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1
00:00:06,807 --> 00:00:09,475
What playboy is really all about
and what hefner is all about is
trying to say,
2
00:00:10,711 --> 00:00:11,677
let's celebrate our sexuality.
3
00:00:13,581 --> 00:00:15,814
It is fun when you first have
sex, right?
4
00:00:16,917 --> 00:00:20,152
But he needed to
experience it all.
5
00:00:21,422 --> 00:00:23,422
There's a line that's crossed.
It made me sick to my stomach.
6
00:00:24,925 --> 00:00:25,991
It just got to be a circus.
7
00:00:26,894 --> 00:00:28,727
I think for men like
hef, over time,
8
00:00:29,630 --> 00:00:31,997
it takes more to be turned on.
9
00:00:32,566 --> 00:00:33,098
Ben wa balls,
10
00:00:34,001 --> 00:00:36,969
sex trapezes, sex with dogs.
11
00:00:39,306 --> 00:00:40,906
These men needed to try things
that were more transgressive.
12
00:00:42,610 --> 00:00:45,911
And that rush came from finding
these girls that were very
13
00:00:47,848 --> 00:00:52,217
innocent and naive and slowly
watching them do things that
they never
14
00:00:52,319 --> 00:00:54,620
thought they would do before.
Really just breaking them down.
15
00:00:55,823 --> 00:00:59,191
This is beyond having fun
partying. He was like a vampire.
16
00:01:01,262 --> 00:01:03,629
He was sucking the life out of
me. Really, he was a monster.
17
00:01:04,899 --> 00:01:08,434
The things that he got turned on
by, nothing was enough, nothing.
18
00:01:13,641 --> 00:01:14,873
My name is hugh hefner, I'm
editor/publisher of playboy
magazine.
19
00:01:15,843 --> 00:01:18,343
Hugh hefner was just
27, he fashioned himself
20
00:01:18,446 --> 00:01:22,381
and playboy as the face
of sexual liberation.
21
00:01:22,483 --> 00:01:24,683
Playboy is one of the most
famous brand names in the world.
22
00:01:26,420 --> 00:01:29,655
I would like to be remembered as
somebody who played some
positive part in
23
00:01:29,757 --> 00:01:30,689
changing the social
sexual values of my time.
24
00:01:32,393 --> 00:01:35,461
I believe that hef pulled
one over on the whole world.
25
00:01:38,332 --> 00:01:42,134
The fantasy of playboy that he
created did not allow for the
consent of the women.
26
00:01:44,105 --> 00:01:46,472
When it came to hefner's
buddies, you had to keep those
secrets quiet.
27
00:01:47,842 --> 00:01:49,208
What have you got for free?
28
00:01:49,310 --> 00:01:52,644
When you get someone that
powerful, anything could happen,
anything!
29
00:01:54,648 --> 00:01:56,315
The people who are really there,
they're the ones who know the
real truth.
30
00:01:57,785 --> 00:02:00,219
I want be a voice for the women
that suffered the most at his
hands.
31
00:02:00,955 --> 00:02:08,527
[dramatic music]
32
00:02:17,304 --> 00:02:21,707
this was commissioned by one of
the art directors on our third
anniversary.
33
00:02:21,809 --> 00:02:24,109
And it's hef and sondra
three fabulous years,
34
00:02:25,045 --> 00:02:26,712
but I can't hate my house.
It's just,
35
00:02:27,915 --> 00:02:30,449
it goes against everything that
I'm trying to do right now.
36
00:02:32,153 --> 00:02:35,287
Trying to get the word out,
just for girls, young girls
37
00:02:35,389 --> 00:02:38,657
to be careful with the decisions
they make and what they give
away.
38
00:02:40,060 --> 00:02:42,528
Even though he's gone, there's
going to be another one in
history.
39
00:02:42,630 --> 00:02:43,028
They're out there,
there always is.
40
00:02:44,598 --> 00:02:45,497
This subject matter is
a little touchy for me.
41
00:02:46,200 --> 00:02:51,036
[music]
42
00:02:51,705 --> 00:02:52,571
I was so innocent.
43
00:02:54,608 --> 00:02:57,809
That's sondra theodore,
a rather special lady.
44
00:02:59,380 --> 00:03:01,313
Between you and me, is she going
to be playmate of the year? You
can tell me.
45
00:03:02,850 --> 00:03:03,315
Well, not this year,
dick, maybe next.
46
00:03:05,553 --> 00:03:07,753
See, they're talking about what
a wholesome girl I was. And I
was.
47
00:03:09,456 --> 00:03:11,790
When I first met sondra
theodore at the la mansion,
48
00:03:11,892 --> 00:03:14,226
she was only 19 years old.
She was very young.
49
00:03:16,730 --> 00:03:19,498
She was angelic, and she was
sweet, and she was absolutely
beautiful.
50
00:03:20,868 --> 00:03:22,000
And she was always
standing next to hefner.
51
00:03:24,572 --> 00:03:27,339
Sondra, she truly loved him.
Even though at that time I
didn't know her well,
52
00:03:28,576 --> 00:03:29,041
I could just sense it.
53
00:03:30,477 --> 00:03:34,513
She met hef and just from
the get go, loved hef.
54
00:03:40,387 --> 00:03:45,257
Honestly, he probably should
have married sondra because she
genuinely loved him.
55
00:03:46,961 --> 00:03:48,527
My name is sondra theodore,
56
00:03:48,629 --> 00:03:52,130
and I was hef's girlfriend in
the seventies and early eighties
for five years.
57
00:03:53,801 --> 00:03:55,234
It was like living
in a fairy tale, and
58
00:03:58,172 --> 00:04:00,806
he made me believe it,
and everybody else did too.
59
00:04:00,908 --> 00:04:04,276
'cause I don't know if they all
felt like it was a fairy tale
too,
60
00:04:04,945 --> 00:04:06,612
that we were so in love.
61
00:04:10,117 --> 00:04:14,152
I would've never thought she
would speak about hef because
boy was
62
00:04:14,255 --> 00:04:15,153
she loyal to him.
63
00:04:15,623 --> 00:04:18,924
[music]
64
00:04:19,960 --> 00:04:23,428
looking back, I don't
know how I fell for this.
65
00:04:25,099 --> 00:04:27,032
I don't know, it's
like baffling. Hefner,
66
00:04:28,235 --> 00:04:30,302
he broke me like you
would break a horse.
67
00:04:33,207 --> 00:04:36,508
He scared me a lot at the end
because you couldn't satisfy
him.
68
00:04:36,610 --> 00:04:41,079
He had to more and more and
more, you know, pretty wild.
69
00:04:42,916 --> 00:04:43,181
I couldn't tell anybody.
70
00:04:44,685 --> 00:04:48,920
I would be horrified to tell my
parents what had been going on.
71
00:04:49,023 --> 00:04:51,690
I didn't want them to know that.
I didn't want anybody to know
that,
72
00:04:51,792 --> 00:04:53,659
and I'm sitting here telling
you; that was my big secret.
73
00:04:58,565 --> 00:04:59,031
I was a good kid.
74
00:05:02,503 --> 00:05:05,470
I started piano when I
was seven, and I loved it.
75
00:05:07,808 --> 00:05:09,675
My parents were strict. They
made me practice before school
and after school,
76
00:05:11,879 --> 00:05:15,180
but I never once wanted to quit.
In high school, I focused on my
studies.
77
00:05:17,184 --> 00:05:19,117
I was going to become an
actress, and I was a bible
school teacher.
78
00:05:21,188 --> 00:05:24,890
I was just a really, really good
girl that had really high hopes
and dreams, and
79
00:05:25,592 --> 00:05:29,361
I pursued them until I met hef.
80
00:05:32,966 --> 00:05:36,501
When I first went up to the
mansion, I really did not know.
81
00:05:38,038 --> 00:05:40,706
I didn't have the concept of
who he was. I looked so happy,
82
00:05:40,808 --> 00:05:41,873
but I had no idea what
I was walking into.
83
00:05:44,345 --> 00:05:46,345
I told my mother that I was
going to howard hughes's house,
and she said,
84
00:05:48,215 --> 00:05:51,550
he's dead. And I said, well,
there's another guy with hh in
his name.
85
00:05:51,652 --> 00:05:52,484
And I said, oh
yeah, hugh hefner.
86
00:05:53,887 --> 00:05:55,520
And they're like, "oh no, no,
no, no, no, don't go there.
87
00:05:55,622 --> 00:05:57,989
Don't go there." but I
said, "mom,
88
00:05:58,092 --> 00:06:00,892
don't be silly." and I went with
my high school best friend, and
we were going
89
00:06:02,596 --> 00:06:04,629
together, and we were coming
home together. That was the
deal.
90
00:06:07,601 --> 00:06:09,301
When I first met hef, he had
broken up with barbi benton,
91
00:06:11,505 --> 00:06:14,172
and I learned that through the
photographs in the hall, the
gallery,
92
00:06:15,743 --> 00:06:19,311
that their life looked
like magic. I mean,
93
00:06:19,413 --> 00:06:22,848
they have a picture in gatsby
dress with the backdrop of the
house, and it
94
00:06:22,950 --> 00:06:24,649
looked like, wow,
he really loved her.
95
00:06:27,921 --> 00:06:32,457
And I still didn't
understand really that
96
00:06:33,594 --> 00:06:34,593
he was a playboy.
97
00:06:40,267 --> 00:06:41,032
This is my best friend
from high school.
98
00:06:42,136 --> 00:06:44,102
And bernie was the prettiest
girl in high school.
99
00:06:45,739 --> 00:06:50,208
And I was this nerdy little girl
with my coronated skirt, my
vest,
100
00:06:50,310 --> 00:06:53,845
and even my daughter would say,
"mom, you were such a geek." you
know,
101
00:06:53,947 --> 00:06:55,080
she sees my pictures that I
was, I was such a geek.
102
00:06:55,649 --> 00:06:56,715
[laughs]
103
00:06:58,952 --> 00:07:01,052
I've never been to a
hollywood party at that point.
104
00:07:02,556 --> 00:07:04,790
It was a big, big deal.
105
00:07:05,759 --> 00:07:07,392
He really knew how
to work the charm.
106
00:07:09,496 --> 00:07:11,663
The seduction was fast, and he
just really reeled me in that
first night
107
00:07:13,400 --> 00:07:15,100
'cause he said, "I've looked
the whole party over,
108
00:07:18,405 --> 00:07:20,605
and you're the one I want to
spend the evening with. Will you
stay?"
109
00:07:23,644 --> 00:07:25,944
those words alone, "I looked the
whole party over, and I'm the
one."
110
00:07:26,346 --> 00:07:27,979
and
111
00:07:30,350 --> 00:07:33,452
I couldn't even speak, but I had
a smile on my face I guess
because he said,
112
00:07:33,554 --> 00:07:35,153
I'll take that smile as a yes.
113
00:07:38,292 --> 00:07:42,861
Just all of it just make me feel
special. I was 19, and he was
50,
114
00:07:46,166 --> 00:07:47,933
and I had not been
in bed with a man.
115
00:07:50,871 --> 00:07:54,573
His secretary was joni mattis.
She was a playmate at one point.
116
00:07:57,044 --> 00:08:00,312
He told joni to make sure I
stayed right there so he could
find me again.
117
00:08:00,414 --> 00:08:01,279
He had to go say
goodnight to his guests.
118
00:08:02,316 --> 00:08:05,484
And then he came back,
and he took me upstairs.
119
00:08:06,053 --> 00:08:11,756
[music]
120
00:08:11,859 --> 00:08:15,760
hef was my first real
relationship where
121
00:08:17,531 --> 00:08:20,699
it was a real, it was a love
affair, and he nurtured that.
122
00:08:23,203 --> 00:08:24,936
And he said to me, he said,
123
00:08:25,038 --> 00:08:28,173
you're the first girl I've liked
enough to consider having a baby
with.
124
00:08:28,976 --> 00:08:31,209
Reel her in. Oh really?
You know?
125
00:08:33,113 --> 00:08:35,146
You like me enough to - out of
all these beautiful girls, you
would pick me?
126
00:08:35,816 --> 00:08:36,448
He chose me?
127
00:08:38,952 --> 00:08:40,785
He would just take me up his
arms, and we'd dance around the
game room.
128
00:08:42,756 --> 00:08:46,057
That was his way of being
romantic with me. I wasn't wise
enough,
129
00:08:46,159 --> 00:08:49,127
I wasn't worldly enough,
and my god, he was 50.
130
00:08:49,229 --> 00:08:52,397
He had a wife and
children, and I didn't know
131
00:08:53,267 --> 00:08:55,700
about the multiple girlfriends.
132
00:08:57,304 --> 00:08:57,969
He has rules that you're not
supposed to be with other men.
133
00:08:58,071 --> 00:08:59,971
I don't agree with his rules.
134
00:09:02,342 --> 00:09:05,744
I feel that the woman has every
right to do everything that the
man has that
135
00:09:05,846 --> 00:09:06,278
same right to do.
136
00:09:08,248 --> 00:09:11,449
But hef was brought up in an era
where girls do not fool around,
guys do.
137
00:09:13,620 --> 00:09:16,855
And you know, I live by that.
You're a chauvinist pig, but I
love you.
138
00:09:21,395 --> 00:09:25,463
Right after barbi benton, he
said I want to have, you know,
139
00:09:25,566 --> 00:09:25,897
more than one girlfriend.
140
00:09:27,234 --> 00:09:31,136
He was not gonna have a
singular girlfriend anymore,
141
00:09:31,238 --> 00:09:33,238
that he was going to talk about
142
00:09:34,942 --> 00:09:36,074
it openly.
143
00:09:37,544 --> 00:09:40,278
He decided as he would say that
he would come out from behind
the desk and
144
00:09:41,281 --> 00:09:45,083
live the playboy life
that the magazine
145
00:09:46,620 --> 00:09:48,587
represented. And hef was the
playboy of the western world,
146
00:09:49,990 --> 00:09:50,889
why should he stop at
one when he could have
147
00:09:53,393 --> 00:09:53,825
as many as he did?
148
00:09:56,597 --> 00:09:58,830
But how could he make me accept
it, or how could he make me join
it?
149
00:10:00,701 --> 00:10:03,468
You see our traditional value
held that the devil was in the
flesh,
150
00:10:05,839 --> 00:10:09,040
that the spirit and mind were
pitted against things of the
flesh.
151
00:10:11,612 --> 00:10:12,877
We tried to say, this conflict
does in existence and shouldn't
exist.
152
00:10:14,915 --> 00:10:18,016
He would tell the public even
good girls enjoy sex, healthy
sex.
153
00:10:20,220 --> 00:10:22,387
And there was nothing healthy
about the sex with hefner
154
00:10:23,290 --> 00:10:24,956
because he took it too far.
155
00:10:31,398 --> 00:10:34,566
He was taking the girl next
door, and he was soiling her.
156
00:10:43,176 --> 00:10:46,845
I was living his life, and I
wasn't living mine. I wasn't
acting anymore.
157
00:10:48,515 --> 00:10:53,718
He stopped me from getting
jobs, and he just got worse and
158
00:10:53,820 --> 00:10:57,222
worse as far as the cheating
because he could. Not only was
he messing around,
159
00:10:58,692 --> 00:10:59,924
he was even controlling me
when I was out of his sight.
160
00:11:02,295 --> 00:11:05,730
He hired somebody to spy on me.
He hired a secretary my age.
161
00:11:07,734 --> 00:11:10,769
I was 19 when I first started
at the mansion. We were all 19.
162
00:11:12,606 --> 00:11:13,972
Sondra was his girlfriend when
I first started working there,
163
00:11:16,510 --> 00:11:18,476
but he did have another girl
that he kind of dated on
tuesdays and thursdays.
164
00:11:20,514 --> 00:11:22,113
So one was going out the back
gate, and one was coming out the
front gate.
165
00:11:23,750 --> 00:11:26,851
I think he was probably worried
about what sondra was going to
do on tuesdays
166
00:11:26,953 --> 00:11:29,988
and thursdays. What was good for
the goose was not good for the
gander.
167
00:11:31,491 --> 00:11:35,026
She was not allowed to then date
on tuesdays and thursdays or
have a
168
00:11:35,128 --> 00:11:37,362
relationship of
her own on any day. [laugh]
169
00:11:40,400 --> 00:11:42,067
the next day, he would say,
"what'd you guys do last night?"
170
00:11:44,037 --> 00:11:46,671
and innocently at that stage, I
would say, "oh, we had a ball.
It was great fun."
171
00:11:47,507 --> 00:11:51,609
but as time sort of went on,
172
00:11:51,712 --> 00:11:55,413
I grew to really love sondra.
I had become a friend now,
173
00:11:57,217 --> 00:11:59,851
so I was no longer comfortable
reporting back if you will.
174
00:12:02,823 --> 00:12:05,090
It backfired on me because
lisa and I were so close,
175
00:12:06,259 --> 00:12:06,858
she finally told me one
night, she goes,
176
00:12:08,862 --> 00:12:11,830
"I was hired to spy on you and
to report everything you did
when you were
177
00:12:12,399 --> 00:12:14,733
away from him."
178
00:12:14,835 --> 00:12:16,301
and then she ended up telling
him, I can't spy anymore, and
I'm not going to do it.
179
00:12:16,403 --> 00:12:17,402
And he kept her on, but
180
00:12:19,172 --> 00:12:20,905
it was pretty creepy.
181
00:12:23,744 --> 00:12:25,110
He just cut me off from the
world, really.
182
00:12:29,716 --> 00:12:34,452
And once you were there, it was
so big and sometimes so
wonderful,
183
00:12:34,554 --> 00:12:38,289
yet you were afraid at times,
you didn't want to tell your
parents.
184
00:12:38,391 --> 00:12:39,924
There wasn't anybody
else left out there that
185
00:12:40,026 --> 00:12:42,293
would understand what
you're talking about.
186
00:12:43,730 --> 00:12:45,730
Hef's creation of playboy
was more than just getting
187
00:12:45,832 --> 00:12:48,600
girls to take their
clothes off and post nude.
188
00:12:51,471 --> 00:12:54,139
He wanted to create a
lifestyle for himself that was
189
00:12:56,042 --> 00:12:59,310
accepted all over the world. I
mean, that's pretty glamorous
stuff right there.
190
00:13:02,349 --> 00:13:04,082
He would tell me things
like, "you're making history.
191
00:13:06,186 --> 00:13:08,386
You're going to be in the
history books." this is at the
aliens ball, I think.
192
00:13:08,789 --> 00:13:10,088
He knew what to say.
193
00:13:12,025 --> 00:13:14,826
He would tell you that our lives
are better than most people's
fantasies.
194
00:13:17,364 --> 00:13:18,897
Everybody loves each other.
We shouldn't be suppressed.
195
00:13:19,766 --> 00:13:21,399
Suppressed is the
big word with him.
196
00:13:23,036 --> 00:13:26,471
I was raised in a very typically
protestant puritan home with a
lot of
197
00:13:26,573 --> 00:13:28,573
repression.
198
00:13:28,675 --> 00:13:30,675
And I think that starting the
magazine and the content of the
magazine are a
199
00:13:30,777 --> 00:13:31,509
reflection to that.
200
00:13:32,712 --> 00:13:37,148
And I think that the changes
that we've played some part in,
201
00:13:37,250 --> 00:13:39,784
in the changing of society, they
have also taken place inside of
me.
202
00:13:43,290 --> 00:13:44,422
Whenever things would
get a little rocky,
203
00:13:45,492 --> 00:13:48,626
he had a way about him to
make you feel like you're
204
00:13:48,728 --> 00:13:50,261
the only one in the
world for him.
205
00:13:53,133 --> 00:13:55,967
I was his public girlfriend,
and the others were just
206
00:13:57,470 --> 00:14:00,438
play toys.
He had no real interest in them.
207
00:14:01,808 --> 00:14:04,142
Once that playtime was
over - it was addicting.
208
00:14:05,812 --> 00:14:06,911
You knew you were special
to be a lady at the mansion;
209
00:14:10,217 --> 00:14:14,519
that was his romantic way, but
really, he wasn't very romantic
at all.
210
00:14:17,991 --> 00:14:20,158
He just created this illusion
like smoke and mirrors.
211
00:14:22,362 --> 00:14:25,029
Month after month after month,
there was a new girl every month
that came in.
212
00:14:26,867 --> 00:14:28,700
So, I figured out, I might as
well be friends with them.
213
00:14:30,737 --> 00:14:33,071
He would say things ,when are
you going to party with us?
214
00:14:33,173 --> 00:14:35,206
And I say, "never. Forget it.
215
00:14:36,243 --> 00:14:37,308
It's not gonna happen.
It's not gonna happen."
216
00:14:40,780 --> 00:14:43,815
it was really awkward for me
because I wasn't a lesbian.
217
00:14:46,253 --> 00:14:50,722
Finally one day I just, oh
geez, okay. I'll try it once,
218
00:14:50,824 --> 00:14:53,925
and then if I don't like it,
never ask me again." but he had
it all arranged.
219
00:14:54,027 --> 00:14:56,594
He took me to the window,
opened the curtain.
220
00:14:59,099 --> 00:15:00,965
He says, you see that blonde out
there? Go talk to her,
221
00:15:02,269 --> 00:15:04,002
go talk to her, and see
if she wants to party.
222
00:15:08,108 --> 00:15:11,209
So I went down there and asked
if she was thrilled, thrilled to
be invited up.
223
00:15:12,612 --> 00:15:13,378
And that's how it started.
224
00:15:20,186 --> 00:15:21,386
Yeah. Yeah. One of the first.
225
00:15:25,225 --> 00:15:26,591
I'd never used that word
226
00:15:29,963 --> 00:15:34,899
because I would never do that.
That sounds naughty, that sounds
nasty.
227
00:15:36,736 --> 00:15:39,671
I was told it was a party.
It was
228
00:15:41,975 --> 00:15:43,241
getting together
to have some fun.
229
00:15:47,247 --> 00:15:49,547
That was why I became like, I
really wasn't doing it, maybe, I
don't...
230
00:15:51,518 --> 00:15:52,583
I don't know, but there's
certain words I can't say.
231
00:15:54,621 --> 00:15:57,522
Sondra had to recruit young,
232
00:15:59,125 --> 00:16:01,592
fresh meat for
orgies for hefner.
233
00:16:03,596 --> 00:16:06,030
And I was told about that from
another bunny that was there
that was asked to go
234
00:16:06,132 --> 00:16:08,866
up there, and she did.
235
00:16:08,969 --> 00:16:12,303
And she said, you cannot believe
what went on in that bedroom.
236
00:16:18,311 --> 00:16:22,280
I was looking through my
pictures and I was thinking, my
god,
237
00:16:22,382 --> 00:16:24,615
nobody's going to believe my
story. Look at me. I mean, I
look happy.
238
00:16:26,353 --> 00:16:27,118
I'm looking at him
with loving eyes.
239
00:16:29,022 --> 00:16:31,456
And until I got to the pictures
of us sitting at the monopoly
table,
240
00:16:33,793 --> 00:16:37,095
this picture,
I'm being silly, I'm happy.
241
00:16:39,165 --> 00:16:41,032
And then this picture, he's
whispering in my ear, isn't he?
242
00:16:43,937 --> 00:16:45,837
I wonder what he's saying. And
then look at my face in that
one.
243
00:16:48,041 --> 00:16:51,509
I've been told to go
orchestrate an evening, and...
244
00:16:55,115 --> 00:16:58,549
Can you see it? It was like with
the feeling I had every day,
245
00:17:00,086 --> 00:17:01,452
I could believe everything was
wonderful, and I was happy, I
was in love.
246
00:17:02,655 --> 00:17:03,087
This is new year's, and
247
00:17:05,725 --> 00:17:06,958
then as the evening approached
248
00:17:10,597 --> 00:17:12,830
there it was,
there was the whisper,
249
00:17:12,932 --> 00:17:15,500
there was his wishes
that needed to be met.
250
00:17:20,540 --> 00:17:23,107
But sex of course for me is,
is not a physical act, you know,
251
00:17:25,812 --> 00:17:26,344
it's romance.
252
00:17:28,548 --> 00:17:31,282
Hef wasn't a romantic;
he was a king, the emperor;
253
00:17:33,253 --> 00:17:36,020
you were in the magazine or the
bedroom, or you went home.
254
00:17:38,391 --> 00:17:41,159
I didn't want a girl in the bed.
No, I didn't want to be with a
girl,
255
00:17:42,095 --> 00:17:43,094
but it's something
that made him happy.
256
00:17:44,564 --> 00:17:48,633
I was told that we wouldn't
have to be apart anymore because
257
00:17:51,204 --> 00:17:53,171
he would have no reason
to be apart from me.
258
00:17:56,009 --> 00:17:56,674
He hadn't taken it too far yet.
259
00:17:58,344 --> 00:18:02,413
Sondra had no idea what she was
getting into. I think that she
was groomed.
260
00:18:03,616 --> 00:18:04,682
Once he decided to push the
boundaries even further,
261
00:18:06,052 --> 00:18:06,751
there was no stopping
him at that point.
262
00:18:10,423 --> 00:18:13,491
Hef used cocaine. He used more
than that. He had a drawer full
of drugs.
263
00:18:15,428 --> 00:18:16,694
I discovered it when he started
giving me the key to that
drawer.
264
00:18:18,364 --> 00:18:20,598
And johnny was on coke.
John dante was his best friend.
265
00:18:21,534 --> 00:18:23,067
He lived at the mansion.
266
00:18:24,337 --> 00:18:28,039
Hef had to have
somebody on call 24/7
267
00:18:29,576 --> 00:18:32,944
whenever he had the whim or the
need or the time that he wanted
to play a
268
00:18:33,046 --> 00:18:34,712
game because he
was big on games.
269
00:18:37,050 --> 00:18:39,150
John originated the orgy.
270
00:18:40,520 --> 00:18:42,320
John dante and hugh
hefner lived together in
271
00:18:42,422 --> 00:18:45,089
the playboy mansion
for more than 20 years.
272
00:18:46,259 --> 00:18:46,991
I got you, john.
273
00:18:48,394 --> 00:18:49,627
What do you got?
That'll be a hundred dollars.
274
00:18:49,729 --> 00:18:52,396
And hefner would say, come up to
my bedroom and watch a movie.
275
00:18:53,933 --> 00:18:55,099
And then you'd have two tv
screens filming the sex,
276
00:18:57,103 --> 00:19:00,171
where you could stop it and play
it back and see yourself in the
act and so forth.
277
00:19:01,674 --> 00:19:03,274
Partying would be going
upstairs with us to the master,
278
00:19:03,376 --> 00:19:05,510
and you were bound to have sex.
279
00:19:06,613 --> 00:19:09,347
It was fairly soon into it that
280
00:19:09,449 --> 00:19:11,415
all of a sudden we were doing
the drugs and partying.
281
00:19:12,619 --> 00:19:15,052
The drugs fueled how many people
you could get in your bed,
282
00:19:15,155 --> 00:19:17,722
and then all of a sudden,
there's three of us. And three
girls became five, and
283
00:19:19,859 --> 00:19:20,458
got ridiculous up there.
284
00:19:23,463 --> 00:19:26,297
He twisted my mind so
much that... I loved him,
285
00:19:28,334 --> 00:19:29,167
that proved how
much I loved him.
286
00:19:31,404 --> 00:19:33,004
And I didn't want to
be with those people.
287
00:19:36,743 --> 00:19:41,445
I was convincing them that this
was all just so wonderful and
288
00:19:41,548 --> 00:19:43,681
everybody loved each other and
you're so lucky to be here,
289
00:19:43,783 --> 00:19:44,348
I'm so glad you're here.
290
00:19:46,085 --> 00:19:49,187
I take them up, you know,
291
00:19:49,289 --> 00:19:51,389
get to know one another, the
champagne and then the drugs
will be brought out.
292
00:19:52,725 --> 00:19:55,860
And then he would stroll
in and see us having fun.
293
00:19:57,297 --> 00:20:00,831
And he would say, "well, welcome
to the family. Welcome to the
family."
294
00:20:03,836 --> 00:20:05,870
and that made them feel, "oh
good. I'm part of it. You know,
295
00:20:07,273 --> 00:20:08,306
I'm accepted." who doesn't
want to be accepted?
296
00:20:08,408 --> 00:20:10,741
Who doesn't want
people to like them?
297
00:20:12,078 --> 00:20:12,777
The women at the mansion,
298
00:20:14,380 --> 00:20:17,048
they lived an incredible
existence except for one thing,
299
00:20:18,451 --> 00:20:19,283
nighttime is showtime.
300
00:20:20,553 --> 00:20:22,186
I felt like I was a ringmaster.
301
00:20:23,256 --> 00:20:24,455
I felt like I had to put
the show on every night.
302
00:20:27,293 --> 00:20:31,229
The group sex, it was at least
five nights a week. They had a
protocol.
303
00:20:32,332 --> 00:20:35,900
He liked to direct,
and he didn't segue away from
304
00:20:36,002 --> 00:20:37,802
it because you could
tell that irritated him.
305
00:20:39,872 --> 00:20:42,740
He was a man of
incredible appetites,
306
00:20:42,842 --> 00:20:46,277
yet he wasn't always a
participant, you know.
307
00:20:47,814 --> 00:20:50,214
He was a voyeur.
He liked to watch.
308
00:20:51,851 --> 00:20:52,883
As his valet,
309
00:20:54,354 --> 00:20:58,389
I was required to go to mario
o'connor every day when I came
to work
310
00:21:00,593 --> 00:21:02,526
and get his schedule of
sexual events in his bedroom,
311
00:21:05,164 --> 00:21:09,166
what girl he would be having sex
with and what costume she would
be wearing.
312
00:21:13,873 --> 00:21:17,575
He sat in a special chair,
a very comfortable arm chair.
313
00:21:19,045 --> 00:21:22,913
He would hire porn stars
to come to the mansion,
314
00:21:25,184 --> 00:21:28,552
to the bedroom and have sex with
these girls while he would
watch.
315
00:21:31,958 --> 00:21:36,227
Mr. Hefner kept all his sex
apparatus in the headboard
behind
316
00:21:36,329 --> 00:21:39,063
the bed, the different
dildos, ben wa balls,
317
00:21:40,199 --> 00:21:42,199
nipple clips, whips, straps.
318
00:21:45,038 --> 00:21:48,572
And one of my jobs was after
the sexual events were over,
319
00:21:50,777 --> 00:21:54,078
I had to put on rubber gloves
and pick up the dilos from the
floor
320
00:21:55,515 --> 00:21:58,049
and put them in a special
bucket. The maids would take
them downstairs,
321
00:22:00,253 --> 00:22:03,387
spray them with a steam cleaner
to sterilize them and then put
them in plastic
322
00:22:05,391 --> 00:22:07,725
bags. I would carry them back
upstairs and put them back in
the headboard.
323
00:22:10,229 --> 00:22:15,166
Many of the girls after one
experience of having sex with
324
00:22:15,268 --> 00:22:19,036
hefner or with the porn stars
that he brought up there, they
went home.
325
00:22:19,605 --> 00:22:21,005
Once was enough.
326
00:22:25,311 --> 00:22:26,844
For a little while,
he was doing his crazy stuff,
327
00:22:26,946 --> 00:22:29,647
I was just looking the other
way. Like on pig night,
328
00:22:32,318 --> 00:22:35,986
I remember finding out what was
going on, because he said,
329
00:22:37,156 --> 00:22:38,389
I'm going to be busy in the
early part of the evening,
330
00:22:39,792 --> 00:22:43,894
some people are coming over. And
then somebody told me what it
was.
331
00:22:43,996 --> 00:22:45,996
A butler there, he said it's pig
night. And I said, what? What?
332
00:22:49,335 --> 00:22:52,136
Every Thursday night,
hefner had two pimps
333
00:22:54,107 --> 00:22:56,741
bring up five or six
girls each and their cars.
334
00:22:59,479 --> 00:23:02,446
It was girls that they would
pick up on sunset strip. At that
time,
335
00:23:03,616 --> 00:23:07,618
sunset boulevard was a very
big prostitution place.
336
00:23:07,720 --> 00:23:08,886
That's where you went
to pick up somebody.
337
00:23:10,523 --> 00:23:13,858
It was called pig night, but we,
as butlers, were always told,
338
00:23:15,728 --> 00:23:19,130
do not call them pigs.
This was hefner's term for them.
339
00:23:21,100 --> 00:23:22,800
I don't know why he
called them pigs.
340
00:23:24,971 --> 00:23:25,703
Thursday night was pig night.
341
00:23:27,106 --> 00:23:29,206
When the guys on the mansion
list were expected to bring
women.
342
00:23:31,644 --> 00:23:33,978
They were ranked. There was a
hierarchy of whether you were a
ten or an eight
343
00:23:34,080 --> 00:23:35,513
or a six.
344
00:23:37,750 --> 00:23:41,118
They would come up and go
into the big dining room.
345
00:23:42,321 --> 00:23:45,890
And hefner's friends and
comrades and different stars,
346
00:23:45,992 --> 00:23:46,724
movie stars,
347
00:23:48,294 --> 00:23:51,896
television stars would sit
around the table with them.
348
00:23:53,299 --> 00:23:55,499
And as the butlers,
we would serve them dinner.
349
00:23:57,470 --> 00:23:59,136
They were told order
anything you want.
350
00:24:01,374 --> 00:24:04,308
Hefner would sit at the head of
the table. He would never eat
dinner with them.
351
00:24:05,344 --> 00:24:07,111
He would smoke a pipe
and observe the girls.
352
00:24:08,281 --> 00:24:11,315
When I found out about it,
353
00:24:11,417 --> 00:24:14,351
I went down to bedroom four
where I could look out where
they were all
354
00:24:15,822 --> 00:24:17,855
laughing and getting drinks and
making these girls feel special.
355
00:24:18,691 --> 00:24:20,191
One at a time,
356
00:24:21,727 --> 00:24:25,162
the girls were escorted into
the front bathroom where the
357
00:24:25,264 --> 00:24:29,099
doctor would inspect them
for anything that would
358
00:24:31,237 --> 00:24:32,937
be detrimental to
any of his friends.
359
00:24:33,973 --> 00:24:37,408
The girls that passed
mustard would have sex
360
00:24:39,779 --> 00:24:42,513
with the different friends of
hefner. Sometimes on pig night,
361
00:24:44,550 --> 00:24:45,449
he had a special
woman that came up.
362
00:24:47,220 --> 00:24:51,055
She was called the bleeder, and
she would use a very large
syringe
363
00:24:53,359 --> 00:24:55,626
and draw blood from
his different friends.
364
00:24:58,564 --> 00:25:01,899
And then a girl would
come and perform fellatio
365
00:25:02,401 --> 00:25:04,335
or give him a hand job.
366
00:25:06,506 --> 00:25:08,172
And that was a really big
thrill for a lot of people.
367
00:25:09,742 --> 00:25:12,676
And especially john belushi, for
some reason, that really turned
him on.
368
00:25:14,380 --> 00:25:15,446
I noticed that over time,
369
00:25:17,149 --> 00:25:21,252
these men sort of needed more
for that sexual like
stimulation.
370
00:25:23,256 --> 00:25:26,657
They needed to try things that
were more transgressive because
when you can have
371
00:25:26,759 --> 00:25:29,226
anyone you want and do anything,
then it becomes boring.
372
00:25:31,330 --> 00:25:33,097
This is the roller skating
party, when roller skating was
really big.
373
00:25:35,134 --> 00:25:37,635
Nothing was going to ever be
enough for him, and I realized
that.
374
00:25:37,737 --> 00:25:39,970
It didn't matter how many people
you brought in, how many
beautiful girls,
375
00:25:40,072 --> 00:25:41,906
whatever it was,
376
00:25:44,610 --> 00:25:47,344
it would only satisfy him for
the moment, and it would soon be
over,
377
00:25:47,446 --> 00:25:49,547
and then he'd have to find
something bigger, better
naughtier.
378
00:25:51,584 --> 00:25:53,551
He had too much.
He had too much.
379
00:25:57,089 --> 00:26:00,190
It dissolved into this madness.
380
00:26:03,563 --> 00:26:06,997
And I think the madness came
from our relationship that he
had created where for
381
00:26:07,099 --> 00:26:10,200
the first time, he could
openly do these things.
382
00:26:11,637 --> 00:26:15,906
And he found somebody that
loved him so much or was so easy
383
00:26:16,008 --> 00:26:17,875
to manipulate that it
worked, but
384
00:26:19,812 --> 00:26:20,311
it wasn't enough.
385
00:26:22,848 --> 00:26:27,051
Cocaine became for me my
way of blocking it all out.
386
00:26:28,721 --> 00:26:31,055
I could pretend I was somewhere
else or I was somebody else.
387
00:26:32,525 --> 00:26:35,025
It didn't hurt me as much.
It didn't hurt
388
00:26:36,829 --> 00:26:37,828
while I was doing
that, it didn't hurt.
389
00:26:45,237 --> 00:26:46,737
And then I walked
in once, and he was
390
00:26:49,108 --> 00:26:51,442
to with our dog. And I said,
"what are you doing?" he says,
"well,
391
00:26:51,544 --> 00:26:53,711
dogs have needs." and I
went, "stop that,
392
00:26:55,581 --> 00:26:57,114
just stop that." and I never
left them alone with the dog
again.
393
00:26:59,151 --> 00:27:01,151
I couldn't believe what I was
seeing. I could not believe what
I was seeing.
394
00:27:02,822 --> 00:27:06,023
Well, there are some things that
will not appear yet in playboy,
hmm,
395
00:27:07,927 --> 00:27:09,727
give an example, beastiality,
it's a sexual practice.
396
00:27:12,365 --> 00:27:15,099
Is that a hangup that you
won't publish beastiality?
397
00:27:18,571 --> 00:27:20,070
No, I don't think that's a
hangup. I think you have to
separate
398
00:27:21,307 --> 00:27:25,242
the kinds of sexual activity
that really are degrading.
399
00:27:28,714 --> 00:27:31,315
Joe piasho, the head of
security, was my boyfriend at
the time,
400
00:27:33,119 --> 00:27:34,818
he told me a story about linda
lovelace being brought up there.
401
00:27:37,423 --> 00:27:39,990
Linda lovelace,
she was the star of deep throat.
402
00:27:42,161 --> 00:27:44,094
This was probably the biggest
pornographic film ever, at least
at that point.
403
00:27:46,666 --> 00:27:48,365
Linda lovelace, she got hooked
up with this gassy individual,
chuck traynor.
404
00:27:50,336 --> 00:27:54,371
Linda was married to chuck
traynor who pimped her,
405
00:27:54,473 --> 00:27:56,807
who beat her up on a regular
basis, threatened to kill her
frequently.
406
00:27:58,277 --> 00:27:59,810
And when they arrived
at the playboy mansion,
407
00:28:00,680 --> 00:28:03,213
she was treated like
a piece of meat.
408
00:28:06,819 --> 00:28:10,988
Linda was obliged to take part
in an orgy with hefner's
cronies.
409
00:28:12,158 --> 00:28:14,024
When I saw linda lovelace,
410
00:28:15,594 --> 00:28:17,761
I definitely did not feel
that she was there willingly.
411
00:28:20,800 --> 00:28:23,067
All the guys were laughing when
linda lovelace got out of the
limousine, and she
412
00:28:23,169 --> 00:28:25,903
was drunk and drugged.
413
00:28:28,374 --> 00:28:30,040
And all of a sudden out of
nowhere, a german shepherd shows
up.
414
00:28:33,446 --> 00:28:36,246
They got her so messed up that
they made her give the german
shepherd oral sex.
415
00:28:38,451 --> 00:28:42,319
You want to talk about
depravity? This is despicable.
416
00:28:46,625 --> 00:28:50,027
When hef told me what that
night had been, he said, yeah,
417
00:28:50,129 --> 00:28:51,962
so we invited her up,
and we all watched.
418
00:28:57,837 --> 00:29:00,971
Who does that? Who does that?
Who'd want to see that?
419
00:29:02,908 --> 00:29:06,944
The linda lovelace episode
exemplifies the attitude of
playboy and
420
00:29:07,646 --> 00:29:08,779
hefner to women by and large.
421
00:29:10,683 --> 00:29:13,050
This is the dark
underbelly of playboy.
422
00:29:16,055 --> 00:29:19,957
It's all very well espousing
liberal causes and talking about
the joys of
423
00:29:20,059 --> 00:29:22,359
life,
freedom and sexual liberation,
424
00:29:25,064 --> 00:29:27,097
except it boils down to watch
425
00:29:29,468 --> 00:29:30,100
a girl have sex with an animal.
426
00:29:33,506 --> 00:29:34,171
Just gastly.
427
00:29:36,509 --> 00:29:40,778
I can't believe that I am that
girl that accepted that world.
428
00:29:44,650 --> 00:29:49,419
He just took my world, and he
just turned the knobs slowly so
that
429
00:29:49,522 --> 00:29:53,423
everything came out of focus and
the only thing I could see was
what he told me.
430
00:29:58,464 --> 00:30:00,931
He had to get more and more.
I've never known anybody had to
have that much sex,
431
00:30:03,035 --> 00:30:05,035
but then when it got uglier
and uglier with, you know,
432
00:30:05,137 --> 00:30:07,538
bringing men into the
bedroom, and I couldn't.
433
00:30:10,109 --> 00:30:12,309
No drug could have made
me escape far enough,
434
00:30:12,411 --> 00:30:14,111
and I didn't want
to be with another
435
00:30:14,213 --> 00:30:16,280
man. I certainly did not
want to be with another man.
436
00:30:18,551 --> 00:30:22,286
Hef became that obsessed
with it. I mean, yeah,
437
00:30:23,756 --> 00:30:27,024
you could see it in this face.
It didn't matter how it made me
feel.
438
00:30:29,295 --> 00:30:29,760
It didn't matter.
439
00:30:31,931 --> 00:30:36,366
And sometimes it was painful.
Men that
440
00:30:38,871 --> 00:30:41,538
forced themselves on you,
it doesn't feel good. It hurts.
441
00:30:43,275 --> 00:30:45,709
And I would tell him that,
please, don't, please.
442
00:30:47,513 --> 00:30:50,214
I would use those words.
He hurts me. It didn't matter.
443
00:30:56,522 --> 00:31:01,391
I felt so violated having a man
that I did not want to be with
forced upon me.
444
00:31:03,295 --> 00:31:05,495
And the feeling that made me
feel inside was just sick,
445
00:31:06,999 --> 00:31:08,732
the fact that my boyfriend
was okay with that.
446
00:31:12,171 --> 00:31:16,106
There were guys up there that
ended up in situations that they
didn't want to be in.
447
00:31:17,309 --> 00:31:21,778
It became apparent that they
have had more interest than
448
00:31:21,881 --> 00:31:24,381
I thought in john dante.
He wanted to sleep with him.
449
00:31:26,051 --> 00:31:29,486
When hef would make advances on
dante, I could
450
00:31:29,588 --> 00:31:32,256
just see dante's face just fall.
And the dread,
451
00:31:33,492 --> 00:31:36,627
the dread like I would feel.
And he knew he couldn't stop it.
452
00:31:41,100 --> 00:31:45,702
There were certain girls that I
was very close to that I would
call crying,
453
00:31:45,804 --> 00:31:48,005
and I would say, please come up,
please come up so I don't have
to do this.
454
00:31:49,408 --> 00:31:52,776
And they would, they would
come up for me. And I felt,
455
00:31:52,878 --> 00:31:55,879
at least I was with a friend,
and I was asking a lot of them,
456
00:31:58,918 --> 00:32:00,884
but they would come up, and
that helped me get through it.
457
00:32:02,221 --> 00:32:04,421
I found solace in them,
the women, they were gentle.
458
00:32:06,358 --> 00:32:07,491
I needed gentleness.
I needed love.
459
00:32:09,895 --> 00:32:14,331
At least I had the beauty and
the tenderness with a girl that
I couldn't
460
00:32:14,433 --> 00:32:17,801
get from him. I remember being
in the office, talking to mary,
461
00:32:17,903 --> 00:32:20,070
crying to mary saying, "I'm
so tired. I'm so tired.
462
00:32:22,174 --> 00:32:23,540
Why can't he just make a couple
nights normal?" and again,
463
00:32:27,313 --> 00:32:28,345
well, if you're not going to do
it, somebody else will.
464
00:32:30,482 --> 00:32:33,383
No, I could not, not feel well.
I had to be there. I had to feel
good.
465
00:32:34,286 --> 00:32:36,620
I had to be ready for anything.
466
00:32:41,093 --> 00:32:43,994
On the first day of
my job as a valet,
467
00:32:45,597 --> 00:32:50,300
I went upstairs to the bedroom.
I heard a lot of crying and
moaning.
468
00:32:51,570 --> 00:32:55,672
So I went into the
bathroom, and sondra was on
469
00:32:55,774 --> 00:32:58,108
the floor, crying, and there
was a lot of blood everywhere.
470
00:33:00,446 --> 00:33:02,346
I'd gone to the gynecologist,
and I didn't want to be on the
pill.
471
00:33:04,817 --> 00:33:08,085
And so my doctor said, "well, we
can put an iud in." what's an
iud?
472
00:33:09,955 --> 00:33:12,823
"well, you know, it's up there,
and it does the work, and it's
done.
473
00:33:12,925 --> 00:33:13,590
You don't have to think about
it." I think, well, that's
perfect.
474
00:33:13,692 --> 00:33:15,258
So he put it in me.
475
00:33:17,429 --> 00:33:18,161
She had bled all over the bed,
476
00:33:20,899 --> 00:33:21,965
and then she came into the
bathroom, and mr. Hefner,
477
00:33:23,535 --> 00:33:24,801
he got angry with her for
not taking care of herself.
478
00:33:27,139 --> 00:33:28,705
And he goes, why would you do
such a stupid thing? See, I
wasn't being fun now.
479
00:33:30,676 --> 00:33:32,743
She was bleeding, and she was
crying. And mr. Hefner said,
480
00:33:34,413 --> 00:33:35,645
I don't really want to
know your medical problems.
481
00:33:37,483 --> 00:33:40,817
I was just dying. It was hurting
so bad I could barely take it,
and
482
00:33:42,488 --> 00:33:45,422
I guess I passed out.
One other time,
483
00:33:47,359 --> 00:33:50,127
four years into the
relationship, I suddenly got
really, really sick.
484
00:33:51,497 --> 00:33:54,398
The pain was so severe I could
hardly walk, and it was my
kidneys.
485
00:33:55,734 --> 00:33:58,235
And it was just excruciating.
486
00:34:00,572 --> 00:34:03,073
I remember when sondra was
sick with a kidney infection.
487
00:34:04,476 --> 00:34:08,045
I do think that her illness was
in direct relationship to
partying
488
00:34:09,348 --> 00:34:10,647
and also sheer exhaustion.
489
00:34:12,251 --> 00:34:14,418
I should have been in the
hospital, but if he had sent me
to the hospital,
490
00:34:16,922 --> 00:34:18,221
then there might have been
questions why I was so sick.
491
00:34:19,691 --> 00:34:20,090
He didn't want any
of that leaked.
492
00:34:24,563 --> 00:34:27,831
I was tired, and it
was not just a body,
493
00:34:29,068 --> 00:34:31,301
it was a mind too. I felt that
it was both being stripped,
494
00:34:33,739 --> 00:34:37,207
used and swallowed up. It was
just, he was eating me inside
out.
495
00:34:38,444 --> 00:34:40,210
A kid who has a sweet tooth,
who is thrust into a candy store
496
00:34:44,283 --> 00:34:46,583
and discovers that he is going
to live in that candy store for
the rest of his life,
497
00:34:49,254 --> 00:34:52,022
starts after a little while
thinking about other things
besides candy.
498
00:34:55,160 --> 00:34:55,926
When you're dealing
with someone who's so
499
00:34:59,231 --> 00:35:02,999
self-centered and
so manipulative,
500
00:35:03,902 --> 00:35:05,669
and she was so young
and he was so not,
501
00:35:08,307 --> 00:35:09,039
he couldn't have had these
relationships with a grown ass
woman.
502
00:35:09,141 --> 00:35:11,975
Let's be very honest here.
503
00:35:12,077 --> 00:35:13,276
He could not have had these kind
of relationships with an adult.
504
00:35:14,947 --> 00:35:19,216
And that's why they had to keep
being young for him to be their
first.
505
00:35:23,188 --> 00:35:26,656
He asked me, he said, "do you
like snuff films?" I said,
506
00:35:26,758 --> 00:35:29,392
"what's a snuff film?" and he
said, "well, it's a porn where
507
00:35:31,763 --> 00:35:33,897
in the end, they kill the girl,
508
00:35:33,999 --> 00:35:37,667
and that's the big orgasm."
like, who would watch that?
509
00:35:41,373 --> 00:35:45,609
And my reaction told him very
clearly that he was not going
down that highway with me.
510
00:35:46,311 --> 00:35:48,512
I thought, who-
511
00:35:50,182 --> 00:35:51,982
how could he like this?
And how could I care for him?
512
00:35:54,219 --> 00:35:54,885
What kind of mind
513
00:35:57,923 --> 00:36:01,992
is so far gone that it takes
killing somebody to get them
514
00:36:02,094 --> 00:36:03,627
excited for that big release?
515
00:36:05,697 --> 00:36:09,466
He was opening my eyes to this
monster. I mean, really, he was
a monster.
516
00:36:24,183 --> 00:36:27,951
To me, that last year I was
turning 25, and my fears had
517
00:36:31,089 --> 00:36:35,091
started to affect me. I'd
actually shake sometimes. I
dreaded it every night.
518
00:36:35,194 --> 00:36:36,960
I knew that something was
going to be expected of me,
519
00:36:38,363 --> 00:36:39,663
but the person that
had run from the room,
520
00:36:40,632 --> 00:36:43,533
I think there were about
12 people up there,
521
00:36:46,171 --> 00:36:48,438
12 people. And that's when I
look, I couldn't find myself,
522
00:36:50,342 --> 00:36:51,007
who am I?
523
00:36:53,712 --> 00:36:56,913
With all these limbs
and arms and legs,
524
00:36:57,015 --> 00:36:59,349
and I'm thinking
this is so awful.
525
00:37:00,519 --> 00:37:02,152
And so, I walked out
526
00:37:05,290 --> 00:37:06,489
and went to the one place I knew
that people didn't know about,
527
00:37:10,062 --> 00:37:13,196
the grassy knoll on top of the
jacuzzi where you could lay up
there privately.
528
00:37:13,298 --> 00:37:13,897
And I just laid there
under the stars.
529
00:37:18,370 --> 00:37:20,470
You're thinking that he
couldn't find me up there.
530
00:37:25,177 --> 00:37:28,979
My life is him, and being there
with him, I was turning 25.
531
00:37:30,549 --> 00:37:32,882
I remember looking in the
mirror, looking in my eyes,
thinking, where are you?
532
00:37:33,986 --> 00:37:36,319
Where are you? I wasn't there.
533
00:37:39,157 --> 00:37:41,658
I really changed a
lot from 19 to 21.
534
00:37:42,561 --> 00:37:44,027
Everything changed about me.
535
00:37:44,796 --> 00:37:47,731
I go from being so
fresh and young,
536
00:37:48,867 --> 00:37:50,166
and then that emaciated,
537
00:37:52,070 --> 00:37:56,172
terrorized girl that I might
as well have been a vibrator.
538
00:37:56,275 --> 00:37:57,340
I might as well have been a sex
toy because that's what I was.
539
00:38:02,748 --> 00:38:04,547
And nobody knew
the hell I was in.
540
00:38:07,119 --> 00:38:08,485
And finally, I got the courage
541
00:38:11,323 --> 00:38:12,188
to leave.
542
00:38:14,259 --> 00:38:18,328
I had such great life when I
entered those gates. I was so
full of hope.
543
00:38:19,898 --> 00:38:20,864
I was riding a star.
And when I left,
544
00:38:22,000 --> 00:38:24,534
I was on a burning meteorite
to earth.
545
00:38:25,704 --> 00:38:26,269
I was hitting the ground hard.
546
00:38:27,806 --> 00:38:33,243
I wanted to be able to go and
leave that all behind and find
some
547
00:38:33,345 --> 00:38:37,847
normalness. I tried really hard
to make it normal. It was all
okay.
548
00:38:37,949 --> 00:38:39,449
I'm out of there. I survived it.
I'm married, I've got children,
549
00:38:40,085 --> 00:38:41,751
my life is good,
550
00:38:44,289 --> 00:38:48,091
but it was affecting me, and
it affected my marriage.
551
00:38:48,193 --> 00:38:50,460
It affected me every day.
I don't know what normal is.
552
00:38:53,332 --> 00:38:56,766
You know, I lived a luxury life,
yeah, but I paid dearly for it.
553
00:38:58,203 --> 00:39:03,006
I had so much damage done to me
that I will never know how to be
a
554
00:39:03,108 --> 00:39:05,909
normal person and to accept
love as a normal person.
555
00:39:07,979 --> 00:39:09,913
I will never believe that a man
would love me now because I'm
old,
556
00:39:11,583 --> 00:39:15,385
I'm older, and that's just,
nothing can convince me.
557
00:39:15,487 --> 00:39:18,855
Nothing can convince me that
I'm a desirable to anybody now.
558
00:39:20,792 --> 00:39:23,326
I'd like to think that one
day I'll meet my soulmate.
559
00:39:25,831 --> 00:39:28,298
I can't let go of that need, a
need to just be loved just for
yourself.
560
00:39:29,901 --> 00:39:32,969
You know, not for what you're
going to do for somebody. I may
never know that,
561
00:39:33,071 --> 00:39:34,604
but maybe in the next
life, I don't know.
562
00:39:37,209 --> 00:39:40,510
They zapped this young girl -
where am I? They zapped this
girl,
563
00:39:44,182 --> 00:39:47,550
away, she was gone. And all he
did was take and take and take
that.
564
00:39:49,287 --> 00:39:52,222
He zapped it right out me.
And how dare did he do that?
565
00:39:53,358 --> 00:39:55,492
I was the best thing
that ever walked into his life.
566
00:39:58,497 --> 00:40:03,566
But anyway, I'm so sorry I fell
apart, so sorry.
567
00:40:08,073 --> 00:40:10,140
So it wasn't all glam and pokes.
It wasn't all fun and games.
568
00:40:14,146 --> 00:40:15,278
I knew I wasn't.
569
00:40:18,984 --> 00:40:20,650
Drop back any point in time,
take anybody from any point in
time,
570
00:40:22,154 --> 00:40:25,855
you have one dinner. I wouldn't
be at a dinner, but I mean,
571
00:40:25,957 --> 00:40:28,625
there's certainly people that
you'd like to talk to one-on-one
and such and find
572
00:40:28,727 --> 00:40:31,027
out what it was all about. I'd
certainly like to talk to
christ,
573
00:40:31,129 --> 00:40:32,962
find out what that was all
about. - Would he like your act?
574
00:40:34,566 --> 00:40:37,467
Probably. Probably be a little
confusing to him, but I would
imagine so. Yeah.
575
00:40:37,569 --> 00:40:39,936
D you think he'd be confusing
to you? No, I don't think so,
576
00:40:40,038 --> 00:40:42,539
our values are probably
very similar. Yeah.
577
00:40:42,641 --> 00:40:44,207
He forgave the whores.
578
00:41:19,478 --> 00:41:21,411
This is the time for women to
be able to express themselves.
579
00:41:23,315 --> 00:41:26,249
I believed in the pitch because
I had not seen the future.
580
00:41:27,319 --> 00:41:28,785
I had dreams of going
up the corporate ladder.
581
00:41:30,388 --> 00:41:33,223
They pushed that ceiling
right back into my face.
582
00:41:33,325 --> 00:41:34,591
You're never going to believe
what I found in the garage.
583
00:41:36,495 --> 00:41:41,564
All of the complaints and the
sexual assaults, every [beep]
thing is on there.
584
00:41:42,667 --> 00:41:46,436
It was rampant with the
sexual abuse of women.
585
00:41:46,538 --> 00:41:47,637
Playboy was a business,
and I was part of it.
586
00:41:49,941 --> 00:41:52,375
I began hating myself.
54067
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