All language subtitles for A New Leaf (1971) Walter Matthau, Elaine May & Jack Weston (BR).ENG.B

Did I say she was primitive?
I retract that. She's feral.

I've never spent a more physically
destructive evening in my life.

I am nauseated. I limp.

And I can feel my teeth rotting
away from an excess of sugar ...

that no amount of toothpaste can dislodge.

I will taste those damn
Malaga coolers forever.

That woman is a menace
not only to health ...

but to Western civilization as we know it.

She does not deserve to live.

Forget I said that.

Yes.

He did it.

He did it. Oh, get off my lap,
you little ingrate! Get off!

He did it. He really, really did it.

Yes, yes. I know who
Henrietta Lowell's attorney is.

In fact, he has an office
somewhere in this building.

Well, let's put it this way, Harry.

He doesn't seem to have a very
active practice.

Henrietta Lowell seems to be
his only client.

Well, what I mean is ...

he may not be exactly overjoyed ...

at the idea of sharing her
affections with Henry.

- No! No, no, no! No ...
- Andrew.

No, I won't accept it.
As your lawyer, I forbid it.

But Andrew, I'm in love.

Nonsense. After three days?

Who is he? One of your students?

That little wino who went with you on one
of your field trips to the Canary Islands?

Malcolm Finger is not a wino, Andrew.

But it is him?

- No, it is not.
- Well then, who is it?

A foreigner?

Some little wop with a fancy title?

What's the little
fortune hunter's name?

Really, Andrew.

I don't see why you take it for granted ...

that the only reason that somebody
would marry me is for my money.

There may be some other basis, you know?

Oh my God. Oh my God. Of course, Henrietta.
Don't you think that I know?

Haven't I proposed to you these past ten
years on whatever other basis there is?

Look, it's ... it's just that ... with
your discreet beauty ...

and womanly presence ...

I find it deeply suspicious for anyone ...

who claims to ...

penetrate the many mysteries ...

of your personality in just three days.

You're saying that I'm plain and shy ...

but that after a while you get used to it.

I'm saying that you're not flagrant.
I'm saying that you're subtle.

Like some very expensive ...
custom-made ... hat.

I don't know what I'm saying.
Can't you see that I'm distraught?

Andrew. Andrew, listen to me.
You will find ... You will find someone else.

Andrew, you will find some wonderful
woman who deserves you.

Are you alright, Andrew?
Andrew, oh, please. What's wrong?

Nothing, Henrietta. Nothing.

- Henrietta, darling ...
- No, no! Andrew! No more ...

Andrew, I'm going now. I'm leaving,
in order to meet Henry ...

who, it just so happens, is an
American citizen of English extraction ...

with a very large fortune of his own.

- Oh, really?
- Yes.

- What's Henry's last name?
- Graham.

Oh, Andrew, please.
Please come to the wedding.

I'll be so disappointed if you
don't give me away. Please?

- Please?
- Alright, alright.

Henry Graham.
You won't get away with it, Henry Graham.

Won't will not get away with it!
Let me see. Now, I have to do something.

Who do I know who's pregnant
and a good sport?

- Yes, Mariamne?
- A Mr Harry Graham is on 21, sir.

He says it's extremely urgent
and confidential.

- Harry Graham?
- Yes, sir.

Very well, put him on.

Little ninny, doesn't even
know his right name.

Mr Graham.

You wonder why I called you here today.

One day before the ceremony that
will unite you as man and wife.

Let me explain.

As Henrietta's friend and attorney,
it behooves me ...

... to take on the ever unpleasant
role of the devil's advocate.

And despite her assurances
that you are a man of means ...

I've taken it upon myself to
investigate your financial status.

Excuse me, sir.
Tea will be delayed by 7 minutes.

- Andrew, you had no right to do that.
- Alright.

It's quite alright, Henrietta.
I have nothing to hide.

The Grahams have been with
the same bank for six generations ...

as Mr McPherson has
undoubtedly discovered.

I didn't speak to the bank, Mr Graham.

I spoke to your uncle.

Your butler seems to have weak wrists.

Andrew, I think it's just dreadful
of you to do that.

To call Henry's uncle
and speak to him ...

as if he were opening up
some kind of charge account.

I'm so sorry, Henry.

Henrietta, I didn't call Henry's uncle.
Henry's uncle called me ...

in order to tell me that
his nephew here ...

borrowed $50,000 from him
five and a half weeks ago ...

because his trust fund ran out ...

and he had to pay some back bills ...

and marry a wealthy woman before
the news of it got around.

I hope you can substantiate this hearsay,
because I intend to sue you for slander.

Oh, I can substantiate it alright.
I wouldn't be here if I couldn't.

Henrietta, here's a photostat
of the original note.

Now take a good look at it.

They're rather interesting
terms, aren't they?

You're still gonna sue me
for slander, Mr Graham?

Yes, Mr McPherson. I am still
going to sue you for slander.

You see, McPherson,
I knew for several years ...

that my money was running out.

Now, if you can convince a court ...

that any man with the
slightest interest at all in money ...

would sit around for several years
doing nothing ...

while his money ran out ...

and then borrow $50,000 under the most
disadvantageous terms imaginable ...

so that he could dash out and
catch himself a rich wife ...

in order to pay it back
within six weeks ...

I will withdraw my suit for slander.

Alright.

Now, let's put in this way, Graham.

Now, let's put in this way, Graham.

If you can convince a court ...

that any man without any interest at all
whatsoever in money of any kind ...

would borrow $50,000
for no reason at all ...

I'll withdraw my charge.

Agreed.

Alright. Let's hear the reason.

Now, you were going to use the $50,000
to set up a fund for the disadvantaged ...

and make a better world.
Am I close?

No sense in being facetious,
Mr McPherson.

I was going to use the $50,000
to tidy up my affairs ...

and then immediately afterwards ...

kill myself.

Yes, Henrietta. On the day I met you
I was a dead man.

My life was over. And then ...

something happened to me.

I suddenly realized that if ...

by some miracle I could have you ...

I would have a purpose, an answer
to the emptiness of my existence.

And so I proposed, Henrietta.
Not to get your money ...

but to find out
if I had a reason to live.

Henry, why didn't you tell me?

I would have married you
the very first day.

Henrietta, wait a minute!
You don't believe that garbage, do you?

Any sex-starved half-wit would know that's
just a line. What's the matter with you?

You have been unbelievably cruel.

Thank you for keeping me alive, Henrietta.

You're welcome, Henry.
You're entirely welcome.

I can't believe this!

- Get off.
- I beg of you, Henrietta ... Sorry ...

I beg of you, Henrietta. Don't get
carried away. Henrietta ...

If he's not really interested in
your money, make him prove it!

I would do anything in the world
to prove to you, Henrietta ...

that I haven't the slightest interest
at all in your money ...

but there is absolutely no way I can do it.

- There is no way.
- I have a way.

- But there is no way.
- Henrietta, I have a way.

Have him consent to some kind of
legal arrangement ...

that prevents him from gaining
financially after the marriage.

Don't listen to him, Henrietta.

That way, people won't get the wrong
impression from his uncle the way I did.

That's a good idea.

Let's make all my accounts
joint with Henry.

And he's to have a checkbook
with his name on it.

And I would like the debt to his uncle
paid before the wedding.

You would like ... you would ...
Are you crazy?

Have you gone totally out of your mind?

- I thought it was your idea.
- It was not my idea!

My idea was for him to disclaim
all your money, not to share it.

Oh, that's really just ridiculous, Andrew.
It's very naive of you.

If Henry disclaimed all my money, I would
have to write all of his checks for him.

And then people really would think ...

that he was marrying me for my money.

Don't you see?
This way he'll already have all my money.

So that no one can possibly think
that he's married me for it.

Don't you think it's a good solution,
Henry?

You nincompoop!
That's no solution at all.

- Henrietta, I love you.
- How dare you call my fiancee a nincompoop?

Harold! Get Mr McPherson's hat
and show him out.

- Hat ?
- Yes.

We have to get to the bank
before it closes at 3 o'clock.

Nein, nein, nein.
Nein, nein.

- I thought you were going to play the Bach.
- This is what he told me to play.

Harold, you've got to stop her.
That little woman. She's touching things.

Oh no. She's ... Harold, she's
unscrewing my Montrosini.

You don't have time to make a fuss now, sir.
I'll screw it back when she leaves.

She's destroying my living room.

Why did I get into this?

I don't even know her, she's a stranger.
I don't want her here.

Get out!

Oh, I thought this was the bathroom.

Well, it's not!

And if you touch anything else,
I'll have you arrested.

Oh, sir, get a hold of yourself.

This is what it'll be like,
isn't it, Harold?

She'll be everywhere, touching things.

Poking her nose into
where it doesn't belong ...

pretending she's looking for the bathroom.

No, sir. You will share things.

I don't want to share things.
I want to own them all by myself.

Why are you standing there,
you little spy?

McPherson sent you in here
to find out what was going on?

Oh, sir.

- Is he the groom?
- Don't answer that, Harold.

I'll ask the questions from here on in.

Henrietta, if I could just talk to you ...

Who are you really?

Come on now, let's have it!

And I want real names
or else you'll regret it.

I'm Dodi Heinrich.
Professor Heinrich's daughter.

Professor Heinrich?

Harold, he's invited
some Nazi to the wedding.

Sir, you are hysterical. You must get hold.
You are due at the altar now.

I won't move until she leaves.

I will not get dressed
in front of a woman ...

and she might as well understand that now.

You already are dressed.

Get her out. Out!

- Miss Heinrich, I will escort you to the bathroom.
- Get out! Out!

And she will not touch my things.
I will not have her touching my things.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

Come on. It's time.
What are you doing up there?

Frank, I think one of my legs is
shorter than the other.

Yes, I know, old man. It'll get ...

longer again after the ceremony.

Oh, I'll kill her.

Henrietta, it's not too late.

I love you, Henrietta.

Please don't do this insane thing.

Oh, Henrietta, I just talked to his uncle ...

I'll kill myself, Henrietta ...

Would you step back just half a step,
so Henry can stand next to Henrietta?

Dearly beloved.

We are gathered together here
in the sight of God ...

and in the face of this company ...

to join together this man and
this woman in holy matrimony ...

which is an honorable estate
instituted of God ...

signifying unto us the mystical union
which is betwixt Christ and his church ...

- I'll be leaving now.
I hope you'll enjoy your stay.

Thank you. Thank you.

Erm, Henrietta, I will use this chest
and you can use that one.

Or would you prefer that I use
that chest and you use this one?

That one will be fine.

And I will unpack my own things.

I have a certain way
that I unpack my things.

And if anyone touches anything
I get mixed up.

- Yes, Henry.
- Alright. Then shall we unpack?

I'm just going to dig up this specimen ...

and take it home for classification.

It's probably been classified for years ...

but I might as well just try it anyway.

Why not?

This is really incredible.

I know this isn't a Cyathea.

I know it's an Alsophila but ...

it seems to have some kind of
vestigial indusium.

Whoops!

Henry?

Commonly found in gardening sheds.

Perfect.

Spreading and emulsifying agents.

Soap, saponins, gelatin ...

Sticking agents, defloculating agents ...

Get poison from gardening shed.

Toxides: arsenic acid, sodium arsenite,
boron compounds, cyanides ...

cyo-cyenates and
related compounds ...

Oh, Henrietta, I meant to ask you ...

which, er ... which bed do you prefer ?

This one or that one?
Either one is fine for me.

This one is fine.

Fine. Then I will take that one.

And when we both use the same
bed, we'll use this one.

- Champagne?
- Thank you.

Henrietta, where is your other arm?

It's in the nightgown.

It's a Graecian-style nightgown.

It fits over one shoulder and
the other one goes inside.

It's very uncomfortable. I can barely
move my head all the way around.

Fine ... I just think you have
your head through the arm-hole.

If you'll just stand up for a minute.

That's it. There you are ...

I think ... You see, you have
your head through the arm-hole.

Now, pick your arm up ...

No, not that one.
Put that one down.

That arm down. Let's pick
this arm up. Thaaaat's it.

That's it.

Now, here we are.

- Just get this ... over here ...
- Let me put my glasses ...

Oh, here. Let me put
your glasses down here.

Alright. Now, hold it ...

No, just a minute.

See, you have your ...
you have your head through the arm-hole.

We have to get your head out ...
out of the arm-hole.

See, both of the holes look very similar.

Where ... where is your head-hole?

Well, I thought my head was in it.

No. You had your head in the arm-hole.

Where are you now?

I'm still where I was.

- Where ...?
- Just a minute.

Oh. Here. That's it.

Here you are.

- I'll get your arm ...
- This arm?

Yes. Get this arm through ... through ...
No, wait a minute. You have ...

There. That's it.

Now put this arm ...

through here.

This is a head-and-left-arm hole.

Here. There you are.

- That's it. That's it!
- Oh, I see.

Now, there! That's the way ... it's
supposed to ... It still looks strange.

I'm sorry to be so much trouble to you.

That's alright. It's not for long ...

- Harold, Harold!
- Welcome home.

- Where is Mrs Graham, sir?
- Who?

Is she not with you, sir?
Where is she, sir?

Hello.

Oh, there you are, Madam.
Oh, welcome home, Mrs Graham.

May ... may I express my great
joy at seeing you ... again.

Thank you, Harold. Heavens.

Harold, where is the chauffeur?

I couldn't find him, sir.

He disappeared just as
I was about to leave.

- Couldn't find him ?
- No.

John is a little forgetful, dear.

That's why I usually take the bus.

- Who's John?
- John is the chauffeur.

His memory lapses.

I ... I think you ought to
prepare yourself, sir.

Mrs Graham's household is
incredibly democratic.

Couldn't find the chauffeur?

Chauffeur? Chauffeur!

Well, you're early.

Well, welcome home and
congratulations.

Mrs Traggert, I'd like you to meet
my husband, Henry Graham.

How do you do?

Henry, this is the housekeeper,
our housekeeper, Mrs Traggert.

May I ask where the chauffeur is?

Well, didn't he pick you up at the airport?

No, he did not.

Oh, well ...

I guess, er, his car broke down.
I'll have to look into that.

Will you ... you're wanting dinner
at home this evening?

Henry, would you want dinner
at home this evening?

Yes, supper for two, Mrs Traggert.

Very good.

Thank you, Mrs Traggert.

You're welcome.

- Well, how do you like it so far, dear?
- Well, I've only seen the foyer.

Oh, well, this is the main hall.

Oh, baby. Oh, I need you.
Oh, I want you. Aah ... ooh ...

Oh, who ... who are they?

Erm, one of them was a maid and
the other ... er ... was the chauffeur.

- John, the chauffeur?
- Yes.

Tell me, Henrietta, on what basis
do you hire your servants?

Efficiency or personal charm?

Both, actually. I mean,
I don't actually hire them.

Mrs Traggert does now
do the hiring, but I, er ...

When I did hire them,
I used both criteria.

Oh, er, madam?

Are you a guest in ...?
Is she ...?

Madam, would you mind using
the servants' staircase?

This is Mrs Blair.

This is the cook's daughter, Mandy.

Er, Madam, would you mind
letting us through? We ... Harold!

- Harold?
- Yes, sir?

Harold, get the household accounts
from Mrs Traggert immediately ...

and meet me in the
drawing room in ten minutes.

You can finish the luggage later.

- You may go now, Harold.
- Yes.

This is insane. Absolutely astonishing.

I thought it might be, sir.
She keeps it under the mattress.

Hm. Look at this, Harold.

There are 17 servants in this house,
including a cook's daughter ...

who gets $200 a week
as her mother's helper.

The food bills average out to $130 a day.

And there are no receipts.

Miscellaneous: $6,000 a month.

Harold, after dinner ...

I want all the servants in this room ...

and be sure that Mrs Graham
is not present.

Copy this ledger exactly and put it
back under the mattress.

Certainly, sir.

Harold, do you happen to know
where the gardening shed is?

Yes, sir. It's in the back of the garden.

Oh, good. Well, I guess I'll take
a stroll around the grounds.

We don't have anything like that,
Mr Graham.

Mrs Graham wouldn't allow it.

She's a strict believer
in the organic method.

But surely some of the
more basic pesticides ...

arsenic, strychnine ... that kind of thing.

No. A healthy plant in a healthy soil.

That's the organic method.

It works, too.

Oh, really?

Well ... if it really works,
why change it?

Mr Graham, on behalf of the entire staff,
I would like to welcome you aboard ...

and drink a toast to your success.

Thank you very much, Mrs Traggert.
No, thank you.

No, thank you very much.

Mrs Traggert ...

No, thank you.

I would like to say a word,
please, Mrs Traggert?

There's something about you
that puzzles me.

Why do you continue on in the arduous
position of housekeeper ...

when by investing wisely you could have ...

your own little townhouse
in Sutton Place?

And a guaranteed income for life.

Surely, after having
successfully managed ...

to head the household accounts ...

to the tune of 35,000 tax-free dollars
per year, for the past five years ...

you must have salted something away.

Have I ever.

I'm not including, of course ...

the token salary of $800 a week

- Four ... four hundred.
- Oh.

you receive as mad money.

Huh, is it mad?

Mrs Traggert, you're fired.

I don't understand.
I don't know what that means.

It means that you are a thief, Mrs Traggert.

On what grounds are you
making this accusation?

I'm calling you a thief ...

on the basis of the household accounts ...

which you very sensibly
hid under your mattress.

Listen, Mr Graham, could I speak to you
for just one little minute, please?

The time is now 7 minutes past 9 o'clock.

If you are not out of this house
by 10, I will call the police.

Shall we synchronize our watches
or would you rather go for broke?

Uh, eh ... You, er, you wouldn't like
to hear my side of the story?

Alright, alright! I'm leaving.

- Oh, John.
- Yes, sir?

John, do you think we ought to
scrap our cars?

Huh?

You see, according to your
gas consumption and mileage record ...

each car averages 15 miles a day ...

at 1 mile per gallon,
while parked in a garage.

It would mean bankruptcy if we
actually took them out on the road.

We did those figures wrong ...

by about ... half.

John, do you have a suitcase?

Yeah, I have five.
I could always use another one.

Well, five will do very nicely, John.

Pack all five and be out of
this house in 45 minutes ...

or I will shoot you on sight
for trespassing.

I-I-I, I don't get it.

I'll try to clarify it, John.

You're being fired
because you are a cheap crook.

Now, if you are not out of this house
and off these grounds in 45 minutes ...

I will shoot you as a trespasser ...

with proved criminal intentions.

And I am an excellent shot.
Does that make it clearer?

Well, er ... why, if you gotta
act like that ... I quit.

As for the rest of you, you have
exactly two hours to get out.

Out!

And I do not believe that
for one second.

Is the party over already?

You too, Madam.

He means business!

Henry, there are a lot of strange
people in the house, who are they?

Yeah. They are not people,
Henrietta, they are servants.

I hired them this morning.

You know, Henry, Mrs Traggert
will be furious.

Mrs Traggert has been fired along
with the rest of the staff ...

so her emotional responses need
no longer concern you.

Oh, Erica, this is Mrs Graham.

This is our new housekeeper.
She'll be working under Harold.

Fine. Fine. Thank you.
You may go now, Erica.

Henrietta, come, please.
Thank you. You may go, Erica.

Henrietta, come.

Don't shake hands, please.

Don't shake hands
with the servants, Henrietta.

It destroys all hope of any discipline.

- You fired Mrs Traggert?
- Yes, I fired Mrs Traggert.

- You fired John, too?
- Especially John.

And they agreed?

We didn't vote on it, Henrietta.

I simply told them they were fired.

Which reminds me ...

How attached are you to Mr McPherson?

Oh no, oh no, Henry.

He's a total incompetent, Henrietta.

Do you have an idea how much money
has been spent to run this house?

No, but Andrew knows.

Andrew has co-signed all
of Mrs Traggert's checks.

Really, he has his finger on everything.

He co-signed all of
Mrs Traggert's checks?

Yes. He's very thorough.

- Henry ...
- Did ... you ... allow Mrs Traggert ...

to have ... her own ...
checking account?

Yes. It was the household account.

She said it would be easier for her.

So I ... I, er ... did.

- Henrietta.
- Yes?

Never, er, never mind ... I ...

Henrietta, I'll handle the
finances from here on in.

Yes.

I would like the bank to issue a statement
covering all your accounts ...

and please instruct them that no check
has to be drawn on any account ...

unless it was co-signed by me.

I can go over your holdings and your
federal and state tax returns after you're...

after you're ... after,
afterwa-, afterwards.

Holdings and federal, okay.
Heavens. Oh.

Just a piece of cotton, dear.

- Oh, Henrietta?
- Yes?

I suppose you're absolutely satisfied
with the organic method?

Oh, yes. Yes, I am.

- Shut up!

Now, Mr McPherson.
I want you to do something about this.

- I didn't even get my two weeks' notice.
- Nobody did.

If a judge sees those salaries ...

he'll clamp you in jail on spec.

Very few chauffeurs make $600 a week.

- $300. You get half ...
- From all of us.

I advise you to keep
your mouth shut about that.

According to the records, I don't take
anything at all, and don't you forget it.

Is that so?

Alright, alright. Laura! Take it easy.
Wait a minute. Wait. Laura? Lester?

- Laura. Kids.
- I'm not a kid.

- Now, wait a minute. Wait a minute.
- Let him talk.

Kids, we've been together
a long time, right?

We've been a great team.

We've had some bad years and good years.

We laughed a little. Cried a little.

Put a little away together.
But it's all over now.

There's nothing we can do about it.

- Yes, Mariamne?

The bank chief called ...

saying that Mr Graham
has instructed them ...

not to issue any funds
without his signature.

Henry, you have a B.A. in history.

... gardening shed ...

Oh, Henry, how wonderful.

Whom do I know with a gardening shed?

I sprayed and the crown gall was gone.

What an exciting coincidence.

Have you ever thought
of teaching, dear?

There is an instructorship opening
this fall, in history ...

and there seems to be absolutely no
prospect at filling up the place ...

with so many of the teachers
appointed to the science department ...

... back in the evening together.

Never.

Don't you?

We could have lunch together
in the teachers' cafeteria ...

and then, every semester, we could grade
our term papers together in the study.

Henrietta, for the last time.
I have no inclination to teach.

No, not the slightest.

How do you know, dear,
if you've never tried?

Instinct.

... on a cash basis ... accrual basis ...

... therefore deduct taxes in the
year in which they are actually paid ...

Henry?

Might as well finish the
accounts and get you ...

and get them out of the way before
the end of the week.

He handles the income taxes rather well.

Henry, I wanted to ask you something.

- What?
- I wanted to ask you something.

Well, you know that every summer
I go on a field trip ...

for my research work.

And ... I was just wondering if this year ...

it would be alright
if I went on a field trip?

Field trip?
For how long?

Only for a week or two.

I ... I thought I might go on
a canoe trip on the Adirondacks.

It's ... it's very lovely there.

It's all sort of tangled and isolated.

And, erm ... I usually go
with one of my students.

But, erm ... I just ...
it just occurred to me ...

that this year ... you and I
might perhaps go together.

- Together?
- To the Adirondacks.

The Adirondacks.
Would we need a guide or anyone?

Not if we didn't wander from our camp.

And I would feel perfectly safe
with you there, Henry.

I would feel safer
even than with a guide.

Sounds wonderful, doesn't it?

Sounds like the answer to everything.

- Harold, can't I use a suitcase?
- I wouldn't if I were you, sir.

I think carrying a suitcase through the
woods would prove something of a hazard.

- Well, don't forget to pack my Swiss army.
- Yes.

Mrs Graham seems to be a most
good-natured lady. sir.

I'm pleased that the marriage
is working out so well.

She's not good-natured.
She is regressed.

I have never seen such
a helpless human being.

Do you remember some
weeks ago, sir, when ...

when you told me that
you'd lost all your money?

and you had no skills and no ambitions

Harold, don't forget to pack the compasses
and the maps. We will need those.

Yes, sir. But it seems you do have
skills and ambitions.

I mean, look how you've
taken over the house.

You've learned to handle accounts
and grapple with taxes ...

and you've tidied up Mrs Graham.

Oh, no. I forgot to check her before
she went to school this morning.

She'll be walking around all day with
price tags dangling from her sleeves.

I took the liberty, sir.

Oh, thank you Harold.
Was she free of crumbs?

Only a slight sprinkling, sir.
I brushed her up.

Well, sir, my point is, sir ...

that you have shown
the most surprising talent, sir ...

and although Mrs Graham's helplessness
is a little bit irritating at times ...

couldn't it be in some strange way, sir ...

that this very helplessness ...

has been the stimulus of your own
amazing new competence?

I mean, very often, sir ...

you know, what we... what we
dislike most in other people ...

is only a reflection about our
own inadequacies, sir ...

- and our own shortcomings.
- Harold.

Why don't you pack the revolver?
Please put the flask down, Harold.

Put the flask down. Pack ... never mind.
Just put the flask down. Put the revolver down.

I'll do it. You may go now, Harold.
Thank you very much.

Yes, sir.

Henry! Henry! Henry! Henry!

Henry! Henry!

Easy, Henrietta. I'll be right down.

- Henry?
- I'm here.

Relax. Just easy.
Catch your breath. That's it.

Relax. Calm down.

Here we are. Sit down.

That's it. That's it, now.
Catch your breath. What is it?

It's been accepted.

My Alsophila ignocardium grahami.
They've accepted it.

Try to speak calm, my dear.
What is it they have accepted?

It's a tropical tree-fern.

And I discovered it during our honeymoon.

And when I couldn't classify it,
I thought it might be a true species.

But I couldn't believe it,
so I sent it to Wagner ...

at the University of Michigan.
And Henry, it is. It's a true species.

I've discovered a true species.

Well. That's very nice. Very nice.

Well, well. Now you'll be able to name
a whole species, won't you?

Just like ... what's his name?

- Louis de Bougainville.
- That's right. Or James Parkinson.

Or ... Brussels sprouts.

Well, well, well. You've achieved the kind
of immortality after all, haven't you?

Now you'll be in all the
atlases under L ...

right before Morgan,
Muller and Mendel.

It would be cross-indexed under G.

Alsophila grahami, for Graham.

For Graham?

You mean that you've discovered a new
species and have named it for Graham ...

after doing all your work as Lowell?

You fool.
That's not the way to name a species.

Can't you do anything right?

I didn't name it for me, Henry,
I named it for you.

Alsophila grahami, for Henry Graham.

Alsophila grahami, for Henry Graham.

Well, are you sure that they'll know ...
I mean, that it's me?

Will they have my name in the atlas
under ... under G?

For Henry Graham?

Yes, and they'll have you in all the
textbooks, Henry, as a footnote ...

As a footnote ...
and in the atlases under G.

Well, I've achieved a small slice of
immortality myself, haven't I?

As a footnote and under G.

Are you pleased, Henry?

Oh yes, it was very thoughtful of you,
Henrietta. I believe I am pleased.

I put a tip of one fern
into a plastic token ...

so that you can wear it always.
If you want to.

Oh yes. Well, why not? I mean ...
it will be a wonderful conversation piece.

"What frond is in your token, Henry?"

"Oh, my own frond. An Alsophila grahami.
Why do you ask?"

You like it?

Yes, yes. very attractive, isn't it?

Good lines. I mean, for a frond.

Don't you ... don't you think it should
be under ... under L. I mean ...

Alsophila lowellia or something?

I feel as though you've given me
your place in the atlases.

Henry, I don't think I could have
ever discovered it without you.

You gave me confidence.

You remember? You said that if being
with you was going to give me confidence ...

I was going to be a
very confident botanist.

Well, you were right.

Alsophila grahami.
Well, well, well ...

Henrietta, what happens if you
get lost in these woods?

- Well, various things.
- Various things such as what?

For example, if there is a stream ...

then you would follow the stream.

- Which way?
- We would follow the stream upstream.

Henry, I'm having such a wonderful time.

Our entire marriage has been
like a long, beautiful field trip.

That's nice.
That makes me feel better somehow.

Would you like some more Z11?

No thank you.
It's the Z11 that's attracting them.

It's a repellent.

So they would lead you to believe.

Would you like some more
Calamine lotion, dear?

No, thank you.
It only makes it itch more.

They say that if you don't scratch,
it itches less.

Well, they're wrong.

It only looks like it itches less
because you're not scratching.

One just got me on the bridge of the nose.

Should we put something on it?

No, thank you.

From now on, Henrietta,
I'll make the coffee.

Yes, dear.

You're all sticky, Henrietta.

I spilled the honey.

Here, Henrietta.

From now on, dear,
I'll make the dinner.

What will I do?

You'll eat.

It seems easier to paddle somehow.

That's because the current gets
stronger as we approach the rapids.

Look, dear, aren't they beautiful?

What?

The rapids.

Those are the rapids?

Yes. Just tell me exactly what
to do, dear. I'm a very good sailor.

Paddle like hell towards shore!

Aaaah!

- What?
- Never mind!

- Never mind?
- Never mind!

Do I have to paddle in any particular
direction, dear?

Full harder to the left side!

The left side! Full harder!

Although we keep fulling on the left side,
we seem to be heading towards the bank.

Aaaahhh! The right side!

The right side!

Henry, how much longer do
the rapids go on?

That's odd.

It just seems to stop.

Oh, Henry! Listen!
Henry, it sounds like a waterfall!

Oh my God. That's what it is.

It just stops and becomes a waterfall.

Paddle like hell towards the bank!
Towards the bank!

There is no bank!
There is just a lot of rocks!

Henry?

Henry?

I can't ...

I can't swim.

Henry!

Henrietta, you hold on on to
that log until I tell you to let go!

The canoe overturned. I looked
desperately through the waters but ...

I ... I couldn't find her.

Henry?

And ... if only she had told me
she couldn't swim.

If only we had taken a guide.

But she had her heart set on
going with me alone.

Alright, Henrietta!
I'm ready for you now!

Take a deep breath,
hold your nose and let go!

Henrietta, look. I mean ...

Look. An Alsophila grahami.

Alsophila grahami.

Up here, in the north woods.

I've lost it.
I've lost my token.

I've lost my Alsophila grahami.

Henrietta.

Henrietta! Dammit to hell!

Damn, damn, damn! Nothing ever turns out
the way it's supposed to be ...

Work a plan.
Henrietta! Dammit!

Alright.
You may breathe now, Henrietta.

You may breathe now.
Let go of your nose.

Now, hold my shoulders. Face me.
Hold my shoulders. That's it.

Hold on to them. Alright.
Hold them.

Breathe, breathe.
Through your mouth.

Keep your chin up.
Chin up.

Breathe through your mouth.
That's it.

And if you taste water, spit it out.

Don't spit on me, Henrietta.
Just spit the water out into the river.

That's it. That's it.
Now breathe. Very good.

Here now. Sit down in the sun
and warm up.

That's right.

That's right.

There.

Are you still cold?

Well, I better hold you. My body
should provide some warmth.

Henry. Henry. Henry?

I'll always be able to
depend on you, won't I?

All the rest of my life?

I'm afraid so.

Henry, the history classes are going
to be much smaller this year.

Henrietta, I'm not going to teach history.

Probably.

It seems a shame, though, Henry.
You are a very talented man.

Are you sure you won't change your mind?

I don't know.
I have no mind as far as I can tell.

Are you still cold?

- I'm a little warmer.
- Good.

- Henry? Henry?
- Yes?

I know that this isn't
exactly what you planned.

What?

But will you mind doing it very much?

Being a history instructor?

And going to the university
with you in the mornings?

And ... grading term papers with you
in the study every semester?

Not terribly.

Come. I think we'd better go.