucking way, we've only
walked a couple of miles today.

I don't want you to worry about me,
but it stings a bit still.

I sense someone's presence.
Someone's hiked here recently.

Really? You sense someone's
walked along the trail? Marvellous!

You know what, you're a sick lady!

Do you think she's looking
for her contact lens?

Save it, she's got powers
none of us will ever understand!

I hope those powers are
bed-related, because I will bone her.

-Great joke!
-Kurt! Look what I found!

-My powers led me to this paper!
-Mounds!

Tordenskjold's favourite candy bar!

Oh please. That could be anybody's.
Lots of people eat Mounds.

No. It's abominable!

Tordenskjold ate this.
People, we're on the right track.

-Are you alright, Rock?
-Not really. My foot hurts a lot...

Listen! This is the Milky river.

Seeing as the devil's concubine
lives on the other side.

I suggest we camp here.
We need to rest up -

- before we cross the river. Tomorrow.

Question. The witch lives
across the river, right?

Are we looking for an apartment?
A bedsit perhaps?

Probably...
Or a gingerbread house.

That sure ain't milk!

My name is Burt Erik Johansen,
and I'm the local law enforcer.

Or sheriff, if you like.
This is a western society, after all.

A typical day at work can entail,
uh, returning lost sheep, -

- collect moonshine taX...

And I like target practice.
Preferably moving targets...

Eagles for instance. Those are good.

So when Kurt asked me for help -

- finding that bloody fjord witch,
of course I agreed.

And if we find that witch.

I'll blow her cunt hairs off.

-What are you up to?
-Something's wrong with the tent!

Yeah, or your head.

I know what I'd have guessed.
Listen, Rock.

You're on camera detail tonight.
Document everything.

-Everything?
-Do I speak Sami? Everything!

But Gregor and I are on watch,
so there's nothing to worry about.

What's Lillian doing to Burt?
Think she's checking him for a fever?

-Focus on the camera and your task!
-Now they're in the tent!

He IS a policeman,
maybe he's just questioning her.

Sure, Rock, that's probably it.

Campfire coffee.
Like liquid gold.

Special flake in the pipe,
does it get any better than this?

Hang on, I think it might.

-Camphor sweet, Gregor?
-No thanks.

Kurt, I was wondering.
Why are we sitting here?

You say the witch is across the river.
Why don't we invite her?

Witch! WITCH!

Her name is probably not witch.

Yours ain't teacher.

Besides, not only witches take
people in the woods.

What if Lillian is menstruating,
maybe having a rough period, -

- and a bear gets a whiff of that?
Keeping watch makes sense, eh?

You know what? This is too silly,
so I'm going to bed now.

Heh-heh, Pablo, in the dark I can't
hardly see your dirty dago skin.

Quite nice, actually.

Let's see if we can fit...
Well hello, there princess!

I was asked to document everything,
I guess that means all of it.

I'm documenting myself
sitting down here taking a dump.

I ate some dodgy fish

Aw, hell...

WITCH! Witch

Witch alarm!
Burt Erik, get the shotgun!

-Huh? What's up?
-The witch is here!

-What?
-Calm down, what are you on about?

She must have circled above me
and decided to chase us.

What's that you got there, Kurt?

I'll tell you what it is, it's the
ultimate warning, she shat on me!

-Okay, he's been dreaming again
-Of course this is from a witch anus!

-Smell it! Taste! Feel it!
-Cut it out, that's just bloody stupid!

-It's excrement.
-What the hell, you... you...

I know it's the witch, I just know!

I'm really tired now. The camera
and I are going to bed. Night!

People!
We've been warned.

Some drama last night, huh?
The witch shitting on Kurt and all!

I'm not certain it was the witch.

Well I am. But Lillian, I'll protect
you if the witch comes along.

That's comforting, Rock.

Well, we've crossed the milky river.
So we're on witch territory now?

-Don't make light of it, Gregor!
-Come on, have a sense of humor!

So Lillian...

I'd like to thank you
for last night, it was very cosy.

I especially liked the way you
polished my crystal balls.

I was hoping we might
possibly repeat it tonight.

Burt, don't read anything
into last night's event.

I'm a spiritual being, and human
intercourse is just -

- the best way to
replenish my soul's chambers.

Men are simply batteries to me.

But what about all that
sick stuff you said and did?

Oi, even if I am a psychic medium -

- I take it in the ass now and then! God!

Stop! Let's take five minutes.
And I suggest we all have something -

- to drink. We've got a long way to go.

It's pretty out here. I came here
at least in part for the view.

Quit my job down south,
had a conflict with the principal.

There's too much talk
and theory in the system.

I'm more of a people person.

They don't like intimacy,
and I fight for intimacy and...

...touch...
on a personal level, to me...

-Quiet!
-What the fuck is that?

Can you hear that?

Come on. Everybody!

That's Tordenskjold's tent.

Sounds like a soul being sucked out.

Burt, it looks like
you'll bag yourself a witch!

-Satan!
-Dad!

-What are you doing here?
-Fucking hell!

Burt, gimme the shotgun!

-Hey hey, what's all this?
-Kurt, was it the witch?

Worse! Give me the shotgun!

Tordenskjold, you said
you were over all that!

RelaX, it's just a couple of
homosexuals enjoying each other!

-Breathe through your nose!
-Shut up, you crazy gypsy!

-Let go!
-Lie still! Lie still!

-Heh, you look like the boys in there.
-Lie still!

I gather up a search party,
dragging innocent people -

- into the woods
probably risking their lives.

Then I find my son with his
mustache in some guy's crotch.

And not for the first time, I found
him like that a few years ago, too.

Spent thousands trying to
to rid him of the disease.

EXcorcism, drugs, electric shocks...

Made him so nice and quiet.

I thought he was well again!
Bet his mother's glad she left.

-Dad, are you OK?
-Great timing, I was about to come.

I couldn't say anything, Dad,
I knew how mad you'd be.

You don't understand that I'm not sick,
it's who I am! By nature!

Tell that to Saint Peter when
he sends you down the chute to hell!

We'll talk later.
We're still on witch territory.

-We have to get away from here.
-He believes in the witch!

Surprise!

Listen! We have to move out
before dark!

We're still in danger!

It's been 4 hours, and we're
nowhere near the river.

Kurt! My sore's started running!

RelaX, it won't run away!

But seriously, your foot is a goner,
because fuck knows were we are.

People! This saddens me, but it
seems like we may be a little lost.

Jesus, I don't have time for this,
tomorrow's student/teacher night!

I'm not sure what went wrong,
we should have been there by now.

It's the witch.
She doesn't want us to leave!

-She wants our souls!
-Cut the crap, please.

I'll call for aerial backup.

Have us flown out of here.
It's nice to have contacts, eh Kurt?

That's odd. It's completely dead!

-No.
-Huh?

-The witch! That's the witch too!
-Please! It's a coincidence!

Listen. Batteries run out.

And that one's got no sense of place.

It'll be dark soon, so I suggest we
camp here and go home tomorrow.

Hell-oo! That's like
staring in the devil's eye -

- and pulling his beard!

Got any better ideas?

Pablo, go away please, you smell.

-This is working out nice, Kurt?
-So far, yes.

Gregor, you're second unit
camera tonight.

-Get the witch on tape.
-Of course, no problem.

But I was wondering. If bigfoot or
a troll show up, do I film those too?

-Mmm... nah, just the witch.
-Listen!

I wanna play a song, I wrote it myself, -

- for the most
wonderful girl in the world.

Who I think I love.

The first time I saw you,
my tummy hurt, -

- and it wasn't the runs.

Your eyes are so nice and so's
your neck, we'll waltz through life.

Don't go, come back,
we'll play my song.

Nobody will take her away,
she'll come back.

We'll have a good time playing my
song, she will hear my song.

I'll be sore with those
who try to take her away.

Noone's gonna take...

Lillian didn't hear my song.

She had to calm Gregor,
he was a little out of it.

-Did you like my song?
-You play to your strengths, Rock.

I'll give you that.
You play to your strengths.

Pablo, turn on the light.
Hey, idiot, turn on the camera light!

-What's up? Is it the witch?
-Fuck if I know...

Who's laughing?
Nothing's fun here. Go away!

We have to get away!
Pablo! When I open the tent, we run!

One, two, three!

Pablo! Come on!

Rock!

-Is everybody OK?
-What happened back there?

Those were children's voices!

-I thought it was just a lovely dream.
-It was the witch!

I felt the same power flow through me
as I did when I spoke to Crazy Kåre.

We have to find the others!

It's her! No human can
produce those sounds!

-Shoot! For fuck's sake, shoot!
-But I can't see anything!

What do I care? Shoot!

I got it! I got it! Come on!

Oi! Dirty witch! Where are you?

Ow, my arm!
I think a wasp stung me!

Well, here we are. The middle
of the night, in the forest, alone.

God knows where Rock is,
or the others.

But Pablo.

If the witch comes. Seeing as I brought
you to Norway...got you a job.

It's only natural for you to
sacrifice yourself. I've got family.

True, only a homosexual son,
but he's still family.

But you've got nothing,
so if you give yourself to the witch, -

- a substantial raise
might be coming your way.

- Help!
-Quiet!

- Help!
-Sounds like someone needs help!

-Kurt!
-Troy!

-Kurt! Help me, will you?
-It's a long way down!

-You haven't seen Tordenskjold?
-Fuck Tordenskjold, I'm falling!

You're in no position
to give me that lip.

-Kurt, I'm slipping!
-Yeah, yeah. Hand me the rope, Pablo.

-Hurry! Hurry up, Kurt!
-Just a moment.

-Get a move on!
-Yeah, yeah.

Come on, Kurt!

-Come on!
-Just a moment!

Hand me the rope!

Here comes the rope.

-Give us the rope!
-There. Enjoy!

About time you old motherfucker.

Perhaps not a half hitch next time.

Remind me to edit this out Pablo,
it's not worth saving.

-There you are!
-Daddy!

Tordenskjold! Are you alright?

Yes I'm OK, but I think I lost Troy.

-You ain't the only one.
-Huh?

Nothing. Rock? What the hell
have you done now?

Had a little accident and
shot him a little bit, I'm afraid.

-Sorry Rock, I didn't mean it.
-Never mind.

I've been shot worse places than this!
I remember once in Kautokeino...

-What happened to the campsite?
-Fuck knows! There was a fire...

RelaX, at least nobody was hurt.

-Tordenskjold!
-The witch! Watch out for the witch!

Tordenskjold!

Tordenskjold! Hang on!

I'll find you!

Tordenskjold!

Morning again. We survived
the night without further witchery.

But our camp burned down.
Tents, backpacks, all of it.

And the worst part is
Tordenskjold is missing again.

So we have to find him, again, before
we can leave this infernal forest.

Kurt! Look what I found!
My backpack! It wasn't burned!

-You got food in there, Rock?
-Of course!

Rock's got food in his backpack!

-Really? Well done, Rock!
-Food!

There!

-What's this?
-Heat-and-eat! My favourite!

And how will we cook this
favourite dish of yours?

Do you think I'm stupid?

Uhm, and where will you
get the electricity?

-Oh, I dunno... The wire, perhaps?
-Naturally!

-What will you plug it into?
-The wire? Jesus, Kurt!

What do you take me for?

We're saved!

My name is Rock Fjeldstad.

Born and raised in Hammerfest,
Glomfjord and Jessheim.

I met Kurt Josef in grammar school.

We're unseparable ever since.
I'm an entertainer!

I play the pubs in Grytefjord.

Actually, there's only one pub,
and I played there once.

But I write my own songs.

I don't feel too good, I think
I've lost a lot of blood lately.

Are you tired, Lillian?
Wanna sit on my back?

Listen up. It's very important
that we don't dehydrate.

And I know we're out of water.

And our friend Kurt Josef has the sense
of direction of a dead otter.

Couldn't find a creek.

Luckily for you, I was in
the civilian national guard.

They taught me
that one's own urine, or piss, -

- if drunk immediately, is germ free.

And perfectly safe.

You know, I...

It's safe!

And it's very, very, very, important...
that we drink something.

My eyes!

Well. That tasted like...piss.

I guess we really needed
to drink something, though.

I hope my urinary tract
wasn't infected anymore.

We'd better get going.

I think I'll lead the group today.

We're going this way!
Come on, follow through.

Dangerous terrain.
That way, Pablo.

This is just great. Three hours
since the last drink is it?

We haven't found the river,
we're hungry and sore, -

- and Rock belongs in a hospital!

Uhm, what the...?

I think we may have
a bit of a problem here.

-Kiss my cockhead!
-We've been going in circles?

In circles?

I think we have, yes.

-Some fucking pathfinder!
-Yeah, and you did a great job too!

-I didn't lead us in fucking circles!
-No, but figures of eight, perhaps?

We can't have been going in circles?
It's not possible!

What do you mean, can't?
If you were one of my pupils, -

- you'd be on my lap for so long!
-Take a deep breath.

-Fighting won't solve anything.
-No? I've got an idea, then.

Lillian, the psychic one, will use her
inner compass to find our way out.

Don't you doubt my abilities.
Don't be an asshole!

If you'd had half the abilities
you say you do, we'd be home by now!

You couldn't fucking find
chlamydia in a whorehouse!

Shut up, idiot!
Don't talk to me like that!

RelaX now, I'm talking!
Don't point at me!

SHUT UP!

-Listen!
- Daddy! Help me!

It's Tordenskjold.
Tordenskjold! Where are you?

-It isn't him, it's the witch!
-Can't you fucking hear it's him?

-It's the witch playing with us!
-Wait, Kurt!

Daddy!

What the hell was that?

Did you hear it too?

I'm losing my mind.

-We hear it. We hear it too.
-Man, this gives me goosebumps!

Where are you, dirty witch?

I'll blow your fucking head off!

My soul can't take it,
my soul's exploding, I gotta go!

-Wait!
-Hey hey hey! Lillian!

Why is the witch so mean?
What does she want?

She wants what
all women want. Attention!

That was Gregor! Come on!

It was the witch!
The witch, I tell you!

-Lillian fainted
-Kurt, listen.

The witch is real.
You have to get away!

Tell my pupils I love them.

Okey, okey.

He's dead!

Tell the janitor to burn
the pictures in my locker.

Yes.

Well, he's passed away now.

Come closer.

-I have to say...
-You must tell my mum...

It's a bit much, got a pen?

I hate her fucking guts so much.

Let's see.

You hate your pupils,
burn the janitor, you love mum.

No... Fucking idiot!

So. Now he's dead.

The last thing I remember
was like a...a flash of light, -

- and then everything went black.

It was the witch. She was here.
Gregor told us before he died.

So what do we do now?

Find my boy! That's what we do!

But how? We don't know
where we are, Gregor is dead.

We're tired as hell, sore everywhere,
and we haven't got any food!

Well, I know how to solve
one of those problems...

This wasn't too bad,
I've certainly had worse!

He's tough, though.
Maybe we should have smoked him?

Smoked him?

You're insane.
He wouldn't have fit in the pipe!

Don't you want anything, Lillian?

No thanks. I'm a vegetarian.

He was a bit of a
vegetable before he died.

Look! For you!

I said I was a Vegetarian, Rock,
I didn't say I was a cow.

Nice udders, anyway.

Kurt called me when he realiZed
Tordenskjold was missing, -

- said he wanted me
and my powers in the search party.

Since I am a medium and
have recieved this gift...

I can't turn down my fellow humans.

I must have been
about eight years old -

- when I realiZed I have these powers.

One morning, Dad was in a hurry
and couldn't find his car keys.

Looked all over.

Suddenly out of the blue, I tell him:
They fell between the cushions.

Daddy laughed, but looked anyway.

There they were, shining at him.

You must be psychic, Lillian, he said.
And I thought "yes". Yes, I must be.

So I've been doing this for 25 years,
gazing into the spirit world.

It's taXing. Now I'm empty.

No matter how repulsive it is,
I just have to refuel.

Kurt, can I borrow you for a minute?

I don't see why not.

We'll sleep out one more night,
so we figured we'd secure the camp.

We've set up a classic trap,
which may look kind of silly to you.

But as Jesus used to say:
Simplify, simplify, simplify. Amen.

If the witch comes tonight
she's in for a surprise!

Speaking of witches,
Lillian came over just now.

Said she was tired and
needed to charge her batteries.

I needed to discharge my own
batteries, so I fucked her.

She's a ghastly woman, but
Little Kurt can't see all that well.

What's up? Feeling better?

-I think I love Lillian.
-You'd better believe it!

I'm serious! She's a wonderful woman.

-I guess I love her.
-I have to tell you something...

I ate her out!
I went head first into her bush

-When did this happen?
-Just now, over there.

-Damn, she's quick!
-What?

-Nothing.
-We had a wicked 69 over there.

34,5 really, I did most of the work.

So I'm probably moving out.

-I don't know what happens next
-Me neither.

But maybe you can build
a shelter for the night

Yes, sir. Me fiX!

There's something in your beard.

This was an unfortunate turn of events.

There! I finished the shelter.

We'll be nice and warm in there.

Since we have a woman among us,
I suggest we men sleep outside.

Under the stars

Lillian can sleep alone in here
and have a little privacy.

I think I've got a better idea.

You OK, Rock?

The ground is bumpy,
and I've started bleeding again.

Great. Good night!

Pablo! Pablo!

-What's up?
-Burt Erik is missing.

-He'd never leave without his shotgun
I- know. This is very fishy.

Witch or no witch,
I'm sick of losing my sleep.

-I sense something is wrong here.
-So you sense something wrong?

Two deaths, my son's missing,
we hear children's laughter at night.

Maybe you are psychic.

Now Rock is fucking missing, too.

-Good morning!
-What the hell are you doing there?

I was gonna pee, but got trapped.

-Been hanging there long?
-Nah, couple of hours.

I was going to wake you,
but I didn't have the heart.

I still need to pee,
my cig died, and I feel sick.

-Can you get me down?
-Kurt!

-Look over there!
-Don't go away, Rock.

We'll try to find Burt Erik.

It's that infernal witch's laugh.

If we meet her I'll ask her
what's so damn funny!

-That was not the witch.
-Burt Erik!

Come on!

It's children the witch has
taken through the years.

This is getting really creepy, Kurt!

-Burt Erik!
-Kurt!

Oh my god!

-Looks like ballshock.
-He's dead. His soul is gone.

The witch took his soul.
We have to get out of the woods.

The minute we find Tordenskjold
I'll get us out, I promise!

Tordenskjold!

Don't you get it, can't you see
people are dying around you!

-Can't you see he's dead?
-Watch your mouth!

The witch took him, he's finished!
We must get out of these woods!

Cut the crap, lady!
You're completely fucking useless!

I wasn't useless when you took
me from behind in the grass!

Kurt!
What's she saying!

I'm sorry, Rock.
There's no nice way of putting this:

I accidentally fucked Lillian.

Don't let's dwell on the past, Rock.

It was before you were there.
A few minutes before you, in fact.

Tell Kurt...
It... It isn't true!

You're jerks, both of you!
You're a jerk, Lillian's a jerk.

I hope the witch takes
you and eats you!

I am so sorry, Rock! Look what
you've done, stupid woman!

- Daddy! I'm afraid!
-Tordenskjold!

It's time to end this bollocks. Come on!

Please come help me! Daddy!

-We're getting closer.
- Help me!

I think we've located the witch's bedsit.

I can't take anymore.

-I don't want to do this.
-What's the worst that could happen?

The witch can take us, suck out our
souls and send us -

- to hell to burn forever,
but is it really that bad?

At least it's nice and warm!
Come on, Lillian!

Where do we go?

We start with the penthouse.

The interior ain't all that impressive.

Guess that's what happens when
your job is raising hell 24/7.

-I don't think she likes visitors
-Tordenskjold! He's downstairs!

-The witch! I saw her behind us!
-Quickly, Lillian!

-Wait, wait, wait!
-We have to go downstairs!

Go downstairs and help your son,
I'll stay and detain the witch.

-Are you sure?
-Yes...no...yes.

Great! Thanks, lady!

Hang on! Tordenskjold!

- Dad!
-Tordenskjold!

-Dad! So it was you I heard!
-Calm down, daddy's here.

I knew you'd come!

Just a moment.
You're fucking chained to the wall!

She left me for later.
She used me as bait to catch you!

-She wants our souls!
-Yeah, yeah. Don't exaggerate!

I'll get you loose, take you home.
You can have chocolate pudding!

I'm so afraid.

I'm gonna die here!

There's so many things
I wanted to do that I haven't done.

I never dared sing karaoke
and now it's too late!

Next week I was supposed to
take an enema class!

And I've secretly dreamed of -

- dancing with Mikkel Gaup!

God!

Who's gonna look after
my cats when I'm gone?

They'll be all alone!

Hush! Someone's coming!

Sounds like the mother
of all catfights up there.

We have to get out of here.

-The witch!
-Good afternoon!

You're the witch, I presume?

Nice to meet you, Ms. Witch.

No...

I like what you've done to the place.
It's nice and rustic.

There's a sort of Victorian feeling to it.

You're not much
of a small talker, are you?

But that's some schnozz you got!

Are you perchance of Jewish stock?

I want your soul!

I see, but can we discuss
this over a cup of coffee?

You see, I've been running around
the woods all day and I'm beat.

And I should think you'd be tired.

After all that witching

God damn what a sour cunt,
must have been on the rag forever.

You will never leave this place.

I will eat you alive.

You will scream to the gods for mercy.
Your souls belong to me now.

Hey, it's okay being a witch,
but have you heard of mouthwash?

Are we going to die now?

We can forget about
that cup of coffee, anyway.

Wait a minute!

-Rock! You came!
-Of course I came, Kurt.

We're best friends!
And you! Evil poop-lady!

You're so mean and nasty!
You're in trouble now!

I've found your weaknesses!

Eat garlic!

Grab the gasoline can in the corner,
Tordenskjold.

Alright, how about some holy water!
And a cross!

That only works with vampires, Rock

Of course! Vampires! I'm such a fool!

Now daddy! Light her up now!

Rock! Tordenskjold!

Come, Pablo! Come!

I'll say she was all fired up in there!

Back at the Milky river.

Mission accomplished.

Not altogether without losses, but you
gotta break some eggs to cook a roast.

Dad, I'm so glad you came for me.

I didn't think you would, considering
your views on you-know-what.

Queer or not, you're still my son!
Of course I saved you.

Maybe this buggery is alright?

Women are impossible, anyway.

Maybe you and I ought to
have a go, Rock.

I tried to tell you,
it doesn't work like that.

It's not something you choose,
you're born that way.

Don't know if I buy that, -

- all kids are silly for breasts.

But I have a suggestion.

-Let's leave the camera here.
-Huh? Leave the camera?

Things have happened that
people might not need to see.

Things even I can't say I'm proud of.
Pablo, just leave the camera behind.

Pablo, you stupid cunt,
down with the camera!

Good dago. Come on.

-That coffee's gonna taste great!
-It's gonna hit the spot!

Ow! My toe! My foot!

-Step on a nail again?
-I can't see where I'm going!

What a limpdick! Huge eyes,
and you can't see anything.

Get up Rock,
that's nothing to cry about.

Take Tordenskjold on your back,
he's lost his boots.

Tordenskjold, want to piggyback?

Don't drag your feet, Rock, Come on!