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00:00:00,958 --> 00:00:03,461
[soft orchestral music]
2
00:00:03,561 --> 00:00:05,182
[applause]
3
00:00:05,282 --> 00:00:06,904
- Thank you,
Pulitzer Committee,
4
00:00:07,004 --> 00:00:09,226
for this joyous honor.
5
00:00:09,326 --> 00:00:13,030
My good friend, Gloria Steinem,
once asked me,
6
00:00:13,130 --> 00:00:15,872
"Joyce, did you know
that the magazine
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00:00:15,972 --> 00:00:18,515
"you created
in your childhood bedroom
8
00:00:18,615 --> 00:00:21,077
would change
the world forever?"
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00:00:21,177 --> 00:00:24,040
No.
No, I never dared imagine--
10
00:00:24,140 --> 00:00:26,142
- Show me your tits!
11
00:00:27,583 --> 00:00:28,764
Show me your tits!
12
00:00:28,864 --> 00:00:30,446
[laughter]
13
00:00:30,546 --> 00:00:32,548
- Come on, baby!
14
00:00:34,830 --> 00:00:37,012
- Shake them cans, baby.
15
00:00:37,112 --> 00:00:39,114
Yeah.
16
00:00:42,797 --> 00:00:44,899
- Hi.
17
00:00:44,999 --> 00:00:47,102
I'd love to discuss
your use of catcalling
18
00:00:47,202 --> 00:00:49,504
to communicate
with women on the street.
19
00:00:49,604 --> 00:00:51,826
I'm sure that
this was acceptable
20
00:00:51,926 --> 00:00:53,948
when you were coming up
in the construction industry,
21
00:00:54,048 --> 00:00:55,509
but times have changed.
22
00:00:55,609 --> 00:00:57,431
So if you want to meet me,
23
00:00:57,531 --> 00:01:02,095
you can introduce yourself
with a handshake and a name.
24
00:01:04,337 --> 00:01:06,339
- I'm Mike.
25
00:01:07,420 --> 00:01:08,722
- And I'm Joyce.
26
00:01:08,822 --> 00:01:10,563
- Cool, Joyce.
27
00:01:10,663 --> 00:01:11,845
So you gonna sit on my face
or what?
28
00:01:11,945 --> 00:01:13,246
- All right.
[laughter]
29
00:01:13,346 --> 00:01:16,249
[groovy music]
30
00:01:16,349 --> 00:01:17,650
♪ ♪
31
00:01:17,750 --> 00:01:20,332
- Welcome
to the Southern California
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00:01:20,432 --> 00:01:22,655
Magazine Pitch Festival,
where we connect
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00:01:22,755 --> 00:01:24,296
the magazine creators
of tomorrow
34
00:01:24,396 --> 00:01:26,979
with the publishers of today.
35
00:01:27,079 --> 00:01:28,660
This year's publishers
are a fine--
36
00:01:28,760 --> 00:01:30,582
- Do you mind?
37
00:01:30,682 --> 00:01:32,344
- Oh, I--I'm sorry.
They got some policy
38
00:01:32,444 --> 00:01:33,945
about smoking cigars inside,
39
00:01:34,045 --> 00:01:35,907
like it's a fucking hospital
or some shit.
40
00:01:36,007 --> 00:01:38,389
- Line up for whichever
publishers float your boat.
41
00:01:38,489 --> 00:01:40,631
Dazzle 'em with your
three-minute presentation,
42
00:01:40,731 --> 00:01:42,073
- Hey, is that, uh--
43
00:01:42,173 --> 00:01:43,434
first pitch fest?
44
00:01:43,534 --> 00:01:45,276
- Yeah.
Yeah, so I'm just
45
00:01:45,376 --> 00:01:46,517
trying to listen to her.
46
00:01:46,617 --> 00:01:48,799
- I wouldn't get your hopes up.
47
00:01:48,899 --> 00:01:50,280
- Excuse me?
- Ah, it's just
48
00:01:50,380 --> 00:01:51,381
that everybody
and their mama's trying
49
00:01:51,461 --> 00:01:53,563
to sell a magazine nowadays.
50
00:01:53,663 --> 00:01:55,005
For every, you know,
"Cat Fancy"
51
00:01:55,105 --> 00:01:56,406
that finds
its perfect niche audience,
52
00:01:56,506 --> 00:01:58,088
there's about
a thousand "Cat-Tastics"
53
00:01:58,188 --> 00:01:59,809
that are gonna
crash and burn, so.
54
00:01:59,909 --> 00:02:02,692
- Thanks for the recap on
the booming magazine industry.
55
00:02:02,792 --> 00:02:05,975
I'm not "Cat-Tastic"
or any other imitator.
56
00:02:06,075 --> 00:02:09,178
I have been working
on my idea for years.
57
00:02:09,278 --> 00:02:11,340
- You say for years?
- Yeah.
58
00:02:11,440 --> 00:02:13,182
- Good.
Do me a favor.
59
00:02:13,282 --> 00:02:15,284
Come pitch it to me.
60
00:02:16,285 --> 00:02:17,866
- You're a publisher?
- I am.
61
00:02:17,966 --> 00:02:20,448
I'll see you in there.
Good luck.
62
00:02:24,652 --> 00:02:26,794
- "Giant Juggs."
"Milky Moms."
63
00:02:26,894 --> 00:02:29,837
Ew.
- Now go forth and conquer!
64
00:02:29,937 --> 00:02:33,240
['60s-style rock music]
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00:02:33,340 --> 00:02:34,962
- ♪ Ooh ♪
66
00:02:35,062 --> 00:02:38,165
♪ I don't swing my hips
when I walk ♪
67
00:02:38,265 --> 00:02:41,728
♪ And I don't bite my tongue
when I talk ♪
68
00:02:41,828 --> 00:02:45,051
♪ I don't move
when you want me to move ♪
69
00:02:45,151 --> 00:02:48,294
♪ And I don't groove
when you tell me to groove ♪
70
00:02:48,394 --> 00:02:52,258
♪ 'Cause I'm a queen,
and I always will be ♪
71
00:02:52,358 --> 00:02:56,342
♪ All you got to do
is try me ♪
72
00:02:56,442 --> 00:02:57,743
[timer ticking]
73
00:02:57,843 --> 00:02:59,585
- "Math is Hard.
74
00:02:59,685 --> 00:03:02,047
When Back to School
Makes You Feel Like a Fool."
75
00:03:03,769 --> 00:03:07,532
"From Date to Mate:
You Too Can Snag a Spouse."
76
00:03:09,414 --> 00:03:13,078
"The Grapefruit Diet:
Find Your Thin Within."
77
00:03:13,178 --> 00:03:15,480
What do these articles
have in common?
78
00:03:15,580 --> 00:03:17,602
- They're cute and fun.
- With pictures of pretty gals.
79
00:03:17,702 --> 00:03:19,704
- The kind of stuff
my old lady reads in the tub.
80
00:03:21,305 --> 00:03:24,168
- What they have in common
is they're the exact opposite
81
00:03:24,268 --> 00:03:27,011
of the stories I'm gonna have
in my magazine.
82
00:03:27,111 --> 00:03:30,214
This country treats women
like second-class citizens.
83
00:03:30,314 --> 00:03:33,016
We're overlooked, underpaid,
and overwhelmed.
84
00:03:33,116 --> 00:03:35,659
We deserve a magazine
that inspires us--
85
00:03:35,759 --> 00:03:37,060
that shows us how to fight.
86
00:03:37,160 --> 00:03:39,462
Gentlemen, this is your chance
87
00:03:39,562 --> 00:03:41,684
to be on the right side
of history.
88
00:03:43,646 --> 00:03:47,169
"The Matriarchy Awakens."
89
00:03:52,774 --> 00:03:54,856
- Why is she so angry?
90
00:03:56,538 --> 00:03:59,681
- Uh, I believe I covered that
in my presenta--
91
00:03:59,781 --> 00:04:01,783
[timers blare]
92
00:04:09,870 --> 00:04:11,772
- Hey, "Cat-Tastic."
93
00:04:11,872 --> 00:04:13,494
You need a hand?
- No, I'm fine.
94
00:04:13,594 --> 00:04:14,775
- Suit yourself.
95
00:04:14,875 --> 00:04:16,657
Hey, you forgot
to find me today.
96
00:04:16,757 --> 00:04:18,759
How'd it go?
97
00:04:19,359 --> 00:04:21,021
- My pitch needs
a smidge of work.
98
00:04:21,121 --> 00:04:23,663
- Yeah, I overheard you
at "Conde Nasty."
99
00:04:23,763 --> 00:04:25,945
Hey, if it were me,
I'd stop bragging
100
00:04:26,045 --> 00:04:28,348
about how different I was
from the most successful
101
00:04:28,448 --> 00:04:30,750
women's magazines in,
oh, I don't know, forever.
102
00:04:30,850 --> 00:04:32,592
I would say that I was
just like 'em, you know,
103
00:04:32,692 --> 00:04:34,273
but--but with a twist.
104
00:04:34,373 --> 00:04:35,955
- Yeah, well,
maybe that'd work on you,
105
00:04:36,055 --> 00:04:37,636
but I'm looking for
a different kind of publisher.
106
00:04:37,736 --> 00:04:38,717
- Oh, yeah?
And what kind is that?
107
00:04:38,817 --> 00:04:39,798
- The kind that doesn't
108
00:04:39,898 --> 00:04:41,160
fetishize lactating mothers.
109
00:04:41,260 --> 00:04:44,283
- [laughing]
Some mouth on you.
110
00:04:44,383 --> 00:04:46,164
You know, for your information,
I got 4 million
111
00:04:46,264 --> 00:04:48,326
in circulation, I got
12 titles on the rack--
112
00:04:48,426 --> 00:04:50,648
- Yeah,
a dozen pornography titles.
113
00:04:50,748 --> 00:04:51,970
[scoffs]
114
00:04:52,070 --> 00:04:53,691
- What, you think
that's easy to do?
115
00:04:53,791 --> 00:04:56,254
- Breasts, more breasts.
Oh, look--bigger breasts.
116
00:04:56,354 --> 00:04:58,135
If you have to do porn,
at least be original.
117
00:04:58,235 --> 00:04:59,857
- Mm.
- Photograph naked old people.
118
00:04:59,957 --> 00:05:02,019
Or, I don't know, make
a magazine full of nude men.
119
00:05:02,119 --> 00:05:04,261
You know what, maybe you
could be the first centerfold.
120
00:05:04,361 --> 00:05:06,803
See how you like being
objectified for once.
121
00:05:09,486 --> 00:05:11,488
[grunts]
- You dropped something.
122
00:05:18,214 --> 00:05:21,277
['70s soft rock music]
123
00:05:21,377 --> 00:05:23,919
- ♪ Yeah,
I had a dream I could fly ♪
124
00:05:24,019 --> 00:05:27,343
♪ High up above the ground ♪
125
00:05:29,424 --> 00:05:31,767
- I'm sorry, love,
it slipped my mind.
126
00:05:31,867 --> 00:05:33,208
- My parents already
think you hate them.
127
00:05:33,308 --> 00:05:34,890
- I don't hate
your parents, Glenn.
128
00:05:34,990 --> 00:05:36,731
Hate that they voted
for Nixon, but--
129
00:05:36,831 --> 00:05:38,893
- You know how my mom gets
hung up on this holiday party.
130
00:05:38,993 --> 00:05:41,816
- Well, that's what happens
to smart women who don't work.
131
00:05:41,916 --> 00:05:43,578
Still have these big brains,
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00:05:43,678 --> 00:05:45,299
so they use them on things
that don't matter.
133
00:05:45,399 --> 00:05:48,582
See, now that's a story idea.
134
00:05:48,682 --> 00:05:50,504
- Right.
Of course it is.
135
00:05:50,604 --> 00:05:53,467
- What does that mean?
- Your magazine, Joyce.
136
00:05:53,567 --> 00:05:55,669
There are three people
in this relationship,
137
00:05:55,769 --> 00:05:57,150
and not in a fun way.
138
00:05:57,250 --> 00:05:58,992
- Look, I know I've been
preoccupied lately.
139
00:05:59,092 --> 00:06:00,794
- Lately?
You've been completely obsessed
140
00:06:00,894 --> 00:06:02,315
the entire time
we've been dating.
141
00:06:02,415 --> 00:06:04,077
- Well, then so why does
it suddenly matter?
142
00:06:04,177 --> 00:06:05,138
- I guess I just thought
it would be out
143
00:06:05,218 --> 00:06:07,220
of your system by now.
144
00:06:11,143 --> 00:06:13,225
- Out of my system?
145
00:06:15,588 --> 00:06:18,610
You've just been
waiting for me to--
146
00:06:18,710 --> 00:06:21,373
what, give up?
147
00:06:21,473 --> 00:06:23,475
- Joyce.
148
00:06:25,277 --> 00:06:27,499
I love you.
149
00:06:27,599 --> 00:06:29,100
The magazine's not working out,
150
00:06:29,200 --> 00:06:31,102
and I don't get
why you're still going.
151
00:06:31,202 --> 00:06:32,463
- No,
of course you don't get it,
152
00:06:32,563 --> 00:06:33,785
because you rose
through the ranks
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00:06:33,885 --> 00:06:35,266
of a national magazine writing
154
00:06:35,366 --> 00:06:37,908
about houndstooth blazers
and skinny lapels.
155
00:06:38,008 --> 00:06:40,431
- Okay.
- But my stories are political.
156
00:06:40,531 --> 00:06:43,353
No one wants to touch 'em,
so I have to do it myself.
157
00:06:43,453 --> 00:06:46,076
- No, you don't.
Just put all of that energy
158
00:06:46,176 --> 00:06:47,597
into something else.
159
00:06:47,697 --> 00:06:50,700
We could have
a great life together.
160
00:06:52,382 --> 00:06:53,923
- Are you asking me to choose?
161
00:06:54,023 --> 00:06:56,706
- Well, it's not much
of a choice, is it?
162
00:06:58,988 --> 00:07:01,070
- No, it's not.
163
00:07:02,551 --> 00:07:05,214
['70s soft rock music]
164
00:07:05,314 --> 00:07:07,016
- ♪ If you walk
upon the water ♪
165
00:07:07,116 --> 00:07:11,400
♪ Your feet start sinking
in the sand ♪
166
00:07:12,841 --> 00:07:18,206
♪ ♪
167
00:07:20,168 --> 00:07:23,471
♪ Father Time,
he must unwind ♪
168
00:07:23,571 --> 00:07:29,717
♪ Have a heart
and lose his mind ♪
169
00:07:29,817 --> 00:07:33,760
♪ I believe our bad luck
is gonna change ♪
170
00:07:33,860 --> 00:07:35,282
[phones ringing]
- Hello?
171
00:07:35,382 --> 00:07:37,284
[overlapping chatter]
172
00:07:37,384 --> 00:07:38,965
- Yes, I did have
a good Valentine's Day.
173
00:07:39,065 --> 00:07:41,528
- We actually have
a Valentine's Day special.
174
00:07:41,628 --> 00:07:43,750
30% off if you order today.
175
00:07:45,311 --> 00:07:48,774
- That's right, just $9 a year.
176
00:07:48,874 --> 00:07:50,296
Mm-hmm.
177
00:07:50,396 --> 00:07:53,018
- Yeah, that's the sweet spot
right there.
178
00:07:53,118 --> 00:07:55,020
You know, you should do this
for your boyfriend,
179
00:07:55,120 --> 00:07:56,101
get him good and hot.
180
00:07:56,201 --> 00:07:57,783
- I'm sorry, what was that?
181
00:07:57,883 --> 00:07:59,224
Yes, ma'am,
you can cancel at any time.
182
00:07:59,324 --> 00:08:00,826
- You'll get the first issue
next week.
183
00:08:00,926 --> 00:08:03,008
Hope your daughter likes it.
184
00:08:05,170 --> 00:08:07,071
If she's as political
as you say, I'd recommend
185
00:08:07,171 --> 00:08:09,113
getting a "Newsweek"
subscription instead.
186
00:08:09,213 --> 00:08:11,315
There's a revolution coming,
and we're still publishing
187
00:08:11,415 --> 00:08:13,197
puff pieces
about David Cassidy.
188
00:08:13,297 --> 00:08:15,299
- Hey ya, honey.
189
00:08:16,300 --> 00:08:17,281
- What are you doing here?
190
00:08:17,381 --> 00:08:19,323
- Oh, I came to kidnap you.
191
00:08:19,423 --> 00:08:22,346
Nah, you put where you work
in your magazine, dummy.
192
00:08:23,387 --> 00:08:24,888
- You read my magazine?
- I did.
193
00:08:24,988 --> 00:08:26,369
What, you think
I'm illiterate or something?
194
00:08:26,469 --> 00:08:27,971
- Well--
- Look, it's not Proust.
195
00:08:28,071 --> 00:08:29,452
- It's pronounced "Proost."
196
00:08:29,552 --> 00:08:31,174
- Do people enjoy your company?
197
00:08:31,274 --> 00:08:32,936
- Not really.
Look, you've got to go, okay?
198
00:08:33,036 --> 00:08:34,377
My co-workers are G-rated.
199
00:08:34,477 --> 00:08:35,938
They wear sweater sets
and pearls.
200
00:08:36,038 --> 00:08:37,540
- Oh, come on,
those sweater girls are all
201
00:08:37,640 --> 00:08:40,022
freaks on the inside,
you can trust me on that.
202
00:08:40,122 --> 00:08:41,624
Hey, come to Mort's, 1:00.
203
00:08:41,724 --> 00:08:42,985
Let's talk business, okay?
204
00:08:43,085 --> 00:08:44,306
- You think I'm just
gonna show up
205
00:08:44,406 --> 00:08:45,788
for some mystery meeting
in a diner,
206
00:08:45,888 --> 00:08:46,909
like I have nothing better to--
207
00:08:47,009 --> 00:08:48,510
- So, we're up in Lake Havasu,
208
00:08:48,610 --> 00:08:49,911
and we're shooting
these two chicks
209
00:08:50,011 --> 00:08:52,113
for the cover of "Asian Asses,"
210
00:08:52,213 --> 00:08:55,917
and I got this really sexy kind
of Vietnam rice paddy angle
211
00:08:56,017 --> 00:08:59,280
and my makeup boy, Richie,
knocks the bag of film
212
00:08:59,380 --> 00:09:00,521
right into the water.
213
00:09:00,621 --> 00:09:02,203
- Mm.
- So we got to shut down
214
00:09:02,303 --> 00:09:03,804
as he goes into town,
215
00:09:03,904 --> 00:09:05,366
and the chicks start bitching,
you know?
216
00:09:05,466 --> 00:09:06,967
- They do that.
- "Doug, how long
217
00:09:07,067 --> 00:09:08,409
is this gonna take?
It's so cold out here."
218
00:09:08,509 --> 00:09:10,651
So guess what I did.
219
00:09:10,751 --> 00:09:12,973
- Re-evaluated
your entire existence?
220
00:09:13,073 --> 00:09:14,214
- I gave them the only thing
221
00:09:14,314 --> 00:09:15,816
that I had to read in my car,
222
00:09:15,916 --> 00:09:18,498
which was your magazine.
223
00:09:18,598 --> 00:09:20,780
- Your centerfolds read
"The Matriarchy Awakens"?
224
00:09:20,880 --> 00:09:22,882
- Also not illiterate.
225
00:09:24,323 --> 00:09:25,985
- Did they like it?
226
00:09:26,085 --> 00:09:28,107
Not that it matters.
I'm just curious if they--
227
00:09:28,207 --> 00:09:30,029
- It blew 'em away.
228
00:09:30,129 --> 00:09:31,430
- It did?
- It did.
229
00:09:31,530 --> 00:09:32,671
It's been three weeks,
and they're still
230
00:09:32,771 --> 00:09:33,792
talking about the articles.
231
00:09:33,892 --> 00:09:35,274
And one of 'em even hit me up
232
00:09:35,374 --> 00:09:36,635
about a raise
because of something
233
00:09:36,735 --> 00:09:38,076
that you wrote
about the pay gap.
234
00:09:38,176 --> 00:09:39,317
- Well--
- I mean, she's not
235
00:09:39,417 --> 00:09:40,719
gonna get it.
236
00:09:40,819 --> 00:09:43,922
Look, I got a lot of readers.
Men.
237
00:09:44,022 --> 00:09:45,643
And they write to me
all the time,
238
00:09:45,743 --> 00:09:48,726
and they say,
"Doug, shit's changing."
239
00:09:48,826 --> 00:09:50,768
You know,
"Chicks are changing."
240
00:09:50,868 --> 00:09:52,129
So I got to figure out,
you know,
241
00:09:52,229 --> 00:09:53,571
what to do with that,
what's next.
242
00:09:53,671 --> 00:09:55,052
And then I started thinking
243
00:09:55,152 --> 00:09:57,334
maybe I got to stop talking
to the men.
244
00:09:57,434 --> 00:10:00,217
Maybe--maybe I should be
talking to the women.
245
00:10:00,317 --> 00:10:01,818
- You want to talk to women?
246
00:10:01,918 --> 00:10:03,140
- Well, there's a lot
of you out there,
247
00:10:03,240 --> 00:10:05,422
and I'd like a piece
of that pie.
248
00:10:05,522 --> 00:10:07,103
- Oh, you're not suggesting
that you publish
249
00:10:07,203 --> 00:10:08,264
"The Matriarchy Awakens."
250
00:10:08,364 --> 00:10:10,226
- [laughing]
Oh, God no.
251
00:10:10,326 --> 00:10:11,788
I mean,
not in its current form.
252
00:10:11,888 --> 00:10:12,909
Hey, don't get me wrong,
it's good.
253
00:10:13,009 --> 00:10:14,390
It's just you got a challenge.
254
00:10:14,490 --> 00:10:16,272
And the tone,
it comes across as shouty.
255
00:10:16,372 --> 00:10:17,593
When I'm reading it,
I feel like
256
00:10:17,693 --> 00:10:18,994
a fucking teacher
is yelling at me.
257
00:10:19,094 --> 00:10:20,436
- Well, who cares
how it makes you feel?
258
00:10:20,536 --> 00:10:21,637
It's supposed
to make people think.
259
00:10:21,737 --> 00:10:23,078
- You got to hide the medicine.
260
00:10:23,178 --> 00:10:25,080
It's like when you give a pill
to a dog,
261
00:10:25,180 --> 00:10:27,442
you dip it
in peanut butter first.
262
00:10:27,542 --> 00:10:30,705
So my question is,
what's our peanut butter?
263
00:10:34,669 --> 00:10:36,651
- I'm sorry, are you waiting--
- It's nude men.
264
00:10:36,751 --> 00:10:38,413
- [laughing]
Did you say nude men?
265
00:10:38,513 --> 00:10:40,174
- Not like a schvantz
right in the face,
266
00:10:40,274 --> 00:10:41,776
you know, classy.
267
00:10:41,876 --> 00:10:43,497
With your modern,
you know, lady point of view.
268
00:10:43,597 --> 00:10:45,059
- Are you mentally ill?
269
00:10:45,159 --> 00:10:47,181
- You're the one
who came up with the idea.
270
00:10:47,281 --> 00:10:49,783
- No--that was
a conversational bon mot.
271
00:10:49,883 --> 00:10:51,264
Do you even understand
272
00:10:51,364 --> 00:10:52,586
what it is I am trying
to do here?
273
00:10:52,686 --> 00:10:54,267
- Of course, I do--feminism.
274
00:10:54,367 --> 00:10:57,590
Making shit fair and equal
for the chicks.
275
00:10:57,690 --> 00:11:00,713
So tell me this,
how is it fair and equal
276
00:11:00,813 --> 00:11:05,238
that a guy has twelve places
to go to see a pair of titties,
277
00:11:05,338 --> 00:11:07,760
but a gal has no place
to go to see a dong?
278
00:11:07,860 --> 00:11:10,002
- Gals do not want
to see a dong.
279
00:11:10,102 --> 00:11:12,124
- Oh, they don't?
Now how do you know?
280
00:11:12,224 --> 00:11:13,846
- Because I am one, so.
- Mm.
281
00:11:13,946 --> 00:11:16,248
Well, would you like
to put money on it?
282
00:11:16,348 --> 00:11:18,370
- What, you mean, like a bet?
- No, honey.
283
00:11:18,470 --> 00:11:20,472
Like a magazine.
284
00:11:22,914 --> 00:11:25,536
- He wants to give you
an office and a staff
285
00:11:25,636 --> 00:11:28,219
and fund your first
three issues?
286
00:11:28,319 --> 00:11:30,421
Didn't you tell me that cost,
like, 50 grand?
287
00:11:30,521 --> 00:11:31,942
- Maybe.
- Joycie!
288
00:11:32,042 --> 00:11:33,344
That's a lot of money.
289
00:11:33,444 --> 00:11:35,386
- Yeah,
but it comes with strings.
290
00:11:35,486 --> 00:11:38,108
You know, big ones wrapped
around peckers.
291
00:11:38,208 --> 00:11:40,430
- Maybe it'll just be
a single, tiny weenus
292
00:11:40,530 --> 00:11:42,232
hidden in the back
of the magazine.
293
00:11:42,332 --> 00:11:44,034
- Why are you trying
to talk me into this?
294
00:11:44,134 --> 00:11:45,275
- You're my baby sister.
295
00:11:45,375 --> 00:11:46,756
I hate to see you
spin your wheels.
296
00:11:46,856 --> 00:11:48,358
You've been at this
for so long.
297
00:11:48,458 --> 00:11:49,999
- Look, I know
it's a good opportunity.
298
00:11:50,099 --> 00:11:51,921
Well, an opportunity.
- The only opportunity.
299
00:11:52,021 --> 00:11:54,083
- Why does it have to come
from this guy?
300
00:11:54,183 --> 00:11:57,726
He's just so wrong.
301
00:11:57,826 --> 00:11:59,688
- Do you think that Lenny had
all of the qualities
302
00:11:59,788 --> 00:12:01,570
I was looking for in a husband?
303
00:12:01,670 --> 00:12:03,532
You know, I wanted someone
who loved to travel,
304
00:12:03,632 --> 00:12:07,135
not someone who gets diarrhea
from looking at Chinese food.
305
00:12:07,235 --> 00:12:09,818
But he takes care of me.
He's a great dad.
306
00:12:09,918 --> 00:12:12,220
No, I didn't get everything
I wanted, you know,
307
00:12:12,320 --> 00:12:14,322
but I'm--I'm happy.
308
00:12:18,326 --> 00:12:21,268
- All right,
even if I wanted to,
309
00:12:21,368 --> 00:12:23,190
do you think
I could pull this off?
310
00:12:23,290 --> 00:12:24,672
The--the nudity?
311
00:12:24,772 --> 00:12:26,033
- Why not?
312
00:12:26,133 --> 00:12:28,195
- 'Cause I'm not
some sexy, cool girl.
313
00:12:28,295 --> 00:12:29,876
I went to Vassar.
- Yeah, and that's what
314
00:12:29,976 --> 00:12:33,320
this guy wants from you,
that Seven Sisters polish...
315
00:12:33,420 --> 00:12:34,921
all over his magazine of knobs.
316
00:12:35,021 --> 00:12:36,242
- Oh, Shelly.
Don't be disgusting.
317
00:12:36,342 --> 00:12:37,804
- What?
You're the pornographer.
318
00:12:37,904 --> 00:12:40,686
You got to get used
to this kind of talk.
319
00:12:40,786 --> 00:12:44,050
[Helen Reddy's
"I Am Woman" plays]
320
00:12:44,150 --> 00:12:47,493
- ♪ I am woman, hear me roar,
in numbers ♪
321
00:12:47,593 --> 00:12:49,935
♪ Too big to ignore ♪
- ♪ Too big to ignore ♪
322
00:12:50,035 --> 00:12:55,140
♪ No one's ever gonna
keep me down again ♪
323
00:12:55,240 --> 00:12:58,143
♪ Oh, yes, I am wise ♪
324
00:12:58,243 --> 00:13:01,546
♪ But it's wisdom
born of pain ♪
325
00:13:01,646 --> 00:13:04,108
♪ Yes, I've paid the price ♪
326
00:13:04,208 --> 00:13:05,470
♪ But look how much ♪
327
00:13:05,570 --> 00:13:06,591
[radio cuts out]
♪ I've gained ♪
328
00:13:06,691 --> 00:13:08,552
♪ If I have to ♪
329
00:13:08,652 --> 00:13:11,835
♪ I can do anything ♪
330
00:13:11,935 --> 00:13:14,118
♪ I am strong, strong ♪
331
00:13:14,218 --> 00:13:17,381
♪ I am invincible, invincible ♪
332
00:13:19,022 --> 00:13:20,403
I'm in Gomorrah.
333
00:13:20,503 --> 00:13:23,406
[groovy music]
334
00:13:23,506 --> 00:13:30,513
♪ ♪
335
00:13:35,277 --> 00:13:37,619
- You need something?
- [stammering]
336
00:13:37,719 --> 00:13:39,061
Good morning.
Hello.
337
00:13:39,161 --> 00:13:42,104
Um, yes, I'm here to see,
um, Doug Renetti.
338
00:13:42,204 --> 00:13:44,826
My name is Joyce--
- Joyce Prigger, is that you?
339
00:13:44,926 --> 00:13:46,788
Hi!
I'm Bambi.
340
00:13:46,888 --> 00:13:47,989
- Hi--
- So good to meet you.
341
00:13:48,089 --> 00:13:49,791
- Hi.
- I model for Doug.
342
00:13:49,891 --> 00:13:51,312
Most recently
in "Bodacious Butts."
343
00:13:51,412 --> 00:13:52,754
I was Miss May, June,
and July.
344
00:13:52,854 --> 00:13:55,316
- Oh--oh, wow.
That's a busy summer.
345
00:13:55,416 --> 00:13:56,877
- Yeah, it was almost too much.
346
00:13:56,977 --> 00:13:58,839
- Oh.
- I'm tired.
347
00:13:58,939 --> 00:14:00,281
Um, can I just say,
348
00:14:00,381 --> 00:14:02,443
thank you so much
for this opportunity?
349
00:14:02,543 --> 00:14:06,206
I mean, to learn from someone
like you is just--
350
00:14:06,306 --> 00:14:07,487
oh, Doug didn't tell you?
351
00:14:07,587 --> 00:14:08,929
I'm working for the magazine.
352
00:14:09,029 --> 00:14:10,090
I'm your new
centerfold coordinator.
353
00:14:10,190 --> 00:14:11,851
- Oh!
- Okay, tour time.
354
00:14:11,951 --> 00:14:13,653
- What is
a centerfold coordinator?
355
00:14:13,753 --> 00:14:16,255
- I don't know, I made it up.
Doesn't it sound fancy?
356
00:14:16,355 --> 00:14:17,897
Okay,
so it's basically just like
357
00:14:17,997 --> 00:14:19,338
any other regular old office.
358
00:14:19,438 --> 00:14:21,620
We have Art Department,
Editorial.
359
00:14:21,720 --> 00:14:23,702
That's Shipping, Accounting.
360
00:14:23,802 --> 00:14:25,824
Ugh.
Ignore Gerry.
361
00:14:25,924 --> 00:14:27,586
He's just mad
Doug pulled the plug
362
00:14:27,686 --> 00:14:29,788
on his magazine idea
to do yours.
363
00:14:29,888 --> 00:14:31,430
- Your accountant created
a magazine?
364
00:14:31,530 --> 00:14:33,191
- Yeah.
You know Doug.
365
00:14:33,291 --> 00:14:36,114
He thinks a zillion-dollar
idea can come from anyone.
366
00:14:36,214 --> 00:14:38,917
This is all
our photo editing and--
367
00:14:39,017 --> 00:14:40,678
- Is he rouging
that woman's breasts?
368
00:14:40,778 --> 00:14:42,440
- Oh, yeah.
369
00:14:42,540 --> 00:14:44,161
Um, nips don't read pink
under hot lights,
370
00:14:44,261 --> 00:14:46,123
so we have to--huh.
371
00:14:46,223 --> 00:14:48,325
Richie, are we gonna have
to put makeup on dicks?
372
00:14:48,425 --> 00:14:50,367
- Mm, one can only hope.
373
00:14:50,467 --> 00:14:52,009
[both laugh]
- That's Richie.
374
00:14:52,109 --> 00:14:53,410
- Oh.
- He's our makeup artist,
375
00:14:53,510 --> 00:14:55,172
but he's gonna
be your photographer,
376
00:14:55,272 --> 00:14:56,853
'cause none of the other guys
want to shoot wieners.
377
00:14:56,953 --> 00:14:58,655
- Don't worry,
I know my way around a camera.
378
00:14:58,755 --> 00:15:00,417
I've been photographing
my lovers throughout the years.
379
00:15:00,517 --> 00:15:02,218
- Oh.
- Ooh, I love this ensemble.
380
00:15:02,318 --> 00:15:04,520
- Oh.
Enchanté.
381
00:15:06,442 --> 00:15:08,444
Morning.
382
00:15:12,768 --> 00:15:14,189
- Doug.
383
00:15:14,289 --> 00:15:15,751
- Hey, look who made it.
384
00:15:15,851 --> 00:15:17,272
You look beat.
Long drive?
385
00:15:17,372 --> 00:15:18,954
How's a cup of coffee?
386
00:15:19,054 --> 00:15:20,515
- A cup of tea would be divine.
387
00:15:20,615 --> 00:15:22,617
- Oh, I'm not the secretary.
I'm just Black.
388
00:15:24,339 --> 00:15:25,960
- I'm so sorry.
It was actually the way
389
00:15:26,060 --> 00:15:27,562
that you were pouring the
waters that I thought that--
390
00:15:27,662 --> 00:15:29,003
- Reminded you of the help
at your tennis club?
391
00:15:29,103 --> 00:15:30,725
- No.
Uh--ah, well,
392
00:15:30,825 --> 00:15:32,406
we are members
of a tennis club,
393
00:15:32,506 --> 00:15:36,931
but the waitstaff there
is mostly Mexican, um--
394
00:15:37,031 --> 00:15:38,732
[both laugh]
395
00:15:38,832 --> 00:15:40,254
- She's fucking with you.
396
00:15:40,354 --> 00:15:42,376
Tina's my secretary
going on ten years.
397
00:15:42,476 --> 00:15:45,218
- Oh, that's very funny.
- Racist.
398
00:15:45,318 --> 00:15:49,422
- All right, fuckers, here's
our timeline, lean and mean.
399
00:15:49,522 --> 00:15:51,224
- A week to produce
a test issue?
400
00:15:51,324 --> 00:15:53,386
That is way too fast.
- Well, we got to boogie
401
00:15:53,486 --> 00:15:54,987
if we want to be the first
out of the gate, right?
402
00:15:55,087 --> 00:15:56,149
- You think
there's a second nude
403
00:15:56,249 --> 00:15:57,670
feminist magazine in the works?
404
00:15:57,770 --> 00:15:59,191
- If there's not now,
there soon will be.
405
00:15:59,291 --> 00:16:01,193
Centerfold ideas, shoot.
What do we got?
406
00:16:01,293 --> 00:16:02,635
Bambi, go ahead.
407
00:16:02,735 --> 00:16:04,316
- Um, I was thinking,
408
00:16:04,416 --> 00:16:06,358
what's the number one thing
women find sexy?
409
00:16:06,458 --> 00:16:08,160
- Intelligence--
- Motorcycles.
410
00:16:08,260 --> 00:16:10,722
Picture this:
tricked out Harley,
411
00:16:10,822 --> 00:16:14,646
big, muscley model with a juicy
boner draped over the throttle.
412
00:16:14,746 --> 00:16:16,007
- Mm.
- What's the caption?
413
00:16:16,107 --> 00:16:17,208
- "Wild Hogs."
- "Greasy Riders."
414
00:16:17,308 --> 00:16:19,610
- Oh.
- Ooh, I got it.
415
00:16:19,710 --> 00:16:21,612
"Rode Hard and Put Away Wet."
416
00:16:21,712 --> 00:16:23,534
- Ooh, yes.
- That's the one.
417
00:16:23,634 --> 00:16:24,895
- Bambi, that's genius.
- That's really good, Bambi--
418
00:16:24,995 --> 00:16:26,337
- Yo--ah--this is just
419
00:16:26,437 --> 00:16:28,058
not quite what I had in mind.
420
00:16:28,158 --> 00:16:30,501
It's a great first try though.
421
00:16:30,601 --> 00:16:32,623
- What's wrong with it?
- It's just, how do motorcycles
422
00:16:32,723 --> 00:16:34,144
relate to feminism?
423
00:16:34,244 --> 00:16:36,947
Are erections consistent
with our philosophy?
424
00:16:37,047 --> 00:16:40,270
If--if our goal is
to level the playing field
425
00:16:40,370 --> 00:16:43,072
between the sexes,
then should our penises
426
00:16:43,172 --> 00:16:44,754
be ready to assault?
427
00:16:44,854 --> 00:16:47,556
Or--or should they be
approachable and unassuming,
428
00:16:47,656 --> 00:16:52,001
draped gently on a thigh,
tucked away, under a throw?
429
00:16:52,101 --> 00:16:54,443
- I think you're missing
the point of a centerfold.
430
00:16:54,543 --> 00:16:56,245
No one cares about philosophy.
431
00:16:56,345 --> 00:16:59,688
The only question that matters
is, does it turn you on?
432
00:16:59,788 --> 00:17:01,850
- That is a question
for the ages,
433
00:17:01,950 --> 00:17:03,451
which we could debate
for months.
434
00:17:03,551 --> 00:17:05,533
- Well, we wouldn't want
to do that, now would we?
435
00:17:05,633 --> 00:17:08,376
- Well, we wouldn't want
to rush into things either.
436
00:17:08,476 --> 00:17:09,537
You know,
we should give this magazine
437
00:17:09,637 --> 00:17:10,978
the thought it deserves.
438
00:17:11,078 --> 00:17:11,979
- And I think we are.
- Some highly
439
00:17:12,079 --> 00:17:13,381
recommended reading,
440
00:17:13,481 --> 00:17:15,102
"Lady Chatterley's Lover,"
441
00:17:15,202 --> 00:17:17,504
and then we have
the "Kinsey Report,"
442
00:17:17,604 --> 00:17:19,506
Volumes 1 and 2.
443
00:17:19,606 --> 00:17:22,949
And last summer's bestseller,
"Our Bodies, Ourselves."
444
00:17:23,049 --> 00:17:27,654
There is an eye-opening
section on vulvas, page 93.
445
00:17:30,136 --> 00:17:31,557
- Great.
446
00:17:31,657 --> 00:17:35,321
[rock music playing softly]
447
00:17:35,421 --> 00:17:38,404
- You sure about this one?
She seems a little brainy.
448
00:17:38,504 --> 00:17:40,326
- Yeah,
I think that's the point.
449
00:17:40,426 --> 00:17:42,488
Unless you want to be selling
under-the-counter mags
450
00:17:42,588 --> 00:17:44,249
for the rest of your life.
451
00:17:44,349 --> 00:17:47,372
- Got us this far.
452
00:17:47,472 --> 00:17:49,454
- Yeah, but you were happy
selling magazines
453
00:17:49,554 --> 00:17:51,616
out of the trunk of my car.
454
00:17:51,716 --> 00:17:53,718
- You were pretty happy
then too.
455
00:17:55,960 --> 00:17:57,301
- This is gonna be great
for us.
456
00:17:57,401 --> 00:17:59,263
You'll see.
We just got to get Joyce
457
00:17:59,363 --> 00:18:01,065
out of her own head.
458
00:18:01,165 --> 00:18:03,788
- ♪ Late night mama ♪
459
00:18:03,888 --> 00:18:06,750
♪ She likes to get it on ♪
460
00:18:06,850 --> 00:18:08,552
♪ Yeah ♪
461
00:18:08,652 --> 00:18:12,636
♪ And she's my
late night mama ♪
462
00:18:12,736 --> 00:18:15,378
♪ She likes to get it on ♪
463
00:18:17,460 --> 00:18:21,564
♪ Oh, she's my
late night mama ♪
464
00:18:21,664 --> 00:18:24,307
♪ She likes to get it on ♪
465
00:18:25,868 --> 00:18:28,370
- Who are those guys?
- Models--potential models.
466
00:18:28,470 --> 00:18:31,453
- We agreed to take our time.
- Yeah--we've got momentum.
467
00:18:31,553 --> 00:18:33,295
You do not stand in front
of a moving train.
468
00:18:33,395 --> 00:18:35,937
- I have ideas
for big, splashy stories.
469
00:18:36,037 --> 00:18:37,619
Okay, um--
- Okay.
470
00:18:37,719 --> 00:18:39,701
- I--I could go undercover
at an abortion clinic,
471
00:18:39,801 --> 00:18:41,663
and I could take
firsthand accounts of rape.
472
00:18:41,763 --> 00:18:43,865
- You could also walk up
and down Sunset Boulevard,
473
00:18:43,965 --> 00:18:46,427
shouting our idea into the
windows of other publishers.
474
00:18:46,527 --> 00:18:48,309
- What is this obsession
you have with getting scooped?
475
00:18:48,409 --> 00:18:50,951
- Has farting up your own ass
gotten you anywhere in life?
476
00:18:51,051 --> 00:18:53,053
- Apparently not.
477
00:18:55,976 --> 00:18:59,079
- Okay.
Joyce, please,
478
00:18:59,179 --> 00:19:01,401
just give me a couple of days.
479
00:19:01,501 --> 00:19:04,144
That's all I ask.
Just try it my way.
480
00:19:06,426 --> 00:19:07,847
- [barely audible]
Okay.
481
00:19:07,947 --> 00:19:11,250
"Electric flesh-arrows
traversing the body.
482
00:19:11,350 --> 00:19:14,493
"A rainbow of color
strikes the eyelids.
483
00:19:14,593 --> 00:19:18,177
It is the gong of orgasm."
484
00:19:18,277 --> 00:19:20,379
- Hey.
We're looking for models
485
00:19:20,479 --> 00:19:22,341
for a male nude magazine.
486
00:19:22,441 --> 00:19:24,343
You'll be--
487
00:19:24,443 --> 00:19:26,224
you'll be butt-ass naked,
that means your dick.
488
00:19:26,324 --> 00:19:29,467
If you got a problem with it,
the door's right there.
489
00:19:29,567 --> 00:19:30,869
- Let's do it.
- Great.
490
00:19:30,969 --> 00:19:33,331
- Okay.
Go ahead.
491
00:19:38,456 --> 00:19:40,457
- Uh--um, uh--
492
00:19:41,979 --> 00:19:44,481
Does this not feel
predatory to you?
493
00:19:44,581 --> 00:19:47,124
I mean,
why do we have to see...
494
00:19:47,224 --> 00:19:48,565
the thing
before the photoshoot?
495
00:19:48,665 --> 00:19:50,087
I'm sure it's lovely,
you know--well,
496
00:19:50,187 --> 00:19:51,568
I mean, as lovely
as they get, right?
497
00:19:51,668 --> 00:19:53,810
They are all
basically the same, so.
498
00:19:53,910 --> 00:19:55,452
- Not all wieners
are the same, babes.
499
00:19:55,552 --> 00:19:58,775
There's shorties, fatties,
long ones, flatties.
500
00:19:58,875 --> 00:20:01,137
- Playful, shy, jaded, bored.
501
00:20:01,237 --> 00:20:03,219
- You have seen a dick before?
- Of course I've seen dicks.
502
00:20:03,319 --> 00:20:05,321
I've seen so many dicks.
503
00:20:06,842 --> 00:20:09,705
I've seen two and a half.
504
00:20:09,805 --> 00:20:11,386
In very dim lighting.
505
00:20:11,486 --> 00:20:13,488
- Oh, wow.
506
00:20:14,129 --> 00:20:16,131
- Panties off.
507
00:20:20,535 --> 00:20:22,277
- Oh.
- Oh!
508
00:20:22,377 --> 00:20:23,998
A short fatty.
- That's a fun combo.
509
00:20:24,098 --> 00:20:27,281
[Jean Knight's
"Mr. Big Stuff"]
510
00:20:27,381 --> 00:20:28,843
♪ ♪
511
00:20:28,943 --> 00:20:31,886
- ♪ Mr. Big Stuff ♪
512
00:20:31,986 --> 00:20:34,128
♪ Who do you think you are? ♪
513
00:20:34,228 --> 00:20:36,890
♪ Mr. Big Stuff ♪
514
00:20:36,990 --> 00:20:39,012
♪ You're never
gonna get my love ♪
515
00:20:39,112 --> 00:20:40,854
- [gasps softly]
- Ooh.
516
00:20:40,954 --> 00:20:42,175
- ♪ Not because you wear ♪
517
00:20:42,275 --> 00:20:43,937
♪ All those fancy clothes ♪
518
00:20:44,037 --> 00:20:45,058
- ♪ Oh, yeah ♪
519
00:20:45,158 --> 00:20:46,779
- Oh.
- Great.
520
00:20:46,879 --> 00:20:49,382
- ♪ Oh, yes, you do now ♪
521
00:20:49,482 --> 00:20:52,345
♪ Do you think
I can't afford ♪
522
00:20:52,445 --> 00:20:54,386
♪ To give you my love ♪
523
00:20:54,486 --> 00:20:57,069
- ♪ Oh, yeah ♪
- ♪ You think you're higher ♪
524
00:20:57,169 --> 00:21:00,072
♪ Than every star above ♪
525
00:21:00,172 --> 00:21:01,273
- I like him.
526
00:21:01,373 --> 00:21:02,714
- ♪ Tell me ♪
527
00:21:02,814 --> 00:21:05,076
♪ Who do you think you are? ♪
528
00:21:05,176 --> 00:21:07,839
♪ Mr. Big Stuff ♪
529
00:21:07,939 --> 00:21:09,921
♪ You're never
gonna get my love ♪
530
00:21:10,021 --> 00:21:12,884
♪ Mr. Big Stuff ♪
531
00:21:12,984 --> 00:21:14,565
♪ You're never
gonna make me cry ♪
532
00:21:14,665 --> 00:21:16,167
- I don't know, I think--
I mean,
533
00:21:16,267 --> 00:21:17,448
what'd you guys think
of this one, right?
534
00:21:17,548 --> 00:21:19,089
- Oh, I loved him.
- Oh, he's cute.
535
00:21:19,189 --> 00:21:20,451
And he's a real sweetheart too.
- Yeah.
536
00:21:20,551 --> 00:21:22,012
- Right?
- He was an adorable idiot.
537
00:21:22,112 --> 00:21:24,334
He was like a Golden Retriever
in human form.
538
00:21:24,434 --> 00:21:25,736
- Are you always this picky?
539
00:21:25,836 --> 00:21:27,417
- Look, whomever
we choose is gonna have
540
00:21:27,517 --> 00:21:29,699
to sell the philosophy
behind the magazine, okay?
541
00:21:29,799 --> 00:21:31,381
If he's not an intellectual,
542
00:21:31,481 --> 00:21:33,503
then how are we any different
than "Milky Moms"?
543
00:21:33,603 --> 00:21:35,605
- Joyce, I hate to--
[knocking]
544
00:21:36,966 --> 00:21:39,188
- Sorry, I read the time wrong.
545
00:21:39,288 --> 00:21:42,351
I thought you guys
started at 12:00 a.m.
546
00:21:42,451 --> 00:21:44,874
- What audition starts
at midnight?
547
00:21:44,974 --> 00:21:46,595
- Rats.
548
00:21:46,695 --> 00:21:48,477
I'm always getting my a.m.s
and my p.m.s confused.
549
00:21:48,577 --> 00:21:50,519
- Oh.
- Wasting no time.
550
00:21:50,619 --> 00:21:52,120
- Did you strip down
in our hall?
551
00:21:52,220 --> 00:21:53,642
- The receptionist told me to.
552
00:21:53,742 --> 00:21:55,243
Did I do something wrong?
553
00:21:55,343 --> 00:21:57,085
- Not cool, Rita.
- Aw, that's happened
554
00:21:57,185 --> 00:21:58,366
to me a million times.
555
00:21:58,466 --> 00:22:00,668
- So tell us about yourself.
556
00:22:02,430 --> 00:22:05,212
- I'm Shane.
557
00:22:05,312 --> 00:22:07,314
I'm a fireman.
558
00:22:13,000 --> 00:22:15,022
- Is that it?
559
00:22:15,122 --> 00:22:18,865
- Um, I grew up in Malibu.
560
00:22:18,965 --> 00:22:22,709
Played football for Pali.
Go Dolphins!
561
00:22:22,809 --> 00:22:25,611
- All right, well, thank you.
We will call you.
562
00:22:27,053 --> 00:22:28,754
Oh.
- Oh, shit.
563
00:22:28,854 --> 00:22:30,276
- Everyone stay calm.
564
00:22:30,376 --> 00:22:32,238
The shaking you're feeling
is an earthquake.
565
00:22:32,338 --> 00:22:34,400
- Yes, thank you.
We know what an earthquake is.
566
00:22:34,500 --> 00:22:36,241
[electricity sparking]
We live in Los Angeles.
567
00:22:36,341 --> 00:22:37,362
Whoa--ah!
568
00:22:37,462 --> 00:22:39,464
- [grunts]
- [gasps]
569
00:22:46,271 --> 00:22:48,453
- Are you okay, ma'am?
570
00:22:48,553 --> 00:22:50,294
- Yeah.
571
00:22:50,394 --> 00:22:52,176
Yeah, um,
572
00:22:52,276 --> 00:22:54,258
I'm fine.
573
00:22:54,358 --> 00:22:55,780
Thank you.
574
00:22:55,880 --> 00:22:57,621
- Just doing my job.
575
00:22:57,721 --> 00:22:59,583
- [chuckles]
576
00:22:59,683 --> 00:23:01,625
- Maybe we should
stay here just a second,
577
00:23:01,725 --> 00:23:03,667
in case
there's any aftershocks.
578
00:23:03,767 --> 00:23:05,589
- Okay.
579
00:23:05,689 --> 00:23:07,691
That's fine.
580
00:23:08,531 --> 00:23:11,875
- ♪ Joyce has a boyfriend,
Joyce has a boyfriend ♪
581
00:23:11,975 --> 00:23:14,597
- He loves you.
He wants to put babies in you.
582
00:23:14,697 --> 00:23:16,159
[laughter]
- Oh, yeah.
583
00:23:16,259 --> 00:23:17,720
- Vassar's gonna ball
our first centerfold.
584
00:23:17,820 --> 00:23:19,602
- I never said
he was our centerfold.
585
00:23:19,702 --> 00:23:21,323
- You're a white bitch.
586
00:23:21,423 --> 00:23:23,205
We want white bitch readers
because they have money.
587
00:23:23,305 --> 00:23:24,526
- Mm.
- If you want to fuck him,
588
00:23:24,626 --> 00:23:25,768
the other
white bitches will too.
589
00:23:25,868 --> 00:23:27,529
- I never said
I want to F him--
590
00:23:27,629 --> 00:23:29,011
- Ah, you just about
creamed my couch.
591
00:23:29,111 --> 00:23:30,732
- Oh, come on!
[laughter]
592
00:23:30,832 --> 00:23:32,894
- The "Kinsey Reports" says
that a woman's vagina
593
00:23:32,994 --> 00:23:34,776
doubles in length
when she's horny.
594
00:23:34,876 --> 00:23:36,898
Ha!
It's called "vaginal tenting".
595
00:23:36,998 --> 00:23:38,900
- Bambi, no.
- Okay, I may have
596
00:23:39,000 --> 00:23:41,422
found him desirable, yes,
but it's not my fault.
597
00:23:41,522 --> 00:23:45,346
Evolution has conditioned women
to be attracted to rescuers.
598
00:23:45,446 --> 00:23:47,067
It's up to us to overcome
our animal desires--
599
00:23:47,167 --> 00:23:49,390
- Someone please stop her.
That is no fun.
600
00:23:49,490 --> 00:23:51,431
- Well, maybe I'm no fun then.
- You are.
601
00:23:51,531 --> 00:23:53,233
You're just scared
of that part of yourself,
602
00:23:53,333 --> 00:23:55,235
'cause you think
it makes you seem weak.
603
00:23:55,335 --> 00:23:57,397
You know, you can be
more than one thing.
604
00:23:57,497 --> 00:24:00,400
- Uh, maybe for a guy.
Women cannot lose focus.
605
00:24:00,500 --> 00:24:01,561
- All right, maybe.
Either way,
606
00:24:01,661 --> 00:24:03,443
it's a good idea for a story.
607
00:24:03,543 --> 00:24:05,845
- Mm, that is a good idea.
Did you just come up with that?
608
00:24:05,945 --> 00:24:07,366
- I guess I'm more
than one thing too.
609
00:24:07,466 --> 00:24:08,647
How's that?
610
00:24:08,747 --> 00:24:10,689
- Let's drink.
- Fireman!
611
00:24:10,789 --> 00:24:14,693
all: [chanting]
Fireman! Fireman! Fireman!
612
00:24:14,793 --> 00:24:15,694
- Whoo!
613
00:24:15,794 --> 00:24:18,697
[rock music plays]
614
00:24:18,797 --> 00:24:20,799
[both laughing]
615
00:24:23,802 --> 00:24:26,204
- Okay, bye.
- Bye!
616
00:24:30,167 --> 00:24:32,990
- 7:00 a.m.
Wow.
617
00:24:33,090 --> 00:24:34,832
- Can I help you
with something?
618
00:24:34,932 --> 00:24:36,393
- Yeah, I was just dropping off
some of your stuff
619
00:24:36,493 --> 00:24:37,915
that you left at my place.
620
00:24:38,015 --> 00:24:40,197
Thought you'd be getting ready
for work by now.
621
00:24:40,297 --> 00:24:42,719
- Took some time off.
- Did you?
622
00:24:42,819 --> 00:24:45,001
- I am developing
"The Matriarchy Awakens"
623
00:24:45,101 --> 00:24:47,123
with a prominent publisher.
624
00:24:47,223 --> 00:24:49,045
- [scoffs]
All those nights,
625
00:24:49,145 --> 00:24:51,567
working away in your room
and for what?
626
00:24:51,667 --> 00:24:54,010
So you could be
the porn queen of Pasadena?
627
00:24:54,110 --> 00:24:55,131
- How do you know about--
- How do I know?
628
00:24:55,231 --> 00:24:56,532
Everybody's gonna know, Joyce.
629
00:24:56,632 --> 00:24:57,893
This isn't a secret
you can keep.
630
00:24:57,993 --> 00:24:59,255
This is low.
- Anyway, it's just--
631
00:24:59,355 --> 00:25:00,936
it's a small part
of the magazine, so.
632
00:25:01,036 --> 00:25:03,619
- Do you know the story
of McGregor?
633
00:25:03,719 --> 00:25:05,260
- Who?
- A drunk starts talking
634
00:25:05,360 --> 00:25:07,222
to a tourist in a Scottish pub.
635
00:25:07,322 --> 00:25:09,865
He says, "Do you see
that dock over there?
636
00:25:09,965 --> 00:25:12,467
"I built it myself,
stone by stone.
637
00:25:12,567 --> 00:25:14,829
"But do they call me
McGregor the dock builder?
638
00:25:14,929 --> 00:25:17,191
"No.
You see that bridge over there?
639
00:25:17,291 --> 00:25:18,873
"I built that too.
640
00:25:18,973 --> 00:25:21,315
"But do they call me
McGregor the bridge builder?
641
00:25:21,415 --> 00:25:24,038
"No.
642
00:25:24,138 --> 00:25:26,560
But you fuck one sheep--"
643
00:25:26,660 --> 00:25:28,122
- You're a real jerk,
you know that?
644
00:25:28,222 --> 00:25:30,223
- And you're a sellout.
645
00:25:31,545 --> 00:25:33,006
Good luck with the magazine.
646
00:25:33,106 --> 00:25:35,248
[rock music]
647
00:25:35,348 --> 00:25:37,050
- Compromising your vision.
648
00:25:37,150 --> 00:25:38,892
It gets a bad rap,
649
00:25:38,992 --> 00:25:40,933
but should it?
650
00:25:41,033 --> 00:25:41,974
You know, I say--
651
00:25:42,074 --> 00:25:44,076
ow!
652
00:25:46,198 --> 00:25:47,099
Gloria?
653
00:25:47,199 --> 00:25:48,340
- Compromise is for those
654
00:25:48,440 --> 00:25:49,702
who lack the will to fight.
655
00:25:49,802 --> 00:25:52,104
You've made a mockery
of us all.
656
00:25:52,204 --> 00:25:55,427
[crowd yelling]
657
00:25:55,527 --> 00:25:58,530
[phone ringing]
658
00:26:03,374 --> 00:26:04,475
- Hello?
- Babes!
659
00:26:04,575 --> 00:26:05,596
We've been calling all day.
660
00:26:05,696 --> 00:26:06,798
The photoshoot's a go.
661
00:26:06,898 --> 00:26:08,899
We start at 6:00.
662
00:26:15,666 --> 00:26:17,768
- Who plans a photoshoot
in one day?
663
00:26:17,868 --> 00:26:19,089
- We do.
664
00:26:19,189 --> 00:26:20,691
Don't you think it looks great?
665
00:26:20,791 --> 00:26:22,092
Hey, Richie,
how 'bout a little tighter?
666
00:26:22,192 --> 00:26:24,194
- Yeah, okay.
667
00:26:25,115 --> 00:26:27,937
- This is cheesy.
And--
668
00:26:28,037 --> 00:26:29,499
I'm sorry,
this is just embarrassing.
669
00:26:29,599 --> 00:26:31,701
And it's--this--
it's completely meaningless.
670
00:26:31,801 --> 00:26:33,502
We're supposed to be
saying something here.
671
00:26:33,602 --> 00:26:35,905
- Okay, Joyce, come on.
Take a minute and enjoy this.
672
00:26:36,005 --> 00:26:37,626
Look at all these people
working hard
673
00:26:37,726 --> 00:26:39,748
to make your dream come true.
674
00:26:39,848 --> 00:26:41,310
- You think this is my dream?
675
00:26:41,410 --> 00:26:44,473
My dream is a pot
of delicious, healthy soup,
676
00:26:44,573 --> 00:26:46,515
and what you're doing is adding
a tiny little piece of shit
677
00:26:46,615 --> 00:26:48,837
to it and stirring it in,
hoping no one's gonna notice.
678
00:26:48,937 --> 00:26:50,238
- Oh, is that right?
- This is not just
679
00:26:50,338 --> 00:26:52,000
some piece of business
for me, okay?
680
00:26:52,100 --> 00:26:54,122
This is my life's work.
Why should I have
681
00:26:54,222 --> 00:26:55,363
to compromise that
for someone else?
682
00:26:55,463 --> 00:26:57,325
- Because grow the fuck up.
683
00:26:57,425 --> 00:26:58,606
That's why.
684
00:26:58,706 --> 00:26:59,927
You think
you're doing me a favor?
685
00:27:00,027 --> 00:27:01,769
I'm a goddamn success story.
686
00:27:01,869 --> 00:27:04,371
I'm the American Dream,
and I'm sorry to tell you this,
687
00:27:04,471 --> 00:27:07,334
Joyce, but maybe
your magazine isn't as good
688
00:27:07,434 --> 00:27:09,096
as you think it is--yet.
689
00:27:09,196 --> 00:27:10,257
- Who are you
to determine that?
690
00:27:10,357 --> 00:27:12,359
- I'm the money.
691
00:27:14,040 --> 00:27:16,042
- Yeah, well,
your money costs too much.
692
00:27:17,523 --> 00:27:19,185
- Well, that's too bad,
'cause I'm the only one
693
00:27:19,285 --> 00:27:21,287
who sees what you can do.
694
00:27:25,130 --> 00:27:29,495
- Guys, am I draping my penis
over the fire pole or--
695
00:27:31,376 --> 00:27:33,038
What?
696
00:27:33,138 --> 00:27:36,041
[rock music]
697
00:27:36,141 --> 00:27:38,523
♪ ♪
698
00:27:38,623 --> 00:27:39,884
- Hey, sexy lady.
699
00:27:39,984 --> 00:27:41,846
- Fuck you!
700
00:27:41,946 --> 00:27:44,028
- That's the idea.
701
00:27:55,839 --> 00:27:58,702
[door opens]
- Yoo-hoo.
702
00:27:58,802 --> 00:28:02,465
I stole the kids' baskets and
blamed it on the Easter Devil.
703
00:28:02,565 --> 00:28:03,987
That's a new character
I created.
704
00:28:04,087 --> 00:28:05,869
You're not the only artist
in the family.
705
00:28:05,969 --> 00:28:06,990
- Hmm.
- Here,
706
00:28:07,090 --> 00:28:08,471
chocolate makes it better.
707
00:28:08,571 --> 00:28:10,573
- No, I'm fine.
- Hmm.
708
00:28:14,016 --> 00:28:15,197
Why aren't you answering
my calls?
709
00:28:15,297 --> 00:28:16,799
It's been weeks.
710
00:28:16,899 --> 00:28:19,201
- 'Cause I've been busy
rethinking my life.
711
00:28:19,301 --> 00:28:21,323
- Mm, and have you been
to a newsstand recently?
712
00:28:21,423 --> 00:28:22,804
You know, a research trip?
713
00:28:22,904 --> 00:28:24,126
- Nope.
I'm done with all that.
714
00:28:24,226 --> 00:28:25,447
I'm gonna do what Glenn does.
715
00:28:25,547 --> 00:28:27,008
Sit tight at "Teen Queen,"
716
00:28:27,108 --> 00:28:28,810
write about eyeliner,
get promoted.
717
00:28:28,910 --> 00:28:30,091
- Okay, well, if you--
- Look, Shell,
718
00:28:30,191 --> 00:28:31,572
I know that you want this
for me,
719
00:28:31,672 --> 00:28:33,494
but I would rather
never publish a magazine
720
00:28:33,594 --> 00:28:35,336
than capitulate
to someone's bad idea.
721
00:28:35,436 --> 00:28:37,338
- Well,
what if it isn't a bad idea?
722
00:28:37,438 --> 00:28:39,420
- Uh, a magazine full
of naked men?
723
00:28:39,520 --> 00:28:42,663
It is deeply,
inescapably just silly.
724
00:28:42,763 --> 00:28:45,425
- Will you look
in your Easter basket already?
725
00:28:45,525 --> 00:28:47,187
Yes.
Yeah.
726
00:28:47,287 --> 00:28:49,289
Open it up.
I bookmarked the page.
727
00:28:50,690 --> 00:28:53,113
- "At last,
a male nude centerfold."
728
00:28:53,213 --> 00:28:56,095
- It's television star
Burt Reynolds.
729
00:28:59,979 --> 00:29:02,802
- People like this?
- Joycie, it's a sensation.
730
00:29:02,902 --> 00:29:05,484
[Lee Michaels'
"Do You Know What I Mean"]
731
00:29:05,584 --> 00:29:07,246
♪ ♪
732
00:29:07,346 --> 00:29:12,170
- ♪ Been 40 days
since I don't know when ♪
733
00:29:12,270 --> 00:29:15,533
♪ I just saw her
with my best friend ♪
734
00:29:15,633 --> 00:29:19,057
♪ Do you know what I mean? ♪
735
00:29:19,157 --> 00:29:21,979
♪ Do you know,
know what I mean? ♪
736
00:29:22,079 --> 00:29:23,621
- I am never gonna be able
to look at him the same.
737
00:29:23,721 --> 00:29:25,383
[all laughing]
738
00:29:25,483 --> 00:29:26,824
Joyce, come look at this.
739
00:29:26,924 --> 00:29:29,827
- It's just a body.
740
00:29:29,927 --> 00:29:31,869
- What you looking at, gals?
741
00:29:31,969 --> 00:29:35,032
- You should do this
for your girlfriend, Cory.
742
00:29:35,132 --> 00:29:36,873
Get her good and hot.
743
00:29:36,973 --> 00:29:38,875
[all laugh]
744
00:29:38,975 --> 00:29:40,997
- That's inappropriate
for the workplace.
745
00:29:41,097 --> 00:29:43,139
[laughter]
746
00:29:47,423 --> 00:29:49,125
- Would you welcome
Burt Reynolds.
747
00:29:49,225 --> 00:29:50,486
- Hey, hey!
748
00:29:50,586 --> 00:29:53,629
[cheers and applause]
749
00:29:55,150 --> 00:29:56,972
Hi, John.
- Hello, Burt.
750
00:29:57,072 --> 00:29:59,494
I didn't recognize you
standing up.
751
00:29:59,594 --> 00:30:01,596
[laughter]
752
00:30:13,167 --> 00:30:16,951
- ♪ Ooh!
Help me ♪
753
00:30:17,051 --> 00:30:23,657
♪ ♪
754
00:30:38,110 --> 00:30:39,892
- "Cat-Tastic."
755
00:30:39,992 --> 00:30:43,215
- Your street is lovely.
It's not where I pictured you.
756
00:30:43,315 --> 00:30:45,217
- Yeah, I always wanted
to live in a place like this
757
00:30:45,317 --> 00:30:47,439
when I was a kid, so now I do.
758
00:30:49,441 --> 00:30:50,942
- I, uh, assume
you've seen "Cosmo"?
759
00:30:51,042 --> 00:30:53,204
- The whole country's
seen "Cosmo."
760
00:30:56,007 --> 00:30:57,468
- It was a cheat.
761
00:30:57,568 --> 00:30:58,710
He was barely even naked,
762
00:30:58,810 --> 00:31:00,071
and women went crazy for it,
763
00:31:00,171 --> 00:31:01,873
just like you said they would.
764
00:31:01,973 --> 00:31:03,594
- Yep.
765
00:31:03,694 --> 00:31:05,716
- And it made me think
766
00:31:05,816 --> 00:31:10,441
that maybe we should give
this magazine another shot.
767
00:31:10,541 --> 00:31:13,083
I know that male erotica
is in the zeitgeist now,
768
00:31:13,183 --> 00:31:14,284
but we're still ahead
of the curve.
769
00:31:14,384 --> 00:31:15,285
We could be on the newsstands
770
00:31:15,385 --> 00:31:16,446
before anyone else.
771
00:31:16,546 --> 00:31:17,807
- Yeah.
You know, Joyce,
772
00:31:17,907 --> 00:31:20,450
here's the thing.
773
00:31:20,550 --> 00:31:22,492
I go to any one
of my magazines,
774
00:31:22,592 --> 00:31:25,334
and, well, people are dying
to hear what I have to say,
775
00:31:25,434 --> 00:31:29,098
but you act like I'm
some sort of a fucking clown
776
00:31:29,198 --> 00:31:31,540
until some fancy
Manhattan editor
777
00:31:31,640 --> 00:31:34,063
throws old Burt Reynolds
on a bearskin rug,
778
00:31:34,163 --> 00:31:37,766
and then I get
your stamp of approval, huh?
779
00:31:39,327 --> 00:31:42,230
- This magazine has been
a part of me for a long time,
780
00:31:42,330 --> 00:31:44,072
and I didn't realize
how hard it was gonna be
781
00:31:44,172 --> 00:31:45,593
to let it go out into the world
782
00:31:45,693 --> 00:31:49,157
and become this living,
breathing thing.
783
00:31:49,257 --> 00:31:52,320
I thought you were a tacky
salesman with a cheap gimmick.
784
00:31:52,420 --> 00:31:54,762
And you kind of are,
785
00:31:54,862 --> 00:31:58,285
but you do know something
that I'm just figuring out.
786
00:31:58,385 --> 00:32:01,608
That a magazine has--it's got
to make you feel something,
787
00:32:01,708 --> 00:32:04,251
and seeing a naked guy
does that to women,
788
00:32:04,351 --> 00:32:06,693
whether they are curious
or turned on
789
00:32:06,793 --> 00:32:08,094
or just want to laugh at him,
790
00:32:08,194 --> 00:32:10,176
it's the ability to look
791
00:32:10,276 --> 00:32:13,179
makes a woman feel powerful.
792
00:32:13,279 --> 00:32:15,601
That's what our magazine
is all about.
793
00:32:17,123 --> 00:32:20,145
Or, you know, it could be if...
794
00:32:20,245 --> 00:32:22,448
you give me one more chance.
795
00:32:25,090 --> 00:32:27,873
- I don't know, Joyce.
I'll have to, uh--
796
00:32:27,973 --> 00:32:30,675
I'll have to think about it.
797
00:32:30,775 --> 00:32:34,599
- All right, well, don't fart
up your ass for too long, Doug.
798
00:32:34,699 --> 00:32:37,902
I have a killer idea
for a centerfold.
799
00:32:39,744 --> 00:32:41,686
[women catcalling]
- Oh, yes.
800
00:32:41,786 --> 00:32:43,447
That's hot stuff right there.
801
00:32:43,547 --> 00:32:45,129
- Okay, ladies, I'm bored.
Give me more.
802
00:32:45,229 --> 00:32:47,051
Be dirty.
- Look over here, baby!
803
00:32:47,151 --> 00:32:49,533
- Hey!
Show us your dick!
804
00:32:49,633 --> 00:32:51,935
- Jeez.
Being a woman's intense.
805
00:32:52,035 --> 00:32:54,698
- Yeah!
- Give it to us.
806
00:32:54,798 --> 00:32:57,380
- Not bad, Joyce.
807
00:32:57,480 --> 00:33:00,183
- You know, I got to hand it
to you with this centerfold.
808
00:33:00,283 --> 00:33:02,105
You pulled a rabbit
out of a hat.
809
00:33:02,205 --> 00:33:04,747
- Thank you.
- You've come a long way fast.
810
00:33:04,847 --> 00:33:06,509
- Well,
811
00:33:06,609 --> 00:33:10,552
"Life shrinks or expands
in proportion to one's courage.
812
00:33:10,652 --> 00:33:14,476
Life is--"
- "Is a process of becoming."
813
00:33:14,576 --> 00:33:15,998
- You read the books?
814
00:33:16,098 --> 00:33:17,999
- You asked me to, so what?
I liked 'em.
815
00:33:18,099 --> 00:33:20,322
She's got a way with words,
that Anais Nin.
816
00:33:20,422 --> 00:33:22,884
- It's pronounced "Anays Neen."
817
00:33:22,984 --> 00:33:25,767
- Are you kidding me right now?
818
00:33:25,867 --> 00:33:28,769
- I don't know why I do it.
- Okay.
819
00:33:28,869 --> 00:33:31,012
All right, Joyce, big question.
- Yeah.
820
00:33:31,112 --> 00:33:32,893
- What are we gonna do
about a title?
821
00:33:32,993 --> 00:33:34,855
- What, of the magazine?
Nothing.
822
00:33:34,955 --> 00:33:36,457
What's wrong with
"The Matriarchy Awakens"?
823
00:33:36,557 --> 00:33:37,778
- It's poon poison.
- Gross.
824
00:33:37,878 --> 00:33:40,500
- Chicks hear it,
they dry right up.
825
00:33:40,600 --> 00:33:42,502
What we need
826
00:33:42,602 --> 00:33:46,506
is a wet pussy title.
827
00:33:46,606 --> 00:33:48,748
- A wet pussy title?
828
00:33:48,848 --> 00:33:51,751
[Shocking Blue's "Venus"]
829
00:33:51,851 --> 00:33:53,432
♪ ♪
830
00:33:53,532 --> 00:33:56,996
- ♪ A goddess
on a mountain top ♪
831
00:33:57,096 --> 00:34:00,679
♪ Was burning
like a silver flame ♪
832
00:34:00,779 --> 00:34:04,403
♪ The summit
of beauty and love ♪
833
00:34:04,503 --> 00:34:08,406
♪ And Venus was her name ♪
834
00:34:08,506 --> 00:34:10,608
♪ She's got it ♪
835
00:34:10,708 --> 00:34:13,671
♪ Yeah, baby, she's got it ♪
836
00:34:15,553 --> 00:34:19,136
♪ Well, I'm your Venus,
I'm your fire ♪
837
00:34:19,236 --> 00:34:21,358
♪ At your desire ♪
838
00:34:23,040 --> 00:34:26,543
♪ Well, I'm your Venus,
I'm your fire ♪
839
00:34:26,643 --> 00:34:30,787
♪ At your desire ♪
840
00:34:30,887 --> 00:34:33,950
[guitar solo]
841
00:34:34,050 --> 00:34:41,057
♪ ♪
842
00:34:45,301 --> 00:34:49,084
♪ Her weapons were
her crystal eyes ♪
843
00:34:49,184 --> 00:34:52,808
♪ Making every man mad ♪
844
00:34:52,908 --> 00:34:55,851
♪ Black as the dark night
she was ♪
845
00:34:55,951 --> 00:34:59,974
♪ Got what no one else had,
wow ♪
846
00:35:00,074 --> 00:35:02,497
♪ She's got it ♪
847
00:35:02,597 --> 00:35:05,640
♪ Yeah, baby, she's got it ♪
848
00:35:07,321 --> 00:35:10,945
♪ Well, I'm your Venus,
I'm your fire ♪
849
00:35:11,045 --> 00:35:13,127
♪ At your desire ♪
850
00:35:14,728 --> 00:35:18,352
♪ Well, I'm your Venus,
I'm your fire ♪
851
00:35:18,452 --> 00:35:20,533
♪ At your desire ♪
58806
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